Written By: THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF LEADERSHIP AND SUCCESS
https://www.nsls.org/blog/leading-difficult-people
Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.
Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.
Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”
Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.
THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.
According to the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), there are 11 behaviors that difficult people often have, which include:
Poor job performance
Doesn’t work well with others
Doesn’t respond to coaching
Resistant to change
Not responsible for their own actions
Has a negative attitude
Poor work ethic
Displays arrogance
Poor communication skills
Mismatched between skills and actual job
Relies on “Yes, but…” weaknesses
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:
Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.
HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?
Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.
1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.
For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.
To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.
Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.
2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.
You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.
A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.
Other tips for making sure the communication process goes smoothly:
Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.
Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.
Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.
Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful. Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare. Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.
3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.
While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.
Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.
Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:
Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.
4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.
If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.
LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.
Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.
Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-06-03 12:50:362024-06-06 07:06:224 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Written By: THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF LEADERSHIP AND SUCCESS
https://www.nsls.org/blog/leading-difficult-people
Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.
Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.
Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”
Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.
THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.
According to the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), there are 11 behaviors that difficult people often have, which include:
Poor job performance
Doesn’t work well with others
Doesn’t respond to coaching
Resistant to change
Not responsible for their own actions
Has a negative attitude
Poor work ethic
Displays arrogance
Poor communication skills
Mismatched between skills and actual job
Relies on “Yes, but…” weaknesses
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:
Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.
HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?
Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.
1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.
For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.
To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.
Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.
2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.
You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.
A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.
Other tips for making sure the communication process goes smoothly:
Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.
Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.
Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.
Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful. Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare. Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.
3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.
While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.
Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.
Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:
Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.
4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.
If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.
LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.
Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.
Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-06-03 12:50:362024-06-06 07:06:224 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Have you ever had a relationship with someone, and it immediately didn’t feel right? It felt like there was some tension in the relationship, and you weren’t sure why?
Unintentionally, we often create conflict. We rarely see that we are at fault and are often unsure why there is tension in the relationship. Sometimes things feel off, and we can’t figure out what went wrong and where it went wrong.
Here are three ways we create conflict or tension in relationships, along with the solutions to avoid it moving forward.
We all have a basic psychological to be valued and treated as individuals. We don’t want to feel like one of the crowd; we want to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized.
Sometimes, we create conflict by not valuing the other person or treating them as an individual. Years ago, my husband and I would go to our local church each week. We would show up, and every week someone at the door would say, “Welcome to our church.” Which we loved, followed by, “Are you new here?” The first couple of times, I thought, isn’t that nice? But after we kept going for months and months and months, and they kept asking us, “Are you new here?” I thought, why don’t you see me here each week? Why don’t you remember? It started to create tension as I wasn’t feeling part of the community I wanted to be part of. I didn’t want to go to this church because I wasn’t feeling valued or recognized.
As someone who travels, I have my favorite airlines and hotels. I love it when I walk into a hotel, and they say, “Welcome back.” You know as well as I do that the person behind the desk doesn’t remember me, and I don’t remember them, but they know that I’m a frequent guest at the hotel or a frequent flyer, and they say, “Welcome back.” That makes me feel recognized and valued.
How do you recognize and value the people that you work with? When you’ve worked with a client before, and they call you up, do you say, “It’s nice to hear from you again”? Do you keep files on your clients?
My dentist keeps notes of my visits. One visit, she said, “Last time we were speaking, you were on your way to New York City. How was it?” It always makes me feel like she values me. She creates a relationship with me. Imagine if every time I went to the dentist, she said, “Now what is it you do again?” I would not feel valued and recognized, which would create tension or even conflict because I remember her. You can imagine my thought process is, “I’m giving you all this money, and you don’t remember me?”
The solution is easy; start remembering people. Start treating them with value and recognition. Yes, she creates notes on each patient and reads them before she treats us. I don’t expect that she actually remembers without her notes, but once she jogs her memory on our last visit, she can easily make me feel valued.
People also require self-esteem. If they don’t feel good about themselves or feel good about the interaction, it will create conflict or tension unintentionally.
Let’s assume you’re sitting around a board room table, and Sarah walks into the meeting late, and Frank says, “Oh, it’s about time you got here. You need a class on time management?” To begin, the comment is inappropriate. The comment is likely to be meant as a joke and make light of the fact that Sarah arrived at the meeting late. Instead, it embarrasses them by pointing out that they were late. Did the comment create conflict or tension? Yes.
I have a dry, witty, sarcastic sense of humor that can easily create conflict, although that is not my intention. My goal is to be funny, but when my goal is at someone else’s expense, I’ve unintentionally embarrassed them or made them the butt of my joke. I’ve created conflict or tension if my humor is at someone else’s expense.
Start to look at your interactions, humor, those quick one-liners we all use. Do they embarrass (even in jest) another? If so, ask yourself if that is your intention. If it isn’t (and shouldn’t be), you need to recognize that you might be unintentionally creating conflict or tension. Stop doing it.
We also have an unbelievable need to be fair. We know as adults that life is not fair, and this seems like a strange way to create conflict. Conflict will be created when something is perceived as not fair.
For instance, let’s assume a new job is posted within your company and you’ve applied for it. You feel that you are the most qualified, the most senior, and the most deserving candidate; however, the person who did get the job is relatively junior and at the company for a short period of time. In your mind, you might say, “That’s not fair,” and between the two of you, conflict will occur. The other person has no idea there is conflict or tension, but you do as you are upset with the decision of others. Can you sincerely congratulate them and wish them the best of luck with no ill feelings? For many of us, that would be hard as we felt that we should be in the job. That’s the tension it created. It wasn’t fair they got the job when you perceived yourself as better qualified.
We all know life is not fair. However, anytime there is a perception of the situation not being fair, conflict will arise. We need always to be aware of that. Ensure you are treating people equitably and fair.
Creating tension or conflict in relationships is unintentional; however, there are times we are all guilty of doing so. Analyze your working conversations and situations to ensure that you aren’t the one who is damaging the relationship.
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-27 09:50:012024-06-06 07:20:00Do You Create Conflict or Tension with Others?
Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations
We’ve all been there – faced with the daunting task of engaging in a conversation that feels like treading on thin ice. Both in our personal and professional settings, difficult conversations are inevitable. Yet, as challenging as they may seem, they often hold the key to unlocking growth and strengthening relationships. Dive in, and let’s unpack this.
The Anatomy of Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations often come with a whirlwind of emotions, making them charged with potential misunderstandings. It’s essential to understand the significance of these discussions. Why? Because they matter – they shape our interactions, relationships, and outcomes.
Common scenarios that often require careful navigation include:
Performance issues with employees: Discussing lackluster performance can be tricky, but it’s essential for the growth of both the individual and the organization.
Customer dissatisfaction or complaints: No business wants unhappy customers, but addressing their concerns with empathy and understanding can turn detractors into promoters.
Setting boundaries or declining requests: Saying ‘no’ is never easy, but it’s sometimes necessary to maintain balance and integrity.
Preparation for the Conversation
Have you ever heard the saying, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail“? It’s especially true here. Preparing for a challenging conversation can be the difference between a fruitful and disastrous discussion.
Setting clear objectives is paramount:
What is the desired outcome? Are you looking for a resolution, understanding, or something else?
What needs to be addressed or communicated? Being clear on your points prevents you from wandering off track.
What is the personality style of the person you are communicating with, and how must you plan your conversation delivery for them?
It’s also wise to anticipate potential reactions. If you can predict how the other party might respond, you can prepare suitable responses or solutions.
Lastly, choosing the proper environment is crucial:
Neutral: Ensure the location doesn’t favor one party.
Private: Confidential matters should stay confidential.
Free from distractions: You want the focus to remain on the conversation.
Key Strategies for Effective Communication
Mastering the art of communication is a lifelong journey, but its rewards in navigating difficult conversations are immeasurable. Effective communication can mean the difference between escalating and resolving a situation harmoniously. Let’s delve deeper into some of these essential strategies.
Active Listening
Active listening goes beyond just hearing words; it involves immersing oneself in the essence of what’s being communicated. It’s about genuine engagement.
Truly hearing the other party’s perspective: It’s easy to get caught up in formulating our following argument while someone else is talking. Resist this urge. Instead, focus on understanding the message, emotions, and nuances they convey. Doing so provides clarity and fosters a sense of respect and validation for the other person.
Avoiding interruptions or immediate counterarguments: Let’s be honest; no one likes to be interrupted. It sends a message that what they’re saying isn’t valuable. Allowing the other party to finish their thoughts creates a space of mutual respect.
The Power of “I” Statements
Pointing fingers rarely leads to productive outcomes. However, using “I” statements personalizes your feelings and reactions without making it about the other person’s actions.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I express my thoughts.” This slight shift in phrasing fosters understanding rather than defensiveness.
Open-Ended Questions
These questions can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They encourage a more comprehensive response and deeper thinking.
For instance, asking, “How did that make you feel?” instead of “Did that upset you?” can lead to richer insights and greater clarity for both parties involved.
Managing Emotions
Tensions can run high during difficult conversations. But remember, losing control of emotions can derail even the most well-intentioned discussion.
Taking breaks if needed: If the conversation is becoming overly heated, suggesting a short break is perfectly okay. This lets both parties gather their thoughts and approach the discussion with renewed calmness.
Practicing deep breathing or other calming techniques: Physical responses to stress, like elevated heart rate or faster breathing, can amplify feelings of anger or anxiety. Taking slow, deep breaths can help regulate these responses and maintain clarity of thought.
Solutions Over Problems
It’s easy to get bogged down discussing problems. However, spending all our energy dissecting what went wrong might miss the chance to find a way forward. You can always steer the conversation towards potential solutions. This proactive approach addresses the issue at hand and reinforces the idea that both parties are working together towards a common goal.
The Power of “What and How” Questions
For years, we have taught teams the five whys to get to the root of a problem. Boy, were we wrong? Yes, five whys may work, but why questions imply judgment like “Why did that happen? “What and How questions help us discuss the situation without judgment, and the other person does not become defensive.
Turning Challenges into Relationship-Building Opportunities
Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks; they can be setups for a stronger bond.
By showing vulnerability and authenticity, you lay a foundation of trust.
Empathy plays a huge role in this:
Seeking to genuinely understand the other’s perspective: Stepping into their shoes can provide invaluable insights.
Expressing genuine concern and care: Showing genuine care can melt barriers.
Discover common ground and shared values. It’s surprising how commonality can be found when looking for it.
After the conversation, committing to follow-up actions and ensuring follow-through is crucial. This shows the results of your talk.
Lastly, always emphasize the importance of open communication in the future. Today’s difficult conversations can pave the way for easier ones tomorrow.
Post-Conversation Reflection and Growth
After navigating the murky waters of a challenging discussion, take a moment to reflect.
Evaluating the outcomes:
Were objectives met? Did you achieve what you set out to?
Were both parties heard and understood? This ensures that there’s no lingering resentment or misunderstanding.
Identify learning opportunities:
What went well? Celebrate these victories.
What could be improved in the future? This will make future discussions even more effective.
Building on this experience can pave the way for more fruitful conversations.
Conclusion
Difficult conversations aren’t necessarily a roadblock; they can be bridges to deeper understanding and stronger relationships. Embrace them. With the proper training, strategies, and mindset, effective communication can turn challenges into opportunities, fostering relationships that stand the test of time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-21 08:47:222024-06-06 07:17:05Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations
Whether they are personal or professional, no one likes having difficult conversations. They make you anxious and uncomfortable, and they make the other person anxious and uncomfortable. But they need to be done. If we avoid them, we create a much bigger situation that is harder to fix.
Here are five quick tips to ensure your difficult conversations don’t go sideways.
Be prepared. Don’t assume you can wing this conversation. There is too much at stake to mess it up. Figure out what your issue is so you can keep focused. What is the solution you are hoping for, and what questions should you ask to ensure the conversation heads in the right direction.
This means you need to think about the conversation instead of automatically assuming it will go well. Think about what could go wrong, how things could be misunderstood, and how the other person feels hearing what you have to say.
Schedule a time to talk. You cannot ambush the other person. It would help if you gave them time to prepare for the conversation. Just because the two of you are alone in the elevator does not mean you should have the conversation then and there.
Schedule a place that is private and professional. Make sure others cannot hear you.
Be comfortable with silence. As much as you have scheduled a time and place to speak, so you don’t ambush the other person, ensure that you don’t turn this difficult conversation into a lecture. Give the other person the opportunity to digest what you are saying and respond to it as well. You’ve had time to think about what and how you want to say something. They haven’t had the same opportunity.
When you ask a question, be sure to wait a full ten seconds for the other person to respond before you say something else. It is a conversation, not a lecture. Give them time to respond.
Do NOT email. I know that many people want to email this difficult conversation as it is easier to plan out what you want to say as well as to give you and the other person time to digest before a response is expected. However, it never goes according to plan.
We want the paper trail to show how we responded professionally and respectfully. I can almost guarantee the other person doesn’t read your email in the same tone you intended. They will read sarcasm or insult to your words. And you will do the same with theirs.
Email always backfires.
Don’t bring others into it. It is tempting to say, “I am not the only one who feels this way,” to justify why we are having this difficult conversation. Only, that line never offers justification; it derails the conversation instantly.
Instead of talking about the issue, we are now talking about who else is talking about them behind their back? It feels like they’ve been the subject of office gossip, and that never feels good. It will be hard to stay focused on the issue at hand as their focus will be on “who else feels this way.”
Difficult Conversations are called difficult for a reason. They take the nerve to have the conversation and the will to ensure it is respectful and successful. Neither are easy, but these tips will ensure they are successful!
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-13 07:59:382024-05-13 08:00:26Tips for Having Difficult Conversations
I have a (former) friend with whom I refuse to go to dinner anymore. She returns the food to the kitchen 100 percent of the time. She doesn’t like her hairdresser, complains about how she is treated in hotels, and is a nightmare to work with. She is constantly complaining about the service she gets everywhere she goes.
Before I realized this was her norm, I asked her about always returning her meal to the kitchen at a restaurant. She explained to me that she felt she worked very hard for her money and expected the best when she spent it. If she returned it to the kitchen, it would come back super hot and fresh. She also giggled and explained that many times, she also got a free dessert or a discount on her meal.
I stopped eating in restaurants with her after that meal.
It was her personality that made her so difficult. She would have never agreed that she was a difficult person, but instead felt that she was assertive and stood up for herself.
Statistically, 2 percent of the population falls into the category of “difficult people.” Some days, I run into a month’s worth of 2 percent all in one day.
Which begs the question, why? Why do some people consistently make the world a more challenging place? Why do some people treat others poorly? Why don’t they ever realize they are difficult and change?
1. Insecurity or self-esteem. Imposter syndrome affects everyone differently. I tend to be a bit quiet and shy when I’m feeling imposter syndrome, but some people feel the need to compensate or overexaggerate how important they are. We’ve all seen the braggarts and wondered why they felt the need to treat other people as if they were ‘less than’ them.
2. Payoff. Every action we take is prompted by something we want or get. In my Dealing with Difficult People workshops, I call that the “payoff.” We all do what we do because we get something from it. The payoff can be various reasons: control, competitiveness, attention, the need to be right, etc. Your colleague is chronically negative (it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too wet, too green, too brown, too white) because they are (in their opinion) just making conversation. Their payoff is that they are a good conversationist. They don’t see themselves as negative.
Think about it—what do people love to do? Complain. It can be the weather, politics, or your favorite sports team. They would never consider themselves negative. Their payoff is that it starts conversation (and it always does, right?).
My friend’s payoff in the example above is that she had fresh hot food and occasionally something for free. Her payoff is that she feels acknowledged.
3. Entitlement. Similar to insecurity and even payoff, some people feel they are more special than others and deserve things that others don’t.
4. Personality Traits: Some people have inherently difficult personalities, such as being stubborn, confrontational, or overly critical. They feel more difficult if we are not the same or sometimes if we are.
In transparency, I can be stubborn (this won’t surprise some of you). I can dig in and fight if the situation warrants it, and I find it frustrating/difficult when I meet someone who does the same to me. Our personality traits are similar, and yet we find one another difficult.
5. Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. I am a direct communicator and am sometimes considered too aggressive or difficult (although I don’t perceive my communication as aggressive or difficult). Others may be passive-aggressive or overly direct, which can be difficult for others to navigate.
6. Past Experiences: Past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or negative experiences can shape someone’s behavior and make them defensive or guarded in certain situations. This may manifest as difficulty.
7. Emotional State: People experiencing stress, anxiety, or other emotional challenges may exhibit difficult behavior to cope with their emotions.
8. Lack of Empathy: Some people may lack empathy or have difficulty understanding others’ perspectives, making it hard for them to relate to or connect with others. Their lack of compassion may be perceived as a difficult person.
9. Control Issues: People who need to control situations or others may exhibit difficult behavior when they feel their control is threatened. Oh yes, we all might be guilty here!
10. Cultural Differences: Cultural norms and values can influence behavior, leading to misunderstandings or conflicts when people from different cultural backgrounds interact.
It’s not about you! I know this isn’t why they are difficult, but if you look at the answers above, you’ll see that none of them are about you. It is extremely rare that people are difficult just to annoy you! They are reacting to their environment and situation and getting something they need rather than trying to ruin your day.
So, the next time you encounter a difficult person, go through this checklist and ask yourself why they are being so difficult. Once we can diagnose their “why,” it is often easier to deal with their behavior.
My former friend and I are no longer friendly for reasons I’m not sure. When I look at her motivation for being so difficult, I end up with entitlement. She feels she deserves special treatment. She isn’t worried about how hard others work for their money (it is never about the other person), but she feels she is entitled to special treatment for whatever invisible reason. She is “better” than the other people in the restaurant (or salon, hotel, etc).
While I’m sorry we aren’t friends, as I’d like to analyze her more (LOL), it is helpful to understand why she shows these tendencies to be so difficult. It helps me to hold back from yelling at her when she treats people in a way that is unacceptable to me. When you can diagnose, it is easier to understand and respond to (instead of reacting to).
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-06 07:26:222024-06-06 07:01:48Why are Difficult People Difficult?
You’ve got a colleague who deliberately leaves you off the email discussion, doesn’t invite you to meetings, openly seems hostile to you, and you are pretty sure they are talking smack behind your back to others. You know they not only don’t like you, but it feels like they are trying to get you fired!
Are you working with a difficult person, a bully, or is it actual harassment?
You’ve tried every technique you can to work with them. You’re uber polite, you go extra lengths to ensure you aren’t reacting to their treatment of you, and you spend countless hours worrying about why they are targeting you.
And nothing works. It may be time to contact your union representative, senior leadership, or human resources. Before you do, you want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not the “different personalities clashing” but, instead, legitimate harassment.
Does what they are doing qualify as harassment? Will your company take you seriously or tell you to grow up and act like adults? We know that regardless of the treatment’s title (harassment or not), it can deeply affect you. We also know that unless it does qualify as harassment, there is often very little a company can do about working with unprofessional and mean people.
Before you assume nothing can be done, let’s examine the types of workplace harassment that exist.
Please note that I am not giving you legal advice.
**Discriminatory Harassment:**
Epithets, slurs, jokes, negative stereotyping, or threatening, intimidating, or hostile acts that relate to a person’s race, color, religion, gender, national origin, age, disability, or other protected characteristics are discriminatory harassment. They create an intimidating or offensive environment for the victim and violate their rights to a fair and respectful workplace.
**Personal Harassment:**
If you are being subjected to offensive remarks for reasons not related to race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics, it could be personal harassment. For example, you could be harassed because someone is making fun of your stutter or how you walk. You feel belittled or undermined on either a personal or professional level. This form of harassment can deeply affect an individual’s confidence and mental health. This is classic bullying.
**Online Harassment or Cyberbullying:**
With the rise of technology and social media, online harassment has become increasingly prevalent. Cyberbullies may spread rumors, send threatening messages, or engage in other harmful behavior through digital platforms, creating distress and anxiety for their victims.
**Physical Harassment or Workplace Violence:**
I once heard a story of how an EA was on the receiving end of a stapler being hurled at her and another where the manager stomped on her mobile phone (the rule said no mobile phones at work). Both of these examples qualify as they involve a physical attack, property damage, or threats of harm. In extreme cases, it may escalate to physical assault, posing serious risks to the victim’s safety and well-being.
**Power Harassment:**
If you feel that your job or employment is being threatened by a supervisor, you might feel helpless and vulnerable, like you have no choice but to “take it.” If there is a power imbalance between the target and the harasser (who could be your manager or supervisor), you might be experiencing power harassment. Of course, this is harder to prove unless you have documentation that your job is being threatened, etc.
**Retaliation Harassment:**
Retaliation harassment occurs when individuals target others as a form of revenge or to prevent certain behaviors. This can create a toxic cycle of harassment and retaliation within the workplace, further exacerbating tensions and conflicts. For instance, if you didn’t prioritize a task the way your harasser wanted you to, they retaliate and don’t approve your vacation request on time, etc., or they threaten to call the police about a family member’s behavior.
**Sexual Harassment:**
Sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual advances or behavior, creating a hostile work environment for the victim. Quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs when a superior demands sexual favors in exchange for employment benefits or threatens negative consequences for refusal.
There are situations that happen every day that don’t fall into these categories, and organizations struggle to know what to do. However, if your situation is defined by one of these categories, the problem is much easier to deal with.
Don’t assume your company, Human Resources department, or union won’t help you. If you qualify – they will help you. We need to prevent harassment in all forms so that everyone can work in a safer, more supportive environment.
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not from artificial intelligence.
Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.
She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.
Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.
It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.
Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.
You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.
Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.
Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.
Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.
Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.
Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:
“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”
Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?
However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.
From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;
– You sent an email without speaking to me first
– I was embarrassed and mortified
– You should know I wouldn’t exclude you
– I had a limited number of people for the training
– I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others
– Why did you do all of this?
All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.
“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”
That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.
Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-04-16 07:05:172024-04-16 07:05:17Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity
As a trauma-informed life coach, I help victims of narcissistic abuse to love and value themselves so they never allow toxic relationships into their lives again.
Do you dread going to work? Are you feeling so stressed out that when you’re away from your job, it’s all you can talk about? Are you working round the clock trying to prove yourself but the goalposts keep shifting? Are you tying yourself in knots trying to please your boss while at the same time, you’re terrified of them? Are you spending your work hours on edge, overwhelmed and burned out?
The term narcissist has become a buzzword for anyone who has a moderate dose of toxic traits. The thing is, in a stressful work environment, any one of us could behave badly on occasion. However, our empathy and shame keep us in check. We apologize, make amends and vow to do better.
The narcissistic boss expresses these negative characteristics on a daily basis. They have no shame and they feel no empathy. They feel perfectly justified abusing and exploiting those around them. They are bullies.
Instead of worrying about whether your boss is a narcissist or not, focus on yourself. Identify the coping mechanisms that are keeping you stuck in an abusive situation. The questions you need to ask yourself are NOT, “why is this happening to me?” Or, “is my boss a narcissist?” But, rather:
“Why am I tolerating this?”
“What limiting beliefs are enabling me to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe environment?”
“What inside of me thinks it is okay or normal to stay in an unsafe environment?”
This is where your work lies.
The sad truth is, if you don’t take care of yourself, you are the one that is going to come off second best.
“Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.” — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
As a personality disorder, narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its extreme, a malignant narcissist will maliciously sabotage your career. Hurting people is a game to them. It makes them feel powerful, omnipotent and in control. At the lesser end of the spectrum, you have a lazy, self-absorbed boss. They steal your ideas and swing between praising you and devaluing you.
All narcissists are energy vampires. They create drama to feed off your negative emotions. You find yourself walking on egg-shells and performing acrobatics to please them — to no avail. Narcissists are dismissive, entitled and grandiose. The moment anyone else captures the spotlight, they become jealous, envious and resentful.
Narcissistic bosses see their employees as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. As an employee, your primary role is to affirm your narcissistic boss’s grandiose self image. They are amazing, talented, sexy rock stars and you are one of their groupies. You are lucky to even be in their presence. Working for such a godlike icon is a gift and you better appreciate it.
Your primary role is to mirror to them how wonderful they are. Your job is to admire, praise and generally provide fuel for the narcissist’s inflated ego. There is no room for your creativity, strength, contribution or ideas. If they do not uplift your narcissistic boss’s reputation, they’re dismissed. You are not allowed to shine.
A narcissistic boss does not see you as an equal contributor. They have an inflated sense of their own importance and see themselves as above mere mortals such as you. You are and always will be a subordinate. If your narcissistic boss sees potential in you, they will view it as a direct threat. Instead of mentoring and growing you, they will sabotage you and drive you out of the company. They will heap praise and privileges onto those they can manipulate and use to do their bidding.
At their core, a narcissist is insecure. They will do whatever it takes to protect their false self. The classic narcissistic abuse cycle is: Idealize or love-bomb, devalue and discard. At first, your narcissistic boss idealizes you. You can do no wrong and you feel confident in your role. As time passes, you fail to remain as a fresh source of narcissistic supply. To extract the same levels of narcissistic supply from you, they begin to devalue you. They switch from positive reinforcement to negative reinforcement. Eventually, you are forced to leave, which is the discard.
Signs your boss is toxic or narcissistic
1. Micromanaging and Nitpicking.
Suddenly, your work is not up to scratch. You are criticized, ignored, abused and invalidated. What starts as small criticisms, escalates. You have sleepless nights trying to figure out what you have done or said wrong.
You have done nothing wrong!
Your narcissistic boss is manipulating and devaluing you on purpose. They feed off your negative reactions. It’s a game to them and a way of getting narcissistic supply. The longer you stay in the game, the longer the abuse will continue. It will never stop — it will only escalate and get worse. If for some reason, your boss is playing nice, it’s only because they want or need something from you.
The criticism is not constructive. Rather, it’s intended to confuse and devalue you and your work. Use the grey rock technique.
2. Watching your every move.
Narcissists are paranoid and they are control freaks. Your narcissistic boss insists you fill out timesheets. Every second of your day is monitored. Spyware follows your keystrokes on your computer. Cameras capture your every move. You feel watched and spied on. Flying monkeys aka The Chosen Ones report back to the narcissist.
3. They devalue you by depersonalizing you.
Instead of in-person communication, all communication is via email. Whenever you want to schedule a meeting they fob you off or don’t show up.
4. Withholding.
Narcissistic bosses will abuse you by withholding information. They also withhold praise, raises and promotions. They exclude you from important meetings and emails.
5. Narcissistic bosses give low performance reviews.
Despite your good work and ability to reach or exceed your targets, you repeatedly get passed over for promotion. They refuse your requests for a salary increase without a valid reason. These are clear signs that you are not valued and they don’t care about you. Document all the work you’ve put in so that you can back up your performance review with actual data. There’s a good chance they will falsely accuse you of under-performing. Value yourself and find a new job that values you!
6. Your narcissistic boss takes work away from you and gives you awful briefs.
They are letting you know they don’t value you. They may also be punishing you for some perceived slight.
7. They smear your name.
Out of the blue, your colleagues seem cold and distant. Trust your gut on this one and get to work on your exit strategy. It’s not your fault, you are dealing with a toxic personality. You cannot win against a narcissist. You are a threat to them and they want you gone.
Narcissistic bosses don’t like strong, creative people who are independent and autonomous. They prefer people they can manipulate and use. In a weird way, being the target of a narcissistic boss is a compliment. It’s a sign that you are not someone who can be easily manipulated! It’s a sign that you are strong and that you deserve better.
Narcissistic bosses keep “yes-men and yes-women” around them. They need people who are sycophants and will do their bidding. It’s not about performance or skill set with a narcissist. They promote and value those they can use and manipulate to make themselves look good.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Place your focus on your next project or job. I know I sound like a stuck record, but put your exit strategy in place. Move on — and up.
Tools to help you cope with your toxic boss (while you plan your escape).
Please note, these are short-term strategies. The best thing you can do for yourself is LEAVE. You can’t change a toxic environment. The longer you stay, the more it will damage you. No amount of money or perks are worth your health and your sanity.
1. Depersonalize the narcissist’s behavior.
Don’t take their rudeness personally. They are dysfunctional — not you. The negative atmosphere and the toxic vibes will wear you down. The narcissist will drain your energy. The longer you stay, the more exhausted and depleted you will become. Protect your energy. Don’t allow their toxicity to affect your health and peace of mind. Use mindfulness and breathing techniques. Put a protective bubble around yourself at work. Meditate, pray, call on your guardian angel. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
2. A narcissistic boss believes they are above the law.
Rules don’t apply to them. They will take short cuts, manipulate data and abuse their expense account. They have no qualms using unethical marketing practices to get what they want. If they get caught, they will shift the blame onto you or someone else.
3. Stop being so afraid of them!
Working in a constant state of fear is damaging to your health. Face your deepest fears and imagine them happening. Next, think of the steps you would take if you got fired, for example. You are never as trapped as you think you are. It’s an illusion. Your boss is not your source. God is. You are.
4. Stop expecting them to change.
Let go of the illusion that they will change. No matter how nice you are or how hard you work, a narcissistic boss will alway demand more. It isn’t your responsibility to help them see the error of their ways. Your responsibility is to survive.
When I worked in the advertising industry, I had to get HR involved. I was being targeted by an abusive boss. They were hauled over the coals and had to do mandatory training on how to manage a team.
For a while, things seemed to settle down. But once their training was over, the abuse escalated and became more covert. I chose to leave and found a new job. I realized the situation would never change.
5. Learn to stop caring so much.
Stop over-functioning and over-performing. A toxic boss does not deserve your best efforts. Save your energy and focus on your exit strategy. Give your overtime to your new employer who will value and appreciate the work you put in. See your current job as a stepping stone. Thank it for its lessons and ability to keep your bills covered. Keep moving forward — don’t get stuck there!
6. Narcissist bosses set you up for a failure.
They enjoy seeing you struggle and want you to feel incompetent. If you are being micromanaged, take care not to miss any of your deadlines. Do your work to the best of your ability. Keep your boss informed on how your projects are going. This is a good way for you to manage their micromanagement.
The hard truth is that your narcissistic boss does not care about your well-being at work. They don’t care about the negative impact their behavior has on you, the team or the company. They have no empathy. They only care about what makes them look good.
7. Narcissists are pathological liars.
They will bend the truth to serve their narrative without batting an eyelid. Don’t sink to their level, especially if your narcissistic boss is passive aggressive. It can be tempting to confront them. But you are not dealing with a mature adult! Trying to reason with them will not work. They know exactly what they are doing and they are doing it on purpose.
Studies have shown that things become worse for those who try to out a toxic boss. Rather focus on yourself, your mental health and your exit strategy. Keep your responses short and factual. Practice the grey rock technique and never react to their negativity. Rise above their provocations. Narcissists hate it when they can’t trigger you into a reaction. When they see they can’t get to you, they will move onto someone else.
8. Your colleagues are not your friends.
This is a hard one to swallow. In a work environment, these are situational relationships. NEVER complain to your coworkers about your boss. It’s natural to want to reach out for support, but nine times out of ten your complaints will get back to your boss. People talk and people gossip and at the end of the day, your coworkers will choose their paycheck over you. It’s a matter of survival. If you want to talk to someone, make sure it’s someone outside of work.
9. Narcissists have zero empathy and will overwork and underpay you.
If you are not one of your boss’s chosen few, you will be exploited. You may find yourself working overtime with no extra pay. You may be expected to run personal errands for your boss. Or, use your own resources, such as your vehicle, gas and airtime, without proper compensation.
10. Don’t expect praise for a job well done.
Narcissists do not like attention or admiration flowing anywhere except in their direction. They will only praise you if it makes them look good. Working harder to get their approval is a waste of time and energy. They will ignore your efforts and take secret pleasure in your pain.
Watch out if your performance threatens your narcissistic boss in any way. They will knock you down so that they can stay in the spotlight. To add insult to injury, they will steal all the credit for your hard work.
11. F.L.A.P.
Unfortunately, in the eyes of top management, your boss is always right. You are the one that will have to leave. Keep it professional — even if they are not being professional towards you. While you are looking for a new job, do your work and keep your side of the fence tidy. FLAP — Finish Like A Pro.
My Boss is a Narcissist, Now What?
If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, the best advice I can give you is GET OUT. Put an exit strategy in place (stuck record, I know) and keep your cool as you look for a new job. Put healthy boundaries in place and know that you deserve better.
Narcissistic bosses control you by making you scared of them. They use your fear against you. The more fear you have, the more powerful they feel. It’s important to release this fear. Fear causes anxiety which floods your body with cortisol and stress hormones. This puts a huge strain on your health. It’s not worth killing yourself over a job.
A narcissistic boss sets you back in your career. A toxic work environment filters into every area of your life. Like a cancer, it slowly kills you from the inside out. It can take years to recover from a toxic work environment. A toxic boss or manager can wear you down to the point where your health suffers.
The longer you stay, the more you are damaged by the toxicity. A narcissistic boss will chip away at your self-esteem. The constant stress and anxiety will eventually lead to depression. Life will begin to feel more and more unbearable.
Radically accept that this is who they are.
This is their character and personality. It will never change. There’s no point trying to give constructive feedback. Even HR can’t really help you. Your narcissistic boss will remain toxic.
Remember, you always have three choices in life:
1. Accept the situation
2. Change the situation
3. Leave the situation.
Once you realize you need to let go and move on, focus on taking care of yourself. Lean on your friends and family. Get excited about the new future you are creating for yourself. Never look back.
I hope you found this article helpful. If you suspect you have been narcissistically abused, I offer trauma-informed coaching sessions. Check out my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program or contact me to see if we are a fit. For deep soul-level healing, book and Akashic Records Reading. I offer a psycho-spiritual approach to healing. I believe mixing the logic of science with the alchemy of spirituality is the key to success! Download my free white Light Healing Meditation here.
References and Further Reading
When the Body says No, the Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté
Fuel by H.G. Tudor
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter A. Levine
Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home. At Work. With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi
Energy Vampires by Dr. C Northrup
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-04-08 13:04:082024-04-08 13:04:43Signs you are Dealing with a Narcissistic Boss and What to Do About it.
No matter what you do, you won’t always please your boss. Miscommunication, mistakes, and bad days are simply a part of the workplace experience.
But if your manager constantly seems upset without voicing their concerns, you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive boss. It can be hard to know for sure since they likely won’t approach criticism or feedback straightforwardly. Learning to recognize the tell-tale signs will help you combat this leadership fault.
Creating an environment of unhealthy competition that makes teamwork challenging
Passive-aggressive bosses often feel the need to please others to avoid conflict. But this means when they’re frustrated with an employee’s performance or their own workload, for example, they take it out in other ways, like confusing feedback or removing tasks without explaining why.
A manager’s leadership style affects the entire workplace. If your boss shows passive-aggressive tendencies, their attitude, and reluctance to effectively communicate can negatively impact employee morale, leading to feelings of insecurity, doubt, and resentment — all symptoms of a toxic work environment.
Childhood factors: Your manager may have grown up in a family that taught them to suppress negative emotions. Instead of learning a healthy communication style, they use sarcasm to vent feelings like anger, frustration, and fear. This could also lead them to dodge people and situations that generate these sentiments altogether.
Workplace factors: A work environment that frowns on expressing emotion could result in someone with poor communication skills resorting to passive-aggressiveness to voice their displeasure. And feeling burned outor stressed can also cause this behavior.
Insecurities: If your boss feels unsure of their position or abilities, they could attempt to transfer their shortcomings and frustrations onto employees.
None of these causes have anything to do with you personally or how you perform professionally. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of your boss’s shortcomings. Instead, you can learn how to shield yourself without guilt.
6 strategies for managing a passive-aggressive boss
While you’re not responsible for helping your boss, you can learn to deal with their behavior so you enjoy a more peaceful and positive work environment. Here are six strategies for dealing with someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies.
1. Identify their go-to behaviors
Knowing how your boss reacts to certain situations can help you prepare. Keep your eyes open for triggers and outcomes. For example, if your manager is hyper-controlling, issues vague instructions, or unnecessarily criticizes your team when dealing with a last-minute project, you can mitigate or avoid situations that cause this behavior.
2. Take the high road
If your boss is rude or cryptic, remember that this behavior stems from something outside of you, like their upbringing or stress, and take the high road by remaining calm and positive. While this means you’ll have a better day, there’s also a chance your serenity and positivity might rub off on them.
3. Over-communicate as necessary
If you have questions, ask them face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. An in-person meeting or video call will let you ask follow-up questions and clarify expectations immediately without waiting for an email response. And when providing feedback to your manager, keep it constructive and impersonal to avoid feeding any of their insecurities.
4. Put everything in writing
Any time you have a meeting with your boss, take notes. Afterward, ask them to confirm you’ve understood instructions, expectations, and deadlines correctly. That way, you have proof if they go back on what they said to make you look incompetent or inferior.
Also request any clarification or notification of changes to a project’s scope or deliverables in writing, explaining that alignment is important and you want to ensure accuracy before moving forward.
5. Create a paper trail
Keep a record of your communications by printing out emails and DMs, saving them to a removable hard drive, or forwarding them to your personal email, so that you have proof if you ever need to take this issue to your human resources department.
6. Share your concerns
If you think they might respond well, request a one-on-one to discuss how their behavior impacts your working relationship and mental health. Be as helpful and constructive as possible, noting positive leadership habits and providing a possible solution to the problem.
Common passive-aggressive comments
Interactions with a passive-aggressive manager can leave you scratching your head. They often use wordplay that makes you question whether you’ve just been insulted, and asking them for clarity doesn’t usually help — they will likely claim you misunderstood or are being too sensitive.
This confusing behavior usually takes one of three forms: backhanded compliments, two-faced commentary, or dodging the question. Familiarizing yourself with some examples of passive-aggressive comments is a great first step to developing effective tactics to manage your interactions successfully.
Backhanded compliments
A tell-tale sign of a passive-aggressive personality is using so-called “compliments” to disguise hostility behind false praise. These are particularly insidious because, to a casual viewer, there’s nothing outwardly objectionable. Here are a few examples:
“New shoes and a new bag. Nice to see that promotion is paying off.”
“Check out how clean the copy is. Who knew an intern could produce such great work.”
“Congratulations on being the sales leader this month — you’re finally pulling your weight.”
“It must be lovely working for your best friend’s mom.”
Two-faced comments
Another typical passive-aggressive tactic is public sabotage. When you solicit a review of your work, your manager might claim everything is fine and agreeable. But in front of others, it’s a different story as your boss takes you by surprise, identifying multiple issues.
These errors are often due to a lack of feedback or denial of the information or resources you need to complete the task correctly. Here are a couple of examples:
“Our latest social media marketing campaign underperformed because someone spent more time ordering coffee than focusing on promotion.”
“I don’t understand the errors in this report. I told Justin to fix them, but I guess he didn’t think it was important.”
Dodging questions
Some passive-aggressive bosses specialize in silent treatment. This tactic serves two purposes: it lets them avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation while keeping you unbalanced. Here are a couple of examples:
“You’ll have to ask someone else about that.”
“I don’t see how that question is relevant so I’m going to move on.”
Additional tips for managing passive-aggressive leadership
Working with a passive-aggressive manager requires finding a way to engage productively while maintaining a respectful distance to avoid negativity. It’s a juggling act, but these tips for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior will make it easier:
Address it: Being professional doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. If you feel compelled, question your manager’s comments and behavior. You might ask, “Is there a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder?” or “I don’t understand your joke. Could you please clarify what you meant?”
Limit interactions: Evaluate where and when you need direct contact with your boss and try to only interact with them during these times.
Put your active listening skills to work: If you want your boss to be receptive to feedback, making eye contact, smiling, and using welcoming body language — all key elements of active listening — might put them at ease.
Report abuse: If you feel your manager’s bullying you, report this behavior to a human resources professional, bringing any documentation you have on the subject.
Remember: it’s not about you
Working with a passive-aggressive boss is like walking a never-ending tightrope. You’re in a constant state of vigilance and it’s exhausting. But remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.
That said, you also can’t force them to change. What you can do is control how you react to the situation. If you think you can put space between yourself and their actions, you should be able to retain your well-being.
But you deserve to feel valued, safe, and comfortable at work, and if that’s not possible here, consider looking elsewhere.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/10-Signs-That-You-Are-The-Toxic-Person-In-Your-Workplace-and-What-To-Do-About-It-640x360-1.jpg360640Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-04-01 06:55:322024-04-01 06:55:32Learn to deal with a passive-aggressive boss like a pro
Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world.
If your boss is a micromanager—the kind who wants to maintain as much control over you as they can—you know how frustrating and irritating it is. It’s possible, though, to take back some control—and these phrases can help you make that happen. Use them to start an effective dialogue that can result in more autonomy and less micromanagement:
I’m going to do everything in my power to make you look good. If you tell your boss you want to make them look good, there is no reason for them to hound you. Accustomed to resistance, most micromanagers will be glad to hear something positive.
Your success is important to me. Feed the ego of your micromanager and let them know their success matters to you. Their controlling tendencies are likely to ease if they believe your mind is on them—as they want it to be.
Tell me how you like the work to be done. You may be able to circumvent a hovering micromanager by getting all the information up front. It will help you do the job you are supposed to do while also meeting their expectations.
I will do an excellent job for you. When you reassure a micromanager about the quality of your work and show them that excellence is important to you, you may be able to put their perfectionist mind at peace.
I know you want to help me succeed. Disarming a micromanager is important, and labeling their negative action into something positive may have them agreeing with you. Thank them and let them know you appreciate their investment. The recognition will make them feel good about themselves and it may help them give you some peace.
I value your guidance. This is another way of disarming the micromanager with a positive twist. If you acknowledge their counsel, you may be able to persuade them that you will come to them when you need them.
You sometimes know things about the situation that I don’t. This phrase feeds the micromanager’s ego and lets them know that you acknowledge their higher position and that you’ll check in when you need to know more.
All the hovering, adjustments and changes are affecting my productivity. If nothing else is getting through, tell the truth and be straightforward. Leaders are measured by how much their team achieves. They know that productivity issues reflect poorly on them.
I am going to show you how I do it on my own. Give the micromanager a rest by walking them through your own processes, showing them your competence and care.
I am always open to your feedback. Holding yourself open for your micromanager to teach, guide, and mentor can help keep your work relationship on the plane where it belongs.
A leader who’s constantly looking over their employees’ shoulders can inspire a lot of second-guessing and paranoia, and ultimately ends up running away their most talented people. To stop the micromanager—or at least get them out of your hair—try each of these approaches in turn until the situation is under control.
Lead From Within: Most people don’t take well to being micromanaged because it leads to a loss of control and autonomy. But there are steps you can take before you decide to leave.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-03-25 08:17:222024-05-07 11:06:3610 Phrases That Will Help You Handle a Micromanaging Boss
Building Resiliency Through Stress and Mental Health Strategies.
For over 20 years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with teams who want to control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges and live full and flourishing lives. Beverly works with teams and leaders to shift from stressed out to resilient, enabling them to be more engaged, productive and healthy.
Toxic Person
As a leader in the workplace, it is essential to cultivate a positive and productive environment for your team. However, sometimes leaders may unknowingly exhibit toxic behaviours that negatively impact the work culture and employee morale. Recent studies shed light on the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace. In this article, we will explore these signs and provide actionable steps for leaders to address and rectify their behaviour.
Constant Criticism and Negativity
Are you frequently criticizing and finding faults in your team members? A toxic leader tends to focus on the negative aspects rather than acknowledging their employees’ efforts. This behaviour can demoralize the team and hinder their motivation to excel.
What to do: Practice constructive feedback by highlighting areas for improvement while also acknowledging their achievements. Adopt a positive approach to motivate your team and create a supportive work atmosphere.
Micromanagement and Lack of Trust
Do you struggle to delegate tasks and find yourself micromanaging your team? A lack of trust in your team members can be a sign of toxic leadership. Micromanagement stifles creativity and hampers employee autonomy.
What to do: Empower your team by delegating tasks and trusting them to deliver results. Offer guidance and support when needed, but allow your employees the space to showcase their skills and expertise.
Favouritism and Unfair Treatment
Playing favourites among your team members is a clear indication of toxic behaviour. Showing preferential treatment can lead to resentment and division among your employees.
What to do: Treat all team members fairly and equally. Recognize and reward achievements based on merit, and foster a culture of inclusivity and collaboration.
Lack of Accountability
As a leader, taking responsibility for your actions and decisions is crucial. Avoiding accountability and blaming others for failures can create a toxic work environment.
What to do: Acknowledge your mistakes and be transparent with your team. Encourage open communication and show a willingness to learn from your errors.
Ineffective Communication
Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and frustration among team members. A toxic leader may fail to listen actively or they may dismiss others’ viewpoints. According to a survey by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), 58% of employees stated that their managers could improve their communication skills, which is crucial in avoiding toxic behaviour.
What to do: Improve your communication skills by actively listening to your team and fostering open dialogue. Be approachable and encourage feedback from your employees.
Undermining Team Members
Are you dismissive of your team’s ideas or contributions? A toxic leader may undermine their team members’ efforts, leading to a lack of confidence and enthusiasm.
What to do: Encourage creativity and innovation within your team. Show appreciation for their ideas and encourage them to take initiative.
Neglecting Employee Well-Being
A toxic leader may prioritize results over employee well-being, leading to burnout and decreased job satisfaction.
What to do: Prioritize work-life balance and support your team’s mental and physical well-being. Show empathy and offer resources to help them manage stress.
Lack of Empathy
The inability to understand or empathize with your team’s challenges can create a toxic work environment. A lack of empathy can lead to feelings of isolation and disengagement among your employees. A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology revealed that employees who perceived their leaders as less empathetic were more likely to experience feelings of burnout and disengagement.
What to do: Practice empathy by putting yourself in your team’s shoes. Show genuine concern for their well-being and be supportive during challenging times.
Resistance to Change and New Ideas
A toxic leader may be resistant to change and new approaches, stifling innovation and growth within the organization.
What to do: Embrace change as an opportunity for growth and encourage your team to explore new ideas. Foster a culture of continuous improvement and learning.
Lack of Recognition and Appreciation
Neglecting to recognize and appreciate your team’s hard work can lead to feelings of undervaluation and disengagement. A Harvard Business Review survey reported that 60% of employees stated that they would be more motivated if they received more recognition and appreciation from their managers. Recognizing and appreciating employees’ efforts can significantly impact their engagement and productivity.
What to do: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate your team’s contributions. Celebrate achievements and milestones to boost team morale.
Being aware of the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace is the first step towards creating a positive work environment. By taking responsibility for your behaviour and implementing the suggested actions, you can transform your leadership style and foster a thriving and supportive workplace culture. Remember, as a leader, your actions set the tone for the entire organization, so strive to be the best version of yourself and inspire your team to reach new heights.
Contact Beverly about hosting a workshop for your teams on how to deal with difficult people at work. Learn strategies to create a more positive attitude in the workplace and encourage an engaging, safe working environment!
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Almost no one enjoys conflict. But it’s something we all need to deal with from time to time, in order to maintain healthy relationships. Further, we need to deal with conflict the right way so that we minimize it, and don’t exacerbate it.
I’m amazed at how often people do the wrong thing regarding conflict; doing the wrong thing, even unintentionally, will usually make your conflict much worse instead of better.
Here are four things that can cause conflict to escalate:
Ignoring the issues of others. Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Ignoring a situation does not make conflict go away. Saying to the other person that something isn’t important enough to get upset about only makes the conflict worse.
Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Follow these tips.
Let’s assume that your co-worker has mentioned to you that she has a sensitivity to perfume, adding that she would prefer you not wear it at work. You like your perfume, and don’t believe she has a sensitivity, so you choose to reject or ignore her request. Your response to her request is something along the lines of, “Of all the things to worry about? This isn’t one of them.”
This strategy will not make the tension or conflict that exists between you go away. It doesn’t matter if your colleague has a sensitivity to perfume or not—she has told you that she does, and has asked you not to wear it. Your intentional rejection of her request will create tension that will escalate every day that you “forget about” or rebel from her request. By ignoring the situation, you will make it worse, not better.
Being defensive or making excuses. Recently, actress Roseanne Barr sent some racist tweets. As a direct result, her successful television was cancelled. Several hours after it happened, Barr returned to Twitter, claiming she had taken an Ambien, and therefore wasn’t responsible for her behavior. When something you’ve done causes conflict, making excuses for your behavior will not make it better. It will actually make it worse. For instance, Barr’s excuse likely won’t make one iota of difference in the eyes of the person she attacked with her racist tweets, or to any of the hundreds of people who lost their jobs due to Barr’s actions.
Own your behavior. Apologize if necessary. Fix it if you can. But in making excuses for your behavior, you will escalate the conflict.
When you make excuses for your behavior, you escalate conflict.
Being emotional about the situation. No one enjoys conflict. Emotional reactions to it are natural and normal. But losing control, or expressing your frustration verbally, is not good. You need to demonstrate professionalism, control, and restraint because when you lose your cool you encourage the other person to as well. Anger is contagious. Angry behavior will cause the other person to lose their cool as well. As you can imagine, this is not the way to deal with conflict. You may have a conflict with a co-worker, but yelling at them, belittling, bullying, or behaving aggressively will not make the situation better. Speaking more loudly will not make them listen to you. Yelling is not the answer.
Not holding back your “inside voice” will turn your conflict sour. When we are dealing with conflict we usually have two conversations happening at the same time. The out-loud conversation is the one you have with the other person, but there is also a passive-aggressive conversation you have in your head. Keep the two conversations separate.
Mumbling under your breath is likely to be heard. It isn’t the correct way to minimize conflict because it will add fuel to the fire that already exists. Just because you’re thinking something doesn’t mean you should verbalize it.
Let’s say you’re enjoying a team pot-luck lunch with everyone at work. You have your group of work friends but you have a bit of tension with Mike on the team. You don’t really like him; you two don’t really get along, and he doesn’t really like or get along with you, either. During your team lunch, a conversation about gossip starts up and Mike announces that he thinks that is a horrible thing to do to your coworkers—why would anyone spread gossip around the office? You are shocked because you think Mike is the worst gossip in the office. You mumble a sarcastic comment under your breath that may or may not have been heard by Mike. But you can be sure that someone heard it, potentially making a comment or giggling, and Mike is convinced you said something about him (which you did!). That action by you will cause the tension in your relationship to escalate. Ignoring Mike’s original comment, or not voicing yours won’t relieve the tension you already have with Mike, but it will most certainly avoid escalating it.
The laughter you get from others is not worth the escalation of tension in your already fractured relationship. Learn to keep unproductive thoughts to yourself.
Avoiding these four faux pas isn’t easy, but it is important. Conflict isn’t fun. Making it even worse is not a good idea—however, it is avoidable.
Article By Rhonda Scharf,
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-03-14 08:23:512024-03-14 08:23:51How Not to Deal with Conflict
In our three-part series on when to avoid, postpone, or confront, we are left with when we should have the confrontation!
We know that sometimes avoiding the confrontation is the right choice, and sometimes postponing the conversation is the smartest thing to do, but when do we choose the third option and have the conversation right here and right now?
When we avoid or postpone, it isn’t the time to have the confrontation. And having the confrontation after postponing it gives you time to prepare. Are there times when you shouldn’t take the time to prepare and jump in headfirst?
Yes.
Look at the consequences of postponing. While postponing is the correct answer in many situations, what are the consequences of not having the confrontation on the spot? Sometimes, postponing the confrontation is giving the other permission to do or say what they are doing. If the consequences for postponing don’t make sense, have the confrontation on the spot.
Years ago, a participant in one of my workshops shared her experience. Her manager was very anti-cell phone at work and vocal about it. Jenny felt her manager was overpowering and didn’t want to hear any excuse or justification for needing her cell phone handy. She wouldn’t win the discussion, so she never bothered to have it.
Including the time that her mother had suffered a heart attack and was in the hospital. She hadn’t mentioned anything to her manager about it (they didn’t have that type of relationship), but she did have her cell phone on and on her desk as they were waiting for updates from the hospital.
It rang. It was not loud but rang while the manager walked by her cubicle. He lost his temper, picked up her cell phone, and stomped on it, destroying it!
I am not making this up. Yes, his behavior was beyond inexcusable. In a situation like this, Jenny had no choice but to say something at that moment. She was emotional and unprepared, but this was not a time to postpone. Some of the conversation could have been postponed, but the initial confrontation could not.
She did say something. She told him he needed to buy her a new cell phone as he had no right to destroy hers. She didn’t tell him about her mother nor justify why her phone was on at work, but she did identify that his actions were not okay with her and said what she needed to say.
You can be sure that this situation would require a follow-up conversation/confrontation, but at the moment, she had to say something to indicate this was unacceptable. The consequences of saying nothing at the moment were too high. They implied his actions were correct and she was in the wrong.
The timing is in your favor. Sometimes, the timing makes sense to have the confrontation without giving yourself time to prepare.
Imagine you walk into a group of colleagues without them seeing you approach. They are talking about you, and you can hear them! You shouldn’t ignore it or postpone the confrontation in such a situation. The timing demands you say and do something on the spot. It doesn’t have to be much, but you do need to identify what you interrupted.
You may choose to have individual follow-up conversations with each colleague later, but at the moment, you must address what you just heard. The timing is forcing your hand.
Safety or Compliance. Some things need to be done a certain way, even if others don’t agree with it.
You can imagine that if someone is doing something unsafe or not compliant at work, you can’t bring it up later, nor can you avoid it. You may need a conversation/confrontation to get them to do things correctly.
It’s important to say that just because you don’t like something a certain way doesn’t mean you should confront it, but if it is the rules at work, you should say something.
I was in a ride-share recently, where texting and driving was illegal. The driver proceeded to start to text while we were driving. This was an example of a time when I needed to be confrontational. I nicely told him that I was uncomfortable when he texted while driving. In his defense, he apologized and stopped.
If I had ignored it, I would have been angry with myself for not speaking up. If I had waited until the end of the ride or put it in his comments, I would still be angry with myself. The timing was right, and it was a safety and compliance issue.
We all want to have confrontations when we are prepared, in control of our emotions, and away from the public eye. That isn’t always possible.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-03-05 10:24:382024-03-05 10:24:38When to Confront, Avoid, or Postpone Confrontations Part Three: Having the Confrontation in the Moment
When disagreements arise between yourself and a fellow coworker (as they inevitably will), knowing the most effective communication and conflict resolution skills to use in the workplace to diffuse tension will help you stay professional in the heat of the moment and strengthen your working relationship, too.
Dealing with difficult people and differences of opinion is never easy, but when equipped with the right conflict management techniques and strategies, you’ll get through them more easily and be more likely to avoid issues in the future.
What are the characteristics of a difficult person at work?
Difficult people may resist feedback or change, causing friction within the team. They tend to have poor communication skills, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Difficult individuals may lack empathy, making it challenging to build rapport and maintain healthy working relationships.
Other traits of difficult people at work include:
Stubbornness
Unwillingness to collaborate
A negative attitude
Inability to compromise
Easily frustrated
Passive-aggressive
Not being a team player
Poor listening skills
Argumentative
Complaining often
It’s tempting to cut all contact when you and a colleague butt heads. You just spread the word that you can’t work with them any longer, and tell everyone not to sit you together at upcoming events or meetings.
You don’t have to explain yourself, apologize, or listen to their side of the story. But if you dismiss every coworker whenever a conflict occurs, you are going to end up in a very cold and unpleasant workplace.
Colleagues, friends, and even loving partners disagree occasionally. That’s life. But don’t simply “throw the baby out with the bathwater” each time that happens with challenging coworkers.
When it comes to difficult people, you need to take steps to repair and rebuild your working relationships by employing critical conflict resolution techniques that will not only dissolve tension but strengthen your ties with fellow coworkers
Here’s how to handle with difficult people at work using conflict resolutions skills and strategies.
1. Make an appointment to discuss the problem.
Find a time when neither of you is dealing with “HALT” issues that prevent you from bringing your best self to the conversation. People have HALT issues when they feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
This meeting together is about addressing the issue and working out your differences while setting a plan in place to be efficient in the workplace. Sometimes the difficult person will comply but they may also not listen and find the whole thing to be dumb or annoying.
Do your best to stay calm during the meeting and make sure you set your boundaries clearly.
2. Stay on topic.
Be sure to not stray off the topic when you are speaking to them. Never deter to personal attacks or insults. Be clear, concise, and try to leave out anything accusatory.
This contains the discussion and helps keep things manageable. It also helps you prove that you mean business to them.
3. Don’t bring up the past.
One way to deal with a difficult person is to avoid words like “always” and “never” when speaking to them. How would you feel if someone said that you always interrupt people when they are talking, or never pick up a check at a restaurant?
These types of comments can ignite fresh hostility. Just stick to the issues at hand.
4. Refrain from name-calling.
It’s hard to make peace when you are called a “stupid jerk” or worse. Stay away from name-calling or derogatory statements because it will only escalate the situation.
Keep it classy and considerate. Above all, be professional about it.
5. Don’t share details with your office pals.
This isn’t a time to try to get them to join your side of the argument. Doing that just adds to the level of hostility in the workplace, and will negate your positive conflict management strategies.
Keep things contained, as you don’t want to start gossip or drama. You can rant or vent to other people in your life, but keep it out of your work life.
6. Be willing to listen.
Don’t think of a response while the person you disagree with is still talking. Really hear what they have to say. They may have a legitimate reason for behaving as they did.
You don’t always perceive situations like others do, so give them an opportunity to share their side of the story.
It’s harder to resolve a conflict if you expect to win all the time. Sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and do a little bit of compromising. In the end, you have to pick your battles. So be wise about what hill you want to die on and compromise when you can.
8. Take a break, if needed.
If you are too upset to remain open-minded, stop the discussion immediately. Set a mutually convenient time to revisit the problem, then do something that calms you. Take a brisk walk. Listen to music. Meditate.
If you are home, watch television or take a bath. After you relax, you will likely feel more compassionate and less argumentative. These conflict management techniques will help make sure you’re capable of speaking openly and honestly about the conflict with your coworker.
9. Don’t react.
Most of the time, your difficult coworker just wants to get a reaction out of you. So, if you give into them, they will likely repeat their actions. You have to regain your powers by not giving them the satisfaction of getting to you.
Don’t give them anything next time they are being difficult. Either ignore them or say something that makes you look indifferent.
During conflicts, share your feelings with “I” instead of “you” language, which places blame and inflames the battle.
An example of “I” language: “I feel angry because I wasn’t consulted.”
An example of “you” language: “You didn’t ask me to speak. What you did was really mean.”
Respectfully manage work-related conflicts that arise. As you do, you will hopefully find that this process strengthens all of your relationships.
11. Get your boss involved.
If all else fails, it’s best to get your superiors involved. Sometimes difficult people need to get in trouble with the boss. They need the slap on the wrist. So report them to your superiors and request a meeting.
In the meeting, explain what the problem is and the steps you have taken to remedy them. Your boss should put something in place to help fix the difficult situation and avoid conflict in the future.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-02-26 12:07:542024-02-26 12:07:5411 Effective Strategies To Deal With Difficult People At Work
“There are many types of annoying people,” says teamwork consultant Ilene Marcus in our latest Expert Voices episode. And she’s right, isn’t she? If we’re honest, we all know a large cast of characters who, in their own ways, rub us up completely the wrong way.
Whether they mean to do it or not, they’re the people who aggravate, antagonize, fluster, and frustrate us – to the point that we can still feel our skin prickle with annoyance at the mere thought of them, decades down the line.
See how many of the following figures you recognize. They all make an appearance in our “Dealing With Difficult People” podcast, and I’ve met them all at some point during my career. Have you?
10 Types of Difficult People
1. The Know-it-All. This is someone who feels sure that they know more than you, everyone else on the team – and likely every other team, for that matter. As author and CEO Dana Borowka says, they have a “low tolerance for correction.” They obstruct collaboration, and let others take the blame for mistakes.
2. The Interrupter. This character doesn’t let you get a word in edgeways – either because they’re not listening, or listening intently so that they can seize their second to jump in. They stop you contributing fully, and can even halt your train of thought in its tracks.
3. The Ignorer. For Professor Gretchen Spreitzer, this person’s behavior typically involves “… ignoring somebody who’s trying to clarify a point that they’re making, or ignoring somebody in a hallway conversation.” They choose carefully who they communicate with, and they make others feel irrelevant – or invisible.
4. The Bore. It’s not just that the Bore doesn’t offer anything interesting. They actively ignore people’s signals that they’re too busy, not interested, or have heard it all before.
5.The Prima Donna.Everything’s about them: their ideas, their needs, their successes. In the words of Ilene Marcus, they’re “… people that perform very well, but get on your last nerve – and take away from you driving the business agenda.”
6. The Work Martyr. This is the person who never stops working (or telling you about it). Nothing you do ever comes close to the amount of time and energy they’ve put in. They grab every role and responsibility going – and expect you to be grateful.
7. The Whiner. The Whiner has what Dana Borowka calls “woe-is-me syndrome.” “The world is so unfair! And they are just constantly complaining.”
8. The Negativity Spreader. This is someone who’s not content with just having negative feelings. They want to pass them on to everyone else. They steer every conversation toward the reasons why something won’t work – and why you might as well give up now.
9. The Rainmaker. As Ilene Marcus says, “culture bends” for a Rainmaker. “They don’t always adhere to team norms, but because they’re the superstar everyone has to deal with the way they do their work.”
10. The Boundary Crosser. This person invades your space, physically and emotionally. Whether they’re reaching over your desk, borrowing your belongings without asking, or telling you more about their personal life than you’re comfortable knowing, they breach your boundaries in annoying and unsettling ways.
Dealing With Difficult People
Harvard-trained psychotherapist Katherine Crowley describes difficult people as “emotional traps.” She says that their behavior “… stirs you up emotionally and causes turmoil in your day.”
So what can we do about them?
Here are five strategies offered by Rachel’s experts:
1. Recognize your feelings.
Several guests explore what’s going on in our brains when someone annoys us.
Best-selling business writer Christine Comaford says it’s about how we interpret their behavior. “You see things, you hear things, you smell things, you taste things, you feel things,” she says. All of that information “… zooms into your brain stem, into your reptilian brain, then moves very quickly to your mammalian brain where emotions are attached, and then zooms to your prefrontal cortex where we make meaning.”
Her first step to dealing with the subsequent feelings is simply to recognize them. “If we don’t know how we’re feeling – frustrated, overwhelmed, happy, peaceful, confident – then we can’t navigate our emotions.”
2. Tell them what’s happening.
Next, we can open up a conversation. As Gretchen Spreitzer explains, “That doesn’t have to be in a public way, but in a side conversation. ‘You know, in the meeting we had today, I felt like you weren’t hearing the point that I was trying to make, and in fact I felt like there were several times where I was interrupted,’ as an example.”
If we don’t tell people what they’re doing, how can we expect them to change?
3. Be curious.
We might also need to change our take on the situation. Christine Comaford recommends being curious: “… about the feelings that start to come up, based on the sensory data that you receive.”
Maybe there are mitigating circumstances for someone’s difficult behavior. Perhaps the cause is something that we’re doing. And what if the intent we imagine simply isn’t there, so there’s no need for us to feel so annoyed?
4. Project positivity.
“One of the most effective things you can do,” says leadership expert Olivia Fox Cabane, “is give them credit for the solution that you’re going to be proposing.”
Author Rick Brinkman calls this “Pygmalion power.” He believes that it can reduce your annoyance, and help to promote positive behavior in others. “Let’s say somebody is being negative and we say to them, ‘I appreciate you pointing out the problem so we can come up with the solutions,’ that’s projecting positive on them. You’re assuming they’re coming from the positive intention of wanting to improve things.”
5. See the benefits.
“There’s a benefit to a complainer,” according to Dana Borowka. “They will identify issues that may be overlooked by people who always have that positive side.”
And if people around you are whining or spreading negativity, perhaps it’s a signal to get to know each other better, or to generate better energy within the team. As Gretchen Spreitzer says, “If we’re having more fun in the workplace, we might be developing more trust, we might be getting to know the whole person at work in a way that then minimizes ‘uncivil’ behavior in the future.”
Expect the Best From Problem People
We can take a great deal of hope from the way our experts deal with difficult people. Rick Brinkman sums up much of that in one sentence: “People will fall all over themselves to fulfill your positive expectations of them.”
“It’s not that you have to really get to know or love everybody else in the organization,” says Amy Edmondson from Harvard Business School. “But you do need to understand a few simple things. Specifically, what are they trying to get done? What obstacles do they see ahead, and what skills and resources do they bring?”
We might even enjoy our interactions with them a bit more. Amy offers a quote that I’m going to try to remember the next time I’m with someone who usually gets my goat. It’s from Abraham Lincoln, who said: “I don’t like that man very much. I must get to know him better.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-02-21 15:19:452024-02-21 15:19:45The 10 Most Difficult People (and the 5 Best Ways to Deal With Them!)
Confrontation is hard. When to avoid it altogether, when to postpone it to a different place and time, and when to have it at the moment is a touchy decision in conflict resolution, where timing is everything. Knowing when to address a conflict, avoid it, and postpone a confrontation can significantly impact the outcome and effectiveness of the resolution process.
Postponing the confrontation is often the correct answer. Postponing isn’t the same as avoidance, but instead strategic. The wisdom is to know when to postpone because timing is crucial. Postponing allows everyone to have the right frame of mind and emotional state. Each of you needs to be in a position where you can have a professional/respectful conversation, and often, in the moment, that isn’t the case.
– When emotions are high. Anger, frustration, or hurt feelings are strong emotions that can cause us to react in ways we regret or say things we can never unsay. Emotions will cloud good judgment.
Time allows us to think through the situation, often come up with “what I should have said…” and prepare ourselves for a productive confrontation that is not destructive. We need time to settle down, think clearly, and regroup before discussing the situation.
– Time constraints. There cannot be time restrictions to have a healthy confrontation. Rushing through the confrontation never works.
Imagine a time when you are having a quick “in the hall” conversation with a co-worker only to find out they have not completed an urgent and important task. You are both on your way in different directions with deadlines. You hear the news that the task isn’t finished, and you instantly need to discuss it, but your timing is off as you are both due somewhere in a few minutes. You need to have the conversation/confrontation, but you shouldn’t have it now as you don’t have enough time. The restricted time could potentially make the situation worse rather than better.
– Public setting. When confronting another, we must have it in a private location where onlookers aren’t watching or listening. Having a confrontation in a public place makes you look unprofessional.
You walk into the board room five minutes after the starting time as you were taking care of a last-minute emergency. As you walk in and apologize to the room, Mike says, “It’s about time you got here. Do you need a time management workshop?” The room offers an uncomfortable chuckle.
You didn’t appreciate Mike’s humor at your expense. You don’t want him to do that moving forward, as it is unprofessional and unappreciated. However, if you tell him that in front of everyone, “Mike, that is so juvenile. I don’t need a time management course. I had an emergency,” you will be seen as aggressive and unprofessional, even though you have a right to defend yourself.
You can’t have your confrontation in front of others. In the situation above, I would make extended and uncomfortable three-second eye contact with Mike; if I could, I would do a one eyebrow raise, but I wouldn’t say anything. After the meeting was over, I would discuss my preference not to be the butt of his jokes in the future. I would do it privately and after the meeting. I would postpone the confrontation, but I wouldn’t ignore the behavior.
– You need time to prepare. Not everyone is the type of person who can have a professional confrontation in the moment. Frankly, most people are not that person. Give yourself the benefit of postponing the confrontation to buy time to figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it.
It is okay to have notes when you have your confrontation. You have prepared, but don’t expect to have memorized what you want to say, so jot it down to prompt you in the moment.
You also may need to gather more information or get a different understanding or perspective of the situation. You may need to get your facts, data, and details clarified and in front of you to defend your position effectively. Reflection, when emotions aren’t present, is important to allow you to say what you need to say.
Many people feel they want to postpone, ensuring they say the right thing, in the right way, and at the right time. Everyone wants to handle the situation perfectly, so they use email instead of face-to-face confrontation.
Please don’t do it. Avoid email for your confrontation. It doesn’t matter what you say; even if crafted perfectly, it will not be interpreted the way you want it to be. Confrontation needs to be done face-to-face (even if that is on video chat).
When you postpone your confrontation, you must give yourself a time limit on when you will have the confrontation. Remember, the goal of a confrontation should be to resolve conflicts, not deepen them.
If you postpone too long, you will talk yourself out of having the confrontation altogether and avoid it. Waiting too long makes it seem like you are bringing up old issues when you are ready to discuss them.
I suggest you have one business day in which you need to schedule the conversation. If, in the example above, I want to talk to Mike about his unappreciated jokes, I have about 24 hours to say to him, “Hey Mike, can we talk?” if I want to schedule a time and place that is private as well as allow him to be prepared as well.
I could say, “I’d like to spend five minutes with you tomorrow at 2 in the Board Room. I have some issues with yesterday’s meeting.” That doesn’t mean the confrontation needs to happen in 24 hours, but the issue needs to be addressed within 24 hours.
“Behavior not addressed will not change” is a quote I’ve used many times (I couldn’t find the author online.)
The confrontation needs to happen in many cases, but it doesn’t need to happen in the moment in all situations. Postponing doesn’t mean you are avoiding the confrontation. Instead, it is a strategic decision to ensure you can have a successful and professional confrontation at the right time and in the right place.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/When-to-Postpone-a-Confrontation.png12602240Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-02-12 08:24:212024-02-12 08:24:21When to Confront, Avoid, or Postpone Confrontations Part Two: Postponing (when and how to postpone)
Tempers flared, curious onlookers were quiet, and eyes flashed daggers at me as she walked past. I asked, “What?” and her heated response was, “You want to get into this now?” and I said, “Yes!”
Unfortunately, she didn’t and said as much as she stormed out of the room. Was I right to want the confrontation at that point, or should I consider avoiding it or postponing it?
There are times when we need to be direct and have our confrontations, times when avoidance is the answer, and there are times when we need to postpone the confrontation to a different time and place. The tricky part is deciding which one you should do.
This article will address when you should avoid confrontation altogether. In the following two articles, you’ll learn when to postpone and when to deal with the issue head-on at the moment.
Avoidance is the easiest to do and, sadly, the most popular, although not always the correct choice. Many of us struggle to know what to say, and we panic and say nothing in the midst of the conflict. We avoid the situation for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. If you are like me, you lay awake in the middle of the night, rethinking the situation and coming up with the perfect solution. Perfect, except you won’t get that moment again to say or do the right thing.
Avoidance IS the correct answer at times. There are times when conflict happens that we don’t need to say or do anything. Don’t feel bad if you avoid confrontation in these times:
– The first time it happens. Naturally, this depends on the situation. For instance, if I’m at the photocopier and a colleague walks away, leaving the copier jammed or empty of paper, is this enough of a situation to have a confrontation about? For me, the first time it happens, I will assume positive intent and assume you didn’t realize it was jammed or empty. I’m taking the high road and won’t confront you about it. However, if this is the second or third time you’ve done it, I might directly discuss it with you.
Because this is a “it depends” type of situation, there are many things I will directly confront with you the first time they happen. That is our individual decision based on the consequences of the behaviour. To me, there are few consequences from leaving the photocopier empty or jammed. However, there are consequences for you to yell at me, belittle me, or embarrass me, so the first time those situations happen, I am less likely to avoid them.
– When the relationship is more important than the situation. Assume you have a high value placed on the relationship, such as your executive, spouse, or best friend. There are times when avoiding the situation is the best answer in the long term.
One of my best friends lied to me recently. I caught her in the lie, yet I chose not to point it out. She has no idea I caught either, as I avoided the confrontation. In my mind, it was childish that she couldn’t tell me the truth in the first place, but for some reason, she felt she needed to lie to me. To preserve the relationship, I didn’t let her know that I knew she wasn’t telling me the truth. I avoided the conversation as the relationship is more important than the little lie I was being told.
Will I always avoid dealing with people when they lie? Absolutely not. It depends on the lie, and it depends on the relationship. We need to know where our boundaries are so we don’t assume that avoiding confrontation when people lie is the right approach.
– It’s an innocent misunderstanding. Above, I mentioned, “assume positive intent.” I’ll assume you didn’t know the photocopier was empty. I’ll assume some things are innocent misunderstandings and avoid them.
Recently, on our group vacation with six other friends, they went to the nightclub after dinner. Warren and I didn’t know they were all going and went to our room instead. When I found out they all partied the night away without us, my feelings were hurt as they didn’t include us in their plans.
While sharing the evening the following day, I said I didn’t know they were all going to the nightclub as we would have gladly joined them. They all professed they assumed another had told us, and we decided to have a quiet night instead.
I perceive that as an innocent misunderstanding. I could have challenged them on feeling left out. I chose not to confront them as this fell into the category of an innocent misunderstanding.
– Mistakes made are not always misunderstanding as above. Sometimes, we are human, and we mess up. If you mess up at work, does that mean we always need to have a confrontation about it? Not in my opinion.
If we agree to meet for lunch and you never show up, I could have a confrontation about how that made me feel. However, if you tell me that you had written it in your agenda for the wrong day and totally forgot, it is a mistake and not a deliberate slight to me.
Deadlines often fall in the category of mistakes or innocent misunderstandings, and a confrontation isn’t always necessary. You might get angry or feel they are doing things deliberately to make you look bad, but we all are human, and we need to give people permission to be less than perfect from time to time and not make a big deal out of it.
Having a conversation or confrontation about the situation isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, it is best to look the other way, not take it personally, and let it be water under the bridge.
However, just because you aren’t prepared doesn’t make the situation worth avoiding. Look at the situation, ask yourself how it makes you feel, and what the consequences of addressing it are versus avoiding the confrontation.
Don’t justify your behavior; instead, make a choice that is right for you. Stay tuned for next week when we discuss when we should postpone our confrontation and more about the “right” answer on the first example I shared when I was willing to have the confrontation, and she wasn’t! Was I right?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-01-31 09:45:012024-01-31 09:45:01When to Confront, Avoid, or Postpone Confrontations Part One: When to Avoid
When someone’s behavior makes it difficult for you to do your job, carry out your everyday duties, or maintain a healthy relationship with them, they can be defined as “difficult.” Ranging from the words they say to their inability to work effectively with others, difficult people can drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally.
While a better understanding of the root of their behavior doesn’t erase your frustration, it can help you with techniques to deal with difficult people. We look at common reasons for difficult behavior, how you can remain calm and composed in the midst of a challenging situation, and how you can deal with conflicts in the workplace and with family.
Understanding Difficult Behavior
When a person makes life more stressful for you, it can be challenging to have empathy for them, or try to understand their point of view. But knowing the background story can give you effective tools for coping.
Reasons for Difficult Behavior
A person can become irritable, aggressive, intolerant, and noncommunicative for a number of both internal and external reasons, including:
Excessive stress. Whether it’s from work or family obligations, stress can cause people to exhibit difficult behaviors. They may become anxious and hard to deal with, moody, short-tempered, or critical. 1
Personality issues. People with strong personalities tend to butt heads. That can be even more apparent when the two people disagree, and each wants their own way.
Triggering events. People who experienced verbal abuse or trauma may immediately lash out if they think that type of behavior is being directed toward them. Triggers can also cause childhood trauma to resurface.
Unresolved conflicts. A tense issue that hasn’t been dealt with is the constant elephant in the room. And the tension can bring irritability and frustration with it.
Communication issues. Misunderstandings, and the inability or lack of effort to communicate clearly, lead to difficult behavior, especially if someone feels slighted.
Personal issues. Relationship problems, financial problems, sickness, mental health issues, and any number of personal concerns can seep into behavior at work and with others.
“Because of the stigma associated with mental illness, many didn’t want me to disclose my diagnosis because they feared what would happen to my career or how people would perceive them as someone closely related to me. During this and previous times that I had conflicted with my close family and friends, I noticed a pattern and was also triggered by them,” she explains.
When you know what causes a person to become difficult and on edge, you can figure out what steps you need to take to deal with their behavior.
If someone is yelling at you, being rude, or even threatening, it’s hard to remain calm. But staying level-headed can be the key to keeping a difficult situation from escalating.
“First and foremost, it is typically not prudent to engage in any type of challenge or restorative conversation when emotions are high,” explains Joseph Galasso, PsyD, Chief Executive Officer and Clinical Psychologist at Baker Street Behavioral Health. “If you are trying to help someone stay calm, model calmness, make sure your voice is steady, and you are clear in what you want to communicate. Be assertive and ask for exactly what you want.”
You can also take steps to regulate your own behavior by taking deep, calming breaths, practicing focused mindfulness, or even taking a break from the situation by removing yourself and coming back to the conversation later. Being aware of your own triggers and coping mechanisms, and harnessing your ability to stay calm, can be the key to a more successful outcome.
“Self-awareness and self-regulation are critical skills for managing problematic behavior. You can stay calm and composed in challenging situations by recognizing your triggers and learning to regulate your emotions,” Bowman notes.
Communicating in an understanding, compassionate way also helps.
“The way you communicate with [difficulty] is imperative as well. To avoid conflict and avoid potentially losing a relationship, I try to understand their emotions and perspectives, which is, again, demonstrating empathy. Also, use the ‘I’ statement. Using the ‘I’ statement avoids accusing or blaming a person but expresses how their feelings affect you,” states Bowman.
When you are face-to-face with someone who is being difficult, your first instinct may be to respond in anger or frustration. However, research shows that practicing empathy can help foster a sense of connection.2 Although it takes work, when you actively listen to someone and try to understand what they are going through, it can help to de-escalate the situation.
Using the ‘I’ statement avoids accusing or blaming a person but expresses how their feelings affect you.
At the same time, offering a listening ear doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be mistreated. You can also effectively communicate by being assertive and letting the other person know what type of behavior you expect. Helping them to understand what you will and will not tolerate in the workplace, in the family dynamic, or in a relationship can create the boundaries that you need.
“Be clear about your boundaries and communicate them assertively. Don’t let problematic behavior cross your boundaries,” Bowman says.
Another communication strategy is incorporating laughter into the situation when appropriate.
“Using humor is great if it comes naturally to you. Same with reframing; both of which I categorize as distractions. If you can get someone else thinking of something else and that helps them calm down physiologically, that is great,” notes Dr. Galasso.
Dealing With Difficult People in Specific Situations
The strategy you use to deal with an uncooperative coworker can be different than how you’d handle a rude, critical family member. And both of those methods can change when you’re dealing with a difficult friend.
With workplace challenges, understanding why a person is being difficult can help with the approach to handling them. A whopping 83% of people say they suffer from work-related stress.3 Do they feel like their job is threatened by you or another coworker? Do they have a long commute or stressful meetings once they arrive at work? No matter the root cause for the behavior, experts say the key thing is not to take it personally.
“When dealing with difficult behavior, remember that their behavior says a lot about their character, not yours. Don’t engage. When possible, I find the 1:3 rule applies to engaging. If you have to engage the person, do it only one out of three times [that] they are provocative,” advises Dr. Galasso. “Let your manager know that you are constantly being challenged by your co-worker’s difficult behaviors and ask them to intervene.”
When possible, I find the 1:3 rule applies to engaging. If you have to engage the person, do it only one out of three times [that] they are provocative.
Family conflicts present a different dynamic. These are people who are often with you day in and day out. Because these are more intimate relationships, where difficult behaviors and disagreements may have been brewing for years, setting boundaries often provides the best solution. “Be assertive and set clear expectations about what a respectful relationship looks like. Be selective with the information you share; trust is earned,” notes Dr. Galasso.
Putting firm boundaries in place is also a good way to handle difficult relationships with friends and in social settings. Make your limits clear and communicate what behavior you will and will not tolerate. Be willing to leave a gathering if necessary to preserve your peace of mind.
Ultimately, dealing with someone who is difficult can be an unpleasant, stress-inducing experience. But being equipped with the tools to deal with the situation can help you find an effective resolution.
“Dealing with difficult people can be challenging, but by protecting your mental health and practicing effective communication and self-care strategies, you can navigate challenging situations with resilience and grace. Remember to prioritize your well-being, set boundaries, seek support, and stay centered, and you’ll be better equipped to handle difficult behavior healthily and productively,” Bowman concludes.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-19 07:25:032023-12-19 07:25:03How to Deal With Difficult People in the Workplace, in Families, and in Friendships
Agrumpy boss, whiny colleague or a petulant customer: all recognisable characters from the everyday drama of work. Modern workplaces can be fraught, so it’s perhaps not surprising that it doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Thankfully fistfights at work are rare. However, we’ve probably all experienced a time when the destructive behaviour of a colleague or boss has left us reeling.
So if there is someone behaving badly in your workplace, here are some tips to help.
Remember that we’re all human
It’s important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So patience and some time may be all that is needed for the individual to get themselves through a sticky patch. Rather than a knee-jerk response to their bad behaviour, instead ask them how they are as you want to make sure they are OK. This is incredibly disarming – and as they see that your aim is to be supportive and not a threat, they may well decide to see you as an ally rather than an adversary.
Be upfront with others
Some people are not very self-aware so maybe you just need to tell them constructively what the problem is or what you need from them. For instance, if a colleague is making barbed comments in your direction, then take them to one side, and ask them why. They’ll either be apologetic as they genuinely didn’t realise it was a problem, or they’ll make some excuse or even try to counter-accuse. Either way, they’ll know it will be risky for them to attempt this again without you hauling them up on it and perhaps escalating it further.
Manage your expectations
It might be a customer making unreasonable demands, your colleague expecting emails to be answered at midnight or your boss continually dumping urgent work on your desk just as you are heading for the exit. Choose a quiet moment when you can talk to them about their expectations and agree on how you can best work together, including what you can and can’t do, realistic timeframes and, if needed, a system for dealing with urgent issues. Having this conversation ahead of time enables a far more rational discussion about what’s needed, rather than one in the heat of a last minute panic.
Be tolerant of different approaches
Every team needs a mix of different personalities and approaches – the pessimist who will point out the flaw in the plan, the ideas person who challenges the status quo, the “do-er” who is impatient with discussion and wants to get things happening. So maybe your nemesis at work is simply someone whose approach is different from yours. Your styles may clash but that doesn’t mean to say they are dysfunctional – in fact it might be just what the team needs.
Observe them closely. How does their approach compare with yours? Are they a detailed person, glass half full or empty, task orientated or relationship focused? Then adjust your style when you communicate with them. For example, if they tend to be a nitpicking pessimist, then they may be more receptive to your ideas if you focus on which might be the least worst of possible scenarios and supply lots of detail. Read up on neuro-linguistic programming to find out how to build rapport and influence the thinking of individuals with very different thinking styles.
Handle aggression assertively
If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it’s OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.
Be mindful of psychological health issues
When an individual continually behaves in a way that is problematic or destructive, then the roots often lie deeper than whatever is happening at work. People are complex and it’s worth remembering that according to Mind statistics, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. So where their behaviour seems emotionally charged or oddly disproportionate to the issue at hand, it may be that there are more deep-seated psychological issues at play.
Sometimes just keeping your cool, using logic and rational argument will be sufficient to de-escalate a situation. However, someone needs to have an honest and supportive conversation with them about what is happening. This may be you or you may need to bring it to the attention of someone else in the organisation to deal with. Organisations on the whole are becoming more aware of their responsibilities to support individuals with mental health issues.
Seek alternative methods as a last resort
Where you’ve tried everything you can to improve a difficult relationship at work but the individual still seems hell bent on making you miserable, then it’s time to look at your options. You could try and ride it out, forge some allies, avoid them where you can and become adept at “covering your back”. You could consider raising a grievance or formal complaint about their behaviour but these rarely end in dismissal so you may still find yourself working with them – and yes, they going to be very angry with you.
The sad reality is that sometimes you come across individuals at work who are psychopathic in their behaviour. Utterly ruthless, these individuals are incredibly resilient, fearless and not constrained by ethics or a moral code. Beware if they have you in their sights, because they are smart, manipulative, very plausible and have no compunction about causing damage.
By the time you’ve wised up to their true behaviour they may already have engineered to get rid of you or beaten you into submission. Will you win against them – unlikely! At least not unless you are prepared to play a similar no holds barred game. It might just be better to run and don’t look back.
These are my tips but have you found any others that worked for you? Drop us a line in the comments below to share your thoughts.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-11 10:00:532023-12-11 10:00:53How to deal with difficult people at work
One of my favorite questions to ask people who are dealing with a difficult colleague is: What would you do about this situation if you could do anything you wanted?
In researching and writing my book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), I had the opportunity to ask this question of dozens of people, and the answers usually ranged from practical to entertaining to a bit scary (there are lots of people who want to punch an annoying colleague in the face!). Many fantasize about quitting dramatically. Others just want to tell their coworker exactly how they feel without mincing words.
I ask this question because I want people to think expansively about how they might respond, and often, without constraints, they land on a strategy that might actually work (not punching someone in the face!).
But there are quite a few tactics that are less productive that we sometimes gravitate toward because we think they’ll help us feel better, when in actuality, they often backfire. They may alleviate our pain in the short term but are ultimately bad for us, the other person, and our organization. Avoiding these common tactics will prevent you from making things worse.
Suppressing your emotions
When you’re at your wit’s end with a challenging colleague and it feels like you’ve tried everything, well-meaning friends and coworkers may tell you to “just ignore it” or to “suck it up” and move on with your life. This can be good advice if you’re truly able to let it go. But often we decide we’re going to do nothing but actually end up doing a whole lot of things, whether it’s stewing about the situation, talking incessantly about it to our partner, or becoming passive-aggressive. Suppressing our emotions rarely helps.
In fact, psychologist Susan David writes that “suppressing your emotions — deciding not to say something when you’re upset — can lead to bad results.” She explains that if you don’t express your feelings, they’re likely to show up in unexpected places.
Psychologists call this emotional leakage. David explains:
Have you ever yelled at your spouse or child after a frustrating day at work — a frustration that had nothing to do with [them]?…When you bottle up your feelings, you’re likely to express your emotions in unintended ways instead, either sarcastically or in a completely different context. Suppressing your emotions is associated with poor memory, difficulties in relationships, and physiological costs (such as cardiovascular health problems).
In other words, sucking it up doesn’t usually decrease your stress level. It raises it.
The risk that you’ll take your negative feelings out on innocent bystanders isn’t the only reason to avoid this tactic. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, points out that, while the intention behind pretending you’re not upset with a difficult colleague may be good — perhaps you want to preserve the relationship — they’re likely to sense your irritation anyway. “Because of emotional contagion, they might not be conscious that you harbor negativity toward them, but it will still have an effect on them. Your passive-aggressiveness is going to come through, even in remote work environments,” she told me in an interview for my book. Research has shown that it’s not just you who suffers the physical impact of suppression either. If you hide anger or frustration, the blood pressure of those around you is likely to rise as well. They may not know exactly what you’re feeling and thinking, but they register underlying tension just the same.
Retaliating
Another tempting response to mistreatment is to fight fire with fire. If your passive-aggressive teammate says one thing in a meeting and does something completely different afterward, why not do the same to them? Or if your pessimistic colleague is going to poke a zillion holes in your ideas, why shouldn’t you take them down when they suggest something new? Unfortunately, stooping to their level doesn’t generally work. You intensify the feeling of being on opposing sides rather than giving the dynamic a chance to change. And retaliation often makes you look bad. Or worse, it violates your values.
To avoid giving into the (understandable) desire for revenge, commit to behaving in line with your values. Sometimes it’s helpful to write them down. What is it that you care about? What matters most to you? If you’re not sure, consider looking at a set of universal values and see which resonate with you, listing them in order of importance. Then, when you’re coming up with a plan for how you want to respond to your insecure boss or biased coworker, refer to the list and make sure that the tactics you land on align with your values.
Shaming
When I’m dealing with someone who pushes my buttons, I often fantasize about sending an email to everyone who knows them, outing them as a jerk. My (flawed) logic is that if the person who has wronged me is humiliated enough, they will be forced to change their ways.
Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule, summed it up this way: “Calling people an asshole is one of the most reliable ways to turn someone into an asshole — or make them hate you.” That’s because feelings of shame rarely inspire us to behave better; more often, they make us lash out further.
I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.
Making your colleague feel as if they’re a bad person, labeling them as a jerk or as someone who plays the victim, is unlikely to improve your relationship.
Similarly, dehumanizing a difficult coworker doesn’t help. It’s easy to demonize the person who causes us harm, but hating them only pits you against one another. Instead, make sure that every step of the way, you remind yourself that you’re dealing with a fellow human, not a robot or an arch villain.
Hoping your colleague will leave
Many of us bank on outlasting our difficult colleagues and focus on making the situation workable until they get fired or move on to another job. But be careful of putting all of your eggs in the “eventually they’ll be gone” basket. Sutton warns that sometimes “removing the bad apples” does little to change the underlying issue, especially if your colleague’s obnoxious behavior is validated by the organizational culture. Often other things need to change to prevent incivility, he says — things like the “incentive system, who’s promoted and rewarded, how meetings are run, and the pressure people are under to perform.”
A few years ago, the head of HR for a health insurance company asked me to train their staff on how to have difficult conversations. She explained that they had a very hierarchical culture and were having trouble getting people to speak up, especially with ideas that challenged the status quo. Nine years earlier, they’d done a survey that showed employees felt it was a very “command and control” environment. Determined to evolve, executives led several culture change initiatives and hired new leaders who were known for having a more collaborative and less autocratic style. Those leaders also replaced people on their teams so that within that nine-year period, almost 80% of the employee population had turned over, including most of the leadership team. But when they conducted the culture survey again, they got almost exactly the same results. The exasperated HR executive told me, “It’s like it’s in the water here.”
Sometimes it’s not individual people who are the problem but the systems that allow, and in some cases encourage, hostility over cooperation. And systems are hard to change. Your dream that your difficult coworker will walk out the door may come true, but there’s no guarantee that the culture will shift or that you’ll get along with their replacement. Ultimately you’re better off trying to create a workable situation with your colleague now than hoping things will improve if they leave.
Will you always be able to avoid these flawed responses? No. Nobody’s perfect, and these unproductive approaches are seductive. But if you get a flat tire, you don’t fix the problem by slashing the other three tires. When you strike out with the first tactic (or several tactics) you choose, try something else — or reach out for help. Maybe your boss, a friend, or a mutual colleague can offer a novel solution. The point is to keep at it; remember: even small improvements can make a big difference.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-05 14:35:462023-12-05 14:35:464 Tactics that Backfire When Dealing with a Difficult Colleague
Having good working relationships with your coworkers is important since you spend so much time there. Unfortunately, some coworkers can be rude, unprofessional, or just plain toxic. It’s easy to get stressed and struggle with productivity when you’re juggling a bad work relationship, but thankfully, there are ways to improve the situation. Read on for a list of ways to help you effectively deal with a difficult coworker—making your job much more enjoyable in the process!
Things You Should Know
Stay away from your difficult coworker as much as you can. Identify your triggers so you can leave if they start acting out.
Get to know your coworker so you can understand why they act the way they do and empathize with their perspective.
Talk to them in private if you need their behavior to change. Be respectful and use “I” language to communicate your feelings and needs to them.
Stay positive in the workplace, avoid gossip, and treat everyone with respect. If there’s no other option, escalate the issue to a supervisor.
1. Limit your time with them.
The easiest way to avoid drama is simply to avoid them when you can. Stay away from difficult coworkers if you don’t have to work with them directly. By limiting your interactions, you’ll also reduce the amount of frustration you feel when dealing with them. When you do need to speak with them, keep the discussion brief but pleasant. Be professional instead of giving the person the cold shoulder.[1]
It’s important to be polite on the few occasions you speak to your coworker to maintain a positive and drama-free work environment.
2. Learn to let it go.
Instead of taking their behavior personally, ignore it and move on. Depending on the situation, it’s healthiest to let go of your anger when a colleague acts out. Their bad behavior isn’t your fault—and so long as it doesn’t interfere with your work, it’s not your problem, either. Letting difficult behavior slide right off your shoulders is often the easiest way to deal with it.[2]
Consider the possibility that your coworker didn’t intend to upset you. They may not even realize they’ve done something you don’t like.
You’re more than justified in confronting a coworker’s difficult behavior when they’re interfering with you and your work performance, but more often than not, it’s not personal.
3. Maintain a cheerful attitude.
Combat a coworker’s negativity with your own optimistic perspective. Does your coworker seem to complain constantly? If you’re faced with a lot of negativity at work, build a positive attitude in response. Your coworker will get the hint when if you subtly change the topic or offer a contrasting positive point of view. Without someone to fuel their negativity, they’ll get bored and move on.[3]
If they don’t get the hint, let them know how you feel about their negativity. Everyone has different ways of venting frustration, and they may not have any idea how their attitude affects you.
Try not to complain unnecessarily yourself, either. It’s hard to get along with a whiny colleague, and sinking to your coworker’s level won’t make them stop.
4. Treat everyone with respect.
Take the high road and show this coworker that you’re more mature. If you’re dealing with jealous or overly competitive coworkers, getting them to work with you can be as simple as acknowledging the role they play on your team. Show respect to all of your coworkers, praise the whole team’s achievements and show them that you value their input. You can be a role model of good workplace behavior![4]
5. Ask for your coworker’s advice.
If your coworker is a know-it-all, asking for advice might appease them. Does your coworker act like they know everything and refuse to listen to your opinions? Instead of arguing, try acknowledging their ideas and asking them to explain further. When difficult coworkers feel like their ideas are seen and valued, they might be more open to your ideas and listen to you in turn.[5]
Hotshot coworkers can be frustrating, but asking for their advice will show them that you’re willing to work with them and have a positive professional relationship.
6. Identify the behaviors that upset you.
It’s easier to get out of stressful situations when you know your triggers. What about your coworker do you find difficult? Reflect on your interactions with them to figure out exactly what rubbed you the wrong way. Then, when you see them start to act that way in the future, excuse yourself before they get under your skin. This way, you’ll be calmer and less stressed at work overall.[6]
Try developing a few other coping mechanisms to help you deal with negative interactions, too.
For example, you might practice deep breathing or meditation, or step away and take a walk or exercise when you feel upset.[7]
7. Get to know your coworker.
Understanding and empathizing with them makes it easier to get along. As you learn about your coworker, you’ll also gain insight into why they behave the way they do. They might be overworked, going through a rough time, or dealing with an unreasonable customer.[8] You deserve to be treated respectfully regardless, but your relationship may improve when you can empathize with their situation.
You might even realize that your coworker has insecurities about their own job performance or feels jealous of your success.
Our Expert Agrees: View your coworkers with compassion. Keep in mind that whatever the other person is responding to about you, it’s not necessarily because you’re doing wrong. In most cases, it’s more about them. Try having a conversation with them where you try to get an idea of what they’re reacting to and why. Often, if you can do that without becoming defensive, you can navigate the situation and work together.
8. Reflect on your behavior.
Consider why you dislike this coworker to ensure you’re being fair. Are you upset because of things that this specific person has done, or are you holding a grudge because they remind you of someone else you don’t like?[9] It’s easy to get annoyed if someone brings up bad memories, but understanding your own feelings can help you let go of unnecessary anger.
Don’t expect your coworker to work the same way you do, either. Consider what you expect them to do before assuming they’re being difficult. You might find that your demands have been a little unrealistic.
9. Address the issue respectfully.
Getting an explanation for their actions may clarify the situation. If you’re having a problem with a coworker who you really do need to work with, try talking to them privately about the issue. Communicate what the problem is, listen to their explanation and side of the story, and let them offer solutions for resolving the problem in addition to making suggestions of your own.[10]
Reference the specific issue at hand instead of making it about your coworker as a person.
For example, instead of saying, “Get your act together, or we’re going to miss our deadline,” say, “I’d like to talk to you about what we can do to get that project you’re working on finished sooner.”
Getting an explanation might even reveal that your coworker has personal issues you don’t know about. You might find that you understand them better after talking.
10. Share your perspective with them politely.
They may change their behavior if you explain how it affects you. If your coworker’s behavior is adversely affecting you, share your thoughts using “I” language to help them understand your position. Statements beginning with “you” sound more accusatory and might actually escalate the problem, whereas “I” statements keep things focused on your feelings rather than your coworker.[11]
For example, you might say, “I find it hard to focus when there’s a lot of background noise,” instead of, “You’re being irritating, and you need to quiet down.”
Similarly, say, “I work best when I know about a presentation two days in advance. Can you try to let me know in the future?” instead of, “You never give me enough time to prepare for presentations.”
Don’t take offense if your coworker offers you some constructive criticism in return. Do your best to learn from it, assuming it’s reasonable.
11. Remain neutral at work.
Steer clear of office gossip to create a positive work environment. It may be tempting to spread gossip about the coworker you don’t like, but it’s always best not to get involved. If another coworker is spreading gossip, just walk away or tell them that you’re not interested in hearing about it. You could also simply bring up a new topic and redirect the conversation to something not so negative.[12]
When speaking to a known gossip, avoid discussing anything not directly related to work.
You can always use professionalism as an excuse to avoid being rude! You could say, “I’m sorry, but I generally try not to talk about non-work issues while in the office.”
12. Focus on the positive aspects of your job.
The best parts of your job will distract you from your coworker’s issues. When you have to deal with a difficult coworker day in and day out, it’s easy to feel burned out from stress. To combat this, remember all the reasons you enjoy your job! Spend time building friendships with other coworkers; the more you have to look forward to, the easier dealing with your problem coworker will be.[13]
13. Accept your differences.
It’s important to remember that there are just some people you won’t like. It’s great to be friendly with your coworkers, and you should always try to be nice to everyone at work, but that doesn’t mean that every coworker will be your best friend. If your coworker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you just don’t vibe with their personality, simply accept that and don’t let your differences bother you.[14]
Look for ways to tolerate one another enough to work together effectively. You don’t need to be best friends to do good work together!
14. Talk to a supervisor.
Escalate the issue if your coworker’s behavior violates company policy. In some cases, the best thing to do is tell a superior (such as a manager or your company’s HR department) about your coworker’s behavior. That way, they can deal with the employee according to company policy. Before reporting them, take a moment to consider whether the situation is worth reporting to avoid unnecessary conflict.[15]
Document your grievances, so you have evidence if you escalate the issue to a supervisor. If possible, keep a log of their behavior, along with hard evidence like emails and messages.
Besides breaking company rules, if the coworker’s behavior is actively impacting your performance or making you feel unsafe, it may be worth reporting them.
The appropriateness of this option will depend upon the unique situation and your office culture. Use your best judgment!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-11-14 13:51:262023-11-14 13:51:26How to Deal with Difficult Co-Workers: 14 Effective Strategies
In every workplace, there are people — many of whom have earned respect and positions of power — who behave in ways that are thoughtless, ambiguous, irrational, and even sometimes downright malicious.
It can be challenging to know exactly how to work with people who act like this. Odds are, no one has sat you down and said, “Here’s how you push back on an aggressive know-it-all,” or “Try this approach for dealing with an incessant naysayer.” You likely never took a class on handling a colleague who plays dirty office politics or had a mentor share advice on what to do if you find yourself working for an incompetent boss.
However, when we don’t address these small conflicts with our coworkers, the stress can affect our productivity, make work miserable, and even bleed into other aspects of our lives. That’s why it’s important to learn why challenging colleagues behave the way they do, master tactics for dealing with their most difficult traits, and ultimately decide when to persist in our efforts or to walk away.
Building a relationship with a difficult colleague may seem hard, but it’s a skill you can learn. Here are three common archetypes of difficult coworkers, the behaviors they often exhibit, and how you can manage your relationship with them.
The Pessimist
What it looks like:
The more Simran allowed her colleague Theresa to vent her concerns about the company and her life, the more time Theresa spent complaining to her. Theresa couldn’t seem to find anything positive to say — ever — and even seemed to enjoy coming up with all the different ways a project or initiative could fail. For Simran, Theresa’s griping was becoming a physical and psychological drain.
Why it happens:
There are a lot of reasons why pessimists think and behave the way they do. A pessimist could be motivated by anxiety, a desire for power, or resentment for how they’ve been treated in the past. Still, some might have legitimate reasons for being negative. For example, during the launch of a new product, they may articulate risks related to getting customers to buy into the new idea, or point out workplace issues that most people are refusing to acknowledge or notice.
Regardless of why a pessimist acts the way they do, it’s important to find ways to work productively with this person. After all, negative attitudes can be contagious, infecting not just you but the whole team.
Tactics to try:
Acknowledge their complaints; then reframe them. For instance, if the pessimist grumbles that another team member is lazy, say something like, “It’s a busy time for everyone. I bet they’re doing more than we can see.” Don’t be patronizing, or mean, but present an alternative view. You can also ask your colleague to be constructive. For example, you could say, “I can see why you’re frustrated. Do you think there’s anything we can do?” Or “What could we try next time?” The goal is to increase the cynic’s sense of agency by pointing out actions they can take, or even telling a story of a time when you encountered similar circumstances and responded productively.
Use their outlook as a positive tool. If your colleague is a natural at pointing out risks, perhaps that can be part of their formal role. You’ve undoubtedly heard the advice to appoint a “devil’s advocate” who is tasked with raising difficult questions and challenging a group’s thinking. Research shows that giving at least one person the right to push back in this way leads to better decision making for the team as a whole. If you’re their manager, you can ask them to play this role. If you’re not, consider seeking out your colleague’s perspective when you need a more critical eye on a project you’re working on or a decision you’re making.
Agree to team norms. Although singling people out is sometimes counterproductive, you can set norms for the whole team that will nudge a killjoy in the right direction. For example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?” You might also agree that criticism should be accompanied by a suggestion of what to do instead.
Some phrases to use with a pessimist:
“What would need to be true for us to succeed?”
“If you’re unhappy with (person, leader, project), let’s discuss what steps you can take to change the situation. I have some ideas but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.”
“There’s a part of me that agrees with you that this might not work. And another part of me thinks it will. Let’s tease out both perspectives.”
“You’re good at identifying the downsides. What might we be missing here?”
The Passive-Aggressive Peer
What it looks like:
Malik was at his wit’s end with his coworker, Susan, who would act like she was on board with a decision in a meeting, but then drop the ball and deflect the blame toward him. Susan would often say one thing but do another, display negative body language but insist everything was “fine,” and make insults that sounded like compliments.
Why it happens:
Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who studies interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive aggression as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings. Often, it’s driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a feeling of powerlessness.
Tactics to try:
Avoid labeling them as passive-aggressive. It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying, “stop being so passive aggressive,” will only make things worse. It’s a loaded phrase, and it’s rare that someone would be willing to acknowledge or own up to such behavior. More likely, calling them out will only make them angrier and more defensive. Instead, try using strategies that help you understand their perspective better.
Focus on the underlying message, not their behavior. Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals? Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you may be able to address the actual problem.
Create a safe environment for an honest conversation. Social psychologist Heidi Grant told me in an interview for my book, Getting Along, that the best tactic is making clear that you’re interested to show interest in the other person’s perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear. You might say, “I heard your views during the meeting and interpreted it as…did I get it right?” The advantage to opening up a conversation is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.
Some phrases to use with a passive-aggressive peer:
“I heard you say [quick summary] but I wasn’t sure if you meant something else. Is there something I’m not understanding?”
“I noticed that you pushed away from the table (or rolled your eyes). What’s your reaction to this discussion?”
“I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry but just want to be sure everything’s OK.”
The Know-It-All
What it looks like:
Lucia’s colleague Ray loved to talk. If people tried to interrupt him, he just raised his voice and spoke over them. Lucia interpreted his diatribes as Ray saying, “I know what the team and company needs and everyone else should just listen.” Ray seemed convinced that he was the smartest person in the room, and he loved telling people what was “right,” even when he was clearly wrong.
Why it happens:
Confidence can be a good thing, but confidence without competence can cause people to ignore feedback, act condescendingly, and take credit for group successes. Some know-it-alls have adopted this demeanor to compensate for feelings of insecurity. For others, the behavior has been encouraged by corporate norms. Either way, they can undermine team cohesiveness and demean you to the point of damaging your career.
Tactics to try:
Address interruptions. One way to avoid interruptions is to preemptively request that people refrain from interjecting. Before you start talking, explain how much time (roughly) you’re going to need and say something like, “Please hold any comments or questions until I’m done.” If you’re not making a formal presentation but are just having a discussion where some back and forth is expected, you might say instead, “Interruptions break my concentration so I’d appreciate it if I could finish my thoughts before you jump in.” If your efforts to preempt interruptions fail, address them directly. But don’t just raise your voice. That sets up a power struggle and your colleague is likely to talk louder in an attempt to drown you out. Instead, confidently say, “I’m going to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
Ask for specific facts. Another habit of the know-it-all is to proclaim things they have no way of knowing for sure, like “In a year, no one will even be talking about this recession.” When this happens, understand that it’s okay to ask people for sources or data that back up their declarations. Be respectful, not confrontational. You might say something like, “I’m not sure we’re working with the same assumptions and facts. Let’s step back and take a look at the data before we proceed.” If you don’t have data, you might even suggest you all gather some. For instance, if your colleague insists that customers will hate a new product feature, is it feasible to run a short customer survey?
Model humility. Many show-offs act the way they do because implicitly or explicitly they’ve received messages that projecting confidence is what’s expected on your team, in your organization, or in the culture they’re from. You can provide a different model by displaying humility and open-mindedness. Try saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have that information right now, let me get back to you.” If the know-it-all sees that you suffer no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they may be willing to do the same.
Some phrases to use with a know-it-all:
“I’d appreciate it if you would respect that I know what I’m doing. I value your input and I’ll definitely ask for it when I need it.”
“Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”
“I’m going to continue, and I’ll address that when I’m done.”
“Tell me about where your insights are coming from.”
. . .
Much of the advice here requires you to be “the adult in the room.” And you may be wondering why you should do all the work if your colleague is the one causing the problems. Truthfully, it’s not on you to change another person’s behavior, and oftentimes, you can’t. What you can change is your approach to navigating relationships that are critical in your work life. You may notice that sometimes trying something new, even something small, can shift the dynamic between you and a coworker who gets under your skin. Hopefully, with this advice, you’ll be able to more easily put work conflict in its place, freeing up valuable time and mental capacity for the things that really matter to you.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-11-01 12:45:432023-11-01 12:45:433 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them
Jamie Birt is a career coach with 6+ years of experience helping job seekers navigate the job search through one-to-one coaching, webinars and events. Currently based in Austin, she started her career working for Big Brothers and Big Sisters Chicago, creating match relationships and supporting 100+ children for over 3 years.
Almost everyone has to work with a challenging co-worker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and co-workers you enjoy.
In this article, we discuss the importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker and list 12 ways you can deal with a difficult co-worker.
The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker
Knowing how to deal with a difficult co-worker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.
How to deal with a difficult co-worker
Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult co-worker:
1. Learn to voice your thoughts.
If your co-worker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:
“I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”
“I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”
“I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”
Sometimes getting to know your challenging co-worker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of view. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.
3. Focus on your positive relationships.
Rather than dwelling on this co-worker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other co-workers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite co-workers to do something fun outside of work.
When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this co-worker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.
You may find that this co-worker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.
If other co-workers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.
Limiting the amount of time you spend with this co-worker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by co-workers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle to be mindful of their feelings.
Even if this person acts unprofessionally, you must have the skills to be a better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.
9. Know your trigger points.
Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus on directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.
Though it may be easy to focus on this co-worker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other co-workers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.
11. Reflect on your own actions.
While thinking about this co-worker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.
Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your co-worker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-10-23 13:22:112023-10-23 13:22:1112 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Co-Worker
When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.
Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.
What makes someone a difficult person?
Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.
Poor communication
They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.
Lack of empathy
Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.
Criticism
Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.
How do you spot a difficult person?
It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:
Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.
How do you not let a difficult person affect you?
There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.
With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.
1. Pay attention to how you react
How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.
2. Stay calm
Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”
When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.
3. Do your own Inner Work®
Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.
For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.
How do you deal with a difficult person?
The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:
How do you deal with a difficult person?
Listen to them
Get into their shoes
Honor both of your needs
Use humor
Practice
When all else fails, eject
Create a buffer
Practice self-care
1. Listen to them
When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.
If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.
2. Get into their shoes
From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.
Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.
3. Honor both of your needs
Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.
What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.
4. Use humor
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.
5. Practice
If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.
6. When all else fails, eject
If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.
Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.
The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.
7. Create a buffer
Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.
If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.
8. Practice self-care
Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.
It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.
Difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.
As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.
If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.
When to escalate a conflict to HR
While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.
You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:
Bullying
Harassment
Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
Other coworkers
Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws
In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.
Final thoughts
No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.
We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-10-12 08:06:022023-10-12 08:06:02How to deal with difficult people — without harming your mental health
The first step in dealing with a difficult colleague is to remind yourself that everybody has a life outside of work. Sometimes, for some people, their home life creates stress they can’t leave at the door—and with everything going on in the world, many are struggling. Approaching people with empathy, even though you find them challenging in the moment, is usually a good starting point.
This doesn’t mean you can’t, or shouldn’t, create boundaries and set some reasonable ground rules. Especially if your colleague’s behavior affects your work performance. Because the reality is that, while sometimes people just need a little empathy, other times the issue might be a conflict of personalities—and owning your part in that is important.
In the worst-case scenario, you could be dealing with a toxic personality.
The easiest answer might seem to be to ignore the issue, but that won’t make it go away, and can even make the situation worse. The good news is that, even though it can be tough, addressing a difficult person’s behavior can make the workplace a better environment for everyone.
We explore some strategies you can consider using to improve your working relationships with team members, and to grow as a professional in the face of difficult personalities.
Why you should try to fix a difficult working environment
Most of us don’t get to choose who we work with. If we’re lucky, we like all of our colleagues. But when we don’t, we still have to get our jobs done. Finding ways to work with people we don’t get along with is a necessary skill to be successful in business.
Ignoring the issue, and neglecting to deal with a difficult person’s behavior, can cause a range of problems. For example:
Workplace conflict decreases team productivity. Difficult co-workers can impact the entire team’s performance. Challenging work environments often lead to organizational cynicism and weaken the commitment that team members feel toward the organization. A workplace where people can’t effectively work together will struggle to improve or produce quality products.
Workplace conflict can create a stressful environment. Additionally, research indicates that certain social interactions at work can lead to the development of stress, depression, and psychiatric disorders. This can increase organizational turnover and perpetuate an environment where professionals don’t want to come in.
Workplace conflict can affect your personal life.Research looking at how work interactions impact behavior at home found that people who spend their workdays in a stressful environment tend to act with hostility at home. In other words, a negative work environment can impact your family life and interpersonal relationships.
Fortunately, there are strategies you can use to better cope with challenging people and build better relationships.
How to deal with difficult people at work
Research exploring conflict cycles shows the importance of addressing problems promptly and prioritizing them from the beginning rather than allowing them to escalate. Similarly, the process should be cooperative and a part of the overall workplace process for the greatest impact.
1. Take a step back and ask yourself what your role is
Before you ask what actions you need to take to deal with a difficult colleague, make sure you’ve considered your role in the situation. It may be that the person you’re dealing with is toxic, but other factors could be at play, and you’ll want to approach the situation holistically before it escalates.
For example, one person might unintentionally offend another, and that person responds unprofessionally. This can create a negative feedback loop in which two otherwise good people have bad chemistry that magnifies every negative interaction between them.
Ask yourself a few questions to try and objectively look at the situation.
Does this person have problematic relationships with other people?
Did this person’s behavior change at any point—indicating that perhaps something happened that led to the deterioration of the relationship?
Have you given the person a chance to explain their negative behavior?
Have you done anything that contributes to the poor chemistry between the two of you?
The situation may very well not be your fault in any way. But often, a simple conversation can dramatically improve a relationship. And as you look at the other steps in resolving the situation, you’ll want to be prepared, to have done your due diligence, and to have self-advocated as best as the situation allows.
Skipping this step can lead to you being unprepared when the problematic co-worker begins pointing fingers and blaming you for any problems that exist.
2. Practice empathy
Remember that we often don’t know what’s going on in the lives of other professionals. Your challenging co-worker could have stress in their personal life that impacts their behavior at work, and difficult situations at home can lead to poor behavior at work.
Empathy begins with active listening, which requires that the other person feel that they are in a safe space and won’t be judged if they have something sensitive on their mind.
Work to understand their frustration and point of view, even if you disagree with its cause. Validate the other person’s emotions without minimizing their situation. Imagine not how you would react to their situation, but how you would hope to be treated if you were in a situation that caused similar emotions
Once you understand another person’s struggles, it can be easier to give them the leeway, space, and even help that they may need.
3. Create boundaries
Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it’s an important skill that can help you navigate an otherwise toxic situation. Consider these basic guidelines to help you set effective boundaries:
Take time to think carefully about what your boundaries will be in the workplace. Know where you want to draw your lines beforehand so that you can be prepared to act. Your wellbeing is the first priority. After that should come meeting the goals of the team, as well as your own professional development.
Remember that you can only control your behavior and no one else’s. Focus on what you will do and how you’ll respond rather than trying to police how others behave. Your response might include choosing not to respond to rude behavior, narrowing your focus on your boundaries and performance, or looping your manager in on disagreements.
Focus on the process, not the people. Look at the goals your team shares and celebrate the parts that each of you play in achieving those goals. The boundaries you create for yourself will include your responsibilities, and by shifting the focus to those you signal to everyone where your boundaries are. Perhaps you can even de-escalate a situation by giving credit where credit is due.
Try not to get emotional. Approaching the problems with a difficult personality calmly and rationally will lead to the best possible outcomes. Be firm in setting your boundaries. Be firm in keeping them. And be aware that truly toxic people will try to get a negative reaction out of you, that they can use to blame you for the situation.
Don’t let yourself get drawn into a power struggle. The only way to win a power struggle is to not get involved in a power struggle. Setting boundaries isn’t about you being right and the other person being wrong. Boundaries establish what you’re comfortable with, what you feel you can handle successfully, and what you believe is expected of you in your role.
4. Try to talk to the person
Reaching out to your co-worker is an important part of the resolution process, and should be done as soon as there’s a problem. Often, two people simply have different ways of looking at situations and approaching people, and the other person might not realize how large the issue has become between the two of you.
In a best-case scenario, you might resolve the problem with better communication and mutual understanding. With a more difficult personality, however, the conversation may need to take on a more strategic turn. You can use this as an opportunity to make your boundaries clear to everyone.
Failing to address the issue head-on can allow the problem to fester, which can turn into resentment and make the problem harder to solve later on.
If you feel comfortable, talk with the other person privately first, before you get management involved. Be respectful and schedule a time that works for both of you. Remember as you walk into the meeting that they might not realize the impact their words have had on you. Structure the conversation in a positive way, focusing on shared goals and outputs rather than looking to accuse them of wrongdoing.
5. Always act with respect
Treating a co-worker with disrespect not only makes the problem worse, but also makes you part of the problem. If you react unprofessionally to a difficult personality, you are no longer the victim of their poor behavior, but are one-half of a toxic situation. Don’t let a toxic colleague get ammunition on you by rising to their bait.
If you feel yourself getting emotional and think you might be getting close to lashing out disrespectfully, step away. Take yourself out of the situation so that you have time to cool off and gain control of your emotions.
This is also an indication that the time has come to get your manager involved. Once you have fully cooled off, reach out to your manager and describe the situation in a calm and rational way.
6. Focus on your work
As you deal with difficult people at work, make sure you don’t allow it to detract from your ability to do your job well. Focus on doing your work the best you can, communicating with team members to coordinate, and prioritizing the task at hand rather than constantly analyzing the behavior of your co-worker.
As situations with a difficult co-worker come up, approach them from the standpoint of how it affects your ability to do your job. While this isn’t the primary concern—your health and wellbeing are—framing the discussion in this way can help supervisors find solutions that work for everyone.
This will also give your team and management a positive impression of you and your conflict-management skills.
7. Control your reactions
Carefully examine your own reactions. See if there might be something in the person’s personality, for example, that triggers you to respond more strongly to their comments and actions than you would with someone else.
Sometimes, we allow past experiences to spill over and affect how we interpret someone’s behavior, causing us to overreact to a difficult colleague.
If you’ve examined your reactions and know that you’re not out of line, try to remain calm. Not reacting to attempts to provoke you may result in the person changing their behavior.
What to do if nothing seems to work
If nothing seems to work when dealing with a difficult person at work, it might be time to escalate the issue and involve others. But first, you’ll want to prepare.
Record the timeline of the problem. Begin by constructing a timeline of the problem. Note that your manager doesn’t want to just hear about interpersonal problems. They’re more concerned with issues that impact your productivity. Articulate clearly—and not emotionally—the problems that have risen and the steps you’ve taken to try and resolve the issue.
Make a compelling case. When you present your conflict to those in your organization, you need to make a compelling case. This might mean including specific actions the toxic person did with the dates and times that they occurred. You might even present video evidence of the issue.
Escalate the situation to management. Once you’ve collected all your information, ask your manager to schedule a time for the discussion. Present your information clearly, articulating how the challenges have impacted your role in the organization. If you have notes of specific examples of the person’s actions, bring them with you.
Put some physical distance between you and the difficult person. Once you’ve stated your case, put some distance between you and your co-worker. Either party should have the option to adjust their work arrangement if they desire. Avoiding working together can help reduce stress until the issue is resolved.
If the problem has bigger roots, try changing your job as a last resort. Finally, as a last resort, if all else fails and nothing has worked to resolve the problem, you may have to consider looking for a new job. This isn’t something you should take lightly, though, and you’ll want to carefully weigh the decision’s pros and cons. Is this one person worth leaving behind your current position and team?
Types of difficult behavior
Difficult co-workers come in a variety of shapes and sizes. This can make it difficult to know how to approach a specific individual. However, we explore some of the most common types of difficult people you might encounter.
The passive-aggressive worker
A passive-aggressive person struggles to express what they mean or want. Instead, they mask their aggression. This lack of clear communication can cause disruption in your work life, such as a fellow professional saying one thing to one member of their team and something else to another.
If you find yourself dealing with a passive-aggressive colleague, consider following these tips.
Consider the likely motivators of the behavior, such as avoiding conflict or feelings of defensiveness.
Speak to them directly about the problem, using notes or records as needed to support your view. If they don’t respond initially, you may need to ask for a mediator.
Build a rapport with the co-worker. Help them learn how to communicate directly with you and use a calm demeanor so that they feel comfortable telling you all types of information, including bad news.
The gossipy worker
A gossipy worker loves to tell stories about others in the workplace. This can hurt reputations and working relationships, particularly when sensitive information is revealed.
However, gossip is very common. In fact, studies indicate Americans spend about 40 minutes per week gossiping.
If you’re dealing with this type of co-worker, make sure to set up strong boundaries around gossip.
Change the subject when the professional starts to gossip.
Tell them directly that you don’t want to engage in gossip if they won’t let you change the subject.
Limit what you reveal about your personal life to help minimize what they say about you.
The “always busy” worker
The “always busy” colleague never seems to have time to help you out. This can affect getting jobs done and impede collaboration. To better manage this situation:
Ask the co-worker about their schedule. You might be inquiring around the same time of the week and running into the same obstacle. They might be better able to help at a different point in the week.
Try to coordinate early on in projects to improve your own flexibility. You might get a better response if you let your co-worker know ahead of time what you will need, allowing you both to find a time in the future to work together.
Help your colleague with time management. If the team member always seems to be overwhelmed by their responsibilities, offer to show them some time management tricks and tips that have helped you get a handle on the workload.
The lone worker
The lone worker doesn’t seem to be a team player and doesn’t work well with the rest of the group. This can lead to poor morale and make it difficult for the team to function as a cohesive unit. The team member can also become unintentionally ostracized, which can exacerbate the problem. To help:
Speak to them directly rather than guessing at their motivations for their behavior.
Ensure that roles and responsibilities are known by everyone on the team.
Build a rapport with the co-worker and work to bring them more into the fold of the team.
The slacker worker
A team member who slacks off doesn’t appear to take their roles and responsibilities seriously. They may not complete their assigned tasks or seem to do as little as possible. This can make it hard to hit deadlines, can affect relationships with others on the team, and can hinder success.
To deal with a slacker worker:
Speak directly with the co-worker to demonstrate empathy and see if there is something going on you were unaware of or if they may need support. For example, you might not have realized that the worker was confused about their role or felt heavily criticized last time they tried to contribute.
Carefully evaluate your own behavior to see if you’ve done anything that may have inadvertently encouraged the behavior.
Clearly articulate expectations and provide the team member with some scaffolding to try again.
Don’t cover for them, but cultivate a relationship to help them take responsibility and feel more integrated with the group. Help build their self-esteem and self-confidence as a capable professional.
The narcissistic worker
A narcissistic co-worker thinks very highly of themselves and won’t hesitate to manipulate others, use people, or show a complete disregard for the needs of others. They don’t have much empathy.
If you see signs that a colleague is a narcissist, try doing a few things.
Avoid getting too close to someone this manipulative, even if it seems like it would be good to have them on your side.
Set clear boundaries and enforce them, such as not expecting you to respond to work calls or emails after a certain time.
Take time for self-care, even if it’s just stepping outside for a few minutes when you see the narcissist trying to manipulate the situation.
Maintain careful records of your contributions to projects so that no one can take credit for your work.
Don’t let a difficult co-worker affect your work
Dealing with a difficult co-worker can have a significant impact on your work environment—from making it hard to focus on the task at hand to having work stress bleed over into personal time. Consider the strategies outlined above and how you can use these tips to address the problem and move forward professionally. It’s important to take the time to explore what may work best for you, as each situation may have different nuances.
Do you have a good grasp of conflict resolution in the workplace and know you can help other businesses with human resources (HR) consulting? Consider offering your services through Project Catalog™. You can help set up teams for success by dealing with difficult people at work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-09-27 10:00:482023-09-27 10:00:48How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.
Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.
Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”
Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.
THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:
Callousness
Grandiosity
Aggressiveness
Suspiciousness
Manipulation
Domineering
Risk-taking
Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.
HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?
Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.
1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.
For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.
To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.
Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.
2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.
You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.
A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.
Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.
Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.
Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.
Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful.
Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare.
Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.
3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.
While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.
Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.
Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:
Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.
4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.
If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.
LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.
Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.
Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-09-19 12:21:462023-09-19 12:21:464 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Difficult people in the workplace don’t just make your life miserable, they hurt the company too, causing low morale, absenteeism, and turnover. And because no one wants to work with difficult coworkers, projects fail and productivity falters, negatively impacting the bottom line.
Worse, difficult colleagues can cause physical harm in some situations. Pharmacy executive Vinay Patel points out that toxic coworkers “create barriers to open two-way communication which impedes maintaining efficient workflows.” This in turn puts safe and effective patient care at risk.
It’s imperative that unprofessional employees are dealt with before the fallout becomes irreversible. Successful people have strategies for handling difficult people. These can be used by managers and subordinates, so it doesn’t matter if the difficult person is a boss, peer or employee. You’ll still be able to handle the issue with poise and respect.
When difficult people become toxic people
There are many types of behavior that can make people difficult to deal with. Some are simply annoying: a coworker has an irritating habit, like constantly clearing their throat or humming tunelessly as they work. You may want to pull your hair out, but these unconscious behaviors don’t usually have negative intent behind them and won’t affect the company as a whole.
People who are mulishly stubborn or hypercritical, on the other hand, can become toxic very quickly, creating a hostile work environment.
Same with coworkers (or managers) who don’t pull their weight or who take credit for their colleagues’ work and ideas. We’ve all probably experienced the office bully or gossip. In all cases, these disrespectful behaviors do impact everyone around them as well as the company morale and productivity, and need to be addressed.
It’s important to know that difficult people are usually oblivious to the effect they have on others. “Most of the time people don’t realize that they’re as destructive as they are,” says Georgetown University professor Christine Porath, author of “Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace.” “They’re too focused on their own behaviors and needs to be aware of the broader impact.”
This lack of self-awareness points to a low emotional intelligence, not to toxic intent. And although they may not seem as though they care what others think of them, most people want to be liked.
Still, even if they’re not being passive-aggressive or petulant on purpose, they are controlling the work environment they’re in. Colleagues and managers go out of their way to avoid dealing with difficult people, so the complainers and opinionated staff get away with doing less work or with handing in sub-par results. It’s necessary then to take back control. You can’t force the lazy coworker or office bully to work harder or be nicer ; however, you can control your reactions to those behaviors.
Before taking action, take a moment to realize the label you’ve tagged a difficult person with has created a bias. Every interaction you have with that person will be informed by that bias. In his TEDx Talk, consultant Jay Johnson gives an example of this. A coworker you call stubborn comes across differently than a friend who has the same behavior but whom you describe as passionate or dedicated.
You don’t have to act on this, but you should be aware of it so you can separate the person from the behavior. A bad first impression may have colored your entire perception of that so-called “difficult” coworker.
Step away and choose when to engage
Psychologist Travis Bradberry, coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, lays out the steps successful people take to deal with difficult behavior. These include:
Physically limit the amount of time you spend with chronic gossips, complainers, and nitpickers. It seems obvious, but the less air you give them, the less negativity they can spread.
In the same way, distance yourself emotionally. You won’t gain anything by engaging in irrational behavior, so disengage. Respond only to facts, not feelings.
Disengaging isn’t quite the same as choosing your battles, another proven step in dealing with difficult people. The latter is when you decide if something is important enough to argue for.
As career strategist Linda Raynier puts it: “Avoid petty conflicts, but engage in professional conflicts.” If for example certain employee behaviors are making workplace processes inefficient, it’s important that you present an evidence-based solution, whether you’re speaking to senior management or coworkers. This way, you don’t come off as just another complainer, but rather as someone who can solve a problem that’s costing the company time and money.
It may sound simplistic to say “talk out your differences”, but often real communication is vital to resolving a difficult working relationship. It’s how you approach the conversation that can make all the difference: that includes the language you use and knowing how to actively listen.
Cognitive psychologist and organizational development consultant Laree Kiely is a big believer in co-creating solutions, so everybody wins. “At the root of almost all conflict is who gets to tell who what to do,” she explains. In order to sidestep that problem, you have to find common ground on which both parties can agree. Then you can move into the problem you want to solve, posing it as a concern, not a disagreement. The last step is to create a dialogue by asking the other person’s advice: “What do you think we could do about that?”
When you use inclusive language to influence behavior, you make a contract between you and the other person.
And don’t forget to take care of yourself. Develop and use healthy coping skills you can call into play when things get tough. Psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do, says to do whatever works to keep yourself mentally strong, including practices like gratitude and mediation.
If you’re rolling your eyes, consider this. Studies show that you can lower your blood pressure significantly in 30 seconds by taking six deep breaths. As your body calms, your stress level and instinctive fight/flight response decreases too. Don’t be afraid to take an actual time out if you’re in the middle of a heated confrontation. Suggest a break and then reconvene when you’re both calmer so you can work toward a resolution.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-08-31 07:23:142023-08-31 07:23:14How Successful People Deal With Difficult People
Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.
When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.
Part of the curriculum at the Chopra’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:
What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)
These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?
The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.
1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:
Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.
2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using
Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:
Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.
When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a positive new direction.
3. Don’t Take it Personally
When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.
In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate difficult conversations and potential conflict.
4. Practice Defenselessness
This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in a difficult situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary of their negativity.
Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.
5. Walk Away if Necessary
Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to set boundaries and consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the difficult situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.
6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity
As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.
Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”
7. Resonate Compassion
Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person is coping with their own issues; has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.
Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.
Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-08-22 09:20:142023-08-22 09:20:147 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People
Dealing with difficult people is a challenge, but you can overcome it by following a few simple steps. I know this because I’m that person who is sometimes difficult to deal with and I can fix difficult situations too.
I don’t intend to be difficult; that is never the goal. Neither does your difficult person intend to be difficult (although I appreciate that it feels that way). It is just that the two of you have different wants and needs, and they are not aligned.
By looking at the situation differently, you can often deal with your difficult person without being difficult yourself.
1. Define the problem.
Before developing a solution, you must define what you’re trying to solve. Do you have different viewpoints on how to do things? Does it feel that they say the opposite every time you say one thing? Or do you feel like it’s never good enough, no matter what you do at work? We could all face many daily issues that make us feel frustrated and annoyed, but to fix the situation, we need to define it clearly.
2. Look at the situation from their viewpoint
It’s essential to see the other point of view even if you disagree with it.
Traffic is a great example. You are in the left (passing) lane and are driving over the speed limit, but the car behind you is driving very close to your bumper and flashing their lights. They clearly want you to move over so they can get by. You’ve decided they are being difficult as they want to drive too fast and want you to move, and you don’t want to move over.
Look at it from their perspective. They see you as the difficult person. They want to drive faster, and you are slowing them down.
You may not agree that you are being difficult, but you must be prepared to see it from their perspective. Can you see (not necessarily agree) that they perceive you as the difficult person in this situation? When you see it, the solution is often obvious (move over) instead of prolonging the situation to prove that you are correct (whether you are or not).
3. Different doesn’t mean wrong!
People have different beliefs, and being different doesn’t mean they are wrong or even that they are being difficult.
In the opening paragraph, I identified myself as sometimes being a difficult person. I’m not a jerk, and I’m not a challenge to work with. I potentially do things differently than you do, and you may define me as difficult because we aren’t the same or don’t always agree on some things.
Our neighbors have defined Warren and me as difficult. The Rideau River (where we live) is extremely weedy. It is shallow and warm, and weeds love those conditions. We don’t love the weeds at all, so we will jump in the river with our rake and rake the riverbed to dislodge the weeds. Our neighbors don’t like that we loosen them as they float down the river (they live down the river from us).
Asking us not to remove our weeds isn’t reasonable from our perspective (hard to have a swimming spot for the kids when it is filled with weeds). I understand they don’t like the weeds floating on their beach, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong to remove mine. Nor does it mean that I’m difficult because I won’t stop removing my weeds just because they don’t like the results.
4. Find a win/win
You have the right to your beliefs and opinions. The other person does, too, and there will be times when you can negotiate and find a win/win for you both. There will be times when that doesn’t happen, either because there is no middle ground or because one person isn’t willing to negotiate.
My brother and I grew up constantly arguing about what television show we would watch together. We had entirely different tastes. We negotiated a situation where it seemed fair to us both. He would pick the first program, and I picked the second. We took turns.
That did mean that every second show was something I didn’t want to watch, but our negotiation worked for us both, therefore win/win.
5. Be flexible.
If I dug my heels in and said my brother was bullying me to watch something I didn’t want to when it was his choice, I am being difficult. I am unwilling to compromise and want only a solution that appeals to me. We need to be careful that we aren’t being difficult that way.
There will be times when there is no win/win (our neighbors are a great example), but you always want to be flexible (to avoid being the difficult person).
The most important thing to remember when dealing with difficult people is that difficult people situations are always two-way. They feel difficult to you, and you feel difficult to them. Avoid being the difficult person by following a few simple steps.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/crop.seven-strategies-for-dealing-with-difficult-people-article-image.jpg.standard-featured-image.800x320.jpg320800Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-08-15 13:13:542023-08-15 13:15:01Dealing With Difficult People
TERRI COLE IS A NEW YORK CITY-BASED, LICENSED PSYCHOTHERAPIST, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, AND FOUNDER OF THE REAL LOVE REVOLUTION® & BOUNDARY BOOTCAMP® Contact Terri at support@terricole.com
Do you have people in your life who are so difficult and demanding that speaking your mind feels like it’s not even worth the hassle?
If you’re nodding your head, then this episode is for you.
I’m giving you proactive ways to approach impossible people and tips to verbally de-escalate situations so you can protect yourself from being harmed by future interactions!
Having to deal with difficult personalities and unreasonable people is a fact of life.
The question is: how do we deal with those folks and keep our sanity intact? The answer: we have to get strategic. If not, we leave ourselves too vulnerable to deal with whatever it is they are dishing out. Having a strategy ahead of time prepares us for the inevitable moments of stress and conflict that can arise with unreasonable people and allows us to protect ourselves.
Let’s start with someone who is quick to escalate when you are trying to discuss something. Do you have someone in your life who gets superheated very quickly? Here’s how to de-escalate the situation and still be heard:
Keep your cool. It’s essential for you to stay calm even when the other person is anything but calm. To the best of your ability, don’t let their activation activate you.
Listen to what they are saying. When someone is already in an activated state, if you start interrupting or giving them a lot of pushback, the chances of a good outcome and reaching a deeper understanding are small.
Try not to judge. Do your best to remain as neutral as possible, and try not to say anything critical or judgmental.
Instead, try saying something like, “I hear you,” or, “Help me understand how you feel”. This strategy can be effective when it comes to de-escalating someone who is already activated. Difficult personalities have a very low tolerance for their own frustration, so what they need in a moment like this is to vent. That’s not to say you should always be the one they vent to!
Try not to get defensive. This can be hard when someone is being unreasonable, and believe me, I get it. My natural inclination in these situations is to point out how ridiculous this person is being. In my personal and professional experience, getting defensive with impossible people, even though it’s natural, doesn’t make it better. Take a deep breath and try not to take what they are saying personally. It’s really about them anyway, right?
So much of the time, the underlying needs of the other person are what we need to find in order to de-escalate them. When difficult personalities are upset, they are usually projecting their feelings and displacing their aggression onto you. Their need is to be seen, understood, and heard (even if they are being irrational).
Our instinct when things get heated can be to immediately step away from the conversation, but if we do so abruptly, it often will escalate the situation. So shutting it down in an aggressive or harsh way is not the thing to do. Stay calm, let them have their say (without accepting abusive behavior), and when it makes sense, extricate yourself from the conversation as gently as possible.
Get honest and real with yourself about the people in your life who consistently bait you or try to draw you into conflict. Don’t take the bait. Know your people and act accordingly.
Do you ever feel like someone intentionally misunderstands you on a regular basis?
I have someone in my life who no matter what I say will always take the opposite side and question me. I’ve never really understood it, but I do understand it is just in his nature to be contrary and crave debate, so I have learned to step back from being sucked into a conflict with this particular person as a rule.
Being proactive also means knowing yourself and getting really clear about what is on your side of the street and what isn’t when you are in the thick of it with a difficult person. If you tend towards codependency or are an auto-fixer, you are likely especially vulnerable to wanting to always have the answer for someone and to be of service in some way.
No matter who the difficult person is in your life, it is not your job to save them, in fact, it is not even possible for you to do that. Some people are very attached to their unhappiness. Their misery and disappointment with life can be deeply entwined with their identity. These personality types talk about what bad luck they have, how life is so unfair, how they can’t get a break etc. The reality of interacting with individuals like this, especially if you are codependent, is they will definitely find a way to make you the target of their anger and frustration.
So know thy self! If you’re an auto-advice giver, an auto-fixer, a people-pleaser, and/or a highly codependent human being, practice allowing the misery-loves-company types to just BE, without you taking it on. When you can get clear on what is and what isn’t yours, you can say something like, “I’m not responsible for that, but if you want to talk about how you’re feeling, that’s OK.”
As a recovering codependent and auto-helper, I know firsthand how we can attract these types into our lives. It’s like they are attracted to our light and our desire to help. And even though we may have the best intentions to try and problem-solve with them, again and again, unreasonable and impossible people will come up with a reason why your solution won’t work or another problem. It’s like quicksand. You can decide to stop letting this dynamic take up your precious bandwidth and instead allow them to be the way they are.
Remember, we can’t approach others as if they are like us, even though there is a natural inclination to do so. Positive projection is when we make assumptions other people want, think, and believe the same things we do. The world isn’t like that…and unreasonable people are definitely not like that! It doesn’t make them bad people per se, it just makes them different. This means we can’t act from the assumption that if they have a problem, they want to solve it (as we would).
You can still love them and be supportive without getting deeper and deeper into their chaos. Long ago I stopped making suggestions about what the difficult people in my life should do. I will usually say something like, “Hey, I have no doubt you’ll figure it out. Because, really, you’re the only one who can.”
What’s the best way to protect ourselves from being harmed by these personality types? Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! It can be hard to set boundaries with the people in our lives and it is even more so if they are especially difficult. If you know there is definitely going to be pushback, it can be doubly challenging to communicate clear, healthy boundaries.
Raise your awareness around your comfort level with boundary setting. Are you okay doing it? Do you know how to take a step back from some of these relationships when necessary? Setting healthy boundaries means effectively communicating your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers.
When it comes to unreasonable people, even if you say your boundary script perfectly, they may still find a way to take issue with the way that you set it, with your tone of voice, etc. For some people, no matter how you do it, you’re going to be doing it wrong according to them.
If you have someone who is constantly accusing you of something or who always complains about the same thing and they aren’t willing to change, ask yourself:
“Why am I allowing them to take up all this bandwidth in my life?”
There are so many reasons why we can find ourselves in these situations – like guilt, a sense of obligation, and fear of rejection. Maybe you’ve never tried to assert yourself because, as I said at the top, it just feels like too much of a hassle. But taking your life back requires us to develop our Boundary Boss skills and deal with our own side of the street.
We need to learn how to get clear on our actual responsibilities. Are you taking emotional responsibility for something that is not yours to take? It is possible to be completely supportive and keep your boundaries intact. It just takes practice.
I want to hear from you- do you have unreasonable people in your life? Leave me a comment below or connect with me over on Instagram @terricole or in my free Facebook group and let me know.
Whoever it is, the bottom line is you can stay lovingly attached to the people in your life and not take this stuff on. It requires a shift in strategy, a willingness to take an honest look at yourself, and badass boundary skills. You can do this!
I hope that you have an amazing week and as always take care of you.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-06-14 09:02:512023-06-14 09:02:51Don’t Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People
It is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult people at some point in your career. Sometimes it might be a supervisor while other times it may be your fellow associates. You may also encounter difficult customers that you have to interact with on a regular basis. There’s no simple reason why some people are difficult. The reality is that everyone is different and some personalities can be more challenging than others. Some people tend to take credit for others’ work while others blame everyone else for their mistakes. You may also have the coworker who steals everyone else’s ideas or the person who is combative whenever they are addressed. In every organization, there will undoubtedly be gossipers, bullies, demanding bosses, and terrible team players. Rather than endure these issues silently, try implementing the following strategies to help you better handle difficult people at work.
1. Don’t React
Sometimes difficult people act out because they want to rile you up and get a reaction out of you. If you react, there’s a good chance they will repeat the behavior. Instead, remain calm and try to ignore the person’s behavior. Move on with what you are doing and let them know that you are not concerned about their behavior. Someone who can remain calm is seen as being in control and the difficult person is more likely to respect you.
2. Develop a Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult person but this approach can actually be very effective. When you take the time to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their interests, and their style of work, you will have a better understanding of figuring out what makes them tick. Showing genuine interest and concern for a coworker can also motivate them to treat you with respect in return.
3. Practice Empathy
It’s easy to lash out and get angry when someone treats you unfairly, but try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You never know what is going on in someone else’s personal life. Perhaps the person is under enormous stress caring for a sick family member or maybe the person is going through a divorce. The fact is, we all go through challenging times in our lives when our attitudes and behaviors might be affected by our current situation. Instead of judging your coworker, try listening to them and practicing empathy.
4. Stand Up for Yourself
No matter the situation you should never be expected to accept poor, inexcusable behavior. Everyone is entitled to respect and you have a right to express your feelings if you feel you have been disrespected in the workplace. Calmly and assertively talk to the person and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are happy to talk with them and work alongside them but you expect to be treated with respect at work.
5. Focus on What You Can Control
There are many things in life that we can control and many that we can’t. It’s always best to focus on the things you can control. This includes dealing with difficult people. For instance, if you have a coworker that is not responsive to your calls or emails, simply move on to find another coworker who is willing to assist you with your project. Work around the difficult person and control the things you can.
6. Practice Self-Examination
The ability to practice self-awareness is a top leadership skill in any career. Take a minute to examine your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your demeanor towards others. Are you aware of your emotions and how they affect you? Are you aware of how your behaviors are perceived by those around you? Ask yourself if there is something you could be doing that might be contributing to the problem. You also need to examine the way in which you are handling the issue so you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the fire.
7. Treat the Person with Kindness and Respect
You may have heard the expression “kill them with kindness” and this can definitely be an effective tactic for dealing with difficult people. There is not a single person who appreciates being berated or treated like they are incompetent, and this includes difficult people. If you treat the person disrespectfully in return, they will almost certainly make things worse. You will be far more successful following the old mantra to “treat others the way you want to be treated.”
8. Don’t Take Things Personally
When someone is difficult we often find ourselves taking their behavior as a personal attack. If someone is repeatedly rude to us we begin to feel like they just don’t like us. The fact is, however, that the person’s rude behavior might be originating from something else. If you don’t take it personally, you can step back and really consider the best course of action.
9. Establish Boundaries
Dealing with a difficult person means you sometimes have to confront the person and establish firm boundaries. While you should do so with respect, it is certainly acceptable to advocate for yourself. You sometimes have to let the person know how you expect to be treated and let them know that you will not tolerate anything less. If they are unable to respect you, action may have to be taken.
10. Talk with Your Boss
If you have tried these other approaches and all else fails, you can always talk to your manager or boss about the situation. Be prepared to communicate clearly to your boss what is bothering you and why you find the behavior unacceptable. In some cases, you might even provide a record of the person’s disrespectful behavior. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and your ability to do your job.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-06-02 08:08:342023-06-02 08:08:3410 Tactics for Working with Difficult People
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-05-09 07:36:072023-05-09 07:36:184 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
In a perfect world, we would all get along. There would be no inequalities, no name-calling, no disrespect, no hurt. The Golden Rule would be second nature to us and empathy, compassion, and kindness would reign. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and inevitably we often have the displeasure of interacting with difficult people in the workplace and beyond.
Dealing with difficult people at work can be draining. It also can be frustrating and downright miserable. But it doesn’t have to be. Recognizing behavior that is unbecoming and destructive – and not mirroring it – is the first step in managing the exchange. Taking the high road over adopting the “just-try-to-talk-to-me-that-way buster” will not only put you in the same losing league of difficult professionals, reflecting poorly on your character and professional brand, it will also play havoc with your health. And who needs more stress?
Leaving your ego at home will do wonders for your career, and wearing your emotional intelligence hat while at work will allow you to respond appropriately to those challenging coworkers. Follow these seven strategies for a comprehensive approach to dealing with those difficult colleagues.
1. Don’t Take It Personally
As difficult as it is, don’t take your coworker’s actions personally. It’s not your fault that he/she is moody, always getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Rather, stay true to yourself. Communicate in a calm, controlled, concise way, not allowing their behavior to get the best of you. You will be a role model and will provide a teaching opportunity for your coworker to learn how to effectively communicate.
2. Develop Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult employee, but this approach is a proven approach. When you take time to get to know someone, his/her workstyle, interests, likes, and dislikes, you’ll have a better understanding of what makes him/her tick. When you make an effort to show concern for your coworker, he/she may turn his behavior around – or at least show you the respect you deserve.
3. Stand Up for Yourself
No one should tolerate poor, inexcusable behavior, ever. We are all entitled to respect. When you experience a situation where you are not shown respect, communicate to him/her in an assertive manner saying, “I’m happy to help assist you with your project needs, but I feel disrespected when you talk to me with such a harsh tone.” By telling that person how you feel, you are also sharing the need for him/her to ultimately be respectful.
4. Practice Empathy
We don’t always know what goes on in fellow coworkers’ lives. Perhaps they’ve been displaying poor actions because they are not getting proper sleep due to caring for their newborn, or maybe they are going through a divorce and the stress of the situation is getting the best of them. Whatever the situation, seeing things from their eyes, listening with their ears, feeling with their heart – and not judging – are effective ways to practice empathy. You don’t have to agree with the way they are handling matters, but by developing your empathy skills, you may understand why he/she is behaving in a difficult way.
5. Practice Self-regulation
As difficult as it is, refrain from losing your cool. Follow the proverb, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In other words, because an employee spoke to you with disrespect, said something in gossip about you, or did something else unjust, are not reasons or justification for acting similarly. Take the high road and let them know in a composed, controlled way that you do not appreciate him/her spreading rumors about you at the office water cooler. You might also mention that if she/her has any questions to feel free to come to you first. That should nip the unattractive behavior in the bud all the while letting your professionalism shine and not stooping down to unbecoming actions.
6. Hone Your Self-awareness
Exhibiting high self-awareness in the business setting is a top leadership skill no matter what stage you are in your career. With self-awareness, you know your strengths and challenges. You are aware of your emotions and how they affect you. You are also adept in dealing with other’s emotions, having the skill to manage your behavior appropriately for a positive result. When you possess strong self-awareness, you can effortlessly manage any challenging situation with poise and skill.
7. Get Support
There may be times when you’ve tried everything in your power to diffuse a tough situation to no avail. If that’s the case, you may need extra support to help manage the future interactions. Talking to a trusted coworker and asking them for their insight may be helpful. You might want to consider talking to your supervisor or even someone in HR explaining your desire to be a team player but are having difficulties with an employee. Ensure them you don’t want to create any problems; you simply want to continue do good work and work in harmony with others. Chances are they may be already aware of this particularly challenging employee and want to help you succeed in your job.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-03-28 13:59:132023-03-28 13:59:13Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult People at Work
Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.
Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.
Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.
After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.
So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?
Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:
Be calm.
Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.
Understand the person’s intentions.
I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
Get some perspective from others.
In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
Let the person know where you are coming from.
One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
Build a rapport.
With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
Treat the person with respect.
No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Focus on what can be actioned upon.
Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
Ignore.
If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.
Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.
When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.
Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-03-17 09:05:562023-03-17 09:05:569 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work
Choose your battles wisely. When butting heads with a difficult person, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss the problem. Not every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become. Ideally, you and this difficult person would be able to set aside your differences and compromise. Sometimes, this is impossible.
Ask yourself if the situation is causing you enough distress that it must be addressed.
Consider your relationship with this person. If it’s your boss or another authority figure, you have to accept some things you don’t like (unless it’s abusive behavior).[1]If it’s a friend or family member, think about whether choosing not to engage is enabling bad behavior or simply saving you time and grief.
Can you even win this fight? You may really want to take on someone who irks you, but you need to size up the situation and consider if it really is one that you can resolve. Perhaps the timing is bad or you need to formulate a plan, get help, or consider your options.
Pause for a moment before reacting to difficult behavior. Take a deep breath before responding to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If your conflict is happening via email or texting, try to avoid sending digital text messages when upset. Take a bit of time to let your stress level decrease. Then you will be able to approach the person more reasonably.
If possible, discuss your issue somewhere neutral or while doing an activity. For example, you could talk while walking. This can limit negative face-to-face interactions.[2]
State your needs clearly with assertive communication. Don’t give the person the opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words.[3]Aim to use “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. For example:
“I understand that you are frustrated by my lateness. I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, the subway line was down this morning and we were stuck in the station. I am very sorry for making you wait!”
Do not say: “You are unreasonable for expecting me to be punctual when the subway system was broken down. If you really cared, you could have Googled my line and checked.”
Try a sandwich approach when talking to a difficult person. Start with a positive comment like letting them know you value the relationship, then go into the difficult part of the conversation. In the end, finish with another positive comment like thanking them for listening to you.
Continue being polite. No matter the response of the other person, keep your cool. Do not resort to name-calling. Take breaths before your responses. The key is to be the better person and not let yourself sink to their level. Also, the calmer you remain, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.
If you stay polite, the other person may be more likely to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say instead of getting defensive.
5
Stick to the facts. Keep a short, clear narrative that is not bogged down with too much detail or emotion. It is very possible you won’t be able to get the person to see your point of view and you don’t need to try to convince them. State what happened and don’t feel you need to explain yourself.[4]
Avoid trigger topics.[5]For example, if you always fight about holidays with your sister-in-law, don’t discuss them! Have someone else do the mediating.
Avoid being defensive.[6]You might want to argue your point, but with difficult people, it is best to bypass these kinds of arguments. Do not waste your time trying to prove that you are right. Instead, keep the situation as neutral as possible.
6.
Set limits with them and stick to those limits. Setting limits or boundaries with another person can be difficult at first, but it’s key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Decide which behaviors you’re willing to tolerate, and how you will deal with them. You could set limits for yourself, e.g., “I’ll spend an hour with Mom on Mother’s Day, but I won’t spend a whole day with her.” Or, you could set clear boundaries with the other person. For example, “Please don’t make comments about my weight. If you do, I’ll immediately end the conversation and walk away.”[7]
Once you set a limit, do your best to enforce it. Many difficult people will continue to take advantage of you if they think you won’t stick to your boundaries.
For instance, if you’ve told a difficult coworker that you don’t want them to tell sexist jokes around you, don’t call them out sometimes and ignore them at other times. Be consistent about asking them not to continue the behavior. You could even set a specific consequence, like, “If it happens again, I’ll bring it up with HR.”
7.
Minimize your interactions. Although hopefully you can deal with your problem person, if not, limit your time with them. If you must interact, try to keep things short by excusing yourself from the conversation or bringing a third party into the conversation. Stay as positive as possible and make sure to calm down afterward.[8]
Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague or sibling you want.[9]
If all else fails, you may need to cut ties with the person altogether. This can be especially difficult if it’s a close family member, a significant other, or someone you work with. However, if their behavior is seriously toxic and abusive, it might be time to move on.
8.
Talk to allies. If you are not making headway with someone and need to do so, speak with a potential mediator. Perhaps your boss can help improve the situation. If your conflict is within the family, find a mutual party who can negotiate. Strive to share complaints only with people you trust.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-02-23 11:54:092023-02-23 11:54:09Approaching a Difficult Person
In the workplace, as in the rest of our lives, there are people that are difficult to communicate with in order to solve problems, resolve conflicts or negotiate solutions. Some difficulties arise purely because of changing business factors, such as mergers, downsizing or changing economic conditions. Other human factors, like diversity issues, pace of technological change and general conflict around employee workers’ rights, may create additional stresses to accommodate.
The source of many personality clashes and conflict can be attributed to our inability to deal effectively with difficult people. These conflicts can be as simple as differing individual work or personal habits, or family and personal pressures. They can be as complex as a general negativity, feeling threatened or competitive, or a lack of validation, personal prejudices, bias or judgments of others. However, Dr. Paul Standal finds that a lack of awareness and an inability to communicate effectively with difficult people exacerbate personality clashes and are, by far, the greatest contributor to workplace stress and employee disability and turnover.
Everyone is confronted by co-workers, whether supervisors or subordinates, who drive us nuts and who contribute significantly to our work stress. We are constantly trying to manage them through differing styles of conflict resolution and negotiation, like avoidance, accommodation, collaboration or confrontation.
In a book that has become a classic, Coping with Difficult People, Robert Bramson identifies about a dozen different types of difficult people, based on thirty years of experience in working with public and private organizations.
Dealing With Common Types of Difficult People
Below are some suggestions for dealing with varying types of difficult people:
The hostile-aggressive type of people are divided up into the “Sherman tanks,” the “snipers,” and the “exploders,” who carry a lot of anger and/or frustration into the workspace. They are unable to or have difficulty collaborating and cannot listen or compromise.
The Steamroller/Sherman Tank Types
If the issue is not particularly important to you, your best bet is probably to avoid or accommodate. Give the person a wide berth, or give in to small things to calm the person down. If you choose another course, it’s a good idea to begin by letting the person blow off steam. Then calmly and surely present your point of view.
The Undercover Attacker/Sniper Type
If you decide that avoidance or learning to live with these attacks is not for you, the best way to deal with this type of person is to surface the attack and then to get to the underlying reasons. Let the attacker know you are onto him by saying something like, “Was that meant as a put-down?” If the undercover attacker tries to deny it, present your evidence.
The Angry Child Exploder
The first principle to use to avoid escalating things further (unless you decide to walk away from all of this) is to let the person finish yelling and screaming, until he or she has finished venting the burst of emotion. Or reassure the person that you are listening and are ready to be responsive to calm him. The idea is to help the person feel he is still in control, while calming him down. Then, when the person is calm again, just act like the person is an ordinary, reasonable person, as if the tantrum incident never happened.
The Complainers:
Who Always Have Something to Gripe About
The key to dealing with the complainer is to begin by listening. It doesn’t matter whether the complaints seem true or unfounded. The complainer wants desperately to be heard. You should acknowledge or validate the complainer by showing that you have understood what he is saying, perhaps by repeating in other words a capsule description of what he has said. Then, once the complainer has poured out his basic complaint, seek some closure. Try to shift the person into a problem-solving mode.
The Quiet Clams and Silent Types: Who are Silent and Unresponsive
The key to resolving a conflict, unless you want to avoid the issue entirely, is to get the person to open up. You might ask some open-ended questions, inviting more than a yes, no, or nod response. Keep probing or encouraging the person to speak, and even acknowledge that it may be difficult for the person to share his feelings. Show that you are willing to be supportive and empathic, no matter what the person says. When the time comes, provide positive reinforcement. Show you appreciate that the person is talking to you, whether or not you agree or like what the person is saying.
The Naysayers and Perennial Pessimists: Who Find a Reason Why Anything Suggested Won’t Work
Help the person feel more in control by showing him the ways in which he does have some ability to change what he doesn’t like, or to prevent things from going wrong and show there is another point of view, and describe realistic alternatives. If you can, use specific examples of past successes under similar circumstances, or at least offer your optimistic view that something can still be done. If you see the negative person is strongly invested in his position that things won’t work, it may be better not to argue.
The Super-Agreeable: Who Eagerly Say Yes to Just About Everything and Appear to Offer You Support but Seldom or Never Follow Through
Assuming you think it is worthwhile to continue relating to this person, the key to resolving the conflict is to show that you really do want the person to be truthful. Insist that you want to know what the person really thinks, and only want the person to do what he really can or will do. You want to emphasize what bothers you is not whether the person agrees to things or not, but the person’s lack of follow-through on what he or she does agree to do.
The Know-It-All Experts: Who Act Superior to Everyone Else Because They Think They Know Everything and Want Everyone Else to Know It
The first step is to recognize this is happening. Don’t let yourself get sucked into this person’s view of the world or a particular situation. Try to find out what underlying factors are causing the person to act or think like this. Wait for an interlude when things are calm. Validate, but, at the same time, assertively give the person your position based on fact. Aim for a time between incidents when you can broach the topic.
The Indecisive and Stallers: People Who Have Trouble Making Decisions Because They are Afraid of Being Wrong or Not Perfect
One approach is simply to take a more forceful position yourself (i.e. the competitive approach), and assert the decision you want. Let the indecisive feel comfortable with your control, or even feel as if he or she contributed to the process. You need to find out why the indecisive is hesitating so you can get rid of his block. Show you are supportive and won’t be hurt by whatever the indecisive decides.
Other Common Behavioral Types
The Perfectionist: People Who are Overly Compulsive
They obsess over a project and never feel they (or you) have done it right enough. They drive themselves and others around them nuts and projects take much longer to complete or are never finished.
The Innocent Liar: Who Avoid Responsibility or Undermine Others Through Denial
These people are particularly toxic because of their gossip and back stabbing.
The Resentful Altruist: The “Look Gooders” Who Feel Victimized and Resentful Underlying Anything They Do
They will take on way too much and then use this to justify their misery.
You can probably think of many other people with personality styles that make them difficult to deal with.
General Principles for Dealing with Difficult People
Work through the emotional charges triggered by a difficult person.
Try not to take the other person’s behavior personally.
Notice if you are finding this person difficult because he or she reminds you of someone with whom you had bad experiences in the past.
Use creative visualization, affirmations, or other calming techniques to let the other person release some of his or her emotions.
Use communication or listening techniques to let the other person release some of his or her emotions.
If you are becoming emotionally upset because you are picking up the difficult person’s particular way of viewing the world, notice when you are doing this so you can stop yourself.
Think about why the difficult person is being difficult, what the difficult person may need or want that is leading him or her to be difficult.
Overcome the responsibility trap with a difficult person.
Move away from a discussion about the past, and more towards one concerning the future, in order to emphasize the need to look past the causes and towards solutions.
Use Communication to Get to the Root of the Difficulty
Pay attention to non-verbal cues that suggest a discrepancy between what the speaker is thinking or feeling and what he or she is saying.
Watch for hidden or wrong assumptions—your own or the other person’s.
Work toward open channels of communication.
Avoid uncertainty.
Learn to listen well.
Express your own feelings and needs in a non-threatening way, using “I statements.”
Finally, it is important to be flexible in your style of communication and conflict resolution, depending on the style of the difficult person you are dealing with, the situation to be dealt with and your investment in the outcome. Like learning several dance steps, being able to choose from various conflict and negotiation styles of communication to suit the situation is the best and most effective way to deal with difficult people.
The Competitive Style
You strive primarily to satisfy your concerns at the expense of others by forcing people to do it your way, arguing and pulling rank. This can be a good style to use if:
The issue is very important to you, and you have a big stake in getting your way.
You have authority to make the decision, and it seems clear that this is the best way.
A decision has to be made quickly, and you have the power to do so.
You feel you have no other options and you have nothing to lose.
You are in an emergency situation where immediate, decisive action is necessary.
You can’t get a group to agree, feel you are at an impasse, and someone must get the group to move ahead.
The Avoidant Style
You know you can’t and probably won’t win in the conflict.
You want to buy more time.
The situation is complex and difficult to change, so you feel tackling it will just be a wasted effort.
You feel that others have a better chance of resolving the situation.
There’s danger in trying to deal with the situation at the moment.
The Collaborative Style
When both you and the other party are aware of the problem and are clear about what you want.
When both you and the other party are willing to put some thought and work into finding a solution.
When you both have the skills to articulate your concerns and to listen to what others have to say.
When you and others in the conflict have a similar amount of power.
The Compromising Style
You give up a little bit of what you want to get the rest of what you want, and the other parties in the conflict do the same
This is a good style to use:
When you have the same amount of power as someone else and you are both committed to mutually exclusive goals.
When you want to achieve resolution quickly, because of time pressures or because it’s more economical and efficient that way.
When you can settle for a temporary resolution.
When you will benefit from a short-term gain.
When you haven’t been able to work out a solution through either collaboration or the more competitive/forceful approach.
When the goals are not extremely important to you.
From Dealing With Difficult People by Dennis Higashiguchi
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-01-25 07:25:592023-01-25 07:26:55Dealing With Difficult People at Work
The coworker who always has to one-up everyone else. That friend who’s consistently 30 or more minutes late to every happy hour. Those relatives who never have anything positive to say about anyone (including each other). We all have difficult personalities to deal with, but how you handle them can make or break those relationships.
We asked experts to share the best way to approach these challenging types, and two overarching themes rose to the top: Intention and compassion. Spending a little time planning out what you want to say, goes a long way to setting both of you up for success. And especially if your last nerve has been stretched thinner than a New York-style pizza, it’s important to realize that the person who’s getting on it deserves respect too. “You can have compassion for somebody and expect them to do better. Those things are not mutually exclusive,” explains Julie Fogh, co-founder of speech and communications company Vital Voice Training.
Here are tried-and-true techniques for dealing with difficult people straight from the experts, without making those interactions even more difficult than they need to be.
First, devise a game plan.
Before you talk to someone who really grinds your gears, identify your reasons for speaking out. Do you just want to get your frustration off your chest, or do you hope the other person will change something about their behavior? “Setting intentions can really change whether the communication will land or not,” Fogh explains.
The way you engage in the conversation can make a difference in how it goes, too. “You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, M.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.
People who irritate us often have something to show us about ourselves, according to Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. Maybe your chronically late friend makes you realize how often you’re running a little behind, or you secretly wish you could be as laid-back as the coworker who never carries her weight. Taking a good, hard look at your own behavior and what motivates your frustration can take away some of its power, and even keep you from flying off the handle when you do have the discussion.
“If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control.
Keep it all in perspective.
“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.” Remember: Chances are, you’re someone else’s “difficult person.”
To keep your cool, relationship and life coach Chuck Rockey suggests remembering that behind every complaint, there’s a desire. Sometimes, asking that person who won’t stop bellyaching what they really want can give you some valuable insight.
When dealing with a difficult personality, try to really focus on the person and let them know they’re seen and heard, adds Vital Voice Training co-founder Casey Erin Clark. “It’s an incredibly disarming thing, especially if you’re feeling upset. Not managing their emotions, but just saying I can see you,” she says. It’s easy to get so focused on what you want to tell someone, that you stop listening to what they bring to the table. Instead, actively focus on the person in front of you.
Choose your approach.
Armed with your insights, you need to decide how to confront the person. Rockey emphasizes the importance of treating the other person with respect and keeping yourself from getting defensive. That will just escalate the conversation, and yelling never solves anything. While there’s often no good time for this kind of chat, try to pick a time when neither of you are engaged in a stressful project. And never confront your annoying coworker in front of others unless you need a mediator for your own safety.
“It’s important to realize that it’s your perception that the person isn’t listening or communicating well. The other person may not view the situation the same way,” explains executive coach, social worker, and human behavior professor Melody J. Wilding, LMSW. “Make sure that you’re carrying yourself in a way that commands respect. I find that many people unknowingly undermine themselves when they speak by over-apologizing and using qualifiers.”
Women, in particular, tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations and talk around the issue instead of facing it head-on. Fogh and Clark point out that we often go out of our way to avoid making someone else uncomfortable. But one awkward conversation can prevent lots of consternation down the road. It can help to focus on the issue, not the person’s character. That centers the conversation on a problem you can work together to solve, instead of coming off as an attack.
Know when to call it.
Part of figuring out how to handle difficult people is knowing when a discussion has gone from productive to toxic. “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” Fogh and Clark also recommend knowing your own body’s warning signs. Some people freeze up when they start losing control of a conversation. Others get butterflies or start feeling hot around the collar. When that happens and you can’t have a dispassionate discussion, it’s time to walk away and try again another time.
Resist the urge to get into the blame game. “I think often the place where conversations go off the rails is when someone puts intentions on an action,” Clark says. Then, you end up arguing over what each person meant, rather than what actually went down. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.'”
Decide when to drop the issue.
There’s a difference between behavior that meaningfully impacts your ability to live or work with someone and a personality quirk that drives you batty, but won’t ruin your life. “When difficult coworkers cross the line into bullying, it’s time to raise the issue to management or even human resources,” Wilding notes. If the issue impacts your reputation or your ability to do your job, then it’s time to escalate. But sometimes, you’ve got to live and let live.
Sometimes, power dynamics prevent us from solving communication issues or our workplaces are entrenched in systems designed to keep them from getting resolved. “The reality of the world of communication is that certain people can behave in ways that other people can’t get away with,” Fogh adds. “Women and people of color have different expectations of how they’re allowed to show up in the world. And those communication choices are not always going to land. They’re not always going to be appropriate. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess this up. But it’s the act of choosing that is empowerment.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-01-12 13:48:472023-01-12 13:49:16How to Deal with Difficult People: 5 Steps to Keep You Sane
There’s always someone who never shows up on time, who borrows your favorite pen and never gives it back, or is regularly rude to you.
In small doses, this behavior is tolerable. Everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day. But if it happens daily, their conduct becomes a pattern. Over time, however, this kind of difficult coworker can lower your job satisfaction and impact your overall well-being.
Some studies even show that difficult coworkers can lead employees to leave their companies.
So how can you deal with difficult coworkers? First, remember that managing these relationships is a vital part of office politics. Frustrated outbursts and angry behavior will only harm your career and contribute to a toxic workplace.
To keep your career on track and find some peace at work, use these 8 tips for how to deal with a difficult coworker. You’ll be on your way to maintaining a healthy and harmonious work environment before you know it.
Why is knowing how to deal with difficult coworkers important?
In every area of life, you’re bound to meet someone that you find challenging to be around. The workplace is no exception. The difference is that while you might be able to snub someone at the supermarket, doing so at work could have an impact on your career.
Retaliation against a mean coworker might seem satisfying at the moment. However, it’s worth thinking twice about. One passive-aggressive remark can turn into full-blown hostility. This can only make life more stressful than before.
This kind of conflict can also ruin your relationship with your other coworkers. They likely won’t recognize that you are simply defending yourself by lashing out. Instead, you could be seen as another difficult person in the office.
If you retaliate, you could also contribute to normalizing toxic behavior at work. This could eventually erode any positive culture that currently exists. That’s not an ideal outcome if your goal was to improve your quality of life.
Dealing with a difficult coworker is a delicate matter. You have a right to a peaceful work environment and a right to speak up for yourself. However, the workplace makes addressing your coworker a little complicated. The good news? You can learn exactly what steps you need to take to improve your work life.
Before anything, check in with yourself
Before risking a potential conflict, take a moment to examine your feelings. Why does this person bother you so much? You should discern if you’re dealing with a coworker who is uncooperative, lazy, or downright mean.
We often dislike individuals because they remind us of someone from our past or have qualities we dislike in ourselves. Naming these feelings might be enough to diffuse your frustration.
Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts into words and channel your negative emotions elsewhere. You can also try talking it out with a professional. BetterUp, for example, can help you navigate these workplace relationships by providing objective guidance.
It’s also worth examining your own behavior. Think back on whether you’ve been rude or if you might’ve done something to instigate this situation. Remember, at the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. What can you do to improve things now, instead of waiting for someone else to change?
The different types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them
There are many constructive ways to deal with a difficult colleague, but the strategies vary depending on the person. Here are 5 common types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them.
1. The sloth
This person is generally considered a slacker. They complete their work, but only just, and they thrive on doing the bare minimum. They’re often slow, working up to the deadline when they could easily finish right away.
The sloth is particularly frustrating if your own work depends on theirs.
Solution: First of all, be kind and respectful. Speak to them privately. Ask about the ETA for their work and politely push for an explanation. They might have personal issues you don’t know about. If they don’t appear to have a good reason, tell them how their tardiness affects your work, as this might be the kick they need to work faster.
Track your attempts at addressing this difficult situation. If you fail on several occasions, your manager or human resources department can help with conflict resolution.
2. The bellyacher
Look, we all need to blow off steam sometimes. But it can be exhausting when a colleague never stops complaining. These types of coworkers dwell on problems and rarely offer solutions. After a while, the negativity can be grating. It can even make you more unhappy with your job over time, even if you truly enjoy it.
Solution: Try acknowledging your difficult coworker’s complaints and subtly moving the conversation elsewhere. You can also ask them to pitch a solution. Remind them that nothing will change unless someone takes action. Since they seem passionate about the issue, why not them?
Another way to surprise the bellyacher is to offer a contrasting opinion. Continuing to be kind and respectful, you can simply say, “I actually enjoyed that meeting.” If you don’t echo their complaints, this difficult coworker will likely get bored and move onto the next person.
3. The center of attention
Some people love the spotlight but don’t like working for it. This person will often take credit for other people’s achievements. Usually, this behavior masks their underlying insecurities.
Solution: This is a case where it’s more productive to focus on yourself. Keep a list of your accomplishments and share it with your manager to help them recognize your work before someone else takes credit for it.
4. The hotshot
You might have a team member who fancies themself a know-it-all. They’re loud in meetings, rarely accept criticism, and make reckless decisions. These people like to steamroll over other people’s ideas.
Solution: This might be difficult, but try asking for their advice on a problem. This shows you’re willing to have a positive relationship. They may learn to trust you and be more inclined to hear your ideas.
If that doesn’t work, be direct. Explain that you don’t feel heard. Maybe this person doesn’t know their behavior is harming people.
5. The gossip
There’s such a thing as innocent office gossip, but sometimes, it can go too far. This person talks behind people’s backs and spreads unverified rumors. Anyone who remembers high school knows how this behavior can cause harm. Put-downs and gossip have no place in a workplace.
Solution: Don’t participate. When the conversation turns negative, simply leave and don’t repeat the rumors. You can also try changing the subject. If someone is spreading particularly harmful lies, politely ask them to stop.
How to deal with any kind of difficult coworker
Outside of the above scenarios, here are some general ways to stay sane around a difficult coworker.
1. Avoid them if you can
Some people are best in small doses. Don’t feel bad limiting your interactions with them. To avoid drama, remember to be kind and continue to engage in small talk. Don’t give them the cold shoulder — just keep your time with your difficult coworker brief.
2. Don’t let them push your buttons
Figure out why your difficult coworker bothers you so much. What behaviors are the most bothersome? What buttons do they push? When they start exhibiting those traits, you can politely excuse yourself. You can also work on coping mechanisms such as deep breathing.
3. Stay positive
Don’t let a difficult coworker burn you out. Remember why you love your job and focus on the people who bring you joy. This will help protect your mental health in the long run.
4. Don’t take it personally
A difficult coworker’s behavior isn’t your fault. Let it slide off your shoulders, and only intervene when it interferes with your actual work and professional goals.
BetterUp can help you learn how to deal with difficult coworkers and navigate these relationships. Whether you need career advice, to find better work-life balance, or help developing your career, we’ll always be in your corner.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-12-28 08:54:062022-12-28 08:55:32How to deal with difficult coworkers and still be professional
There’s always someone who never shows up on time, who borrows your favorite pen and never gives it back, or is regularly rude to you.
In small doses, this behavior is tolerable. Everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day. But if it happens daily, their conduct becomes a pattern. Over time, however, this kind of difficult coworker can lower your job satisfaction and impact your overall well-being.
Some studies even show that difficult coworkers can lead employees to leave their companies.
So how can you deal with difficult coworkers? First, remember that managing these relationships is a vital part of office politics. Frustrated outbursts and angry behavior will only harm your career and contribute to a toxic workplace.
To keep your career on track and find some peace at work, use these 8 tips for how to deal with a difficult coworker. You’ll be on your way to maintaining a healthy and harmonious work environment before you know it.
Why is knowing how to deal with difficult coworkers important?
In every area of life, you’re bound to meet someone that you find challenging to be around. The workplace is no exception. The difference is that while you might be able to snub someone at the supermarket, doing so at work could have an impact on your career.
Retaliation against a mean coworker might seem satisfying at the moment. However, it’s worth thinking twice about. One passive-aggressive remark can turn into full-blown hostility. This can only make life more stressful than before.
This kind of conflict can also ruin your relationship with your other coworkers. They likely won’t recognize that you are simply defending yourself by lashing out. Instead, you could be seen as another difficult person in the office.
If you retaliate, you could also contribute to normalizing toxic behavior at work. This could eventually erode any positive culture that currently exists. That’s not an ideal outcome if your goal was to improve your quality of life.
Dealing with a difficult coworker is a delicate matter. You have a right to a peaceful work environment and a right to speak up for yourself. However, the workplace makes addressing your coworker a little complicated. The good news? You can learn exactly what steps you need to take to improve your work life.
Before anything, check in with yourself
Before risking a potential conflict, take a moment to examine your feelings. Why does this person bother you so much? You should discern if you’re dealing with a coworker who is uncooperative, lazy, or downright mean.
We often dislike individuals because they remind us of someone from our past or have qualities we dislike in ourselves. Naming these feelings might be enough to diffuse your frustration.
Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts into words and channel your negative emotions elsewhere. You can also try talking it out with a professional. BetterUp, for example, can help you navigate these workplace relationships by providing objective guidance.
It’s also worth examining your own behavior. Think back on whether you’ve been rude or if you might’ve done something to instigate this situation. Remember, at the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. What can you do to improve things now, instead of waiting for someone else to change?
The different types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them
There are many constructive ways to deal with a difficult colleague, but the strategies vary depending on the person. Here are 5 common types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them.
1. The sloth
This person is generally considered a slacker. They complete their work, but only just, and they thrive on doing the bare minimum. They’re often slow, working up to the deadline when they could easily finish right away.
The sloth is particularly frustrating if your own work depends on theirs.
Solution: First of all, be kind and respectful. Speak to them privately. Ask about the ETA for their work and politely push for an explanation. They might have personal issues you don’t know about. If they don’t appear to have a good reason, tell them how their tardiness affects your work, as this might be the kick they need to work faster.
Track your attempts at addressing this difficult situation. If you fail on several occasions, your manager or human resources department can help with conflict resolution.
2. The bellyacher
Look, we all need to blow off steam sometimes. But it can be exhausting when a colleague never stops complaining. These types of coworkers dwell on problems and rarely offer solutions. After a while, the negativity can be grating. It can even make you more unhappy with your job over time, even if you truly enjoy it.
Solution: Try acknowledging your difficult coworker’s complaints and subtly moving the conversation elsewhere. You can also ask them to pitch a solution. Remind them that nothing will change unless someone takes action. Since they seem passionate about the issue, why not them?
Another way to surprise the bellyacher is to offer a contrasting opinion. Continuing to be kind and respectful, you can simply say, “I actually enjoyed that meeting.” If you don’t echo their complaints, this difficult coworker will likely get bored and move onto the next person.
3. The center of attention
Some people love the spotlight but don’t like working for it. This person will often take credit for other people’s achievements. Usually, this behavior masks their underlying insecurities.
Solution: This is a case where it’s more productive to focus on yourself. Keep a list of your accomplishments and share it with your manager to help them recognize your work before someone else takes credit for it.
4. The hotshot
You might have a team member who fancies themself a know-it-all. They’re loud in meetings, rarely accept criticism, and make reckless decisions. These people like to steamroll over other people’s ideas.
Solution: This might be difficult, but try asking for their advice on a problem. This shows you’re willing to have a positive relationship. They may learn to trust you and be more inclined to hear your ideas.
If that doesn’t work, be direct. Explain that you don’t feel heard. Maybe this person doesn’t know their behavior is harming people.
5. The gossip
There’s such a thing as innocent office gossip, but sometimes, it can go too far. This person talks behind people’s backs and spreads unverified rumors. Anyone who remembers high school knows how this behavior can cause harm. Put-downs and gossip have no place in a workplace.
Solution: Don’t participate. When the conversation turns negative, simply leave and don’t repeat the rumors. You can also try changing the subject. If someone is spreading particularly harmful lies, politely ask them to stop.
How to deal with any kind of difficult coworker
Outside of the above scenarios, here are some general ways to stay sane around a difficult coworker.
1. Avoid them if you can
Some people are best in small doses. Don’t feel bad limiting your interactions with them. To avoid drama, remember to be kind and continue to engage in small talk. Don’t give them the cold shoulder — just keep your time with your difficult coworker brief.
2. Don’t let them push your buttons
Figure out why your difficult coworker bothers you so much. What behaviors are the most bothersome? What buttons do they push? When they start exhibiting those traits, you can politely excuse yourself. You can also work on coping mechanisms such as deep breathing.
3. Stay positive
Don’t let a difficult coworker burn you out. Remember why you love your job and focus on the people who bring you joy. This will help protect your mental health in the long run.
4. Don’t take it personally
A difficult coworker’s behavior isn’t your fault. Let it slide off your shoulders, and only intervene when it interferes with your actual work and professional goals.
BetterUp can help you learn how to deal with difficult coworkers and navigate these relationships. Whether you need career advice, to find better work-life balance, or help developing your career, we’ll always be in your corner.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-11-29 12:47:092022-11-29 12:47:09How to deal with difficult coworkers and still be professional
Dealing with difficult people at work is inevitable. We would love to avoid it but we just can’t. Why? Simply because it’s very rare for someone to get on with everyone they know.
The consequences can often be far-reaching. They leave us feeling stressed or overwhelmed not only during working hours, but also once we’ve left and gone back to our personal life.
Whether you’re working in an office, school, shop, laboratory or warehouse, if your job involves interaction with people, there are going to be times when it’s challenging. The fact is that people wind us up, most often when they’re not even trying to. They’re just being themselves.
The challenge of dealing with difficult people at work involves different dynamics, intricacies and expectations, so it’s best not to use a ‘one size fits all’ approach. You’ll find difficult people challenging for different reasons. So it makes sense to have a separate plan for each person. That’s why the different approaches I’ll share with you here will help, whatever the root of the problem.
Keep it Cool
The major factor you have in your control in the workplace is your own reaction. If you can maintain self-control and composure you will find it easier to slow down your response and potentially, to diffuse situations. Different people require different approaches. Taking your time and taking stock of your thoughts before reacting allows for better judgement. This is sometimes all you need to avoid an escalation of the problem.
Detach yourself
Picturing yourself detached from the situation, perhaps looking down on it from above, helps you to remove the emotion and as a by-product, reduce friction. Telling yourself that this person is not worth your emotional energy makes it easier to keep a healthy distance and not get dragged into a lengthy dispute. To achieve this you may need to work on building up your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence. Try seeing your ultimate aim as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow the person to see you wound up or behaving irrationally.
From Reactive to Proactive
It can sometimes help to shift from a reactive to a proactive approach When you’re dealing with difficult people at work. Some people respond better to a more direct approach. By being more proactive in your interaction with them, you are more likely to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding. And that could well be the root cause of your difficulties. Doing something as simple as proactively shifting your body language can lead to a change in how a person interacts with you.
Don’t Take It Personally
Avoid personalising someone else’s behaviour. This isn’t a carte blanche for excusing poor, unkind or bullying behaviour though. Often the behaviour of others says far more about them than it does about you. When we remind ourselves of this, we tend to take the difficult person’s actions less personally. This makes it easier to see their behaviour more objectively. This approach also involves being aware of cultural differences that might be behind someone’s behaviour; it’s not personal; it’s just their way of communicating. This is well worth bearing in mind when dealing with difficult people at work who come from different backgrounds and walks of life to you.
Pick Your Battles
Sometimes, and particularly when you’re trying to deal professionally with difficult people at work, it helps to pick your battles. Don’t get involved unless you have to. Self-discipline comes into the equation here. You may need to do a mental cost-benefit analysis on a workplace relationship. It may be that the negatives of getting involved outweigh the benefits. It might be best to just accept that rocking the boat will be counter-productive. This may be particularly true when the difficult person is a colleague who is more senior to you, or indeed your boss. You’ll need to make a choice in situations like this as to whether you get involved, particularly if dealing with the difficult person relates to doing your job properly.
Separate the Person from the Issue
If you struggle handling difficult people at work it can sometimes be helpful to look at the situation as two separate parts: the persona and the issue. Be soft on the person, hard on the issue. This enables you to manage the difficult relationship whilst achieving what you need from a business point of view. In order to do that you may need to practise some conversation starters in advance such as: “I appreciate how hard you’ve worked on that, we now need to…” or “That’s really helpful information, how do you propose I…”
Bring in the Humour
Many difficult situations can be deflected with a disarming smile or a good dose of well-timed humour. This can make it possible to address a difficult issue without confronting someone into further aggravation. Injecting a little humour is a great way of diffusing a situation in the workplace and bringing people back together. Throwing in the odd ‘dry’ comment can be enough to get everyone back on course and help them to realise they’re working towards the same goal. Importantly, humour doesn’t back people into a corner. In fact, it softens the atmosphere and can give them a way out; this can very helpful for dealing with difficult people at work.
Confront Bullies
It’s a cliché as old as the hills but bullies pick on those who they perceive to be weaker than them. If you can ‘stand up to them’ and handle their aggression assertively, then you should be able to stop their power over you. It’s OK to walk away, but only if you have nothing important to say. You’ll need to speak up otherwise. So, overcoming your own fear of confrontation is essential when handling difficult people.
So take your pick, have a think about what suits each situation best, and then give it ago when you next find yourself dealing with difficult people at work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-11-02 14:48:452022-11-02 14:48:45What’s The Secret To Dealing With Difficult People At Work?
In a perfect world, we would all get along. There would be no inequalities, no name-calling, no disrespect, no hurt. The Golden Rule would be second nature to us and empathy, compassion, and kindness would reign. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and inevitably we often have the displeasure of interacting with difficult people in the workplace and beyond.
Dealing with difficult people at work can be draining. It also can be frustrating and downright miserable. But it doesn’t have to be. Recognizing behavior that is unbecoming and destructive – and not mirroring it – is the first step in managing the exchange. Taking the high road over adopting the “just-try-to-talk-to-me-that-way buster” will not only put you in the same losing league of difficult professionals, reflecting poorly on your character and professional brand, it will also play havoc with your health. And who needs more stress?
Leaving your ego at home will do wonders for your career, and wearing your emotional intelligence hat while at work will allow you to respond appropriately to those challenging coworkers. Follow these seven strategies for a comprehensive approach to dealing with those difficult colleagues.
1. Don’t Take It Personally
As difficult as it is, don’t take your coworker’s actions personally. It’s not your fault that he/she is moody, always getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Rather, stay true to yourself. Communicate in a calm, controlled, concise way, not allowing their behavior to get the best of you. You will be a role model and will provide a teaching opportunity for your coworker to learn how to effectively communicate.
2. Develop Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult employee, but this approach is a proven approach. When you take time to get to know someone, his/her workstyle, interests, likes, and dislikes, you’ll have a better understanding of what makes him/her tick. When you make an effort to show concern for your coworker, he/she may turn his behavior around – or at least show you the respect you deserve.
3. Stand Up for Yourself
No one should tolerate poor, inexcusable behavior, ever. We are all entitled to respect. When you experience a situation where you are not shown respect, communicate to him/her in an assertive manner saying, “I’m happy to help assist you with your project needs, but I feel disrespected when you talk to me with such a harsh tone.” By telling that person how you feel, you are also sharing the need for him/her to ultimately be respectful.
4. Practice Empathy
We don’t always know what goes on in fellow coworkers’ lives. Perhaps they’ve been displaying poor actions because they are not getting proper sleep due to caring for their newborn, or maybe they are going through a divorce and the stress of the situation is getting the best of them. Whatever the situation, seeing things from their eyes, listening with their ears, feeling with their heart – and not judging – are effective ways to practice empathy. You don’t have to agree with the way they are handling matters, but by developing your empathy skills, you may understand why he/she is behaving in a difficult way.
5. Practice Self-regulation
As difficult as it is, refrain from losing your cool. Follow the proverb, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In other words, because an employee spoke to you with disrespect, said something in gossip about you, or did something else unjust, are not reasons or justification for acting similarly. Take the high road and let them know in a composed, controlled way that you do not appreciate him/her spreading rumors about you at the office water cooler. You might also mention that if she/her has any questions to feel free to come to you first. That should nip the unattractive behavior in the bud all the while letting your professionalism shine and not stooping down to unbecoming actions.
6. Hone Your Self-awareness
Exhibiting high self-awareness in the business setting is a top leadership skill no matter what stage you are in your career. With self-awareness, you know your strengths and challenges. You are aware of your emotions and how they affect you. You are also adept in dealing with other’s emotions, having the skill to manage your behavior appropriately for a positive result. When you possess strong self-awareness, you can effortlessly manage any challenging situation with poise and skill.
7. Get Support
There may be times when you’ve tried everything in your power to diffuse a tough situation to no avail. If that’s the case, you may need extra support to help manage the future interactions. Talking to a trusted coworker and asking them for their insight may be helpful. You might want to consider talking to your supervisor or even someone in HR explaining your desire to be a team player but are having difficulties with an employee. Ensure them you don’t want to create any problems; you simply want to continue do good work and work in harmony with others. Chances are they may be already aware of this particularly challenging employee and want to help you succeed in your job.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-10-27 08:35:152022-10-27 08:35:15Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult People at Work
Summary. When you’re at your wit’s end with a challenging colleague and it feels like you’ve tried everything, well-meaning friends and coworkers may tell you to “just ignore it” or to “suck it up” and move on with your life. But suppressing our emotions rarely helps. In this piece, the author outlines four tactics that are tempting to try — but often backfire — when dealing with a difficult colleague. Another one to avoid: waiting to see if your difficult colleague will just leave on their own. Your dream that they’ll walk out the door may come true, but there’s no guarantee that the culture will shift or that you’ll get along with their replacement. Ultimately you’re better off trying to create a workable situation with your colleague now. And remember: even small improvements can make a big difference.
One of my favorite questions to ask people who are dealing with a difficult colleague is: What would you do about this situation if you could do anything you wanted?
In researching and writing my book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), I had the opportunity to ask this question of dozens of people, and the answers usually ranged from practical to entertaining to a bit scary (there are lots of people who want to punch an annoying colleague in the face!). Many fantasize about quitting dramatically. Others just want to tell their coworker exactly how they feel without mincing words.
I ask this question because I want people to think expansively about how they might respond, and often, without constraints, they land on a strategy that might actually work (not punching someone in the face!).
But there are quite a few tactics that are less productive that we sometimes gravitate toward because we think they’ll help us feel better, when in actuality, they often backfire. They may alleviate our pain in the short term but are ultimately bad for us, the other person, and our organization. Avoiding these common tactics will prevent you from making things worse.
Suppressing your emotions
When you’re at your wit’s end with a challenging colleague and it feels like you’ve tried everything, well-meaning friends and coworkers may tell you to “just ignore it” or to “suck it up” and move on with your life. This can be good advice if you’re truly able to let it go. But often we decide we’re going to do nothing but actually end up doing a whole lot of things, whether it’s stewing about the situation, talking incessantly about it to our partner, or becoming passive-aggressive. Suppressing our emotions rarely helps.
In fact, psychologist Susan David writes that “suppressing your emotions — deciding not to say something when you’re upset — can lead to bad results.” She explains that if you don’t express your feelings, they’re likely to show up in unexpected places.
Psychologists call this emotional leakage. David explains:
Have you ever yelled at your spouse or child after a frustrating day at work — a frustration that had nothing to do with [them]?…When you bottle up your feelings, you’re likely to express your emotions in unintended ways instead, either sarcastically or in a completely different context. Suppressing your emotions is associated with poor memory, difficulties in relationships, and physiological costs (such as cardiovascular health problems).
In other words, sucking it up doesn’t usually decrease your stress level. It raises it.
The risk that you’ll take your negative feelings out on innocent bystanders isn’t the only reason to avoid this tactic. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, points out that, while the intention behind pretending you’re not upset with a difficult colleague may be good — perhaps you want to preserve the relationship — they’re likely to sense your irritation anyway. “Because of emotional contagion, they might not be conscious that you harbor negativity toward them, but it will still have an effect on them. Your passive-aggressiveness is going to come through, even in remote work environments,” she told me in an interview for my book. Research has shown that it’s not just you who suffers the physical impact of suppression either. If you hide anger or frustration, the blood pressure of those around you is likely to rise as well. They may not know exactly what you’re feeling and thinking, but they register underlying tension just the same.
Retaliating
Another tempting response to mistreatment is to fight fire with fire. If your passive-aggressive teammate says one thing in a meeting and does something completely different afterward, why not do the same to them? Or if your pessimistic colleague is going to poke a zillion holes in your ideas, why shouldn’t you take them down when they suggest something new? Unfortunately, stooping to their level doesn’t generally work. You intensify the feeling of being on opposing sides rather than giving the dynamic a chance to change. And retaliation often makes you look bad. Or worse, it violates your values.
To avoid giving into the (understandable) desire for revenge, commit to behaving in line with your values. Sometimes it’s helpful to write them down. What is it that you care about? What matters most to you? If you’re not sure, consider looking at a set of universal values and see which resonate with you, listing them in order of importance. Then, when you’re coming up with a plan for how you want to respond to your insecure boss or biased coworker, refer to the list and make sure that the tactics you land on align with your values.
Shaming
When I’m dealing with someone who pushes my buttons, I often fantasize about sending an email to everyone who knows them, outing them as a jerk. My (flawed) logic is that if the person who has wronged me is humiliated enough, they will be forced to change their ways.
Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule, summed it up this way: “Calling people an asshole is one of the most reliable ways to turn someone into an asshole — or make them hate you.” That’s because feelings of shame rarely inspire us to behave better; more often, they make us lash out further.
I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.
Making your colleague feel as if they’re a bad person, labeling them as a jerk or as someone who plays the victim, is unlikely to improve your relationship.
Similarly, dehumanizing a difficult coworker doesn’t help. It’s easy to demonize the person who causes us harm, but hating them only pits you against one another. Instead, make sure that every step of the way, you remind yourself that you’re dealing with a fellow human, not a robot or an arch villain.
Hoping your colleague will leave
Many of us bank on outlasting our difficult colleagues and focus on making the situation workable until they get fired or move on to another job. But be careful of putting all of your eggs in the “eventually they’ll be gone” basket. Sutton warns that sometimes “removing the bad apples” does little to change the underlying issue, especially if your colleague’s obnoxious behavior is validated by the organizational culture. Often other things need to change to prevent incivility, he says — things like the “incentive system, who’s promoted and rewarded, how meetings are run, and the pressure people are under to perform.”
A few years ago, the head of HR for a health insurance company asked me to train their staff on how to have difficult conversations. She explained that they had a very hierarchical culture and were having trouble getting people to speak up, especially with ideas that challenged the status quo. Nine years earlier, they’d done a survey that showed employees felt it was a very “command and control” environment. Determined to evolve, executives led several culture change initiatives and hired new leaders who were known for having a more collaborative and less autocratic style. Those leaders also replaced people on their teams so that within that nine-year period, almost 80% of the employee population had turned over, including most of the leadership team. But when they conducted the culture survey again, they got almost exactly the same results. The exasperated HR executive told me, “It’s like it’s in the water here.”
Sometimes it’s not individual people who are the problem but the systems that allow, and in some cases encourage, hostility over cooperation. And systems are hard to change. Your dream that your difficult coworker will walk out the door may come true, but there’s no guarantee that the culture will shift or that you’ll get along with their replacement. Ultimately you’re better off trying to create a workable situation with your colleague now than hoping things will improve if they leave.
Will you always be able to avoid these flawed responses? No. Nobody’s perfect, and these unproductive approaches are seductive. But if you get a flat tire, you don’t fix the problem by slashing the other three tires. When you strike out with the first tactic (or several tactics) you choose, try something else — or reach out for help. Maybe your boss, a friend, or a mutual colleague can offer a novel solution. The point is to keep at it; remember: even small improvements can make a big difference.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-10-13 06:46:582022-10-13 06:46:584 Tactics that Backfire When Dealing with a Difficult Colleague
Have you ever dealt with someone you termed as difficult at your workplace? I bet you have. The term difficult people at work typically refers to people who are challenging to work with or difficult to manage. These people can be a real pain in the neck (for lack of a better word), but don’t worry, you’re not alone. Whether you are an employee, manager, HR leader, or any other significant part of an organization, you will have to deal with them at some point or another. Difficult people often generate a great deal of tension, conflict, and stress in an organization. If you’re not prepared for them, they can take a toll on your productivity. It can be tough to stand up to someone who constantly undermines your authority, which is these people’s speciality.
Difficult people at work can come in many different forms. They can be disruptive, disrespectful, and uncooperative. In some cases, they may even be fraudulent or dishonest. However, the underlying problem is usually the same: someone is trying to assert themselves in a way that doesn’t feel comfortable or safe for you. While it can be challenging to deal with difficult people at work, you can employ several strategies to help mitigate the effects of their behavior. But, before that, let’s unfold upon the various types of difficult people often found at workplaces.
The Different Types of Difficult People you might encounter at work
The Complainer
The complainer is one of the most common difficult people to deal with. They are often unhappy, and they express their unhappiness in a way that can be frustrating for others. Complainers complain about their job, their managers, and anything else that pops into their heads. Complainers will constantly mention how other people are not doing things right or treating them fairly when it doesn’t affect them. The worst part of dealing with a complainer is there’s no telling what they’re going to complain about next! They can morph from one complaint to another like chameleons change color.
The Constant Critic
The constant critic is another common type of difficult person. While the complainer is unhappy, the critic has a grudge against almost everything in their work environment. Criticizers are negative and sarcastic and find fault with everyone they meet. They take every tiny mistake you make and turn it into a mountain that you have to climb to prove yourself. A person who is always looking for reasons to critique others can be disruptive and destructive to the team environment.
The Compulsive Perfectionist
A compulsive perfectionist is one of the most complex personalities to deal with. This type of person is always looking for ways to improve themselves and their work performance. They are often very critical of others, making working together very challenging. Perfectionists also tend to keep everything under control and manage every situation perfectly. If you don’t meet their high expectations, they can further become angry and criticize you. These people tend to be micromanagers since they don’t believe someone can do a better job.
The Know-It-All
The know-it-all is another difficult person who can be very frustrating to work with. This person thinks they always have the answer and are not afraid to share it. They are often condescending and expect others to listen to their opinion without offering a counterargument or alternative viewpoint. Know-it-alls also tend to be judgmental, which makes working together challenging. They always consider themselves smarter than the other person in the room.
The Jealous Person
A jealous person is one of the colleagues that can be very destructive to a team environment. This person often takes credit for everything others achieved and feels entitled to share in the glory. Jealous people are often hostile toward others and spread rumors about others that don’t match the actual situation. They also tend to be jealous of their coworkers or look for faults or mistakes in everyone around them, giving you unnecessary stress at work every day. They are often petty, which makes working together difficult. Jealous people also tend to become angry if they do not receive the attention they want or feel they deserve. They can also try to ruin other people’s work by sharing details that are not appropriate.
The NO-Sayer
The NO sayer often refuses to participate in discussions or decision-making altogether, challenging working together. They only say NO irrespective of whatever request you make or the suggestion you offer. They also tend to be selfish and do not care about the feelings of others. If you disagree with them, they will usually ignore you.
The Procrastinator
The procrastinator can be very frustrating to work with. This person sometimes forgets essential tasks or projects and will wait until the last minute before making any progress. They also consistently put things off even after a constant email or verbal follow-up, which makes working together difficult. These people also tend to take too many breaks during and after working hours, and it makes it difficult for other members of a team or project to get their work done because they are either late on tasks or not doing them at all. Their professional contribution to the organization is often minimal. They will also often give excuses for why they cannot finish what has been assigned.
The Bully
Bullies are intimidating and dislike employees who do not “belong” to the group or someone’s social status. They have strong opinions on subjects they don’t know much about, and when you disagree with them, the bully will be very hostile towards you. The bully will often use their position in the team, such as power over others or persuasion skills backed by threats of discipline from bosses like termination, demotion, etc., to get other people on board with them (often against their best interests).
The Easily Triggered
They are the kind of complex people who are bound to cause a lot of drama and tension in the workplace. This type of person is usually impulsive and reacts without thinking things through. They are also quick to take offense, leading to many conflicts. These people have too many hot buttons, which will create trouble for you if one is pushed. They can even show disrespect or can detriment other people when triggered. These kinds of people are usually high maintenance as one has always to maintain avoidance of their trigger points whenever dealing with them.
The 10 Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People
1. Understand that difficult people are not necessarily bad people
Difficult people can be frustrating, but that doesn’t mean they are bad people. Instead, they are simply struggling with certain aspects of their personality or life that can get in the way of their relationships and interactions. They are just different from you in some way and may not understand your point of view. Instead of reacting negatively to them, try to deal with compassion. It would help if you aimed to understand their perspective and adjust your actions accordingly. It will help improve your relationship with them and even lead to a positive outcome. Try to make the conversation you have with them effective and productive.
2. Be patient
It can be tough to deal with difficult people, but it’s important not to give up too soon. Sometimes, the best way to get through to them is to be patient and persistent. Approach them calmly and rationally, and stay focused on the task. If they start becoming hostile or aggressive, it’s time to back away and take a step back. Remember, difficult people are usually just trying to defend themselves somehow. Don’t take it personally, and stick to your principles – after all, that will help you get what you want. Being patient with them will lead you towards productive ways of dealing with difficult people.
3. Avoid getting drawn into a confrontation
Confrontations can lead to negative consequences such as stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues. These confrontations can also lead to interpersonal problems, and relationships sometimes collapse. When possible, try to avoid getting drawn into clashes with difficult people, and it will help avoid any unpleasant encounters and save you time and energy. Instead, focus on maintaining a calm and rational disposition and stay composed when dealing with difficult people. If the situation warrants it, reach out for help from friends or team members who can offer you sage advice and support.
4. Don’t take their behavior personally
If someone you know is difficult to deal with, it may be tempting to take their behavior personally. Difficult people are often just trying to stir up trouble and get under your skin, which is usually not worth your time or energy. Instead, focus on taking a step back and assessing the situation before reacting. If that doesn’t work, consider removing yourself from the situation altogether. In the worst case, if the person is causing you grief, you can choose to address the issue head-on, but otherwise, it’s best to steer clear.
5. Make sure you are familiar with your company’s policy regarding challenging behavior
It is imperative to be aware of your company’s policy on challenging behavior. There may be times when you are expected to handle disagreements or challenging situations created by difficult people constructively and professionally. It can be helpful to know your company’s expectations beforehand so that you are not taken by surprise and end up having to improvise on the fly. Going against the company’s policies can result in devastating consequences for yourself, your coworkers, and most importantly, the company’s reputation. By being savvy about your company’s policies, you can avoid any potential conflict or confrontation and keep your work environment safe and productive.
6. Keep a record of the incidents
It’s easy to get angry and frustrated when dealing with difficult people, but it’s important not to lash out. Instead, take a few minutes to document the incidents so that you can objectively analyze the situation and come up with a plan of action. You should record the detailed experience of the situation and include the dates, times, and documentation relating to what happened. It will help you stay calm and collected and better equip yourself to handle the situation in the future. It will also help you look for patterns in the behaviors and figure out how to deal with them beforehand. Further, it will enable you to develop an effective option whenever coping with a difficult person, which may resolve it in the long term.
7. Seek support
The next strategy you can try to deal with difficult people is to seek out help. Support is crucial in managing difficult situations and shifting your perspective, whether from a friend, team member, family, or therapist. It can be challenging to stand up for yourself and manage difficult conversations with difficult people. But by finding someone to support you, whom you trust and can lean on, you will be in a much better position to deal with the situation. Their supportive actions will guide you to overcome a difficult situation without any resentment or negative emotions. Additionally, by seeking out support, you will increase your resilience when dealing with difficult people in the future.
8. Keep a positive attitude
No matter how complex or irritating someone may be, it is essential to maintain a positive attitude when dealing with them. By keeping your cool, you can avoid getting overwhelmed and stressed out, only making the situation worse. Additionally, it is always best to remember that these people are just humans with emotions and feelings just like you. They are not perfect, and you should not expect them to be. Remember to take things one step at a time and stay calm and rational when dealing with them. This positive attitude will also help you in your career by preventing you from letting any uncomfortable situations affect your professional life. It will also enable you to deal with your problems at work positively.
9. Don’t give up
No one is perfect, and that includes difficult people. While it may be tempting to give up on them and move on, it only leads to disappointment and frustration. Instead, try to understand their motives and find a way to resolve the issue without getting too emotional. Stay calm and collected, and don’t let the problematic person control your emotions. Finally, remember that difficult people are only painful for a short period, and eventually, the difficulty will fade away.
10. If all fails, cut your losses
What if you have tried everything and it still doesn’t work? It is time to cut your losses and start disassociating yourself from them. Your next step will depend on your working relationship with this person. If this is a team member, it might be time to let them go and respectfully request them to find other opportunities. On the other side, if it is a peer, you can always ask for a different project that can reduce your interactions with this person. If this person is your manager, then it might be more tricky. Your options could be a request to the HR team to change your team. Or it may be the time to find another job. After all, people leave bad managers even if they like working in the company.
Conclusion
Dealing with difficult people can be a real challenge, especially if you’re not prepared. It’s essential to know the different types of difficult people you might encounter and learn how to deal with them accordingly. By following the ten Strategies outlined in this blog, For Dealing With Difficult People, we believe that you will be able to remain calm and in control, no matter what situation arises. These strategies will lead you to become a better and less stressful person. Lastly, remember that it is never too late to start over again with difficult people. Do not let them stop you from achieving your goals!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-09-26 11:45:292022-09-26 11:45:29The Top 10 Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People At Work
Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.
She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.
Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.
It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.
Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.
You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.
Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.
Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.
Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.
Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.
Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:
“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”
Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?
However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.
From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;
– You sent an email without speaking to me first
– I was embarrassed and mortified
– You should know I wouldn’t exclude you
– I had a limited number of people for the training
– I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others
– Why did you do all of this?
All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.
“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”
That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.
Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-09-14 14:06:132022-09-14 14:06:13Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity
Let’s face it: Everyone has had an intimidating boss. After all, there’s a clear hierarchy in the relationship—bosses are inherently “superior” to employees. They have authority over you. They can, in essence, make or break your career future. So, it’s only natural if you feel somewhat on edge in their presence.
But some bosses can be tougher than others. Some can come off as unapproachable, overpowering or downright scary to deal with. If you’re not careful, working for an intimidating boss can really hold you back professionally. Without a clear strategy, you can end up shutting down, which can harm your performance and weaken your reputation.
If you’ve got a highly intimidating boss, here are some useful strategies to help you cope.
Note: This is not the same as dealing with a boss who is demonstrating inappropriate or overly aggressive behavior. When these things are happening, you need to draw clear boundaries and define exactly what is acceptable and what is not. This article is about bosses who are intense and demanding, but not necessarily doing things that warrant direct confrontation.
7 Ways to Cope with an Intimidating Boss
1. Try to Build Personal Rapport
Your boss is a 3-dimensional human, which means he or she has a life outside of work. They might even have personal hobbies and interests similar to yours. With a little effort, you can probably find a few things you have in common. Even something as simple as a shared love of family or a passion for the local baseball team can ease interaction and help you feel more on “equal” footing.
2. Mentally and Emotionally Prepare
In my experience, these kinds of bosses usually know they are intimidating. It gives them a sense of power (which is sometimes overcompensating for deep insecurity beneath the surface). They need people who can deal with their high-pressure ways and not take it personally. Having worked for an intimidating boss myself, I know that mindset is key. Try to mentally and emotionally steel yourself. If you know what you’re up against, it’s a lot easier to manage. When you’re caught off guard by it, that’s when it becomes much harder.
3. Look for Patterns
Observe your boss and see if you can identify any clear patterns of behavior. Some qualities that contribute to intimidation may be elevated at certain times. For example, when under stress, your boss may get extra moody. When facing a tight deadline, he or she may lose all patience. Once you understand the pattern, you can then adapt your own behaviors (in response to theirs) to ease interactions during these times.
4. Stay Composed
Even if you feel intimidated, you don’t have to show it physically. In fact, managing your physical response to the situation can often positively impact your mental response as well. Keep your breathing steady and deep. Sit or stand up straight, maintain eye contact and manage nervous ticks, like fidgety fingers and tapping toes. The more you look calm, cool and collected externally, the more you’ll feel that way internally.
5. Prepare in Advance
Feelings of intimidation can make you scatterbrained. If you’re sitting in front of your intimidating boss trying to explain something, for example, you may find yourself quickly tongue-tied or forgetful. You can avoid this problematic scenario by preparing in advance. Make notes of what you want to say and don’t be afraid to refer to them in the conversation. This will help keep you focused and may ease nerves along the way.
6. Speak Up (Thoughtfully)
Depending on how impactful the situation is, you may want to have a discussion with your boss. I suggest you do this during a time when there is relatively low pressure. The discussion should focus on better understanding what your boss needs from you. Don’t specifically say, “I’m intimidated by you!” Instead, ask for feedback on your performance and what you can do to improve. I’ve found that gaining clarity in this regard can help ease feelings of intimidation. Even if you don’t get a glowing review, you’ll at least know where you stand. Sometimes the mystery can be part of the problem.
7. Don’t Let It Cloud Your Thinking
Finally, don’t let your feelings of intimidation create overwhelming self-doubt. You were hired for a reason, and you have your job because you’re good at it. Your boss is a person like anyone else. They are imperfect. Often, these situations are not really about you at all. It’s about them and their need to feel powerful and superior. Don’t let your feelings of intimidation taint your perspective of your own abilities and contributions.
It’s also worthwhile noting that sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes it’s actually more about YOU than them. Your lack of confidence and self-worth may be contributing to your feelings of intimidation far more than anything they are doing. I realize this may be hard to fathom, but think about it. Perhaps you’re feeling uncertain about yourself and that’s being projected onto your boss. You might be seeing everything he or she does through an inaccurate lens.
Having an intimidating boss is not a recipe for guaranteed misery. You can improve the situation. Start with these 7 strategies and you may be surprised how things change for the better.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-08-29 06:34:542022-08-29 06:34:54How to Deal with an Intimidating Boss
Source: This tip is adapted from “Disagreement Doesn’t Have to Be Divisive,” by Francesca Gino
Many of us try to avoid conversations with those who have a sharply different point of view, or we try to convince them that they’re wrong. Neither approach is very productive. It’s possible to have healthy disagreements by employing a few tactics. Start by acknowledging the other person’s perspective, whether you agree with it or not. Say something like, “I understand where you’re coming from,” or, “Thank you for sharing your position,” before you state your point of view. Also, demonstrate humility. While confidence is important in making persuasive arguments, too much of it can be abrasive and even offensive. And be sure to phrase your argument in positive terms. For instance, you could say something like, “Let’s consider the possible benefits of having fewer people working on the marketing initiative,” rather than “We shouldn’t have any more people working on the marketing initiative.” Finally, if things start to get heated, reiterate areas of agreement — even if they’re small and obvious. Something simple, such as “We both want this pandemic to end,” or “We agree that social distancing is presenting unprecedented challenges,” can reestablish common ground. These strategies can help loosen gridlock, animosity, and resentment and open the door for connection.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-08-22 06:39:062022-08-22 06:39:06How to Disagree Without Being Divisive
In a perfect world, we would all get along. There would be no inequalities, no name-calling, no disrespect, no hurt. The Golden Rule would be second nature to us and empathy, compassion, and kindness would reign. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and inevitably we often have the displeasure of interacting with difficult people in the workplace and beyond.
Dealing with difficult people at work can be draining. It also can be frustrating and downright miserable. But it doesn’t have to be. Recognizing behavior that is unbecoming and destructive – and not mirroring it – is the first step in managing the exchange. Taking the high road over adopting the “just-try-to-talk-to-me-that-way buster” will not only put you in the same losing league of difficult professionals, reflecting poorly on your character and professional brand, it will also play havoc with your health. And who needs more stress?
Leaving your ego at home will do wonders for your career, and wearing your emotional intelligence hat while at work will allow you to respond appropriately to those challenging coworkers. Follow these seven strategies for a comprehensive approach to dealing with those difficult colleagues.
1. Don’t Take It Personally
As difficult as it is, don’t take your coworker’s actions personally. It’s not your fault that he/she is moody, always getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Rather, stay true to yourself. Communicate in a calm, controlled, concise way, not allowing their behavior to get the best of you. You will be a role model and will provide a teaching opportunity for your coworker to learn how to effectively communicate.
2. Develop Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult employee, but this approach is a proven approach. When you take time to get to know someone, his/her workstyle, interests, likes, and dislikes, you’ll have a better understanding of what makes him/her tick. When you make an effort to show concern for your coworker, he/she may turn his behavior around – or at least show you the respect you deserve.
3. Stand Up for Yourself
No one should tolerate poor, inexcusable behavior, ever. We are all entitled to respect. When you experience a situation where you are not shown respect, communicate to him/her in an assertive manner saying, “I’m happy to help assist you with your project needs, but I feel disrespected when you talk to me with such a harsh tone.” By telling that person how you feel, you are also sharing the need for him/her to ultimately be respectful.
4. Practice Empathy
We don’t always know what goes on in fellow coworkers’ lives. Perhaps they’ve been displaying poor actions because they are not getting proper sleep due to caring for their newborn, or maybe they are going through a divorce and the stress of the situation is getting the best of them. Whatever the situation, seeing things from their eyes, listening with their ears, feeling with their heart – and not judging – are effective ways to practice empathy. You don’t have to agree with the way they are handling matters, but by developing your empathy skills, you may understand why he/she is behaving in a difficult way.
5. Practice Self-regulation
As difficult as it is, refrain from losing your cool. Follow the proverb, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In other words, because an employee spoke to you with disrespect, said something in gossip about you, or did something else unjust, are not reasons or justification for acting similarly. Take the high road and let them know in a composed, controlled way that you do not appreciate him/her spreading rumors about you at the office water cooler. You might also mention that if she/her has any questions to feel free to come to you first. That should nip the unattractive behavior in the bud all the while letting your professionalism shine and not stooping down to unbecoming actions.
6. Hone Your Self-awareness
Exhibiting high self-awareness in the business setting is a top leadership skill no matter what stage you are in your career. With self-awareness, you know your strengths and challenges. You are aware of your emotions and how they affect you. You are also adept in dealing with other’s emotions, having the skill to manage your behavior appropriately for a positive result. When you possess strong self-awareness, you can effortlessly manage any challenging situation with poise and skill.
7. Get Support
There may be times when you’ve tried everything in your power to diffuse a tough situation to no avail. If that’s the case, you may need extra support to help manage the future interactions. Talking to a trusted coworker and asking them for their insight may be helpful. You might want to consider talking to your supervisor or even someone in HR explaining your desire to be a team player but are having difficulties with an employee. Ensure them you don’t want to create any problems; you simply want to continue do good work and work in harmony with others. Chances are they may be already aware of this particularly challenging employee and want to help you succeed in your job.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-08-16 10:53:592022-08-16 10:53:59Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult People at Work
When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.
Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.
What makes someone a difficult person?
Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.
Poor communication
They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.
Lack of empathy
Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.
Criticism
Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.
How do you spot a difficult person?
It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:
Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.
How do you not let a difficult person affect you?
There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.
With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.
1. Pay attention to how you react
How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.
2. Stay calm
Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”
When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.
3. Do your own Inner Work®
Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.
For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.
How do you deal with a difficult person?
The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:
How do you deal with a difficult person?
Listen to them
Get into their shoes
Honor both of your needs
Use humor
Practice
When all else fails, eject
Create a buffer
Practice self-care
1. Listen to them
When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.
If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.
2. Get into their shoes
From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.
Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.
3. Honor both of your needs
Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.
What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.
4. Use humor
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.
5. Practice
If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.
6. When all else fails, eject
If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.
Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.
The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.
7. Create a buffer
Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.
If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.
8. Practice self-care
Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.
It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.
Difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.
As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.
If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.
When to escalate a conflict to HR
While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.
You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:
Bullying
Harassment
Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
Other coworkers
Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws
In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.
Final thoughts
No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.
We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-08-03 11:06:432022-08-03 11:06:43How to deal with difficult people — without harming your mental health
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
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2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-07-15 11:54:322022-07-15 11:54:324 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
Jack McGuinness is co-founder and managing partner of Relationship Impact, a consulting firm focused on helping great leaders build great leadership teams.
May 31, 2022
In today’s competitive market, it would be better to figure out a way to keep those people that do add value to the team. Here’s how.
As unfortunate as it might sound, there seems to be at least one difficult member on most leadership teams. We all know the profile—they struggle to collaborate, feel like they are always right, and dismiss others’ perspectives. In fact, there has been quite a bit written about dealing with difficult people at work. While I agree with much of it, I think the solutions often are a bit simplistic.
Of course, toxic executives who are unethical or demeaning to others have no place in any organization and as challenging as it might be they should be counseled out. However, solutions aren’t quite as straightforward when dealing with high performing, talented senior leaders who frequently display difficult behaviors. I recognize that this notion goes against current conventional wisdom, but the reality is that superior senior leadership talent and expertise is worth a great deal to any organization and can sometimes outweigh the pattern of difficult behaviors individuals might exhibit. I am not suggesting that bad behaviors should not be dealt with, but I am submitting that ‘just fire him’ or ‘demote her’ are much easier to say than to do. This is especially true when the senior leaders in question are effective technicians such as a CFO who is masterful at shaping high value acquisitions or a CMO who has led the development of products that set her organization apart.
To bring the challenge to life let me provide a real-life example pulled from our client experience. Charlie is an extremely talented and well-regarded CFO in the government contracting industry with 30+ years of experience. He was the orchestrator of several successful sales to large industry players and when I met him, he was working with another young CEO, Tanya, to help position her company for acquisition. Tanya looked far and wide to find someone with Charlie’s capabilities and track record and was very pleased with his financial engineering efforts. Unfortunately, Charlie became a pariah to his colleagues on the leadership team. They appreciated his experience but were put off by his dismissive “been there, done that” approach to almost every conversation.
Comments like the following were commonplace: “I’ve been doing this for over 30 years, and I know without a doubt that what you are suggesting won’t work.” Charlie also wanted to be included in the decision making of every facet of the organization but was quite proprietary when it came to his own area. Team members confronted Tanya and suggested that Charlie “had to go” or the company would start to lose other senior leaders and employees. Given that Charlie’s abrasive style was counter to her own, Tanya agreed that some action needed to be taken but was she concerned about setting back the progress that had been made to get the company in strong financial shape.
Tanya engaged me to help repair her increasingly dysfunctional leadership team. While certainly not the only challenge the team was facing, Charlie was the biggest elephant in the room so the balance of this article will focus on the actions Tanya and her team took to address a difficult teammate.
Like all good consultants I started by interviewing the members of the leadership team as well as Charlie’s direct reports. Tanya was frustrated that the team couldn’t see the incredible value that Charlie was bringing to the organization. “Sure, he can be abrasive at times, but they just don’t seem to see the big picture.” A few teammates seemed to recognize the value but struggled to see how the CEO could let Charlie behave so poorly. “I know he’s done a great job positioning us for sale for which we will all benefit greatly but we have also played a big part in the company’s success, and he often makes our job much harder than they should be.”
The bulk of the team had little to no appreciation for Charlie’s ‘so-called value.’ “We certainly can find another capable CFO who is better to work with and who cares about the contributions and perspectives of his colleagues.” Charlie’s direct reports were torn as they too felt the dismissive ‘my way is best’ air but they also witnessed Charlie’s amazing talent first-hand. “While he can be very difficult to work for, I have learned more from him than any other person I have ever worked for.” When I finally spoke with Charlie, he suggested that he thought the team worked pretty well together but people got their feelings hurt too easy and spent too much time on trivial issues. “When I am asked my opinion, I give it and sometimes people don’t like that I am direct and don’t agree with them.”
As I debriefed the highlights of the interviews with Tanya, it became quite clear to both of us what actions needed to be taken.
1. Action One – Coaching. Given that Charlie’s behavior was clearly holding the team back, Tanya met first with Charlie to discuss the challenge and help him think through how to strengthen relationships with his teammates. It wasn’t a surprise to Charlie how his colleagues felt about him, but he was a bit alarmed by Tanya’s level of concern about the harm it was causing the team. “Your behavior is shutting down important dialogue, putting a rift between finance and other departments, and generally sapping the energy of the team.” Charlie was a bit defensive at first but given Tanya’s direct but supportive approach, he finally admitted that he could do better. With Tanya’s coaching he agreed to reach out to his colleagues to let them know he was committed to being a better teammate. “I commit to listening to your perspective and regardless of my opinion I will speak with you with the respect and courtesy you deserve.” These discussions were very helpful in preparing for the team level discussions associated with action two.
2. Action Two – Assumptions & Expectations. While Charlie’s behavior clearly needed to be addressed, Tanya wanted to highlight that the entire team including her had some work to do. She started the next leadership team meeting by revealing that she sometimes unfairly categorizes colleagues who have much different styles and approaches than she does as difficult. “I am pretty reflective and need a bit of time to think through challenges before reacting or committing and when I encounter others who think out loud and make quick decisions, I sometimes falsely assume they are arrogant and rash.” She challenged the team to reflect on the assumptions they might be making about teammates that could be inaccurate. “We might be right but there is a good chance that our assumptions might be wrong or at least partially wrong which is a lost opportunity.”
Tanya then turned to the team’s operating principles—the expectations for how they agreed to work together as a team. She placed particular emphasis on two of the principles: respect and listening. For the first—we commit to treating each other with respect—Tanya emphasized that she would not tolerate disrespectful behavior from anyone. She underscored that while each team member is a bit different and each does things that annoy others sometimes—talk too much, get distracted easily, ask too many questions—there this is no reason to lash out, ignore or disparage colleagues. “We have too many important things to deal with every day as an organization to let disrespect get in the way.” She acknowledged that she had tolerated disrespectful behavior from some of in the past and committed to holding everyone accountable in the future.
For the second principle—we commit to listen and consider each other’s perspectives—she made it clear that while Charlie’s delivery needed to improve, each team member also needed to do a better job truly listening and seeking to understand views that are counter to their own. “Sometimes we need to have a thicker skin and work hard to get beyond how something is being delivered and consider what is being said. This sense of curiosity will make us and all our employees better.” Tanya finished by reiterating that it was up to each team member to live by these operating principles and to acknowledge when we flounder and lift each other up.
3. Action Three – Accountability. Tanya recognized right from the start that Charlie’s work to become a better teammate would not be easy. Not only had she let him get away with poor behavior for quite some time, but she also realized that he had likely be operating with this style and approach for most of his career. She committed to being a sounding board for Charlie to think through how to engage more productively and respectfully and was also quite clear that she would be watching and would call him out directly when she saw him fall. “I value your contribution immensely, but I will not let you or anyone else detract from the important work we do together as a team.” Tanya also encouraged teammates to address challenges directly with each other but indicated that she was more than happy to get involved when authentic efforts were at a stalemate.
This is what great leaders do. They gain agreement on expectations (in this case behavioral expectations); do their part to live by the expectations; and hold each other accountable.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-06-28 09:41:502022-06-30 12:07:25How To Handle Difficult Leadership Team Members
Unfortunately, living and working with difficult people is unavoidable. While they’re a little easier to manage in our personal lives, at work, it can become a struggle to balance professionalism and quality work with putting up with distractions and setbacks. Today’s post discusses nine best practices for working with difficult people so you can keep your sanity while accomplishing your goals and completing projects on time.
1. Stay Aware
Every workplace is supposed to be a relatively safe space, so it can be all too easy to forget this obvious first step—be aware of your surroundings, as well as how you interact with your team members and other coworkers. Are there people whose attitudes and habits are those you’re better off avoiding? Are they passive aggressive or overly argumentative? Sometimes simply being aware of these kinds of attitudes are all you need to bypass them because you’ll be mentally and professionally prepared to meet that need or problem head on with productive attitudes and answers.
An extension of this is also very important, i.e., be aware of yourself. This involves more than simply ensuring that you’re respectful (which we’ll address in a moment). Rather, it’s a matter of understanding the words and behaviors that can trigger or exacerbate the problems at the heart of why working with difficult people seems impossible. All interactions and conversations go in two directions, so own your part of every situation and do your best to keep your team productive.
2. Stay Calm
It’s undeniable that successful people keep a cool head under pressure, so it should be no surprise that staying calm is on the list of best practices for working with difficult people. Staying calm will allow you to take advantage of the other tips in our list, plus it will prevent difficult situations from escalating. You’ll be able to approach the situation with an open mind and possibly even get to the heart of what the difficult coworkers in question are actually trying to achieve.
Remember, anger can be useful, but losing your temper never improves a situation.
3. Stay Respectful
This should go without saying, but it can be hard to remember in the heat of the moment. As we mentioned in our first tip, you need to own your part in the situation, and that means being aware of how you treat your coworkers. After all, treating them poorly will only validate their need to be defensive and problematic, allowing them to blame you for their behavior as well as the resulting effects on the team and current project.
Of course, this is especially true of difficult coworkers that are also positioned over you. If you’re being assigned work that’s outside the purview of your job description, being passed over for promotion, or even struggling against sexism, the respectfulness in your approach can make all the difference. At the very least, you’ll have done everything you could to resolve the situation without ever sabotaging the attempt to resolve issues.
4. See Their Perspective
The outflow of the last two points feeds into the old adage—walk a mile in their shoes. Understanding a difficult coworker’s point of view and treating them respectfully can help you determine not only what they’re trying to accomplish socially through their behavior, but what they’re trying to accomplish with their work, and what’s actually at the core of their poor behavior. It may help you neutralize the poor behavior altogether, but at the very least, it will help you determine solutions to keep your productivity up and your workplace atmosphere smooth.
Remember, compassion is not a weakness as long as it’s accomplished in a healthy, forward thinking manner.
5. Navigate Toward Solutions
Forward motion is incredibly important, and it’s actually possible to use that for the purpose of deflating stressful situations. Keep the focus on how different parts of the project are progressing and find non-intrusive methods for the team to keep contact. It’s possible that in helping the team as a whole resolve the frustration and stress of working through the project, the tangential stress of working with difficult people will also be resolved.
Furthermore, when issues are clear enough, it’s also important that you and even your team find a way to mediate those problems. Especially if you’re a team leader, allowing those issues to stand are only going to get worse, hurt productivity, and reflect poorly on you.
6. Navigate Away from the Problems
Unfortunately, sometimes resolution isn’t going to be immediately possible, and in worst case scenarios, resolutions are less than optimal. For whatever reason, the problematic person’s behavior isn’t going to change and it’s starting to hurt your job performance. Maybe it’s getting harder and harder to be civil, or maybe the level of interruption means that you’re no longer capable of staying on task. It’s time to step away, whether that means exiting from a conversation, using another office, or something else altogether. In some workplaces that’s easier than in others, so it’s possible that you’ll need to talk to a manager or HR to hash out alternating schedules or similar.
Remember, removing yourself from a particular situation isn’t rude. Sometimes finding someplace else to do your work is what you need to do in order to maintain civility and stay productive, plus it gives you space to approach the situation fresh.
7. Document Everything
No matter what level you are within management or even just within your team, it’s important for you as well as the business to keep problems documented. Hopefully the company has a process in place, because problem mediation is as much a matter of quality assurance as ensuring documents are formatted to the right template and manufacturing sites operate within certain guidelines. Team expectations should be clear and documented, so everyone knows what their roles are.
When interacting directly with a problematic person, it’s also useful to keep records for the purpose of taking business action if necessary. Whether it’s a coworker, a subordinate, or a boss, saving emails, sending clarification emails to nail down expectations, and similar can be important to ensure that there’s something to reflect the truth of a situation beyond a “he said, she said” argument. If it’s a boss, this can help ensure that you stay on the same page for a project, even when they change their mind about how it should be completed. If it’s a coworker, this can also help ensure that supervisors see the work that you’re doing — you don’t want your difficult coworker to speak for you or your work in meetings and more.
Remember, protecting yourself and your job isn’t selfish, it’s smart.
8. Give Them a Space
Believe it or not, sometimes when you’re working with difficult people, what they really need is an outlet to share their concerns and ideas. This doesn’t excuse their poor behavior, to be sure, but by giving them a time and a place focused to their needs—whether it’s during a team meeting or a one-on-one meeting—it may ameliorate the problematic behavior and result in overall constructive discourse.
9. Bring in Authority
In the end, sometimes it is entirely unavoidable that outside help is going to be necessary. When you’ve followed the rest of our tips, seeking assistance from someone higher in the chain or from HR shouldn’t be risky, nor should you feel embarrassed by the need to do so. Seeking the mediation and advice of a superior is the responsible thing to do.
Typically, this involves a team member bringing in a supervisor, but in some cases, managers need to do this with the employees they supervise. They hold back bringing in their own manager in a vain attempt to protect a potentially valuable member from getting into trouble or from seeming like they’re an incapable manager. However, undue delay seeking help from a superior can end up perpetuating poor behavior and end up reflecting more poorly on you.
Now that you understand some of the best practices for working with difficult people, you should find that getting through the workday while working with difficult people will start to get easier. Always remember—be respectful, ensure you’re following company policy, and don’t be afraid of bringing authority in to ultimately solve the problem.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-06-08 06:20:292022-06-08 06:20:299 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People in the Workplace
About Kim Harrison – author, editor and content curator
Kim Harrison, Founder and Principal of Cutting Edge PR, loves sharing actionable ideas and information about professional communication and business management. He has wide experience as a corporate affairs manager, consultant, author, lecturer, and CEO of a non-profit organization. Kim is a Fellow and former national board member of the Public Relations Institute of Australia, and he ran his State’s professional development program for 7 years, helping many practitioners to strengthen their communication skills. People from 115 countries benefit from the practical knowledge shared in his monthly newsletter and in his books available from cuttingedgepr.com.
Most people can be managed normally – no problem. But a minority may be difficult. What can be done about problem people? The problem may not be with them personally, but may be a problem with their situation. So, how can you deal with difficult people issues?
I’ve been through that experience personally. When I first started with a large power utility, I found two of my staff had put up their hand for a voluntary redundancy scheme offered to all employees – and had been rejected. They were so keen to get out of there and felt so demoralized after the knock-back, their work rate suffered. What a problem I had inherited! I had to find out ways to address their issue.
You can try the performance management process, which is formal, legalistic, and often long-winded and ponderous. A formal process should be a last resort. Try an informal route first.
Find out the reasons for the problem
Most difficult employees aren’t difficult because they want to be difficult. They would prefer to be happy at work. Therefore they are only being difficult for a reason or a combination of related reasons. Some of the reasons may be due to things you can’t change, but you can still seek to find a solution through other angles.
The first and obvious step is to find the reasons for the problem causing the difficult people issues. The reason may be obvious, but not everyone tries to understand their people. Workplace issues are usually about relationships and if you focus on the problem person’s relationships you are likely to find some or all of the problem. Ask some questions about how they feel about being a team member and if they are happy with the other members of the team including you. Their views towards the people they work with are likely to surface
Quite often the battle lines are drawn without management recognizing the underlying issues. If the person hasn’t made their issues clear, and they have been reluctant to speak directly about the problem, try to understand them better by communicating with them.
Ask tactful questions
Chat with them and try to get a better picture of their motivations, the reasons behind their attitude and the difficult people issues involved. Perhaps they have pressures at home. Ask some tactful questions about the family. Good supervisors know at least a bit about their personal life – their families, general health matters, recreational interests, vacation preferences etc. Try to explore these angles to find out where the person is coming from.
If you know the person is not happy about specific workplace things, but won’t raise them with you directly, discuss the general problem area. Probe further, but gently. Don’t force the questions, but try to dig deeper so you get past the predictable initial delaying response. Ask them, “What else?” in order to probe deeper. Repeat the question if the person is giving trite responses.
If you are not sure of the problem you may want to do some homework by speaking to their peers, the ones you can trust, for some feedback on the problem. Perhaps you are the cause of problems because of your attitude towards that person or certain rules or requirements you have imposed on your work group. Others may not be upset by such impositions, but that person may be sensitive.
Perhaps you haven’t got to know the person well enough. Ask them questions such as “What do you believe your strengths are?” and “How can we make best use of your abilities?” Also try other questions such as “What would you do to solve this problem if you had the right opportunity?” The answers could be valuable.
Perhaps circumstances are stressful for both of you. Perhaps there have been layoffs, which could have been trying for you both. Perhaps you could be more patient with your staff.
Listen carefully
Communication is a two-way process. Speaking is only a part of communication. Listening is more important than speaking. Unfortunately, most supervisors and managers talk too much and don’t listen carefully to their staff. If you ask the people who work for a manager or supervisor what their boss does when not talking, those people are likely to say something like: “Waiting to talk.” That’s not the same as listening!
Hearing people speak is only the beginning. Try to hear in between the lines, the things that aren’t said as well as the things that are.
When you listen, actively listen. Show you are listening. Paraphrase their words back to them. Say things like, “If I understand you correctly, you mean …” and “Do you mean, from what you are saying that…” When you are talking with them, look at them. Don’t check emails on your computer behind your desk, don’t direct stray glances at your smartphone, and don’t look around the room while they are with you. In fact, sit with them across a table so you are directly facing them. Ask them straight out: “Do you think I listen enough to what you are saying?” Give them your complete attention.
What most deserves our attention
If you are still not getting anywhere with the problem person, you can try the direct approach recommended by Susan Scott, one of the best HR consultants in the United States, and the best-selling author of Fierce Conversations. She says to set up a meeting with a problem person, saying:
When we meet tomorrow, I want to explore with you whatever you feel most deserves our attention, so I will begin our conversation by asking, “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” I will rely on you to tell me. If the thought of bringing up an issue makes you anxious, that’s a signal you need to bring it up. I am not going to talk over you or bring my own agenda to the table. If I need to talk with you about something else, I will add it at the end or will arrange another conversation with you.
Then at the meeting let the other person do most of the talking, is her advice. Ask them to describe the issue that is most important to them: “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” Ask them, “What is the current impact of this on you?” and “Who or what else is being affected?” Probe further; ask “What else?” at least three times. Listen carefully to what they say. Don’t worry about silences; just wait for the other person to resume. If you do most of the talking you learn little about the other person that you didn’t know already.
Don’t allow the other person to land the problem back in your lap. Say it is still theirs to deal with. This is an effective approach to start addressing difficult people issues.
Questions to ask about what they feel and think
Ask what they feel about the situation: “When you consider these impacts, what do you feel?” Such meetings are usually quite tense as the other person will have deep emotions about the problem. Only when you get them to disclose their feelings will they realize the emotional price involved.
Then lead on to say, “If nothing changes, what are the implications?” Ask, “What else?” Probe their feelings further, saying, “When you consider those possible outcomes, what do you feel?”
Ask the question: “How have you helped to create this issue or situation?” Don’t comment on the response except something like “That’s useful to know.”
Then ask, “What is the ideal outcome? When this is resolved, what difference will that make?” Keep probing; ask, “What else?” Probe feelings: “What do you feel when you consider these possibilities?”
The most effective step
Finally, ask, “What’s the most effective step you can take to begin to resolve this issue? What are you committed to do and when? When should I follow up with you?”
Don’t allow interruptions, don’t postpone or cancel the meeting, and provide plenty of time so you don’t have to cut the meeting short. If you allow any of these things to happen, you will be giving the person the message that they aren’t important to you, which will only compound the whole problem.
You can also use these steps to resolve issues in your personal and family relationships. It’s a powerful process for resolving difficult people issues you encounter in your working life and personal life.
For workplace issues with people, you may find my article, “Ten ways to get people to change,” useful for dealing with people who have become difficult because they don’t want to face change in the workplace.
On the other hand, an article in the Strategy + Business newsletter in 2018 claims that “There’s no such thing as difficult people.” You can also read this article, which may give you some more useful ideas.
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This article is written by Susmita Sarma, a digital marketer at Vantage Circle. She was involved with media relations before shifting her interest in research and creative writing. Apart from being a classical music buff, she keeps a keen interest in anchoring and cooking. For any related queries, contact editor@vantagecircle.com
How does it feel working alongside somebody who you’d rather avoid? Don’t you sometimes get crazy at work because of the action and attitude of your coworker?
Well, let’s be honest. In every organization, we encounter a fair share of difficult people. And we all find it challenging to deal with difficult people at work. But that skill is worth rewarding.
Difficult people at work comes in different forms. Like, say, some keeping talking but is never ready to listen. Some others are terrible criticizers and dishonest to their own responsibilities. Again, there are bullies, negativity spreaders, demanding bosses, gossipmongers, and terrible team players with uncompromising employee habits. Other than these, some common behaviors of difficult people at work include-
Mobile phone addicts
Taking credit for other people’s jobs
Double standard personalities
Shouting at others
Blaming others constantly
Showing off how deeply worried they are about work
Stealing ideas and thoughts and showing them as your own
Trust me; if you let these people and their issues go unaddressed, your work-life gets worse. How? Read on.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People At Workplace
Once you realize that you are facing difficulty from a coworker, you generally tend to ignore them. As days pass, you try to console yourselves that relationships get better with time. Sooner or later, the day will come when you will feel miserable going to your workplace. You will feel angry; you will feel pained. All your efforts to not address your difficulties will seem unjustified.
Rather than endure such problems, it’s easier to communicate frankly with the other person and discuss your dilemmas Thus, choosing to live long-term with a difficult situation isn’t a choice. If you are convinced, here are some best ways to help you deal with difficult people at work.
Seven Ways To Handle Difficult People At Work
1. Stop over-reacting and ask yourself.
Always begin with self-examination to assess it’s the difficult person’s activities that are troubling you. Make sure that you are not over-reacting. Ask yourself if you always experience difficulty while dealing with similar people. Do you know if your trouble is short or long-termed? Do you know how to deal with the same for a quicker resolution?
2. Don’t react, if you know that works.
People always try to get a reaction out of you. If you react, they get the chance to repeat themselves. So the next time a coworker says something provocative, try not to react that soon. You can either ignore them or respond in a way that would depict that you are not concerned about their comments. It would put the conversation to rest.
3. Let the difficult person know how you feel.
If you see that, without reactions, things get bitter, let them know how you feel. Be smart and clearly walk up to your coworker or boss and inform them that you do not like how they are treating you.
Try not to burst into your office, asking for answers. Instead, you can do it in a private mode of conversation. Attempt your best not to explode while you are conversing with them. Disclose to them precisely what they are doing and how it is causing you to feel.
It is also important to be pleasing and agreeable as you talk with the other individual. They may not know about the effect of their words or activities on you and accept their mistake. Again, some people might deny it or attempt to clarify your concerns. To keep it balanced, you must try to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.
4. Follow up.
Do you see any signs of improvement on the other side? Or you see it getting worse? Decide if a subsequent follow-up conversation is required. Decide if it will have any effect on your image?
Choose if you need to keep on going up against the troublesome individual without anyone’s help. Decide if you still want to confront the annoying individual all alone by yourself. Try to know if other colleagues are in your support or not.
If you find that you still want to make peace, hold another discussion. If not, move on to the next idea of involving your manager.
5. Talk with your manager/boss.
It may sound like a radical move to take, but often a message from those further up the chain is what they need to reform their ways. Note that, to have a difficult conversation with your boss, you need to prepare accordingly. You should be careful with your approach, and predetermine what works with your boss.
Be sure that you are calm when communicating to explain what is troubling you, how it impacts your job, and how you wish it to be addressed. Take notes with you, if required.
It can be a good practice to record your colleague’s disrespectful behavior, which you can provide as proof when you speak to your manager. You can talk to the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person-carefully. It is because group approaches often persuade the manager that the behavior’s effect is broader and deeper.
6. Don’t take it personally.
At the point when somebody is continuously discourteous and rude to us, we can start to think about it literally and feel like we have accomplished something incorrectly. It might be there is something in particular about you that the individual doesn’t care for.
Such employee behaviors may be originating from that individual’s thoughts and beliefs; however, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong. Keeping this in mind will help you to confront the person, confidently.
If all these approaches fail, you can try to limit your access to a difficult person. Also, if possible, you can request to get transferred to a different department within the organization. If you do that, you may never have to deal with the rough coworker again. And then there is the most drastic move that we usually reserve for extreme times- quitting the job.
7. Find a new job.
Sometimes, irrespective of how hard we seek to fix a problem, a person can never alter his or her way. But their behavior should not come in the way of your happiness and success. You have to know whether the positive qualities in your present circumstance outweigh your troubles or vice versa.
It will be best to move on and start looking for other opportunities if it doesn’t seem to be changing. Even though leaving your recognizable work environment may be upsetting, when you sink into another condition away from that negative conduct, you’re sure to feel much better.
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Dave Asprey is the founder of Bulletproof, and creator of the widely-popular Bulletproof Coffee. He is a four-time New York Times bestselling author, host of the Webby award-winning podcast The Human Upgrade, and has been featured on the Today show, Fox News, Nightline, Dr. Oz, and many more.
Difficult people are a part of life, but the wrong connections can weigh you down and jeopardize your performance.
An ideal scenario would be to simply avoid these people, but that’s not always possible.
How to deal with difficult people: Cultivate empathy, boost oxytocin, take responsibility, express gratitude, meditate, agree to disagree, and get high-quality sleep.
If you try these suggestions and they don’t work, cut ties with the person if possible. If not, set firm boundaries.
Everyone knows one. That controlling in-law, passive-aggressive colleague, or competitive friend. Difficult people are a part of life. But they aren’t doing your emotional or physical health any good. The wrong connections can weigh you down, sap your energy, and jeopardize your performance.
High-quality relationships are a key element to a high-quality life, and the power of community is a subject that I cover in my new book “Game Changers: What Leaders, Innovators, and Thinkers Do to Win at Life.” I interviewed hundreds of the world’s most cutting-edge scientists, educators, athletes, entrepreneurs, and artists to discover what makes these game changers so successful. It quickly became clear that people who are changing the world prioritize connection with others.
But what if some of those connections are causing you unnecessary stress and anxiety? An ideal scenario would be to simply avoid those people, but that’s not always possible. Read on for science-backed ways to deal with difficult people.
7 ways to deal with difficult people
1. Cultivate empathy
Empathy is key to establishing a meaningful connection with another person. Instead of casting off someone because you view them as difficult or unpleasant, take a minute to put yourself in their shoes. Walk around a bit. Empathy allows you to feel somebody else’s pain, and see the world from their point-of-view. Empathy is hard-wired, but it’s also a skill you can learn and improve.[1] Here’s how:
Measure your empathy score: First assess how empathic you are. Try this “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test, which measures your ability to understand the emotional states of other people.
Be curious: When you ask someone about themselves and show curiosity about their life, not only do they feel heard, but it expands your worldview and helps you to understand them better.
Listen: Practice listening hard. Pay close attention to what someone is saying (even if they’re complaining, a common trait in difficult people) and show you’re engaged by looking directly at them. Avoid interrupting and wait until they’re finished making their point before offering your opinion.
Show interest: So your overbearing father-in-law loves bird watching. Read up on the topic and make mention of your newfound knowledge next time you talk to him. Learning about something he’s passionate about may help soften his rough edges and help you to bond in a new way.
Feel compassion: Being manipulative or playing the victim is typically a coping skill learned in childhood, a tactic that someone was forced to use to get their needs met. Once you realize this, you can feel compassion for the person and the child they once were.
2. Boost your oxytocin levels
A lot of how you feel about a person occurs at the chemical level. Social interaction impacts your brain chemistry — for better or for worse. When you meet someone who you perceive as trustworthy, your brain releases a hormone that signals the relationship is safe. That hormone is oxytocin, and when you get a hit of it, you’re driven to spend more time with that person because it makes you feel good.
When you’re dealing with difficult people, you likely won’t get that same hit of oxytocin. But there are ways to get more oxytocin even when you don’t feel particularly connected to the other person. If you feel good, that’s half the battle won when dealing with difficult people.
Ways to activate oxytocin release:
Hug more: Human touch is one of the most effective ways to stimulate oxytocin release. [2][3] Oxytocin lights up reward pathways in the brain, so you and the person you touch feel a sense of wellbeing. When you’re at a family dinner, greet your grumpy aunt with a big bear hug rather than a stiff wave. You may surprise yourself — and her — with how good it makes you both feel.
Prioritize face-to-face interaction: Talking to someone in-person triggers the greatest oxytocin release. Videoconferencing comes in second, then talking on the phone, and then texting. So if you can talk over an issue with your difficult coworker face-to-face or over video, do it.
3. Take responsibility
What makes someone “difficult”? There isn’t a universal definition. What I find challenging may be a non-issue for you. When someone is bugging you, ask yourself, “What is my responsibility in this situation?” The fact is, you can’t change another person, but you can change yourself.
Learn to identify your own emotional triggers and analyze why that particular person’s behavior gets to you so much. Say your boss regularly criticizes you. That sucks, I get it. But maybe someone disapproving of you is an emotional trigger, so you’re going to be especially sensitive to other people’s criticism. Once you have this awareness, you’ll be less emotionally reactive and be better equipped to assess the situation objectively.
4. Express gratitude
Gratitude is fundamental to long-term happiness. It’s so important that I made gratitude one of the core values of my company. Dozens upon dozens of studies show that gratitude makes you happier, more optimistic, more empathic, and more emotionally open.[4][5] Gratitude works at a neural level, and expressing gratitude fires up pathways that lead to more positive thinking.[6]
When you’re feeling positive about your own life and in a more positive mindset, you’re less likely to get affected by a negative interaction with someone. Try out these 11 ways to build more gratitude.
5. Meditate
Dealing with difficult people is stressful. Meditation is one of the most powerful ways to lower stress and ease anxiety.[7] Meditation rewires your brain and stimulates brain regions that soothe your nervous system.[8] A daily meditation practice will help you approach social situations with a sense of calm detachment, and you’ll find that certain things that used to bug you don’t have the same grating effect. Meditation also teaches you to pause before reacting — an especially helpful tool when learning how to deal with difficult people. If you’re new to meditation, start with just five minutes a day, and work your way up to a daily 20-minute practice.
Realize that it’s OK to have opinions or emotions that aren’t in sync with somebody else’s. Conflict — with others and within yourself — is a part of life. Accepting it can bring about peace, both internally and externally. The goal isn’t to change your mind or have somebody else change theirs. Rather, it’s to find a middle ground, which is where understanding and tolerance lies. Connecting with people who challenge you pushes you to grow in unexpected ways.
7. Get high-quality sleep
I talk a lot about the value of high-quality sleep, and for good reason. Sleep makes you more emotionally alert, calm, and present, all valuable tools when dealing with difficult people. While you sleep, your brain processes memories and emotions from your day. Without good sleep, you’re more tense, anxious, reactive, and depressed.[9]Learn how to improve your sleep with these 9 sleep hacks.
The bottom line is, jerks do exist. If you try the above suggestions and the person continues to cause you stress, it may be time to move on. If you’re able to cut ties with him or her, do it. In cases where that’s impossible, like in the workplace, learn to set firm boundaries and stick to them. If your boss emails you at all hours of the night, resolve to only reply during working hours. They’ll soon get the message and will (hopefully) modify their own behavior.
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Family members who never look on the bright side of life. Neighbors who would like you to know that the sound of your kids’ playing in the backyard interrupted their nap. Coworkers who can’t help but micromanage everything. There’s no shortage of difficult people who enter your orbit and cause your blood pressure to redline. Unless you want to go full hermit, there’s rarely a way to avoid them. Such people are just a part of life. There are, however, plenty of tactics you can employ to better handle difficult people and keep your frustration at bay.
So, what makes difficult people so persistently, well, difficult? Ian Parker, clinical director of mental health treatment center Newport Healthcare says lack of empathy is at the heart of the problem. “I often think of difficult people as those who are standing in line at a restaurant and begin to act as if they are the only ones who are waiting for their service,” he says. “They begin badgering the staff, demanding to speak with a manager, and can be thrown into a fit of anger over small or perceived slights. In short, they lack awareness and empathy.”
Now, people are people and might just be having a bad day. But sometimes folks are chronically difficult. So, what, then, is the best way to handle difficult people without losing your cool? Mental health professionals say that the damage of difficult people can be minimized through patience, empathy, and some self-interrogation. Here’s their advice.
1. Consider Whether the Difficult Person is You
Do you find yourself constantly beset by difficult people? Take a step back and a hard look into the mirror. As Holler philosopher Raylan Givens once said, “If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.” Janine Ilsley, Integrative Therapist at Cobb Psychotherapy says that some people’s nervous systems can have overactive responses to external situations. These responses, or “emotional charges” cause discomfort. Instead of interrogating their internal response, people blame it on people around them for causing the discomfort. “We have an automatic tendency to look outside ourselves to explain the raw discomfort, often by blaming the other and defending ourselves or whatever defense mechanism has assisted us in the past, rather than taking charge of our experience by internally responding to it,” Ilsley says. Take time to listen to your feelings first and consider if your reaction is truthful to the moment.
2. Don’t Give Them the Fight They Want
Difficult people thrive on confrontation and come alive when someone loses their cool. So, when you present them with any kind of argument, you’ve already lost the battle. It doesn’t matter how bulletproof your logic. They want a fight and you’re giving them one. “Often, trying to reason with people who are unreasonable is a set-up for conflict,” says Marriage and Family Therapist Layla Ashley says. Wise words indeed.
3. Kill the Headlights and Put in Neutral
Psychologist Jaime Zuckerman recommends treating difficult people with the stone-faced “just the facts, ma’am” demeanor of a ‘50s TV cop. With difficult people, you always want to stay neutral in your responses to them,” Zuckerman says. “So, if they start screaming or become arrogant, you don’t want to meet them where they’re at. Stay fact based and at ease.”
When you’re dealing with somebody, who has heightened anger, frustration, or anxiety, the more you raise your voice or the more you try to argue with them, the deeper into that pattern in that dynamic you become. If you’re neutral, you don’t give them anything to latch onto. You’re like a boxer letting your opponent tire themselves out with round after round of wild swings.
4. Accentuate the Positive
Everybody thinks they’re the good guys in their life stories. And often you can diffuse a situation with a difficult person — or at least temporarily catch them off guard — by acknowledging whatever good intentions they might have. This doesn’t mean betraying your principles or using deception. Pluck a single point of agreement from the difficult person’s bouquet of aggravating bullshit and play it up. “You can agree with what is true, while asserting your own position,” Ashley says. “For example, your friend is laying a guilt trip on you for saying no to babysitting her child. You could say, ‘I’m happy you’re trying to spend more quality time with your husband, however I’m not available to babysit this weekend.’”
5. Acknowledge and Validate
Life coach Natalie Fayman says people become “difficult” when they feel frustrated and unheard. “Taking the time to truly listen to and understand the person you’re talking to is the fastest way to defuse an emotionally-charged conversation,” Fayman says. Finding the maturity and grace to listen to someone who’s driving you up a wall can be very difficult. So don’t look at it as taking the high road. If it helps, you can view it as a tactic you’re using to trick somebody that’s bugging you. Either way, acknowledging and validating a person’s grievances can knock the wind out their sails. Listen carefully to their complaints and show them you understand it through a statement that shows you were paying attention. “When someone feels that they’ve been truly heard and understood, this usually tones down the intensity of their emotional state,” Fayman says.
6. Set Boundaries (And Expect Them to be Tested)
If your natural inclination is to keep people happy and go along with the flow, difficult people will eat you for lunch, then nibble on you for the rest of the afternoon, not out of hunger but just because they know they can. Being very clear about how you’re willing to be treated is of utmost importance with difficult people. Set your limits ahead of time and be clear with yourself that while those limits will be tested you will hold firm. “If you know somebody’s difficult, it almost helps to go into the situation expecting it to be difficult rather than hoping that it’s not,” says Zuckerman.
7. Consider Cutting Ties
Sometimes some people just aren’t worth the aggravation. It can be a tough call but ghosting an impossibly difficult person might be the best thing for both of you in the long run, says Gail Saltz MD, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry The New York Presbyterian Hospital and host of the “How Can I Help?” podcast. You don’t have to deal with all that noise and the shock of losing a punching bag might spur some much-needed self-awareness on the difficult person’s part. “If you’ve tried repeatedly to explain how you feel, if the difficult person cannot or will not make any changes, if you’re caught in a constant cycle that makes you generally feel terrible more of the time than you feel good about the relationship, if this person not only doesn’t bring out the best in you but rather brings out the worst, if you feel better when they aren’t in your life, all of these indicate this may not be the relationship to hold onto,” says Saltz. After you’ve tried all the above, sometimes severing ties is the best way forward.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-05-03 07:27:372022-05-03 07:27:37How to Deal With Difficult People Without Losing Your Cool
Most people have, at one point in their career, met a challenging coworker. These relationships might complicate workplace relationships. However, knowing how to overcome challenges presented by your colleagues can help you gain peace of mind at work and ensure you are at your best for maximum productivity. In this article, we discuss some examples of challenging coworkers and provide tips for dealing with them.
How do you deal with difficult coworkers?
Follow these steps to deal with difficult coworkers:
1. Determine whether interacting with the coworker at that time is a priority
It works well to try and identify whether dealing with your colleague is a priority. For example, suppose you were working on a project together, and the duration of the collaboration was almost over. In that case, it might not be worth your while to start dealing with the colleague, especially if chances of working again are none.
However, if it is at the start of the team engagement, it might be wise to decide to deal with the colleague as soon as possible to ensure the project’s success. If you somehow land a job with a form of permanence, then deal with your coworker as soon as you see signs of difficulty.
Determine beforehand what you wish to accomplish at the end of the road. Fix a specific objective and focus on it without wavering, even if the circumstances change. Here are some of the objectives you may set:
You should understand the situation with your coworker. Ask for details to clarify the source. Press for a complete description and avoid solving it until you fully grasp the situation as it is. Try to know who might be the cause of the issue. Ensure you have ruled out the fact that you may have inspired the response from your colleague. This helps to gain a perspective that may lead to both of you getting along well.
Ask yourself the following questions to gather information and understand the situation:
“Is the behaviour one-time or a recurring pattern?”
If the situation is becoming unmanageable, it might be time to speak out to your coworker. Use “I” language to increase reception of your message instead of “you,” which may prompt a less productive response. Some examples are:
“I feel wronged when you address me this way,” instead of “you are always calling me mean names.”
“I have concluded that your punctuality is making it hard for us to submit our team report on time, instead of “you are the reason why we never submit our team report on time.”
“I feel upset whenever you respond to patients that way,” instead of “the way you respond is unprofessional.”
Even if your colleague is challenging, they may be going through some hard situations or dealing with a less-enjoyable thing. Show compassion as you get to know your coworkers, and you may find that you would respond in the same manner if you were in their situation. Use humour to defuse situations. A bit of humour might be a tactic to use in case of a situation full of tension. A light-appropriate joke might calm everyone.
6. Encourage healthy competition in the workplace
To deal with overly-competitive coworkers, create a culture of healthy competition at work. Avoid using unfair means to win competitions and encourage integrity and fairness while competing. Set an example for your colleague to follow. If possible, join your colleague and also help them succeed. Show them you want to work with them, not against them.
7. Find common ground for collaboration
Common ground can be a common objective, a shared value, perspective or opinion when dealing with a difficult coworker. This prevents assumptions that usually lead to pre-judgements about different parties. Examples of common clauses are:
“So we both agree that this report has to be submitted by next week?”
“Can we all conclude that there is a tie between both parties?”
“Let us agree that this is a situation that requires the presence of our supervisor.”
“We can safely accept that none of us can deal with this client at the moment.”
8. Acknowledge their concerns and feedback publicly
Sometimes, colleagues may raise a valid critique point. Acknowledge that they do have a point and try to ask for details and find a solution. Criticism is healthy when it leads to progress.
9. Talk to your manager
When the situation progresses to uncontainable levels, it may be wise to raise your concerns with your supervisor or visit your HR department. Ensure you have some valid proof of what has been going on. The HR team will then handle the issue to resume work without interference from the problematic coworker.
10. Accept them as they are
Another way is wisely accepting them and adapting to their behaviour. Sometimes, you might, from your assumptions, “not like them.” However, it is normal to find some personalities attractive and others unappealing. It is thus okay to accept their nature and give them time to exhibit better behaviours and attitudes.
11. Limit your engagements
As you carry on with your daily work dealings, you might find it helpful to avoid unnecessary interactions with the problematic individual. For example, you may avoid them even during lunchtimes and meetings. You could also stick around coworkers whose company you find encouraging.
12. Maintain professionalism within the workplace
Do not divulge your personal or private information to your colleagues. Instead, tell your colleague that you’d instead not share about it to avoid gossip.
Also, maintain a neutral position when it comes to opinions bringing problems at work. This will help create a positive environment for everyone to work in and be productive. Be the better person and treat everyone with the respect and kindness they deserve to show maturity. In case of a confrontation, stay calm and use a professional tone to address the opposite party.
You could shift your attention to the good coworkers you enjoy having around instead of fixing it on the person. Pursue positive relationships with the rest of your colleagues. Such engagements can be very encouraging and may lift your morale as you go through the day. Sometimes you may even end up forgetting about them.
How to deal with the different types of coworkers
The following are different coworker types of situations:
Stolen work credit: Assess the severity of the situation calmly talk it over with your colleague. If the situation progresses, talk to your boss or the HR department.
Negative-minded: Identify the positivity in their comments or distance yourself from negative situations.
Time waster or latecomer: Set clear deadlines and if you are in a leadership position, train them to manage their time well.
Overly competitive: Be direct that you do not wish to compete and focus on your work.
Gossiper: Avoid participating in office politics and gossip. Behave professionally at work. If you find out someone is gossiping about you, review the company policy to check what ethics are to be maintained.
Bully: Confront the bully and if the situation persists, document their behaviour to approach your manager or the HR team with evidence.
Micromanager: Ask for more unsupervised roles and collaborate with them efficiently.
Why do you need to learn how to deal with your coworkers?
The following are reasons why you should know how to deal with difficult coworkers:
When you learn how to deal with them, you can apply this important skill at work and other areas of your life, such as business and client conflict resolution. The skill is also an advantage when employers are looking for managers and employees to promote.
Dealing with them will make your work life easier and reduce the struggle at work.
It may lead to happier customers.
If things progress to a more significant conflict, management could identify you as a cause of conflict.
It can contribute to the growth of the company and increases the morale and productivity of the team.
It saves you much time that would have been spent solving issues from the difficult colleague.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-04-22 13:42:332022-04-22 13:42:33How To Deal With Difficult Coworkers (With Examples)
BY SCOTT MAUTZ, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND AUTHOR, ‘FIND THE FIRE’ AND ‘MAKE IT MATTER’@SCOTT_MAUTZ
The only certainties in life may be death, taxes, and the presence of difficult people. Whether it’s co-workers or anyone you find hard to deal with, we all go through it. Regarding the former, a study among 5,000 office workers titled “The Global Human Capital Report” indicated that 85 percent of co-workers have to deal with interpersonal conflict of some sort at work.
Interacting with difficult people drains our energy, productivity, and even happiness. But those that are oil to your water don’t have to cause more anxiety then they need to. In Find the Fire, I discussed how to tackle this problem. Here, I offer the best of that advice to apply immediately in dealing with tough co-workers or any difficult people in your life.
1. Stop wishing they were different.
It’s critical to remember when dealing with difficult people that you’re trying to change the interchange, you’re not trying to change them. You have to give people the space to be themselves and start from a place of trying to really understand what makes them different from you.
When we’re interacting with someone, it’s so easy to put labels on them, “He’s not a good listener,” “She’s so spiteful,” “He’s an ego-maniac.” Maybe there are some wisps of truth to what you’re thinking but they may well be rooted in the person’s behavior relative to you, not their true personae. It’s important to stay focused on the predicament, not the personality.
2. Get started fixing it–and start with you.
I’ve coached many a person over my career on a difficult relationship they were having with a co-worker. All too often I’d notice that they were complaining about the co-worker and their acidic relationship, but they weren’t actually taking initiative to do something about it.
Don’t wait for the other person, take the initiative to attack the issue immediately (it won’t get better through stagnation). And start with you in doing so. Ask yourself what you’re doing that might be setting off the other person. Ask if your ego is coming into play and causing you to escalate what otherwise could be innocuous exchanges. Talk to, not about, the other.
3. Understand the why.
You can’t reach an understanding with a difficult person if you don’t seek to understand why they’re behaving in the way that’s grating on your last nerve. When we’re interacting with a difficult person it’s so easy to focus on counterpoints and deflating their arguments and noticing their flaws.
Instead, put your energy into saying more thoughtful things and asking better questions to get to a deeper knowledge of where they’re coming from. You might discover they’re behaving the way they are because they have different reward systems than you do, because they have a serious personal situation in the background, or they have underlying insecurities driving the way they approach you. Knowing any of that would change your exchange.
4. Stop making assumptions about intent.
When you’re constantly subconsciously (or quite consciously) assuming the worst about a difficult person’s intent, your interactions are doomed to fail. The truth is, difficult people often don’t see themselves that way. Don’t let this assumption derail you. Think of times when someone misunderstood your intent–it’s frustrating and naturally leads to further conflict. But it doesn’t have to.
5. Build small bridges.
No one is saying the difficult person has to become your bridge-playing pal. But there is opportunity for you to take small steps to close the gap in what separates you. Find small, genuine compliments to give. Build on commonalities. Show you can be trusted. Acknowledge, don’t argue. Regarding workplace conflicts, psychologist Andy Selig says “Most of the time, all protagonists involved feel like the victim.” So work to lower their defenses slowly over time.
6. Choose not to let them have power over you.
Ultimately, despite all your best efforts, that difficult person still might cause you some anxiety. But the truth is, you decide if you’re going to give someone undue influence over you in your life. Do your level best to improve the relationship than level off the impact they have on you.
Difficult people don’t have to be so difficult. Apply the above and get to mending.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-04-08 07:36:112022-04-08 07:36:116 Ways to Gracefully Handle the Most Difficult People in Your LifeCo-workers or any difficult people in your life don't have to cause you so much angst.
Former FBI lead hostage negotiator Chris Voss teaches you communication skills and strategies to help you get more of what you want every day.
Learning a few simple conflict resolution tactics can help you deal with difficult coworkers and managers alike, making it easier to build positive relationships and reach your career goals.
Learning how to deal with a difficult coworker in a constructive way can help you navigate tricky situations while inspiring a positive work environment. Consider these tips for handling conflict at work.
Lead by example. When dealing with a difficult colleague, start by analyzing your own behavior. Consider whether you’ve been communicating adequately and empathetically. You may not be required to make a change, but try to objectively evaluate your role in the conflict—if any. If possible, consult a neutral party (ideally not another coworker) who can objectively assess the situation. Increasing your self-awareness can help you exhibit the behaviors you would like to foster in your workplace.
Confront the situation clearly and respectfully. When confronting a difficult boss or coworker, it’s best to focus on your feelings rather than the other person’s actions. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me when I’m speaking,” try saying, “I feel dismissed when I am not able to finish sharing my thoughts.”
Learn to manage different personalities. Sometimes, avoiding conflict in the workplace boils down to knowing how to manage different personality types. One colleague might require ample social interaction to feel engaged, while another might prefer to keep their work life and personal life separate. Learning and accepting how other team members operate can help set you and your team up for success. When starting a new job, take the time to ask your colleagues about their communication preferences.
Refrain from engaging in office gossip. Gossip is a symptom of a toxic work culture. When coworkers engage in gossip on a daily basis, it can exacerbate employee insecurities and damage the self-esteem of your coworkers. Refusing to engage in office gossip can help improve your working relationships as your coworkers will know you’re a safe individual with whom they can place their trust.
Maintain a focus on your own work. There are many types of difficult coworkers, but one of the most common is a person who’s constantly distracting you from getting actual work done. They may want to discuss personal issues, take frequent breaks, or ask you for too many favors. Be direct with a coworker like this. Try stating, “I’m sorry, but I have a lot of work to do and I really need to focus,” or, “Can we find a designated time to discuss this?”
Raise the issue with a manager. If a coworker’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable, and you’ve done everything in your power to reconcile the situation, consider bringing a formal complaint to your supervisor. If all else fails, talk to your human resources department. If a coworker is making you feel unsafe, document these instances to the best of your ability and speak with an HR professional.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-03-30 07:26:252022-03-30 07:26:25How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
When I recently asked a group of attendees at a workshop if a coworker has ever backstabbed them, the overwhelming (almost 100 percent) was, Yes!
Backstabbing: betrayal (as by verbal attack against one not present) especially by a false friend….Merriam Webster
I’ll bet you would have raised your hand would if you were in the room when I asked the question too. It has probably happened, and it is likely to happen again. Someone you consider a friend has betrayed you. It’s a sad reality.
While I don’t know why this happens, I know what to do about it.
Don’t take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, it shows more about them than you. For whatever reason, they feel they have something to gain by saying something negative about you. Perhaps they look more important or smarter. It isn’t necessarily about making you look bad; it is about making them look good.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt
True to the quote above, you rarely enter their thoughts at all. They are saying whatever they are saying because it helps them! They aren’t considering what it is doing to their reputation or your friendship. By taking it personally, you are assuming they did it to hurt you. You aren’t even on their radar. As much as that hurts, because how could a friend not know what it was doing to you, it isn’t about you at all.
Pick Your Battles. It may be tempting to give your backstabber that stare that lasts a few seconds too long or to walk right up to them and say, “Game on!” But while it’s tempting, it’s not smart; don’t do it.
If you react emotionally (because you did take it personally; otherwise, you wouldn’t be upset), it is important to choose your battles. You may say something you regret and certainly something you can’t take back. You are stooping to their level by backstabbing your false friend, and you don’t need to do that.
That doesn’t mean you should always ignore when you are stabbed in the back. There may be times when having a one-on-one confrontation is exactly what you need to do. Be clear on what is overall harmful to your reputation and career. If it isn’t affecting your credibility at work, it might be best to look the other way.
I’ve decided that when people talk about how I spend my money, the state of my marriage, or my weight, I just ignore it. But when I hear that someone has said something about my professional abilities and integrity, I will confront them on those issues. My line in the sand is my professional reputation. If what has been said affects my professional reputation, I will confront them directly.
Prove the backstabber was wrong. Correcting rumors requires action on your part. I don’t mean that you need to speak to every person and clarify what was wrong, but let your actions speak louder than any words. Show that the negative statements about you were wrong.
This is not your cue to fight back by betraying them back. That doesn’t prove them wrong at all; it confirms that you are just as bad a friend as they are.
“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”
―George Bernard Shaw
Be smarter than your backstabber. Be smart about how you respond to the situation. By looking at how you handle the situation, you are showing others that you have more integrity than many people do. Don’t respond like a child and go running to all your friends at work and complain about what is happening. If you do that, you are a backstabber as well.
It hurts to be stabbed in the back by someone we consider a friend at work. By dealing with the situation professionally and respectfully, you will show that you are a better person.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-03-22 08:37:382022-03-22 08:37:38Dealing with a Backstabber at Work
The views expressed in this article are those of the author alone and not the World Economic Forum.
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
They set limits.Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.
They stay aware of their emotions.Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
They don’t focus on problems—only solutions.Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
They don’t forget.Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
They get some sleep.I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-03-08 07:49:222022-03-08 07:49:22Dealing with difficult people: A guide
On a mission to share about how communication in the workplace and personal relationships plays a large role in your happiness Read full profile
Doesn’t it seem like we deal with difficult people in almost all phases of our lives?
I’ve often had to deal with difficult people at work throughout my career. Sometimes it’s been my supervisor, other times it’s been my fellow associates and even other times, it’s people in other departments.
Then there are our families. I know it’s not just my family that can be extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve heard enough stories from friends to know that a lot of people’s families drive them to the brink from time to time.
And don’t even get me started on dealing with the multitudes of people we have to deal with at companies we interact with. Be it the cell phone company or the person that was supposed to fix my roof last year. I had to follow up every week for almost 4 months before they finally came and fixed something that should have been done in the first place.
Why was that so difficult?
There’s probably not an easy answer for why some people are difficult to deal with. The reasons are as varied as the people are. We are all different and sometimes, it’s shocking that we get along as well as we do.
Instead of analyzing why some people can be so difficult, let’s focus on what we can control — our reactions. Let’s look at 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people.
1. Use Lots of Kindness
Look, I get it. When dealing with difficult people, the gut reaction is to be difficult right back. When it feels like someone is attacking you, your first thought is to defend yourself. I’ve been there and still get caught up in that when I don’t slow down and take a pause.
What I have found in almost every difficult situation is kindness goes a lot further than being difficult. When two people are being difficult with each other, the situation tends to escalate to a point where nothing will get accomplished.
On the other hand, when you use lots of kindness with a difficult person many times, it diffuses the situation and you get more of what you want. This is one of the top techniques for dealing with difficult people.
2. Be Compassionate
Ever heard that saying about dealing with your own problems? That if you and a bunch of people shoved all your problems into a circle that you’d most likely take your own back once you saw everyone else’s? I love that.
The point is none of us really know what other people are going through. When dealing with a difficult person, it could be they are going through a very tough ordeal, or dealing with a really big problem you wouldn’t want any part of.
Many times when you show compassion to a person who is being difficult, you’ll find they respond in a positive manner. So many of us get stuck in our own heads and in our own lives that we don’t open our eyes to when others could use some kindness. Give it a try the next time you think about it.
3. Find Something in Common
Ever noticed how when you’re talking to someone for the first time, finding something in common creates a strong initial connection? We all love to feel like part of a group, like we belong. This is a great expert technique to deal with difficult people and one you should keep top of mind.
It’s always nice to find out we went to the same university as someone, it creates a kind of kinship. My daughters are both teenagers now but I used to feel a parental bond with someone when I found out my daughters went to the same school as their kids.
When we can find something in common with a difficult person, it can help make for a smoother conversation afterwards.
4. Stay Calm
Have you ever received an email from someone at work that immediately had you seeing red? This has happened to me on more occasions than I care to remember.
Working with a difficult person on a project can be infuriating. At my less rational moments, I’ve received an email from a difficult person whose only purpose seems to be making things harder and more confusing. When I haven’t paused before responding what usually happens is, I fire off an email that will only serve to make things worse.
Typically, if I can find the patience to stay calm and wait a while before responding, the results are much better. The ability to stay calm when dealing with a difficult person will help you greatly.
5. Share Your Side
Sometimes, being able to articulate to a difficult person where you are coming from will make a big difference.
For instance, if you’ve been running into brick wall after brick wall and the difficult person is your last avenue for resolution, sometimes that makes a difference.
Some people get caught in a standard script of how to deal in certain situations or when someone asks a certain question. If you can provide some context around your specific situation, sometimes that makes a huge difference.
You could let them know you’ve trying to solve your problem for months and you’ve tried X,Y, and Z but can’t get anywhere. Sometimes this is all it takes to open the empathy gates to some extent and get some help. Give it a shot.
6. Treat with Respect
I don’t know a single person who likes to be treated like they are stupid or incompetent. When dealing with a difficult person, always remember to treat them with respect. Once you start attacking someone and acting like they are stupid you might as well be slamming the door shut to get anything done.
Treating someone disrespectfully will almost always make things worse and at a bare minimum make the other person not want to do anything to assist you. It’s the same as remembering the golden rule “treat others as you would like to be treated”. Our mothers are almost always right.
7. Ignore Them
I’m a huge proponent of not interacting with negative people in my life. Why should I? All they seem to do is provide negative input and I don’t need any of that.
By the same token, sometimes the best course of action with a difficult person is to ignore or avoid them. This of course will depend if you can ignore them.
For instance if this is a fellow co-worker that you don’t have to work with much, it may be best to simply ignore them if you can.
Same thing with neighbors or certain people at stores or even potentially customers. Sometimes difficult customers are simply not worth dealing with. Their needs could be better served elsewhere and it’s not always a bad idea to let them know they could probably find someone else who could assist them in the way they are wanting.
8. Control What You Can
Many things in life we can control and many things we can’t. It’s always best to focus on what we can control.
When dealing with a difficult person, think about what you are able to control. Maybe there’s someone else you can deal with instead of the difficult person. They may be simply the first step in the chain.
Recently, I was attempting to work with the marketing department on a new initiative I was putting together. I was told to contact a certain person for help because that’s what had always been done. When I contacted the person, I never got a response. I sent multiple emails and left several voicemails and never heard back from this person. After getting extremely frustrated from never hearing back, I simply started asking other people in marketing.
Lo and behold, I found several people that were willing to help me with my project and with a smile. I basically worked my way around the difficult person. Control what you can.
9. Look at Yourself
Another one of the 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people is to take a look at yourself. As in turn your focus inward. Is there something that you are doing that is making dealing with someone harder than it needs to be?
For instance in general, I am in a pretty good mood. I interact with people all day just about everyday and overall, it goes fairly smoothly.
Sometimes, I’ve got a lot of my mind and am trying to solve a problem of some sort inside my head, even when talking to other people. It has been pointed out to me that I can come across as short, abrupt, and condescending when I am spending a lot of time inside my own head and also interacting with others.
So in this instance, my short condescending responses can make an already agitated person even more upset. Basically the way I respond is adding fuel to the fire.
Take a look at how you are interacting with difficult people to ensure you aren’t making it worse.
10. Overcome Your Fear of Conflict
One of the best techniques for dealing with difficult people is overcoming your fear of conflict. Many people are afraid of conflicts and this can lead to having difficult people walk all over them.
Dealing with a difficult person is challenging enough but if you don’t stand up for yourself and establish boundaries, it’s even worse. Just about everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly by a difficult person.
I’m not advocating intentionally starting conflict. What I am advocating is not fearing conflict in the event a difficult person is treating you poorly. Too many people allow others to have control over them by not standing up for themselves when needed.
Difficult people are all around us in every aspect of our lives. I’ve certainly worked with many difficult people over the years as well as in everyday interactions with people in a wide variety of settings. I’m hopeful these 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people will help you the next time the situation arises.
Communication with other people is such a huge key to living our lives. It’s well worth learning some techniques to deal with difficult people to help us all live happier lives.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-01-28 13:34:012022-01-28 13:34:01How to Deal with Difficult People: 10 Expert Techniques
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
ABOUT SCIENCE OF PEOPLE
Our mission is to help you achieve your social and professional goals faster using science-backed, practical advice. Our team curates the best communication, relationship, and social skills research; turning into actionable and relatable life skills. Science of People was founded by Vanessa Van Edwards, bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma.
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Deborah K. Zmorenski, MBA, is the co-owner and senior partner of Leader’s Strategic Advantage Inc., an Orlando, Fla.-based consulting firm. During her 34-year career with the Walt Disney W… Read More
One of the first people to study difficult employees in the workplace and to assign specific characteristic descriptors to these groups of people was Robert M. Branson. In 1981, he wrote a book called “Coping with Difficult People.” In this book, he identifies seven categories of difficult people:
Hostile-aggressive
Complainers
Silent and unresponsive
Super agreeable
Know-it-all experts
Negativists
Indecisive
Today, these seven categories have been consolidated into three broad categories with very distinct characteristics. These three categories incorporate the characteristics and behaviors of Branson’s original seven categories. They are:
Aggressor
Victim
Rescuer
Most experts believe that it is useful to characterize difficult people and then try to understand them as individuals. For each of these people, social and economic conditions had a lot to do with creating who they are. Contrary to popular belief, difficult people are usually not deliberately toxic, non-productive troublemakers. In fact, they are often employees whose intentions are good and are dedicated and loyal to the organization.
It is also important to note that if behaviors are especially malicious, this goes beyond the definition of difficult and is now labeled destructive. Below are brief definitions of the three categories of difficult people:
Aggressors: Their actions and behaviors are based on the belief that they must demonstrate a tough personality to get things done.
Victims: Sincerely want to do a good job and feel as though they would be successful if others would give them what they need.
Rescuers: Lose focus on their own productivity and responsibilities because they are convinced that they are doing the right and humane thing and the best thing for the organization by taking care of others who can benefit from their expertise and experience.
Seldom do these individuals act in a vacuum. The very nature of their personalities is to interact with others in the organization in ways that satisfy their particular needs. This is illustrated by the Karpman Triangle:
Conceived by Steven Karpman and originally devised as a therapeutic tool, it is also used as a communications device to plot the moves of a series of interactions between people. It demonstrates how the three difficult people personality types may play off one another or may even change places as the situation warrants.
For example, aggressive people find and create victims. Victims are easy prey for bullies. Victims do not get the job done but always have excuses as to why it is not their fault. Rescuers jump in to save the victim. The cycle can go round and round, with each playing their role, effectively supporting the behavior of the other two.
One type may also morph into another. For instance, if a rescuer and a victim should push back very hard on an aggressor, the aggressor may revert to victim behavior. The aggressor may say things like, “It’s not my fault,” “I was just told to do this,” “I have to act like this,” “No one will help me,” or “No one likes me!”
As a manager, you must stop the cycle. Managers, co-workers and team leaders can have a positive impact by understanding who these people are and what drives them and then reacting in ways that diffuse rather than escalate the behaviors. Below are the characteristics of each type of difficult person and tips for dealing with them.
Characteristics of Aggressors
Demanding and loud
Poor listeners
Interrupters
Must-win
Sarcastic/rude
Bullies
Aggressors are often tolerated in the workplace because they tend to be productive and get things done, usually in all the wrong ways. Often, because they are productive, they are promoted into management and executive positions. The Type “A” manager of the 1970s and ’80s is a great example of the aggressor personality type. No matter their level in the organization, what must be considered is how they are impacting others’ ability to get work done, their effect on morale and the consequences of employee turnover as a direct result of the aggressor’s behaviors.
Tips for Dealing with Aggressors
Let them vent: Letting them vent satisfies their need to get it all out. Wait for them to calm down. Try not to prejudge.
Use active listening skills: Practice active listening skills by listening to understand, not to respond. Hold your thoughts, make eye contact and take notes. Remain objective and do not take what they say personally. They may actually have a valid point once you get beyond the aggressive and dominating behavior.
Keep your emotions under control: An emotional response will only add fuel to the fire. If you try to point-and-counterpoint with an aggressor, you will lose and possibly say something you will regret later.
Hold your ground: Do not change your position out of intimidation. If you allow an aggressor to intimidate you into getting his or her way, you will have supported the unacceptable behavior, further convincing the aggressor that bullying behavior gets results.
Address the key issue only: Clarify their point on the key issue. Do not get drawn into other issues. As aggressors get going, they may bring up all of the things that ever bothered them. Calmly say things like, “For now, let’s focus on your key point.”
Do not embarrass them: Do not embarrass them in public. This creates an aggressive defensive reaction, escalating the angry behavior.
Give them a way out/seek a win-win: Aggressors need to feel respected, even if they cannot be right. Say, “You know, I hear what you are saying and you make some valid points, but in order for us to move forward, it has been determined that the best path is … and we are asking that you become part of the team, even if you think we are wrong.”
Characteristics of Victims
Appear to be timid/helpless
Believe that people don’t understand them or their situation
Tend to feel sorry for themselves
Tend to blow things out of proportion
Blame others for their problems
Victims have a seemingly endless list of excuses as to why they do not get their work done or accomplish their goals. They will often point fingers at someone else or to circumstances that they feel were beyond their control. Victims can be heard to say things such as “It’s not my fault,” “I didn’t have the information (or tools) I needed,” or “No one explained it to me.”
Tips for Dealing with Victims
Listen: Again, listening is going to be the critical skill that gains results. As with aggressors, practice active listening skills.
Provide feedback on your understanding of what the victim says and show empathy for how they feel about the situation: The victim will give you plenty of time to respond. They need for you to respond. They want feedback, especially that they did OK and that you understand why they had difficulties getting their work done or accomplishing the goal. However, you must resist the temptation to support their need for validation in their behaviors and failures. Your feedback should only validate that you understand what they are saying.
Focus on solutions and the future: Clearly communicate what they should do differently next time. Precisely state your expectations for future deliverables and behaviors.
Find ways to help them achieve short-term wins: Tell them what they are doing right. Give them an example of something they did well in the past and encourage them to perpetuate that behavior or action.
Demand solutions for complaints: Do not let them complain without giving solutions. It is more difficult for them to remain the victim if they are part of the solution.
Help them prioritize their problems (or perceived problems): Assist them in putting things in perspective. Be honest. Say things like, “I understand what you are saying, but the fact is I need results from you. What can I do to help you meet our expectations?”
Characteristics of Rescuers
Always willing to help others
Need to be liked and appreciated
Know-it-all behavior
Know how to jump in to save the day
Avoid confrontation
“Yes” people
Take responsibility for others rather than themselves
At first, rescuers may seem like the ideal employee, always willing to help. However, in their need to help others and therefore be appreciated and liked, they tend to over-commit to others and are often not able to deliver on their own work. They soon become a source of frustration to fellow employees and managers. Rescuers are often the know-it-alls. Be aware when dealing with these people that one of the things that drives their rescue behavior is their belief that they know more than everyone else, including the managers. Rescuers may bend or break the rules to achieve rescuing goals because they believe they know what is best for the project, department and/or organization.
Tips for Dealing with Rescuers
Hold them accountable: Rescuers must be held accountable for their behaviors. Coaching and counseling at the very least may be in order to get them to see that they cannot be all things to all people and in fact would better serve the organization if they would focus on doing an exceptional job on their own work.
Assign them more responsibilities: If rescuers do not have enough responsibility to keep them busy, they will revert back to their natural habit of rescuing others in “their spare time.” It may be beneficial to give them additional tasks and responsibilities.
Clearly and concisely describe parameters and deliverables: Explain to the rescuer that he or she has certain tasks that must be taken care of in order to be successful in the organization. If that person perceives that someone he or she works with is in trouble, encourage that person to bring it to the manger’s attention and then let it go.
Be appreciative, sincere and respectful about their contributions: Thank them for their contributions. Tell them you appreciate their dedication to the organization.
Avoid putting the rescuer on the defensive: An indirect approach is usually very effective with the rescuer personality. You might say, “I understand how important this project is to you, so let me explain how you can help the most.”
Help them see that others need to learn on their own: If the rescuer sees that he or she may be having a negative impact on a co-worker by always bailing them out, that person is more likely to see his or her behavior as damaging rather than helpful.
If possible, use them as a trainer or coach to help others: This satisfies the person’s need to rescue and channels the energy in a helpful way.
It is true that difficult people can absorb a great deal of a manager’s time. However, most organizations find great benefit in taking the time to understand them and help them refocus their energies on behaviors that are productive and positive.
Let’s face it; difficult people are not going away, partly because they do not see themselves as being the difficult person. This does not mean that you can let difficult employees’ behaviors have an ongoing detrimental effect on the organization. If you cannot redirect their energies and change those behaviors that negatively impact fellow employees and the operation, you may have to fire them. But firing all difficult people is not practical, nor is it the right thing to do.
Lastly, I would challenge you to look in the mirror and answer the question, “Are you a difficult person?”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-11-29 10:40:322021-11-29 10:40:32How to Deal with Difficult People
Take your leadership skills to the next level by getting comfortable with confrontation. Here are 12 ways to diffuse difficult people.
We all have an inner voice that tells us when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone—a conversation that, if it took place, would improve life at the office for ourselves and for everyone else on our team. But fear drowns that inner voice—and we put the conversation off. Meanwhile the offending individual continues to provide substandard performance, miss deadlines, engage in interpersonal conflicts and exhibit toxic behavior.
The consequence of not having that uncomfortable conversation is costly. A CPP Inc. study of workplace conflict reveals that employees in the U.S. spend roughly 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict. Thirty-three percent of employees report that the conflict led to personal injury and attacks, and 22 percent report that it led to illness and absence from work. Ten percent report that project failure was a direct result of conflict. A similar study by Psychometrics in Canada, showed that 32 percent of employees have to deal with conflict regularly. More alarming is a recent study by Accenture revealing that, even in this challenging economic climate, 35 percent of employees leave their jobs voluntarily because of internal politics.
Handling the difficult conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. The more you get into the habit of facing these issues squarely, the more adept you will become at it. If you’re unsure of how to best approach a crucial conversation, here are some tips to guide you:
1. Be clear about the issue.
To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: “What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?” and “What is the impact that the behavior is having on you, the team or the organization?” You need to reach clarity for yourself so you can articulate the issue in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent during the conversation. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.
2. Know your objective.
What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.” What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don’t end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Schedule a follow up to evaluate progress and definitively reach closure on the issue at hand.
3. Adopt a mindset of inquiry.
Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your mindset will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person’s responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to a leader. Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A good leader remains open and seeks a greater truth in any situation. The outcome of adopting this approach might surprise you.
Most of us were likely raised to believe that emotions need to be left at the door. We now know that this is an old-school approach that is no longer valid in today’s work environments. It is your responsibility as a leader to understand and manage the emotions in the discussion. The late Robert Plutchik, professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as an annoyance, for example, can move to anger and, in extreme cases, escalate to rage. We can avoid this by being mindful of preserving the person’s dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them.
In some cases, you may have to respond to a person’s tears. In the video “How To Handle Tears At Work,” Anne Kreamer, author of It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace, provides several strategies. These include acknowledging the tears rather than ignoring them, offering the person a tissue to provide an opportunity to gather his or her thoughts, and recognizing that the tears communicate a problem to be addressed.
5. Be comfortable with silence.
There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don’t rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you’re likely uncomfortable with silence, as you’re used to thinking while you’re speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other party is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.
6. Preserve the relationship.
A leader who has high emotional intelligence is always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person.
7. Be consistent.
Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. For example, if the person thinks you have one set of rules for this person and a different set for another, you’ll be perceived as showing favoritism. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Employees have long-term memories of how you handled situations in the past. Aim for consistency in your leadership approach. We trust a leader who is consistent because we don’t have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviors.
8. Develop your conflict resolution skills.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of leadership. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots.
In a Harvard Business Reviewarticle, Sarah Green lists nine common mistakes we make when we conduct a difficult conversation. One of these mistakes is how we handle thwarting ploys, such as stonewalling, sarcasm and accusing. The best advice is to simply address the ploy openly and sincerely. As the author says, if the ploy from your counterpart is stubborn unresponsiveness, you can candidly say, “I don’t know how to interpret your silence.” Disarm the ploy by labeling the observed behavior.
10. Choose the right place to have the conversation.
Calling people into your office may not be the best strategy. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., “We’re in this together. Let’s problem solve so that we have a better workplace.” Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. Don’t exclude the coffee shop.
11. Know how to begin.
Some people put off having the conversation because they don’t know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. “John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let’s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat.” Or: “Linda, I want to go over some of the issues with XYZ customer and some concerns that I have. Let’s meet tomorrow morning to problem-solve.”
Being upfront is the authentic and respectful approach. You don’t want to ambush people by surprising them about the nature of the “chat.” Make sure your tone of voice signals discussion and not inquisition, exploration and not punishment.
12. Train other leaders on how to handle the difficult conversation.
Are you having a hard time dealing with your co-workers? In this article Diane Berenbaum shares some practical tips on how we can make our workplace a little more harmonious.
A recent comment from one of my friends caught me off guard, but got me thinking. She said, with a rather accusatory tone, “I bet you actually like the people you work with. Everyone in my company is so difficult!” After chuckling a bit and regaining my composure, I had to admit it: I do like the people in my company—every single one of them. I knew that I was lucky to work in a place where people really care about the work and each other, but this was a great reminder of that incredible fact.
But, isn’t everyone difficult at one time or another? Is it really possible to work in a difficult-free zone? What makes someone difficult anyway?
Ask your associates to describe a difficult person and I’m sure they won’t hesitate to share a few choice examples. I bet they’ll even fall into one of these classifications:
Arrogant types: Profess to know it all and want no help from anyone else, since others are clearly less qualified and worthy.
Whining types: Always see the negative side of things and are constantly complaining about it.
Demanding types: Want things done faster, neater, and more thorough than humanly possible and will issue threats if their demands are not met.
Uncooperative types: Fail to meet commitments and will ignore multiple requests, deadlines, or even threats for their participation.
Inconsistent types: Say one thing, do another and often claim they never committed to doing the first thing in the first place.
Lackadaisical types: Don’t seem to care about anything and don’t take much care with the quality of their work.
Any of these sound familiar? The fact is—anyone who doesn’t behave as we expect can be considered difficult and make our lives difficult in the process.
Reacting to Difficult People
Let’s face it; difficult people have a way of bringing us down. A friend recently described a conversation he had with an arrogant type and exclaimed, “I just want to smack her!” Yes, this is a common reaction (though, fortunately, it is rarely carried out).
Another associate complained about an uncooperative co-worker who rarely followed through on his commitments and almost always missed deadlines. Her response—total frustration (“He drives me crazy!”) and a lack of trust that he will ever come through when she needs him. Chances are she’ll pad the deadlines she gives him or just go elsewhere the next time she needs help.
With whiners, we may want to tell them to stop the insanity and quit their belly-aching. After a while, we just stop listening to anything they say (even when they are whining about a legitimate concern).
We may feel pushed or threatened when dealing with a demanding person—and decide that leaving the department or the company would be better than facing those unreasonable demands every day.
And, we tend to lose respect for, and ultimately even ignore, those who are inconsistent or lackadaisical.
These responses, while perfectly natural and understandable, don’t tend to yield the best results. Often, we miss important information or get so distracted that we lose sight of the task at hand.
In fact, we might become so annoyed and irritable that it affects our own behavior, so much so that we are perceived as difficult by someone else. And, if we are the difficult person in question, well, you know how others are going to be thinking about and treating us.
Make a Change with Six Thoughtful Strategies
While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – in our jobs, friendships, and yes, sometimes even our families – we can do something about it. It takes work, but it is definitely worth the effort.
Here are six ways to approach dealing with difficult people:
Avoid Labeling or Judging People
If you think you are dealing with a difficult person, you are setting up the conversation to be difficult. Subconsciously, you may put people in categories and then expect them to behave that same way every time.
For example, your inner-talk about co-worker Jack may go something like this, “Oh that Jack is such a crab; he’s going to complain about anything I suggest. I hate talking with him.”
These thoughts that occur before the conversation even takes place may actually negatively impact the nature and outcome of the conversation. Resist the temptation to label or judge, even if their behavior is irritating or disturbing.
Step Back Before You Respond
Your natural response to a difficult person may be a quick or critical comeback. Stop yourself! That response may, in fact, come back to haunt you and cause the conversation to go spiraling downward.
Trust that the other person does not mean to be difficult. The more you can separate the behavior from the person, the less likely you’ll be to interpret their behavior as a personal attack. Take time to compose yourself and think of your response, instead of reacting immediately.
Stop Wishing They were Different
How many times have you thought, “If only she would be more responsive, positive, or reliable?”
Stop wasting your precious mental energy on a futile effort as you’ve probably realized by now that wishing doesn’t work. Difficult people are not irritating you on purpose—and the best way to see a change in them is to change your own thinking and behavior.
Use a Learning Mindset Approach
Approach each interaction with an open mind—avoid making decisions or predictions before you start. Really listen to what the other person has to say and remain open to their viewpoint. When people feel your support, they will be more willing to work with you.
Practice using this approach with a friend and see if he or she notices a difference. Or, seek help and feedback from someone you trust. A little candid feedback can get you back on track after a slip into auto-pilot mode.
Acknowledge vs. Argue
Our first reaction may be to argue and defend our case. When someone makes an unrealistic demand, we might blast out with a snappy retort like, “That can’t be done!” or “That’s not realistic,” which can only lead the conversation spiraling downward (see point two above).
Instead, acknowledge their perspective and offer to collaborate on next steps. For example, “I can see that this is urgent and you want the system fixed by tomorrow morning. It is more complex than it may seem. I would like to take a moment to go over it and explore a timeframe that will ensure that it is fixed properly and completely.” This type of response will not only position you as more of a partner, it will also lead to a better conclusion for both parties.
Don’t be a Difficult Person Yourself!
It is easy to identify someone else being difficult. But, how many times do you look in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the one being difficult, especially when you are pushed, cajoled, or just plain tired?
Know thyself and recognize what triggers your own responses. Take responsibility for your actions without turning to your “dark side” so you don’t become the difficult person that others avoid.
By changing your attitude and approach towards difficult people, you’ll gain a wealth of knowledge, build relationships, and feel a whole lot better. You’ll also find that others respond differently to you because they sense your support and willingness to listen.
And maybe someday, when a friend tells you about his difficult co-workers, you too can smile and say that your workplace is not really very difficult at all.
About the Author
Diane Berenbaum is a Senior Vice President of Communico Ltd, a customer
service training and consulting company that delivers measurable results for customer service organizations and call centers.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-10-29 07:46:542021-10-29 07:46:54Six Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People
Research shows that getting along with the people you work with is vitally important — for your company’s overall productivity, and your own personal sense of happiness and fulfillment. But working closely in potentially stressful situations doesn’t always bring out the best in people, so it’s important to know how to address and de-escalate conflicts before they impact your quality of life — or compromise your job.
→ Click here to download leadership lessons from HubSpot founder, Dharmesh Shah [Free Guide].
You can’t control how other people act, but you can control how you respond to their behavior. To help you tackle your next tricky coworker situation with empathy and professionalism, the folks at NetCredit put together this handy list of strategies. Check out the infographic below, and keep these methods in mind whenever a colleague starts to get under your skin.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-10-18 12:19:292021-10-18 12:19:299 Smart Strategies for Working With Difficult People
Many of us spend countless hours at work, and for the majority of full-time workers, more time may be spent at work than in any other context outside of one’s home. Indeed, for many of us, we find ourselves spending more time with our coworkers and colleagues than with our family and friends. That said, dealing with difficult personalities in the workplace can really take a toll on one’s health and well-being, as well as on the entire company or organization.
If you’ve ever dealt with a particularly difficult coworker, you may have found yourself avoiding that person at work, perhaps changing your schedule or taking a different route in and out of your building. You may have even found yourself fantasizing about their departure or considering your own just to get away from him or her. In the following picture, Holloway and Kusy (2009) use humor to illustrate the joy of having a difficult employee leave a company. Although you may be able to find some humor in it, at the end of the day difficult workplace personalities can be very upsetting for all of those who have the misfortune of sharing time, space, and job tasks with them. Therefore, the purpose of this paper is to describe ten difficult workplace personalities which are common to many workplaces and strategies for effectively communicating and interacting with them.
What is Personality?
Before learning more about difficult workplace personalities and how to handle them, it is important to understand personality. Basically stated, personality is the sum of characteristics and traits that define a person’s typical thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in over time (Malik, 2007). For those who have personality traits that are considered outside of the norm and potentially harmful to themselves and/or others, a personality disorder may be present.
According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013b), “personality disorders are associated with ways of thinking and feeling about oneself and others that significantly and adversely affect how an individual functions in many aspects of life” (p.1). Examples of personality disorders include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. Even though these disorders create extreme behaviors in those who have them, even people without personality disorders can display traits from them which appear in the workplace. For example, you may know someone who has extreme and unpredictable emotional mood swings which often appear in people with borderline personality disorder. And some researchers have found that traits of narcissism – such as a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy for others – are higher in Generation Y or Millennials (sometimes referred to as “Generation Me”) than in previous generations which can make for more challenging interactions within office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).
How Can Difficult Personalities Impact the Workplace?
Difficulties workplace personalities can negatively affect the well-being of individual workers as well as entire organizations. Workplace incivility has been shown to effect the majority of workers in the U.S. (96%) according to one study and result in lower productivity and time spent at work among other negative consequences (Porath & Pearson, 2010). Examples of “toxic behaviors” that can damage the workplace environment include belittling comments, gossip, double standards, yelling at others, and taking credit for the work of others (Holloway & Kusy, 2009).
Even in the absence of difficult personalities, personality styles that do not work well together can result in conflict. Indeed, conflicting personality styles is a common cause of workplace conflict and incivility (Gatlin, Wysocki, & Kepner, 2008). Problems can occur over the way that people prefer to accomplish tasks or interact with one another. For example, some workers may prefer not socializing or distractions during certain hours and keep their office door shut while others may see this as unfriendly or even rude behavior.
A common difficult personality type found in many office environments is “the gossip.” This type goes without much explanation, as it is common knowledge that people like this get their title from talking about other people (often behind their backs) and spreading rumors about others (which are oftentimes untrue or exaggerated versions of the truth). If you have ever found yourself in a conversation with the gossip at your office, you probably know what to expect from them. You may have even found yourself the victim of their bad habits, maybe with even realizing it.
Office gossips often behave this way out of their own insecurities or to create drama in order to entertain themselves. Indeed, talking about other people may be a way to deflect attention away from their own bad traits (e.g., poor work performance) or a way to create situations that they find amusing. Gossips may also hold the misguided belief that their gossip is a way to connect with other coworkers with whom they share their gossip.
To communicate effectively with the gossip:
First, realize that it may be difficult to effectively communicate with the gossip or change their behavior before attempting to do so. A good communication strategy is directly telling this person the impact of their behavior on you with a statement like “I felt really upset by the comment you made about me to Jane.” However, be careful with this and mindful that a comment like this may potentially create more material for the gossip to use.
Try staying out of gossipy conversations and avoid sharing details of your personal life with the office gossip.
Attribute their behavior to their own faults and insecurities instead of taking what they may say personally (Orloff, 2014).
Let go of the idea that gossip within the office can be controlled and instead focus on your own behavior and setting a good example for others (Kiplinger, 2011).
#2: The Blamer
Blamers are another common type of difficult personalities found in many workplaces. For sure, there are times when most of us find ourselves pointing the finger at someone else when perhaps we were the cause of a situation or problem. But “blamers” (also referred to as “guilt trippers”) are those who constantly shift responsibility away from themselves and onto others whenever things go wrong in the office. Rarely do they acknowledge or apologize for their own misgivings, mistakes, bad decisions, or poor performance. And oftentimes they stretch the truth in order to convince others that their version of events is accurate and factual even when it’s not.
To communicate effectively with the blamer:
Try redirecting their attention away from blame and toward facts that are verifiable (Murphy, 2014).
Own up to any mistakes that you’ve actually made if they attempt to “guilt trip” you instead of engaging in the blame game with them and pointing the finger right back (Orloff, 2014). This can help stop the pattern that many blamers create of finger pointing back and forth with others and putting them on the defense.
Maintain firm boundaries around the blamer and try not to let them push you to a point that you’re uncomfortable with. Getting a blamer to see his or her own part in work-related problems may prove more difficult but creating your own safety and limits around them can usually be achieved with some careful effort.
#3: The Flyer
This difficult workplace personality is the highly emotional type who may “fly off the handle” at any time. They may also be called the “drama queen” or “drama king” and are very emotionally reactive people (Miller, 2014). Such people may have traits of histrionic personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality type will show a “pattern of excessive emotionality, attention-seeking, need for excitement, [act] flamboyant theatrically in speech and behavior, and use of exaggeration to maintain largely superficial relationships for the purpose of getting emotional needs met” (Miller, 2003, p. 427).
Oftentimes, you may find yourself drawn to this type of person in the office when they’re in a good mood because they can be funny, entertaining, and energetic. However, when types like this feel like they’re needs are not getting met they may “fly off the handle” so to speak and became very angry and dramatic. They may also be unreliable in following through with tasks and bad about making decisions based on emotions instead of facts and data (Miller, 2003).
In order to communicate effectively with the flyer:
Try to use praise for the value they bring to the office before delivering any critiques.
Communicate how their behavior affects you if you are impacted by their mood swings.
Remain calm when they fly off the handle and try to calm them down if at all possible.
Realize that you may be unable to change many of their behaviors but focus you protecting your own interests during the times that you find yourself in the unfortunate position of dealing with their high emotionality.
#4: The Control Freak
This difficult workplace personality is the type who is often nitpicky and critical of others who do not do things their way. Such people may have traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) even if they do not have the disorder itself. They often feel the need to control the outcome of seemingly everything and everyone around them and may even step over appropriate boundaries and attempt to control situations that aren’t relevant to their own job duties. They may also be perfectionists and have impossibly high expectations for themselves and others. However, they may be a valuable asset to your company or organization due to their high attention to detail.
To communicate effectively with the control freak may be a great challenge, especially since he or she may very well be your supervisor or boss. Some strategies you may consider include:
Giving praise for his or her attention to detail and contributions to your workplace.
Providing detail to him or her and avoiding ambiguity that may raise their anxiety levels.
Letting go of control at times when the situation or task does not matter as much to you or will not have an adverse effect on your performance.
Do not take it personally when they’re need for controlling is at its peak.
#5: The Victim
The victim is yet another difficult personality type found in many offices and is an obvious one to spot. This is the person who is often a constant complainer and attempts to draw people’s attention to their problems (or perceived problems) every day. For example, they may complain about their work duties and try to convince everyone that they aren’t treated fairly and have more work than everyone around them. Or they may play the victim when something goes wrong on a team project and claim that they were left out of important conversations. One study identified common personality traits of workplace victims and found that they “tended to be less independent and extroverted, less stable, and more conscientious than non-victims” (Coynea, Seignea & Randall, 2010, p.335).
In order to communicate effectively with the office victim:
Try to exercise patience with them during conversations and recognize that they actually believe that they have been victimized regardless of whether or not there’s any factual evidence to support this.
Try to point out evidence to the contrary when they begin complaining about their bad circumstances. For example, if they claim that they were intentionally left out of conversations it may help to highlight the fact that they were on sick leave when certain conversations happened and that you and other coworkers didn’t want to overwhelm them when they returned.
Try to empathize with them when at all possible while being careful not to support their tendency toward helplessness. This can be tricky. If they complain to you about something that happened to them at work, try a statement such as “I’m sorry that happened to you and upset you so much. Is there anything you can do to change that situation?” This will help validate their feelings while highlighting the fact that they should try taking responsibility for changing the circumstances that upset them.
Maintain your own boundaries during conversations and do not let them suck you into constant complaining about the same topics. A simple statement like “I know this is important to you and I’m sorry I don’t have time to listen more, but I must go back to my desk and get some work done now” may do the trick.
#6: The Quiet Type
The quiet type of personality is a self-explanatory one and often easy to pick out in an office. This type is not necessarily a difficult personality but can be a confusing one. This is the person who is usually aloof in the office, may sit at their desk a lot (instead of conversing at the water cooler or joining everyone for lunch), and may close themselves off to others by hiding behind their cubicle, keeping their office door shut, or wearing headphones.
Some tips for effective communication include:
Not pushing them to communicate or fraternize with everyone in the office.
Giving them more space and time than others to respond to you and communicate their thoughts and feelings.
Acknowledging their place and value to the organization even if they add little to no value to the office environment socially.
Take some time to get to know what makes him or her tick and show an interest in them as a person.
Do not take it personally if they do not interact with you as do your other coworkers.
#7: The Passive-Aggressive Type
Passive-aggressive types can make very difficult coworkers to interact with, as they may not be as easy to spot as others and can do real damage. They behave in phony ways – for example, hiding their true feelings by pretending everything is okay when they’re actually upset – and have a tendency to appear calm, cool, and collected at all times since they keep their negative feelings pushed deep down. However, a classic sign of this type is the fact that they may do things to sabotage the work or performance of others, or get revenge in other stealthy ways (e.g., stealing someone’s lunch).
In order to communicate with this personality type:
Avoid reciprocating passive-aggressive behaviors and confront problems with them out in the open, using tact and good timing for conversations.
Use direct communication to communicate the impact of their negative behaviors on you, your coworkers, and the office environment. For example, “I felt disrespected when you showed up to my presentation late.”
Express interest in their true feelings and create a safe space for them to feel heard and validated.
#8: The Paranoid One
The paranoid coworker is often portrayed on popular TV shows and in films, as this type can be equally entertaining and frustrating to deal with. Such people may have traits of paranoid personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. These include being constantly suspicious of other people and their motives, distrusting other people (even if there is no cause), and interpreting the behaviors of other people in very negative ways (for example, “She did that because she’s out to get me fired!”)
To communicate with the paranoid one in your office:
Exercise caution with what you say to him or her, and recognize that your words may be spun very differently in their head.
Offer fact-based and rational information and explanations to him or her for why certain decisions or developments occurred.
Avoid getting too caught up in changing their perceptions of reality, even if such perceptions seem odd to you and others around you.
#9: The Narcissist
The office narcissist may be one of the most difficult workplace personalities to deal with. Such people can also be described as egomaniacs and are often found within the management levels of many companies and organizations. They may show traits of narcissistic personality disorder or even have the disorder itself. The office narcissist will show a “pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, need for admiration, lack of empathy for others’ feelings or opinions and expecting unearned high praise regardless of their actual effort or accomplishment” (Miller, 2003, p.428). These types will often evaluate their own work performance more favorably than it is in reality (Judge, LePine, & Rich, 2006). They may be arrogant, annoying to deal with, and disliked by many people. Conversely, they may be very charismatic and actually liked by many coworkers (Orloff, 2014). However, this type of personality can be toxic to the workplace and will attempt to control situations and gain support for their inflated self view regardless of how it may damage those around them or their relationships.
To communicate with the office narcissist:
Consider using flattery or stroking their ego a bit if it helps get the job done (Orloff, 2014).
Communicate how demands of them may actually benefit them (Orloff, 2014). Narcissists are very self-focused and care about their needs and desires, often at the exclusion of others.
Offer a positive about their performance before delivering any criticisms.
Praise them openly (e.g., on a chain email) if it is deserved in order to continue getting results that you need from them. Narcissists respond to praise and social approval in office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).
Maintain realistic expectations of how they will likely respond during conversations and situations. Do not expect something different from them just because their behavior rubs you (and everyone else) the wrong way.
#10: The Psychopath
The psychopath falls under the abnormal psychology branch and a regular encounter with someone who suffers from this is rare, nonetheless, it does happen and the psychopath can be a very harmful type of person particularly in the workplace. Such people may have traits of antisocial personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality disorder is defined by “a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others” (APA, 2013a, p.645). People who are psychopathic (sometimes referred to as sociopathic) have a tendency toward intentional harm toward others including lots of deceit and manipulation. They may take the credit for work done by others at their company, purposefully deceive others in order to “win” even if their actions are very damaging, unethical, or even illegal, or act in other reckless and predatory ways like stealing from the company or the company’s clients. The good news is that true psychopaths are a rare breed, composing only 3.3% of adults within the general population (APA, 2013a).
If you work with a psychopathic person, do not expect them to feel remorse for their actions, as people like this often take pleasure in their negative impact on others. Because of this, effective communication with a coworker like this may be nearly impossible. Depending on your company or organization culture, if the psychopath is revealed for his or her true nature, they may be fired or self-destruct in which case the need to communicate with them may be unnecessary.
In the rare case that you do find yourself having to work with a person like this your best recourse is to be clear about your own boundaries and attempt to communicate them to this person. For example, if this person tries to draw you into unethical behavior try a statement like “You can do that but please don’t involve me – that crosses the line for me.” It is highly unlikely that you will change their behaviors in any way but using clear, direct, and firm communication may save you from getting caught up in their deceitful ways. It may also be useful to avoid giving them any information that they can use to do harm to other coworker or the organization’s clients.
Conclusion
Ultimately, all of us find ourselves working with difficult people and personalities at some point during our career lives. By understanding what personality is and the common ones that cause difficulty within workplaces, you may be able to better navigate your work relationships and protect your own interests and well-being.
General Tips for Effective Communication with Difficult Workplace Personalities
Effective communication skills with difficult personalities should be used to make interactions go more smoothly. Never try to use these to change a coworker’s personality, as it will be wasted energy.
Try being flexible with your style of communication depending on the personalities that you deal with in your office (Hautala, 2006). Some adjustment on your part is a factor you can control and may help you connect better with a coworker that has a different personality and communication style than your own.
Consider the positive aspects of your coworkers personality (if you can identify any) and point these out during conversations in order to help communicate more effectively with them, especially when delivering criticisms.
Use direct yet tactful communication to help confront problems head on in your office and advocate for your personal rights and needs. Oftentimes, even the most difficult of personalities can surprise you if you give them the chance to understand how they’re behavior impacts you and other coworkers.
Never assume anything or jump to conclusions about a situation until you’ve had a chance to communicate directly with a difficult personality in your office or verify information. Just because a person is difficult to deal with it does not mean that your assumptions are a particular situation are 100% accurate every time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-10-07 12:00:092021-10-07 12:00:0910 Difficult Workplace Personalities and How to Deal with Them
When a small business has an employee who is difficult to work with, it can drain productivity and create a hostile work environment. Business owners and managers need to demonstrate leadership and deal with difficult employees directly, discussing the behavioral and performance issues and creating a clear plan moving forward to address the issues. Managers should monitor the progress of difficult employees and if the performance doesn’t improve with feedback and resources, you may need to fire the problem employee for the sake of your business’s performance and the morale of other workers.
Read these topics for actionable tips on how to deal with difficult employees:
Addressing issues with a difficult employee can be stressful and awkward. Follow these ten tips for managing difficult employees to make the process easier and increase your chances of improving the situation:
Critique Behavior, Not People
It’s important that you don’t make the conversation overly personal or emotional. The end goal is to reach a solution to the problem, not to spark a confrontation. To do that, it’s important to focus specifically on inappropriate or undesirable behavior the employee has demonstrated rather than attack them personally. There may not be negative intentions behind their negative behavior. It might stem from confusion, fear or personal problems that you aren’t aware of.
Listen to Feedback
You should have a two-way conversation with the challenging employee. Listen to their feedback so you can understand where the problem lies and acknowledge any workplace issues that might be contributing to the negative behavior. Sometimes, just feeling listened to is enough for the employee to feel better and improve their behavior.
Give Clear Direction
Giving tough feedback can be a difficult task for managers, but it’s important that you give clear and specific examples of the negative behavior and explain why it’s inappropriate and how it has to change. Focusing on specific examples can help lower the employee’s defensiveness and offer useful information that can help them improve their workplace performance.
Document Problematic Behavior
Whenever you witness poor performance or troubling behavior, write it down in detail so you have a record of what happened and be sure to include the date. Proper documentation not only helps you remember and refer to specific events, it also protects your company in the event that the employee is let go and decides to sue the business for wrongful termination.
Consult the HR Department
Schedule meetings with the human resources team to discuss the situation. They can give advice on how to deal with the poor behavior, help you understand the documentation you need and provide a course of action for addressing the issue with the employee. HR will understand all the company policies and processes for handling difficult employees and terminating their employment, if necessary.
Work Together Toward a Solution
The ideal result when you discuss a difficult employee’s behavior with them is that the two of you work together to develop a solution you both agree on. Discuss the negative behavior, what the appropriate behavior looks like and then find out what the employee needs from you to improve. Agree upon a solution to the issue.
Write Down Expectations
Detail your expectations for what needs to improve and set a timeline for improvement. Write down a clear plan of action with a specific timeline and evaluation framework for measuring success. Sign the plan and have the employee sign it as well. You should both keep a copy of the document so the employee can use it to enact the plan and you can evaluate performance moving forward.
Set Specific Consequences
It’s possible that your plan for improvement with a difficult employee will fail if you don’t set clear consequences if the behavior doesn’t change within the agreed upon timeframe. Consequences can include a formal written warning, not being eligible for promotions or bonuses and in more severe situations, termination of their employment. Employees likely won’t change their behavior unless continuing it will affect them negatively.
Monitor Progress
Give your employee the time needed to correct their behavior. During that time, monitor their progress and make note of any issues or relapses. Check in as frequently as needed to get a better sense of how they’re progressing with the agreed-upon plan and intervene if they get off track. After the timeline from your plan has passed, schedule a full in-person evaluation to discuss how the situation has progressed.
Recognize a Hopeless Situation
While the goal is to improve the employee’s behavior so that your team can be more happy and productive together, realistically there will be times when that isn’t possible. If your previous interventions haven’t had the desired effect and the staff member is unwilling to change their behavior, you need to follow your company’s termination procedure and cut your losses.
How to Handle a Disruptive Employee
To handle a disruptive employee, it’s important that managers speak directly to the person about the specific behavior that’s unacceptable. Explain how their actions need to change and what the consequences will be if they don’t alter their behavior. If you can’t immediately fix the problem or terminate the employment contract, consider separating the disruptive employee from the rest of the team, to keep interruptions to a minimum. Disruptive behavior can spread, according to the Harvard Business Review. Removing a toxic employee from the rest of the team can help contain the behavior and keep it from catching on with other workers.
Here are some tips for separating a disruptive employee from the team:
Re-arrange desks in the office
Schedule fewer team meetings
Encourage more work from home days
Reassign projects to remove the disruptive worker from teams
How to Deal with an Insubordinate Employee
Insubordinate employees can disrupt the workplace and kill productivity, so managers need to learn to deal with them effectively. Here are some tips for dealing with an insubordinate employee:
Don’t take the behavior personally, to help avoid becoming angry and frustrated
Stay professional and don’t lose your temper with the employee
Document the details of the situation
Try to get to the root cause of the behavior and address it directly
Don’t let the behavior stop you or your team from doing your work
Consult with the HR team to get advice on how best to handle the problem
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-09-17 14:17:022021-09-17 14:17:02How to Deal with Difficult Employees: 10 Tips to Improve Workplace Performance
How do you resolve a conflict or a disagreement between two of your team members?
Today, people have shorter fuses due to the underlying worry and anxiety that comes along with the COVID-19 situation. If people on your team are losing it too easily, it is probably because of that underlying anxiety.
When two employees are arguing with each other, they are not able to rationalize or deal with the situation logically. Use these three tips when resolving conflict on the shop floor:
When your employees are getting angry and emotional on the shop floor, you cannot talk them through it. Your first job is to take control of the situation and remove them so that they can calm down. That will include separating them, or potentially sending them home to cool off – but don’t send them home at the same time. Make sure that you get them off at different times so that they don’t end up continuing their argument outside of the workplace.
Tip #2: Meet with those involved.
Once you have taken control of the situation and removed the situation from the workplace, you can meet with those involved and ask them some questions about what happened. When you ask questions, you need to ask mostly open-ended questions, like “How did this get started?” or “What caused this to flare up?” You need to take this time to find out from each party what happened so that you can see where their stories are different and where they are the same.
Tip #3: Seek solutions and commitments.
Get those involved in the conflict back together, to talk about the areas that they actually agree on and the areas in which they disagree. Mostly, what you are trying to do here is seek solutions and commitments.
You can propose some solutions or ask them what will help to solve the problem, but ultimately you want them to commit to not having those kinds of outbursts again on the shop floor.
When you get better at resolving conflict between two team members on the shop floor, you might decide that you want to work on some of your other leadership attributes. That’s where we come in.
We look forward to helping you strengthen your leadership skills, and make you more effective in the eyes of your team and your company.
Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle
Most of us have that one boss we couldn’t stand to deal with. The problem is, many of us don’t have a choice when it comes to who we work with or work under. Unless you’re willing to jump ship and take on another job or career, you’ll likely be stuck working with that person for a long time.
Luckily, there are some strategies you can take to keep your workplace a positive place. In this article, we will share 10 tips on how to deal with a difficult boss.
If you’re just starting your job or have moved positions within the company, then it’s best to wait a few weeks before you classify your boss as being difficult. You may have just caught them on a bad day, near deadlines or when he has personal problems he’s dealing with.
Our bosses are human, too. Their mood can fluctuate depending on what’s going on in their professional and personal lives. If you’re too quick to jump the gun, you may have classified your boss as being bad before you’ve even given him a chance.
2 Try Using Your Strengths to Win Them Over
If you can’t leave the job, you might as well spend time trying to get your boss to like you. As long as they aren’t the type to hate everyone, chances are you can win them over. Demonstrate your best qualities and show them that you can shine in your current job position.
Try making the chain of command a bit easier on them by ensuring that everything is going smoothly on your end. By doing so, not only will you impress your boss, but you also won’t be blamed for any problems. Plus, if you continue doing a good job, you may also be up for promotions.
3 Use Patience and Act Professional
One of the most significant methods for dealing with a difficult boss is to learn how to be patient. Remember, you are in a workplace and you must keep your temper under control. You’ve got nothing to gain if you step out of line and could potentially lose your position.
If you’ve worked hard to get where you are now, there’s no point in throwing it all away for one minute of rage. Instead, focus on staying professional when you’re in the workplace. If there is any negativity, do your best to brush it off and focus on how you can solve that problem.
4 If All Else Fails, Request a Transfer
Don’t quit your job or get fired just because you and your boss don’t get along. If they are unreasonable and you’ve tried every other method to get things to work out, then you may need to try requesting a transfer. This ensures that you won’t lose out on a job, but you may be required to stay at your current job until the transfer is approved.
5 Keep a Record of Interactions and Conversations
There are two reasons you should keep a record of interactions with your boss.
The first is because you can use it to help improve your relationship with them. If you understand what ticks them off or see a pattern, you may be able to avoid specific tasks or behaviors that trigger them.
Secondly, you may also need them to report to HR. If your boss is being unreasonable and creating a negative workplace, you may be able to report them. You may not want to get your boss fired, but if they have superiors, it can improve your work environment if they are given a strike or warning.
6 Try and Understand Their Point of View
Learning to take a look from someone else’s position objectively can help you learn a lot about them. If you were in your boss’s situation, are there any things that may be causing them to act a certain way? If so, learning to empathize and understand their point of view can show how you can help and what to avoid.
Realize that your boss is doing their best to manage the people under them. If you’re in a large company, that could easily be more than a dozen people. When there’s an issue in the workplace, it can fall on the boss and lead the company to blame him instead of his underlings. Just as you are, your boss is also under a lot of pressure to do well and succeed.
7 Learning to Be One Step Ahead
It’s good to be one step ahead with deadlines and schedules to help prevent any backlash. Being fully prepared can not only impress your boss but can also help prevent them from finding fault in you or your work.
Always create reminders, events, and document schedules so that you can complete everything on time. The fewer times you miss anything important, the lower the chances of your boss getting upset with you individually.
8 Learn to Take Criticism
Whether it’s constructive criticism or just regular criticism, it’s best to get used to knowing how to handle it. If you lose your cool and end up saying something out of anger or rage, you’ll be labeled by your boss as being someone negative and can’t handle themselves.
Even if your boss is egging you on, always stay calm. It’s better to show that you’re a team player rather than someone who causes feuds in the workplace. However, if that “boss slandering employees” image that you see doesn’t help you, then you may need to seek guidance from your HR department.
9 Attempt to Work Around Them
If anything, you can attempt to work around them and try to complete your job as successful as possible. However, this approach doesn’t always work because if your boss is someone you directly report to.
By finding ways to work around and ease their workload, you may be helping them out in the long run. Support your boss in either place they struggle in or where there may be too much work for one person. Being able to help make their job easier by working around them may directly impact how they treat coworkers.
10 Tell Them
If you’ve tried every other method, then it may just be the time to be upfront and honest with them. Some bosses may not even know that they are coming off as being difficult. Being able to discuss their attitude professionally and how they treat people in the workplace may shift their day to day interactions with coworkers. We know it may be hard to learn how to have a difficult conversation with your boss.
However, this method only works if your boss is willing to change or is unaware that they are causing issues in the workplace. If they are simply rude and negative for no reason or due to personal matters, they may not change until things get better on their side. Although being honest is always the best route when you have tried all other methods.
Dealing with a narcissistic boss may be tiring and may make you hate your job. However, you shouldn’t let that discourage you from trying to make the workplace a better and more positive place to be. While we don’t guarantee that our tips work, they can help you make better decisions for improving boss and employee relationships.
Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-08-18 11:21:232021-08-18 11:21:2310 Helpful Tips On How to Deal With A Difficult Boss
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work. Dealing with difficult people is either easy or challenging for you depending on the type of difficult person and the situation you face.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you, gossiping about you, or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively—above the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and decide that nothing good will come from confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his or her desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, consider several more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself.
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions, for example?
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (All people do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.
Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you and your colleague agree that taking action will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion.
Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.
Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your manager.
What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Manager
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work, and your progress on projects. Tell your manager exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good manager is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his or her manager into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the manager that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than they had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your manager. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is a viable option in some circumstances.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.
The Bottom Line
If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-08-12 07:39:592021-08-12 07:39:59How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
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2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
ABOUT VANESSA VAN EDWARDS
Vanessa Van Edwards is a national best selling author & founder at Science of People. Her groundbreaking book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People has been translated into more than 16 languages. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma. She regularly leads innovative corporate workshops and helps thousands of individual professionals in her online program People School. Vanessa works with entrepreneurs, growing businesses, and trillion dollar companies; and has been featured on CNN, BBC, CBS, Fast Company, Inc., Entrepreneur Magazine, USA Today, the Today Show and many more.
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-07-21 08:02:572021-07-21 08:02:574 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.
E + R = 0
Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…
Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?
The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.
Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.
Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.
Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace
For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.
1. The Anxious
These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.
These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.
3. The Negative-Minded
These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.
These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.
5. The Hostile
These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.
6. The Blamer
These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.
Dealing with them:
To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.
7. The Staller
These people are bound to make a commitment.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.
8. The Perfectionist
These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.
9. The Overly Agreeable
These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.
10. The Gossip
These people talk about other people behind their backs
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.
Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work
Here is the most interesting thing…
Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.
When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.
For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.
Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.
2. Listen to Others
Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.
When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.
To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.
So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.
3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:
Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion
Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.
4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.
If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.
When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.
Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.
So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
5. Not to Take Anything Personally
In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.
Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.
Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.
When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.
To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.
7. Use Appropriate Humor
Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.
Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.
Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting
The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.
8. Introspect and Take Responsibility
Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.
When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.
Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.
If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?
Why I ‘m feeling this way? Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person? You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.
9. Build a Rapport
Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.
When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.
Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.
So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.
10. Keep Your Power
Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief
When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.
When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.
So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.
11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger
Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.
When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.
So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.
12. Speak with the Person Directly
Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.
When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.
If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.
The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.
I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.
When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.
Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.
This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.
14. Don’t Gossip
Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.
They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.
They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.
If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.
So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.
15. Pick Your Battles Carefully
Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.
No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battleswisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.
Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.
The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.
Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.
16. Understand Other Person’s Perception
Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.
For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.
This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.
This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.
The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.
Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.
18. Treat the Person with Respect
Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.
Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.
Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.
When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.
You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.
So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?
Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.
19. Be Professional
Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.
Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.
Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.
Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.
20. Keep a Healthy Distance
When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.
Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
21. Don’t act Defensively
When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.
Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.
There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.
So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.
22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate
Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.
If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.
Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”
Conclusion
Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them
Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.
If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.
Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.
I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-07-07 11:54:332021-07-07 11:54:3322 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
What constitutes bad behavior in the workplace? Let’s look at an example.
Ian’s an engineer in the aerospace industry. He’s exceptionally knowledgeable, and puts in long hours working on his projects. But his manner with his colleagues is curt, to say the least. For several years this hasn’t overly upset other members of his team – an easy-going bunch who’ve just accepted his lack of people skills. They’ve generally shrugged off Ian’s comments, saying things like “Ah, that’s just Ian, don’t mind him.”
However, in the past year, a couple of team members have moved on. One of their replacements has now been off sick with stress for six weeks, and he’s citing Ian’s frequent unpleasant comments as the cause. As a result, the team is behind on an important project.
A year ago, Ian was making a valuable contribution to the team, but now he’s the cause of various problems. Yet, he’s not actually doing anything different. So was he – and is he – behaving badly?
Clearly, any definition of “bad” behavior depends on the context. We can’t just say “cursing can never be tolerated” or “moaning about the boss at the water cooler is always fine”. Instead, we need a reliable method of assessing whether a particular behavior is or is not acceptable, which we can apply to any situation. Using a test like this will help all of those involved to understand why a particular behavior is unacceptable, and this in turn should play an important role in encouraging everyone to stamp it out.
Please note that this article is about behavior that is legal, but questionable, and which is not covered by existing organizational policies or by established professional ethics. By contrast, illegal behavior, such as discrimination, is clearly never acceptable. If faced with such a situation, you may want to read the Mind Tools article on Whistleblowing
How Can “Bad Behavior” Be Defined?
J Richard Hackman, in his book “Leading Teams,” observes that effective teams:
Deliver outputs that are at the very least acceptable to the client (internal or external).
Work together in such a way that they remain a cohesive group in the long term.
Are made up of individuals who benefit from being part of the team.
Our definition of “bad behavior” comes not from what an individual person does or doesn’t do, but from the overall impact that their behavior has on the team’s mission and on its effectiveness. Almost all work is done by teams, so anything that harms their output is by definition unacceptable.
Applying the definitions above, we can conclude that behavior at work is “bad” if it does any one or more of the following things:
Harms the team’s ability to deliver to its client.
Damages the cohesion of the team.
Has an unnecessary adverse impact on one or more individuals within the team.
Applying these criteria to our initial example, we can say that Ian’s behavior has become unacceptable because it’s harming the team’s ability to deliver, by causing one member to be off sick long term and thus reducing capacity. It’s also obviously having an unnecessary adverse impact on that individual.
A less contentious issue might involve a computer programmer who listens to music with earbuds
while working. Most of her day is spent concentrating exclusively on the code she’s writing, so this doesn’t directly harm the team’s ability to deliver, and it’s not having an adverse impact on anyone else.
But it does arguably damage the coherence of the team. By wearing her headphones, the programmer is isolating herself from those around her. She doesn’t hear work-related discussions that her colleagues are having, and she doesn’t get involved in any of the office banter that goes on even in conscientious, hard-working groups. As a result, her colleagues aren’t enthusiastic about helping her out when she has a problem which needs their input. So, in fact, her music habit could legitimately be labeled “bad behavior”, albeit very mild. (However, this has to be balanced against a possible loss of productivity if she struggles to concentrate…)
On the other hand, having clear tests helps you identify what’s not bad behavior. Taking a possibly controversial example, perhaps one of your team members comes in one morning with extensive body piercing, or highly visible tattoos. If this doesn’t upset the team’s client, doesn’t affect the team’s delivery, and doesn’t excessively upset other team members (tolerance of others being a necessary quality within a team), then is this really a problem?
The Impact of Bad Behavior
At a personal level, you can suffer negative effects from someone else’s bad behavior, even if you’re not the direct target.
At an organizational level, bad behavior can have a tangible impact on profitability. Missed objectives and declining productivity mean diminished profitability. You may find that you face increased sick days, as team members try to escape the bad behavior, or are sucked into it. Another possible consequence may be higher staff turnover, with all of the cost and time involved in hiring and training new people.
For a discussion on some of the more extreme forms of bad behavior and their consequences, see the Mind Tools article on Bullying in the Workplace.
The Danger of Denial
People often try to rationalize bad behavior, rather than confront it. They pretend that it isn’t happening, convince themselves that it’s not important, or believe that it will sort itself out. This is dangerous. Someone who’s deliberately behaving badly can be emboldened by such a lack of resistance, and become even more obnoxious. And, by giving rapid feedback to someone who’s not aware that they’re behaving badly, you can ‘nip problems in the bud’ before they become severe and habitual.
Using the guidelines above helps to remove doubt about the issue. While different teams may well have different standards and expectations about behavior, within a given context you can judge whether behavior is bad or not, and act appropriately.
Dealing With It
While denial is not a solution, emotional outbursts in public, on the other hand, are rarely helpful. When you need to address bad behavior, find somewhere away from other members of the team where you can ask the perceived offender to discuss the incident or issue with you.
Be ready to:
Make a brief, factual summary of what happened.
Explain what you feel to be the negative impact.
Describe how the incident made you, or one of your team members, feel (frustrated or disappointed, for example).
State how you would like to see that behavior modified, and agree some targets if appropriate.
Make sure you stay calm and objective, and be ready to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember that bad behavior can be a reaction to deeper, underlying problems, and allowing these to surface can solve all sorts of issues. Have a look at the Mind Tools article on Dealing with Difficult People for further ideas on how to handle such a situation.
Team Leader Options
Team leaders may attempt to address mild instances of bad behavior, or poor interpersonal skills, by working with the team member concerned, with a view to achieving realistic soft skill targets. This helps you to continue working with the team member, and to continue to take advantage of the specific skills and positive traits that brought this person into the team in the first place.
Where such training is not practical, or is rejected, team leaders can try to manage round the problem, either by putting the person in a form of “quarantine”, so that they effectively work in isolation, or by using strong managerial control. However, neither possibility leaves much room for maximizing the benefit of team working.
Managers and Other Role Models
Be alert to the fact that there’s always a risk that people start to see certain types of bad behavior as being career-enhancing, taking badly behaved individuals as role models. This can happen when managers themselves exhibit bad behavior, or when they are seen to promote someone who does.
If managers “practice what they preach” and take a visible stance against bad behavior, this will already go a long way to minimizing such problems within an organization.
Different Is Not Necessarily Bad
Finally, bear in mind that perceptions of what constitutes acceptable behavior may need to evolve as the composition of a team changes and develops. Perhaps a team member has started asking questions in meetings which have been traditionally used by the team leader to rubber stamp decisions. It would be a mistake to consider this “bad” behavior if, for example, “team cohesion” has actually just become an alias for groupthink. Having a colleague challenge “groupthink” in this way can benefit everyone by stimulating the creativity and effectiveness of the team.
Key Points
It’s important to recognize when bad behavior is taking place. Left unchecked, it can have a negative impact on both people and profitability. The three rules we’ve outlined will help you to quickly and effectively assess behavior, in terms of its impact on team deliverables, cohesion and individual members.
If it’s judged to be unacceptable, the first move should be to have a private discussion with the person who’s behaved badly. Talk about what’s happened, the impact it’s having, and how to improve things. And, while it’s vital to ensure any bad behavior is both detected and resolved, it’s also key to set a good example yourself, especially if you’re a manager.
Apply This to Your Life
The next time something strikes you as constituting bad behavior, you’ll need to assess whether it’s just different from what you would do, or whether it really is detrimental. Apply the three tests before doing anything else. For example, you might find listening to the radio in your office very distracting, but you need to recognize that it may well help your colleagues in the warehouse get through their day, as they do routine stock-picking or packing.
A warning: as a manager, you also need to be alert to behavior that on the face of it seems acceptable, but which, on inspection, is breaking one of the three rules. Having keen soccer fans in the department, with friendly rivalry between supporters of different clubs, might seem good for bonding and team interaction. However, if it turns out that team cohesion is being damaged by the presence of conflicting “soccer clans”, then they’re behaving badly and the problem needs to be addressed.
This site teaches you the skills you need for a happy and successful career; and this is just one of many tools and resources that you’ll find here at Mind Tools. Subscribe to our free newsletter, or join the Mind Tools Club and really supercharge your career!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-06-23 09:14:572021-06-23 09:14:57Bad Behavior at Work Using Clear Criteria to Identify and Deal With Offenders
Dealing with difficult behaviour can be challenging for both the recipient and the person displaying the behaviour.
When at work, we may come across challenging behaviour from a number of sources – our colleagues, our manager, our customers or suppliers. Consequently, how you manage the difficult behaviour, may be slightly different dependent upon the context of the situation. For example, if you are dealing with a customer’s difficult behaviour, you may find our tips on handling complaints helpful.
Simply by following these ten guiding principles will help you overcome many of these daily challenges:
1. Appreciate and adjust
Ask yourself why this person may be behaving this way and is this typical or out of character. If you do wish to respond to the behaviour, adjust your frame of mind to one that is positive and focused on helping them and you move forward.
2. Build rapport and empathy
Show some empathy and understanding appropriate to their behaviour and ‘state’ of mind. For example, if someone is angry, you can calm him or her down by simply lowering your voice. However, responding back in anger is only going to inflame the situation!
3. Change the environment
Try physically moving away from the current environment, moving chairs, or giving the person space and time. As a result, the situation will tend to calm down and the negative, or difficult behaviour, you are experiencing will subside.
4. Defuse the emotion first
It is advisable to defuse the emotion before addressing the root cause of the behaviour. For example, if the person is angry or upset, they are unlikely to respond as rationally and calmly as you need them to, to get to the root of the reason for their behaviour.
5. Explore the root cause of behaviour
Ask them open questions such as:
“What has led you to feeling this way?”
“What are your real concerns about this situation?”
Then actively listen, summarise and reflect back their comments to check out your understanding of what they are telling you. As well as calming the situation, this will also help them recognise that you are listening to them and taking them seriously.
6. Focus on the future outcome wanted
Focusing on a positive outcome will address their root concerns and ultimately change their challenging behaviour to be more amenable and positive. In addition, check along the way that you have a clear understanding of the outcome they are seeking.
If you are not clear, ask them:
“What would help us move forward”, Or, alternatively…
“What would make the situation better”
Adopting this strategy will help them consider and convey what they want or need. As well as this, it will help the person move on from focusing purely on the past or the negative aspects of a situation.
7. Develop an agreed solution
The agreed solution will be one that both you and the person view as a win/win outcome. Alternatively, you may reach a compromised solution that satisfies the main elements or issues in a constructive way.
8. Highlight agreement and next steps
Reaffirm your commitment to addressing the person’s concerns or needs. In addition, provide assurance that you have effectively addressed the issue in full. Thank the person for bringing the matter to your attention.
9. Inform others where appropriate
Inform others of the situation or issue to ensure no future misunderstanding occurs, or problems re-surface. Obviously, where difficult behaviour has occurred due to personal issues, it may not be appropriate to inform or share information with others. If you commit to retaining confidentiality, your credibility in dealing with the difficult behaviour and relationships in general will be at risk, as well as the original trust in the relationship.
10. Judge your success and learning
Ask yourself what you have learnt from this situation, what you did well and what you might do differently next time. Every experience in dealing with difficult behaviour will be slightly different, so your ability to adapt to the person and the context of the situation will be vital. There is always something new to learn.
Finally, before implementing any of the above strategies for dealing with difficult behaviour at work, we first need to ‘take a step back’ and think for a moment. In particular, review your own perception and thought processes around the behaviour. Ask yourself “why do we find this behaviour difficult?”
Being clear of your purpose or reason for changing the behaviour is important, as it keeps you focused at all times.
About the Author
Kim Larkins, MCIPD is Company Founder of KSL Training. Kim has 30 years training and HR management experience in the Retail, Hospitality and Pharmaceutical industry.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-05-27 11:37:072021-05-27 11:37:07Dealing with Difficult Behaviour
Humans are social creatures who seek personal validation based on how others interact with them. We feel good and important when others share our belief system and dejected when there’s a conflict of opinions.
It’s then natural to want to work with people who are just like us, our clones.
So, every once in a while when we come across people who do not value our inputs, crush our ideas, ignore what we have to say, act as a know-it-all, seem to find pleasure in criticism, satisfaction in creating chaos and look for the negative side of things, it upsets us.
These so-called difficult people push our buttons by acting in undesirable ways. Their behaviour gives us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them. After all, they are at fault.
Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher once said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”
While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers.
Is there a better way of working with difficult people? Can we shift from acting as a critic who passes judgement or a victim who is being defensive to a responsible adult who can work with different types of people?
Before jumping to strategies, let us learn how we think, act and behave around difficult people. Without understanding our own mindset, any strategy we try to put to practice will be superficial. It will not address our underlying emotions, the most critical aspect to deal with while working with people we find difficult and challenging.
To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. “Where we stand depends on where we sit”
How do we deal with difficult people?
We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. How we relate to someone else is driven by our own personality, expectations, background and experience.
Some people instantly click and connect to us and it is difficult to comprehend or rationalise why we trust them. Then there are others we dislike the moment we shake their hands with our inner voice whispering in our ears “I am not going to like this person”.
Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. That doesn’t mean there aren’t people who are largely unpopular, but they are very rare.
Once our mind takes us down the emotional path, we take a one-sided view of the problem. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T – Tagging, R – Righteousness, I – Intention, C – Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways:
T- Tagging leading to classification
Isn’t it easy to notice flaws in others while ignoring our own shortcomings?
We are quick to label others – he’s needy, manipulative, fake, cheat, pretentious, condescending, cynic, liar, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative.
We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves— we know what we are “really like” inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others
Without making an attempt to understand the other person, what’s important to them, what’s their belief system and what could be driving this behaviour, we place people into buckets.
Tagging people happens in the part of our brain that runs on auto-pilot without our conscious awareness. It’s what helps our brain to apply shortcuts while dealing with others.
Classifying people into easy (safe) or difficult (threat) gives permission to our brain to act in certain ways.
R – Righteousness calling for rejection
The moment we find someone difficult, our body tightens up. We not only lose flexibility in our body, but in our response too.
We start believing in the righteousness of how we feel, what we want and why the other person deserves to be treated in a certain way. Once we reject them as a person, we start rejecting their ideas too. We take a stand and stick to it.
Who died maintaining his right of way – He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong. You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong
The fixed view enables us to rationalise why the person is acting this way.
I – Intention driven by assumptions
Once we know we are right and the other person is indeed difficult, it’s easy to assume that they are acting out of bad intent.
“Never attribute to bad intentions that which is adequately explained by ignorance, incompetence, negligence, misunderstanding, laziness or other probable causes”
Without applying Hanlon’s razor as a mental model to understand their behaviour and look for alternate perspectives, we assume bad intention as the source of the problem.
We choose to live with our assumptions, without showing an intent to understand the other person and their action.
Difficult becomes synonymous with bad in our minds which further strengthens our belief system.
C – Confirmation of our beliefs
Once we label someone as “difficult”, every interaction then serves as a validation of our beliefs. Confirmation bias prevails as we stick with our perception in all our discussions.
It leads us to reject the evidence that contradicts our beliefs and look for information that strengthens our point of view.
Whatever the person does or says is then viewed through a skewed lens that reinforces their difficult behaviour even though the interaction may be entirely normal.
We stick with our first impression instead of making an attempt to view every situation differently.
K – Keenness to fix others
We do not look at ourselves to determine what about us could be causing the other person to act in a particular way. Without changing our own behaviour, we expect others to act in a certain way.
The assumption that the other person is at fault leads to a desire to fix them.
They might be at fault, but we cannot fix someone else. The best we can do is to take charge of things which are under our control.
Many factors in interdependent situations are not in your Circle of Concern—problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively
Remember that our mind plays these tricks to help us make sense of the world and the people in it. Labelling someone difficult and sticking to it is letting your brain run on auto-pilot, while taking control requires conscious effort and deliberate thinking.
What happens when we interact with difficult people?
Amygdala is an older part of our brain in the limbic system which is responsible for processing emotions and it is not very good at separating real danger from a perceived one.
When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger.
We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety.
It can also drain us of our energy making us feel exhausted and can lead to overthinking which causes us to get stuck and drift away from important work in turn hitting our productivity.
4 strategies to handle difficult people
We may not realise that we have supreme power over our own thinking and action, which contributes to how others around us behave. As Dr. Mike Bechtle advocates in People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys – “It means that we work on our side of the relationship, no matter what happens on the other side. We don’t change them; we change ourselves”
It may seem “right” to want others to change, but it’s extremely difficult. So, control what you can and stop thinking about what you can’t by following these 4 practices to deal with difficult people:
1. Separate the person from the behaviour
Labelling a person as difficult or bad doesn’t help. When you find someone difficult, you may think that you do not like the person, but it’s actually their behaviour that you dislike.
Separating the person from their behaviour will allow you to identify your own limits and determine what aspect of a person’s behaviour troubles you.
Following this as a practice every time you encounter a difficult person can help you to draw patterns – is it the perfectionist that bothers you or someone who’s too aggressive and loud, what about the extremely logical kinds who ignore emotional cues or people who stick to norms and fear disruption or maybe it’s the cultural misfits.
Once you understand this, you can be kind to the person while still devising strategies to deal with their behaviour.
It also enables a healthy dialogue by helping you shift in the language you use. There’s a huge difference in saying
“I find you obnoxious”
vs
“The idea that you suggested does not consider…”
First statement is about the person which can instantly make them defensive, while the second one is about their idea which invites the other person to have a healthy debate.
2. Widen your perspective
When you are having a tough time trying to understand why the other person is behaving in a manner that displeases you, take a moment to step back. Instead of passing judgement, explore answers.
Widen your perspective by asking these questions:
Why do I feel this way?
What does the other person feel in this situation?
How are my biases coming into play?
Could I be skipping some facts?
How do I contribute to this behaviour?
What if my feelings are wrong?
What does this situation and person teach me about myself?
Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind
Turning the difficult moment into a learning experience can help you make changes in the way you respond, ask questions and act around difficult people. Some of these small changes can be big enablers for reinforcing positive behaviour.
It may even present an opportunity to the difficult person to shift their perspective by noticing how others around them behave and act.
3. Don’t react, act
When you are upset, the natural tendency is to react without thinking straight. While not intentional, your reaction may give more power to the difficult person by acknowledging that they bother you. It causes fixation on a different problem than the one you intended to solve together.
A well thought out action, on the other hand, may diffuse the situation by shifting the focus from their difficult behaviour to the desire to find a solution together.
When dealing with difficult co-workers, show a collaborative mindset by
Discussing the outcomes that you both desire
Establishing boundaries on acceptable behaviour
Actively listening to the other person
Moving the focus from drama to finding solutions together
Action, not reaction drives results.
4. Take the hard road
Despite all your efforts to keep the drama in check, things may eventually not work out. Some people are indeed very difficult to manage.
Instead of being disappointed and reverting back to your default mode, involve the right people for guidance and seeking ideas.
Some other strategies that may also work and are worth trying:
Give candid feedback to the difficult person yourself or have their manager deliver the message
Involve a third party who can act as a mediator by adopting a more neutral tone
Humans are complex, irrational beings and we are not magicians to turn everyone into our clones.
But, we can add a little magic to our life by controlling our own behaviour around difficult people.
How do you manage difficult people at work and in life? Write to me or share your comments below.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-03-24 07:34:422021-03-24 07:34:42How To Deal With Difficult People
Almost everyone has to work with a challenging coworker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and coworkers you enjoy. In this article, we share how to deal with a difficult coworker.
The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker
Knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.
Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult coworker:
1. Learn to voice your thoughts
If your coworker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:
“I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”
“I would like you to treat our team with respect.” vs. “You only care about yourself.”
“I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”
Sometimes getting to know your challenging coworker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of voice. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.
3. Focus on your positive relationships
Rather than dwelling on this coworker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other coworkers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite coworkers to do something fun outside of work.
4. Talk to your supervisor
When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this coworker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.
5. Accept their personality
You may find that this coworker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life, as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.
6. Stay neutral at work
If other coworkers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.
Limiting the amount of time you spend with this coworker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by coworkers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle in order to be mindful of their feelings.
8. Be the better person
Even if this person acts unprofessionally, it’s important that you have the skills to be the better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.
9. Know your trigger points
Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.
10. Focus on the positive
Though it may be easy to focus on this coworker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other coworkers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.
11. Reflect on your own actions
While thinking about this coworker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.
Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your coworker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-02-25 09:56:262021-02-25 09:56:2612 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Coworker
During these challenging times people may be behaving differently or more erratically. Panic, uncertainty and frustration can impact on the way a person interacts with another. Which means it is likely we will be dealing with difficult customers. We can manage our customer interactions more effectively by putting ourselves in our customers shoes and using techniques to diminish or avoid conflict.
‘The crisis of yesterday is the joke of tomorrow.’ – HG Wells
Types of human response
What I have observed during the pandemic, especially in my gallery café, is how customers tend to fall into four different categories of human response:
The Doomsday Prepper – these are the people who went into self isolation before they needed to. They have resources and they are not prepared to take any personal risks or risks on behalf of their family. They could be immunocompromised.
The Bullet Proof Contender – these are the people who do not like to be told what to do and will break the rules if they can get away with it. They believe the virus is not an issue – ‘it won’t happen to me, I know what to do’.
The Rule Follower – I will do what you tell me for the greater good. I need rules to follow or I will feel out of control.
The Casual Observer – If it gets really bad I will do something, but if it does come near me it does not matter.
By recognising the type of personality you are dealing with you can be better prepared to understand their perspective and adjust your language in order to develop a constructive conversation.
Furthermore, by anticipating conflict you can manage it more effectively.
3 ways to avoid conflict
There are three ways to avoid conflict spiralling out of control.
Identify early. Look for verbal and non-verbal clues. For example: tone of voice, pace of entry, signs of agitation.
Cut it off before it starts. If you have identified a potential incident take the discussion away from others in order to try and diffuse the situation from escalating.
Be prepared. Have systems and processes, policies and procedures, and training to help diminish the opportunity for an issue to escalate.
10 ways to deal with difficult customers
If you have to deal with a difficult customer there are ten strategies to help you resolve the issue.
1. Practice active listening
Active listening involves the listener observing the speaker’s behaviour and body language. Having the ability to interpret a person’s body language lets the listener develop a more accurate understanding of the speaker’s message. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speaker’s words.
This means not talking over the customer or arguing with them. Let the customer have their say, even if you know what they are going to say next, that they don’t have all the information or that they are mistaken. As you listen, take the opportunity to build rapport with the customer.
2. Show empathy
Assume they have the right to be annoyed and you will engage with the situation in a more empathetic manner. Put yourself in the customer’s shoes. Echo the source of their frustration and show you understand their position and situation. If you can empathise with a customer’s problem, it will help calm them down. If you nod (in person) or verbally ‘nod’ (during a call), the customer will feel better understood.
3. Use your voice
If the customer gets louder, speak slowly, in a low tone. Your calm demeanour can carry over to them and help them to settle down. As you approach the situation with a calm, clear mind, unaffected by the customer’s tone or volume, their anger will generally dissipate.
4. Pretend the world is watching (or your Grandma is in the room!)
Pretend you are not talking only to the customer but to an audience that is watching the interaction. This shift in perspective can provide an emotional buffer if the customer is being verbally abusive and will allow you to think more clearly when responding. Since an unruly customer can be a negative referral, assume they’ll repeat the conversation to other potential customers. This mindset can help you do your best to address their concerns in a calming way.
5. Know when to give in
If it is apparent that satisfying a rude customer is going to take two hours and a bottle of aspirin, and still result in negative referrals, it may be better to take the high road and draw a compromise in their favor. This will give you more time to nurture other, more productive customer relationships. Keep in mind that the interaction is atypical of customers and you’re dealing with an exception.
6. Stay calm
If the customer is swearing or being verbally abusive, take a deep breath and continue as if you didn’t hear them. Responding in kind will not solve anything, and it will usually escalate the situation. Instead, remind the customer that you are there to help them and are their best immediate chance of resolving the situation. This simple statement often helps defuse the situation.
7. Don’t take it personally
Always speak to the issue at hand and do not get personal, even if the customer does. Remember the customer might not know you and is just venting frustration and you are on the receiving end. Gently guide the conversation back to the issue and how you intend to resolve it.
8. Close the deal
Everyone has an occasional bad day. Maybe your rude customer had a fight with their spouse, got a speeding ticket that morning or had a recent run of bad luck. We’ve all been there, to some degree. Try to empathize and make their day better by being a pleasant voice of reason – it will ll make you feel good too.
9. Follow through
At the end of the interaction let the customer know exactly what to expect, and then be sure to follow through on your promises. Document the interaction to ensure you’re well prepared for the next interaction. If you promised an update, call the customer at the scheduled time. The customer will be reassured that you are not trying to dodge them and will appreciate the follow-up.
10. Reflect
Like our customers we too are human and will not get it right every time! That’s ok. Learn from it and expect it might happen again.
We know these are challenging times and many people are not coping. By thinking about the issue from their perspective, being empathetic and understanding we can help them and ourselves through this difficult historical episode.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Dealing-with-difficult-customers-during-COVID-19.jpg11521920Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-02-18 08:45:502021-02-18 08:45:50Dealing with difficult customers during COVID
Editor’s note: Although some of these ideas may seem obvious, you are bound to find a helpful tip.
In order to maintain a high level of productivity, a positive work environment is absolutely essential. Although many aspects of the workplace are completely under your control, there will be occasions when you are essentially helpless, and the only control you have is how you REACT to a specific situation.
It is these occasions that typify what has been called “drama,” and by that, I mean the bad kind of drama. While other types of drama–for example, the high school variety — can be fun in a guilty pleasure kind of way, nobody likes drama at work. It only causes problems and can eventually lead to you or someone else getting terminated. The following are 16 potential drama-causing work situations, and what you can do to effectively extinguish them.
1. A co-worker has the annoying habit of [blank] and you can’t stand it anymore.
Drama potential: Obsessively clicking pens. Playing music too loudly. Chewing gum like a cow munching on grass. They may seem like small habits, but they become unnerving when you have to put up with it all for eight hours or more on a daily basis. If you keep it all in, you may just lose it.
How to avoid: Before asking your co-worker to stop a certain behavior, make sure that you aren’t guilty of something as annoying yourself. This is a good time to practice gratitude for the things you do like about your co-worker. This can be hard, but it’s a really powerful exercise. Just thinking of something small that you do like can help you be a little more compassionate toward them. Sometimes our co-workers are having a bad day and they fall back into annoying habits. You will probably be in a similar position someday soon and we want people to be compassionate with you. Also, see what you can do block out the habit that annoys you. Invest in headphones, and try to focus on something else. If you really can’t put up with, then politely ask your co-worker to refrain. Tell them that you get easily distracted. Above all, be nice about it.
2. You suspect someone in the office is working against you.
Drama potential: Your paranoia gets the better of you. You’re put in defensive mode, and you begin actively working against the purported offender.
How to avoid: While there will always be the hyper-competitive co-worker, most people are not out to get you. Recognize that, and half the problem is gone. Dealing with the obnoxiously competitive worker can be accomplished by simply doing your assigned work the best you can. The only one who you are really competing against is yourself, and others will notice when you step up your work goals and accomplishments without stepping over others.
3. A co-worker tries to engage you in a heated religious or political conversation.
Drama potential: Politics and religion are almost always a big no-no in the workplace. Controversial conversations can quickly turn into animosity. Someone may feel offended and can rightfully complain to management.
How to avoid: Just don’t talk about religion or politics. If someone asks for your opinion, try to steer the conversation elsewhere, or laugh it off and say something neutral.
4. A co-worker or superior makes an inappropriate physical advance.
Drama potential: Similar to the broken office romance–but with potentially more nasty consequences–the unwanted pass can spawn gossip, discomfort, or even personal danger.
How to avoid: This situation needs to be dealt with early and quickly. Do not ignore sexual advances and assume that they will go away. First, tell the perpetrator–in private–that you aren’t interested, that you feel uncomfortable, and that you want his or her behavior to stop. Make sure he or she knows that you will file an official complaint if the behavior continues. This will almost always do the trick. If it’s your boss who’s doing it, consult with HR.
5. A co-worker incites you to participate in nasty office gossip.
Drama potential: Participating in gossip may be tempting, but it’s almost always ill-advised. The problem with gossip is its potential to hurt others’ feelings and lose others’ trust. When you participate in gossip, you run the risk of alienating the people with whom you work.
How to avoid: Stay away from notorious gossips. When someone tries to share office gossip with you, try changing the conversation, or simply tell them that you don’t like talking about others because you don’t like it when people talk about you. I also suggest you keep a gratitude journal. It will help put things in perspective when your anger is boiling over.
6. Someone is stealing your food from the refrigerator.
Drama Potential: The stealing becomes habitual. You decide to let it slide. You go hungry and resentment builds. Confrontation ensues.
How to avoid: Put your food in some sort of container, and make sure to label it with your name. If it keeps happening, ask, in a non-accusatory manner, if anyone has seen your food items. This usually does the trick. If all else fails, you can always purchase a small personal fridge and keep it under your desk.
7. It’s the company Christmas party, and you want to enjoy yourself.
Drama potential: You have too much to drink, and you make a fool of yourself. You offend others, spill secrets, or act inappropriately or aggressively. You think letting loose during social events can’t hurt? Think again. An acquaintance of mine actually got fired after an embarrassing Christmas party incident. Don’t let that be you.
How to avoid: If you can’t hold your alcohol, simply don’t drink, or drink very slowly.
8. You need a break and want to surf the Internet.
Drama Potential: You begin using your personal e-mail, social networking sites, and other entertainment sites. Before you know it, you’re surfing as you would be surfing at home, sending profanity-filled messages, and watching inappropriate videos.
How to Avoid: Most employers understand the need to take a break, and it’s probably okay that your computer screen isn’t always reflecting your work assignments. Still, keep personal Internet surfing to a minimum. You can also try writing in your journal. It helps calm you, so you are making good choices instead of letting your emotions push you around. You don’t want to write emails that you wouldn’t read to the whole office. And whatever you do, keep it clean. Rule of thumb: If your grade school teacher would object, then it‘s not okay.
9. A supervisor entrusts you with a secret, and you gab to just one “trusted” friend.
Drama Potential: You tell one person, and you ask them not to tell anyone else. Of course, the person you told will do the same–tell one or two people, thinking the buck will stop there. Well, it never stops, and that’s how gossip gets so out-of-control in the first place. As with widespread gossip, telling one little secret has the potential to hurt others, perpetrate lies, and to make matters worse, you’ll lose your credibility.
How to avoid: If someone tells you something in private, assume it’s meant to be kept between you two. It may just be that a supervisor is letting you in to see how well he or she can trust you. Don’t blow it.
10. You get romantically involved with someone else at work.
Drama potential: The happy couple breaks up, leaving the office environment tense. People feel forced to take sides, perhaps even harassment charges are filed.
How to avoid: Try your best not to get involved with someone at the office. If it does happen, then be professional about it. Hold off on the PDA until after 5. If your relationship dissolves, do not talk about it openly with others. Try to be civil during office hours. If you absolutely feel that you can‘t, ask a supervisor if you can be transferred to a different area of the office, where you won’t be confronted with the ex. While it can be difficult to deny an obvious attraction or connection with a co-worker, most office relationships are simply not worth the drama that they can cause.
11. Your boss overloads you with tasks that aren’t in your work description.
Drama potential: At first it starts out with little things, like “Do you mind doing [insert boss’s task here]?” Eventually, you become your boss’s slave.
How to avoid: Of course, most employees have a strong desire to please their superiors. But bosses aren’t perfect, and there’s nothing worse than having to take on two jobs but getting paid for only one. Sometimes, you just have to learn to say no. Meet with the boss to review your work description. If it becomes an ongoing problem, go to HR. You also need to take breaks. You can go for a walk around the office or go visit a friend.
12. You’re asked to work on a collaborative project with co-workers with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye.
Drama potential: Group projects can be trying because in order for a group to work effectively, there needs to be a good mix of leadership, people willing to take direction, and so on. Most of the time, groups aren’t formed on such a basis, so there will always be group members butting heads. Sometimes group disagreement can escalate to extreme levels.
How to avoid: If you know from beforehand that you cannot work with a certain co-worker, see if you can apportion certain tasks to each person, then meet only to put the separate parts of the project together.
13. A very significant event occurred in your personal life.
Drama potential: You just got married. Of course, we want to share significant events with all of those who are close to us, and that includes people at work. But think before you speak–a small conversation communicating your excitement can easily turn in to an annoying fixation such that no one ever wants to hear you talk ever again.
How to avoid: Don’t become the annoyingly solipsistic loudmouth at work. Keep talk of your personal life to a minimum.
14. You’ve had an argument with a co-worker, and you know you’re right.
Drama potential: Even though you may be right all of the time, when there are unresolved issues among co-workers, everyone suffers. Refusing to apologize after an argument only keeps the cycle of workplace tension going.
How to avoid: Even if you are right, simply apologize. It is just as important to keep your boss happy as it is to be able to work well with your co-workers. Pride does not belong at work. I also suggest thinking about how silly the situation is. We get so caught up in our ego that we forget that we all struggle. We need to be able to laugh at the situation and not take it too seriously.
15. A colleague or supervisor is doing something wrong, and you want to complain to the company chief.
Drama potential: When something in the workplace is awry, sometimes your first instinct is to take your complaint to the top of the chain of command. Corporate hierarchy is the name of the game with most companies, so if you skip too many levels, you may end up aggravating many who work above you.
How to avoid: Make complaints only to your direct supervisor, and address your complaint as a “concern,” especially if the wrongdoing doesn’t directly involve you. If it is your supervisor who’s at fault, then talk only to his direct supervisor.
16. Work is tough, and you have a desire to vent.
Drama potential: What starts out as innocent venting about the trials of work can turn into full-blown complaining. A constant whiner will not only get a bad reputation at work, but he will also foster a very negative work environment. This slows productivity. And people will eventually have only you to complain about.
How to deal with it: While there’s always a need to vent about your boss, or about your work assignments, don’t take it too far. It’s important to share with our c0-workers, but we can’t let the anger overtake our thoughts and emotions. You need to practice being aware of these emotions by understanding and working with your inner dialogue. The more you practice the easier it gets to be constructive with your dialogue instead of just unloading on your co-worker.
This guest post is contributed by Katheryn Rivas, who writes on the topics of online universities accredited . She welcomes your comments at her email Id: katherynrivas87 (AT) gmail (DOT) com.
If you struggle with difficult office situations then it’s important that you work on your mindset at work. The more you can be aware and see your patterns that cause you to struggle with stress and relationships at work, the easier it gets to improve your career and enjoy your work. I suggest you start with a 30 Day Gratitude Challenge. It will help you understand your mindset and begin to rewire how you handle situations at work. The cool part is you get a community to help support you on your journey.
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Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.
When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.
Part of the curriculum at the Chopra’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:
What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)
These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?
The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.
1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:
Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.
2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using
Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:
Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.
When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a positive new direction.
3. Don’t Take it Personally
When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.
In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate difficult conversations and potential conflict.
4. Practice Defenselessness
This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in a difficult situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary of their negativity.
Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.
5. Walk Away if Necessary
Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to set boundaries and consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the difficult situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.
6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity
As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.
Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”
7. Resonate Compassion
Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person is coping with their own issues; has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.
Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.
Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”
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Written by: Chi Whitley
Junior Content Marketing Specialist at Siege Media who graduated from Rhodes College in 2016 with a B.A. in English with a specialization in writing.
When Chi isn’t writing blogs or creating content, you can find him outside hiking or playing disc golf with friends in Austin, TX.
Working full-time or even having a part-time job can be difficult and exhausting. What can make it more unbearable is having a difficult boss, manager, or coworker to deal with.
Maybe they’re too negative or aren’t clear with their directions. Or, they run on emotions rather than thinking things through and having measured responses. Regardless of their shortcomings, it is most likely making your workday more difficult, which can induce stress and exhaustion.
One way to better communicate with a difficult employee is for you to implement self-advocacy.
Self-advocacy is the skill of speaking up for yourself and communicating your worth to others. This skill is especially important to implement when someone is demanding too much of your time or is having an emotional moment that could have been better handled. Below you will find ways to self-advocate in both your personal and professional life when communicating with a difficult person.
How to Personally Self-Advocate
Present Your Ideas
Standing up for yourself and speaking your mind can be difficult in environments where you don’t feel acknowledged or heard. However, no matter your background, you have valuable options and insight. When you find yourself in a situation at work or outside of it, present your ideas confidently and be ready to discuss them. For example, if you are trying to delegate pieces of a project and your manager doesn’t feel comfortable due to them being a perfectionist or not trusting their employees, then clearly explain each person’s role to both them and the manager at the same time, which helps ensure that nothing is lost in translation. End your email or in-person meeting with questions you can address.
Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Asking for help is a difficult self-advocacy skill to achieve but it can dramatically change the way you live and work. On days when you feel overwhelmed know that it is okay to ask for help. Asking for help can be handing off a project or portion of a project to a co-worker. It can also be advocating for yourself to your boss or supervisor by saying that you have too much on your plate to get what was requested of you in the required timeframe. Thus, you should ask what is a priority and what can be offloaded or pushed until a later date.
Say No, and Learn How to Do it Correctly
Saying no can be hard at home and can feel impossible at work. Especially if you’re in a new role or looking to be promoted soon. However, learning to say no is necessary at times. The first step towards mastering the art of saying no is to know yourself and know your limits. When one of those limits is in jeopardy and you feel overwhelmed or won’t be able to produce satisfactory work, then find an alternative solution.
Here are several ways to say no:
“I have X, Y, Z on my plate. I can get to your request now or afterward. What is the priority of these projects?”
“I appreciate you asking me to help. However, I am unfamiliar with this project or software. Perhaps we can find someone else who is more adept at it.”
“Unfortunately, I cannot get to this right now. Let’s work together to find a solution.”
If you want to practice your self-advocacy skills for any area of your life, use this worksheet below and answer these prep questions to help identify your goals and communicate your needs.
Lastly, know that self-advocacy is hard to achieve. To better master the skill use the worksheet below from JobHeroto help you self-advocate for yourself in different scenarios. You can find more tips on how to self-advocate in negotiations or job interviewshere.
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On a mission to share about how communication in the workplace and personal relationships plays a large role in your happiness Read full profile
Doesn’t it seem like we deal with difficult people in almost all phases of our lives?
I’ve often had to deal with difficult people at work throughout my career. Sometimes it’s been my supervisor, other times it’s been my fellow associates and even other times, it’s people in other departments.
Then there are our families. I know it’s not just my family that can be extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve heard enough stories from friends to know that a lot of people’s families drive them to the brink from time to time.
And don’t even get me started on dealing with the multitudes of people we have to deal with at companies we interact with. Be it the cell phone company or the person that was supposed to fix my roof last year. I had to follow up every week for almost 4 months before they finally came and fixed something that should have been done in the first place.
Why was that so difficult?
There’s probably not an easy answer for why some people are difficult to deal with. The reasons are as varied as the people are. We are all different and sometimes, it’s shocking that we get along as well as we do.
Instead of analyzing why some people can be so difficult, let’s focus on what we can control — our reactions. Let’s look at 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people.
1. Use Lots of Kindness
Look, I get it. When dealing with difficult people, the gut reaction is to be difficult right back. When it feels like someone is attacking you, your first thought is to defend yourself. I’ve been there and still get caught up in that when I don’t slow down and take a pause.
What I have found in almost every difficult situation is kindness goes a lot further than being difficult. When two people are being difficult with each other, the situation tends to escalate to a point where nothing will get accomplished.
On the other hand, when you use lots of kindness with a difficult person many times, it diffuses the situation and you get more of what you want. This is one of the top techniques for dealing with difficult people.
2. Be Compassionate
Ever heard that saying about dealing with your own problems? That if you and a bunch of people shoved all your problems into a circle that you’d most likely take your own back once you saw everyone else’s? I love that.
The point is none of us really know what other people are going through. When dealing with a difficult person, it could be they are going through a very tough ordeal, or dealing with a really big problem you wouldn’t want any part of.
Many times when you show compassion to a person who is being difficult, you’ll find they respond in a positive manner. So many of us get stuck in our own heads and in our own lives that we don’t open our eyes to when others could use some kindness. Give it a try the next time you think about it.
3. Find Something in Common
Ever noticed how when you’re talking to someone for the first time, finding something in common creates a strong initial connection? We all love to feel like part of a group, like we belong. This is a great expert technique to deal with difficult people and one you should keep top of mind.
It’s always nice to find out we went to the same university as someone, it creates a kind of kinship. My daughters are both teenagers now but I used to feel a parental bond with someone when I found out my daughters went to the same school as their kids.
When we can find something in common with a difficult person, it can help make for a smoother conversation afterwards.
4. Stay Calm
Have you ever received an email from someone at work that immediately had you seeing red? This has happened to me on more occasions than I care to remember.
Working with a difficult person on a project can be infuriating. At my less rational moments, I’ve received an email from a difficult person whose only purpose seems to be making things harder and more confusing. When I haven’t paused before responding what usually happens is, I fire off an email that will only serve to make things worse.
Typically, if I can find the patience to stay calm and wait a while before responding, the results are much better. The ability to stay calm when dealing with a difficult person will help you greatly.
5. Share Your Side
Sometimes, being able to articulate to a difficult person where you are coming from will make a big difference.
For instance, if you’ve been running into brick wall after brick wall and the difficult person is your last avenue for resolution, sometimes that makes a difference.
Some people get caught in a standard script of how to deal in certain situations or when someone asks a certain question. If you can provide some context around your specific situation, sometimes that makes a huge difference.
You could let them know you’ve trying to solve your problem for months and you’ve tried X,Y, and Z but can’t get anywhere. Sometimes this is all it takes to open the empathy gates to some extent and get some help. Give it a shot.
6. Treat with Respect
I don’t know a single person who likes to be treated like they are stupid or incompetent. When dealing with a difficult person, always remember to treat them with respect. Once you start attacking someone and acting like they are stupid you might as well be slamming the door shut to get anything done.
Treating someone disrespectfully will almost always make things worse and at a bare minimum make the other person not want to do anything to assist you. It’s the same as remembering the golden rule “treat others as you would like to be treated”. Our mothers are almost always right.
7. Ignore Them
I’m a huge proponent of not interacting with negative people in my life. Why should I? All they seem to do is provide negative input and I don’t need any of that.
By the same token, sometimes the best course of action with a difficult person is to ignore or avoid them. This of course will depend if you can ignore them.
For instance if this is a fellow co-worker that you don’t have to work with much, it may be best to simply ignore them if you can.
Same thing with neighbors or certain people at stores or even potentially customers. Sometimes difficult customers are simply not worth dealing with. Their needs could be better served elsewhere and it’s not always a bad idea to let them know they could probably find someone else who could assist them in the way they are wanting.
8. Control What You Can
Many things in life we can control and many things we can’t. It’s always best to focus on what we can control.
When dealing with a difficult person, think about what you are able to control. Maybe there’s someone else you can deal with instead of the difficult person. They may be simply the first step in the chain.
Recently, I was attempting to work with the marketing department on a new initiative I was putting together. I was told to contact a certain person for help because that’s what had always been done. When I contacted the person, I never got a response. I sent multiple emails and left several voicemails and never heard back from this person. After getting extremely frustrated from never hearing back, I simply started asking other people in marketing.
Lo and behold, I found several people that were willing to help me with my project and with a smile. I basically worked my way around the difficult person. Control what you can.
9. Look at Yourself
Another one of the 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people is to take a look at yourself. As in turn your focus inward. Is there something that you are doing that is making dealing with someone harder than it needs to be?
For instance in general, I am in a pretty good mood. I interact with people all day just about everyday and overall, it goes fairly smoothly.
Sometimes, I’ve got a lot of my mind and am trying to solve a problem of some sort inside my head, even when talking to other people. It has been pointed out to me that I can come across as short, abrupt, and condescending when I am spending a lot of time inside my own head and also interacting with others.
So in this instance, my short condescending responses can make an already agitated person even more upset. Basically the way I respond is adding fuel to the fire.
Take a look at how you are interacting with difficult people to ensure you aren’t making it worse.
10. Overcome Your Fear of Conflict
One of the best techniques for dealing with difficult people is overcoming your fear of conflict. Many people are afraid of conflicts and this can lead to having difficult people walk all over them.
Dealing with a difficult person is challenging enough but if you don’t stand up for yourself and establish boundaries, it’s even worse. Just about everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly by a difficult person.
I’m not advocating intentionally starting conflict. What I am advocating is not fearing conflict in the event a difficult person is treating you poorly. Too many people allow others to have control over them by not standing up for themselves when needed.
Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. In many instances, it’s good because it can allow a resolution to come to fruition: How to Turn Any Conflicts into Opportunities
The Bottom Line
Difficult people are all around us in every aspect of our lives. I’ve certainly worked with many difficult people over the years as well as in everyday interactions with people in a wide variety of settings. I’m hopeful these 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people will help you the next time the situation arises.
Communication with other people is such a huge key to living our lives. It’s well worth learning some techniques to deal with difficult people to help us all live happier lives.
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It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering how to handle your difficult boss.
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.
So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers lie in a couple of different areas. Some are related to the environment or sources of stress that they are facing and the impact that these are having on them, and some are related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours to get what they need.
Often, we cannot change the sources of stress for our boss, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing its ugly head?
Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.
The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.
Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.
To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through, but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some becoming more demanding because they want to feel more in control. Some become a know-it-all as they need to feel important and listened to. While some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance, or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using a particular behaviour, and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are some additional strategies.
5 Quick Tips That Are Helpful In Handling A Difficult Boss:
1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed.
2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects, or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’ how we are feeling or what we are working on.
3. Successful Administrative Professionals provide only the facts and if possible, offer solutions.
4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions.
5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours.
Conclusion
Working with a difficult or negative boss can lead to burnout and take us away from a job or project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for your boss, along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors, can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.
Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP
For over twenty years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with people and organizations who want to
control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges, and live healthy, successful lives.
Check out Beverly’s past presentations with AAP. Connect with Beverly if you are looking to have her share her mental health and resiliency expertise and experience with your team by visiting https://worksmartlivesmart.com or emailing her at info@worksmartlivesmart.com
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Managing challenging behaviour in the workplace involves patience and great communication skills. Challenging behaviour in the workplace can occur for many reasons. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and unique ways of communicating and working with others. Organisations can set standards for acceptable behaviour and will have policies and procedures in place to handle behaviour should it become a problem. However, project managers often have to deal with day to day personality clashes and more minor examples of challenging behaviour.
So, how can you do something constructive about employees who behave in less than ideal ways in the workplace? We often start by putting up with it, or making allowances for it as tackling it head on is tricky. But this can result in a problem for everyone, as other people – customers, colleagues, suppliers and employees become frustrated and drained from dealing with complaints and negative talk. When there is someone in the office being difficult, unhelpful, moaning and generally not doing their job properly, it can result in bringing everyone down.
Basic communications tactics for challenging behaviour
Here are some basic communications tactics to use when you’re confronted with challenging situations in your workplace:
Keep calm
Express yourself in a direct and clear way. Don’t use threatening language of behaviour. Create a safe space for there to be open communication without judgement. Consider yourself in the position of the employee. This will help to reduce the chances of the conversation escalating and also provide an opportunity for the employee to open up about why they are behaving in a challenging way. By knowing the cause, it is possible to seek a solution.
Be specific
Providing details will help to keep the conversation on track. Vague details could easily inflame the situation. You must be very clear when describing the situation, using real examples. Simply discuss what you saw or what you have been told. But don’t state any assumptions. By making assumptions you allow the employee to respond defensively, and this will quickly curtail productive discussion.
Explain how the situation has impacted others
Put the situation in perspective by clearly outlining the impact the behaviour is having on those around them. Often people don’t consider how others are affected by their behaviour. So, addressing this head on can sometimes help people see the consequences of their ways.
Ask how they feel
Always give the employee an opportunity to think and talk about how the situation makes them feel. Aim for direct answers and get clarification if they aren’t making sense. By getting them to talk about it, they have the opportunity to communicate their point of view. Understanding this will help you learn how to work with them.
Acknowledge responsibility and work together
Accepting responsibility is very often a difficult thing to do. By taking the first steps and acknowledging your part to play, you take away the blame and establish a safe space. In this secure environment, your employee is more likely to take on their own responsibility for the situation. Once this has happened you can begin to work together to improve the situation.
Training
Engage in Learning provide Managing Conflict Pathway courses which will help you develop an effective and professional manner to handle conflict well and use it as a catalyst for growth and innovation. The Challenging Behaviour Effectively course will teach you how to identify difficult behaviour and develop a strategy to intervene.
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Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed
BY SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD
Updated September 02, 2019
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself.
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.
Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion.
Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.
Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.
What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.
The Bottom Line
If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
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But admit it—sometimes those people can be real pains.
In every group, there seems to be at least one person who saps morale, slows productivity and stirs up anger in other team members because of his or her bad attitude, refusal to play by the rules or just plain disturbing behavior. And you know you can’t let these situations fester.
To give you some practical tips on what to do, we asked HR professionals to share their stories about difficult employees and what they learned from dealing with problem people over the years. Here’s what your peers had to say.
Learn Their Strengths
I heard talk around the office about a particular employee’s habit of avoiding work. While her colleagues carried a heavy workload, she spent a lot of time engaging in personal matters during work hours. She found clever ways of deflecting her responsibilities and having those around her address them. For example, if a customer called, instead of taking care of his or her concern immediately, she asked the person to call back when she knew others would be around to follow up.
After taking time to get to know her better, I learned that she was actually quite miserable in her current role. I helped her to establish career goals and develop a plan for achieving them. Her behavior toward others improved after she transitioned into a different position. The employee ultimately became a go-to person in her department.
Lessons learned: When you focus on finding the right fit between an employee’s strengths and the job she is asked to perform, success is almost guaranteed to follow. Coach employees to develop a plan that will help them reach their goals. Finally, provide abundant feedback and celebrate their achievements. This will create a win-win situation for both the employees and the organization.
—Jennifer Diaz, SHRM-CP, director of HR, World Evolve Inc., Miami
Identify the Problem
What defines a “difficult” employee? Is it a person who is a little unorthodox in his approach to work but stays inside the lines enough to avoid disciplinary issues? Or the worker whose manager never helped set her up for success or who put her in a no-win situation? Is it the person who is facing tremendous personal challenges and just doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to handle problems at work as well?
We can all identify specific behaviors that cause us to label employees. But to me, the more important questions are: What is the root cause of people’s actions? Why would individuals choose to act out in the place where they make their livelihood? I don’t believe that employees wake up in the morning thinking about how to screw up at work. But most of us have probably been in a situation where we daydreamed about telling our boss off or walking out the door and never coming back.
We can’t “fix” employees the way we can a leaky faucet. They are the people we decided to hire or retain at our organizations, and we are responsible for identifying what may be causing them to act in a manner that we’ve decided makes them “difficult.”
I’m not saying that you should tolerate employees who are insubordinate, violent or threatening—those are grounds for immediate dismissal. But such cases are few and far between.
Lessons learned: I’ve learned to listen and try not to make assumptions. It’s not easy. I’m only human. I’ve also figured out how much I am willing to tolerate. Sometimes the “difficult” employee isn’t the problem; it’s the organization’s culture. Other times, the employee is just a pain, and you need to help him be happy—somewhere else.
At a previous company, I had an employee in her first professional position after graduate school who had a bad attitude. She complained frequently about putting in long hours, and no one liked working with her.
When she came to talk to me about feeling overwhelmed in her job, I listened and recommended some resources, including the employee assistance program, to help her cope with the demands of her role. I also told her that if she felt the position wasn’t right for her, it was OK to seek opportunities elsewhere and perhaps return after she gained more experience. She seemed relieved.
Then we got to the real issue behind her long work hours. In the course of our conversation, it became clear that work was all she had going on in her life. She was new to the area and hadn’t yet made any social connections. We talked about how she could become a part of the community. She reconnected with her sorority via the local alumnae chapter and took on a leadership position. Things really changed for her.
She ended up leaving our company on good terms, and she said that having activities outside of work gave her confidence to move forward in her career. We’re still in touch even though we both have moved on to other organizations.
Lessons learned: Engaging with the employee helped me get to the real issue fast. The old adage of not putting all of your eggs in one basket is good for everyone to remember. We need to balance our work life with outside interests that engage us in different ways.
—Vickie L. Robinson, SHRM-CP, national director of HR, Armed Services YMCA of the USA, Springfield, Va.
Communicate
Be Transparent
After I was promoted to a newly created recruiting position, one director was apparently nervous about how I would affect others’ jobs. This individual became combative and even went to the vice president, who was my new manager, alleging that I was taking credit for others’ efforts, failing to visit recruiting locations frequently enough and not spending enough time with the team.
I responded by presenting facts. I provided evidence that tracked my recruiting efforts and success rates as well as how I had praised hiring managers and HR professionals involved in each hire. I showed this director my calendar, which clearly spelled out where I was going and what was being discussed at each location. I also shared examples of my work, including a training session with HR managers to help them explain the importance of recruiting to the operations managers. Finally, I conducted a survey of HR managers, who indicated support for my new position.
Lessons learned: Be as transparent as possible and constantly seek feedback, especially with new initiatives and roles. I could have become defensive, but I saw that this director was reacting out of fear. As frustrating as it was, I wanted to overcome this person’s apprehensions and gain an advocate. I have since been promoted to a director role, and I continue to explore novel ways to develop current HR managers so they can advance in their careers.
My advice: Don’t take criticism personally. Rely on facts to educate others, and figure out a way to work with each other to achieve the company’s goals.
—Toby Atkinson, SHRM-CP, HR director, Mid South Region of North Carolina, Cintas Corp., Statesville, N.C.
Communicate Clearly
Years ago, I had a micromanaging supervisor who found fault with everything her direct reports, including me, did. She had an analytical mind and drilled everything down to the very core, but she never shared all of the information that was needed to complete a task correctly. It wasn’t out of malice; she simply assumed that everyone thought the same way she did and was shocked to learn otherwise. I dealt with this behavior by taking notes on each conversation, asking questions and listening for an action item. I tried to stay ahead of the action items by providing daily follow-up on my progress.
Lessons learned: I learned to communicate more clearly and to be more detail-oriented in tackling assigned tasks. Expectations of the HR role vary from employer to employer, so it is particularly important to understand exactly what’s being asked of you.
At a previous company, we hired someone as a program aide who seemed to be more interested in climbing her way up to become CEO than doing actual work. Of course, the error in our hiring decision revealed itself all too abruptly when she argued with me, in front of our customers, about completing a small task that I had asked her to do while I handled other business. She felt her time would be best utilized accompanying me on one of my assignments.
When I insisted that she stay behind to greet our customers, she abandoned her station—and our customers—to go to headquarters to complain. The program manager was stunned by the aide’s lack of professional maturity. I was baffled as well. Needless to say, she was released.
Lessons learned: This experience reinforced for me the importance of conducting proper background screening, reference checks and behavioral-based interviews.
—Crystal Black, program coordinator, Action Management Corp., Flint, Mich.
Be Prepared
We had a male employee who was the subject of a workplace harassment complaint. A co-worker reported that he threatened her when she refused his requests for a date. After learning that she had a boyfriend, the male worker allegedly punched, kicked and pushed over a soda machine. We decided to terminate his employment, but we were concerned that he might react violently.
I partnered with the security team to investigate the allegations and develop workplace safety measures for the female worker. I met with the male employee in a neutral, private location to deliver our findings. Once we decided to fire him, I coached the business leader on how to conduct the meeting. We took safety precautions but made sure they weren’t visible to the employee. Fortunately, he didn’t react in an aggressive manner.
In another situation, a high-level female executive within the organization was so upset when someone arrived late to a meeting that she literally charged at him and pushed him out of the office. We were all shocked into silence, and then the meeting resumed as if nothing had happened. Later, I privately addressed the behavior with the leader. However, to my regret, we never discussed the incident as a group. What I didn’t know was that this leader was already widely perceived to be a bully who intimidated others—even though she was under 5 feet tall.
Lessons learned: Be prepared. Whether the worst-case scenario comes to pass or not, it’s better to be safe than sorry. When you see someone at any level behave inappropriately, reinforce the company’s expectations for conduct at work. Act quickly and responsibly to lead the team back on track.
Both examples also highlight that our assumptions aren’t always correct. The previously violent man left in peace, while the diminutive woman resorted to using bodily force. Intimidation can take many forms—wielding physical strength or positions of power. Part of being ready means learning to expect the unexpected.
—Tracy Frazier, SHRM-SCP, director, advice and counsel services, HR, Memorial Hermann Health System, Houston
Stay Calm
Show Respect
I once took over the position of an HR colleague who was resigning. When I asked her why she was leaving, she said, “The employees here are horrible! If you discipline them, they’ll scratch your car!”
But I soon discovered that she could be difficult in her own right. She took a judgmental approach in dealing with the staff and often shook her finger at them when she got angry. When she delivered corrective action, she would occasionally offer admonitions like, “You know better than this!”
So I decided early on that I would reserve my emotions for situations that I felt could only be improved by displaying them. I don’t mean that I was insincere. It’s just that sometimes I wanted employees to see me as a compassionate human being, and other times I preferred that they view me as someone with no emotional investment in a particular outcome.
I soon got to test my theory when a worker who was an alleged gang member flashed a knife at a fellow employee while on the job. When I terminated his employment, the last thing I wanted to do was to give him a reason to direct his anger toward me (or my car). I needed for him to be upset with himself and to learn from his actions. I sat him down, presented his termination notice and said, “I’m sure you know why we’re here. Most employers, including our company, have zero-tolerance policies against any sort of violence or threats in the workplace. Unfortunately, the necessary result of your actions today is going to be the termination of your employment. This document explains the situation to you. I know I can’t make you sign it, but I’d like for you to. Your signature is not an agreement, but just an acknowledgment that we had this conversation.” He signed it, and I asked if he had any questions. He then left peacefully.
Lessons learned: I concluded that what’s important isn’t whether I display emotion but whether I’m able to show respect. If an employee is being difficult, I do my best to understand why he’s behaving that way. If the behavior warrants formal corrective action, then I always treat the employee with respect and honesty. It works. My car still hasn’t been scratched.
—Jason Kelinske, SHRM-CP, HR business partner, Sinomax-USA, Houston
Be Fair
Most people become difficult when they feel like they’re not being treated fairly or consistently. Complaints are raised to me or my team when employees feel like there’s nowhere else to turn, so associates are usually more difficult at this stage. The range of difficulty varies. They may have created an uncomfortable atmosphere in their department. We’ve had people become agitated and leave work abruptly or say things that weren’t appropriate. We’ve had workers post negative comments about their supervisors or the company on social media.
The best thing you can do is listen. Set up a time to speak with the associate. Ask why she’s frustrated. When did it begin? How did it get to this point? Speak to the other parties involved. Frequently, you find that it’s a misunderstanding and there are two sides to the story.
Lessons learned: Never take anything at face value. You may think that the associate is being difficult, but in reality there is a legitimate reason for her frustration. If you can work through the issue, you may be able to turn the situation around.
Be patient and treat the associate with sensitivity. You don’t know what others are going through in their personal lives. Usually, people are being difficult as a cry for help. Try to get them to respond reasonably rather than emotionally.
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Co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and President at TalentSmart
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
1. They set limits.
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
2. They rise above.
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.
3. They stay aware of their emotions.
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
4. They establish boundaries.
This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
5. They don’t die in the fight.
Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
7. They don’t forget.
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
8. They squash negative self-talk.
Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
9. They get some sleep.
I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
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We’ve all been there. Be it work, school or Thanksgiving dinner, we’ve all found ourselves in situations where we have been forced to interact with people we find to be “difficult”. For many of us, we’d rather eat glass than have to deal with challenging people like this but how we survive and, dare I say thrive, in these situations can separate us from the pack in both business and in life.
Identifying Difficult People.
Difficult people can take many forms. “Difficulty” can manifest itself in quite a few ways, oftentimes, including people who spread rumors, who find the negative in everything, those who rarely cooperate, or who don’t value the input and opinions of others. They may find every opportunity to create problems or they may simply use passive resistance to waylay your best efforts to move your agenda forward.
At the end of the day, defining “difficult” is a uniquely personal thing. What is challenging to me may be a breeze for you. Understanding your personality, preferences, and triggers can help you to recognize the types of people and situations that irritate you.
David Brown describes several types of difficult people and how their behaviors serve to irritate others like a course grade of sandpaper:
Perfectionists. If you are looking for quick results, perfectionists can be a source of frustration.
Control freaks. When you want to do things your way, overly controlling types can be a source of irritation as well.
Creative people. They’re essential if generating ideas is the plan but can cause frustration when you just want to get to delivering a simple result.
Shapers: Although shapers may seek to take over as and when they see fit, they can really help drive action.
Aggressive or defensive people. Assertion can help move a group forward. Aggression or defensiveness can have the opposite effect on a group’s dynamic.
Submissive people. The lack of confidence and fear of failure that many submissive types display can be a source of frustration as well.
Identifying the Issue.
Turning the situation inward and analyzing your triggers and reactions to these situations can help you to be prepared and self-aware when they arise. Elizabeth B. Brown shares several questions that you may want to reflect on in order to help you understand the root issue of why that person at work or in life is making you insane:
What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
How do you react to a difficult person in your life?
How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
Are you the difficult person driving others to reactive behavior?
How do others react to your actions and responses?
Feeding into our frustrations when dealing with a difficult person can become a vicious cycle. We tend to see or hear an interaction and then interpret that action based, not on fact, but on our assumptions. Then we react. Unfortunately, we usually don’t have all of the information as to why an individual may be showing up the way they are and, in the absence of factual information, we tend to fill in the blanks with our own theories about what might be going on.
Mitigating These Situations.
In order to help prevent this from happening it can be extremely helpful to separate the facts from our assumptions. Additionally, it can be beneficial to separate ourselves and our reactions from the negative emotions we may be feeling in the moment. This is easier said than done but those of us who are able to get to this place can better arm themselves with the superpower of having meaningful and productive interactions even with people who make us cringe. Tony Schwartz recommends using three different lenses to look at the world:
The lens of realistic optimism.
Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly.
What are the facts in this situation?
What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts? What do I really want as an outcome?
The reverse lens.
This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself:
What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?
Where’s my responsibility in all this?
It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.
The long lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She invariably takes credit for your work. When this occurs, begin with this question:
Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?
When dealing with difficult people, regardless of type, there are steps you can take to make the best of the situation and work to find a productive outcome.
Managing your reactions.
It is all about breathing. Slow, deep breathing actually triggers something at the bottom of your spine called the Vegus nerve, which sends neurotransmitters to brain that actually calm you down.
Then, take a moment to reflect on how you feel. Ask yourself questions about how you can respond to difficult person, or how you can create a good outcome from the situation. While this seems like overkill, this is an essential step to getting your brain out of its instinctual response (things like sharpness, negativity, and defensiveness). Forcing yourself to think of ways to create a good outcome makes your brain go into a more positive mode of thinking.
Leveraging some self-control.
Know yourself. Having a clear sense of self, what causes you tension and where your limits are can serve you well when interacting with people that you find to be difficult. Staying calm and developing your awareness and emotional intelligence skills can help you to manage your reactions to frustrating situations.
Seek to understand the situation. Gaining some clarity by asking questions while managing your own reactions can serve to help find a mutually satisfactory outcome. Reflecting on what you would determine as a satisfactory outcome before getting into an interaction with a difficult person can help you maintain focus on what really matters.
Stick to the facts and acknowledge emotions. Using examples and stating facts as opposed to interpretations can help keep interactions with people you find difficult in check. Paraphrasing and checking for accurate understanding can also show that you hear what people are saying and that you are doing your level best to work effectively with them. Responding and stating your emotions or the impact that the person is having on you based on their behavior, if delivered correctly, can sometimes be the nudge that someone needs to realize that they are rubbing you the wrong way.
Seek the advice of others. You’re not alone in this. You are not the only person who has ever had to productively interact with a difficult person. Seeking out the advice of others or finding someone to help coach you through it can be quite beneficial. Sometimes, talking it out can help you reframe the situation to a place where you can facilitate a more positive outcome.
Keep records, if necessary. Sometimes, things can be so abrasive that you run the risk of hitting an end-state that you never intended. If things are to the point where interactions are toxic, it may be time to start making intentional effort to begin documenting things. If things go south, at least you have a good record of what led to that place.
What Do You Do When None of This Works?
So, you’ve tried everything and you are set on a course of realizing that nothing is going to work. At the end of the day, my colleague Shawn Overcast said it best in an article she penned entitled, Weathering the Organizational Storm– Take care of yourself.
By modeling well-being practices, you not only do good for your own mind and body, but you eliminate second-hand stress for all those around you. Think about the classic instruction we all receive when preparing to take-off on an airplane, ‘secure your own mask before assisting others.’ If you haven’t taken care of yourself, you won’t have the clarity or energy to help those around you. One way to intentionally take care of yourself is to practice mindfulness, if even for a few minutes at a time. The field of psychology gives us research that focusing the mind promotes calmness, reduces anxiety, and increases productivity. And more and more business examples tell us that it matters to our organizational performance too.
The speed of the world around us can put any number of stressors on us and the people with whom we interact. Unfortunately, we all handle stress differently and it can often manifest in ways that are unproductive when dealing with others in our lives. When faced with such people, having a clear understanding of how you react and what tools you can employ to attempt to keep things productive can mean the difference between success and a painful, annoying and awkward failure.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-09-22 08:24:252020-09-22 08:24:25A Guide To Dealing With Difficult People
Enough is enough, isn’t it? Today’s virtual workplace demands are pressured enough without additional angst caused by managers and staffers acting out their stress in the form of yelling, public humiliation, sexual harassment over Zoom, and nastygram emails.
This is about respect. And it is about disrespect. Workplace bullying simply cannot exist is a climate of respect. It only thrives in the poisonous air of a disrespectful culture.
In the pre-pandemic world, workplace bullying was a global epidemic. It still is. It just looks a little different now.
True examples of how to chase good people away –
• “Linda, you really should wear your hair down like you used to. And you should smile more. Looks like you have gained a little weight working at home.” Said to an assistant by a manager on Zoom
• “What makes you think we want your opinions? I don’t pay you to think. Just do what I tell you to do from now on.” Email from a manager to a staffer
• “Some leaders think you meddle too much in their work.” Written in a performance review. When asked for a specific example of “meddling,” the manager would not give one.
• An assistant made the mistake of not putting herself on “mute” on a conference call and was overheard complaining about a client. Fortunately, the client found it funny and of course, the assistant apologized. The assistant’s manager called a meeting later in the day and angrily called it a “moronic mistake that better not happen again.”
What we know is that stress and anxiety can bring out the worst in humans. However, the data shows that the most effective way to retain staff is to treat them with respect and dignity. The opposite is 100% true.
None of us thought that what started in March would still be so formidable in August, but here we are. Stress and worry abound about money and paying mortgage, rent, and medical bills, evictions, and businesses being in serious danger of closing. We have our kids trying to get an education, not to mention people getting sick every day. And it looks like this is our reality for a while, right?
This situation is still no excuse for disrespectful, passive/aggressive, and bad behaviors because everyone is under stress. We have no idea what some people are wrestling with every day. No one is exempt. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a reset.
So, what is a target to do? Silence is not the answer. Having a manager or a peer who talks down to you can create a miserable workplace and relationship, even if they are virtual. As an employee, you have options for dealing with such a situation, ranging from finding coping techniques to deal with the behaviors, confronting the bully directly, or documenting offensive behavior and taking your case to HR or your executive themselves.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-08-18 11:10:492020-08-18 11:10:49Bad News: Workplace Bullying Exists Good News: We Can All Do Something
Doesn’t it seem like we deal with difficult people in almost all phases of our lives?
I’ve often had to deal with difficult people at work throughout my career. Sometimes it’s been my supervisor, other times it’s been my fellow associates and even other times, it’s people in other departments.
Then there are our families. I know it’s not just my family that can be extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve heard enough stories from friends to know that a lot of people’s families drive them to the brink from time to time.
And don’t even get me started on dealing with the multitudes of people we have to deal with at companies we interact with. Be it the cell phone company or the person that was supposed to fix my roof last year. I had to follow up every week for almost 4 months before they finally came and fixed something that should have been done in the first place.
Why was that so difficult?
There’s probably not an easy answer for why some people are difficult to deal with. The reasons are as varied as the people are. We are all different and sometimes, it’s shocking that we get along as well as we do.
Instead of analyzing why some people can be so difficult, let’s focus on what we can control — our reactions. Let’s look at 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people.
1. Use Lots of Kindness
Look, I get it. When dealing with difficult people, the gut reaction is to be difficult right back. When it feels like someone is attacking you, your first thought is to defend yourself. I’ve been there and still get caught up in that when I don’t slow down and take a pause.
What I have found in almost every difficult situation is kindness goes a lot further than being difficult. When two people are being difficult with each other, the situation tends to escalate to a point where nothing will get accomplished.
On the other hand, when you use lots of kindness with a difficult person many times, it diffuses the situation and you get more of what you want. This is one of the top techniques for dealing with difficult people.
2. Be Compassionate
Ever heard that saying about dealing with your own problems? That if you and a bunch of people shoved all your problems into a circle that you’d most likely take your own back once you saw everyone else’s? I love that.
The point is none of us really know what other people are going through. When dealing with a difficult person, it could be they are going through a very tough ordeal, or dealing with a really big problem you wouldn’t want any part of.
Many times when you show compassion to a person who is being difficult, you’ll find they respond in a positive manner. So many of us get stuck in our own heads and in our own lives that we don’t open our eyes to when others could use some kindness. Give it a try the next time you think about it.
3. Find Something in Common
Ever noticed how when you’re talking to someone for the first time, finding something in common creates a strong initial connection? We all love to feel like part of a group, like we belong. This is a great expert technique to deal with difficult people and one you should keep top of mind.
It’s always nice to find out we went to the same university as someone, it creates a kind of kinship. My daughters are both teenagers now but I used to feel a parental bond with someone when I found out my daughters went to the same school as their kids.
When we can find something in common with a difficult person, it can help make for a smoother conversation afterwards.
4. Stay Calm
Have you ever received an email from someone at work that immediately had you seeing red? This has happened to me on more occasions than I care to remember.
Working with a difficult person on a project can be infuriating. At my less rational moments, I’ve received an email from a difficult person whose only purpose seems to be making things harder and more confusing. When I haven’t paused before responding what usually happens is, I fire off an email that will only serve to make things worse.
Typically, if I can find the patience to stay calm and wait a while before responding, the results are much better. The ability to stay calm when dealing with a difficult person will help you greatly.
5. Share Your Side
Sometimes, being able to articulate to a difficult person where you are coming from will make a big difference.
For instance, if you’ve been running into brick wall after brick wall and the difficult person is your last avenue for resolution, sometimes that makes a difference.
Some people get caught in a standard script of how to deal in certain situations or when someone asks a certain question. If you can provide some context around your specific situation, sometimes that makes a huge difference.
You could let them know you’ve trying to solve your problem for months and you’ve tried X,Y, and Z but can’t get anywhere. Sometimes this is all it takes to open the empathy gates to some extent and get some help. Give it a shot.
6. Treat with Respect
I don’t know a single person who likes to be treated like they are stupid or incompetent. When dealing with a difficult person, always remember to treat them with respect. Once you start attacking someone and acting like they are stupid you might as well be slamming the door shut to get anything done.
Treating someone disrespectfully will almost always make things worse and at a bare minimum make the other person not want to do anything to assist you. It’s the same as remembering the golden rule “treat others as you would like to be treated”. Our mothers are almost always right.
7. Ignore Them
I’m a huge proponent of not interacting with negative people in my life. Why should I? All they seem to do is provide negative input and I don’t need any of that.
By the same token, sometimes the best course of action with a difficult person is to ignore or avoid them. This of course will depend if you can ignore them.
For instance if this is a fellow co-worker that you don’t have to work with much, it may be best to simply ignore them if you can.
Same thing with neighbors or certain people at stores or even potentially customers. Sometimes difficult customers are simply not worth dealing with. Their needs could be better served elsewhere and it’s not always a bad idea to let them know they could probably find someone else who could assist them in the way they are wanting.
8. Control What You Can
Many things in life we can control and many things we can’t. It’s always best to focus on what we can control.
When dealing with a difficult person, think about what you are able to control. Maybe there’s someone else you can deal with instead of the difficult person. They may be simply the first step in the chain.
Recently, I was attempting to work with the marketing department on a new initiative I was putting together. I was told to contact a certain person for help because that’s what had always been done. When I contacted the person, I never got a response. I sent multiple emails and left several voicemails and never heard back from this person. After getting extremely frustrated from never hearing back, I simply started asking other people in marketing.
Lo and behold, I found several people that were willing to help me with my project and with a smile. I basically worked my way around the difficult person. Control what you can.
9. Look at Yourself
Another one of the 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people is to take a look at yourself. As in turn your focus inward. Is there something that you are doing that is making dealing with someone harder than it needs to be?
For instance in general, I am in a pretty good mood. I interact with people all day just about everyday and overall, it goes fairly smoothly.
Sometimes, I’ve got a lot of my mind and am trying to solve a problem of some sort inside my head, even when talking to other people. It has been pointed out to me that I can come across as short, abrupt, and condescending when I am spending a lot of time inside my own head and also interacting with others.
So in this instance, my short condescending responses can make an already agitated person even more upset. Basically the way I respond is adding fuel to the fire.
Take a look at how you are interacting with difficult people to ensure you aren’t making it worse.
10. Overcome Your Fear of Conflict
One of the best techniques for dealing with difficult people is overcoming your fear of conflict. Many people are afraid of conflicts and this can lead to having difficult people walk all over them.
Dealing with a difficult person is challenging enough but if you don’t stand up for yourself and establish boundaries, it’s even worse. Just about everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly by a difficult person.
I’m not advocating intentionally starting conflict. What I am advocating is not fearing conflict in the event a difficult person is treating you poorly. Too many people allow others to have control over them by not standing up for themselves when needed.
Difficult people are all around us in every aspect of our lives. I’ve certainly worked with many difficult people over the years as well as in everyday interactions with people in a wide variety of settings. I’m hopeful these 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people will help you the next time the situation arises.
Communication with other people is such a huge key to living our lives. It’s well worth learning some techniques to deal with difficult people to help us all live happier lives.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-08-11 09:23:582020-08-11 09:23:58How to Deal with Difficult People: 10 Expert Techniques
Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.
Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.
Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.
After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.
So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?
Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:
1. Be calm.
Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.
Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered, and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.
2. Understand the person’s intentions.
I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
3. Get some perspective from others.
In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers, and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story, and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
4. Let the person know where you are coming from.
One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
5. Build a rapport.
With all the computers, emails, and messaging systems, work sometimes turns into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
6. Treat the person with respect.
No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprised if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.
Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
8. Ignore.
If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.
9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.
When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.
Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂
Written by Celestine Chua. Celestine chose her passion over everything else when she left her high paying Fortune 100 career in 2008. Today, she enables thousands to achieve their goals and dreams through her popular personal development blog CelestineChua.com and her coaching.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-07-28 08:40:472020-07-28 08:40:479 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work
Believe it or not, you can stay calm, defuse conflict, and keep your dignity.
We’ve all been there—trying valiantly to reason with an incredibly difficult person. The situation proves frustrating, maddening, and sometimes even frightening. The truth is, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. However, there are proven techniques to better manage such dicey situations.
I learned the ropes of what’s technically called “verbal de-escalation” from many years working in hospitals. Every year, we’d go through training on how to defuse difficult situations in which a patient, family member, or even another employee was extremely angry and seemingly out of control.
What follows are the tactics that professional crisis intervention teams use, and you can learn them, too. You can use these techniques with your boss, a customer, a family member, even a stranger. Keep in mind: The closer your relationship the person, the more knowledge you’ll have of what will best work to calm things down.
These tips may feel unnatural at first. When you’re dealing with a person behaving unreasonably, the fear response center in your brain (the fight-flight-freeze part) is going to be activated. This part of the brain can’t distinguish between a customer that’s yelling at you or a vicious dog about to attack you. It’s up to you to engage your conscious mind in order to defuse the situation. Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset to cultivate. Others are more specific in advising you what to do in the moment.
Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with “unreasonable” people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you’re listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.
Stay calm. When a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Monitor your breathing. Try to take some slow, deep breaths.
Don’t judge. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Chances are, if a person is acting unreasonable, they are likely feeling some sort of vulnerability or fear.
Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how a person is treating you, showing contempt will not help productively resolve the situation.
Look for the hidden need. What is this person really trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?
Look for others around you who might be able to help. If you’re at work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a colleague is close by.
Don’t demand compliance. For example, telling someone who’s upset to be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the person what they are upset about—and allow them to vent.
Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse. Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”
Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.
Don’t act defensively. This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)
Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.
Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything.
Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way toward defusing many situations.
Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have the right to be assertive and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an exit strategy.
One response does not fit all. You have to remain flexible. Although these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.
Debrief. After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.
Discharge your own stress. You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the time to discharge some of that pent up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.
Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation. It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-07-21 14:00:142020-07-21 14:00:1420 Expert Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People
Greg Schinkel, CSP
President Front Line Leadership Systems
Develop the skills your team needs to drive results and maximize engagement. Call us at 1-866-700-9043, email info@frontlineleadership.com or click here to contact us today.
How do you deal with the abrasive personalities that you interact with every day as a leader?
One of our most popular and most requested topics is how to deal with abrasive people.
These abrasive personalities could be your employees who report to you, or they could be your colleagues you interact with, or they could even be your manager or your supervisor. Whoever you are interacting with, how you deal with them is similar.
The first thing to understand is that abrasive personalities or abrasive people don’t think they are abrasive. They just think they are overly direct and get to the point and don’t beat around the bush.
If you confront them and say, “Hey, I have to talk to you about being abrasive,” they are going to say, “I don’t know what your problem is. You are just overly sensitive.” That being said, I do have a few tips for you on how to deal with the abrasive people in your sphere of influence.
Number one is, focus on tasks and actions. These are not people who would like to talk about feelings because they think it’s just all messy. Rather focus on the job that needs to get done and its specific tasks. In other words, be task-oriented when speaking to these people.
The second tip is to focus on the facts. Abrasive people don’t think of anything except the evidence, the data, and the information and what it tells them. Of course, there are lots of ways to interpret data and information, but an abrasive person appreciates seeing something in black and white. Those are the things that they can get their head around.
The third tip is, let them be able to change their mind. Abrasive people don’t like to lose and don’t want to admit they were wrong to begin with. So, you’ve got to give them a chance to change their mind. That means not boxing them into a corner where they have to lash out at you but instead give them some time to process things and come to your way of thinking. It will be more successful for you to let them do that.
If you are dealing with abrasive people, and they are your employees, that is you are their supervisor or their leader, then you’re going to have to deal with this as a behavior issue. You are still going to use the same approaches, but this time you’re going to be very clear about their behavior currently versus what you would like to see happen. That way you can help them modify their behavior to meet your expectations and to reduce the conflicts they have with others.
This is the first of a two-part series. In the next Leader Feeder, we will be looking at how to deal with what to do if you are accused of being an abrasive leader, and how do you change your own behavior?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-30 11:38:072020-06-30 11:38:07Managing Abrasive Team Members
As posted in the Business Insider: June 22, 2011. Written by Celestine Chua.
Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.
Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.
Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.
After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.
So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?
Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:
1. Be calm.
Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.
Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.
2. Understand the person’s intentions.
I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
3. Get some perspective from others.
In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
4. Let the person know where you are coming from.
One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
5. Build a rapport.
With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
6. Treat the person with respect.
No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.
Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
8. Ignore.
If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.
9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.
When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.
Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂
Written by Celestine Chua. Celestine chose her passion over everything else when she left her high paying Fortune 100 career in 2008. Today, she enables thousands to achieve their goals and dreams through her popular personal development blog CelestineChua.com and her coaching.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-22 13:32:542020-06-22 13:32:549 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work
In dealing with the work of conflict resolution, we are not always in control of the various people sitting in the room. In spite of personalities that may span the spectrum, it is still our duty and work to engage all parties in dialogue. This dialogue is only effective if everyone feels safe and comfortable in their expression. Even in our day to lives we may encounter someone on the opposing side of our opinions, beliefs, or rationale. Knowing how to navigate these instances can make us better communicators, cause us to lead far more peaceful lives, and create a workplace environment that is calm and free flowing.
Here are 17 tips:
1. Don’t react. Remain calm in the face of the storm
2. Keep your eye on the prize. Remember your goal.
3. Pause, take a time out, give yourself time to think
4. Listen actively. Give your opponent a respectful hearing.
5. Acknowledge their points, agree wherever you can.
6. Express your views without provoking. Don’t say “But…” Say “Yes, and…”
7. Acknowledge the differences of opinion as legitimate.
8. Don’t reject. Reframe the point – change the game. Elevate the focus to higher ground.
9. Choose a single issue to focus on
10. Ask problem-solving questions.
11. Focus on the problem, not the person or attack.
12. Bring up the rules of engagement. “We gathered here to talk about X, and agreed to …. Let’s continue …
13. Consider the interaction as an opportunity to grapple with certain issues (and perhaps even say so).
14. Use your power to educate.
15. Disarm by focusing on principles.
16. Aim for mutual satisfaction, not victory.
17. Bring a dignified closure to the session by summarizing any points of agreement and points that remained unresolved, so people can depart with some sense of closure and productive conversation.
Start at step 1 and work your way down the list as needed. Always remember, every attempt to resolve a conflict may not be successful, but these tips are a good way to start. At the very least, all parties can respectfully agree to disagree and everyone moves on without animosity or hard feelings. It is in the effort to acknowledge and resolve the conflict that the true strength and courage lie. We respect you for trying and wish you peaceful resolutions!
About the Author:
Shanti Thompson, Vice President: Director of Training
Ms. Thompson is involved in the design, funding, program, and financial administration of Legacy’s projects. She has over 30 years’ experience directing initiatives, developing training programs and curricula in leadership, civic education, pluralism, conflict prevention and resolution, and cross-cultural communication. Ms. Thompson has authored three published curricula and directed projects in the U.S., Spain, Russia, Kyrgyzstan, and Ukraine. She has visited 23 different nations, and worked closely with adults and youths from Israel and Palestine, Northern Ireland, South Africa, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Russia and Ukraine, and varied Central Asian ethnic groups.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-02 13:00:172020-06-03 09:45:4917 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People/Situations
It is hard to put difficult colleagues into a one-size-fits-all box. After all, they come in so many shapes and sizes. No workplace is without them.
What about the passive-aggressive who feeds on bullying others? How about the know-it-all corporate climber who walks all over people in her 5-inch stilettos? Or the two-faced backstabber who delights in betraying confidences?
Difficult colleagues create stressful environments and unpleasant working conditions. A survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 65% of Americans cited work as a top source of stress. Only 37% of Americans surveyed said they were doing an excellent or very good job managing stress. In fact, work-related problems significantly outpaced other leading causes of stress such as health concerns or family responsibilities.
Not all stress at work can be blamed on difficult colleagues, but our workplace is a perfect breeding ground for people who push our buttons. A gossip who might not ordinarily get on our nerves becomes toxic when we are forced to work with them on a daily basis.
Unfortunately for entrepreneurs, business owners, and leaders, difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity.
The way your team deals with difficult colleagues will have a major impact on their careers and their well-being. Here are 5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues:
1. Keep friends close, enemies even closer
A difficult colleague may not be your enemy, but the more you know about them, the better you can understand them.
I will admit that, as an FBI agent, there are people out there who considered me to be the difficult colleague. I (sometimes) regret that I left casualties in the squad room, but I also know I had reasons for taking my stance. I’m not justifying my behavior; I make this point to underscore the importance of trying to understand the difficult colleague.
A Buddhist practice suggests that if someone is causing you to suffer, it’s because they’re suffering as well.
If someone had taken the time to ask me about my behavior, I would have pointed out that I am an overachiever. As such, I put so much pressure on myself to excel that, at times, I had no time for the pettiness of common courtesy! The stress I put on myself to run undercover operations and develop human intelligence (humint) sources caught up with me; I ended up incredibly sick for several months.
TIP: Take the time to understand that your workplace antagonist is an imperfect person, just like you. You don’t have to like them but if you can understand why they act like a jerk, you might be able to prevent yourself from adding fuel to the fire.
2. Know what pushes your buttons
No one escapes childhood without a few bruises and scrapes. We all have flash points that stem from our upbringing, family life, and relationships. Anger or frustration can be triggered when we least expect it. We react to a situation or individual rather than choose our response.
Our buttons are our responsibility to uncover. It’s so much easier to blame the difficult colleague or stupid supervisor rather than admit we have our own flaws.
Instead, take a look at why you react to certain people or situations in a negative way. Mental toughness is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success. You need to be brave enough to look at yourself with honesty and compassion. This might mean going back to childhood hurts to discover the patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you now.
TIP: Don’t be a wimp. Get a handle on what those buttons are and who, or what, pushes them. Rather than seeing difficult colleagues as a burden, they could actually be your ticket to dramatic professional growth.
3. Save the fight for what matters
Analyze the person and situation so you can rule out “false triggers” that create unnecessary stress in your environment. If you can’t, you will be at the mercy of the office bullies because they will know how to manipulate you. By pushing one of your buttons, you can be made to look oversensitive, weak, or gullible.
TIP: Be responsive, not reactive when someone pushes your buttons. A knee-jerk reaction is never a good choice.
4. Keep a lid on anger
Anger flares up when we feel that we, or another co-worker, have been unjustly treated by the difficult colleague. There are several reasons anger is not a good reaction:
An unpleasant emotion
Bad for your health
Clouds your judgment
Makes you look unprofessional
Avoid anger in the workplace. If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you risk being seen as unable to handle the situation like a seasoned professional. Worse yet, you may get labeled as being a difficult colleague as well.
TIP: Don’t flare up in the immediate heat of a confrontation. Instead, allow yourself to observe what is happening without getting caught up in it (meditation can help you with this). If you feel you can’t control your anger, try stalling for time. Here are some suggestions:
“Can I have a little more time to think this through? I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
“This isn’t on today’s agenda. Can we talk about it later?”
“I have a deadline. Can I get back to you on that?”
Bottom line: get out of the situation as quick as you can so you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If not, wait until your emotions are under control and then choose your response rather than reacting with negativity.
5. Face conflict
Conflict avoidance is not always a great idea, either. Staying away from disagreements and conflict creates stress as well.
If you’re faced with a difficult colleague, take some time out to reflect on the situation. Think about what the ideal outcome would be for you. What would you hope to accomplish from a conversation with your colleague?
Talk the situation out with other co-workers to gauge their assessment of it. They might be able to offer constructive advice and observations.
Don’t criticize, blame, or judge. Point out what you both agree upon at the beginning of the conversation.
TIP: Things might not change between you and the difficult colleague at first, but it’s worth a try. In a corporate environment that is known for tactics and playing games, develop a reputation of someone who is direct, personal and genuine. You’ll stand out!
This article first appeared on LaRaeQuy.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-05-27 09:56:102020-05-27 09:56:105 Strategies to Deal with Difficult Colleagues
The strategies for dealing with difficult people you encounter at work will differ according to these profiles, writes Joe Topinka.
Everyone interested in career development knows that we can all benefit from more leadership training. Typically these courses cover topics like performance evaluations, budgeting, and strategic planning. But one area that gets almost no attention is how to deal with the difficult people. We all face them every day in the office.
You know the type; the people who thwart progress, create anxiety, and disrupt teams. There’s one in every office.
I was talking with a group of IT executives recently and they remarked how little is done to define great leadership, and to teach leadership skills in early education – or even in the later years, for that matter. For many of us, our development as leaders was shaped by role models and mentors throughout our careers. For me, leadership started at home with my parents. Later, I was fortunate to find other leaders that willingly offered their insights and learnings with me.
Difficult people are commonplace, even outside of the office. I recently shared five difficult people personas with a group of IT executives and Business Relationship Managers in separate keynote speeches. The reaction I received was surprising. After both keynotes, people expressed relief that we were openly talking about these difficult people and the ways to handle them. It was like a therapy session for all of us.
5 Difficult Personas You Will Encounter
I have encountered five challenging personality types throughout my career. I have assembled the profile cards below to serve as a quick reference detailing each type: their behavior, how people typically react to them, and the methods you can use to succeed despite their conduct.
1. The Emotionally Expensive
These folks seem to thrive on making people squirm and feel uncomfortable. The often like to push you off balance by trying to upset you. Try not to take the bait. Stick to the facts when dealing with these people. The facts will keep you safely above the fray. Thanks to Cy Wakeman for her insights into emotionally expensive people.
2. The Head-Nodder
It is great when people agree with you. It is also quite a letdown when you discover someone isn’t being honest with you. It is always a good idea to not overshare and it is especially true with head-nodders. Learn to ask them for commitment and accountability when you need their support on any initiatives. Most people are more likely to honor their commitments when specifically asked to.
3. The History Buff
History can be a great teacher. In the office however, history buffs can get in the way by anchoring progress to the past. History buffs relish shutting down ideas that have been tried before. You can engage history buffs by asking them to give their best ideas for why past projects failed. Negative brainstorming (a.k.a. reverse thinking) is an effective way to get history buffs out of the past and into the future. Challenge them to turn things around having a beginner’s mind to overcome the roadblocks of the past.
4. The Island Camper
In some ways, it is understandable when people become myopically focused on a goal. It is an issue however, when that goal isn’t as strategically important as other company initiatives. Island campers will often ignore company priorities if they get in the way of their own team or personal goals. They make every effort to consume as many resources as possible to serve their needs. While difficult, an honest conversation about company priorities and the impact of their behavior on bigger, broader company priorities can shake them loose from their tight grip.
5. The Remote Controller
As it happens, some C-suite executives don’t like spending time in the office. Perhaps they live in a different state and avoid traveling to HQ whenever possible. At one such company the management team was quite frustrated by this. The head of marketing created a missing person milk carton graphic that made its way around the office, with the title, “Have you seen our CEO?”. Frustration and the lack of engagement were at a fever pitch.
To overcome the absence of in-person engagement with such a boss, set up a routine cadence where you spend one-on-one time with them. Keep the meetings short and prepare your agenda items ahead of time. Be resilient and don’t lose your enthusiasm even if he or she cancels your meetings periodically.
Every office has challenging people that we all must deal with: That is just our reality. It is easy to complain about office politics and people’s behavior. The truth is office politics and challenging people always have been, and always will be, a part of working life. There is no office on the planet where challenging personas aren’t a fact of professional life. The key to dealing with these dynamics is to take them head on.
Stick to the facts, resist the drama of challenging people, and proactively focus on business outcomes. Becoming an expert at this level of politics in the office is a necessity. The more skilled we become at rising above the drama of challenging people, the more success you and your company will have. Share your success stories and challenges with others and pass on your learnings. That will be your true leadership legacy.
Joe Topinka is a recognized, game-changing CIO, executive coach, and published author. He is the founder of CIO Mentor, LLC and a Board Chair of the Business Relationship Management Institute (BRMI). Topinka is a three-time CIO of the Year award winner (Charlotte CIO Leadership Association, Charlotte Business Journal, Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal).
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-05-19 12:56:062020-05-19 12:56:06Five Challenging Personalities, and How to Manage Them
Do you wake up every work day feeling as if you’re gearing up to go to battle?
If you find yourself suiting up in what feels like a protective layer of armor or struggling to stake out your territory, you’re likely entrenched in a workplace relationship with a difficult personality.
More importantly, you’re expending energy that should otherwise be spent being productive or, dare I say, enjoying your job?
But what are you supposed to do about that person? What if it seems as if you’re the only one who sees it? Is it possible you’re the problem?
Cue Edvard Munch’s portrait of The Scream! Help!
What’s going on?
We’ve all been there–scratching (or possibly banging) our heads, confounded as to how in the world we’ve gotten ourselves into a particularly aggravating situation.
Historically, your workplace relationships have been positive. You’ve gotten along with supervisors and colleagues alike. So what is it about this relationship that makes you question yourself?
To start, first do a self-reality check and ask yourself these few questions:
When you look around, does it seem as if you’re the only one who is affected by this person or do you notice others suffering the same plight?
Is it the first time you’ve had to put on a protective facade in the workplace?
Have you ever doubted yourself so intensely before?
Is paranoia typically not your jam?
Generally, if you’re someone who has previously had positive workplace relationships and experiences, then you’re your best litmus test.
It’s rare that all of a sudden you’ve somehow become the mitigating factor.
Determining whether it’s you or them is the first step in managing this issue. Once you’ve teased out the etiology of the problem (and it’s not you), then what?
What’s the issue?
Difficult personalities take many forms. They can be competitive, undermining, and narcissistic, among other things. A recent Idealist Careers post highlighted what it’s like dealing with passive aggressive behavior in the workplace and many of those strategies can be applied here.
But let’s look at some other conflictual character styles, as well.
The Competitor: this is the colleague or supervisor who always seems to make you feel as if you’re not enough. Your daily struggle is to prove yourself be it your skill set, your expertise, or your sense of competence.
The Underminer: this person who oftentimes leaves you blinking your eyes in bewilderment or constantly looking over your shoulder. Somehow they manage to take credit for something you could have sworn belonged to you.
The Saboteur: is this person really out to get you (because it certainly feels like it) or are you just being paranoid? If confronted, they’ll assure you it’s the latter. But if you aren’t prone to paranoia, then why now?
While slightly nuanced, they all share this characteristic: these folks are sneaky and constantly keep you on edge.
What they have in common
Understanding these three types of people is the first step in maintaining your sanity. Most of these behaviors stem from a sense of core insecurity.
Feeling inadequate: Whether it began in early childhood via parenting, or with peers as they grew up, these individuals developed a less-than-enough ego narrative.
They require constant approval: These poor souls are desperate for acceptance 24/7 and require constant props.
Chronic feelings of emptiness: These individuals are sad. It’s likely they never learned the concept of self-love or acceptance. So they are desperate to find it through any means necessary.
Remember, the most toxic aspect of this entire situation is the voice of this person’s internal critic–it whispers to them every second of every day that everyone is better than them.
What to do
I’m sure the concept of making friends with your enemies is a familiar one. Understanding, empathy, and a little compassion can sometimes go a long way when trying to play on the same team (so can going to your boss or Human Resources, but give these few strategies a whirl first).
Visualize this person as a small child. What must it have been like to be berated by a parent they’d never please? Or, imagine them on the playground being tormented by alpha peers. Kind of sad, right? Start to treat this person as you would treat that small child. It’s fascinating what happens when you do this. I’ve done it repeatedly in my life–and there are times it will work! Give it a shot.
Imagine what it must feel like to be them. Trying on someone else’s shoes can often help you eek out the patience necessary to work around their problematic behavior. Spend a few minutes reflecting on what it’s like to feel like everyone around you is better than you (and–generally–out to get you because they are often paranoid, as well).
Attempt to learn more about them (gasp!). Sometimes lending our own social graces to others opens up a door this person has sealed shut. They’ve adapted antisocial behavior as a protective mechanism but if there’s nothing to protect themselves against, much of this negative behavior may become unnecessary for them.
The hardest part of implementing these strategies is that you are, once again, going above and beyond. You’re not the problem so why should you do the work?
Because an ounce of prevention can be a pound of cure
Imagine if this little bit of extra effort on your part breaks down this other person’s barriers? No more looking over your shoulder, no more scratching your bewildered head; peace in the workplace!
I’m not guaranteeing that any of this will change the dynamic but I am suggesting that, in certain instances, it’s worth a shot.
An added plus is this: on your way up the professional ladder–perhaps when you begin managing others–these types of strategies will only serve to enhance the skills necessary for you to be an effective leader.
Tell us, and our other readers, about your experiences with difficult personalities. Try out these methods, and keep us posted on the comments board. You may be pleasantly surprised and the rest of us can learn from you!
Good luck!
About the Author | Jennifer Abcug, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, where she specializes in women’s life transitions. Prior to this, she counseled patients and families at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. Convinced the earth moved after reading Mary Oliver’s poem, “The Summer Day,” the question: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” has become a focal point of Jennifer’s practice.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-04-14 11:12:092020-04-14 11:12:09Difficult Personalities at Work: Is it Me, or Them?
Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to avoid working with at least some difficult (if not some extremely difficult) people. You might find them in senior leadership, among your peers or even among your clients. They can have an impact on your motivation, stress, absenteeism and morale. In extreme cases, they might even have a financial impact if your business must incur cascading management, legal and human resources costs.
Perhaps your difficult person does not cause you complete agony, but the effects of having to manage a relationship with these types of co-workers can take a significant toll on your productivity, focus and emotional well-being. While we will never be able to completely avoid difficult people, I’ve developed five strategies as a coach to help you deal with them gracefully:
1. Examine yourself first.
This is generally the most difficult (but also most important) step of any problem: Check yourself, and ask how you might be contributing to the issue at hand. For example, is the problem the other person’s actions, or your reaction? Ask yourself truthfully, are you overreacting in any way? Do you see any patterns or typical hot buttons for yourself? It can often be a challenge to look at your place in any conflict objectively, so ask a third party, such as an unbiased co-worker, for feedback to really understand the reality of the situation without the coloring of ego and emotion.
2. Learn empathy.
Instead of being defensive, see the difficult person as a person. Try to understand where he or she is coming from. What does that person need that he or she isn’t getting? Perhaps it’s to be seen, heard, acknowledged or recognized. Many of us have likely been there before; we might have even been the difficult person on the other side. Instead of ruminating on how you can get back at them, ask yourself how you can help them. Even if you still believe they’re in the wrong, how can you create a win-win situation now that you have an understanding of where they’re coming from?
3. Don’t take it personally.
It’s important to remind yourself that you likely aren’t the cause of someone else’s demeanor. Recently, I was working with a client who was newly promoted and assigned a new team. She planned a team-building session but was nervous to facilitate the day because she was worried about how to keep everyone engaged and open. Shortly after the day started, one of the team members seemed oblivious to the conversation and was tethered to her phone.
My client was furious. Not only did it feel disrespectful, but it also triggered her own insecurities about facilitating the group. But, at the morning break, my client asked (rather than accused) the team member if something was wrong. The woman explained that she was dealing with a serious family issue, and after their conversation, both agreed that this team member should leave to be with her family.
The situation had nothing to do with my client. How often might this be the case in your workplace? Someone might be behaving in a way you do not appreciate, not because of you, but because they are struggling with something else. Everyone you know might have something going on in their personal lives you are unaware of, so be kind.
4. Become proactive.
What happens when someone takes credit for your work or yells at you? You likely become angry or upset. The problem is, most of us can end up spending valuable mental, emotional and physical energy stuck this way. It’s totally draining and only ends up hurting you in the long run.
So how can you take a more proactive approach? Focus on what you want. Be clear about your own career objectives, know what you want to accomplish in the next one or two years, and recognize the roles those around you play. The more you focus your actions and attention on what you want to accomplish, the more the difficult people gently fade into white noise in the background.
5. Find the solution.
Finally, when things get tough, fight the urge to flee. Instead, challenge yourself to be constructive and solutions-oriented. It might not be easy, but if you approach the problem with curiosity, ask open-ended questions, and truly listen with an open mind and without judgment — you might find the answer was simpler than you expected. State your objectives, acknowledge their position, ask for their suggestions, and never lose sight of your wider perspective.
Sometimes, we are able to choose the people with whom we work, but more often than not, those decisions are made for us. And while we can’t always change the cards we’re dealt, we can take responsibility for how we engage with others. Ask yourself what each person can teach you — especially those you struggle with the most. Stepping up and choosing to approach challenging people with compassion and understanding, rather than frustration and resentment, can only make you a better leader and teammate at the end of the day.
POST WRITTEN BY
Starla Sireno
Starla Sireno is an executive coach and leadership consultant helping leaders leverage their innate strengths to increase their impact.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-03-24 14:18:402020-03-24 14:18:40How To Deal With Difficult People In The Workplace
Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.
It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.
This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-04-12 10:09:222018-04-12 10:10:45Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”
Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.
Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.
In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:
Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.
Don’t be a conflict-avoider. Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.
Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.
Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’re management. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.
Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.
Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.
Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.
I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.
It isn’t. It never is.
But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-10-19 12:52:312017-10-19 12:59:23How To Manage Conflict At Work
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering if this is what your life has come to. You hear yourself describing your day as if it were someone else using those words. If someone talked to you like that, you’d wonder why that person continued to work where they do. Why are you letting one difficult person ruin an otherwise good day?
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about that one difficult person to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters with difficult clients.
SO WHY ARE PEOPLE DIFFICULT?
Why do some people see the cup as being half empty instead of half full? The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.
Some people learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the people who enter our offices with complaints in hand and use their bodies and voices to intimidate.
Some people feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These clients may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.
For other clients, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners.
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.
The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.
The next thing you know, we ourselves complain, grow stubborn and more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.
Fraught with difficult people and negative attitudes, our work environment becomes a daily scene of excessive finger-pointing, backstabbing and gossiping, higher rates of absenteeism, lower productivity and decreased quality of customer service.
Can we stop negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads in our workplace? Unfortunately, the answer is no — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.
The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has worked for them before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours.
To do this, we must understand what people expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
HERE ARE A FEW TIPS ON WAYS TO STOP DIFFICULT BEHAVIOURS AND REDUCE THE IMPACT OF NEGATIVE ATTITUDES THAT WE ENCOUNTER IN OUR DAILY AFFAIRS.
1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish. Staff should still be responsive to clients’ needs and concerns, rather than caught up in red tape and “by-the-book” procedures.
2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters.
3. Try and remember details about the person. Write them down and mention them the next time you’re chatting. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.
4. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Ask clients if there is anything you can do to improve their visit – even when you don’t want to hear their answer.
5. Give clients as much information as you can. I was recently waiting in an emergency room with my son. When the doctor arrived and began her assessment, she received an emergency page and quickly left. I was very annoyed, as my son grew restless. A nurse came by and said that the doctor had to deliver a baby and would be back shortly. That information was all that I needed to hear to make me feel better about the situation.
6. Look at the procedures that the person has to work their way through. Are you keeping them waiting, but expecting them to be on time? Make a realistic schedule, but if you are running behind, leave a message even if they may have already left for their appointment. It shows that you respect them and regret causing them any inconvenience. Can you offer them an extra service or a small token of appreciation for their patience — before they become annoyed by the delay?
7. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, they may be just the things that clients remember. If you say you cater to families, does the environment of the office really convey that when clients with children walk in? There is nothing more stressful to a parent then to try and occupy a child in a confined space. Even being a few minutes behind schedule can upset the calmest of parents. To decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.
8. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.
Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”
9. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you (and not the client) who needs to move into problem-solving mode.
10. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.
To sum up, by understanding what people expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help people feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes. And if you find yourself saying that what I am recommending will never work – well then, it may be time for you to reflect upon the negative vibes that you may be sending out.
WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING
Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-09-29 10:48:272017-09-29 10:53:33Stop Letting That Difficult Person Ruin Your Day
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.
It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult Coworker
I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.
Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.
Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.
Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-06-02 08:15:342017-06-02 08:16:14How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.
One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.
Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.
Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.
Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.
So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.
First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.
Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.
In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:
• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological
So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:
• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution
Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?
As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.
And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.
A former colleague holds complete conversations in his head with people with whom he is angry. He rarely speaks directly with the other person. This anger in his mind continues to build because of his frustration, yet he never lets the other person know that he is frustrated and subsequently angry.
His conflict avoidance almost cost him his marriage because he didn’t let his wife into the conversations he was having with her but by himself.
It was almost too late by the time he did bring her into the real conversation.
His need to avoid confrontation is so strong that he has a safe confrontation in his mind and feels that he has dealt with the issue. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work – especially for the other person involved.
Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation. I understand the concept of having the conversation in your head; so you can plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sometimes these mental conversations are enough to settle the issue, as you realize you are making too much out of a simple situation.
I know that I have spent hours lying in bed at night having conversations with people with whom I am angry and frustrated. Not only does this practice disrupt your sleep, your attitude, and your health, it never really resolves the issue, and is potentially damaging to your relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you need to confront every action. If you have the conversation once in your head, don’t worry about it. If it comes back and you have it again, perhaps start thinking about holding a real conversation.
By the third in your head confrontation, you need to start planning how you will deal with the real confrontation because it looks as if you are going to need to do that.
How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation
Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.
For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.
Say instead, “It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see.”
(I’ve used additional communication techniques such as I-language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)
Make your initial statement and stop talking.
When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It’s a human tendency, but don’t make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.
Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.
Especially since you’ve probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it’s a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.
Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take the blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.
Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.
If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she’ll say something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week.”
If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don’t get into an argument about whether she did or didn’t mention anything to the boss last week – that isn’t really the issue and don’t let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.
Your response could be, “I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project.”
Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.
The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don’t fight.
The issue is you aren’t receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That’s it. It isn’t about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.
You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can’t stand up for yourself, who will?
Article By, Rhonda Scharf
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-05-18 10:52:512017-05-18 10:52:51Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict
Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience. In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.
Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives: at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities. How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction. The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.
The goal of conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship. When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:
Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.
Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.
Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.
Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager: knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.
Conflict Management Styles
The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with. These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict. These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times. However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.
1. Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises. This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.
2. Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns. Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice. This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.
3. Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.
4. Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution: one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals. It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.
5. Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.
Conflict Management Strategies
These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:
• issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
• relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
• relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
• available time: how much time you have to resolve the issue.
By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.
Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:
1. Avoid
Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict. When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
• the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
• you are upset and need to time to cool off
• there are more important issues to deal with
• you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
• you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.
However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.
2. Accommodate
Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party. Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time. The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
• an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
• you realize you are wrong
• the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
• harmony in the relationship is extremely important.
The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful. Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.
3. Compromise
When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions. However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can. Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
• people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
• you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
• the goals are moderately important.
However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details. Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues. The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.
4. Collaborate
Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues. The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns. Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
• the parties trust each other
• it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
• the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
• the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.
The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy. If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.
5. Compete
Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken. It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win. Compete is appropriate when
• you know you are right
• time is short and a quick decision is needed
• you need to stand up for your rights.
However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.
How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style. Where has it worked for you? Where did it let you down? What were the consequences?
Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation. The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.
In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict. This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.
By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.
Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success. In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and Personal Branding and Networking. She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-05-05 11:28:522017-05-05 11:29:53Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management
Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
1. They set limits.
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
2. They rise above.
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.
3. They stay aware of their emotions.
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
4. They establish boundaries.
This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
5. They don’t die in the fight.
Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
7. They don’t forget.
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
8. They squash negative self-talk.
Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
9. They get some sleep.
I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
10. They use their support system.
It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-04-28 09:45:572017-04-28 09:45:57How Smart People Handle Difficult People
People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.
Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.
It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.
What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.
So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.
You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:
Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.
The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.
Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.
Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.
Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”
Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.
There are three steps to this.
Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”
Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.
Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.
About the Author
Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-04-20 11:23:232017-04-20 11:23:23Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People
“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
It seemed like a simple task. Please switch my gym membership from gold to silver level. I’m not cancelling, just switching.
That was now the third time I repeated my request, each time a little more calmly and a little more slowly, despite the beginnings of blood boiling feelings.
The person on the other end of the phone could not have been ruder. It was as if I was asking for a kidney instead of a membership change. A harsh tone and harsher words ensued. Why, I still have no idea.
You have undoubtedly met them. You have maybe been one, once or twice.
Why are some people continually difficult to deal with? What makes Joe easy to get along with and John such a struggle? Here are the major reasons and what can be done about it.
1. We feel triggered when our needs aren’t met.
We love it when we are acknowledged. We may not be crazy about when we are criticized, but it beats Option #3: being ignored.
Being ignored is a terrible feeling for humans and one that we avoid like the plague. When this occurs, some people revert to “problem child” mode. These are the set of behavioral responses that are so ingrained that it is a reflexive series of actions. It is the default mode.
When you find yourself in such a situation, ask the big question: What is my positive intention here? What am I trying to accomplish? (Or: What is the other person trying to accomplish?)
If you can leave enough of the heated emotions aside, clearing enough space for some patience and I dare say, compassion, the root cause of the behavior often becomes crystal clear.
What are you trying to accomplish? Great. Let’s find a way of getting what you want in a healthy fashion…
2. Fear can lead to confrontation.
If we could somehow, some way reduce fear, 99% of the world’s problems would be resolved. Fear causes more complications and melodramatic dilemmas than all other emotions combined.
Fear is typically at the root when dealing with difficult people. They want something and fear it is either not being heard and will never be heard, or they are not deserving of having their voices heard in the first place.
Are these true? Probably not. They are stories we tell ourselves and believe as fact. Spoken enough, cycled enough in our heads, we proceed to “know them as truth” and act based upon these fictional anecdotes. Our bodies react with—you guessed it—fear.
Fear is a root emotion that originates from the kidney energy. The kidney energy is the source of all energy. Knowingly or unknowingly, we try to protect this at all times. Fear is the prime, albeit most ineffective method. How ironic!
Steering the person away from this base emotion is the key here. By choosing your words carefully and speaking them kindly, you can help divert a person from fear into the more advantageous and effective emotions. Once this occurs, the rest is easy.
3. A feeling of powerlessness can make people combative.
One of the most misquoted and misunderstood martial arts is the popular art of Aikido. Most people state that in Aikido, one is using the attacker’s energy against them. Morihei Ueshiba Sensei, founder of Aikido stated something much differently. He said, “We use our opponents’ energy to protect them…”
When there is a feeling of powerlessness—real or imagined—there is a tendency to go on the attack, so to speak. If one engages, things begin to escalate. That feeling of lacking personal power is the underlying reason. “I have no power so I must go on the offensive to protect myself, to regain lost power.”
We cannot take power from anyone without their consent. When we recognize this and remind the other person with compassion, we’re better able to defuse hostility. The more we acknowledge personal power, the less conflict arises.
4. We argue because we don’t want to “lose.”
The late self-improvement master Alexander Everett used to set up situations in schools that were based on cooperation, not competition. For example, track events were not Person A running against Person B; rather, they were about whether or not the team had an improved (total) time this month versus last month.
If they improved in April compared to March, the team was considered victorious.
When a conversation (or argument) is set up whereby there is the illusion of a “winner” and a “loser,” conflict is bound to continue. Ill feelings are the “award” and nothing productive is accomplished.
How can the situation be set up so that both people receive what they desire? Note that this is much different than compromise. Compromise is a situation where a third option is agreed upon and neither party is happy with it.
At the end of the day, people are people. There are no truly difficult people, only those who have unrefined communication skills. Given the opportunity, everyone eventually finds their pure voice.
David Orman is the creator of the country’s foremost anti-aging formula, Hgh Plus found at www.hghplus.net. He is also the author of the blog DocWellness.wordpress.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-03-24 12:43:242017-03-24 12:49:394 Easy Steps to Deal with Difficult People
In case you’re wondering how to play well with others, we have a few ideas.
1. I Am Really Ticked Off. Do I Have To Be Forgiving?
The last two years I’ve had several difficult personal and professional problems, which left me feeling mad, victimized and obsessed with a few people’s General Awfulness.
This is what Hell feels like: to be obsessed with a generally awful person who isn’t even aware of the turmoil he or she is causing. Heaven is to have forgiven — or to have forgiven-ish, the best you can, for now. When your heart is even slightly softer toward that person, and you are less clenched and aggrieved, you’ve been touched by grace.
Grace is spiritual WD-40. It eases our way out of grippy, self-righteous stuckness. The question is, how do we avail ourselves of it?
I’ve learned that if you want to have loving feelings, do loving things. We think we’ll eventually figure something out, and get over the grudge, and that this will constitute forgiveness. But it’s the opposite: We take an action and the insight follows. Any friendly action will do; intention is everything. We show up somewhere knowing the person who aggrieved us will be there, and we go up and say hi. If the person is a relative, we ask for help with the dishes. (This is very subversive.)
Any warm action will yield the insight — life is short, and Earth is Forgiveness School.
All of my resentments have been healed. That doesn’t mean I want to have lunch with those people, but my heart has softened, which is a miracle. One person still judges me, and bears false witness against me, but thankfully, that is not my business or my problem, because I have chosen freedom. Nothing is more wonderful.
When I became a political commentator, I looked for a refresher course in persuasion. Unfortunately, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs, had not yet been published. (I highly recommend it.) I did stumble across the Monty Python “Argument” sketch (“This isn’t an argument.” “Yes it is.” “No it isn’t.” “Yes it is.”), which sounds a lot like our current political discourse.
I approach every argument as if I’m trying to get out of a speeding ticket: with humor and respect. I listen. And when things get tense, I pretend I’m in a restaurant, debating what to order. Public policy isn’t coleslaw versus French fries, but persuasion starts with respecting that there are many valid choices. Another trick? Slow down. Powerful speech can come in at around 120 words per minute—angry or nervous speech can be about twice that. When all else fails, make a joke. There’s no better tool for reaching across the “I’ll.” Yes, I just said that. A little pun, even a bad one, goes a long way.
Donna Brazile is a syndicated columnist, political strategist, and contributor to CNN and ABC News.
3. What’s Code For “Mind Your Own Business?”
Dorothea Johnson is the founder of The Protocol School of Washington, and actress Liv Tyler is her granddaughter. They are the authors of Modern Manners: Tools to Take You to the Top.
Liv: Say, “Thank you for trying to help, but I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.” Often you can shut someone down by mentioning your feelings.
Dorothea: Offering thanks is diplomatic. Kill ‘em with kindness!
Liv: Even if something really offends you, ask yourself whether it contains some truth worth exploring later.
Dorothea: And don’t get argumentative about unsolicited advice. Take the high road. The low road is so crowded.
4. How Can Friends Stay Friendly?
Pals Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus have coauthored eight books; the most recent isThe First Affair.
Emma: Going back to grade school, girls find comfort in friends who have the same tastes they do. Any difference can provoke anxiety. Some of our greatest tension has been about whether a character’s curtains should be cream or ecru!
Nicola: We’re with Ben Affleck: Like a marriage, friendship takes work — the same honest communication and frequent check-ins you need with a partner. Celebrate your conflicting opinions. They only make the relationship stronger.
5. Can I Maintain Sanity In My Nutty Office?
Even in toxic environment we can achieve a sense of calm, through meditation. No one has to know what you’re up to. Spend five minutes sitting at your desk, with your back straight but relaxed; try not to look directly at your computer. Breathe at your normal pace and frequency, then sharpen your focus by noticing the sensations in your nostrils, chest, abdomen. You’ll feel more balanced with each breath. And the next time a coworker frustrates you, be grateful that her nastiness comes your way only in two-minute bursts; she has to live inside that energy all the time.
6. Why Should I Hang Out with People Who Think Differently Than I Do?
Cultivating contacts outside your social circle brings a little ordered chaos into your life. Most of us find the idea of chaos stressful, but history suggests that the disorder following upheaval often brings unexpected benefits: The Plague, for example, helped usher in the Renaissance. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for catastrophe to strike; just form relationships with all kinds of individuals. I call them “unusual suspects,” because they’ll naturally push your thinking in new directions. Ask yourself which groups have made you a bit uncomfortable in the past, and try reaching out to them. (I’m from Israel, and one of my unusual suspects runs a church.) Make a point of getting together with your new connections with no agenda. Even if you just chat, you’ve created an opportunity for ideas to be born.
Article by, Ori Brafman
Ori Brafman is the coauthor of The Chaos Imperative: How Chance and Disruption Increase Innovation, Effectiveness, and Success.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-02-10 13:28:152017-02-10 13:35:586 Tips For Dealing With Difficult (Even Impossible) People
There may come a time in your relationship with your difficult person when you realize it is never going to work out. You are never going to reach a middle ground. You are never going to change their behaviour.
Is it OK to give up? Absolutely!
We have choices to make in life. Times when you have to decide to accept a situation, change it, or leave it.
Accept the situation the way it is. Emotionally detach yourself from it (thereby removing all of the stress the situation causes). This is the “let go of it” approach to dealing with your difficult person. Just let it go. Accept that it is what it is, and decide you aren’t going to worry about it anymore. I have accepted that it snows in January in Ottawa, and I don’t give it another moment of thought. I have accepted that politicians don’t always do what they say they are going to do. I have accepted that my teenaged daughter is not ever going to clean the way I want her to.
Try to change the situation so it works better for you. You’ve probably already tried to do this. Tried to make the situation tolerable or to deal with it in some way. You attended a seminar on dealing with difficult people, you read books, you searched the Internet for advice. You formed an action plan, a strategy and had an end result in mind.
Walk away from the situation entirely. In the case of a difficult person, this means leaving the relationship. Quit your job, change departments, no longer work with this person ever again. It means leaving the relationship and the family that goes with it. You can say hello when you see the person in the future, but the relationship will be similar to what you would have with a stranger. You leave the relationship emotionally.
When you give up, you choose to either accept the situation or leave the situation.
Accepting and leaving are not the same as quitting. By choosing to accept or leave, you are making a choice that is right for you. That isn’t quitting. Quitting implies a lack of choice. When you choose to accept or leave, you are making a choice. You have chosen what is right for you.
I ended a friendship I had with someone who became too high-maintenance for me. She moved into the category of difficult person because it seemed that I could never be the friend she wanted me to be. It didn’t matter what I did, it wasn’t enough, or it wasn’t right.
I tried for a very long time to find the middle ground in our friendship. I was never successful. I thought about accepting her the way she was, giving her what she needed and not worrying about what I needed. I was unable to do that stress-free (because I couldn’t emotionally detach myself). I tried to find middle ground (change things), and wasn’t being successful. So I left the friendship. I gave up on it, and I’m OK with that.
What I didn’t do was continue the friendship, complain about her high-maintenance personality and continue to be stressed during our time together. It wasn’t worth it to me.
I decided to walk away. That was the right solution for me.
Go ahead and give up on your difficult relationship if that is the right decision for you. It’s a smart person who knows when to stop pushing forward and try another path.
– As appeared in The Huffington Post January 31, 2017
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-02-01 09:55:262017-02-01 11:17:00Can I Quit
I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.
Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!
An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.
In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.
When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.
I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.
When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.
She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.
Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.
I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.
I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.
Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.
I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.
Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.
Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.
When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away
I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-12-13 09:24:262016-12-13 09:25:39Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer
The U.S. election has unleashed a style of aggression, anger and hatred created like no other. There have been friendships lost, families torn apart, and relationships that will take a very long time to repair. If they even can repair.
Sadly this type of situation happens all the time in the workplace. It could start from union strikes, a bully in the office, or a leader that inspires internal competition and fear.
Unfortunately when things get that bad at work, we usually decide that all the stress and frustration aren’t worth it, and we leave. Perhaps we burn the bridge with the boss, the bully, or the company; and realize that we could never go back. And we are OK with that because we made that choice.
However, in some situations, that choice isn’t an option. A union strike is an example, a divorce is an example, and a divisive election is an example.
Sometimes you can’t run away by building a wall and hiding behind it.
We need to build bridges, not walls.
The question is how do you build that bridge so that you can detach yourself from the emotions the situations causes?
Here are three things you can do to build a bridge instead of a wall:
Don’t Interrupt. When someone is saying something you don’t agree with, or making a statement that makes your skin crawl; don’t interrupt them. By interrupting, you are being the wall, refusing to hear what they have to say. Interruptions are seen as aggressive and rude. Let them finish their statement and then follow the next two steps.
Stay calm. Whatever the disagreement or difference in opinions; it is not personal. Don’t take it personally, and don’t make it personal.
Sadly the fact that many people seem to be taking the election personally is what is causing so much strife. Someone has an opinion that you don’t understand. Their point of view is different than yours. It is not your job to convince them they are wrong and don’t take it personally if they try to convince you that you are wrong.
In a perfect world, we would not launch insults or hate because someone has a different perspective. Unfortunately, it is the way it is. Be the voice of reason, stay calm, don’t take it personally and hopefully others will follow your suit.
Set Boundaries. There are some subjects that will just be off the table for discussion. I’m seeing that on social media today with the U.S. election. People are giving themselves a “free zone” where there is permission NOT to speak about anything election related. The boundary says no political comments allowed. That is a pretty safe and smart thing to do when emotions are high.
In my family there is a topic that we have all agreed will not be brought up in conversation. We realize that not everyone agrees, that no one is happy about, so we just don’t go there. Do not enter into that area of discussion.
If you have decided to build your bridge instead of a wall and the dangerous subject is brought up, it is not unreasonable to say “I am uncomfortable with this line of discussion and I’m requesting we discuss something else.” If the other person continues to have the discussion, give yourself permission to disengage and if necessary leave the room. By engaging in the discussion you are now arguing and this is not the goal. Change the subject, but don’t go there.
Building a bridge doesn’t mean we’ve repaired the divide. It means that we can move past whatever the contentious subject is and continue.
Walls create borders, sides, and promote incivility. Bridges create solutions.
Build a bridge, and get over it.
Article by,
Rhonda Scharf
Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-11-15 11:42:152016-11-15 11:43:55We Need To Build Bridges, Not Walls
Most of us encounter unreasonable people in our lives. We may be “stuck” with a difficult individual at work or at home. It’s easy to let a challenging person affect us and ruin our day. What are some of the keys to empowering yourself in such situations? Below are ten keys to handling unreasonable and difficult people, with references to my book (click on title): “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People”. Keep in mind that these are general rules of thumb, and not all of the tips may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
1. Keep Your Cool
Benefits: Maintain self-control. Avoid escalation of problem.
How: The first rule in the face of an unreasonable person is to maintain your composure; the less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation.
When you feel angry or upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of escalate the problem. If you’re still upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you calm down.
2. “Fly Like an Eagle”
Benefits: More peace of mind. Reduce risk of friction.
How: Some people in our lives are simply not worth tussling with. Your time is valuable, so unless there’s something important at stake, don’t waste it by trying to change or convince a person who’s negatively entrenched. As the saying goes: “You can’t fly like an eagle if you hang out with turkeys!” Whether you’re dealing with a difficult colleague or an annoying relative, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article when you need to interact with them. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.
3. Shift from Being Reactive to Proactive
Benefits: Minimize misinterpretation & misunderstanding. Concentrate energy on problem-solving.
How: When you feel offended by someone’s words or deeds, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think that my co-worker is ignoring my messages, or I can consider the possibility that she’s been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
Another way to reduce personalization is to try to put ourselves in the difficult individual’s shoes, even for just a moment. For example, consider the person you’re dealing with, and complete the sentence: “It must not be easy….”
“My child is being so resistant. It must not be easy to deal with his school and social pressures…”
“My boss is really demanding. It must not be easy to have such high expectations placed on her performance by management…”
“My partner is so emotionally distant. It must not be easy to come from a family where people don’t express affection…”
To be sure, empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that people do what they do because of their own issues. As long as we’re being reasonable and considerate, difficult behaviors from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalizing, we can view the situation more objectively, and come up with better ways of solving the problem.
4. Pick Your Battles
Benefits: Save time, energy and grief. Avoid unnecessary problems and complications.
How: Not all difficult individuals we face require direct confrontation about their behavior. There are two scenarios under which you might decide not to get involved. The first is when someone has temporary, situational power over you. For example, if you’re on the phone with an unfriendly customer service representative, as soon as you hang up and call another agent, this representative will no longer have power over you.
Another situation where you might want to think twice about confrontation is when, by putting up with the difficult behavior, you derive a certain benefit. An example of this would be an annoying co-worker, for although you dislike her, she’s really good at providing analysis for your team, so she’s worth the patience. It’s helpful to remember that most difficult people have positive qualities as well, especially if you know how to elicit them (see keys #5 and 6).
In both scenarios, you have the power to decide if a situation is serious enough to confront. Think twice, and fight the battles that are truly worth fighting.
5. Separate the Person From the Issue
Benefits: Establish yourself as a strong problem solver with excellent people skills. Win more rapport, cooperation and respect.
How: In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The relationship you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the person and firm on the issue. For example:
“I want to talk about what’s on your mind, but I can’t do it when you’re yelling. Let’s either sit down and talk more quietly, or take a time out and come back this afternoon.”
“I appreciate you putting a lot of time into this project. At the same time, I see that three of the ten requirements are still incomplete. Let’s talk about how to finish the job on schedule.”
“I really want you to come with us. Unfortunately, if you’re going to be late like the last few times, we’ll have to leave without you.”
When we’re soft on the person, people are more open to what we have to say. When we’re firm on the issue, we show ourselves as strong problem solvers.
6. Put the Spotlight on Them
Benefits: Proactive. Equalize power in communication. Apply appropriate pressure to reduce difficult behavior.
How: A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that they like to place attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate. Typically, they’re quick to point out there’s something not right with you or the way you do things. The focus is consistently on “what’s wrong,” instead of “how to solve the problem.”
This type of communication is often intended to dominate and control, rather than to sincerely take care of issues. If you react by being on the defensive, you simply fall into the trap of being scrutinized, thereby giving the aggressor more power while she or he picks on you with impunity. A simple and powerful way to change this dynamic is to put the spotlight back on the difficult person, and the easiest way to do so is to ask questions. For example:
Aggressor: “Your proposal is not even close to what I need from you.”
Response: “Have you given clear thought to the implications of what you want to do?”
Aggressor: “You’re so stupid.”
Response: “If you treat me with disrespect I’m not going to talk with you anymore. Is that what you want? Let me know and I will decide if I want to stay or go.”
Keep your questions constructive and probing. By putting the difficult person in the spotlight, you can help neutralize her or his undue influence over you.
Benefits: Disarm unreasonable and difficult behavior when correctly used. Show your detachment. Avoid being reactive. Problem rolls off your back.
How: Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck up. One day a colleague of mine said “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped: “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.
When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In my book (click on title): “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.
8. Change from Following to Leading
Benefit: Leverage direction and flow of communication.
How: In general, whenever two people are communicating, one is usually doing more leading, while the other is doing more following. In healthy communication, two people would take turns leading and following. However, some difficult people like to take the lead, set a negative tone, and harp on “what’s wrong” over and over.
You can interrupt this behavior simply by changing the topic. As mentioned earlier, utilize questions to redirect the conversation. You can also say “By the way…” and initiate a new subject. When you do so, you’re taking the lead and setting a more constructive tone.
9. Confront Bullies (Safely)
Benefits: Reduce or eliminate harmful behavior. Increase confidence and peace of mind.
How: The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light.
“When people don’t like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.” — Tom Hiddleston
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” — Paramhansa Yogananda
“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It’s the bully who’s insecure.” — Shay Mitchell
When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals on the matter. It’s very important to stand up to bullies, and you don’t have to do it alone.
10. Set Consequence
Benefits: Proactive not reactive. Shift balance of power. Win respect and cooperation when appropriately applied.
How: The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills we can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the challenging individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. In “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.
In conclusion, to know how to handle unreasonable and difficult people is to truly master the art of communication. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less grief, greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication prowess. You are on your way to leadership success!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-10-14 10:54:402016-10-14 10:55:57Ten Keys to Handling Unreasonable & Difficult People
Chances are you’ve dealt with your fair share of unsavory co-workers, employees, and bosses. And every time, you learn a little bit more about how to deal with the difficult scenarios they throw at you.
However, there are some types of problematic people who seem to pop up more than others, and after a while, you might be wondering if there are better ways to deal with those co-workers. You know, besides just complaining about them.
The infographic below shows five of the most toxic types of employees that exist and how to keep their problems from affecting you and your fellow co-workers.
Lily is a writer, editor, and social media manager, as well as co-founder of The Prospect, the world’s largest student-run college access organization. In addition to her writing with The Muse, she also serves as an editor at HelloFlo and Her Campus. Recently, she was named one of Glamour’s Top 10 College Women for her work helping underserved youth get into college. You can follow Lily on Twitter.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-10-06 13:24:522016-10-06 13:32:48The 5 Most Difficult Employees in the Office (and How to Deal With Them)
With winter in Ontario only a few short months away, I’m reminded of receiving my license. It was a blustery Saturday when the Young Drivers instructor was coaching me through skid maneuvering. We were in the parking lot of a local grocery store and trying (that’s right, on purpose) to get the car to skid out of control. The maneuver wasn’t that difficult, just speed towards a snow bank and then turn sharply and hit the gas. BOOM – instant skid.
What was interesting about the training was how to get out of a skid. I can still remember when I made it into my first skid. I nervously grasped the wheel and shouted out to my instructor, “now what?!”
She replied, “Turn in the direction of the skid.”
What??!
It would seem that by turning into the skid you gain control of the vehicle again. Counter-intuitive to what you might think.
This philosophy came to mind recently during the formulation of a strategy with a large board for a publicly traded company. We had one employee who had been around for years and who, despite everyone’s desire to walk on eggshells in his presence, was an obstacle.
You might think I’m exaggerating, but let me ask you, if the board members name someone during the swat analysis as being an “obstacle,” do you think it’s a recognized issue? Absolutely!
I’ve learned over the years that the most difficult obstacles in any organization are often the ones that are living and breathing. You know what I mean. There’s Bob in the corner office who is stuck in his ways, or Sally who has been with the organization since its inception and disagrees with everything you say.
Living, breathing obstacles are often the most difficult to overcome. If only we could tuck them away somewhere, like in the trunk of a car… (Kidding. Sort of.)
The interesting thing is that dealing with this type of obstacle is no different than dealing with a skid on icy roads.
You need to agree with them.
That’s right; agree with what they are suggesting, when they suggest it. Give them the floor, let them speak their mind, and agree with them.
Sound counter-intuitive? Well, it might be, but it’s the only way to diffuse them as an obstacle.
I’ve repeatedly found that when you let those who oppose ideas fully voice their opinion, they tend to lose their stamina. In fact, I often find that those who are most boisterous are often so as a result of having others dismiss their ideas for long periods of time. The longer they perceive they are ignored, the more of an “obstacle” they become.
If you allow them a stage to fully voice their opinion and explain it to others, there is an 80% chance they will feel listened to, validated, and be prepared in turn to fully listen to the ideas of other.
So the next time you have someone speaking out in rebellion towards the ideas of your board or leadership team, give them the floor and hear them out. You just might find that not only do they share some information that may have been missing from their earlier explanations, but they actually lose momentum and avoid skidding out of control.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-10-04 10:18:432016-10-04 10:49:21How to Extinguish a Disgruntled Leader
Someone will talk about you in the future, too, and they won’t always say nice things.
If you’re under the misguided belief that no one has ever said anything bad about you behind your back, you’re naïve. Sometimes it’s even the people you consider friends who will stab you in the back.
There are some things you can do to minimize the harmful effects a backstabber will have on you.
Try not to take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, it’s actually not about you. When someone is talking smack about you, it’s because they either feel threatened by you, or they feel there is something to be gained. So stop taking it personally, because it’s about the other person — not you.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt
Choose your battles. This is not your cue to fight back. It may be tempting to give your backstabber that stare that lasts a few seconds too long, or to walk right up to them and say, “Game on!” But while it’s tempting, it’s not smart; don’t do it.
Your backstabber is probably better at this than you are, so you’re bound to come out of the exchange worse off. Plus, what will it say about you when you stoop to their level? It will say a lot of negative things about you, so don’t do it.
“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” ―George Bernard Shaw
There may be times when you need to confront your backstabber (as a last resort: See #5), so take the high road and don’t give anyone a reason to think that perhaps the backstabber is right, and you are an awful person, after all.
If you do need to confront your backstabber, check out my previous article here
Be smarter than they are. That means you won’t be giving them a knife to stick in your back ever again. You need to pay attention to what you say, what comments you make, the opinions you share, and the fact they are probably looking to catch you doing or saying something you shouldn’t. Don’t give them the opportunity. Learn to be evasive, or learn to stop talking when they’re around. Choose your words and actions wisely. Be on the defensive, and stay at least one step ahead of your backstabber.
Act your age. Don’t respond like a child. Don’t go running to all your friends at work and complain to them about what is happening. If you do, you are being a backstabber right back.
You need to document what is going on. It may start as a simple issue, but perhaps what you are dealing with is a bully in training. Make sure you have documentation about who, what, where, when, and how the backstabbing happened.
There will be times when you do need to go to your boss, or someone higher, and let them know what’s going on. Don’t be a tattletale; instead, be a prepared professional. Don’t focus on how it makes you feel, but focus on the negative consequences to the company and your department.
Confront, if needed. I mentioned earlier that there are times when you should confront your backstabber.
If someone is talking smack about my spending habits, my car, my shoes, or my personal life, I don’t think twice about it. To me, that is clearly jealousy and if it makes the other person feel better to talk smack about me because of their jealousy, I can live with that.
If you struggle with it, go back to tip number one.
But if someone is talking smack about me professionally, about what I do and how I got where I am, then I’ll confront them. That type of backstabbing is potentially dangerous to my professional reputation and my career, and it needs to be stopped.
However, before I confront the person I will make sure that I’ve cooled down. I won’t confront anyone when I’m upset and angry. I’ll also speak to my boss or HR to be sure of the route they want me to take. And, I’ll make sure that I’ve documented what I want to say, and prepared for the confrontation to ensure that I do what I need to do. I need to respond to the person’s words and get them to stop, not react emotionally.
If you hear someone talking smack about me, please tell me. If you know that someone is talking smack about you, either because caught him or her at it or because someone told you, follow the advice above.
Dealing with enemies is never easy. Remember that they do have an agenda; they are trying to get ahead, at your expense. Deal with them professionally and consistently, and very quickly they will learn not to mess with you!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-09-20 10:45:332016-09-23 10:48:08Dealing with Enemies
We’re exactly two months from Election Day, and the closer we get to Nov. 8, the more prevalent election discussions will become in the office. Fortunately, Americans have the ability to openly discuss and debate candidates and the divisive issues they raise. However, not everyone is articulate or open to constructive discourse.
As such, political conversations at work can become heated or overly personal and can lead to unnecessary tension in the office. Here are five ways to diffuse awkward conversations before they become heated arguments.
1. Go along
Polite nods and active listening are the most common ways to avoid arguments. The risk is the person on his soap box springing off his feelings about gun control will think you agree with him. If that’s your boss, it might be OK. But if not and you truly disagree with what’s being said, just be aware of the possible implications of your silence.
2. Ask questions
A great way to handle any overly passionate person is to ask questions about her passion. It helps you control the situation while allowing her to continue talking about the topic. Think of it like an interview and ask open-ended questions. Once it goes on long enough, you can always interrupt her, tell her you’ll have to finish out later and get back to work.
3. Change the topic to talking about politics at work
A colleague of mine who is also a consultant uses this one all the time. As soon as the conversation turns to opinions and declarations about candidates, she says how excited she is that someone brought it up and asks everyone within earshot their opinion about talking politics at work.
This approach requires active participation in managing the conversation, but it usually results in a win for everyone by exposing how people feel about the discussions themselves. Normally, those in favor of it go off and debate to their hearts are content, leaving the uninterested parties to their work.
4. Excuse yourself, involve someone else
Sometimes it is your cubicle neighbor who insists on recapping every campaign trail tidbit first thing in the morning, making it difficult for you to avoid. In such cases, it may be helpful to involve HR to remind everyone of the workplace policy about political discussions.
No HR? No workplace policy? Then find the person in the office who everyone listens to and get his advice on how to handle it.
5. Look … it’s football!
Sometimes distraction is the easiest way to go — especially when you’re stuck in the break room listening to John and Sallie argue about America’s greatness for the hundredth time and they once again try to enlist you for support. Tell them you are tired of politics for now and ask them if they watched football over the weekend. This sports distraction may help you eat your leftovers in peace for today.
The bottom line is: November will be here soon, and no one will know how you voted. Find some patience and a way to embrace these exercises in democracy. Remember, this kind of thing only happens once every four years — try to enjoy it!
About the Author
Catherine Iste is CEO of Humint Advisors, Inc., an operations consultancy creating sustainable systems that inspire productivity and efficiency. Catherine’s specialties and interests include difficult HR and organizational dynamics issues, the pursuit of work/life balance, ethics and discussing and writing about them all. Feel free to contact her at: contactus@humintadvisors.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-09-14 08:59:472016-09-14 09:03:325 ways to diffuse political arguments at work
To succeed as a manager, you can’t be a conflict-avoider.
Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post on Forbes.com (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”
Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.
Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.
In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:
Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.
Don’t be a conflict-avoider – Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.
Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If:If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.
Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’remanagement. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position manage and negotiate from.
Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypeson TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.
Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.
Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management‘s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.
I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.
It isn’t. It never is.
But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-05-27 14:49:022016-05-27 14:58:49How to Manage Conflict at Work
Recently, my 18 month old computer died. It had a hardware failure that my computer technicians called “irreparable”.
I am totally frustrated at not having a computer, at the expense, and most importantly, with the time I am having to spend to get a new system up and running.
Do you ever get frustrated at work? Have you ever gotten annoyed because someone else in the office wasn’t doing what you want her to do? Do you get frustrated with red tape? What do you do about it?
There are a few different ways you can deal (or not deal) with frustration.
Focus on the frustration
The first options is something we’ve all done from time to time: allow circumstances to take control. You’ve seen it happen to others, too. It’s what happens when you just whine and complain but do nothing about it. You allow it or her to wreck your day, your week, and your month. If you complain about something long enough it even starts to control the way you think. For instance if you say “all lawyers are crooks” often enough, you will start to believe it is true. You and I both know that it isn’t true. If your lawyer is frustrating you for whatever reason, and you choose to allow the frustration to control you, you will never get over being frustrated by your lawyer. Every time you think about needing a lawyer your temperature will rise, your anger will re-appear and you will be frustrated.
Avoid the situation
The second option is to avoid the situation or person who is frustrating you. I could have said that I was fed up with computers and refused to use another one again. That is a perfect example of biting off my nose to spite my face. Who am I hurting in this situation? Me. I know of people who get very frustrated driving on major highways, so their response is to never drive on them. They must take much longer to get anywhere because they are avoiding the frustration of the highway. Others have quit their jobs because they didn’t like the frustration of certain aspects of it. That’s pretty drastic, and life-altering, solution to the problem of frustration.
A Better Option The third option is to understand the situation and let it go. Don’t allow it to control you. When I ordered my new computer, I was told it would take two to four business days until it was delivered. A week later, it still isn’t here. Yes, I could obsess about it not being here, or I could just say “that’s too bad, I could really use it now.”
I am choosing to just let it go. There is nothing I can do to get my computer here more quickly. If there was something I could do, I would, and that would be another excellent option. But since there isn’t, I will let go of what I cannot control.
I also need to let go of the fact that the computer didn’t last as long as I thought it should. I need to change my expectations for the next time.
The same thing applies with co-workers. If you have a co-worker who is continually late, and who drives you crazy each morning with frustration, what are you going to do about it? Well, realistically, what can you do? Can you go to her house each morning and get her out of bed? I doubt it. Can you just let it go and not obsess over her being late? Yes you can. If you are in a supervisory position, you have a few more choices, but being frustrated does not have to be the one you choose.
Frustration is something that occurs in many aspects of life. We can let frustration control us, or we can decide not to let it. It’s a choice.
As for me, I will wait for my computer and ensure that frustration doesn’t dictate my feelings or how I live each day while I’m waiting. And when a co-worker does things a little differently than I expect her to, I will choose not to let it ruin my day. I will choose to let me frustration go.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2014-03-24 12:51:252014-04-07 07:33:43Let your frustration go
You know that one of the most frustrating aspects of working in an office environment can be dealing with negative coworkers. These coworkers can cause a great deal of frustration without rea
Avoid Negativity
lizing they’re doing it. For them, it may just be venting but for you it becomes a constant stream of negativity that can make life miserable. What can you do when faced with this kind of distraction?
Walk Away
Negative coworkers can really sap your energy, leaving you feel like you’ve been beat up just because they couldn’t stop complaining all day! Even if you have an entire arsenal of tools with which
to combat the negativity, you really need to take time for yourself. Pepper your day with regular breaks that allow you to have some breathing room. Take a walk around the building or simply head off to the break room for a change of scenery. If possible, try to take your break outside so you can combine your need to get away with a little bit of sun and some fresh air. You’ll be amazed at how refreshing these little breaks can be, and how much you start to depend on them. Treat yourself – you deserve it!
Turn It Around
Whenever possible, turn the negative comments or attitudes around with a positive version. For every negative bit of reasoning your coworker tosses out, counter with something positive. Every
situation, no matter how dire, has a thread of positive you can knit into a ray of light in the gloom. If your coworker specializes in complaints, help him by suggesting solutions. Sometimes people become so downtrodden by problems that they forget to resolve them.
Stay On the Move
When all else fails, keep moving. If your negative coworkers tend to find and corner you at your desk, this tip is especially important for you. A moving target is harder to hit. Keep files on hand that you need to copy or deliver to another coworker. when your negative friend shows up at your desk yet again, take your mobile task and go. You can avoid sounding rude by letting him know that you simply must deliver the paperwork or make copies before you forget.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2012-01-18 13:43:542019-09-11 13:26:24Tips for Managing Negative Coworkers
After the confrontation ‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.
When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.
“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.
In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.
I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.
This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.
Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.
Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.
Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.
That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.
Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.
The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.
Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.
Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.
I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.
Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.
It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2011-03-28 11:21:102011-03-28 11:21:10After the confrontation
“Can you read this over to make sure it sounds okay?” We’ve done that haven’t we? Don’t.
If there is tension in a relationship, the desire to turn to email is overwhelming. i realize that we want a paper trail, we want to avoid our difficult person, and we want to ensure that we are not part of the problem.
The problem is email itself. You may have written an email that sounds perfect to you, but you aren’t the other person! If there is a way to read it the wrong way, that is pretty much what is going to happen.
The tension in your relationship is causing the person to read your email with a “tone” of voice that you potentially weren’t intending to put in the message. They heard it anyway. It isn’t about right or wrong, it is about perception. Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.
If you can, go over and speak to your difficult person. be prepared and stick to your “script”. Follow up the meeting with an email summary, but don’t have the conversation on email.
If a live conversation is just too much to expect, then have the conversation over the telephone. Worst case scenario, call their voice mail and leave the message.
Email is guaranteed to make it worse.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-12-13 12:07:402013-01-04 07:04:18Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!
Bullying has been getting a lot of press lately. In a recent Zogby International study, 54 million Americans say they have been attacked by bullies at work. That is an astounding number.
The definition of bullying is activity that is unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to harm the victim. It is persistent, prolonged and it happens over a period of time.
What we’ve seen is a change in the way people are handling confrontation. Many people are uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so email confrontation is increasing astronomically. People are clearly not uncomfortable with email confrontation.
I’ve recently seen several cases of email bullying. I’m willing to bet that the person involved in the email confrontation was not aware that she was being unfair, humiliating, potentially malicious or vindictive. I’m willing to bet that these people thought they were handing the situation clearly and in a businesslike manner.
That was not the case.
To begin with, confrontation should not be handled via email.
I realize that given the choice, it’s easier to have a confrontation via email rather than face-to-face. It gives us the opportunity to choose our words carefully, and to be very clear and unemotional. It also gives us a valuable paper trail so we don’t have to rely on “he said–she said” afterthought.
So I realize that sometimes these tense conversations are held via email. As much as I advise you not to do that, it does sometimes still happen. If so, here’s what not to do: add someone else to the conversation.
If it is a conversation between you and another person, don’t include others; don’t add anyone to the cc: field. Especially don’t add anyone to the bcc: field, (which includes others in the conversation without the receiver being aware of it). If you are having an issue with one person, don’t bring others into it without permission. That is unfair and potentially humiliating.
A client I’ve been coaching was having an email dialogue with a contractor in another time zone. Things got heated and unexpectedly, several VPs and senior directors from my client’s firm were added to the conversation. My client felt ganged up on; he felt that adding his executives to the discussion was unfair to him. It was certainly humiliating and he felt that his contractor was trying to harm his professional reputation.
That is bullying. Would the bully do this again? Potentially, as it probably worked well for him.
The bully in my example would have defended his position by saying that the senior team needed to be brought into the conversation. While that justification might be accurate, shouldn’t the other party be aware, and agree to that? The bully gave my client no choice.
Be careful you’re not bullying someone on email without being aware of it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you feel that it was unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to hurt you?
If you’ve ever called a co-worker over to read an email to make sure it sounds okay, don’t send it. I guarantee the tone you are hoping it is read in is not the tone that it will be read in. Pick up the phone or go speak to the individual in person, but don’t handle the conversation via email if there is another option.
And if you are being bullied via email, stop the conversation immediately. Pick up the phone. Find a way to speak to the person using any medium other than email. Take control so your bully cannot continue to bully you.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-11-05 12:16:162013-01-04 07:05:04Putting a stop to email bullying
Bill had a heated discussion with the ladies and said several very inflammatory comments. Now lets be clear here, Bill O’Reilly enjoys pushing buttons and was probably well aware that his comments were inappropriate, but any publicity is good publicity for a guy like Bill right?
The View
Both Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set. They were unable to have an adult, logical discussion with Bill and were very upset by his comments.
Once they left Barbara Walters announced that we should be able to have discussions without washing our hands and walking away.
I completely disagree.
When you are dealing with a difficult person (as Bill O’Reillly was for Whoopie and Joy), and they are not willing to have an adult, logical discussion; why should you stay and keep trying? Will anything be accomplished?
The ladies were emotional, upset and an adult, fair, logical discussion was not going to happen. Walking away was smart on their part.
It would have been easy to say something that they would regret. It would have been easy to call him an unprofessional name. It would have been easy for them to destroy their own credibility.
It was smart to walk away in this situation.
I agree with Barbara that we “should” be able to have discussions without walking away in theory. In reality, sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can do.
Know when to have a discussion, and know when to walk away.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-10-18 09:43:392019-09-11 11:50:54Should You Walk Away?
I was volunteering at water station a marathon recently. The station was held on a residential street, so the street was closed off, all traffic diverted and the residents were asked to have their cars off the street no later than 8am.
Don’t Swear!
At 8:15am a man walked out his front door. One of other volunteers asked him if the vehicle still on the street was his and could he please remove it.
Clearly this guy was not a morning guy, nor was he in support of the marathon. He was rude, abusive and stubborn and was not going to be moving his vehicle.
As he went back into the house, one of the volunteers shouted at him “A—hole!”
So wrong!
Regardless of the situation, regardless of who is right or wrong; do not resort to name-calling or profanity.
This is guaranteed to put the situation or relationship at a new level of tension.
I’m pretty sure that several of the volunteers that morning were thinking that exact thought, but that doesn’t make it OK to voice the thought.
Name-calling is never the right answer. Bite your tongue. Every time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-10-04 08:00:422019-09-11 11:46:26What NOT to say during Confrontation!
When someone pushes your buttons, the best thing you can do is let their verbal attack hang in the air. Say nothing. This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever. It means that for now, the conversation is over. You’ll continue the conversation later, when you are calmer and so are they. Take a look at the confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:
Mike: Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that. Here, let me show you how.
Steve: I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet. You’re constantly messing up and I don’t want your advice!
Mike: (holds extended, silent eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.
The attack seems to be uncalled for. Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line. What will happen if Mike fights back? More fighting. Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur. Picking your battles is a sign of strength. The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.
Take the high road in situations such as this one. It will save you from saying something you’ll regret.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-09-17 11:01:002019-09-11 11:44:54Silence can be golden
Dear Rhonda: I’m working with someone I think is a bully. She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way. My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse. What is the difference?
Signed, “Back to Grade Three”
Dear “Back to Grade Three”
There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with. Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.
Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want to get involved (Zogby study). That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well. If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.
Personality clashes are communication style differences. One person will be very direct, one will be passive. One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not. One person likes attention, and one does not. Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying. It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.
A bully is:
What is a bully?
– unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive
– someone who intends to harm the victim
– is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)
– will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being
– has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned
Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective. What does the bully get from bullying you? What is their payoff? Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)? Why?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-09-01 08:01:592019-09-11 11:44:41What is a bully?
Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.
When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.
Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check. She lashed out in anger at me. It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me. It also instantly made me angry.
I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.
I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.
I said nothing in response. I knew enough to keep quiet. I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.
When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond. Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy. In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say. If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.
Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.
You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-08-23 19:21:172010-08-23 19:21:17Emotions & Anger - Bad Combination!
Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person. The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.
The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe! Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.
It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-06-14 05:59:482019-09-05 12:28:47Are you breathing?
Words are dangerous. Words hurt. Words can leave scars. Be very careful what you say when dealing with your difficult person.
It is easy to lash back. It is easy to say things that are meant to hurt in the middle of a confrontation, whether it is intentional or not. When someone pushes our buttons we often strike back verbally without realizing the dangers of pushing back. It is so tempting to want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting us.
Don’t.
The best thing you can do is to let a verbal attack hang in the air. Say nothing at the time. This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever. It means that for now, the conversation is over.
You’ll continue the confrontation/conversation at a later date. At a date when you are calmer and so are they.
Have a look at a confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:
Mike: Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that. Here, let me show you how.
Steve: I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet. You’re so stupid and constantly messing up, there is no way I want your advice!
Mike: (Holds extended “silent” eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.
Can you imagine if you were Mike? The attack seemed to be uncalled for. Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line. What will happen if Mike fights back? More fighting. Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.
Picking your battles is a sign of strength. The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.
Try it. It will save you from saying something you regret. Take the high road in situations such as this one.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-05-04 06:49:242010-05-04 06:49:25Words are permanent
Doesn’t it drive you around the bend when someone tells you to calm down? That is about the worst thing you could possibly say to a person who has lost their cool. So don’t say it. Ever.
I can appreciate that sometimes people get out of hand. I can appreciate that in order for us to proceed they are going to need to calm down. However, telling them to calm down is like throwing grease on the fire – it will just cause a big blow up.
Instead of telling the other person to calm down, perhaps we need to say “I need to take a breather before we continue. Perhaps we could continue this conversation in 45 minutes.”
I realize that when you are dealing with a client that option is not always available and you must deal with the situation immediately. Continue to speak calmly and with extra care – but don’t tell the other person to calm down!
Keep your own cool, and remind yourself to calm down – but don’t give that advice to an angry and difficult person. It will make matters much worse. Breathe deeply …. But bite your tongue!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-04-12 15:38:562019-09-10 11:24:53You need to calm down!
It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC. It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.
They both need to learn to SHUT UP! When you have an argument with someone in your workplace, the worst thing you can do is tell everyone else what happened, who said what, who did what etc.
This seems to be the pattern for both Conan and NBC. Both are thinking they are getting good press for what they are saying in the public.
Both are wrong. Sadly, they both look juvenile, and I will have a hard time supporting either in the future.
Learn from the mistakes of others. When something is going wrong, keep your mouth shut. If you need to discuss what is going on, be very careful about who you chat with (they likely will chat with someone else), and what you say. Take your frustrations to your family, or someone in HR, but not to a coworker, or coworkers!
If either of them had taken the high road, I would have supported them. In the workplace, I don’t need to take sides, but it would be hard to support someone who was so obviously childish and unprofessional.
Take my advice and keep the information out of the workplace setting. You will make the situation far worse. I would rather regret that I didn’t say anything than regret telling everyone everything.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2010-01-21 14:53:572013-01-04 07:13:21What can we learn from Conan and NBC?
I am not a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.
There are several approaches to dealing with negativity, and while none of them are easy, they are simple to do without compromising your credibility at work.
I’ll share my favourite approach today. Try to do this for the next 30 days. It won’t be easy.
Turn every negative statement they say into a positive one.
Them: “It’s too cold outside”
You: “I love my sweater and I can’t wear it in the summer. The cold allows me to wear it and I like that”
Them: “This company takes advantage of us all the time”
You: “I’m glad I have a job”
Them: “Bob the Boss is such a jerk don’t you think?”
You: “I’ve heard horror stories, so put into perspective, I can deal with Bob”
You don’t actually have to believe what you are saying; you just have to say the positive version of what your difficult person is saying. You may think that Bob the Boss is a jerk too, but if you agree with their negativity, you are actually encouraging them to be negative more often.
You must be 100% consistent with this approach though. Always take their negativity and make it positive. This will exhaust you. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.
This won’t make them a positive person. It just makes them take their negativity elsewhere.
That’s OK with me 🙂
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2009-12-10 15:23:562013-01-04 07:14:16Dealing with Negativity
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A recent comment from one of my friends caught me off guard, but got me thinking. She said, with a rather accusatory tone, “I bet you actually like the people you work with. Everyone in my company is so difficult!” After chuckling a bit and regaining my composure, I had to admit it: I do like the people in my company—every single one of them. I knew that I was lucky to work in a place where people really care about the work and each other, but this was a great reminder of that incredible fact.
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It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC. It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.
t a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.
