Key points
To protect yourself from a destructive person, you must train yourself to adopt key mindsets and strategies.
In a relationship with a disordered individual, focusing on the positive can put you at risk.
If someone has hurt you once, expect them to do it again.
Over a decade ago, I wrote a post called “Don’t Try to Reason with Unreasonable People.” It’s the most popular piece I’ve ever written. A year prior, I’d escaped a destructive relationship with the help of an expert who helps women recover from relationships with personality-disordered partners. In that post, I shared the most powerful tactics I’d learned, strategies that continue to be invaluable.

Unfortunately, as I learned in that process, I fit a personality and profile that makes me vulnerable to this type of individual. I wasn’t going to fall into the same traps and poor judgments again, but these people come cloaked in a variety of styles of “sheep’s clothing.”

As a result, I’ve gained more unwelcome experiences through close encounters of this kind. I’m circling back to share fresh, hard-won insights and strategies that I hope will help you.

Focus on the bad, not the good
Those who get enmeshed with people with destructive personalities tend to be optimistic, long-suffering, and loyal. Our brains struggle to process the fact that someone who is otherwise so nice and well-liked by others, could have said or done that.

Surely that was just anomalous behavior? They were probably tired, or unusually stressed. They apologized, so they must be truly sorry. And won’t do it again.

We experience cognitive dissonance when the same person is alternately wonderful and awful. We try to resolve that dissonance by focusing on the positive. The kind things they’ve done, their loving words. Surely that must be the real person.

Nope, it’s the opposite. Anyone can be nice or do good, especially if they wish to present a façade of “goodness” to the world. Well-intentioned, safe people don’t make cruel comments, boldly lie, scream at you, control your choices, or give you the silent treatment at the smallest perceived slight.

Ignore the bad at your peril. If you witness even one significantly problematic behavior, such as a scary temper, run for the hills.

Don’t be surprised
I’ve observed in myself and others a predictable product of dissonance-driven denial: repeated shock and surprise.

Let’s say you’re on an outing with this person, an activity you’d both looked forward to. You were having a great time until you commented on something seemingly random. Suddenly, you’re on the receiving end of a tirade. It’s the first time this has happened.

The night is ruined. You still don’t see what you did wrong, but you did your best to explain, apologize, and make things right. They apologized, too.

You feel relief, and now you’re both joking about the “misunderstanding.” That was a rough patch, but hopefully, all is well now, no?

It probably will be, for a little while, perhaps even months. And then, the monster rears its head again, catching us off guard. We reel in shock. Our peace, well-being, and yet another occasion are ruined. Again.

“You won’t believe what they did this time,” we might exclaim, outraged, to sympathetic ears.

If this is a romantic relationship, hopefully, you’ll start to see a clear pattern and get out (easier said than done). But if this is a familial or work relationship you can’t avoid, you must be prepared for recurrence.

Recognition and anticipation of the inevitable give you back your power. It steals their ability to throw you off kilter for hours or days with the next tantrum or barb.

When the bad behavior recurs, stay calm and logical, like a dispassionate observer, to minimize emotional and physiological harm to yourself in the moment. If things have gotten to the point where you need to set some serious boundaries (including no contact), do that. Otherwise, let it go.

If they’ve acted out before, this time can’t be seen as a surprise. It’s not news. Don’t waste hours of your life and energy revisiting it in your mind, and telling everyone who’ll listen about what happened this time.

Keep them out of your head
On two recent occasions, I spent time with a friend who has to deal periodically with a disordered individual. This person has inflicted so many unwelcome surprises that my friend now invents scenarios of danger and disaster, weeks before the next encounter.

Her tormentor hijacks her brain, without having to actually do anything. My friend shifts into fight-or-flight and panic, just imagining what might happen next.

Both times, I pointed out that her brain was borrowing trouble from the future. That her (understandably) anxious amygdala was trying to get ahead of the predator, by putting her on full alert. Even though she wouldn’t see this person for weeks!

She couldn’t let him steal her peace like this, not on my watch.

In both instances, she calmed down and committed to redirecting her thoughts whenever her mind slipped into catastrophizing. In both situations, her eventual interactions with her crazy-maker turned out to be uneventful.

We may not always be able to keep them out of our lives, but we must keep them out of our heads.

If others don’t believe you, don’t try to convince them
The dark personality is a master of disguise. A pillar of the community. Just the best.

I’ve had experiences where I’ve shared a shocking and verifiable story, or stories, with people who asked to hear my side of things. Next to the harmful experience itself, there are few things worse than trying and failing to convince someone who isn’t motivated to see the truth.

Alternatively, they may believe you but would prefer that you just “forgive and forget,” because that would be easiest for everyone.

The truth is inconvenient. It’s far easier to maintain pre-existing perceptions, preserve the status quo, and hope that everyone will make nice so that nothing has to change.

Don’t pressure yourself to make people understand. Find the ones who do. They are the ones who will get you through and support you in making the choices that are best for you.

© Copyright 2024 Dr. Susan Biali Haas, M.D.

I get it. The boss is human and likely far from perfect. I complain about my husband, and I love him, so it is natural to complain about someone we work with, often spend a lot of time with, and sometimes don’t have much in common. It’s tempting to vent; it feels good, and everyone else does it.

I’ve done it, and I’ve lived to regret it. In hindsight, I was bonding with the rest of the team, almost playing the unwritten game of who has it the worst. We complained, we laughed, and we had fun doing it. Unfortunately, the negative impact of complaining about your boss or manager is far more significant than the fun you have at the moment.

And, unfortunately, the impact reflects on you far more than it does on the boss.

Your Professional Integrity is at Risk

To begin with, your professional integrity is at risk, which may cause others to question your ethics. As administrative professionals, we are often privy to very sensitive information. We must have a high level of confidentiality. Complaining about your boss, even in casual settings, can easily breach that trust and reflect poorly on your ability to manage sensitive matters. Maintaining professional integrity is paramount—your discretion builds your reputation. What you think about someone is sensitive. If you complain about the boss, will you share other things that shouldn’t be shared?

Consider a situation where you’re privy to confidential discussions about upcoming layoffs. You overhear your manager mentioning potential downsizing and they mention that the don’t care about the human impact because the bottom line and shareholders are more important. In a moment of frustration, you complain to a colleague about the heartless person you support. Your moment of frustration and annoyance would compromise your reputation. You may not have meant to share layoffs were coming but while you were complaining, that’s exactly what you did. Your reputation will be damaged.

Trust: The Cornerstone of Professional Relationships

More importantly, it damages trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, especially between an administrative professional and their manager. Complaining can erode that trust, both from your manager’s perspective and from the perspective of your peers. If your boss finds out you’ve been complaining, it can strain your working relationship and potentially hurt your career aspirations. If others know you complain about your manager, they may assume you complain about them, too. And if you complain about your boss, clearly you’ll complain about anyone.

Let’s reverse the situation. I have heard executives complaining about their administrative professional, and it mortifies me!

Imagine hearing, “Well, contact my assistant Rhonda. Hopefully, she is in a good mood and polite to you today. Some days, she is a little cranky, and you have a hard time getting what you need from her on those days.”

I’d be very upset if I heard that about me, and I’d be very upset to listen to any manager talk about their assistant that way. When I hear them complain about their administrative professional, I instantly lose respect for them. I think they have no idea how hard it is to be an assistant, how much we have to do, and how little appreciation we get.

If I worked with an executive who complained about their admin, I wouldn’t trust them not to complain about me either. I’d see them in a very negative and unprofessional light that would affect my respect for them. Wouldn’t you? So then, why do we think it is acceptable for us to do the same?

Gossip Can Backfire

Let’s be honest, people talk too. If you are complaining about your boss, what will stop anyone from sharing what you’ve shared (even if you told them it was in confidence)? Even when venting to colleagues, there’s always the risk that your words will find their way back to your boss. People share juicy info, and office gossip can travel fast. It’s important to remember that trust, once broken, is very difficult to repair.

For example, an administrative assistant named Sarah once shared her frustrations with a coworker over her boss’s poor communication. Weeks later, her boss approached her, disappointed that he had heard the exact words she had vented in what she thought was a private conversation. Sarah’s relationship with her boss was never quite the same, and she missed out on a promotion shortly after that, even though she was technically qualified.

The Impact on Career Progression

All of this will naturally affect your career progression. Your career progression is often tied to the relationships you build and maintain within the organization. If you’re seen as someone who complains about leadership, it can limit your opportunities for advancement. Managers may hesitate to involve you in more strategic or confidential projects, fearing that your loyalty or discretion is compromised.

Complaining, while emotionally satisfying in the moment, rarely leads to real solutions. It can distract you from the proactive steps you can take to improve the situation. If something is genuinely wrong, whether it’s workload, communication issues, or unfair treatment, focus on addressing the root of the problem rather than simply venting. Have a serious conversation with your manager if there is a problem, as that is the only way to get it fixed. Complaining doesn’t lead to any solutions at all.

Setting the Office Tone

The attitude in the office is often up to you as well. Hazel was the front foyer receptionist at the company where I worked. She didn’t manage anyone, but we all loved to complain about her because the entire office suffered if Hazel was in a bad mood. If someone did something Hazel didn’t think was right, we all knew what was done and who did it! In theory, we shouldn’t allow one person to control the mood in the office, but when you have a strong negative force, that is precisely what happens. Even if you are good about not letting it affect you, it can taint the office energy.

If you are complaining about your manager, are others afraid to speak with you? Does your attitude and mood affect everyone else? It likely does, and although you may have the right to be angry or frustrated with your manager, you don’t have the right to make everyone else walk on eggshells. Your attitude often sets the tone for the workplace.

When you complain, you are openly encouraging others to do the same, therefore giving others unspoken permission to complain as well. As you can imagine, this creates a toxic culture where negativity thrives. That affects not only morale but also productivity and job satisfaction for everyone.

Choosing a Better Approach

Being an administrative professional comes with its challenges, especially when dealing with bosses who may be difficult at times. However, complaining is never the answer. It can harm your professional reputation, damage trust, and negatively impact your career growth and your workplace. Instead, focus on finding constructive solutions, maintaining professionalism, and fostering a positive work environment.

So, next time you’re tempted to vent about the boss after a rough meeting or an overwhelming task, ask yourself: Is this worth the long-term consequences? Rather than focusing on what your boss is doing wrong, think about how you can improve communication or manage expectations. If something is truly unbearable, have an open conversation with your boss about how to improve things, but don’t let complaints become your default mode of dealing with the situation.

Written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Co-authored by Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Founder of Pacific Life Coach

Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

Difficult people are everywhere, and that’s just an unfortunate fact of life. Of course, we can’t just go around being difficult ourselves in response. So how do you handle someone who’s just determined to get on every nerve you have? Thankfully, there are some steps you can take to secure your peace of mind. We’ll give you some sound advice to keep in mind while you interact with difficult people, and offer some tips on looking inward and protecting your own peace.

Things You Should Know
Pick your battles, and avoid interacting with that person if you can help it.
Take a moment to collect yourself before you respond to difficult behavior, and communicate your needs and expectations clearly.
Remain polite and stick to the facts. Avoid bringing personal beefs into the interaction.
Consult a friend, coworker, or another ally for help if the person continues to be a problem.

Interacting with a Difficult Person

1. Choose your battles wisely. When butting heads with a difficult person, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss the problem. Not every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become. Ideally, you and this difficult person would be able to set aside your differences and compromise. Sometimes, this is impossible.
Ask yourself if the situation is causing you enough distress that it must be addressed.
Consider your relationship with this person. If it’s your boss or another authority figure, you have to accept some things you don’t like (unless it’s abusive behavior).[1] If it’s a friend or family member, think about whether choosing not to engage is enabling bad behavior or simply saving you time and grief.
Can you even win this fight? You may really want to take on someone who irks you, but you need to size up the situation and consider if it really is one that you can resolve. Perhaps the timing is bad or you need to formulate a plan, get help, or consider your options.

2. Pause for a moment before reacting to difficult behavior. Take a deep breath before responding to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If your conflict is happening via email or texting, try to avoid sending digital text messages when upset. Take a bit of time to let your stress level decrease. Then you will be able to approach the person more reasonably.
If possible, discuss your issue somewhere neutral or while doing an activity. For example, you could talk while walking. This can limit negative face-to-face interactions.[2]

3. State your needs clearly with assertive communication. Don’t give the person the opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words.[3] Aim to use “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. For example:
“I understand that you are frustrated by my lateness. I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, the subway line was down this morning and we were stuck in the station. I am very sorry for making you wait!”
Do not say: “You are unreasonable for expecting me to be punctual when the subway system was broken down. If you really cared, you could have Googled my line and checked.”

4. Continue being polite. No matter the response of the other person, keep your cool. Do not resort to name-calling. Take breaths before your responses. The key is to be the better person and not let yourself sink to their level. Also, the calmer you remain, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.
If you stay polite, the other person may be more likely to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say instead of getting defensive.

5. Stick to the facts. Keep a short, clear narrative that is not bogged down with too much detail or emotion. It is very possible you won’t be able to get the person to see your point of view and you don’t need to try to convince them. State what happened and don’t feel you need to explain yourself.[4]
Avoid trigger topics.[5] For example, if you always fight about holidays with your sister-in-law, don’t discuss them! Have someone else do the mediating.
Avoid being defensive.[6] You might want to argue your point, but with difficult people, it is best to bypass these kinds of arguments. Do not waste your time trying to prove that you are right. Instead, keep the situation as neutral as possible.

6. Set limits with them and stick to those limits. Setting limits or boundaries with another person can be difficult at first, but it’s key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Decide which behaviors you’re willing to tolerate, and how you will deal with them. You could set limits for yourself, e.g., “I’ll spend an hour with Mom on Mother’s Day, but I won’t spend a whole day with her.” Or, you could set clear boundaries with the other person. For example, “Please don’t make comments about my weight. If you do, I’ll immediately end the conversation and walk away.”[7]
Once you set a limit, do your best to enforce it. Many difficult people will continue to take advantage of you if they think you won’t stick to your boundaries.
For instance, if you’ve told a difficult coworker that you don’t want them to tell sexist jokes around you, don’t call them out sometimes and ignore them at other times. Be consistent about asking them not to continue the behavior. You could even set a specific consequence, like, “If it happens again, I’ll bring it up with HR.”

7. Minimize your interactions. Although hopefully you can deal with your problem person, if not, limit your time with them. If you must interact, try to keep things short by excusing yourself from the conversation or bringing a third party into the conversation. Stay as positive as possible and make sure to calm down afterward.[8]
Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague or sibling you want.[9]
If all else fails, you may need to cut ties with the person altogether. This can be especially difficult if it’s a close family member, a significant other, or someone you work with. However, if their behavior is seriously toxic and abusive, it might be time to move on.

8. Talk to allies. If you are not making headway with someone and need to do so, speak with a potential mediator. Perhaps your boss can help improve the situation. If your conflict is within the family, find a mutual party who can negotiate. Strive to share complaints only with people you trust.

Posted on the World Economic Forum Site Feb 2017.

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They set limits. Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They stay aware of their emotions. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They don’t focus on problems—only solutions. Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They don’t forget. Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

They get some sleep. I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Workplace sabotage – when someone intentionally tries to hurt a colleague’s work or reputation – is a big problem. It can take many forms – disrupting projects, spreading false information, or making mistakes on purpose. When this happens it creates mistrust and stress which makes the workplace toxic. Leaders need to know how to spot sabotage, understand its impact and take action to stop it.

My Personal Experience With Sabotage
I’ve experienced sabotage myself. I was on a board for an association where a fellow board member went out of their way to make my role difficult. They “forgot” to invite me to meetings, booked meetings without checking my availability and brought up agenda items without telling me first. Then they complained to other board members that I wasn’t prepared, didn’t understand the bylaws and wasn’t qualified for the role. These actions made my work harder and left me feeling stressed and wondering if I was capable.

What Does Sabotage Look Like?
Sabotage can be overt or covert. Here are some examples:

Leaving someone out of meetings or decisions.
Spreading lies or rumors about a colleague.
Keeping important information from someone who needs it.
Creating delays or mistakes on purpose.
Publicly questioning someone’s skills or knowledge.
If you notice these behaviours, it could mean sabotage is happening.

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How Sabotage Hurts People and Teams?
Sabotage doesn’t just hurt one person—it affects the whole team. Here’s how:

It Breaks Trust: When people sabotage others, it makes the team not trust each other.
It Slows Down Work: Fixing the problems caused by sabotage takes time and energy away from actual work.
It Hurts Mental Health: For the person being sabotaged it feels like they’re under attack all the time. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even depression. They might start to doubt themselves, feel isolated or lose sleep over the situation. Over time it can lead to burnout.
It Damages Team Spirit: A toxic workplace makes people feel unsafe and unmotivated. When people feel they can’t trust their colleagues they stop working together.

Why Do People Sabotage Others?
Knowing why someone might sabotage a colleague can help you stop it. Here are some reasons:

They Want Power: Some people try to look better by making others look worse.
They Feel Insecure: If someone thinks their job is at risk, they might sabotage others to protect themselves.
They Have a Grudge: Past arguments or disagreements can lead to revenge.
They Think They Won’t Get Caught: In workplaces without clear rules, people might feel like they can get away with bad behaviour.

How Leaders Can Stop Sabotage?
Leaders have a big part to play in stopping sabotage. Here are some ways to create a healthy and fair workplace:

Set Clear Rules and Values:
Talk about the team’s values, like respect and honesty.
Make rules about how team members should treat each other.
Communicate Openly:
Share information so everyone feels included and informed.
Hold regular team meetings to check in and solve problems early.
Build Trust Through Team Activities:
Plan activities that help the team get to know and trust each other.
Celebrate team wins to remind everyone that success is shared.
Create Strong Policies:
Have clear policies about harassment, discrimination, and sabotage.
Make sure employees know how to report problems and that their concerns will be taken seriously.
Hold People Accountable:
Investigate issues quickly and fairly.
Take action, like providing coaching or giving consequences, to stop bad behaviour.

What Can You Do If You Are Being Sabotaged?
If you think someone is sabotaging you here’s what you can do:

Keep a Record:
Write down what happened, when it happened, and who was involved.
Save emails, messages, or other evidence of the behaviour.
Talk to Someone You Trust:
Share your concerns with a mentor, a colleague, or a supervisor.
If the behaviour continues, report it to HR or leadership.
Speak Up:
Talk to the person privately and explain how their actions are affecting you.
Focus on solving the problem rather than placing blame.
Be realistic that they are likely to turn the conversation onto how you misread the situation.
Stay Focused on Your Work:
Do your best work. Be professional. Ask questions from others to clarify.
Know When to Move On:
If the problem doesn’t improve, think about whether a new role or workplace might be better for your mental health and career.

How to Recognize the Impact on Someone Being Sabotaged?
When someone is being sabotaged, there are often clear signs that they are struggling. Leaders and colleagues should watch for these red flags:

Changes in Mood: They might seem more stressed, anxious, or withdrawn. They may not engage in conversations the same way that they had before.
Drop in Confidence: They may start doubting themselves or avoiding tasks they used to do well.
Physical Signs of Stress: Lack of sleep, fatigue, or other health issues might become noticeable.
Isolated Behaviour: They might avoid team meetings or social events.
If you see these signs reach out and offer support. Sometimes just knowing someone cares can make a big difference.

Building a Positive Workplace
The best way to stop sabotage is to create a workplace where everyone feels respected and valued. Leaders who take the time to build trust, encourage teamwork and solve problems quickly will help their teams succeed. For individuals staying resilient and asking for help is key to overcoming challenges. It is only by working together and addressing these toxic behaviours, can we create workplaces where everyone can do their best work and feel appreciated.

My brother and I love to debate. Give us a topic, tell me which side to represent, and I’m game. The two of us love to push buttons for one another, but at the end of the day, we engage in a healthy debate. We don’t take it personally, and at the end of the discussion, it is common for one to say to the other, “That was a really good point. I hadn’t thought of that.” We use our debates to share our opinions and learn from one another.

Unfortunately, not everyone debates that way at all. Debate is not always conflict, conflict is not always healthy, and conflict is not created equally.

Workplace conflict happens daily and can strengthen or weaken a team depending on how it is managed. While some conflicts can be healthy and lead to innovation and growth, unresolved conflicts can hurt employee morale and productivity. Conflict around ideas, for example, can fuel innovation and create stronger teams. In contrast, interpersonal conflict often divides and undermines productivity.

To distinguish healthy conflict from unhealthy conflict, let’s start with working definitions:

Unhealthy Conflict: This is interpersonal conflict, usually based on personal grievances, miscommunications, or perceived slights. It is unproductive and divides people, leading to stress and resentment. Unhealthy conflict tends to be based on emotional responses rather than facts and focuses on people rather than ideas. People don’t listen to other points of view and attack others for not thinking the way they think.

Healthy Conflict: This occurs around ideas and encourages open discussion of different viewpoints. Healthy conflict strengthens teams by allowing members to voice their opinions openly without fear of judgment. This type of conflict is constructive, driving creativity and leading to more refined and well-thought-out solutions. It doesn’t attack but instead values different points of view.

Unhealthy conflict comes from several sources: unresolved past issues, misunderstandings, control issues, clashing personalities, or even jealousy. This type of conflict is destructive because it revolves around personal issues rather than professional ideas, and the outcomes are almost always negative. Here’s how unhealthy conflict typically appears in the workplace:

Personal Attacks and Gossip: When disagreements become personal, they often lead to attacks on character rather than constructive discussions. Gossip can also spread, damaging reputations and destroying trust.

Blame Game: Unhealthy conflict often involves assigning blame to individuals rather than discussing how to solve a problem. It leads to defensiveness, and team members may be unwilling to admit mistakes. It doesn’t matter what happened; what matters is who did or said what.

Avoidance or Aggression: If you ever had to avoid someone you work with because you don’t get along, you are experiencing unhealthy conflict. If you can’t avoid one another, the conversation is often passive-aggressive, which is obvious to everyone listening. This often creates a “team” approach to conflict. Are you on Team Rhonda or Team Troy? It makes it uncomfortable and unproductive for everyone when it feels like we are still in high school.

Loss of Focus on Organizational Goals: I belong to an association where we have had an unhealthy conflict that affected the entire association. One person wanted option “A,” and another wanted option “B.” It quickly became personal between the two people, and it felt like the association’s goals weren’t important, but instead, winning was more important for one of the participants. It divided the membership, which impacted everyone.

We know that unhealthy conflict creates a toxic environment. It destroys morale, reduces collaboration, and often results in increased turnover and unengaged team members. If you’ve experienced unhealthy conflict, you may feel alone and isolated, unappreciated, or unsupported, which impacts your overall performance.

On the flip side, healthy conflict can act as a catalyst for positive change. Healthy conflict is not about winning or losing; it’s about finding the best solution for the organization. When encouraged and managed effectively, healthy conflict fosters a culture of trust and open communication. Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:

Focus on Ideas, Not Individuals: Healthy conflict revolves around problem-solving and innovation. By focusing on ideas rather than people, everyone feels safe sharing different opinions, which builds respect and inclusivity. My brother Troy and I not only love to debate, but we also like to learn from one another. I know that his perspective on things has changed my approach to some things.

Increased Creativity and Innovation: Since we feel comfortable disagreeing with one another (in fairness, we look forward to it), we bring diverse perspectives to the table, which creates innovative solutions.

When Warren and I bought and renovated our home in 2020, Troy challenged one of our ideas for the family room. In the end, we took his approach and were thrilled with the final result. His perspective was valuable, and we benefited from his creativity.

Better Decision-Making: By considering multiple viewpoints, teams are more likely to make well-rounded decisions. “Group think” is when we all think the same way and lack creativity, ideas, and perspectives. Groups need to have healthy debate so we can see the issue from different angles and make more informed choices.
Strengthened Team Dynamics: Healthy conflict promotes open communication and trust, which can deepen relationships among team members. It reinforces that all opinions are valued and respected.
Clearer Goals and Roles: When people discuss issues openly, they clarify expectations and responsibilities. Healthy conflict forces teams to articulate their objectives and ensures everyone is on the same page, making it easier to achieve organizational goals.
Healthy conflict is a hallmark of high-performing teams and healthy work cultures. Last week, my article was about not fitting into your workplace culture. However, having unhealthy conflict in your workplace creates an unhealthy culture where you may feel you don’t belong.

I recently worked with an association where I had an opinion that was not valued. I expressed my opinion, and I felt I was open and professional. I was told, in fairly clear terms, “This is how we do it. If you don’t like it, we have many speakers to take your place.”

I realized this is not a culture I want to be part of. It wasn’t a healthy discussion. It didn’t need to be conflict, but it was clearly shown I wasn’t allowed to express my concern. I won’t be speaking there again either.

Healthy conflict encourages others to feel comfortable to voice their concerns and perspectives, which creates a stronger, more adaptable, and healthy organization.

Want to know how to create healthy conflict at work and with your colleagues?

Establish Ground Rules for Communication: Make sure everyone understands the difference between attacking ideas and attacking people. Ground rules for respectful communication can make a big difference.

Model Constructive Disagreement: Be the leader and set the tone for how conflict is handled. By demonstrating how to disagree respectfully and focus on ideas, you can show others that speaking up is safe.

Encourage Active Listening: Encourage everyone to listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and refrain from interrupting. This promotes understanding and reduces the chance of personal attacks.

Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: When conflict arises, redirect discussions towards finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Share this article. #BlameRhonda. By sharing the info openly and potentially putting it on the agenda for your next team meeting, you can get everyone on board with creating a healthy place to work

Even when you do everything right, sometimes things still go wrong. If we become attached to our ideas, our emotions can take over. If we react vs act, we can say or do something that will be received as a personal attack. Even healthy conflict can go sideways occasionally, so be sure you remember exactly how to have healthy conflict. And always remember, you both need to feel the same way. Just because you are keeping it as a healthy disagreement doesn’t mean the other person is.

Conflict is neither good nor bad; it is how it is managed that determines its impact. We need to create a culture where everyone feels valued and valuable. Everyone needs to feel comfortable to express their thoughts without fear of retribution. Conflict can be healthy and can build a culture of respect, trust, and innovation. In the long run, workplaces that handle conflict productively are better equipped to face challenges, adapt to change, and achieve lasting success.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – Work Smart Live Smart

Whine Synonyms: complain, bellyache, fuss, gripe, grumble, moan, snivel….

In any workplace, a colleague who complains all the time or only focuses on the negative can suck the energy out of the room and dampen team spirit. Chronic negativity from those who whine or always dwell on the problems can create a toxic work environment. For team leaders and HR people, dealing with negativity effectively can turn the team around and get the positivity back.

Here are 5 ways to do that:

1. Problem-Solving Over Complaining
Venting can be healthy if it’s followed by action. Chronic negativity often comes from people feeling powerless or frustrated and they may not even realize they’re stuck in a complaining cycle. When a colleague complains, shift the conversation by asking, “What can we do to fix this?” Get them to come up with a solution, no matter how small and follow up on their ideas. This shifts the complaining to problem-solving and gives them a sense of control and the whole team a sense of what to focus on to improve.

2. Create a Culture of Gratitude
Negativity comes from focusing on what’s missing or what’s going wrong. Creating a culture of gratitude can counteract that. Consider having regular gratitude moments in team meetings where everyone shares a positive observation, personal achievement or team success. This isn’t about ignoring the problems but about balancing the perspective. Research shows gratitude boosts morale and individual mental well-being and leads to a more resilient and less negative team.

3. Give Feedback on Communication Style
Chronic negativity is often a habit and the person may not even realize how their words impact others. If you have a good relationship with the person, bring their attention to how they express their concerns. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem really upset about this. Let’s brainstorm some ways to fix it?” This feedback when given with compassion helps them feel seen and heard and encourages a more positive way of communicating.
For those who may resist, remind them positivity in communication isn’t about ignoring the real problems but about making space for constructive conversation.

4. Limit Exposure to Chronic Negativity
While we should support our team members, prolonged exposure to negativity can drain even the most robust professionals. If a colleague is constantly bringing down the mood, consider structuring your interactions to minimize their impact. For example, have one-on-one check-ins with them to share their concerns and explore solutions so their negativity doesn’t spread to others. Encourage team members to manage their own energy by taking breaks or doing stress-reducing activities if they find themselves getting affected by negative conversations frequently.

5. Share Positive News and Inspirational Stories
As bad news and complaints spread quickly, so can positivity if we make an effort to share it. Make a habit of sharing uplifting or inspiring stories during meetings or via team communications. Consider creating a “Good News” newsletter where team members can post positive updates, achievements or good news from around the world. Research shows exposure to positive stories and news boosts morale and resilience and helps teams stay balanced even in tough times.

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Chronic negativity can be tough to navigate in a healthy and engaging workplace. But by focusing on solutions, encouraging gratitude, giving feedback, managing exposure and sharing positivity, leaders can turn it around. When we help team members adopt a balanced approach to challenges we not only build a stronger more positive culture but we also empower individuals to flourish even when things get tough.

How to Deal with Difficult People
Paths to Opportunities Apr 19 2022 by Alexa Panza
Every day you interact with many different people, from family and friends to professors and employers. At some point, you will encounter a difficult person. Such people can make you feel frustrated, angry, and unhappy. But dealing with difficult people doesn’t have to be so difficult. Here are a few tips to make those unpleasant interactions a little easier.

Stay Calm
There are times when a difficult person makes you see red and you don’t know how to deal with it. The easy thing to do is to respond by flying off the handle. More often than not, though, this type of reaction will have negative ramifications. It not only will make you look bad, but it also could make the person you’re having issues with not want to try and work with you. Once that happens, it will be even more challenging to foster a positive relationship.

Instead, do your best to stay calm. Take slow, deep breaths and think about something other than the issue at hand. By remaining calm, you will help to deescalate a potentially charged situation, and create an opportunity to improve your communication with this person.

Don’t Make Assumptions
You may think you know exactly where the other person is coming from, or why they are responding the way they are. In reality, there is a very good chance that you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know if other factors may be affecting their interactions with you. Instead of making assumptions, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you were having a bad day, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you?

Set Boundaries
Once you’ve had a chance to step away from the situation and think clearly about things, determine what boundaries you can set to both protect yourself and to create more positive interactions in the future. Perhaps you don’t meet with the other person one on one, but rather only as part of a larger team. You may need to tell this person not to speak to you in a certain way. The boundaries may be personal parameters that only you are aware of, or they may be clear guidelines that you set with the other person. Either way, setting boundaries will help you feel more in control of the situation and may yield more successful interactions.

Be Honest with Yourself
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, it’s easy to put blame solely on the other person. But don’t be so quick to deem yourself completely innocent in the matter. In most situations, there are things that both individuals could do differently to promote a more positive outcome. Take time to reflect on your own actions. Ask yourself what you’re doing that could be setting the other person off. Or you may find that you haven’t actively tried to change the situation. You can’t control what the other person does, but you can control what you do.

Get Help
You may find that dealing with this person is really taking a toll on you, or that nothing you try is working. You don’t exist in a vacuum. Lean on friends and family for support. Talk to mentors or colleagues (when appropriate) to see if there might be something else you can do to help rectify the situation. Sometimes, it is too hard to see where you can go when you’re in the middle of things, and an outside perspective might be just what you need.

You will encounter difficult people wherever you go in life. What’s important is that you don’t let these issues consume you or define you. Take the time to understand where others may be coming from, think about what you can do differently. Perhaps you’ll discover that the difficult person isn’t so difficult after all.

On Topic
Felicia L. Alvarez is an enrolled tribal member of the Eastern Shoshone Nation, Fort Washakie, Wyoming, Wind River Reservation. She has worked at the Denver Art Museum for 25 years. For the past five years she has severed as a facilities supervisor. She is working toward becoming a Facilities Manager through the International Facility Management Association. Prior to the Denver Art Museum, Alvarez worked in many of the high rise facilities in the downtown Denver area.

What are some signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person — and that you’re going to have to go beyond your usual tactics to work with them?
As a facilities supervisor for the Denver Art Museum, I work with many different people, including those from the museum departments, contractors, visitors, employees, co-workers, and the greater community. Each individual reacts differently to a given scenario. As a supervisor, I will not blanket individuals and situations the same. Instead, I have to consider how I approach the specific person involved. Although my intentions are good and I just need an employee to do something, I know a situation can turn ugly quickly depending on the other person’s current state of mind.

Often, there are signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person. For example, they may act defensive or insubordinate, or they could have a bad attitude the moment you approach them. Perhaps their body language indicates resistance or reveals that they consider you as an aggressor. In these cases, a small task turns into rebellion.

When I notice such responses from the person I’m dealing with, I have learned that it’s best to back off and reconvene later in the day when their mood improves and frustration lessens. As a woman supervising men, I have had to work through these situations many times. Not only am I a woman in a man’s world, but I am also a Native woman. I say this because there are some people who feel you are beneath them, and their attitude reflects their mindset. All I can do is be understanding, let them know we have a job to do regardless of their issue with me. I must stand strong and be confident in what I’m asking them to do.

Being a supervisor is tough. You’re managing the work that needs to be done, but also coordinating and scheduling individuals to accomplish specific tasks. You will always run up against someone who will challenge your position, your integrity, and you as a leader. How you handle yourself is important. You must know when not to engage — if you’re are getting upset, it’s best to walk away and reconvene.

Remember, it’s not about who wins but rather it’s about getting the work done. At some point you and the difficult person you’re dealing with need to come to an agreement and work together. While this can take some time to work through, it can be done.

It is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult people at some point in your career. Sometimes it might be a supervisor while other times it may be your fellow associates. You may also encounter difficult customers that you have to interact with on a regular basis. There’s no simple reason why some people are difficult. The reality is that everyone is different and some personalities can be more challenging than others. Some people tend to take credit for others’ work while others blame everyone else for their mistakes. You may also have the coworker who steals everyone else’s ideas or the person who is combative whenever they are addressed. In every organization, there will undoubtedly be gossipers, bullies, demanding bosses, and terrible team players. Rather than endure these issues silently, try implementing the following strategies to help you better handle difficult people at work.

1. Don’t React
Sometimes difficult people act out because they want to rile you up and get a reaction out of you. If you react, there’s a good chance they will repeat the behavior. Instead, remain calm and try to ignore the person’s behavior. Move on with what you are doing and let them know that you are not concerned about their behavior. Someone who can remain calm is seen as being in control and the difficult person is more likely to respect you.

2. Develop a Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult person but this approach can actually be very effective. When you take the time to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their interests, and their style of work, you will have a better understanding of figuring out what makes them tick. Showing genuine interest and concern for a coworker can also motivate them to treat you with respect in return.

3. Practice Empathy
It’s easy to lash out and get angry when someone treats you unfairly, but try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You never know what is going on in someone else’s personal life. Perhaps the person is under enormous stress caring for a sick family member or maybe the person is going through a divorce. The fact is, we all go through challenging times in our lives when our attitudes and behaviors might be affected by our current situation. Instead of judging your coworker, try listening to them and practicing empathy.

4. Stand Up for Yourself
No matter the situation you should never be expected to accept poor, inexcusable behavior. Everyone is entitled to respect and you have a right to express your feelings if you feel you have been disrespected in the workplace. Calmly and assertively talk to the person and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are happy to talk with them and work alongside them but you expect to be treated with respect at work.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
There are many things in life that we can control and many that we can’t. It’s always best to focus on the things you can control. This includes dealing with difficult people. For instance, if you have a coworker that is not responsive to your calls or emails, simply move on to find another coworker who is willing to assist you with your project. Work around the difficult person and control the things you can.

6. Practice Self-Examination
The ability to practice self-awareness is a top leadership skill in any career. Take a minute to examine your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your demeanor towards others. Are you aware of your emotions and how they affect you? Are you aware of how your behaviors are perceived by those around you? Ask yourself if there is something you could be doing that might be contributing to the problem. You also need to examine the way in which you are handling the issue so you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the fire.

7. Treat the Person with Kindness and Respect
You may have heard the expression “kill them with kindness” and this can definitely be an effective tactic for dealing with difficult people. There is not a single person who appreciates being berated or treated like they are incompetent, and this includes difficult people. If you treat the person disrespectfully in return, they will almost certainly make things worse. You will be far more successful following the old mantra to “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

8. Don’t Take Things Personally
When someone is difficult we often find ourselves taking their behavior as a personal attack. If someone is repeatedly rude to us we begin to feel like they just don’t like us. The fact is, however, that the person’s rude behavior might be originating from something else. If you don’t take it personally, you can step back and really consider the best course of action.

9. Establish Boundaries
Dealing with a difficult person means you sometimes have to confront the person and establish firm boundaries. While you should do so with respect, it is certainly acceptable to advocate for yourself. You sometimes have to let the person know how you expect to be treated and let them know that you will not tolerate anything less. If they are unable to respect you, action may have to be taken.

10. Talk with Your Boss
If you have tried these other approaches and all else fails, you can always talk to your manager or boss about the situation. Be prepared to communicate clearly to your boss what is bothering you and why you find the behavior unacceptable. In some cases, you might even provide a record of the person’s disrespectful behavior. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and your ability to do your job.

Written by: https://managementtraininginstitute.com/contact-us/