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3 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them

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by Amy Gallo

 

In every workplace, there are people — many of whom have earned respect and positions of power — who behave in ways that are thoughtless, ambiguous, irrational, and even sometimes downright malicious.

It can be challenging to know exactly how to work with people who act like this. Odds are, no one has sat you down and said, “Here’s how you push back on an aggressive know-it-all,” or “Try this approach for dealing with an incessant naysayer.” You likely never took a class on handling a colleague who plays dirty office politics or had a mentor share advice on what to do if you find yourself working for an incompetent boss.

However, when we don’t address these small conflicts with our coworkers, the stress can affect our productivity, make work miserable, and even bleed into other aspects of our lives. That’s why it’s important to learn why challenging colleagues behave the way they do, master tactics for dealing with their most difficult traits, and ultimately decide when to persist in our efforts or to walk away.

Building a relationship with a difficult colleague may seem hard, but it’s a skill you can learn. Here are three common archetypes of difficult coworkers, the behaviors they often exhibit, and how you can manage your relationship with them.

The Pessimist 

What it looks like:

The more Simran allowed her colleague Theresa to vent her concerns about the company and her life, the more time Theresa spent complaining to her. Theresa couldn’t seem to find anything positive to say — ever — and even seemed to enjoy coming up with all the different ways a project or initiative could fail. For Simran, Theresa’s griping was becoming a physical and psychological drain.

Why it happens:

There are a lot of reasons why pessimists think and behave the way they do. A pessimist could be motivated by anxiety, a desire for power, or resentment for how they’ve been treated in the past. Still, some might have legitimate reasons for being negative. For example, during the launch of a new product, they may articulate risks related to getting customers to buy into the new idea, or point out workplace issues that most people are refusing to acknowledge or notice.

Regardless of why a pessimist acts the way they do, it’s important to find ways to work productively with this person. After all, negative attitudes can be contagious, infecting not just you but the whole team.

Tactics to try:

  • Acknowledge their complaints; then reframe them. For instance, if the pessimist grumbles that another team member is lazy, say something like, “It’s a busy time for everyone. I bet they’re doing more than we can see.” Don’t be patronizing, or mean, but present an alternative view. You can also ask your colleague to be constructive. For example, you could say, “I can see why you’re frustrated. Do you think there’s anything we can do?” Or “What could we try next time?” The goal is to increase the cynic’s sense of agency by pointing out actions they can take, or even telling a story of a time when you encountered similar circumstances and responded productively.
  • Use their outlook as a positive tool. If your colleague is a natural at pointing out risks, perhaps that can be part of their formal role. You’ve undoubtedly heard the advice to appoint a “devil’s advocate” who is tasked with raising difficult questions and challenging a group’s thinking. Research shows that giving at least one person the right to push back in this way leads to better decision making for the team as a whole. If you’re their manager, you can ask them to play this role. If you’re not, consider seeking out your colleague’s perspective when you need a more critical eye on a project you’re working on or a decision you’re making.
  • Agree to team norms. Although singling people out is sometimes counterproductive, you can set norms for the whole team that will nudge a killjoy in the right direction. For example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?” You might also agree that criticism should be accompanied by a suggestion of what to do instead.

Some phrases to use with a pessimist:

  • “What would need to be true for us to succeed?”
  • “If you’re unhappy with (person, leader, project), let’s discuss what steps you can take to change the situation. I have some ideas but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.”
  • “There’s a part of me that agrees with you that this might not work. And another part of me thinks it will. Let’s tease out both perspectives.”
  • “You’re good at identifying the downsides. What might we be missing here?”

The Passive-Aggressive Peer

What it looks like:

Malik was at his wit’s end with his coworker, Susan, who would act like she was on board with a decision in a meeting, but then drop the ball and deflect the blame toward him. Susan would often say one thing but do another, display negative body language but insist everything was “fine,” and make insults that sounded like compliments.

Why it happens:

Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who studies interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive aggression as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings. Often, it’s driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a feeling of powerlessness.

Tactics to try:

  • Avoid labeling them as passive-aggressive. It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying, “stop being so passive aggressive,” will only make things worse. It’s a loaded phrase, and it’s rare that someone would be willing to acknowledge or own up to such behavior. More likely, calling them out will only make them angrier and more defensive. Instead, try using strategies that help you understand their perspective better.
  • Focus on the underlying message, not their behavior. Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals? Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you may be able to address the actual problem.
  • Create a safe environment for an honest conversation. Social psychologist Heidi Grant told me in an interview for my book, Getting Along, that the best tactic is making clear that you’re interested to show interest in the other person’s perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear. You might say, “I heard your views during the meeting and interpreted it as…did I get it right?” The advantage to opening up a conversation is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.

Some phrases to use with a passive-aggressive peer:

  • “I heard you say [quick summary] but I wasn’t sure if you meant something else. Is there something I’m not understanding?”
  • “I noticed that you pushed away from the table (or rolled your eyes). What’s your reaction to this discussion?”
  • “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry but just want to be sure everything’s OK.”

The Know-It-All

What it looks like:

Lucia’s colleague Ray loved to talk. If people tried to interrupt him, he just raised his voice and spoke over them. Lucia interpreted his diatribes as Ray saying, “I know what the team and company needs and everyone else should just listen.” Ray seemed convinced that he was the smartest person in the room, and he loved telling people what was “right,” even when he was clearly wrong.

Why it happens:

Confidence can be a good thing, but confidence without competence can cause people to ignore feedback, act condescendingly, and take credit for group successes. Some know-it-alls have adopted this demeanor to compensate for feelings of insecurity. For others, the behavior has been encouraged by corporate norms. Either way, they can undermine team cohesiveness and demean you to the point of damaging your career.

Tactics to try:

  • Address interruptions. One way to avoid interruptions is to preemptively request that people refrain from interjecting. Before you start talking, explain how much time (roughly) you’re going to need and say something like, “Please hold any comments or questions until I’m done.” If you’re not making a formal presentation but are just having a discussion where some back and forth is expected, you might say instead, “Interruptions break my concentration so I’d appreciate it if I could finish my thoughts before you jump in.” If your efforts to preempt interruptions fail, address them directly. But don’t just raise your voice. That sets up a power struggle and your colleague is likely to talk louder in an attempt to drown you out. Instead, confidently say, “I’m going to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
  • Ask for specific facts. Another habit of the know-it-all is to proclaim things they have no way of knowing for sure, like “In a year, no one will even be talking about this recession.” When this happens, understand that it’s okay to ask people for sources or data that back up their declarations. Be respectful, not confrontational. You might say something like, “I’m not sure we’re working with the same assumptions and facts. Let’s step back and take a look at the data before we proceed.” If you don’t have data, you might even suggest you all gather some. For instance, if your colleague insists that customers will hate a new product feature, is it feasible to run a short customer survey?
  • Model humility. Many show-offs act the way they do because implicitly or explicitly they’ve received messages that projecting confidence is what’s expected on your team, in your organization, or in the culture they’re from. You can provide a different model by displaying humility and open-mindedness. Try saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have that information right now, let me get back to you.” If the know-it-all sees that you suffer no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they may be willing to do the same.

Some phrases to use with a know-it-all:

  • “I’d appreciate it if you would respect that I know what I’m doing. I value your input and I’ll definitely ask for it when I need it.”
  • “Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”
  • “I’m going to continue, and I’ll address that when I’m done.”
  • “Tell me about where your insights are coming from.”

. . .

Much of the advice here requires you to be “the adult in the room.” And you may be wondering why you should do all the work if your colleague is the one causing the problems. Truthfully, it’s not on you to change another person’s behavior, and oftentimes, you can’t. What you can change is your approach to navigating relationships that are critical in your work life. You may notice that sometimes trying something new, even something small, can shift the dynamic between you and a coworker who gets under your skin. Hopefully, with this advice, you’ll be able to more easily put work conflict in its place, freeing up valuable time and mental capacity for the things that really matter to you.

3 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them

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by Amy Gallo

 

In every workplace, there are people — many of whom have earned respect and positions of power — who behave in ways that are thoughtless, ambiguous, irrational, and even sometimes downright malicious.

It can be challenging to know exactly how to work with people who act like this. Odds are, no one has sat you down and said, “Here’s how you push back on an aggressive know-it-all,” or “Try this approach for dealing with an incessant naysayer.” You likely never took a class on handling a colleague who plays dirty office politics or had a mentor share advice on what to do if you find yourself working for an incompetent boss.

However, when we don’t address these small conflicts with our coworkers, the stress can affect our productivity, make work miserable, and even bleed into other aspects of our lives. That’s why it’s important to learn why challenging colleagues behave the way they do, master tactics for dealing with their most difficult traits, and ultimately decide when to persist in our efforts or to walk away.

Building a relationship with a difficult colleague may seem hard, but it’s a skill you can learn. Here are three common archetypes of difficult coworkers, the behaviors they often exhibit, and how you can manage your relationship with them.

The Pessimist 

What it looks like:

The more Simran allowed her colleague Theresa to vent her concerns about the company and her life, the more time Theresa spent complaining to her. Theresa couldn’t seem to find anything positive to say — ever — and even seemed to enjoy coming up with all the different ways a project or initiative could fail. For Simran, Theresa’s griping was becoming a physical and psychological drain.

Why it happens:

There are a lot of reasons why pessimists think and behave the way they do. A pessimist could be motivated by anxiety, a desire for power, or resentment for how they’ve been treated in the past. Still, some might have legitimate reasons for being negative. For example, during the launch of a new product, they may articulate risks related to getting customers to buy into the new idea, or point out workplace issues that most people are refusing to acknowledge or notice.

Regardless of why a pessimist acts the way they do, it’s important to find ways to work productively with this person. After all, negative attitudes can be contagious, infecting not just you but the whole team.

Tactics to try:

  • Acknowledge their complaints; then reframe them. For instance, if the pessimist grumbles that another team member is lazy, say something like, “It’s a busy time for everyone. I bet they’re doing more than we can see.” Don’t be patronizing, or mean, but present an alternative view. You can also ask your colleague to be constructive. For example, you could say, “I can see why you’re frustrated. Do you think there’s anything we can do?” Or “What could we try next time?” The goal is to increase the cynic’s sense of agency by pointing out actions they can take, or even telling a story of a time when you encountered similar circumstances and responded productively.
  • Use their outlook as a positive tool. If your colleague is a natural at pointing out risks, perhaps that can be part of their formal role. You’ve undoubtedly heard the advice to appoint a “devil’s advocate” who is tasked with raising difficult questions and challenging a group’s thinking. Research shows that giving at least one person the right to push back in this way leads to better decision making for the team as a whole. If you’re their manager, you can ask them to play this role. If you’re not, consider seeking out your colleague’s perspective when you need a more critical eye on a project you’re working on or a decision you’re making.
  • Agree to team norms. Although singling people out is sometimes counterproductive, you can set norms for the whole team that will nudge a killjoy in the right direction. For example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?” You might also agree that criticism should be accompanied by a suggestion of what to do instead.

Some phrases to use with a pessimist:

  • “What would need to be true for us to succeed?”
  • “If you’re unhappy with (person, leader, project), let’s discuss what steps you can take to change the situation. I have some ideas but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.”
  • “There’s a part of me that agrees with you that this might not work. And another part of me thinks it will. Let’s tease out both perspectives.”
  • “You’re good at identifying the downsides. What might we be missing here?”

The Passive-Aggressive Peer

What it looks like:

Malik was at his wit’s end with his coworker, Susan, who would act like she was on board with a decision in a meeting, but then drop the ball and deflect the blame toward him. Susan would often say one thing but do another, display negative body language but insist everything was “fine,” and make insults that sounded like compliments.

Why it happens:

Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who studies interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive aggression as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings. Often, it’s driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a feeling of powerlessness.

Tactics to try:

  • Avoid labeling them as passive-aggressive. It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying, “stop being so passive aggressive,” will only make things worse. It’s a loaded phrase, and it’s rare that someone would be willing to acknowledge or own up to such behavior. More likely, calling them out will only make them angrier and more defensive. Instead, try using strategies that help you understand their perspective better.
  • Focus on the underlying message, not their behavior. Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals? Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you may be able to address the actual problem.
  • Create a safe environment for an honest conversation. Social psychologist Heidi Grant told me in an interview for my book, Getting Along, that the best tactic is making clear that you’re interested to show interest in the other person’s perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear. You might say, “I heard your views during the meeting and interpreted it as…did I get it right?” The advantage to opening up a conversation is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.

Some phrases to use with a passive-aggressive peer:

  • “I heard you say [quick summary] but I wasn’t sure if you meant something else. Is there something I’m not understanding?”
  • “I noticed that you pushed away from the table (or rolled your eyes). What’s your reaction to this discussion?”
  • “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry but just want to be sure everything’s OK.”

The Know-It-All

What it looks like:

Lucia’s colleague Ray loved to talk. If people tried to interrupt him, he just raised his voice and spoke over them. Lucia interpreted his diatribes as Ray saying, “I know what the team and company needs and everyone else should just listen.” Ray seemed convinced that he was the smartest person in the room, and he loved telling people what was “right,” even when he was clearly wrong.

Why it happens:

Confidence can be a good thing, but confidence without competence can cause people to ignore feedback, act condescendingly, and take credit for group successes. Some know-it-alls have adopted this demeanor to compensate for feelings of insecurity. For others, the behavior has been encouraged by corporate norms. Either way, they can undermine team cohesiveness and demean you to the point of damaging your career.

Tactics to try:

  • Address interruptions. One way to avoid interruptions is to preemptively request that people refrain from interjecting. Before you start talking, explain how much time (roughly) you’re going to need and say something like, “Please hold any comments or questions until I’m done.” If you’re not making a formal presentation but are just having a discussion where some back and forth is expected, you might say instead, “Interruptions break my concentration so I’d appreciate it if I could finish my thoughts before you jump in.” If your efforts to preempt interruptions fail, address them directly. But don’t just raise your voice. That sets up a power struggle and your colleague is likely to talk louder in an attempt to drown you out. Instead, confidently say, “I’m going to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
  • Ask for specific facts. Another habit of the know-it-all is to proclaim things they have no way of knowing for sure, like “In a year, no one will even be talking about this recession.” When this happens, understand that it’s okay to ask people for sources or data that back up their declarations. Be respectful, not confrontational. You might say something like, “I’m not sure we’re working with the same assumptions and facts. Let’s step back and take a look at the data before we proceed.” If you don’t have data, you might even suggest you all gather some. For instance, if your colleague insists that customers will hate a new product feature, is it feasible to run a short customer survey?
  • Model humility. Many show-offs act the way they do because implicitly or explicitly they’ve received messages that projecting confidence is what’s expected on your team, in your organization, or in the culture they’re from. You can provide a different model by displaying humility and open-mindedness. Try saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have that information right now, let me get back to you.” If the know-it-all sees that you suffer no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they may be willing to do the same.

Some phrases to use with a know-it-all:

  • “I’d appreciate it if you would respect that I know what I’m doing. I value your input and I’ll definitely ask for it when I need it.”
  • “Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”
  • “I’m going to continue, and I’ll address that when I’m done.”
  • “Tell me about where your insights are coming from.”

. . .

Much of the advice here requires you to be “the adult in the room.” And you may be wondering why you should do all the work if your colleague is the one causing the problems. Truthfully, it’s not on you to change another person’s behavior, and oftentimes, you can’t. What you can change is your approach to navigating relationships that are critical in your work life. You may notice that sometimes trying something new, even something small, can shift the dynamic between you and a coworker who gets under your skin. Hopefully, with this advice, you’ll be able to more easily put work conflict in its place, freeing up valuable time and mental capacity for the things that really matter to you.

12 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Co-Worker

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Written By:

Jamie Birt

Jamie Birt is a career coach with 6+ years of experience helping job seekers navigate the job search through one-to-one coaching, webinars and events. Currently based in Austin, she started her career working for Big Brothers and Big Sisters Chicago, creating match relationships and supporting 100+ children for over 3 years.

 

Almost everyone has to work with a challenging co-worker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and co-workers you enjoy.

In this article, we discuss the importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker and list 12 ways you can deal with a difficult co-worker.

The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker

Knowing how to deal with a difficult co-worker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.

How to deal with a difficult co-worker

Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult co-worker:

1. Learn to voice your thoughts.

If your co-worker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:

  • “I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”

  • “I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”

  • “I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”

Related: Handling Workplace Conflict (With Interview Questions)

2. Get to know their perspective.

Sometimes getting to know your challenging co-worker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of view. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.

 

3. Focus on your positive relationships.

Rather than dwelling on this co-worker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other co-workers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite co-workers to do something fun outside of work.

Related: 8 Ways To Build Workplace Relationships

4. Talk to your supervisor.

When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this co-worker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.

Related: 13 Key Functions of a Human Resources Department

5. Accept their personality.

You may find that this co-worker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.

Related: 10 Workplace Personalities (And How To Work With Each)

6. Stay neutral at work.

If other co-workers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.

Related: 10 Tips for How To Get Along With Coworkers

7. Limit your interactions.

Limiting the amount of time you spend with this co-worker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by co-workers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle to be mindful of their feelings.

Related: How To Communicate Effectively With a Difficult Team

8. Be a better person.

Even if this person acts unprofessionally, you must have the skills to be a better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.

9. Know your trigger points.

Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus on directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.

Related: How To Deal With Coworkers in 10 Steps

10. Focus on the positive.

Though it may be easy to focus on this co-worker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other co-workers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.

11. Reflect on your own actions.

While thinking about this co-worker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.

Related: Interview Question: “How Would Your Co-Workers Describe You?” (With Examples)

12. Show compassion.

Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your co-worker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.

Dealing With Difficult People at Work

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From Dealing With Difficult People by Dennis Higashiguchi

https://affordablequalitycounseling.com/

In the workplace, as in the rest of our lives, there are people that are difficult to communicate with in order to solve problems, resolve conflicts or negotiate solutions. Some difficulties arise purely because of changing business factors, such as mergers, downsizing or changing economic conditions. Other human factors, like diversity issues, pace of technological change and general conflict around employee workers’ rights, may create additional stresses to accommodate.

The source of many personality clashes and conflict can be attributed to our inability to deal effectively with difficult people. These conflicts can be as simple as differing individual work or personal habits, or family and personal pressures. They can be as complex as a general negativity, feeling threatened or competitive, or a lack of validation, personal prejudices, bias or judgments of others. However, Dr. Paul Standal finds that a lack of awareness and an inability to communicate effectively with difficult people exacerbate personality clashes and are, by far, the greatest contributor to workplace stress and employee disability and turnover.

Everyone is confronted by co-workers, whether supervisors or subordinates, who drive us nuts and who contribute significantly to our work stress. We are constantly trying to manage them through differing styles of conflict resolution and negotiation, like avoidance, accommodation, collaboration or confrontation.

In a book that has become a classic, Coping with Difficult People, Robert Bramson identifies about a dozen different types of difficult people, based on thirty years of experience in working with public and private organizations.

Dealing With Common Types of Difficult People

Below are some suggestions for dealing with varying types of difficult people:

The hostile-aggressive type of people are divided up into the “Sherman tanks,” the “snipers,” and the “exploders,” who carry a lot of anger and/or frustration into the workspace. They are unable to or have difficulty collaborating and cannot listen or compromise.

The Steamroller/Sherman Tank Types

If the issue is not particularly important to you, your best bet is probably to avoid or accommodate. Give the person a wide berth, or give in to small things to calm the person down. If you choose another course, it’s a good idea to begin by letting the person blow off steam. Then calmly and surely present your point of view.

The Undercover Attacker/Sniper Type

If you decide that avoidance or learning to live with these attacks is not for you, the best way to deal with this type of person is to surface the attack and then to get to the underlying reasons. Let the attacker know you are onto him by saying something like, “Was that meant as a put-down?” If the undercover attacker tries to deny it, present your evidence.

The Angry Child Exploder

The first principle to use to avoid escalating things further (unless you decide to walk away from all of this) is to let the person finish yelling and screaming, until he or she has finished venting the burst of emotion. Or reassure the person that you are listening and are ready to be responsive to calm him. The idea is to help the person feel he is still in control, while calming him down. Then, when the person is calm again, just act like the person is an ordinary, reasonable person, as if the tantrum incident never happened.

The Complainers:
Who Always Have Something to Gripe About

The key to dealing with the complainer is to begin by listening. It doesn’t matter whether the complaints seem true or unfounded. The complainer wants desperately to be heard. You should acknowledge or validate the complainer by showing that you have understood what he is saying, perhaps by repeating in other words a capsule description of what he has said. Then, once the complainer has poured out his basic complaint, seek some closure. Try to shift the person into a problem-solving mode.

The Quiet Clams and Silent Types:
Who are Silent and Unresponsive

The key to resolving a conflict, unless you want to avoid the issue entirely, is to get the person to open up. You might ask some open-ended questions, inviting more than a yes, no, or nod response. Keep probing or encouraging the person to speak, and even acknowledge that it may be difficult for the person to share his feelings. Show that you are willing to be supportive and empathic, no matter what the person says. When the time comes, provide positive reinforcement. Show you appreciate that the person is talking to you, whether or not you agree or like what the person is saying.

The Naysayers and Perennial Pessimists:
Who Find a Reason Why Anything Suggested Won’t Work

Help the person feel more in control by showing him the ways in which he does have some ability to change what he doesn’t like, or to prevent things from going wrong and show there is another point of view, and describe realistic alternatives. If you can, use specific examples of past successes under similar circumstances, or at least offer your optimistic view that something can still be done. If you see the negative person is strongly invested in his position that things won’t work, it may be better not to argue.

The Super-Agreeable: 
Who Eagerly Say Yes to Just About Everything and
Appear to Offer You Support but Seldom or Never Follow Through

Assuming you think it is worthwhile to continue relating to this person, the key to resolving the conflict is to show that you really do want the person to be truthful. Insist that you want to know what the person really thinks, and only want the person to do what he really can or will do. You want to emphasize what bothers you is not whether the person agrees to things or not, but the person’s lack of follow-through on what he or she does agree to do.

The Know-It-All Experts:
Who Act Superior to Everyone Else Because They Think They
Know Everything and Want Everyone Else to Know It

The first step is to recognize this is happening. Don’t let yourself get sucked into this person’s view of the world or a particular situation. Try to find out what underlying factors are causing the person to act or think like this. Wait for an interlude when things are calm. Validate, but, at the same time, assertively give the person your position based on fact. Aim for a time between incidents when you can broach the topic.

The Indecisive and Stallers:
People Who Have Trouble Making Decisions Because
They are Afraid of Being Wrong or Not Perfect

One approach is simply to take a more forceful position yourself (i.e. the competitive approach), and assert the decision you want. Let the indecisive feel comfortable with your control, or even feel as if he or she contributed to the process. You need to find out why the indecisive is hesitating so you can get rid of his block. Show you are supportive and won’t be hurt by whatever the indecisive decides.

Other Common Behavioral Types

The Perfectionist:
People Who are Overly Compulsive

They obsess over a project and never feel they (or you) have done it right enough. They drive themselves and others around them nuts and projects take much longer to complete or are never finished.

The Innocent Liar:
Who Avoid Responsibility or Undermine Others Through Denial

These people are particularly toxic because of their gossip and back stabbing.

The Resentful Altruist:
The “Look Gooders” Who Feel Victimized and
Resentful Underlying Anything They Do

They will take on way too much and then use this to justify their misery.

You can probably think of many other people with personality styles that make them difficult to deal with.

General Principles for Dealing with Difficult People

  1. Work through the emotional charges triggered by a difficult person.
  2. Try not to take the other person’s behavior personally.
  3. Notice if you are finding this person difficult because he or she reminds you of someone with whom you had bad experiences in the past.
  4. Use creative visualization, affirmations, or other calming techniques to let the other person release some of his or her emotions.
  5. Use communication or listening techniques to let the other person release some of his or her emotions.
  6. If you are becoming emotionally upset because you are picking up the difficult person’s particular way of viewing the world, notice when you are doing this so you can stop yourself.
  7. Think about why the difficult person is being difficult, what the difficult person may need or want that is leading him or her to be difficult.
  8. Overcome the responsibility trap with a difficult person.
  9. Move away from a discussion about the past, and more towards one concerning the future, in order to emphasize the need to look past the causes and towards solutions.

Use Communication to Get to the Root of the Difficulty

  1. Pay attention to non-verbal cues that suggest a discrepancy between what the speaker is thinking or feeling and what he or she is saying.
  2. Watch for hidden or wrong assumptions—your own or the other person’s.
  3. Work toward open channels of communication.
  4. Avoid uncertainty.
  5. Learn to listen well.
  6. Express your own feelings and needs in a non-threatening way, using “I statements.”

Finally, it is important to be flexible in your style of communication and conflict resolution, depending on the style of the difficult person you are dealing with, the situation to be dealt with and your investment in the outcome. Like learning several dance steps, being able to choose from various conflict and negotiation styles of communication to suit the situation is the best and most effective way to deal with difficult people.

The Competitive Style

You strive primarily to satisfy your concerns at the expense of others by forcing people to do it your way, arguing and pulling rank. This can be a good style to use if:

  • The issue is very important to you, and you have a big stake in getting your way.
  • You have authority to make the decision, and it seems clear that this is the best way.
  • A decision has to be made quickly, and you have the power to do so.
  • You feel you have no other options and you have nothing to lose.
  • You are in an emergency situation where immediate, decisive action is necessary.
  • You can’t get a group to agree, feel you are at an impasse, and someone must get the group to move ahead.

The Avoidant Style

  • You know you can’t and probably won’t win in the conflict.
  • You want to buy more time.
  • The situation is complex and difficult to change, so you feel tackling it will just be a wasted effort.
  • You feel that others have a better chance of resolving the situation.
  • There’s danger in trying to deal with the situation at the moment.

The Collaborative Style

  • When both you and the other party are aware of the problem and are clear about what you want.
  • When both you and the other party are willing to put some thought and work into finding a solution.
  • When you both have the skills to articulate your concerns and to listen to what others have to say.
  • When you and others in the conflict have a similar amount of power.

The Compromising Style

You give up a little bit of what you want to get the rest of what you want, and the other parties in the conflict do the same

This is a good style to use:

  • When you have the same amount of power as someone else and you are both committed to mutually exclusive goals.
  • When you want to achieve resolution quickly, because of time pressures or because it’s more economical and efficient that way.
  • When you can settle for a temporary resolution.
  • When you will benefit from a short-term gain.
  • When you haven’t been able to work out a solution through either collaboration or the more competitive/forceful approach.
  • When the goals are not extremely important to you.

From Dealing With Difficult People by Dennis Higashiguchi

How to Deal with Difficult People: 5 Steps to Keep You Sane

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BY LIZZ SCHUMER

The coworker who always has to one-up everyone else. That friend who’s consistently 30 or more minutes late to every happy hour. Those relatives who never have anything positive to say about anyone (including each other). We all have difficult personalities to deal with, but how you handle them can make or break those relationships.

We asked experts to share the best way to approach these challenging types, and two overarching themes rose to the top: Intention and compassion. Spending a little time planning out what you want to say, goes a long way to setting both of you up for success. And especially if your last nerve has been stretched thinner than a New York-style pizza, it’s important to realize that the person who’s getting on it deserves respect too. “You can have compassion for somebody and expect them to do better. Those things are not mutually exclusive,” explains Julie Fogh, co-founder of speech and communications company Vital Voice Training.

Here are tried-and-true techniques for dealing with difficult people straight from the experts, without making those interactions even more difficult than they need to be.

First, devise a game plan.

Before you talk to someone who really grinds your gears, identify your reasons for speaking out. Do you just want to get your frustration off your chest, or do you hope the other person will change something about their behavior? “Setting intentions can really change whether the communication will land or not,” Fogh explains.

The way you engage in the conversation can make a difference in how it goes, too. “You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, M.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.

People who irritate us often have something to show us about ourselves, according to Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. Maybe your chronically late friend makes you realize how often you’re running a little behind, or you secretly wish you could be as laid-back as the coworker who never carries her weight. Taking a good, hard look at your own behavior and what motivates your frustration can take away some of its power, and even keep you from flying off the handle when you do have the discussion.

“If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control.

Keep it all in perspective.

“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.” Remember: Chances are, you’re someone else’s “difficult person.”

To keep your cool, relationship and life coach Chuck Rockey suggests remembering that behind every complaint, there’s a desire. Sometimes, asking that person who won’t stop bellyaching what they really want can give you some valuable insight.

When dealing with a difficult personality, try to really focus on the person and let them know they’re seen and heard, adds Vital Voice Training co-founder Casey Erin Clark. “It’s an incredibly disarming thing, especially if you’re feeling upset. Not managing their emotions, but just saying I can see you,” she says. It’s easy to get so focused on what you want to tell someone, that you stop listening to what they bring to the table. Instead, actively focus on the person in front of you.

Choose your approach.

Armed with your insights, you need to decide how to confront the person. Rockey emphasizes the importance of treating the other person with respect and keeping yourself from getting defensive. That will just escalate the conversation, and yelling never solves anything. While there’s often no good time for this kind of chat, try to pick a time when neither of you are engaged in a stressful project. And never confront your annoying coworker in front of others unless you need a mediator for your own safety.

“It’s important to realize that it’s your perception that the person isn’t listening or communicating well. The other person may not view the situation the same way,” explains executive coach, social worker, and human behavior professor Melody J. Wilding, LMSW. “Make sure that you’re carrying yourself in a way that commands respect. I find that many people unknowingly undermine themselves when they speak by over-apologizing and using qualifiers.”

Women, in particular, tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations and talk around the issue instead of facing it head-on. Fogh and Clark point out that we often go out of our way to avoid making someone else uncomfortable. But one awkward conversation can prevent lots of consternation down the road. It can help to focus on the issue, not the person’s character. That centers the conversation on a problem you can work together to solve, instead of coming off as an attack.

Know when to call it.

Part of figuring out how to handle difficult people is knowing when a discussion has gone from productive to toxic. “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” Fogh and Clark also recommend knowing your own body’s warning signs. Some people freeze up when they start losing control of a conversation. Others get butterflies or start feeling hot around the collar. When that happens and you can’t have a dispassionate discussion, it’s time to walk away and try again another time.

Resist the urge to get into the blame game. “I think often the place where conversations go off the rails is when someone puts intentions on an action,” Clark says. Then, you end up arguing over what each person meant, rather than what actually went down. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.'”

Decide when to drop the issue.

There’s a difference between behavior that meaningfully impacts your ability to live or work with someone and a personality quirk that drives you batty, but won’t ruin your life. “When difficult coworkers cross the line into bullying, it’s time to raise the issue to management or even human resources,” Wilding notes. If the issue impacts your reputation or your ability to do your job, then it’s time to escalate. But sometimes, you’ve got to live and let live.

Sometimes, power dynamics prevent us from solving communication issues or our workplaces are entrenched in systems designed to keep them from getting resolved. “The reality of the world of communication is that certain people can behave in ways that other people can’t get away with,” Fogh adds. “Women and people of color have different expectations of how they’re allowed to show up in the world. And those communication choices are not always going to land. They’re not always going to be appropriate. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess this up. But it’s the act of choosing that is empowerment.”

How to deal with difficult coworkers and still be professional

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By Shonna Waters, PhD

Vice President of Alliance Solutions

 

Everyone has a story about a difficult coworker.

There’s always someone who never shows up on time, who borrows your favorite pen and never gives it back, or is regularly rude to you.

In small doses, this behavior is tolerable. Everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day. But if it happens daily, their conduct becomes a pattern. Over time, however, this kind of difficult coworker can lower your job satisfaction and impact your overall well-being.

Some studies even show that difficult coworkers can lead employees to leave their companies.

So how can you deal with difficult coworkers? First, remember that managing these relationships is a vital part of office politics. Frustrated outbursts and angry behavior will only harm your career and contribute to a toxic workplace.

To keep your career on track and find some peace at work, use these 8 tips for how to deal with a difficult coworker. You’ll be on your way to maintaining a healthy and harmonious work environment before you know it.

Why is knowing how to deal with difficult coworkers important?

In every area of life, you’re bound to meet someone that you find challenging to be around. The workplace is no exception. The difference is that while you might be able to snub someone at the supermarket, doing so at work could have an impact on your career.

Retaliation against a mean coworker might seem satisfying at the moment. However, it’s worth thinking twice about. One passive-aggressive remark can turn into full-blown hostility. This can only make life more stressful than before.

This kind of conflict can also ruin your relationship with your other coworkers. They likely won’t recognize that you are simply defending yourself by lashing out. Instead, you could be seen as another difficult person in the office.

If you retaliate, you could also contribute to normalizing toxic behavior at work. This could eventually erode any positive culture that currently exists. That’s not an ideal outcome if your goal was to improve your quality of life.

Dealing with a difficult coworker is a delicate matter. You have a right to a peaceful work environment and a right to speak up for yourself. However, the workplace makes addressing your coworker a little complicated. The good news? You can learn exactly what steps you need to take to improve your work life.

 

Before anything, check in with yourself

Before risking a potential conflict, take a moment to examine your feelings. Why does this person bother you so much? You should discern if you’re dealing with a coworker who is uncooperative, lazy, or downright mean.

We often dislike individuals because they remind us of someone from our past or have qualities we dislike in ourselves. Naming these feelings might be enough to diffuse your frustration.

Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts into words and channel your negative emotions elsewhere. You can also try talking it out with a professional. BetterUp, for example, can help you navigate these workplace relationships by providing objective guidance.

It’s also worth examining your own behavior. Think back on whether you’ve been rude or if you might’ve done something to instigate this situation. Remember, at the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. What can you do to improve things now, instead of waiting for someone else to change?

The different types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them

There are many constructive ways to deal with a difficult colleague, but the strategies vary depending on the person. Here are 5 common types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them.

1. The sloth

This person is generally considered a slacker. They complete their work, but only just, and they thrive on doing the bare minimum. They’re often slow, working up to the deadline when they could easily finish right away.

The sloth is particularly frustrating if your own work depends on theirs.

Solution: First of all, be kind and respectful. Speak to them privately. Ask about the ETA for their work and politely push for an explanation. They might have personal issues you don’t know about. If they don’t appear to have a good reason, tell them how their tardiness affects your work, as this might be the kick they need to work faster.

Track your attempts at addressing this difficult situation. If you fail on several occasions, your manager or human resources department can help with conflict resolution.

2. The bellyacher

Look, we all need to blow off steam sometimes. But it can be exhausting when a colleague never stops complaining. These types of coworkers dwell on problems and rarely offer solutions. After a while, the negativity can be grating. It can even make you more unhappy with your job over time, even if you truly enjoy it.

Solution: Try acknowledging your difficult coworker’s complaints and subtly moving the conversation elsewhere. You can also ask them to pitch a solution. Remind them that nothing will change unless someone takes action. Since they seem passionate about the issue, why not them?

Another way to surprise the bellyacher is to offer a contrasting opinion. Continuing to be kind and respectful, you can simply say, “I actually enjoyed that meeting.” If you don’t echo their complaints, this difficult coworker will likely get bored and move onto the next person.

3. The center of attention

Some people love the spotlight but don’t like working for it. This person will often take credit for other people’s achievements. Usually, this behavior masks their underlying insecurities.

Solution: This is a case where it’s more productive to focus on yourself. Keep a list of your accomplishments and share it with your manager to help them recognize your work before someone else takes credit for it.

4. The hotshot

You might have a team member who fancies themself a know-it-all. They’re loud in meetings, rarely accept criticism, and make reckless decisions. These people like to steamroll over other people’s ideas.

Solution: This might be difficult, but try asking for their advice on a problem. This shows you’re willing to have a positive relationship. They may learn to trust you and be more inclined to hear your ideas.

If that doesn’t work, be direct. Explain that you don’t feel heard. Maybe this person doesn’t know their behavior is harming people.

5. The gossip

There’s such a thing as innocent office gossip, but sometimes, it can go too far. This person talks behind people’s backs and spreads unverified rumors. Anyone who remembers high school knows how this behavior can cause harm. Put-downs and gossip have no place in a workplace.

Solution: Don’t participate. When the conversation turns negative, simply leave and don’t repeat the rumors. You can also try changing the subject. If someone is spreading particularly harmful lies, politely ask them to stop.

How to deal with any kind of difficult coworker

Outside of the above scenarios, here are some general ways to stay sane around a difficult coworker.

1. Avoid them if you can

Some people are best in small doses. Don’t feel bad limiting your interactions with them. To avoid drama, remember to be kind and continue to engage in small talk. Don’t give them the cold shoulder — just keep your time with your difficult coworker brief.

2. Don’t let them push your buttons

Figure out why your difficult coworker bothers you so much. What behaviors are the most bothersome? What buttons do they push? When they start exhibiting those traits, you can politely excuse yourself. You can also work on coping mechanisms such as deep breathing.

3. Stay positive

Don’t let a difficult coworker burn you out. Remember why you love your job and focus on the people who bring you joy. This will help protect your mental health in the long run.

4. Don’t take it personally

A difficult coworker’s behavior isn’t your fault. Let it slide off your shoulders, and only intervene when it interferes with your actual work and professional goals.

BetterUp can help you learn how to deal with difficult coworkers and navigate these relationships. Whether you need career advice, to find better work-life balance, or help developing your career, we’ll always be in your corner.

 

How to deal with difficult people — without harming your mental health

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By Allaya Cooks-Campbell

When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.

Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.

What makes someone a difficult person?

Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.

Poor communication

They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.

Lack of empathy

Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.

Criticism

Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.

How do you spot a difficult person?

It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:

  • They insist on having everything their own way
  • They belittle you or insult you
  • They leave you out of important conversations
  • They always have an answer for everything
  • They have difficulty with emotional regulation
  • People seem to avoid them
  • They exhibit toxic traits, like being picky, bossy, or gossiping
  • They second-guess everything you say or do
  • Their private and public behavior is inconsistent
  • You don’t feel comfortable around them
  • They exhibit extreme jealousy, codependency, or other red flags in their relationships

Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.

how-to-deal-with-difficult-people-colleagues-disagreeing-around-a-laptop

How do you not let a difficult person affect you?

There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.

With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.

1. Pay attention to how you react

How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.

2. Stay calm

Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”

When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.

3. Do your own Inner Work®

Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.

For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.

How do you deal with a difficult person?

The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:

1. Listen to them

When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.

If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.

2. Get into their shoes

From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.

Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.

3. Honor both of your needs

Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.

What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.

how-to-deal-with-difficult-people-person-face-palm-at-desk

4. Use humor

Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.

5. Practice

If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.

6. When all else fails, eject

If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.

Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.

The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.

7. Create a buffer

Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.

If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.

8. Practice self-care

Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.

It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.

Difficult people at work

Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.

As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.

If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.

When to escalate a conflict to HR

While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.

You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:

  • Bullying
  • Harassment
  • Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
  • Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
  • Other coworkers
  • Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws

In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.

Final thoughts

No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.

We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.

How to deal with difficult coworkers and still be professional

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By Shonna Waters, PhD
June 3, 2022 – 12 MIN READ

Everyone has a story about a difficult coworker.

There’s always someone who never shows up on time, who borrows your favorite pen and never gives it back, or is regularly rude to you.

In small doses, this behavior is tolerable. Everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day. But if it happens daily, their conduct becomes a pattern. Over time, however, this kind of difficult coworker can lower your job satisfaction and impact your overall well-being.

Some studies even show that difficult coworkers can lead employees to leave their companies.

So how can you deal with difficult coworkers? First, remember that managing these relationships is a vital part of office politics. Frustrated outbursts and angry behavior will only harm your career and contribute to a toxic workplace.

To keep your career on track and find some peace at work, use these 8 tips for how to deal with a difficult coworker. You’ll be on your way to maintaining a healthy and harmonious work environment before you know it.

 

Why is knowing how to deal with difficult coworkers important?

In every area of life, you’re bound to meet someone that you find challenging to be around. The workplace is no exception. The difference is that while you might be able to snub someone at the supermarket, doing so at work could have an impact on your career.

Retaliation against a mean coworker might seem satisfying at the moment. However, it’s worth thinking twice about. One passive-aggressive remark can turn into full-blown hostility. This can only make life more stressful than before.

This kind of conflict can also ruin your relationship with your other coworkers. They likely won’t recognize that you are simply defending yourself by lashing out. Instead, you could be seen as another difficult person in the office.

If you retaliate, you could also contribute to normalizing toxic behavior at work. This could eventually erode any positive culture that currently exists. That’s not an ideal outcome if your goal was to improve your quality of life.

Dealing with a difficult coworker is a delicate matter. You have a right to a peaceful work environment and a right to speak up for yourself. However, the workplace makes addressing your coworker a little complicated. The good news? You can learn exactly what steps you need to take to improve your work life.

Before anything, check in with yourself

Before risking a potential conflict, take a moment to examine your feelings. Why does this person bother you so much? You should discern if you’re dealing with a coworker who is uncooperative, lazy, or downright mean.

We often dislike individuals because they remind us of someone from our past or have qualities we dislike in ourselves. Naming these feelings might be enough to diffuse your frustration.

Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts into words and channel your negative emotions elsewhere. You can also try talking it out with a professional. BetterUp, for example, can help you navigate these workplace relationships by providing objective guidance.

It’s also worth examining your own behavior. Think back on whether you’ve been rude or if you might’ve done something to instigate this situation. Remember, at the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. What can you do to improve things now, instead of waiting for someone else to change?

The different types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them

There are many constructive ways to deal with a difficult colleague, but the strategies vary depending on the person. Here are 5 common types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them.

1. The sloth

This person is generally considered a slacker. They complete their work, but only just, and they thrive on doing the bare minimum. They’re often slow, working up to the deadline when they could easily finish right away.

The sloth is particularly frustrating if your own work depends on theirs.

Solution: First of all, be kind and respectful. Speak to them privately. Ask about the ETA for their work and politely push for an explanation. They might have personal issues you don’t know about. If they don’t appear to have a good reason, tell them how their tardiness affects your work, as this might be the kick they need to work faster.

Track your attempts at addressing this difficult situation. If you fail on several occasions, your manager or human resources department can help with conflict resolution.

2. The bellyacher

Look, we all need to blow off steam sometimes. But it can be exhausting when a colleague never stops complaining. These types of coworkers dwell on problems and rarely offer solutions. After a while, the negativity can be grating. It can even make you more unhappy with your job over time, even if you truly enjoy it.

Solution: Try acknowledging your difficult coworker’s complaints and subtly moving the conversation elsewhere. You can also ask them to pitch a solution. Remind them that nothing will change unless someone takes action. Since they seem passionate about the issue, why not them?

Another way to surprise the bellyacher is to offer a contrasting opinion. Continuing to be kind and respectful, you can simply say, “I actually enjoyed that meeting.” If you don’t echo their complaints, this difficult coworker will likely get bored and move onto the next person.

3. The center of attention

Some people love the spotlight but don’t like working for it. This person will often take credit for other people’s achievements. Usually, this behavior masks their underlying insecurities.

Solution: This is a case where it’s more productive to focus on yourself. Keep a list of your accomplishments and share it with your manager to help them recognize your work before someone else takes credit for it.

4. The hotshot

You might have a team member who fancies themself a know-it-all. They’re loud in meetings, rarely accept criticism, and make reckless decisions. These people like to steamroll over other people’s ideas.

Solution: This might be difficult, but try asking for their advice on a problem. This shows you’re willing to have a positive relationship. They may learn to trust you and be more inclined to hear your ideas.

If that doesn’t work, be direct. Explain that you don’t feel heard. Maybe this person doesn’t know their behavior is harming people.

5. The gossip

There’s such a thing as innocent office gossip, but sometimes, it can go too far. This person talks behind people’s backs and spreads unverified rumors. Anyone who remembers high school knows how this behavior can cause harm. Put-downs and gossip have no place in a workplace.

Solution: Don’t participate. When the conversation turns negative, simply leave and don’t repeat the rumors. You can also try changing the subject. If someone is spreading particularly harmful lies, politely ask them to stop.

How to deal with any kind of difficult coworker

Outside of the above scenarios, here are some general ways to stay sane around a difficult coworker.

1. Avoid them if you can

Some people are best in small doses. Don’t feel bad limiting your interactions with them. To avoid drama, remember to be kind and continue to engage in small talk. Don’t give them the cold shoulder — just keep your time with your difficult coworker brief.

2. Don’t let them push your buttons

Figure out why your difficult coworker bothers you so much. What behaviors are the most bothersome? What buttons do they push? When they start exhibiting those traits, you can politely excuse yourself. You can also work on coping mechanisms such as deep breathing.

3. Stay positive

Don’t let a difficult coworker burn you out. Remember why you love your job and focus on the people who bring you joy. This will help protect your mental health in the long run.

4. Don’t take it personally

A difficult coworker’s behavior isn’t your fault. Let it slide off your shoulders, and only intervene when it interferes with your actual work and professional goals.

BetterUp can help you learn how to deal with difficult coworkers and navigate these relationships. Whether you need career advice, to find better work-life balance, or help developing your career, we’ll always be in your corner.

The Top 10 Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People At Work

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Have you ever dealt with someone you termed as difficult at your workplace? I bet you have. The term difficult people at work typically refers to people who are challenging to work with or difficult to manage. These people can be a real pain in the neck (for lack of a better word), but don’t worry, you’re not alone. Whether you are an employee, manager, HR leader, or any other significant part of an organization, you will have to deal with them at some point or another. Difficult people often generate a great deal of tension, conflict, and stress in an organization. If you’re not prepared for them, they can take a toll on your productivity. It can be tough to stand up to someone who constantly undermines your authority, which is these people’s speciality.

Difficult people at work can come in many different forms. They can be disruptive, disrespectful, and uncooperative. In some cases, they may even be fraudulent or dishonest. However, the underlying problem is usually the same: someone is trying to assert themselves in a way that doesn’t feel comfortable or safe for you. While it can be challenging to deal with difficult people at work, you can employ several strategies to help mitigate the effects of their behavior. But, before that, let’s unfold upon the various types of difficult people often found at workplaces.

The Different Types of Difficult People you might encounter at work

The Complainer

The complainer is one of the most common difficult people to deal with. They are often unhappy, and they express their unhappiness in a way that can be frustrating for others. Complainers complain about their job, their managers, and anything else that pops into their heads. Complainers will constantly mention how other people are not doing things right or treating them fairly when it doesn’t affect them. The worst part of dealing with a complainer is there’s no telling what they’re going to complain about next! They can morph from one complaint to another like chameleons change color.

The Constant Critic

The constant critic is another common type of difficult person. While the complainer is unhappy, the critic has a grudge against almost everything in their work environment. Criticizers are negative and sarcastic and find fault with everyone they meet. They take every tiny mistake you make and turn it into a mountain that you have to climb to prove yourself. A person who is always looking for reasons to critique others can be disruptive and destructive to the team environment.

The Compulsive Perfectionist

A compulsive perfectionist is one of the most complex personalities to deal with. This type of person is always looking for ways to improve themselves and their work performance. They are often very critical of others, making working together very challenging. Perfectionists also tend to keep everything under control and manage every situation perfectly. If you don’t meet their high expectations, they can further become angry and criticize you. These people tend to be micromanagers since they don’t believe someone can do a better job.

The Know-It-All

The know-it-all is another difficult person who can be very frustrating to work with. This person thinks they always have the answer and are not afraid to share it. They are often condescending and expect others to listen to their opinion without offering a counterargument or alternative viewpoint. Know-it-alls also tend to be judgmental, which makes working together challenging. They always consider themselves smarter than the other person in the room.

The Jealous Person

A jealous person is one of the colleagues that can be very destructive to a team environment. This person often takes credit for everything others achieved and feels entitled to share in the glory. Jealous people are often hostile toward others and spread rumors about others that don’t match the actual situation. They also tend to be jealous of their coworkers or look for faults or mistakes in everyone around them, giving you unnecessary stress at work every day. They are often petty, which makes working together difficult. Jealous people also tend to become angry if they do not receive the attention they want or feel they deserve. They can also try to ruin other people’s work by sharing details that are not appropriate.

The NO-Sayer

The NO sayer often refuses to participate in discussions or decision-making altogether, challenging working together. They only say NO irrespective of whatever request you make or the suggestion you offer. They also tend to be selfish and do not care about the feelings of others. If you disagree with them, they will usually ignore you.

The Procrastinator

The procrastinator can be very frustrating to work with. This person sometimes forgets essential tasks or projects and will wait until the last minute before making any progress. They also consistently put things off even after a constant email or verbal follow-up, which makes working together difficult. These people also tend to take too many breaks during and after working hours, and it makes it difficult for other members of a team or project to get their work done because they are either late on tasks or not doing them at all. Their professional contribution to the organization is often minimal. They will also often give excuses for why they cannot finish what has been assigned.

The Bully

Bullies are intimidating and dislike employees who do not “belong” to the group or someone’s social status. They have strong opinions on subjects they don’t know much about, and when you disagree with them, the bully will be very hostile towards you. The bully will often use their position in the team, such as power over others or persuasion skills backed by threats of discipline from bosses like termination, demotion, etc., to get other people on board with them (often against their best interests).

The Easily Triggered

They are the kind of complex people who are bound to cause a lot of drama and tension in the workplace. This type of person is usually impulsive and reacts without thinking things through. They are also quick to take offense, leading to many conflicts. These people have too many hot buttons, which will create trouble for you if one is pushed. They can even show disrespect or can detriment other people when triggered. These kinds of people are usually high maintenance as one has always to maintain avoidance of their trigger points whenever dealing with them.

The 10 Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People

1. Understand that difficult people are not necessarily bad people

Difficult people can be frustrating, but that doesn’t mean they are bad people. Instead, they are simply struggling with certain aspects of their personality or life that can get in the way of their relationships and interactions. They are just different from you in some way and may not understand your point of view. Instead of reacting negatively to them, try to deal with compassion. It would help if you aimed to understand their perspective and adjust your actions accordingly. It will help improve your relationship with them and even lead to a positive outcome. Try to make the conversation you have with them effective and productive.

2. Be patient

It can be tough to deal with difficult people, but it’s important not to give up too soon. Sometimes, the best way to get through to them is to be patient and persistent. Approach them calmly and rationally, and stay focused on the task. If they start becoming hostile or aggressive, it’s time to back away and take a step back. Remember, difficult people are usually just trying to defend themselves somehow. Don’t take it personally, and stick to your principles – after all, that will help you get what you want. Being patient with them will lead you towards productive ways of dealing with difficult people.

3. Avoid getting drawn into a confrontation

Confrontations can lead to negative consequences such as stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues. These confrontations can also lead to interpersonal problems, and relationships sometimes collapse. When possible, try to avoid getting drawn into clashes with difficult people, and it will help avoid any unpleasant encounters and save you time and energy. Instead, focus on maintaining a calm and rational disposition and stay composed when dealing with difficult people. If the situation warrants it, reach out for help from friends or team members who can offer you sage advice and support.

4. Don’t take their behavior personally

If someone you know is difficult to deal with, it may be tempting to take their behavior personally. Difficult people are often just trying to stir up trouble and get under your skin, which is usually not worth your time or energy. Instead, focus on taking a step back and assessing the situation before reacting. If that doesn’t work, consider removing yourself from the situation altogether. In the worst case, if the person is causing you grief, you can choose to address the issue head-on, but otherwise, it’s best to steer clear.

5. Make sure you are familiar with your company’s policy regarding challenging behavior

It is imperative to be aware of your company’s policy on challenging behavior. There may be times when you are expected to handle disagreements or challenging situations created by difficult people constructively and professionally. It can be helpful to know your company’s expectations beforehand so that you are not taken by surprise and end up having to improvise on the fly. Going against the company’s policies can result in devastating consequences for yourself, your coworkers, and most importantly, the company’s reputation. By being savvy about your company’s policies, you can avoid any potential conflict or confrontation and keep your work environment safe and productive.

6. Keep a record of the incidents

It’s easy to get angry and frustrated when dealing with difficult people, but it’s important not to lash out. Instead, take a few minutes to document the incidents so that you can objectively analyze the situation and come up with a plan of action. You should record the detailed experience of the situation and include the dates, times, and documentation relating to what happened. It will help you stay calm and collected and better equip yourself to handle the situation in the future. It will also help you look for patterns in the behaviors and figure out how to deal with them beforehand. Further, it will enable you to develop an effective option whenever coping with a difficult person, which may resolve it in the long term.

7. Seek support

The next strategy you can try to deal with difficult people is to seek out help. Support is crucial in managing difficult situations and shifting your perspective, whether from a friend, team member, family, or therapist. It can be challenging to stand up for yourself and manage difficult conversations with difficult people. But by finding someone to support you, whom you trust and can lean on, you will be in a much better position to deal with the situation. Their supportive actions will guide you to overcome a difficult situation without any resentment or negative emotions. Additionally, by seeking out support, you will increase your resilience when dealing with difficult people in the future.

8. Keep a positive attitude

No matter how complex or irritating someone may be, it is essential to maintain a positive attitude when dealing with them. By keeping your cool, you can avoid getting overwhelmed and stressed out, only making the situation worse. Additionally, it is always best to remember that these people are just humans with emotions and feelings just like you. They are not perfect, and you should not expect them to be. Remember to take things one step at a time and stay calm and rational when dealing with them. This positive attitude will also help you in your career by preventing you from letting any uncomfortable situations affect your professional life. It will also enable you to deal with your problems at work positively.

9. Don’t give up

No one is perfect, and that includes difficult people. While it may be tempting to give up on them and move on, it only leads to disappointment and frustration. Instead, try to understand their motives and find a way to resolve the issue without getting too emotional. Stay calm and collected, and don’t let the problematic person control your emotions. Finally, remember that difficult people are only painful for a short period, and eventually, the difficulty will fade away.

10. If all fails, cut your losses

What if you have tried everything and it still doesn’t work? It is time to cut your losses and start disassociating yourself from them. Your next step will depend on your working relationship with this person. If this is a team member, it might be time to let them go and respectfully request them to find other opportunities. On the other side, if it is a peer, you can always ask for a different project that can reduce your interactions with this person. If this person is your manager, then it might be more tricky. Your options could be a request to the HR team to change your team. Or it may be the time to find another job. After all, people leave bad managers even if they like working in the company.

Conclusion

Dealing with difficult people can be a real challenge, especially if you’re not prepared. It’s essential to know the different types of difficult people you might encounter and learn how to deal with them accordingly. By following the ten Strategies outlined in this blog, For Dealing With Difficult People, we believe that you will be able to remain calm and in control, no matter what situation arises. These strategies will lead you to become a better and less stressful person. Lastly, remember that it is never too late to start over again with difficult people. Do not let them stop you from achieving your goals!

Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity

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Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.

She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.

Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.

It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.

Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.

You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.

Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.

Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.

Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.

Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.

Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:

“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”

Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?

However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.

From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;

–         You sent an email without speaking to me first

–         I was embarrassed and mortified

–         You should know I wouldn’t exclude you

–         I had a limited number of people for the training

–         I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others

–         Why did you do all of this?

All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.

“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”

That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.

Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.

Seven Strategies to Effectively Deal with Difficult People at Work

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October 21, 2021

In a perfect world, we would all get along. There would be no inequalities, no name-calling, no disrespect, no hurt. The Golden Rule would be second nature to us and empathy, compassion, and kindness would reign. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and inevitably we often have the displeasure of interacting with difficult people in the workplace and beyond.

Dealing with difficult people at work can be draining. It also can be frustrating and downright miserable. But it doesn’t have to be. Recognizing behavior that is unbecoming and destructive – and not mirroring it – is the first step in managing the exchange. Taking the high road over adopting the “just-try-to-talk-to-me-that-way buster” will not only put you in the same losing league of difficult professionals, reflecting poorly on your character and professional brand, it will also play havoc with your health. And who needs more stress?

“You can’t control other people’s behavior,
but you can control your responses to it.”

                                                                         ~ Roberta Cava

Leaving your ego at home will do wonders for your career, and wearing your emotional intelligence hat while at work will allow you to respond appropriately to those challenging coworkers. Follow these seven strategies for a comprehensive approach to dealing with those difficult colleagues.

1. Don’t Take It Personally

As difficult as it is, don’t take your coworker’s actions personally. It’s not your fault that he/she is moody, always getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Rather, stay true to yourself. Communicate in a calm, controlled, concise way, not allowing their behavior to get the best of you. You will be a role model and will provide a teaching opportunity for your coworker to learn how to effectively communicate.

2. Develop Rapport

It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult employee, but this approach is a proven approach. When you take time to get to know someone, his/her workstyle, interests, likes, and dislikes, you’ll have a better understanding of what makes him/her tick. When you make an effort to show concern for your coworker, he/she may turn his behavior around – or at least show you the respect you deserve.

3. Stand Up for Yourself

No one should tolerate poor, inexcusable behavior, ever. We are all entitled to respect. When you experience a situation where you are not shown respect, communicate to him/her in an assertive manner saying, “I’m happy to help assist you with your project needs, but I feel disrespected when you talk to me with such a harsh tone.” By telling that person how you feel, you are also sharing the need for him/her to ultimately be respectful.

4. Practice Empathy

We don’t always know what goes on in fellow coworkers’ lives. Perhaps they’ve been displaying poor actions because they are not getting proper sleep due to caring for their newborn, or maybe they are going through a divorce and the stress of the situation is getting the best of them. Whatever the situation, seeing things from their eyes, listening with their ears, feeling with their heart – and not judging – are effective ways to practice empathy. You don’t have to agree with the way they are handling matters, but by developing your empathy skills, you may understand why he/she is behaving in a difficult way.

5. Practice Self-regulation

As difficult as it is, refrain from losing your cool. Follow the proverb, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In other words, because an employee spoke to you with disrespect, said something in gossip about you, or did something else unjust, are not reasons or justification for acting similarly. Take the high road and let them know in a composed, controlled way that you do not appreciate him/her spreading rumors about you at the office water cooler. You might also mention that if she/her has any questions to feel free to come to you first. That should nip the unattractive behavior in the bud all the while letting your professionalism shine and not stooping down to unbecoming actions.

6. Hone Your Self-awareness

Exhibiting high self-awareness in the business setting is a top leadership skill no matter what stage you are in your career. With self-awareness, you know your strengths and challenges. You are aware of your emotions and how they affect you. You are also adept in dealing with other’s emotions, having the skill to manage your behavior appropriately for a positive result. When you possess strong self-awareness, you can effortlessly manage any challenging situation with poise and skill.

7. Get Support

There may be times when you’ve tried everything in your power to diffuse a tough situation to no avail. If that’s the case, you may need extra support to help manage the future interactions. Talking to a trusted coworker and asking them for their insight may be helpful. You might want to consider talking to your supervisor or even someone in HR explaining your desire to be a team player but are having difficulties with an employee. Ensure them you don’t want to create any problems; you simply want to continue do good work and work in harmony with others. Chances are they may be already aware of this particularly challenging employee and want to help you succeed in your job.

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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FEATURED MASTERCLASS INSTRUCTOR

CHRIS VOSS

Former FBI lead hostage negotiator Chris Voss teaches you communication skills and strategies to help you get more of what you want every day.

 

Learning a few simple conflict resolution tactics can help you deal with difficult coworkers and managers alike, making it easier to build positive relationships and reach your career goals.

Learning how to deal with a difficult coworker in a constructive way can help you navigate tricky situations while inspiring a positive work environment. Consider these tips for handling conflict at work.

  1. Lead by example. When dealing with a difficult colleague, start by analyzing your own behavior. Consider whether you’ve been communicating adequately and empathetically. You may not be required to make a change, but try to objectively evaluate your role in the conflict—if any. If possible, consult a neutral party (ideally not another coworker) who can objectively assess the situation. Increasing your self-awareness can help you exhibit the behaviors you would like to foster in your workplace.
  2. Confront the situation clearly and respectfully. When confronting a difficult boss or coworker, it’s best to focus on your feelings rather than the other person’s actions. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me when I’m speaking,” try saying, “I feel dismissed when I am not able to finish sharing my thoughts.”
  3. Learn to manage different personalities. Sometimes, avoiding conflict in the workplace boils down to knowing how to manage different personality types. One colleague might require ample social interaction to feel engaged, while another might prefer to keep their work life and personal life separate. Learning and accepting how other team members operate can help set you and your team up for success. When starting a new job, take the time to ask your colleagues about their communication preferences.
  4. Refrain from engaging in office gossip. Gossip is a symptom of a toxic work culture. When coworkers engage in gossip on a daily basis, it can exacerbate employee insecurities and damage the self-esteem of your coworkers. Refusing to engage in office gossip can help improve your working relationships as your coworkers will know you’re a safe individual with whom they can place their trust.
  5. Maintain a focus on your own work. There are many types of difficult coworkers, but one of the most common is a person who’s constantly distracting you from getting actual work done. They may want to discuss personal issues, take frequent breaks, or ask you for too many favors. Be direct with a coworker like this. Try stating, “I’m sorry, but I have a lot of work to do and I really need to focus,” or, “Can we find a designated time to discuss this?”
  6. Raise the issue with a manager. If a coworker’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable, and you’ve done everything in your power to reconcile the situation, consider bringing a formal complaint to your supervisor. If all else fails, talk to your human resources department. If a coworker is making you feel unsafe, document these instances to the best of your ability and speak with an HR professional.

Dealing with a Backstabber at Work

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When I recently asked a group of attendees at a workshop if a coworker has ever backstabbed them, the overwhelming (almost 100 percent) was, Yes!

Backstabbing: betrayal (as by verbal attack against one not present) especially by a false friend….Merriam Webster

I’ll bet you would have raised your hand would if you were in the room when I asked the question too. It has probably happened, and it is likely to happen again. Someone you consider a friend has betrayed you. It’s a sad reality.

While I don’t know why this happens, I know what to do about it.

  1. Don’t take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, it shows more about them than you. For whatever reason, they feel they have something to gain by saying something negative about you. Perhaps they look more important or smarter. It isn’t necessarily about making you look bad; it is about making them look good.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

―Eleanor Roosevelt

True to the quote above, you rarely enter their thoughts at all. They are saying whatever they are saying because it helps them! They aren’t considering what it is doing to their reputation or your friendship. By taking it personally, you are assuming they did it to hurt you. You aren’t even on their radar. As much as that hurts, because how could a friend not know what it was doing to you, it isn’t about you at all.

  1. Pick Your Battles. It may be tempting to give your backstabber that stare that lasts a few seconds too long or to walk right up to them and say, “Game on!” But while it’s tempting, it’s not smart; don’t do it.

If you react emotionally (because you did take it personally; otherwise, you wouldn’t be upset), it is important to choose your battles. You may say something you regret and certainly something you can’t take back. You are stooping to their level by backstabbing your false friend, and you don’t need to do that.

That doesn’t mean you should always ignore when you are stabbed in the back. There may be times when having a one-on-one confrontation is exactly what you need to do. Be clear on what is overall harmful to your reputation and career. If it isn’t affecting your credibility at work, it might be best to look the other way.

I’ve decided that when people talk about how I spend my money, the state of my marriage, or my weight, I just ignore it. But when I hear that someone has said something about my professional abilities and integrity, I will confront them on those issues. My line in the sand is my professional reputation. If what has been said affects my professional reputation, I will confront them directly.

  1. Prove the backstabber was wrong. Correcting rumors requires action on your part. I don’t mean that you need to speak to every person and clarify what was wrong, but let your actions speak louder than any words. Show that the negative statements about you were wrong.

This is not your cue to fight back by betraying them back. That doesn’t prove them wrong at all; it confirms that you are just as bad a friend as they are.

 

“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

―George Bernard Shaw

Be smarter than your backstabber. Be smart about how you respond to the situation. By looking at how you handle the situation, you are showing others that you have more integrity than many people do. Don’t respond like a child and go running to all your friends at work and complain about what is happening. If you do that, you are a backstabber as well.

It hurts to be stabbed in the back by someone we consider a friend at work. By dealing with the situation professionally and respectfully, you will show that you are a better person.

4 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them

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We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.

https://youtu.be/QCNbq-WwEUI

Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:

1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:

Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.

2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.

3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.

4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.

ABOUT SCIENCE OF PEOPLE
Our mission is to help you achieve your social and professional goals faster using science-backed, practical advice. Our team curates the best communication, relationship, and social skills research; turning into actionable and relatable life skills. Science of People was founded by Vanessa Van Edwards, bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma.

Read more at:https://www.scienceofpeople.com/captivate/

How to Deal with Difficult People

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About the Author

Deborah K. Zmorenski, MBA, is the co-owner and senior partner of Leader’s Strategic Advantage Inc., an Orlando, Fla.-based consulting firm. During her 34-year career with the Walt Disney W… Read More

 

One of the first people to study difficult employees in the workplace and to assign specific characteristic descriptors to these groups of people was Robert M. Branson. In 1981, he wrote a book called “Coping with Difficult People.” In this book, he identifies seven categories of difficult people:

  • Hostile-aggressive
  • Complainers
  • Silent and unresponsive
  • Super agreeable
  • Know-it-all experts
  • Negativists
  • Indecisive

Today, these seven categories have been consolidated into three broad categories with very distinct characteristics. These three categories incorporate the characteristics and behaviors of Branson’s original seven categories. They are:

  • Aggressor
  • Victim
  • Rescuer

Most experts believe that it is useful to characterize difficult people and then try to understand them as individuals. For each of these people, social and economic conditions had a lot to do with creating who they are. Contrary to popular belief, difficult people are usually not deliberately toxic, non-productive troublemakers. In fact, they are often employees whose intentions are good and are dedicated and loyal to the organization.

It is also important to note that if behaviors are especially malicious, this goes beyond the definition of difficult and is now labeled destructive. Below are brief definitions of the three categories of difficult people:

  • Aggressors: Their actions and behaviors are based on the belief that they must demonstrate a tough personality to get things done.
  • Victims: Sincerely want to do a good job and feel as though they would be successful if others would give them what they need.
  • Rescuers: Lose focus on their own productivity and responsibilities because they are convinced that they are doing the right and humane thing and the best thing for the organization by taking care of others who can benefit from their expertise and experience.

Seldom do these individuals act in a vacuum. The very nature of their personalities is to interact with others in the organization in ways that satisfy their particular needs. This is illustrated by the Karpman Triangle:

Conceived by Steven Karpman and originally devised as a therapeutic tool, it is also used as a communications device to plot the moves of a series of interactions between people. It demonstrates how the three difficult people personality types may play off one another or may even change places as the situation warrants.

For example, aggressive people find and create victims. Victims are easy prey for bullies. Victims do not get the job done but always have excuses as to why it is not their fault. Rescuers jump in to save the victim. The cycle can go round and round, with each playing their role, effectively supporting the behavior of the other two.

One type may also morph into another. For instance, if a rescuer and a victim should push back very hard on an aggressor, the aggressor may revert to victim behavior. The aggressor may say things like, “It’s not my fault,” “I was just told to do this,” “I have to act like this,” “No one will help me,” or “No one likes me!”

As a manager, you must stop the cycle. Managers, co-workers and team leaders can have a positive impact by understanding who these people are and what drives them and then reacting in ways that diffuse rather than escalate the behaviors. Below are the characteristics of each type of difficult person and tips for dealing with them.

Characteristics of Aggressors

  • Demanding and loud
  • Poor listeners
  • Interrupters
  • Must-win
  • Sarcastic/rude
  • Bullies

Aggressors are often tolerated in the workplace because they tend to be productive and get things done, usually in all the wrong ways. Often, because they are productive, they are promoted into management and executive positions. The Type “A” manager of the 1970s and ’80s is a great example of the aggressor personality type. No matter their level in the organization, what must be considered is how they are impacting others’ ability to get work done, their effect on morale and the consequences of employee turnover as a direct result of the aggressor’s behaviors.

Tips for Dealing with Aggressors

  1. Let them vent: Letting them vent satisfies their need to get it all out. Wait for them to calm down. Try not to prejudge.
  2. Use active listening skills: Practice active listening skills by listening to understand, not to respond. Hold your thoughts, make eye contact and take notes. Remain objective and do not take what they say personally. They may actually have a valid point once you get beyond the aggressive and dominating behavior.
  3. Keep your emotions under control: An emotional response will only add fuel to the fire. If you try to point-and-counterpoint with an aggressor, you will lose and possibly say something you will regret later.
  4. Hold your ground: Do not change your position out of intimidation. If you allow an aggressor to intimidate you into getting his or her way, you will have supported the unacceptable behavior, further convincing the aggressor that bullying behavior gets results.
  5. Address the key issue only: Clarify their point on the key issue. Do not get drawn into other issues. As aggressors get going, they may bring up all of the things that ever bothered them. Calmly say things like, “For now, let’s focus on your key point.”
  6. Do not embarrass them: Do not embarrass them in public. This creates an aggressive defensive reaction, escalating the angry behavior.
  7. Give them a way out/seek a win-win: Aggressors need to feel respected, even if they cannot be right. Say, “You know, I hear what you are saying and you make some valid points, but in order for us to move forward, it has been determined that the best path is … and we are asking that you become part of the team, even if you think we are wrong.”

Characteristics of Victims

  • Appear to be timid/helpless
  • Believe that people don’t understand them or their situation
  • Tend to feel sorry for themselves
  • Tend to blow things out of proportion
  • Blame others for their problems

Victims have a seemingly endless list of excuses as to why they do not get their work done or accomplish their goals. They will often point fingers at someone else or to circumstances that they feel were beyond their control. Victims can be heard to say things such as “It’s not my fault,” “I didn’t have the information (or tools) I needed,” or “No one explained it to me.”

Tips for Dealing with Victims

  1. Listen: Again, listening is going to be the critical skill that gains results. As with aggressors, practice active listening skills.
  2. Provide feedback on your understanding of what the victim says and show empathy for how they feel about the situation: The victim will give you plenty of time to respond. They need for you to respond. They want feedback, especially that they did OK and that you understand why they had difficulties getting their work done or accomplishing the goal. However, you must resist the temptation to support their need for validation in their behaviors and failures. Your feedback should only validate that you understand what they are saying.
  3. Focus on solutions and the future: Clearly communicate what they should do differently next time. Precisely state your expectations for future deliverables and behaviors.
  4. Find ways to help them achieve short-term wins: Tell them what they are doing right. Give them an example of something they did well in the past and encourage them to perpetuate that behavior or action.
  5. Demand solutions for complaints: Do not let them complain without giving solutions. It is more difficult for them to remain the victim if they are part of the solution.
  6. Help them prioritize their problems (or perceived problems): Assist them in putting things in perspective. Be honest. Say things like, “I understand what you are saying, but the fact is I need results from you. What can I do to help you meet our expectations?”

Characteristics of Rescuers

  • Always willing to help others
  • Need to be liked and appreciated
  • Know-it-all behavior
  • Know how to jump in to save the day
  • Avoid confrontation
  • “Yes” people
  • Take responsibility for others rather than themselves

At first, rescuers may seem like the ideal employee, always willing to help. However, in their need to help others and therefore be appreciated and liked, they tend to over-commit to others and are often not able to deliver on their own work. They soon become a source of frustration to fellow employees and managers. Rescuers are often the know-it-alls. Be aware when dealing with these people that one of the things that drives their rescue behavior is their belief that they know more than everyone else, including the managers. Rescuers may bend or break the rules to achieve rescuing goals because they believe they know what is best for the project, department and/or organization.

Tips for Dealing with Rescuers

  1. Hold them accountable: Rescuers must be held accountable for their behaviors. Coaching and counseling at the very least may be in order to get them to see that they cannot be all things to all people and in fact would better serve the organization if they would focus on doing an exceptional job on their own work.
  2. Assign them more responsibilities: If rescuers do not have enough responsibility to keep them busy, they will revert back to their natural habit of rescuing others in “their spare time.” It may be beneficial to give them additional tasks and responsibilities.
  3. Clearly and concisely describe parameters and deliverables: Explain to the rescuer that he or she has certain tasks that must be taken care of in order to be successful in the organization. If that person perceives that someone he or she works with is in trouble, encourage that person to bring it to the manger’s attention and then let it go.
  4. Be appreciative, sincere and respectful about their contributions: Thank them for their contributions. Tell them you appreciate their dedication to the organization.
  5. Avoid putting the rescuer on the defensive: An indirect approach is usually very effective with the rescuer personality. You might say, “I understand how important this project is to you, so let me explain how you can help the most.”
  6. Help them see that others need to learn on their own: If the rescuer sees that he or she may be having a negative impact on a co-worker by always bailing them out, that person is more likely to see his or her behavior as damaging rather than helpful.
  7. If possible, use them as a trainer or coach to help others: This satisfies the person’s need to rescue and channels the energy in a helpful way.

It is true that difficult people can absorb a great deal of a manager’s time. However, most organizations find great benefit in taking the time to understand them and help them refocus their energies on behaviors that are productive and positive.

Let’s face it; difficult people are not going away, partly because they do not see themselves as being the difficult person. This does not mean that you can let difficult employees’ behaviors have an ongoing detrimental effect on the organization. If you cannot redirect their energies and change those behaviors that negatively impact fellow employees and the operation, you may have to fire them. But firing all difficult people is not practical, nor is it the right thing to do.

Lastly, I would challenge you to look in the mirror and answer the question, “Are you a difficult person?”

 

10 Difficult Workplace Personalities and How to Deal with Them

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Posted by: https://www.universalclass.com/

 

Many of us spend countless hours at work, and for the majority of full-time workers, more time may be spent at work than in any other context outside of one’s home. Indeed, for many of us, we find ourselves spending more time with our coworkers and colleagues than with our family and friends. That said, dealing with difficult personalities in the workplace can really take a toll on one’s health and well-being, as well as on the entire company or organization.

If you’ve ever dealt with a particularly difficult coworker, you may have found yourself avoiding that person at work, perhaps changing your schedule or taking a different route in and out of your building. You may have even found yourself fantasizing about their departure or considering your own just to get away from him or her. In the following picture, Holloway and Kusy (2009) use humor to illustrate the joy of having a difficult employee leave a company. Although you may be able to find some humor in it, at the end of the day difficult workplace personalities can be very upsetting for all of those who have the misfortune of sharing time, space, and job tasks with them. Therefore, the purpose of this paper is to describe ten difficult workplace personalities which are common to many workplaces and strategies for effectively communicating and interacting with them.

What is Personality?

Before learning more about difficult workplace personalities and how to handle them, it is important to understand personality. Basically stated, personality is the sum of characteristics and traits that define a person’s typical thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in over time (Malik, 2007). For those who have personality traits that are considered outside of the norm and potentially harmful to themselves and/or others, a personality disorder may be present.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013b), “personality disorders are associated with ways of thinking and feeling about oneself and others that significantly and adversely affect how an individual functions in many aspects of life” (p.1). Examples of personality disorders include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. Even though these disorders create extreme behaviors in those who have them, even people without personality disorders can display traits from them which appear in the workplace. For example, you may know someone who has extreme and unpredictable emotional mood swings which often appear in people with borderline personality disorder. And some researchers have found that traits of narcissism – such as a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy for others – are higher in Generation Y or Millennials (sometimes referred to as “Generation Me”) than in previous generations which can make for more challenging interactions within office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).

How Can Difficult Personalities Impact the Workplace?

Difficulties workplace personalities can negatively affect the well-being of individual workers as well as entire organizations. Workplace incivility has been shown to effect the majority of workers in the U.S. (96%) according to one study and result in lower productivity and time spent at work among other negative consequences (Porath & Pearson, 2010). Examples of “toxic behaviors” that can damage the workplace environment include belittling comments, gossip, double standards, yelling at others, and taking credit for the work of others (Holloway & Kusy, 2009).

Even in the absence of difficult personalities, personality styles that do not work well together can result in conflict. Indeed, conflicting personality styles is a common cause of workplace conflict and incivility (Gatlin, Wysocki, & Kepner, 2008). Problems can occur over the way that people prefer to accomplish tasks or interact with one another. For example, some workers may prefer not socializing or distractions during certain hours and keep their office door shut while others may see this as unfriendly or even rude behavior.

10 Difficult Workplace Personalities and Strategies for Effective Communication

#1: The Gossip

A common difficult personality type found in many office environments is “the gossip.” This type goes without much explanation, as it is common knowledge that people like this get their title from talking about other people (often behind their backs) and spreading rumors about others (which are oftentimes untrue or exaggerated versions of the truth). If you have ever found yourself in a conversation with the gossip at your office, you probably know what to expect from them. You may have even found yourself the victim of their bad habits, maybe with even realizing it.

Office gossips often behave this way out of their own insecurities or to create drama in order to entertain themselves. Indeed, talking about other people may be a way to deflect attention away from their own bad traits (e.g., poor work performance) or a way to create situations that they find amusing. Gossips may also hold the misguided belief that their gossip is a way to connect with other coworkers with whom they share their gossip.

To communicate effectively with the gossip:

  • First, realize that it may be difficult to effectively communicate with the gossip or change their behavior before attempting to do so. A good communication strategy is directly telling this person the impact of their behavior on you with a statement like “I felt really upset by the comment you made about me to Jane.” However, be careful with this and mindful that a comment like this may potentially create more material for the gossip to use.
  • Try staying out of gossipy conversations and avoid sharing details of your personal life with the office gossip.
  • Attribute their behavior to their own faults and insecurities instead of taking what they may say personally (Orloff, 2014).
  • Let go of the idea that gossip within the office can be controlled and instead focus on your own behavior and setting a good example for others (Kiplinger, 2011).

#2: The Blamer

Blamers are another common type of difficult personalities found in many workplaces. For sure, there are times when most of us find ourselves pointing the finger at someone else when perhaps we were the cause of a situation or problem. But “blamers” (also referred to as “guilt trippers”) are those who constantly shift responsibility away from themselves and onto others whenever things go wrong in the office. Rarely do they acknowledge or apologize for their own misgivings, mistakes, bad decisions, or poor performance. And oftentimes they stretch the truth in order to convince others that their version of events is accurate and factual even when it’s not.

To communicate effectively with the blamer:

  • Try redirecting their attention away from blame and toward facts that are verifiable (Murphy, 2014).
  • Own up to any mistakes that you’ve actually made if they attempt to “guilt trip” you instead of engaging in the blame game with them and pointing the finger right back (Orloff, 2014). This can help stop the pattern that many blamers create of finger pointing back and forth with others and putting them on the defense.
  • Maintain firm boundaries around the blamer and try not to let them push you to a point that you’re uncomfortable with. Getting a blamer to see his or her own part in work-related problems may prove more difficult but creating your own safety and limits around them can usually be achieved with some careful effort.

#3: The Flyer

This difficult workplace personality is the highly emotional type who may “fly off the handle” at any time. They may also be called the “drama queen” or “drama king” and are very emotionally reactive people (Miller, 2014). Such people may have traits of histrionic personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality type will show a “pattern of excessive emotionality, attention-seeking, need for excitement, [act] flamboyant theatrically in speech and behavior, and use of exaggeration to maintain largely superficial relationships for the purpose of getting emotional needs met” (Miller, 2003, p. 427).

Oftentimes, you may find yourself drawn to this type of person in the office when they’re in a good mood because they can be funny, entertaining, and energetic. However, when types like this feel like they’re needs are not getting met they may “fly off the handle” so to speak and became very angry and dramatic. They may also be unreliable in following through with tasks and bad about making decisions based on emotions instead of facts and data (Miller, 2003).

In order to communicate effectively with the flyer:

  • Try to use praise for the value they bring to the office before delivering any critiques.
  • Communicate how their behavior affects you if you are impacted by their mood swings.
  • Remain calm when they fly off the handle and try to calm them down if at all possible.
  • Realize that you may be unable to change many of their behaviors but focus you protecting your own interests during the times that you find yourself in the unfortunate position of dealing with their high emotionality.

#4: The Control Freak

This difficult workplace personality is the type who is often nitpicky and critical of others who do not do things their way. Such people may have traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) even if they do not have the disorder itself. They often feel the need to control the outcome of seemingly everything and everyone around them and may even step over appropriate boundaries and attempt to control situations that aren’t relevant to their own job duties. They may also be perfectionists and have impossibly high expectations for themselves and others. However, they may be a valuable asset to your company or organization due to their high attention to detail.

To communicate effectively with the control freak may be a great challenge, especially since he or she may very well be your supervisor or boss. Some strategies you may consider include:

  • Giving praise for his or her attention to detail and contributions to your workplace.
  • Providing detail to him or her and avoiding ambiguity that may raise their anxiety levels.
  • Letting go of control at times when the situation or task does not matter as much to you or will not have an adverse effect on your performance.
  • Do not take it personally when they’re need for controlling is at its peak.

#5: The Victim

The victim is yet another difficult personality type found in many offices and is an obvious one to spot. This is the person who is often a constant complainer and attempts to draw people’s attention to their problems (or perceived problems) every day. For example, they may complain about their work duties and try to convince everyone that they aren’t treated fairly and have more work than everyone around them. Or they may play the victim when something goes wrong on a team project and claim that they were left out of important conversations. One study identified common personality traits of workplace victims and found that they “tended to be less independent and extroverted, less stable, and more conscientious than non-victims” (Coynea, Seignea & Randall, 2010, p.335).

In order to communicate effectively with the office victim:

  • Try to exercise patience with them during conversations and recognize that they actually believe that they have been victimized regardless of whether or not there’s any factual evidence to support this.
  • Try to point out evidence to the contrary when they begin complaining about their bad circumstances. For example, if they claim that they were intentionally left out of conversations it may help to highlight the fact that they were on sick leave when certain conversations happened and that you and other coworkers didn’t want to overwhelm them when they returned.
  • Try to empathize with them when at all possible while being careful not to support their tendency toward helplessness. This can be tricky. If they complain to you about something that happened to them at work, try a statement such as “I’m sorry that happened to you and upset you so much. Is there anything you can do to change that situation?” This will help validate their feelings while highlighting the fact that they should try taking responsibility for changing the circumstances that upset them.
  • Maintain your own boundaries during conversations and do not let them suck you into constant complaining about the same topics. A simple statement like “I know this is important to you and I’m sorry I don’t have time to listen more, but I must go back to my desk and get some work done now” may do the trick.

#6: The Quiet Type

The quiet type of personality is a self-explanatory one and often easy to pick out in an office. This type is not necessarily a difficult personality but can be a confusing one. This is the person who is usually aloof in the office, may sit at their desk a lot (instead of conversing at the water cooler or joining everyone for lunch), and may close themselves off to others by hiding behind their cubicle, keeping their office door shut, or wearing headphones.

Some tips for effective communication include:

  • Not pushing them to communicate or fraternize with everyone in the office.
  • Giving them more space and time than others to respond to you and communicate their thoughts and feelings.
  • Acknowledging their place and value to the organization even if they add little to no value to the office environment socially.
  • Take some time to get to know what makes him or her tick and show an interest in them as a person.
  • Do not take it personally if they do not interact with you as do your other coworkers.

#7: The Passive-Aggressive Type

Passive-aggressive types can make very difficult coworkers to interact with, as they may not be as easy to spot as others and can do real damage. They behave in phony ways – for example, hiding their true feelings by pretending everything is okay when they’re actually upset – and have a tendency to appear calm, cool, and collected at all times since they keep their negative feelings pushed deep down. However, a classic sign of this type is the fact that they may do things to sabotage the work or performance of others, or get revenge in other stealthy ways (e.g., stealing someone’s lunch).

In order to communicate with this personality type:

  • Avoid reciprocating passive-aggressive behaviors and confront problems with them out in the open, using tact and good timing for conversations.
  • Use direct communication to communicate the impact of their negative behaviors on you, your coworkers, and the office environment. For example, “I felt disrespected when you showed up to my presentation late.”
  • Express interest in their true feelings and create a safe space for them to feel heard and validated.

#8: The Paranoid One

The paranoid coworker is often portrayed on popular TV shows and in films, as this type can be equally entertaining and frustrating to deal with. Such people may have traits of paranoid personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. These include being constantly suspicious of other people and their motives, distrusting other people (even if there is no cause), and interpreting the behaviors of other people in very negative ways (for example, “She did that because she’s out to get me fired!”)

To communicate with the paranoid one in your office:

  • Exercise caution with what you say to him or her, and recognize that your words may be spun very differently in their head.
  • Offer fact-based and rational information and explanations to him or her for why certain decisions or developments occurred.
  • Avoid getting too caught up in changing their perceptions of reality, even if such perceptions seem odd to you and others around you.

#9: The Narcissist

The office narcissist may be one of the most difficult workplace personalities to deal with. Such people can also be described as egomaniacs and are often found within the management levels of many companies and organizations. They may show traits of narcissistic personality disorder or even have the disorder itself. The office narcissist will show a “pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, need for admiration, lack of empathy for others’ feelings or opinions and expecting unearned high praise regardless of their actual effort or accomplishment” (Miller, 2003, p.428). These types will often evaluate their own work performance more favorably than it is in reality (Judge, LePine, & Rich, 2006). They may be arrogant, annoying to deal with, and disliked by many people. Conversely, they may be very charismatic and actually liked by many coworkers (Orloff, 2014). However, this type of personality can be toxic to the workplace and will attempt to control situations and gain support for their inflated self view regardless of how it may damage those around them or their relationships.

To communicate with the office narcissist:

  • Consider using flattery or stroking their ego a bit if it helps get the job done (Orloff, 2014).
  • Communicate how demands of them may actually benefit them (Orloff, 2014). Narcissists are very self-focused and care about their needs and desires, often at the exclusion of others.
  • Offer a positive about their performance before delivering any criticisms.
  • Praise them openly (e.g., on a chain email) if it is deserved in order to continue getting results that you need from them. Narcissists respond to praise and social approval in office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).
  • Maintain realistic expectations of how they will likely respond during conversations and situations. Do not expect something different from them just because their behavior rubs you (and everyone else) the wrong way.

#10: The Psychopath

The psychopath falls under the abnormal psychology branch and a regular encounter with someone who suffers from this is rare, nonetheless, it does happen and the psychopath can be a very harmful type of person particularly in the workplace. Such people may have traits of antisocial personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality disorder is defined by “a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others” (APA, 2013a, p.645). People who are psychopathic (sometimes referred to as sociopathic) have a tendency toward intentional harm toward others including lots of deceit and manipulation. They may take the credit for work done by others at their company, purposefully deceive others in order to “win” even if their actions are very damaging, unethical, or even illegal, or act in other reckless and predatory ways like stealing from the company or the company’s clients. The good news is that true psychopaths are a rare breed, composing only 3.3% of adults within the general population (APA, 2013a).

If you work with a psychopathic person, do not expect them to feel remorse for their actions, as people like this often take pleasure in their negative impact on others. Because of this, effective communication with a coworker like this may be nearly impossible. Depending on your company or organization culture, if the psychopath is revealed for his or her true nature, they may be fired or self-destruct in which case the need to communicate with them may be unnecessary.

In the rare case that you do find yourself having to work with a person like this your best recourse is to be clear about your own boundaries and attempt to communicate them to this person. For example, if this person tries to draw you into unethical behavior try a statement like “You can do that but please don’t involve me – that crosses the line for me.” It is highly unlikely that you will change their behaviors in any way but using clear, direct, and firm communication may save you from getting caught up in their deceitful ways. It may also be useful to avoid giving them any information that they can use to do harm to other coworker or the organization’s clients.

Conclusion

Ultimately, all of us find ourselves working with difficult people and personalities at some point during our career lives. By understanding what personality is and the common ones that cause difficulty within workplaces, you may be able to better navigate your work relationships and protect your own interests and well-being.

The following offers some final tips on dealing with difficult people and their personalities in the workplace:

General Tips for Effective Communication with Difficult Workplace Personalities

  • Effective communication skills with difficult personalities should be used to make interactions go more smoothly. Never try to use these to change a coworker’s personality, as it will be wasted energy.
  • Try being flexible with your style of communication depending on the personalities that you deal with in your office (Hautala, 2006). Some adjustment on your part is a factor you can control and may help you connect better with a coworker that has a different personality and communication style than your own.
  • Consider the positive aspects of your coworkers personality (if you can identify any) and point these out during conversations in order to help communicate more effectively with them, especially when delivering criticisms.
  • Use direct yet tactful communication to help confront problems head on in your office and advocate for your personal rights and needs. Oftentimes, even the most difficult of personalities can surprise you if you give them the chance to understand how they’re behavior impacts you and other coworkers.
  • Never assume anything or jump to conclusions about a situation until you’ve had a chance to communicate directly with a difficult personality in your office or verify information. Just because a person is difficult to deal with it does not mean that your assumptions are a particular situation are 100% accurate every time.

10 Helpful Tips On How to Deal With A Difficult Boss

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Author: Thomas Glare

Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle

 

Most of us have that one boss we couldn’t stand to deal with. The problem is, many of us don’t have a choice when it comes to who we work with or work under. Unless you’re willing to jump ship and take on another job or career, you’ll likely be stuck working with that person for a long time.

Luckily, there are some strategies you can take to keep your workplace a positive place. In this article, we will share 10 tips on how to deal with a difficult boss.

1 Learn to Analyze Before Reacting

How to deal with a difficult boss?

If you’re just starting your job or have moved positions within the company, then it’s best to wait a few weeks before you classify your boss as being difficult. You may have just caught them on a bad day, near deadlines or when he has personal problems he’s dealing with.

Our bosses are human, too. Their mood can fluctuate depending on what’s going on in their professional and personal lives. If you’re too quick to jump the gun, you may have classified your boss as being bad before you’ve even given him a chance.

2 Try Using Your Strengths to Win Them Over

If you can’t leave the job, you might as well spend time trying to get your boss to like you. As long as they aren’t the type to hate everyone, chances are you can win them over. Demonstrate your best qualities and show them that you can shine in your current job position.

Try making the chain of command a bit easier on them by ensuring that everything is going smoothly on your end. By doing so, not only will you impress your boss, but you also won’t be blamed for any problems. Plus, if you continue doing a good job, you may also be up for promotions.

3 Use Patience and Act Professional

One of the most significant methods for dealing with a difficult boss is to learn how to be patient. Remember, you are in a workplace and you must keep your temper under control. You’ve got nothing to gain if you step out of line and could potentially lose your position.

If you’ve worked hard to get where you are now, there’s no point in throwing it all away for one minute of rage. Instead, focus on staying professional when you’re in the workplace. If there is any negativity, do your best to brush it off and focus on how you can solve that problem.

4 If All Else Fails, Request a Transfer

Don’t quit your job or get fired just because you and your boss don’t get along. If they are unreasonable and you’ve tried every other method to get things to work out, then you may need to try requesting a transfer. This ensures that you won’t lose out on a job, but you may be required to stay at your current job until the transfer is approved.

5 Keep a Record of Interactions and Conversations

There are two reasons you should keep a record of interactions with your boss.

The first is because you can use it to help improve your relationship with them. If you understand what ticks them off or see a pattern, you may be able to avoid specific tasks or behaviors that trigger them.

Secondly, you may also need them to report to HR. If your boss is being unreasonable and creating a negative workplace, you may be able to report them. You may not want to get your boss fired, but if they have superiors, it can improve your work environment if they are given a strike or warning.

6 Try and Understand Their Point of View

Learning to take a look from someone else’s position objectively can help you learn a lot about them. If you were in your boss’s situation, are there any things that may be causing them to act a certain way? If so, learning to empathize and understand their point of view can show how you can help and what to avoid.

Realize that your boss is doing their best to manage the people under them. If you’re in a large company, that could easily be more than a dozen people. When there’s an issue in the workplace, it can fall on the boss and lead the company to blame him instead of his underlings. Just as you are, your boss is also under a lot of pressure to do well and succeed.

7 Learning to Be One Step Ahead

It’s good to be one step ahead with deadlines and schedules to help prevent any backlash. Being fully prepared can not only impress your boss but can also help prevent them from finding fault in you or your work.

Always create reminders, events, and document schedules so that you can complete everything on time. The fewer times you miss anything important, the lower the chances of your boss getting upset with you individually.

8 Learn to Take Criticism

Whether it’s constructive criticism or just regular criticism, it’s best to get used to knowing how to handle it. If you lose your cool and end up saying something out of anger or rage, you’ll be labeled by your boss as being someone negative and can’t handle themselves.

Even if your boss is egging you on, always stay calm. It’s better to show that you’re a team player rather than someone who causes feuds in the workplace. However, if that “boss slandering employees” image that you see doesn’t help you, then you may need to seek guidance from your HR department.

9 Attempt to Work Around Them

If anything, you can attempt to work around them and try to complete your job as successful as possible. However, this approach doesn’t always work because if your boss is someone you directly report to.

By finding ways to work around and ease their workload, you may be helping them out in the long run. Support your boss in either place they struggle in or where there may be too much work for one person. Being able to help make their job easier by working around them may directly impact how they treat coworkers.

10 Tell Them

If you’ve tried every other method, then it may just be the time to be upfront and honest with them. Some bosses may not even know that they are coming off as being difficult. Being able to discuss their attitude professionally and how they treat people in the workplace may shift their day to day interactions with coworkers. We know it may be hard to learn how to have a difficult conversation with your boss.

However, this method only works if your boss is willing to change or is unaware that they are causing issues in the workplace. If they are simply rude and negative for no reason or due to personal matters, they may not change until things get better on their side. Although being honest is always the best route when you have tried all other methods.

See Also: 3 Easy Ways To Stay Positive When Dealing With A Difficult Boss

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissistic boss may be tiring and may make you hate your job. However, you shouldn’t let that discourage you from trying to make the workplace a better and more positive place to be. While we don’t guarantee that our tips work, they can help you make better decisions for improving boss and employee relationships.

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11 Author: Thomas Glare

Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle

© Dumb Little Man. All Rights Reserved. 2017

How to Deal with Difficult People: 5 Steps to Keep You Sane

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Experts share the best techniques and tactics to end the emotional tug-of-war, once and for all.

BY LIZZ SCHUMER

Lizz Schumer is the senior editor for Good Housekeeping, and also contributes to Woman’s Day, and Prevention, covering pets, culture, lifestyle, books, and entertainment.

The coworker who always has to one-up everyone else. That friend who’s consistently 30 or more minutes late to every happy hour. Those relatives who never have anything positive to say about anyone (including each other). We all have difficult personalities to deal with, but how you handle them can make or break those relationships.

We asked experts to share the best way to approach these challenging types, and two overarching themes rose to the top: Intention and compassion. Spending a little time planning out what you want to say, goes a long way to setting both of you up for success. And especially if your last nerve has been stretched thinner than a New York-style pizza, it’s important to realize that the person who’s getting on it deserves respect too. “You can have compassion for somebody and expect them to do better. Those things are not mutually exclusive,” explains Julie Fogh, co-founder of speech and communications company Vital Voice Training.

Here are tried-and-true techniques for dealing with difficult people straight from the experts, without making those interactions even more difficult than they need to be.

First, devise a game plan.

Before you talk to someone who really grinds your gears, identify your reasons for speaking out. Do you just want to get your frustration off your chest, or do you hope the other person will change something about their behavior? “Setting intentions can really change whether the communication will land or not,” Fogh explains.

he way you engage in the conversation can make a difference in how it goes, too. “You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, M.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.

People who irritate us often have something to show us about ourselves, according to Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. Maybe your chronically late friend makes you realize how often you’re running a little behind, or you secretly wish you could be as laid-back as the coworker who never carries her weight. Taking a good, hard look at your own behavior and what motivates your frustration can take away some of its power, and even keep you from flying off the handle when you do have the discussion.

“If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control.

Keep it all in perspective.

“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.” Remember: Chances are, you’re someone else’s “difficult person.”

To keep your cool, relationship and life coach Chuck Rockey suggests remembering that behind every complaint, there’s a desire. Sometimes, asking that person who won’t stop bellyaching what they really want can give you some valuable insight.

When dealing with a difficult personality, try to really focus on the person and let them know they’re seen and heard, adds Vital Voice Training co-founder Casey Erin Clark. “It’s an incredibly disarming thing, especially if you’re feeling upset. Not managing their emotions, but just saying I can see you,” she says. It’s easy to get so focused on what you want to tell someone, that you stop listening to what they bring to the table. Instead, actively focus on the person in front of you.

Choose your approach.

Armed with your insights, you need to decide how to confront the person. Rockey emphasizes the importance of treating the other person with respect and keeping yourself from getting defensive. That will just escalate the conversation, and yelling never solves anything. While there’s often no good time for this kind of chat, try to pick a time when neither of you are engaged in a stressful project. And never confront your annoying coworker in front of others unless you need a mediator for your own safety.

“It’s important to realize that it’s your perception that the person isn’t listening or communicating well. The other person may not view the situation the same way,” explains executive coach, social worker, and human behavior professor Melody J. Wilding, LMSW. “Make sure that you’re carrying yourself in a way that commands respect. I find that many people unknowingly undermine themselves when they speak by over-apologizing and using qualifiers.”

Women, in particular, tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations and talk around the issue instead of facing it head-on. Fogh and Clark point out that we often go out of our way to avoid making someone else uncomfortable. But one awkward conversation can prevent lots of consternation down the road. It can help to focus on the issue, not the person’s character. That centers the conversation on a problem you can work together to solve, instead of coming off as an attack.

Know when to call it.

Part of figuring out how to handle difficult people is knowing when a discussion has gone from productive to toxic. “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” Fogh and Clark also recommend knowing your own body’s warning signs. Some people freeze up when they start losing control of a conversation. Others get butterflies or start feeling hot around the collar. When that happens and you can’t have a dispassionate discussion, it’s time to walk away and try again another time.

Resist the urge to get into the blame game. “I think often the place where conversations go off the rails is when someone puts intentions on an action,” Clark says. Then, you end up arguing over what each person meant, rather than what actually went down. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.'”

Decide when to drop the issue.

There’s a difference between behavior that meaningfully impacts your ability to live or work with someone and a personality quirk that drives you batty, but won’t ruin your life. “When difficult coworkers cross the line into bullying, it’s time to raise the issue to management or even human resources,” Wilding notes. If the issue impacts your reputation or your ability to do your job, then it’s time to escalate. But sometimes, you’ve got to live and let live.

Sometimes, power dynamics prevent us from solving communication issues or our workplaces are entrenched in systems designed to keep them from getting resolved. “The reality of the world of communication is that certain people can behave in ways that other people can’t get away with,” Fogh adds. “Women and people of color have different expectations of how they’re allowed to show up in the world. And those communication choices are not always going to land. They’re not always going to be appropriate. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess this up. But it’s the act of choosing that is empowerment.”

How to deal with difficult people

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Published Wed, Feb 7 20189:24 AM ESTUpdated Tue, Oct 16 201812:11 PM EDT
Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal, Contributors

Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.

First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.

Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.

Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.

Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.

Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”

But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.

Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder of The Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.

How To Deal With Difficult People

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PUBLISHED  · UPDATED 

Techtello.com

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers

Humans are social creatures who seek personal validation based on how others interact with them. We feel good and important when others share our belief system and dejected when there’s a conflict of opinions.

It’s then natural to want to work with people who are just like us, our clones.

So, every once in a while when we come across people who do not value our inputs, crush our ideas, ignore what we have to say, act as a know-it-all, seem to find pleasure in criticism, satisfaction in creating chaos and look for the negative side of things, it upsets us.

These so-called difficult people push our buttons by acting in undesirable ways. Their behaviour gives us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them. After all, they are at fault.

Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher once said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers.

Is there a better way of working with difficult people? Can we shift from acting as a critic who passes judgement or a victim who is being defensive to a responsible adult who can work with different types of people?

Before jumping to strategies, let us learn how we think, act and behave around difficult people. Without understanding our own mindset, any strategy we try to put to practice will be superficial. It will not address our underlying emotions, the most critical aspect to deal with while working with people we find difficult and challenging.

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. “Where we stand depends on where we sit”

How do we deal with difficult people?

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T - Tagging, R - Righteousness, I - Intention, C - Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. How we relate to someone else is driven by our own personality, expectations, background and experience.

Some people instantly click and connect to us and it is difficult to comprehend or rationalise why we trust them. Then there are others we dislike the moment we shake their hands with our inner voice whispering in our ears “I am not going to like this person”.

Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. That doesn’t mean there aren’t people who are largely unpopular, but they are very rare.

Once our mind takes us down the emotional path, we take a one-sided view of the problem. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T – Tagging, R – Righteousness, I – Intention, C – Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways:

T- Tagging leading to classification

Isn’t it easy to notice flaws in others while ignoring our own shortcomings?

We are quick to label others – he’s needy, manipulative, fake, cheat, pretentious, condescending, cynic, liar, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative.

From Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves— we know what we are “really like” inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others

Without making an attempt to understand the other person, what’s important to them, what’s their belief system and what could be driving this behaviour, we place people into buckets.

Tagging people happens in the part of our brain that runs on auto-pilot without our conscious awareness. It’s what helps our brain to apply shortcuts while dealing with others.

Classifying people into easy (safe) or difficult (threat) gives permission to our brain to act in certain ways.

R – Righteousness calling for rejection

The moment we find someone difficult, our body tightens up. We not only lose flexibility in our body, but in our response too.

We start believing in the righteousness of how we feel, what we want and why the other person deserves to be treated in a certain way. Once we reject them as a person, we start rejecting their ideas too. We take a stand and stick to it.

From Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Who died maintaining his right of way – He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong. You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong

The fixed view enables us to rationalise why the person is acting this way.

I – Intention driven by assumptions

Once we know we are right and the other person is indeed difficult, it’s easy to assume that they are acting out of bad intent.

Hanlon’s razor states –

“Never attribute to bad intentions that which is adequately explained by ignorance, incompetence, negligence, misunderstanding, laziness or other probable causes”

Without applying Hanlon’s razor as a mental model to understand their behaviour and look for alternate perspectives, we assume bad intention as the source of the problem.

We choose to live with our assumptions, without showing an intent to understand the other person and their action.

Difficult becomes synonymous with bad in our minds which further strengthens our belief system.

C – Confirmation of our beliefs 

Once we label someone as “difficult”, every interaction then serves as a validation of our beliefs. Confirmation bias prevails as we stick with our perception in all our discussions.

It leads us to reject the evidence that contradicts our beliefs and look for information that strengthens our point of view.

Whatever the person does or says is then viewed through a skewed lens that reinforces their difficult behaviour even though the interaction may be entirely normal.

We stick with our first impression instead of making an attempt to view every situation differently.

K – Keenness to fix others

We do not look at ourselves to determine what about us could be causing the other person to act in a particular way. Without changing our own behaviour, we expect others to act in a certain way.

The assumption that the other person is at fault leads to a desire to fix them.

They might be at fault, but we cannot fix someone else. The best we can do is to take charge of things which are under our control.

Take this advice from Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Many factors in interdependent situations are not in your Circle of Concern—problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively

Remember that our mind plays these tricks to help us make sense of the world and the people in it. Labelling someone difficult and sticking to it is letting your brain run on auto-pilot, while taking control requires conscious effort and deliberate thinking.

What happens when we interact with difficult people?

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger. We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety

Amygdala is an older part of our brain in the limbic system which is responsible for processing emotions and it is not very good at separating real danger from a perceived one.

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger.

We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety.

It can also drain us of our energy making us feel exhausted and can lead to overthinking which causes us to get stuck and drift away from important work in turn hitting our productivity.

4 strategies to handle difficult people 

We may not realise that we have supreme power over our own thinking and action, which contributes to how others around us behave. As Dr. Mike Bechtle advocates in People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys – “It means that we work on our side of the relationship, no matter what happens on the other side. We don’t change them; we change ourselves”

It may seem “right” to want others to change, but it’s extremely difficult. So, control what you can and stop thinking about what you can’t by following these 4 practices to deal with difficult people:

1. Separate the person from the behaviour

Labelling a person as difficult or bad doesn’t help. When you find someone difficult, you may think that you do not like the person, but it’s actually their behaviour that you dislike.

Separating the person from their behaviour will allow you to identify your own limits and determine what aspect of a person’s behaviour troubles you.

Following this as a practice every time you encounter a difficult person can help you to draw patterns – is it the perfectionist that bothers you or someone who’s too aggressive and loud, what about the extremely logical kinds who ignore emotional cues or people who stick to norms and fear disruption or maybe it’s the cultural misfits.

Once you understand this, you can be kind to the person while still devising strategies to deal with their behaviour.

It also enables a healthy dialogue by helping you shift in the language you use. There’s a huge difference in saying

“I find you obnoxious”

vs

“The idea that you suggested does not consider…”

First statement is about the person which can instantly make them defensive, while the second one is about their idea which invites the other person to have a healthy debate.

2. Widen your perspective

When you are having a tough time trying to understand why the other person is behaving in a manner that displeases you, take a moment to step back. Instead of passing judgement, explore answers.

Widen your perspective by asking these questions:

  • Why do I feel this way?
  • What does the other person feel in this situation?
  • How are my biases coming into play?
  • Could I be skipping some facts?
  • How do I contribute to this behaviour?
  • What if my feelings are wrong?
  • What does this situation and person teach me about myself?
  • Could they be feeling insecure around me?

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind

Turning the difficult moment into a learning experience can help you make changes in the way you respond, ask questions and act around difficult people. Some of these small changes can be big enablers for reinforcing positive behaviour.

It may even present an opportunity to the difficult person to shift their perspective by noticing how others around them behave and act.

3. Don’t react, act 

When you are upset, the natural tendency is to react without thinking straight. While not intentional, your reaction may give more power to the difficult person by acknowledging that they bother you. It causes fixation on a different problem than the one you intended to solve together.

A well thought out action, on the other hand, may diffuse the situation by shifting the focus from their difficult behaviour to the desire to find a solution together.

When dealing with difficult co-workers, show a collaborative mindset by

  • Discussing the outcomes that you both desire
  • Establishing boundaries on acceptable behaviour
  • Actively listening to the other person
  • Moving the focus from drama to finding solutions together

Action, not reaction drives results.

4. Take the hard road

Despite all your efforts to keep the drama in check, things may eventually not work out. Some people are indeed very difficult to manage.

Instead of being disappointed and reverting back to your default mode, involve the right people for guidance and seeking ideas.

Some other strategies that may also work and are worth trying:

  • Give candid feedback to the difficult person yourself or have their manager deliver the message
  • Involve a third party who can act as a mediator by adopting a more neutral tone

Humans are complex, irrational beings and we are not magicians to turn everyone into our clones.

But, we can add a little magic to our life by controlling our own behaviour around difficult people.

How do you manage difficult people at work and in life? Write to me or share your comments below.

12 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Coworker

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Indeed Career Guide

Posted on www.indeed.com/career-advice

July 23, 2020

 

Almost everyone has to work with a challenging coworker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and coworkers you enjoy. In this article, we share how to deal with a difficult coworker.

Related: The Best Ways to Get Along With Coworkers (Plus Tips and Examples)

The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker

Knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.

Related: The Most Effective Ways to Interact with Challenging Employees

How to deal with a difficult coworker

Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult coworker:

1. Learn to voice your thoughts

If your coworker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:

  • “I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”
  • “I would like you to treat our team with respect.” vs. “You only care about yourself.”
  • “I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”

Related: Interview Question: “How Do You Handle Conflict in the Workplace?”

2. Get to know their perspective

Sometimes getting to know your challenging coworker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of voice. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.

3. Focus on your positive relationships

Rather than dwelling on this coworker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other coworkers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite coworkers to do something fun outside of work.

4. Talk to your supervisor

When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this coworker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.

5. Accept their personality

You may find that this coworker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life, as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.

6. Stay neutral at work

If other coworkers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.

Related: How To Communicate Effectively With a Difficult Team

7. Limit your interactions

Limiting the amount of time you spend with this coworker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by coworkers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle in order to be mindful of their feelings.

8. Be the better person

Even if this person acts unprofessionally, it’s important that you have the skills to be the better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.

9. Know your trigger points

Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.

10. Focus on the positive

Though it may be easy to focus on this coworker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other coworkers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.

11. Reflect on your own actions

While thinking about this coworker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.

Related: Interview Question: “How Would Your Coworkers Describe You?” (With Examples)

12. Show compassion

Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your coworker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.

7 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People

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Adam Brady
Adam Brady

Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.

When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.

Part of the curriculum at the Chopra’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:

What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)
These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?
The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.

1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:

Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.

2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using
Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:

Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.
When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a positive new direction.

3. Don’t Take it Personally
When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.

In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate difficult conversations and potential conflict.

4. Practice Defenselessness
This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in a difficult situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary of their negativity.

Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.

5. Walk Away if Necessary
Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to set boundaries and consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the difficult situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.

6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity
As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.

Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”

7. Resonate Compassion
Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person is coping with their own issues; has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.

Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.

Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”

How to Self-Advocate When Dealing With Difficult People

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Written by: Chi Whitley
Junior Content Marketing Specialist at Siege Media who graduated from Rhodes College in 2016 with a B.A. in English with a specialization in writing.
When Chi isn’t writing blogs or creating content, you can find him outside hiking or playing disc golf with friends in Austin, TX.

 

Working full-time or even having a part-time job can be difficult and exhausting. What can make it more unbearable is having a difficult boss, manager, or coworker to deal with. 

 

Maybe they’re too negative or aren’t clear with their directions. Or, they run on emotions rather than thinking things through and having measured responses. Regardless of their shortcomings, it is most likely making your workday more difficult, which can induce stress and exhaustion. 

 

One way to better communicate with a difficult employee is for you to implement self-advocacy.

 

Self-advocacy is the skill of speaking up for yourself and communicating your worth to others. This skill is especially important to implement when someone is demanding too much of your time or is having an emotional moment that could have been better handled. Below you will find ways to self-advocate in both your personal and professional life when communicating with a difficult person.

How to Personally Self-Advocate

  1. Present Your Ideas

Standing up for yourself and speaking your mind can be difficult in environments where you don’t feel acknowledged or heard. However, no matter your background, you have valuable options and insight. When you find yourself in a situation at work or outside of it, present your ideas confidently and be ready to discuss them. For example, if you are trying to delegate pieces of a project and your manager doesn’t feel comfortable due to them being a perfectionist or not trusting their employees, then clearly explain each person’s role to both them and the manager at the same time, which helps ensure that nothing is lost in translation. End your email or in-person meeting with questions you can address.

  1. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Asking for help is a difficult self-advocacy skill to achieve but it can dramatically change the way you live and work. On days when you feel overwhelmed know that it is okay to ask for help. Asking for help can be handing off a project or portion of a project to a co-worker. It can also be advocating for yourself to your boss or supervisor by saying that you have too much on your plate to get what was requested of you in the required timeframe. Thus, you should ask what is a priority and what can be offloaded or pushed until a later date. 

  1. Say No, and Learn How to Do it Correctly

Saying no can be hard at home and can feel impossible at work. Especially if you’re in a new role or looking to be promoted soon. However, learning to say no is necessary at times. The first step towards mastering the art of saying no is to know yourself and know your limits. When one of those limits is in jeopardy and you feel overwhelmed or won’t be able to produce satisfactory work, then find an alternative solution. 

 

Here are several ways to say no:

  • “I have X, Y, Z on my plate. I can get to your request now or afterward. What is the priority of these projects?”
  • “I appreciate you asking me to help. However, I am unfamiliar with this project or software. Perhaps we can find someone else who is more adept at it.”
  • “Unfortunately, I cannot get to this right now. Let’s work together to find a solution.”

If you want to practice your self-advocacy skills for any area of your life, use this worksheet below and answer these prep questions to help identify your goals and communicate your needs.

 

Lastly, know that self-advocacy is hard to achieve. To better master the skill use the worksheet below from JobHero to help you self-advocate for yourself in different scenarios. You can find more tips on how to self-advocate in negotiations or job interviews here.

 

Personal Self-Advocacy Worksheet

How to Deal with Difficult People: 10 Expert Techniques

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Written by:

Mat Apodaca

On a mission to share about how communication in the workplace and personal relationships plays a large role in your happiness Read full profile

Doesn’t it seem like we deal with difficult people in almost all phases of our lives?

I’ve often had to deal with difficult people at work throughout my career. Sometimes it’s been my supervisor, other times it’s been my fellow associates and even other times, it’s people in other departments.

Then there are our families. I know it’s not just my family that can be extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve heard enough stories from friends to know that a lot of people’s families drive them to the brink from time to time.

And don’t even get me started on dealing with the multitudes of people we have to deal with at companies we interact with. Be it the cell phone company or the person that was supposed to fix my roof last year. I had to follow up every week for almost 4 months before they finally came and fixed something that should have been done in the first place.

Why was that so difficult?

There’s probably not an easy answer for why some people are difficult to deal with. The reasons are as varied as the people are. We are all different and sometimes, it’s shocking that we get along as well as we do.

Instead of analyzing why some people can be so difficult, let’s focus on what we can control — our reactions. Let’s look at 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people.

1. Use Lots of Kindness
Look, I get it. When dealing with difficult people, the gut reaction is to be difficult right back. When it feels like someone is attacking you, your first thought is to defend yourself. I’ve been there and still get caught up in that when I don’t slow down and take a pause.

What I have found in almost every difficult situation is kindness goes a lot further than being difficult. When two people are being difficult with each other, the situation tends to escalate to a point where nothing will get accomplished.

On the other hand, when you use lots of kindness with a difficult person many times, it diffuses the situation and you get more of what you want. This is one of the top techniques for dealing with difficult people.

2. Be Compassionate
Ever heard that saying about dealing with your own problems? That if you and a bunch of people shoved all your problems into a circle that you’d most likely take your own back once you saw everyone else’s? I love that.

The point is none of us really know what other people are going through. When dealing with a difficult person, it could be they are going through a very tough ordeal, or dealing with a really big problem you wouldn’t want any part of.

Many times when you show compassion to a person who is being difficult, you’ll find they respond in a positive manner. So many of us get stuck in our own heads and in our own lives that we don’t open our eyes to when others could use some kindness. Give it a try the next time you think about it.

3. Find Something in Common
Ever noticed how when you’re talking to someone for the first time, finding something in common creates a strong initial connection? We all love to feel like part of a group, like we belong. This is a great expert technique to deal with difficult people and one you should keep top of mind.

It’s always nice to find out we went to the same university as someone, it creates a kind of kinship. My daughters are both teenagers now but I used to feel a parental bond with someone when I found out my daughters went to the same school as their kids.

When we can find something in common with a difficult person, it can help make for a smoother conversation afterwards.

4. Stay Calm
Have you ever received an email from someone at work that immediately had you seeing red? This has happened to me on more occasions than I care to remember.

Working with a difficult person on a project can be infuriating. At my less rational moments, I’ve received an email from a difficult person whose only purpose seems to be making things harder and more confusing. When I haven’t paused before responding what usually happens is, I fire off an email that will only serve to make things worse.

Typically, if I can find the patience to stay calm and wait a while before responding, the results are much better. The ability to stay calm when dealing with a difficult person will help you greatly.

5. Share Your Side
Sometimes, being able to articulate to a difficult person where you are coming from will make a big difference.

For instance, if you’ve been running into brick wall after brick wall and the difficult person is your last avenue for resolution, sometimes that makes a difference.

Some people get caught in a standard script of how to deal in certain situations or when someone asks a certain question. If you can provide some context around your specific situation, sometimes that makes a huge difference.

You could let them know you’ve trying to solve your problem for months and you’ve tried X,Y, and Z but can’t get anywhere. Sometimes this is all it takes to open the empathy gates to some extent and get some help. Give it a shot.

6. Treat with Respect
I don’t know a single person who likes to be treated like they are stupid or incompetent. When dealing with a difficult person, always remember to treat them with respect. Once you start attacking someone and acting like they are stupid you might as well be slamming the door shut to get anything done.

Treating someone disrespectfully will almost always make things worse and at a bare minimum make the other person not want to do anything to assist you. It’s the same as remembering the golden rule “treat others as you would like to be treated”. Our mothers are almost always right.

7. Ignore Them
I’m a huge proponent of not interacting with negative people in my life. Why should I? All they seem to do is provide negative input and I don’t need any of that.

By the same token, sometimes the best course of action with a difficult person is to ignore or avoid them. This of course will depend if you can ignore them.

For instance if this is a fellow co-worker that you don’t have to work with much, it may be best to simply ignore them if you can.

Same thing with neighbors or certain people at stores or even potentially customers. Sometimes difficult customers are simply not worth dealing with. Their needs could be better served elsewhere and it’s not always a bad idea to let them know they could probably find someone else who could assist them in the way they are wanting.

8. Control What You Can
Many things in life we can control and many things we can’t. It’s always best to focus on what we can control.

When dealing with a difficult person, think about what you are able to control. Maybe there’s someone else you can deal with instead of the difficult person. They may be simply the first step in the chain.

Recently, I was attempting to work with the marketing department on a new initiative I was putting together. I was told to contact a certain person for help because that’s what had always been done. When I contacted the person, I never got a response. I sent multiple emails and left several voicemails and never heard back from this person. After getting extremely frustrated from never hearing back, I simply started asking other people in marketing.

Lo and behold, I found several people that were willing to help me with my project and with a smile. I basically worked my way around the difficult person. Control what you can.

9. Look at Yourself
Another one of the 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people is to take a look at yourself. As in turn your focus inward. Is there something that you are doing that is making dealing with someone harder than it needs to be?

For instance in general, I am in a pretty good mood. I interact with people all day just about everyday and overall, it goes fairly smoothly.

Sometimes, I’ve got a lot of my mind and am trying to solve a problem of some sort inside my head, even when talking to other people. It has been pointed out to me that I can come across as short, abrupt, and condescending when I am spending a lot of time inside my own head and also interacting with others.

So in this instance, my short condescending responses can make an already agitated person even more upset. Basically the way I respond is adding fuel to the fire.

Take a look at how you are interacting with difficult people to ensure you aren’t making it worse.

10. Overcome Your Fear of Conflict
One of the best techniques for dealing with difficult people is overcoming your fear of conflict. Many people are afraid of conflicts and this can lead to having difficult people walk all over them.

Dealing with a difficult person is challenging enough but if you don’t stand up for yourself and establish boundaries, it’s even worse. Just about everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don’t allow yourself to be treated poorly by a difficult person.

I’m not advocating intentionally starting conflict. What I am advocating is not fearing conflict in the event a difficult person is treating you poorly. Too many people allow others to have control over them by not standing up for themselves when needed.

Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. In many instances, it’s good because it can allow a resolution to come to fruition: How to Turn Any Conflicts into Opportunities

The Bottom Line
Difficult people are all around us in every aspect of our lives. I’ve certainly worked with many difficult people over the years as well as in everyday interactions with people in a wide variety of settings. I’m hopeful these 10 expert techniques to deal with difficult people will help you the next time the situation arises.

Communication with other people is such a huge key to living our lives. It’s well worth learning some techniques to deal with difficult people to help us all live happier lives.

 

3 Difficult Colleagues to Work With – And How to Best Work With Them

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Paul Petrone

Authored byPaul Petrone

Focused on connecting all professionals to economic opportunity

November 4, 2019

We all spend a lot of time each week with our colleagues, and, well, some of them aren’t so easy to work with.

What’s the secret to dealing with them? In his LinkedIn Learning course appropriately named Dealing with Difficult People, Instructor Chris Croft gives an in-depth overview of how to best work with difficult colleagues.

We picked three of the most frustrating and common colleagues to work with – the procrastinator, the negative colleague and the outright aggressive colleague – and shared Croft’s playbook for best working with them.

Let’s take them one-by-one:

1. How to Best Work With a Colleague Who Loves to Procrastinate

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a colleague who loves to procrastinate.

Working with the procrastinator can be frustrating, as they generally are nice people. But their constant delays or indecision hold back projects.

So you stew in anger, silently.

How to best work with them: Croft gave five tactics that inspire procrastinators into action. They are:

  • Remind them time is scarce. Tell them you need a decision by the end of the week to hit your deadline, for example.
  • Set a time limit. Similar to the last point, tell the procrastinator they need to make a decision in a set amount of time or else it can no longer happen. For example, say you need their approval on a time-sensitive campaign within three days – or else the campaign can’t happen.
  • Make it affect them. This works with customers and third-parties particularly well. Say you need an agency to get back to you in two days, tell them you’ll withhold payment if they don’t come through. Or, with a customer, tell them you can give them a lower price, but only if they decide by the end of the week.
  • Offer to help them. Give the procrastinator help, at least at the start to get them going. Say you need them to execute a campaign you are running – help them in the beginning set the scope of the campaign.
  • Agree on a plan. When giving the procrastinator an assignment, agree to a deadline with them at the start. Then, as that deadline approaches, it’s fair to check in to see how progress is going. This usually compels them into action.

Another option? Tell the procrastinator they indeed procrastinate. What’s key here is to have specific examples of the times they missed deadlines and how that’s affected both the organization and yourself.

Often, just raising the awareness of the issue will correct it, so long as it’s done respectfully.

2. How to Best Work With a Negative Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a negative colleague.

There’s always one of these in the office. Your company could have a record quarter, and they point out how this will just mean higher forecasts. Or, you throw a birthday party for a colleague, and they remind everyone they are on a diet and can’t eat the cake.

Not exactly a ray of sunshine.

How to best work with them: The first question you need to ask yourself when dealing with a negative person is – does it matter? Sure, they are negative and that can be irritating, but does that really have to affect you?

Hopefully, it doesn’t; you can know that’s how they are, accept them and move on. Or, if you truly find it too irritating to be around, you can avoid them. A third option – use their negativity as a virtue, as they sometimes can be useful playing the role of devil’s advocate, pointing out flaws others would miss.

But say that’s not possible and their negativity is causing your work to suffer. One thing you can do is bring their negativity to their attention.

Say they are trashing a new initiative by the company, for example. Ask them – thanks for the negatives, but do you see any benefits to it?

Or, inspire them to think of solutions, instead of complaints. Tell them the objective and have them create a plan to achieve it. This requires more productive thinking and gets them in a more can-do frame of mind.

3. How to Best Work With an Aggressive Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with an overly aggressive colleague.

These people can be exhausting – they want things their way, on their timeline and seemingly nothing is ever good enough. Unfortunately, these people tend to gravitate to positions of power as well, which only exasperates the problem.

How to deal with them: There are two options: one is learning to deal with them (which is often necessary if they are your boss or a customer), and one is trying to change them. Croft gave tips for each.

Let’s start with how to deal with them. Croft suggested using these three techniques:

  • Detach. Realize an aggressive person is aggressive because that’s their nature, it’s got nothing to do with you. So, if they yell at you or try to belittle you, remember: their aggression is a reflection on them, not you.
  • Resist either caving in or being aggressive back. When someone is aggressive toward you, the natural reaction is either to placate them and give them what they want or to aggressively resist. Neither is great. Instead, Croft recommends staying calm, acknowledging their comment (“I understand why you feel that way”) but then calmly restating what you want (“I still need another five days to finish this project due to unexpected circumstances”).
  • Take a time out. The worst time to reason with someone is when they are being really aggressive. Instead, say a non-committal statement like “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this” and then take a break. Often, when you pick the conversation back up at a later time, the person is apologetic for the way they acted or, at the very least, thinking more clearly.

The following three tips are good if you have to deal with an aggressive person. But, what if you want to change an aggressive person?

Croft suggests confronting them, using this four-step formula:

  • I understand. Start the conversation wtih a statement of empathy. The next time they are aggressive to you or someone else, talk to them after they cool down. Tell them you understand why they felt that way.
  • I feel. Next, tell them how it makes you feel. For example, maybe their actions made you feel marginalized or uncomfortable.
  • I want. Then, tell them what you want. Either, to approach conversations more calmly, or to be more open to the ideas of others.
  • Ask – is that okay? Here’s where the discussion happens. You want to confirm they understand what you mean by asking them if they do and also allow them to make their points as well. Here’s a good time to listen and understand their perspective better.

The takeaway

Whenever you are dealing with someone difficult at work, there are two options: either you learn to live with them or you try to change them.

Learning to live with them is the easier route most of the time. So long as you have a strategy for dealing with them, you’ll be okay.

Occasionally though, if it is directly affecting your work, you should make an effort to change them. While it requires more work upfront, if you are successful, you ensure this problem no longer persists.

And everyone will owe you a debt a gratitude for that.

Want to learn more? Watch Croft’s full LinkedIn Learning course, Dealing with Difficult People, today.

Topics within that course also cover:

How Do You Manage Challenging Behaviour in the Workplace?

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Posted by Rosalind Lang. Published: 

engageinlearning.com

Managing challenging behaviour in the workplace involves patience and great communication skills. Challenging behaviour in the workplace can occur for many reasons. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and unique ways of communicating and working with others. Organisations can set standards for acceptable behaviour and will have policies and procedures in place to handle behaviour should it become a problem. However, project managers often have to deal with day to day personality clashes and more minor examples of challenging behaviour.

So, how can you do something constructive about employees who behave in less than ideal ways in the workplace? We often start by putting up with it, or making allowances for it as tackling it head on is tricky. But this can result in a problem for everyone, as other people – customers, colleagues, suppliers and employees become frustrated and drained from dealing with complaints and negative talk. When there is someone in the office being difficult, unhelpful, moaning and generally not doing their job properly, it can result in bringing everyone down.

Basic communications tactics for challenging behaviour

Here are some basic communications tactics to use when you’re confronted with challenging situations in your workplace:

Keep calm

Express yourself in a direct and clear way. Don’t use threatening language of behaviour. Create a safe space for there to be open communication without judgement. Consider yourself in the position of the employee. This will help to reduce the chances of the conversation escalating and also provide an opportunity for the employee to open up about why they are behaving in a challenging way. By knowing the cause, it is possible to seek a solution.

Be specific

Providing details will help to keep the conversation on track. Vague details could easily inflame the situation. You must be very clear when describing the situation, using real examples. Simply discuss what you saw or what you have been told. But don’t state any assumptions. By making assumptions you allow the employee to respond defensively, and this will quickly curtail productive discussion.

Explain how the situation has impacted others

Put the situation in perspective by clearly outlining the impact the behaviour is having on those around them. Often people don’t consider how others are affected by their behaviour. So, addressing this head on can sometimes help people see the consequences of their ways.

Ask how they feel

Always give the employee an opportunity to think and talk about how the situation makes them feel. Aim for direct answers and get clarification if they aren’t making sense. By getting them to talk about it, they have the opportunity to communicate their point of view. Understanding this will help you learn how to work with them.

Acknowledge responsibility and work together

Accepting responsibility is very often a difficult thing to do. By taking the first steps and acknowledging your part to play, you take away the blame and establish a safe space. In this secure environment, your employee is more likely to take on their own responsibility for the situation. Once this has happened you can begin to work together to improve the situation.

Training

Engage in Learning provide Managing Conflict Pathway courses which will help you develop an effective and professional manner to handle conflict well and use it as a catalyst for growth and innovation. The Challenging Behaviour Effectively course will teach you how to identify difficult behaviour and develop a strategy to intervene.

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed

BY SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD
Updated September 02, 2019

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

© The Balance, 2018

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

Start out by examining yourself.

Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?

Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.

Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.

Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.

Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.

Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.

Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.

Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

Follow-up after the initial discussion.

Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.

Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.

You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.

Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.

You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

 Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.

What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss

  • Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
  • Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.

The Bottom Line

If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

Managing Difficult Employees and Disruptive Behaviors

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Posted on the SHRM.org site. Under the Toolkit section.

 

Scope—This toolkit looks at some of the most common disruptive employee behaviors, identifies the potential risks to the organization if the behavior is not corrected and offers strategies for constructively managing the performance of difficult employees. The article also discusses the roles of HR and the individual’s supervisor in managing the process, corporate written communication about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, and legal issues associated with disruptive employee behaviors. Although related to the topic, this article does not cover workplace harassment, involuntary termination of employment, the internal resolution of disputes or violence in the workplace.

Overview

Employee morale, productivity and customer service levels are at their highest when employees work effectively as a team and practice basic tenets of civility and respect for each other. This, unfortunately, is not always the case when employees display inappropriate and disruptive behaviors. Behavior that is not consistent with basic collegial and professional expectations can result in significant negative consequences to the organization and its people and can increase an organization’s potential legal liability.

This toolkit looks at some of the most common types of difficult and disruptive employee behaviors, identifies the potential risks to the organization if the behavior is not corrected, and offers suggestions for constructively managing the performance of individuals exhibiting these behaviors in the workplace.

Types of Problem Employee Behaviors

There is a wide range of behaviors exhibited by employees that can create risks for other individuals and the organization. Some general categories and examples include:

Gossiping. While it tends to have both harmless and vicious connotations, gossiping generally refers to the actions of an individual who habitually reveals personal or sensational information about others, whether factual or not. Examples include speculating on the cause of a co-worker’s divorce, repeating and embellishing overheard conversations meant to be private, and creating or repeating rumors about individuals or the company meant to be stirring or shocking.
Displaying general incivility/insolence. This includes engaging in rude, disrespectful speech or behaviors and physical intimidation, such as making insulting and demeaning statements; using angry, hostile tones; berating staff and colleagues in front of others; and shouting, throwing things or slamming doors when displeased. These behaviors are often directed at anyone the employee disagrees with or is agitated by.

Bullying. While bullying certainly can include uncivil behaviors, bullies often use less visible means of harming other employees, such as social isolation, condescending or contemptuous communications, and manipulation. Bullying is often directed at specific individuals, characterized by persistent abusive and intimidating behavior or unfair actions (assigning too much work, constantly changing deadlines, poor performance ratings, etc.), causing the recipient to feel threatened, abused, humiliated or vulnerable. Bullying is about having power over someone else—often a direct report, but also anyone who may seem weaker to the bully.
Exhibiting insubordination. Insubordination refers to an employee’s intentional refusal to obey an employer’s lawful and reasonable orders. This can manifest as a single event worthy of discipline or termination or as a series of lesser events that work to undermine a supervisor’s authority over time. Examples of the latter include repeated warnings to reduce hostile remarks in meetings or to reduce harmful gossiping about other employees that go unheeded. See What constitutes insubordination?
See:

Workplace Gossip: What Crosses the Line?
How Do You Deal with Difficult Employees?
Are You a Toxic Leader or Just a Tough Boss?

Business Case

The impact of disruptive behaviors on an organization are far ranging: Decreases in productivity, performance, employee commitment and company reputation will all affect the bottom line, as will increases in turnover costs, use of sick leave, disability claims and legal expenses.

Moreover, toxic behaviors spread like viruses. The problem may start with one person behaving badly, but over time, the people who work around disruptive individuals may begin to behave differently and to believe the organization has a high tolerance for such misbehavior.

In a 2016 survey conducted by Weber Shandwick, Civility in America VII: The State of Civility, 30% of managers indicated that they had fired or threatened to fire someone due to incivility and nearly 25% of employees said they had quit a job due to an uncivil workplace. Additionally, 87% of workers indicated that workplace incivility has an impact on work performance, including in the following ways:

55% of respondents said their morale suffered.
45% expressed a desire to quit.
38% felt anger toward co-workers or the employer.
36% noticed a reduction in the quality of their work.
33% discouraged others from working at the company.
32% experienced a negative effect on their personal time.
26% felt less creative.
23% called in sick.
See How Rudeness Stops People from Working Together.

Workplace bullying is also prevalent in today’s workplaces. Findings from a 2017 survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute found the following:

19% of U.S. workers are bullied, and another 19% witness it.
61% of U.S. workers are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace.
70% of perpetrators are men, and 60% of targets are women.
61% of bullies are bosses, and the majority (63%) operate alone.
40% of bullied targets are believed to experience adverse health effects.
To make the bullying stop, 65% of targets leave their jobs.
With over 60 percent of the offenders having a higher job status than the target, this a problem that must be addressed from the top down. See Are You in a Bully-Prone Industry? and The Bully and the Bottom Line.

Employee use of social media adds another layer of concern for employers, as employees may bully or be uncivil to one another on social networking sites. In addition, postings that portray the employer in a negative light may go viral, damaging an employer’s reputation and brand. Employers may not always know about such postings, but when they become aware, they need to act. See What HR Can Do About Cyberbullying in the Workplace and Disruptive Facebook Comments Justified Firing.

HR’s Role

HR professionals can play an integral role in providing guidance and training to managers with difficult employees. HR should adopt the role of business partner and help managers look at the presenting issue and uncover the underlying issue. A critical step is getting the manager to recognize that a problem exists. Managers often avoid dealing with interpersonal issues because these problems can be very difficult to resolve. HR professionals can assist managers in identifying problems and strategizing possible solutions. Employers should ensure that conflicts are resolved early on as part of an overall organizational strategy to prevent workplace violence from occurring.

See:

How to Create a Culture of Civility
How to Create a Bully-Proof Workplace
What measures can an employer take to stop employees from gossiping?
How to Resolve Workplace Conflicts

Enabling Factors

Managers and colleagues are often unwilling to intervene or complain about a disruptive colleague. Co-workers may fear retribution or that the negative behaviors will intensify if they speak up. Managers can be reluctant to have these difficult conversations with employees and are often unprepared to address these behaviors in ways that might bring about positive changes. Additionally, those who manage departments that are short-staffed are often reluctant to do anything that might lead to the loss of an otherwise contributing staff member.

Taking action requires courage that many employees and managers may not have. They rationalize their inaction with logic like:

Maybe the problem will correct itself if I just leave it alone.
Perhaps I will be relocated or promoted soon and the next person can deal with this.
Confronting the issue would be so traumatic that it would do more harm than good.
We have found viable workaround measures.
We have bigger problems. Exposing this situation would be a distraction from critical work.
Unfortunately, the problem will not usually go away if it is tolerated or ignored; in fact, it will likely worsen. The disruptive individual may interpret a manager’s tolerance of inappropriate behavior as accepting or condoning the behavior, which then may escalate.

Managers may be enabling a problem employee if:

They say they are working around a “problem.”
Employees accuse them of “playing favorites.”
Employees comment that they do not understand documented policies (as they are not being enforced).
A well-known issue is denied or downplayed.
Managers have an ethical and sometimes legal obligation to investigate complaints or other evidence of bad behavior and to prevent its reoccurrence by taking prompt, appropriate remedial action. If the employer ignores the problem, it runs the risk of condoning unprofessional behavior and becomes vulnerable to potential legal liability.

Strategies for Dealing with Difficult Employees and Disruptive Behaviors

Many employees are promoted into people manager roles without any training whatsoever, leaving them unprepared to navigate a path to reduce or eliminate disruptive behaviors when they appear. The difficult employees themselves may have never acquired the appropriate social skills to interact at a professional level and to work as a productive member of a team.

Train.

Preventive, ongoing training can lay the groundwork for employees to understand their behavioral expectations and for managers to be prepared to act when employees fall short of those expectations. Basic training in people management and conflict resolution is a good starting place. Many organizations offer in-house or outsourced people management programs, some of which include 360-degree assessments that help to gauge where the manager’s people skills may need development. Providing your managers with support, including the tools they need to succeed, will help them feel more confident when confronted with difficult employees.

Facilitating meaningful teamwork activities can also build better understanding between co-workers. Some employers use workplace personality testing modules to help employees recognize they may have different work styles and different tendencies in how they interact with others. Often, this realization of how one’s own style and tendencies are just as valid as someone else’s opposite style and tendencies can go a long way to diffuse formerly frustrating interactions.

More companies are now including civility training for all employees, which can include business etiquette, cultural sensitivity and diversity awareness components. Training should not only define civility and list the employer’s expectations, it should teach what civility looks like and describe or act out scenarios ripe for incivility, giving participants the chance to practice how to maintain composure instead of acting out. Microsoft’s Precision Questioning class teaches participants to question their own ideas and how to have effective and efficient discussions. The Department of Labor offers two prevention programs for employers, “Leading for Respect” and “Respect in the Workplace,” which deal with civility, acceptable workplace conduct and behaviors that contribute to an inclusive workplace. See New EEOC Training Helps Employers Create Respectful Workplaces.

Take notice and listen.

One of the main reasons employees engage in disruptive behaviors is because they don’t feel they are being heard. When unacceptable behaviors appear, good managers will start to pay close attention to what is going on and not turn away from problems they’d rather ignore. Make note of specific behaviors to address, including when they were observed and who was present. Take time to collect information and understand the issue as fully as possible. Be sure to solicit the problematic employee’s point of view; by doing so, managers often learn of something that is blocking the employee’s progress and causing them stress, which can be addressed and resolved. Just being heard can also be a factor in de-escalating negative behaviors before they get out of control.

Provide honest feedback.

The key to managing difficult or disruptive employees is to distinguish the person from his or her behaviors. Talk to the employee about the behaviors being unacceptable, but take care not to make any personal attacks on who the employee is as a person. Saying things like, “You’re a troublemaker” or “You’ve got anger issues” are personal judgments that will put the employee on the defensive and hinder any productive exchange. Instead, focus on the behaviors by saying, “Your behaviors are effective here; they are not effective here.” Give specific examples of when the employee was displaying the unacceptable behaviors so he or she doesn’t have to guess. For example, “You’ve raised your voice three times in meetings in the last two weeks in response to a co-worker’s legitimate, respectful question” or “I’ve heard you talk negatively about Joe and Sue to other employees” are specific to the behaviors that need to be addressed. Discuss appropriate behaviors with the employee, and ensure that he or she understands what is expected in the future. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that good employees would instinctively know what to do to correct their behaviors or even that they would know their behaviors are problematic in the first place. See How to Give Feedback to People Who Cry, Yell, or Get Defensive.

Document and follow disciplinary policies.

Employers tend to forget that job performance expectations include behavioral expectations. In doing so, managers may talk to employees about their disruptive behaviors, even several times, but never document the interactions. Then, if they reach a point where they want the employee fired, there’s no record of what discussions took place and what clear expectations were set. It’s understandable that managers hope the behaviors will go away, but when they don’t, having the documentation in hand will support an employer’s actions to discipline or terminate if the situation becomes untenable. Even if all other job goals are being met, a disruptive employee displaying toxic behaviors is engaging in an actionable offense.

Employees should be told the specific consequences of failure to improve their performance. If an employee will be discharged if no improvement is shown, the employee should be told precisely that. Mincing words or speaking in generalities to avoid difficult statements is unfair to the employee, who may be surprised that the consequences are harsher than expected. A fair notice would entail a conversation that is direct yet respectful. Ultimately, though, the employee has the responsibility to adjust his or her behavior to correct the problem.

See:

Tried-and-True Ways to Deal with a Workplace Bully
When a Foul Mouth Might Get You Fired—And When It Might Not
Disruptive Behavior Justified Employee’s Discharge
Attack Bullying Without Being Attacked

Follow up with the employee.

One of the most common mistakes managers make is to have the appropriate conversation with an employee, consider the matter closed and put away the file. The greatest factor in sustaining improvements in performance is follow-up. Improvements should be recognized, and employees should be held accountable for failures in not correcting the behavior. Nothing will affect the morale of other employees faster than watching unacceptable performance go unaddressed or, worse, be addressed and then tolerated, which suggests that the manager is incapable of dealing with the situation. Working with an employee, though, and giving him or her a chance to improve can also be an effective morale booster. See Insubordinate Employees May Deserve a Second Chance.

Communication

Many corporate codes of conduct and labor agreements contain requirements that employees and managers treat each other with dignity and respect and conduct themselves in a professional manner. In addition, most organizations have policies that prohibit harassment and discrimination, including actions that may lead to an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.

One caveat to these conduct-related policies is to ensure that they do not interfere with Section 7 rights under the National Labor Relations Act, which allow employees to engage in protected, concerted activity regarding the terms and conditions of employment. The National Labor Relations Board has gone back and forth on how these policies must be worded; therefore, legal review of all current and any new conduct policies is recommended. See NLRB Ruling Provides More Flexibility for Employer Handbook Policies.

When organizations communicate clear expectations and take appropriate actions, the workforce will be better able to differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

Metrics

The cost of workplace bullying and other disruptive employee behaviors can be measured in many ways. An organization can, for example, analyze the impact of these negative behaviors based on:

Turnover.
Employee engagement.
Commitment to the organization.
Job satisfaction.
Productivity levels.
Work quality.
Estimated number of lost work hours.
Legal Issues

Legal risks are associated with confronting disruptive employees about their behavior. Federal and state employment laws protect employees from discrimination based on age, race, gender, national origin, religion, disability, and, in some states, marital status and sexual orientation. In addition, whistle-blower or retaliation protections and collective bargaining agreements can create some additional areas for legal concern.

When employees who belong to one or more of these protected classes face discipline, they may feel they are being treated differently than those employees who are not members of the same class. Keeping all disciplinary conversations focused on the employee’s actual performance problem is important. Although discrimination and harassment laws prohibit employers from making employment decisions based on an employee’s membership in a protected class, basing decisions on performance helps prevent even the appearance of a violation of these laws. Even if an employee feels he or she is the victim of discrimination or harassment, concentrating on performance helps maintain the focus on the true employment issues at hand, keeps the employer compliant, and shows respect for employees and their rights in the workplace.

Workplace bullying is inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, but it is not prohibited by federal law unless the basis for it is tied to a protected category, such as race or sex. Several states have introduced workplace anti-bullying bills in recent years and in 2019, Tennessee’s Healthy Workplace Act, prohibiting workplace bullying that is not based on a protected category, was extended to include private employers.

HR professionals share their stories about handling problem people at work.

How Do You Deal With Difficult Employees?

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HR professionals share their stories about handling problem people at work.

HR professionals share their stories about handling problem people at work.

By Dori Meinert

 

You went into HR because you love people, right?

But admit it—sometimes those people can be real pains.

In every group, there seems to be at least one person who saps morale, slows productivity and stirs up anger in other team members because of his or her bad attitude, refusal to play by the rules or just plain disturbing behavior. And you know you can’t let these situations fester.

To give you some practical tips on what to do, we asked HR professionals to share their stories about difficult employees and what they learned from dealing with problem people over the years. Here’s what your peers had to say.

Learn Their Strengths

I heard talk around the office about a particular employee’s habit of avoiding work. While her colleagues carried a heavy workload, she spent a lot of time engaging in personal matters during work hours. She found clever ways of deflecting her responsibilities and having those around her address them. For example, if a customer called, instead of taking care of his or her concern immediately, she asked the person to call back when she knew others would be around to follow up.

After taking time to get to know her better, I learned that she was actually quite miserable in her current role. I helped her to establish career goals and develop a plan for achieving them. Her behavior toward others improved after she transitioned into a different position. The employee ultimately became a go-to person in her department.

Lessons learned: When you focus on finding the right fit between an employee’s strengths and the job she is asked to perform, success is almost guaranteed to follow. Coach employees to develop a plan that will help them reach their goals. Finally, provide abundant feedback and celebrate their achievements. This will create a win-win situation for both the employees and the organization.

—Jennifer Diaz, SHRM-CP, director of HR, World Evolve Inc., Miami

Identify the Problem

What defines a “difficult” employee? Is it a person who is a little unorthodox in his approach to work but stays inside the lines enough to avoid disciplinary issues? Or the worker whose manager never helped set her up for success or who put her in a no-win situation? Is it the person who is facing tremendous personal challenges and just doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to handle problems at work as well?

We can all identify specific behaviors that cause us to label employees. But to me, the more important questions are: What is the root cause of people’s actions? Why would individuals choose to act out in the place where they make their livelihood? I don’t believe that employees wake up in the morning thinking about how to screw up at work. But most of us have probably been in a situation where we daydreamed about telling our boss off or walking out the door and never coming back.

We can’t “fix” employees the way we can a leaky faucet. They are the people we decided to hire or retain at our organizations, and we are responsible for identifying what may be causing them to act in a manner that we’ve decided makes them “difficult.”

I’m not saying that you should tolerate employees who are insubordinate, violent or threatening—those are grounds for immediate dismissal. But such cases are few and far between.

Lessons learned: I’ve learned to listen and try not to make assumptions. It’s not easy. I’m only human. I’ve also figured out how much I am willing to tolerate. Sometimes the “difficult” employee isn’t the problem; it’s the organization’s culture. Other times, the employee is just a pain, and you need to help him be happy—somewhere else.

—Sarah L. Davis, SHRM-SCP, SPHR, HR manager, Carlton Fields, Tampa, Fla.

Delve Down

At a previous company, I had an employee in her first professional position after graduate school who had a bad attitude. She complained frequently about putting in long hours, and no one liked working with her.

When she came to talk to me about feeling overwhelmed in her job, I listened and recommended some resources, including the employee assistance program, to help her cope with the demands of her role. I also told her that if she felt the position wasn’t right for her, it was OK to seek opportunities elsewhere and perhaps return after she gained more experience. She seemed relieved.

Then we got to the real issue behind her long work hours. In the course of our conversation, it became clear that work was all she had going on in her life. She was new to the area and hadn’t yet made any social connections. We talked about how she could become a part of the community. She reconnected with her sorority via the local alumnae chapter and took on a leadership position. Things really changed for her.

She ended up leaving our company on good terms, and she said that having activities outside of work gave her confidence to move forward in her career. We’re still in touch even though we both have moved on to other organizations.

Lessons learned: Engaging with the employee helped me get to the real issue fast. The old adage of not putting all of your eggs in one basket is good for everyone to remember. We need to balance our work life with outside interests that engage us in different ways.

—Vickie L. Robinson, SHRM-CP, national director of HR, Armed Services YMCA of the USA, Springfield, Va.

 

Communicate

Be Transparent

After I was promoted to a newly created recruiting position, one director was apparently nervous about how I would affect others’ jobs. This individual became combative and even went to the vice president, who was my new manager, alleging that I was taking credit for others’ efforts, failing to visit recruiting locations frequently enough and not spending enough time with the team.

I responded by presenting facts. I provided evidence that tracked my recruiting efforts and success rates as well as how I had praised hiring managers and HR professionals involved in each hire. I showed this director my calendar, which clearly spelled out where I was going and what was being discussed at each location. I also shared examples of my work, including a training session with HR managers to help them explain the importance of recruiting to the operations managers. Finally, I conducted a survey of HR managers, who indicated support for my new position.

Lessons learned: Be as transparent as possible and constantly seek feedback, especially with new initiatives and roles. I could have become defensive, but I saw that this director was reacting out of fear. As frustrating as it was, I wanted to overcome this person’s apprehensions and gain an advocate. I have since been promoted to a director role, and I continue to explore novel ways to develop current HR managers so they can advance in their careers.

My advice: Don’t take criticism personally. Rely on facts to educate others, and figure out a way to work with each other to achieve the company’s goals.

—Toby Atkinson, SHRM-CP, HR director, Mid South Region of North Carolina, Cintas Corp., Statesville, N.C.

Communicate Clearly

Years ago, I had a micromanaging supervisor who found fault with everything her direct reports, including me, did. She had an analytical mind and drilled everything down to the very core, but she never shared all of the information that was needed to complete a task correctly. It wasn’t out of malice; she simply assumed that everyone thought the same way she did and was shocked to learn otherwise. I dealt with this behavior by taking notes on each conversation, asking questions and listening for an action item. I tried to stay ahead of the action items by providing daily follow-up on my progress.

Lessons learned: I learned to communicate more clearly and to be more detail-oriented in tackling assigned tasks. Expectations of the HR role vary from employer to employer, so it is particularly important to understand exactly what’s being asked of you.

—Vicky Sherry-Moore, HR manager, Genex Systems, Newport News, Va.

Plan Ahead

Screen Well

At a previous company, we hired someone as a program aide who seemed to be more interested in climbing her way up to become CEO than doing actual work. Of course, the error in our hiring decision revealed itself all too abruptly when she argued with me, in front of our customers, about completing a small task that I had asked her to do while I handled other business. She felt her time would be best utilized accompanying me on one of my assignments.

When I insisted that she stay behind to greet our customers, she abandoned her station—and our customers—to go to headquarters to complain. The program manager was stunned by the aide’s lack of professional maturity. I was baffled as well. Needless to say, she was released.

Lessons learned: This experience reinforced for me the importance of conducting proper background screening, reference checks and behavioral-based interviews.

—Crystal Black, program coordinator, Action Management Corp., Flint, Mich.

Be Prepared

We had a male employee who was the subject of a workplace harassment complaint. A co-worker reported that he threatened her when she refused his requests for a date. After learning that she had a boyfriend, the male worker allegedly punched, kicked and pushed over a soda machine. We decided to terminate his employment, but we were concerned that he might react violently.

I partnered with the security team to investigate the allegations and develop workplace safety measures for the female worker. I met with the male employee in a neutral, private location to deliver our findings. Once we decided to fire him, I coached the business leader on how to conduct the meeting. We took safety precautions but made sure they weren’t visible to the employee. Fortunately, he didn’t react in an aggressive manner.

In another situation, a high-level female executive within the organization was so upset when someone arrived late to a meeting that she literally charged at him and pushed him out of the office. We were all shocked into silence, and then the meeting resumed as if nothing had happened. Later, I privately addressed the behavior with the leader. However, to my regret, we never discussed the incident as a group. What I didn’t know was that this leader was already widely perceived to be a bully who intimidated others—even though she was under 5 feet tall.

Lessons learned: Be prepared. Whether the worst-case scenario comes to pass or not, it’s better to be safe than sorry. When you see someone at any level behave inappropriately, reinforce the company’s expectations for conduct at work. Act quickly and responsibly to lead the team back on track.

Both examples also highlight that our assumptions aren’t always correct. The previously violent man left in peace, while the diminutive woman resorted to using bodily force. Intimidation can take many forms—wielding physical strength or positions of power. Part of being ready means learning to expect the unexpected.

—Tracy Frazier, SHRM-SCP, director, advice and counsel services, HR, Memorial Hermann Health System, Houston

Stay Calm

Show Respect

I once took over the position of an HR colleague who was resigning. When I asked her why she was leaving, she said, “The employees here are horrible! If you discipline them, they’ll scratch your car!”

But I soon discovered that she could be difficult in her own right. She took a judgmental approach in dealing with the staff and often shook her finger at them when she got angry. When she delivered corrective action, she would occasionally offer admonitions like, “You know better than this!”

So I decided early on that I would reserve my emotions for situations that I felt could only be improved by displaying them. I don’t mean that I was insincere. It’s just that sometimes I wanted employees to see me as a compassionate human being, and other times I preferred that they view me as someone with no emotional investment in a particular outcome.

I soon got to test my theory when a worker who was an alleged gang member flashed a knife at a fellow employee while on the job. When I terminated his employment, the last thing I wanted to do was to give him a reason to direct his anger toward me (or my car). I needed for him to be upset with himself and to learn from his actions. I sat him down, presented his termination notice and said, “I’m sure you know why we’re here. Most employers, including our company, have zero-tolerance policies against any sort of violence or threats in the workplace. Unfortunately, the necessary result of your actions today is going to be the termination of your employment. This document explains the situation to you. I know I can’t make you sign it, but I’d like for you to. Your signature is not an agreement, but just an acknowledgment that we had this conversation.” He signed it, and I asked if he had any questions. He then left peacefully.

Lessons learned: I concluded that what’s important isn’t whether I display emotion but whether I’m able to show respect. If an employee is being difficult, I do my best to understand why he’s behaving that way. If the behavior warrants formal corrective action, then I always treat the employee with respect and honesty. It works. My car still hasn’t been scratched.

—Jason Kelinske, SHRM-CP, HR business partner, Sinomax-USA, Houston

Be Fair

Most people become difficult when they feel like they’re not being treated fairly or consistently. Complaints are raised to me or my team when employees feel like there’s nowhere else to turn, so associates are usually more difficult at this stage. The range of difficulty varies. They may have created an uncomfortable atmosphere in their department. We’ve had people become agitated and leave work abruptly or say things that weren’t appropriate. We’ve had workers post negative comments about their supervisors or the company on social media.

The best thing you can do is listen. Set up a time to speak with the associate. Ask why she’s frustrated. When did it begin? How did it get to this point? Speak to the other parties involved. Frequently, you find that it’s a misunderstanding and there are two sides to the story.

Lessons learned: Never take anything at face value. You may think that the associate is being difficult, but in reality there is a legitimate reason for her frustration. If you can work through the issue, you may be able to turn the situation around.

Be patient and treat the associate with sensitivity. You don’t know what others are going through in their personal lives. Usually, people are being difficult as a cry for help. Try to get them to respond reasonably rather than emotionally.

—Denise Domian, senior vice president, HR, The Bon-Ton Stores Inc., Milwaukee

 

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

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Handle Difficult People

Travis Bradberry
Co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and President at TalentSmart

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Related: 10 Habits of Unlikeable People

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

Related: 9 Phrases Smart People Never Use In Conversation

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

Related: Why Smart People Don’t Multitask

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

A version of this article appeared on TalentSmart.

 

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed

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Updated September 02, 2019

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

 

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

© The Balance, 2018

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

Start out by examining yourself.

Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?

Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.

Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.

Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.

Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.

Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.

Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.

Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

Follow-up after the initial discussion.

Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.

Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.

You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.

Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.

You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

 Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.

What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss

  • Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
  • Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.

The Bottom Line

If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

10 Tips for Dealing With Difficult People at Work You Can Learn to Deal With Difficult People: Use These 10 Tips

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BY

SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD

Full Bio 

Susan Heathfield is an HR and management consultant with an MS degree. She has covered HR for The Balance Careers since 2000.

In every workplace, you will have difficult coworkers. Dealing with difficult coworkers, bosses, customers, clients, and friends is a skill worth perfecting. Dealing with difficult situations at work is challenging, yet rewarding.

You can vastly improve your own work environment and morale when you increase your ability to deal with the people at work. You also make your workplace a better environment for all employees when you address the problems that a difficult coworker is causing for the team.

Fortunately, in most workplaces, you spend the majority of your days dealing with the normal, everyday people in the office. But, in the event that a coworker is a difficult person, you’ll need additional skills in your interpersonal skills arsenal.

You can increase your skill in dealing with the difficult people who surround you in your work world. These tips will help you.

 

Dealing With Difficult People at Work

Man holding 2 fists apart
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Difficult people are found in every single workplace. Difficult people come in every variety that you can imagine. But, how difficult a person is for you to deal with depends a lot on such factors as your self-esteem, your self-confidence, how closely you must work with them on a daily basis, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. You can team together to address the behavior or inform management and Human Resources staff to get help addressing the employee issue before it spirals into negativity.

Dealing with difficult people is much harder if the individual is publicly undermining your professional credibility, claiming credit for your contributions or attacking you personally like a bully.

 

The Bully

boss shouting at worker
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Do you think that you work with a bully? You do if you regularly feel intimidated, dread to work anywhere near a particular coworker, and feel dismayed and upset about having to go to work. If you are yelled at, insulted, and put down, you work with a bully. If you have felt psychologically or physically threatened at work, you work with a bully.

Do you have a coworker who talks over you at meetings, who regularly criticizes your performance, and steals credit for your work? If you answer yes to these questions, then the chances are that you’re one of 54 million Americans who have been targeted by a bully at work.

 

Negative Coworker

Coworkers with aggressive hand gestures while holding digital tablet
RgStudio / Getty Images

Some coworkers wallow in their negativity. They don’t like their jobs, and they don’t like working for their company. They always have bad bosses who are jerks who always treat them unfairly. The company is always going to fail, and its customers are worthless and demanding.

You know these negative coworkers—every organization has a few. You can best deal with these negative coworkers by avoiding their presence at work. Find out more about dealing with negativity.

 

Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict

worker and customer talking
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Confronting a coworker is never easy, but it’s often needed if you want to stick up for your rights at work. Whether the confrontation is about sharing credit for work accomplished, coworker habits and approaches that are irritating or sloppy, intentional missed customer delivery deadlines, or about keeping a project on track, sometimes you need to confront your coworker.

Although confrontation should not be your first step, you can become better and more comfortable with the necessary conflict. These tips will help you feel more comfortable when you need to confront a coworker.

 

Develop Effective Work Relationships

team putting together a puzzle
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You can ruin both your job and your career by the relationships you develop with your coworkers at work. Your education, experience, or title don’t matter if you can’t play well with your coworkers. You won’t succeed in your career without forming positive relationships at work.

Effective relationships, with the boss and coworkers, create success and satisfaction on the job. Learn more about seven effective work relationship musts.

 

How to Hold a Difficult Conversation

workers going over an important document
Reza Estakhrian/Iconica/Getty Images

Have you encountered any of these examples of needing to deal with difficult people at work? They’re just examples of the types of behavior that cry out for responsible feedback from a coworker or boss. But, for most people, holding a difficult conversation about a sensitive topic is challenging at work.

These steps will help you hold difficult conversations when people need professional feedback provided professionally. Holding a difficult conversation can have positive outcomes when the conversation is approached properly; here’s how to attain them.

 

Tackle Annoying Employee Habits and Issues

boss talking down to worker
Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Have you worked with a coworker who had annoying habits such as loud gum chewing or bringing personal issues to the office every day? How about a coworker who had personal hygiene problems or exuded the smell of alcohol and coffee at work? You know what a problem and productivity downer these kinds of behavioral and personal issues can present in the workplace.

If you want to attain some happiness at work, you must address these issues. Do you need some help and ideas about how to hold a difficult conversation? Here’s how you can courageously address coworkers who have annoying habits in your workplace.

 

Dealing With Difficult Bosses

Woman demonstrates frustration and covers her ears
ONOKY – Eric Herchaft/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

Nothing is more destructive in the workplace than difficult bosses. Every employee has bosses who provide direction throughout their working careers. Hopefully, most of your bosses are competent, kind, and worthy of your trust and respect. They play such a significant role with the employees who report to them. Bosses can make or break an employee’s day.

Too often, employees have difficult bosses who have a negative impact on their desire to engage and contribute in the workplace.

 

Team Building With Coworkers

team meeting
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You want to be well known and liked among the people the company regards as their superstars, allies who have power and will speak up for you. You can achieve job security if you are viewed as a superstar by your organization.

Building alliances at work is smart and effective behavior when you want to develop positive coworker relationships. These alliances are also crucial for dealing with difficult or destructive coworker behavior in the workplace. They are also crucial when you want your ideas to be implemented.

 

Manage Gossip

woman whispering to woman
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Gossip is rampant in most workplaces. It often seems that people have nothing better to do than gossip about each other. They gossip about their coworkers, their managers, and their company’s prospects for success. They frequently take a partially true fact and blow it all out of proportion to its importance or intended meaning.

Dealing with difficult situations involving gossip occurs in every workplace. Find out how dealing with difficult gossip is a must-do and a can-do. You can obliterate destructive gossip from your workplace.

9 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work

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As posted in the Business Insider: June 22, 2011. Written by Celestine Chua.

 

Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.

Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.

Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.

After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.

So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?

Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:
1. Be calm.
Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.

Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.

2. Understand the person’s intentions.
I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?

3. Get some perspective from others.
In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.

4. Let the person know where you are coming from.
One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.

5. Build a rapport.
With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.

6. Treat the person with respect.
No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.
Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.

8. Ignore.
If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.

9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.
When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.

 

Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂

Written by Celestine Chua. Celestine chose her passion over everything else when she left her high paying Fortune 100 career in 2008. Today, she enables thousands to achieve their goals and dreams through her popular personal development blog CelestineChua.com and her coaching.

4 Types of Difficult Co-Workers and How to Deal with Them without Losing your Mind

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CNBC.com

Everyone wants to work in a friendly and productive environment, but sometimes even one bad co-worker can make getting your job done seem near impossible.

Psychologist Amy Cooper Hakim, an expert on employer-employee relationships, says this is a problem many people face.

“The biggest issues stem from improper communication, poor tactics,” Hakim tells CNBC. “We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.”

In a revised version of the book “Working With Difficult People,” which was originally written by Hakim’s grandmother, Hakim details how to deal with virtually every type of exhausting co-worker, including bosses and subordinates.

Here are few types of difficult co-workers, along with some tips on how to handle them:

1. Tacklers

A “tackler” is a coworker who attacks you personally while arguing an issue, according to Hakim.

“These colleagues are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration and tackle you instead of the problem,” she writes.

Don’t stop suggesting great ideas just because you have a co-worker like this. Try to move the emphasis away from people and back to the issue or idea, the psychologist suggests. Or talk with the co-worker privately.

“Say that you’d like to have a better relationship and ask how she thinks you might be able to resolve your differences,” Hakim writes.

If that tactic still doesn’t work, consider your options. Hakim advises that if the tackler has many friends in high places, try to just concentrate on doing your job and make more friends, as an ongoing feud could hurt your ability to advance.

If, on the other hand, the situation is truly unbearable, get help.

“For those circumstances where you cannot handle a hostile colleague alone, quickly contact the appropriate resources to get the help that you need,” she writes.

Be calm but assertive when dealing with a bad co-worker, Hakim writes.
Be calm but assertive when dealing with a bad co-worker, Hakim writes.
Milton Brown Creative/Getty Images

2. Enviers

“These peers are resentful,” Hakim writes. “They want what you have. More than that, they believe they should have what you have.”

Even a simple “Congratulations” can feel insincere or even hostile. So what do you do? Limit your communication with that kind of co-worker and do your part to keep your talks friendly, advises the psychologist.

If the envious coworker starts to attack you personally, Hakim suggests you try to guide the conversation back to the issue at hand, taking emotion out of the conversation.

You could say something like, “C’mon, Blake, I don’t want to argue about that. We can be civil to each other.” If the situation doesn’t change, leave.

Oftentimes, Hakim writes, these co-workers are lashing out because they’re insecure about their own jobs. Encouraging co-workers to find a project or skill that excites them could be a great way to deflect any negative feelings.

If things escalate to the point where you can no longer do your job effectively, consider talking with an HR manager or your supervisor.

3. Intimidators

This is the office version of the middle-school bully. Intimidators get you to do what they want by implying they can embarrass you or hurt your career.

It’s important to remember, though, that the status of the person matters: “An intimidating boss who can fire you has real power over you; an intimidating colleague has perceived power,” Hakim writes.

To feel more comfortable when dealing with this type of co-worker, the psychologist suggests you rehearse responses, such as, “You’re not serious, are you?” or “I don’t feel totally comfortable with that.”

You can stand up for yourself and be assertive without sounding angry.

Create a kind of bubble, the psychologist suggests. Imagine a barrier between you and the co-worker that protects you from his threats. Put as much actual physical space as possible between yourself and the negative person, too.

Keeping an electronic record of interactions between you and the “intimidator” could also be helpful in case you need to discuss the issue with a supervisor or HR manager.

We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.
Amy Cooper Hakim
ORGANIZATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND CO-AUTHOR OF “WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE”

4. Imposers

You helped a co-worker get acclimated to the office or with a difficult project and she won’t stop knocking on your door.

“Imposers take unfair advantage of your time, talent and good nature,” Hakim writes. “Colleagues such as these are just plain self-centered and inconsiderate of others.”

The simplest solution is to apologize, say that you are too backed up with your own work and then decline to help. You could suggest she reach out to another co-worker or supervisor.

You can say something like, “I’m sorry, Maya, I can see you’re in a bind, but I can’t help you because I’m so far behind in my own work. Maybe Sebastian isn’t as busy and can help?”

A key takeaway

With any negative working situation, if you feel like you cannot handle the issue yourself or truly feel in danger, do not be afraid to ask for help. A bad co-worker doesn’t mean that you should dread going to work. And more often than not, the issue can be resolved, according to Hakim.

“It’s to everyone’s benefit to fix these problems,” the psychologist tells CNBC.

You can ask a sympathetic co-worker for his or her advice, meet with an HR manager or talk to your boss. Try to separate your emotion from how you communicate. For more detailed tips, check out Hakim’s book.

If you need a little inspiration, check out a career strategist’s tips for dealing with a job you hate.

4 Simple and Effective Strategies to Handle Difficult People at Work

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Lets get right down to it. You want to handle those difficult personalities like a boss? Well, as you read further, you’ll notice a theme. It’s more about you than that difficult person driving you nuts.

I say this because when we’re dealing with a difficult person, the only thing we have control over is our own reactions and ourselves. We can’t change Joe in Sales when he flies off the handle. We can, however, change how we respond to Joe.

Here are the best strategies for handling the most difficult person.

Develop Your Self-awareness

You can learn all the strategies in the world to manage a difficult person, but the smartest thing you’ll ever do is to manage your own emotions. This is where self-awareness comes in, and it’ll be a game changer once you master it.

To become self-aware, you need to practice noticing your feelings, thoughts, and behavior–your triggers, and yes, the very things that difficult people do to get under your skin. Some people find it helpful to start keeping a little notepad or journal with them and documenting things as they come up.

When you get good at it, you’ll start looking at the whole picture, and both sides of the issue. You begin to tap into your emotions to choose a different outcome, like an assertive response to a difficult person overstepping your boundaries.

Speaking of assertive response, that’s the second strategy.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries

An assertive person takes full responsibility for herself and her actions. When a difficult person violates her boundaries, she does not seek to be responsible for that person’s actions.

She seeks self-control, is fair and reasonable, takes on the part of the problem that belongs to her, and keeps the rest of the problem where it belongs–with the difficult person.

An assertive person sets limits and stands up for herself so others wont take advantage. But she takes the higher road and does it with class. She uses “I” statements, not “you” statements, which tends to lead to attack and blame. That’s the last thing a difficult person in the heat-of-the-moment needs in an emotionally-charged situation.

What difficult co-workers learn quickly is that they can’t easily get an assertive person to do or go along with whatever they wish. Put it to practice, and watch the potential for conflict disappear.

Listen. Then Listen Some More.

Give the difficult person a chance to finish without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions if confused, and use paraphrasing and mirroring to check accuracy of hearing.

Now this is going to be hard to do, but you must at least try it because the outcome may surprise you: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. You heard me right. So, if the other person is angry, say, “You must be feeling very frustrated…”

We don’t do this often enough because we erroneously believe that if we notice someone’s feelings, those feelings will intensify. Actually, the opposite is true. When we address a need, or acknowledge an emotion, the need or feeling tends to go away.

Give Feedback

There’s a time when a difficult person has to be told his behavior is affecting you and is no longer appropriate. Here’s how to pull it off:

  • Maintain comfortable eye contact. In other words, don’t “give him the eye.”
  • Remain open-minded.
  • Pay attention to non-verbal signals as a way of reading the person’s feeling state.
  • Use an “I” statement of feeling. Ex: “I feel this like decision violates our trust.”
  • Request what you’d like to have happen now, more, or different next time. Without a request, you’re merely describing your feelings–and that’s a good start, but if you want things to change, you’ll probably need to provide a little guidance. Ex: “I’m requesting that from now on you hold your comments until the end of the meeting.
  • Focus on difficult person’s behavior and never make it about the person. Give specific examples that you can back up.
  • Feedback should always be focused on win-win.
  • Get agreement about a plan of action, and commitment on both your parts to follow through.

BY MARCEL SCHWANTES, FOUNDER AND CHIEF HUMAN OFFICER, LEADERSHIP FROM THE CORE

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed

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Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.

Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

© The Balance, 2018

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

Start out by examining yourself.

Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?

Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.

Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.

Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.

Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.

Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.

Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.

Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

Follow-up after the initial discussion.

Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.

Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.

You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.

Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.

You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

 Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.

What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss

  • Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
  • Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.

The Bottom Line

If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

Updated September 02, 2019

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

 

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebook.

Four ways to deal with a horrible boss

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Not everyone is lucky enough to work with a superstar CEO. When a direct report is being difficult, there are a number of strategies you can employ, says Michelle Gibbings.
From Gordon Gecko in Wall Street to Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, a bad boss story makes for a good movie. However, when you are working for one it’s not so much fun. A bad boss can make your working day feel like hell. At some stage in your career you will encounter someone who is less than ideal to work for.

Dealing with a bad boss is not about getting even, but getting savvy about how you manage it. Here’s four critical tips.

1 Understand what’s driving their behaviour
Seek to understand what’s driving their behaviour, and whether this behaviour is consistent or out of character. There’s a difference between a boss who is a good person, but in a stressful situation and not coping very well, and a boss who thrives on power, is a narcissist or a bully. Once you understand what’s driving the behaviour you can then work out the best approach to take.

For example, if they are stressed due to work pressures then find out if there are ways you can help them with their workload. This is a great opportunity to build a good relationship with your boss as they will see you as a person who helps them in times of need. It can also help to talk to them about the impact their behaviour is having on you.

This is a conversation that needs to be managed thoughtfully. Be prepared for it and pick the best time to have the conversation. If they are a narcissist, then it’s important to think long term.

2 Think long-term benefits
If the person constantly displays poor leadership behaviour, unfortunately you are not likely to change them. In this situation, think about the benefits you are gaining from the job (in terms of experience) and determine if it is worth sticking it out for a bit longer.

Reflecting on my career, there are times when I worked for people who were hard to work for, but the experience and benefits gained in the role made it worthwhile. That said, you need to set a timeframe in which to move on, as prolonged time in an unhealthy working environment isn’t good for your confidence and wellbeing.

3 Build your support crew
You want to have people around—both inside and outside the organisation—who will support and advocate for you. This will help set you up for your next job (which may be inside or outside the organisation), and help ensure you maintain a strong and healthy sense of self. Also, a strong internal support network can help to counter-balance the challenges of working for someone who is difficult.

4 Look after yourself first
Your health and well-being always need to come first. This means you need to:

Know your rights: if their behaviour is illegal (bullying or harassment) then seek advice on your next steps and counsel from people you trust to determine the best course of action
Know when to exit: if their behaviour is impacting your health and well-being then build your exit strategy
Manage the impact: put in place daily practices, such as exercise, meditation and reflection to manage your well-being
Dealing with a difficult boss isn’t something anyone looks forward to, but unfortunately at times it is an inevitable part of the working world. Stay true to who you are. Back yourself. Always take the higher ground. And remember, corporate karma often wins in the end.

 

THE EXPERT
Michelle Gibbings is a change leadership and career expert and founder of Change Meridian. Michelle works with global leaders and teams to help them get fit for the future of work. She is the Author of Step Up: How to Build Your Influence at Work and Career Leap: How to Reinvent and Liberate your Career.

Workplace bullying is more harmful than we realised

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New findings suggest being bullied at work won’t just affect you emotionally, but could also have serious consequences for your health.

In 2015, not long after Soma Ghosh, now 36, started a new job as a careers advisor, she began to dread every day at the office.

A colleague consistently criticised her performance, blamed her for others’ mistakes and humiliated her. The constant bullying soon took a toll. Ghosh developed anxiety and depression, but there were also effects on her physical health, including trouble sleeping; recurring cold and flu-like symptoms; the appearance of a lump in her armpit; and pains in her fingers, hands and shoulders caused by the pressure to work overlong hours without adequate breaks.

Researchers have long known about the adverse mental health effects of workplace bullying. But only recently – thanks to studies utilising the comprehensive public health records maintained in Scandinavian countries – have they begun to uncover findings that suggest that this bullying could have serious effects on physical health, too.

A heart-stopping danger

For a 2018 paper, a group led by Tianwei Xu of the University of Copenhagen analysed data from nearly 80,000 male and female employees in Sweden and Denmark. The researchers compared the participants’ reports at baseline of whether they’d been bullied at work in the previous year, and then looked to the health records to see whether they’d developed any cardiovascular illness over the next four years.

The more frequently participants said they were bullied, the greater their risk of developing cardiac problems

A clear pattern emerged from the data of both the men and women. The 8% to 13% of survey respondents who’d said they’d been bullied were 1.59 times more likely than the other volunteers to go on to develop a cardiac-related illness, such as heart disease or stroke. In other words, the incidence of heart-related problems was increased by 59% in the bullied compared with the non-bullied.

This remained true even after the researchers controlled for potentially confounding factors, such as body-mass index and smoking status. They also discovered a dose-response relationship: the more frequently participants said they were bullied, the greater their risk of developing cardiac problems.

Translating her findings population wide, Xu explains that if there is a causal link between bullying at work and heart disease, then “the removal of workplace bullying would mean we could avoid 5% of all cardiovascular cases”. Though the study design doesn’t prove this, it would be quite a prospect if true.

Research finds the incidence of cardiac-related illnesses drastically increases among those who have experience bullying (Credit: Getty Images)

The heart isn’t the only thing that might be affected by workplace bullying. In a similar study of participants in Sweden, Denmark and Finland, Xu’s researchers found that a recent history of being bullied at work was associated with a 1.46 times increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes over the ensuing decade.

It’s true that these observational epidemiological studies can’t outright prove that workplace bullying causes heart problems and diabetes. It’s possible, for example, that pre-existing mental health vulnerabilities increase a person’s risk of being bullied and their risk of developing physical health problems later on.

However, Xu and her colleagues believe there are plausible mechanisms that could explain how bullying leads directly to physical illness. These include chronically rising levels of stress hormones, and bullying victims adopting harmful coping behaviours, such as eating to excess or drinking too much alcohol. The researchers plan to explore these possibilities in future work.

A recent history of being bullied at work was associated with a 1.46 times increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes

For now, though, Xu says, “Employers should be aware of the adverse consequences to their employees from experiencing workplace bullying.” She advises bullying victims to “seek help as soon as possible”.

The role of the bystander

It’s not only for the good of the victim that employers create programmes and systems to stave off workplace bullying. Employees who witness bullying of other colleagues may experience adverse health effects, too.

Researchers from Sheffield University’s Institute of Work Psychology found that even without experiencing direct bullying themselves, staff who observed the behaviour endured future declines in their work-related wellbeing, including feeling more depressed. Earlier research by Singapore Management University had similarly concluded that the vicarious experience of incivility at work affects the mental health of bystanders, which in turn affects their physical health.

If a causal link can be properly established, the removal of workplace bullying could mean a 5% reduction in all cardiovascular cases.

Other research from Sheffield University also shows that merely witnessing bullying can harm employees who lack social support or who are pessimistic in nature. Professor Jeremy Dawson, co-author of the study, advises that if you’ve observed workplace bullying, you should first and foremost talk about it. “This may be with the victim (e.g. asking how they are doing), or others (which may be about forming a plan for how to address it, or may be just sharing experiences),” he writes. He also encourages employees report bullying in any way possible – through official channels, a line manager or another trusted colleague.

Employees who witness bullying of other colleagues may experience adverse health effects, too

Given the apparently wide-ranging and harmful effects of workplace bullying – for victims and bystanders alike – it’s more imperative than ever to create a collaborative culture in which bullying is taboo and stamped out before it takes root.

Soma Ghosh, who has since gone on to establish her own business as a career counsellor for women, says that employers should be doing more to protect their employees from workplace bullying, and that if she’d known about these research findings, she would have quit her job even earlier. She urges anyone who believes they are experiencing mental or physical health as a result of bullying to speak to someone, such as a GP or counsellor.

“It’s not something that will go away,” she warns.

Dr Christian Jarrett is a senior editor at Aeon magazine. His next book, about personality change, will be published in 2021.

By Christian Jarrett
6th January 2020

Clarity Commands Respect

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Too often, when it comes to difficult conversations, we shy away from speaking our mind because we don’t have the tools to be skilful in sharing an opinion that is likely to be unpopular. As a result, we say nothing or tiptoe around the issue, leaving the other person clueless about what’s really going on for us.

We think we are doing the right thing by staying quiet or being indirect when, in fact, clarity commands respect.

I shared the idea that clarity commands respect in a talk I recently gave about how to manage difficult conversations. The context for this specific tenet was the topic of boundaries: how to set boundaries and how to respect them.

Setting boundaries starts with getting clear about what they are. It seems so obvious, right?

And yet, we rarely pause to ask ourselves what our boundaries are. That is, where the line between what we’re willing to do and what we’re not is, what behaviours – not just from others but also from ourselves – we’re willing to engage with or not.

Think checking your emails on the weekend, nodding your head during a meeting when you don’t actually agree, hearing a supposedly harmless sexist joke and saying nothing, taking on an extra project when you’re already struggling with your current workload. The list goes on.

Brené Brown says that “clear is kind”, a principle that goes hand in hand with “clarity commands respect”.

Because, and here’s the twist, it’s not just that clarity commands respect from others, it’s also that being clear with others is an act of respect towards them.

When we choose to avoid rather than to engage in difficult conversations, we are not just doing ourselves a disservice but also the other person.

Like that time you meant to tell your colleague that the way she assigns tasks to you doesn’t feel right because, after all, she’s not in charge. But you work with her day in and day out and creating tension between the two of you would not only make your life more difficult but also ultimately be counterproductive to the project you’ve been assigned together.

So you say nothing or you sugar coat it so much that the message doesn’t get through. The result? Nothing changes. Including the fact that your resentment continues to grow. And you sit there wondering how on earth she cannot know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

But the hard truth is that she cannot know because you haven’t told her.

She may not be aware that she’s crossed a line. In her mind, she’s helping out by taking charge. Meanwhile, because you’re harbouring resentment, you’re actually unintentionally damaging your relationship with her because you’ve said nothing rather than speak up.

It can feel daunting to engage in difficult conversations. It can be tempting to bury our head in the sand and choose avoidance instead.

Instead, next time you find yourself noticing that you’re not speaking up when you want to or that you’re being ambivalent and unclear, remember these words:

Clarity commands respect. And it does so in two ways:

1. Respect of your boundaries because you’ve made them clear and therefore people know where to stand.

2. Respect of others because you’re not putting them in a position where they’re supposed to read your mind to avoid damaging their relationship with you.

My invitation today is to shift your perspective on difficult conversations and experiment with seeing them as essential interactions to nurture and strengthen any relationship, especially the ones that matter the most

Article by, Julie Leitz

As appeared in https://www.schoolofconflict.com

Working Successfully With A Boss You Hate

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Let’s be honest, bad bosses exist and as an Assistant, you are primed to come up against some of the toughest people in business. Navigating difficult relationships can build resilience and tenacity however dealing with a persistently sour apple is about as demotivating as finding a great parking space, but then realising that you won’t fit.

We reached out to a group of over 200 Assistants who had all spent 15 years+ working across the public and private sector to ask about their experience of supporting a difficult boss. We found that 71% of our Assistants had supported someone that they would never work with again and over half of them left their position because of the behaviour exhibited by that same person.

Fortunately there are many ways to successfully cope and stay motivated if you hate your boss which doesn’t involve you immediately handing in your notice or a daily melt down on social media.

REALITY CHECK

As an Assistant, the expectations others have of you and the definition of the role you take on is to make the lives of Execs around the world more effective and efficient; enabling them and the business to be more profitable via your savvy business brain. The reality? That expectation exists without any caveat regarding the boss being an assh*le.

Our capacity for denial can be astounding and facing a daily struggle with a boss who criticizes every move you make is exhausting. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you meeting their expectations in the role? Is your day to day sustainable or is there a reason that they are constantly watching your every move? Before you decide to take the bull by the horns and sit them down to address their management style, make sure that you’re not the problem because unfortunately sometimes, it is.

We recently held a panel discussion at our exclusive learning and development events ‘The PA Diaries Live’ with top Executive Assistants from HSBC, Facebook and First State Investments and we were all in agreement that to be a good PA, you don’t need to like the boss. In their experience, working successfully with Execs means being ten steps ahead at all times, developing credibility in the role and demonstrating that you are the most trustworthy, adaptable and reliable person that they interact with daily.

So what should you do if it’s not your problem? In a perfect world, we would all compromise and live harmoniously with each other, the reality of which is as far flung as us becoming best friends with the Queen. Once you have established the genuine cause of the problem and have identified that it does not start with you, it’s time to use your management skills and take control in your next 1:1 meeting…

COMMUNICATION

HR Guru Dan Oswald defines successful communication as H.O.T. – honest, open, and two-way. Utilise your next meeting with this in mind and create an agenda to discuss with your boss the difficulties you are finding within the role (aka how much of a pain in the ass they are).

Advise them ahead of time that you would like to review your performance and the relationship between you both making it clear that this meeting is a priority and that it cannot be rescheduled. If they ignore you and push for an alternative day and time, stay strong, explain that the meeting is important to you and reiterate that it cannot be moved.

Manage the meeting and keep things (and emotions) under control with your agenda in hand spending equal time for you to both discuss how things are going. Move on to your next agenda point and focus on the short and long term plan for your working partnership. Use the H.O.T. method to discuss negatives and positives, areas/key skills to develop and what is important to you both in a successful PA/Exec relationship.

Keep it professional, spend five minutes on a final wrap up, agree on objectives (for you both) and create a pathway to follow going forward. Regular check ins on how your objectives are progressing on both sides will show commitment to the bigger picture and highlight how things are changing slowly but surely.

DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to make things work, getting through to your dragon boss might be harder than you think. After a successful meeting, not much might change and you’re starting to take your frustration out on innocent colleagues and  find yourself becoming more and more demotivated in your job every day.

Before you end up punching a hole in the wall (or your boss) tough love might be your only answer and it could be time to make a change on your CV. Ask yourself this – is it worth it? Do not feel that to be taken seriously as a professional, you need to spend an exact amount of time in a position, especially if you dread leaving the front door every morning.

Power-tripping, badly behaved bosses will always exist, your job description does not cover Therapist or punch bag as well as Assistant.

One of My Favorite Communication Strategies to Help You Keep Your Cool

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One of my favorite communication strategies is one that I use when others try to make me defensive. No one can make you feel defensive without your consent. We are in control of how we react. No one is in control of that.

You may be thinking, “Joyce, how can I be in control when others push me?” It isn’t easy. Most of us push back when someone judges us. We are all guilty of losing our cool at times. My secret sauce is verbal aikido.

Communication Strategies #1: The definition of verbal aikido

In aikido, the person who pulls back from an attack is the stronger one. Stop defending yourself when someone yells at you that you are late. Instead of defending yourself by saying, “The traffic was bad,” start using verbal aikido. Say, “You are right, I’m late. I know how punctual you are, and I will leave 15 minutes earlier the next time we meet.”

Communication Strategies #2: Focus on what can be done

It’s more important to concentrate on solutions rather than blaming what went wrong. The next time a meeting becomes a screaming match with a lot of blaming and accusations, use verbal aikido. Pull back by saying, “Instead of the blame game, let’s figure out how we dropped the ball and resolve this issue with our client.” Fixing what went wrong needs to be discussed at another time. We all want our issues to be resolved and we don’t care about excuses or blaming others. Verbal aikido is a tool that cuts through the noise and focuses on the present.

Communication Strategies #3: How Robert Kennedy used verbal aikido

Robert Kennedy knew that he was going to be pushed by the press after President Kennedy appointed him as his attorney general of the United States. Senator Kennedy was prepared when he met the press the day after the appointment was made. A journalist said, “Senator Kennedy, what gives you the right to become attorney general of the United States?” Senator Kennedy took a breath and said, “That’s a great question. You have to attend a good school, know a lot of people, and have a brother who is the president of the United States.” The press melted and started to laugh at this brilliant statement.

Verbal aikido allowed Senator Kennedy to pull back and he caught the press off guard.

Let’s Get Real

There are times when I forget all the skills that I write about. Let’s face it, we are all human! The important thing about forgetting to use these skills is that you are reminded of them immediately after a communication doesn’t go as well as you wanted it to!

Article by, Joyce Weiss

Joyce Weiss, M.A. CSP is a Communications, Career and Coaching Expert. For the past 30 years she has perfected patented strategies that have addressed peer bullying, standing out to upper management, career advancement, and resolving personality conflicts. Clients feel more confident during tough conversations to be direct with respect®. She just launched an online coaching program Communication Skills at Work. You can reach her at Joyce@JoyceWeiss.com.

Dealing With Difficult People

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Troublesome people can offer your best chance to shine

After 15 years in retail management, Lynnette Vyles was done. She was scared because she didn’t have another job lined up, but the constant stream of rude customers had become too much to bear.

“I had never just turned in my keys and left a job,” Vyles said. “I had always given at least two weeks’ notice when resigning, but I was at a point in my life that I just couldn’t take any more.”

Vyles recalled one grueling interaction with a customer who was trying to return clothing that was at least a year old. The clothes had been washed, the tags had long been removed, and the customer had no receipts. Yet she insisted on exchanging her old stuff for brand new garments.

“I first asked the customer why she was returning so much clearly worn merchandise. Her answer was, ‘Because my kids need new stuff.’ I was floored,” Vyles said.

Vyles patiently explained the company’s return policy, but the customer kept pushing to get her way. First, she started yelling. Then she began hurling insults and merchandise at Vyles. Another manager was called in to address the situation, but the customer’s anger continued to escalate. It took an arrest to stop her tirade.

“She refused to leave, stating I was violating her civil rights as a customer by refusing to return the merchandise. I told her I was not refusing, I was simply not going to give her back full price since she did not have receipts,” Vyles said.

When The Customer Is Wrong

Anyone who works with the general public likely has similar stories of nightmare clients and awful customers—people who expect everything, yet give nothing but grief in return. They can be cruel, quick to anger, and stretch our patience to the breaking point.

Social interactions are supposed to be civil. If there is a dispute, we should be able to work it out in a reasonable fashion. But what do we do when we’re faced with someone who defies reason? And how do they get that way?

Vyles believes the culture of modern retail—where the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong—contributes to the type of behavior she’s been forced to confront.

“People know that if they yell loud enough and make enough of a scene they will get what they want,” she said.

But it’s more than just the retail environment. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and psychology professor at California State University–Los Angeles, there are a number of social developments eroding our civility.

“Empathy has gone the way of the 8-track, and kindness has become a unicorn,” Durvasula said. “This is the psychological equivalent of global warming. It’s a slow burn that is destroying us.”

Errant Self Esteem

Psychologists used to worry about people suffering from low self-esteem, but now there is a growing concern of the opposite problem. In a world of selfies, social media, and heavily promoted dreams of wealth and fame, people have developed an inflated sense of self and will stop at nothing to feed it.

Durvasula is an expert on narcissism—a personality disorder characterized by self obsession and a lack of concern for others. The word comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus: The tale of a beautiful young man who rejected his admirers, but became so enthralled by his own reflection that it totally consumed him.

A fixation on our own desires to the exclusion of everyone else’s is an ancient concept, but Durvasula believes the modern environment is helping it spread like an obnoxious disease. She’s currently working on a book that explores this problem.

“We have incentivized narcissism—manifested via consumerism, materialism, billionaire worship, entitlement, etc.—and are heartbroken when it touches our lives at the individual level,” she said.

We all must carry some self-interest to get along in the world. It allows us to make purposeful decisions, and stand up for our needs. For a narcissist, however, self-interest is the sole motivation.

Although narcissists seem supremely confident in pursuit of their selfishness, Durvasula says they are actually deeply insecure. Her advice for dealing with people who use dirty tactics to meet their needs is to keep our own personal standards high.

“Don’t get into the mud with them.  If they are yelling, keep your voice calm.  If they insult you, do not engage, just step away,” she said. “Your power comes from being graceful, calm, and serene.”

Under Pressure

Not all the difficult people we encounter are full-blown narcissists. Sometimes we confront otherwise kind people who are just having a bad day.

Dr. Heather Hammerstedt, is a doctor and integrative nutrition coach who works nights at a trauma center. One thing she has observed in her 18 years as an emergency physician is that when people are under stress, civility often flies out the window.

“They are not able to function in their kind adult brain, even when they have a kind adult brain,” Hammerstedt said. “They act in their toddler brain. They literally can’t connect the right and left sides of their brains, and act primitively.”

Whether it’s an irate customer or an obnoxious family member, it can be tough to rise above the insults and screaming when their attack is directed squarely at you. But Durvasula says that when we take this kind of conduct personally, we become defensive, and our own behavior quickly deteriorates.

“Stop taking it personally,” Durvasula said. “When they are tantruming they are no different than toddlers, but you wouldn’t defend yourself to a two-year-old. When a person is difficult and entitled they often lack empathy and simply do not care about the perspective of the other, so stop wasting it on them. It only psychologically exhausts you and doesn’t change the situation.”

So how do you fight the impulse to defend? Paige Harley, a professional relationship coach and mediator specializing in conflict management, urges us to stay on the offensive.

“Listening is an offensive strategy, and it can become a powerful tool,” Harley said. “I ask my clients to cultivate a ‘seek to understand’ mentality. You do not need to agree with the other person, you just need to understand what they are asking for, as this is how solutions are found.”

We can do this most effectively if we set boundaries on what we’re available to do. According to Vyles, the key to handling a difficult person is to stay proactive, not reactive. “I would not react to the tantrum but, rather, tell the customer what I could do to help them,” she said.

Cultivating Compassion

When we are up against rudeness, yelling, and insults, it helps to have a few moments to collect ourselves (a short walk, a few deep breaths) so that we don’t react to a bad situation in a regrettable way.

However, if you can’t step away, and have to keep calm in the face of someone who is losing their cool, try to realize that you are dealing with a tortured soul.

Joy Rains, author of  “Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind,” says that when we’re confronted with people who are rude, unreasonable, entitled, or demanding, that’s the time we need to tap into our compassion.

“If an animal was wounded and hurting, you would probably feel compassion for the animal. It’s likely that a person with difficult behavior is also hurting at some level,” Rains said. “If you approach them with compassion, it helps you see that their behavior is likely not about you, it’s about their approach to the world.”

One way to practice compassion is to look at the person as someone with needs and desires just like you. In a perfect world, everyone would possess the skills to meet their needs in constructive and considerate ways. But understand that people in the real world are working with serious deficits when it comes to strategies for getting what they want.

“Realize they’re trying to get their needs met in the best way they know how. Forgive them for not being able to take a perfect approach,” Rains said.

Valuable Lessons

Vanessa Valiente, a personal stylist and fashion blogger in San Diego, says she comes from a family filled with difficult people. But she sees her background more as a blessing than a curse.

“Growing up with, and loving difficult people has been an invaluable lesson that will last a lifetime,” Valiente said.

Valiente believes that people who are quick to anger when they don’t get their way often suffer from deep unhappiness. It’s not so much a sense of entitlement. Instead, they are “blinded by their trauma.”

“They are paying forward any kind of abuse, lack of control, neglect or abandonment they have experienced, especially in their most formative years. Most don’t realize what they are doing,” she said. “Those who do realize what they are doing most likely don’t know why they are doing it.”

Valiente’s number one rule in dealing with difficult people is to be kind and professional.

“Be decisive about your kindness, smile strong, don’t let them see you waiver, and be efficient in accommodating their requests,” she said. “This works 99 percent of the time,”

If the person still won’t budge, Valiente suggests adopting a tougher attitude.

“Tough does not mean rude or passive-aggressive,” she said. “Tough means turn off the smile and turn up the efficiency. Be clear with your expectations, use fewer words, and get the job done.”

Valiente remembers one time where she was working on a television show when the main actress refused to wear what the costume designer had picked out. The actress ranted endlessly about her “ugly outfit,” and all the other things that annoyed her about the set, but Valiente was responsible for keeping the production on schedule. So she dropped the nice persona and got down to business.

“In a very firm voice, with no smile, I said, ‘We are all hot. We are all working really hard long hours. I am the first one here and the last to leave. Now, I understand you don’t want to wear this outfit, so just tell me what you want to wear and I will make it happen,’” Valiente said.

The actress immediately deflated, apologized, and told Valiente exactly what she wanted to wear. “As I walked this actress to set, she genuinely thanked me. And we got back to work,” Valiente said.

Unfortunately, even if we do everything right, some people still can’t be reasoned with. A few may even become more difficult the better we behave. However, the example you set for bystanders can still be a win.

When Vyles was dealing with the woman trying to return her clothes, the other customers standing nearby took notice. They told the arresting officers about how calm she remained. The next day, one of those customers came in with a gift.

“This customer was so upset by what she saw and impressed with my handling of the situation that she wanted to come back and give me a cake to enjoy,” Vyles remembers. “She said that she felt like I might enjoy something sweet instead of something ugly. That was one of the nicest things a customer had ever done for me in my 15 years.”


Article By, CONAN MILNER, As Appeared in EPOCH TIMES

How to deal with employees who don’t get along

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Any business will have employees who don’t get along from time to time. Whether it’s because of differences in their personalities, lifestyles, opinions or some other factor, sometimes employees just don’t mesh.

And when there’s discord in the workplace, it affects everybody.

The resulting tension not only makes the office environment uncomfortable – it can also negatively impact your business’s productivity.

At the same time, the old saying that iron sharpens iron represents the upside of the situation. Handled constructively, employee conflict can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation and enhanced creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully turn conflict into consensus between feuding employees.

Step 1. Understand the nature of the conflict

It’s often tempting to make assumptions about conflict, especially if rumors are circulating. But don’t assume anything. Instead, figure out what’s fueling the disagreement between your employees.

First and foremost, make sure you’re not dealing with an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) issue, such as workplace harassment or discrimination. Become familiar with your company’s harassment prevention polices and guidelines, if you aren’t already. And if you don’t have these types of policies currently in place, make that a priority.

Remember, with harassment, it’s not the intent of the behavior but how the behavior is perceived.

Once you’ve ruled out any EEOC issues, what are some other underlying circumstances that may be causing or worsening the conflict? Are there clashing work styles at play? Is it a high-stress environment? Is a new project creating tight deadlines? What about a difficult client? Are some employees spreading gossip or bullying coworkers?

There may be a variety of factors causing hostility among your employees. Getting an initial read on what’s at the heart of the matter is essential to successfully resolving the issue and avoiding future conflict.

Step 2. Encourage employees to work it out themselves

As a business leader, you want your employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. After all, you’re their supervisor or manager – not their mother.

Keep in mind that reacting to every worker complaint may actually heighten the drama and make the situation worse. Doing so could even cause some employees to think you’re playing favorites.

That doesn’t mean that encouraging your team to manage issues on their own won’t require a little facilitating on your part, especially if you have employees who tend to avoid confrontation.

Provide guidance or talking points, if needed, to help each employee approach the other person in a positive manner. Don’t set the expectation that you’ll fix the problem for them. You can facilitate the discussion, but that’s where you should draw the line.

Always use your best judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Consider taking a structured approach like this one:

  • Determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and define the severity of the conflict.
  • Once you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know you’re aware of the situation.
  • Then, encourage open communication and resolution among the employees involved. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

When people work together, disagreements will occasionally happen. That’s a given. But disrespect is another story.

Employees who don’t get along should still treat each other with respect and make an effort to listento the other person’s side. Using words such as “I feel” (instead of “you did”) can also help prevent the conversation from becoming defensive.

Conflict resolution doesn’t necessarily have to end in agreement. Sometimes, it’s best to agree to disagree, respectfully. When that happens, employees should acknowledge there is a difference of opinion or approach, and come up with a solution together on how to move forward.

Keep the focus on behavior and problems rather than people.

Step 3. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out on their own and you’ll be forced to step in. If ignored, employee disputes can infect the entire workplace and eventually taint the reputation of your company. Other employees may find themselves unintentionally drawn into the conflict. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity.

Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts. Make sure the message is clear that all employees, regardless of position and tenure, will be held accountable for their behavior. Let them know that if established standards aren’t met, it could lead to disciplinary action.

Step 4. Listen to both sides

When it’s time to get involved, start by dismissing any gossip that may be buzzing around the office, and don’t buy into whatever you hear.

Instead, deal with the two individuals or groups of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about other staff members later. Most employees want to feel listened to or acknowledged, so ask each person responsible to explain their side of the story.

Before deciding whether to meet with the disagreeing parties together or separately, try to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. Remember, you’re there to discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees together might work best, provide each with uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward. This is basically a mediated version of step two.

Whatever you do, don’t take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse. As a business leader, you need to be as objective as possible.

For conflict resolution to be successful, it’s important that your company train supervisors and managers to coach employees in this area. Poorly trained managers can make the situation worse, which can lead to low morale, disengaged employees and even increased turnover.

Step 5. Determine the real issue, together

Often, the actual cause of an employee argument is clouded by emotions. By the time the issue is brought to a manager’s attention, the squabbling employees may already be angry and defensive. That’s why it’s important to slow things down and listen.

To get beyond this emotional wall to the truth of things, encourage each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Treating emotional symptoms alone only puts a temporary Band-Aid over the issue. Get to the crux of the matter, so you can find a permanent solution that won’t be as susceptible to future flare-ups.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this yourself, or you don’t think you can be impartial, consider working with an experienced HR professional to handle the situation.

Step 6. Consult your employee handbook

Reviewing pertinent company policies in your employee handbook may shed light on the best approach to solving the problem. Sticking to the common ground rules that every employee is expected to follow at all times can be a practical way to remain objective.

Some examples of policies you should include in your employee handbook, if they aren’t already, are guidelines for appropriate conduct and conflict resolution. Conflict based on a protected class falls into the category of harassment or discrimination, as referenced under step one.

So, your handbook should contain these policies, as well as a policy against harassment/discrimination and instructions on how to file a complaint.

To help ensure you reach a fair resolution, make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above workplace rules. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 7. Find a solution

Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. And don’t forget – there’s good and bad conflict. Help employees learn the difference.

Don’t completely rule out organizational changes, either.

Sometimes, if it comes down to it, you can improve employee focus and the workplace dynamic by reorganizing teams. It may be helpful to give the employees involved time to “cool off” before they work together again.

You have a business to run, and if the conflict continues, it could seriously affect productivity and performance. Recognize when it’s time to re-evaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 8. Write it up

Whether employees like it or not, it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. Recording these events will help you monitor behavior over time and notice repeat offenders that may be negatively impacting your office.

By handling and documenting incidents properly, you can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. It’s essential that you write down factual information from each employee-related incident. Be sure to include the counseling or written memorandum concerning the employees’ conduct in their HR file.

Include the who, what, when, where and how, as well as the resolution that all parties agreed on and committed to uphold.

Step 9. Teach them how to communicate

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these types of problems likely have communication issues already. If there’s a lot of discord among your staff, it’s probably time to teach them some basic communication and problem-solving techniques.

Personality assessments and training, such as the DiSC® profile, may help your employees communicate more effectively as a team. These courses teach employees how to articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn can help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 10. Lead by example

Set the standard for employees who don’t get along – and employees in general.

Building a culture of engaged employees, who respect each other and work well together, is a top-down proposition. By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that fosters integrity and communication. When you’re open and honest, employees are more likely to follow suit.

So much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. Leading by example becomes almost automatic when you simply reinforce and uphold your company’s values, policies and guidelines in an objective way.

You’ll build trust company-wide by not expecting anything from your employees that you don’t require of yourself.

Article by Megan Moran
As appeared on insperity.com

 

 

Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People

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We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.

Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.

In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.

“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.

The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.

After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?

Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.

Complainers

Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.

Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.

Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.

When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.

“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”

Cynics

Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.

Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.

Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”

Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.

Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.

Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.

If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”

The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.

Controllers

Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.

Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.

Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”

Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.

Caretakers

Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.

Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.

Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.

“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.

Article By  ,
As appeared on www.cio.com

Meridith Levinson covers Careers, Project Management and Outsourcing for CIO.com. Follow Meridith on Twitter @meridith. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline and on Facebook. Email Meridith at mlevinson@cio.com.

Dealing with conflict in the workplace

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istockPeople want leadership roles for a variety of reasons, but the opportunity to manage conflicts is rarely at the top of anyone’s list. It’s a skill that many have a hard time mastering — and let’s face it, avoiding conflict tends to be the first inclination for most of us.

Workplace conflicts can emerge in any number of forms, but there are some general, garden-variety types that I see on a repeated basis: conflicts with the boss, conflicts with peers and conflicts among a manager’s direct reports or teammates.

In all of these cases, leaders need to consider two basic questions. How important is the issue? And, how important is this relationship? Your answers will determine whether to let it slide or try to resolve it. Let’s explore each type.

Conflict with the boss

I have encountered a lot of people who have conflicts with those in more senior positions, sometimes because their boss isn’t doing enough to support the team or is doing too much micromanaging.

The relationship with your boss is obviously important for getting work done and for getting ahead. As a result, you should invest the time needed to resolve the conflict. The key question then becomes: What’s my role in the conflict, and what can I do to improve the situation?

While it’s easy (and maybe legitimate) to blame your boss, this unfortunately isn’t the most productive option. If you actually want things to get better, you’ll need a different approach. Schedule a conversation or a lunch so you can understand your boss’s goals and motivations, express your concerns and explore ways to work better together. Getting insight into your boss’s reasoning and outlook may spark ideas about new techniques for handling the situation.

Plus, the conversation will send a clear signal that you’re interested in building a better bond and resolving the tension that exists. Finally, make it clear that you are quite willing to carry out any directions being given (assuming they are not immoral or unethical), but that you would first like to suggest a better way that can be helpful.

Conflict with a peer

In today’s working world, very little happens in isolation. You inevitably rely on others to get things done. For better and worse, however, we don’t all operate in the same ways and so conflict is inevitable.

One of the best strategies I’ve heard for resolving conflicts with a peer comes from Solly Thomas, a coach in some of the Partnership for Public Service’s leadership programs. Thomas, a former government executive, suggests identifying a colleague who has an effective working relationship with the peer who is giving you problems.

Make clear to the other colleague that your goal is to resolve the conflict and get work done, then tap into his or her knowledge of the other person for tips in getting along. Try out the advice, and perhaps also tactfully attempt to break the tension by talking with your colleague about possible middle ground.

Conflicts among direct reports or teammates

Leaders at nearly every level have been the uncomfortable witnesses to conflicts among teammates. Your choices are basically to look away or jump into the fray.

If the conflict is with people you supervise, and you know they are not going to react well, avoiding the conflict is tempting but ineffective. One of my colleagues recounted a situation in a former office when — after spending too much time avoiding a confrontation with a subordinate who had a history of causing disruption — he decided to have the difficult conversation with her. He made sure to focus solely on the job-related behaviors and not infer motivation. Still, she became irate and cursed at him before storming out of his office. However, the next day she gave him a letter of resignation. Conflict resolved.

As a leader, you want to allow for a certain amount of creative tension, but the moment that conflict becomes counterproductive, you need to act. While the issues that cause conflict vary in importance, your relationships to teammates and the relationships among teammates must be functional if you hope to have a productive environment.

One option is to sit down with employees – separately or together – and make your work-related outcomes and behavioral expectations clear. Then, treat the employees as adults and ask them to resolve their differences. Let them know they will be held accountable if they don’t.

Article by, Tom Fox , As appeared in www.washingtonpost.com

Tom Fox, a guest writer for On Leadership, is a vice president at the nonprofit Partnership for Public Service. He also heads the Partnership’s Center for Government Leadership.

The Art of Dealing With Difficult People

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Seven Ways to Ditch the Drama

Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

Difficult people
There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

Clear presence
Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

The difficult person is trapped
Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

Good and evil
It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.

Article by, Azriel ReShel
As appeared on www.upliftconnect.com

Words Hurt: Emotional Abuse and Stress

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Words Hurt

“You can’t do anything right”. “This is your fault – It’s always your fault”.

Understanding Emotional Abuse and Stress

Emotional Abuse is the tearing down of another human being and it can be the result of inappropriately handling one’s emotions, the excessive need to control others and the situations around them, or it can be learned from those who have had influence on the person such as parents, coaches or supervisors.

Those who are emotionally abusive, are just as dangerous as those who are physically abusive.

Various Types of Emotional Abuse:

1. Rejecting – worthlessness and undermining self-esteem, criticizing, humiliating, blaming, ridiculing

2. Ignoring – detachment, withholds affection, indifferent

3. Terrorizing – threatening to punish or take away possessions, pets, or other family members

4. Isolating – jealousy, restricting access to people or money, secluding from outside world

5. Corrupting – exposes or puts into inappropriate situations

“Emotional abuse is a very serious and often hidden problem. The scars, though not visible, can run very deep.”

Many of us have grown up, been in a relationship with, worked for, or even been coached by, someone who was emotionally abusive. It is often seen as a normal part of the culture of the organization and tolerated. We see this in elite sports…that coach who thinks he gets the best from his players by belittling them, pitting them against each other, and blaming them for the losses. We see this in the workplace…CEO’s who yell obscenities at their workers, who demand unquestionable obedience, or who pit teams against each other. We see this in the home…where a partner isolates, belittles and ignores.

Emotional Abuse can lead to many emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural issues. It can impact social development, future success, and relationships outside of the abusive relationship.

General Impact Of Emotional Abuse:

  • Low self-esteem and confidence
  • Unable to make decisions
  • Lack of interest in life
  • Isolation
  • Sleep problems
  • Illness
  • Substance use
  • Depression

Emotional Abuse and Children
Patterns Of Behaviour:

In children, emotional abuse can be seen as a pattern of behaviour that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. (National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse) In children, you may specifically notice signs such as the development of rocking, sucking or biting one’s self, being inappropriately aggressive, speech problems, tantrums, excessive anxiety and fears, and an inability to relate to others. The child may make self-hate statements, and/or be shy and overly compliant.

The existence of one of these signs may not indicate emotional abuse, however, several of these over a period of time should not be ignored and should be investigated and explored further.

What Can Be Done?

People who are the target of emotional abuse are made to feel insignificant and incapable. They may actually begin to feel that they have brought this on themselves and that it really is their fault. Often, having an advocate or a person that they can confide in, can help them to see the abuse is not their fault and to reach out for support to deal with the abuse that they are facing. Many organizations and workplaces now have policies and guidelines on how to handle bullying and harassment situations, including how these situations need to be documented, reported, investigated, and rectified.

Here are some general suggestions to deal with an abusive situation.

As The Recipient:

1. Take precautions – look for the signs of excessive jealousy and control

2. Don’t blame yourself for the way other person is treating you

3. Believe in yourself – believe that you deserve to be treated with respect

4. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable than this is probably not a healthy relationship

5. Talk to someone – find someone you can trust – a family member, friend, co-worker, EAP, supervisor, spiritual leader, community advisor or health professional. Call the Distress Centre and they can help make the appropriate referral. These resources can help you to examine all of your options so that you can decide what is best for you.

What To Do If You Feel You Are Becoming Abusive:

1. Recognize the types and strength of the various feelings related to numerous situations

2. Develop a realistic attitude about what you and those around you can achieve

3. Be respectful of other’s ideas, opinions and talents

4. Find alternative ways to express difficult emotions

5. Get help – find a counselor, therapist or a doctor that can assist you in examining why you attack and tear the other person down and help you to take personal responsibility for the steps needed to change your reactions.

Words DO Hurt

The childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” may have some truth to it. But continual emotional abuse does hurt. It can affect the development and the self-esteem of the individual and it may ripple out to affect those around the person who is being attacked. Emotional abuse is serious but help is available – both to the one being abused and to the person being the abuser. Recognition is the key.

Article by, Beverly Beuermann-King
As Appeared on www.worksmartlivesmart.com

 

20 Expert Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People

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Believe it or not, you can stay calm, defuse conflict, and keep your dignity.

A and N photography/Shutterstock

We’ve all been there—trying valiantly to reason with an incredibly difficult person. The situation proves frustrating, maddening, and sometimes even frightening. The truth is, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. However, there are proven techniques to better manage such dicey situations.

I learned the ropes of what’s technically called “verbal de-escalation” from many years working in hospitals. Every year, we’d go through training on how to defuse difficult situations in which a patient, family member, or even another employee was extremely angry and seemingly out of control.

What follows are the tactics that professional crisis intervention teams use, and you can learn them, too. You can use these techniques with your boss, a customer, a family member, even a stranger. Keep in mind: The closer your relationship the person, the more knowledge you’ll have of what will best work to calm things down.

These tips may feel unnatural at first. When you’re dealing with a person behaving unreasonably, the fear response center in your brain (the fight-flight-freeze part) is going to be activated. This part of the brain can’t distinguish between a customer that’s yelling at you or a vicious dog about to attack you. It’s up to you to engage your conscious mind in order to defuse the situation. Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset to cultivate. Others are more specific in advising you what to do in the moment.

  1. Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with “unreasonable” people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you’re listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.
  2. Stay calm. When a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Monitor your breathing. Try to take some slow, deep breaths.
  3. Don’t judge. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Chances are, if a person is acting unreasonable, they are likely feeling some sort of vulnerability or fear.
  4. Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how a person is treating you, showing contempt will not help productively resolve the situation.
  5. Look for the hidden need. What is this person really trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?
  6. Look for others around you who might be able to help. If you’re at work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a colleague is close by.
  7. Don’t demand compliance. For example, telling someone who’s upset to be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the person what they are upset about—and allow them to vent.
  8. Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse. Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”
  9. Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.
  10. Don’t act defensively. This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)
  11. Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.
  12. Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything.
  13. Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
  14. Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way toward defusing many situations.
  15. Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have the right to be assertive and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
  16. Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an exit strategy.
  17. One response does not fit all. You have to remain flexible. Although these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.
  18. Debrief. After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.
  19. Discharge your own stress. You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the time to discharge some of that pent up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.
  20. Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation. It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!

Article by, Barbara Markway, Ph.D.,

The Art of Dealing With Difficult People

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Seven Ways to Ditch the Drama

Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

Difficult people
There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

Clear presenceBringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

The difficult person is trapped
Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

Good and evil
It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.

Article By Azriel ReShel,
As appeared on upliftconnect.com

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

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Communication Skills – Dealing with Difficult People

When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.

People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!

1. Don’t get Hooked !!!

When people behave towards you in a manner that makes you feel angry, frustrated or annoyed – this is known as a Hook.

We can even become “Hooked” by the way people look, how they talk, how they smell and even by their general demeanour.

If we take the bait then we are allowing the other person to control our behaviour.

This can then result in an unproductive response.

We have a choice whether we decided to get hooked or stay unhooked.

2. Don’t let them get to you

We often allow the other person’s attitude to irritate or annoy us.

This becomes obvious to the other person through our tone of voice and our body language.

This only fuels a difficult situation. When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.

People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!

3. Listen – listen – listen

Look and sound like you’re listening. – When face-to-face you need to look interested, nod your head and keep good eye contact.

Over the ‘phone – you need to make the occasional “Uh Hu – I See”

If the other person senses that you care and that you’re interested in their problem, then they’re likely to become more reasonable.

4. Get all the facts – write them down

Repeat back (paraphrase) the problem to ensure your understanding and to let the other person know that you are listening.

5. Use names

A person’s name is one of the warmest sounds they hear. It says that you have recognised them as an individual. It is important not to overdo it as it may come across as patronising to the other person.

Make sure they know your name and that you’ll take ownership of the problem.

6. DON’T blame someone or something else

7. Watch out for people’s egos

” Don’t interrupt

” Don’t argue

” Don’t jump in with solutions

” Allow them to let off steam

” Don’t say, “Calm down”.

8. See it from the other person’s point of view

Too often we think the “difficult” person is making too much fuss.

We think – “What’s the big deal; I’ll fix it right away”. It is a big deal for the other person and they want you to appreciate it.

You don’t necessarily need to agree with the person however you accept the fact that it’s a problem for them.

9. Be very aware of your body language and tone of voice

We often exacerbate a situation without realising it.

Our tone of voice and our body language can often contradict what we’re saying.

We may be saying sorry however our tone and our body language may be communicating our frustration and annoyance.

People listen with their eyes and will set greater credence on how you say something rather than what you say.

It’s also important to use a warm tone of voice when dealing with a difficult situation.

This doesn’t mean being “nicey- nicey” or behaving in a non-assertive manner.

10. Words to avoid

There are certain trigger words that can cause people to become more difficult especially in emotionally charged situations. These include:

“You have to” –

“But” –

“I want you to” –

“I need you to” –

“It’s company policy” –

“I can’t or You can’t” –

“Jargon” or “Buzz” words –

“Sorry” –

“I’ll try” –

11. Stop saying Sorry

Sorry is an overused word, everyone says it when something goes wrong and it has lost its value.

How often have you heard – “Sorry ’bout that, give me the details and I’ll sort this out for you.” Far better to say – “I apologise for .”

And if you really need to use the “sorry” word, make sure to include it as part of a full sentence. “I’m sorry you haven’t received that information as promised Mr Smith.” (Again, it’s good practice to use the person’s name).

There are other things you can say instead of sorry.

12. Empathise

The important thing to realise when dealing with a difficult person is to:

Deal with their feelings – then deal with their problem.

Using empathy is an effective way to deal with a person’s feelings.

Empathy isn’t about agreement, only acceptance of what the person is saying and feeling.

Basically, the message is – “I understand how you feel.”

Obviously, this has to be a genuine response, the person will realise if you’re insincere and they’ll feel patronised.

Examples of an empathy response would be – “I can understand that you’re angry,” or “I see what you mean.” Again, these responses need to be genuine.

13. Build Rapport

Sometimes it’s useful to add another phrase to the empathy response, including yourself in the picture. – “I can understand how you feel, I don’t like it either when that happens to me”

This has the effect of getting on the other person’s side and builds rapport.

Some people get concerned when using this response, as they believe it’ll lead to “Well why don’t you do something about it then.”

The majority of people won’t respond this way if they realise that you are a reasonable and caring person.

If they do, then continue empathising and tell the person what you’ll do about the situation.

14. Under promise – over deliver

Whatever you say to resolve a situation, don’t make a rod for your own back.

We are often tempted in a difficult situation to make promises that are difficult to keep.

We say things like – “I’ll get this sorted this afternoon and phone you back.” It may be difficult to get it sorted “this afternoon”. Far better to say – “I’ll get this sorted by tomorrow lunchtime.” Then phone them back that afternoon or early the next morning and they’ll think you’re great.

You don’t win them all.

Remember, everyone gets a little mad from time to time, and you won’t always be able to placate everyone, – there’s no magic formula.

However, the majority of people in this world are reasonable people and if you treat them as such, then they’re more likely to respond in a positive manner.

Some more thoughts:

These notes are primarily designed to help deal with difficult people when we have made a mistake.

We often have to deal with other people where we have not made a mistake, however, the people we’re dealing with often prove to be difficult and unwilling to accept what we say.

We, therefore, need to demonstrate assertive behaviour that helps us communicate clearly and confidently our needs, wants and feelings to other people without abusing in any way their human rights.


This article was contributed by Alan Fairweather. As appeared on www.impactfactory.com

Alan Fairweather is the author of four ebooks in the “How to get More Sales” series. Lots of practical actions you can take to build your business and motivate your team.

Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.

Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster.

Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

 Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

How To Deal Effectively With Difficult People (And Some Other Secrets)

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How to Deal Effectively With Difficult People (and Some Other Secrets)

 

It’s inevitable.  At some point in your week, you’ll run into one of them.  Those people who seem to turn a wonderful day into a dark one.  But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.

There are studies that demonstrate that people’s energy is contagious.  If you’re happy and an angry person walks into the room, you can feel it.  Your happiness is suddenly dampened.  The angry person spews their negative energy upon anyone in their path, leaving you with the after-effects.

With a few key tools, you can repel that negativity and spread your happiness instead.  With these tools, you’ll never have to lose your smile to a negative person.

1. Take A Deep Breath Or Three.

This allows you to take a moment to think about how you’ll respond to the other person.  It’s amazing what a difference taking those extra moments can make.

Without taking that breath, you may lash out, get defensive, cower or unconsciously repeat your own negative patterns.  This is how couples tend to have the same fights over and over again.  They each press the same buttons of their partner and everyone reacts the same way they always have, repeating the patterns.

The only way to break the pattern is to slow down, become aware of them and make a different choice about how to respond.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally.  Know That It’s Not About You.

Know that the other person has their own issues that have nothing to do with you.  This can be anything from a bad day to a bad childhood that they haven’t chosen to do something about.

I have a family member whose school yearbooks have quotes from other students that all say something to the effect of:  “You would be a great person if you weren’t so mean” or “if you weren’t such a bully.”  He has continued to be a bully throughout his life.  Being critical, judging others and being a bully all come from fear.  Fear of not living up to some standard.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of not being loved or accepted.  Bullies attempt to tear down others so they can feel better about themselves.  They do it to almost everyone around them – not just you.

If the difficult person always focuses on a certain area like criticizing how others look or judging the work of others, know that this person has issues with how they see themselves.  They’re tearing others down in those areas in order to feel better about themselves.

Sometimes friends can be a little nasty.  If I know that’s not how they usually are, I‘ll ask them what’s happening in their life.  Sometimes all they need is someone to listen to them to turn their mood around.  And if I can’t help them to feel better, at least I’ve found the source of their negativity and I know it has nothing to do with me.

3. Put Yourself In Their Shoes.

Without a good understanding of where the other person is coming from, you can make snap judgments that only maintain the negative situation.

Sometimes I imagine the tough childhood of a bully:  not getting the love they needed from their parents so they had many insecurities that led them to lash out at others in an attempt to feel better about themselves.  When I see an adult bully, I imagine the poor little 12 year old not getting the love he or she needed.  I then feel compassion for them which causes me to respond to them much differently than if I had felt that they were picking on me in particular.

Alternatively, if you know the difficult person is just having a bad day, put yourself in their shoes and think of some small thing you can do for them that might turn their mood around.

4. Get On Their Side And Don’t Get Defensive.

If the difficult person thinks that you’re working with them, it’s hard for them to fight you.  Instead of getting defensive, ask what you can do to help them.  They can’t get mad at you if you’re trying to help them.

5. Create Aa Much Distance As You Can Between The Two Of You.

Find reasons not to get together.  Be busy when they ask for your time.

Difficult people feed off of the people who perpetuate their drama.  When you avoid the person and diffuse the drama, they can’t maintain their nasty persona with you and they won’t seek you out.

You can keep difficult people from ruining your day by remembering these points.  Ultimately, you can’t control other people.  You can only control how you respond to them.  It’s your response that makes a positive difference in your day and might even make that difficult person smile.

It’s Not All About Them

Now that you know how to deal with others, remember that these difficult people wouldn’t bother you so much if there wasn’t something similar inside you that you haven’t dealt with yet.

In a similar vein, you attract people to you for a reason.  If you seem to be surrounded by difficult people or they show up in your work and personal life, ask yourself what lessons you need to learn from them.

Difficult people will continue to show up for you until you take responsibility for your own being.

Have you considered whether you’re the difficult person in other people’s lives?  Take a few moments throughout your day to notice how others are responding to you.  What do you find?

As appeared on www.simplemindfulness.com

How to deal with difficult people

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Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal, Contributors

Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC's "Seinfeld"

NBC|Getty Images| Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC’s “Seinfeld”

Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.

First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.

Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.

Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.

Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.

Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”

But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.

Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder ofThe Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.

As appeared on www.cnbc.com

3 Ways I Handle Conflict

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Don’t relish conflict, but don’t fear it. Handling conflict is one of the most misunderstood parts of our existence. It is often unpleasant; many people try to avoid it. Others seem to thrive on the stress of it. I think some even use it to overpower others. Maybe that’s why they look for opportunities to bully people.

However, conflict is best seen as an opportunity to understand our differences, since that’s when conflict usually arises: when we see something different. I handle conflict in the following 3 ways.

1. Think constructively.

When a problem comes up, think constructively. You are not attacking the other person, and hopefully, he is not attacking you, either. If he is, redirect him to the problem. That is what you both should be focused on: the principle, not the person. In this day and age, too many people resort to letting arguments become personal – name-calling, mockery, personal attacks. I suppose humans have always done it. We can’t stay focused on the matter before us so we get frustrated and lash out, or we realize that our position should change but we aren’t confident enough to do so. That seems to be the common approach to conflict. Don’t be like that. Be constructive. Be uncommon.

2. Stay focused on solutions and communication.

Admit when you’re wrong, but stand your ground when you’re right. I have always liked the movie Twelve Angry Men. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays a member of a jury charged with returning a verdict in a murder trial. The evidence appears clear-cut, and the other eleven are ready to return a guilty verdict and move on with their lives. But Fonda’s character is not satisfied that the evidence is conclusive and he feels the need to walk through it again, much to the dismay of the other eleven jurors. Time and time again, a vote is taken, and still, he stands alone. Some of the other jurors begin to make it personal. The room becomes very tense, but Fonda’s character just keeps his focus on the job they’ve been given to do.

He exhorts the other jurors to reexamine the evidence between each vote, and the votes begin to shift: 11-1, 10-2, 8-4, and so on. Finally, after reexamining the evidence a number of times, all of the jurors agree on a verdict of not guilty.

3. There are times to stand alone.

Sometimes we have to stand alone for an extended period of time. Other times, the mere act of our standing for what we believe in brings others with us, and we are no longer alone. Either way, conflict can serve to illuminate truth or illuminate differences. In any event, it doesn’t have to be feared.

 Article by , As appeared on www.allprodad.com

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Photo: Sam Edwards/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Photo: John Wildgoose/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.

What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Photo: Image Source RF/Cadalpe/Getty Images

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.

What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.

What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Photo: Henglein and Steets/Cultura/Getty Images

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.

What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty Images

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.

What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By,
Deepak Chopra, As appeared on oprah.com

How To Manage Conflict At Work

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Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do.  I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote.  “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company.  While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Angry face
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate.  I never liked conflict.  But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job.  Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it.   Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider.   Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse.   Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can.   There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too…  And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son.  (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.)   Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above.  You’re management.  You’re the voice of reason.  Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR –  Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters:  When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions.   I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts.  They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel.  My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it.  During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes.  And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war.  Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing.  Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can.   Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t.  It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Article by, Victor Lipman , an executive coach and author of The Type B Manager.

 

 

 

As appeared on forbes.com

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

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Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
How Smart People Handle Difficult People

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

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Stop Letting That Difficult Person Ruin Your Day

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difficult-person-negative-attitudeIt’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering if this is what your life has come to. You hear yourself describing your day as if it were someone else using those words. If someone talked to you like that, you’d wonder why that person continued to work where they do. Why are you letting one difficult person ruin an otherwise good day?

Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about that one difficult person to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters with difficult clients.

SO WHY ARE PEOPLE DIFFICULT?

Why do some people see the cup as being half empty instead of half full? The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some people learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the people who enter our offices with complaints in hand and use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some people feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These clients may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For other clients, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners.

Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

The next thing you know, we ourselves complain, grow stubborn and more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Fraught with difficult people and negative attitudes, our work environment becomes a daily scene of excessive finger-pointing, backstabbing and gossiping, higher rates of absenteeism, lower productivity and decreased quality of customer service.

Can we stop negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads in our workplace? Unfortunately, the answer is no — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has worked for them before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours.

To do this, we must understand what people expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

HERE ARE A FEW TIPS ON WAYS TO STOP DIFFICULT BEHAVIOURS AND REDUCE THE IMPACT OF NEGATIVE ATTITUDES THAT WE ENCOUNTER IN OUR DAILY AFFAIRS.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish. Staff should still be responsive to clients’ needs and concerns, rather than caught up in red tape and “by-the-book” procedures.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters.

3. Try and remember details about the person. Write them down and mention them the next time you’re chatting. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

4. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Ask clients if there is anything you can do to improve their visit – even when you don’t want to hear their answer.

5. Give clients as much information as you can. I was recently waiting in an emergency room with my son. When the doctor arrived and began her assessment, she received an emergency page and quickly left. I was very annoyed, as my son grew restless. A nurse came by and said that the doctor had to deliver a baby and would be back shortly. That information was all that I needed to hear to make me feel better about the situation.

6. Look at the procedures that the person has to work their way through. Are you keeping them waiting, but expecting them to be on time? Make a realistic schedule, but if you are running behind, leave a message even if they may have already left for their appointment. It shows that you respect them and regret causing them any inconvenience. Can you offer them an extra service or a small token of appreciation for their patience — before they become annoyed by the delay?

7. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, they may be just the things that clients remember. If you say you cater to families, does the environment of the office really convey that when clients with children walk in? There is nothing more stressful to a parent then to try and occupy a child in a confined space. Even being a few minutes behind schedule can upset the calmest of parents. To decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

8. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

9. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you (and not the client) who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

10. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what people expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help people feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes. And if you find yourself saying that what I am recommending will never work – well then, it may be time for you to reflect upon the negative vibes that you may be sending out.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

Dealing with conflict in the workplace

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People want leadership roles for a variety of reasons, but the opportunity to manage conflicts is rarely at the top of anyone’s list. It’s a skill that many have a hard time mastering — and let’s face it, avoiding conflict tends to be the first inclination for most of us.
Workplace conflicts can emerge in any number of forms, but there are some general, garden-variety types that I see on a repeated basis: conflicts with the boss, conflicts with peers and conflicts among a manager’s direct reports or teammates.

In all of these cases, leaders need to consider two basic questions. How important is the issue? And, how important is this relationship? Your answers will determine whether to let it slide or try to resolve it. Let’s explore each type.

Conflict with the boss

I have encountered a lot of people who have conflicts with those in more senior positions, sometimes because their boss isn’t doing enough to support the team or is doing too much micromanaging.

The relationship with your boss is obviously important for getting work done and for getting ahead. As a result, you should invest the time needed to resolve the conflict. The key question then becomes: What’s my role in the conflict, and what can I do to improve the situation?

While it’s easy (and maybe legitimate) to blame your boss, this unfortunately isn’t the most productive option. If you actually want things to get better, you’ll need a different approach. Schedule a conversation or a lunch so you can understand your boss’s goals and motivations, express your concerns and explore ways to work better together. Getting insight into your boss’s reasoning and outlook may spark ideas about new techniques for handling the situation.

Plus, the conversation will send a clear signal that you’re interested in building a better bond and resolving the tension that exists. Finally, make it clear that you are quite willing to carry out any directions being given (assuming they are not immoral or unethical), but that you would first like to suggest a better way that can be helpful.

Conflict with a peer

In today’s working world, very little happens in isolation. You inevitably rely on others to get things done. For better and worse, however, we don’t all operate in the same ways and so conflict is inevitable.

One of the best strategies I’ve heard for resolving conflicts with a peer comes from Solly Thomas, a coach in some of the Partnership for Public Service’s leadership programs. Thomas, a former government executive, suggests identifying a colleague who has an effective working relationship with the peer who is giving you problems.

Make clear to the other colleague that your goal is to resolve the conflict and get work done, then tap into his or her knowledge of the other person for tips in getting along. Try out the advice, and perhaps also tactfully attempt to break the tension by talking with your colleague about possible middle ground.

Conflicts among direct reports or teammates

Leaders at nearly every level have been the uncomfortable witnesses to conflicts among teammates. Your choices are basically to look away or jump into the fray.

If the conflict is with people you supervise, and you know they are not going to react well, avoiding the conflict is tempting but ineffective. One of my colleagues recounted a situation in a former office when — after spending too much time avoiding a confrontation with a subordinate who had a history of causing disruption — he decided to have the difficult conversation with her. He made sure to focus solely on the job-related behaviors and not infer motivation. Still, she became irate and cursed at him before storming out of his office. However, the next day she gave him a letter of resignation. Conflict resolved.

As a leader, you want to allow for a certain amount of creative tension, but the moment that conflict becomes counterproductive, you need to act. While the issues that cause conflict vary in importance, your relationships to teammates and the relationships among teammates must be functional if you hope to have a productive environment.

One option is to sit down with employees – separately or together – and make your work-related outcomes and behavioral expectations clear. Then, treat the employees as adults and ask them to resolve their differences. Let them know they will be held accountable if they don’t.

Article by, Tom Fox

Tom Fox, a guest writer for On Leadership, is a vice president at the nonprofit Partnership for Public Service. He also heads the Partnership’s Center for Government Leadership.

How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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difficult bossIt’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering why you put up with your difficult boss. Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours. Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may increase their difficult reactions. According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.

Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads? Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.

To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.

In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:

5 quick tips that may also be helpful when dealing with a difficult boss

1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’

3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours

Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

How to Deal With Employees Who Don’t Get Along

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Blame it on personality, lifestyle or other factors, but sometimes employees just don’t mesh. And friction in the ranks can make your office feel like a war zone.

The tension can make the workplace uncomfortable for other employees and have a dramatic effect on productivity.

But, conflict between two employees isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation or creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully put out fires between feuding employees.

Step 1. Encourage employees to work it out

Remember you’re their manager, not their mother. Use your judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Managers should want their employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. Encourage your employees to manage their issues on their own. By reacting to every whine from a worker you may actually make the situation worse by feeding into the drama. This might be perceived as favoritism and turn other employees against you.

To do this successfully, first determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and the severity of the conflict. When you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know that you’re aware of the situation. You should also encourage open communication and resolution among employees. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

Understand that many people don’t like confrontation, so they may need guidance or talking points on how to approach the other person. Hold them accountable for their actions and for resolving the issue.

Step 2. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out and you’ll be forced to step in. Like a bad sore, if ignored too long, employee disputes can fester and infect the entire workplace and ultimately taint the reputation of your company. Workplace disputes that aren’t addressed eventually end up sucking other employees into the drama. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity. Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts.

Step 3. Listen to both sides

By the time you get involved, your office may already be buzzing with gossip. Don’t assume you know the situation based on the whispers you’ve heard around the office. First, deal with the two individuals or group of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about refocusing other staff members later. Sit the feuding employees down and ask each to explain their side of the story.

Some experts recommend this be done individually, while others believe you should discuss the problem with both at the same time. But before you do that, be sure to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. This way you can be sure you’re create an environment where you can discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees at the same time is the best course of action, provide each employee uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward.

As a manager, you need to be as objective as possible. You never, ever want to take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse.

Step 4. Identify the real issue

Often the cause of an argument between a group of employees can get clouded by the all the emotions that surround it. Try to get each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Ask them what they want to see as an outcome. Like a doctor, treating the symptoms only puts a Band-Aid over the issue. To avoid future flare ups, you need to get to the source. Only then, will you be able to come up with a permanent solution.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this or you don’t think you can be impartial, you may want to consider hiring a third-party mediator to handle the situation.

Step 5. Consult your employee handbook

Deciphering right from wrong may mean reviewing your company’s policy. Employee handbooks are designed to lay down consistent rules that each employee is expected to uphold at all times. Some examples policies that you may want to add into your employee handbook are “guidelines for appropriate conduct” and/or “conflict resolution policies.” More severe instances of conflict may move into the category of harassment or discrimination, so your handbook should also contain these policies as well as directions on how to file a complaint.

In order to offer a fair resolution, you’ll need to make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above the laws set forth in the workplace. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 6. Find a solution

Employers need to get employees focused on the job at hand. Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. That might require reorganizing teams or giving the employees time to “cool off” before they work together again. And remember, you have a business to run. If the conflicts continue, they could seriously affect productivity. And in some cases you may need to reevaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 7. Write it up

Employees may not like it, but it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. This will help you monitor behavior over time and keep an eye out for repeat offenders that may be polluting your office. Documenting incidents can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. Always write down details from each run-in an employee has had. Ensure that your write-up is fact-based and that you keep a copy in all involved employees’ files. Include the who, what, when, where and how as well as the resolution to which all parties agreed and committed.

Step 8. Teach them how to talk

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these problems have communication issues already. If you’re experiencing a lot of strife among your staff, you may want to provide communication and problem solving training. These courses teach employees how to effectively articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn will help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 9. Lead by example

Much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. A culture of respectful communication is a “top down” proposition. Business owners, directors, managers and other supervisors set the tone for interaction in the workplace.

By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that values integrity and communication. When you are open and honest, employees are more likely to do the same.

Looking for more tips on how to positively influence your team as a leader? Download our free magazine, The Insperity Guide to Leadership and Management.

 

Article by, by  in Leadership and management

Dealing With Difficult Employees

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difficult employeeThere are a few employees at my store who are great workers, but who really create tension among other staff members. How should I address this situation?

Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of tension from happening.

So why are people difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For others, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Here are a few tips on ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much  information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

Five Conflict Management Strategies

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Kenneth Kaye once said, “Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital.”

Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I’ve found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations. But running from conflict will not serve anyone well. Ultimately, the elephant in the room only grows or becomes much more unwieldy.

The implications of shunning confrontation range from a breakdown of communication and damaged relationships to lowered organizational productivity and morale. Here are some questions to consider when evaluating your ability to effectively confront employees during times of conflict. Be sure to write down your answers:

• On a scale of 1-5, how comfortable are you with having tough conversations?

• What is your go-to method for handling conflict with employees? E-mail, phone, face-to-face or other?

• Is it hard for you to manage your emotions effectively when talking about a challenging or fear-inducing situation?

• How do you create an open dialogue with your team, regardless of difficult circumstances?

• How do you exhibit poise and self-control in the presence of confrontations?

• How comfortable are you with giving what might be perceived as negative feedback?

If your answers to the above are less than appealing, the following tips can guide you to build a healthy workplace culture that faces confrontation at the right time with courage and confidence:

1. Identify the opportunity. Shift the lens through which you view conflict. By adopting a positive outlook on confrontation, you’ll discover that every conflict is a new opportunity for both the other party and you to grow, develop and learn. After all, if you have tended to avoid conflict, the underlying topics and details are likely things that you have rarely, if ever, discussed, representing growth opportunities and innovative approaches you have yet to uncover.

2. Build a culture that encourages giving and receiving feedback. Ask your team for their frequent, healthy feedback, and you will begin to show boldness and encourage transparency through your example. Allowing unpleasant truths to trickle out gradually fosters a sense of camaraderie and understanding within your organization, in turn reducing the risk of future conflict. What’s more, creating honest dialogue lets your employees know their opinions are valued, raising their level of engagement. Finally, when confrontations do arise, they will feel far more inclined to receive your concerns with an open mind and an appreciation of your opinion instead of reflexively thinking the sky is falling.

3. Be proactive, but resist jumping to conclusions. Prevent problematic behavior from escalating beyond repair by taking swift action, but do not jump to conclusions before reaching a full understanding of the situation. Assume positive intent to immediately activate a spirit that diffuses the situation. Another way to be proactive is to measure your words to avoid being the source of conflict in the first place. Saying, “I need to see you in my office at 3 p.m.” has the potential to spiral reactions that “Can we prioritize the risks on your project in my office at 3 p.m.?” would otherwise sidestep.

4. Do not use e-mail for conflict. If e-mail is your go-to to manage conflict, it is time to get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Let your level of fear be your compass. The more emotion you are feeling, the more the situation is likely to be faced in person. If you don’t, you are subjecting yourself to the gravitational forces that pull these types of situations southward. Effective conflict management will require real-time awareness of the facts and your undivided attention.

5. Engage productively using storytelling. Before any confrontation, consider that the other person may be right from the beginning and question your own opinion. When you do present your concerns, start with storytelling if you can, rather than headlining with any abrupt, premature summaries of your stance on the matter(s) at hand. We experience our lives through stories, which are entertaining and engaging. Make your case and then create space for the other person to process and respond to you, and truly listen to them.

Using Humor To Alleviate The Burden Of Confrontation

Here’s an example conflict of a peer ignoring your emails or requests. Say you have an eight-year-old named Janet.

You: “You know, it’s hilarious that lately when I call Janet in the other room, I can holler four or five times, and no answer.”

Peer: “You, too, huh? Yeah, no one is exempt.”

You: “But if I yell something like ‘Hey, it’s time for ice cream!’ she’ll break furniture and run over the dog to get to me.”

Peer: (laughing) “As I said, no one is exempt.”

You: “I think I’m going to start sending you e-mails about ice cream.”

Now it’s all in the delivery, and every relationship requires its own special touch, but humor and storytelling, like in the example above, are much more effective than just sending an instant message or e-mail. Wouldn’t that be ironic saying, “Why don’t you answer any of my e-mails?”

By being fully accountable to the demands of leadership, and committing yourself to the above steps, almost every confrontation you have can be redirected toward a productive outcome. Those former self-doubts and insecurities that hindered your ability to face conflict will be replaced with confident, courageous resolve and an understanding of the healthy dynamics that can move your business forward faster than you ever thought possible.


Article by, Laura Berger
Laura Berger is principal at the Berdeo Group

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

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We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.


Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business

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When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.

1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.

2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.

3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.

4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.

5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.

6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.

7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.

8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.

9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.

10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.

Article by, Nathalie Boutet

Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.

As appeared on theglobeandmail.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the ​bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict

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Build Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Multi-ethnic business people having a meaningful and appropriate confrontation.

A former colleague holds complete conversations in his head with people with whom he is angry. He rarely speaks directly with the other person. This anger in his mind continues to build because of his frustration, yet he never lets the other person know that he is frustrated and subsequently angry.

His conflict avoidance almost cost him his marriage because he didn’t let his wife into the conversations he was having with her but by himself.

It was almost too late by the time he did bring her into the real conversation.

His need to avoid confrontation is so strong that he has a safe confrontation in his mind and feels that he has dealt with the issue. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work – especially for the other person involved.

Are you guilty of holding mental conflicts and confrontations?

Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation. I understand the concept of having the conversation in your head; so you can plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sometimes these mental conversations are enough to settle the issue, as you realize you are making too much out of a simple situation.

I know that I have spent hours lying in bed at night having conversations with people with whom I am angry and frustrated. Not only does this practice disrupt your sleep, your attitude, and your health, it never really resolves the issue, and is potentially damaging to your relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you need to confront every action. If you have the conversation once in your head, don’t worry about it. If it comes back and you have it again, perhaps start thinking about holding a real conversation.

By the third in your head confrontation, you need to start planning how you will deal with the real confrontation because it looks as if you are going to need to do that.

How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation

Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.

For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.

Say instead, “It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see.”

(I’ve used additional communication techniques such as I-language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)

Make your initial statement and stop talking.

When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It’s a human tendency, but don’t make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.

Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.

Especially since you’ve probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it’s a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.

Avoid arguing during the confrontation.

Confrontation does not mean fight. It means that you need to state what you have say. Listen to what they have to say. Many times it actually ends right there.

Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take the blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.

Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.

If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she’ll say something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week.”

If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don’t get into an argument about whether she did or didn’t mention anything to the boss last week – that isn’t really the issue and don’t let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.

Your response could be, “I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project.”

Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.

The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don’t fight.

The issue is you aren’t receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That’s it. It isn’t about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.

You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can’t stand up for yourself, who will?

Article By, Rhonda Scharf

We Are All Mediators: How to Solve Conflict in the Workplace

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business analyst Conflict HandshakeMost employees and managers have a story about a conflict in the workplace that got out of hand. Sometimes, the events remain in the past, but sometimes they take root and lead to rifts within an office. 

Cold exchanges are made in the breakroom, two employees avoid eye contact in meetings, and projects slow to a crawl because of a breakdown in communication.

This all can be avoided with solid conflict resolution techniques.

Next time a problem flares up in the office, follow this method to identify the problems, find solutions and work toward fostering a positive team environment.

Conflict Occurs in Every Workplace

Even the most congenial offices face workplace conflicts throughout the year.

A.J. O’Connor Associates reports that American employees spend an average of 2.8 hours per week managing conflict, which results in $435 billion in lost productivity annually. The differences between a cooperative and a toxic office lie in how long problems take to get solved.

However, the survey also shows that conflict can be an opportunity for growth. In fact, 75 percent of employees said they have experienced positive outcomes from a well-managed conflict that might not have occurred without the conflict in the first place.

The key phrase here is “well-managed conflict,” as so many problems within the workplace are handled poorly.

The Two Types of Workplace Conflict

Before you can start to solve conflicts in your office, you need to know the types of conflict you’re dealing with.

In a study of 2,100 UK employees, CIPD found that 38 percent of employees experienced some sort of interpersonal conflict at work in the past year, and 25 percent said conflict is a normal part of the workplace. The team at CIPD then divides these incidents into two types: isolated disputes and ongoing conflict relationships.

While an isolated dispute occurs because of an event and can may only last a few days, ongoing conflict relationships can last for months and build with every new problem.

The type of conflict you’re dealing with will dictate how you solve the problem, but understand that they aren’t mutually exclusive conflicts — an isolated dispute handled poorly can lead to an ongoing conflict.

Addressing Conflict is a Key Management Skill

Business Analyst Conflict Meeting

Regardless of the level or severity of the issue, conflict needs to be addressed. The question is how it should be addressed.

The leadership team doesn’t have to step into every disagreement, but they should be able to in order to prevent problems from growing out of control.

“Leaders and employees who are not trained in conflict resolution often do not understand that conflict can be resolved as quickly as it comes on,” Dr. Bill Howatt writes at The Globe and Mail. “But when they are not resolved in a collaborative way and instead are left to fester, then the conflict has the opportunity to escalate.”

Howatt writes that conflict is a natural part of the workplace and can lead to important changes and a better understanding through communication.

Glenn Llopis agrees with Howatt. He says the tension must be addressed head-on, and management shouldn’t assume that the employee’s frustration will subside over time.

“Adversity is very big when it is all you can see,” he writes. “But it is very small when in the presence of all else that surrounds you.”

Acknowledging your colleague’s or your employee’s perspective (even if they’re still not getting their way) can validate their feelings and help both of you move toward a solution.

Evaluating the Severity of the Conflict

Before you address the conflict, you should evaluate the working relationship between the two parties in question. This will help you decide whether you should get involved or step back.

“In all of these cases, leaders need to consider two basic questions,” Tom Fox writes at the Washington Post. “How important is the issue? And, how important is this relationship? Your answers will determine whether to let it slide or try to resolve it.”

Fox highlights the relationship between employees and managers as an example. This is a highly important relationship, as both parties will have to keep working together even after the issue is solved. In this case, a third-party mediator (like a co-worker or higher-level employee) could help create a platform for communication.

Five Steps to Mediate Workplace Conflict

When mediating between two parties, it helps to have an established framework to use in order to fairly evaluate both sides. By being fair and procedural, you reduce the risk of isolated incidents becoming ongoing relationship conflicts.

Dr. Beverly Flaxington has created a five-step sample model that you can apply to most conflicts:

  1. Specify the desired outcome: Let each party explain what they’re hoping to achieve.
  2. Highlight and categorize the obstacles: Let each side voice their problems with the other’s goals or solutions.
  3. Identify the stakeholders: Talk about who will be affected by the decision outside of this meeting.
  4. Brainstorm possible alternatives: Find ways to meet in the middle or use a third option to solve the conflict.
  5. Take action based on the solution: By taking immediate action, you show that the discussion is over and there’s no point fighting against the decision.

Again, by giving both parties a fair chance to lobby for their choices, you’re validating your team members and treating them with respect.

Emotion and Fact Are Often Hard to Separate

Business Analyst Conflict Argue

“Humans are creatures of emotion,” writes Reuben Yonatan, CEO of GetVoIP. “If you haven’t already realized how combative people can become when they think their ideas are under attack, you’ll learn soon enough within a team setting.”

Most, if not all, conflict will be tied to some sort of emotion. Your goal as a leader is to separate the facts from the emotion and make the best possible decision.

For example, an employee might fight back against a new process because he says it’s too complex, but his real issue could be a fear of change or disengagement within the company. One incident is a symptom of a larger problem.

“When we are under stress, we revert to our primitive fight or flight response — the brain doesn’t appreciate that it’s not a lion attack but an irritable colleague,” Macarena Mata writes at HRZone.

“In very quick succession, effective communication becomes less effective, assumptions become ‘facts,’ psychological insecurities become our platform of communication and suddenly destructive workplace conflict erupts.”

Tapping Into Workplace Emotional Intelligence

The fact that conflict is so closely tied to emotion highlights the value of emotional intelligence in the workplace. Emotional intelligence is your ability to accurately track your emotions as they happen and evaluate the emotions of others. It is your ability to control how you react in certain situations while understanding why others might react differently.

Dr. Travis Bradberry reports that emotional intelligence (the foundation for traits like empathy, change tolerance and problem solving) is one of the most useful workplace skills and accounts for 58 percent of success in most positions.

He found that 90 percent of effective performers have high levels of emotional intelligence, but only 20 percent of the bottom performers do.

Learning to Recognize When You’re the Problem

In an article for She Owns It, Karen Doniere admits that it’s not a comfortable feeling to realize that there are emotional problems, cultural differences or generational rifts at the root of a problem — especially when it’s your own biases holding the team back.

However, if you’re mature enough to accept responsibility for the conflict and move forward, you can prevent the other parties from having a long-term personal conflict with you.

Identifying emotions can actually help managers resolve conflicts. By isolating the facts, they can focus on the core issues at hand instead of getting involved in personal disagreements.

Overcoming Your Fear of Conflict

The modern workplace has trained us to avoid conflict.

Employees worry about losing their jobs if they confront problems, and many managers are likewise scared to face issues and address their employees’ concerns. But the best managers know how to address conflicts in a productive manner.

“When you avoid conflict, you’re actually putting the focus squarely on yourself,” Amy Jen Suwrites at the Harvard Business Review.

Avoiding conflict means your fear motivates you — whether it’s the fear of having an idea shot down or the fear of causing tension in the workplace. This fear ultimately makes you an ineffective employee because the needs of the business will always be second to your own personal discomfort.

Creating a Conflict Discussion Roadmap

Rhonda Scharf has also seen fear paralyze her co-workers. She knew one man who almost lost his marriage because he wouldn’t communicate his problems to his wife. He would write entire conversations in his head addressing the issue but couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth!

To abate these fears, Scharf created a four-step process that people can follow when they want to address conflict in a way that opens the door for healthy discussion:

  1. State the issue in one or two non-emotional, fact-based sentences.
  2. Make your first statement, and then pause to let the other person address it.
  3. Figure out your ideal solution before the confrontation.
  4. Focus on the real issues of the confrontation.

Team members who fear conflict can mentally write out what they want to say following this process to temper the messiness of confrontation. In many ways, voicing your problems is a learning process. The more you do it, the better you will get.

The Dangers of Avoiding Office Conflict

Business Analyst Office Conflict

Even the best conflict-resolution managers avoid difficult conversations sometimes. However, difficult issues need to be addressed for the health of the company.

James Kerr notes that when management refuses to acknowledge conflict, the results are often diminished teamwork, reduced productivity and unresolved conflicts that ultimately can compel your top employees to leave.

“Those that can will move on to greener pastures when their current work environment becomes unbearable,” he writes. This often leaves management with just the people who benefit from the status quo. Companies constantly fight to recruit top talent, but a passive management style that doesn’t stop conflict could leave you with the worst people, not the best.  

Conflict Without Leadership Can Cause Bullying

The Trade Union Congress reports that 29 percent of workers have been bullied at work. Nearly half of these respondents said it has affected their performance along with their mental health.

By failing to address conflict in a fair and timely manner, you could be contributing to a culture of bullying within your office. Even if the bullies don’t realize the effects they have on their co-workers, your bullied employees will certainly see that you’re not doing anything to address the problem.

Ignoring Conflict Won’t Make it Go Away

Failing to address conflict doesn’t mean it isn’t there; it just means the conflict is occurring somewhere outside of your control.

“Organizations in which managers try to keep a lid on differences — of opinion, personal style, and cultural preferences — are usually riven with the undercurrents of unproductive conflict,”Muthu Subramanian writes.

When leaders encourage teams to address differences instead of suppressing, both parties can come up with opportunities to overcome and even embrace challenges.

Bullying, turnover, lost employees and a toxic workplace; is all of that worth giving into the fear of addressing conflict?

By improving your conflict-resolution skills, you will be able to solve more isolated problems and create a more positive work environment for your team. Furthermore, you will grow as a manager and continue to be an asset within your company.

Article Source: bobtheba.com

Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management

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Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience.  In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.

Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives:  at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities.  How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction.  The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.

The goal of  conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship.  When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:

Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.

Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.

Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.

Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager:  knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.

Conflict Management Styles

The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with.  These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict.  These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times.  However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.

1.    Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises.  This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.

2.    Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns.  Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice.  This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.

3.    Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.

4.    Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution:  one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals.  It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.

5.    Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.

Conflict Management Strategies

These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:

•    issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
•    relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
•    relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
•    available time:  how much time you have to resolve the issue.

By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.

Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:

1.    Avoid

Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict.  When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
•    the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
•    you are upset and need to time to cool off
•    there are more important issues to deal with
•    you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
•    you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.

However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.

2.    Accommodate

Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party.  Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time.  The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
•     an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
•    you realize you are wrong
•    the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
•    harmony in the relationship is extremely important.

The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful.  Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.

3.    Compromise

When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions.  However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can.  Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
•    people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
•    you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
•    the goals are moderately important.

However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details.  Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues.  The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.

4.    Collaborate

Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues.  The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns.  Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
•     the parties trust each other
•    it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
•    the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
•    the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.

The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy.  If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.

5.    Compete

Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken.  It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win.  Compete is appropriate when
•    you know you are right
•    time is short and a quick decision is needed
•    you need to stand up for your rights.

However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.

How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style.  Where has it worked for you?  Where did it let you down?  What were the consequences?

Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation.  The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.

In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict.  This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.

By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.

With these principles in mind, you are now ready for action. For more information, here is how  to prepare for a conflict meeting and conduct a conflict negotiation.

Article by,

© Astrid Baumgardner 2012

 

Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success.  In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and  Personal Branding and Networking.  She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

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Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
How Smart People Handle Difficult People

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Travis Bradberry

Award-winning co-author of the best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart — a consultancy that serves more than 75 percent of Fortune 500 companies and is a leading provider of emotional intelligence tests, training and certification.

His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and the Harvard Business Review.

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

About the Author

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry.

4 Easy Steps to Deal with Difficult People

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By

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

It seemed like a simple task. Please switch my gym membership from gold to silver level. I’m not cancelling, just switching.

That was now the third time I repeated my request, each time a little more calmly and a little more slowly, despite the beginnings of blood boiling feelings.

The person on the other end of the phone could not have been ruder. It was as if I was asking for a kidney instead of a membership change. A harsh tone and harsher words ensued. Why, I still have no idea.

You have undoubtedly met them. You have maybe been one, once or twice.

Why are some people continually difficult to deal with? What makes Joe easy to get along with and John such a struggle? Here are the major reasons and what can be done about it.

1. We feel triggered when our needs aren’t met.

We love it when we are acknowledged. We may not be crazy about when we are criticized, but it beats Option #3: being ignored.

Being ignored is a terrible feeling for humans and one that we avoid like the plague. When this occurs, some people revert to “problem child” mode. These are the set of behavioral responses that are so ingrained that it is a reflexive series of actions. It is the default mode.

When you find yourself in such a situation, ask the big question: What is my positive intention here? What am I trying to accomplish? (Or: What is the other person trying to accomplish?)

If you can leave enough of the heated emotions aside, clearing enough space for some patience and I dare say, compassion, the root cause of the behavior often becomes crystal clear.

What are you trying to accomplish? Great. Let’s find a way of getting what you want in a healthy fashion…

2. Fear can lead to confrontation.

If we could somehow, some way reduce fear, 99% of the world’s problems would be resolved. Fear causes more complications and melodramatic dilemmas than all other emotions combined.

Fear is typically at the root when dealing with difficult people. They want something and fear it is either not being heard and will never be heard, or they are not deserving of having their voices heard in the first place.

Are these true? Probably not. They are stories we tell ourselves and believe as fact. Spoken enough, cycled enough in our heads, we proceed to “know them as truth” and act based upon these fictional anecdotes. Our bodies react with—you guessed it—fear.

Fear is a root emotion that originates from the kidney energy. The kidney energy is the source of all energy. Knowingly or unknowingly, we try to protect this at all times. Fear is the prime, albeit most ineffective method. How ironic!

Steering the person away from this base emotion is the key here. By choosing your words carefully and speaking them kindly, you can help divert a person from fear into the more advantageous and effective emotions. Once this occurs, the rest is easy.

3. A feeling of powerlessness can make people combative.

One of the most misquoted and misunderstood martial arts is the popular art of Aikido. Most people state that in Aikido, one is using the attacker’s energy against them. Morihei Ueshiba Sensei, founder of Aikido stated something much differently. He said, “We use our opponents’ energy to protect them…”

When there is a feeling of powerlessness—real or imagined—there is a tendency to go on the attack, so to speak. If one engages, things begin to escalate. That feeling of lacking personal power is the underlying reason. “I have no power so I must go on the offensive to protect myself, to regain lost power.”

We cannot take power from anyone without their consent. When we recognize this and remind the other person with compassion, we’re better able to defuse hostility. The more we acknowledge personal power, the less conflict arises.

4. We argue because we don’t want to “lose.”

The late self-improvement master Alexander Everett used to set up situations in schools that were based on cooperation, not competition. For example, track events were not Person A running against Person B; rather, they were about whether or not the team had an improved (total) time this month versus last month.

If they improved in April compared to March, the team was considered victorious.

When a conversation (or argument) is set up whereby there is the illusion of a  “winner” and a “loser,” conflict is bound to continue. Ill feelings are the “award” and nothing productive is accomplished.

How can the situation be set up so that both people receive what they desire? Note that this is much different than compromise. Compromise is a situation where a third option is agreed upon and neither party is happy with it.

At the end of the day, people are people. There are no truly difficult people, only those who have unrefined communication skills. Given the opportunity, everyone eventually finds their pure voice.

Profile photo of David Orman

About David Orman

David Orman is the creator of the country’s foremost anti-aging formula, Hgh Plus found at www.hghplus.net. He is also the author of the blog DocWellness.wordpress.com.

Tips and Tricks for Dealing with Difficult People

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Learn to Play Nice

I think it’s safe to say that all of us, at one time or another, have had to deal with a difficult person at work. But the good news is, you do not have to let them get the better of you! Below are proven tactics that can help you get past a co-worker’s difficult behavior.

From Know-It-Alls to Hecklers

Everyone has met these people. You may not have taken the time to categorize them, but difficult people generally fall into the following categories according to a Huffington Post article:

  • Talk hogs – dominate the discussion, either in a positive or negative way
  • Know-it-alls – chime in whenever, about whatever, no matter what is being discussed
  • Resenters – use dismissive hostility to make it known they would rather be anywhere else but at work
  • Hecklers – use off-putting remarks, backhanded compliments, and tasteless jokes
  • Gripers – constant complainers, always pointing out the negative side

No matter what kind of difficult behavior these people subscribe to, the air can be sucked right out of the room, and productivity screeches to a halt. It’s been said before and it will be said again, the only person you can truly control is you, so don’t let Debbie Downer or Steve the Bully get to you!

Don’t Let Them Push Your Buttons

There are four tactics to utilize to keep difficult people from getting a rise out of you:

  1. Keep emotion in check; stick to the facts of the situation, calmly state what you know, and what you can do to help
  2. Consider an alternative; in some cases it’s better to remove yourself from the situation (especially if the person just rubs you the wrong way and there is no way of getting past it) or engage a third party as an intermediary
  3. Don’t personalize it; when others are being difficult, sometimes the easiest course is to take it personally. Don’t; because it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you
  4. Collect yourself; for example, if you are conversing with a difficult person on the phone, pause and take a deep breath before responding, sometimes that moment makes all the difference in the world

Not matter what technique you may engage to deal with a difficult person, the situation may not be able to be diffused. In this case remember, only address the unwanted behavior, and not the person. No one benefits when it crosses the line and becomes personal.

I recently encountered a know-it-all when I was presenting to a group of about 35 individuals. She constantly interrupted and tried to correct me. It could have really rattled me, but I did not personalize it. I found out later that she does this to compensate for her own lack of self-esteem. I didn’t realize this until I personally witnessed her crying in front of another presenter. It took me back – I realized then that she was not the person who I thought she was.

Safety First, My Friends

Difficult can cross to scary before you know it, so be mindful of workplace safety for yourself and others. Remember the following:

  • Ask for help from others
  • Don’t get cornered
  • Avoid being alone with a difficult person
  • Try not to turn your back on a difficult person
  • Don’t take it personally

 

Article by, 

Dealing with difficult people: A guide

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British Prime Minister Tony Blair (L) shakes hands with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder at the Gleneagles Hotel for the G8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland July 7, 2005. Aid, debt relief and climate change will top the agenda when leaders of the G8 - the Group of Seven industrialised nations plus Russia - meet for three days in Gleneagles. UNICS REUTERS/Jim Young CRB - RTRGQCN

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They set limits. Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They stay aware of their emotions. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They don’t focus on problems—only solutions. Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They don’t forget. Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

They get some sleep. I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Article by,

Travis Bradberry, President, TalentSmart

6 Tips For Dealing With Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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1. I Am Really Ticked Off. Do I Have To Be Forgiving?

The last two years I’ve had several difficult personal and professional problems, which left me feeling mad, victimized and obsessed with a few people’s General Awfulness.

This is what Hell feels like: to be obsessed with a generally awful person who isn’t even aware of the turmoil he or she is causing. Heaven is to have forgiven — or to have forgiven-ish, the best you can, for now. When your heart is even slightly softer toward that person, and you are less clenched and aggrieved, you’ve been touched by grace.

Grace is spiritual WD-40. It eases our way out of grippy, self-righteous stuckness. The question is, how do we avail ourselves of it?

I’ve learned that if you want to have loving feelings, do loving things. We think we’ll eventually figure something out, and get over the grudge, and that this will constitute forgiveness. But it’s the opposite: We take an action and the insight follows. Any friendly action will do; intention is everything. We show up somewhere knowing the person who aggrieved us will be there, and we go up and say hi. If the person is a relative, we ask for help with the dishes. (This is very subversive.)

Any warm action will yield the insight — life is short, and Earth is Forgiveness School.

All of my resentments have been healed. That doesn’t mean I want to have lunch with those people, but my heart has softened, which is a miracle. One person still judges me, and bears false witness against me, but thankfully, that is not my business or my problem, because I have chosen freedom. Nothing is more wonderful.

Anne Lamott is the author of Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair.

2. What’s A Respectful Way To Defend My Beliefs?

When I became a political commentator, I looked for a refresher course in persuasion. Unfortunately, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs, had not yet been published. (I highly recommend it.) I did stumble across the Monty Python “Argument” sketch (“This isn’t an argument.” “Yes it is.” “No it isn’t.” “Yes it is.”), which sounds a lot like our current political discourse.

I approach every argument as if I’m trying to get out of a speeding ticket: with humor and respect. I listen. And when things get tense, I pretend I’m in a restaurant, debating what to order. Public policy isn’t coleslaw versus French fries, but persuasion starts with respecting that there are many valid choices. Another trick? Slow down. Powerful speech can come in at around 120 words per minute—angry or nervous speech can be about twice that. When all else fails, make a joke. There’s no better tool for reaching across the “I’ll.” Yes, I just said that. A little pun, even a bad one, goes a long way.

Donna Brazile is a syndicated columnist, political strategist, and contributor to CNN and ABC News.

3. What’s Code For “Mind Your Own Business?”

Dorothea Johnson is the founder of The Protocol School of Washington, and actress Liv Tyler is her granddaughter. They are the authors of Modern Manners: Tools to Take You to the Top.

Liv: Say, “Thank you for trying to help, but I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.” Often you can shut someone down by mentioning your feelings.

Dorothea: Offering thanks is diplomatic. Kill ‘em with kindness!

Liv: Even if something really offends you, ask yourself whether it contains some truth worth exploring later.

Dorothea: And don’t get argumentative about unsolicited advice. Take the high road. The low road is so crowded.

4. How Can Friends Stay Friendly?

Pals Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus have coauthored eight books; the most recent is The First Affair.

Emma: Going back to grade school, girls find comfort in friends who have the same tastes they do. Any difference can provoke anxiety. Some of our greatest tension has been about whether a character’s curtains should be cream or ecru!

Nicola: We’re with Ben Affleck: Like a marriage, friendship takes work — the same honest communication and frequent check-ins you need with a partner. Celebrate your conflicting opinions. They only make the relationship stronger.

5. Can I Maintain Sanity In My Nutty Office?

Even in toxic environment we can achieve a sense of calm, through meditation. No one has to know what you’re up to. Spend five minutes sitting at your desk, with your back straight but relaxed; try not to look directly at your computer. Breathe at your normal pace and frequency, then sharpen your focus by noticing the sensations in your nostrils, chest, abdomen. You’ll feel more balanced with each breath. And the next time a coworker frustrates you, be grateful that her nastiness comes your way only in two-minute bursts; she has to live inside that energy all the time.

Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg is the author of Real Happiness at Work.

6. Why Should I Hang Out with People Who Think Differently Than I Do?

Cultivating contacts outside your social circle brings a little ordered chaos into your life. Most of us find the idea of chaos stressful, but history suggests that the disorder following upheaval often brings unexpected benefits: The Plague, for example, helped usher in the Renaissance. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for catastrophe to strike; just form relationships with all kinds of individuals. I call them “unusual suspects,” because they’ll naturally push your thinking in new directions. Ask yourself which groups have made you a bit uncomfortable in the past, and try reaching out to them. (I’m from Israel, and one of my unusual suspects runs a church.) Make a point of getting together with your new connections with no agenda. Even if you just chat, you’ve created an opportunity for ideas to be born.

Article by, Ori Brafman

Ori Brafman is the coauthor of The Chaos Imperative: How Chance and Disruption Increase Innovation, Effectiveness, and Success.

How To Deal With Difficult People

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Article by, Darylen Cote

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Whiners, Know-It-Alls, and Steamrollers: Strategies to cope with even the most hard-to-take personalities.

We’ve all been there. There are just some people we can’t stand! Perhaps it’s the Whiner whose complaining drives you to distraction. Or it may be the Steamroller who makes you crazy—the person who pushes her ideas and never lets others get a word. People like this can make your PTO leadership experience seem endless and stressful, even blocking achievement of some of your most critical goals.

Every person has his own triggers when it comes to dealing with difficult people. Those triggers stem from your background, perspectives, and from your goals in the situation at hand. But there is good news. There are ways to deal with even the most difficult people that can bring out both their best and your best.

The first step, described by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner in their book Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, is to get to know your difficult person—to know what needs that person may be trying to fulfill that cause the problematic behavior. Successful leaders listen carefully to figure out the underlying motives.

Generally, people in any given situation are task oriented or people oriented. Their concerns center on one of four goals: getting the task done, getting the task done right, getting along with people, or being appreciated by people. When they perceive that their concern is threatened—the task is not getting done, it is being done incorrectly, people are becoming angry in the process, or they feel unappreciated for their contributions—difficult people resort to certain knee-jerk responses. Responses range from the passive, such as withdrawal, to aggressive, such as steamrolling or exploding. The difficult person often does not recognize that his behavior contributes to the very problems that he is attempting to address.

Brinkman and Kirschner identify 10 different behavior patterns often exhibited by people under pressure.

  • The Steamroller (or Tank): Aggressive and angry. Victims can feel paralyzed, as though they’ve been flattened.
  • The Sniper: The Sniper’s forte is sarcasm, rude remarks, and eye rolls. Victims look and feel foolish.
  • The Know-It-All: Wielding great authority and knowledge, Know-It-Alls do have lots to offer, are generally competent, and can’t stand to be contradicted or corrected. But they will go out of their way to correct you.
  • The Grenade: Grenades tend to explode into uncontrolled ranting that has little, if anything, to do with what has actually happened.
  • The Think They Know It All: A cocksure attitude often fools people into believing their phony “facts.”
  • The Yes Person: Someone who wants to please others so much that she never says no.
  • The Maybe Person: Procrastinating, hoping to steer clear of choices that will hurt feelings, he avoids decisions, causing plenty of frustration along the way.
  • The Blank Wall (or Nothing Person): This person offers only a blank stare, no verbal or nonverbal signals.
  • The No Person: He spreads gloom, doom, and despair whenever any new ideas arise, or even when old ones are recycled. The No Person saps energy from a group in an amazingly short time.
  • The Whiner: Whiners feel helpless most of the time and become overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. They want things to be perfect, but nothing seems to go right. Whiners want to share their misery.

Just Get It Done!

Chances are you have had to deal with at least a few of these characters. These are not odd or weird people. They may even be you upon occasion. Everyone has the potential to be difficult given the right, or wrong, circumstances. To understand why, return to the concept of a basic orientation toward people or task. Couple that with the typical ways people respond under pressure, on a continuum from aggressive to assertive to passive. Then add in the goals people have under different circumstances.

According to Brinkman and Kirschner, when the goal is to “get it done,” people with a task orientation and aggressive temperament tend to dig in and become more controlling. They are the Snipers, the Steamrollers, and the Know-It-Alls. From their point of view, the rest of us are goofing off, obtuse, or just plain taking too long. The Steamroller can run over you if you get in the way. The Sniper often uses sarcasm to embarrass and humiliate at strategic moments. The Know-It-All dominates with erudite, lengthy arguments that discredit others and wear down opponents.

When the goal is to “get it right,” people under pressure who still have a task orientation but a more passive personality become helpless, hopeless, and/or perfectionistic. They become the Whiners, No People, and Blank Walls. When Whiners are thwarted, they begin to feel helpless and generalize to the entire world. Instead of looking for solutions, they complain endlessly that nothing is right, exacerbating the situation by annoying everyone around them.

No People feel more hopeless than helpless. Like A.A. Milne’s Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, their sense of gloom carries its own cloud. Their certainty that things can never be right can pull down morale for an entire group. Blank Walls simply withdraw. They will bear no responsibility when things aren’t exactly right.

Drive To Survive

People who want to “get along” tend to focus more on the people in a situation. When they are innately passive, they become approval-seeking Yes People, Maybe People, and sometimes Blank Walls. Yes People overcommit and underdeliver in an effort to please everyone. Their lack of follow-through can have disastrous consequences for which they do not feel responsible, because they are just trying to be helpful. When, instead, the people they want to get along with become furious, they may offer to do even more, building their lives on what other people want and also building a deep well of resentment.

Maybe People avoid conflict by avoiding any choice at all. Making a choice may upset someone, and then blame will be heaped on the person who decided. Maybe People delay choosing until the choice is made for them by someone else or by the circumstances. When Blank Walls have a people orientation, they want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. The old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” gets carried to the ultimate extreme in this case. But Blank Walls also avoid sharing anything genuine or honest about themselves and therefore never really achieve the “getting along” goal.

Like To Be Liked

To “get appreciated” is the ultimate goal of people-focused, more aggressive folks. They include the Grenade, the Think They Know It All, and sometimes the Sniper. They share attention-seeking behaviors that never accomplish what they intend. The Grenades are aggressive Rodney Dangerfields; they think they get no respect or appreciation. When that feeling builds to a certain point, they have an adult temper tantrum. It’s not pretty and it certainly gets attention, but blowing up never gets them to the ultimate goal of appreciation.

The Think They Know It All person knows a little bit about a lot. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic that his half-facts and exaggerations can sound plausible and persuasive. When people discover that these people really don’t know what they are talking about, the attention they seek becomes negative.

The Sniper in this case is attempting to gain attention by being playful. Many people engage in playful sniping, but we all need to be careful about how it is being received. Whether it is funny or painful is truly in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes this kind of sniping is passed off as teasing, which can leave scars even when it’s friendly.

Looking in the Mirror

So what can you do to change the course of your interactions with these difficult people? There are some simple strategies that work well with practice and patience.

In general, when your difficult person speaks, make your goal habit number five in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand.” Often, unless you’re dealing with the Grenade or other overt hostility, it helps to mirror some of the nonverbal cues the person displays. Don’t overdo, as it can look like mocking if you copy every gesture. Your aim, according to Brinkman and Kirschner, is “blending.” If you adopt some of the same traits as your person, such as a facial expression or posture, you send the message that you are “with” them, on the same wave length. Blending begins to facilitate trust. Often we do this kind of thing without even noticing that it’s happening. You also need to blend vocally with the person you’re trying to understand. Volume and pace are two examples of how to blend with another person. Blending is how you begin to build rapport with people and signal that you are really listening. The only exception is yelling.

Also, some of what the person says needs to be repeated in a technique that counselors call “reflection.” This is a way of feeding back what you’ve heard, on both feeling and content levels, so that a person is sure that you’ve heard him. With no interpretation and without parroting exactly, use some of his actual words to demonstrate your understanding. How much to do it depends on the person you’re dealing with. With Steamrollers, keep reflection to a minimum. With Know-It-Alls, Yes People, and Maybe People, a great deal of reflection may be useful. This is especially true on the feeling level with Yes and Maybe People.

Get to the Real Issues

Next, ask clarifying questions to help your difficult person open up and to ensure that you fully understand all she has to say. The kinds of questions you want are open-ended, those to which there is more than a yes or no answer. They begin with what, how, where, who, when, and sometimes why—without an accusatory tone. A simple “Tell me more about…” can also serve the same purpose.

The importance of this information-gathering stage cannot be overstated. It keeps you out of a reactionary mode and helps you bring all of the issues to the surface. At the same time, it shows that you really care about what the person has to say. It can also begin to defuse emotions and help the person think more logically.

Finally, still in a “seek to understand” mode, summarize what you have heard and confirm your understanding. Do not assume you “got it.” Ask, “Did I get it right?” If not, keep listening until the person is satisfied that you understand.

The next step in the process has to do with attitude. Search for and acknowledge that the other person’s intentions are positive. This means giving the person you are dealing with the benefit of the doubt. Brinkman and Kirschner advise, “Ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind a person’s communication or behavior and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up. Even if the intent you try to blend with isn’t true, you can still get a good response and create rapport.”

Some Specific Responses

Consider this example.

“One of the duties of the vice president is to choose which six members go to the PTO Show this year,” Jerry reminded Jennifer again. “You have only two weeks before the deadline. Do you have any idea whom you want to go?”

“Not yet,” said Jennifer. “I want to be sure I make the right decision.”

“People need to make their plans, and we need to commit the money. The sooner you make a decision, the better for everyone,” prodded Jerry.

“OK. I’ll get to it,” promised Jennifer.

The next week, when Jerry inquired again, Jennifer said, “I’m still thinking about it!”

Jennifer is a Maybe Person. She will delay her decision until there is almost no decision to make because the deadline has passed or people can no longer rearrange their schedules with the short notice. Jerry might say to Jennifer, “I appreciate the care you are taking with this decision, Jennifer. I know you don’t want to leave out anyone who would like to go or who deserves this special reward. Who have you considered?” Simply stating understanding of Jennifer’s positive intention may unlock her indecision enough to move forward.

The next step to take when conflict emerges is to go beyond people’s stated positions to identify underlying interests or objectives. Brinkman and Kirschner call these “highly valued criteria.” They are the “reasons why” people desire specific outcomes.

Here’s another example:

Susan had agreed to chair the annual PTO carnival. The second planning meeting was underway when Marge, the vice president of the group and also the immediate past chairperson, barged into the room and started to berate Susan. “I heard that you’re eliminating the dunking booth! What a dumb decision. Don’t you have any brains at all? I thought you’d do a good job and now you’re making decisions that will ruin our carnival! Now here’s what you have to do…” And with that she barked orders while everyone else on the committee stared in disbelief. As quickly as she had come, she turned around and left.

Marge typifies the aggressive, angry style of the Tank or Steamroller. Once Susan gets her calmed down, it would be important to ask, “Why the dunking booth?” If she replies that the day invariably is hot and people enjoy the splashing and cooling effect of the water, then you have her underlying interest on the table. Another water game might satisfy that interest just as well, but you do need to slow the Steamroller down before you can get to the whys.

Say What You Mean

Stephen Covey’s habit number five also has a second part. Part one, “Seek first to understand …,” is followed by part two, “…then to be understood.” Once you have put in the time and hard work of deep listening, the goal is to speak so that you may in turn be understood. But watch your tone of voice. The old saying applies: It’s not just what you say but also how you say it.

The next step is to state your positive intentions: “I care that people at the carnival have a chance to cool off, too. I want to make it a fun and safe day.” When the Steamroller starts to interrupt again, tactfully intervene. Repeating someone’s name over and over until she stops to listen can accomplish that end. So Susan might say, “Marge. Marge. Excuse me, Marge.” Once the person has paused, you can insert your positive intent or a clarifying question, for instance. Then speak about the situation as you honestly see it. Use “I” statements, be as specific as possible, point out the impact of the behavior, and suggest a new behavior or option.

So Susan might say, “Marge, I appreciate your input. I know you want the carnival to go well, the same as I do. We replaced the dunking booth with another feature for a good reason. When you try to override our decisions without asking why, it sure makes the rest of us feel like our work isn’t worth much. Would you sit down and discuss our plans with us?” Marge may try to raise the volume and continue to steamroll, at which point Susan would need to start repeating her name again until she stops. Once Susan gets her piece said, she will need to be ready to stop and listen again.

When you have a Blank Wall, the person who chooses the ultimate passive response instead of an aggressive response, your tactics need to be a little different. First, even though you may not feel particularly relaxed, calm yourself. It will not help to push, so plan plenty of time. Ask the open-ended questions with an expectant tone and body language. Try to lighten things up with absurd guesses as to the cause of the silence. Be careful with humor, but if you can get at least a smile, it’s a beginning.

Make It a Habit

Difficult people are really all of us. Depending on the circumstances and our own perspectives, our behaviors can slip-slide into the childish, rude, or even churlish realms. The key is to think first instead of simply reacting when we feel pressured by time or by the competing interests and needs of others.

Thoughtful responses can help people identify their real needs and break negative behavior patterns that don’t serve anyone well. If you make a habit of listening deeply, assuming best intentions, looking for common ground, reinforcing and expecting people’s best behavior along the way, then the difficult people in your life may come to view you as a respected friend—as opposed to one of their most difficult people.

As appeared on ptotoday.com

3 Steps To Managing Workplace Conflict With Emotional Intelligence

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No matter how great a corporate culture you create, no matter how good a role model you are, it’s inevitable that situations will arise that require you to mitigate emotional stress within the ranks. Personal conflicts, outside pressures, and job-related stress will eventually become a factor to be dealt with in any workplace setting. How well leaders handle those situations depends on their emotional intelligence.

Managers often make one of two common mistakes when dealing with an emotional situation.

  • The manager attempts to invalidate or downplay an emotional conflict and becomes a player in the emotional drama himself.
  • The manager simply ignores the job-affecting emotions, hoping they will resolve themselves.

When the manager or group leader tries to downplay or dismiss a worker’s emotions, he or she inevitably creates a bigger problem. Not only does this raise the emotional stakes, but it now creates a situation in which negative emotions are directed at the manager. Though this is very common and, arguably, a natural form of response from busy managers with plenty on their plates, it’s incumbent upon leaders to avoid leaving an employee feeling slighted in this way.

Likewise, ignoring the problem often creates a snowball effect, where resentment and negative emotions continue to grow, making the situation worse. It’s always better to address emotionally-wrought problems earlier rather than later.

There is a three-step formula, however, which comes naturally to emotionally intelligent leaders. It is one that can easily be employed by any manager to take the edge off an emotional situation. This formula does not attempt to solve the problem itself, but is geared toward addressing and neutralizing the emotions so that the problem can then be approached in a more objective and effective manner.

Step 1: Acknowledge

More than anything, people want their feelings to be acknowledged. It may seem overly simple at first, but a statement such as, “I want you to know, I understand you are feeling very stressed right now,” can go miles toward lowering the emotional stakes of a situation. Everyone wants to feel understood, and acknowledgment is not difficult or compromising to do. Further, it doesn’t concede agreement with the emotional state; only empathy.

Step 2: Positively substitute

There is great power in a positive outlook and almost any negative situation can be framed in a positive light. A manager with emotional wisdom may say something like, “I know you are under a lot of stress, and I know a great deal of it is because you are a great employee and want to do the very best job you can.” What the manager has done in this example is to mitigate a negative emotion with the positive emotion of personal pride in a job well done. This doesn’t alleviate the first emotion, but it adds a positive perspective into the conversation.

Step 3: Suggest, re-acknowledge and appreciate

Not all situations are within the control of the manager. An increased workload that has come down from above may not be able to be removed, for example. What the manager can do is suggest ways he or she might be able to help, re-acknowledge the emotions involved and offer appreciation for the employee. “I cannot promise anything, but I will try to see if there is any way to lighten your load. I understand you are feeling stressed and I want you to know I really appreciate your efforts.” By saying this, you have reassured the employee without making binding promises, and reinforced a sense of empathy and appreciation.

Article by, Scott Allen

Scott “Social Media” Allen is a 25-year veteran technology entrepreneur, executive and consultant. He’s coauthor of The Virtual Handshake: Opening Doors and Closing Deals Online, the first book on the business use of social media, and The Emergence of The Relationship Economy.

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By, Deepak Chopra

Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer

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REFUSING FLOWERS

I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!

An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.

Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away

I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

Article by,
Rhonda Scharf Headshot

Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

As appeared in the Huffington Post on December 13, 2016

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by, Tony Schwartz


Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
  2. “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives.

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton saidway back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebookand connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

8 Tips For Dealing With Difficult People

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Like the old Saturday Night Live character, Debbie Downer, some people are only happy when they’re unhappy and bringing down everyone else around them too.

Here are eight tips for dealing with difficult people at work.

1.   Don’t get dragged down—The old saying is “Misery loves company.” The most important thing is to be aware of who the Debbie and David Downers are in your company and to make sure they don’t suck you into their world of negativity.  Keep your guard up!

2.   Listen—It’s tempting to just tune these people out, but this rarely stops them. If anything, they’ll talk and argue more forcefully because they’ll think nobody cares about them. The best thing to do is to use good, normal active listening techniques, as you would for anyone else.

3.   Use a time limit for venting—Remember that there is a difference between being a perpetual pessimist and having an occasional need to vent. Everybody has tough times, and sharing our feelings can make us feel better. Use the “5-minute rule” when it comes to this. Let your colleague vent for five minutes, but after that, assume that he’s entered Downer mode, and proceed with the next steps.

 4.   Don’t agree—It’s tempting to try to appease Debbie Downer to make him or her stop and go away. As the person complains about benefits or the boss or whatever, you might be inclined to give a little nod of your head or a quiet “yeah” or shrug a “what can we do?” Even though these responses seem harmless, they just throw fuel on the flames.

5.   Don’t stay silent—If you are clearly listening but say nothing, Debbie Downer will interpret your silence as agreement. Worse, if others are present, they too will assume that you agree. Whether the complaint is about the boss or the benefits or the client, silence means you agree with the complainer.

6.   Do switch extremes into facts—Negative people often speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews. They talk about “never” and “always.” Your first goal is to switch them to fact-based statements.

Negative Ned: Andy is such a slacker! He’s never on time for our morning meetings. How are we supposed to hit our deadlines when he’s never here?

      You: Ned, you’re clearly frustrated. I seem to remember that Andy was on time at our meetings on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week. He was late on Thursday and Friday. So you mean he’s late frequently, not always; right?

7.   Move to problem solving—People who whine a lot often feel powerless and believe that the situation is hopeless. Your only chance of ending their negativity is to help them to move into a problem solving mode. This doesn’t always work, but it’s the only antidote known.

8.   Cut them off—If, after all your efforts, you deem these people to be hopelessly negative, you need to cut them off. Make sure they aren’t just venting for a few minutes, make sure you weren’t previously encouraging them, make sure they can’t switch to problem solving, and then politely shut them down.

      You: Can we change the subject? You’re really bumming me out. If you want to vent for a couple minutes, fine. If you want me to help you solve the problem, fine. But life is too short to wallow. Let’s move on to something else, OK?

Creating a great workplace culture should be everyone’s job. Don’t let Debbie and David Downer harm your company or your own level of engagement at work.

________

The above article is an excerpt from Employee Engagement for Everyone: The 4 Keys to Happiness & Engagement at Work by NY Times bestselling author Kevin Kruse.

 

Kevin Kruse Bio

How To Spot A Toxic Boss Before You Take The Job

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Our friend Yvonne quit her new job after six months. “I should have known my ex-boss was a psycho control freak,” she said.

“Were there signs of his tendencies during the interview process?” we asked.

“There was one sign, a huge one,” said Yvonne. “I can’t believe I missed it. He basically came right out and told me what it was going to be like working for him. I took the job anyway. I talked myself into it. I said, ‘I can make this work.’”

Of course we wanted to hear about the big sign that Yvonne missed during the interview process.

“My boss walked me out of the building to my car after my second interview,” said Yvonne. “When we got to my car he said, ‘You’re an average writer and a so-so editor, and I can make you much better at both writing and editing.’”

 “Whoa!” we exclaimed. “That’s what he said?”

“Yes, and I should have said ‘Gee, I’d hate for you to be stuck with someone who falls so far short of your requirements,’” said Yvonne. “I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything. I got in my car and I went home.”

“People do tend to broadcast their baggage,” we said. “Don’t feel bad, Yvonne. It’s easy to miss those signs when you’re thinking ‘If I get this job I can pay off my credit cards!’”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking when I took the job,” said Yvonne.

If you can check in frequently with your body during your interview process, you won’t be as likely to take a job working for someone who is going to crush your mojo and leave you battered, mojo-depleted and doubting your own abilities.

You can say, “No thanks!” to a toxic manager and keep your job search going, but only if you tell your fearful brain to pipe down and listen to your body, instead.

That takes some effort. For starters, you have to process every interview in your head and on paper. You have to talk through your interviews with a friend — in the best case, a cynical friend who will stop you and say, “The manager said what?”

You have to think through every job interview and every other interaction you have with your possible next boss, because in your excitement about being in contention for a job offer, you can lose your bearings.

You have to be on guard or you are likely to fall into the Vortex. The Vortex is the whirling place we fall into when a company is obviously interested in us. We are excited to have a real, live job opportunity in front of us. Our judgment can fly out the window.

We’re flattered that they like us, even if we’re not sure if we like them!

Plenty of people, me included, have accepted job offers because we were so happy to get a job offer.

We forgot about our own needs. We fell  into the Vortex!

Watch for these 10 warning signs that your possible new boss will make your life a living hell if you sign up to work for him or her:

1. Your hiring manager spends a lot of your interview time together talking about himself or herself. Maybe you’re a great listener. Is that what the boss is looking for — someone who will patiently listen to him or her pontificate? If so, watch out!

2. Your hiring manager asks you detailed questions about how you accomplished tasks and projects at your past jobs, but shows no curiosity about you as a person. He or she couldn’t care less where you grew up, how you chose your career path or what your goals are. That’s a red flag!

photo by Liz Ryan

3. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to try to suck free consulting advice out of you. Once you get home from the interview, he or she has more demands — to write a free marketing plan, for instance. If the manager does this while you’re interviewing for the job, don’t expect things to get better once you have the job.

4. Your hiring manager tells you what’s wrong with you before even hiring you, the way Yvonne’s manager did.

5. Your hiring manager talks about employees he or she has fired in the past. That’s a terrible sign. Run away from a job opportunity where the boss regales you with tales of the terrible former employees he or she has had to put up with. You will hate the job if you get it.

6. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to fill you in on the corporate political scene. Our client Miranda met with her hiring manager after hours, when everyone in the office had gone home. Her prospective new boss asked her “Can you get me promoted to Director level within one year?” She said “I really couldn’t say”  and didn’t come back for a second interview when invited to.7. Your hiring manager spends half of your interview time talking about her problems with her boss. You want to say, “If I’m here to give you a counseling session, you’ll have to write me a check!” but you bite your lip and draw a big red X through this job opportunity in your mind. Life is too short to work for fearful weenies.

8. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to tell you how smart or accomplished he or she is. That’s a sure sign of insecurity. When people show you who they are, believe them!

9. Your hiring manager quizzes you about insignificant details in your resume instead of talking about the work you’d be doing in the new job. Gradually over the course of your interview it hits you that this person doesn’t know how to construct an intelligent question about your background, so they devolve into asking nit-picky questions, instead. Don’t take a job working for a person with no vision!

10. Your hiring manager reminds you over and over how many awesome people applied for this job and how lucky you are to have received an interview. Run away from a person like this. They are mired in fear and are checking in to make sure you are exactly the obedient, grateful, passive and docile sheep they are looking for!

The first time you say, “No thanks!” to a job interview, your fearful brain will beat you up for three to five days afterward. You’ll go back and forth in your mind: “Should I have told those people no? I still need a job. Maybe that was a bad decision.”

It wasn’t a bad decision. Your body is your best guide. Our species has been evolving for eons. Your gut knows which people are healthy for you and which people aren’t.

The relationship between you and your boss is a critical one not only for your career’s sake, but for your health as well. Choose your next boss wisely!

 

 Article by Liz Ryan ,
Bio: I was a Fortune 500 HR SVP for ten million years, but I was an opera singer before I ever heard the term HR. The higher I got in the corporate world, the more operatic the action became. I started writing about the workplace for the Chicago Sun-Times in 1997, but it took me ages to find my own voice. Now I write for the Huffington Post, Business Week, LinkedIn, the Harvard Business Review, the Denver Post and Forbes.com and lead the worldwide Human Workplace movement to reinvent work for people. Stop by and join us: http://www.humanworkplace.com

Working with Difficult People

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Who is the most difficult person you work with? Does it feel to you like they spend each evening plotting and planning on how to ruin the next day for you? Does it drain your energy just thinking about this person? You’re not alone. It seems that every one of us has a ‘difficult to deal with’ person in our life. They take a lot of energy just to ignore, and many of us wish they would just go away. If you can identify with this scenario, finish the rest of this sentence: “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…”

What is you ‘if’?

Now go back and look at what you wrote. Is your answer dependant on them doing something to change? Why do you think they would be willing to change to make your life easier? You’re right, they won’t. So how are we going to be more effective when working with this person? There are three things that you can change.

1-      The System. Perhaps this person is difficult because they are a ‘stick to the rules’ kind of person and you aren’t. It can be very frustrating to you and that this person is so stuck on the system you don’t agree with. If you could just change the system it would make your life a lot easier, don’t you think? Of course, changing the system is an extremely time intensive proposition with no guarantee of any success. There are people, like Erin Brockovich for example, who are able to change the system but most people decide that the effort does not equal the payoff. If this is your situation, you may choose to avoid trying to change the system. I’m not saying that it won’t work – I am saying that it will take a lot of your time and efforts before you see any dividends. It may be easier to take another approach with your difficult person.

2-      The Other Person. You’ve probably heard the old cliché, “If you plan on changing your spouse when you get married, it makes for a very interesting first marriage.” It’s not so easy to change the other person because there is no incentive for them to change. Why should they? What they are doing is currently working just fine, isn’t it? Consider a co-worker that listens to his music at a very loud volume. He likes I that loud, it helps him drown out all the other noise in the office. You despise the type of music he listens to, and it is far too loud for you to concentrate. You’ve asked your co-worker to turn it down every day for the past three months and it has now escalated into an all-out war between the two of you. You are trying to get your difficult person to see that his music is too loud and you cannot concentrate. You are trying to change his perspective on the volume. Why should he turn it down? He likes it just the way it is. Trying to change the other person is often like hitting your head against a brick wall; it just doesn’t work very well. There is no incentive for the other person to take your perspective.

3-      You. Of course, you do have one hundred percent control of what you do. You could try to change your perspective on the situation. Let’s assume that your difficult person is Mary, and Mary loves to complain about the company you work for. She says things like, “they don’t appreciate us”, “I’m doing all the work around here and never get any recognition”, and “this is an old boys club and women will never get in senior management positions”. Basic whining and moaning, all the time, day in and day out. At first, you agreed with some of the things she said, and occasionally got pulled into the negativity yourself. After a while you realized how destructive this was to your attitude and you tried to convince Mary that she was wrong. This, of course, just intensified the situation and the negativity seemed to get worse. You’ve probably moved into the same ‘zone’ that many of us do when confronted with Mary – saying “You’re right, this is a terrible place to work”, hoping that your agreement will make her go away faster.

Did it work? Not really. What Mary wants is attention and acknowledgment. You are giving her both of those things. We need to change what we are doing to get a different result.

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got”

You’ve heard that before, and it is completely true. If we want to change the way Mary is acting, we need to change what we are doing, and not give her what she wants. People are difficult because they are getting something out of the deal. They may be getting attention, agreement or even success because of it (think of aggressive drivers). If we want them to do something different (remember the opening question?) then we need to DO something different.

The next time Mary says “I hate this company”, don’t argue with her or agree with her, give her what she doesn’t want (agreement, attention, etc.) and say something like “I LOVE working her!” Don’t worry about if you agree with what you are saying or not, give her something other than what she wants. She wants to complain. She wants to be negative. Don’t give her what she wants.

This will work! Sometimes a lot of work too, especially if you happen to be in a negative mood that day and agree with her. Don’t give into the temptation. Be 100% consistent in this approach. For two weeks this will be very difficult for you. I promise that if you are consistent and not give Mary what she wants, then she will change her behaviour.

The next time you are asked the question “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…” the right answer lies within you. You can change what is happening with that person. It takes time, effort, persistence and patience.

The result is worth the effort!

The upside to workplace conflict (by Victor Lipman)

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Two serious business womenWhile most people dislike and avoid conflict at work, it can also have tangible benefits. I was thinking about this subject lately, as I was being interviewed about “Managing Conflict at Work” for the Matt Townsend radio program – and I was consistently pushing toward the negative in our conversation, as he was consistently pushing toward the positive.

The discussion made me view workplace conflict in a slightly different light, and the more I began to consider it, the more I began to see certain beneficial aspects.

As most everyone who has worked knows, it’s a fertile breeding ground for conflict. Compensation, recognition, feelings of personal worth, team dynamics… all of these (and conservatively about a thousand more) are subjects that easily yield conflict. As a manager, I often used to feel: Conflict is the currency of management.

Though conflict is usually at least temporarily unpleasant, it’s by no means all bad; in fact it can also be the pathway to something better. In that spirit, here are four tangible upsides:

You learn not to be a conflict avoider – As a manager, this is a critical skill. There’s so darn much conflict, you can’t do your job effectively without confronting it directly. And there’s a useful carryover to life outside management. How many personal relationships founder on conflict that is unexpressed, ignored or outright destructive? Learning not to avoid conflict but to manage it constructively pays generous dividends – well beyond the business environment.

Dirty laundry gets aired and (at least sometimes) clean – Conflict among individuals and teams force contentious issues into the light of day. Rather than festering below the surface, where subtle grievances and badwill undermine both personal performance and group dynamics, conflict that is openly aired has at least a (fighting) chance of being resolved. Generally a better outcome for all parties than lingering resentment

It can spur innovation – Constructive resolutions of workplace conflict can become a pathway to improvement. A study I recently came across, conducted in 2008 by the organizational development firm CPP, concluded that “increased innovation and higher performance” can be a substantive benefit. This is not completely surprising, as open workplace conflict produces bursts of activity, and increased activity can yield innovative results.

Worst enemies can end up best friends (or at least colleagues who speak to each other) – The best way I can illustrate this is anecdotally. As a manager, I developed what I thought was a reasonably creative tactic: When personal conflicts between two individuals on my teams became too intense, I gave the two of them free lunch passes and forced them to have lunch together. No one else could be present, so all they could do was talk, face to face, and (hopefully) communicate. How did this work out? I only did it a few times (I came upon the idea in the latter stages of my management career), but the results were generally positive. In these situations conflicts were diminished, and the employees involved became civil colleagues if not exactly “bffs.”

Net-net, this is naturally not meant to conclude workplace conflict is mostly positive. It would be naïve not to acknowledge that it’s painful, destructive, disruptive and costly to individuals and organizations. But if we view conflict as an inevitable element of human interaction at work, and we attempt to constructively manage it rather than avoid or eliminate it, that’s a first step to making its considerable energy work for us rather than against us.

You can follow Victor on Twitter for management-related news, tips and articles.

 

What is Workplace Bullying And How Does it Affect People?

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Workplace bullying is like bullying on the playground except that it occurs in the workplace.

It usually involves verbal comments and incidents that are intended to hurt, harass, isolate, intimidate, or humiliate a person. It is not new but has become what some have called a silent epidemic because it is happening frequently but isn’t always reported.

It is estimated that as many as one in every six workers is bullied at work and it occurs more frequently than sexual harassment. Bullying creates a horrible, hostile and poisonous work environment that leads to severe problems.

Bullying can be obvious and subtle and may take the form of any one or more of these behaviours:

  • spreading malicious, untrue rumours, gossip, or innuendoesTwo serious business women
  • excluding or isolating someone
  • intimidating a person
  • undermining or interfering with a person’s work
  • threatening
  • restricting former responsibilities
  • changing work requirements
  • setting impossible deadlines
  • withholding information
  • providing erroneous information
  • making offensive jokes
  • pestering, spying or stalking
  • not providing sufficient work
  • swearing, yelling or being rude
  • constant unwarranted criticism
  • blocking applications for training, leave, awards or promotion

It is very important to understand that the people who are bullied are not to blame. The victims or targets are usually highly competent, accomplished, experienced and popular. The reason why they have been singled out for this upsetting and unfair treatment is due to the needs and personalities of the persons who are doing the bullying.

Ken Westhues, a sociologist at the University of Waterloo is survivor of academic mobbing (bullying in universities) and has become a recognized expert. He has developed this checklist of indicators.

  1. By standard criteria of job performance, the target is at least average, probably above average.
  2. Rumours and gossip circulate about the target’s misdeeds: “Did you hear what she did last week?”
  3. The target is not invited to meetings or voted onto committees, is excluded or excludes self.
  4. Collective focus on a critical incident that “shows what kind of person they really are”.
  5. Shared conviction that the target needs some kind of formal punishment, “to be taught a lesson”.
  6. Unusual timing of the decision to punish apart from the annual performance review.
  7. Emotion-laden, defamatory rhetoric about the target in oral and written communications.
  8. Formal expressions of collective negative sentiment toward the target. A vote of censure, signatures on a petition, meeting to discuss what to do about the target.
  9. High value on secrecy, confidentiality, and collegial solidarity among the bullies.
  10. Loss of diversity of argument, so that it becomes dangerous to speak up for or defend the target.
  11. Adding up the target’s real or imagined venial sins to make a mortal sin that cries for action.
  12. The target is seen as personally abhorrent with no redeeming qualities; stigmatizing, exclusionary labels are applied.
  13. Disregard of established procedures as the bullies take matters into their own hands.
  14. Resistance to independent outside review of sanctions imposed on the target.
  15. Outraged response to any appeals for outside help the target may make.
  16. Bullies’ fear of violence from target, target’s fear of violence from bullies, or both.

How Does It Affect People?

The target of bullying may suffer from or experience a great number of symptoms all of which result from his or her treatment at work. The events taking place in the workplace are bad enough and very upsetting, but they can also lead to a number of physical, mental, emotional, social and financial problems.

Don’t be alarmed by the list that follows. Victims do not suffer from all of these things but they could encounter any of them.

  • Weight gain
  • Cancer
  • Heart attacks
  • A stress-induced illness
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Low motivation
  • Memory difficulties
  • Learning difficulty
  • Increased fear
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Desire for revenge
  • Depression
  • Anxiety disorders
  • Loss of confidence
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder
  • Career loss
  • Social difficulties
  • Social isolation
  • Separation
  • Divorce
  • Lowered sex drive
  • Suicide
  • Shock
  • Increased feelings of frustration
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • A sense of vulnerability
  • Loss of appetite
  • Sleep disorders
  • Headaches
  • Stomach upsets
  • Family tensions

 

AUTHOR INFO

John Towler is the author of How to Cope with Workplace Bullying which can be purchased online. Dr. Towler is a Senior Partner with Creative Organizational Design, a management consulting firm that specializes in employee testing and surveys. The firm has a test for everything and can test for salespeople, preselection, customer service, management skills etc. They design, administer and score a variety of surveys including attitude, customer service, marketing and web site popularity. Please send comments to Dr. Towler at jotowler@gmail.com. For more information call (519) 745 0142 or visit their web site at www.creativeorgdesign.com.

Back Stabbing CoWorker

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It seems that unprofessional adults can be found in every workplace. Sometimes it is so outrageous that it must be deal with instead of just tolerated or ignored.

Imagine you had a coworker that was the type of person that pretended they were the boss’ friend. Your coworker was super nice to the boss when she was around, but the minute her back was turned, your coworker turned into the most negative, anti-boss supporter you’ve ever met. Constant criticism, blatant disrespect and very unprofessional.

What do you do?

Backstabbing is one of the most undesirable traits that anyone can possess. Fortunately, we were given the ability to decipher what is right from wrong and the choice to backstab or not to backstab is an easy one for most of us. But what to do when you just observe it?

To start, do not entertain any conversation that will lead to badmouthing about your boss. Don’t agree, don’t nod your head, don’t mmm mmm, don’t smile. Guilt by association is very real, so you want to make sure that you just don’t tolerate this.

Perhaps you need to walk away in the middle of the sentence, with a clear message that says you will not participate in this conversation at all.

Maybe you need to vocally defend your boss (regardless if you agree or not with what your coworker is saying, it is the right thing to do), by saying something like “I like working with her”  or “I don’t agree at all.”

If you really wanted to show your displeasure, say “Would you say this if she were here right now? Then why are you saying it now? It is unprofessional.”   You can expect that conversation will stop in a hurry. You can also expect that subsequent conversation will be about you too (but at least you are aware of it!).

Running and telling the boss is a tactic I wouldn’t recommend. You could look like a tattletale and take the brunt of the attack as well. Racing to Human Resources would offer the same advice from me.

Deal with the unprofessional coworker. Deal with it quickly, without a smile, and with a very clear message that you will not participate.

“I” Language

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The importance of I language

It seems to me that rule 101 of any communication course is “Use I Language”.

That means instead of starting sentences with:

–       you should …

–       you need to  …

–       you have to …. etc

Sentences should start with:

–       I need…

–       I want….

–       I feel … etc

Sentences that start with the word You instantly cause defensiveness. I know that technically tone is more important than words in communication, but the word You is a dangerous word and causes an emotional reaction very quickly.

“You need to call me back” (even in a nice tone) sounds so different from “I need a call back.” Even in a less than nice tone it sounds better than the first sentence.

What we need to be careful about is the danger of  the “me, me, me” conversationalist (see http://on-the-right-track.com/are-you-a-me-me-me-conversationalist/ for a longer article on those dangers).

When dealing with a difficult person, a confrontation or a bully, words DO matter more than in regular conversation with friends. Emotions are higher. Triggers are closer to the surface and we tend to read far more info statements when there is tension in the relationship.

So today, watch all the sentences that start with You (even with those people where there is no tension). Make sure you start with “I” but don’t become a “me-me-me” conversationalist too.

Perhaps it removes a trigger on your difficult person’s radar, and it just might help keep those conversations neutral.

Do you work with a “Chatty Cathy”?

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Chatty Cathy

Do you work with chatty coworkers? Not just the friendly, conversational type, but the type that never stop talking? Ever? You are not alone! We have all encountered an overly talkative colleague who always seems to catch us just as we are leaving for lunch (or the bathroom)! Here are some good ways to deal with a “Chatty Cathy” in the workplace.

1.  Be consistent. It doesn’t make sense for one day for you to fully participate with Chatty Cathy, and the next day ignore her. If you are not consistent about needing to get back to work and limiting the amount of chatter you do participate in, you could be sending mixed messages. No wonder she wants to chat – she thinks that today you might want to as well.

2.  Be honest! If you are heading to the copier and your chit-chatter is stalking you to regale you with another story…be honest!  Let them know that you really do have a lot of work that needs to get done, and you need to concentrate on what you are doing. You may not be received with a smile, but the chatting offender will think twice before trying it again.

3.  Be patient. Try to remember that work is an environment where everyone has to function as a unit. Dealing with chatty coworkers can be as simple as being kindly patient and gently helping them understand you need to get to your work. This person may only be trying to befriend you and nervously chats to make conversation as a show of friendship.

4.  Be firm. If you have tried everything else and you still can’t seem to get work done because of the chatter, let them know that they really have to stop chatting so much. In today’s world, productivity is a great deal of your yearly evaluation. If a coworker is diminishing your productivity, that can lead to an unfavorable evaluation of your work. The majority of people will understand if it is phrased that you are concerned that you may not be as productive if chatting continues.

5. Be polite. You don’t need to imply that they clearly have no work to do, nor that your work is more important. Rudeness is not necessary, so remember to smile, say please and thank you and respect your Chatty Cathy while you are limiting the conversation. You don’t have to like her, but you do need to be polite.

And finally, be sure to evaluate your own actions. Perhaps you are approached by your chatty coworker, because generally you are chatty too. Be careful of labeling others of something you may be guilty of.

Tips for Managing Negative Coworkers

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You know that one of  the most frustrating aspects of working in an office environment can be dealing with negative coworkers. These coworkers can cause a great deal of frustration without rea

Avoid Negativity

lizing they’re doing it. For them, it may just be venting but for you it becomes a constant stream of negativity that can make life miserable. What can you do when faced with this kind of distraction?
Walk Away

Negative coworkers can really sap your energy, leaving you feel like you’ve been beat up just because they couldn’t stop complaining all day! Even if you have an entire arsenal of tools with which

to combat the negativity, you really need to take time for yourself. Pepper your day with regular breaks that allow you to have some breathing room. Take a walk around the building or simply head off to the break room for a change of scenery. If possible, try to take your break outside so you can combine your need to get away with a little bit of sun and some fresh air. You’ll be amazed at how refreshing these little breaks can be, and how much you start to depend on them. Treat yourself – you deserve it!
Turn It Around

Whenever possible, turn the negative comments or attitudes around with a positive version. For every negative bit of reasoning your coworker tosses out, counter with something positive. Every

situation, no matter how dire, has a thread of positive you can knit into a ray of light in the gloom. If your coworker specializes in complaints, help him by suggesting solutions. Sometimes people become so downtrodden by problems that they forget to resolve them.

Stay On the Move
When all else fails, keep moving. If your negative coworkers tend to find and corner you at your desk, this tip is especially important for you. A moving target is harder to hit. Keep files on hand that you need to copy or deliver to another coworker. when your negative friend shows up at your desk yet again, take your mobile task and go. You can avoid sounding rude by letting him know that you simply must deliver the paperwork or make copies before you forget.

Difficult People Can Be Overcome

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There are many types of difficult people. They come in all shapes and sizes. Difficult people hold many different social and economical status.  Difficult people make things…well…difficult.

If any one person seeks to alienate, divide, belittle, or in general make a hostile work environment, or makes you dread going to work, they may qualify as a difficult person. They could be a bully, or it could be just a personality clash. Regardless, there are certain things you must do.

First, take away the power they have over you.  At the moment, they have control, and you need to get back in charge (for you).

You need to document all paper, e-mails, or vocal exchanges.  Suffering, tolerating or ignoring any type of workplace bullying will get you nowhere except in a hospital.

One option you have is to rationally speak with the offender, keeping anger and reactionary response out of it.  Mull things over, sleep on it, and talk with co-workers, friends, and family to ensure you’re not being rash.

The difficult person in question will probably talk with others as well and possibly turn others against you. Take your concerns to a higher position, with facts and documentation, (proving you have integrity, respect, and genuine appreciation for your job and other people).

Difficult people can make us disgruntled and leave us feeling disposable.  Often times this particular difficult person has lashed out at others, (you are often not the only victim).

“Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men” General George S Patton, Jr

Customarily difficult people have issues of their own and for whatever reason makes them feel better to demean and chastise people that are weaker or are a threat to them. It is in you to regain the power to create your own quality of life.

Let your management know that you want to achieve the goals of your organization, for it is through teamwork and shared goals, principles, and values, that your organization will be able to succeed!

Working with a Bully?

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You have enough to worry about at your job, and getting bullied by your coworkers should never be one of them. It is normal to fear retaliation by a workplace bully.  Running away and letting them continue to bully you is not the right approach (but you already know that!).

Write Everything Down

If you’ve been bullied, write down everything that you can about the event. Don’t forget the basics, like what day the event occurred, where it occurred, who was around and what was said.  Please be truthful and objective (black and white). Do not embellish or get emotional. Stick to the facts as best as you can remember them.  Keep in mind that your bully’s supervisor will need this information in order to be able to see a pattern if possible.

If the bully is harassing you via email, text messaging, fax, audit reports, time sheets, memos or by good old snail mail, then smile.  The work has been done for you.  Collect as many of these as you can before you go up the ladder. You can report to your boss, your bully’s boss, Human Resources, your union rep, or whoever you think will be able to best help you immediately..

Don’t Be Alone

Your bully will deny any and all of the accusations brought against him or her.  Expect that. Make it much harder for the bully by never being alone in a room with her. Make sure that someone else is always within earshot that can back you up. A bully is more likely to harass their victims when the victim is alone than even when just one other bystander is nearby.

If you can’t find a human witness, then carry a mechanical witness with you in the form of a cell phone camera or a small tape recorder.  Do a test run with your cell phone inside of a jacket pocket or lying on a table to hear how well voices record. Many cell phones have excellent audio. Carrying a tape recorder is much easier to do in the winter than in the summer, unless your blazer has an inside pocket.

Resist Revenge

This step is hard to do. You will constantly think up things you can say or do to get back at your bully.  Just think them – don’t actually do them. It’s never okay to act on these revenge fantasies, even if the bully really REALLY deserves it. They can easily backfire and cost you your job.

Whenever you do interact with your bully, keep a calm and even tone of voice. Don’t yell and don’t swear that you’ll get even. Don’t even bother to tell them you are documenting all of this. Pretend that you are being watched by the boss. If the bully tries to back you in a corner, move as quickly as possible to anyplace that would have other employees around.

Relax and Talk to Friends

You should not have to spend your off hours worrying about getting bullied again.  Since this is a problem that ís bothering you, you will need to let off some steam. Talk to your friends and loved ones.  They may have tips for you. They may also have been in a similar situation and can sympathize. Better to speak to friends that are not friends at work though.

Bullies try to make their victims feel as if they deserve to be bullied. Spending time with people who value you can not only get you to relax, but can wreck the bully’s plans.

After the confrontation

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After the confrontation
‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.

When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.

“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.

In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.

I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.

This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.

Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.

Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.

Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.

That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.

Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.

The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.

Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.

Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.

I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.

Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.

It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.

Meetings and your Difficult Person/Bully

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If you are attending a meeting this week, and your difficult person (or bully) is attending, make a point to sit BESIDE her, not across the table from her.

When you position yourself across the table you are placing yourself in a potentially adversarial position.  By putting yourself beside your difficult person you are in a position of equality, not competition.

This way you don’t even have to guess if she is talking about you. You know she isn’t, nor can she (you are much too close)! This will take some of the pressure off you (believe it or not), and hopefully you’ll be able to concentrate on your job more.

Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!

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“Can you read this over to make sure it sounds okay?”  We’ve done that haven’t we?  Don’t.

If there is tension in a relationship, the desire to turn to email is overwhelming.  i realize that we want a paper trail, we want to avoid our difficult person, and we want to ensure that we are not part of the problem.

The problem is email itself.  You may have written an email that sounds perfect to you, but you aren’t the other person!  If there is a way to read it the wrong way, that is pretty much what is going to happen.

The tension in your relationship is causing the person to read your email with a “tone” of voice that you potentially weren’t intending to put in the message.  They heard it anyway.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it is about perception.  Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.

If you can, go over and speak to your difficult person. be prepared and stick to your “script”.  Follow up the meeting with an email summary, but don’t have the conversation on email.

If a live conversation is just too much to expect, then have the conversation over the telephone.  Worst case scenario, call their voice mail and leave the message.

Email is guaranteed to make it worse.

Help Me Rhonda? Where to meet?

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Help Me Rhonda!

I’m finally ready to have a confrontation with my co-worker.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Is there a best place to have this meeting?

Help Me Rhonda!

Help Me Rhonda!

Ready-But-Nervous!

Dear Ready-But-Nervous!

Congratulations and being willing to have the confrontation/conversation.  As you know, most people talk themselves out of the final discussion.

There are a few things to keep in mind when scheduling your meeting:
–    Keep it neutral.  You want to meet where you both can be comfortable (as much as the situation allows anyway).  Your office would put you in the drivers seat, and your co-worker might be intimidated.  If you are comfortable with the idea, meeting in his/her office is not bad. If your Human Resources department is involved, the best place would be to meet in their office.  Neutral is important.
o    What you don’t want to do is meet in the office of a “friend/supervisor” who is attending the meeting to support you either. First of all, should they even be there?
– Keep it private. You also don’t want to meet in a public setting where others can overhear your conversation.  If you work in cubicles, this isn’t the place to have the confrontation.  Neither is the coffee room, lunchroom or washroom.

Be sure to close the door and keep your discussion private.  Don’t forget to give them a chance to respond either!

Good luck; sounds like you are on-the-right-track to solution.

Silence can be golden

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When someone pushes your buttons, the best thing you can do is let their verbal attack hang in the air.  Say  nothing.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.  You’ll continue the conversation later, when you are calmer and so are they.  Take a look at the confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you.  You’re an idiot.  I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re constantly messing up and I don’t want your advice!

Mike: (holds extended, silent eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

The attack seems to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.  Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Take the high road in situations such as this one. It will save you from saying something you’ll regret.

What is a bully?

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Dear Rhonda:  I’m working with someone I think is a bully.  She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way.  My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse.  What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with.  Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want  to get involved (Zogby study).  That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well.  If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences.  One person will be very direct, one will be passive.  One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not.  One person likes attention, and one does not.  Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying.  It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

What is a bully?

–       unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

–       someone who intends to harm the victim

–       is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

–       will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

–       has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective.  What does the bully get from bullying you?  What is their payoff?  Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)?  Why?

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

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Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.

When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.

Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check.  She lashed out in anger at me.  It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me.  It also instantly made me angry.

I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.

I said nothing in response.  I knew enough to keep quiet.  I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.

When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond.  Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy.  In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say.  If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.

Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.

You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

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Christopher

Christopher

Some times the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut, not to fight back and to take the high road.

Christopher is my 18-year-old son, and he has been working his past four summers at a local golf course. He knows what he is doing, has been doing it well (and training others), and the management at the golf course values Christopher.

Two weeks ago, Sam, an “older” gentleman was hired as a favour to the owner.  When I say older, I mean he is in his 60s.  To Christopher, this is the age of his grandfather and certainly someone worth respecting.

Chris was assigned the task of training Sam.  Unfortunately, Sam immediately tried to make changes; tell Chris that he was doing his job wrong, and basically cause quite a bit of tension in what should be a relaxing work environment.  Sam was very verbal, very negative and not at all respectful to his coworkers.  He felt that as the older person in the workplace, he knew better than the young kids he was working with.

Christopher has been keeping his mouth shut (which is hard for my 18-year-old outspoken son) while Sam has been complaining about Chris to everyone.  I’ve been coaching him to not say anything he will regret, and to take the high road.

Yesterday it all paid off for him.  Sam was blasting Chris in a public area (in front of other staff and customers) just when the wife of the owner walked in.  Needless to say, things are different at work today.

I would have been easy for Chris to give as good as Sam did. It certainly would have felt better.  It might have taken years instead of weeks for Sam’s true colours to show (if at all).  It may have caused Christopher a lot of stress in the interim.

It was still the right thing to do.  Chris can think of what he would have liked to say, but he doesn’t have to regret what he did say.  The other staff could see what Sam was doing, and Chris didn’t need to fight back in front of them.  He looks far more professional than the man three times his age.

Sam will be taken care of.  Christopher has no worries on his job.

Take the high road – do the right thing (even if it is difficult).  Plan your strategy, follow your plan, and be proud of your actions when dealing with your difficult person.

Are you breathing?

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Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person.  The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.

The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe!  Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.

It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).

 

Are you venting or solution oriented?

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Many times we are more focused on the “Confrontation” than we are the solution.  Do you mistake a confrontation for a vent session?  Do you go into your confrontation (or conversation) with a solution in mind, or are you just trying to vent with your difficult person?

Lets assume the issue is your coworker who is constantly asking you to “cover” for them while they are away from the office.  You’ve done this in the past, but are now uncomfortable with this arrangement and want it to stop. You’ve spoke to your coworker before and told her that you don’t want to continue.  She says OK, but is still disappearing, leaving you to make up excuses or explanations.

You’ve had enough and won’t cover for her anymore as she has pushed you one time to many.  When you approach her to discuss the situation, are you planning on venting on how unprofessional, how unfair she is being to you?  Do you want to explain all the reasons that you shouldn’t be covering for her?  Are you focused on any solution at all?

Instead of venting (although I realize you want to do this), stay focused on the solution – or end result you want.  Tell her that you are uncomfortable (explanation and venting are two different things), and that in the future you will not make excuses, you will simply say you  have no idea where your coworker is.

The solution is where you should be focused, not the venting.  The venting will create more tension, more frustration and no solution.

Keep focused – it will be worth it!

You need to calm down!

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Calm Down

Calm Down

Doesn’t it drive you around the bend when someone tells you to calm down? That is about the worst thing you could possibly say to a person who has lost their cool. So don’t say it.  Ever.

I can appreciate that sometimes people get out of hand. I can appreciate that in order for us to proceed they are going to need to calm down.  However, telling them to calm down is like throwing grease on the fire – it will just cause a big blow up.

Instead of telling the other person to calm down, perhaps we need to say “I need to take a breather before we continue.  Perhaps we could continue this conversation in 45 minutes.”

I realize that when you are dealing with a client that option is not always available and you must deal with the situation immediately. Continue to speak calmly and with extra care – but don’t tell the other person to calm down!

Keep your own cool, and remind yourself to calm down – but don’t give that advice to an angry and difficult person. It will make matters much worse.  Breathe deeply …. But bite your tongue!

What can we learn from Conan and NBC?

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obrien-cp-getty-94025389It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC.  It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.

They both need to learn to SHUT UP!  When you have an argument with someone in your workplace, the worst thing you can do is tell everyone else what happened, who said what, who did what etc.

This seems to be the pattern for both Conan and NBC.  Both are thinking they are getting good press for what they are saying in the public.

Both are wrong.  Sadly, they both look juvenile, and I will have a hard time supporting either in the future.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  When something is going wrong, keep your mouth shut. If you need to discuss what is going on, be very careful about who you chat with (they likely will chat with someone else), and what you say.  Take your frustrations to your family, or someone in HR, but not to a coworker, or coworkers!

If either of them had taken the high road, I would have supported them.  In the workplace, I don’t need to take sides, but it would be hard to support someone who was so obviously childish and unprofessional.

Take my advice and keep the information out of the workplace setting.  You will make the situation far worse. I would rather regret that I didn’t say anything than regret telling everyone everything.

Dealing with Negativity

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I am nonegativityt a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.

There are several approaches to dealing with negativity, and while none of them are easy, they are simple to do without compromising your credibility at work.

I’ll share my favourite approach today.  Try to do this for the next 30 days.  It won’t be easy.

Turn every negative statement they say into a positive one.

Them: “It’s too cold outside”
You: “I love my sweater and I can’t wear it in the summer.  The cold allows me to wear it and I like that”

Them: “This company takes advantage of us all the time”
You: “I’m glad I have a job”

Them: “Bob the Boss is such a jerk don’t you think?”
You: “I’ve heard horror stories, so put into perspective,  I can deal with Bob”

You don’t actually have to believe what you are saying; you just have to say the positive version of what your difficult person is saying.  You may think that Bob the Boss is a jerk too, but if you agree with their negativity, you are actually encouraging them to be negative more often.

You must be 100% consistent with this approach though.  Always take their negativity and make it positive.  This will exhaust you. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

This won’t make them a positive person.  It just makes them take their negativity elsewhere.

That’s OK with me 🙂

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