Madison Brown-Moffitt – Public Health Education Intern
Palo Alto Medical Foundation
You’ve heard the sayings, “there are two sides to every problem” and “it takes two to tango.” Designed to make us look at our own behavior, these adages presuppose that the person with whom you’re tangoing wants to resolve a conflict. What do you do when the other person thrives on adversity and drama? First, ask yourself what drives this relationship. It may be based on:
Perceived debt.
Duty.
Guilt.
Fear of disapproval.
Fear of angering the person.
Fear of losing the relationship.
Fear of being perceived as a bad person.
Fear of feeling guilty, selfish or unloving.
Erratic behavior is unsettling and disorienting. When someone close to you demands constant attention or blows up at you out of the blue, it’s hard not to get upset. Remember that you only have control over your own behavior. If the difficult person is someone you have to deal with, here are some tactics to help you maintain your peace of mind.
Warning Signs
Difficult people:
Focus only on themselves.
Get offended frequently and easily.
Ignore your opinion.
Use emotional blackmail (sulking, crying, threatening, becoming cold) to manipulate you into doing what they want.
General Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People
Don’t apologize for yourself.
Never underestimate nodding and smiling.
Try to stay pleasant and calm.
Understand and accept that their reality might be different so you can try to interact with them in a non-combative way. Sometimes, no matter what you do, they will feel attacked.
Non-defensive Communication
Some people have gotten their way by yelling, playing victim, sulking, threatening and blaming. A natural reaction is to defend and protect yourself, when in fact, those responses usually raise the emotional intensity. Don’t become defensive during these difficult conversations.
Some non-defensive statements like:
I’m sorry you’re upset.
I can understand how you might see it that way.
That is interesting.
Let’s talk when you are feeling calmer. Then leave the situation.
Enlisting the Difficult Person as an Ally
When you’ve reached an impasse, try shifting the conversation to involve the other person in your problem-solving process. You can ask for help, suggestions or information and possibilities you had not considered by approaching the person with curiosity and a willingness to learn.
Some possible questions and statements:
Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?
Can you help me find things we can do to make our relationship better?
Can you help me understand why you are so upset?
What can we do to solve this problem?
I wonder what would happen if…
If the solution seems like their idea, it makes them more on board with it.
If you find ways to diffuse the feelings associated with the difficult person and still want to get to know them or strengthen a relationship, put it on your terms. Try initiating contact that you’re comfortable with. For example, you can say, “I’m free Fridays from 4 to 7; would you like to have dinner sometime? Let me know and we can try to make a plan.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-07-11 12:44:562023-07-11 12:44:56Dealing with Difficult People
Madison Brown-Moffitt – Public Health Education Intern
Palo Alto Medical Foundation
You’ve heard the sayings, “there are two sides to every problem” and “it takes two to tango.” Designed to make us look at our own behavior, these adages presuppose that the person with whom you’re tangoing wants to resolve a conflict. What do you do when the other person thrives on adversity and drama? First, ask yourself what drives this relationship. It may be based on:
Perceived debt.
Duty.
Guilt.
Fear of disapproval.
Fear of angering the person.
Fear of losing the relationship.
Fear of being perceived as a bad person.
Fear of feeling guilty, selfish or unloving.
Erratic behavior is unsettling and disorienting. When someone close to you demands constant attention or blows up at you out of the blue, it’s hard not to get upset. Remember that you only have control over your own behavior. If the difficult person is someone you have to deal with, here are some tactics to help you maintain your peace of mind.
Warning Signs
Difficult people:
Focus only on themselves.
Get offended frequently and easily.
Ignore your opinion.
Use emotional blackmail (sulking, crying, threatening, becoming cold) to manipulate you into doing what they want.
General Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People
Don’t apologize for yourself.
Never underestimate nodding and smiling.
Try to stay pleasant and calm.
Understand and accept that their reality might be different so you can try to interact with them in a non-combative way. Sometimes, no matter what you do, they will feel attacked.
Non-defensive Communication
Some people have gotten their way by yelling, playing victim, sulking, threatening and blaming. A natural reaction is to defend and protect yourself, when in fact, those responses usually raise the emotional intensity. Don’t become defensive during these difficult conversations.
Some non-defensive statements like:
I’m sorry you’re upset.
I can understand how you might see it that way.
That is interesting.
Let’s talk when you are feeling calmer. Then leave the situation.
Enlisting the Difficult Person as an Ally
When you’ve reached an impasse, try shifting the conversation to involve the other person in your problem-solving process. You can ask for help, suggestions or information and possibilities you had not considered by approaching the person with curiosity and a willingness to learn.
Some possible questions and statements:
Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?
Can you help me find things we can do to make our relationship better?
Can you help me understand why you are so upset?
What can we do to solve this problem?
I wonder what would happen if…
If the solution seems like their idea, it makes them more on board with it.
If you find ways to diffuse the feelings associated with the difficult person and still want to get to know them or strengthen a relationship, put it on your terms. Try initiating contact that you’re comfortable with. For example, you can say, “I’m free Fridays from 4 to 7; would you like to have dinner sometime? Let me know and we can try to make a plan.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-07-11 12:44:562023-07-11 12:44:56Dealing with Difficult People
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
They set limits.Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.
They stay aware of their emotions.Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
They don’t focus on problems—only solutions.Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
They don’t forget.Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
They get some sleep.I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-08-26 14:38:072021-08-26 14:38:07Dealing with difficult people: A guide
The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.
E + R = 0
Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…
Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?
The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.
Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.
Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.
Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace
For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.
1. The Anxious
These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.
These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.
3. The Negative-Minded
These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.
These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.
5. The Hostile
These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.
6. The Blamer
These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.
Dealing with them:
To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.
7. The Staller
These people are bound to make a commitment.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.
8. The Perfectionist
These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.
9. The Overly Agreeable
These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.
10. The Gossip
These people talk about other people behind their backs
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.
Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work
Here is the most interesting thing…
Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.
When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.
For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.
Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.
2. Listen to Others
Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.
When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.
To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.
So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.
3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:
Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion
Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.
4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.
If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.
When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.
Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.
So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
5. Not to Take Anything Personally
In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.
Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.
Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.
When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.
To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.
7. Use Appropriate Humor
Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.
Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.
Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting
The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.
8. Introspect and Take Responsibility
Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.
When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.
Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.
If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?
Why I ‘m feeling this way? Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person? You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.
9. Build a Rapport
Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.
When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.
Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.
So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.
10. Keep Your Power
Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief
When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.
When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.
So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.
11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger
Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.
When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.
So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.
12. Speak with the Person Directly
Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.
When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.
If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.
The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.
I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.
When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.
Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.
This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.
14. Don’t Gossip
Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.
They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.
They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.
If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.
So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.
15. Pick Your Battles Carefully
Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.
No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battleswisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.
Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.
The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.
Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.
16. Understand Other Person’s Perception
Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.
For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.
This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.
This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.
The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.
Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.
18. Treat the Person with Respect
Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.
Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.
Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.
When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.
You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.
So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?
Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.
19. Be Professional
Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.
Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.
Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.
Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.
20. Keep a Healthy Distance
When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.
Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
21. Don’t act Defensively
When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.
Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.
There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.
So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.
22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate
Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.
If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.
Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”
Conclusion
Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them
Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.
If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.
Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.
I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-07-07 11:54:332021-07-07 11:54:3322 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
What constitutes bad behavior in the workplace? Let’s look at an example.
Ian’s an engineer in the aerospace industry. He’s exceptionally knowledgeable, and puts in long hours working on his projects. But his manner with his colleagues is curt, to say the least. For several years this hasn’t overly upset other members of his team – an easy-going bunch who’ve just accepted his lack of people skills. They’ve generally shrugged off Ian’s comments, saying things like “Ah, that’s just Ian, don’t mind him.”
However, in the past year, a couple of team members have moved on. One of their replacements has now been off sick with stress for six weeks, and he’s citing Ian’s frequent unpleasant comments as the cause. As a result, the team is behind on an important project.
A year ago, Ian was making a valuable contribution to the team, but now he’s the cause of various problems. Yet, he’s not actually doing anything different. So was he – and is he – behaving badly?
Clearly, any definition of “bad” behavior depends on the context. We can’t just say “cursing can never be tolerated” or “moaning about the boss at the water cooler is always fine”. Instead, we need a reliable method of assessing whether a particular behavior is or is not acceptable, which we can apply to any situation. Using a test like this will help all of those involved to understand why a particular behavior is unacceptable, and this in turn should play an important role in encouraging everyone to stamp it out.
Please note that this article is about behavior that is legal, but questionable, and which is not covered by existing organizational policies or by established professional ethics. By contrast, illegal behavior, such as discrimination, is clearly never acceptable. If faced with such a situation, you may want to read the Mind Tools article on Whistleblowing
How Can “Bad Behavior” Be Defined?
J Richard Hackman, in his book “Leading Teams,” observes that effective teams:
Deliver outputs that are at the very least acceptable to the client (internal or external).
Work together in such a way that they remain a cohesive group in the long term.
Are made up of individuals who benefit from being part of the team.
Our definition of “bad behavior” comes not from what an individual person does or doesn’t do, but from the overall impact that their behavior has on the team’s mission and on its effectiveness. Almost all work is done by teams, so anything that harms their output is by definition unacceptable.
Applying the definitions above, we can conclude that behavior at work is “bad” if it does any one or more of the following things:
Harms the team’s ability to deliver to its client.
Damages the cohesion of the team.
Has an unnecessary adverse impact on one or more individuals within the team.
Applying these criteria to our initial example, we can say that Ian’s behavior has become unacceptable because it’s harming the team’s ability to deliver, by causing one member to be off sick long term and thus reducing capacity. It’s also obviously having an unnecessary adverse impact on that individual.
A less contentious issue might involve a computer programmer who listens to music with earbuds
while working. Most of her day is spent concentrating exclusively on the code she’s writing, so this doesn’t directly harm the team’s ability to deliver, and it’s not having an adverse impact on anyone else.
But it does arguably damage the coherence of the team. By wearing her headphones, the programmer is isolating herself from those around her. She doesn’t hear work-related discussions that her colleagues are having, and she doesn’t get involved in any of the office banter that goes on even in conscientious, hard-working groups. As a result, her colleagues aren’t enthusiastic about helping her out when she has a problem which needs their input. So, in fact, her music habit could legitimately be labeled “bad behavior”, albeit very mild. (However, this has to be balanced against a possible loss of productivity if she struggles to concentrate…)
On the other hand, having clear tests helps you identify what’s not bad behavior. Taking a possibly controversial example, perhaps one of your team members comes in one morning with extensive body piercing, or highly visible tattoos. If this doesn’t upset the team’s client, doesn’t affect the team’s delivery, and doesn’t excessively upset other team members (tolerance of others being a necessary quality within a team), then is this really a problem?
The Impact of Bad Behavior
At a personal level, you can suffer negative effects from someone else’s bad behavior, even if you’re not the direct target.
At an organizational level, bad behavior can have a tangible impact on profitability. Missed objectives and declining productivity mean diminished profitability. You may find that you face increased sick days, as team members try to escape the bad behavior, or are sucked into it. Another possible consequence may be higher staff turnover, with all of the cost and time involved in hiring and training new people.
For a discussion on some of the more extreme forms of bad behavior and their consequences, see the Mind Tools article on Bullying in the Workplace.
The Danger of Denial
People often try to rationalize bad behavior, rather than confront it. They pretend that it isn’t happening, convince themselves that it’s not important, or believe that it will sort itself out. This is dangerous. Someone who’s deliberately behaving badly can be emboldened by such a lack of resistance, and become even more obnoxious. And, by giving rapid feedback to someone who’s not aware that they’re behaving badly, you can ‘nip problems in the bud’ before they become severe and habitual.
Using the guidelines above helps to remove doubt about the issue. While different teams may well have different standards and expectations about behavior, within a given context you can judge whether behavior is bad or not, and act appropriately.
Dealing With It
While denial is not a solution, emotional outbursts in public, on the other hand, are rarely helpful. When you need to address bad behavior, find somewhere away from other members of the team where you can ask the perceived offender to discuss the incident or issue with you.
Be ready to:
Make a brief, factual summary of what happened.
Explain what you feel to be the negative impact.
Describe how the incident made you, or one of your team members, feel (frustrated or disappointed, for example).
State how you would like to see that behavior modified, and agree some targets if appropriate.
Make sure you stay calm and objective, and be ready to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember that bad behavior can be a reaction to deeper, underlying problems, and allowing these to surface can solve all sorts of issues. Have a look at the Mind Tools article on Dealing with Difficult People for further ideas on how to handle such a situation.
Team Leader Options
Team leaders may attempt to address mild instances of bad behavior, or poor interpersonal skills, by working with the team member concerned, with a view to achieving realistic soft skill targets. This helps you to continue working with the team member, and to continue to take advantage of the specific skills and positive traits that brought this person into the team in the first place.
Where such training is not practical, or is rejected, team leaders can try to manage round the problem, either by putting the person in a form of “quarantine”, so that they effectively work in isolation, or by using strong managerial control. However, neither possibility leaves much room for maximizing the benefit of team working.
Managers and Other Role Models
Be alert to the fact that there’s always a risk that people start to see certain types of bad behavior as being career-enhancing, taking badly behaved individuals as role models. This can happen when managers themselves exhibit bad behavior, or when they are seen to promote someone who does.
If managers “practice what they preach” and take a visible stance against bad behavior, this will already go a long way to minimizing such problems within an organization.
Different Is Not Necessarily Bad
Finally, bear in mind that perceptions of what constitutes acceptable behavior may need to evolve as the composition of a team changes and develops. Perhaps a team member has started asking questions in meetings which have been traditionally used by the team leader to rubber stamp decisions. It would be a mistake to consider this “bad” behavior if, for example, “team cohesion” has actually just become an alias for groupthink. Having a colleague challenge “groupthink” in this way can benefit everyone by stimulating the creativity and effectiveness of the team.
Key Points
It’s important to recognize when bad behavior is taking place. Left unchecked, it can have a negative impact on both people and profitability. The three rules we’ve outlined will help you to quickly and effectively assess behavior, in terms of its impact on team deliverables, cohesion and individual members.
If it’s judged to be unacceptable, the first move should be to have a private discussion with the person who’s behaved badly. Talk about what’s happened, the impact it’s having, and how to improve things. And, while it’s vital to ensure any bad behavior is both detected and resolved, it’s also key to set a good example yourself, especially if you’re a manager.
Apply This to Your Life
The next time something strikes you as constituting bad behavior, you’ll need to assess whether it’s just different from what you would do, or whether it really is detrimental. Apply the three tests before doing anything else. For example, you might find listening to the radio in your office very distracting, but you need to recognize that it may well help your colleagues in the warehouse get through their day, as they do routine stock-picking or packing.
A warning: as a manager, you also need to be alert to behavior that on the face of it seems acceptable, but which, on inspection, is breaking one of the three rules. Having keen soccer fans in the department, with friendly rivalry between supporters of different clubs, might seem good for bonding and team interaction. However, if it turns out that team cohesion is being damaged by the presence of conflicting “soccer clans”, then they’re behaving badly and the problem needs to be addressed.
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https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-06-23 09:14:572021-06-23 09:14:57Bad Behavior at Work Using Clear Criteria to Identify and Deal With Offenders
Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?
Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.
This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.
“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”
The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.
The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.
Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.
The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”
Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.
Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”
The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.
It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”
Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.
Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.
The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.
When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”
How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?
My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.
Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-03-02 04:12:072020-03-02 04:12:07The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You
A loud co-worker can derail your productivity and make the working environment unpleasant, but telling a noisy colleague to pipe down isn’t a pleasant task. Even though they’re being rude, it’s natural to want to avoid confrontation.
Luckily, there are ways to get your co-worker to be a little quieter without ruffling any feathers in the office.
Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to improve working relationships, no matter what or who you’re facing.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-11-11 14:14:462019-11-11 14:15:48Dealing With Difficult People - The Foghorn Talker
It is hard to put difficult colleagues into a one-size-fits-all box. After all, they come in so many shapes and sizes. No workplace is without them.
What about the passive-aggressive who feeds on bullying others? How about the know-it-all corporate climber who walks all over people in her 5-inch stilettos? Or the two-faced backstabber who delights in betraying confidences?
Difficult colleagues create stressful environments and unpleasant working conditions. A survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 65% of Americans cited work as a top source of stress. Only 37% of Americans surveyed said they were doing an excellent or very good job managing stress. In fact, work-related problems significantly outpaced other leading causes of stress such as health concerns or family responsibilities.
Not all stress at work can be blamed on difficult colleagues, but our workplace is a perfect breeding ground for people who push our buttons. A gossip who might not ordinarily get on our nerves becomes toxic when we are forced to work with them on a daily basis.
Unfortunately for entrepreneurs, business owners, and leaders, difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity.
The way your team deals with difficult colleagues will have a major impact on their careers and their well-being. Here are 5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues:
1. Keep friends close, enemies even closer
A difficult colleague may not be your enemy, but the more you know about them, the better you can understand them.
I will admit that, as an FBI agent, there are people out there who considered me to be the difficult colleague. I (sometimes) regret that I left casualties in the squad room, but I also know I had reasons for taking my stance. I’m not justifying my behavior; I make this point to underscore the importance of trying to understand the difficult colleague.
A Buddhist practice suggests that if someone is causing you to suffer, it’s because they’re suffering as well.
If someone had taken the time to ask me about my behavior, I would have pointed out that I am an overachiever. As such, I put so much pressure on myself to excel that, at times, I had no time for the pettiness of common courtesy! The stress I put on myself to run undercover operations and develop human intelligence (humint) sources caught up with me; I ended up incredibly sick for several months.
TIP: Take the time to understand that your workplace antagonist is an imperfect person, just like you. You don’t have to like them but if you can understand why they act like a jerk, you might be able to prevent yourself from adding fuel to the fire.
2. Know what pushes your buttons
No one escapes childhood without a few bruises and scrapes. We all have flash points that stem from our upbringing, family life, and relationships. Anger or frustration can be triggered when we least expect it. We react to a situation or individual rather than choose our response.
Our buttons are our responsibility to uncover. It’s so much easier to blame the difficult colleague or stupid supervisor rather than admit we have our own flaws.
Instead, take a look at why you react to certain people or situations in a negative way. Mental toughness is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success. You need to be brave enough to look at yourself with honesty and compassion. This might mean going back to childhood hurts to discover the patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you now.
TIP: Don’t be a wimp. Get a handle on what those buttons are and who, or what, pushes them. Rather than seeing difficult colleagues as a burden, they could actually be your ticket to dramatic professional growth.
3. Save the fight for what matters
Analyze the person and situation so you can rule out “false triggers” that create unnecessary stress in your environment. If you can’t, you will be at the mercy of the office bullies because they will know how to manipulate you. By pushing one of your buttons, you can be made to look oversensitive, weak, or gullible.
TIP: Be responsive, not reactive when someone pushes your buttons. A knee-jerk reaction is never a good choice.
4. Keep a lid on anger
Anger flares up when we feel that we, or another co-worker, have been unjustly treated by the difficult colleague. There are several reasons anger is not a good reaction:
An unpleasant emotion
Bad for your health
Clouds your judgment
Makes you look unprofessional
Avoid anger in the workplace. If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you risk being seen as unable to handle the situation like a seasoned professional. Worse yet, you may get labeled as being a difficult colleague as well.
TIP: Don’t flare up in the immediate heat of a confrontation. Instead, allow yourself to observe what is happening without getting caught up in it (meditation can help you with this). If you feel you can’t control your anger, try stalling for time. Here are some suggestions:
“Can I have a little more time to think this through? I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
“This isn’t on today’s agenda. Can we talk about it later?”
“I have a deadline. Can I get back to you on that?”
Bottom line: get out of the situation as quick as you can so you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If not, wait until your emotions are under control and then choose your response rather than reacting with negativity.
5. Face conflict
Conflict avoidance is not always a great idea, either. Staying away from disagreements and conflict creates stress as well.
If you’re faced with a difficult colleague, take some time out to reflect on the situation. Think about what the ideal outcome would be for you. What would you hope to accomplish from a conversation with your colleague?
Talk the situation out with other co-workers to gauge their assessment of it. They might be able to offer constructive advice and observations.
Don’t criticize, blame, or judge. Point out what you both agree upon at the beginning of the conversation.TIP: Things might not change between you and the difficult colleague at first, but it’s worth a try. In a corporate environment that is known for tactics and playing games, develop a reputation of someone who is direct, personal and genuine. You’ll stand out!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-11-04 10:35:502019-11-04 10:52:165 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues
No matter where you work, there always seems to be at least one coworker who is difficult to deal with. Sometimes, that coworker even turns into a bully, and that can affect your job performance and self-esteem when all you want to do it get along and get the job done. If you let it go, you can end up losing your temper, and that could adversely affect you both personally and professionally. However, there are some ways you can get along or defuse the situation to make life easier on the job.
1. Difficult Coworkers
All work situations have difficult coworkers from health care jobs to sales jobs. It may be the office gossip, the one who never seems to be able to get the job done without help or the serial dodger, who never seems to take responsibility and blames everyone else for his or her shortcomings. Then there is the nasty coworker, who never has anything nice to say about you, no matter what. Your first step in dealing with difficult coworkers is to identify who they are to ensure you aren’t blaming the wrong person.
2. Discuss the Problem
With a workplace bully or backstabber, it may be necessary to confront the person instead of letting the behavior continue. Having a calm discussion about the problem may have a surprising response. Some people do not realize the adverse impact their statements and actions have on others and be genuinely surprised and taken aback. Try to talk reasonably and hold your temper, but let the person know that you will take the issue to a superior if the actions continue.
3. Talk to a Friend
A little unbiased opinion is never harmful, so talking over your coworker situation with a friend can be a good idea. It not only lets you vent your frustrations but can give you an unbiased opinion of what may be going on and how to handle the situation.
4. Use Humor to Defuse a Situation
While this type of tactic can work for some people, not everyone is able to make a humorous comment to defuse a situation spontaneously. A light bit of humor might be the tactic for you if you have a funny side.
5. Have an Exit Strategy
Having an excuse to get away from a difficult coworker can help. Whether inventing a phone call you have to make, work you have to do right away or another excuse, spend as little time with the toxic coworker as possible. When people realize they aren’t being listened to, they give up.
6. Keep Your Co-Worker Problem Private
You don’t want your character questioned, so maintain your cool when faced with a problem co-worker. Complaining to others in the office might get you branded as a problem yourself, so keep any complaining down to those in your family or a close friend outside the office. Going public with grievances is always a bad idea.
7. Be Bigger Than Your Co-Worker
You know the old adage, “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.” This applies to coworkers too. It doesn’t mean you have to come in every day with a new joke or be the person who organizes birthday parties. However, just being pleasant, smiling and polite can improve another person’s attitude toward you.
8. A Friend Can’t Be an Enemy
While it doesn’t work in all cases, being friendly but not overly friendly to a difficult coworker can produce positive results. If the problem is gossip, having a friendly conversation can set things straight. If, on the other hand, the coworker is trying to take credit for work you have done, you can let your boss know beforehand that you are working on a certain aspect of a project, so you will get the credit.
9 Go to Your Boss
No one likes to do this, but sometimes there is no other choice if your requests to your toxic coworker have fallen on deaf ears. If you do decide to take the matter up with your supervisor, make sure to go armed with the information you need to make your case. Take notes on how this person’s actions are affecting your work and productivity on projects, and write down exactly what that person is doing to adversely affect your work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-10-25 11:21:292019-10-25 11:21:299 Tips for Handling a Difficult Coworker
Working with someone who is known for being “difficult” doesn’t have to be, well, difficult. By focusing on the other person in a positive way, you can make constructive strides in your working relationship—and your overall office happiness.
Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to improve working relationships, no matter what or who you’re facing.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-10-24 10:03:012019-10-24 10:03:01Dealing With Difficult People - Nowhere Man
Bosses and colleagues: they can mean the difference between loving your work and dreading getting up in the morning.
When it’s good, you feel supported, valued, part of a team, and heard; when it’s bad you feel resentful, lonely, stressed and depressed.
When it’s good you’re prepared to stay in your job for the long term; and when it’s bad, you daily weigh up the ability to pay rent and eat, against the sheer joy of leaving your workplace and never, ever coming back.
But before you walk away, read our top tips for dealing with difficult people at work.
These tried and true methods have changed many toxic work relationships, turning what once seemed intolerable, into workable.
Disarm
We’re all the star of our own TV shows. We all see things filtered through the lens of our personality and thoughts. That’s what makes assumptions so tricky.
We are often assuming things about people based purely on how we view a situation, not on the the truth. For instance, you may have a tendency to catastrophise things. Like if a colleague at work is always frowning, you may assume that they don’t like you, when in actual fact they have a really stressful home life, and haven’t even noticed you enough to dislike you.
Sometimes the way that people act at work has actually nothing to do with you, and everything to do with an issue they are facing in their personal lives.
They may be less chatty than usual because they have just had a break-up, they may seem cranky because someone they love has passed away. There are a thousand reasons that a person may be acting in a certain way.
If you have a feeling that someone doesn’t like you, or they are short and sharp with you, or they ignore you, or they are a bit rude when they speak to you, muster your courage and ask them to come for a private chat with you.
You could invite them for a quick coffee. When you have them alone, ask them if they’re okay. You could start the conversation by saying “I’ve noticed lately you’re a bit on edge, is everything okay?”
Usually what will happen after this conversation, is that the person will be more aware of how they are coming across. Asking them if they’re okay will work to disarm them, and if there really was a problem, your concern will show them that you are afriend, not a threat.
Take them aside and confront them
Similar to asking if they’re okay, this method involves direct action. It is best to do this when the issue isn’t murky, where the person has actually been cruel, or mean, or a bit of a bully.
Here, what you need to do is take them aside and gently ask if there is a problem. If they say yes, then you can rationally and reasonably discuss it. If they say no, then at the very least they will be less likely to continue behaving poorly, because they know that you will call them out on it.
It’s important with this one, however, to remain calm and rational. Don’t accuse, don’t yell, just state your case, listen to them and try to work things out.
Manage expectations
If your boss, or your colleagues, keep dumping work on you and expecting it to be done yesterday, or if they are always pushing you to work faster, or if you feel underneath a mountain of work that just keeps piling up, it may be time to have a chat with them.
Let them know where you are at and the timeframe it will realistically take you to do the tasks.
Make sure they understand your work process so that together, you can work out realistic deadlines that work for everybody.
Here, you may also want to work out a process of prioritisation, so that you clearly know where jobs sit in the work food chain, and you know when one job needs to jump the queue.
Different strokes for different folks
If you’ve never heard of personality typing, basically what it means is that there are a whole cast of different “types” of personality that people can roughly be grouped into.
Some people are more task-oriented, some people feed off talking about ideas, some love the details, and some love communication. If you want to learn more about grouping, Google NLP personalities, Myers Briggs or DISC training.
Businesses need employees from all different ‘types” because every type has something different and important to offer a company. For example, the detail-orientated people make sure mistakes don’t happen and the visionaries move the big ideas forward. Ideally, a company will be made up of all different personality types, so that it has a rounded business approach.
If you find yourself clashing with someone, or irritated by someone, observe them for a day.
Try to work out what their personality style is, what they react to positively and negatively and what gets the best out of them.
When you next interact with them, try to use the information you have gathered to find a better way to work with them, to get on with them. Often a personality clash comes from not really understanding a person.
If you need to chat in the morning, and someone ignores you, that can make you feel rejected and angry. What you might not understand is that they are task-oriented, and have a need to focus all their energy on a task until it’s completed, then they’ll chat.
Knowing where a person is coming from can go a long way to building strong working relationships.
Do a Craig David and just walk away
If you have a co-worker or a boss who gets aggressive or starts to shout at you, take a leaf out of the famous Craig David song of the early 21st century titled Walking Away.
Honestly, yelling, shouting and intimidating behaviour is bullying and you don’t have to put up with it.
If it starts to happen, as coolly and calmly as you can, tell the person that you are going to leave and come back when they’ve calmed down, then walk away or hang up the phone.
If after leaving and returning (or phoning them back) the behaviour has not changed, then it may be time to take the issue further up the work ladder to your boss. Or if it is your boss who’s doing all the yelling, take it to their boss.
Ignore the excluders and take their power away
You may have an excluder in your office. For some reason, whether it be jealousy, ambition or just plain cruelty, excluders will deliberately try to sabotage you or make you feel left out in the cold, by ignoring you, or only giving you a bit of information about a job, task or social event.
The only way to deal with these people, is to ignore them right back. Don’t feed whatever is going on with them by playing into their trap. Just ignore it altogether.
If the exclusion has to do with the information you need for work tasks, tell your boss what is going on. Ask your boss to either brief you directly, or to get someone else to brief you with job information. You could also ask other colleagues for information.
Manage the micromanager
There’s always one. They can’t let anything go. They are always on you for updates and reports, always checking up.
To minimise your stress, and to help you work with them, what you need to do is be on the front foot. Give them updates on progress before they stop in to ask. Keep them in the loop on deadlines, and be proactive with your communication with them.
Basically, what they are really looking for is communication. They want to know all the what’s, the where’s and the when’s. The more you keep them in the loop, the more likely they are to trust you, and give you a bit of breathing room.
Know your triggers and manage your response
We all have our pet peeves. Whether it’s a particular tone someone uses when they want something done, or the way someone will linger over your shoulder talking about their weekend when you really have a lot of work to get on with, or the lady who talks so loudly, people two floors down know about how wonderful her blue cheese salad was.
Knowing your pet peeves and your triggers will go a long way to helping you deal with tricky work situations.
Once you know what your triggers are, you can work out strategies and plans for how to deal with them when someone pushes your buttons.
You may find that going to the bathroom and taking five deep breaths will calm you down, or popping on your headphones and listening to music blocks out the sound of loud co-workers and signals “do not disturb”.
Having a plan can help to manage and eliminate stress. Instead of acting out in the moment, which usually heightens stress and anger, have a plan to calm down, to focus and to brush it all off.
Big picture thinking
When things get tough, stop, find a quiet spot, take three deep breaths and think, will this matter in a month? Will it matter in a year? Will I remember this in five years? Is this going to be something I tell at dinner parties 10 years from now?
If the answer to all those questions is no, then brush it off, because in the scheme of your life, it really doesn’t matter.
If the answer is yes, then you may have a problem. You may need to approach your boss, or their boss to chat about the issues and see if they can be resolved. If they can’t, then it may be time to plan your exit from the position.
Find a stress outlet
It’s important that you have an outlet where you can release your stress. This may be exercise (there are whole reams of research proving the stress-relieving power of exercise to calm, focus and energise the body and mind). It could be an art class, or swimming lessons, or working on your car.
Whatever it is, make sure you make time to have it in your life, especially when you are feeling stressed and on edge.
Hopefully these tips will help you to navigate the minefields that workplaces can be. If you try them, and they really don’t work, either nothing changes, or things get worse, then you really may be in the wrong job. It may be time for a change.
If they do work, keep them up and enjoy the lifelong benefits you’ll get from knowing how to deal with difficult people and situations.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-10-21 11:51:182019-10-21 11:54:24How you can deal with difficult people at work and still keep your job!
Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.
Try out these tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂 or ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to retain control, no matter what or who you’re facing.
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We’ve all likely encountered conflicts in the workplace that affect our morale, limit our productivity, and may even lead us to seek employment elsewhere.
There’s no way to avoid tension altogether, of course. But if you are capable of carefully navigating and resolving such discord, you’ll find you can improve dynamics for yourself and your team—and together you can deliver the results you strive for.
Let’s take a look at a common workplace conflict. A new manager has been hired to oversee special projects within your department, and you are uncertain about how roles will be redefined and responsibilities reallocated.
OPEN, CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION IS KEY
In a situation like this, it’s natural to feel a loss of control and fear of the unknown. To avoid letting anxiety get the best of you, commit yourself to being as communicative and open as possible.
A constructive conversation with your new counterpart can help both of you adjust to the new reality and work toward common goals with less stress and more understanding.
Here are three strategies to maximize the chances of a smooth path forward.
1. CRAFT AN INVITATION TO MEET
Take the initiative to connect with your new colleague. You can send an invitation by e-mail, but keep in mind that the way you formulate this message is important.
Be Empathetic
To begin, find that place of empathy within yourself. Think about how this person may be feeling. Likely he is anxious as well. After all, as a new member of the team, he is walking into a situation where people already know what they’re doing.
If you consider the feelings that language evokes in people—the emotions it evokes in you—you’ll appreciate the importance of conjuring a sense of reassurance and respect. Such opening lines may come in the shape of “I’m seeking your guidance …” or “could we discuss…” or “might it be possible for us…”
Such conversation starters suggest you have respect for your new colleague’s experience, opinion, and judgment. They offer reassurance that this is not an invitation to struggle but a genuine effort to build understanding and reach compromise.
Humanize the Message
Because e-mail can be a cold and impersonal mode of communication, think of ways to humanize the message, especially if you have yet to meet the new colleague in person. For example, you may start the e-mail by welcoming them to the team and attach a photo of the team from the holiday party.
Carefully Review Before You Send
After you have finished a draft, build in the time—ideally, an hour or two—to see it with fresh eyes and reflect. Printing out the message and reading it aloud is likely to give you a valuable perspective. You might even have a trusted mentor look it over and share observations.
2. CHOOSE A NEUTRAL LOCATION
If you want to have a productive, collaborative talk, you need neutral ground. Barriers to an effective communication are often unseen, and location can physically represent those invisible obstacles.
The office, intrinsically a place of power, can be the least conducive to a fruitful conflict-management process—especially if you’re meeting in your own office or your colleague’s.
Suggest getting a coffee in the cafeteria or taking a walk outside. If you meet in an open, impartial space, you are both likely to feel more of a sense of comfort, privacy, and freedom.
3. APPROACH THE CONVERSATION STRATEGICALLY
Consider Your Colleague’s Interests and Potential Points of Alignment
Now it’s time to prepare for the conversation, and again, empathy is important. You are more likely to have a constructive conversation if you first consider what your colleague’s interests and needs may be.
With these in mind, you have an opportunity to identify potential joint and divergent interests before the conversation even begins.
Next, Be Prepared to Listen—Strategically
You can open the conversation by suggesting that your colleague speak first, then you’ll take a turn.
This gives you the opportunity to search for overlaps in interests, for words, images, and vignettes that may allow you to start building bridges across seemingly high barriers. Perhaps you share an alma mater, home state, or favorite sports team. Openings can come in all forms if you are genuinely interested in discovering a common ground. By being curious about ways you can connect, you are more likely to build trust and garner respect.
In addition to seeking commonalities, be on the lookout for possible asymmetries as well. Misaligned interests can be advantageous. For example, in a workplace situation, perhaps you enjoy conceiving new projects and overseeing the discovery phase, whereas your colleague thrives on managing the project execution. Be mindful of such opportunities to divide tasks, and you can work together for mutual benefit.
When it’s your turn in the conversation, you can find ways to share your perspective while also bridging the gaps. Of course, none of these approaches are easy—especially in emotionally charged situations. They also take time: conflict-management is a process, not an event.
But if you employ these strategies with sincerity, you can transcend the immediate tension and move the relationship toward a more productive stage.
by EUGENE B. KOGAN Eugene B. Kogan, Ph.D., is the research director of Harvard University’s American Secretaries of State Project. He’s an expert in coercive negotiations and power dynamics, and Dr. Kogan previously served as a Stanton Postdoctoral Fellow at Harvard Kennedy School’s Belfer Center for Science and International Affairs.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-10-10 13:26:362019-10-11 09:04:233 Effective Strategies to Manage Workplace Conflict
It’s difficult to calculate the exact cost of difficult behaviours in the workplace, but they can have a significant impact.
Even one toxic person in a team can greatly reduce productivity and effectiveness of the rest of the team due to the time spent trying to deal with, or work around, the difficult individual.
Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to retain control, no matter what or who you’re facing. For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444
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There was time when I felt somewhat proud of myself for having good relationships with people around me. I was truly happy for those doing well and not feeling jealousy or envy. For those who were not doing well or making mistakes, I was able to feel their pain and wished them happiness. I thought I made great progress in developing love and compassion. One day my friend asked me “You know what? It seems like you keep only ‘good people’ around you; people whom you like and who like you. Maybe that’s why your relationships are going well. What do you think?” At first I was skeptical, but it didn’t take long for me to admit that she was right. I kept myself in a comfort zone only with my favorable people thinking that my love and compassion had grown stronger. My love, joy and compassion were genuine and abundant for those I like but not for the others. Then, I recalled Sotaesan’s words: “Who wouldn’t love a good person? To love a hateful person is the practice of what we call great loving-kindness and great compassion.” (The Scriptures of Won Buddhism, p. 392)
I think it’s fair to say that we want to be with people around whom we feel comfortable and safe. However, when it comes to ‘spiritual practice’, as Sotaesan pointed out, we need to take one step further to cultivate love and compassion not only for our loved ones but also for those we find difficult and even hateful. It has to be done by embracing, not by dividing people around us. This reflection was a clear call for me to challenge myself with ‘real’ practice of love and compassion toward those I find difficult.
Dealing with difficult people is an inevitable part of our lives. No matter what we do and where we are, we can always find someone or a group of people we hate and blame for problems. We are often divided by gender, race, sexual orientation, political, and/or religious affiliation. Unfortunately, as a consequence, many individuals and communities suffer from frictions caused by intolerance of those visible differences. Recent FBI statistics show that hate crimes in the United States increased last year. This is an alarming increase and we need to do something about it.
As a Buddhist, I find an answer from Buddha’s words: “Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love. This is an ancient truth.” (Dhammapada #5) With that said, in Buddhism we see love and compassion as an antidote to hatred. Yet, this is the universal wisdom from many awakened individuals and religions. Religious scholar, Karen Armstrong also points out that the practice of compassion is central to all world religions, in the form of the golden rule.
“Hatred ceases through love.” “Love your enemies.” It’s easier said than done. In order to put this into my practice, I had to ask myself why I should cultivate love and compassion even for those who deceive others and cause more harm. I thought they don’t deserve such love and compassion and it’s almost against to the law of cause and effect. So when someone treated me disrespectfully, my response was to give the same disrespect if not more. When I saw people causing harm, I literally wished them to suffer as a result of their own actions.
But over the years of my reflection, I realized that ‘an eye for an eye’ attitude tends to perpetuate the cycle of hatred, rather than solve the underlying, fundamental problems. And it was never a good or right feeling to treat someone with hate or disrespect. In this regard, I strongly agree with Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. as he wrote, “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” So I made a commitment to stand by the golden rule: love and compassion. Setting my intention to the practice of love and compassion put my mind at ease. Wising others to be happy and free from suffering feels much better than wishing others to suffer. It just feels right. But it doesn’t mean easy. That’s why it’s called practice.
In the practice of love and compassion especially towards difficult people, one thing I find very important to remember is that unskillful and harmful behaviors come from a place of suffering and ignorance. When we are at peace with a sense of security and content, there is no room for hate, jealousy or resentment. In this regard, if we try hard to look deep into people who carry destructive actions, we can see their inner chaos and suffering. And people behave according to their own understanding of right and wrong. I’ve done things that I believed would bring happiness, but ended up causing more problems. Now I see it was my self-centered view and ignorance that fueled unskillful actions. I think we can all relate to this: our own suffering and ignorance lead us to destructive actions causing so much harm for ourselves and others. This simple recognition of where our behaviors originate from helps to open our heart and embrace difficult people. Embracing difficult people doesn’t mean we agree with their harmful actions, but it means that we create inner space to wish them happiness and wisdom, which will ultimately bring greater peace to all of us.
One last note I’d like to share with you is dharma words from Sotaesan. It’s a helpful reminder:
A wholesome person teaches the world through his wholesomeness, but the unwholesome person awakens the world through his unwholesomeness. The service of teaching and awakening the world is the same, but a wholesome person does his work for the world while gaining blessings for himself and unwholesome person does his while creating transgression for himself. Thus, we should pity the unwholesome person rather than hating him. (The Scriptures of Won Buddhism, p. 363)
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-09-06 10:12:392019-09-10 10:08:42Love & Compassion Towards Difficult People: It’s Not Easy But It’s Worth It.
We’ve all been there. Be it work, school or Thanksgiving dinner, we’ve all found ourselves in situations where we have been forced to interact with people we find to be “difficult”. For many of us, we’d rather eat glass than have to deal with challenging people like this but how we survive and, dare I say thrive, in these situations can separate us from the pack in both business and in life.
Identifying Difficult People.
Difficult people can take many forms. “Difficulty” can manifest itself in quite a few ways, oftentimes, including people who spread rumors, who find the negative in everything, those who rarely cooperate, or who don’t value the input and opinions of others. They may find every opportunity to create problems or they may simply use passive resistance to waylay your best efforts to move your agenda forward.
At the end of the day, defining “difficult” is a uniquely personal thing. What is challenging to me may be a breeze for you. Understanding your personality, preferences, and triggers can help you to recognize the types of people and situations that irritate you.
David Brown describes several types of difficult people and how their behaviors serve to irritate others like a course grade of sandpaper:
Perfectionists. If you are looking for quick results, perfectionists can be a source of frustration.
Control freaks. When you want to do things your way, overly controlling types can be a source of irritation as well.
Creative people. They’re essential if generating ideas is the plan but can cause frustration when you just want to get to delivering a simple result.
Shapers: Although shapers may seek to take over as and when they see fit, they can really help drive action.
Aggressive or defensive people. Assertion can help move a group forward. Aggression or defensiveness can have the opposite effect on a group’s dynamic.
Submissive people. The lack of confidence and fear of failure that many submissive types display can be a source of frustration as well.
Identifying the Issue.
Turning the situation inward and analyzing your triggers and reactions to these situations can help you to be prepared and self-aware when they arise. Elizabeth B. Brown shares several questions that you may want to reflect on in order to help you understand the root issue of why that person at work or in life is making you insane:
What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
How do you react to a difficult person in your life?
How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
Are you the difficult person driving others to reactive behavior?
How do others react to your actions and responses?
Feeding into our frustrations when dealing with a difficult person can become a vicious cycle. We tend to see or hear an interaction and then interpret that action based, not on fact, but on our assumptions. Then we react. Unfortunately, we usually don’t have all of the information as to why an individual may be showing up the way they are and, in the absence of factual information, we tend to fill in the blanks with our own theories about what might be going on.
Mitigating These Situations.
In order to help prevent this from happening it can be extremely helpful to separate the facts from our assumptions. Additionally, it can be beneficial to separate ourselves and our reactions from the negative emotions we may be feeling in the moment. This is easier said than done but those of us who are able to get to this place can better arm themselves with the superpower of having meaningful and productive interactions even with people who make us cringe. Tony Schwartz recommends using three different lenses to look at the world:
The lens of realistic optimism.
Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly.
What are the facts in this situation?
What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts? What do I really want as an outcome?
The reverse lens.
This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself:
What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?
Where’s my responsibility in all this?
It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.
The long lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She invariably takes credit for your work. When this occurs, begin with this question:
Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?
When dealing with difficult people, regardless of type, there are steps you can take to make the best of the situation and work to find a productive outcome.
Managing your reactions.
It is all about breathing. Slow, deep breathing actually triggers something at the bottom of your spine called the Vegus nerve, which sends neurotransmitters to brain that actually calm you down.
Then, take a moment to reflect on how you feel. Ask yourself questions about how you can respond to difficult person, or how you can create a good outcome from the situation. While this seems like overkill, this is an essential step to getting your brain out of its instinctual response (things like sharpness, negativity, and defensiveness). Forcing yourself to think of ways to create a good outcome makes your brain go into a more positive mode of thinking.
Leveraging some self-control.
Know yourself. Having a clear sense of self, what causes you tension and where your limits are can serve you well when interacting with people that you find to be difficult. Staying calm and developing your awareness and emotional intelligence skills can help you to manage your reactions to frustrating situations.
Seek to understand the situation. Gaining some clarity by asking questions while managing your own reactions can serve to help find a mutually satisfactory outcome. Reflecting on what you would determine as a satisfactory outcome before getting into an interaction with a difficult person can help you maintain focus on what really matters.
Stick to the facts and acknowledge emotions. Using examples and stating facts as opposed to interpretations can help keep interactions with people you find difficult in check. Paraphrasing and checking for accurate understanding can also show that you hear what people are saying and that you are doing your level best to work effectively with them. Responding and stating your emotions or the impact that the person is having on you based on their behavior, if delivered correctly, can sometimes be the nudge that someone needs to realize that they are rubbing you the wrong way.
Seek the advice of others. You’re not alone in this. You are not the only person who has ever had to productively interact with a difficult person. Seeking out the advice of others or finding someone to help coach you through it can be quite beneficial. Sometimes, talking it out can help you reframe the situation to a place where you can facilitate a more positive outcome.
Keep records, if necessary. Sometimes, things can be so abrasive that you run the risk of hitting an end-state that you never intended. If things are to the point where interactions are toxic, it may be time to start making intentional effort to begin documenting things. If things go south, at least you have a good record of what led to that place.
What Do You Do When None of This Works?
So, you’ve tried everything and you are set on a course of realizing that nothing is going to work. At the end of the day, my colleague Shawn Overcast said it best in an article she penned entitled, Weathering the Organizational Storm– Take care of yourself.
By modeling well-being practices, you not only do good for your own mind and body, but you eliminate second-hand stress for all those around you. Think about the classic instruction we all receive when preparing to take-off on an airplane, ‘secure your own mask before assisting others.’ If you haven’t taken care of yourself, you won’t have the clarity or energy to help those around you. One way to intentionally take care of yourself is to practice mindfulness, if even for a few minutes at a time. The field of psychology gives us research that focusing the mind promotes calmness, reduces anxiety, and increases productivity. And more and more business examples tell us that it matters to our organizational performance too.
The speed of the world around us can put any number of stressors on us and the people with whom we interact. Unfortunately, we all handle stress differently and it can often manifest in ways that are unproductive when dealing with others in our lives. When faced with such people, having a clear understanding of how you react and what tools you can employ to attempt to keep things productive can mean the difference between success and a painful, annoying and awkward failure.
Article By, Chris Cancialosi
I’m a partner and founder of gothamCulture, a management consulting firm that empowers leaders to drive change in their organizations through the lens of culture and strategy. My extensive experience in both internal and external consulting roles, as well as leadership roles as a U.S. battalion operations officer and Blackhawk helicopter pilot, afford me a unique perspective on shaping effective leaders, entrepreneurs, and workplace cultures in today’s rapidly changing business environment.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-08-30 13:19:562019-09-05 12:31:28A Guide To Dealing With Difficult People
Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to avoid working with at least some difficult (if not some extremelydifficult) people. You might find them in senior leadership, among your peers or even among your clients. They can have an impact on your motivation, stress, absenteeism and morale. In extreme cases, they might even have a financial impact if your business must incur cascading management, legal and human resources costs.
Perhaps your difficult person does not cause you complete agony, but the effects of having to manage a relationship with these types of co-workers can take a significant toll on your productivity, focus and emotional well-being. While we will never be able to completely avoid difficult people, I’ve developed five strategies as a coach to help you deal with them gracefully:
1. Examine yourself first.
This is generally the most difficult (but also most important) step of any problem: Check yourself, and ask how you might be contributing to the issue at hand. For example, is the problem the other person’s actions, or your reaction? Ask yourself truthfully, are you overreacting in any way? Do you see any patterns or typical hot buttons for yourself? It can often be a challenge to look at your place in any conflict objectively, so ask a third party, such as an unbiased co-worker, for feedback to really understand the reality of the situation without the coloring of ego and emotion.
2. Learn empathy.
Instead of being defensive, see the difficult person as a person. Try to understand where he or she is coming from. What does that person need that he or she isn’t getting? Perhaps it’s to be seen, heard, acknowledged or recognized. Many of us have likely been there before; we might have even been the difficult person on the other side. Instead of ruminating on how you can get back at them, ask yourself how you can help them. Even if you still believe they’re in the wrong, how can you create a win-win situation now that you have an understanding of where they’re coming from?
3. Don’t take it personally.
It’s important to remind yourself that you likely aren’t the cause of someone else’s demeanor. Recently, I was working with a client who was newly promoted and assigned a new team. She planned a team-building session but was nervous to facilitate the day because she was worried about how to keep everyone engaged and open. Shortly after the day started, one of the team members seemed oblivious to the conversation and was tethered to her phone.
My client was furious. Not only did it feel disrespectful, but it also triggered her own insecurities about facilitating the group. But, at the morning break, my client asked (rather than accused) the team member if something was wrong. The woman explained that she was dealing with a serious family issue, and after their conversation, both agreed that this team member should leave to be with her family.
The situation had nothing to do with my client. How often might this be the case in your workplace? Someone might be behaving in a way you do not appreciate, not because of you, but because they are struggling with something else. Everyone you know might have something going on in their personal lives you are unaware of, so be kind.
4. Become proactive.
What happens when someone takes credit for your work or yells at you? You likely become angry or upset. The problem is, most of us can end up spending valuable mental, emotional and physical energy stuck this way. It’s totally draining and only ends up hurting you in the long run.
So how can you take a more proactive approach? Focus on what you want. Be clear about your own career objectives, know what you want to accomplish in the next one or two years, and recognize the roles those around you play. The more you focus your actions and attention on what you want to accomplish, the more the difficult people gently fade into white noise in the background.
5. Find the solution.
Finally, when things get tough, fight the urge to flee. Instead, challenge yourself to be constructive and solutions-oriented. It might not be easy, but if you approach the problem with curiosity, ask open-ended questions, and truly listen with an open mind and without judgment — you might find the answer was simpler than you expected. State your objectives, acknowledge their position, ask for their suggestions, and never lose sight of your wider perspective.
Sometimes, we are able to choose the people with whom we work, but more often than not, those decisions are made for us. And while we can’t always change the cards we’re dealt, we can take responsibility for how we engage with others. Ask yourself what each person can teach you — especially those you struggle with the most. Stepping up and choosing to approach challenging people with compassion and understanding, rather than frustration and resentment, can only make you a better leader and teammate at the end of the day.
Starla Sireno is an executive coach and leadership consultant helping leaders leverage their innate strengths to increase their impact.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-08-23 13:02:342019-08-23 13:05:29How To Deal With Difficult People In The Workplace
Everyone has their own definition of what’s messy and what’s not. Some people are able to tolerate more clutter and mess, whereas others like to have everything neat and tidy at all times. This isn’t too much of a problem when these cleaning habits are limited to the privacy of one’s home. However, it can be a real issue when it encroaches on a shared work space where everyone has different ideals. Here are seven tips for dealing with untidy and messy people at work.
Seek to understand the underlying issue
There’s usually a link between people’s environment and their mental and emotional space. Therefore, simply asking someone to clean up their workspace probably won’t solve the problem for good. It’s important to understand why your colleague is messy. Is there something going on for them personally? Do they struggle to focus? Are they lacking clear goals to work towards? When you understand the underlying issue, you can seek to address it with the right approach and help the person make a long-term change that will benefit them in both their work and personal life.
Encourage a recycling program
If your office doesn’t already recycle, introduce a recycling program to encourage employees to put their paper and glass recyclables in the bin. Educate team members on what should be recycled, like paper, cardboard, tins, plastic containers and glass, and what shouldn’t, like food waste, food-tainted items, coffee cups, plastic bags, foil and more. By doing this, you will lift the office cleaning standards for the whole team. It’s just like the saying goes, ‘a rising tide lifts all boats!’
Move away from paper processes
Some employees may appear more messy than others simply because they are dealing with a heavy volume of paper. This might be the case for anyone who works in administration or who handles purchasing, invoices or contracts. There are plenty of state-of-the-art software solutions that businesses can implement to get rid of paper once and for all. These systems, often cloud based, reduce paper waste by allowing team members to collaborate, edit and share documents in real-time from wherever they are. By making the most of the latest technology solutions, your business will decrease clutter while improving efficiency and decreasing its carbon footprint – it’s a win win!
Have a regular office cleaning day
If more than one person’s workspace has fallen into a mess, or if other areas of the office are untidy, plan an office cleaning day. Supply snacks and lunch, turn on music and encourage employees to wear casual clothes. At the end of the day, you’ll not only have a tidy workplace but also a more bonded team and plenty of fun memories.
Conquer clutter with the box method
If clutter continues to be a problem, implement the box tidying method. This works by giving each employee a box to sit on their desk. At the end of the day, every employee must put any loose items like paper, pens, staplers or notebooks in the box. This encourages employees to get in the habit of keeping their workspace tidy, and keeps the entire office free from clutter.
Have a conversation
If an employee’s lack of cleanliness is impacting on other people’s health, wellbeing and efficiency, it’s time to have a conversation with them. If you’re not the boss, then it’s important to notify a manager to allow them to do the talking. Addressing the person’s behaviour and explaining why it is detrimental to other employees should encourage them to change their habits.
Relocate the employee
If a particular employee continues to cause a mess in the workplace after being spoken to, it might be time to consider relocating that employee to a different area. If all else fails, management may need to step in to give the employee a formal warning. This should clearly explain that the employee must clean up their act if they are to keep working in the office.
Untidiness not only leaves an eyesore in the workplace but also affects productivity and can ultimately be detrimental to your business’ bottom line. The best way to handle messiness at work is to deal with it quickly so you can get back to doing the work that matters the most – serving your customers and clients.
Article By,
Lara Blanco
Clean Focus Services
Head of Customer Happiness
Culture happiness centric individual with the belief that happy teams make happy customers, which in turn makes everyone happy. I also know a thing or two about cleaning 🙂
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-08-09 11:50:072019-08-13 08:41:16How to Deal with Untidy and Messy People at Work
People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.
Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.
Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.
It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.
What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.
So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.
You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:
Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.
The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.
Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.
Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.
Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”
Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.
There are three steps to this.
Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”
Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.
Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control. .
About the Author(s)
Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com, or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-08-08 10:44:362019-08-08 10:44:36Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People
Modern workplaces don’t always bring out the best in people. Corinne Mills explains how to deal with awkward colleagues
Workplace dilemmas: dealing with a difficult colleague
Dealing with difficult and confrontational behaviour at work
Looking for a job? Explore the range of vacancies on Guardian Jobs and find the perfect role for you
A grumpy boss, whiny colleague or a petulant customer: all recognisable characters from the everyday drama of work. Modern workplaces can be fraught, so it’s perhaps not surprising that it doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Thankfully fistfights at work are rare. However, we’ve probably all experienced a time when the destructive behaviour of a colleague or boss has left us reeling.
So if there is someone behaving badly in your workplace, here are some tips to help.
Remember that we’re all human
It’s important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So patience and some time may be all that is needed for the individual to get themselves through a sticky patch. Rather than a knee-jerk response to their bad behaviour, instead ask them how they are as you want to make sure they are OK. This is incredibly disarming – and as they see that your aim is to be supportive and not a threat, they may well decide to see you as an ally rather than an adversary.
Be upfront with others
Some people are not very self-aware so maybe you just need to tell them constructively what the problem is or what you need from them. For instance, if a colleague is making barbed comments in your direction, then take them to one side, and ask them why. They’ll either be apologetic as they genuinely didn’t realise it was a problem, or they’ll make some excuse or even try to counter-accuse. Either way, they’ll know it will be risky for them to attempt this again without you hauling them up on it and perhaps escalating it further.
Manage your expectations
It might be a customer making unreasonable demands, your colleague expecting emails to be answered at midnight or your boss continually dumping urgent work on your desk just as you are heading for the exit. Choose a quiet moment when you can talk to them about their expectations and agree on how you can best work together, including what you can and can’t do, realistic timeframes and, if needed, a system for dealing with urgent issues. Having this conversation ahead of time enables a far more rational discussion about what’s needed, rather than one in the heat of a last minute panic.
Be tolerant of different approaches
Every team needs a mix of different personalities and approaches – the pessimist who will point out the flaw in the plan, the ideas person who challenges the status quo, the “do-er” who is impatient with discussion and wants to get things happening. So maybe your nemesis at work is simply someone whose approach is different from yours. Your styles may clash but that doesn’t mean to say they are dysfunctional – in fact it might be just what the team needs.
Observe them closely. How does their approach compare with yours? Are they a detailed person, glass half full or empty, task orientated or relationship focused? Then adjust your style when you communicate with them. For example, if they tend to be a nitpicking pessimist, then they may be more receptive to your ideas if you focus on which might be the least worst of possible scenarios and supply lots of detail. Read up on neuro-linguistic programming to find out how to build rapport and influence the thinking of individuals with very different thinking styles.
Handle aggression assertively
If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it’s OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.
Be mindful of psychological health issues
When an individual continually behaves in a way that is problematic or destructive, then the roots often lie deeper than whatever is happening at work. People are complex and it’s worth remembering that according to Mind statistics, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. So where their behaviour seems emotionally charged or oddly disproportionate to the issue at hand, it may be that there are more deep-seated psychological issues at play.
Sometimes just keeping your cool, using logic and rational argument will be sufficient to de-escalate a situation. However, someone needs to have an honest and supportive conversation with them about what is happening. This may be you or you may need to bring it to the attention of someone else in the organisation to deal with. Organisations on the whole are becoming more aware of their responsibilities to support individuals with mental health issues.
Seek alternative methods as a last resort
Where you’ve tried everything you can to improve a difficult relationship at work but the individual still seems hell bent on making you miserable, then it’s time to look at your options. You could try and ride it out, forge some allies, avoid them where you can and become adept at “covering your back”. You could consider raising a grievance or formal complaint about their behaviour but these rarely end in dismissal so you may still find yourself working with them – and yes, they going to be very angry with you.
The sad reality is that sometimes you come across individuals at work who are psychopathic in their behaviour. Utterly ruthless, these individuals are incredibly resilient, fearless and not constrained by ethics or a moral code. Beware if they have you in their sights, because they are smart, manipulative, very plausible and have no compunction about causing damage.
By the time you’ve wised up to their true behaviour they may already have engineered to get rid of you or beaten you into submission. Will you win against them – unlikely! At least not unless you are prepared to play a similar no holds barred game. It might just be better to run and don’t look back.
These are my tips but have you found any others that worked for you? Drop us a line in the comments below to share your thoughts.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-07-09 08:46:242019-07-09 08:46:24How to deal with difficult people at work
Have you ever stayed at work to get a rush job done only to be told that a last-minute extension was granted? Have you had a co-worker or supervisor take credit for work you did? How about having someone dump all the work on your lap because “they don’t have time?”
Getting angry at work is common. We know we aren’t supposed to get angry. We know we are supposed to be in better control of our emotions. We understand all the talk about being professional. It still happens.
Anger can be a self-destructive emotion when it is out of proportion to the situation or when it is expressed inappropriately. It seems that every time you open a computer or watch the news, we see yet another person who has overreacted to a situation and used violence to deal with their anger.
Anger has been called an adaptive emotion, which means that it is often a red flag, hiding other emotions such as fear or insecurity. That’s why it is crucial to be conscious of our anger. It may be (and probably is) hiding other emotions that are just as important to identify, and potentially easier to deal with.
Most of us were taught we are not allowed to be angry, but we weren’t taught what to do about it when we are.
Last night, while having dinner with friends, Ann was telling us a story about how her four-year-old granddaughter got up from the dinner table and went to sit on the stairs. When asked why, she explained that she was angry at Daddy and needed a moment to cool down. At school, they taught her that when she wasn’t “green” (meaning calm and relaxed), she needed to find a way to calm herself down. She explained that she was “red’ at the moment and knew the best thing was to step away, take a few calming breaths, and get back to green. From a four-year-old!
Brilliant. A four-year-old can articulate and deal with a frustrating situation better than most 40-year-olds!
What makes you angry? Does a particular person or situation push your buttons? Knowing where your buttons are can help you avoid situations or prepare yourself because you see them coming.
Here are some techniques to handle your anger before it gets out of control:
– Keep a written log of your anger for a week. Include what makes you angry, who makes you angry, how you express it, your anger’s duration, and any thoughts that accompany it.
By being aware of your anger, you can learn to deal with it directly. When we are not mindful of our anger, we run the risk of taking our anger out on people who have nothing to do with the situation.
– Take several deep breaths before responding to the situation. We need to calm our heart rate, our pulse, and our minds so that we don’t further escalate the situation.
– Ask yourself, “Is it worth getting upset about?” If it truly is, ask yourself what is the best way for you to deal with this situation. Should you back away and respond tomorrow? Should you speak up in the moment? What should you say? How should you say it?
Everyone gets angry from time to time. The key is not to ignore it – rather, to accept it, deal with it appropriately, and learn from it.
I like the approach of walking away from the situation to get myself back to “green.” When I’m “green,” I have better clarity on what I should say or do. When I’m “red,” I am emotional and not professional.
Hope you’re having a green day today!
Article By, Rhonda Scharf
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-05-31 11:28:232019-05-31 11:31:19Managing Anger At Work
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-05-23 11:48:172019-05-23 11:49:33How to Deal with a Toxic Boss
Everyone wants to work in a friendly and productive environment, but sometimes even one bad co-worker can make getting your job done seem near impossible.
Psychologist Amy Cooper Hakim, an expert on employer-employee relationships, says this is a problem many people face.
“The biggest issues stem from improper communication, poor tactics,” Hakim tells CNBC. “We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.”
In a revised version of the book “Working With Difficult People, ” which was originally written by Hakim’s grandmother, Hakim details how to deal with virtually every type of exhausting co-worker, including bosses and subordinates.
Here are few types of difficult co-workers, along with some tips on how to handle them:
1. Tacklers
A “tackler” is a coworker who attacks you personally while arguing an issue, according to Hakim.
“These colleagues are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration and tackle you instead of the problem,” she writes.
Don’t stop suggesting great ideas just because you have a co-worker like this. Try to move the emphasis away from people and back to the issue or idea, the psychologist suggests. Or talk with the co-worker privately.
“Say that you’d like to have a better relationship and ask how she thinks you might be able to resolve your differences,” Hakim writes.
If that tactic still doesn’t work, consider your options. Hakim advises that if the tackler has many friends in high places, try to just concentrate on doing your job and make more friends, as an ongoing feud could hurt your ability to advance.
If, on the other hand, the situation is truly unbearable, get help.
“For those circumstances where you cannot handle a hostile colleague alone, quickly contact the appropriate resources to get the help that you need,” she writes.
2. Enviers
“These peers are resentful,” Hakim writes. “They want what you have. More than that, they believe they should have what you have.”
Even a simple “Congratulations” can feel insincere or even hostile. So what do you do? Limit your communication with that kind of co-worker and do your part to keep your talks friendly, advises the psychologist.
If the envious coworker starts to attack you personally, Hakim suggests you try to guide the conversation back to the issue at hand, taking emotion out of the conversation.
You could say something like, “C’mon, Blake, I don’t want to argue about that. We can be civil to each other.” If the situation doesn’t change, leave.
Oftentimes, Hakim writes, these co-workers are lashing out because they’re insecure about their own jobs. Encouraging co-workers to find a project or skill that excites them could be a great way to deflect any negative feelings.
If things escalate to the point where you can no longer do your job effectively, consider talking with an HR manager or your supervisor.
3. Intimidators
This is the office version of the middle-school bully. Intimidators get you to do what they want by implying they can embarrass you or hurt your career.
It’s important to remember, though, that the status of the person matters: “An intimidating boss who can fire you has real power over you; an intimidating colleague has perceived power, ” Hakim writes.
To feel more comfortable when dealing with this type of co-worker, the psychologist suggests you rehearse responses, such as, “You’re not serious, are you?” or “I don’t feel totally comfortable with that.”
You can stand up for yourself and be assertive without sounding angry.
Create a kind of bubble, the psychologist suggests. Imagine a barrier between you and the co-worker that protects you from his threats. Put as much actual physical space as possible between yourself and the negative person, too.
Keeping an electronic record of interactions between you and the “intimidator” could also be helpful in case you need to discuss the issue with a supervisor or HR manager.
4. Imposers
You helped a co-worker get acclimated to the office or with a difficult project and she won’t stop knocking on your door.
“Imposers take unfair advantage of your time, talent and good nature,” Hakim writes. “Colleagues such as these are just plain self-centered and inconsiderate of others.”
The simplest solution is to apologize, say that you are too backed up with your own work and then decline to help. You could suggest she reach out to another co-worker or supervisor.
You can say something like, “I’m sorry, Maya, I can see you’re in a bind, but I can’t help you because I’m so far behind in my own work. Maybe Sebastian isn’t as busy and can help?”
A key takeaway
With any negative working situation, if you feel like you cannot handle the issue yourself or truly feel in danger, do not be afraid to ask for help. A bad co-worker doesn’t mean that you should dread going to work. And more often than not, the issue can be resolved, according to Hakim.
“It’s to everyone’s benefit to fix these problems,” the psychologist tells CNBC.
You can ask a sympathetic co-worker for his or her advice, meet with an HR manager or talk to your boss. Try to separate your emotion from how you communicate. For more detailed tips, check out Hakim’s book.
If you need a little inspiration, check out a career strategist’s tips for dealing with a job you hate.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-04-17 10:30:462019-04-17 10:31:254 types of difficult co-workers and how to deal with them without losing your mind
Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.
One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.
Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.
Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.
Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.
So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.
First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.
Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.
In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:
Different cultures and assumptions
Differing values, opinions and beliefs
Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
Poor people skills, especially communication
Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
Limits on resources, physical and psychological
So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:
Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution
Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?
As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.
And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.
Are you caught in a conflict at work? What are the roots of that conflict? Do you feel that you, your manager or your colleagues are dealing with it effectively? If not, what are your suggestions?
Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?
Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.
This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.
“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”
The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.
The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.
Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.
The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”
Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.
Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”
The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.
It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”
Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.
Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.
The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.
When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”
How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?
My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.
Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.
Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working. Become a fan of The Energy Projecton Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-03-04 11:50:132019-03-04 11:50:13The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You
Troublesome people can offer your best chance to shine
After 15 years in retail management, Lynnette Vyles was done. She was scared because she didn’t have another job lined up, but the constant stream of rude customers had become too much to bear.
“I had never just turned in my keys and left a job,” Vyles said. “I had always given at least two weeks’ notice when resigning, but I was at a point in my life that I just couldn’t take any more.”
Vyles recalled one grueling interaction with a customer who was trying to return clothing that was at least a year old. The clothes had been washed, the tags had long been removed, and the customer had no receipts. Yet she insisted on exchanging her old stuff for brand new garments.
“I first asked the customer why she was returning so much clearly worn merchandise. Her answer was, ‘Because my kids need new stuff.’ I was floored,” Vyles said.
Vyles patiently explained the company’s return policy, but the customer kept pushing to get her way. First, she started yelling. Then she began hurling insults and merchandise at Vyles. Another manager was called in to address the situation, but the customer’s anger continued to escalate. It took an arrest to stop her tirade.
“She refused to leave, stating I was violating her civil rights as a customer by refusing to return the merchandise. I told her I was not refusing, I was simply not going to give her back full price since she did not have receipts,” Vyles said.
When The Customer Is Wrong
Anyone who works with the general public likely has similar stories of nightmare clients and awful customers—people who expect everything, yet give nothing but grief in return. They can be cruel, quick to anger, and stretch our patience to the breaking point.
Social interactions are supposed to be civil. If there is a dispute, we should be able to work it out in a reasonable fashion. But what do we do when we’re faced with someone who defies reason? And how do they get that way?
Vyles believes the culture of modern retail—where the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong—contributes to the type of behavior she’s been forced to confront.
“People know that if they yell loud enough and make enough of a scene they will get what they want,” she said.
But it’s more than just the retail environment. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and psychology professor at California State University–Los Angeles, there are a number of social developments eroding our civility.
“Empathy has gone the way of the 8-track, and kindness has become a unicorn,” Durvasula said. “This is the psychological equivalent of global warming. It’s a slow burn that is destroying us.”
Errant Self Esteem
Psychologists used to worry about people suffering from low self-esteem, but now there is a growing concern of the opposite problem. In a world of selfies, social media, and heavily promoted dreams of wealth and fame, people have developed an inflated sense of self and will stop at nothing to feed it.
Durvasula is an expert on narcissism—a personality disorder characterized by self obsession and a lack of concern for others. The word comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus: The tale of a beautiful young man who rejected his admirers, but became so enthralled by his own reflection that it totally consumed him.
A fixation on our own desires to the exclusion of everyone else’s is an ancient concept, but Durvasula believes the modern environment is helping it spread like an obnoxious disease. She’s currently working on a book that explores this problem.
“We have incentivized narcissism—manifested via consumerism, materialism, billionaire worship, entitlement, etc.—and are heartbroken when it touches our lives at the individual level,” she said.
We all must carry some self-interest to get along in the world. It allows us to make purposeful decisions, and stand up for our needs. For a narcissist, however, self-interest is the sole motivation.
Although narcissists seem supremely confident in pursuit of their selfishness, Durvasula says they are actually deeply insecure. Her advice for dealing with people who use dirty tactics to meet their needs is to keep our own personal standards high.
“Don’t get into the mud with them. If they are yelling, keep your voice calm. If they insult you, do not engage, just step away,” she said. “Your power comes from being graceful, calm, and serene.”
Under Pressure
Not all the difficult people we encounter are full-blown narcissists. Sometimes we confront otherwise kind people who are just having a bad day.
Dr. Heather Hammerstedt, is a doctor and integrative nutrition coach who works nights at a trauma center. One thing she has observed in her 18 years as an emergency physician is that when people are under stress, civility often flies out the window.
“They are not able to function in their kind adult brain, even when they have a kind adult brain,” Hammerstedt said. “They act in their toddler brain. They literally can’t connect the right and left sides of their brains, and act primitively.”
Whether it’s an irate customer or an obnoxious family member, it can be tough to rise above the insults and screaming when their attack is directed squarely at you. But Durvasula says that when we take this kind of conduct personally, we become defensive, and our own behavior quickly deteriorates.
“Stop taking it personally,” Durvasula said. “When they are tantruming they are no different than toddlers, but you wouldn’t defend yourself to a two-year-old. When a person is difficult and entitled they often lack empathy and simply do not care about the perspective of the other, so stop wasting it on them. It only psychologically exhausts you and doesn’t change the situation.”
So how do you fight the impulse to defend? Paige Harley, a professional relationship coach and mediator specializing in conflict management, urges us to stay on the offensive.
“Listening is an offensive strategy, and it can become a powerful tool,” Harley said. “I ask my clients to cultivate a ‘seek to understand’ mentality. You do not need to agree with the other person, you just need to understand what they are asking for, as this is how solutions are found.”
We can do this most effectively if we set boundaries on what we’re available to do. According to Vyles, the key to handling a difficult person is to stay proactive, not reactive. “I would not react to the tantrum but, rather, tell the customer what I could do to help them,” she said.
Cultivating Compassion
When we are up against rudeness, yelling, and insults, it helps to have a few moments to collect ourselves (a short walk, a few deep breaths) so that we don’t react to a bad situation in a regrettable way.
However, if you can’t step away, and have to keep calm in the face of someone who is losing their cool, try to realize that you are dealing with a tortured soul.
Joy Rains, author of “Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind,” says that when we’re confronted with people who are rude, unreasonable, entitled, or demanding, that’s the time we need to tap into our compassion.
“If an animal was wounded and hurting, you would probably feel compassion for the animal. It’s likely that a person with difficult behavior is also hurting at some level,” Rains said. “If you approach them with compassion, it helps you see that their behavior is likely not about you, it’s about their approach to the world.”
One way to practice compassion is to look at the person as someone with needs and desires just like you. In a perfect world, everyone would possess the skills to meet their needs in constructive and considerate ways. But understand that people in the real world are working with serious deficits when it comes to strategies for getting what they want.
“Realize they’re trying to get their needs met in the best way they know how. Forgive them for not being able to take a perfect approach,” Rains said.
Valuable Lessons
Vanessa Valiente, a personal stylist and fashion blogger in San Diego, says she comes from a family filled with difficult people. But she sees her background more as a blessing than a curse.
“Growing up with, and loving difficult people has been an invaluable lesson that will last a lifetime,” Valiente said.
Valiente believes that people who are quick to anger when they don’t get their way often suffer from deep unhappiness. It’s not so much a sense of entitlement. Instead, they are “blinded by their trauma.”
“They are paying forward any kind of abuse, lack of control, neglect or abandonment they have experienced, especially in their most formative years. Most don’t realize what they are doing,” she said. “Those who do realize what they are doing most likely don’t know why they are doing it.”
Valiente’s number one rule in dealing with difficult people is to be kind and professional.
“Be decisive about your kindness, smile strong, don’t let them see you waiver, and be efficient in accommodating their requests,” she said. “This works 99 percent of the time,”
If the person still won’t budge, Valiente suggests adopting a tougher attitude.
“Tough does not mean rude or passive-aggressive,” she said. “Tough means turn off the smile and turn up the efficiency. Be clear with your expectations, use fewer words, and get the job done.”
Valiente remembers one time where she was working on a television show when the main actress refused to wear what the costume designer had picked out. The actress ranted endlessly about her “ugly outfit,” and all the other things that annoyed her about the set, but Valiente was responsible for keeping the production on schedule. So she dropped the nice persona and got down to business.
“In a very firm voice, with no smile, I said, ‘We are all hot. We are all working really hard long hours. I am the first one here and the last to leave. Now, I understand you don’t want to wear this outfit, so just tell me what you want to wear and I will make it happen,’” Valiente said.
The actress immediately deflated, apologized, and told Valiente exactly what she wanted to wear. “As I walked this actress to set, she genuinely thanked me. And we got back to work,” Valiente said.
Unfortunately, even if we do everything right, some people still can’t be reasoned with. A few may even become more difficult the better we behave. However, the example you set for bystanders can still be a win.
When Vyles was dealing with the woman trying to return her clothes, the other customers standing nearby took notice. They told the arresting officers about how calm she remained. The next day, one of those customers came in with a gift.
“This customer was so upset by what she saw and impressed with my handling of the situation that she wanted to come back and give me a cake to enjoy,” Vyles remembers. “She said that she felt like I might enjoy something sweet instead of something ugly. That was one of the nicest things a customer had ever done for me in my 15 years.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-02-22 13:21:552019-02-22 13:25:54Dealing With Difficult People
Colleagues, coworkers, bosses and so many others can rub you the wrong way and spark feelings like anger or anxiety that can get in the way of doing your job. In the business world, they’re called “difficult” but we often call them by other names.
You’ll run across difficult people (also known as people you don’t see eye-to-eye with) in all walks of life, but it seems like you happen across a lot of them when you’re an engineer, says Paul McWhorter. He’s now a high school electrical engineering teacher in Eldorado, TX, who had worked as an engineer for 20 years.
McWhorter also teaches a high-school class called “Success,” that helps students learn career skills like preparing for a job interview. “If you’re the person who can work with anyone, your career will have a distinct advantage,” he tells students in that class.
Easier said than done of course. How do you become the person who plays well with others, even those displaying less-than-agreeable personality traits? Most experts agree on one piece of advice: See the situation from the so-called difficult person’s point of view. And then, be willing to make yourself vulnerable by revealing something of your true self to the person who is bothering you.
“We’re all someone’s difficult person,” says Monica Wofford, chief executive officer of Contagious Companies, a business coaching and training firm. She’s author of the book, Make Difficult People Disappear: How to Deal with Stressful Behavior and Eliminate Conflict.
For You: How to Mentor Young Engineers
When we perceive others as being difficult, what we’re really seeing is the behavior they use to protect themselves against their perceived aggression or fear. Everyone relies on protective behaviors to one degree or another, Wofford says.
“Maybe you look at the bully who you are aghast is losing her mind in this manner and you ask yourself, ‘What’s really there? What’s the fear behind this behavior?’” Wofford says.
“Or maybe you look at those stuck in analysis paralysis and ask yourself, ‘What are they afraid of if they don’t make the right decision?’”
Identifying what prompts protective behavior can help defuse your own feelings of anger or fear, she adds. Or, as Brian Tracy puts it: “People who attack you have problems because they’re angry or frustrated or want to take advantage of you.”
Tracy has authored more than 70 self-development books, most of them geared for business professionals, including the best-selling Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time.
He advises those in situations with someone who is angry or frustrated to take a deep breath, calm down, and go slow. “Don’t let their anger or frustration affect you,” Tracy says. “Instead, smile. Don’t feed the fire by arguing. Smiling and not saying anything is like a time out.”
When you do say something, ask a question. A good way to take control of a negative situation is to ask a question, Tracy says. You might ask: Why do you say that? Why do you feel that way? How did you come to that point of view?
“Rather than attack, simply ask a question and be about what they’re thinking or feeling,” Tracy says. “Sometimes it turns out they have a good reason for their actions, like they’re misunderstanding or have a difficult problem in their lives.”
Remember, too, that the people we stamp as difficult may better be classed as “different than us,” Wofford says. “The difficulty is not one behavior or another. It’s a collection of things we probably call ‘different’ because they’re different than the way we’d do things,” she says.
“It may be that we have a boss that doesn’t get us and we may not get him or her,” Wofford adds. “We don’t understand their directions and how they function and so we stamp them as difficult. I don’t see difficult people, I see different people,” she says.
Wofford offers a good piece of advice on how to deal with those who are different than us: “Start focusing on how the coworker isn’t really a big pain in your neck and difficult. Start to see your differences and ask about them,” she says.
It’s the asking that makes us vulnerable. The person you’re asking questions of may strike back in anger. But, then again, they may not. Asking questions leads up to a true conversation that helps us better see the other’s point of view and that calms the situation, Wofford says.
In short, it seems that dealing with differences and difficulties comes down to asking questions.
Article by, Jean Thilmany,
Jean Thilmany is an independent writer.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2019-02-08 09:05:282019-02-08 09:05:28How to Deal with Difficult People
We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.
Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.
In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.
“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.
The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.
After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?
Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.
Complainers
Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.
Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.
Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.
When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.
“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”
Cynics
Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.
Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.
Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”
Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.
Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.
Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.
If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”
The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.
Controllers
Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.
Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.
Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”
Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.
Caretakers
Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.
Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.
Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.
“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.
Meridith Levinson covers Careers, Project Management and Outsourcing for CIO.com. Follow Meridith on Twitter @meridith. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline and on Facebook. Email Meridith at mlevinson@cio.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-11-16 05:31:532018-11-16 05:31:53Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People
The sound of her unnecessarily aggressive chewing drives you crazy. You cringe every time he opens his mouth. You cannot remain in one room with her for too long before you get irritated. More often than not, your conversations with him turn into arguments. When you aren’t with her, you find every opportunity to complain about her annoying habits. You dismiss the qualities that other people seem to admire about him, since to you his virtues seem insincere or unimpressive. This person may be your parent, sibling, spouse, roommate, coworker or friend. We all have at least one of them in our lives.
Tension in our close relationships can put a huge strain on our mental and emotional well-being. Thousands of books have been written on the topic and there is hardly a human being who doesn’t wonder how they can make the difficult relationships in their lives just a little bit better. In this essay, we will discuss some of the classic tips and techniques explored in popular self-help books (specifically How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie) and contrast it with the unique approach taken by the fourth Lubavitcher Rebbe (known as the Rebbe Rashab), in his famous essay titled Heichaltzu.
Winning Friends
The first step in the approach that many self-help books take is to study the inherent weaknesses of the people around you, in order to develop techniques for interacting with them effectively. One of the most popular books on the subject is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, a bestseller that has sold over 16 million copies. In his first chapter he presents the principle that he uses as the basis for his suggested techniques for dealing with difficult people: “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity”. In other words, as long as we understand that the people around us are naturally self-centered, irrational and vain, we will be able to get along with them better by simply feeding into their egotism and selfishness.
Carnegie suggests practical tips such as calling others by their first name, speaking in terms of the other person’s interests, smiling, making the other person feel important, and admitting that you are wrong. These are based on the premise that the person you are dealing with is an attention seeking, unreasonable being who can easily be maneuvered if we use the right techniques. Although Carnegie does emphasize at various points in the book that when employing his techniques, they must be ‘sincere’, it is clear that the underlying message of the book is primarily manipulative. This message is evident in his title “How to Win Friends” and is expressed most blatantly at the beginning of chapter 3:
“Personally, I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’ Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?”
Carnegie’s techniques may be useful in persuading people to behave as you please and gaining superficial popularity. However in addition to being both condescending and manipulative, it falls short when trying to apply these techniques to improving a close or long-term relationship in any meaningful way. Employing superficial tricks to manipulate the people around you to your liking does not have any long lasting impact and certainly does not help you develop healthy, close connections with them.
Nothing as Practical as a Good Theory
There are many who study the teachings of Chassidus and claim that they are not practical or relevant to the common person. Chassidus often speaks about esoteric ideas and even the more psychological parts of it seem to have unrealistic expectations. Rabbi Yoel Kahn, a well-known scholar and teacher of Chassidus, once addressed the question of the relevance of Chassidus in the twenty-first century:
“Is the fact that the perimeter of a square is larger than the circumference of the circle inscribed in it, a concept that only exists within the human experience, or is this part of objective reality? Obviously, even if there were no humans in the world, the perimeter of the square would still be larger than the circle. This is a fact that exists regardless of human experience. While it is true that when a person learns a fact like that, it becomes part of his own knowledge and experience, nevertheless it remains a fact even without him.
“The same is true in our personal development. For example, when the Rabbis say “Be humble before every person”, their intention is not just that a person should behave in a humble way in front of another person. In a certain way, one is truly more “lowly” than the other person. It is irrelevant whether the person can sense this or not. It is a fact. The instruction to the person is merely that he meditate on this truth, until his mind reaches the same conclusion, which will then lead to humble thoughts and behavior.”
We often believe that the best way to remedy a situation is by finding concrete, quantifiable steps that will get rid of the symptoms. However, these behaviors merely create the illusion of change, without transforming the person’s underlying perspectives that are at the root of their unhealthy habits. If we are looking for real internal change, we need to remember that there is nothing as practical as a good theory. The approach of Chassidus is to expose us to the truth of reality, so we can shift our perspective on the world and on the people around us. Once we align our thought pattern with that reality, our behavior changes much more naturally and authentically. In the words of the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, “Chassidus did not come to make us more religious, it came to make us wiser.”
Using this approach, we can now look at how Heichaltzu deals with the issue of difficult relationships. Like in other areas of Chassidus, the Rebbe Rashab describes the objective reality, in the hopes that this gained perspective will cause the difficulty in the relationship to dissipate automatically. In contrast to the previous approach, the approach of Chassidus will be about honest introspection , rather than behavioral manipulation.
Taking up Space
Everything in the physical world takes up space. Some take up physical space, some take up emotional or conceptual space. When an object takes up space, by definition, nothing else can stand in its place. The more space an object takes up, the less room there is for anything else. This is true of both physical and metaphysical space. The first thing we need to become aware of when dealing with other people is that by virtue of the fact that we exist, we take up space. The more space we create for our own existence, the less space we leave for the people around us. The more importance we attribute to our own feelings, thoughts, opinions and preferences, the less room there is for someone else to express theirs. The previous Lubavitcher Rebbe records a famous story about a man who complained to the Tzemach Tzedek (3rd Lubavitcher Rebbe), “Everyone in the Beit Midrash (study hall) is stepping on me!” The Tzemach tzedek replied, “When you spread yourself across the entire floor of the Beit Midrash, they have nowhere else to step, except on you.”
The root of our intolerance is the fact that our own ego is suffering from emotional claustrophobia and cannot tolerate having another person invade its space. In the words of the Rebbe Rashab, “His opposition to the other person is not due to a specific quality, but due to the fact the other exists. The other’s existence diminishes his own ego. This then leads him to oppose the other and makes him incapable of tolerating him.” The frustration we have with the people around us doesn’t start from the negative qualities or habits we attribute to them. Those are all justifications we invent once the other person’s presence poses a threat to our own. We then develop defense mechanisms to “protect our space”. Arbitrary mannerisms or habits begin to annoy us, we dismiss any positive qualities the person has, we feel the need to disagree with that person on every issue that arises, we magnify any fault the person has and complain about them to others, we blame the person for anything that goes wrong, we secretly mourn their successes and celebrate their failures. Some of these habits might sound immediately familiar, while others may require some introspection, but all are symptoms of the same core issue.
Identifying these feelings and habits and recognizing where they are coming from will naturally begin to shift the dynamic in our relationships. We’ll start to realize that perhaps it’s not that the people are difficult, but that we have difficulty with people. Instead of placing all our expectations on the people around to bend around our opinions and preferences in order to make the relationship work, we can instead turn inward and look to change our own mind frame. This doesn’t mean simply adopting new behaviors or repeating a mantra in our heads. Rather, it is about facing the truth about ourselves and how our inflated sense of self breeds the negative emotions we suffer from.
Putting Theory Into Practice
Applying this approach to our relationships takes honest introspection which will naturally lead to a gradual shift in our thought patterns, and eventually our speech and behavior. Next time we are dealing with a difficult person in our lives, we may consider the message of Heichaltzu and ask ourselves:
What makes my feelings or opinions more valid than the other person’s?
Are my frustrations with the other person a reflection of objective reality?
Can I recognize and respect the other person’s positive qualities?
Am I blaming the other person for things that are not their fault?
Can I allow the other person to be different than me and still respect them for it?
Can I put aside my own feelings or opinions in order to make space for the other person’s?
Can I rejoice in the other person’s success?
Can I mourn the other person’s failure?
How is my ego blocking me from connecting to the other person?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-10-19 08:26:502018-10-19 08:28:19How to Deal with Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-10-05 11:56:022018-10-05 11:57:59Dealing with Difficult People
Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.
Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.
As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.
Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.
There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.
If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.
The Cycle of Human Relating
The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!
So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.
The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.
The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.
It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.
Seven Sacred Tools
Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.
Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.
1. Keep to your Own Business
You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:
I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.
2. Presence
The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.
3. Focus on What is Real
It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.
Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.
4. Having Resilience
This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.
5. Clear Boundaries
It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.
6. Moving Beyond being a Victim
You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.
It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.
7. Being an Extraordinary Human
Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.
If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!
Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-10-01 09:58:312018-10-01 09:58:31The Art of Dealing With Difficult People
“You can’t do anything right”. “This is your fault – It’s always your fault”.
Understanding Emotional Abuse and Stress
Emotional Abuse is the tearing down of another human being and it can be the result of inappropriately handling one’s emotions, the excessive need to control others and the situations around them, or it can be learned from those who have had influence on the person such as parents, coaches or supervisors.
Those who are emotionally abusive, are just as dangerous as those who are physically abusive.
3. Terrorizing – threatening to punish or take away possessions, pets, or other family members
4. Isolating – jealousy, restricting access to people or money, secluding from outside world
5. Corrupting – exposes or puts into inappropriate situations
“Emotional abuse is a very serious and often hidden problem. The scars, though not visible, can run very deep.”
Many of us have grown up, been in a relationship with, worked for, or even been coached by, someone who was emotionally abusive. It is often seen as a normal part of the culture of the organization and tolerated. We see this in elite sports…that coach who thinks he gets the best from his players by belittling them, pitting them against each other, and blaming them for the losses. We see this in the workplace…CEO’s who yell obscenities at their workers, who demand unquestionable obedience, or who pit teams against each other. We see this in the home…where a partner isolates, belittles and ignores.
Emotional Abuse can lead to many emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural issues. It can impact social development, future success, and relationships outside of the abusive relationship.
General Impact Of Emotional Abuse:
Low self-esteem and confidence
Unable to make decisions
Lack of interest in life
Isolation
Sleep problems
Illness
Substance use
Depression
Emotional Abuse and Children
Patterns Of Behaviour:
In children, emotional abuse can be seen as a pattern of behaviour that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. (National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse) In children, you may specifically notice signs such as the development of rocking, sucking or biting one’s self, being inappropriately aggressive, speech problems, tantrums, excessive anxiety and fears, and an inability to relate to others. The child may make self-hate statements, and/or be shy and overly compliant.
The existence of one of these signs may not indicate emotional abuse, however, several of these over a period of time should not be ignored and should be investigated and explored further.
What Can Be Done?
People who are the target of emotional abuse are made to feel insignificant and incapable. They may actually begin to feel that they have brought this on themselves and that it really is their fault. Often, having an advocate or a person that they can confide in, can help them to see the abuse is not their fault and to reach out for support to deal with the abuse that they are facing. Many organizations and workplaces now have policies and guidelines on how to handle bullying and harassment situations, including how these situations need to be documented, reported, investigated, and rectified.
Here are some general suggestions to deal with an abusive situation.
As The Recipient:
1. Take precautions – look for the signs of excessive jealousy and control
2. Don’t blame yourself for the way other person is treating you
3. Believe in yourself – believe that you deserve to be treated with respect
4. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable than this is probably not a healthy relationship
5. Talk to someone – find someone you can trust – a family member, friend, co-worker, EAP, supervisor, spiritual leader, community advisor or health professional. Call the Distress Centre and they can help make the appropriate referral. These resources can help you to examine all of your options so that you can decide what is best for you.
What To Do If You Feel You Are Becoming Abusive:
1. Recognize the types and strength of the various feelings related to numerous situations
2. Develop a realistic attitude about what you and those around you can achieve
3. Be respectful of other’s ideas, opinions and talents
4. Find alternative ways to express difficult emotions
5. Get help – find a counselor, therapist or a doctor that can assist you in examining why you attack and tear the other person down and help you to take personal responsibility for the steps needed to change your reactions.
Words DO Hurt
The childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” may have some truth to it. But continual emotional abuse does hurt. It can affect the development and the self-esteem of the individual and it may ripple out to affect those around the person who is being attacked. Emotional abuse is serious but help is available – both to the one being abused and to the person being the abuser. Recognition is the key.
Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.
When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.
Part of the curriculum at the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:
What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)
These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?
The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.
1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:
Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.
2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using
Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:
Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.
When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a new direction.
3. Don’t Take it Personally
When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.
In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.
4. Practice Defenselessness
This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.
Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.
5. Walk Away if Necessary
Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.
6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity
As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.
Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”
7. Resonate Compassion
Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.
Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.
Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-08-24 09:53:432018-08-24 09:57:077 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People
By ‘difficult’ people we mean people with certain personality traits or emotional characteristics that make it difficult for you to communicate with them. The ability to effectively cope with such people while maintaining a healthy work environment is known as the skill of dealing with difficult people.
It is inevitable for you to come across a difficult person in your life that bring about distress, whether it’s in the form of a neighbor, relative, colleague, employee, customer, or supplier. However, the intensity of their difficulty may vary depending upon the kind of difficult person they are; downers, better thans, passives, or tanks.
Why is dealing with difficult people important
Whenever we are faced with unreasonably difficult people, our instinct is to react with frustration and irritation. That, however, is the ticket to destruction. It causes tension to build in the work environment and can prove a serious threat to the productivity as well as the overall stability of the work environment.
Therefore, it is important to develop the skills of dealing with difficult people not only for the sake of your satisfaction but because your long term as well as short term success depends to a great extent on your ability to smoothly and successfully interact with such people. To increase the likelihood of your success in life and career, you must be savvy in dealing with such difficult behaviors.
How to improve your skills of dealing with difficult people
Since it is difficult to avoid crossing paths with difficult people, the best option is to improve your skills of dealing with difficult people in the following way:
Identify the nature of difficulty. Analyze the specific behavior causing distress and identify the kind of difficult person you need to deal with. For example, is he a ‘downer’ who is always complaining and criticizing, a ‘passive’ who never contributes anything, a ‘better than’ who believes he knows everything, or just a bossy ‘tank’. Moreover, you must also analyze whether or not the behavior is consistent because sometimes it is possible that the person is just having a bad day.
Understand them instead of trying to change them. Mostly when we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we tend to advise them to change themselves. For instance, we may try to encourage a ‘passive’ to stand up for himself or a ‘downer’ to be more positive in his thinking. This, however, only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and whatever it is that drives their decisions. This not only helps them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-08-20 09:36:072018-08-20 09:36:45Dealing With Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-07-27 10:01:002018-07-27 11:44:27Dealing with Difficult People
Believe it or not, you can stay calm, defuse conflict, and keep your dignity.
We’ve all been there—trying valiantly to reason with an incredibly difficult person. The situation proves frustrating, maddening, and sometimes even frightening. The truth is, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. However, there are proven techniques to better manage such dicey situations.
I learned the ropes of what’s technically called “verbal de-escalation” from many years working in hospitals. Every year, we’d go through training on how to defuse difficult situations in which a patient, family member, or even another employee was extremely angry and seemingly out of control.
What follows are the tactics that professional crisis intervention teams use, and you can learn them, too. You can use these techniques with your boss, a customer, a family member, even a stranger. Keep in mind: The closer your relationship the person, the more knowledge you’ll have of what will best work to calm things down.
These tips may feel unnatural at first. When you’re dealing with a person behaving unreasonably, the fear response center in your brain (the fight-flight-freeze part) is going to be activated. This part of the brain can’t distinguish between a customer that’s yelling at you or a vicious dog about to attack you. It’s up to you to engage your conscious mind in order to defuse the situation. Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset to cultivate. Others are more specific in advising you what to do in the moment.
Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with “unreasonable” people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you’re listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.
Stay calm. When a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Monitor your breathing. Try to take some slow, deep breaths.
Don’t judge. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Chances are, if a person is acting unreasonable, they are likely feeling some sort of vulnerability or fear.
Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how a person is treating you, showing contempt will not help productively resolve the situation.
Look for the hidden need. What is this person really trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?
Look for others around you who might be able to help. If you’re at work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a colleague is close by.
Don’t demand compliance. For example, telling someone who’s upset to be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the person what they are upset about—and allow them to vent.
Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse. Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”
Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.
Don’t act defensively. This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)
Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.
Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything.
Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way toward defusing many situations.
Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have the right to be assertive and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an exit strategy.
One response does not fit all. You have to remain flexible. Although these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.
Debrief. After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.
Discharge your own stress. You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the time to discharge some of that pent up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.
Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation. It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-07-06 10:23:162018-07-06 10:24:4620 Expert Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People
Almost no one enjoys conflict. But it’s something we all need to deal with from time to time, in order to maintain healthy relationships. Further, we need to deal with conflict the right way so that we minimize it, and don’t exacerbate it.
I’m amazed at how often people do the wrong thing regarding conflict; doing the wrong thing, even unintentionally, will usually make your conflict much worse instead of better.
Here are four things that can cause conflict to escalate:
Ignoring the issues of others. Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Ignoring a situation does not make conflict go away. Saying to the other person that something isn’t important enough to get upset about only makes the conflict worse.
Let’s assume that your co-worker has mentioned to you that she has a sensitivity to perfume, adding that she would prefer you not wear it at work. You like your perfume, and don’t believe she has a sensitivity, so you choose to reject or ignore her request. Your response to her request is something along the lines of, “Of all the things to worry about? This isn’t one of them.”
This strategy will not make the tension or conflict that exists between you go away. It doesn’t matter if your colleague has a sensitivity to perfume or not—she has told you that she does, and has asked you not to wear it. Your intentional rejection of her request will create tension that will escalate every day that you “forget about” or rebel from her request. By ignoring the situation, you will make it worse, not better.
Being defensive or making excuses. Recently, actress Roseanne Barr sent some racist tweets. As a direct result, her successful television was cancelled. Several hours after it happened, Barr returned to Twitter, claiming she had taken an Ambien, and therefore wasn’t responsible for her behavior.When something you’ve done causes conflict, making excuses for your behavior will not make it better. It will actually make it worse. For instance, Barr’s excuse likely won’t make one iota of difference in the eyes of the person she attacked with her racist tweets, or to any of the hundreds of people who lost their jobs due to Barr’s actions.
Own your behavior. Apologize if necessary. Fix it if you can. But in making excuses for your behavior, you will escalate the conflict.
Being emotional about the situation. No one enjoys conflict. Emotional reactions to it are natural and normal. But losing control, or expressing your frustration verbally, is not good. You need to demonstrate professionalism, control, and restraint because when you lose your cool you encourage the other person to as well. Anger is contagious. Angry behavior will cause the other person to lose their cool as well. As you can imagine, this is not the way to deal with conflict.You may have a conflict with a co-worker, but yelling at them, belittling, bullying, or behaving aggressively will not make the situation better. Speaking more loudly will not make them listen to you. Yelling is not the answer.
Not holding back your “inside voice” will turn your conflict sour. When we are dealing with conflict we usually have two conversations happening at the same time. The out-loud conversation is the one you have with the other person, but there is also a passive-aggressive conversation you have in your head. Keep the two conversations separate.
Mumbling under your breath is likely to be heard. It isn’t the correct way to minimize conflict because it will add fuel to the fire that already exists. Just because you’re thinking something doesn’t mean you should verbalize it.
Let’s say you’re enjoying a team pot-luck lunch with everyone at work. You have your group of work friends but you have a bit of tension with Mike on the team. You don’t really like him; you two don’t really get along, and he doesn’t really like or get along with you, either. During your team lunch, a conversation about gossip starts up and Mike announces that he thinks that is a horrible thing to do to your coworkers—why would anyone spread gossip around the office? You are shocked because you think Mike is the worst gossip in the office. You mumble a sarcastic comment under your breath that may or may not have been heard by Mike. But you can be sure that someone heard it, potentially making a comment or giggling, and Mike is convinced you said something about him (which you did!). That action by you will cause the tension in your relationship to escalate. Ignoring Mike’s original comment, or not voicing yours won’t relieve the tension you already have with Mike, but it will most certainly avoid escalating it.
The laughter you get from others is not worth the escalation of tension in your already fractured relationship. Learn to keep unproductive thoughts to yourself.
Avoiding these four faux pas isn’t easy, but it is important. Conflict isn’t fun. Making it even worse is not a good idea—however, it is avoidable.
Article By Rhonda Scharf,
Rhonda Scharf is a well recognized Professional Speaker, Trainer and Author. She specializes in helping Administrative Professionals to thrive in their work environment using her proven tools and strategies. She is a trusted resource for many organizations worldwide, and is based in Canada and the United States. She holds the highest speaking designation in the world, the Certified Speaking Professional and was recently inducted into the Canadian Speaking Hall of Fame. She is only one of two people to hold her CSP, HoF, and the Spirit of CAPS. Rhonda is also an active member and supporter of many administrative professional associations across the world.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-06-25 13:35:152018-06-26 10:57:30How Not to Deal with Conflict
Communication Skills – Dealing with Difficult People
When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.
People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!
1. Don’t get Hooked !!!
When people behave towards you in a manner that makes you feel angry, frustrated or annoyed – this is known as a Hook.
We can even become “Hooked” by the way people look, how they talk, how they smell and even by their general demeanour.
If we take the bait then we are allowing the other person to control our behaviour.
This can then result in an unproductive response.
We have a choice whether we decided to get hooked or stay unhooked.
2. Don’t let them get to you
We often allow the other person’s attitude to irritate or annoy us.
This becomes obvious to the other person through our tone of voice and our body language.
This only fuels a difficult situation. When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.
People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!
3. Listen – listen – listen
Look and sound like you’re listening. – When face-to-face you need to look interested, nod your head and keep good eye contact.
Over the ‘phone – you need to make the occasional “Uh Hu – I See”
If the other person senses that you care and that you’re interested in their problem, then they’re likely to become more reasonable.
4. Get all the facts – write them down
Repeat back (paraphrase) the problem to ensure your understanding and to let the other person know that you are listening.
5. Use names
A person’s name is one of the warmest sounds they hear. It says that you have recognised them as an individual. It is important not to overdo it as it may come across as patronising to the other person.
Make sure they know your name and that you’ll take ownership of the problem.
6. DON’T blame someone or something else
7. Watch out for people’s egos
” Don’t interrupt
” Don’t argue
” Don’t jump in with solutions
” Allow them to let off steam
” Don’t say, “Calm down”.
8. See it from the other person’s point of view
Too often we think the “difficult” person is making too much fuss.
We think – “What’s the big deal; I’ll fix it right away”. It is a big deal for the other person and they want you to appreciate it.
You don’t necessarily need to agree with the person however you accept the fact that it’s a problem for them.
9. Be very aware of your body language and tone of voice
We often exacerbate a situation without realising it.
Our tone of voice and our body language can often contradict what we’re saying.
We may be saying sorry however our tone and our body language may be communicating our frustration and annoyance.
People listen with their eyes and will set greater credence on how you say something rather than what you say.
It’s also important to use a warm tone of voice when dealing with a difficult situation.
This doesn’t mean being “nicey- nicey” or behaving in a non-assertive manner.
10. Words to avoid
There are certain trigger words that can cause people to become more difficult especially in emotionally charged situations. These include:
“You have to” –
“But” –
“I want you to” –
“I need you to” –
“It’s company policy” –
“I can’t or You can’t” –
“Jargon” or “Buzz” words –
“Sorry” –
“I’ll try” –
11. Stop saying Sorry
Sorry is an overused word, everyone says it when something goes wrong and it has lost its value.
How often have you heard – “Sorry ’bout that, give me the details and I’ll sort this out for you.” Far better to say – “I apologise for .”
And if you really need to use the “sorry” word, make sure to include it as part of a full sentence. “I’m sorry you haven’t received that information as promised Mr Smith.” (Again, it’s good practice to use the person’s name).
There are other things you can say instead of sorry.
12. Empathise
The important thing to realise when dealing with a difficult person is to:
Deal with their feelings – then deal with their problem.
Using empathy is an effective way to deal with a person’s feelings.
Empathy isn’t about agreement, only acceptance of what the person is saying and feeling.
Basically, the message is – “I understand how you feel.”
Obviously, this has to be a genuine response, the person will realise if you’re insincere and they’ll feel patronised.
Examples of an empathy response would be – “I can understand that you’re angry,” or “I see what you mean.” Again, these responses need to be genuine.
13. Build Rapport
Sometimes it’s useful to add another phrase to the empathy response, including yourself in the picture. – “I can understand how you feel, I don’t like it either when that happens to me”
This has the effect of getting on the other person’s side and builds rapport.
Some people get concerned when using this response, as they believe it’ll lead to “Well why don’t you do something about it then.”
The majority of people won’t respond this way if they realise that you are a reasonable and caring person.
If they do, then continue empathising and tell the person what you’ll do about the situation.
14. Under promise – over deliver
Whatever you say to resolve a situation, don’t make a rod for your own back.
We are often tempted in a difficult situation to make promises that are difficult to keep.
We say things like – “I’ll get this sorted this afternoon and phone you back.” It may be difficult to get it sorted “this afternoon”. Far better to say – “I’ll get this sorted by tomorrow lunchtime.” Then phone them back that afternoon or early the next morning and they’ll think you’re great.
You don’t win them all.
Remember, everyone gets a little mad from time to time, and you won’t always be able to placate everyone, – there’s no magic formula.
However, the majority of people in this world are reasonable people and if you treat them as such, then they’re more likely to respond in a positive manner.
Some more thoughts:
These notes are primarily designed to help deal with difficult people when we have made a mistake.
We often have to deal with other people where we have not made a mistake, however, the people we’re dealing with often prove to be difficult and unwilling to accept what we say.
We, therefore, need to demonstrate assertive behaviour that helps us communicate clearly and confidently our needs, wants and feelings to other people without abusing in any way their human rights.
This article was contributed by Alan Fairweather. As appeared on www.impactfactory.com
Alan Fairweather is the author of four ebooks in the “How to get More Sales” series. Lots of practical actions you can take to build your business and motivate your team.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-06-21 11:49:172018-06-21 11:49:17Conflict - Dealing with Difficult People
It’s inevitable. At some point in your week, you’ll run into one of them. Those people who seem to turn a wonderful day into a dark one. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.
There are studies that demonstrate that people’s energy is contagious. If you’re happy and an angry person walks into the room, you can feel it. Your happiness is suddenly dampened. The angry person spews their negative energy upon anyone in their path, leaving you with the after-effects.
With a few key tools, you can repel that negativity and spread your happiness instead. With these tools, you’ll never have to lose your smile to a negative person.
1. Take A Deep Breath Or Three.
This allows you to take a moment to think about how you’ll respond to the other person. It’s amazing what a difference taking those extra moments can make.
Without taking that breath, you may lash out, get defensive, cower or unconsciously repeat your own negative patterns. This is how couples tend to have the same fights over and over again. They each press the same buttons of their partner and everyone reacts the same way they always have, repeating the patterns.
The only way to break the pattern is to slow down, become aware of them and make a different choice about how to respond.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally. Know That It’s Not About You.
Know that the other person has their own issues that have nothing to do with you. This can be anything from a bad day to a bad childhood that they haven’t chosen to do something about.
I have a family member whose school yearbooks have quotes from other students that all say something to the effect of: “You would be a great person if you weren’t so mean” or “if you weren’t such a bully.” He has continued to be a bully throughout his life. Being critical, judging others and being a bully all come from fear. Fear of not living up to some standard. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being loved or accepted. Bullies attempt to tear down others so they can feel better about themselves. They do it to almost everyone around them – not just you.
If the difficult person always focuses on a certain area like criticizing how others look or judging the work of others, know that this person has issues with how they see themselves. They’re tearing others down in those areas in order to feel better about themselves.
Sometimes friends can be a little nasty. If I know that’s not how they usually are, I‘ll ask them what’s happening in their life. Sometimes all they need is someone to listen to them to turn their mood around. And if I can’t help them to feel better, at least I’ve found the source of their negativity and I know it has nothing to do with me.
3. Put Yourself In Their Shoes.
Without a good understanding of where the other person is coming from, you can make snap judgments that only maintain the negative situation.
Sometimes I imagine the tough childhood of a bully: not getting the love they needed from their parents so they had many insecurities that led them to lash out at others in an attempt to feel better about themselves. When I see an adult bully, I imagine the poor little 12 year old not getting the love he or she needed. I then feel compassion for them which causes me to respond to them much differently than if I had felt that they were picking on me in particular.
Alternatively, if you know the difficult person is just having a bad day, put yourself in their shoes and think of some small thing you can do for them that might turn their mood around.
4. Get On Their Side And Don’t Get Defensive.
If the difficult person thinks that you’re working with them, it’s hard for them to fight you. Instead of getting defensive, ask what you can do to help them. They can’t get mad at you if you’re trying to help them.
5. Create Aa Much Distance As You Can Between The Two Of You.
Find reasons not to get together. Be busy when they ask for your time.
Difficult people feed off of the people who perpetuate their drama. When you avoid the person and diffuse the drama, they can’t maintain their nasty persona with you and they won’t seek you out.
You can keep difficult people from ruining your day by remembering these points. Ultimately, you can’t control other people. You can only control how you respond to them. It’s your response that makes a positive difference in your day and might even make that difficult person smile.
It’s Not All About Them
Now that you know how to deal with others, remember that these difficult people wouldn’t bother you so much if there wasn’t something similar inside you that you haven’t dealt with yet.
In a similar vein, you attract people to you for a reason. If you seem to be surrounded by difficult people or they show up in your work and personal life, ask yourself what lessons you need to learn from them.
Difficult people will continue to show up for you until you take responsibility for your own being.
Have you considered whether you’re the difficult person in other people’s lives? Take a few moments throughout your day to notice how others are responding to you. What do you find?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-06-01 11:45:592018-06-05 10:16:06How To Deal Effectively With Difficult People (And Some Other Secrets)
NBC|Getty Images| Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC’s “Seinfeld”
Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.
First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.
Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.
Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.
Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.
Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”
But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.
Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder ofThe Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-05-24 12:12:462018-05-24 12:14:53How to deal with difficult people
Don’t relish conflict, but don’t fear it. Handling conflict is one of the most misunderstood parts of our existence. It is often unpleasant; many people try to avoid it. Others seem to thrive on the stress of it. I think some even use it to overpower others. Maybe that’s why they look for opportunities to bully people.
However, conflict is best seen as an opportunity to understand our differences, since that’s when conflict usually arises: when we see something different. I handle conflict in the following 3 ways.
1. Think constructively.
When a problem comes up, think constructively. You are not attacking the other person, and hopefully, he is not attacking you, either. If he is, redirect him to the problem. That is what you both should be focused on: the principle, not the person. In this day and age, too many people resort to letting arguments become personal – name-calling, mockery, personal attacks. I suppose humans have always done it. We can’t stay focused on the matter before us so we get frustrated and lash out, or we realize that our position should change but we aren’t confident enough to do so. That seems to be the common approach to conflict. Don’t be like that. Be constructive. Be uncommon.
2. Stay focused on solutions and communication.
Admit when you’re wrong, but stand your ground when you’re right. I have always liked the movie Twelve Angry Men. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays a member of a jury charged with returning a verdict in a murder trial. The evidence appears clear-cut, and the other eleven are ready to return a guilty verdict and move on with their lives. But Fonda’s character is not satisfied that the evidence is conclusive and he feels the need to walk through it again, much to the dismay of the other eleven jurors. Time and time again, a vote is taken, and still, he stands alone. Some of the other jurors begin to make it personal. The room becomes very tense, but Fonda’s character just keeps his focus on the job they’ve been given to do.
He exhorts the other jurors to reexamine the evidence between each vote, and the votes begin to shift: 11-1, 10-2, 8-4, and so on. Finally, after reexamining the evidence a number of times, all of the jurors agree on a verdict of not guilty.
3. There are times to stand alone.
Sometimes we have to stand alone for an extended period of time. Other times, the mere act of our standing for what we believe in brings others with us, and we are no longer alone. Either way, conflict can serve to illuminate truth or illuminate differences. In any event, it doesn’t have to be feared.
Every workplace seems to have its difficult co-workers, bosses or customers. And they come in all varieties.
When trying to cope, it can help to understand the human dynamics of a situation. The inescapable fact is that any time two people are together, there’s potential for conflict.
Personality Styles Differ
“Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses,” said Robert Trestman, M.D., Ph.D., chair of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at Carilion Clinic. “There is no such thing as a perfect person, and it’s also rare that any one person is totally in the right or in the wrong. It’s more a question of personality differences.”
That said, there are personality styles that are more apt to provoke.
“Some people are perceived to be difficult because they are very direct and outspoken, and our culture doesn’t always respond well to that style,” said Dr. Trestman. “In the midwest or south, for instance, that style can be seen as confrontational and make people uncomfortable.”
Others are passive-aggressive and indirectly display hostility by being sullen, procrastinating or engaging in subtle insults.
“Some people just have a nasty streak,” Dr. Trestman added.
Then there are those who like to stir the pot and may say things to pit one person against another just to create a little chaos.
“Another type can be almost sociopathic, but in a skillful way,” noted Dr. Trestman. “It can be very hard to pin them down. All of these can undermine an effective team.”
Taking Action
How to deal with these challenging types?
A basic remedy can be used for each.
“In general, it always pays to be very upfront,” said Dr. Trestman. “When people are causing disruption, for whatever reason, gather as much information as possible about their behavior.”
If you are their supervisor, he suggests:
Meet with the person and discuss the concern
Be concrete about their problem behaviors
Lay out your specific expectations
Give them guidance as to preferred behaviors
Offer them an opportunity to practice the new behaviors
Do all this with a reasonable amount of sensitivity so the person can grow from the experience
Create a culture that rewards the results of collaboration
If you’re dealing with a person who is almost pathologically undermining others, be sure to set boundaries for them. Set specific performance expectations and protocols to follow.
“These are the kind of folks who can create a hostile work environment, or situations that can escalate dramatically and cause legal difficulties,” said Dr. Trestman. “You may want to get Human Resources involved sooner rather than later.”
Approaching a Colleague
If you are a colleague or peer of a difficult co-worker, you have similar recourses.
“The normal human tendency is just to try and get along, but that can undermine your ability to work as a team,” Dr. Trestman pointed out.
If you must rely on each other, say as part of a health care or legal team, it can create problems.
Here are steps to take:
Gather up your courage and approach the other person in a non-confrontational way
Tell them what specific things they are doing that make life difficult for you
If he (or she) denies it, say “This is how I perceive what you’re doing.”
Ask if there’s anything you’re doing that they perceive negatively
If you don’t get anywhere, go to your supervisor or HR
Coping Skills
If you’re now trying to decide how to deal with a difficult person at work, make sure you also take good care of yourself.
To help you cope, take time to:
Get enough sleep
Eat well
Exercise
Engage in stress-relieving activities
“All the little things at work can become magnified if we’re not taking good care of ourselves,” Dr. Trestman said.
What to do if someone is truly making it hard to do your job or advance and all remedies fail?
“You may want to consider getting a new job,” he advised.
And if possible, try to find whatever humor you can in the situation. Humor is a great antidote to stress.
As the old saying goes:
“Sometimes I think the whole world is crazy except me and thee, and at times I suspect even thee.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-05-10 11:50:262018-05-10 11:51:36How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
A conflict arises when individuals have different opinions, thought processes, attitudes, interests, needs and find it difficult to adjust with each other. When individuals perceive things in dissimilar ways and cannot find the middle way, a conflict starts. No organization can survive if the employees are constantly engaged in fights and conflicts. The individuals have to give their hundred percent at workplaces to generate revenue and profits for the organization.
Conflicts must be avoided at workplaces for a healthy and a competitive environment. Employees must ensure that precautionary measures are taken in advance to prevent conflicts at the workplace. Employees are the assets of any organization and they must feel motivated and elated to perform well. Conflicts only lead to tensions and depressions and nothing productive comes out of it. No individual can work alone; he has to depend on his fellow workers for the maximum output. Every individual has to work in a team and can’t afford to fight with his team members.
Misha and Tom were a part of the operations team with a reputed firm. Both of them had excellent academic records, were hardworking and were never short of ideas. Unfortunately Misha and Tom never liked each other’s ideas and never got along very well. Their team could never achieve anything great and always failed to live up to the expectations of their superiors.
The conflict between Misha and Tom was the major reason why their team could never perform well. The success of any team is directly proportional to the relation among the team members.
As a result of conflicts, employees waste their maximum time and energy in fighting and find it very difficult to concentrate on work. The time which should be utilized in doing productive work goes in finding faults in others and fighting with each other. Always remember that your office is not paying you for fighting, instead it expects good and productive work from you. Conflict Management prevents the eruptions of fights and also allows the employees to be serious about their work. Conflicts also lead to unnecessary tensions and disagreements among the individuals. Everyday in an organization is a new day and you have to give your best daily. In today’s fierce competitive scenario, an employee has to prove himself each day. You just can’t survive if your mind is always clouded with unnecessary tensions and stress. Stress diverts your mind and snatches your mental peace and harmony. You feel restless every where,everytime. If you feel irritated by your colleague or do not approve their ideas, think for a minute, would fighting provide any solution? What would you gain out of it? It is always better to sit and discuss the issues with fellow workers face to face rather than shouting. Life becomes miserable if one is engaged in constant fights and one feels demotivated to go to office.
Conflict Management reduces tensions and employees feel motivated to give their level best to the organizations. No one gains form conflicts. One should avoid fighting over petty issues and criticizing fellow employees at workplaces. Be a little more adjusting. You might be an extraordinary employee, but conflicts will definitely earn you a bad name and you appear in the bad books of other employees. Conflict Management helps in the strengthening of bond among the employees and everyone is ready to help each other. Relations improve and people feel motivated to work together and strive hard to give best possible results. No one likes to carry tensions back home and feel neglected at the workplace. Attend office to work not to fight and carry tensions and anxiety. Transparency must be maintained at all levels for the smooth flow of information among the employees. One wrong information with any employee, all things get screwed up. Conflicts and disagreements act as a hindrance in the correct flow of information as employees tend to tamper important data, facts, figures and hide things from each other. The information never reaches in the correct and desired form as a result of conflict and eventually the organization is at loss.
Conflict Management plays a very important role at workplaces as it prevents unnecessary fights and makes offices a better place to work.
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Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.
It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.
This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-04-12 10:09:222018-04-12 10:10:45Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
It was lunchtime and the seven of us — two kids and five adults — would be in the car for the next three hours as we drove from New York City to upstate Connecticut for the weekend.
We decided to get some takeout at a place on the corner of 88th and Broadway. I pulled along the curb and ran in to get everyone’s orders.
In no time, Isabelle, my eight-year-old, came running in the restaurant.
“Daddy! Come quick! The police are giving you a ticket!”
I ran outside.
“Wait, don’t write the ticket, I’ll move it right away,” I offered.
“Too late,” she said.
“Come on! I was in there for three minutes. Give me a break.”
“You’re parked in front of a bus stop.” She motioned halfway down the block.
“All the way down there?” I protested.
She said nothing.
“You can’t be serious!” I flapped my arms.
“Once I start writing the ticket, I can’t stop.” She handed me the ticket.
“But you didn’t even ask us to move! Why didn’t you ask us to move?” I continued to argue as she walked away.
And that’s when it hit me: arguing was a waste of my time.
Not just in that situation with that police officer. I’m talking about arguing with anyone, anywhere, any time. It’s a guaranteed losing move.
Think about it. You and someone have an opposing view and you argue. You pretend to listen to what she’s saying but what you’re really doing is thinking about the weakness in her argument so you can disprove it. Or perhaps, if she’s debunked a previous point, you’re thinking of new counter-arguments. Or, maybe, you’ve made it personal: it’s not just her argument that’s the problem. It’s her. And everyone who agrees with her.
In some rare cases, you might think the argument has merit. What then? Do you change your mind? Probably not. Instead, you make a mental note that you need to investigate the issue more to uncover the right argument to prove the person wrong.
When I think back to just about every argument I’ve ever participated in — political arguments, religious arguments, arguments with Eleanor or with my children or my parents or my employees, arguments about the news or about a business idea or about an article or a way of doing something — in the end, each person leaves the argument feeling, in many cases more strongly than before, that he or she was right to begin with.
How likely is it that you will change your position in the middle of fighting for it? Or accept someone else’s perspective when they’re trying to hit you over the head with it?
Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person’s stance. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve with the argument in the first place. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships.
There’s only one solution: stop arguing.
Resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place. If you feel strongly about something in the moment, that’s probably a good sign that you need time to think before trying to communicate it.
If someone tries to draw you into an argument? Don’t take the bait. Change the subject or politely let the person know you don’t want to engage in a discussion about it.
And if it’s too late? If you’re in the middle of an argument and realize it’s going nowhere? Then you have no choice but to pull out your surprise weapon. The strongest possible defense, guaranteed to overcome any argument:
Listening.
Simply acknowledge the other and what he’s saying without any intention of refuting his position. If you’re interested, you can ask questions — not to prove him wrong — but to better understand him.
Because listening has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When someone feels heard, he relaxes. He feels generous. And he becomes more interested in hearing you.
That’s when you have a shot of doing the impossible: changing that person’s mind. And maybe your own. Because listening, not arguing, is the best way to shift a perspective.
Then, when you want to leave the conversation, say something like,”Thanks for that perspective.” Or “I’ll have to think about that,” and walk away or change the subject.
I’m not saying you should let someone bully you. This weekend I was in a long line and someone cut in front of me. I told him it wasn’t okay and he started yelling, telling me — and the people around me — that he was there all the time, which was clearly not true. I began to argue with him which, of course, proved useless and only escalated the fight.
Eventually a woman in the line simply drew a boundary. She said, “No, it’s not okay to simply walk in here when the rest of us are waiting” and she stepped forward and ignored the bully. We all followed her lead and, eventually, he went to the back of the line. Arguments: 0. Boundaries: 1.
When I went online to pay the parking fine, I tried to dispute the ticket. Before arguing my case though, a screen popped up offering me a deal: pay the penalty with a 25% discount, or argue and, if I lose, pay the entire fine. I thought I had a good case so I argued and, a few weeks later, lost the case.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-03-22 11:00:472018-03-22 11:02:21Arguing Is Pointless
In an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.
Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.
When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.
Remember the Serenity Prayer
I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.
One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.
Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror
If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.
If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.
Know When to Quit
Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.
Wait to Respond
I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.
This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.
Consider the Other’s Perspective
I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.
This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.
This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.
Bring on the Honey
This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.
Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.
Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-03-05 10:44:582018-03-05 10:45:17Dealing with Difficult People
Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.
When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.
Part of the curriculum at the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:
What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)
These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?
The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.
1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:
Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.
2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using
Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:
Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role
Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.
When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a new direction.
3. Don’t Take it Personally
When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavioris not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.
In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.
4. Practice Defenselessness
This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.
Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.
5. Walk Away if Necessary
Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.
6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity
As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.
Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”
7. Resonate Compassion
Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.
Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.
Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”
Yoga teacher, author, and martial artist Adam Brady has been associated with the Chopra Center for nearly 20 years. He is a certified Vedic Educator trained in Primordial Sound Meditation , Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga , and Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle , and regularly teaches in the Orlando, Florida, area. Over the last several years, Adam has worked to introduce corporate mind-body wellness programs into the workplace within a large…Read more
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-02-22 12:40:152018-02-22 12:59:467 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People
People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.
Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.
It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.
What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.
So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.
You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:
Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.
The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.
Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.
Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.
Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”
Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.
There are three steps to this.
Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”
Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.
Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.
About the Author,
Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com, or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-02-01 10:41:462018-02-01 10:42:08Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People
We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.
Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.
“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.
The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.
After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?
Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.
Complainers
Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.
Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.
Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.
When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.
“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”
Cynics
Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.
Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.
Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”
Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.
Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.
Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.
If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”
The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.
Controllers
Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.
Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.
Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”
Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.
Caretakers
Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.
Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.
Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.
“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2018-01-05 14:19:102018-01-05 14:19:10Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People
Good leaders are great at resolving conflict. Great leaders keep conflict from arising in the first place. Here’s how they do it.
In engineering “friction” can be defined as any waste of energy that has been harnessed to produce work. Entrepreneurs grow wealthy by reducing the economic friction between buyers and sellers. In business there is a form of friction that all too often kills plans, wastes energy, and ruins friendships: people fighting with each other.
I’ve investigated my fair share of work place squabbles. I almost never found two-legged villains at the heart of the problem. Instead I discovered hard-working, well intentioned people that had unintentionally allowed a disembodied demon into their midst: Ambiguity.
In one instance a sales department and shipping department were at each other’s throats. Both sides were convinced that they were the victims of a combination of incompetence and evil intentions on the part of the other. After scraping away the rancor, I discovered that the sales department was upset because product was not being shipped “on time.” Shipping was fed up with getting a flood of orders late in the day that they could not possibly ship without working into the night. The real problem was that both sides were operating from entirely different assumptions about what “on time” meant. I quickly brokered an agreement: any order received by shipping before 2:00 PM would ship the same day. Later orders would ship the next. I wrote the new policy down and distributed it. When the ambiguity disappeared so did the problem and the rancor.
I have often argued that a trait that distinguishes great leaders is an ability to creatively use the tension produced by ambiguity. Great leaders don’t live in a black or white world. Instead they love shades of grey. However, this trait is most effective when applied to strategic decisions. It is ambiguity surrounding execution that so often leads to disaster. Business execution is like an intricate, multi-faceted relay race. Ambiguity about who is passing the baton to whom by when almost certainly means that the precious baton will hit the floor and the postmortem recriminations will begin. In business, “crisp execution” is the Holy Grail, and crisp execution relies on eliminating ambiguity.
Again and again I’ve brought warring parties together and patiently heard them out. Then I would politely make a request: “Where’s the paper trail?” In almost every case there was none. All I had to work with were verbal communications based solely on memory, open to an almost infinite variety of contradictory interpretations. This internal friction was usually not the result of either incompetence or bad intentions. It was the result of people operating from entirely different assumptions about their respective responsibilities.
I have developed a tactic to eliminate the problems caused by ambiguity before they can arise. While my memory is still fresh, I summarize in writing everything that was agreed upon in a meeting or phone call and send it to all the participants. I make sure to invite everyone to either “sign off” or get back to me if my summary is either incorrect or incomplete. I also copy everyone not at the meeting that may be affected by our decisions in order to avoid “blindsiding” them further down the road.
We often hear that success is largely a factor of how many friends we make. However, success also depends on how few enemies we make. Clear, written communication has proven remarkably successful at keeping my enemies to a minimum. This discipline also forces me during meetings to focus on negotiating clear, unambiguous, mutually agreed upon action items. This in turn moves the meeting, project or sale along much more quickly.
The vast majority of internal squabbles are leadership problems rather than people problems. It is management’s job to make sure that the process by which people enter into agreements is formalized without becoming burdensome. When disputes arise from miscommunication and misunderstanding, it is management’s fault for not having the policies, procedures, and processes in place that prevent such conflicts in the first place.
In our own company, we made it clear that we had zero interest in refereeing “I said, she said” disputes. It was our policy that substantive meetings should always produce an internal “contract;” and that these contracts should be clearly written, mutually agreed upon, and meticulously kept. Staying on top of this process took discipline, but in the long run it paid off handsomely in increased productivity, team work, and perhaps most importantly, morale. Once our people discovered that without the proper documentation their pleas for “justice” would fall on deaf ears, they quickly adapted and disputes were practically non-existent.
The first step to removing crippling ambiguity is overcoming our distaste for writing and learning how to write clearly and unambiguously. A commitment to follow up “soon” is ambiguous. A promise to follow up at 3:00 PM on November 16th is not.
The second step is overcoming the misconception that creating a paper trail is a waste of valuable time. My typical summary takes three minutes to write. These communications not only make things run far more smoothly, but have saved me countless hours in ex post facto conflict resolution.
Step three is overcoming our tendency for using ambiguity as tool for staying off the hook. Ambiguity in business is often connected to our fear of accountability. We resist making clear commitments because someone may hold us accountable if something goes wrong. Much of human interaction, consciously or unconsciously, is an attempt to hold others accountable while avoiding accountability ourselves. We crave wiggle room and plausible deniability. As a result, we often default to ambiguous commitments like “I’ll try” rather than “I’ll do.” Only by courageously embracing accountability in our business and personal lives can the friction of ambiguity be successfully overcome. If you want accountability from others, you must offer it first yourself.
She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?
We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.
First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.
Photo: Sam Edwards/Caiaimage/Getty Images
Clingers
Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.
What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.
What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.
Photo: John Wildgoose/Caiaimage/Getty Images
Controllers
Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.
What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.
What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.
Photo: Image Source RF/Cadalpe/Getty Images
Competitors
Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.
What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.
What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)
Photo: Westend61/Getty Images
Self-Important People
These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.
What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.
Photo: Henglein and Steets/Cultura/Getty Images
Chronic Complainers
These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.
What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.
Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty Images
Victims
These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.
What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)
In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-11-10 09:14:112017-11-10 09:25:43How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People
When you were 5, it was all about getting the cookie. Did you ask respectfully and get the cookie?Or did you yell and scream? Did you avoid making waves to get it? Or did you go behind your parents’ backs to get that cookie? Kids figure out what works and that communication style becomes part of their personality.
Being direct and open—communicating assertively—is healthiest and most efficient. While most people have a default style of communication, we all tend to use all four styles, depending on the situation and the person with whom we’re speaking. Communication is a learned skill, but it’s important to know we have a choice in how we communicate.
Passive-aggressive communication is the most challenging for others. If you’re faced with it, you don’t know where you stand; you may think the passive-aggressive is your friend, and you probably open up without realizing you risk being sabotaged. The passive-aggressive mode of operation is: “I will be nice to your face, but behind your back, I will do things to make you suffer in hell for the rest of your life.”
If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be taught a thing or two suffer—even just a teensy bit—you’re stepping close to that sneaky and devious world of the passive-aggressive. Don’t go there.
One passive-aggressive trait is gossiping and tattling. Anyone who says, “I am not a gossip,” probably is. If you hear disparaging words one minute followed by, “But she really is my good friend,” that’s another red flag.
When confronting someone for their passive-aggressive tendencies, realize they are motivated to seek revenge when they perceive an injustice done to them. You didn’t necessarily do them any wrong, but they believe your behavior inappropriate, unacceptable or unjust. Because they often believe their lives are controlled by others, they lack the skill, knowledge, desire and confidence to be assertive.
To deal with someone who communicates in a passive-aggressive style:
Talk openly and honestly to set an example of healthy, assertive communication and to minimize attacks.
Confront them and hold them accountable. Have them say to your face what they usually would say behind your back. If they’re giving you the silent treatment, ignore them.
Challenge inappropriate behavior in a positive, upbeat way, but prepare for the counterattack.
Indecisiveness:
The Passive Personality
Another difficult personality is the passive person, who wants to avoid confrontation at all costs. Passives don’t talk much and question even less. They don’t want to rock the boat because they have learned it’s safer.
Passive people lack self-confidence to communicate assertively. They don’t trust other people to respond positively to their assertive attempts. Passive people act like everything is perfect and put everyone else first, but inside, they often are a seething mess.
Why bother learning how to deal with passive people? They are the saintly, never-cause-a-fuss, do-whatever- you-want people, right? In truth, passives constantly create havoc because they never let you know where they stand. They’re too busy keeping the peace.
To deal with a passive person:
Be open, direct and honest, modeling assertive behavior.
Establish trust. Help passive people have the confidence to share their feelings and concerns by making them feel worthy and respected.
Encourage an environment of solving problems and discussing options.
Give the passive person permission to be decisive and praise them for their participation.
Inflicting Anger and Hurt:
The Aggressive Personality
Aggressive personality types use manipulation by inducing guilt, hurt, intimidation and control tactics. Covert or overt, aggressive people simply want their needs met—and right now!
Aggressive communicators differ from those who are being assertive. While assertive people are forthright and open, aggressive communicators say what they mean, but they hold nothing back, usually at the expense of others’ feelings.
Be clear that the aggressive behavior is unacceptable.
The Healthy Personality:
Assertiveness
An assertive communication style is the only way to effectively deal with difficult people. Unfortunately, people use it the least.
Communicating assertively lets people know your needs, concerns and feelings in an open and honest way without threats, manipulation or hidden agendas. Assertive people ask questions, seek answers, look at all points of view and engage in meaningful, open-ended dialogue without anger, hurt feelings or defensiveness.
Remember, you always have a choice in your style of communication. You also have a choice in how people talk to you. Assertiveness will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build relationships professionally and personally.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-10-27 08:42:512017-10-27 08:42:51Dealing With Difficult People
Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”
Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.
Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.
In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:
Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.
Don’t be a conflict-avoider. Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.
Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.
Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’re management. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.
Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.
Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.
Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.
I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.
It isn’t. It never is.
But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-10-19 12:52:312017-10-19 12:59:23How To Manage Conflict At Work
Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
1. They set limits.
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
2. They rise above.
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.
3. They stay aware of their emotions.
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
4. They establish boundaries.
This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
5. They don’t die in the fight.
Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
7. They don’t forget.
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
8. They squash negative self-talk.
Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
9. They get some sleep.
I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
10. They use their support system.
It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-10-06 11:42:482017-10-06 11:43:33How Smart People Handle Difficult People
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering if this is what your life has come to. You hear yourself describing your day as if it were someone else using those words. If someone talked to you like that, you’d wonder why that person continued to work where they do. Why are you letting one difficult person ruin an otherwise good day?
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about that one difficult person to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters with difficult clients.
SO WHY ARE PEOPLE DIFFICULT?
Why do some people see the cup as being half empty instead of half full? The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.
Some people learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the people who enter our offices with complaints in hand and use their bodies and voices to intimidate.
Some people feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These clients may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.
For other clients, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners.
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.
The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.
The next thing you know, we ourselves complain, grow stubborn and more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.
Fraught with difficult people and negative attitudes, our work environment becomes a daily scene of excessive finger-pointing, backstabbing and gossiping, higher rates of absenteeism, lower productivity and decreased quality of customer service.
Can we stop negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads in our workplace? Unfortunately, the answer is no — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.
The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has worked for them before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours.
To do this, we must understand what people expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
HERE ARE A FEW TIPS ON WAYS TO STOP DIFFICULT BEHAVIOURS AND REDUCE THE IMPACT OF NEGATIVE ATTITUDES THAT WE ENCOUNTER IN OUR DAILY AFFAIRS.
1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish. Staff should still be responsive to clients’ needs and concerns, rather than caught up in red tape and “by-the-book” procedures.
2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters.
3. Try and remember details about the person. Write them down and mention them the next time you’re chatting. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.
4. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Ask clients if there is anything you can do to improve their visit – even when you don’t want to hear their answer.
5. Give clients as much information as you can. I was recently waiting in an emergency room with my son. When the doctor arrived and began her assessment, she received an emergency page and quickly left. I was very annoyed, as my son grew restless. A nurse came by and said that the doctor had to deliver a baby and would be back shortly. That information was all that I needed to hear to make me feel better about the situation.
6. Look at the procedures that the person has to work their way through. Are you keeping them waiting, but expecting them to be on time? Make a realistic schedule, but if you are running behind, leave a message even if they may have already left for their appointment. It shows that you respect them and regret causing them any inconvenience. Can you offer them an extra service or a small token of appreciation for their patience — before they become annoyed by the delay?
7. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, they may be just the things that clients remember. If you say you cater to families, does the environment of the office really convey that when clients with children walk in? There is nothing more stressful to a parent then to try and occupy a child in a confined space. Even being a few minutes behind schedule can upset the calmest of parents. To decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.
8. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.
Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”
9. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you (and not the client) who needs to move into problem-solving mode.
10. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.
To sum up, by understanding what people expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help people feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes. And if you find yourself saying that what I am recommending will never work – well then, it may be time for you to reflect upon the negative vibes that you may be sending out.
WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING
Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-09-29 10:48:272017-09-29 10:53:33Stop Letting That Difficult Person Ruin Your Day
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering why you put up with your difficult boss. Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.
So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours. Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may increase their difficult reactions. According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.
Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads? Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.
The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.
Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.
To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:
5 quick tips that may also be helpful when dealing with a difficult boss
1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed
2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’
3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions
4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions
5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours
Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.
WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING
Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-09-15 10:32:412017-09-15 10:39:45How To Handle A Difficult Boss
Blame it on personality, lifestyle or other factors, but sometimes employees just don’t mesh. And friction in the ranks can make your office feel like a war zone.
The tension can make the workplace uncomfortable for other employees and have a dramatic effect on productivity.
But, conflict between two employees isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation or creativity.
Here are some tips to help you tactfully put out fires between feuding employees.
Step 1. Encourage employees to work it out
Remember you’re their manager, not their mother. Use your judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Managers should want their employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. Encourage your employees to manage their issues on their own. By reacting to every whine from a worker you may actually make the situation worse by feeding into the drama. This might be perceived as favoritism and turn other employees against you.
To do this successfully, first determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and the severity of the conflict. When you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know that you’re aware of the situation. You should also encourage open communication and resolution among employees. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.
Understand that many people don’t like confrontation, so they may need guidance or talking points on how to approach the other person. Hold them accountable for their actions and for resolving the issue.
Step 2. Nip it in the bud quickly
Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out and you’ll be forced to step in. Like a bad sore, if ignored too long, employee disputes can fester and infect the entire workplace and ultimately taint the reputation of your company. Workplace disputes that aren’t addressed eventually end up sucking other employees into the drama. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity. Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts.
Step 3. Listen to both sides
By the time you get involved, your office may already be buzzing with gossip. Don’t assume you know the situation based on the whispers you’ve heard around the office. First, deal with the two individuals or group of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about refocusing other staff members later. Sit the feuding employees down and ask each to explain their side of the story.
Some experts recommend this be done individually, while others believe you should discuss the problem with both at the same time. But before you do that, be sure to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. This way you can be sure you’re create an environment where you can discuss facts, not emotions.
If you determine that speaking to the employees at the same time is the best course of action, provide each employee uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward.
As a manager, you need to be as objective as possible. You never, ever want to take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse.
Step 4. Identify the real issue
Often the cause of an argument between a group of employees can get clouded by the all the emotions that surround it. Try to get each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Ask them what they want to see as an outcome. Like a doctor, treating the symptoms only puts a Band-Aid over the issue. To avoid future flare ups, you need to get to the source. Only then, will you be able to come up with a permanent solution.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing this or you don’t think you can be impartial, you may want to consider hiring a third-party mediator to handle the situation.
Step 5. Consult your employee handbook
Deciphering right from wrong may mean reviewing your company’s policy. Employee handbooks are designed to lay down consistent rules that each employee is expected to uphold at all times. Some examples policies that you may want to add into your employee handbook are “guidelines for appropriate conduct” and/or “conflict resolution policies.” More severe instances of conflict may move into the category of harassment or discrimination, so your handbook should also contain these policies as well as directions on how to file a complaint.
In order to offer a fair resolution, you’ll need to make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above the laws set forth in the workplace. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.
Step 6. Find a solution
Employers need to get employees focused on the job at hand. Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. That might require reorganizing teams or giving the employees time to “cool off” before they work together again. And remember, you have a business to run. If the conflicts continue, they could seriously affect productivity. And in some cases you may need to reevaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.
Step 7. Write it up
Employees may not like it, but it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. This will help you monitor behavior over time and keep an eye out for repeat offenders that may be polluting your office. Documenting incidents can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. Always write down details from each run-in an employee has had. Ensure that your write-up is fact-based and that you keep a copy in all involved employees’ files. Include the who, what, when, where and how as well as the resolution to which all parties agreed and committed.
Step 8. Teach them how to talk
For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these problems have communication issues already. If you’re experiencing a lot of strife among your staff, you may want to provide communication and problem solving training. These courses teach employees how to effectively articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn will help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.
Step 9. Lead by example
Much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. A culture of respectful communication is a “top down” proposition. Business owners, directors, managers and other supervisors set the tone for interaction in the workplace.
By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that values integrity and communication. When you are open and honest, employees are more likely to do the same.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-09-07 12:17:222017-09-07 12:18:15How to Deal With Employees Who Don’t Get Along
There are a few employees at my store who are great workers, but who really create tension among other staff members. How should I address this situation?
Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of tension from happening.
So why are people difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.
Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.
Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.
For others, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.
The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.
Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.
Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
Here are a few tips on ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.
1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.
2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.
3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much information as you can.
4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.
5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.
Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”
6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.
7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.
To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.
WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING
Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-08-31 13:31:362017-08-31 13:31:36Dealing With Difficult Employees
Kenneth Kaye once said, “Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital.”
Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I’ve found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations. But running from conflict will not serve anyone well. Ultimately, the elephant in the room only grows or becomes much more unwieldy.
The implications of shunning confrontation range from a breakdown of communication and damaged relationships to lowered organizational productivity and morale. Here are some questions to consider when evaluating your ability to effectively confront employees during times of conflict. Be sure to write down your answers:
• On a scale of 1-5, how comfortable are you with having tough conversations?
• What is your go-to method for handling conflict with employees? E-mail, phone, face-to-face or other?
• Is it hard for you to manage your emotions effectively when talking about a challenging or fear-inducing situation?
• How do you create an open dialogue with your team, regardless of difficult circumstances?
• How do you exhibit poise and self-control in the presence of confrontations?
• How comfortable are you with giving what might be perceived as negative feedback?
If your answers to the above are less than appealing, the following tips can guide you to build a healthy workplace culture that faces confrontation at the right time with courage and confidence:
1. Identify the opportunity. Shift the lens through which you view conflict. By adopting a positive outlook on confrontation, you’ll discover that every conflict is a new opportunity for both the other party and you to grow, develop and learn. After all, if you have tended to avoid conflict, the underlying topics and details are likely things that you have rarely, if ever, discussed, representing growth opportunities and innovative approaches you have yet to uncover.
2. Build a culture that encourages giving and receiving feedback. Ask your team for their frequent, healthy feedback, and you will begin to show boldness and encourage transparency through your example. Allowing unpleasant truths to trickle out gradually fosters a sense of camaraderie and understanding within your organization, in turn reducing the risk of future conflict. What’s more, creating honest dialogue lets your employees know their opinions are valued, raising their level of engagement. Finally, when confrontations do arise, they will feel far more inclined to receive your concerns with an open mind and an appreciation of your opinion instead of reflexively thinking the sky is falling.
3. Be proactive, but resist jumping to conclusions. Prevent problematic behavior from escalating beyond repair by taking swift action, but do not jump to conclusions before reaching a full understanding of the situation. Assume positive intent to immediately activate a spirit that diffuses the situation. Another way to be proactive is to measure your words to avoid being the source of conflict in the first place. Saying, “I need to see you in my office at 3 p.m.” has the potential to spiral reactions that “Can we prioritize the risks on your project in my office at 3 p.m.?” would otherwise sidestep.
4. Do not use e-mail for conflict. If e-mail is your go-to to manage conflict, it is time to get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Let your level of fear be your compass. The more emotion you are feeling, the more the situation is likely to be faced in person. If you don’t, you are subjecting yourself to the gravitational forces that pull these types of situations southward. Effective conflict management will require real-time awareness of the facts and your undivided attention.
5. Engage productively using storytelling. Before any confrontation, consider that the other person may be right from the beginning and question your own opinion. When you do present your concerns, start with storytelling if you can, rather than headlining with any abrupt, premature summaries of your stance on the matter(s) at hand. We experience our lives through stories, which are entertaining and engaging. Make your case and then create space for the other person to process and respond to you, and truly listen to them.
Using Humor To Alleviate The Burden Of Confrontation
Here’s an example conflict of a peer ignoring your emails or requests. Say you have an eight-year-old named Janet.
You: “You know, it’s hilarious that lately when I call Janet in the other room, I can holler four or five times, and no answer.”
Peer: “You, too, huh? Yeah, no one is exempt.”
You: “But if I yell something like ‘Hey, it’s time for ice cream!’ she’ll break furniture and run over the dog to get to me.”
Peer: (laughing) “As I said, no one is exempt.”
You: “I think I’m going to start sending you e-mails about ice cream.”
Now it’s all in the delivery, and every relationship requires its own special touch, but humor and storytelling, like in the example above, are much more effective than just sending an instant message or e-mail. Wouldn’t that be ironic saying, “Why don’t you answer any of my e-mails?”
By being fully accountable to the demands of leadership, and committing yourself to the above steps, almost every confrontation you have can be redirected toward a productive outcome. Those former self-doubts and insecurities that hindered your ability to face conflict will be replaced with confident, courageous resolve and an understanding of the healthy dynamics that can move your business forward faster than you ever thought possible.
Article by, Laura Berger
Laura Berger is principal at the Berdeo Group
Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?
Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.
This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.
“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”
The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.
The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.
Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.
The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”
Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.
Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”
The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.
It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”
Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.
Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.
The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.
When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”
How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?
My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.
Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-07-14 11:19:002017-07-14 11:19:00The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You
Three Tips for Dealing with a Person with Aggressive Behavior
Learning how to deal with aggressive behavior in your team members, your peers or even your manager will contribute to a healthier organization.
Our company has expertise in providing coaching for abrasive and aggressive managers.
In our Front Line Leadership program, we do an activity from a company called Human Synergistics that helps leaders identify whether the people they have conflict with are constructive, passive or aggressive.
Most leaders have the biggest challenge with aggressively defensive people and are eager to hear some tips for how to communicate more effectively with an aggressive individual.
It’s important to realize that aggressive behavior is defensive in nature.
While the majority of people protect themselves with more passive strategies like avoidance, playing by the rules or being liked and accepted by others, some people believe a strong offense is a good defense.
Their aggressiveness works most of the time by keeping people around them, back on their heels and fearful of the confrontation.
There are few defining characteristics that indicate a person is aggressive defensive.
First, they tend to argue and criticize, sometimes even when they don’t understand an issue.
By pointing out the flaws in others, they try to keep people from seeing their own flaws. They’re reluctant to make suggestions for fear that it will open them up to being criticized by others.
Secondly, aggressive people tend to be overly controlling and like all decisions and information to flow through them.
They don’t share well and they don’t like to admit when they’re wrong.
Third, aggressive people tend to be overly competitive and constantly comparing themselves against others. They hate losing and if they perceive even the chance of losing, they’ll tend to withdraw and retreat.
Here are three tips for dealing with an aggressive person:
#1 Be Direct
The only language an aggressive person understands is directness.
Hinting and beating around the bush will only add fuel to an aggressive person’s fire.
While it might take some courage standing up to an aggressive person and directly telling them to stop, you will usually gain their respect and cause them to be less aggressive – at least with you.
#2 Be Prepared with Facts and Figures
Be prepared by having the facts and figures on hand when communicating with an aggressive person. This will help you counteract their strong opinions.
Remember that an aggressive person will form strong negative opinions in the absence of full information. Your best tool to counteract those opinions is with good support of data.
The aggressive person will tend to withdraw rather than concede defeat so don’t expect them to change their mind or tell you that you’re right and that they’re wrong.
#3 Stay Engaged
It’ll be tempting for you to avoid dealing with the aggressive person. Even though it will go against your instinct, keep building relationships with them.
Remember that they’re counting on their ill temper to keep people at a distance and protect their lack of self confidence and self esteem.
By continuing to engage them in small talk and involving them in decision making and problem solving, you’ll show them that they don’t have to be defensive towards you.
This could cause them to be less aggressive with you in the future.
Remaining confidently calm with aggressive people you interact with, will help you get maximum value from their contributions to the team and it might even help them get along better with their co-workers, because of your positive influence.
To continue your growth as a leader, you are invited to check out our books, videos and training workshops and join our Facebook community at: frontlineleadership.com
Action you can take:
Develop the leadership skills that front line supervisors, team leaders and managers need to improve safety, productivity and quality, while maximizing the involvement of all team members. Whether you need foundational skills or a specialized workshop, reach out and start a conversation today.
Article by,
Greg Schinkel, CSP, President Front Line Leadership Systems
Develop the skills your team needs to drive results and maximize engagement. Call us at 1-866-700-9043 or emailinfo@frontlineleadership.comor use the link below to contact us today.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-07-06 13:52:482017-07-06 13:57:36How to Handle Aggressive Behavior
We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:
1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.
2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.
3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.
4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.
5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.
6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).
7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.
8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!
9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).
10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.
Article by,
Joyce MarterPsychotherapist Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-06-27 09:26:082017-06-27 09:28:3110 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution
When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.
1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.
2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.
3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.
4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.
5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.
6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.
7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.
8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.
9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.
10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.
Article by, Nathalie Boutet
Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-06-15 09:39:442017-06-15 09:39:44Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.
It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult Coworker
I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.
Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.
Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.
Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-06-02 08:15:342017-06-02 08:16:14How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.
One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.
Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.
Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.
Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.
So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.
First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.
Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.
In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:
• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological
So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:
• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution
Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?
As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.
And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.
A former colleague holds complete conversations in his head with people with whom he is angry. He rarely speaks directly with the other person. This anger in his mind continues to build because of his frustration, yet he never lets the other person know that he is frustrated and subsequently angry.
His conflict avoidance almost cost him his marriage because he didn’t let his wife into the conversations he was having with her but by himself.
It was almost too late by the time he did bring her into the real conversation.
His need to avoid confrontation is so strong that he has a safe confrontation in his mind and feels that he has dealt with the issue. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work – especially for the other person involved.
Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation. I understand the concept of having the conversation in your head; so you can plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sometimes these mental conversations are enough to settle the issue, as you realize you are making too much out of a simple situation.
I know that I have spent hours lying in bed at night having conversations with people with whom I am angry and frustrated. Not only does this practice disrupt your sleep, your attitude, and your health, it never really resolves the issue, and is potentially damaging to your relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you need to confront every action. If you have the conversation once in your head, don’t worry about it. If it comes back and you have it again, perhaps start thinking about holding a real conversation.
By the third in your head confrontation, you need to start planning how you will deal with the real confrontation because it looks as if you are going to need to do that.
How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation
Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.
For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.
Say instead, “It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see.”
(I’ve used additional communication techniques such as I-language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)
Make your initial statement and stop talking.
When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It’s a human tendency, but don’t make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.
Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.
Especially since you’ve probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it’s a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.
Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take the blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.
Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.
If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she’ll say something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week.”
If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don’t get into an argument about whether she did or didn’t mention anything to the boss last week – that isn’t really the issue and don’t let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.
Your response could be, “I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project.”
Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.
The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don’t fight.
The issue is you aren’t receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That’s it. It isn’t about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.
You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can’t stand up for yourself, who will?
Article By, Rhonda Scharf
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-05-18 10:52:512017-05-18 10:52:51Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict
Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience. In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.
Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives: at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities. How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction. The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.
The goal of conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship. When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:
Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.
Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.
Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.
Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager: knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.
Conflict Management Styles
The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with. These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict. These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times. However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.
1. Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises. This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.
2. Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns. Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice. This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.
3. Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.
4. Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution: one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals. It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.
5. Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.
Conflict Management Strategies
These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:
• issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
• relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
• relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
• available time: how much time you have to resolve the issue.
By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.
Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:
1. Avoid
Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict. When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
• the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
• you are upset and need to time to cool off
• there are more important issues to deal with
• you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
• you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.
However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.
2. Accommodate
Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party. Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time. The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
• an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
• you realize you are wrong
• the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
• harmony in the relationship is extremely important.
The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful. Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.
3. Compromise
When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions. However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can. Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
• people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
• you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
• the goals are moderately important.
However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details. Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues. The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.
4. Collaborate
Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues. The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns. Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
• the parties trust each other
• it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
• the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
• the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.
The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy. If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.
5. Compete
Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken. It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win. Compete is appropriate when
• you know you are right
• time is short and a quick decision is needed
• you need to stand up for your rights.
However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.
How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style. Where has it worked for you? Where did it let you down? What were the consequences?
Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation. The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.
In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict. This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.
By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.
Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success. In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and Personal Branding and Networking. She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-05-05 11:28:522017-05-05 11:29:53Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management
Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.
Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.
While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.
1. They set limits.
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.
2. They rise above.
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.
3. They stay aware of their emotions.
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
4. They establish boundaries.
This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.
5. They don’t die in the fight.
Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.
6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.
7. They don’t forget.
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
8. They squash negative self-talk.
Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
9. They get some sleep.
I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
10. They use their support system.
It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-04-28 09:45:572017-04-28 09:45:57How Smart People Handle Difficult People
People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.
Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.
It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.
What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.
So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.
You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:
Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.
The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.
Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.
Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.
Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”
Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.
There are three steps to this.
Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”
Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.
Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.
About the Author
Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-04-20 11:23:232017-04-20 11:23:23Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People
Whiners, Know-It-Alls, and Steamrollers: Strategies to cope with even the most hard-to-take personalities.
We’ve all been there. There are just some people we can’t stand! Perhaps it’s the Whiner whose complaining drives you to distraction. Or it may be the Steamroller who makes you crazy—the person who pushes her ideas and never lets others get a word. People like this can make your PTO leadership experience seem endless and stressful, even blocking achievement of some of your most critical goals.
Every person has his own triggers when it comes to dealing with difficult people. Those triggers stem from your background, perspectives, and from your goals in the situation at hand. But there is good news. There are ways to deal with even the most difficult people that can bring out both their best and your best.
The first step, described by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner in their book Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, is to get to know your difficult person—to know what needs that person may be trying to fulfill that cause the problematic behavior. Successful leaders listen carefully to figure out the underlying motives.
Generally, people in any given situation are task oriented or people oriented. Their concerns center on one of four goals: getting the task done, getting the task done right, getting along with people, or being appreciated by people. When they perceive that their concern is threatened—the task is not getting done, it is being done incorrectly, people are becoming angry in the process, or they feel unappreciated for their contributions—difficult people resort to certain knee-jerk responses. Responses range from the passive, such as withdrawal, to aggressive, such as steamrolling or exploding. The difficult person often does not recognize that his behavior contributes to the very problems that he is attempting to address.
Brinkman and Kirschner identify 10 different behavior patterns often exhibited by people under pressure.
The Steamroller (or Tank): Aggressive and angry. Victims can feel paralyzed, as though they’ve been flattened.
The Sniper: The Sniper’s forte is sarcasm, rude remarks, and eye rolls. Victims look and feel foolish.
The Know-It-All: Wielding great authority and knowledge, Know-It-Alls do have lots to offer, are generally competent, and can’t stand to be contradicted or corrected. But they will go out of their way to correct you.
The Grenade: Grenades tend to explode into uncontrolled ranting that has little, if anything, to do with what has actually happened.
The Think They Know It All: A cocksure attitude often fools people into believing their phony “facts.”
The Yes Person: Someone who wants to please others so much that she never says no.
The Maybe Person: Procrastinating, hoping to steer clear of choices that will hurt feelings, he avoids decisions, causing plenty of frustration along the way.
The Blank Wall (or Nothing Person): This person offers only a blank stare, no verbal or nonverbal signals.
The No Person: He spreads gloom, doom, and despair whenever any new ideas arise, or even when old ones are recycled. The No Person saps energy from a group in an amazingly short time.
The Whiner: Whiners feel helpless most of the time and become overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. They want things to be perfect, but nothing seems to go right. Whiners want to share their misery.
Just Get It Done!
Chances are you have had to deal with at least a few of these characters. These are not odd or weird people. They may even be you upon occasion. Everyone has the potential to be difficult given the right, or wrong, circumstances. To understand why, return to the concept of a basic orientation toward people or task. Couple that with the typical ways people respond under pressure, on a continuum from aggressive to assertive to passive. Then add in the goals people have under different circumstances.
According to Brinkman and Kirschner, when the goal is to “get it done,” people with a task orientation and aggressive temperament tend to dig in and become more controlling. They are the Snipers, the Steamrollers, and the Know-It-Alls. From their point of view, the rest of us are goofing off, obtuse, or just plain taking too long. The Steamroller can run over you if you get in the way. The Sniper often uses sarcasm to embarrass and humiliate at strategic moments. The Know-It-All dominates with erudite, lengthy arguments that discredit others and wear down opponents.
When the goal is to “get it right,” people under pressure who still have a task orientation but a more passive personality become helpless, hopeless, and/or perfectionistic. They become the Whiners, No People, and Blank Walls. When Whiners are thwarted, they begin to feel helpless and generalize to the entire world. Instead of looking for solutions, they complain endlessly that nothing is right, exacerbating the situation by annoying everyone around them.
No People feel more hopeless than helpless. Like A.A. Milne’s Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, their sense of gloom carries its own cloud. Their certainty that things can never be right can pull down morale for an entire group. Blank Walls simply withdraw. They will bear no responsibility when things aren’t exactly right.
Drive To Survive
People who want to “get along” tend to focus more on the people in a situation. When they are innately passive, they become approval-seeking Yes People, Maybe People, and sometimes Blank Walls. Yes People overcommit and underdeliver in an effort to please everyone. Their lack of follow-through can have disastrous consequences for which they do not feel responsible, because they are just trying to be helpful. When, instead, the people they want to get along with become furious, they may offer to do even more, building their lives on what other people want and also building a deep well of resentment.
Maybe People avoid conflict by avoiding any choice at all. Making a choice may upset someone, and then blame will be heaped on the person who decided. Maybe People delay choosing until the choice is made for them by someone else or by the circumstances. When Blank Walls have a people orientation, they want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. The old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” gets carried to the ultimate extreme in this case. But Blank Walls also avoid sharing anything genuine or honest about themselves and therefore never really achieve the “getting along” goal.
Like To Be Liked
To “get appreciated” is the ultimate goal of people-focused, more aggressive folks. They include the Grenade, the Think They Know It All, and sometimes the Sniper. They share attention-seeking behaviors that never accomplish what they intend. The Grenades are aggressive Rodney Dangerfields; they think they get no respect or appreciation. When that feeling builds to a certain point, they have an adult temper tantrum. It’s not pretty and it certainly gets attention, but blowing up never gets them to the ultimate goal of appreciation.
The Think They Know It All person knows a little bit about a lot. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic that his half-facts and exaggerations can sound plausible and persuasive. When people discover that these people really don’t know what they are talking about, the attention they seek becomes negative.
The Sniper in this case is attempting to gain attention by being playful. Many people engage in playful sniping, but we all need to be careful about how it is being received. Whether it is funny or painful is truly in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes this kind of sniping is passed off as teasing, which can leave scars even when it’s friendly.
Looking in the Mirror
So what can you do to change the course of your interactions with these difficult people? There are some simple strategies that work well with practice and patience.
In general, when your difficult person speaks, make your goal habit number five in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand.” Often, unless you’re dealing with the Grenade or other overt hostility, it helps to mirror some of the nonverbal cues the person displays. Don’t overdo, as it can look like mocking if you copy every gesture. Your aim, according to Brinkman and Kirschner, is “blending.” If you adopt some of the same traits as your person, such as a facial expression or posture, you send the message that you are “with” them, on the same wave length. Blending begins to facilitate trust. Often we do this kind of thing without even noticing that it’s happening. You also need to blend vocally with the person you’re trying to understand. Volume and pace are two examples of how to blend with another person. Blending is how you begin to build rapport with people and signal that you are really listening. The only exception is yelling.
Also, some of what the person says needs to be repeated in a technique that counselors call “reflection.” This is a way of feeding back what you’ve heard, on both feeling and content levels, so that a person is sure that you’ve heard him. With no interpretation and without parroting exactly, use some of his actual words to demonstrate your understanding. How much to do it depends on the person you’re dealing with. With Steamrollers, keep reflection to a minimum. With Know-It-Alls, Yes People, and Maybe People, a great deal of reflection may be useful. This is especially true on the feeling level with Yes and Maybe People.
Get to the Real Issues
Next, ask clarifying questions to help your difficult person open up and to ensure that you fully understand all she has to say. The kinds of questions you want are open-ended, those to which there is more than a yes or no answer. They begin with what, how, where, who, when, and sometimes why—without an accusatory tone. A simple “Tell me more about…” can also serve the same purpose.
The importance of this information-gathering stage cannot be overstated. It keeps you out of a reactionary mode and helps you bring all of the issues to the surface. At the same time, it shows that you really care about what the person has to say. It can also begin to defuse emotions and help the person think more logically.
Finally, still in a “seek to understand” mode, summarize what you have heard and confirm your understanding. Do not assume you “got it.” Ask, “Did I get it right?” If not, keep listening until the person is satisfied that you understand.
The next step in the process has to do with attitude. Search for and acknowledge that the other person’s intentions are positive. This means giving the person you are dealing with the benefit of the doubt. Brinkman and Kirschner advise, “Ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind a person’s communication or behavior and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up. Even if the intent you try to blend with isn’t true, you can still get a good response and create rapport.”
Some Specific Responses
Consider this example.
“One of the duties of the vice president is to choose which six members go to the PTO Show this year,” Jerry reminded Jennifer again. “You have only two weeks before the deadline. Do you have any idea whom you want to go?”
“Not yet,” said Jennifer. “I want to be sure I make the right decision.”
“People need to make their plans, and we need to commit the money. The sooner you make a decision, the better for everyone,” prodded Jerry.
“OK. I’ll get to it,” promised Jennifer.
The next week, when Jerry inquired again, Jennifer said, “I’m still thinking about it!”
Jennifer is a Maybe Person. She will delay her decision until there is almost no decision to make because the deadline has passed or people can no longer rearrange their schedules with the short notice. Jerry might say to Jennifer, “I appreciate the care you are taking with this decision, Jennifer. I know you don’t want to leave out anyone who would like to go or who deserves this special reward. Who have you considered?” Simply stating understanding of Jennifer’s positive intention may unlock her indecision enough to move forward.
The next step to take when conflict emerges is to go beyond people’s stated positions to identify underlying interests or objectives. Brinkman and Kirschner call these “highly valued criteria.” They are the “reasons why” people desire specific outcomes.
Here’s another example:
Susan had agreed to chair the annual PTO carnival. The second planning meeting was underway when Marge, the vice president of the group and also the immediate past chairperson, barged into the room and started to berate Susan. “I heard that you’re eliminating the dunking booth! What a dumb decision. Don’t you have any brains at all? I thought you’d do a good job and now you’re making decisions that will ruin our carnival! Now here’s what you have to do…” And with that she barked orders while everyone else on the committee stared in disbelief. As quickly as she had come, she turned around and left.
Marge typifies the aggressive, angry style of the Tank or Steamroller. Once Susan gets her calmed down, it would be important to ask, “Why the dunking booth?” If she replies that the day invariably is hot and people enjoy the splashing and cooling effect of the water, then you have her underlying interest on the table. Another water game might satisfy that interest just as well, but you do need to slow the Steamroller down before you can get to the whys.
Say What You Mean
Stephen Covey’s habit number five also has a second part. Part one, “Seek first to understand …,” is followed by part two, “…then to be understood.” Once you have put in the time and hard work of deep listening, the goal is to speak so that you may in turn be understood. But watch your tone of voice. The old saying applies: It’s not just what you say but also how you say it.
The next step is to state your positive intentions: “I care that people at the carnival have a chance to cool off, too. I want to make it a fun and safe day.” When the Steamroller starts to interrupt again, tactfully intervene. Repeating someone’s name over and over until she stops to listen can accomplish that end. So Susan might say, “Marge. Marge. Excuse me, Marge.” Once the person has paused, you can insert your positive intent or a clarifying question, for instance. Then speak about the situation as you honestly see it. Use “I” statements, be as specific as possible, point out the impact of the behavior, and suggest a new behavior or option.
So Susan might say, “Marge, I appreciate your input. I know you want the carnival to go well, the same as I do. We replaced the dunking booth with another feature for a good reason. When you try to override our decisions without asking why, it sure makes the rest of us feel like our work isn’t worth much. Would you sit down and discuss our plans with us?” Marge may try to raise the volume and continue to steamroll, at which point Susan would need to start repeating her name again until she stops. Once Susan gets her piece said, she will need to be ready to stop and listen again.
When you have a Blank Wall, the person who chooses the ultimate passive response instead of an aggressive response, your tactics need to be a little different. First, even though you may not feel particularly relaxed, calm yourself. It will not help to push, so plan plenty of time. Ask the open-ended questions with an expectant tone and body language. Try to lighten things up with absurd guesses as to the cause of the silence. Be careful with humor, but if you can get at least a smile, it’s a beginning.
Make It a Habit
Difficult people are really all of us. Depending on the circumstances and our own perspectives, our behaviors can slip-slide into the childish, rude, or even churlish realms. The key is to think first instead of simply reacting when we feel pressured by time or by the competing interests and needs of others.
Thoughtful responses can help people identify their real needs and break negative behavior patterns that don’t serve anyone well. If you make a habit of listening deeply, assuming best intentions, looking for common ground, reinforcing and expecting people’s best behavior along the way, then the difficult people in your life may come to view you as a respected friend—as opposed to one of their most difficult people.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2017-01-26 13:40:262017-01-26 13:45:16How To Deal With Difficult People
I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.
Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!
An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.
In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.
When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.
I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.
When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.
She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.
Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.
I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.
I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.
Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.
I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.
Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.
Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.
When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away
I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-12-13 09:24:262016-12-13 09:25:39Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer
Most of us encounter unreasonable people in our lives. We may be “stuck” with a difficult individual at work or at home. It’s easy to let a challenging person affect us and ruin our day. What are some of the keys to empowering yourself in such situations? Below are ten keys to handling unreasonable and difficult people, with references to my book (click on title): “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People”. Keep in mind that these are general rules of thumb, and not all of the tips may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
1. Keep Your Cool
Benefits: Maintain self-control. Avoid escalation of problem.
How: The first rule in the face of an unreasonable person is to maintain your composure; the less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation.
When you feel angry or upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of escalate the problem. If you’re still upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you calm down.
2. “Fly Like an Eagle”
Benefits: More peace of mind. Reduce risk of friction.
How: Some people in our lives are simply not worth tussling with. Your time is valuable, so unless there’s something important at stake, don’t waste it by trying to change or convince a person who’s negatively entrenched. As the saying goes: “You can’t fly like an eagle if you hang out with turkeys!” Whether you’re dealing with a difficult colleague or an annoying relative, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article when you need to interact with them. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.
3. Shift from Being Reactive to Proactive
Benefits: Minimize misinterpretation & misunderstanding. Concentrate energy on problem-solving.
How: When you feel offended by someone’s words or deeds, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think that my co-worker is ignoring my messages, or I can consider the possibility that she’s been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
Another way to reduce personalization is to try to put ourselves in the difficult individual’s shoes, even for just a moment. For example, consider the person you’re dealing with, and complete the sentence: “It must not be easy….”
“My child is being so resistant. It must not be easy to deal with his school and social pressures…”
“My boss is really demanding. It must not be easy to have such high expectations placed on her performance by management…”
“My partner is so emotionally distant. It must not be easy to come from a family where people don’t express affection…”
To be sure, empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that people do what they do because of their own issues. As long as we’re being reasonable and considerate, difficult behaviors from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalizing, we can view the situation more objectively, and come up with better ways of solving the problem.
4. Pick Your Battles
Benefits: Save time, energy and grief. Avoid unnecessary problems and complications.
How: Not all difficult individuals we face require direct confrontation about their behavior. There are two scenarios under which you might decide not to get involved. The first is when someone has temporary, situational power over you. For example, if you’re on the phone with an unfriendly customer service representative, as soon as you hang up and call another agent, this representative will no longer have power over you.
Another situation where you might want to think twice about confrontation is when, by putting up with the difficult behavior, you derive a certain benefit. An example of this would be an annoying co-worker, for although you dislike her, she’s really good at providing analysis for your team, so she’s worth the patience. It’s helpful to remember that most difficult people have positive qualities as well, especially if you know how to elicit them (see keys #5 and 6).
In both scenarios, you have the power to decide if a situation is serious enough to confront. Think twice, and fight the battles that are truly worth fighting.
5. Separate the Person From the Issue
Benefits: Establish yourself as a strong problem solver with excellent people skills. Win more rapport, cooperation and respect.
How: In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The relationship you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the person and firm on the issue. For example:
“I want to talk about what’s on your mind, but I can’t do it when you’re yelling. Let’s either sit down and talk more quietly, or take a time out and come back this afternoon.”
“I appreciate you putting a lot of time into this project. At the same time, I see that three of the ten requirements are still incomplete. Let’s talk about how to finish the job on schedule.”
“I really want you to come with us. Unfortunately, if you’re going to be late like the last few times, we’ll have to leave without you.”
When we’re soft on the person, people are more open to what we have to say. When we’re firm on the issue, we show ourselves as strong problem solvers.
6. Put the Spotlight on Them
Benefits: Proactive. Equalize power in communication. Apply appropriate pressure to reduce difficult behavior.
How: A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that they like to place attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate. Typically, they’re quick to point out there’s something not right with you or the way you do things. The focus is consistently on “what’s wrong,” instead of “how to solve the problem.”
This type of communication is often intended to dominate and control, rather than to sincerely take care of issues. If you react by being on the defensive, you simply fall into the trap of being scrutinized, thereby giving the aggressor more power while she or he picks on you with impunity. A simple and powerful way to change this dynamic is to put the spotlight back on the difficult person, and the easiest way to do so is to ask questions. For example:
Aggressor: “Your proposal is not even close to what I need from you.”
Response: “Have you given clear thought to the implications of what you want to do?”
Aggressor: “You’re so stupid.”
Response: “If you treat me with disrespect I’m not going to talk with you anymore. Is that what you want? Let me know and I will decide if I want to stay or go.”
Keep your questions constructive and probing. By putting the difficult person in the spotlight, you can help neutralize her or his undue influence over you.
Benefits: Disarm unreasonable and difficult behavior when correctly used. Show your detachment. Avoid being reactive. Problem rolls off your back.
How: Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck up. One day a colleague of mine said “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped: “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.
When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In my book (click on title): “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.
8. Change from Following to Leading
Benefit: Leverage direction and flow of communication.
How: In general, whenever two people are communicating, one is usually doing more leading, while the other is doing more following. In healthy communication, two people would take turns leading and following. However, some difficult people like to take the lead, set a negative tone, and harp on “what’s wrong” over and over.
You can interrupt this behavior simply by changing the topic. As mentioned earlier, utilize questions to redirect the conversation. You can also say “By the way…” and initiate a new subject. When you do so, you’re taking the lead and setting a more constructive tone.
9. Confront Bullies (Safely)
Benefits: Reduce or eliminate harmful behavior. Increase confidence and peace of mind.
How: The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light.
“When people don’t like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.” — Tom Hiddleston
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” — Paramhansa Yogananda
“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It’s the bully who’s insecure.” — Shay Mitchell
When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals on the matter. It’s very important to stand up to bullies, and you don’t have to do it alone.
10. Set Consequence
Benefits: Proactive not reactive. Shift balance of power. Win respect and cooperation when appropriately applied.
How: The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills we can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the challenging individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. In “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.
In conclusion, to know how to handle unreasonable and difficult people is to truly master the art of communication. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less grief, greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication prowess. You are on your way to leadership success!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-10-14 10:54:402016-10-14 10:55:57Ten Keys to Handling Unreasonable & Difficult People
With winter in Ontario only a few short months away, I’m reminded of receiving my license. It was a blustery Saturday when the Young Drivers instructor was coaching me through skid maneuvering. We were in the parking lot of a local grocery store and trying (that’s right, on purpose) to get the car to skid out of control. The maneuver wasn’t that difficult, just speed towards a snow bank and then turn sharply and hit the gas. BOOM – instant skid.
What was interesting about the training was how to get out of a skid. I can still remember when I made it into my first skid. I nervously grasped the wheel and shouted out to my instructor, “now what?!”
She replied, “Turn in the direction of the skid.”
What??!
It would seem that by turning into the skid you gain control of the vehicle again. Counter-intuitive to what you might think.
This philosophy came to mind recently during the formulation of a strategy with a large board for a publicly traded company. We had one employee who had been around for years and who, despite everyone’s desire to walk on eggshells in his presence, was an obstacle.
You might think I’m exaggerating, but let me ask you, if the board members name someone during the swat analysis as being an “obstacle,” do you think it’s a recognized issue? Absolutely!
I’ve learned over the years that the most difficult obstacles in any organization are often the ones that are living and breathing. You know what I mean. There’s Bob in the corner office who is stuck in his ways, or Sally who has been with the organization since its inception and disagrees with everything you say.
Living, breathing obstacles are often the most difficult to overcome. If only we could tuck them away somewhere, like in the trunk of a car… (Kidding. Sort of.)
The interesting thing is that dealing with this type of obstacle is no different than dealing with a skid on icy roads.
You need to agree with them.
That’s right; agree with what they are suggesting, when they suggest it. Give them the floor, let them speak their mind, and agree with them.
Sound counter-intuitive? Well, it might be, but it’s the only way to diffuse them as an obstacle.
I’ve repeatedly found that when you let those who oppose ideas fully voice their opinion, they tend to lose their stamina. In fact, I often find that those who are most boisterous are often so as a result of having others dismiss their ideas for long periods of time. The longer they perceive they are ignored, the more of an “obstacle” they become.
If you allow them a stage to fully voice their opinion and explain it to others, there is an 80% chance they will feel listened to, validated, and be prepared in turn to fully listen to the ideas of other.
So the next time you have someone speaking out in rebellion towards the ideas of your board or leadership team, give them the floor and hear them out. You just might find that not only do they share some information that may have been missing from their earlier explanations, but they actually lose momentum and avoid skidding out of control.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-10-04 10:18:432016-10-04 10:49:21How to Extinguish a Disgruntled Leader
Someone will talk about you in the future, too, and they won’t always say nice things.
If you’re under the misguided belief that no one has ever said anything bad about you behind your back, you’re naïve. Sometimes it’s even the people you consider friends who will stab you in the back.
There are some things you can do to minimize the harmful effects a backstabber will have on you.
Try not to take it personally. Even though it may feel like it, it’s actually not about you. When someone is talking smack about you, it’s because they either feel threatened by you, or they feel there is something to be gained. So stop taking it personally, because it’s about the other person — not you.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt
Choose your battles. This is not your cue to fight back. It may be tempting to give your backstabber that stare that lasts a few seconds too long, or to walk right up to them and say, “Game on!” But while it’s tempting, it’s not smart; don’t do it.
Your backstabber is probably better at this than you are, so you’re bound to come out of the exchange worse off. Plus, what will it say about you when you stoop to their level? It will say a lot of negative things about you, so don’t do it.
“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” ―George Bernard Shaw
There may be times when you need to confront your backstabber (as a last resort: See #5), so take the high road and don’t give anyone a reason to think that perhaps the backstabber is right, and you are an awful person, after all.
If you do need to confront your backstabber, check out my previous article here
Be smarter than they are. That means you won’t be giving them a knife to stick in your back ever again. You need to pay attention to what you say, what comments you make, the opinions you share, and the fact they are probably looking to catch you doing or saying something you shouldn’t. Don’t give them the opportunity. Learn to be evasive, or learn to stop talking when they’re around. Choose your words and actions wisely. Be on the defensive, and stay at least one step ahead of your backstabber.
Act your age. Don’t respond like a child. Don’t go running to all your friends at work and complain to them about what is happening. If you do, you are being a backstabber right back.
You need to document what is going on. It may start as a simple issue, but perhaps what you are dealing with is a bully in training. Make sure you have documentation about who, what, where, when, and how the backstabbing happened.
There will be times when you do need to go to your boss, or someone higher, and let them know what’s going on. Don’t be a tattletale; instead, be a prepared professional. Don’t focus on how it makes you feel, but focus on the negative consequences to the company and your department.
Confront, if needed. I mentioned earlier that there are times when you should confront your backstabber.
If someone is talking smack about my spending habits, my car, my shoes, or my personal life, I don’t think twice about it. To me, that is clearly jealousy and if it makes the other person feel better to talk smack about me because of their jealousy, I can live with that.
If you struggle with it, go back to tip number one.
But if someone is talking smack about me professionally, about what I do and how I got where I am, then I’ll confront them. That type of backstabbing is potentially dangerous to my professional reputation and my career, and it needs to be stopped.
However, before I confront the person I will make sure that I’ve cooled down. I won’t confront anyone when I’m upset and angry. I’ll also speak to my boss or HR to be sure of the route they want me to take. And, I’ll make sure that I’ve documented what I want to say, and prepared for the confrontation to ensure that I do what I need to do. I need to respond to the person’s words and get them to stop, not react emotionally.
If you hear someone talking smack about me, please tell me. If you know that someone is talking smack about you, either because caught him or her at it or because someone told you, follow the advice above.
Dealing with enemies is never easy. Remember that they do have an agenda; they are trying to get ahead, at your expense. Deal with them professionally and consistently, and very quickly they will learn not to mess with you!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-09-20 10:45:332016-09-23 10:48:08Dealing with Enemies
We’re exactly two months from Election Day, and the closer we get to Nov. 8, the more prevalent election discussions will become in the office. Fortunately, Americans have the ability to openly discuss and debate candidates and the divisive issues they raise. However, not everyone is articulate or open to constructive discourse.
As such, political conversations at work can become heated or overly personal and can lead to unnecessary tension in the office. Here are five ways to diffuse awkward conversations before they become heated arguments.
1. Go along
Polite nods and active listening are the most common ways to avoid arguments. The risk is the person on his soap box springing off his feelings about gun control will think you agree with him. If that’s your boss, it might be OK. But if not and you truly disagree with what’s being said, just be aware of the possible implications of your silence.
2. Ask questions
A great way to handle any overly passionate person is to ask questions about her passion. It helps you control the situation while allowing her to continue talking about the topic. Think of it like an interview and ask open-ended questions. Once it goes on long enough, you can always interrupt her, tell her you’ll have to finish out later and get back to work.
3. Change the topic to talking about politics at work
A colleague of mine who is also a consultant uses this one all the time. As soon as the conversation turns to opinions and declarations about candidates, she says how excited she is that someone brought it up and asks everyone within earshot their opinion about talking politics at work.
This approach requires active participation in managing the conversation, but it usually results in a win for everyone by exposing how people feel about the discussions themselves. Normally, those in favor of it go off and debate to their hearts are content, leaving the uninterested parties to their work.
4. Excuse yourself, involve someone else
Sometimes it is your cubicle neighbor who insists on recapping every campaign trail tidbit first thing in the morning, making it difficult for you to avoid. In such cases, it may be helpful to involve HR to remind everyone of the workplace policy about political discussions.
No HR? No workplace policy? Then find the person in the office who everyone listens to and get his advice on how to handle it.
5. Look … it’s football!
Sometimes distraction is the easiest way to go — especially when you’re stuck in the break room listening to John and Sallie argue about America’s greatness for the hundredth time and they once again try to enlist you for support. Tell them you are tired of politics for now and ask them if they watched football over the weekend. This sports distraction may help you eat your leftovers in peace for today.
The bottom line is: November will be here soon, and no one will know how you voted. Find some patience and a way to embrace these exercises in democracy. Remember, this kind of thing only happens once every four years — try to enjoy it!
About the Author
Catherine Iste is CEO of Humint Advisors, Inc., an operations consultancy creating sustainable systems that inspire productivity and efficiency. Catherine’s specialties and interests include difficult HR and organizational dynamics issues, the pursuit of work/life balance, ethics and discussing and writing about them all. Feel free to contact her at: contactus@humintadvisors.com.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2016-09-14 08:59:472016-09-14 09:03:325 ways to diffuse political arguments at work
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