About the author

Daniel Kehrer
Daniel Kehrer, Founder & Managing Director of BizBest Media Corp., is a nationally-known, award-winning expert on small and local business, start-ups, content marketing, entrepreneurship and social media, with an MBA from UCLA/Anderson.

Workplace conflicts can sap energy from any small business. Resolving issues quickly and effectively – and helping prevent them from occurring again – is critical to smooth sailing. Business managers overall spend an estimated 40 percent of their time dealing with conflicts both big and small, so it’s no trivial matter.

It’s a fact of business life. Disagreements, disputes, and honest differences exist everywhere. For small business owners and entrepreneurs, the key is this: By treating conflicts as catalysts for increasing energy and productivity, you can turn them from negatives into positives.

Here are five ways to make workplace conflicts constructive:
1. Break the ice first
Most people are ready to complain, debate, or argue at the outset of any conflict. They’ve conjured up their best arguments and are ready to do battle – usually without giving the matter any careful thought.

Try to avoid addressing the topic of the controversy immediately. That can get people stuck in their positions. What you need is a way to open a conversation about a difficult issue in a non-threatening way. An icebreaker in this case is not idle chitchat, but a smooth transition.

For example, the ideal opener might ask for a person’s own take on something both work-related and positive. For example, if the conflict involves two workers involved in the same project, ask each of them how they became involved and what they hoped to achieve.

2. Don’t simply try to mediate.
Many business owners try to be neutral “third-party” mediators in workplace conflicts when in fact that’s not their role. Your obligation is to the interests of the business and others who work there, and you need a combination of skills, structure, and finesse to express (and impose) your own view on how things need to be. You are the boss, after all.

3. Listen closely and talk less.
Sometimes what you don’t say is more important than what you do. Good outcomes come from listening carefully to others. This sends a positive message that you are genuinely concerned. And it’s simply the best way to get to the bottom of what’s really going on. To get this going, try asking an open-ended question (not a yes or no). Then listen carefully to that person’s side of the story. Quickly re-insert yourself into the discussion if it turns negative.

4. Use positive language and encourage others to do the same.
Any frustrated business owner knows how easy it can be to slip into negativity after a conflict erupts. Always think before you speak. Remember, it’s a conversation, not a trial. If you keep the language positive, whoever you speak to will likely mirror what you’re doing.

Even the needs of the business can be expressed in positive terms, which will lead to a better tone overall. For example, you can say, “This is affecting the entire business, and we need to address it so we can get everyone focused back on our goals.” When you keep things positive, you can work toward great solutions efficiently and effectively.

5. Aim for SMART solutions:
Your goal is not just to defuse a situation in the near term, but also to come up with a sustainable answer to the problem. That’s where the SMART approach comes in. SMART means this:

Specific: Be clear about who will do what, when, where and how.
Measurable: Establish a way to tell that something has been done, achieved, or completed.
Achievable: The solution should fit the situation and be doable by those involved. Don’t set anyone up to fail.
Realistic: Check calendars for holidays and vacations; look at previous performance to predict future actions and allow time for glitches and delays.
Timed: Set reasonable deadlines and target dates and provide necessary tools and support to meet those targets.
Put your SMART solutions in writing to keep people’s memories in line with what everyone agreed on.

When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.

Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.

What makes someone a difficult person?
Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.

Poor communication
They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.

Lack of empathy
Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.

Criticism
Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.

How do you spot a difficult person?
It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:

They insist on having everything their own way
They belittle you or insult you
They leave you out of important conversations
They always have an answer for everything
They have difficulty with emotional regulation
People seem to avoid them
They exhibit toxic traits, like being picky, bossy, or gossiping
They second-guess everything you say or do
Their private and public behavior is inconsistent
You don’t feel comfortable around them
They exhibit extreme jealousy, codependency, or other red flags in their relationships
Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.

How do you not let a difficult person affect you?
There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.

With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.

1. Pay attention to how you react
How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.

2. Stay calm
Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”

When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.

3. Do your own Inner Work®
Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.

For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.

How do you deal with a difficult person?
The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:

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How do you deal with a difficult person?
Listen to them
Get into their shoes
Honor both of your needs
Use humor
Practice
When all else fails, eject
Create a buffer
Practice self-care
1. Listen to them
When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.

If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.

2. Get into their shoes
From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.

Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.

3. Honor both of your needs
Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.

What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.

4. Use humor
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.

5. Practice
If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.

6. When all else fails, eject
If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.

Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.

The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.

7. Create a buffer
Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.

If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.

8. Practice self-care
Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.

It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.

Difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.

As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.

If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.

When to escalate a conflict to HR
While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.

You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:

Bullying
Harassment
Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
Other coworkers
Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws
In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.

Final thoughts
No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.

We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.

Communicate with clarity. Lead with purpose.
Whether it’s a 1:1 or a room full of people, coaching helps you show up with clarity and confidence.

About the author

Allaya Cooks-Campbell
With over 15 years of content experience, Allaya Cooks Campbell has written for outlets such as ScaryMommy, HRzone, and HuffPost. She holds a B.A. in Psychology and is a certified yoga instructor as well as a certified Integrative Wellness & Life Coach. Allaya is passionate about whole-person wellness, yoga, and mental health.

Written by: Heather Cook
https://www.linkedin.com/in/heathernewman

Welcome to Maven Musings! I’m thrilled to connect with you. Biweekly, we’ll discuss Global inclusivity, technology, women’s empowerment, and healthy workplace culture through my unique and joyful lens. Join me on a journey of inspiration, positivity, and creativity.

In our professional journeys, we’ll inevitably encounter difficult people. As a public speaker and PM Manager, I’ve learned that handling these challenges with grace and professionalism is key to maintaining a positive and productive workplace. This is the “hard work” or “hard conversations” that people talk about. None of us get this right 100% of the time; we all make mistakes and have moments where we wish we had reacted differently. With any of these moments, it is how you bounce from them. And there is always room for flipping the script, resetting, and reframing how you handled something. Years later, sometimes an “I’m sorry” or “I wished that had gone differently can go a long way”. Here are some heartfelt tips to help you navigate these situations effectively:

1. Stay Calm and Professional

When faced with a difficult person, maintaining your composure is essential. Reacting emotionally can escalate the situation. Instead, take a deep breath and approach the issue with a calm and professional demeanor. This helps in diffusing tension and sets the tone for a constructive conversation.

2. Practice Active Listening

Listening is a powerful tool in conflict resolution. Make sure you fully understand the other person’s perspective before responding. Show empathy and acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree. This not only shows respect but also opens the door to finding common ground.

3. Set Clear Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with difficult individuals. Be assertive about your limits and communicate them respectfully. This helps in preventing future conflicts and ensures that your personal and professional boundaries are respected.

4. Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

Shift the focus from the problem to finding a solution. Encourage collaborative problem-solving and be open to compromise. This approach resolves the immediate issue and fosters a more cooperative work environment.

5. Seek to Understand, Not to Win

In conflicts, the goal should be mutual understanding, not winning the argument. Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective and find a middle ground. This mindset can transform adversarial relationships into collaborative ones.

6. Document and Report if Necessary

If a difficult person’s behavior crosses the line into harassment or bullying, it’s important to document incidents and report them to HR or a supervisor. Protecting your well-being and maintaining a safe work environment should always be a priority.

7. Stay Positive and Professional

Maintaining a positive attitude, even in the face of adversity, can be incredibly powerful. Focus on the aspects of your work that you enjoy and find fulfilling. This positive outlook can help you navigate challenging interactions more effectively.

8. Invest in Personal Growth

Difficult people can be a source of stress, but they can also be an opportunity for personal growth. Use these experiences to develop your conflict resolution skills and emotional intelligence. Reflect on what you can learn from each interaction and how you can apply these lessons in the future.

9. Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to seek support from colleagues, mentors, or a professional coach. Discussing your challenges with someone you trust can provide new insights and strategies. Remember, you’re not alone, and seeking advice is a sign of strength, not weakness.

10. Practice Self-Care

Finally, take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people can be draining, so make sure to invest in self-care activities that rejuvenate you. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones, self-care is essential for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being.

Inspirational Quotes to Remember

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” — William James

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” – Lena Horne

These quotes beautifully remind us that our mindset plays a crucial role in handling stress and difficult situations. By choosing to approach challenges with a calm and constructive attitude, we can navigate workplace conflicts more effectively and emerge stronger.

By implementing these strategies, you can transform your interactions with difficult people and foster a more positive and collaborative work environment. Remember, every challenge is an opportunity for growth and improvement. Sometimes, small acts have the largest impact. With all this being said, never stay in a situation where you feel terrible or unheard. Let’s strive to be the change-makers who lead with empathy and action, creating workplaces where everyone feels valued and respected.

Written by: Eve Anderson Recruitment

No matter where you work it is guaranteed that you will meet people who may be difficult to deal with. Making decisions and completing your tasks may prove to be a burden if you have to collaborate with these individuals. The following tips should help you better engage and get along with difficult co-workers.

Understanding is Key
One of the major reasons you may be having problems dealing and interacting with that difficult co-worker is misunderstanding. An individual’s personality may have a lot to play in how you receive the message they are trying to send. It is important that you attempt to fully understand the individual, how they express themselves and their usual thought patterns. This can help you when trying to decipher what the person is trying to say and will ensure that you do not focus and harbor on the negative things about the person. Listen to what the person is saying and hear them out.

Avoid Negativity and Disrespect
Even though you may have exhausted all of your patience and understanding, it is integral that you still remain calm when dealing with the difficult person. If you give in to your negative emotions and dislike of the person it will become transparent when you are interacting with them. Negative responses can trigger further negative behaviours from the difficult co-worker.

Choose your Battles
It is important to choose your battles wisely. Dealing with a difficult person may become tedious and irritating, however, you need to know when to respond and when not to engage with the individual. Ideally, you should try to interact with him/her only when it is absolutely necessary. Do not sink to the same level as the individual by responding in a similar manner. This makes the situation worse and can cause added tensions.

Approach the Situation
Do not let the situation fester and get worse. By complaining about the difficult worker with other co-workers or by letting situations pass without addressing it, you are allowing it to grow and become the norm. This will make it even more difficult when you decide to address your issues. Try talking to the individual –in private- and express your concerns about their behaviour and any other issues you may have. Ensure that you are not attacking the person but rather pointing out behaviours you may find difficult to work with. Address the issue as something that you have had a problem with rather than making it seem as though the individual themselves are a problem.

Make Friends
Being friendly with the person may be the last thing you may think of doing, however, it may just turn out in your favour. You may find that once you get to know the person you will be better able to understand them and their behaviour. You may even find that they are not as difficult to get along with, as they once seemed.

Find the True Problem
Figure out exactly why you think the person is difficult to deal with. Isolate the problems you are having with the individual and speak with others around you to determine if other people are experiencing the same issues as you are. This way you can be sure that you are not being affected based on your own personal biases or issues.

Follow the Chain of Command
After you have reasonably tried all other methods to dealing with a difficult co-worker it is necessary to take the issue to the next level. Disruptive and difficult co-workers can affect your work. You should therefore recognize when the situation is beyond you control and report the situation to be resolved by senior management.

Flee
This is by far the least recommended tactic, however, it may become necessary if the situation is beyond control. If senior management has been unsuccessful in dealing with the difficult employee then it may be time for you to consider the pros and cons of your situation. Figure out if it makes sense for you to remain in that department or organization or if it would be more worthwhile to seek employment elsewhere. You can opt to transfer to a different department or leave to avoid having to interact with the difficult employee.

Alternatively, you can insist that there is a third party present during all your interactions. This is useful as the third party can now be a witness to the distasteful behaviour you have been affected by and they can also serve as a buffer, as difficult people tend to be less difficult if there are others around to witness their behaviour.

Author: Eric Stutzman

When I started teaching conflict resolution skills many years ago, I believed that simply using those skills would solve most problems. I was naïve. People kept coming to me and saying something like, “Eric, these skills are great, but what do you do about the person who is just DIFFICULT?”

After some years of experience, I realized that they were right. Dealing with a difficult person requires more than having good conflict resolution skills. Here are 5 tips that I have learned.

Tip #1 – Change Your Thinking
To deal with a difficult person, we have to start with ourselves. Here’s why. How we think has a direct bearing on how we act. How we act influences what the other person experiences. Their experience of us affects how they then (re)act towards us.

When I tell myself or others that my difficult person is passive-aggressive (or fill in the blank with your person), I begin to wear a lens that colors the way I see all of their actions. It becomes easier and easier to see everything they do as further evidence that they are passive-aggressive.

Tip #2 – Don’t Assassinate Their Character
Secondly, when I say to myself (or others) that someone is passive-aggressive, I have essentially assassinated their character. If I confront someone with, “You are passive-aggressive,” I will almost certainly get a defensive response.

Instead focus on behaviour and the impact of their behaviour on you. Focusing on behaviour is about what they are doing, not what they are. When you focus on what they do and the impact of their behaviour, you now have a place to start the conversation that is based on observable facts. Observable facts can be discussed. Personality assassination cannot.

Tip #3 – Get Curious
Let’s do a little thought experiment: Picture yourself in a room full of people. The presenter asks everyone to raise their hand if they think they are a reasonable person. What do you do?

Next the presenter asks everyone to raise their hand if they think they are a difficult person. What do you do?

If the difficult person views their behaviour as reasonable, then our task is to begin to wonder how their behaviour makes sense in their mind.

When I have asked this question to rooms full of people, everyone raises their hand that they are reasonable. And it is usually only the people looking for a laugh who raise their hands when asked if they are difficult. What does this tell you? It tells me that everyone sees themselves as reasonable, including the person you or I find difficult.

If the difficult person views their behaviour as reasonable, then our task is to begin to wonder how their behaviour makes sense in their mind. This wondering helps me move from my judgment – They are passive-aggressive! – to curiosity – I wonder why they aren’t feeling safe enough to directly tell me what they think? Curiosity gives me the ability to start a conversation with a question and to listen.

Tip #4 – Have a Safe Conversation
If you have worked on your thinking, and if you have parked your judgement for the time being, you are on your way to having a more productive conversation.

But there is more you can do. Ask yourself, “How can I make this conversation psychologically safe for both us?” Another way to think about this is to move your mindset from brutal honesty, to safe honesty. Safe honesty focuses on behaviour, our patterns of interacting and the humanity of each us.

Safe conversations focus on our values and what we need in our relationship. Start your conversation in a way that builds safety for both you. For example you could say, “I am committed to making our work relationship as good as possible, and I know you want what’s best for us all as well. In that spirit, I want to ask you…”

Ask yourself, “How can I make this conversation psychologically safe for both us?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Lose Sight of the Pattern
One of the easiest mistakes to make is to lose sight of the pattern and focus on the most recent incident or incidents.

Focusing on the most recent incident doesn’t help the other person see how serious this is for you. They may think it is an isolated thing that is easily explained by what was happening that day. Instead we need to stay focused on that pattern.

You might say something like this, “I’ve noticed that over the last several months when we have a conversation about developing our new service, you respond with a statement about how that will never work. Then you usually leave the room. This leaves me feeling stuck and frustrated. I’d like to figure out what is happening in our exchange and how we can do it differently.”

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Tip #6 – Remember that You Have Contributed to the Problem
What I do almost always has some influence on the outcome of my conversation or interaction with another person. They will believe that their actions are justified based on my behavior.

To really change the actions of a person we find difficult, we need to also examine how we have contributed. The best way to do that, is to ask them. Then we need to be prepared to listen, manage our defensiveness, and commit to acting in ways that better serve the other person and our own interests.

Summary
Yes, there really are people that many of us would find difficult. However, those same people do not see themselves that way.

To work with them, we must change our thinking and focus on actions, not character. Then we can move to curiosity about what motivates them to act in that way. Curiosity leads us to empathy and to a more open way of beginning a conversation. During the conversation, we focus on the pattern and how we each contribute to that pattern. Ultimately, we should leave a conversation with a plan for how we can interact to get better results.

Good luck!

For more FREE RESOURCES on this topic and others, visit our free resources page.

Author
Eric Stutzman
Chief Executive Officer

https://www.forbes.com/sites/christopherlittlefield/

One dismissive remark from that know-it-all department head or a backhanded comment from that passive-aggressive peer can send our brains spinning with emotions, anger, and internal dialogue that can consume our days and even nights. According to research by Georgetown professor, Christine Porath, 80% of people who were on the receiving end of uncivil behavior lost work time worrying about the incident, and 63% lost work time attempting to avoid the person. Other than leaving the job, what can we do to navigate these inevitable office dynamics? To answer this question, I reached out to Amy Gallo, Workplace Dynamics Expert, contributing editor of Harvard Business Review, and author of the new book Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People).

Getting Along by Amy Gallo
Amy Gallo and HBR Publishing
According to Gallo, most employed adults spend more time with coworkers than they do with family, and all of those hours together mean more time thinking about their jobs and the people associated with them. When we have great relationships with peers, it positively impacts our performance and lives When those relationships turn sour, negative effects can ripple throughout our lives. Gallo shares that coworkers and family members who offer support through a sympathetic ear are often the victims of what she refers to as “Emotional Shrapnel” as they absorb our stress. If we want to protect ourselves and the people around us from the fallout of a challenging coworker and be more effective in our jobs and lives, we must improve our ability to navigate these situations more effectively.

Why Do Little Remarks Have Such a Big Impact on Us?
One dismissive remark or backhanded comment from a peer can ruin your day.
One dismissive remark from that know-it-all department head or a backhanded comment from that passive-aggressive peer can send our brains spinning with emotions, anger, and internal dialogue that can consume our days and even nights.

I asked Gallo why a little jab from a boss or a backhanded comment from a coworker impacts us so much; why can’t we just brush them off and move on? She shared, “When we have friction with someone else, we perceive it as a threat to our identity, sense of harmony at work, and even our career. And when our brain or body perceives a threat, we go into fight or flight. Whether we are being chased by a bear or receiving a snarky email from a coworker, our body responds in the same way.” In addition, she shared that when someone makes a remark that conflicts with our perceptions of who we are—such as “I thought you were collaborative, clearly I was wrong”—it can challenge our sense of self, sending our mind spinning (“I am not like that, right?”) as we try and make sense of what just happened.

Gallo shared that when we are on the receiving end of our coworker’s perceived bad behavior, we often tell ourselves a story about what is occurring and why. “These stories are often laden with emotions and critiques – feel truthful to us when they are based on our brain’s sense-making attempts rather than facts.” If we want to step out of our stories and choose a response that may build our relationship instead of breaking it down, we need to create what she refers to as mental space. She shares that the first step is checking that our basic needs are met. Have we had enough sleep? Are we hydrated? Are we in the right mindset to do this work, or are we so depleted that we need a good night’s sleep first? In the book, she offers a brilliant mental checklist to walk through.

The next step is to adopt a curious mindset and explore what we don’t know about this situation, the person, and our possible role in things unfolding the way they did. Gallo shares, “if you’re serious about resolving conflict with a coworker, it is essential that you acknowledge your own part in the dynamic. No matter how difficult a person may be, we have always played a part.”

The Eight Archetypes
Do you have a difficult coworker you are looking to have a breakthrough with? In her book, Gallo presents eight archetypes, each representing one of the most common types of difficult people.

Some of these include:

The Insecure Boss
The Pessimist
The Know-it-all
The Victim
The Passive Aggressive Peer
For each, she provides background information to help understand what may be driving the behavior, thought-provoking questions to ask about yourself and the dynamic, concrete tactics to try, phrases to use, as well as dos and don’ts. Although she provides these archetypes, she warns against labeling others because it prevents us from seeing the whole person. The types are meant to be a jumping-off point as you get curious and begin working to transform your workplace dynamic.

The Principles for Getting Along with Anyone
Gallo shares that some people don’t fit one specific type, so she provides nine general principles that you can use to get along with anyone. These principles act as great reminders to read when you are faced with any challenging dynamic at work or home. Here are a few:

Focus on What You Can Control

Don’t waste time trying to convince your colleague to change. Focus instead on what you can do differently.

Your Perspective Is Just One Perspective
Acknowledge that you and your colleague won’t always see eye to eye. Ask yourself, what if I am wrong? What assumptions am I making?

Don’t Make It “Me Against Them”
Instead of thinking you are fighting them, imagine being on the same side of the table working through this together.

Be—and Stay—Curious
Adopt a growth mindset: believe that you have something to learn and that the dynamic can change.

Getting Along is the Google Map for workplace dynamics. It helps you easily identify where you’re going and the best route to take. When there is an accident, and there will be, it will help you find the best alternative route. It is guaranteed to help you navigate through or around your biggest workplace roadblocks.

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Carol has been the Office Manager at a nonprofit community center for 18 years. She’s the glue—the one who fixes the copier, keeps the books balanced, and remembers everyone’s birthday. The job has never been glamorous, but it’s always felt rewarding.

That is, until two months ago.

A new Executive Director, Lena, was brought in to “modernize” the organization. And with her came a whirlwind of changes. Long-time staff started leaving. Policies changed overnight. And Lena began calling Carol after hours, demanding reports, criticizing her work, and referring to as “just” the admin.

Last Friday, she yelled at Carol in front of the entire staff—for scheduling her calendar too full, even when she insisted that Carol make all the meetings work.

Carol went home shaken. She didn’t sleep all weekend. Her chest felt tight. And her husband finally asked the question Carol had been avoiding: “Is this job worth your health anymore?”

Carol is stuck. She’s afraid to leave a job she’s held for nearly two decades. But staying is starting to cost her more than she can afford emotionally.

Sound familiar?

If you’re facing a difficult work situation like Carol, the first step isn’t quitting or pushing through—it’s acknowledging what you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you. We can’t begin to fix the issue until we deal with the emotions.

Regain a Sense of Control
When a boss is volatile or unpredictable, it can feel like they’re running your entire day. But here’s the truth: they only have the power you give them. Even small actions, like setting a hard stop to answering emails after 6 p.m., can remind you that you are in charge of your time, energy, and life.

Manage the Overwhelm
Carol comes home emotionally drained. And when work becomes everything, personal relationships suffer.

Try setting limits on how much you talk about work at home. Give yourself five minutes to vent, then intentionally shift focus—take a walk, listen to music, cook dinner without screens. Better yet, find other outlets for your stress: journaling, therapy, exercise, or even talking to a mentor.

Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re necessary.

Name the Fear
Carol is afraid she won’t find another job like this. Maybe you are too. Fear is a powerful emotion, but it can also distort reality.

Start by updating your résumé. Quietly check job boards. Talk to a recruiter. Knowing what’s out there is empowering even if you don’t want to leave. If you find you need new skills, go get them. And if you already have what it takes, you’ll feel stronger and more capable.

And check out the article that I recently wrote about dealing with fear.

So What Are Your Options?

When you’re stuck in a toxic situation, you have three choices. None are perfect, but all are better than doing nothing.

Accept It
This doesn’t mean Carol likes or approves of the situation—it means she decides not to give it emotional power and detaches emotionally. She shows up, does her job, collects her paycheck, and mentally detaches. If Lena is likely to burn herself out or move on quickly (as happens with some overzealous leaders), Carol might decide to wait it out. However, emotional detachment is a skill, and it only works if she can protect her mental and physical health. While this is helpful, it is extremely hard to do. Some people think they’ve accepted the situation but use every opportunity to whine and never let go of the negativity. That doesn’t mean you’ve accepted it (it means you haven’t!).

Change It
Have the hard conversation. Carol could ask for a one-on-one with Lena and say something like:

“I want to support your goals, but the way we’re working together right now isn’t sustainable. Can we talk about expectations, communication, and how we move forward respectfully?”

She might need support—coaching, books, or training on conflict resolution. But even trying to change things can bring relief and empowerment. This is where I recommend we start. It is the middle road—and often the most empowering.

Leave It
Sometimes, the healthiest decision is to go. It’s scary, yes. But staying in fear for too long is even scarier. Not every boss is coachable. Not every situation is fixable. And no job, no matter how secure, should come at the cost of your mental or physical health.

If Lena doesn’t change, and if staying is slowly destroying Carol, then it may be time to go. That’s not weakness—it’s self-preservation. No job is worth your health, your self-worth, or your peace of mind. Even just beginning the process of looking elsewhere can shift the energy and bring back a sense of hope.

What Carol can’t do is nothing.

The longer you stay in a painful, draining situation, the harder it becomes to find your way out. Start small. Take one step. Then another. Whether that’s setting a boundary, updating your LinkedIn, or asking for help, do something.

Because you always have a choice.

I get it. The boss is human and likely far from perfect. I complain about my husband, and I love him, so it is natural to complain about someone we work with, often spend a lot of time with, and sometimes don’t have much in common. It’s tempting to vent; it feels good, and everyone else does it.

I’ve done it, and I’ve lived to regret it. In hindsight, I was bonding with the rest of the team, almost playing the unwritten game of who has it the worst. We complained, we laughed, and we had fun doing it. Unfortunately, the negative impact of complaining about your boss or manager is far more significant than the fun you have at the moment.

And, unfortunately, the impact reflects on you far more than it does on the boss.

Your Professional Integrity is at Risk

To begin with, your professional integrity is at risk, which may cause others to question your ethics. As administrative professionals, we are often privy to very sensitive information. We must have a high level of confidentiality. Complaining about your boss, even in casual settings, can easily breach that trust and reflect poorly on your ability to manage sensitive matters. Maintaining professional integrity is paramount—your discretion builds your reputation. What you think about someone is sensitive. If you complain about the boss, will you share other things that shouldn’t be shared?

Consider a situation where you’re privy to confidential discussions about upcoming layoffs. You overhear your manager mentioning potential downsizing and they mention that the don’t care about the human impact because the bottom line and shareholders are more important. In a moment of frustration, you complain to a colleague about the heartless person you support. Your moment of frustration and annoyance would compromise your reputation. You may not have meant to share layoffs were coming but while you were complaining, that’s exactly what you did. Your reputation will be damaged.

Trust: The Cornerstone of Professional Relationships

More importantly, it damages trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, especially between an administrative professional and their manager. Complaining can erode that trust, both from your manager’s perspective and from the perspective of your peers. If your boss finds out you’ve been complaining, it can strain your working relationship and potentially hurt your career aspirations. If others know you complain about your manager, they may assume you complain about them, too. And if you complain about your boss, clearly you’ll complain about anyone.

Let’s reverse the situation. I have heard executives complaining about their administrative professional, and it mortifies me!

Imagine hearing, “Well, contact my assistant Rhonda. Hopefully, she is in a good mood and polite to you today. Some days, she is a little cranky, and you have a hard time getting what you need from her on those days.”

I’d be very upset if I heard that about me, and I’d be very upset to listen to any manager talk about their assistant that way. When I hear them complain about their administrative professional, I instantly lose respect for them. I think they have no idea how hard it is to be an assistant, how much we have to do, and how little appreciation we get.

If I worked with an executive who complained about their admin, I wouldn’t trust them not to complain about me either. I’d see them in a very negative and unprofessional light that would affect my respect for them. Wouldn’t you? So then, why do we think it is acceptable for us to do the same?

Gossip Can Backfire

Let’s be honest, people talk too. If you are complaining about your boss, what will stop anyone from sharing what you’ve shared (even if you told them it was in confidence)? Even when venting to colleagues, there’s always the risk that your words will find their way back to your boss. People share juicy info, and office gossip can travel fast. It’s important to remember that trust, once broken, is very difficult to repair.

For example, an administrative assistant named Sarah once shared her frustrations with a coworker over her boss’s poor communication. Weeks later, her boss approached her, disappointed that he had heard the exact words she had vented in what she thought was a private conversation. Sarah’s relationship with her boss was never quite the same, and she missed out on a promotion shortly after that, even though she was technically qualified.

The Impact on Career Progression

All of this will naturally affect your career progression. Your career progression is often tied to the relationships you build and maintain within the organization. If you’re seen as someone who complains about leadership, it can limit your opportunities for advancement. Managers may hesitate to involve you in more strategic or confidential projects, fearing that your loyalty or discretion is compromised.

Complaining, while emotionally satisfying in the moment, rarely leads to real solutions. It can distract you from the proactive steps you can take to improve the situation. If something is genuinely wrong, whether it’s workload, communication issues, or unfair treatment, focus on addressing the root of the problem rather than simply venting. Have a serious conversation with your manager if there is a problem, as that is the only way to get it fixed. Complaining doesn’t lead to any solutions at all.

Setting the Office Tone

The attitude in the office is often up to you as well. Hazel was the front foyer receptionist at the company where I worked. She didn’t manage anyone, but we all loved to complain about her because the entire office suffered if Hazel was in a bad mood. If someone did something Hazel didn’t think was right, we all knew what was done and who did it! In theory, we shouldn’t allow one person to control the mood in the office, but when you have a strong negative force, that is precisely what happens. Even if you are good about not letting it affect you, it can taint the office energy.

If you are complaining about your manager, are others afraid to speak with you? Does your attitude and mood affect everyone else? It likely does, and although you may have the right to be angry or frustrated with your manager, you don’t have the right to make everyone else walk on eggshells. Your attitude often sets the tone for the workplace.

When you complain, you are openly encouraging others to do the same, therefore giving others unspoken permission to complain as well. As you can imagine, this creates a toxic culture where negativity thrives. That affects not only morale but also productivity and job satisfaction for everyone.

Choosing a Better Approach

Being an administrative professional comes with its challenges, especially when dealing with bosses who may be difficult at times. However, complaining is never the answer. It can harm your professional reputation, damage trust, and negatively impact your career growth and your workplace. Instead, focus on finding constructive solutions, maintaining professionalism, and fostering a positive work environment.

So, next time you’re tempted to vent about the boss after a rough meeting or an overwhelming task, ask yourself: Is this worth the long-term consequences? Rather than focusing on what your boss is doing wrong, think about how you can improve communication or manage expectations. If something is truly unbearable, have an open conversation with your boss about how to improve things, but don’t let complaints become your default mode of dealing with the situation.

Written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Co-authored by Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Founder of Pacific Life Coach

Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

Difficult people are everywhere, and that’s just an unfortunate fact of life. Of course, we can’t just go around being difficult ourselves in response. So how do you handle someone who’s just determined to get on every nerve you have? Thankfully, there are some steps you can take to secure your peace of mind. We’ll give you some sound advice to keep in mind while you interact with difficult people, and offer some tips on looking inward and protecting your own peace.

Things You Should Know
Pick your battles, and avoid interacting with that person if you can help it.
Take a moment to collect yourself before you respond to difficult behavior, and communicate your needs and expectations clearly.
Remain polite and stick to the facts. Avoid bringing personal beefs into the interaction.
Consult a friend, coworker, or another ally for help if the person continues to be a problem.

Interacting with a Difficult Person

1. Choose your battles wisely. When butting heads with a difficult person, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss the problem. Not every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become. Ideally, you and this difficult person would be able to set aside your differences and compromise. Sometimes, this is impossible.
Ask yourself if the situation is causing you enough distress that it must be addressed.
Consider your relationship with this person. If it’s your boss or another authority figure, you have to accept some things you don’t like (unless it’s abusive behavior).[1] If it’s a friend or family member, think about whether choosing not to engage is enabling bad behavior or simply saving you time and grief.
Can you even win this fight? You may really want to take on someone who irks you, but you need to size up the situation and consider if it really is one that you can resolve. Perhaps the timing is bad or you need to formulate a plan, get help, or consider your options.

2. Pause for a moment before reacting to difficult behavior. Take a deep breath before responding to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If your conflict is happening via email or texting, try to avoid sending digital text messages when upset. Take a bit of time to let your stress level decrease. Then you will be able to approach the person more reasonably.
If possible, discuss your issue somewhere neutral or while doing an activity. For example, you could talk while walking. This can limit negative face-to-face interactions.[2]

3. State your needs clearly with assertive communication. Don’t give the person the opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words.[3] Aim to use “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. For example:
“I understand that you are frustrated by my lateness. I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, the subway line was down this morning and we were stuck in the station. I am very sorry for making you wait!”
Do not say: “You are unreasonable for expecting me to be punctual when the subway system was broken down. If you really cared, you could have Googled my line and checked.”

4. Continue being polite. No matter the response of the other person, keep your cool. Do not resort to name-calling. Take breaths before your responses. The key is to be the better person and not let yourself sink to their level. Also, the calmer you remain, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.
If you stay polite, the other person may be more likely to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say instead of getting defensive.

5. Stick to the facts. Keep a short, clear narrative that is not bogged down with too much detail or emotion. It is very possible you won’t be able to get the person to see your point of view and you don’t need to try to convince them. State what happened and don’t feel you need to explain yourself.[4]
Avoid trigger topics.[5] For example, if you always fight about holidays with your sister-in-law, don’t discuss them! Have someone else do the mediating.
Avoid being defensive.[6] You might want to argue your point, but with difficult people, it is best to bypass these kinds of arguments. Do not waste your time trying to prove that you are right. Instead, keep the situation as neutral as possible.

6. Set limits with them and stick to those limits. Setting limits or boundaries with another person can be difficult at first, but it’s key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Decide which behaviors you’re willing to tolerate, and how you will deal with them. You could set limits for yourself, e.g., “I’ll spend an hour with Mom on Mother’s Day, but I won’t spend a whole day with her.” Or, you could set clear boundaries with the other person. For example, “Please don’t make comments about my weight. If you do, I’ll immediately end the conversation and walk away.”[7]
Once you set a limit, do your best to enforce it. Many difficult people will continue to take advantage of you if they think you won’t stick to your boundaries.
For instance, if you’ve told a difficult coworker that you don’t want them to tell sexist jokes around you, don’t call them out sometimes and ignore them at other times. Be consistent about asking them not to continue the behavior. You could even set a specific consequence, like, “If it happens again, I’ll bring it up with HR.”

7. Minimize your interactions. Although hopefully you can deal with your problem person, if not, limit your time with them. If you must interact, try to keep things short by excusing yourself from the conversation or bringing a third party into the conversation. Stay as positive as possible and make sure to calm down afterward.[8]
Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague or sibling you want.[9]
If all else fails, you may need to cut ties with the person altogether. This can be especially difficult if it’s a close family member, a significant other, or someone you work with. However, if their behavior is seriously toxic and abusive, it might be time to move on.

8. Talk to allies. If you are not making headway with someone and need to do so, speak with a potential mediator. Perhaps your boss can help improve the situation. If your conflict is within the family, find a mutual party who can negotiate. Strive to share complaints only with people you trust.

Posted on the World Economic Forum Site Feb 2017.

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They set limits. Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They stay aware of their emotions. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They don’t focus on problems—only solutions. Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They don’t forget. Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

They get some sleep. I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Workplace sabotage – when someone intentionally tries to hurt a colleague’s work or reputation – is a big problem. It can take many forms – disrupting projects, spreading false information, or making mistakes on purpose. When this happens it creates mistrust and stress which makes the workplace toxic. Leaders need to know how to spot sabotage, understand its impact and take action to stop it.

My Personal Experience With Sabotage
I’ve experienced sabotage myself. I was on a board for an association where a fellow board member went out of their way to make my role difficult. They “forgot” to invite me to meetings, booked meetings without checking my availability and brought up agenda items without telling me first. Then they complained to other board members that I wasn’t prepared, didn’t understand the bylaws and wasn’t qualified for the role. These actions made my work harder and left me feeling stressed and wondering if I was capable.

What Does Sabotage Look Like?
Sabotage can be overt or covert. Here are some examples:

Leaving someone out of meetings or decisions.
Spreading lies or rumors about a colleague.
Keeping important information from someone who needs it.
Creating delays or mistakes on purpose.
Publicly questioning someone’s skills or knowledge.
If you notice these behaviours, it could mean sabotage is happening.

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How Sabotage Hurts People and Teams?
Sabotage doesn’t just hurt one person—it affects the whole team. Here’s how:

It Breaks Trust: When people sabotage others, it makes the team not trust each other.
It Slows Down Work: Fixing the problems caused by sabotage takes time and energy away from actual work.
It Hurts Mental Health: For the person being sabotaged it feels like they’re under attack all the time. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even depression. They might start to doubt themselves, feel isolated or lose sleep over the situation. Over time it can lead to burnout.
It Damages Team Spirit: A toxic workplace makes people feel unsafe and unmotivated. When people feel they can’t trust their colleagues they stop working together.

Why Do People Sabotage Others?
Knowing why someone might sabotage a colleague can help you stop it. Here are some reasons:

They Want Power: Some people try to look better by making others look worse.
They Feel Insecure: If someone thinks their job is at risk, they might sabotage others to protect themselves.
They Have a Grudge: Past arguments or disagreements can lead to revenge.
They Think They Won’t Get Caught: In workplaces without clear rules, people might feel like they can get away with bad behaviour.

How Leaders Can Stop Sabotage?
Leaders have a big part to play in stopping sabotage. Here are some ways to create a healthy and fair workplace:

Set Clear Rules and Values:
Talk about the team’s values, like respect and honesty.
Make rules about how team members should treat each other.
Communicate Openly:
Share information so everyone feels included and informed.
Hold regular team meetings to check in and solve problems early.
Build Trust Through Team Activities:
Plan activities that help the team get to know and trust each other.
Celebrate team wins to remind everyone that success is shared.
Create Strong Policies:
Have clear policies about harassment, discrimination, and sabotage.
Make sure employees know how to report problems and that their concerns will be taken seriously.
Hold People Accountable:
Investigate issues quickly and fairly.
Take action, like providing coaching or giving consequences, to stop bad behaviour.

What Can You Do If You Are Being Sabotaged?
If you think someone is sabotaging you here’s what you can do:

Keep a Record:
Write down what happened, when it happened, and who was involved.
Save emails, messages, or other evidence of the behaviour.
Talk to Someone You Trust:
Share your concerns with a mentor, a colleague, or a supervisor.
If the behaviour continues, report it to HR or leadership.
Speak Up:
Talk to the person privately and explain how their actions are affecting you.
Focus on solving the problem rather than placing blame.
Be realistic that they are likely to turn the conversation onto how you misread the situation.
Stay Focused on Your Work:
Do your best work. Be professional. Ask questions from others to clarify.
Know When to Move On:
If the problem doesn’t improve, think about whether a new role or workplace might be better for your mental health and career.

How to Recognize the Impact on Someone Being Sabotaged?
When someone is being sabotaged, there are often clear signs that they are struggling. Leaders and colleagues should watch for these red flags:

Changes in Mood: They might seem more stressed, anxious, or withdrawn. They may not engage in conversations the same way that they had before.
Drop in Confidence: They may start doubting themselves or avoiding tasks they used to do well.
Physical Signs of Stress: Lack of sleep, fatigue, or other health issues might become noticeable.
Isolated Behaviour: They might avoid team meetings or social events.
If you see these signs reach out and offer support. Sometimes just knowing someone cares can make a big difference.

Building a Positive Workplace
The best way to stop sabotage is to create a workplace where everyone feels respected and valued. Leaders who take the time to build trust, encourage teamwork and solve problems quickly will help their teams succeed. For individuals staying resilient and asking for help is key to overcoming challenges. It is only by working together and addressing these toxic behaviours, can we create workplaces where everyone can do their best work and feel appreciated.

My brother and I love to debate. Give us a topic, tell me which side to represent, and I’m game. The two of us love to push buttons for one another, but at the end of the day, we engage in a healthy debate. We don’t take it personally, and at the end of the discussion, it is common for one to say to the other, “That was a really good point. I hadn’t thought of that.” We use our debates to share our opinions and learn from one another.

Unfortunately, not everyone debates that way at all. Debate is not always conflict, conflict is not always healthy, and conflict is not created equally.

Workplace conflict happens daily and can strengthen or weaken a team depending on how it is managed. While some conflicts can be healthy and lead to innovation and growth, unresolved conflicts can hurt employee morale and productivity. Conflict around ideas, for example, can fuel innovation and create stronger teams. In contrast, interpersonal conflict often divides and undermines productivity.

To distinguish healthy conflict from unhealthy conflict, let’s start with working definitions:

Unhealthy Conflict: This is interpersonal conflict, usually based on personal grievances, miscommunications, or perceived slights. It is unproductive and divides people, leading to stress and resentment. Unhealthy conflict tends to be based on emotional responses rather than facts and focuses on people rather than ideas. People don’t listen to other points of view and attack others for not thinking the way they think.

Healthy Conflict: This occurs around ideas and encourages open discussion of different viewpoints. Healthy conflict strengthens teams by allowing members to voice their opinions openly without fear of judgment. This type of conflict is constructive, driving creativity and leading to more refined and well-thought-out solutions. It doesn’t attack but instead values different points of view.

Unhealthy conflict comes from several sources: unresolved past issues, misunderstandings, control issues, clashing personalities, or even jealousy. This type of conflict is destructive because it revolves around personal issues rather than professional ideas, and the outcomes are almost always negative. Here’s how unhealthy conflict typically appears in the workplace:

Personal Attacks and Gossip: When disagreements become personal, they often lead to attacks on character rather than constructive discussions. Gossip can also spread, damaging reputations and destroying trust.

Blame Game: Unhealthy conflict often involves assigning blame to individuals rather than discussing how to solve a problem. It leads to defensiveness, and team members may be unwilling to admit mistakes. It doesn’t matter what happened; what matters is who did or said what.

Avoidance or Aggression: If you ever had to avoid someone you work with because you don’t get along, you are experiencing unhealthy conflict. If you can’t avoid one another, the conversation is often passive-aggressive, which is obvious to everyone listening. This often creates a “team” approach to conflict. Are you on Team Rhonda or Team Troy? It makes it uncomfortable and unproductive for everyone when it feels like we are still in high school.

Loss of Focus on Organizational Goals: I belong to an association where we have had an unhealthy conflict that affected the entire association. One person wanted option “A,” and another wanted option “B.” It quickly became personal between the two people, and it felt like the association’s goals weren’t important, but instead, winning was more important for one of the participants. It divided the membership, which impacted everyone.

We know that unhealthy conflict creates a toxic environment. It destroys morale, reduces collaboration, and often results in increased turnover and unengaged team members. If you’ve experienced unhealthy conflict, you may feel alone and isolated, unappreciated, or unsupported, which impacts your overall performance.

On the flip side, healthy conflict can act as a catalyst for positive change. Healthy conflict is not about winning or losing; it’s about finding the best solution for the organization. When encouraged and managed effectively, healthy conflict fosters a culture of trust and open communication. Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:

Focus on Ideas, Not Individuals: Healthy conflict revolves around problem-solving and innovation. By focusing on ideas rather than people, everyone feels safe sharing different opinions, which builds respect and inclusivity. My brother Troy and I not only love to debate, but we also like to learn from one another. I know that his perspective on things has changed my approach to some things.

Increased Creativity and Innovation: Since we feel comfortable disagreeing with one another (in fairness, we look forward to it), we bring diverse perspectives to the table, which creates innovative solutions.

When Warren and I bought and renovated our home in 2020, Troy challenged one of our ideas for the family room. In the end, we took his approach and were thrilled with the final result. His perspective was valuable, and we benefited from his creativity.

Better Decision-Making: By considering multiple viewpoints, teams are more likely to make well-rounded decisions. “Group think” is when we all think the same way and lack creativity, ideas, and perspectives. Groups need to have healthy debate so we can see the issue from different angles and make more informed choices.
Strengthened Team Dynamics: Healthy conflict promotes open communication and trust, which can deepen relationships among team members. It reinforces that all opinions are valued and respected.
Clearer Goals and Roles: When people discuss issues openly, they clarify expectations and responsibilities. Healthy conflict forces teams to articulate their objectives and ensures everyone is on the same page, making it easier to achieve organizational goals.
Healthy conflict is a hallmark of high-performing teams and healthy work cultures. Last week, my article was about not fitting into your workplace culture. However, having unhealthy conflict in your workplace creates an unhealthy culture where you may feel you don’t belong.

I recently worked with an association where I had an opinion that was not valued. I expressed my opinion, and I felt I was open and professional. I was told, in fairly clear terms, “This is how we do it. If you don’t like it, we have many speakers to take your place.”

I realized this is not a culture I want to be part of. It wasn’t a healthy discussion. It didn’t need to be conflict, but it was clearly shown I wasn’t allowed to express my concern. I won’t be speaking there again either.

Healthy conflict encourages others to feel comfortable to voice their concerns and perspectives, which creates a stronger, more adaptable, and healthy organization.

Want to know how to create healthy conflict at work and with your colleagues?

Establish Ground Rules for Communication: Make sure everyone understands the difference between attacking ideas and attacking people. Ground rules for respectful communication can make a big difference.

Model Constructive Disagreement: Be the leader and set the tone for how conflict is handled. By demonstrating how to disagree respectfully and focus on ideas, you can show others that speaking up is safe.

Encourage Active Listening: Encourage everyone to listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and refrain from interrupting. This promotes understanding and reduces the chance of personal attacks.

Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: When conflict arises, redirect discussions towards finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Share this article. #BlameRhonda. By sharing the info openly and potentially putting it on the agenda for your next team meeting, you can get everyone on board with creating a healthy place to work

Even when you do everything right, sometimes things still go wrong. If we become attached to our ideas, our emotions can take over. If we react vs act, we can say or do something that will be received as a personal attack. Even healthy conflict can go sideways occasionally, so be sure you remember exactly how to have healthy conflict. And always remember, you both need to feel the same way. Just because you are keeping it as a healthy disagreement doesn’t mean the other person is.

Conflict is neither good nor bad; it is how it is managed that determines its impact. We need to create a culture where everyone feels valued and valuable. Everyone needs to feel comfortable to express their thoughts without fear of retribution. Conflict can be healthy and can build a culture of respect, trust, and innovation. In the long run, workplaces that handle conflict productively are better equipped to face challenges, adapt to change, and achieve lasting success.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – Work Smart Live Smart

Whine Synonyms: complain, bellyache, fuss, gripe, grumble, moan, snivel….

In any workplace, a colleague who complains all the time or only focuses on the negative can suck the energy out of the room and dampen team spirit. Chronic negativity from those who whine or always dwell on the problems can create a toxic work environment. For team leaders and HR people, dealing with negativity effectively can turn the team around and get the positivity back.

Here are 5 ways to do that:

1. Problem-Solving Over Complaining
Venting can be healthy if it’s followed by action. Chronic negativity often comes from people feeling powerless or frustrated and they may not even realize they’re stuck in a complaining cycle. When a colleague complains, shift the conversation by asking, “What can we do to fix this?” Get them to come up with a solution, no matter how small and follow up on their ideas. This shifts the complaining to problem-solving and gives them a sense of control and the whole team a sense of what to focus on to improve.

2. Create a Culture of Gratitude
Negativity comes from focusing on what’s missing or what’s going wrong. Creating a culture of gratitude can counteract that. Consider having regular gratitude moments in team meetings where everyone shares a positive observation, personal achievement or team success. This isn’t about ignoring the problems but about balancing the perspective. Research shows gratitude boosts morale and individual mental well-being and leads to a more resilient and less negative team.

3. Give Feedback on Communication Style
Chronic negativity is often a habit and the person may not even realize how their words impact others. If you have a good relationship with the person, bring their attention to how they express their concerns. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem really upset about this. Let’s brainstorm some ways to fix it?” This feedback when given with compassion helps them feel seen and heard and encourages a more positive way of communicating.
For those who may resist, remind them positivity in communication isn’t about ignoring the real problems but about making space for constructive conversation.

4. Limit Exposure to Chronic Negativity
While we should support our team members, prolonged exposure to negativity can drain even the most robust professionals. If a colleague is constantly bringing down the mood, consider structuring your interactions to minimize their impact. For example, have one-on-one check-ins with them to share their concerns and explore solutions so their negativity doesn’t spread to others. Encourage team members to manage their own energy by taking breaks or doing stress-reducing activities if they find themselves getting affected by negative conversations frequently.

5. Share Positive News and Inspirational Stories
As bad news and complaints spread quickly, so can positivity if we make an effort to share it. Make a habit of sharing uplifting or inspiring stories during meetings or via team communications. Consider creating a “Good News” newsletter where team members can post positive updates, achievements or good news from around the world. Research shows exposure to positive stories and news boosts morale and resilience and helps teams stay balanced even in tough times.

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Chronic negativity can be tough to navigate in a healthy and engaging workplace. But by focusing on solutions, encouraging gratitude, giving feedback, managing exposure and sharing positivity, leaders can turn it around. When we help team members adopt a balanced approach to challenges we not only build a stronger more positive culture but we also empower individuals to flourish even when things get tough.

How to Deal with Difficult People
Paths to Opportunities Apr 19 2022 by Alexa Panza
Every day you interact with many different people, from family and friends to professors and employers. At some point, you will encounter a difficult person. Such people can make you feel frustrated, angry, and unhappy. But dealing with difficult people doesn’t have to be so difficult. Here are a few tips to make those unpleasant interactions a little easier.

Stay Calm
There are times when a difficult person makes you see red and you don’t know how to deal with it. The easy thing to do is to respond by flying off the handle. More often than not, though, this type of reaction will have negative ramifications. It not only will make you look bad, but it also could make the person you’re having issues with not want to try and work with you. Once that happens, it will be even more challenging to foster a positive relationship.

Instead, do your best to stay calm. Take slow, deep breaths and think about something other than the issue at hand. By remaining calm, you will help to deescalate a potentially charged situation, and create an opportunity to improve your communication with this person.

Don’t Make Assumptions
You may think you know exactly where the other person is coming from, or why they are responding the way they are. In reality, there is a very good chance that you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know if other factors may be affecting their interactions with you. Instead of making assumptions, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you were having a bad day, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you?

Set Boundaries
Once you’ve had a chance to step away from the situation and think clearly about things, determine what boundaries you can set to both protect yourself and to create more positive interactions in the future. Perhaps you don’t meet with the other person one on one, but rather only as part of a larger team. You may need to tell this person not to speak to you in a certain way. The boundaries may be personal parameters that only you are aware of, or they may be clear guidelines that you set with the other person. Either way, setting boundaries will help you feel more in control of the situation and may yield more successful interactions.

Be Honest with Yourself
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, it’s easy to put blame solely on the other person. But don’t be so quick to deem yourself completely innocent in the matter. In most situations, there are things that both individuals could do differently to promote a more positive outcome. Take time to reflect on your own actions. Ask yourself what you’re doing that could be setting the other person off. Or you may find that you haven’t actively tried to change the situation. You can’t control what the other person does, but you can control what you do.

Get Help
You may find that dealing with this person is really taking a toll on you, or that nothing you try is working. You don’t exist in a vacuum. Lean on friends and family for support. Talk to mentors or colleagues (when appropriate) to see if there might be something else you can do to help rectify the situation. Sometimes, it is too hard to see where you can go when you’re in the middle of things, and an outside perspective might be just what you need.

You will encounter difficult people wherever you go in life. What’s important is that you don’t let these issues consume you or define you. Take the time to understand where others may be coming from, think about what you can do differently. Perhaps you’ll discover that the difficult person isn’t so difficult after all.

On Topic
Felicia L. Alvarez is an enrolled tribal member of the Eastern Shoshone Nation, Fort Washakie, Wyoming, Wind River Reservation. She has worked at the Denver Art Museum for 25 years. For the past five years she has severed as a facilities supervisor. She is working toward becoming a Facilities Manager through the International Facility Management Association. Prior to the Denver Art Museum, Alvarez worked in many of the high rise facilities in the downtown Denver area.

What are some signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person — and that you’re going to have to go beyond your usual tactics to work with them?
As a facilities supervisor for the Denver Art Museum, I work with many different people, including those from the museum departments, contractors, visitors, employees, co-workers, and the greater community. Each individual reacts differently to a given scenario. As a supervisor, I will not blanket individuals and situations the same. Instead, I have to consider how I approach the specific person involved. Although my intentions are good and I just need an employee to do something, I know a situation can turn ugly quickly depending on the other person’s current state of mind.

Often, there are signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person. For example, they may act defensive or insubordinate, or they could have a bad attitude the moment you approach them. Perhaps their body language indicates resistance or reveals that they consider you as an aggressor. In these cases, a small task turns into rebellion.

When I notice such responses from the person I’m dealing with, I have learned that it’s best to back off and reconvene later in the day when their mood improves and frustration lessens. As a woman supervising men, I have had to work through these situations many times. Not only am I a woman in a man’s world, but I am also a Native woman. I say this because there are some people who feel you are beneath them, and their attitude reflects their mindset. All I can do is be understanding, let them know we have a job to do regardless of their issue with me. I must stand strong and be confident in what I’m asking them to do.

Being a supervisor is tough. You’re managing the work that needs to be done, but also coordinating and scheduling individuals to accomplish specific tasks. You will always run up against someone who will challenge your position, your integrity, and you as a leader. How you handle yourself is important. You must know when not to engage — if you’re are getting upset, it’s best to walk away and reconvene.

Remember, it’s not about who wins but rather it’s about getting the work done. At some point you and the difficult person you’re dealing with need to come to an agreement and work together. While this can take some time to work through, it can be done.

It is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult people at some point in your career. Sometimes it might be a supervisor while other times it may be your fellow associates. You may also encounter difficult customers that you have to interact with on a regular basis. There’s no simple reason why some people are difficult. The reality is that everyone is different and some personalities can be more challenging than others. Some people tend to take credit for others’ work while others blame everyone else for their mistakes. You may also have the coworker who steals everyone else’s ideas or the person who is combative whenever they are addressed. In every organization, there will undoubtedly be gossipers, bullies, demanding bosses, and terrible team players. Rather than endure these issues silently, try implementing the following strategies to help you better handle difficult people at work.

1. Don’t React
Sometimes difficult people act out because they want to rile you up and get a reaction out of you. If you react, there’s a good chance they will repeat the behavior. Instead, remain calm and try to ignore the person’s behavior. Move on with what you are doing and let them know that you are not concerned about their behavior. Someone who can remain calm is seen as being in control and the difficult person is more likely to respect you.

2. Develop a Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult person but this approach can actually be very effective. When you take the time to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their interests, and their style of work, you will have a better understanding of figuring out what makes them tick. Showing genuine interest and concern for a coworker can also motivate them to treat you with respect in return.

3. Practice Empathy
It’s easy to lash out and get angry when someone treats you unfairly, but try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You never know what is going on in someone else’s personal life. Perhaps the person is under enormous stress caring for a sick family member or maybe the person is going through a divorce. The fact is, we all go through challenging times in our lives when our attitudes and behaviors might be affected by our current situation. Instead of judging your coworker, try listening to them and practicing empathy.

4. Stand Up for Yourself
No matter the situation you should never be expected to accept poor, inexcusable behavior. Everyone is entitled to respect and you have a right to express your feelings if you feel you have been disrespected in the workplace. Calmly and assertively talk to the person and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are happy to talk with them and work alongside them but you expect to be treated with respect at work.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
There are many things in life that we can control and many that we can’t. It’s always best to focus on the things you can control. This includes dealing with difficult people. For instance, if you have a coworker that is not responsive to your calls or emails, simply move on to find another coworker who is willing to assist you with your project. Work around the difficult person and control the things you can.

6. Practice Self-Examination
The ability to practice self-awareness is a top leadership skill in any career. Take a minute to examine your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your demeanor towards others. Are you aware of your emotions and how they affect you? Are you aware of how your behaviors are perceived by those around you? Ask yourself if there is something you could be doing that might be contributing to the problem. You also need to examine the way in which you are handling the issue so you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the fire.

7. Treat the Person with Kindness and Respect
You may have heard the expression “kill them with kindness” and this can definitely be an effective tactic for dealing with difficult people. There is not a single person who appreciates being berated or treated like they are incompetent, and this includes difficult people. If you treat the person disrespectfully in return, they will almost certainly make things worse. You will be far more successful following the old mantra to “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

8. Don’t Take Things Personally
When someone is difficult we often find ourselves taking their behavior as a personal attack. If someone is repeatedly rude to us we begin to feel like they just don’t like us. The fact is, however, that the person’s rude behavior might be originating from something else. If you don’t take it personally, you can step back and really consider the best course of action.

9. Establish Boundaries
Dealing with a difficult person means you sometimes have to confront the person and establish firm boundaries. While you should do so with respect, it is certainly acceptable to advocate for yourself. You sometimes have to let the person know how you expect to be treated and let them know that you will not tolerate anything less. If they are unable to respect you, action may have to be taken.

10. Talk with Your Boss
If you have tried these other approaches and all else fails, you can always talk to your manager or boss about the situation. Be prepared to communicate clearly to your boss what is bothering you and why you find the behavior unacceptable. In some cases, you might even provide a record of the person’s disrespectful behavior. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and your ability to do your job.

Written by: https://managementtraininginstitute.com/contact-us/