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4 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

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Written By: THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF LEADERSHIP AND SUCCESS
https://www.nsls.org/blog/leading-difficult-people

Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.

Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.

Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”

Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.

THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.

According to the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), there are 11 behaviors that difficult people often have, which include:

Poor job performance
Doesn’t work well with others
Doesn’t respond to coaching
Resistant to change
Not responsible for their own actions
Has a negative attitude
Poor work ethic
Displays arrogance
Poor communication skills
Mismatched between skills and actual job
Relies on “Yes, but…” weaknesses
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:

Callousness
Grandiosity
Aggressiveness
Suspiciousness
Manipulation
Domineering
Risk-taking

Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.

HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?

Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.

1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.

For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.

To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.

Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.

2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.

You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.

A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.

Other tips for making sure the communication process goes smoothly:

Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.

Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.

Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.

Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful. Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare. Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.

3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.

While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.

Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.

Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:

Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.

4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.

If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.

LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.

Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.

Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.

4 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

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Written By: THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF LEADERSHIP AND SUCCESS
https://www.nsls.org/blog/leading-difficult-people

Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.

Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.

Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”

Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.

THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.

According to the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), there are 11 behaviors that difficult people often have, which include:

Poor job performance
Doesn’t work well with others
Doesn’t respond to coaching
Resistant to change
Not responsible for their own actions
Has a negative attitude
Poor work ethic
Displays arrogance
Poor communication skills
Mismatched between skills and actual job
Relies on “Yes, but…” weaknesses
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:

Callousness
Grandiosity
Aggressiveness
Suspiciousness
Manipulation
Domineering
Risk-taking

Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.

HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?

Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.

1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.

For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.

To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.

Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.

2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.

You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.

A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.

Other tips for making sure the communication process goes smoothly:

Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.

Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.

Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.

Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful. Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare. Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.

3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.

While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.

Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.

Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:

Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.

4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.

If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.

LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.

Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.

Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.

Do You Create Conflict or Tension with Others?

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Have you ever had a relationship with someone, and it immediately didn’t feel right? It felt like there was some tension in the relationship, and you weren’t sure why?

Unintentionally, we often create conflict. We rarely see that we are at fault and are often unsure why there is tension in the relationship. Sometimes things feel off, and we can’t figure out what went wrong and where it went wrong.

Here are three ways we create conflict or tension in relationships, along with the solutions to avoid it moving forward.

We all have a basic psychological to be valued and treated as individuals. We don’t want to feel like one of the crowd; we want to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized.

Sometimes, we create conflict by not valuing the other person or treating them as an individual. Years ago, my husband and I would go to our local church each week. We would show up, and every week someone at the door would say, “Welcome to our church.” Which we loved, followed by, “Are you new here?” The first couple of times, I thought, isn’t that nice? But after we kept going for months and months and months, and they kept asking us, “Are you new here?” I thought, why don’t you see me here each week? Why don’t you remember? It started to create tension as I wasn’t feeling part of the community I wanted to be part of. I didn’t want to go to this church because I wasn’t feeling valued or recognized.

As someone who travels, I have my favorite airlines and hotels. I love it when I walk into a hotel, and they say, “Welcome back.” You know as well as I do that the person behind the desk doesn’t remember me, and I don’t remember them, but they know that I’m a frequent guest at the hotel or a frequent flyer, and they say, “Welcome back.” That makes me feel recognized and valued.

How do you recognize and value the people that you work with? When you’ve worked with a client before, and they call you up, do you say, “It’s nice to hear from you again”? Do you keep files on your clients?

My dentist keeps notes of my visits. One visit, she said, “Last time we were speaking, you were on your way to New York City. How was it?” It always makes me feel like she values me. She creates a relationship with me. Imagine if every time I went to the dentist, she said, “Now what is it you do again?” I would not feel valued and recognized, which would create tension or even conflict because I remember her. You can imagine my thought process is, “I’m giving you all this money, and you don’t remember me?”

The solution is easy; start remembering people. Start treating them with value and recognition. Yes, she creates notes on each patient and reads them before she treats us. I don’t expect that she actually remembers without her notes, but once she jogs her memory on our last visit, she can easily make me feel valued.

People also require self-esteem. If they don’t feel good about themselves or feel good about the interaction, it will create conflict or tension unintentionally.

Let’s assume you’re sitting around a board room table, and Sarah walks into the meeting late, and Frank says, “Oh, it’s about time you got here. You need a class on time management?” To begin, the comment is inappropriate. The comment is likely to be meant as a joke and make light of the fact that Sarah arrived at the meeting late. Instead, it embarrasses them by pointing out that they were late. Did the comment create conflict or tension? Yes.

I have a dry, witty, sarcastic sense of humor that can easily create conflict, although that is not my intention. My goal is to be funny, but when my goal is at someone else’s expense, I’ve unintentionally embarrassed them or made them the butt of my joke. I’ve created conflict or tension if my humor is at someone else’s expense.

Start to look at your interactions, humor, those quick one-liners we all use. Do they embarrass (even in jest) another? If so, ask yourself if that is your intention. If it isn’t (and shouldn’t be), you need to recognize that you might be unintentionally creating conflict or tension. Stop doing it.

We also have an unbelievable need to be fair. We know as adults that life is not fair, and this seems like a strange way to create conflict. Conflict will be created when something is perceived as not fair.

For instance, let’s assume a new job is posted within your company and you’ve applied for it. You feel that you are the most qualified, the most senior, and the most deserving candidate; however, the person who did get the job is relatively junior and at the company for a short period of time. In your mind, you might say, “That’s not fair,” and between the two of you, conflict will occur. The other person has no idea there is conflict or tension, but you do as you are upset with the decision of others. Can you sincerely congratulate them and wish them the best of luck with no ill feelings? For many of us, that would be hard as we felt that we should be in the job. That’s the tension it created. It wasn’t fair they got the job when you perceived yourself as better qualified.

We all know life is not fair. However, anytime there is a perception of the situation not being fair, conflict will arise. We need always to be aware of that. Ensure you are treating people equitably and fair.

Creating tension or conflict in relationships is unintentional; however, there are times we are all guilty of doing so. Analyze your working conversations and situations to ensure that you aren’t the one who is damaging the relationship.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations

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Written by Mark Roberts.

https://www.linkedin.com/redir/redirect?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Enosmokeandmirrors%2Ecom&urlhash=vvcM&trk=about_website

Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations

We’ve all been there – faced with the daunting task of engaging in a conversation that feels like treading on thin ice. Both in our personal and professional settings, difficult conversations are inevitable. Yet, as challenging as they may seem, they often hold the key to unlocking growth and strengthening relationships. Dive in, and let’s unpack this.

The Anatomy of Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations often come with a whirlwind of emotions, making them charged with potential misunderstandings. It’s essential to understand the significance of these discussions. Why? Because they matter – they shape our interactions, relationships, and outcomes.

Common scenarios that often require careful navigation include:

 

  • Performance issues with employees: Discussing lackluster performance can be tricky, but it’s essential for the growth of both the individual and the organization.
  • Customer dissatisfaction or complaints: No business wants unhappy customers, but addressing their concerns with empathy and understanding can turn detractors into promoters.
  • Setting boundaries or declining requests: Saying ‘no’ is never easy, but it’s sometimes necessary to maintain balance and integrity.

 

Preparation for the Conversation

Have you ever heard the saying, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail“? It’s especially true here. Preparing for a challenging conversation can be the difference between a fruitful and disastrous discussion.

Setting clear objectives is paramount:

 

  • What is the desired outcome? Are you looking for a resolution, understanding, or something else?
  • What needs to be addressed or communicated? Being clear on your points prevents you from wandering off track.
  • What is the personality style of the person you are communicating with, and how must you plan your conversation delivery for them?

 

It’s also wise to anticipate potential reactions. If you can predict how the other party might respond, you can prepare suitable responses or solutions.

Lastly, choosing the proper environment is crucial:

 

  • Neutral: Ensure the location doesn’t favor one party.
  • Private: Confidential matters should stay confidential.
  • Free from distractions: You want the focus to remain on the conversation.

 

Key Strategies for Effective Communication

Mastering the art of communication is a lifelong journey, but its rewards in navigating difficult conversations are immeasurable. Effective communication can mean the difference between escalating and resolving a situation harmoniously. Let’s delve deeper into some of these essential strategies.

Active Listening

Active listening goes beyond just hearing words; it involves immersing oneself in the essence of what’s being communicated. It’s about genuine engagement.

Truly hearing the other party’s perspective: It’s easy to get caught up in formulating our following argument while someone else is talking. Resist this urge. Instead, focus on understanding the message, emotions, and nuances they convey. Doing so provides clarity and fosters a sense of respect and validation for the other person.

Avoiding interruptions or immediate counterarguments: Let’s be honest; no one likes to be interrupted. It sends a message that what they’re saying isn’t valuable. Allowing the other party to finish their thoughts creates a space of mutual respect.

The Power of “I” Statements

Pointing fingers rarely leads to productive outcomes. However, using “I” statements personalizes your feelings and reactions without making it about the other person’s actions.

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I express my thoughts.” This slight shift in phrasing fosters understanding rather than defensiveness.

Open-Ended Questions

These questions can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They encourage a more comprehensive response and deeper thinking.

For instance, asking, “How did that make you feel?” instead of “Did that upset you?” can lead to richer insights and greater clarity for both parties involved.

Managing Emotions

Tensions can run high during difficult conversations. But remember, losing control of emotions can derail even the most well-intentioned discussion.

Taking breaks if needed: If the conversation is becoming overly heated, suggesting a short break is perfectly okay. This lets both parties gather their thoughts and approach the discussion with renewed calmness.

Practicing deep breathing or other calming techniques: Physical responses to stress, like elevated heart rate or faster breathing, can amplify feelings of anger or anxiety. Taking slow, deep breaths can help regulate these responses and maintain clarity of thought.

Solutions Over Problems

It’s easy to get bogged down discussing problems. However, spending all our energy dissecting what went wrong might miss the chance to find a way forward. You can always steer the conversation towards potential solutions. This proactive approach addresses the issue at hand and reinforces the idea that both parties are working together towards a common goal.

The Power of “What and How” Questions

For years, we have taught teams the five whys to get to the root of a problem. Boy, were we wrong? Yes, five whys may work, but why questions imply judgment like “Why did that happen? “What and How questions help us discuss the situation without judgment, and the other person does not become defensive.

Turning Challenges into Relationship-Building Opportunities

Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks; they can be setups for a stronger bond.

By showing vulnerability and authenticity, you lay a foundation of trust.

Empathy plays a huge role in this:

 

  • Seeking to genuinely understand the other’s perspective: Stepping into their shoes can provide invaluable insights.
  • Expressing genuine concern and care: Showing genuine care can melt barriers.

 

Discover common ground and shared values. It’s surprising how commonality can be found when looking for it.

After the conversation, committing to follow-up actions and ensuring follow-through is crucial. This shows the results of your talk.

Lastly, always emphasize the importance of open communication in the future. Today’s difficult conversations can pave the way for easier ones tomorrow.

Post-Conversation Reflection and Growth

After navigating the murky waters of a challenging discussion, take a moment to reflect.

Evaluating the outcomes:

 

  • Were objectives met? Did you achieve what you set out to?
  • Were both parties heard and understood? This ensures that there’s no lingering resentment or misunderstanding.

 

Identify learning opportunities:

 

  • What went well? Celebrate these victories.
  • What could be improved in the future? This will make future discussions even more effective.

 

Building on this experience can pave the way for more fruitful conversations.

Conclusion

Difficult conversations aren’t necessarily a roadblock; they can be bridges to deeper understanding and stronger relationships. Embrace them. With the proper training, strategies, and mindset, effective communication can turn challenges into opportunities, fostering relationships that stand the test of time.

Tips for Having Difficult Conversations

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Whether they are personal or professional, no one likes having difficult conversations. They make you anxious and uncomfortable, and they make the other person anxious and uncomfortable. But they need to be done. If we avoid them, we create a much bigger situation that is harder to fix.

Here are five quick tips to ensure your difficult conversations don’t go sideways.

  1. Be prepared. Don’t assume you can wing this conversation. There is too much at stake to mess it up. Figure out what your issue is so you can keep focused. What is the solution you are hoping for, and what questions should you ask to ensure the conversation heads in the right direction.

This means you need to think about the conversation instead of automatically assuming it will go well. Think about what could go wrong, how things could be misunderstood, and how the other person feels hearing what you have to say.

  1. Schedule a time to talk. You cannot ambush the other person. It would help if you gave them time to prepare for the conversation. Just because the two of you are alone in the elevator does not mean you should have the conversation then and there.

Schedule a place that is private and professional. Make sure others cannot hear you.

  1. Be comfortable with silence. As much as you have scheduled a time and place to speak, so you don’t ambush the other person, ensure that you don’t turn this difficult conversation into a lecture. Give the other person the opportunity to digest what you are saying and respond to it as well. You’ve had time to think about what and how you want to say something. They haven’t had the same opportunity.

When you ask a question, be sure to wait a full ten seconds for the other person to respond before you say something else. It is a conversation, not a lecture. Give them time to respond.

  1. Do NOT email. I know that many people want to email this difficult conversation as it is easier to plan out what you want to say as well as to give you and the other person time to digest before a response is expected. However, it never goes according to plan.

We want the paper trail to show how we responded professionally and respectfully. I can almost guarantee the other person doesn’t read your email in the same tone you intended. They will read sarcasm or insult to your words. And you will do the same with theirs.

Email always backfires.

  1. Don’t bring others into it. It is tempting to say, “I am not the only one who feels this way,” to justify why we are having this difficult conversation. Only, that line never offers justification; it derails the conversation instantly.

Instead of talking about the issue, we are now talking about who else is talking about them behind their back? It feels like they’ve been the subject of office gossip, and that never feels good. It will be hard to stay focused on the issue at hand as their focus will be on “who else feels this way.”

Difficult Conversations are called difficult for a reason. They take the nerve to have the conversation and the will to ensure it is respectful and successful. Neither are easy, but these tips will ensure they are successful!

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Why are Difficult People Difficult?

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I have a (former) friend with whom I refuse to go to dinner anymore. She returns the food to the kitchen 100 percent of the time. She doesn’t like her hairdresser, complains about how she is treated in hotels, and is a nightmare to work with. She is constantly complaining about the service she gets everywhere she goes.

Before I realized this was her norm, I asked her about always returning her meal to the kitchen at a restaurant. She explained to me that she felt she worked very hard for her money and expected the best when she spent it. If she returned it to the kitchen, it would come back super hot and fresh. She also giggled and explained that many times, she also got a free dessert or a discount on her meal.

I stopped eating in restaurants with her after that meal.

It was her personality that made her so difficult. She would have never agreed that she was a difficult person, but instead felt that she was assertive and stood up for herself.

Statistically, 2 percent of the population falls into the category of “difficult people.” Some days, I run into a month’s worth of 2 percent all in one day.

Which begs the question, why? Why do some people consistently make the world a more challenging place? Why do some people treat others poorly? Why don’t they ever realize they are difficult and change?

1. Insecurity or self-esteem. Imposter syndrome affects everyone differently. I tend to be a bit quiet and shy when I’m feeling imposter syndrome, but some people feel the need to compensate or overexaggerate how important they are. We’ve all seen the braggarts and wondered why they felt the need to treat other people as if they were ‘less than’ them.

2. Payoff. Every action we take is prompted by something we want or get. In my Dealing with Difficult People workshops, I call that the “payoff.” We all do what we do because we get something from it. The payoff can be various reasons: control, competitiveness, attention, the need to be right, etc. Your colleague is chronically negative (it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too wet, too green, too brown, too white) because they are (in their opinion) just making conversation. Their payoff is that they are a good conversationist. They don’t see themselves as negative.

Think about it—what do people love to do? Complain. It can be the weather, politics, or your favorite sports team. They would never consider themselves negative. Their payoff is that it starts conversation (and it always does, right?).

My friend’s payoff in the example above is that she had fresh hot food and occasionally something for free. Her payoff is that she feels acknowledged.

3. Entitlement. Similar to insecurity and even payoff, some people feel they are more special than others and deserve things that others don’t.

4. Personality Traits: Some people have inherently difficult personalities, such as being stubborn, confrontational, or overly critical. They feel more difficult if we are not the same or sometimes if we are.

In transparency, I can be stubborn (this won’t surprise some of you). I can dig in and fight if the situation warrants it, and I find it frustrating/difficult when I meet someone who does the same to me. Our personality traits are similar, and yet we find one another difficult.

5. Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. I am a direct communicator and am sometimes considered too aggressive or difficult (although I don’t perceive my communication as aggressive or difficult). Others may be passive-aggressive or overly direct, which can be difficult for others to navigate.

6. Past Experiences: Past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or negative experiences can shape someone’s behavior and make them defensive or guarded in certain situations. This may manifest as difficulty.

7. Emotional State: People experiencing stress, anxiety, or other emotional challenges may exhibit difficult behavior to cope with their emotions.

8. Lack of Empathy: Some people may lack empathy or have difficulty understanding others’ perspectives, making it hard for them to relate to or connect with others. Their lack of compassion may be perceived as a difficult person.

9. Control Issues: People who need to control situations or others may exhibit difficult behavior when they feel their control is threatened. Oh yes, we all might be guilty here!

10. Cultural Differences: Cultural norms and values can influence behavior, leading to misunderstandings or conflicts when people from different cultural backgrounds interact.

It’s not about you! I know this isn’t why they are difficult, but if you look at the answers above, you’ll see that none of them are about you. It is extremely rare that people are difficult just to annoy you! They are reacting to their environment and situation and getting something they need rather than trying to ruin your day.

So, the next time you encounter a difficult person, go through this checklist and ask yourself why they are being so difficult. Once we can diagnose their “why,” it is often easier to deal with their behavior.

My former friend and I are no longer friendly for reasons I’m not sure. When I look at her motivation for being so difficult, I end up with entitlement. She feels she deserves special treatment. She isn’t worried about how hard others work for their money (it is never about the other person), but she feels she is entitled to special treatment for whatever invisible reason. She is “better” than the other people in the restaurant (or salon, hotel, etc).

While I’m sorry we aren’t friends, as I’d like to analyze her more (LOL), it is helpful to understand why she shows these tendencies to be so difficult. It helps me to hold back from yelling at her when she treats people in a way that is unacceptable to me. When you can diagnose, it is easier to understand and respond to (instead of reacting to).

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Identifying Workplace Harassment

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You’ve got a colleague who deliberately leaves you off the email discussion, doesn’t invite you to meetings, openly seems hostile to you, and you are pretty sure they are talking smack behind your back to others. You know they not only don’t like you, but it feels like they are trying to get you fired!

Are you working with a difficult person, a bully, or is it actual harassment?

You’ve tried every technique you can to work with them. You’re uber polite, you go extra lengths to ensure you aren’t reacting to their treatment of you, and you spend countless hours worrying about why they are targeting you.

And nothing works. It may be time to contact your union representative, senior leadership, or human resources. Before you do, you want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not the “different personalities clashing” but, instead, legitimate harassment.

Does what they are doing qualify as harassment? Will your company take you seriously or tell you to grow up and act like adults? We know that regardless of the treatment’s title (harassment or not), it can deeply affect you. We also know that unless it does qualify as harassment, there is often very little a company can do about working with unprofessional and mean people.

Before you assume nothing can be done, let’s examine the types of workplace harassment that exist.

Please note that I am not giving you legal advice.

 

**Discriminatory Harassment:**

Epithets, slurs, jokes, negative stereotyping, or threatening, intimidating, or hostile acts that relate to a person’s race, color, religion, gender, national origin, age, disability, or other protected characteristics are discriminatory harassment. They create an intimidating or offensive environment for the victim and violate their rights to a fair and respectful workplace.

 

**Personal Harassment:**

If you are being subjected to offensive remarks for reasons not related to race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics, it could be personal harassment. For example, you could be harassed because someone is making fun of your stutter or how you walk. You feel belittled or undermined on either a personal or professional level. This form of harassment can deeply affect an individual’s confidence and mental health. This is classic bullying.

 

**Online Harassment or Cyberbullying:**

With the rise of technology and social media, online harassment has become increasingly prevalent. Cyberbullies may spread rumors, send threatening messages, or engage in other harmful behavior through digital platforms, creating distress and anxiety for their victims.

 

**Physical Harassment or Workplace Violence:**

I once heard a story of how an EA was on the receiving end of a stapler being hurled at her and another where the manager stomped on her mobile phone (the rule said no mobile phones at work). Both of these examples qualify as they involve a physical attack, property damage, or threats of harm. In extreme cases, it may escalate to physical assault, posing serious risks to the victim’s safety and well-being.

 

**Power Harassment:**

If you feel that your job or employment is being threatened by a supervisor, you might feel helpless and vulnerable, like you have no choice but to “take it.” If there is a power imbalance between the target and the harasser (who could be your manager or supervisor), you might be experiencing power harassment. Of course, this is harder to prove unless you have documentation that your job is being threatened, etc.

 

**Retaliation Harassment:**

Retaliation harassment occurs when individuals target others as a form of revenge or to prevent certain behaviors. This can create a toxic cycle of harassment and retaliation within the workplace, further exacerbating tensions and conflicts. For instance, if you didn’t prioritize a task the way your harasser wanted you to, they retaliate and don’t approve your vacation request on time, etc., or they threaten to call the police about a family member’s behavior.

 

**Sexual Harassment:**

Sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual advances or behavior, creating a hostile work environment for the victim. Quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs when a superior demands sexual favors in exchange for employment benefits or threatens negative consequences for refusal.

There are situations that happen every day that don’t fall into these categories, and organizations struggle to know what to do. However, if your situation is defined by one of these categories, the problem is much easier to deal with.

Don’t assume your company, Human Resources department, or union won’t help you. If you qualify – they will help you. We need to prevent harassment in all forms so that everyone can work in a safer, more supportive environment.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not from artificial intelligence.

Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity

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Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.

She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.

Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.

It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.

Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment. Clarity is the answer.

Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.

You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.

Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.

Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.

Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.

Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.

Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:

“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”

Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?

However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.

From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;

–         You sent an email without speaking to me first

–         I was embarrassed and mortified

–         You should know I wouldn’t exclude you

–         I had a limited number of people for the training

–         I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others

–         Why did you do all of this?

All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.

“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”

That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.

Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.

Signs you are Dealing with a Narcissistic Boss and What to Do About it.

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Written by:

Katia Beeden

About

As a trauma-informed life coach, I help victims of narcissistic abuse to love and value themselves so they never allow toxic relationships into their lives again.

 

 

Do you dread going to work? Are you feeling so stressed out that when you’re away from your job, it’s all you can talk about? Are you working round the clock trying to prove yourself but the goalposts keep shifting? Are you tying yourself in knots trying to please your boss while at the same time, you’re terrified of them? Are you spending your work hours on edge, overwhelmed and burned out?

The term narcissist has become a buzzword for anyone who has a moderate dose of toxic traits. The thing is, in a stressful work environment, any one of us could behave badly on occasion. However, our empathy and shame keep us in check. We apologize, make amends and vow to do better.

The narcissistic boss expresses these negative characteristics on a daily basis. They have no shame and they feel no empathy. They feel perfectly justified abusing and exploiting those around them. They are bullies.

Instead of worrying about whether your boss is a narcissist or not, focus on yourself. Identify the coping mechanisms that are keeping you stuck in an abusive situation. The questions you need to ask yourself are NOT, “why is this happening to me?” Or, “is my boss a narcissist?” But, rather:

“Why am I tolerating this?”

“What limiting beliefs are enabling me to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe environment?”

“What inside of me thinks it is okay or normal to stay in an unsafe environment?”

This is where your work lies.

The sad truth is, if you don’t take care of yourself, you are the one that is going to come off second best.

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.” — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

As a personality disorder, narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its extreme, a malignant narcissist will maliciously sabotage your career. Hurting people is a game to them. It makes them feel powerful, omnipotent and in control. At the lesser end of the spectrum, you have a lazy, self-absorbed boss. They steal your ideas and swing between praising you and devaluing you.

All narcissists are energy vampires. They create drama to feed off your negative emotions. You find yourself walking on egg-shells and performing acrobatics to please them — to no avail. Narcissists are dismissive, entitled and grandiose. The moment anyone else captures the spotlight, they become jealous, envious and resentful.

Narcissistic bosses see their employees as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. As an employee, your primary role is to affirm your narcissistic boss’s grandiose self image. They are amazing, talented, sexy rock stars and you are one of their groupies. You are lucky to even be in their presence. Working for such a godlike icon is a gift and you better appreciate it.

Your primary role is to mirror to them how wonderful they are. Your job is to admire, praise and generally provide fuel for the narcissist’s inflated ego. There is no room for your creativity, strength, contribution or ideas. If they do not uplift your narcissistic boss’s reputation, they’re dismissed. You are not allowed to shine.

A narcissistic boss does not see you as an equal contributor. They have an inflated sense of their own importance and see themselves as above mere mortals such as you. You are and always will be a subordinate. If your narcissistic boss sees potential in you, they will view it as a direct threat. Instead of mentoring and growing you, they will sabotage you and drive you out of the company. They will heap praise and privileges onto those they can manipulate and use to do their bidding.

At their core, a narcissist is insecure. They will do whatever it takes to protect their false self. The classic narcissistic abuse cycle is: Idealize or love-bomb, devalue and discard. At first, your narcissistic boss idealizes you. You can do no wrong and you feel confident in your role. As time passes, you fail to remain as a fresh source of narcissistic supply. To extract the same levels of narcissistic supply from you, they begin to devalue you. They switch from positive reinforcement to negative reinforcement. Eventually, you are forced to leave, which is the discard.

Signs your boss is toxic or narcissistic

1. Micromanaging and Nitpicking.

Suddenly, your work is not up to scratch. You are criticized, ignored, abused and invalidated. What starts as small criticisms, escalates. You have sleepless nights trying to figure out what you have done or said wrong.

You have done nothing wrong!

Your narcissistic boss is manipulating and devaluing you on purpose. They feed off your negative reactions. It’s a game to them and a way of getting narcissistic supply. The longer you stay in the game, the longer the abuse will continue. It will never stop — it will only escalate and get worse. If for some reason, your boss is playing nice, it’s only because they want or need something from you.

The criticism is not constructive. Rather, it’s intended to confuse and devalue you and your work. Use the grey rock technique.

2. Watching your every move.

Narcissists are paranoid and they are control freaks. Your narcissistic boss insists you fill out timesheets. Every second of your day is monitored. Spyware follows your keystrokes on your computer. Cameras capture your every move. You feel watched and spied on. Flying monkeys aka The Chosen Ones report back to the narcissist.

3. They devalue you by depersonalizing you. 

Instead of in-person communication, all communication is via email. Whenever you want to schedule a meeting they fob you off or don’t show up.

4. Withholding. 

Narcissistic bosses will abuse you by withholding information. They also withhold praise, raises and promotions. They exclude you from important meetings and emails.

5. Narcissistic bosses give low performance reviews. 

Despite your good work and ability to reach or exceed your targets, you repeatedly get passed over for promotion. They refuse your requests for a salary increase without a valid reason. These are clear signs that you are not valued and they don’t care about you. Document all the work you’ve put in so that you can back up your performance review with actual data. There’s a good chance they will falsely accuse you of under-performing. Value yourself and find a new job that values you!

6. Your narcissistic boss takes work away from you and gives you awful briefs.

They are letting you know they don’t value you. They may also be punishing you for some perceived slight.

7. They smear your name.

Out of the blue, your colleagues seem cold and distant. Trust your gut on this one and get to work on your exit strategy. It’s not your fault, you are dealing with a toxic personality. You cannot win against a narcissist. You are a threat to them and they want you gone.

Narcissistic bosses don’t like strong, creative people who are independent and autonomous. They prefer people they can manipulate and use. In a weird way, being the target of a narcissistic boss is a compliment. It’s a sign that you are not someone who can be easily manipulated! It’s a sign that you are strong and that you deserve better.

Narcissistic bosses keep “yes-men and yes-women” around them. They need people who are sycophants and will do their bidding. It’s not about performance or skill set with a narcissist. They promote and value those they can use and manipulate to make themselves look good.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Place your focus on your next project or job. I know I sound like a stuck record, but put your exit strategy in place. Move on — and up.

Tools to help you cope with your toxic boss (while you plan your escape).

Please note, these are short-term strategies. The best thing you can do for yourself is LEAVE. You can’t change a toxic environment. The longer you stay, the more it will damage you. No amount of money or perks are worth your health and your sanity.

1. Depersonalize the narcissist’s behavior.

Don’t take their rudeness personally. They are dysfunctional — not you. The negative atmosphere and the toxic vibes will wear you down. The narcissist will drain your energy. The longer you stay, the more exhausted and depleted you will become. Protect your energy. Don’t allow their toxicity to affect your health and peace of mind. Use mindfulness and breathing techniques. Put a protective bubble around yourself at work. Meditate, pray, call on your guardian angel. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

2. A narcissistic boss believes they are above the law.

Rules don’t apply to them. They will take short cuts, manipulate data and abuse their expense account. They have no qualms using unethical marketing practices to get what they want. If they get caught, they will shift the blame onto you or someone else.

3. Stop being so afraid of them!

Working in a constant state of fear is damaging to your health. Face your deepest fears and imagine them happening. Next, think of the steps you would take if you got fired, for example. You are never as trapped as you think you are. It’s an illusion. Your boss is not your source. God is. You are.

4. Stop expecting them to change.

Let go of the illusion that they will change. No matter how nice you are or how hard you work, a narcissistic boss will alway demand more. It isn’t your responsibility to help them see the error of their ways. Your responsibility is to survive.

When I worked in the advertising industry, I had to get HR involved. I was being targeted by an abusive boss. They were hauled over the coals and had to do mandatory training on how to manage a team.

For a while, things seemed to settle down. But once their training was over, the abuse escalated and became more covert. I chose to leave and found a new job. I realized the situation would never change.

5. Learn to stop caring so much.

Stop over-functioning and over-performing. A toxic boss does not deserve your best efforts. Save your energy and focus on your exit strategy. Give your overtime to your new employer who will value and appreciate the work you put in. See your current job as a stepping stone. Thank it for its lessons and ability to keep your bills covered. Keep moving forward — don’t get stuck there!

6. Narcissist bosses set you up for a failure.

They enjoy seeing you struggle and want you to feel incompetent. If you are being micromanaged, take care not to miss any of your deadlines. Do your work to the best of your ability. Keep your boss informed on how your projects are going. This is a good way for you to manage their micromanagement.

The hard truth is that your narcissistic boss does not care about your well-being at work. They don’t care about the negative impact their behavior has on you, the team or the company. They have no empathy. They only care about what makes them look good.

7. Narcissists are pathological liars.

They will bend the truth to serve their narrative without batting an eyelid. Don’t sink to their level, especially if your narcissistic boss is passive aggressive. It can be tempting to confront them. But you are not dealing with a mature adult! Trying to reason with them will not work. They know exactly what they are doing and they are doing it on purpose.

Studies have shown that things become worse for those who try to out a toxic boss. Rather focus on yourself, your mental health and your exit strategy. Keep your responses short and factual. Practice the grey rock technique and never react to their negativity. Rise above their provocations. Narcissists hate it when they can’t trigger you into a reaction. When they see they can’t get to you, they will move onto someone else.

8. Your colleagues are not your friends.

This is a hard one to swallow. In a work environment, these are situational relationships. NEVER complain to your coworkers about your boss. It’s natural to want to reach out for support, but nine times out of ten your complaints will get back to your boss. People talk and people gossip and at the end of the day, your coworkers will choose their paycheck over you. It’s a matter of survival. If you want to talk to someone, make sure it’s someone outside of work.

9. Narcissists have zero empathy and will overwork and underpay you.

If you are not one of your boss’s chosen few, you will be exploited. You may find yourself working overtime with no extra pay. You may be expected to run personal errands for your boss. Or, use your own resources, such as your vehicle, gas and airtime, without proper compensation.

10. Don’t expect praise for a job well done.

Narcissists do not like attention or admiration flowing anywhere except in their direction. They will only praise you if it makes them look good. Working harder to get their approval is a waste of time and energy. They will ignore your efforts and take secret pleasure in your pain.

Watch out if your performance threatens your narcissistic boss in any way. They will knock you down so that they can stay in the spotlight. To add insult to injury, they will steal all the credit for your hard work.

11. F.L.A.P.

Unfortunately, in the eyes of top management, your boss is always right. You are the one that will have to leave. Keep it professional — even if they are not being professional towards you. While you are looking for a new job, do your work and keep your side of the fence tidy. FLAP — Finish Like A Pro.

My Boss is a Narcissist, Now What?

If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, the best advice I can give you is GET OUT. Put an exit strategy in place (stuck record, I know) and keep your cool as you look for a new job. Put healthy boundaries in place and know that you deserve better.

Narcissistic bosses control you by making you scared of them. They use your fear against you. The more fear you have, the more powerful they feel. It’s important to release this fear. Fear causes anxiety which floods your body with cortisol and stress hormones. This puts a huge strain on your health. It’s not worth killing yourself over a job.

A narcissistic boss sets you back in your career. A toxic work environment filters into every area of your life. Like a cancer, it slowly kills you from the inside out. It can take years to recover from a toxic work environment. A toxic boss or manager can wear you down to the point where your health suffers.

The longer you stay, the more you are damaged by the toxicity. A narcissistic boss will chip away at your self-esteem. The constant stress and anxiety will eventually lead to depression. Life will begin to feel more and more unbearable.

Radically accept that this is who they are.

This is their character and personality. It will never change. There’s no point trying to give constructive feedback. Even HR can’t really help you. Your narcissistic boss will remain toxic.

Remember, you always have three choices in life:

1. Accept the situation

2. Change the situation

3. Leave the situation.

Once you realize you need to let go and move on, focus on taking care of yourself. Lean on your friends and family. Get excited about the new future you are creating for yourself. Never look back.

I hope you found this article helpful. If you suspect you have been narcissistically abused, I offer trauma-informed coaching sessions. Check out my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program or contact me to see if we are a fit. For deep soul-level healing, book and Akashic Records Reading. I offer a psycho-spiritual approach to healing. I believe mixing the logic of science with the alchemy of spirituality is the key to success! Download my free white Light Healing Meditation here.

References and Further Reading

When the Body says No, the Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté

Fuel by H.G. Tudor

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter A. Levine

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home. At Work. With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi

Energy Vampires by Dr. C Northrup

Learn to deal with a passive-aggressive boss like a pro

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By Allaya Cooks-Campbell

No matter what you do, you won’t always please your boss. Miscommunication, mistakes, and bad days are simply a part of the workplace experience.

But if your manager constantly seems upset without voicing their concerns, you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive boss. It can be hard to know for sure since they likely won’t approach criticism or feedback straightforwardly. Learning to recognize the tell-tale signs will help you combat this leadership fault.

What’s passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive aggression is behavior that indirectly expresses negative feelings like fear, anger, and frustration instead of openly communicating them.

For managers, passive-aggressive characteristics can look like the following:

  • Micromanaging workloads
  • Using backhanded compliments or sarcasm and then gaslighting those who react negatively
  • Not providing support to struggling employees
  • Deliberately ignoring and freezing out team members
  • Denying the resources or authority needed to complete a task
  • Issuing confusing instructions or changing requirements without notification
  • Negatively criticizing direct reports in public and never offering appreciation
  • Failing to take responsibility for mistakes, instead blaming others
  • Creating an environment of unhealthy competition that makes teamwork challenging

Passive-aggressive bosses often feel the need to please others to avoid conflict. But this means when they’re frustrated with an employee’s performance or their own workload, for example, they take it out in other ways, like confusing feedback or removing tasks without explaining why.

A manager’s leadership style affects the entire workplace. If your boss shows passive-aggressive tendencies, their attitude, and reluctance to effectively communicate can negatively impact employee morale, leading to feelings of insecurity, doubt, and resentment — all symptoms of a toxic work environment.

 

What causes passive-aggressive behavior?

It’s not your place to diagnose or resolve your boss’ issues. But sometimes being empathetic to the source of someone’s behavior can let you respond appropriately to their conduct and preserve your peace of mind. Here are a few common causes of passive aggression:

  • Childhood factors: Your manager may have grown up in a family that taught them to suppress negative emotions. Instead of learning a healthy communication style, they use sarcasm to vent feelings like anger, frustration, and fear. This could also lead them to dodge people and situations that generate these sentiments altogether.
  • Workplace factors: A work environment that frowns on expressing emotion could result in someone with poor communication skills resorting to passive-aggressiveness to voice their displeasure. And feeling burned out or stressed can also cause this behavior.
  • Insecurities: If your boss feels unsure of their position or abilities, they could attempt to transfer their shortcomings and frustrations onto employees.

None of these causes have anything to do with you personally or how you perform professionally. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of your boss’s shortcomings. Instead, you can learn how to shield yourself without guilt.

6 strategies for managing a passive-aggressive boss

While you’re not responsible for helping your boss, you can learn to deal with their behavior so you enjoy a more peaceful and positive work environment. Here are six strategies for dealing with someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies.

1. Identify their go-to behaviors

Knowing how your boss reacts to certain situations can help you prepare. Keep your eyes open for triggers and outcomes. For example, if your manager is hyper-controlling, issues vague instructions, or unnecessarily criticizes your team when dealing with a last-minute project, you can mitigate or avoid situations that cause this behavior.

Concerned-woman-with-collegues-at-a-meeting-passive-aggressive-boss

2. Take the high road

If your boss is rude or cryptic, remember that this behavior stems from something outside of you, like their upbringing or stress, and take the high road by remaining calm and positive. While this means you’ll have a better day, there’s also a chance your serenity and positivity might rub off on them.

3. Over-communicate as necessary

If you have questions, ask them face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. An in-person meeting or video call will let you ask follow-up questions and clarify expectations immediately without waiting for an email response. And when providing feedback to your manager, keep it constructive and impersonal to avoid feeding any of their insecurities.

4. Put everything in writing

Any time you have a meeting with your boss, take notes. Afterward, ask them to confirm you’ve understood instructions, expectations, and deadlines correctly. That way, you have proof if they go back on what they said to make you look incompetent or inferior.

Also request any clarification or notification of changes to a project’s scope or deliverables in writing, explaining that alignment is important and you want to ensure accuracy before moving forward.

5. Create a paper trail

Keep a record of your communications by printing out emails and DMs, saving them to a removable hard drive, or forwarding them to your personal email, so that you have proof if you ever need to take this issue to your human resources department.

6. Share your concerns

If you think they might respond well, request a one-on-one to discuss how their behavior impacts your working relationship and mental health. Be as helpful and constructive as possible, noting positive leadership habits and providing a possible solution to the problem.

Woman-talking-with-collegue-at-work-passive-aggressive-boss

Common passive-aggressive comments

Interactions with a passive-aggressive manager can leave you scratching your head. They often use wordplay that makes you question whether you’ve just been insulted, and asking them for clarity doesn’t usually help — they will likely claim you misunderstood or are being too sensitive.

This confusing behavior usually takes one of three forms: backhanded compliments, two-faced commentary, or dodging the question. Familiarizing yourself with some examples of passive-aggressive comments is a great first step to developing effective tactics to manage your interactions successfully.

Backhanded compliments

A tell-tale sign of a passive-aggressive personality is using so-called “compliments” to disguise hostility behind false praise. These are particularly insidious because, to a casual viewer, there’s nothing outwardly objectionable. Here are a few examples:

  • “New shoes and a new bag. Nice to see that promotion is paying off.”
  • “Check out how clean the copy is. Who knew an intern could produce such great work.”
  • “Congratulations on being the sales leader this month — you’re finally pulling your weight.”
  • “It must be lovely working for your best friend’s mom.”

Two-faced comments

Another typical passive-aggressive tactic is public sabotage. When you solicit a review of your work, your manager might claim everything is fine and agreeable. But in front of others, it’s a different story as your boss takes you by surprise, identifying multiple issues.

Stressed-woman-being-scolded-by-manager-passive-aggressive-boss

These errors are often due to a lack of feedback or denial of the information or resources you need to complete the task correctly. Here are a couple of examples:

  • “Our latest social media marketing campaign underperformed because someone spent more time ordering coffee than focusing on promotion.”
  • “I don’t understand the errors in this report. I told Justin to fix them, but I guess he didn’t think it was important.”

Dodging questions

Some passive-aggressive bosses specialize in silent treatment. This tactic serves two purposes: it lets them avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation while keeping you unbalanced. Here are a couple of examples:

  • “You’ll have to ask someone else about that.”
  • “I don’t see how that question is relevant so I’m going to move on.”

Additional tips for managing passive-aggressive leadership

Working with a passive-aggressive manager requires finding a way to engage productively while maintaining a respectful distance to avoid negativity. It’s a juggling act, but these tips for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior will make it easier:

  • Address it: Being professional doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. If you feel compelled, question your manager’s comments and behavior. You might ask, “Is there a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder?” or “I don’t understand your joke. Could you please clarify what you meant?”
  • Limit interactions: Evaluate where and when you need direct contact with your boss and try to only interact with them during these times.
  • Put your active listening skills to work: If you want your boss to be receptive to feedback, making eye contact, smiling, and using welcoming body language — all key elements of active listening — might put them at ease.Man-listening-actively-to-coworker-passive-aggressive-boss
  • Report abuse: If you feel your manager’s bullying you, report this behavior to a human resources professional, bringing any documentation you have on the subject.

Remember: it’s not about you

Working with a passive-aggressive boss is like walking a never-ending tightrope. You’re in a constant state of vigilance and it’s exhausting. But remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.

That said, you also can’t force them to change. What you can do is control how you react to the situation. If you think you can put space between yourself and their actions, you should be able to retain your well-being.

But you deserve to feel valued, safe, and comfortable at work, and if that’s not possible here, consider looking elsewhere.

10 Phrases That Will Help You Handle a Micromanaging Boss

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Written by:

Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world.

 

If your boss is a micromanager—the kind who wants to maintain as much control over you as they can—you know how frustrating and irritating it is. It’s possible, though, to take back some control—and these phrases can help you make that happen. Use them to start an effective dialogue that can result in more autonomy and less micromanagement:

I’m going to do everything in my power to make you look good. If you tell your boss you want to make them look good, there is no reason for them to hound you. Accustomed to resistance, most micromanagers will be glad to hear something positive.

Your success is important to me. Feed the ego of your micromanager and let them know their success matters to you. Their controlling tendencies are likely to ease if they believe your mind is on them—as they want it to be.

Tell me how you like the work to be done. You may be able to circumvent a hovering micromanager by getting all the information up front. It will help you do the job you are supposed to do while also meeting their expectations.

I will do an excellent job for you. When you reassure a micromanager about the quality of your work and show them that excellence is important to you, you may be able to put their perfectionist mind at peace.

I know you want to help me succeed. Disarming a micromanager is important, and labeling their negative action into something positive may have them agreeing with you. Thank them and let them know you appreciate their investment. The recognition will make them feel good about themselves and it may help them give you some peace.

I value your guidance. This is another way of disarming the micromanager with a positive twist. If you acknowledge their counsel, you may be able to persuade them that you will come to them when you need them.

You sometimes know things about the situation that I don’t. This phrase feeds the micromanager’s ego and lets them know that you acknowledge their higher position and that you’ll check in when you need to know more.

All the hovering, adjustments and changes are affecting my productivity. If nothing else is getting through, tell the truth and be straightforward. Leaders are measured by how much their team achieves. They know that productivity issues reflect poorly on them.

I am going to show you how I do it on my own. Give the micromanager a rest by walking them through your own processes, showing them your competence and care.

I am always open to your feedback. Holding yourself open for your micromanager to teach, guide, and mentor can help keep your work relationship on the plane where it belongs.

A leader who’s constantly looking over their employees’ shoulders can inspire a lot of second-guessing and paranoia, and ultimately ends up running away their most talented people. To stop the micromanager—or at least get them out of your hair—try each of these approaches in turn until the situation is under control.

Lead From Within: Most people don’t take well to being micromanaged because it leads to a loss of control and autonomy. But there are steps you can take before you decide to leave.

 

 

10 Signs That You Are the Toxic Person in Your Workplace (and What to Do About It)

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Written By Beverly Beuermann-King

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Mental Health Strategies.
For over 20 years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with teams who want to control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges and live full and flourishing lives. Beverly works with teams and leaders to shift from stressed out to resilient, enabling them to be more engaged, productive and healthy.

Toxic Person

As a leader in the workplace, it is essential to cultivate a positive and productive environment for your team. However, sometimes leaders may unknowingly exhibit toxic behaviours that negatively impact the work culture and employee morale. Recent studies shed light on the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace. In this article, we will explore these signs and provide actionable steps for leaders to address and rectify their behaviour.

Constant Criticism and Negativity

Are you frequently criticizing and finding faults in your team members? A toxic leader tends to focus on the negative aspects rather than acknowledging their employees’ efforts. This behaviour can demoralize the team and hinder their motivation to excel.

What to do: Practice constructive feedback by highlighting areas for improvement while also acknowledging their achievements. Adopt a positive approach to motivate your team and create a supportive work atmosphere.

 

Micromanagement and Lack of Trust

Do you struggle to delegate tasks and find yourself micromanaging your team? A lack of trust in your team members can be a sign of toxic leadership. Micromanagement stifles creativity and hampers employee autonomy.

What to do: Empower your team by delegating tasks and trusting them to deliver results. Offer guidance and support when needed, but allow your employees the space to showcase their skills and expertise.

 

Favouritism and Unfair Treatment

Playing favourites among your team members is a clear indication of toxic behaviour. Showing preferential treatment can lead to resentment and division among your employees.

What to do: Treat all team members fairly and equally. Recognize and reward achievements based on merit, and foster a culture of inclusivity and collaboration.

 

Lack of Accountability

As a leader, taking responsibility for your actions and decisions is crucial. Avoiding accountability and blaming others for failures can create a toxic work environment.

What to do: Acknowledge your mistakes and be transparent with your team. Encourage open communication and show a willingness to learn from your errors.

 

Ineffective Communication

Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and frustration among team members. A toxic leader may fail to listen actively or they may dismiss others’ viewpoints. According to a survey by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), 58% of employees stated that their managers could improve their communication skills, which is crucial in avoiding toxic behaviour.

What to do: Improve your communication skills by actively listening to your team and fostering open dialogue. Be approachable and encourage feedback from your employees.

 

Undermining Team Members

Are you dismissive of your team’s ideas or contributions? A toxic leader may undermine their team members’ efforts, leading to a lack of confidence and enthusiasm.

What to do: Encourage creativity and innovation within your team. Show appreciation for their ideas and encourage them to take initiative.

 

Neglecting Employee Well-Being

A toxic leader may prioritize results over employee well-being, leading to burnout and decreased job satisfaction.

What to do: Prioritize work-life balance and support your team’s mental and physical well-being. Show empathy and offer resources to help them manage stress.

 

Lack of Empathy

The inability to understand or empathize with your team’s challenges can create a toxic work environment. A lack of empathy can lead to feelings of isolation and disengagement among your employees. A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology revealed that employees who perceived their leaders as less empathetic were more likely to experience feelings of burnout and disengagement.

What to do: Practice empathy by putting yourself in your team’s shoes. Show genuine concern for their well-being and be supportive during challenging times.

 

Resistance to Change and New Ideas

A toxic leader may be resistant to change and new approaches, stifling innovation and growth within the organization.

What to do: Embrace change as an opportunity for growth and encourage your team to explore new ideas. Foster a culture of continuous improvement and learning.

 

Lack of Recognition and Appreciation

Neglecting to recognize and appreciate your team’s hard work can lead to feelings of undervaluation and disengagement. A Harvard Business Review survey reported that 60% of employees stated that they would be more motivated if they received more recognition and appreciation from their managers. Recognizing and appreciating employees’ efforts can significantly impact their engagement and productivity.

What to do: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate your team’s contributions. Celebrate achievements and milestones to boost team morale.

 

Being aware of the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace is the first step towards creating a positive work environment. By taking responsibility for your behaviour and implementing the suggested actions, you can transform your leadership style and foster a thriving and supportive workplace culture. Remember, as a leader, your actions set the tone for the entire organization, so strive to be the best version of yourself and inspire your team to reach new heights.

Contact Beverly about hosting a workshop for your teams on how to deal with difficult people at work. Learn strategies to create a more positive attitude in the workplace and encourage an engaging, safe working environment!

 

If you have some strategies to share – comment on this posting!

 

Additional Resources:

https://worksmartlivesmart.com/mental-health-infographics/

https://worksmartlivesmart.com/wellness-newsletter-archives/ 

How Not to Deal with Conflict

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Almost no one enjoys conflict. But it’s something we all need to deal with from time to time, in order to maintain healthy relationships. Further, we need to deal with conflict the right way so that we minimize it, and don’t exacerbate it.

I’m amazed at how often people do the wrong thing regarding conflict; doing the wrong thing, even unintentionally, will usually make your conflict much worse instead of better.

Here are four things that can cause conflict to escalate:

  1. Ignoring the issues of others. Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Ignoring a situation does not make conflict go away. Saying to the other person that something isn’t important enough to get upset about only makes the conflict worse.

Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Follow these tips.

Let’s assume that your co-worker has mentioned to you that she has a sensitivity to perfume, adding that she would prefer you not wear it at work. You like your perfume, and don’t believe she has a sensitivity, so you choose to reject or ignore her request. Your response to her request is something along the lines of, “Of all the things to worry about? This isn’t one of them.”

This strategy will not make the tension or conflict that exists between you go away. It doesn’t matter if your colleague has a sensitivity to perfume or not—she has told you that she does, and has asked you not to wear it. Your intentional rejection of her request will create tension that will escalate every day that you “forget about” or rebel from her request. By ignoring the situation, you will make it worse, not better.

  1. Being defensive or making excuses. Recently, actress Roseanne Barr sent some racist tweets. As a direct result, her successful television was cancelled. Several hours after it happened, Barr returned to Twitter, claiming she had taken an Ambien, and therefore wasn’t responsible for her behavior. When something you’ve done causes conflict, making excuses for your behavior will not make it better. It will actually make it worse. For instance, Barr’s excuse likely won’t make one iota of difference in the eyes of the person she attacked with her racist tweets, or to any of the hundreds of people who lost their jobs due to Barr’s actions.

Own your behavior. Apologize if necessary. Fix it if you can. But in making excuses for your behavior, you will escalate the conflict.

When you make excuses for your behavior, you escalate conflict.

  1. Being emotional about the situation. No one enjoys conflict. Emotional reactions to it are natural and normal. But losing control, or expressing your frustration verbally, is not good. You need to demonstrate professionalism, control, and restraint because when you lose your cool you encourage the other person to as well. Anger is contagious. Angry behavior will cause the other person to lose their cool as well. As you can imagine, this is not the way to deal with conflict. You may have a conflict with a co-worker, but yelling at them, belittling, bullying, or behaving aggressively will not make the situation better. Speaking more loudly will not make them listen to you. Yelling is not the answer.
  1. Not holding back your “inside voice” will turn your conflict sour. When we are dealing with conflict we usually have two conversations happening at the same time. The out-loud conversation is the one you have with the other person, but there is also a passive-aggressive conversation you have in your head. Keep the two conversations separate.

Mumbling under your breath is likely to be heard. It isn’t the correct way to minimize conflict because it will add fuel to the fire that already exists. Just because you’re thinking something doesn’t mean you should verbalize it.

Let’s say you’re enjoying a team pot-luck lunch with everyone at work. You have your group of work friends but you have a bit of tension with Mike on the team. You don’t really like him; you two don’t really get along, and he doesn’t really like or get along with you, either. During your team lunch, a conversation about gossip starts up and Mike announces that he thinks that is a horrible thing to do to your coworkers—why would anyone spread gossip around the office? You are shocked because you think Mike is the worst gossip in the office. You mumble a sarcastic comment under your breath that may or may not have been heard by Mike. But you can be sure that someone heard it, potentially making a comment or giggling, and Mike is convinced you said something about him (which you did!). That action by you will cause the tension in your relationship to escalate. Ignoring Mike’s original comment, or not voicing yours won’t relieve the tension you already have with Mike, but it will most certainly avoid escalating it.

The laughter you get from others is not worth the escalation of tension in your already fractured relationship. Learn to keep unproductive thoughts to yourself.

Avoiding these four faux pas isn’t easy, but it is important. Conflict isn’t fun. Making it even worse is not a good idea—however, it is avoidable.

Article By Rhonda Scharf,

When to Confront, Avoid, or Postpone Confrontations Part Three: Having the Confrontation in the Moment

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In our three-part series on when to avoid, postpone, or confront, we are left with when we should have the confrontation!

We know that sometimes avoiding the confrontation is the right choice, and sometimes postponing the conversation is the smartest thing to do, but when do we choose the third option and have the conversation right here and right now?

Check out my previous articles here: https://on-the-right-track.com/blog/ to see when to avoid and when to postpone.

When we avoid or postpone, it isn’t the time to have the confrontation. And having the confrontation after postponing it gives you time to prepare. Are there times when you shouldn’t take the time to prepare and jump in headfirst?

 

Yes.

 

  1. Look at the consequences of postponing. While postponing is the correct answer in many situations, what are the consequences of not having the confrontation on the spot? Sometimes, postponing the confrontation is giving the other permission to do or say what they are doing. If the consequences for postponing don’t make sense, have the confrontation on the spot.

Years ago, a participant in one of my workshops shared her experience. Her manager was very anti-cell phone at work and vocal about it. Jenny felt her manager was overpowering and didn’t want to hear any excuse or justification for needing her cell phone handy. She wouldn’t win the discussion, so she never bothered to have it.

Including the time that her mother had suffered a heart attack and was in the hospital. She hadn’t mentioned anything to her manager about it (they didn’t have that type of relationship), but she did have her cell phone on and on her desk as they were waiting for updates from the hospital.

It rang. It was not loud but rang while the manager walked by her cubicle. He lost his temper, picked up her cell phone, and stomped on it, destroying it!

I am not making this up. Yes, his behavior was beyond inexcusable. In a situation like this, Jenny had no choice but to say something at that moment. She was emotional and unprepared, but this was not a time to postpone. Some of the conversation could have been postponed, but the initial confrontation could not.

She did say something. She told him he needed to buy her a new cell phone as he had no right to destroy hers. She didn’t tell him about her mother nor justify why her phone was on at work, but she did identify that his actions were not okay with her and said what she needed to say.

You can be sure that this situation would require a follow-up conversation/confrontation, but at the moment, she had to say something to indicate this was unacceptable. The consequences of saying nothing at the moment were too high. They implied his actions were correct and she was in the wrong.

 

  1. The timing is in your favor. Sometimes, the timing makes sense to have the confrontation without giving yourself time to prepare.

Imagine you walk into a group of colleagues without them seeing you approach. They are talking about you, and you can hear them! You shouldn’t ignore it or postpone the confrontation in such a situation. The timing demands you say and do something on the spot. It doesn’t have to be much, but you do need to identify what you interrupted.

You may choose to have individual follow-up conversations with each colleague later, but at the moment, you must address what you just heard. The timing is forcing your hand.

 

  1. Safety or Compliance. Some things need to be done a certain way, even if others don’t agree with it.

You can imagine that if someone is doing something unsafe or not compliant at work, you can’t bring it up later, nor can you avoid it. You may need a conversation/confrontation to get them to do things correctly.

It’s important to say that just because you don’t like something a certain way doesn’t mean you should confront it, but if it is the rules at work, you should say something.

I was in a ride-share recently, where texting and driving was illegal. The driver proceeded to start to text while we were driving. This was an example of a time when I needed to be confrontational. I nicely told him that I was uncomfortable when he texted while driving. In his defense, he apologized and stopped.

If I had ignored it, I would have been angry with myself for not speaking up. If I had waited until the end of the ride or put it in his comments, I would still be angry with myself. The timing was right, and it was a safety and compliance issue.

We all want to have confrontations when we are prepared, in control of our emotions, and away from the public eye. That isn’t always possible.

How to Deal with Difficult Co-Workers: 14 Effective Strategies

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Co-authored by Meredith Walters, MBA and Glenn Carreau

Having good working relationships with your coworkers is important since you spend so much time there. Unfortunately, some coworkers can be rude, unprofessional, or just plain toxic. It’s easy to get stressed and struggle with productivity when you’re juggling a bad work relationship, but thankfully, there are ways to improve the situation. Read on for a list of ways to help you effectively deal with a difficult coworker—making your job much more enjoyable in the process!

Things You Should Know

  • Stay away from your difficult coworker as much as you can. Identify your triggers so you can leave if they start acting out.
  • Get to know your coworker so you can understand why they act the way they do and empathize with their perspective.
  • Talk to them in private if you need their behavior to change. Be respectful and use “I” language to communicate your feelings and needs to them.
  • Stay positive in the workplace, avoid gossip, and treat everyone with respect. If there’s no other option, escalate the issue to a supervisor.

1. Limit your time with them.

  1.  Stay away from difficult coworkers if you don’t have to work with them directly. By limiting your interactions, you’ll also reduce the amount of frustration you feel when dealing with them. When you do need to speak with them, keep the discussion brief but pleasant. Be professional instead of giving the person the cold shoulder.[1]

    • It’s important to be polite on the few occasions you speak to your coworker to maintain a positive and drama-free work environment.
2. Learn to let it go.
 Depending on the situation, it’s healthiest to let go of your anger when a colleague acts out. Their bad behavior isn’t your fault—and so long as it doesn’t interfere with your work, it’s not your problem, either. Letting difficult behavior slide right off your shoulders is often the easiest way to deal with it.[2]
  • Consider the possibility that your coworker didn’t intend to upset you. They may not even realize they’ve done something you don’t like.
  • You’re more than justified in confronting a coworker’s difficult behavior when they’re interfering with you and your work performance, but more often than not, it’s not personal.

3. Maintain a cheerful attitude.

 Does your coworker seem to complain constantly? If you’re faced with a lot of negativity at work, build a positive attitude in response. Your coworker will get the hint when if you subtly change the topic or offer a contrasting positive point of view. Without someone to fuel their negativity, they’ll get bored and move on.[3]

  • If they don’t get the hint, let them know how you feel about their negativity. Everyone has different ways of venting frustration, and they may not have any idea how their attitude affects you.
  • Try not to complain unnecessarily yourself, either. It’s hard to get along with a whiny colleague, and sinking to your coworker’s level won’t make them stop.

4. Treat everyone with respect.

 If you’re dealing with jealous or overly competitive coworkers, getting them to work with you can be as simple as acknowledging the role they play on your team. Show respect to all of your coworkers, praise the whole team’s achievements and show them that you value their input. You can be a role model of good workplace behavior![4]

5. Ask for your coworker’s advice.

 Does your coworker act like they know everything and refuse to listen to your opinions? Instead of arguing, try acknowledging their ideas and asking them to explain further. When difficult coworkers feel like their ideas are seen and valued, they might be more open to your ideas and listen to you in turn.[5]

  • Hotshot coworkers can be frustrating, but asking for their advice will show them that you’re willing to work with them and have a positive professional relationship.

6. Identify the behaviors that upset you.

It’s easier to get out of stressful situations when you know your triggers. What about your coworker do you find difficult? Reflect on your interactions with them to figure out exactly what rubbed you the wrong way. Then, when you see them start to act that way in the future, excuse yourself before they get under your skin. This way, you’ll be calmer and less stressed at work overall.[6]
Try developing a few other coping mechanisms to help you deal with negative interactions, too.
For example, you might practice deep breathing or meditation, or step away and take a walk or exercise when you feel upset.[7]

7. Get to know your coworker.

 As you learn about your coworker, you’ll also gain insight into why they behave the way they do. They might be overworked, going through a rough time, or dealing with an unreasonable customer.[8] You deserve to be treated respectfully regardless, but your relationship may improve when you can empathize with their situation.

  • You might even realize that your coworker has insecurities about their own job performance or feels jealous of your success.
EXPERT TIP
Meredith Walters, MBA
MEREDITH WALTERS, MBA
Certified Career Coach

Our Expert Agrees: View your coworkers with compassion. Keep in mind that whatever the other person is responding to about you, it’s not necessarily because you’re doing wrong. In most cases, it’s more about them. Try having a conversation with them where you try to get an idea of what they’re reacting to and why. Often, if you can do that without becoming defensive, you can navigate the situation and work together.

8. Reflect on your behavior.

 Are you upset because of things that this specific person has done, or are you holding a grudge because they remind you of someone else you don’t like?[9] It’s easy to get annoyed if someone brings up bad memories, but understanding your own feelings can help you let go of unnecessary anger.

  • Don’t expect your coworker to work the same way you do, either. Consider what you expect them to do before assuming they’re being difficult. You might find that your demands have been a little unrealistic.

9. Address the issue respectfully.

 If you’re having a problem with a coworker who you really do need to work with, try talking to them privately about the issue. Communicate what the problem is, listen to their explanation and side of the story, and let them offer solutions for resolving the problem in addition to making suggestions of your own.[10]

  • Reference the specific issue at hand instead of making it about your coworker as a person.
  • For example, instead of saying, “Get your act together, or we’re going to miss our deadline,” say, “I’d like to talk to you about what we can do to get that project you’re working on finished sooner.”
  • Getting an explanation might even reveal that your coworker has personal issues you don’t know about. You might find that you understand them better after talking.

10. Share your perspective with them politely.

 If your coworker’s behavior is adversely affecting you, share your thoughts using “I” language to help them understand your position. Statements beginning with “you” sound more accusatory and might actually escalate the problem, whereas “I” statements keep things focused on your feelings rather than your coworker.[11]

  • For example, you might say, “I find it hard to focus when there’s a lot of background noise,” instead of, “You’re being irritating, and you need to quiet down.”
  • Similarly, say, “I work best when I know about a presentation two days in advance. Can you try to let me know in the future?” instead of, “You never give me enough time to prepare for presentations.”
  • Don’t take offense if your coworker offers you some constructive criticism in return. Do your best to learn from it, assuming it’s reasonable.

11. Remain neutral at work.

Steer clear of office gossip to create a positive work environment. It may be tempting to spread gossip about the coworker you don’t like, but it’s always best not to get involved. If another coworker is spreading gossip, just walk away or tell them that you’re not interested in hearing about it. You could also simply bring up a new topic and redirect the conversation to something not so negative.[12]

  • When speaking to a known gossip, avoid discussing anything not directly related to work.
  • You can always use professionalism as an excuse to avoid being rude! You could say, “I’m sorry, but I generally try not to talk about non-work issues while in the office.”

12. Focus on the positive aspects of your job.

 When you have to deal with a difficult coworker day in and day out, it’s easy to feel burned out from stress. To combat this, remember all the reasons you enjoy your job! Spend time building friendships with other coworkers; the more you have to look forward to, the easier dealing with your problem coworker will be.[13]

13. Accept your differences.

 It’s great to be friendly with your coworkers, and you should always try to be nice to everyone at work, but that doesn’t mean that every coworker will be your best friend. If your coworker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you just don’t vibe with their personality, simply accept that and don’t let your differences bother you.[14]

  • Look for ways to tolerate one another enough to work together effectively. You don’t need to be best friends to do good work together!

14. Talk to a supervisor.

 In some cases, the best thing to do is tell a superior (such as a manager or your company’s HR department) about your coworker’s behavior. That way, they can deal with the employee according to company policy. Before reporting them, take a moment to consider whether the situation is worth reporting to avoid unnecessary conflict.[15]

  • Document your grievances, so you have evidence if you escalate the issue to a supervisor. If possible, keep a log of their behavior, along with hard evidence like emails and messages.
  • Besides breaking company rules, if the coworker’s behavior is actively impacting your performance or making you feel unsafe, it may be worth reporting them.
  • The appropriateness of this option will depend upon the unique situation and your office culture. Use your best judgment!

12 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Co-Worker

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Written By:

Jamie Birt

Jamie Birt is a career coach with 6+ years of experience helping job seekers navigate the job search through one-to-one coaching, webinars and events. Currently based in Austin, she started her career working for Big Brothers and Big Sisters Chicago, creating match relationships and supporting 100+ children for over 3 years.

 

Almost everyone has to work with a challenging co-worker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and co-workers you enjoy.

In this article, we discuss the importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker and list 12 ways you can deal with a difficult co-worker.

The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker

Knowing how to deal with a difficult co-worker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.

How to deal with a difficult co-worker

Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult co-worker:

1. Learn to voice your thoughts.

If your co-worker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:

  • “I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”

  • “I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”

  • “I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”

Related: Handling Workplace Conflict (With Interview Questions)

2. Get to know their perspective.

Sometimes getting to know your challenging co-worker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of view. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.

 

3. Focus on your positive relationships.

Rather than dwelling on this co-worker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other co-workers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite co-workers to do something fun outside of work.

Related: 8 Ways To Build Workplace Relationships

4. Talk to your supervisor.

When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this co-worker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.

Related: 13 Key Functions of a Human Resources Department

5. Accept their personality.

You may find that this co-worker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.

Related: 10 Workplace Personalities (And How To Work With Each)

6. Stay neutral at work.

If other co-workers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.

Related: 10 Tips for How To Get Along With Coworkers

7. Limit your interactions.

Limiting the amount of time you spend with this co-worker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by co-workers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle to be mindful of their feelings.

Related: How To Communicate Effectively With a Difficult Team

8. Be a better person.

Even if this person acts unprofessionally, you must have the skills to be a better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.

9. Know your trigger points.

Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus on directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.

Related: How To Deal With Coworkers in 10 Steps

10. Focus on the positive.

Though it may be easy to focus on this co-worker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other co-workers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.

11. Reflect on your own actions.

While thinking about this co-worker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.

Related: Interview Question: “How Would Your Co-Workers Describe You?” (With Examples)

12. Show compassion.

Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your co-worker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.

How to Deal with Difficult People: 5 Steps to Keep You Sane

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BY LIZZ SCHUMER

The coworker who always has to one-up everyone else. That friend who’s consistently 30 or more minutes late to every happy hour. Those relatives who never have anything positive to say about anyone (including each other). We all have difficult personalities to deal with, but how you handle them can make or break those relationships.

We asked experts to share the best way to approach these challenging types, and two overarching themes rose to the top: Intention and compassion. Spending a little time planning out what you want to say, goes a long way to setting both of you up for success. And especially if your last nerve has been stretched thinner than a New York-style pizza, it’s important to realize that the person who’s getting on it deserves respect too. “You can have compassion for somebody and expect them to do better. Those things are not mutually exclusive,” explains Julie Fogh, co-founder of speech and communications company Vital Voice Training.

Here are tried-and-true techniques for dealing with difficult people straight from the experts, without making those interactions even more difficult than they need to be.

First, devise a game plan.

Before you talk to someone who really grinds your gears, identify your reasons for speaking out. Do you just want to get your frustration off your chest, or do you hope the other person will change something about their behavior? “Setting intentions can really change whether the communication will land or not,” Fogh explains.

The way you engage in the conversation can make a difference in how it goes, too. “You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, M.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.

People who irritate us often have something to show us about ourselves, according to Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. Maybe your chronically late friend makes you realize how often you’re running a little behind, or you secretly wish you could be as laid-back as the coworker who never carries her weight. Taking a good, hard look at your own behavior and what motivates your frustration can take away some of its power, and even keep you from flying off the handle when you do have the discussion.

“If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control.

Keep it all in perspective.

“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.” Remember: Chances are, you’re someone else’s “difficult person.”

To keep your cool, relationship and life coach Chuck Rockey suggests remembering that behind every complaint, there’s a desire. Sometimes, asking that person who won’t stop bellyaching what they really want can give you some valuable insight.

When dealing with a difficult personality, try to really focus on the person and let them know they’re seen and heard, adds Vital Voice Training co-founder Casey Erin Clark. “It’s an incredibly disarming thing, especially if you’re feeling upset. Not managing their emotions, but just saying I can see you,” she says. It’s easy to get so focused on what you want to tell someone, that you stop listening to what they bring to the table. Instead, actively focus on the person in front of you.

Choose your approach.

Armed with your insights, you need to decide how to confront the person. Rockey emphasizes the importance of treating the other person with respect and keeping yourself from getting defensive. That will just escalate the conversation, and yelling never solves anything. While there’s often no good time for this kind of chat, try to pick a time when neither of you are engaged in a stressful project. And never confront your annoying coworker in front of others unless you need a mediator for your own safety.

“It’s important to realize that it’s your perception that the person isn’t listening or communicating well. The other person may not view the situation the same way,” explains executive coach, social worker, and human behavior professor Melody J. Wilding, LMSW. “Make sure that you’re carrying yourself in a way that commands respect. I find that many people unknowingly undermine themselves when they speak by over-apologizing and using qualifiers.”

Women, in particular, tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations and talk around the issue instead of facing it head-on. Fogh and Clark point out that we often go out of our way to avoid making someone else uncomfortable. But one awkward conversation can prevent lots of consternation down the road. It can help to focus on the issue, not the person’s character. That centers the conversation on a problem you can work together to solve, instead of coming off as an attack.

Know when to call it.

Part of figuring out how to handle difficult people is knowing when a discussion has gone from productive to toxic. “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” Fogh and Clark also recommend knowing your own body’s warning signs. Some people freeze up when they start losing control of a conversation. Others get butterflies or start feeling hot around the collar. When that happens and you can’t have a dispassionate discussion, it’s time to walk away and try again another time.

Resist the urge to get into the blame game. “I think often the place where conversations go off the rails is when someone puts intentions on an action,” Clark says. Then, you end up arguing over what each person meant, rather than what actually went down. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.'”

Decide when to drop the issue.

There’s a difference between behavior that meaningfully impacts your ability to live or work with someone and a personality quirk that drives you batty, but won’t ruin your life. “When difficult coworkers cross the line into bullying, it’s time to raise the issue to management or even human resources,” Wilding notes. If the issue impacts your reputation or your ability to do your job, then it’s time to escalate. But sometimes, you’ve got to live and let live.

Sometimes, power dynamics prevent us from solving communication issues or our workplaces are entrenched in systems designed to keep them from getting resolved. “The reality of the world of communication is that certain people can behave in ways that other people can’t get away with,” Fogh adds. “Women and people of color have different expectations of how they’re allowed to show up in the world. And those communication choices are not always going to land. They’re not always going to be appropriate. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess this up. But it’s the act of choosing that is empowerment.”

4 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them

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https://www.scienceofpeople.com/our-team#vanessa-van-edwards

We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.

https://youtu.be/QCNbq-WwEUI

Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:

1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:

Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
↑ Table of Contents ↑

2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.

3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.

4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.

Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/

How to Deal With Difficult People Without Losing Your Cool

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Here’s what to keep in mind.

By 
Jan 18 2022

Family members who never look on the bright side of life. Neighbors who would like you to know that the sound of your kids’ playing in the backyard interrupted their nap. Coworkers who can’t help but micromanage everything. There’s no shortage of difficult people who enter your orbit and cause your blood pressure to redline. Unless you want to go full hermit, there’s rarely a way to avoid them. Such people are just a part of life. There are, however, plenty of tactics you can employ to better handle difficult people and keep your frustration at bay.

So, what makes difficult people so persistently, well, difficult? Ian Parker, clinical director of mental health treatment center Newport Healthcare says lack of empathy is at the heart of the problem. “I often think of difficult people as those who are standing in line at a restaurant and begin to act as if they are the only ones who are waiting for their service,” he says. “They begin badgering the staff, demanding to speak with a manager, and can be thrown into a fit of anger over small or perceived slights. In short, they lack awareness and empathy.”

Now, people are people and might just be having a bad day. But sometimes folks are chronically difficult. So, what, then, is the best way to handle difficult people without losing your cool? Mental health professionals say that the damage of difficult people can be minimized through patience, empathy, and some self-interrogation. Here’s their advice.

1. Consider Whether the Difficult Person is You

Do you find yourself constantly beset by difficult people? Take a step back and a hard look into the mirror. As Holler philosopher Raylan Givens once said, “If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.” Janine Ilsley, Integrative Therapist at Cobb Psychotherapy says that some people’s nervous systems can have overactive responses to external situations. These responses, or “emotional charges” cause discomfort. Instead of interrogating their internal response, people blame it on people around them for causing the discomfort. “We have an automatic tendency to look outside ourselves to explain the raw discomfort, often by blaming the other and defending ourselves or whatever defense mechanism has assisted us in the past, rather than taking charge of our experience by internally responding to it,” Ilsley says. Take time to listen to your feelings first and consider if your reaction is truthful to the moment.

2. Don’t Give Them the Fight They Want

Difficult people thrive on confrontation and come alive when someone loses their cool. So, when you present them with any kind of argument, you’ve already lost the battle. It doesn’t matter how bulletproof your logic. They want a fight and you’re giving them one. “Often, trying to reason with people who are unreasonable is a set-up for conflict,” says Marriage and Family Therapist Layla Ashley says. Wise words indeed.

3. Kill the Headlights and Put in Neutral

Psychologist Jaime Zuckerman recommends treating difficult people with the stone-faced “just the facts, ma’am” demeanor of a ‘50s TV cop. With difficult people, you always want to stay neutral in your responses to them,” Zuckerman says. “So, if they start screaming or become arrogant, you don’t want to meet them where they’re at. Stay fact based and at ease.”

When you’re dealing with somebody, who has heightened anger, frustration, or anxiety, the more you raise your voice or the more you try to argue with them, the deeper into that pattern in that dynamic you become. If you’re neutral, you don’t give them anything to latch onto. You’re like a boxer letting your opponent tire themselves out with round after round of wild swings.

4. Accentuate the Positive 

Everybody thinks they’re the good guys in their life stories. And often you can diffuse a situation with a difficult person — or at least temporarily catch them off guard — by acknowledging whatever good intentions they might have. This doesn’t mean betraying your principles or using deception. Pluck a single point of agreement from the difficult person’s bouquet of aggravating bullshit and play it up. “You can agree with what is true, while asserting your own position,” Ashley says. “For example, your friend is laying a guilt trip on you for saying no to babysitting her child. You could say, ‘I’m happy you’re trying to spend more quality time with your husband, however I’m not available to babysit this weekend.’”

5. Acknowledge and Validate 

Life coach Natalie Fayman says people become “difficult” when they feel frustrated and unheard.  “Taking the time to truly listen to and understand the person you’re talking to is the fastest way to defuse an emotionally-charged conversation,” Fayman says. Finding the maturity and grace to listen to someone who’s driving you up a wall can be very difficult. So don’t look at it as taking the high road. If it helps, you can view it as a tactic you’re using to trick somebody that’s bugging you. Either way, acknowledging and validating a person’s grievances can knock the wind out their sails. Listen carefully to their complaints and show them you understand it through a statement that shows you were paying attention. “When someone feels that they’ve been truly heard and understood, this usually tones down the intensity of their emotional state,” Fayman says.

6. Set Boundaries (And Expect Them to be Tested)

If your natural inclination is to keep people happy and go along with the flow, difficult people will eat you for lunch, then nibble on you for the rest of the afternoon, not out of hunger but just because they know they can. Being very clear about how you’re willing to be treated is of utmost importance with difficult people. Set your limits ahead of time and be clear with yourself that while those limits will be tested you will hold firm. “If you know somebody’s difficult, it almost helps to go into the situation expecting it to be difficult rather than hoping that it’s not,” says Zuckerman.

7. Consider Cutting Ties

Sometimes some people just aren’t worth the aggravation. It can be a tough call but ghosting an impossibly difficult person might be the best thing for both of you in the long run, says Gail Saltz MD, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry The New York Presbyterian Hospital and host of the “How Can I Help?” podcast. You don’t have to deal with all that noise and the shock of losing a punching bag might spur some much-needed self-awareness on the difficult person’s part. “If you’ve tried repeatedly to explain how you feel, if the difficult person cannot or will not make any changes, if you’re caught in a constant cycle that makes you generally feel terrible more of the time than you feel good about the relationship, if this person not only doesn’t bring out the best in you but rather brings out the worst, if you feel better when they aren’t in your life, all of these indicate this may not be the relationship to hold onto,” says Saltz. After you’ve tried all the above, sometimes severing ties is the best way forward.

Dealing with a Backstabber at Work

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When I recently asked a group of attendees at a workshop if a coworker has ever backstabbed them, the overwhelming (almost 100 percent) was, Yes!

Backstabbing: betrayal (as by verbal attack against one not present) especially by a false friend….Merriam Webster

I’ll bet you would have raised your hand would if you were in the room when I asked the question too. It has probably happened, and it is likely to happen again. Someone you consider a friend has betrayed you. It’s a sad reality.

While I don’t know why this happens, I know what to do about it.

  1. Don’t take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, it shows more about them than you. For whatever reason, they feel they have something to gain by saying something negative about you. Perhaps they look more important or smarter. It isn’t necessarily about making you look bad; it is about making them look good.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

―Eleanor Roosevelt

True to the quote above, you rarely enter their thoughts at all. They are saying whatever they are saying because it helps them! They aren’t considering what it is doing to their reputation or your friendship. By taking it personally, you are assuming they did it to hurt you. You aren’t even on their radar. As much as that hurts, because how could a friend not know what it was doing to you, it isn’t about you at all.

  1. Pick Your Battles. It may be tempting to give your backstabber that stare that lasts a few seconds too long or to walk right up to them and say, “Game on!” But while it’s tempting, it’s not smart; don’t do it.

If you react emotionally (because you did take it personally; otherwise, you wouldn’t be upset), it is important to choose your battles. You may say something you regret and certainly something you can’t take back. You are stooping to their level by backstabbing your false friend, and you don’t need to do that.

That doesn’t mean you should always ignore when you are stabbed in the back. There may be times when having a one-on-one confrontation is exactly what you need to do. Be clear on what is overall harmful to your reputation and career. If it isn’t affecting your credibility at work, it might be best to look the other way.

I’ve decided that when people talk about how I spend my money, the state of my marriage, or my weight, I just ignore it. But when I hear that someone has said something about my professional abilities and integrity, I will confront them on those issues. My line in the sand is my professional reputation. If what has been said affects my professional reputation, I will confront them directly.

  1. Prove the backstabber was wrong. Correcting rumors requires action on your part. I don’t mean that you need to speak to every person and clarify what was wrong, but let your actions speak louder than any words. Show that the negative statements about you were wrong.

This is not your cue to fight back by betraying them back. That doesn’t prove them wrong at all; it confirms that you are just as bad a friend as they are.

 

“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

―George Bernard Shaw

Be smarter than your backstabber. Be smart about how you respond to the situation. By looking at how you handle the situation, you are showing others that you have more integrity than many people do. Don’t respond like a child and go running to all your friends at work and complain about what is happening. If you do that, you are a backstabber as well.

It hurts to be stabbed in the back by someone we consider a friend at work. By dealing with the situation professionally and respectfully, you will show that you are a better person.

Six Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

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by DIANE BERENBAUM

Are you having a hard time dealing with your co-workers? In this article Diane Berenbaum shares some practical tips on how we can make our workplace a little more harmonious.

Difficult management situationA recent comment from one of my friends caught me off guard, but got me thinking. She said, with a rather accusatory tone, “I bet you actually like the people you work with. Everyone in my company is so difficult!” After chuckling a bit and regaining my composure, I had to admit it: I do like the people in my company—every single one of them. I knew that I was lucky to work in a place where people really care about the work and each other, but this was a great reminder of that incredible fact.

But, isn’t everyone difficult at one time or another? Is it really possible to work in a difficult-free zone? What makes someone difficult anyway?

Ask your associates to describe a difficult person and I’m sure they won’t hesitate to share a few choice examples. I bet they’ll even fall into one of these classifications:

Arrogant types: Profess to know it all and want no help from anyone else, since others are clearly less qualified and worthy.

Whining types: Always see the negative side of things and are constantly complaining about it.

Demanding types: Want things done faster, neater, and more thorough than humanly possible and will issue threats if their demands are not met.

Uncooperative types: Fail to meet commitments and will ignore multiple requests, deadlines, or even threats for their participation.

Inconsistent types: Say one thing, do another and often claim they never committed to doing the first thing in the first place.

Lackadaisical types: Don’t seem to care about anything and don’t take much care with the quality of their work.
Any of these sound familiar? The fact is—anyone who doesn’t behave as we expect can be considered difficult and make our lives difficult in the process.

Reacting to Difficult People

Let’s face it; difficult people have a way of bringing us down. A friend recently described a conversation he had with an arrogant type and exclaimed, “I just want to smack her!” Yes, this is a common reaction (though, fortunately, it is rarely carried out).

Another associate complained about an uncooperative co-worker who rarely followed through on his commitments and almost always missed deadlines. Her response—total frustration (“He drives me crazy!”) and a lack of trust that he will ever come through when she needs him. Chances are she’ll pad the deadlines she gives him or just go elsewhere the next time she needs help.

With whiners, we may want to tell them to stop the insanity and quit their belly-aching. After a while, we just stop listening to anything they say (even when they are whining about a legitimate concern).

We may feel pushed or threatened when dealing with a demanding person—and decide that leaving the department or the company would be better than facing those unreasonable demands every day.

And, we tend to lose respect for, and ultimately even ignore, those who are inconsistent or lackadaisical.

These responses, while perfectly natural and understandable, don’t tend to yield the best results. Often, we miss important information or get so distracted that we lose sight of the task at hand.

In fact, we might become so annoyed and irritable that it affects our own behavior, so much so that we are perceived as difficult by someone else. And, if we are the difficult person in question, well, you know how others are going to be thinking about and treating us.

Make a Change with Six Thoughtful Strategies

While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – in our jobs, friendships, and yes, sometimes even our families – we can do something about it. It takes work, but it is definitely worth the effort.

Here are six ways to approach dealing with difficult people:

Avoid Labeling or Judging People

If you think you are dealing with a difficult person, you are setting up the conversation to be difficult. Subconsciously, you may put people in categories and then expect them to behave that same way every time.

For example, your inner-talk about co-worker Jack may go something like this, “Oh that Jack is such a crab; he’s going to complain about anything I suggest. I hate talking with him.”

These thoughts that occur before the conversation even takes place may actually negatively impact the nature and outcome of the conversation. Resist the temptation to label or judge, even if their behavior is irritating or disturbing.

Step Back Before You Respond

Your natural response to a difficult person may be a quick or critical comeback. Stop yourself! That response may, in fact, come back to haunt you and cause the conversation to go spiraling downward.

Trust that the other person does not mean to be difficult. The more you can separate the behavior from the person, the less likely you’ll be to interpret their behavior as a personal attack. Take time to compose yourself and think of your response, instead of reacting immediately.

Stop Wishing They were Different

How many times have you thought, “If only she would be more responsive, positive, or reliable?”

Stop wasting your precious mental energy on a futile effort as you’ve probably realized by now that wishing doesn’t work. Difficult people are not irritating you on purpose—and the best way to see a change in them is to change your own thinking and behavior.

Use a Learning Mindset Approach

Approach each interaction with an open mind—avoid making decisions or predictions before you start. Really listen to what the other person has to say and remain open to their viewpoint. When people feel your support, they will be more willing to work with you.

Practice using this approach with a friend and see if he or she notices a difference. Or, seek help and feedback from someone you trust. A little candid feedback can get you back on track after a slip into auto-pilot mode.

Acknowledge vs. Argue

Our first reaction may be to argue and defend our case. When someone makes an unrealistic demand, we might blast out with a snappy retort like, “That can’t be done!” or “That’s not realistic,” which can only lead the conversation spiraling downward (see point two above).

Instead, acknowledge their perspective and offer to collaborate on next steps. For example, “I can see that this is urgent and you want the system fixed by tomorrow morning. It is more complex than it may seem. I would like to take a moment to go over it and explore a timeframe that will ensure that it is fixed properly and completely.” This type of response will not only position you as more of a partner, it will also lead to a better conclusion for both parties.

Don’t be a Difficult Person Yourself!

It is easy to identify someone else being difficult. But, how many times do you look in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the one being difficult, especially when you are pushed, cajoled, or just plain tired?

Know thyself and recognize what triggers your own responses. Take responsibility for your actions without turning to your “dark side” so you don’t become the difficult person that others avoid.
By changing your attitude and approach towards difficult people, you’ll gain a wealth of knowledge, build relationships, and feel a whole lot better. You’ll also find that others respond differently to you because they sense your support and willingness to listen.

And maybe someday, when a friend tells you about his difficult co-workers, you too can smile and say that your workplace is not really very difficult at all.

About the Author

Diane Berenbaum is a Senior Vice President of Communico Ltd, a customer
service training and consulting company that delivers measurable results for customer service organizations and call centers.

How To Deal With Difficult People

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PUBLISHED  · UPDATED 

Techtello.com

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers

Humans are social creatures who seek personal validation based on how others interact with them. We feel good and important when others share our belief system and dejected when there’s a conflict of opinions.

It’s then natural to want to work with people who are just like us, our clones.

So, every once in a while when we come across people who do not value our inputs, crush our ideas, ignore what we have to say, act as a know-it-all, seem to find pleasure in criticism, satisfaction in creating chaos and look for the negative side of things, it upsets us.

These so-called difficult people push our buttons by acting in undesirable ways. Their behaviour gives us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them. After all, they are at fault.

Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher once said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers.

Is there a better way of working with difficult people? Can we shift from acting as a critic who passes judgement or a victim who is being defensive to a responsible adult who can work with different types of people?

Before jumping to strategies, let us learn how we think, act and behave around difficult people. Without understanding our own mindset, any strategy we try to put to practice will be superficial. It will not address our underlying emotions, the most critical aspect to deal with while working with people we find difficult and challenging.

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. “Where we stand depends on where we sit”

How do we deal with difficult people?

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T - Tagging, R - Righteousness, I - Intention, C - Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. How we relate to someone else is driven by our own personality, expectations, background and experience.

Some people instantly click and connect to us and it is difficult to comprehend or rationalise why we trust them. Then there are others we dislike the moment we shake their hands with our inner voice whispering in our ears “I am not going to like this person”.

Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. That doesn’t mean there aren’t people who are largely unpopular, but they are very rare.

Once our mind takes us down the emotional path, we take a one-sided view of the problem. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T – Tagging, R – Righteousness, I – Intention, C – Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways:

T- Tagging leading to classification

Isn’t it easy to notice flaws in others while ignoring our own shortcomings?

We are quick to label others – he’s needy, manipulative, fake, cheat, pretentious, condescending, cynic, liar, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative.

From Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves— we know what we are “really like” inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others

Without making an attempt to understand the other person, what’s important to them, what’s their belief system and what could be driving this behaviour, we place people into buckets.

Tagging people happens in the part of our brain that runs on auto-pilot without our conscious awareness. It’s what helps our brain to apply shortcuts while dealing with others.

Classifying people into easy (safe) or difficult (threat) gives permission to our brain to act in certain ways.

R – Righteousness calling for rejection

The moment we find someone difficult, our body tightens up. We not only lose flexibility in our body, but in our response too.

We start believing in the righteousness of how we feel, what we want and why the other person deserves to be treated in a certain way. Once we reject them as a person, we start rejecting their ideas too. We take a stand and stick to it.

From Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Who died maintaining his right of way – He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong. You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong

The fixed view enables us to rationalise why the person is acting this way.

I – Intention driven by assumptions

Once we know we are right and the other person is indeed difficult, it’s easy to assume that they are acting out of bad intent.

Hanlon’s razor states –

“Never attribute to bad intentions that which is adequately explained by ignorance, incompetence, negligence, misunderstanding, laziness or other probable causes”

Without applying Hanlon’s razor as a mental model to understand their behaviour and look for alternate perspectives, we assume bad intention as the source of the problem.

We choose to live with our assumptions, without showing an intent to understand the other person and their action.

Difficult becomes synonymous with bad in our minds which further strengthens our belief system.

C – Confirmation of our beliefs 

Once we label someone as “difficult”, every interaction then serves as a validation of our beliefs. Confirmation bias prevails as we stick with our perception in all our discussions.

It leads us to reject the evidence that contradicts our beliefs and look for information that strengthens our point of view.

Whatever the person does or says is then viewed through a skewed lens that reinforces their difficult behaviour even though the interaction may be entirely normal.

We stick with our first impression instead of making an attempt to view every situation differently.

K – Keenness to fix others

We do not look at ourselves to determine what about us could be causing the other person to act in a particular way. Without changing our own behaviour, we expect others to act in a certain way.

The assumption that the other person is at fault leads to a desire to fix them.

They might be at fault, but we cannot fix someone else. The best we can do is to take charge of things which are under our control.

Take this advice from Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Many factors in interdependent situations are not in your Circle of Concern—problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively

Remember that our mind plays these tricks to help us make sense of the world and the people in it. Labelling someone difficult and sticking to it is letting your brain run on auto-pilot, while taking control requires conscious effort and deliberate thinking.

What happens when we interact with difficult people?

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger. We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety

Amygdala is an older part of our brain in the limbic system which is responsible for processing emotions and it is not very good at separating real danger from a perceived one.

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger.

We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety.

It can also drain us of our energy making us feel exhausted and can lead to overthinking which causes us to get stuck and drift away from important work in turn hitting our productivity.

4 strategies to handle difficult people 

We may not realise that we have supreme power over our own thinking and action, which contributes to how others around us behave. As Dr. Mike Bechtle advocates in People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys – “It means that we work on our side of the relationship, no matter what happens on the other side. We don’t change them; we change ourselves”

It may seem “right” to want others to change, but it’s extremely difficult. So, control what you can and stop thinking about what you can’t by following these 4 practices to deal with difficult people:

1. Separate the person from the behaviour

Labelling a person as difficult or bad doesn’t help. When you find someone difficult, you may think that you do not like the person, but it’s actually their behaviour that you dislike.

Separating the person from their behaviour will allow you to identify your own limits and determine what aspect of a person’s behaviour troubles you.

Following this as a practice every time you encounter a difficult person can help you to draw patterns – is it the perfectionist that bothers you or someone who’s too aggressive and loud, what about the extremely logical kinds who ignore emotional cues or people who stick to norms and fear disruption or maybe it’s the cultural misfits.

Once you understand this, you can be kind to the person while still devising strategies to deal with their behaviour.

It also enables a healthy dialogue by helping you shift in the language you use. There’s a huge difference in saying

“I find you obnoxious”

vs

“The idea that you suggested does not consider…”

First statement is about the person which can instantly make them defensive, while the second one is about their idea which invites the other person to have a healthy debate.

2. Widen your perspective

When you are having a tough time trying to understand why the other person is behaving in a manner that displeases you, take a moment to step back. Instead of passing judgement, explore answers.

Widen your perspective by asking these questions:

  • Why do I feel this way?
  • What does the other person feel in this situation?
  • How are my biases coming into play?
  • Could I be skipping some facts?
  • How do I contribute to this behaviour?
  • What if my feelings are wrong?
  • What does this situation and person teach me about myself?
  • Could they be feeling insecure around me?

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind

Turning the difficult moment into a learning experience can help you make changes in the way you respond, ask questions and act around difficult people. Some of these small changes can be big enablers for reinforcing positive behaviour.

It may even present an opportunity to the difficult person to shift their perspective by noticing how others around them behave and act.

3. Don’t react, act 

When you are upset, the natural tendency is to react without thinking straight. While not intentional, your reaction may give more power to the difficult person by acknowledging that they bother you. It causes fixation on a different problem than the one you intended to solve together.

A well thought out action, on the other hand, may diffuse the situation by shifting the focus from their difficult behaviour to the desire to find a solution together.

When dealing with difficult co-workers, show a collaborative mindset by

  • Discussing the outcomes that you both desire
  • Establishing boundaries on acceptable behaviour
  • Actively listening to the other person
  • Moving the focus from drama to finding solutions together

Action, not reaction drives results.

4. Take the hard road

Despite all your efforts to keep the drama in check, things may eventually not work out. Some people are indeed very difficult to manage.

Instead of being disappointed and reverting back to your default mode, involve the right people for guidance and seeking ideas.

Some other strategies that may also work and are worth trying:

  • Give candid feedback to the difficult person yourself or have their manager deliver the message
  • Involve a third party who can act as a mediator by adopting a more neutral tone

Humans are complex, irrational beings and we are not magicians to turn everyone into our clones.

But, we can add a little magic to our life by controlling our own behaviour around difficult people.

How do you manage difficult people at work and in life? Write to me or share your comments below.

How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering how to handle your difficult boss.

Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers lie in a couple of different areas. Some are related to the environment or sources of stress that they are facing and the impact that these are having on them, and some are related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours to get what they need.

Often, we cannot change the sources of stress for our boss, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing its ugly head?

Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.

To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through, but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some becoming more demanding because they want to feel more in control. Some become a know-it-all as they need to feel important and listened to. While some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance, or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using a particular behaviour, and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are some additional strategies.

5 Quick Tips That Are Helpful In Handling A Difficult Boss:

1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed.

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects, or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’ how we are feeling or what we are working on.

3. Successful Administrative Professionals provide only the facts and if possible, offer solutions.

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions.

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours.

Conclusion
Working with a difficult or negative boss can lead to burnout and take us away from a job or project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for your boss, along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors, can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP
For over twenty years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with people and organizations who want to
control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges, and live healthy, successful lives.

Check out Beverly’s past presentations with AAP. Connect with Beverly if you are looking to have her share her mental health and resiliency expertise and experience with your team by visiting https://worksmartlivesmart.com  or emailing her at info@worksmartlivesmart.com

How to deal with difficult people

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Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal, Contributors

Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC's "Seinfeld"

NBC|Getty Images| Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC’s “Seinfeld”

Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.

First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.

Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.

Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.

Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.

Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”

But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.

Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder ofThe Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.

As appeared on www.cnbc.com

3 Ways I Handle Conflict

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Don’t relish conflict, but don’t fear it. Handling conflict is one of the most misunderstood parts of our existence. It is often unpleasant; many people try to avoid it. Others seem to thrive on the stress of it. I think some even use it to overpower others. Maybe that’s why they look for opportunities to bully people.

However, conflict is best seen as an opportunity to understand our differences, since that’s when conflict usually arises: when we see something different. I handle conflict in the following 3 ways.

1. Think constructively.

When a problem comes up, think constructively. You are not attacking the other person, and hopefully, he is not attacking you, either. If he is, redirect him to the problem. That is what you both should be focused on: the principle, not the person. In this day and age, too many people resort to letting arguments become personal – name-calling, mockery, personal attacks. I suppose humans have always done it. We can’t stay focused on the matter before us so we get frustrated and lash out, or we realize that our position should change but we aren’t confident enough to do so. That seems to be the common approach to conflict. Don’t be like that. Be constructive. Be uncommon.

2. Stay focused on solutions and communication.

Admit when you’re wrong, but stand your ground when you’re right. I have always liked the movie Twelve Angry Men. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays a member of a jury charged with returning a verdict in a murder trial. The evidence appears clear-cut, and the other eleven are ready to return a guilty verdict and move on with their lives. But Fonda’s character is not satisfied that the evidence is conclusive and he feels the need to walk through it again, much to the dismay of the other eleven jurors. Time and time again, a vote is taken, and still, he stands alone. Some of the other jurors begin to make it personal. The room becomes very tense, but Fonda’s character just keeps his focus on the job they’ve been given to do.

He exhorts the other jurors to reexamine the evidence between each vote, and the votes begin to shift: 11-1, 10-2, 8-4, and so on. Finally, after reexamining the evidence a number of times, all of the jurors agree on a verdict of not guilty.

3. There are times to stand alone.

Sometimes we have to stand alone for an extended period of time. Other times, the mere act of our standing for what we believe in brings others with us, and we are no longer alone. Either way, conflict can serve to illuminate truth or illuminate differences. In any event, it doesn’t have to be feared.

 Article by , As appeared on www.allprodad.com

How To Manage Conflict At Work

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Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do.  I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote.  “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company.  While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Angry face
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate.  I never liked conflict.  But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job.  Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it.   Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider.   Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse.   Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can.   There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too…  And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son.  (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.)   Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above.  You’re management.  You’re the voice of reason.  Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR –  Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters:  When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions.   I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts.  They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel.  My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it.  During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes.  And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war.  Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing.  Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can.   Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t.  It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Article by, Victor Lipman , an executive coach and author of The Type B Manager.

 

 

 

As appeared on forbes.com

How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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difficult bossIt’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering why you put up with your difficult boss. Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours. Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may increase their difficult reactions. According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.

Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads? Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.

To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.

In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:

5 quick tips that may also be helpful when dealing with a difficult boss

1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’

3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours

Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business

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When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.

1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.

2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.

3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.

4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.

5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.

6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.

7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.

8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.

9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.

10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.

Article by, Nathalie Boutet

Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.

As appeared on theglobeandmail.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the ​bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management

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Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience.  In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.

Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives:  at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities.  How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction.  The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.

The goal of  conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship.  When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:

Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.

Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.

Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.

Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager:  knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.

Conflict Management Styles

The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with.  These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict.  These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times.  However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.

1.    Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises.  This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.

2.    Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns.  Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice.  This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.

3.    Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.

4.    Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution:  one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals.  It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.

5.    Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.

Conflict Management Strategies

These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:

•    issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
•    relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
•    relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
•    available time:  how much time you have to resolve the issue.

By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.

Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:

1.    Avoid

Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict.  When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
•    the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
•    you are upset and need to time to cool off
•    there are more important issues to deal with
•    you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
•    you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.

However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.

2.    Accommodate

Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party.  Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time.  The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
•     an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
•    you realize you are wrong
•    the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
•    harmony in the relationship is extremely important.

The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful.  Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.

3.    Compromise

When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions.  However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can.  Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
•    people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
•    you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
•    the goals are moderately important.

However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details.  Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues.  The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.

4.    Collaborate

Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues.  The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns.  Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
•     the parties trust each other
•    it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
•    the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
•    the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.

The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy.  If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.

5.    Compete

Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken.  It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win.  Compete is appropriate when
•    you know you are right
•    time is short and a quick decision is needed
•    you need to stand up for your rights.

However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.

How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style.  Where has it worked for you?  Where did it let you down?  What were the consequences?

Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation.  The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.

In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict.  This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.

By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.

With these principles in mind, you are now ready for action. For more information, here is how  to prepare for a conflict meeting and conduct a conflict negotiation.

Article by,

© Astrid Baumgardner 2012

 

Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success.  In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and  Personal Branding and Networking.  She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.

Tips and Tricks for Dealing with Difficult People

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Learn to Play Nice

I think it’s safe to say that all of us, at one time or another, have had to deal with a difficult person at work. But the good news is, you do not have to let them get the better of you! Below are proven tactics that can help you get past a co-worker’s difficult behavior.

From Know-It-Alls to Hecklers

Everyone has met these people. You may not have taken the time to categorize them, but difficult people generally fall into the following categories according to a Huffington Post article:

  • Talk hogs – dominate the discussion, either in a positive or negative way
  • Know-it-alls – chime in whenever, about whatever, no matter what is being discussed
  • Resenters – use dismissive hostility to make it known they would rather be anywhere else but at work
  • Hecklers – use off-putting remarks, backhanded compliments, and tasteless jokes
  • Gripers – constant complainers, always pointing out the negative side

No matter what kind of difficult behavior these people subscribe to, the air can be sucked right out of the room, and productivity screeches to a halt. It’s been said before and it will be said again, the only person you can truly control is you, so don’t let Debbie Downer or Steve the Bully get to you!

Don’t Let Them Push Your Buttons

There are four tactics to utilize to keep difficult people from getting a rise out of you:

  1. Keep emotion in check; stick to the facts of the situation, calmly state what you know, and what you can do to help
  2. Consider an alternative; in some cases it’s better to remove yourself from the situation (especially if the person just rubs you the wrong way and there is no way of getting past it) or engage a third party as an intermediary
  3. Don’t personalize it; when others are being difficult, sometimes the easiest course is to take it personally. Don’t; because it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you
  4. Collect yourself; for example, if you are conversing with a difficult person on the phone, pause and take a deep breath before responding, sometimes that moment makes all the difference in the world

Not matter what technique you may engage to deal with a difficult person, the situation may not be able to be diffused. In this case remember, only address the unwanted behavior, and not the person. No one benefits when it crosses the line and becomes personal.

I recently encountered a know-it-all when I was presenting to a group of about 35 individuals. She constantly interrupted and tried to correct me. It could have really rattled me, but I did not personalize it. I found out later that she does this to compensate for her own lack of self-esteem. I didn’t realize this until I personally witnessed her crying in front of another presenter. It took me back – I realized then that she was not the person who I thought she was.

Safety First, My Friends

Difficult can cross to scary before you know it, so be mindful of workplace safety for yourself and others. Remember the following:

  • Ask for help from others
  • Don’t get cornered
  • Avoid being alone with a difficult person
  • Try not to turn your back on a difficult person
  • Don’t take it personally

 

Article by, 

New Supervisor Worries

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Help Me Rhonda:

I’m new to my company, in my first supervisory position. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and I want to be seen as a friendly boss but I feel like I’m being tested every day by my new staff members. For example, two of them will often be chatting to each other (in what is clearly a personal conversation), completely ignoring a ringing phone or the work they have to do. They won’t even stop when I walk by, and it feels like they are almost daring me to say something. How do I fix this situation without pulling rank or being too bossy?

Signed,
Cautious of Overstepping

Dear Cautious of Overstepping,

You’re absolutely right, they are testing you and right now you are not getting a passing grade.

Remember when we were in high school and a substitute teacher would come in? We’d put that poor teacher through the ringer just to see what we could get away with. We’d learn very quickly which substitutes would tolerate our bad behavior and which ones wouldn’t let us get away with anything. Your employees are doing exactly that to you.

Which would you choose? Making friends or being effective as a supervisor? https://ctt.ec/AD1Wb+ @RhondaScharf

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At the moment, you seem more concerned with them liking you as a person than doing your job effectively. Work is not a popularity contest. They don’t have to like you. You do have to pay the rent and buy groceries though, so given a choice which would you choose, making friends or being effective as a supervisor? (Hint: If you choose making friends, then I would suggest that a supervisory position is not the right one for you).

The good news is that you can be an effective supervisor without alienating your employees. You can be friendly and still garner the respect your position deserves and ensure that the work gets done. If they decide to dislike you because you are expecting them to do their jobs, it sounds like they wouldn’t be the best kind of friends anyway.

The key is for you to be respectful, polite, specific and clear. That will demonstrate that you see what is happening but you aren’t making a big deal about it. The next time you walk by and the telephone is ringing, say: “Diane, could you please answer that ringing telephone?”

She will probably give you a funny look, but answer the phone anyway; or she’ll tell you why she isn’t answering the telephone. If she refuses, or if it happens over and over again then you’ll need to have a more detailed conversation with her.

Let’s assume the testing is continuing, the phone is continuing to ring, and you don’t feel that your instructions to answer the phone promptly are being followed when you aren’t around.

That’s when the DESC strategy will come in handy for you. DESC lets you plan what you are going to say:

D – Describe the situation objectively (rather than subjectively). Keep it black and white; state the facts with no interpretation of those facts yet. Your goal is to get them to look at you and wonder where you are going with this. Their likely response will be, “So?”.

“Diane, I couldn’t help but notice that the last four times I came out of my office you were engaging with Michelle in a conversation that didn’t appear to be work related.”

E – Explain the problem. This is where you give your interpretation and perhaps the consequences of the situation. After you make this statement, you should be prepared for a defense statement from them.

“It actually makes it look like you do more socializing than working, and when deadlines aren’t met I can’t help but think that if you chatted less and worked more we could get everything done on time.”

S – Solution. Offer a solution or ask for a solution. Always begin with the end in mind. Know what you want the solution to be before you ever have the confrontation.

“Could you and Michelle please restrict your socializing to coffee and lunch breaks?”

C – Commitment or Consequence. You want to get the other person to agree with you or make some type of comment that at least affirms that they have heard and understood you. You don’t want this to be a lecture, but more of a discussion.

“Does that sound reasonable to you?” (wait for the answer).

or

Consequence. If your position warrants it, and it’s necessary, you can give a consequence.

“Since this is the second time that I’ve mentioned it to you, I will tell you that if we need to have this conversation again, it will be an official conversation and a record of the conversation will go into your personnel file.”

Say what needs to be said respectfully and politely. Here’s how https://ctt.ec/pamQa+ @RhondaScharf

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Let them speak, defend or whatever will keep the conversation going. Don’t lecture. Do your best to get agreement (commitment) from them during the conversation. If necessary, follow up with an email.

You don’t have to be a tyrant but you are being paid to supervise, and although you are working with adults we all sometimes need to know what we can get away with and what we can’t. Set boundaries. Say what needs to be said, respectfully and professionally.

Your job is to be an excellent supervisor, not make friends. However, you can do both if you approach situations methodically and professionally.

Good luck.
Rhonda

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By, Deepak Chopra

Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer

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REFUSING FLOWERS

I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!

An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.

Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away

I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

Article by,
Rhonda Scharf Headshot

Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

As appeared in the Huffington Post on December 13, 2016

What is Workplace Bullying And How Does it Affect People?

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Workplace bullying is like bullying on the playground except that it occurs in the workplace.

It usually involves verbal comments and incidents that are intended to hurt, harass, isolate, intimidate, or humiliate a person. It is not new but has become what some have called a silent epidemic because it is happening frequently but isn’t always reported.

It is estimated that as many as one in every six workers is bullied at work and it occurs more frequently than sexual harassment. Bullying creates a horrible, hostile and poisonous work environment that leads to severe problems.

Bullying can be obvious and subtle and may take the form of any one or more of these behaviours:

  • spreading malicious, untrue rumours, gossip, or innuendoesTwo serious business women
  • excluding or isolating someone
  • intimidating a person
  • undermining or interfering with a person’s work
  • threatening
  • restricting former responsibilities
  • changing work requirements
  • setting impossible deadlines
  • withholding information
  • providing erroneous information
  • making offensive jokes
  • pestering, spying or stalking
  • not providing sufficient work
  • swearing, yelling or being rude
  • constant unwarranted criticism
  • blocking applications for training, leave, awards or promotion

It is very important to understand that the people who are bullied are not to blame. The victims or targets are usually highly competent, accomplished, experienced and popular. The reason why they have been singled out for this upsetting and unfair treatment is due to the needs and personalities of the persons who are doing the bullying.

Ken Westhues, a sociologist at the University of Waterloo is survivor of academic mobbing (bullying in universities) and has become a recognized expert. He has developed this checklist of indicators.

  1. By standard criteria of job performance, the target is at least average, probably above average.
  2. Rumours and gossip circulate about the target’s misdeeds: “Did you hear what she did last week?”
  3. The target is not invited to meetings or voted onto committees, is excluded or excludes self.
  4. Collective focus on a critical incident that “shows what kind of person they really are”.
  5. Shared conviction that the target needs some kind of formal punishment, “to be taught a lesson”.
  6. Unusual timing of the decision to punish apart from the annual performance review.
  7. Emotion-laden, defamatory rhetoric about the target in oral and written communications.
  8. Formal expressions of collective negative sentiment toward the target. A vote of censure, signatures on a petition, meeting to discuss what to do about the target.
  9. High value on secrecy, confidentiality, and collegial solidarity among the bullies.
  10. Loss of diversity of argument, so that it becomes dangerous to speak up for or defend the target.
  11. Adding up the target’s real or imagined venial sins to make a mortal sin that cries for action.
  12. The target is seen as personally abhorrent with no redeeming qualities; stigmatizing, exclusionary labels are applied.
  13. Disregard of established procedures as the bullies take matters into their own hands.
  14. Resistance to independent outside review of sanctions imposed on the target.
  15. Outraged response to any appeals for outside help the target may make.
  16. Bullies’ fear of violence from target, target’s fear of violence from bullies, or both.

How Does It Affect People?

The target of bullying may suffer from or experience a great number of symptoms all of which result from his or her treatment at work. The events taking place in the workplace are bad enough and very upsetting, but they can also lead to a number of physical, mental, emotional, social and financial problems.

Don’t be alarmed by the list that follows. Victims do not suffer from all of these things but they could encounter any of them.

  • Weight gain
  • Cancer
  • Heart attacks
  • A stress-induced illness
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Low motivation
  • Memory difficulties
  • Learning difficulty
  • Increased fear
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Desire for revenge
  • Depression
  • Anxiety disorders
  • Loss of confidence
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder
  • Career loss
  • Social difficulties
  • Social isolation
  • Separation
  • Divorce
  • Lowered sex drive
  • Suicide
  • Shock
  • Increased feelings of frustration
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • A sense of vulnerability
  • Loss of appetite
  • Sleep disorders
  • Headaches
  • Stomach upsets
  • Family tensions

 

AUTHOR INFO

John Towler is the author of How to Cope with Workplace Bullying which can be purchased online. Dr. Towler is a Senior Partner with Creative Organizational Design, a management consulting firm that specializes in employee testing and surveys. The firm has a test for everything and can test for salespeople, preselection, customer service, management skills etc. They design, administer and score a variety of surveys including attitude, customer service, marketing and web site popularity. Please send comments to Dr. Towler at jotowler@gmail.com. For more information call (519) 745 0142 or visit their web site at www.creativeorgdesign.com.

Working with a Bully?

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You have enough to worry about at your job, and getting bullied by your coworkers should never be one of them. It is normal to fear retaliation by a workplace bully.  Running away and letting them continue to bully you is not the right approach (but you already know that!).

Write Everything Down

If you’ve been bullied, write down everything that you can about the event. Don’t forget the basics, like what day the event occurred, where it occurred, who was around and what was said.  Please be truthful and objective (black and white). Do not embellish or get emotional. Stick to the facts as best as you can remember them.  Keep in mind that your bully’s supervisor will need this information in order to be able to see a pattern if possible.

If the bully is harassing you via email, text messaging, fax, audit reports, time sheets, memos or by good old snail mail, then smile.  The work has been done for you.  Collect as many of these as you can before you go up the ladder. You can report to your boss, your bully’s boss, Human Resources, your union rep, or whoever you think will be able to best help you immediately..

Don’t Be Alone

Your bully will deny any and all of the accusations brought against him or her.  Expect that. Make it much harder for the bully by never being alone in a room with her. Make sure that someone else is always within earshot that can back you up. A bully is more likely to harass their victims when the victim is alone than even when just one other bystander is nearby.

If you can’t find a human witness, then carry a mechanical witness with you in the form of a cell phone camera or a small tape recorder.  Do a test run with your cell phone inside of a jacket pocket or lying on a table to hear how well voices record. Many cell phones have excellent audio. Carrying a tape recorder is much easier to do in the winter than in the summer, unless your blazer has an inside pocket.

Resist Revenge

This step is hard to do. You will constantly think up things you can say or do to get back at your bully.  Just think them – don’t actually do them. It’s never okay to act on these revenge fantasies, even if the bully really REALLY deserves it. They can easily backfire and cost you your job.

Whenever you do interact with your bully, keep a calm and even tone of voice. Don’t yell and don’t swear that you’ll get even. Don’t even bother to tell them you are documenting all of this. Pretend that you are being watched by the boss. If the bully tries to back you in a corner, move as quickly as possible to anyplace that would have other employees around.

Relax and Talk to Friends

You should not have to spend your off hours worrying about getting bullied again.  Since this is a problem that ís bothering you, you will need to let off some steam. Talk to your friends and loved ones.  They may have tips for you. They may also have been in a similar situation and can sympathize. Better to speak to friends that are not friends at work though.

Bullies try to make their victims feel as if they deserve to be bullied. Spending time with people who value you can not only get you to relax, but can wreck the bully’s plans.

What are you afraid of?

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Emotions are not your friend when they rule your interactions with your difficult person.  You need to be black and white, focused on the facts, calm, cool and collected. You will have no problem dealing with issues that you are not emotional about (because you don’t care), but as soon as you “care” you will have a problem dealing with the situation.

It is in your best interest to NOT respond nor react when you are being ruled by your emotions.

Take time out.  Be sure to arrange a follow up with your difficult person when you can get some perspective, when you can be calm, focused and professional.

You are emotional for a reason.  Are you being ruled by fear? What are you afraid of? If so, figure out what is at the root of that fear, and see what you can do to work around it (are you afraid you’ll lose your job, the boss won’t like you, that you’ll look stupid?). Your fear will probably not be rational. But once you can identify the fear, then you can deal with it.

Your emotions will be easier to handle when there is understanding.

So, what are you afraid of?

After the confrontation

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After the confrontation
‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.

When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.

“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.

In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.

I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.

This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.

Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.

Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.

Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.

That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.

Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.

The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.

Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.

Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.

I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.

Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.

It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.

Meetings and your Difficult Person/Bully

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If you are attending a meeting this week, and your difficult person (or bully) is attending, make a point to sit BESIDE her, not across the table from her.

When you position yourself across the table you are placing yourself in a potentially adversarial position.  By putting yourself beside your difficult person you are in a position of equality, not competition.

This way you don’t even have to guess if she is talking about you. You know she isn’t, nor can she (you are much too close)! This will take some of the pressure off you (believe it or not), and hopefully you’ll be able to concentrate on your job more.

I survived

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You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1.     Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

  • So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2.     Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

  • Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
  • Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
  • You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
  • You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3.     Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4.     Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Manage Your Stress

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Dealing with a difficult person, having an unexpected confrontation or working every day with a bully is going to take it’s toll on you physically.  Your stress levels will soar, and it is important to manage your stress so you can manage your situation.

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute:

76% of people being bullied suffer from severe anxiety
71% have their sleep disrupted
71% suffer from lack of concentration
47% suffer from post traumatic stress disorder
39% suffer from clinical depression
32% have panic attacks

Even if it isn’t a bully that you are dealing with, you can see how seriously these types of situations affect your stress.  When your stress is high, your ability to deal with the regular demands of life is compromised.  The simple things often become too much to handle.

Make 2011 the year to get on-the-right-track when dealing with your difficult person/confrontation or bully.  Take care of yourself first before you worry about dealing with the other person.

Surf the internet for stress articles, check out my office advice blog: http://on-the-right-track.com/office-advice-blog/ for ongoing articles, and search this blog for previous postings as well.

Expect to be stressed.  Anticipate it so that you can deal with it as well.

Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!

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“Can you read this over to make sure it sounds okay?”  We’ve done that haven’t we?  Don’t.

If there is tension in a relationship, the desire to turn to email is overwhelming.  i realize that we want a paper trail, we want to avoid our difficult person, and we want to ensure that we are not part of the problem.

The problem is email itself.  You may have written an email that sounds perfect to you, but you aren’t the other person!  If there is a way to read it the wrong way, that is pretty much what is going to happen.

The tension in your relationship is causing the person to read your email with a “tone” of voice that you potentially weren’t intending to put in the message.  They heard it anyway.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it is about perception.  Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.

If you can, go over and speak to your difficult person. be prepared and stick to your “script”.  Follow up the meeting with an email summary, but don’t have the conversation on email.

If a live conversation is just too much to expect, then have the conversation over the telephone.  Worst case scenario, call their voice mail and leave the message.

Email is guaranteed to make it worse.

Putting a stop to email bullying

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Don't have confrontations on email

Bullying has been getting a lot of press lately. In a recent Zogby International study, 54 million Americans say they have been attacked by bullies at work. That is an astounding number.

The definition of bullying is activity that is unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to harm the victim. It is persistent, prolonged and it happens over a period of time.

What we’ve seen is a change in the way people are handling confrontation. Many people are uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so email confrontation is increasing astronomically. People are clearly not uncomfortable with email confrontation.

I’ve recently seen several cases of email bullying. I’m willing to bet that the person involved in the email confrontation was not aware that she was being unfair, humiliating, potentially malicious or vindictive. I’m willing to bet that these people thought they were handing the situation clearly and in a businesslike manner.

That was not the case.

To begin with, confrontation should not be handled via email.

I realize that given the choice, it’s easier to have a confrontation via email rather than face-to-face. It gives us the opportunity to choose our words carefully, and to be very clear and unemotional. It also gives us a valuable paper trail so we don’t have to rely on “he said–she said” afterthought.

So I realize that sometimes these tense conversations are held via email. As much as I advise you not to do that, it does sometimes still happen. If so, here’s what not to do: add someone else to the conversation.

If it is a conversation between you and another person, don’t include others; don’t add anyone to the cc: field. Especially don’t add anyone to the bcc: field, (which includes others in the conversation without the receiver being aware of it). If you are having an issue with one person, don’t bring others into it without permission. That is unfair and potentially humiliating.

A client I’ve been coaching was having an email dialogue with a contractor in another time zone. Things got heated and unexpectedly, several VPs and senior directors from my client’s firm were added to the conversation. My client felt ganged up on; he felt that adding his executives to the discussion was unfair to him. It was certainly humiliating and he felt that his contractor was trying to harm his professional reputation.

That is bullying. Would the bully do this again? Potentially, as it probably worked well for him.

The bully in my example would have defended his position by saying that the senior team needed to be brought into the conversation. While that justification might be accurate, shouldn’t the other party be aware, and agree to that? The bully gave my client no choice.

Be careful you’re not bullying someone on email without being aware of it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you feel that it was unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to hurt you?

If you’ve ever called a co-worker over to read an email to make sure it sounds okay, don’t send it. I guarantee the tone you are hoping it is read in is not the tone that it will be read in. Pick up the phone or go speak to the individual in person, but don’t handle the conversation via email if there is another option.

And if you are being bullied via email, stop the conversation immediately. Pick up the phone. Find a way to speak to the person using any medium other than email. Take control so your bully cannot continue to bully you.

Help Me Rhonda? Where to meet?

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Help Me Rhonda!

I’m finally ready to have a confrontation with my co-worker.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Is there a best place to have this meeting?

Help Me Rhonda!

Help Me Rhonda!

Ready-But-Nervous!

Dear Ready-But-Nervous!

Congratulations and being willing to have the confrontation/conversation.  As you know, most people talk themselves out of the final discussion.

There are a few things to keep in mind when scheduling your meeting:
–    Keep it neutral.  You want to meet where you both can be comfortable (as much as the situation allows anyway).  Your office would put you in the drivers seat, and your co-worker might be intimidated.  If you are comfortable with the idea, meeting in his/her office is not bad. If your Human Resources department is involved, the best place would be to meet in their office.  Neutral is important.
o    What you don’t want to do is meet in the office of a “friend/supervisor” who is attending the meeting to support you either. First of all, should they even be there?
– Keep it private. You also don’t want to meet in a public setting where others can overhear your conversation.  If you work in cubicles, this isn’t the place to have the confrontation.  Neither is the coffee room, lunchroom or washroom.

Be sure to close the door and keep your discussion private.  Don’t forget to give them a chance to respond either!

Good luck; sounds like you are on-the-right-track to solution.

Should You Walk Away?

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Last week Bill O’Reilly paid a visit to the set of The View.  In case you haven’t seen the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25uyFwWPOZg

Bill had a heated discussion with the ladies and said several very inflammatory comments.  Now lets be clear here, Bill O’Reilly enjoys pushing buttons and was probably well aware that his comments were inappropriate, but any publicity is good publicity for a guy like Bill right?

The View

The View

Both Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set.  They were unable to have an adult, logical discussion with Bill and were very upset by his comments.
Once they left Barbara Walters announced that we should be able to have discussions without washing our hands and walking away.

I completely disagree.

When you are dealing with a difficult person (as Bill O’Reillly was for Whoopie and Joy), and they are not willing to have an adult, logical discussion; why should you stay and keep trying?  Will anything be accomplished?

The ladies were emotional, upset and an adult, fair, logical discussion was not going to happen.  Walking away was smart on their part.

It would have been easy to say something that they would regret.  It would have been easy to call him an unprofessional name.  It would have been easy for them to destroy their own credibility.

It was smart to walk away in this situation.

I agree with Barbara that we “should” be able to have discussions without walking away in theory.  In reality, sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can do.

Know when to have a discussion, and know when to walk away.

Dealing with Difficult People Fan Page

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Hi,

I just thought I’d send you a quick note to let you know that I’ve just set up a Facebook Fan Page.

And obviously I think you should join.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself why should I join a “Fan Page,” when I’m already buried in Farmville requests?

Well quite simply, Fan Page is not my term. If I had to choose a better one, it would be “Get Useful Information Via Facebook Page.”

Well maybe not that exact phrase – but you get the point.

So here are the benefits to you:

All my informational outlets (blogs, Twitter, Linkedin and newsletters) are automatically routed to Facebook. So whenever something changes or gets updated, you’ll see that change or update in your news feed when you next log in. You’ll also be able to share it with others or comment directly.

It’s really about bringing everything together in a place where most people already have an account, so that you can get valuable insights and information when it is most convenient to you.

So take a second and “Like” me at this link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dealing-With-Difficult-People/166627780016958

What NOT to say during Confrontation!

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Don’t say it!

I was volunteering at water station a marathon recently.  The station was held on a residential street, so the street was closed off, all traffic diverted and the residents were asked to have their cars off the street no later than 8am.

Don't Swear!

Don’t Swear!

At 8:15am a man walked out his front door.  One of other volunteers asked him if the vehicle still on the street was his and could he please remove it.

Clearly this guy was not a morning guy, nor was he in support of the marathon.  He was rude, abusive and stubborn and was not going to be moving his vehicle.

As he went back into the house, one of the volunteers shouted at him “A—hole!”

So wrong!

Regardless of the situation, regardless of who is right or wrong; do not resort to name-calling or profanity.

This is guaranteed to put the situation or relationship at a new level of tension.

I’m pretty sure that several of the volunteers that morning were thinking that exact thought, but that doesn’t make it OK to voice the thought.

Name-calling is never the right answer.  Bite your tongue.  Every time.

Silence can be golden

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When someone pushes your buttons, the best thing you can do is let their verbal attack hang in the air.  Say  nothing.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.  You’ll continue the conversation later, when you are calmer and so are they.  Take a look at the confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you.  You’re an idiot.  I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re constantly messing up and I don’t want your advice!

Mike: (holds extended, silent eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

The attack seems to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.  Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Take the high road in situations such as this one. It will save you from saying something you’ll regret.

What is a bully?

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Dear Rhonda:  I’m working with someone I think is a bully.  She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way.  My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse.  What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with.  Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want  to get involved (Zogby study).  That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well.  If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences.  One person will be very direct, one will be passive.  One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not.  One person likes attention, and one does not.  Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying.  It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

What is a bully?

–       unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

–       someone who intends to harm the victim

–       is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

–       will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

–       has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective.  What does the bully get from bullying you?  What is their payoff?  Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)?  Why?

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

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Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.

When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.

Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check.  She lashed out in anger at me.  It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me.  It also instantly made me angry.

I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.

I said nothing in response.  I knew enough to keep quiet.  I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.

When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond.  Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy.  In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say.  If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.

Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.

You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

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Christopher

Christopher

Some times the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut, not to fight back and to take the high road.

Christopher is my 18-year-old son, and he has been working his past four summers at a local golf course. He knows what he is doing, has been doing it well (and training others), and the management at the golf course values Christopher.

Two weeks ago, Sam, an “older” gentleman was hired as a favour to the owner.  When I say older, I mean he is in his 60s.  To Christopher, this is the age of his grandfather and certainly someone worth respecting.

Chris was assigned the task of training Sam.  Unfortunately, Sam immediately tried to make changes; tell Chris that he was doing his job wrong, and basically cause quite a bit of tension in what should be a relaxing work environment.  Sam was very verbal, very negative and not at all respectful to his coworkers.  He felt that as the older person in the workplace, he knew better than the young kids he was working with.

Christopher has been keeping his mouth shut (which is hard for my 18-year-old outspoken son) while Sam has been complaining about Chris to everyone.  I’ve been coaching him to not say anything he will regret, and to take the high road.

Yesterday it all paid off for him.  Sam was blasting Chris in a public area (in front of other staff and customers) just when the wife of the owner walked in.  Needless to say, things are different at work today.

I would have been easy for Chris to give as good as Sam did. It certainly would have felt better.  It might have taken years instead of weeks for Sam’s true colours to show (if at all).  It may have caused Christopher a lot of stress in the interim.

It was still the right thing to do.  Chris can think of what he would have liked to say, but he doesn’t have to regret what he did say.  The other staff could see what Sam was doing, and Chris didn’t need to fight back in front of them.  He looks far more professional than the man three times his age.

Sam will be taken care of.  Christopher has no worries on his job.

Take the high road – do the right thing (even if it is difficult).  Plan your strategy, follow your plan, and be proud of your actions when dealing with your difficult person.

Are you breathing?

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Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person.  The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.

The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe!  Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.

It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).

 

Are you venting or solution oriented?

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Many times we are more focused on the “Confrontation” than we are the solution.  Do you mistake a confrontation for a vent session?  Do you go into your confrontation (or conversation) with a solution in mind, or are you just trying to vent with your difficult person?

Lets assume the issue is your coworker who is constantly asking you to “cover” for them while they are away from the office.  You’ve done this in the past, but are now uncomfortable with this arrangement and want it to stop. You’ve spoke to your coworker before and told her that you don’t want to continue.  She says OK, but is still disappearing, leaving you to make up excuses or explanations.

You’ve had enough and won’t cover for her anymore as she has pushed you one time to many.  When you approach her to discuss the situation, are you planning on venting on how unprofessional, how unfair she is being to you?  Do you want to explain all the reasons that you shouldn’t be covering for her?  Are you focused on any solution at all?

Instead of venting (although I realize you want to do this), stay focused on the solution – or end result you want.  Tell her that you are uncomfortable (explanation and venting are two different things), and that in the future you will not make excuses, you will simply say you  have no idea where your coworker is.

The solution is where you should be focused, not the venting.  The venting will create more tension, more frustration and no solution.

Keep focused – it will be worth it!

Words are permanent

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Words are dangerous.  Words hurt.  Words can leave scars.  Be very careful what you say when dealing with your difficult person.

It is easy to lash back. It is easy to say things that are meant to hurt in the middle of a confrontation, whether it is intentional or not.  When someone pushes our buttons we often strike back verbally without realizing the dangers of pushing back.  It is so tempting to want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting us.

Don’t.

The best thing you can do is to let a verbal attack hang in the air.  Say nothing at the time.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.

You’ll continue the confrontation/conversation at a later date.  At a date when you are calmer and so are they.

Have a look at a confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re so stupid and constantly messing up, there is no way I want your advice!

Mike: (Holds extended “silent” eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

Can you imagine if you were Mike?  The attack seemed to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.

Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Try it. It will save you from saying something you regret. Take the high road in situations such as this one.

You need to calm down!

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Calm Down

Calm Down

Doesn’t it drive you around the bend when someone tells you to calm down? That is about the worst thing you could possibly say to a person who has lost their cool. So don’t say it.  Ever.

I can appreciate that sometimes people get out of hand. I can appreciate that in order for us to proceed they are going to need to calm down.  However, telling them to calm down is like throwing grease on the fire – it will just cause a big blow up.

Instead of telling the other person to calm down, perhaps we need to say “I need to take a breather before we continue.  Perhaps we could continue this conversation in 45 minutes.”

I realize that when you are dealing with a client that option is not always available and you must deal with the situation immediately. Continue to speak calmly and with extra care – but don’t tell the other person to calm down!

Keep your own cool, and remind yourself to calm down – but don’t give that advice to an angry and difficult person. It will make matters much worse.  Breathe deeply …. But bite your tongue!

Your buttons

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Do you know where your buttons are?

You need to know what makes you jump.  You need to know what makes you react unprofessionally, and then you need to know how to keep your cool when one of those buttons are pushed.

I tested myself this weekend with my teenaged daughter.   For those of you who have teenagers, I’m sure you’ll agree that at times they absolutely fall into the “difficult people” category.

Victoria tried several times on Sunday to push my buttons.  She wanted to fight, and was getting very frustrated when I did not react the way she wanted me to.

That in itself was worth it.  She did however, manage to get under my skin, and I too, was frustrated.  I just didn’t give the reaction I normally give.  I did respond though.

A response is the thought-out version of a reaction.  I responded, meaning I didn’t ignore her; I didn’t let her get what she wanted (a fight).  I kept my cool, held firm, but didn’t allow her to push my buttons.

That felt nice for me.

That frustrated her.

That felt nice for me!

It isn’t about winning and losing, but it is about doing the right thing at the right time with your difficult person. I did the right thing by not letting Victoria push my buttons.  Can you do that today?

What can we learn from Conan and NBC?

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obrien-cp-getty-94025389It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC.  It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.

They both need to learn to SHUT UP!  When you have an argument with someone in your workplace, the worst thing you can do is tell everyone else what happened, who said what, who did what etc.

This seems to be the pattern for both Conan and NBC.  Both are thinking they are getting good press for what they are saying in the public.

Both are wrong.  Sadly, they both look juvenile, and I will have a hard time supporting either in the future.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  When something is going wrong, keep your mouth shut. If you need to discuss what is going on, be very careful about who you chat with (they likely will chat with someone else), and what you say.  Take your frustrations to your family, or someone in HR, but not to a coworker, or coworkers!

If either of them had taken the high road, I would have supported them.  In the workplace, I don’t need to take sides, but it would be hard to support someone who was so obviously childish and unprofessional.

Take my advice and keep the information out of the workplace setting.  You will make the situation far worse. I would rather regret that I didn’t say anything than regret telling everyone everything.

Avoidance

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Morgan is putting in our pool in our Florida vacation home.  He is a great guy, fun to chat with, does fantastic work, but he is very difficult to deal with because he is an avoider.

Morgan hates conflict, so he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, which isn’t always the truth.

Avoider

We’ve been having a major problem with final delivery date of the pool.  It was due weeks ago, and the pool is still not done.  Morgan won’t tell us exactly why (although we clearly see that his time management is the issue); instead he avoids the question.  When asked when we can see a completed pool, he will give me a date (like, “next Tuesday”), but when Tuesday arrives, he says, “Well, maybe Thursday.”

Avoider

He avoids saying the truth because he knows that I will be upset.  He avoids facing the issue because he is uncomfortable with confrontation.  He does everything he can to keep the waters calm, to keep me happy and to avoid talking about the why it is late and when it will be ready.

Initially it was very difficult to get angry with him because he was such a nice guy.  After missing the deadline by weeks, it was easier to be angry.

He doesn’t return phone calls.  He doesn’t tell the truth.  He doesn’t want to deal with the situation, which makes him a very difficult person in my eyes.

Is his behaviour intentional?  Partially.  I think he is deliberately not returning my calls because he doesn’t want to discuss the fact the pool is still not done.  When we see him in person, he changes the subject, dances around the issue, and avoids commitment.  Is that deliberate or innocent?  A bit of both.  He has “learned” to avoid conflict and he does it without realizing he is doing it.

The bad news is that there is no easy fix. I can’t force him to tell me the truth or return my phone calls.  What I can do is be very clear on what I want, without making it seem too confrontational.  I can call him every day, or every hour until he finally returns my call.  I can ask him to promise me it will be done.

But I can’t always win.  I can’t always get the truth, and I’m still not getting my pool delivered on time.

I can choose to never work with him again once the pool is finished though.  In a workplace, that isn’t so easy.  The best you can do is be aware you are dealing with an avoider, and be very clear on expectations.  You’ll still suffer from frustration, and they will still avoid uncomfortable situations and commitments.

Not everything that is faced can be easily changed, but by not facing an issue is guaranteeing that it won’t change.  Better to do something than nothing at all.

Taming your emotions

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Emotions

Lets face it, at this time of the year; emotions are closer to the surface.  It is easier to get upset, angry and much easier to lash out when we are operating from the heart and not the head.

Regardless, take your emotions out of the equation. Write down your issue on paper so you can see it in black and white.  Take away the word “feel” from the description of what is happening.  Think black and white and logical and stay away from emotional.  Try to imagine yourself giving advice to a friend instead of giving advice to yourself.

If you operate from a position of emotion, you run the risk of saying and doing the wrong thing.

Step back, take a deep breath, and look at the black and white.  This will allow you to say ON THE RIGHT TRACK with your difficult person this week.

Dealing with Negativity

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I am nonegativityt a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.

There are several approaches to dealing with negativity, and while none of them are easy, they are simple to do without compromising your credibility at work.

I’ll share my favourite approach today.  Try to do this for the next 30 days.  It won’t be easy.

Turn every negative statement they say into a positive one.

Them: “It’s too cold outside”
You: “I love my sweater and I can’t wear it in the summer.  The cold allows me to wear it and I like that”

Them: “This company takes advantage of us all the time”
You: “I’m glad I have a job”

Them: “Bob the Boss is such a jerk don’t you think?”
You: “I’ve heard horror stories, so put into perspective,  I can deal with Bob”

You don’t actually have to believe what you are saying; you just have to say the positive version of what your difficult person is saying.  You may think that Bob the Boss is a jerk too, but if you agree with their negativity, you are actually encouraging them to be negative more often.

You must be 100% consistent with this approach though.  Always take their negativity and make it positive.  This will exhaust you. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

This won’t make them a positive person.  It just makes them take their negativity elsewhere.

That’s OK with me 🙂

Are you dealing with an “Avoider:

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I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

An avoider is someone who hates confrontation. She would rather a situation sit and fester, than have to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us probably prefer to avoid rather than have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not me, that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an issue occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, and you might even arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you’re willing to deal with the issue.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful to use “I” language instead of “you” language (so that I didn’t put her on the defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared to say what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message was concise and outlined what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (thereby avoiding me altogether) asking to be removed from our distribution list and saying that she wanted to avoid further contact with our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly, professional way in which I was hoping we could deal with our misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about things, as I wanted to circumvent any hard feelings. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with sensitive issues via email. Email should be used as a confirmation tool, rather than a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she has been unwilling to co-operate.

Sometimes you will meet people who are not as professional or courteous—or courageous—as you are. Sometimes you will have to deal with sensitive situations in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be residual hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation here are my simple rules:

–            use “I” language, instead of “you” language;

–            avoid blame, and focus on resolving the situation;

–            be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, but rather are responding to it;

–            take the professional path (the high road), even in personal confrontations; and

–            know when to walk away.

I’m sorry that a simple misunderstanding has now become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation.

I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

——

Take the “High Road Less Travelled”

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It is important to never give in to your desire to lash out, fight back, or hurt your difficult person.  Tempting, but don’t do it.

I would rather regret something I didn’t say than regret something I did say.

This week, be sure that you are the consummate professional.  Be the one to take that high road.  You’ll find that the traffic up there is much lighter than the traffic on the unprofessional road.

Sometimes NOT giving in is right!

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The guy who cuts our grass is someone I would easily call a difficult person.  He is strongly opinionated.  He is right and anyone who even considers a different opinion is not only wrong, they are stupid.

That type of person is infuriating.  I sometimes feel it is my responsibility to get them to at least acknowledge a different point of view.  This is not smart on my part 🙂

I listened to Alan yesterday.  Actually, I heard what he said, but I refused to be baited by his urge to get into a political discussion with me.  I wanted to get into this conversation; I wanted to get him to listen to what I had to say; I wanted him to see a potentially different, and not necessarily wrong, viewpoint.

I didn’t though, which was completely the right thing to do. I smiled and didn’t say too much. I refused to get baited, I refused to fight back.  Fighting is exactly what Alan wanted me to do.  He wanted to prove how smart he was.  By refusing to argue, I didn’t give him what he wanted.  He was well aware that I didn’t agree with him, but I wouldn’t rise to the bait.

He left the discussion a little frustrated, and I left it incredibly proud of me.

That is hard to do day in and day out when you work with your difficult person.  It is hard not to get baited, it is hard not to give your difficult person the response they are looking for.  Don’t give in to this style of difficult person.  Even if every second time you meet with them that you can hold yourself back it will be worth it.

I was proud of myself for not getting into a no-win argument. I was equally pleased that I had frustrated Alan.  Mature?  Maybe not.  The right thing to do?  Absolutely!

Take a step back

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There is always another perspective, always another way to look at things, always two sides to every story.

Force yourself to try to see the opposite point of view, even if it sounds ridiculous to you.

Whenever Warren, my husband, and I are driving and he starts to complain about the other drivers, I make a point to find some crazy, often silly, viewpoint which would explain why the other person was driving that way.

As much as it drives Warren crazy, it does get my point across, and sometimes calms the situation a bit.

Your difficult person still may be difficult, but taking the time to find another viewpoint is worth your time.  Sometimes it defuses your tension and sometimes it provides a moment of clarity, but taking a step back is always a good idea.

Keep ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

Try the “Broken Record” Technique

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It’s OK to say to your difficult person “This isn’t a good time for me to finish this discussion” instead of getting into a confrontation that you aren’t prepared for.

When you are being railroaded into a confrontation to discuss and issue “here and now” you do not have to agree to their terms. You aren’t being difficult back, you are just taking some control over the circumstances.

Practice the “broken record” technique.

Calmly say “This isn’t a good time for me to finish this discussion” and refuse to baited into having the discussion now – especially when it isn’t a good time for you.

The best part of the broken record technique is that you don’t run out of things to say. You calmly repeat the same thing over and over again. Find a time to continue the discussion that works for both of you.

Good luck, and keep on-the-right-track this week!

Would a little compassion help?

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Is your person just difficult, or are they operating in fear mode? We are in a fear-based economy and health crises right now, and people are flat out afraid of the unknown.

What if H1N1 hits my family? What if my investments are worth nothing when I retire? What if Iose my job? What if my health care isn’t as good as I have now?

If you are working in any of those fear-based industries, you are probably dealing with a lot of difficult clients right now. Makes sense doesn’t it? Fear makes people act without thinking.

Empathy and compassion will go a long way. Put yourself in their shoes. They don’t have the information that you have, and they are in panic mode.

Does that help you keep your calm demeanor and not get as riled up about their poor behaviour?

I thought so. The next time one of your clients is demanding, unreasonable, and operating in an unprofessional manner, put yourself in their shoes. It doesn’t change that they are in the wrong, but you’ll be amazed at how your viewpoint changes and you are in a better position to deal with their behaviour.

Keep yourself ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

A lesson from Serena Williams – keep your cool!

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Serena Williams lost it at the US Open last weekend. Her temper got the best of her and she reacted emotionally, inappropriately and unprofessionally.

What gets lost in the story is the calmness with which the line judge held herself.

Had the line judge yelled and threatened back to Williams, then we would have all jumped to Williams’ defense.

How people feel about footfaults being called during high-level matches would be irrelevant if the line judge had fought back. She didn’t, which was the perfect response.  And that response put all the fault on Williams who, alone, will pay for her outburst. (Williams was fined $10,000, the maximum penalty allowed for unsportsmanlike conduct in tennis, not to mention the loss of an important match and the untold damage to her reputation.)

After being called on a footfault during her serve, Williams walked over to the line judge, making a threatening gesture with her racquet and reportedly told her, “If I could, I would take this ****  ball and shove it down your **** throat.”  It is also alleged she threatened to kill the line judge, although Williams vehemently denies it.

Read more and watch a six-minute video of the confrontation at http://tinyurl.com/m2p8ka

If you were the line judge, could you have kept your cool in that situation? Could you have received those comments without fighting back?

It is important to remember that when one person loses it, the other should do the complete opposite, and remain very calm.

Do not interrupt the other person. Imagine if the line judge had angrily responded, ‘Are you threatening me?’ Even though I know that type of retort would have been wrong, I can imagine myself responding that way.

An angry response would have escalated the argument to much higher levels and Williams could have charged that she had been provoked.

Let the other person have her tirade; let her finish. If appropriate, call a time-out by saying something along the lines of, ‘This is not a good time to finish this conversation. Let’s meet again this afternoon’ – then walk away. Do not continue the conversation when tempers are flaring.

The line judge didn’t respond to Williams, but instead quickly got the referee involved.  The line judge kept her cool, even though she felt physically threatened, believing that Williams was threatening her life. That is the calm, cool exterior we want to achieve when we are in a confrontation.

A lot can be learned from this episode. Williams should have done things differently, and I’m certainly hoping she regrets her inability to control her temper.

Learn from the line judge, the referee and even Williams, so you can avoid being the front page news story at your office.

I would be more effective working with you if…..?

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If I asked you the question, “I would be more effective work with “X” if…. (fill in the blank)”, how would you finish that question?

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if she worked somewhere else?

I would be more effective working with Mike if he had a better attitude, listened to what I was saying, didn’t go over my head at work etc etc?

That is a natural way to answer that question, but if you look at what you’ve said, you are asking your difficult person to change their behaviour.

That is not going to happen.

Every morning they get up and answer the above question about you:

I would be more effective working with Susan if she just left me alone!

You can’t make your difficult person change. What you can do is do something different so you get a different response/reaction from them.

Dealing with your difficult person isn’t about getting others to do what you want them to do (that makes you a difficult person). Dealing with difficult people is about learning to create the circumstances where you get what you need.

You don’t make another person be more positive, to listen better or arrive at work on time. You learn to create the circumstances where you are able to get what you need.

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if I didn’t let her complaining bother me.

I would be more effective working with John if I had more compassion for his personal life.

Not easy is it?

Have you ever heard the expression “If you marry your spouse planning to change them after the wedding, it makes for a very interesting first marriage”?

You can’t make people do what you want. They can’t make you do what they want.

You learn to adapt to the circumstances to get what you need (and not necessarily at the expense of the other person either).

How do you respond to inappropriate statements?

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Congressman Barney Frank (Mass) became a bit of a celebrity this week by answering what many would consider an inappropriate question with an attack back: “Mam, what planet do you spend most of your time on?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYlZiWK2Iy8

While it made for an entertaining news clip, it was not the correct way to handle this lady. He followed it up by saying “Having a conversation with you is like having a conversation with the dining room table, and I have no interest.” Again, he blew it. He looks immature, irresponsible and completely unprofessional.

It is tempting to resort to sarcastic low blows, to embarrass or fight back, but in a professional environment, you risk your own reputation and credibility by doing so. If you watch the above clip, he looks like the difficult person at the end of it, and I almost felt sorry for the woman.

Don’t do this regardless of how tempting it is.

Mr. Frank should have taken the “camouflage” technique to deal with this woman. To camouflage means to disguise the question/statement. I describe it as being deliberately naive when responding to it.

What should have happened:

Lady: “Why do you continue to support a Nazi policy…”

Mr. Frank: “I support this policy because….”

He should have deliberately left out the Nazi comment and continued.

This way the situation would not have escalated the way it did.

If we want to “take the high road” and we want to appear as the professional in any situation, we have to strategize our approach. Refuse to be baited by your difficult person, or difficult situations.

I bet that later that evening Mr. Frank regretted how he handled this woman. I also bet that if he had used the camouflage technique he would have been proud of himself.

Are YOU the problem?

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Yesterday, I received an email from Sue that made me chuckle. She realized that she was the difficult person at work.

I laughed and advised Sue not to worry, as we are all someone’s difficult person.

Whoever you have labeled your difficult person has likely labeled you as their difficult person.

Why? Because at the moment, your difficult person is blocking you from getting what you want. You react to their negativity, their laziness … whatever it is they are doing that bothers you. You do everything you can to make them stop this behaviour.

For instance, lets say your difficult person is chronically negative. Every day they complain about something (the weather, the economy, the boss etc). You don’t like this and try to change your difficult person into a more positive person. So, they say “I can’t believe its raining again! I’m going to start building the ark.” You are annoyed that they let the weather bother them, so your response (to be positive) is “I love summer rain. It makes everything so green and lush and everything smells so nice. How can you complain about something so beautiful?” … and you put a big smile on your face.

Your difficult person (because they are chronically negative) labels you as difficult because you constantly disagree with them (they see you as someone who is telling them they are always wrong).

Naturally, they don’t like this behaviour and therefore label you as difficult.

If you don’t want to be difficult, then stop letting their behaviour bother you, and stop getting in their way!

Not so easy is it?

You need to do something different in order to get your needs filled. Don’t fall into the trap that if you are stronger than they are, you will win. You might – and you might not, but either way, you are being difficult.

I assume that you don’t want to be difficult (I certainly don’t), so start evaluating how you are hurting your own efforts and start taking some creative (and different) approaches to getting your difficult person to change.

Can you detach?

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Do you take the actions of your difficult person personally?  Do you think that they sit at home at night and plot how to ruin your next day?  Do you feel that they have it in for you (and are trying to get you fired, look bad or worse)?  Of course you do.

One of the best things that you can do when dealing with your difficult person is to detach from the situation.  You have become emotionally involved and it is affecting your ability to deal with them.

OK, maybe they do have something against you.  Maybe they really are trying to get you fired, and maybe it is about you.  Realistically that rarely happens and it really isn’t about you (perhaps your position, your name, your status), but it doesn’t feel that way, so we take everything personally and get emotionally involved.  Admit it, you have lain awake at night trying to figure out why they do this to you right?

Here’s a few quick tips on how to detach from this situation:

–    Realize that they would behave this way to someone.  Remember – they act this way because there is a payoff for them. There is a reason.  The payoff for their behaviour is such that they will act like this with someone – it just happens to be you

–    Place a barrier between you and your difficult person.  Imagine it is an invisible shield that you put up whenever they enter the room, or whenever their name is brought into conversation.  Protect yourself from taking it personally

–    Watch how they treat others, and realize they do this to others as well (it is not just you)

–    Play a game with yourself.  Predict what their response, or action will be, and if you are correct, offer yourself a reward. For example, every time they speak in a condescending tone to you, you can stop at Dairy Queen.  Once it becomes a game to you, you almost look forward to their bad behaviour as you get a reward

–    Practice ‘letting go’ of your emotional reaction with them

I realize it is all easier than it sounds, but in order for you to deal with your difficult person professionally, respectfully and consistently, you will need to become detached.

Go ahead, practice, and start counting points for your team!

What are your triggers?

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I admit it; condescension is one of my triggers.  I know that as soon as I “hear” condescension in someone else’s voice, I trigger a response.  That response is typically negative, potentially confrontational, and often unprofessional.

Our difficult people know where our triggers are, and you can be sure that they enjoy pushing them just to get a reaction from us.

Take this week to recognize what pushes your buttons, and what causes a negative reaction from you.  The more you are aware that these are potential danger spots, the more likely you are to avoid reacting negatively when they are pushed.

Pay close attention to your difficult person.  Where are your triggers with them?

The more in control you are, the easier it is to deal with your difficult person.

This is just about you

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Don’t bring others into your confrontations/conversations.  It doesn’t matter that you aren’t the only one who feels this way, or that others agree with you.

Confrontation (and conversations about difficult situations) are between you and your difficult person only.

If you say “Julie feels the same way” then you have guaranteed to derail the conversation to no longer be about the issue, but about that Julie and others feel that way as well.  Your difficult person will become fixated on Julie and others instead of the issue at hand.

Besides, you have potentially created a disaster for Julie as well.

Keep on-the-right-track this week!

Scars last forever

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Forgive; sounds good

Forget; I don’t think I could

They say time heals everything, I’m still waiting.

Those are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs by the Dixie Chicks, and they directly apply to dealing with difficult people.

If you have someone who truly is a diffiult person, and if you have one of those “dreaded” confrontations, there is likely to be some type of scar.  Perhaps it will scare you away from confrontation in the future, perhaps it will make you jump faster when someone crosses the line the next time.  Whatever the result, dealing with difficult people and confrontations will leave it’s mark on you.

Make sure you are prepared before you have your confrontation.  Make sure you are prepared before you say anything.  This means to plan what you are going to say instead of relying on your instinct to say the right thing (that is not likely to happen).  Make an appointment, schedule a time to talk, but avoid saying what is on your mind as it is happening (bite your tongue!).

You may be able to forgive, you may not be able to forget, but it is up to you what you say, how you say it, and when you say it.  Take control so that you can heal from the situation.