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How To Handle Difficult People At Work?

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This article is written by Susmita Sarma, a digital marketer at Vantage Circle. She was involved with media relations before shifting her interest in research and creative writing. Apart from being a classical music buff, she keeps a keen interest in anchoring and cooking. For any related queries, contact editor@vantagecircle.com

How does it feel working alongside somebody who you’d rather avoid? Don’t you sometimes get crazy at work because of the action and attitude of your coworker?

Well, let’s be honest. In every organization, we encounter a fair share of difficult people. And we all find it challenging to deal with difficult people at work. But that skill is worth rewarding.

Difficult people at work comes in different forms. Like, say, some keeping talking but is never ready to listen. Some others are terrible criticizers and dishonest to their own responsibilities. Again, there are bullies, negativity spreaders, demanding bosses, gossipmongers, and terrible team players with uncompromising employee habits. Other than these, some common behaviors of difficult people at work include-

Mobile phone addicts
Taking credit for other people’s jobs
Double standard personalities
Shouting at others
Blaming others constantly
Showing off how deeply worried they are about work
Stealing ideas and thoughts and showing them as your own
Trust me; if you let these people and their issues go unaddressed, your work-life gets worse. How? Read on.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People At Workplace
Once you realize that you are facing difficulty from a coworker, you generally tend to ignore them. As days pass, you try to console yourselves that relationships get better with time. Sooner or later, the day will come when you will feel miserable going to your workplace. You will feel angry; you will feel pained. All your efforts to not address your difficulties will seem unjustified.

Rather than endure such problems, it’s easier to communicate frankly with the other person and discuss your dilemmas Thus, choosing to live long-term with a difficult situation isn’t a choice. If you are convinced, here are some best ways to help you deal with difficult people at work.

Seven Ways To Handle Difficult People At Work
1. Stop over-reacting and ask yourself.
Always begin with self-examination to assess it’s the difficult person’s activities that are troubling you. Make sure that you are not over-reacting. Ask yourself if you always experience difficulty while dealing with similar people. Do you know if your trouble is short or long-termed? Do you know how to deal with the same for a quicker resolution?

2. Don’t react, if you know that works.
People always try to get a reaction out of you. If you react, they get the chance to repeat themselves. So the next time a coworker says something provocative, try not to react that soon. You can either ignore them or respond in a way that would depict that you are not concerned about their comments. It would put the conversation to rest.

3. Let the difficult person know how you feel.
If you see that, without reactions, things get bitter, let them know how you feel. Be smart and clearly walk up to your coworker or boss and inform them that you do not like how they are treating you.

Try not to burst into your office, asking for answers. Instead, you can do it in a private mode of conversation. Attempt your best not to explode while you are conversing with them. Disclose to them precisely what they are doing and how it is causing you to feel.

It is also important to be pleasing and agreeable as you talk with the other individual. They may not know about the effect of their words or activities on you and accept their mistake. Again, some people might deny it or attempt to clarify your concerns. To keep it balanced, you must try to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

4. Follow up.
Do you see any signs of improvement on the other side? Or you see it getting worse? Decide if a subsequent follow-up conversation is required. Decide if it will have any effect on your image?

Choose if you need to keep on going up against the troublesome individual without anyone’s help. Decide if you still want to confront the annoying individual all alone by yourself. Try to know if other colleagues are in your support or not.

If you find that you still want to make peace, hold another discussion. If not, move on to the next idea of involving your manager.

5. Talk with your manager/boss.
It may sound like a radical move to take, but often a message from those further up the chain is what they need to reform their ways. Note that, to have a difficult conversation with your boss, you need to prepare accordingly. You should be careful with your approach, and predetermine what works with your boss.

Be sure that you are calm when communicating to explain what is troubling you, how it impacts your job, and how you wish it to be addressed. Take notes with you, if required.

It can be a good practice to record your colleague’s disrespectful behavior, which you can provide as proof when you speak to your manager. You can talk to the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person-carefully. It is because group approaches often persuade the manager that the behavior’s effect is broader and deeper.

6. Don’t take it personally.
At the point when somebody is continuously discourteous and rude to us, we can start to think about it literally and feel like we have accomplished something incorrectly. It might be there is something in particular about you that the individual doesn’t care for.

Such employee behaviors may be originating from that individual’s thoughts and beliefs; however, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong. Keeping this in mind will help you to confront the person, confidently.

If all these approaches fail, you can try to limit your access to a difficult person. Also, if possible, you can request to get transferred to a different department within the organization. If you do that, you may never have to deal with the rough coworker again. And then there is the most drastic move that we usually reserve for extreme times- quitting the job.

7. Find a new job.
Sometimes, irrespective of how hard we seek to fix a problem, a person can never alter his or her way. But their behavior should not come in the way of your happiness and success. You have to know whether the positive qualities in your present circumstance outweigh your troubles or vice versa.

It will be best to move on and start looking for other opportunities if it doesn’t seem to be changing. Even though leaving your recognizable work environment may be upsetting, when you sink into another condition away from that negative conduct, you’re sure to feel much better.

How To Handle Difficult People At Work?

/in , , , , , /by

This article is written by Susmita Sarma, a digital marketer at Vantage Circle. She was involved with media relations before shifting her interest in research and creative writing. Apart from being a classical music buff, she keeps a keen interest in anchoring and cooking. For any related queries, contact editor@vantagecircle.com

How does it feel working alongside somebody who you’d rather avoid? Don’t you sometimes get crazy at work because of the action and attitude of your coworker?

Well, let’s be honest. In every organization, we encounter a fair share of difficult people. And we all find it challenging to deal with difficult people at work. But that skill is worth rewarding.

Difficult people at work comes in different forms. Like, say, some keeping talking but is never ready to listen. Some others are terrible criticizers and dishonest to their own responsibilities. Again, there are bullies, negativity spreaders, demanding bosses, gossipmongers, and terrible team players with uncompromising employee habits. Other than these, some common behaviors of difficult people at work include-

Mobile phone addicts
Taking credit for other people’s jobs
Double standard personalities
Shouting at others
Blaming others constantly
Showing off how deeply worried they are about work
Stealing ideas and thoughts and showing them as your own
Trust me; if you let these people and their issues go unaddressed, your work-life gets worse. How? Read on.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People At Workplace
Once you realize that you are facing difficulty from a coworker, you generally tend to ignore them. As days pass, you try to console yourselves that relationships get better with time. Sooner or later, the day will come when you will feel miserable going to your workplace. You will feel angry; you will feel pained. All your efforts to not address your difficulties will seem unjustified.

Rather than endure such problems, it’s easier to communicate frankly with the other person and discuss your dilemmas Thus, choosing to live long-term with a difficult situation isn’t a choice. If you are convinced, here are some best ways to help you deal with difficult people at work.

Seven Ways To Handle Difficult People At Work
1. Stop over-reacting and ask yourself.
Always begin with self-examination to assess it’s the difficult person’s activities that are troubling you. Make sure that you are not over-reacting. Ask yourself if you always experience difficulty while dealing with similar people. Do you know if your trouble is short or long-termed? Do you know how to deal with the same for a quicker resolution?

2. Don’t react, if you know that works.
People always try to get a reaction out of you. If you react, they get the chance to repeat themselves. So the next time a coworker says something provocative, try not to react that soon. You can either ignore them or respond in a way that would depict that you are not concerned about their comments. It would put the conversation to rest.

3. Let the difficult person know how you feel.
If you see that, without reactions, things get bitter, let them know how you feel. Be smart and clearly walk up to your coworker or boss and inform them that you do not like how they are treating you.

Try not to burst into your office, asking for answers. Instead, you can do it in a private mode of conversation. Attempt your best not to explode while you are conversing with them. Disclose to them precisely what they are doing and how it is causing you to feel.

It is also important to be pleasing and agreeable as you talk with the other individual. They may not know about the effect of their words or activities on you and accept their mistake. Again, some people might deny it or attempt to clarify your concerns. To keep it balanced, you must try to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

4. Follow up.
Do you see any signs of improvement on the other side? Or you see it getting worse? Decide if a subsequent follow-up conversation is required. Decide if it will have any effect on your image?

Choose if you need to keep on going up against the troublesome individual without anyone’s help. Decide if you still want to confront the annoying individual all alone by yourself. Try to know if other colleagues are in your support or not.

If you find that you still want to make peace, hold another discussion. If not, move on to the next idea of involving your manager.

5. Talk with your manager/boss.
It may sound like a radical move to take, but often a message from those further up the chain is what they need to reform their ways. Note that, to have a difficult conversation with your boss, you need to prepare accordingly. You should be careful with your approach, and predetermine what works with your boss.

Be sure that you are calm when communicating to explain what is troubling you, how it impacts your job, and how you wish it to be addressed. Take notes with you, if required.

It can be a good practice to record your colleague’s disrespectful behavior, which you can provide as proof when you speak to your manager. You can talk to the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person-carefully. It is because group approaches often persuade the manager that the behavior’s effect is broader and deeper.

6. Don’t take it personally.
At the point when somebody is continuously discourteous and rude to us, we can start to think about it literally and feel like we have accomplished something incorrectly. It might be there is something in particular about you that the individual doesn’t care for.

Such employee behaviors may be originating from that individual’s thoughts and beliefs; however, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong. Keeping this in mind will help you to confront the person, confidently.

If all these approaches fail, you can try to limit your access to a difficult person. Also, if possible, you can request to get transferred to a different department within the organization. If you do that, you may never have to deal with the rough coworker again. And then there is the most drastic move that we usually reserve for extreme times- quitting the job.

7. Find a new job.
Sometimes, irrespective of how hard we seek to fix a problem, a person can never alter his or her way. But their behavior should not come in the way of your happiness and success. You have to know whether the positive qualities in your present circumstance outweigh your troubles or vice versa.

It will be best to move on and start looking for other opportunities if it doesn’t seem to be changing. Even though leaving your recognizable work environment may be upsetting, when you sink into another condition away from that negative conduct, you’re sure to feel much better.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict

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My brother and I love to debate. Give us a topic, tell me which side to represent, and I’m game. The two of us love to push buttons for one another, but at the end of the day, we engage in a healthy debate. We don’t take it personally, and at the end of the discussion, it is common for one to say to the other, “That was a really good point. I hadn’t thought of that.” We use our debates to share our opinions and learn from one another.

Unfortunately, not everyone debates that way at all. Debate is not always conflict, conflict is not always healthy, and conflict is not created equally.

Workplace conflict happens daily and can strengthen or weaken a team depending on how it is managed. While some conflicts can be healthy and lead to innovation and growth, unresolved conflicts can hurt employee morale and productivity. Conflict around ideas, for example, can fuel innovation and create stronger teams. In contrast, interpersonal conflict often divides and undermines productivity.

To distinguish healthy conflict from unhealthy conflict, let’s start with working definitions:

Unhealthy Conflict: This is interpersonal conflict, usually based on personal grievances, miscommunications, or perceived slights. It is unproductive and divides people, leading to stress and resentment. Unhealthy conflict tends to be based on emotional responses rather than facts and focuses on people rather than ideas. People don’t listen to other points of view and attack others for not thinking the way they think.

Healthy Conflict: This occurs around ideas and encourages open discussion of different viewpoints. Healthy conflict strengthens teams by allowing members to voice their opinions openly without fear of judgment. This type of conflict is constructive, driving creativity and leading to more refined and well-thought-out solutions. It doesn’t attack but instead values different points of view.

Unhealthy conflict comes from several sources: unresolved past issues, misunderstandings, control issues, clashing personalities, or even jealousy. This type of conflict is destructive because it revolves around personal issues rather than professional ideas, and the outcomes are almost always negative. Here’s how unhealthy conflict typically appears in the workplace:

Personal Attacks and Gossip: When disagreements become personal, they often lead to attacks on character rather than constructive discussions. Gossip can also spread, damaging reputations and destroying trust.

Blame Game: Unhealthy conflict often involves assigning blame to individuals rather than discussing how to solve a problem. It leads to defensiveness, and team members may be unwilling to admit mistakes. It doesn’t matter what happened; what matters is who did or said what.

Avoidance or Aggression: If you ever had to avoid someone you work with because you don’t get along, you are experiencing unhealthy conflict. If you can’t avoid one another, the conversation is often passive-aggressive, which is obvious to everyone listening. This often creates a “team” approach to conflict. Are you on Team Rhonda or Team Troy? It makes it uncomfortable and unproductive for everyone when it feels like we are still in high school.

Loss of Focus on Organizational Goals: I belong to an association where we have had an unhealthy conflict that affected the entire association. One person wanted option “A,” and another wanted option “B.” It quickly became personal between the two people, and it felt like the association’s goals weren’t important, but instead, winning was more important for one of the participants. It divided the membership, which impacted everyone.

We know that unhealthy conflict creates a toxic environment. It destroys morale, reduces collaboration, and often results in increased turnover and unengaged team members. If you’ve experienced unhealthy conflict, you may feel alone and isolated, unappreciated, or unsupported, which impacts your overall performance.

On the flip side, healthy conflict can act as a catalyst for positive change. Healthy conflict is not about winning or losing; it’s about finding the best solution for the organization. When encouraged and managed effectively, healthy conflict fosters a culture of trust and open communication. Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:

Focus on Ideas, Not Individuals: Healthy conflict revolves around problem-solving and innovation. By focusing on ideas rather than people, everyone feels safe sharing different opinions, which builds respect and inclusivity. My brother Troy and I not only love to debate, but we also like to learn from one another. I know that his perspective on things has changed my approach to some things.

Increased Creativity and Innovation: Since we feel comfortable disagreeing with one another (in fairness, we look forward to it), we bring diverse perspectives to the table, which creates innovative solutions.

When Warren and I bought and renovated our home in 2020, Troy challenged one of our ideas for the family room. In the end, we took his approach and were thrilled with the final result. His perspective was valuable, and we benefited from his creativity.

Better Decision-Making: By considering multiple viewpoints, teams are more likely to make well-rounded decisions. “Group think” is when we all think the same way and lack creativity, ideas, and perspectives. Groups need to have healthy debate so we can see the issue from different angles and make more informed choices.
Strengthened Team Dynamics: Healthy conflict promotes open communication and trust, which can deepen relationships among team members. It reinforces that all opinions are valued and respected.
Clearer Goals and Roles: When people discuss issues openly, they clarify expectations and responsibilities. Healthy conflict forces teams to articulate their objectives and ensures everyone is on the same page, making it easier to achieve organizational goals.
Healthy conflict is a hallmark of high-performing teams and healthy work cultures. Last week, my article was about not fitting into your workplace culture. However, having unhealthy conflict in your workplace creates an unhealthy culture where you may feel you don’t belong.

I recently worked with an association where I had an opinion that was not valued. I expressed my opinion, and I felt I was open and professional. I was told, in fairly clear terms, “This is how we do it. If you don’t like it, we have many speakers to take your place.”

I realized this is not a culture I want to be part of. It wasn’t a healthy discussion. It didn’t need to be conflict, but it was clearly shown I wasn’t allowed to express my concern. I won’t be speaking there again either.

Healthy conflict encourages others to feel comfortable to voice their concerns and perspectives, which creates a stronger, more adaptable, and healthy organization.

Want to know how to create healthy conflict at work and with your colleagues?

Establish Ground Rules for Communication: Make sure everyone understands the difference between attacking ideas and attacking people. Ground rules for respectful communication can make a big difference.

Model Constructive Disagreement: Be the leader and set the tone for how conflict is handled. By demonstrating how to disagree respectfully and focus on ideas, you can show others that speaking up is safe.

Encourage Active Listening: Encourage everyone to listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and refrain from interrupting. This promotes understanding and reduces the chance of personal attacks.

Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: When conflict arises, redirect discussions towards finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Share this article. #BlameRhonda. By sharing the info openly and potentially putting it on the agenda for your next team meeting, you can get everyone on board with creating a healthy place to work

Even when you do everything right, sometimes things still go wrong. If we become attached to our ideas, our emotions can take over. If we react vs act, we can say or do something that will be received as a personal attack. Even healthy conflict can go sideways occasionally, so be sure you remember exactly how to have healthy conflict. And always remember, you both need to feel the same way. Just because you are keeping it as a healthy disagreement doesn’t mean the other person is.

Conflict is neither good nor bad; it is how it is managed that determines its impact. We need to create a culture where everyone feels valued and valuable. Everyone needs to feel comfortable to express their thoughts without fear of retribution. Conflict can be healthy and can build a culture of respect, trust, and innovation. In the long run, workplaces that handle conflict productively are better equipped to face challenges, adapt to change, and achieve lasting success.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Repairing Trust With Your Boss

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I once shared a “do not share with anyone” bit of knowledge with a colleague I trusted. I trusted that Gail wouldn’t share it with anyone, but just like the old shampoo commercial, “They tell two friends who each tell two friends,” my trust was broken when she continued to share the information.

That wasn’t what bothered me, though. Sharing confidential information was entirely my fault, and I should have known better than to share it. What bothered me was that my boss wasn’t going to trust me, and I knew it.

Trust is the foundation of any professional relationship. When it’s compromised, the dynamic between you both can become strained, reducing productivity and job satisfaction. In our roles, trust is critical, as we often handle sensitive information, manage private schedules, and keep operations running smoothly behind the scenes. If a mistake or breach of trust occurs, it can disrupt not only the immediate relationship with the boss but the entire functioning of the team or office.

I knew I messed up. I knew that I not only had to admit it, but I had to repair our relationship.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Breach

The first step toward mending any broken trust is acknowledging that it happened. While I would have preferred to ignore that I had shared a confidence and hoped he never found out, I knew that was the wrong approach.

I sat down with him and admitted I had made a mistake. I used a sincere apology once I knew the breach occurred. I didn’t wait to find out if he knew I did this or not, I pre-emptively acknowledged what I did. I knew that I had to show him that honesty was essential, and I wasn’t going to shirk away from owning my mistake.

Do:

Acknowledge the mistake directly and honestly.
Apologize sincerely and specifically, without excuses.

Don’t:

Downplay the mistake or shift blame to others.
Avoid the issue by staying silent or hoping it goes unnoticed.

Step 2: Understand the Impact

Understanding how the mistake affected your boss, the team, or the team is important. Showing empathy and recognizing the consequences of your actions can go a long way in demonstrating your commitment to making things right. It shows you respect the others.

I explained that I knew that my breach would affect his trust in me. I knew that my reputation would be potentially affected, and although I wanted to downplay what I did, I acted like an adult, said what I needed to say, and stopped talking!

Do:

– Ask how the mistake impacted your boss or the team if it’s unclear.
– Show empathy and a willingness to understand the broader implications of the error.

Don’t:

– Act as though the mistake is minor or only affected you.
– Try to explain away the mistake before fully understanding its impact.

Step 3: Take Responsibility and Outline a Plan

During our conversation, I shared that although I never thought I would break a confidence, I did unintentionally. I realized once I shared the info that it was confidential. I promised never to do it again. Gail and I were work friends, but I learned that I shouldn’t have shared something with her. I told him that I made a mistake but learned from it.

Do:

– Take full responsibility for the mistake without excuses
– Offer concrete steps for how you plan to avoid making the same error again.

Don’t:

– Make vague promises like “I’ll do better next time.”
– Shift responsibility to others or use excuses like “it wasn’t my fault” or “no one told me.”

Step 4: Rebuild Trust Through Consistent Action

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Consistent and reliable behavior will show they can trust you again. Expect this to take time, and don’t give up.

Do:

– Stick to your plan.
– Understand and acknowledge that transparent communication is vital to repairing the mistake

Don’t:

– Expect immediate forgiveness or trust. Be patient.
– Return to old habits or assume that the issue is resolved because some time has passed.

Step 5: Ask for Feedback and Remain Open to Criticism

As you work to rebuild trust, remaining open to feedback is essential. I was grateful that he didn’t bring it up in a passive-aggressive manner such as, “Well, you have proven you can’t keep secrets,” or “I can’t tell you some things as I can’t trust you.” We did rebuild our trust, and I learned an important lesson. As much as it hurt me to hear it, I listened to him tell me he was disappointed in my actions.

Do:

– Ask for feedback at appropriate intervals if your plan is process-oriented
– Accept criticism graciously, even if it’s hard to hear.

Don’t:

Become defensive or impatient when feedback is given.
Avoid asking for feedback, assuming everything is fine.

Once trust has been broken, fixing it is challenging but achievable. We need accountability, empathy, consistent action, and willingness to learn from our mistakes. Actions speak louder than words, so prove to your boss that you have learned from your mistakes.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

5 Strategies For Dealing With Chronic Negativity In The Workplace

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Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – Work Smart Live Smart

Whine Synonyms: complain, bellyache, fuss, gripe, grumble, moan, snivel….

In any workplace, a colleague who complains all the time or only focuses on the negative can suck the energy out of the room and dampen team spirit. Chronic negativity from those who whine or always dwell on the problems can create a toxic work environment. For team leaders and HR people, dealing with negativity effectively can turn the team around and get the positivity back.

Here are 5 ways to do that:

1. Problem-Solving Over Complaining
Venting can be healthy if it’s followed by action. Chronic negativity often comes from people feeling powerless or frustrated and they may not even realize they’re stuck in a complaining cycle. When a colleague complains, shift the conversation by asking, “What can we do to fix this?” Get them to come up with a solution, no matter how small and follow up on their ideas. This shifts the complaining to problem-solving and gives them a sense of control and the whole team a sense of what to focus on to improve.

2. Create a Culture of Gratitude
Negativity comes from focusing on what’s missing or what’s going wrong. Creating a culture of gratitude can counteract that. Consider having regular gratitude moments in team meetings where everyone shares a positive observation, personal achievement or team success. This isn’t about ignoring the problems but about balancing the perspective. Research shows gratitude boosts morale and individual mental well-being and leads to a more resilient and less negative team.

3. Give Feedback on Communication Style
Chronic negativity is often a habit and the person may not even realize how their words impact others. If you have a good relationship with the person, bring their attention to how they express their concerns. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem really upset about this. Let’s brainstorm some ways to fix it?” This feedback when given with compassion helps them feel seen and heard and encourages a more positive way of communicating.
For those who may resist, remind them positivity in communication isn’t about ignoring the real problems but about making space for constructive conversation.

4. Limit Exposure to Chronic Negativity
While we should support our team members, prolonged exposure to negativity can drain even the most robust professionals. If a colleague is constantly bringing down the mood, consider structuring your interactions to minimize their impact. For example, have one-on-one check-ins with them to share their concerns and explore solutions so their negativity doesn’t spread to others. Encourage team members to manage their own energy by taking breaks or doing stress-reducing activities if they find themselves getting affected by negative conversations frequently.

5. Share Positive News and Inspirational Stories
As bad news and complaints spread quickly, so can positivity if we make an effort to share it. Make a habit of sharing uplifting or inspiring stories during meetings or via team communications. Consider creating a “Good News” newsletter where team members can post positive updates, achievements or good news from around the world. Research shows exposure to positive stories and news boosts morale and resilience and helps teams stay balanced even in tough times.

________________________________________

Chronic negativity can be tough to navigate in a healthy and engaging workplace. But by focusing on solutions, encouraging gratitude, giving feedback, managing exposure and sharing positivity, leaders can turn it around. When we help team members adopt a balanced approach to challenges we not only build a stronger more positive culture but we also empower individuals to flourish even when things get tough.

Repairing Trust With Your Boss

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I once shared a “do not share with anyone” bit of knowledge with a colleague I trusted. I trusted that Gail wouldn’t share it with anyone, but just like the old shampoo commercial, “They tell two friends who each tell two friends,” my trust was broken when she continued to share the information.

That wasn’t what bothered me, though. Sharing confidential information was entirely my fault, and I should have known better than to share it. What bothered me was that my boss wasn’t going to trust me, and I knew it.

Trust is the foundation of any professional relationship. When it’s compromised, the dynamic between you both can become strained, reducing productivity and job satisfaction. In our roles, trust is critical, as we often handle sensitive information, manage private schedules, and keep operations running smoothly behind the scenes. If a mistake or breach of trust occurs, it can disrupt not only the immediate relationship with the boss but the entire functioning of the team or office.

I knew I messed up. I knew that I not only had to admit it, but I had to repair our relationship.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Breach

The first step toward mending any broken trust is acknowledging that it happened. While I would have preferred to ignore that I had shared a confidence and hoped he never found out, I knew that was the wrong approach.

I sat down with him and admitted I had made a mistake. I used a sincere apology once I knew the breach occurred. I didn’t wait to find out if he knew I did this or not, I pre-emptively acknowledged what I did. I knew that I had to show him that honesty was essential, and I wasn’t going to shirk away from owning my mistake.

Do:

Acknowledge the mistake directly and honestly.
Apologize sincerely and specifically, without excuses.

Don’t:

Downplay the mistake or shift blame to others.
Avoid the issue by staying silent or hoping it goes unnoticed.

Step 2: Understand the Impact

Understanding how the mistake affected your boss, the team, or the team is important. Showing empathy and recognizing the consequences of your actions can go a long way in demonstrating your commitment to making things right. It shows you respect the others.

I explained that I knew that my breach would affect his trust in me. I knew that my reputation would be potentially affected, and although I wanted to downplay what I did, I acted like an adult, said what I needed to say, and stopped talking!

Do:

– Ask how the mistake impacted your boss or the team if it’s unclear.
– Show empathy and a willingness to understand the broader implications of the error.

Don’t:

– Act as though the mistake is minor or only affected you.
– Try to explain away the mistake before fully understanding its impact.

Step 3: Take Responsibility and Outline a Plan

During our conversation, I shared that although I never thought I would break a confidence, I did unintentionally. I realized once I shared the info that it was confidential. I promised never to do it again. Gail and I were work friends, but I learned that I shouldn’t have shared something with her. I told him that I made a mistake but learned from it.

Do:

– Take full responsibility for the mistake without excuses
– Offer concrete steps for how you plan to avoid making the same error again.

Don’t:

– Make vague promises like “I’ll do better next time.”
– Shift responsibility to others or use excuses like “it wasn’t my fault” or “no one told me.”

Step 4: Rebuild Trust Through Consistent Action

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Consistent and reliable behavior will show they can trust you again. Expect this to take time, and don’t give up.

Do:

– Stick to your plan.
– Understand and acknowledge that transparent communication is vital to repairing the mistake

Don’t:

– Expect immediate forgiveness or trust. Be patient.
– Return to old habits or assume that the issue is resolved because some time has passed.

Step 5: Ask for Feedback and Remain Open to Criticism

As you work to rebuild trust, remaining open to feedback is essential. I was grateful that he didn’t bring it up in a passive-aggressive manner such as, “Well, you have proven you can’t keep secrets,” or “I can’t tell you some things as I can’t trust you.” We did rebuild our trust, and I learned an important lesson. As much as it hurt me to hear it, I listened to him tell me he was disappointed in my actions.

Do:

– Ask for feedback at appropriate intervals if your plan is process-oriented
– Accept criticism graciously, even if it’s hard to hear.

Don’t:

Become defensive or impatient when feedback is given.
Avoid asking for feedback, assuming everything is fine.

Once trust has been broken, fixing it is challenging but achievable. We need accountability, empathy, consistent action, and willingness to learn from our mistakes. Actions speak louder than words, so prove to your boss that you have learned from your mistakes.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Dealing with Difficult People

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How to Deal with Difficult People
Paths to Opportunities Apr 19 2022 by Alexa Panza
Every day you interact with many different people, from family and friends to professors and employers. At some point, you will encounter a difficult person. Such people can make you feel frustrated, angry, and unhappy. But dealing with difficult people doesn’t have to be so difficult. Here are a few tips to make those unpleasant interactions a little easier.

Stay Calm
There are times when a difficult person makes you see red and you don’t know how to deal with it. The easy thing to do is to respond by flying off the handle. More often than not, though, this type of reaction will have negative ramifications. It not only will make you look bad, but it also could make the person you’re having issues with not want to try and work with you. Once that happens, it will be even more challenging to foster a positive relationship.

Instead, do your best to stay calm. Take slow, deep breaths and think about something other than the issue at hand. By remaining calm, you will help to deescalate a potentially charged situation, and create an opportunity to improve your communication with this person.

Don’t Make Assumptions
You may think you know exactly where the other person is coming from, or why they are responding the way they are. In reality, there is a very good chance that you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know if other factors may be affecting their interactions with you. Instead of making assumptions, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you were having a bad day, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you?

Set Boundaries
Once you’ve had a chance to step away from the situation and think clearly about things, determine what boundaries you can set to both protect yourself and to create more positive interactions in the future. Perhaps you don’t meet with the other person one on one, but rather only as part of a larger team. You may need to tell this person not to speak to you in a certain way. The boundaries may be personal parameters that only you are aware of, or they may be clear guidelines that you set with the other person. Either way, setting boundaries will help you feel more in control of the situation and may yield more successful interactions.

Be Honest with Yourself
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, it’s easy to put blame solely on the other person. But don’t be so quick to deem yourself completely innocent in the matter. In most situations, there are things that both individuals could do differently to promote a more positive outcome. Take time to reflect on your own actions. Ask yourself what you’re doing that could be setting the other person off. Or you may find that you haven’t actively tried to change the situation. You can’t control what the other person does, but you can control what you do.

Get Help
You may find that dealing with this person is really taking a toll on you, or that nothing you try is working. You don’t exist in a vacuum. Lean on friends and family for support. Talk to mentors or colleagues (when appropriate) to see if there might be something else you can do to help rectify the situation. Sometimes, it is too hard to see where you can go when you’re in the middle of things, and an outside perspective might be just what you need.

You will encounter difficult people wherever you go in life. What’s important is that you don’t let these issues consume you or define you. Take the time to understand where others may be coming from, think about what you can do differently. Perhaps you’ll discover that the difficult person isn’t so difficult after all.

On Topic
Felicia L. Alvarez is an enrolled tribal member of the Eastern Shoshone Nation, Fort Washakie, Wyoming, Wind River Reservation. She has worked at the Denver Art Museum for 25 years. For the past five years she has severed as a facilities supervisor. She is working toward becoming a Facilities Manager through the International Facility Management Association. Prior to the Denver Art Museum, Alvarez worked in many of the high rise facilities in the downtown Denver area.

What are some signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person — and that you’re going to have to go beyond your usual tactics to work with them?
As a facilities supervisor for the Denver Art Museum, I work with many different people, including those from the museum departments, contractors, visitors, employees, co-workers, and the greater community. Each individual reacts differently to a given scenario. As a supervisor, I will not blanket individuals and situations the same. Instead, I have to consider how I approach the specific person involved. Although my intentions are good and I just need an employee to do something, I know a situation can turn ugly quickly depending on the other person’s current state of mind.

Often, there are signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person. For example, they may act defensive or insubordinate, or they could have a bad attitude the moment you approach them. Perhaps their body language indicates resistance or reveals that they consider you as an aggressor. In these cases, a small task turns into rebellion.

When I notice such responses from the person I’m dealing with, I have learned that it’s best to back off and reconvene later in the day when their mood improves and frustration lessens. As a woman supervising men, I have had to work through these situations many times. Not only am I a woman in a man’s world, but I am also a Native woman. I say this because there are some people who feel you are beneath them, and their attitude reflects their mindset. All I can do is be understanding, let them know we have a job to do regardless of their issue with me. I must stand strong and be confident in what I’m asking them to do.

Being a supervisor is tough. You’re managing the work that needs to be done, but also coordinating and scheduling individuals to accomplish specific tasks. You will always run up against someone who will challenge your position, your integrity, and you as a leader. How you handle yourself is important. You must know when not to engage — if you’re are getting upset, it’s best to walk away and reconvene.

Remember, it’s not about who wins but rather it’s about getting the work done. At some point you and the difficult person you’re dealing with need to come to an agreement and work together. While this can take some time to work through, it can be done.

Dealing with Difficult People

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Dealing with difficult people is a challenge, but you can overcome it by following a few simple steps. I know this because I’m that person who is sometimes difficult to deal with and I can fix difficult situations too.

I don’t intend to be difficult; that is never the goal. Neither does your difficult person intend to be difficult (although I appreciate that it feels that way). It is just that the two of you have different wants and needs, and they are not aligned.

By looking at the situation differently, you can often deal with your difficult person without being difficult yourself.

Define the problem.
Before developing a solution, you must define what you’re trying to solve. Do you have different viewpoints on how to do things? Does it feel that they say the opposite every time you say one thing? Or do you feel like it’s never good enough, no matter what you do at work? We could all face many daily issues that make us feel frustrated and annoyed, but to fix the situation, we need to define it clearly.

Look at the situation from their viewpoint

It’s essential to see the other point of view even if you disagree with it.

Traffic is a great example. You are in the left (passing) lane and are driving over the speed limit, but the car behind you is driving very close to your bumper and flashing their lights. They clearly want you to move over so they can get by. You’ve decided they are being difficult as they want to drive too fast and want you to move, and you don’t want to move over.

Look at it from their perspective. They see you as the difficult person. They want to drive faster, and you are slowing them down.

You may not agree that you are being difficult, but you must be prepared to see it from their perspective. Can you see (not necessarily agree) that they perceive you as the difficult person in this situation? When you see it, the solution is often obvious (move over) instead of prolonging the situation to prove that you are correct (whether you are or not).

Different doesn’t mean wrong!
People have different beliefs, and being different doesn’t mean they are wrong or even that they are being difficult.

In the opening paragraph, I identified myself as sometimes being a difficult person. I’m not a jerk, and I’m not a challenge to work with. I potentially do things differently than you do, and you may define me as difficult because we aren’t the same or don’t always agree on some things.

Our neighbors have defined Warren and me as difficult. The Rideau River (where we live) is extremely weedy. It is shallow and warm, and weeds love those conditions. We don’t love the weeds at all, so we will jump in the river with our rake and rake the riverbed to dislodge the weeds. Our neighbors don’t like that we loosen them as they float down the river (they live down the river from us).

Asking us not to remove our weeds isn’t reasonable from our perspective (hard to have a swimming spot for the kids when it is filled with weeds). I understand they don’t like the weeds floating on their beach, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong to remove mine. Nor does it mean that I’m difficult because I won’t stop removing my weeds just because they don’t like the results.

Find a win/win

You have the right to your beliefs and opinions. The other person does, too, and there will be times when you can negotiate and find a win/win for you both. There will be times when that doesn’t happen, either because there is no middle ground or because one person isn’t willing to negotiate.

My brother and I grew up constantly arguing about what television show we would watch together. We had entirely different tastes. We negotiated a situation where it seemed fair to us both. He would pick the first program, and I picked the second. We took turns.

That did mean that every second show was something I didn’t want to watch, but our negotiation worked for us both, therefore win/win.

Be flexible.

If I dug my heels in and said my brother was bullying me to watch something I didn’t want to when it was his choice, I am being difficult. I am unwilling to compromise and want only a solution that appeals to me. We need to be careful that we aren’t being difficult that way.

There will be times when there is no win/win (our neighbors are a great example), but you always want to be flexible (to avoid being the difficult person).

The most important thing to remember when dealing with difficult people is that difficult people situations are always two-way. They feel difficult to you, and you feel difficult to them. Avoid being the difficult person by following a few simple steps.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

10 Tactics for Working with Difficult People

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It is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult people at some point in your career. Sometimes it might be a supervisor while other times it may be your fellow associates. You may also encounter difficult customers that you have to interact with on a regular basis. There’s no simple reason why some people are difficult. The reality is that everyone is different and some personalities can be more challenging than others. Some people tend to take credit for others’ work while others blame everyone else for their mistakes. You may also have the coworker who steals everyone else’s ideas or the person who is combative whenever they are addressed. In every organization, there will undoubtedly be gossipers, bullies, demanding bosses, and terrible team players. Rather than endure these issues silently, try implementing the following strategies to help you better handle difficult people at work.

1. Don’t React
Sometimes difficult people act out because they want to rile you up and get a reaction out of you. If you react, there’s a good chance they will repeat the behavior. Instead, remain calm and try to ignore the person’s behavior. Move on with what you are doing and let them know that you are not concerned about their behavior. Someone who can remain calm is seen as being in control and the difficult person is more likely to respect you.

2. Develop a Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult person but this approach can actually be very effective. When you take the time to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their interests, and their style of work, you will have a better understanding of figuring out what makes them tick. Showing genuine interest and concern for a coworker can also motivate them to treat you with respect in return.

3. Practice Empathy
It’s easy to lash out and get angry when someone treats you unfairly, but try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You never know what is going on in someone else’s personal life. Perhaps the person is under enormous stress caring for a sick family member or maybe the person is going through a divorce. The fact is, we all go through challenging times in our lives when our attitudes and behaviors might be affected by our current situation. Instead of judging your coworker, try listening to them and practicing empathy.

4. Stand Up for Yourself
No matter the situation you should never be expected to accept poor, inexcusable behavior. Everyone is entitled to respect and you have a right to express your feelings if you feel you have been disrespected in the workplace. Calmly and assertively talk to the person and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are happy to talk with them and work alongside them but you expect to be treated with respect at work.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
There are many things in life that we can control and many that we can’t. It’s always best to focus on the things you can control. This includes dealing with difficult people. For instance, if you have a coworker that is not responsive to your calls or emails, simply move on to find another coworker who is willing to assist you with your project. Work around the difficult person and control the things you can.

6. Practice Self-Examination
The ability to practice self-awareness is a top leadership skill in any career. Take a minute to examine your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your demeanor towards others. Are you aware of your emotions and how they affect you? Are you aware of how your behaviors are perceived by those around you? Ask yourself if there is something you could be doing that might be contributing to the problem. You also need to examine the way in which you are handling the issue so you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the fire.

7. Treat the Person with Kindness and Respect
You may have heard the expression “kill them with kindness” and this can definitely be an effective tactic for dealing with difficult people. There is not a single person who appreciates being berated or treated like they are incompetent, and this includes difficult people. If you treat the person disrespectfully in return, they will almost certainly make things worse. You will be far more successful following the old mantra to “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

8. Don’t Take Things Personally
When someone is difficult we often find ourselves taking their behavior as a personal attack. If someone is repeatedly rude to us we begin to feel like they just don’t like us. The fact is, however, that the person’s rude behavior might be originating from something else. If you don’t take it personally, you can step back and really consider the best course of action.

9. Establish Boundaries
Dealing with a difficult person means you sometimes have to confront the person and establish firm boundaries. While you should do so with respect, it is certainly acceptable to advocate for yourself. You sometimes have to let the person know how you expect to be treated and let them know that you will not tolerate anything less. If they are unable to respect you, action may have to be taken.

10. Talk with Your Boss
If you have tried these other approaches and all else fails, you can always talk to your manager or boss about the situation. Be prepared to communicate clearly to your boss what is bothering you and why you find the behavior unacceptable. In some cases, you might even provide a record of the person’s disrespectful behavior. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and your ability to do your job.

Written by: https://managementtraininginstitute.com/contact-us/

The Top 5 Mistakes People Make During Confrontations and How to Avoid Them

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Unfortunately, Warren and I are having issues with our neighbors in our dream home on the river. We moved here four years ago and were quickly aware they were challenging and loved to complain about everyone. I was determined to win her over, and we wouldn’t have any issues.

I’m not winning the battle, and things appear to worsen each week. We are frustrated and want to lash out, which we both know is not right. We think our neighbor wants us to lash out so she has legitimate complaints because we’ve given her nothing to complain about so far. She is confrontational, and we want to make sure we don’t make any mistakes the next time she comes stomping over.

We know that confrontations are a natural part of life, both personally and professionally. They happen when misunderstandings, disagreements, or unmet expectations need to be addressed. We know how we handle our confrontations significantly impacts our relationships and outcomes. In the same way, we don’t want to make any mistakes with our neighbor unintentionally; you don’t want to do the same at work either. By being aware of the common mistakes, we can ensure we don’t fall into their traps!

Here are the top 5 mistakes people make during confrontations and how to avoid them.

1. Reacting Emotionally

One of the most frequent mistakes in confrontations is reacting emotionally. When anger, frustration, or hurt take over, they can cloud judgment and lead to impulsive responses, which causes us to say or do things we regret. Raised voices, aggressive body language, or hurtful words are common examples. When people react based on feelings rather than logic, the confrontation can quickly turn personal and destructive.

How to avoid it: Practice emotional regulation by taking a moment to breathe and calm down before responding. Focus on staying composed and grounded.

That means we both will count to five or ten before responding to whatever our neighbor is saying. We want to ensure that our response is the proper response and not an emotional reaction. We’ve decided that if we can’t respond in the moment, we will say, “I need a moment to calm myself down. I’ll finish this conversation later.” You can decide what later is. For us, it means we will end the conversation, not say anything we might regret, and choose to stay in control by postponing the discussion. We feel our neighbor is trying to bait us into giving her an emotional reaction, and we are choosing not to let her be successful.

If you feel emotions are overwhelming, it’s okay to request a short break and revisit the issue later.

2. Not Listening

In the heat of a confrontation, people often focus on what they want to say instead of genuinely listening to the other person. When you fail to listen, you risk misunderstanding the issue, which can lead to further conflict. Dr Steven Covey said in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” It means that we need to listen to what the other person is saying before we try to get them to listen to what we are saying. Knowing where they stand on the issue makes it much easier for us to be persuasive.

How to avoid it: Make a conscious effort to listen actively. Nod, make eye contact, and don’t interrupt. Paraphrase what the other person is saying to ensure you understand their point before responding. Don’t worry about forgetting what you will say; instead, focus on what they are saying.

3. Avoiding the Issue

Sometimes, people are so uncomfortable with confrontation that they avoid addressing the core issue altogether. Instead, they tiptoe around the problem, hoping it will resolve itself or go away. This rarely leads to resolution and can make the conflict worse over time.

In fairness, this is exactly what we have been doing with our neighbors. We’ve been uber polite and friendly (even though we know we are misrepresenting how we feel), hoping she won’t be confrontational.

How to avoid it: Be direct and transparent about what’s bothering you. Address the issue head-on but do so respectfully and resolve, not escalate the problem.

The next time our neighbor comes over to passive-aggressively complain about something we are doing, we’ve decided not to pretend we don’t know what she is complaining about. We will ask her questions and listen to what she says. Together, we’ve decided that pretending all is well in our neighborhood is no longer the approach we will take. We will be direct and honest about our frustrations.

4. Blaming and Finger-Pointing

It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming the other person during a confrontation. It’s easy for Warren and I to decide to be direct and place all the blame on our neighbors as they confront us. Blame shifts responsibility and will cause them to be defensive (we certainly have become defensive when they accuse us of doing things). When someone feels blamed, their natural response is often to defend themselves, which can lead to further disagreement and tension.

How to avoid it: Focus on using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, say “I feel upset when…” rather than “You always…”. This approach makes it about you instead of them. Anytime a sentence starts with the word “you,” it is guaranteed to cause a defensive reaction, which we need to avoid.

5. Assuming Intentions

Jumping to conclusions about the other person’s motives and intentions can lead to misunderstandings. For example, assuming someone deliberately acted to hurt or embarrass you is rarely true. Everyone does what they do because they get something from it. When someone spreads gossip about you at work (or in the neighborhood), it really isn’t about you. It is about the person spreading the gossip as being seen as the well-connected colleague, or the source of information. They are trying to make themselves look important rather than putting you down (or showing others they are better than you).

We have assumed that our neighbors are trying to get us to move. What is likely true (I won’t assume) is that they want others to feel sorry for them because they have to live beside us. They want sympathy rather than intending us to move.

How to avoid it: Ask questions before making assumptions. Instead of saying, “You did this to hurt me,” ask, “Can you explain why you did this?” This approach opens up dialogue and may reveal a different perspective.

Conflict is 100 percent guaranteed at work (and home), but how we handle it can determine whether it results in resolution or further conflict. By avoiding these common mistakes, you can deal with the issues professionally, respectfully, and, hopefully, successfully.

We have our plan ready for our neighbors. We have discussed what we will say and how we will say it when the next conversation happens. We are determined not to make any of these mistakes. I hope you do the same.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Stress: Dealing With Difficult Employees

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Stress and Difficult Employees
Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of stress from happening.

So why are people difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

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For some, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Beverly Beuermann-King

Understanding Difficult Employees
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

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Beverly’s Hot Tips
Ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse. Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving.

We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Navigating the Toxic Terrain: Strategies for Dealing with a Victimizer in the Workplace

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

The Victimizer In Action
Have you ever found yourself dreading your next team meeting full of conflict, or bracing for the inevitable moment when ‘that colleague’ seizes the opportunity to undermine your hard work? Navigating workplace dynamics can be difficult at the best of times, but even more so when you’re dealing with a Victimizer. These individuals thrive on catching you off guard or showing you up.

Scenario One:

It’s the quarterly review meeting at Association ABC. The executive team, including the Executive Director, Susan, is gathered in the boardroom. Everyone is prepared to discuss the financial performance and project updates, but there’s an underlying tension. Tom, a long standing board member, has a reputation for his strategic “gotcha” moments that often catch even the seasoned board members off guard.

As the meeting progresses, Susan presents an overview of the company’s financial health, proudly noting the successes and acknowledging the areas for improvement. Just as she’s wrapping up, Tom clears his throat and interjects, “Susan, I noticed a significant discrepancy in the accounting for Project Z. The numbers don’t add up, and it looks like a serious mistake was made. How could this oversight have happened under your watch?”

The room falls into an uneasy silence. Susan, taken aback, quickly scans her notes and the financial reports. She remembers that Tom had assured her all the project finances were in order just last week. Trying to maintain her composure, she asks, “Can you specify which figures you’re referring to, Tom?”

With a feigned look of concern, Tom continues, “It’s right here in the Q2 budget. There’s a $50,000 shortfall that wasn’t accounted for. This kind of error could have major implications. We need to ensure accountability at all levels, especially from our leadership.”

Susan, now realizing Tom is attempting to scapegoat her for an error he likely made, takes a deep breath. She calmly responds, “Tom, let’s review the detailed ledgers together after this meeting. I recall our discussion about Project Z’s budget last week where everything was confirmed accurate. Perhaps there’s been a miscommunication or an update that wasn’t properly logged.”

Tom’s expression hardens, but he nods, knowing he can’t immediately deflect the blame further without more scrutiny. The other board members exchange glances, sensing the underlying power play.

Scenario Two

It’s 9:00 AM on a typical Monday morning, and the team gathers in the conference room for their weekly status meeting.

As the team leader, Sarah, kicks off the discussion, she invites Jake to present his progress on a critical project. Jake, a dedicated and talented team member, begins outlining their work, highlighting the milestones achieved and the challenges faced.

Suddenly, Alex interrupts with a sharp, pointed question: “Jake, didn’t you promise we’d have the final report by last Friday? Why are we still behind schedule?”

The room falls silent. Jake’s face flushes as he fumbles to explain the unexpected complications that caused the delay. Alex’s tone is dripping with sarcasm as he continues, “It seems like we’re always hearing excuses.”

Jake’s confidence crumbles. His detailed explanation is overshadowed by Alex’s public attack, designed to embarrass him and cast doubt on his competence. The rest of the team shifts uncomfortably in their seats, each silently hoping they won’t be the next target of Alex’s “gotcha” tactics.

These scenarios demonstrates how a Victimizer like Alex or Tom can derail a productive meeting, undermine colleagues with unexpected attacks, and foster an environment of fear and uncertainty.

Key Characteristics of a Victimizer in the Workplace
The category of the “Victimizer” is not a universally recognized term in academic literature, it encapsulates characteristics seen in several well-studied workplace personality types. The concept seems to derive from a combination of traits found in other classifications like bullies, manipulative personalities, and toxic leaders.

A Victimizer in the workplace is a toxic individual who actively seeks to undermine, embarrass, and manipulate their colleagues. Their behaviours and tactics include:

Unpredictable Attacks (“Gotcha” Moments): They wait for the perfect moment to strike, often catching their colleagues off guard with unexpected criticisms or accusations.
Embarrassing Questions: They ask pointed questions designed to highlight others’ mistakes or inadequacies, making their colleagues feel exposed and humiliated.
Backstabbing: They engage in covert actions to undermine colleagues, such as spreading rumors or taking credit for others’ work.
Impossible Standards: They set unattainable goals and criticize others for not meeting them, creating a sense of failure and inadequacy.
Sarcasm: They use biting sarcasm to belittle and demean their colleagues, often under the guise of humor.
Aloofness: They remain distant and unapproachable, fostering an environment of fear and uncertainty.
Need to Win and Feel Important: They are driven by a desire to dominate and be seen as superior, often at the expense of others.
Pseudo-Expertise: They try to come across as the expert in everything, constantly showcasing their knowledge to undermine others. They question the expertise of their colleagues, creating doubt and attempting to position themselves as the most knowledgeable and competent.

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What Motivates a Victimizer to Behave This Way?
The Psychological and Situational Factors That Contribute to Their Behaviour
The motivations behind a Victimizer’s behaviour can be understood through a combination of psychological traits and situational factors:

Narcissism: Many Victimizers exhibit narcissistic traits, such as an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for constant admiration. They believe they are superior and entitled to special treatment, driving them to belittle others to maintain their self-image.
Machiavellianism: This trait involves a manipulative and deceitful approach to achieving one’s goals. Victimizers with Machiavellian tendencies are strategic in their actions, using cunning and deceit to undermine others and advance their own interests.
Psychopathy: Some Victimizers display psychopathic traits, such as a lack of empathy and impulsivity. They are often indifferent to the harm they cause and may even derive pleasure from the suffering of others.
Insecurity: Despite their outward confidence, many Victimizers are deeply insecure. Their need to attack and belittle others stems from a fear of being exposed as inadequate or unimportant.
Power Dynamics: Victimizers often thrive in environments with unclear, new, or different style leadership. They exploit gaps in authority to exert control and dominate their colleagues.
Past Experiences: Personal history and past experiences, such as previous workplace conflicts or personal traumas, can also shape a Victimizer’s behaviour. They may have developed toxic coping mechanisms to deal with their own unresolved issues.
Desire for Recognition: The pseudo-expert trait is driven by a need for recognition and validation. Victimizer s often feel threatened by others’ expertise and use their own perceived knowledge to assert dominance and undermine their colleagues, ensuring they are seen as indispensable.
Understanding these motivations can help in developing strategies to meet the needs, address the behaviours, and mitigate the impact of Victimizer in the workplace, fostering a healthier and more supportive environment for all employees.

How These Characteristics Impact the Work Environment
The presence of a Victimizer in the workplace can have severe negative effects on the overall culture:

Decreased Morale: Their constant criticism and undermining behaviour lower the morale of their colleagues, leading to a disengaged and demotivated workforce.
Increased Stress: Colleagues live in a state of heightened anxiety, always anticipating the next attack or humiliation.
Reduced Collaboration: Fear of being backstabbed or embarrassed leads to a breakdown in teamwork and communication.
Lower Productivity: The constant stress and lack of support result in decreased productivity and higher absenteeism.
High Turnover: The toxic environment created by a Victimizer can drive talented employees to leave, seeking healthier workplaces.
Constant Clashes: As team members become fed up with the Victimizer’s tactics, they may challenge the victimizer’s expertise, knowledge, and behaviour, leading to frequent conflicts and a divisive atmosphere.

Proactive Steps to Protect Yourself from a Victimizer in the Workplace
Dealing with a Victimizer in the workplace requires a strategic approach to minimize their impact and foster a more positive environment. Here are specific strategies

Establish Clear Boundaries
Define Limits: Clearly communicate what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. This helps manage the Victimizer’s attempts to control or dominate interactions.
Consistent Enforcement: Enforce boundaries consistently to ensure the Victimizer understands that certain behaviours will not be tolerated.
Stay Emotionally Detached
Maintain Professionalism: Keep emotions in check during interactions. Reacting emotionally can give the Victimizer more power and control over the situation.
Focus on Facts: Stick to factual information and avoid personal attacks, which can escalate conflicts.
Seek Support from Leadership
Involve Management: If the Victimizer’s behaviour persists, involve higher management or HR. Provide documented evidence of their behaviour to support your case.
Formal Complaints: Use formal channels to address the Victimizer’s behaviour, ensuring that the organization takes the necessary steps to resolve the issue.
Develop Resilience
Stress Management: Practice stress management techniques such as mindfulness, exercise, and adequate rest to maintain personal well-being.
Professional Development: Strengthen your skills and expertise to build confidence and reduce the impact of the Victimizer’s attempts to undermine you.
Encourage Positive Behaviour
Positive Reinforcement: Reinforce positive behaviours exhibited by the Victimizer, which can encourage more constructive interactions.
Collaborative Goals: Involve the Victimizer in collaborative projects where their success is tied to the team’s success, fostering a sense of shared responsibility.
Utilize Mediation and Conflict Resolution
Third-Party Mediation: Engage a neutral third party to mediate conflicts. This can help manage the Victimizer’s behaviour in a controlled and impartial setting.
Conflict Resolution Training: Provide training for the team on conflict resolution techniques to better handle interactions with the Victimizer.
Promote a Positive Work Culture
Team Building Activities: Organize team-building activities to strengthen relationships and reduce the Victimizer’s influence.
Open Communication Channels: Encourage open communication and feedback within the team to create a supportive environment where issues can be addressed promptly.
Communicate First – Before They Have a Chance to Question
Proactively Share Information: Keep the Victimizer and the rest of the team updated on your progress and any potential issues before they arise. This reduces the chances of being blindsided by their “gotcha” moments.
Set the Agenda: Take the initiative in meetings by setting the agenda or leading discussions. This positions you as a proactive communicator and reduces their opportunities to catch you off guard.
Bring Problems Out into the Open
Transparent Communication: Address issues openly and directly in team meetings. By bringing problems to light, you reduce the Victimizer’s ability to manipulate situations behind the scenes.
Encourage Group Discussions: Promote a culture of open dialogue where team members feel safe discussing challenges and seeking solutions collaboratively.
Be Prepared to Answer Questions
Anticipate Questions: Think ahead about potential questions or criticisms the Victimizer might raise and prepare thorough responses. This reduces their ability to embarrass you or undermine your expertise.
Document Your Work: Keep detailed records and documentation of your work and decisions. This not only helps you answer questions confidently but also provides evidence to counter any false claims.
Run Interference for Others
Support Colleagues: Stand up for your colleagues if they are being targeted. Offer support and reinforce their points in meetings. A united front can diminish the Victimizer’s power.
Create Alliances: Build strong relationships with your coworkers. A supportive network can help diffuse the Victimizer’s influence and provide mutual protection.
Recognize Their Contributions as Well as Those Around Them
Acknowledge Contributions: Publicly recognize the Victimizer’s contributions to the team. This can help manage their need for recognition and potentially reduce their need to undermine others.
Promote Team Achievements: Regularly highlight and celebrate the achievements of the entire team. This fosters a positive environment and reduces the focus on individual competition.
Get at Hidden Problems Through Surveys, Suggestion Boxes, Etc.
Anonymous Feedback: Implement anonymous surveys or suggestion boxes to uncover issues that may not be openly discussed. This can help identify and address problems caused by the Victimizer without direct confrontation.
Regular Check-ins: Conduct regular one-on-one check-ins with team members to gather feedback and address concerns. This proactive approach can help manage issues before they escalate.
Get Them to Want to Mentor – They Push for Excellence
Leverage Their Expertise: Encourage the Victimizer to take on a mentorship role. This can channel their need for recognition and control into a more constructive outlet, benefiting the team.

Creating a Workplace Environment That Discourages Victimizer Behaviour
Fostering a workplace environment that discourages victimizer behaviour requires a strategic approach centered around company culture and values. Here are several suggestions to achieve this:

Establish Clear Values and Code of Conduct:
Define Expectations: Clearly outline expected behaviours in the workplace, emphasizing respect, collaboration, and professionalism.
Communicate Consistently: Ensure that these values are communicated regularly through orientation sessions, employee handbooks, and internal communications.
Reward Positive Behaviour: Recognize and reward employees who demonstrate respectful and supportive behaviours towards their colleagues.
Establish Clear Reporting Procedures:
Accessible Channels: Ensure employees know how and where to report incidents of bullying, harassment, or victimizer behaviour.
Zero-Tolerance Policy: Implement and enforce a zero-tolerance policy for behaviours that undermine the company’s values, with clear consequences for violations.
Encourage Team Collaboration and Support:
Team Building Activities: Organize team-building exercises and collaborative projects to foster positive relationships among employees.
Peer Support Networks: Facilitate the creation of peer support networks where employees can seek advice and assistance from their colleagues.
Monitor and Address Warning Signs:
Proactive Observation: Train managers to recognize early signs of victimizer behaviour, such as isolation, micromanagement, or undermining others.
Intervene Early: Address concerning behaviours promptly through coaching, mediation, or disciplinary actions as necessary.

By prioritizing these strategies, organizations can cultivate a workplace environment where respect, collaboration, and mutual support are not only valued but actively practiced. This proactive approach helps to deter victimizer behaviour and fosters a more positive and productive workplace for all employees.

Building a Healthier Workplace Environment
Navigating the challenges posed by a Victimizer in the workplace is no easy feat. As illustrated in the scenarios of Susan and Jake, these individuals can disrupt meetings, undermine colleagues, and create a pervasive atmosphere of fear and uncertainty. Their tactics, from unexpected “gotcha” moments to relentless undermining, take a toll on morale, productivity, and overall well-being.

Dealing with a Victimizer is about not only protecting oneself but also cultivating an environment where toxic behaviours find no fertile ground to thrive. It requires a multifaceted approach that includes establishing clear boundaries, seeking support from leadership, and fostering a culture of respect and collaboration. Clear values and consistent enforcement, coupled with proactive monitoring and support systems, are crucial in maintaining a healthy work environment where everyone can thrive.

While the strategies to mitigating Victimizer behaviour may be challenging and frustrating, it is worth undertaking. By collectively committing to these strategies, organizations can create workplaces where respect, professionalism, and mutual support dominate—a place where individuals are valued not for their ability to tear down others, but for their capacity to uplift and inspire. It is about building workplaces where every voice is heard, every contribution is recognized, and every employee can thrive.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Gaslighting in the Workplace: Recognizing and Addressing Psychological Manipulation

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Gaslighting In Action
As leaders and HR professionals, it is your duty to create a positive and productive work environment. One significant but often overlooked threat to workplace harmony is gaslighting. This psychological manipulation tactic can erode trust, undermine confidence, and damage mental health. Understanding gaslighting and how to address it is crucial in fostering a healthy work culture.

Consider this scenario: Sarah, a project manager, consistently receives contradictory instructions from her supervisor, Mike. When she seeks clarification, Mike denies ever giving the previous instructions and criticizes her for not paying attention. Over time, Sarah begins to doubt her memory and competence. Mike’s repeated denials and criticisms erode her confidence, making her more dependent on him for guidance and less likely to question his authority.

Defining Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originates from the 1938 play “Gaslight,” in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is losing her mind to cover up his criminal activities. In a workplace context, gaslighting can lead to employees doubting their abilities and experiences, ultimately affecting their performance and well-being.

Reasons Behind Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often employed by individuals for various underlying reasons. Understanding why a person gaslights can help in addressing the behaviour and mitigating its impact. Here are some common motivations behind gaslighting:

Power and Control
Reason: Gaslighters seek to dominate and exert control over others. By causing their victims to doubt their own perceptions and judgment, they can manipulate situations to their advantage.
Avoidance of Responsibility
Reason: Gaslighters often use this tactic to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It can shift focus away from their own misdeeds and place the blame on the victim, protecting themselves from accountability.
Projection of Insecurities
Reason: Gaslighters may project their own insecurities, fears, or flaws onto others thus maintaining a façade of competence or superiority.
Manipulation for Personal Gain
Reason: Gaslighting can be a strategic move to achieve specific goals, such as career advancement, financial gain, or social standing. By undermining the confidence and credibility of others, gaslighters can create opportunities for themselves to advance or gain favor, often at the expense of their victims.
Emotional or Psychological Issues
Reason: Some gaslighters may have underlying psychological or emotional issues, such as narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathic tendencies. These individuals may lack empathy and use manipulation as a means to fulfill their emotional needs or to validate their self-worth.
Learned Behaviour
Reason: Gaslighting can be a learned behaviour from past experiences or relationships. Individuals who have witnessed or been subjected to manipulative behaviour may adopt similar tactics as a way to cope or exert influence in their own relationships.
Understanding these motivations can help leaders and HR professionals recognize the signs of gaslighting and take appropriate actions to address and mitigate its effects in the workplace.

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How Gaslighting Manifests in the Workplace
Gaslighting can manifest in various ways in the workplace, including:

Denying Events: Supervisors or colleagues may deny that specific conversations or events took place, despite evidence or witnesses.
Misleading Information: Providing false information or distorting the truth to make the victim doubt their memory or judgment.
Undermining Confidence: Constantly belittling or dismissing the victim’s ideas, contributions, or achievements.
Manipulative Behaviours: Withholding important information, giving contradictory instructions, or isolating the victim.
Projecting Blame: Accusing the victim of mistakes or failures that were not their fault.

Common Gaslighting Phrases
Gaslighters use specific phrases to sow doubt and confusion. Recognizing these phrases can help identify gaslighting behaviour:

“You’re too sensitive.” Minimizing the victim’s feelings to make them feel irrational or overly emotional.
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.” Deflecting responsibility and blaming the victim for their feelings.
“You should have known how I would react.” Shifting blame onto the victim for the abuser’s behaviour.
“You’re acting crazy — and other people think so, too.” Manipulating the victim into questioning their sanity and isolating them from others.
“How could you think that is what I meant – no one else thought that?” Denying the intent and isolating the victim by suggesting that others share the gaslighter’s view, making the victim feel alone and unsupported.
“That never happened.” Denying abusive actions or words to make the victim question their memory.
“You have a terrible memory.” Making the victim doubt their recollection of events.
“You’re imagining things.” This phrase is used to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and to suggest that their experiences or concerns are not real.
“It’s your fault that this happened.” Shifting blame onto the victim to avoid taking responsibility and to make them feel guilty or responsible for negative outcomes.
“You’re overreacting.” Minimizing the victim’s feelings and reactions, suggesting that they are irrational or exaggerated.
“I never said that.” Accusing the victim of lying or fabricating events to make them question their own honesty and reality.
“You’re just being paranoid.” Dismissing the victim’s legitimate concerns by labeling them as irrational fears.
“Why are you always so negative?” Shifting focus from the issue at hand to the victim’s supposed negativity, making them feel bad for expressing their feelings.
“No one else would put up with you.” Undermining the victim’s self-worth by suggesting that they are unlikable or difficult, increasing their dependence on the abuser.
“You’re just trying to confuse me.” Turning the tables by accusing the victim of the very tactic the gaslighter is using, creating further confusion and doubt.

Strategies to Deal with Gaslighting
Dealing with gaslighting in the workplace requires a proactive and strategic approach. Here are five specific strategies and phrases to use:

Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of conversations, emails, and interactions. Documentation can help establish a clear timeline and provide evidence of gaslighting behaviour.
Example Phrase: “Let me take notes on our discussion so I can ensure I have everything correct.”
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted colleagues, mentors, or HR professionals. Sharing your experiences can provide validation and help you gain perspective.
Example Phrase: “Can we discuss a situation I’m experiencing? I value your opinion and need some guidance.”
Assert Your Reality: Firmly state your perspective without being confrontational. Reaffirming your reality can counteract the gaslighter’s manipulation.
Example Phrase: “I remember the conversation differently. Let’s review the details together.”
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and the consequences of violating them. Consistently enforcing boundaries can reduce the gaslighter’s control.
Example Phrase: “I’m not comfortable with how this conversation is going. Let’s take a break and revisit it later.”
Self-Care and Professional Help: Prioritize your mental health and seek professional support if needed. Therapy can provide coping strategies and reinforce your sense of reality.
Example Phrase: “I need to take some time to reflect on this. I’ll get back to you after I’ve had a chance to process.”

Here are four strategies that leaders can implement when dealing with an employee who utilizes gaslighting:

Address the Behaviour Directly
Strategy: Confront the gaslighter privately and clearly describe the problematic behaviour, providing specific examples.
Implementation: Use a calm and assertive tone, and focus on the behaviour rather than making personal attacks. Outline the impact of their actions on the team and the workplace.
Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences
Strategy: Establish firm boundaries and communicate the consequences of continued gaslighting behaviour.
Implementation: Implement a formal performance improvement plan (PIP) that includes specific behavioural expectations, regular check-ins, and potential disciplinary actions if the behaviour does not change.
Provide Training and Support
Strategy: Offer training on workplace ethics, communication, and emotional intelligence to promote a positive work environment and discourage manipulative behaviours.
Implementation: Arrange for workshops or seminars led by experts in workplace psychology and provide resources for employees to develop healthier communication skills.
Foster a Supportive Work Environment
Strategy: Create an open and supportive culture where employees feel safe to report gaslighting and other forms of abuse without fear of retaliation.
Implementation: Implement an anonymous reporting system, encourage regular feedback, and ensure that HR is actively involved in addressing and resolving conflicts. Promote team-building activities and open communication to strengthen trust among employees.

By implementing these strategies, leaders can effectively address gaslighting behaviour, protect their employees, and maintain a healthy and productive work environment.

Gaslighting is a destructive behaviour that can have severe implications in the workplace. By understanding its manifestations, recognizing common phrases, and employing specific strategies to address it, you can create a safer, more supportive work environment. Leaders must remain vigilant and proactive in identifying and addressing gaslighting. Empowering employees to speak up and providing a robust support system can significantly mitigate the impact of this harmful behaviour. Ultimately, fostering a transparent and respectful workplace culture not only enhances productivity but also ensures the mental and emotional well-being of all employees.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Words Hurt: Emotional Abuse and Stress

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Words Hurt
“You can’t do anything right”. “This is your fault – It’s always your fault”.

Understanding Emotional Abuse and Stress
Emotional Abuse is the tearing down of another human being and it can be the result of inappropriately handling one’s emotions, the excessive need to control others and the situations around them, or it can be learned from those who have had influence on the person such as parents, coaches or supervisors.

Those who are emotionally abusive, are just as dangerous as those who are physically abusive.

Various Types of Emotional Abuse:
1. Rejecting – worthlessness and undermining self-esteem, criticizing, humiliating, blaming, ridiculing

2. Ignoring – detachment, withholds affection, indifferent

3. Terrorizing – threatening to punish or take away possessions, pets, or other family members

4. Isolating – jealousy, restricting access to people or money, secluding from outside world

5. Corrupting – exposes or puts into inappropriate situations

Emotional abuse is a very serious and often hidden problem. The scars, though not visible, can run very deep. Beverly Beuermann-King

Many of us have grown up, been in a relationship with, worked for, or even been coached by, someone who was emotionally abusive. It is often seen as a normal part of the culture of the organization and tolerated. We see this in elite sports…that coach who thinks he gets the best from his players by belittling them, pitting them against each other, and blaming them for the losses. We see this in the workplace…CEO’s who yell obscenities at their workers, who demand unquestionable obedience, or who pit teams against each other. We see this in the home…where a partner isolates, belittles and ignores.

Emotional Abuse can lead to many emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural issues. It can impact social development, future success, and relationships outside of the abusive relationship.

General Impact Of Emotional Abuse:
Low self-esteem and confidence
Unable to make decisions
Lack of interest in life
Isolation
Sleep problems
Illness
Substance use
Depression
Emotional Abuse and Children
Patterns Of Behaviour:
In children, emotional abuse can be seen as a pattern of behaviour that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. (National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse) In children, you may specifically notice signs such as the development of rocking, sucking or biting one’s self, being inappropriately aggressive, speech problems, tantrums, excessive anxiety and fears, and an inability to relate to others. The child may make self-hate statements, and/or be shy and overly compliant.

The existence of one of these signs may not indicate emotional abuse, however, several of these over a period of time should not be ignored and should be investigated and explored further.

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What Can Be Done About Emotional Abuse?
People who are the target of emotional abuse are made to feel insignificant and incapable. They may actually begin to feel that they have brought this on themselves and that it really is their fault. Often, having an advocate or a person that they can confide in, can help them to see the abuse is not their fault and to reach out for support to deal with the abuse that they are facing. Many organizations and workplaces now have policies and guidelines on how to handle bullying and harassment situations, including how these situations need to be documented, reported, investigated, and rectified.

Here are some general suggestions to deal with an abusive situation.

As The Recipient:
1. Take precautions – look for the signs of excessive jealousy and control

2. Don’t blame yourself for the way other person is treating you

3. Believe in yourself – believe that you deserve to be treated with respect

4. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable than this is probably not a healthy relationship

5. Talk to someone – find someone you can trust – a family member, friend, co-worker, EAP, supervisor, spiritual leader, community advisor or health professional. Call the Distress Centre and they can help make the appropriate referral. These resources can help you to examine all of your options so that you can decide what is best for you.

What To Do If You Feel You Are Becoming Abusive:
1. Recognize the types and strength of the various feelings related to numerous situations

2. Develop a realistic attitude about what you and those around you can achieve

3. Be respectful of other’s ideas, opinions and talents

4. Find alternative ways to express difficult emotions

5. Get help – find a counselor, therapist or a doctor that can assist you in examining why you attack and tear the other person down and help you to take personal responsibility for the steps needed to change your reactions.

Words DO Hurt
The childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” may have some truth to it. But continual emotional abuse does hurt. It can affect the development and the self-esteem of the individual and it may ripple out to affect those around the person who is being attacked. Emotional abuse is serious but help is available – both to the one being abused and to the person being the abuser. Recognition is the key.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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Having A Tough Day?
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering how to handle a difficult boss.

Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may make their reactions seem more difficult.

According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.

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How To Handle A Difficult Boss In These Stressful Situations
Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads?

Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.
To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through, but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Beverly Beuermann-King

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:

5 Quick Tips That Are Helpful In Handling A Difficult Boss:
1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’

3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours

Handling A Difficult Boss
Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Stop Letting Difficult People Ruin Your Day

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Do Difficult People Ruin Your Day?
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering if this is what your work has come to. You hear yourself describing how some difficult people ruin your day. If anyone else talked like that, would you wonder why that person continued to work where they do?

Why Are You Letting Difficult People Ruin An Otherwise Good Day?
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about that one difficult person to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters with difficult clients.

Why Are Some People So Difficult?
Why do some people see the cup as being half empty instead of half full? The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some people learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the people who enter our offices with complaints in hand and use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some people feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These clients may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For other clients, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Beverly Beuermann-King

The Stressful Impact Of Negative Attitudes
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-of-control.

The next thing you know, we ourselves complain, grow stubborn and more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Fraught with difficult people and negative attitudes, our work environment becomes a daily scene of excessive finger-pointing, backstabbing and gossiping, higher rates of absenteeism, lower productivity and decreased quality of customer service. We let these behaviours and these difficult people ruin our day.

Can We Stop Negative Attitudes And Difficult Behaviours From Rearing Their Ugly Heads In Our Workplace?
Unfortunately, the answer is no — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has worked for them before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours.

To do this, we must understand what people expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Tips To Stop Difficult Behaviours And Reduce The Stressful Impact of Negative Attitudes That We Encounter In Our Daily Affairs:
1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish. Staff should still be responsive to clients’ needs and concerns, rather than caught up in red tape and “by-the-book” procedures.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters.

3. Try and remember details about the person. Write them down and mention them the next time you’re chatting. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

More Tips For Dealing With Difficult People So That They Don’t Ruin Your Day…
4. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Ask clients if there is anything you can do to improve their visit – even when you don’t want to hear their answer.

5. Give clients as much information as you can. I was recently waiting in an emergency room with my son. When the doctor arrived and began her assessment, she received an emergency page and quickly left. I was very annoyed, as my son grew restless. A nurse came by and said that the doctor had to deliver a baby and would be back shortly. That information was all that I needed to hear to make me feel better about the situation.

6. Look at the procedures that the person has to work their way through. Are you keeping them waiting, but expecting them to be on time? Make a realistic schedule, but if you are running behind, leave a message even if they may have already left for their appointment. It shows that you respect them and regret causing them any inconvenience. Can you offer them an extra service or a small token of appreciation for their patience — before they become annoyed by the delay?

Ways To Reduce The Stressful Impact Of Difficult People
7. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, they may be just the things that clients remember. If you say you cater to families, does the environment of the office really convey that when clients with children walk in? There is nothing more stressful to a parent then to try and occupy a child in a confined space. Even being a few minutes behind schedule can upset the calmest of parents. To decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

8. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a ‘big production’.

9. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you (and not the client) who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

10. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

By understanding what people expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving.

We need to help people feel more in control, more important and listened to. Beverly Beuermann-King

When Dealing With Difficult People, It’s Important That You Take Care Of Yourself
And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes. And if you find yourself saying that what I am recommending will never work – well then, it may be time for you to reflect upon the negative vibes that you may be sending out.

Contact Beverly about hosting a workshop for your team in dealing with negative attitudes and difficult people. Learn to nail down strategies to encourage a collaborative and productive working environment!
If you have some strategies to share – comment on this posting!

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

5 Tips For Communicating Effectively When Being Confronted In A Meeting

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When confronted in a meeting, it can be challenging to maintain a productive and professional demeanour or to effectively communicate in a way that moves the conversation forward. To navigate such situations effectively, consider these five tips:

1. Stay Calm and Composed:
o Take a deep breath and maintain your composure. Responding with calmness helps keep the conversation productive and prevents escalation. Avoid raising your voice or showing signs of frustration or anger.
2. Listen Actively:
o Pay full attention to the speaker. Show that you are listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal acknowledgments like “I understand” or “I see.” This demonstrates respect and helps you understand their perspective.
3. Acknowledge Their Point of View:
o Even if you disagree, recognize the other person’s feelings or concerns. Use phrases like “I understand that you feel…” or “I can see why you might think…” to validate their perspective without necessarily agreeing with it.
4. Respond Thoughtfully:
o Take a moment to think before responding. Structure your response clearly and concisely. Focus on the issue at hand rather than getting personal. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel,” “I think”) to express your viewpoint without sounding accusatory.
5. Seek Common Ground:
o Aim to find a resolution or a compromise. Ask open-ended questions to explore solutions and show willingness to collaborate. For instance, “How do you think we can address this?” or “What would be a good way to move forward?”
Using these strategies can help ensure that the confrontation is handled professionally and constructively, leading to a more positive outcome.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive. Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

Article By: Dr. Rhonda Savage
As Appeared on https://www.amanet.org

How to Keep Calm in Stressful Situations

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Warren has a habit of overreacting to situations. He goes from zero to 60 in two seconds. Instead of ignoring this sudden outburst and giving him a few seconds to realize he overreacted to the situation, I am often guilty of telling him to “calm down.” For the record, that is NEVER the right thing to say to someone.

Instead, I should reinforce the skills on how to stay calm in a stressful situation for him and me. A few moments of silence are helpful for us both (allowing us to calm down) too. Maybe Warren can learn not to overreact, I can learn not to overreact by telling him to calm down immediately, and perhaps we can have fewer arguments about it too .

It’s really easy to say, calm down. It’s really hard to keep calm in the middle of a stressful situation. It’s just not easy to do. Telling someone to calm down does not help them calm down.

So, I have a few tips on how you can remain calm as much as possible in stressful situations. Maybe those are highly emotional times when you’re at a wedding or a funeral. Perhaps those are highly stressful times when someone is yelling at you at work, or you’re losing your job, or you have a different opinion on a situation. Maybe there are stressful times when you have to make those tough decisions that are never easy to make. Regardless of what the situation is, we need to be able to stay as calm as completely possible.

1. Take a deep breath. When Warren overreacts, I need to take the time to take a calming, deep breath before I tell him to calm down. I’m overreacting the very same way he is, only for a different reason. If I slow my reactions down and take a deep breath, I’m willing to bet that I won’t tell him to calm down.

When we take a deep breath, we trigger the body to stop releasing stress hormones and begin the relaxation response. The 4-7-8 breathing technique works well to calm me down quickly.

– Take a deep, slow breath from your stomach, and count to four as you
take the breath
– Hold your breath for a count of seven
– Release your breath as you count to eight. Get all the air out of your lungs
– Repeat until you feel calm

If Warren and I are in traffic and he yells at the car in front of him, I can spend at least the next 20 seconds (that is just one round of deep breathing, and I typically need a few to calm myself down) taking only one deep breath instead of yelling at him to calm down. That allows me to pause the situation, enable him to calm himself, and avoid an argument because we are both overreacting.

2. Wiggle your toes. I know this sounds insane. Do it right now. When you concentrate on wiggling your toes, you cannot focus on anything else because you cannot wiggle your toes subconsciously. When you are focused on the wiggling, you aren’t focused on what has caused you to overreact.

I use this trick in emotional situations where I’m trying not to cry (weddings, funerals). It doesn’t stop the tears, but it does stop the ugly cry. It keeps me focused on something else, which allows me to avoid overreacting. It helps me calm down (and giggle a bit too).

3. Stand if you can. Clearly, that isn’t always an option (for example, when you are in the car), nor is it always suggested.

If you’re having a very heart-to-heart conversation with your boss and you stand up in the middle of the conversation, it’s going to look very aggressive, so don’t stand up. However, if you’re on the telephone and you’re having a critical conversation with one of your kids or with a family member, you can stand up. They can’t hear that you’ve stood up, and it will allow you to remain calm.

Standing up delivers full oxygen flow through your body. You want the oxygen to go from your brain down to your toes. It also allows you to feel more in control of the situation.

4. Find something to agree on. This morning Warren’s computer wasn’t allowing him to send emails. Understandably, he was frustrated and expressing his frustration verbally. I was writing this article, so it was top of mind to avoid telling him to calm down (which I’m sure he appreciated). Instead, I said, “Yuck. That is the last thing you need today. I hate when email does that.”

I didn’t argue back, nor did I tell him to relax as it isn’t a big deal. I didn’t jump in and give him ten things to check immediately. I showed some compassion and agreed with him that his situation was frustrating. I validated his frustration. I didn’t speak condescendingly because I completely agreed that it is frustrating when email doesn’t work the way we expect. Suppose the situation was different, and Warren complained about the snow flurries later this week, and I had responded about how annoying it is that it snows in Canada. In that case, I agree with his complaint but I’m being condescending in my comments. That isn’t helpful.

5. Focus on the situation, not the person. The last thing that Warren needs to hear is, “You always overreact. Look at what you are doing now, yelling at a stranger, and they can’t even hear you.” He doesn’t need to be told to calm down, and he doesn’t need to be told the problem is “him.”

Instead, focus on the other person’s behavior, or the specifics about the situation, and not on the person over reacting.

Staying calm takes work. It is work not to overreact, and it is work to avoid telling others to calm down. Stressful situations happen. Staying calm is up to you.

             

This article was written by Rhonda and not by AI.

 


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

Controlling Reactions

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 I’m sitting on an airplane, my first in 18 months, and we are an hour past departure time, and we are back at the gate with a maintenance issue.

I was excited to get on an airplane again. I usually fly a few days a week, and flying is part of my identity really. I joke that the staff at Air Canada recognizes me when I board (the truth is that many times they do). My spirits and confidence were high. Everyone was following protocols, and everyone seemed happy.

We sat on the tarmac for 30 minutes before announcing that we were returning to the gate to get the maintenance issue looked at.

And then the moaning began.

The happy travelers (most of them were clearly traveling for fun and not business) instantly turned negative. They started accusing Air Canada of doing this on purpose (which makes zero logical sense). They reminisced about previously missed connections. The group surrounding me jumped right into stinkin’ thinkin’.

Do you jump to stinkin’ thinkin’ and travel down the path of negativity?

It made my skin crawl. I hate that kind of thinking. I find that people don’t think logically when they move to reactions. They want to find blame and fault. They immediately jump to worst-case scenarios and refuse even to entertain things might just be fine.

I did initially react too. As we were waiting to take off (before being sent back to the gate), I remembered that I really disliked the “hurry up and wait” feeling I get when I travel.

I also have trained myself to quickly recognize when I’m going down the path of negativity due to reactions and quickly turn it around to a response.

Reactions happen automatically. They may be negative initially as you look at the potential consequences that you could face.

Responses are a choice. I choose not to focus on the negativity and instead take charge of the situation as much as it allows me to. I change my perspective to be realistic and slightly optimistic instead of negative. I don’t want to go down the path of thinking things always happen to me or that companies are deliberately trying to ruin my day (we know they really aren’t, and Air Canada does not benefit from having flight issues.) My choice is to control the situation as much as possible and not get into the blame or fault game.

Reactions happen automatically. Responses are a choice.

As the negativity started passing around the cabin, I checked my connection time and realized that I had lots of time. I also thought about what would happen if I missed my connection and my options (there are always options. They may not be great, but there are always options). My keynote is in the morning, but if I cannot get to Chicago overnight (it is too far to drive), they could probably put another speaker earlier, and I can deliver my keynote when I get there. I will absolutely make it tomorrow (but very likely tonight). I didn’t focus on the “what ifs…” that cause thinking to be negative.

The trick is to recognize the difference between your initial reaction and your chosen response.

When you see that reaction, quickly change gears, and choose the response you want instead. This doesn’t mean you are unrealistic or have your head in the clouds; it means you control how you handle situations. You are choosing to be rational and not irrational.

The person in front of you is driving too slow? Don’t yell and curse (reaction), but instead take a deep breath and think about why they are driving slow and why you are in so much of a rush (response).

Your executive wants you to take minutes at a meeting after hours? Don’t assume they are trying to get you to work for free and not offering overtime or time off in lieu (reaction), but instead prepare to ask for some type of compensation or choose to give your time willingly, knowing that it will eventually work out to be fair (response).

Your co-worker books Christmas vacation again, meaning that yet again, you can’t get vacation time over the holidays? Don’t react and assume they are doing it on purpose just so you don’t get a vacation, but instead prepare an uncomfortable conversation about sharing the time from year to year or focus on the fact that you get a week off in the summer each year that doesn’t conflict with their requests.

It won’t always be easy to do, but it will always leave you feeling better about the situation.

I’m still at the gate waiting to find out if we are cleared for take-off in the near future. I’m not panicking; I’m not getting down in the dumps of stinkin’ thinkin’ but instead focused on my response and not my reaction.

             

This article was written by Rhonda and not by AI.

 


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

How To Deal With Explosive Anger

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I was on a mini vacation with my mom, and we were golfing on a beautiful Saturday with my Uncle Ron and my cousin Debbie. My uncle is an average golfer. Some days he plays very well, and other days he isn’t so lucky.

Saturday was one of the best days he ever had on the golf course, and he was hitting the ball for miles (and he had a big grin on his face to show his pleasure with it too). It was turning out to be a great day.

Until the 4th hole.

Uncle Ron stepped up to the tee box and shot a drive that looked like Bubba Watson got a hold of it. Probably the best drive of his life. Perfectly straight, almost on the green (it was a par 4). And, about 50 yards past the group of golfers in front of us.

For those of you that are golfers, you realize that he just made a major gaff. You should never hit up to the golfers in front you, let alone past them. Someone could get seriously hurt by doing that.

Uncle Ron was 100% at fault and immediately felt terrible for this amazing shot. Terrible for what could have happened. Fortunately, he didn’t hit anyone (he was well over their heads actually).

One of the group in front of us was very upset by this (rightfully so) and hopped in his golf cart, and came racing back to us.

When he got to us before he said anything my uncle Ron started to apologize. He took full responsibility and was very good about his apology.

This wasn’t good enough for Mr. Golfer. He screamed and yelled. Uncle Ron said “I apologize” about four more times and then stopped talking. Clearly, nothing he said was getting through to Mr. Golfer.

Then, he threatened all of us. Seriously. Now it is pretty hard to back down from a physical threat that was uncalled for. I gave my uncle credit though. Although he clarified “Are you threatening me?” he didn’t take the bait and didn’t get into it with Mr. Golfer. Clearly, he knew that this was a recipe for danger.

When we stopped responding, and he finished screaming, he got in his cart and started to drive away. On his final look at my cousin Debbie, he wagged his finger and told her “Not to be smiling at all about this!” She had a look of “holy cow!” on her face that was not a smile.

So, what would you have done in that situation?

I am guessing it was very difficult for my uncle not to defend himself (or us) as we were being threatened. It was very difficult not to yell back “I’ve said I’m sorry four times – what else do you want me to do?” It was very difficult not to get baited.

But it was the right thing to do. Yes, being threatened is wayway out of line. But the only way to make this guy go away was to stop talking. What would have been accomplished by arguing with him? Potential danger for sure.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

Bad News: Workplace Bullying Exists Good News: We Can All Do Something

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By Bonnie Low-Kramen | August 18, 2020

Enough is enough, isn’t it? Today’s virtual workplace demands are pressured enough without additional angst caused by managers and staffers acting out their stress in the form of yelling, public humiliation, sexual harassment over Zoom, and nastygram emails.

This is about respect. And it is about disrespect. Workplace bullying simply cannot exist is a climate of respect. It only thrives in the poisonous air of a disrespectful culture.

In the pre-pandemic world, workplace bullying was a global epidemic. It still is. It just looks a little different now.

True examples of how to chase good people away –
• “Linda, you really should wear your hair down like you used to. And you should smile more. Looks like you have gained a little weight working at home.” Said to an assistant by a manager on Zoom

• “What makes you think we want your opinions? I don’t pay you to think. Just do what I tell you to do from now on.” Email from a manager to a staffer

• “Some leaders think you meddle too much in their work.” Written in a performance review. When asked for a specific example of “meddling,” the manager would not give one.

• An assistant made the mistake of not putting herself on “mute” on a conference call and was overheard complaining about a client. Fortunately, the client found it funny and of course, the assistant apologized. The assistant’s manager called a meeting later in the day and angrily called it a “moronic mistake that better not happen again.”

What we know is that stress and anxiety can bring out the worst in humans. However, the data shows that the most effective way to retain staff is to treat them with respect and dignity. The opposite is 100% true.

None of us thought that what started in March would still be so formidable in August, but here we are. Stress and worry abound about money and paying mortgage, rent, and medical bills, evictions, and businesses being in serious danger of closing. We have our kids trying to get an education, not to mention people getting sick every day. And it looks like this is our reality for a while, right?

This situation is still no excuse for disrespectful, passive/aggressive, and bad behaviors because everyone is under stress. We have no idea what some people are wrestling with every day. No one is exempt. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a reset.

So, what is a target to do? Silence is not the answer. Having a manager or a peer who talks down to you can create a miserable workplace and relationship, even if they are virtual. As an employee, you have options for dealing with such a situation, ranging from finding coping techniques to deal with the behaviors, confronting the bully directly, or documenting offensive behavior and taking your case to HR or your executive themselves.

The bottom line is that these issues can preoccupy us and stop us dead in our tracks in a paralysis of sorts. Bullying causes physical and emotional stress and creates an extremely toxic work environment. Let’s take a look at why we get caught in the workplace bullying cycle and examine some ways to break the cycle. Read More https://www.bonnielowkramen.com/2020/08/17/this-far-and-no-further-what-to-do-about-virtual-workplace-bullying/

10 Tips for Dealing With Difficult People at Work You Can Learn to Deal With Difficult People: Use These 10 Tips

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BY

SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD

Full Bio 

Susan Heathfield is an HR and management consultant with an MS degree. She has covered HR for The Balance Careers since 2000.

In every workplace, you will have difficult coworkers. Dealing with difficult coworkers, bosses, customers, clients, and friends is a skill worth perfecting. Dealing with difficult situations at work is challenging, yet rewarding.

You can vastly improve your own work environment and morale when you increase your ability to deal with the people at work. You also make your workplace a better environment for all employees when you address the problems that a difficult coworker is causing for the team.

Fortunately, in most workplaces, you spend the majority of your days dealing with the normal, everyday people in the office. But, in the event that a coworker is a difficult person, you’ll need additional skills in your interpersonal skills arsenal.

You can increase your skill in dealing with the difficult people who surround you in your work world. These tips will help you.

 

Dealing With Difficult People at Work

Man holding 2 fists apart
Enis Aksoy/Getty Images

Difficult people are found in every single workplace. Difficult people come in every variety that you can imagine. But, how difficult a person is for you to deal with depends a lot on such factors as your self-esteem, your self-confidence, how closely you must work with them on a daily basis, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. You can team together to address the behavior or inform management and Human Resources staff to get help addressing the employee issue before it spirals into negativity.

Dealing with difficult people is much harder if the individual is publicly undermining your professional credibility, claiming credit for your contributions or attacking you personally like a bully.

 

The Bully

boss shouting at worker
vm/E+/Getty Images

Do you think that you work with a bully? You do if you regularly feel intimidated, dread to work anywhere near a particular coworker, and feel dismayed and upset about having to go to work. If you are yelled at, insulted, and put down, you work with a bully. If you have felt psychologically or physically threatened at work, you work with a bully.

Do you have a coworker who talks over you at meetings, who regularly criticizes your performance, and steals credit for your work? If you answer yes to these questions, then the chances are that you’re one of 54 million Americans who have been targeted by a bully at work.

 

Negative Coworker

Coworkers with aggressive hand gestures while holding digital tablet
RgStudio / Getty Images

Some coworkers wallow in their negativity. They don’t like their jobs, and they don’t like working for their company. They always have bad bosses who are jerks who always treat them unfairly. The company is always going to fail, and its customers are worthless and demanding.

You know these negative coworkers—every organization has a few. You can best deal with these negative coworkers by avoiding their presence at work. Find out more about dealing with negativity.

 

Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict

worker and customer talking
Tetra Images/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

Confronting a coworker is never easy, but it’s often needed if you want to stick up for your rights at work. Whether the confrontation is about sharing credit for work accomplished, coworker habits and approaches that are irritating or sloppy, intentional missed customer delivery deadlines, or about keeping a project on track, sometimes you need to confront your coworker.

Although confrontation should not be your first step, you can become better and more comfortable with the necessary conflict. These tips will help you feel more comfortable when you need to confront a coworker.

 

Develop Effective Work Relationships

team putting together a puzzle
Oli Kellett/Taxi/Getty Images

You can ruin both your job and your career by the relationships you develop with your coworkers at work. Your education, experience, or title don’t matter if you can’t play well with your coworkers. You won’t succeed in your career without forming positive relationships at work.

Effective relationships, with the boss and coworkers, create success and satisfaction on the job. Learn more about seven effective work relationship musts.

 

How to Hold a Difficult Conversation

workers going over an important document
Reza Estakhrian/Iconica/Getty Images

Have you encountered any of these examples of needing to deal with difficult people at work? They’re just examples of the types of behavior that cry out for responsible feedback from a coworker or boss. But, for most people, holding a difficult conversation about a sensitive topic is challenging at work.

These steps will help you hold difficult conversations when people need professional feedback provided professionally. Holding a difficult conversation can have positive outcomes when the conversation is approached properly; here’s how to attain them.

 

Tackle Annoying Employee Habits and Issues

boss talking down to worker
Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Have you worked with a coworker who had annoying habits such as loud gum chewing or bringing personal issues to the office every day? How about a coworker who had personal hygiene problems or exuded the smell of alcohol and coffee at work? You know what a problem and productivity downer these kinds of behavioral and personal issues can present in the workplace.

If you want to attain some happiness at work, you must address these issues. Do you need some help and ideas about how to hold a difficult conversation? Here’s how you can courageously address coworkers who have annoying habits in your workplace.

 

Dealing With Difficult Bosses

Woman demonstrates frustration and covers her ears
ONOKY – Eric Herchaft/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

Nothing is more destructive in the workplace than difficult bosses. Every employee has bosses who provide direction throughout their working careers. Hopefully, most of your bosses are competent, kind, and worthy of your trust and respect. They play such a significant role with the employees who report to them. Bosses can make or break an employee’s day.

Too often, employees have difficult bosses who have a negative impact on their desire to engage and contribute in the workplace.

 

Team Building With Coworkers

team meeting
Caiaimage/Sam Edwards/OJO+/Getty Images

You want to be well known and liked among the people the company regards as their superstars, allies who have power and will speak up for you. You can achieve job security if you are viewed as a superstar by your organization.

Building alliances at work is smart and effective behavior when you want to develop positive coworker relationships. These alliances are also crucial for dealing with difficult or destructive coworker behavior in the workplace. They are also crucial when you want your ideas to be implemented.

 

Manage Gossip

woman whispering to woman
Dr. Heinz Linke/E+/Getty Images

Gossip is rampant in most workplaces. It often seems that people have nothing better to do than gossip about each other. They gossip about their coworkers, their managers, and their company’s prospects for success. They frequently take a partially true fact and blow it all out of proportion to its importance or intended meaning.

Dealing with difficult situations involving gossip occurs in every workplace. Find out how dealing with difficult gossip is a must-do and a can-do. You can obliterate destructive gossip from your workplace.

Four ways to deal with a horrible boss

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Not everyone is lucky enough to work with a superstar CEO. When a direct report is being difficult, there are a number of strategies you can employ, says Michelle Gibbings.
From Gordon Gecko in Wall Street to Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, a bad boss story makes for a good movie. However, when you are working for one it’s not so much fun. A bad boss can make your working day feel like hell. At some stage in your career you will encounter someone who is less than ideal to work for.

Dealing with a bad boss is not about getting even, but getting savvy about how you manage it. Here’s four critical tips.

1 Understand what’s driving their behaviour
Seek to understand what’s driving their behaviour, and whether this behaviour is consistent or out of character. There’s a difference between a boss who is a good person, but in a stressful situation and not coping very well, and a boss who thrives on power, is a narcissist or a bully. Once you understand what’s driving the behaviour you can then work out the best approach to take.

For example, if they are stressed due to work pressures then find out if there are ways you can help them with their workload. This is a great opportunity to build a good relationship with your boss as they will see you as a person who helps them in times of need. It can also help to talk to them about the impact their behaviour is having on you.

This is a conversation that needs to be managed thoughtfully. Be prepared for it and pick the best time to have the conversation. If they are a narcissist, then it’s important to think long term.

2 Think long-term benefits
If the person constantly displays poor leadership behaviour, unfortunately you are not likely to change them. In this situation, think about the benefits you are gaining from the job (in terms of experience) and determine if it is worth sticking it out for a bit longer.

Reflecting on my career, there are times when I worked for people who were hard to work for, but the experience and benefits gained in the role made it worthwhile. That said, you need to set a timeframe in which to move on, as prolonged time in an unhealthy working environment isn’t good for your confidence and wellbeing.

3 Build your support crew
You want to have people around—both inside and outside the organisation—who will support and advocate for you. This will help set you up for your next job (which may be inside or outside the organisation), and help ensure you maintain a strong and healthy sense of self. Also, a strong internal support network can help to counter-balance the challenges of working for someone who is difficult.

4 Look after yourself first
Your health and well-being always need to come first. This means you need to:

Know your rights: if their behaviour is illegal (bullying or harassment) then seek advice on your next steps and counsel from people you trust to determine the best course of action
Know when to exit: if their behaviour is impacting your health and well-being then build your exit strategy
Manage the impact: put in place daily practices, such as exercise, meditation and reflection to manage your well-being
Dealing with a difficult boss isn’t something anyone looks forward to, but unfortunately at times it is an inevitable part of the working world. Stay true to who you are. Back yourself. Always take the higher ground. And remember, corporate karma often wins in the end.

 

THE EXPERT
Michelle Gibbings is a change leadership and career expert and founder of Change Meridian. Michelle works with global leaders and teams to help them get fit for the future of work. She is the Author of Step Up: How to Build Your Influence at Work and Career Leap: How to Reinvent and Liberate your Career.

Workplace bullying is more harmful than we realised

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New findings suggest being bullied at work won’t just affect you emotionally, but could also have serious consequences for your health.

In 2015, not long after Soma Ghosh, now 36, started a new job as a careers advisor, she began to dread every day at the office.

A colleague consistently criticised her performance, blamed her for others’ mistakes and humiliated her. The constant bullying soon took a toll. Ghosh developed anxiety and depression, but there were also effects on her physical health, including trouble sleeping; recurring cold and flu-like symptoms; the appearance of a lump in her armpit; and pains in her fingers, hands and shoulders caused by the pressure to work overlong hours without adequate breaks.

Researchers have long known about the adverse mental health effects of workplace bullying. But only recently – thanks to studies utilising the comprehensive public health records maintained in Scandinavian countries – have they begun to uncover findings that suggest that this bullying could have serious effects on physical health, too.

A heart-stopping danger

For a 2018 paper, a group led by Tianwei Xu of the University of Copenhagen analysed data from nearly 80,000 male and female employees in Sweden and Denmark. The researchers compared the participants’ reports at baseline of whether they’d been bullied at work in the previous year, and then looked to the health records to see whether they’d developed any cardiovascular illness over the next four years.

The more frequently participants said they were bullied, the greater their risk of developing cardiac problems

A clear pattern emerged from the data of both the men and women. The 8% to 13% of survey respondents who’d said they’d been bullied were 1.59 times more likely than the other volunteers to go on to develop a cardiac-related illness, such as heart disease or stroke. In other words, the incidence of heart-related problems was increased by 59% in the bullied compared with the non-bullied.

This remained true even after the researchers controlled for potentially confounding factors, such as body-mass index and smoking status. They also discovered a dose-response relationship: the more frequently participants said they were bullied, the greater their risk of developing cardiac problems.

Translating her findings population wide, Xu explains that if there is a causal link between bullying at work and heart disease, then “the removal of workplace bullying would mean we could avoid 5% of all cardiovascular cases”. Though the study design doesn’t prove this, it would be quite a prospect if true.

Research finds the incidence of cardiac-related illnesses drastically increases among those who have experience bullying (Credit: Getty Images)

The heart isn’t the only thing that might be affected by workplace bullying. In a similar study of participants in Sweden, Denmark and Finland, Xu’s researchers found that a recent history of being bullied at work was associated with a 1.46 times increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes over the ensuing decade.

It’s true that these observational epidemiological studies can’t outright prove that workplace bullying causes heart problems and diabetes. It’s possible, for example, that pre-existing mental health vulnerabilities increase a person’s risk of being bullied and their risk of developing physical health problems later on.

However, Xu and her colleagues believe there are plausible mechanisms that could explain how bullying leads directly to physical illness. These include chronically rising levels of stress hormones, and bullying victims adopting harmful coping behaviours, such as eating to excess or drinking too much alcohol. The researchers plan to explore these possibilities in future work.

A recent history of being bullied at work was associated with a 1.46 times increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes

For now, though, Xu says, “Employers should be aware of the adverse consequences to their employees from experiencing workplace bullying.” She advises bullying victims to “seek help as soon as possible”.

The role of the bystander

It’s not only for the good of the victim that employers create programmes and systems to stave off workplace bullying. Employees who witness bullying of other colleagues may experience adverse health effects, too.

Researchers from Sheffield University’s Institute of Work Psychology found that even without experiencing direct bullying themselves, staff who observed the behaviour endured future declines in their work-related wellbeing, including feeling more depressed. Earlier research by Singapore Management University had similarly concluded that the vicarious experience of incivility at work affects the mental health of bystanders, which in turn affects their physical health.

If a causal link can be properly established, the removal of workplace bullying could mean a 5% reduction in all cardiovascular cases.

Other research from Sheffield University also shows that merely witnessing bullying can harm employees who lack social support or who are pessimistic in nature. Professor Jeremy Dawson, co-author of the study, advises that if you’ve observed workplace bullying, you should first and foremost talk about it. “This may be with the victim (e.g. asking how they are doing), or others (which may be about forming a plan for how to address it, or may be just sharing experiences),” he writes. He also encourages employees report bullying in any way possible – through official channels, a line manager or another trusted colleague.

Employees who witness bullying of other colleagues may experience adverse health effects, too

Given the apparently wide-ranging and harmful effects of workplace bullying – for victims and bystanders alike – it’s more imperative than ever to create a collaborative culture in which bullying is taboo and stamped out before it takes root.

Soma Ghosh, who has since gone on to establish her own business as a career counsellor for women, says that employers should be doing more to protect their employees from workplace bullying, and that if she’d known about these research findings, she would have quit her job even earlier. She urges anyone who believes they are experiencing mental or physical health as a result of bullying to speak to someone, such as a GP or counsellor.

“It’s not something that will go away,” she warns.

Dr Christian Jarrett is a senior editor at Aeon magazine. His next book, about personality change, will be published in 2021.

By Christian Jarrett
6th January 2020

How to Manage a Stubborn, Defensive, or Defiant Employee

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Some of the hardest employees to manage are people who are consistently oppositional. They might actively debate or ignore feedback, refuse to follow instructions they disagree with or create a constant stream of negative comments about new initiatives. Most often, these behaviors are meant to make the employee look strong and mask a fear of change, an aversion to anticipated conflict, or they worry that they will look stupid or incompetent. I’ve found in my 30 years of consulting for both public and privately held companies, that there are three distinct approaches that can help you get the best from oppositional employees.

The first option is to adjust job responsibilities to leverage their strengths. One functional leader at a company I advised was known and appreciated for his technical expertise, but he was also an extreme micromanager and treated employees with disdain, leading to high turnover in his department. Whenever his manager or HR gave him feedback, he dismissed their input, because he felt that they didn’t understand what it took to succeed in his job.

It’s not uncommon for technical experts to struggle in management roles, and their resistance to feedback or support may be triggered when they realize they’re in over their heads but don’t want to be perceived as failing. One solution is to double down on their strengths and minimize their managerial responsibilities or give them a purely technical team. This worked for the functional leader, who, with a much smaller team of fellow experts to manage, ran into fewer obstacles and generated less unhappiness among his subordinates and superiors.

Another alternative is to temporarily overlook individual style while the person adjusts to their new circumstances. Some employees become oppositional when they feel insecure in a new role or with a significant change in their responsibilities. Rather than providing behavioral coaching on their negative or inappropriate communication, at least initially, it can be more effective to focus on the quality of their knowledge or output, and only work on stylistic problems once the employee feels more familiar with the changes and expectations.

I once worked with a nonprofit executive with deep institutional memory who was extremely sensitive to criticism, and became fearful and resistant whenever a change was necessary, especially when new requirements were presented to her as fiats. She was so concerned with not looking stupid, weak, or out-of-date, that she became excessively defensive and reactive. This was particularly problematic because her position involved supporting new leaders, who cycled in and out of the job every two to three years, and she had to form new relationships with each one. But her behavior wasn’t oppositional all the time: whenever she worked for a leader who showed respect for her skill and knowledge, she served with loyalty and tenacious effort. Showing appreciation for an employee’s knowledge and overlooking — for a time — their delivery can help build a positive connection you can then expand on.

Finally, it’s worth considering that they may be right. At one service firm where I consulted, a longtime department head expressed great negativity about the changes a succession of new bosses wanted to make. She began to change her attitude when one new leader paid attention to her complaints and took her challenges as clues that some of her “old ways” might still have merit. She became more willing to hear him out and to sign on to some of his new initiatives. Over time, he gave her more related responsibilities and opportunities to share her knowledge with other areas of the company. She continued to challenge some of his new directions but warmed up significantly as she saw that her subject matter expertise was being taken seriously.

On the other hand, know where to draw the line. At another client, a senior leader who was an external hire felt that his track record spoke for itself and that he didn’t need to adjust to his new company’s cultural norms. When he behaved in ways that were counter to norms around work/life balance and demonstrating respect for individual differences, he was chastised and counseled multiple times by a colleague from HR, but he assumed that his financial performance would protect him. In fact, he made it quite clear to colleagues that he didn’t have to “listen” to the feedback he was receiving. Despite the success of his work product, when too many employees complained that they felt denigrated and that he was damaging the organizational culture, the executive leadership got involved and he was let go.

Sometimes, the behavior of an oppositional employee is so damaging to their team or colleagues that the company cannot sustain it and must encourage them to move on. But in many cases, after understanding their concerns and motivations, organizations can provide effective support to oppositional employees through job redesign and relationship building. Then employees who were once seen as problems can bring their greatest strengths to bear on behalf of the organization, rather than against it.

Article By, Liz Kislik
As appeared on https://hbr.org/

Dealing with Difficult People

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In an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

Article By, Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP
As appeared on https://psychcentral.com/

Office Conflict Management and Difficult Conversations

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Firms have begun to recognize that leaders who avoid confrontation tend to put off difficult decisions and allow problems to fester, says Glaser.

In their book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Penguin Putnam, 2000), Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen offer advice on how to address conflicts in our personal and professional lives. They note that managers often fear giving honest feedback; as a result, they end up sugarcoating bad news or even avoiding performance evaluations altogether.

The Three Types of Difficult Conversations

To make the task of giving feedback and addressing conflict less daunting, Stone, Patton, and Heen break down difficult conversations into three separate conversations:

Difficult Conversation 1.

The “What happened?” conversation.

Your discussion of the substance of a conflict – what each party perceives got them to this point – should be aimed at separating impact from intention. If one employee complains that another employee demeaned him, it is important to find out the intention of the person who is being accused. We often jump to false conclusions about others’ intentions.

Difficult Conversation 2.

The “feelings” conversation.

Emotions play a strong role in conflicts. Wise business negotiators give disputants plenty of space to explain how they are feeling. You can do so effectively by engaging in active listening, which involves paraphrasing what the other person has said as accurately as possible, asking open-ended questions aimed at revealing the other person’s motivations and interests, and acknowledging the other person’s emotions and concerns.

Difficult Conversation 3.

The “identity” conversation. Our deepest concerns about our identity often can be found at the root of our conflicts of others. Such identity concerns include questions about whether we are competent, respected, and ethical. Consider whether the conflict might threaten how the disputants view themselves, then aim to help them maintain a positive self-image as you offer suggestions for improvement.

Honest and useful feedback can be just as difficult to accept as it is to deliver, write two of the authors of Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, in their new book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Portfolio Penguin, 2014).

Our own personal negotiation and dispute resolution “blind spots” – such as a bad temper or extreme sensitivity – can prevent us from being open to feedback and resolving conflict, according to Stone and Heen. To overcome our blind spots and move forward, we must consider the possibility that others have identified something about us that we ourselves cannot see. Ask for clarification and patience as you work on learning more about your blind spots and trying to do better at conflict management.

Article by, BY 
As Appeared on https://www.pon.harvard.edu/

Clarity Commands Respect

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Too often, when it comes to difficult conversations, we shy away from speaking our mind because we don’t have the tools to be skilful in sharing an opinion that is likely to be unpopular. As a result, we say nothing or tiptoe around the issue, leaving the other person clueless about what’s really going on for us.

We think we are doing the right thing by staying quiet or being indirect when, in fact, clarity commands respect.

I shared the idea that clarity commands respect in a talk I recently gave about how to manage difficult conversations. The context for this specific tenet was the topic of boundaries: how to set boundaries and how to respect them.

Setting boundaries starts with getting clear about what they are. It seems so obvious, right?

And yet, we rarely pause to ask ourselves what our boundaries are. That is, where the line between what we’re willing to do and what we’re not is, what behaviours – not just from others but also from ourselves – we’re willing to engage with or not.

Think checking your emails on the weekend, nodding your head during a meeting when you don’t actually agree, hearing a supposedly harmless sexist joke and saying nothing, taking on an extra project when you’re already struggling with your current workload. The list goes on.

Brené Brown says that “clear is kind”, a principle that goes hand in hand with “clarity commands respect”.

Because, and here’s the twist, it’s not just that clarity commands respect from others, it’s also that being clear with others is an act of respect towards them.

When we choose to avoid rather than to engage in difficult conversations, we are not just doing ourselves a disservice but also the other person.

Like that time you meant to tell your colleague that the way she assigns tasks to you doesn’t feel right because, after all, she’s not in charge. But you work with her day in and day out and creating tension between the two of you would not only make your life more difficult but also ultimately be counterproductive to the project you’ve been assigned together.

So you say nothing or you sugar coat it so much that the message doesn’t get through. The result? Nothing changes. Including the fact that your resentment continues to grow. And you sit there wondering how on earth she cannot know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

But the hard truth is that she cannot know because you haven’t told her.

She may not be aware that she’s crossed a line. In her mind, she’s helping out by taking charge. Meanwhile, because you’re harbouring resentment, you’re actually unintentionally damaging your relationship with her because you’ve said nothing rather than speak up.

It can feel daunting to engage in difficult conversations. It can be tempting to bury our head in the sand and choose avoidance instead.

Instead, next time you find yourself noticing that you’re not speaking up when you want to or that you’re being ambivalent and unclear, remember these words:

Clarity commands respect. And it does so in two ways:

1. Respect of your boundaries because you’ve made them clear and therefore people know where to stand.

2. Respect of others because you’re not putting them in a position where they’re supposed to read your mind to avoid damaging their relationship with you.

My invitation today is to shift your perspective on difficult conversations and experiment with seeing them as essential interactions to nurture and strengthen any relationship, especially the ones that matter the most

Article by, Julie Leitz

As appeared in https://www.schoolofconflict.com

Dealing with ‘difficult’ people at work

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We’ve all encountered ‘difficult’ people in the workplace. Whether it’s a boss, a colleague or a subordinate, it’s challenging working in close quarters with someone whose personality or approach to work doesn’t always gel with our own and who pushes our buttons.

You know who I’m talking about – the sort of person who rarely listens to others’ opinions but is always pushing their agenda, who doesn’t pitch in but still expects to get their own way, and who is loud, aggressive,discourteous or constantly negative.

The key to managing difficult personalities is to become familiar with common behaviours and personality types. Once you understand why people act in a certain way, you can better understand how to work with them. High performing organisations readily embrace a culture of giving and receiving feedback – after all, it can take a village to onboard and develop teams, and a gentle reminder of expected behaviour never goes astray. But ultimately, you can’t change others, only how you deal with them, which is vital to ensure a challenging colleague doesn’t impact how you feel about your job.

There are four common behaviours we see in the workplace:

1. Dominant-controlling

D-C personalities can be fast-acting, outgoing, bold and assertive. They like challenges but can get impatient, aggressive, demanding, challenging and power hungry. They can be bullies and insensitive to others’ feelings. While D-Cs can be helpful when you need to make a tough decision, they can be motivated by getting people to do what they want, their way, which can make them difficult to work with and, when challenged – even mildly – they find it hard to manage their anger and aggression.

Working with them:

It’s hard to work with Dominant-Controlling personalities. They continually make demands and dictate orders. It often feels demeaning and you can fear them, have an urge to fight them or dislike yourself for giving in to them. But if you approach them in the right way, things can work out.

To work best with a dominant-controlling person, you need to think like one. Get to the point and stick to the topic – avoid small-talk or vague expressions. Be brief, direct and respectful, back up your position with evidence and refuse to bend.

2. Analytical-obsessive

These personalities are methodical, logical and detail-oriented. They like perfection but their focus on doing things the right way can come across as nit-picky. A-Os take pride in high standards and are systematic in their approach to problems and projects. These are not bad qualities but they can be inflexible, and stand in the way of innovation. When they feel criticised, they avoid the issue, demonstrating their distaste of confrontation and argument.

Working with them:

There is a great need for people like these in business, but when you’re trying something new you need to approach them with caution. Firstly, acknowledge their work and their concerns without being critical or argumentative. Address their apprehensions then use logical language to map the path forward.

3. Expressive-impulsive

Expressive-impulsive people are enthusiastic, people-oriented, optimistic and social but can also be self-centred, reactive and charged up, seen as highly strung and pushy. They rarely think of consequences and refuse to take responsibility when things go wrong.

Wanting to be recognised for their work is a hallmark of E-I personality types but they concentrate solely on their own opinions and the big picture, and ignore inconvenient details.

Working with them:

E-Is bring creativity and energy but are not always the best listeners and don’t like being confined or controlled. They can be hard to work with sometimes but there are strategies you can use. Rather than trying to control them, make an effort to build a rapport. Let them know you appreciate their energy and ideas then give them tasks that require them to organise their ideas – challenging them to plan properly will be necessary to get them to focus.

4. Skeptical-negative

The S-N’s glass is always half empty, which can wear colleagues down because their pessimistic, suspicious nature promotes poor morale in the workplace. Not only is it annoying when someone is always complaining, but worst of all their negative attitude impacts other people. They think nothing of bad mouthing decisions and blame factors other than themselves for the ills of the world.

Working with them:

When you have to work with consistently negative people it’s good to have some strategies so you can deal with it head on. Firstly, support them by hearing them but don’t buy into their negative behaviour. Focus on how they might do things differently to prevent them drifting into negativity.

The goal of adapting your behaviour to different situations is not to change who you are, but to help you recognise your own role in difficult interactions.  You can’t make other people less difficult so your challenge every day is to deal more effectively with the difficult people you meet. Next time you’re involved in a touchy interaction with a difficult colleague, take a moment before you say anything. Consider their approximate personality type and formulate an appropriate response without letting emotions get the better of you.

About the author

Kath Greenhough is the Senior Manager of Customer Success Organisation at e-learning provider Skillsoft (Asia pacific).
As appeared in https://dynamicbusiness.com.au/

Dealing With Difficult People – The Foghorn Talker

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A loud co-worker can derail your productivity and make the working environment unpleasant, but telling a noisy colleague to pipe down isn’t a pleasant task. Even though they’re being rude, it’s natural to want to avoid confrontation.

Luckily, there are ways to get your co-worker to be a little quieter without ruffling any feathers in the office.

Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to improve working relationships, no matter what or who you’re facing.

For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444

5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues

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It is hard to put difficult colleagues into a one-size-fits-all box. After all, they come in so many shapes and sizes. No workplace is without them.

What about the passive-aggressive who feeds on bullying others? How about the know-it-all corporate climber who walks all over people in her 5-inch stilettos? Or the two-faced backstabber who delights in betraying confidences?

Difficult colleagues create stressful environments and unpleasant working conditions. A survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 65% of Americans cited work as a top source of stress. Only 37% of Americans surveyed said they were doing an excellent or very good job managing stress. In fact, work-related problems significantly outpaced other leading causes of stress such as health concerns or family responsibilities.

Not all stress at work can be blamed on difficult colleagues, but our workplace is a perfect breeding ground for people who push our buttons. A gossip who might not ordinarily get on our nerves becomes toxic when we are forced to work with them on a daily basis.

Unfortunately for entrepreneurs, business owners, and leaders, difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity.

The way your team deals with difficult colleagues will have a major impact on their careers and their well-being. Here are 5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues:

1. Keep friends close, enemies even closer

A difficult colleague may not be your enemy, but the more you know about them, the better you can understand them.

I will admit that, as an FBI agent, there are people out there who considered me to be the difficult colleague. I (sometimes) regret that I left casualties in the squad room, but I also know I had reasons for taking my stance. I’m not justifying my behavior; I make this point to underscore the importance of trying to understand the difficult colleague.

A Buddhist practice suggests that if someone is causing you to suffer, it’s because they’re suffering as well.

If someone had taken the time to ask me about my behavior, I would have pointed out that I am an overachiever. As such, I put so much pressure on myself to excel that, at times, I had no time for the pettiness of common courtesy! The stress I put on myself to run undercover operations and develop human intelligence (humint) sources caught up with me; I ended up incredibly sick for several months.

TIP: Take the time to understand that your workplace antagonist is an imperfect person, just like you. You don’t have to like them but if you can understand why they act like a jerk, you might be able to prevent yourself from adding fuel to the fire.

2. Know what pushes your buttons

No one escapes childhood without a few bruises and scrapes. We all have flash points that stem from our upbringing, family life, and relationships. Anger or frustration can be triggered when we least expect it. We react to a situation or individual rather than choose our response.

Our buttons are our responsibility to uncover. It’s so much easier to blame the difficult colleague or stupid supervisor rather than admit we have our own flaws.

Instead, take a look at why you react to certain people or situations in a negative way. Mental toughness is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success. You need to be brave enough to look at yourself with honesty and compassion. This might mean going back to childhood hurts to discover the patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you now.

TIP: Don’t be a wimp. Get a handle on what those buttons are and who, or what, pushes them. Rather than seeing difficult colleagues as a burden, they could actually be your ticket to dramatic professional growth.

3. Save the fight for what matters

Analyze the person and situation so you can rule out “false triggers” that create unnecessary stress in your environment. If you can’t, you will be at the mercy of the office bullies because they will know how to manipulate you. By pushing one of your buttons, you can be made to look oversensitive, weak, or gullible.

TIP: Be responsive, not reactive when someone pushes your buttons. A knee-jerk reaction is never a good choice.

4. Keep a lid on anger

Anger flares up when we feel that we, or another co-worker, have been unjustly treated by the difficult colleague. There are several reasons anger is not a good reaction:

  • An unpleasant emotion
  • Bad for your health
  • Clouds your judgment
  • Makes you look unprofessional

Avoid anger in the workplace. If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you risk being seen as unable to handle the situation like a seasoned professional. Worse yet, you may get labeled as being a difficult colleague as well.

TIP: Don’t flare up in the immediate heat of a confrontation. Instead, allow yourself to observe what is happening without getting caught up in it (meditation can help you with this). If you feel you can’t control your anger, try stalling for time. Here are some suggestions:

“Can I have a little more time to think this through? I’ll get back to you with an answer.”

“This isn’t on today’s agenda. Can we talk about it later?”

“I have a deadline. Can I get back to you on that?”

Bottom line: get out of the situation as quick as you can so you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If not, wait until your emotions are under control and then choose your response rather than reacting with negativity.

5. Face conflict

Conflict avoidance is not always a great idea, either. Staying away from disagreements and conflict creates stress as well.

If you’re faced with a difficult colleague, take some time out to reflect on the situation. Think about what the ideal outcome would be for you. What would you hope to accomplish from a conversation with your colleague?

Talk the situation out with other co-workers to gauge their assessment of it. They might be able to offer constructive advice and observations.

Don’t criticize, blame, or judge. Point out what you both agree upon at the beginning of the conversation.
TIP: Things might not change between you and the difficult colleague at first, but it’s worth a try. In a corporate environment that is known for tactics and playing games, develop a reputation of someone who is direct, personal and genuine. You’ll stand out!

 

9 Tips for Handling a Difficult Coworker

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No matter where you work, there always seems to be at least one coworker who is difficult to deal with. Sometimes, that coworker even turns into a bully, and that can affect your job performance and self-esteem when all you want to do it get along and get the job done. If you let it go, you can end up losing your temper, and that could adversely affect you both personally and professionally. However, there are some ways you can get along or defuse the situation to make life easier on the job.

1. Difficult Coworkers

All work situations have difficult coworkers from health care jobs to sales jobs. It may be the office gossip, the one who never seems to be able to get the job done without help or the serial dodger, who never seems to take responsibility and blames everyone else for his or her shortcomings. Then there is the nasty coworker, who never has anything nice to say about you, no matter what. Your first step in dealing with difficult coworkers is to identify who they are to ensure you aren’t blaming the wrong person.

2. Discuss the Problem

With a workplace bully or backstabber, it may be necessary to confront the person instead of letting the behavior continue. Having a calm discussion about the problem may have a surprising response. Some people do not realize the adverse impact their statements and actions have on others and be genuinely surprised and taken aback. Try to talk reasonably and hold your temper, but let the person know that you will take the issue to a superior if the actions continue.

3. Talk to a Friend

A little unbiased opinion is never harmful, so talking over your coworker situation with a friend can be a good idea. It not only lets you vent your frustrations but can give you an unbiased opinion of what may be going on and how to handle the situation.

4. Use Humor to Defuse a Situation

While this type of tactic can work for some people, not everyone is able to make a humorous comment to defuse a situation spontaneously. A light bit of humor might be the tactic for you if you have a funny side.

5. Have an Exit Strategy

Having an excuse to get away from a difficult coworker can help. Whether inventing a phone call you have to make, work you have to do right away or another excuse, spend as little time with the toxic coworker as possible. When people realize they aren’t being listened to, they give up.

6. Keep Your Co-Worker Problem Private

You don’t want your character questioned, so maintain your cool when faced with a problem co-worker. Complaining to others in the office might get you branded as a problem yourself, so keep any complaining down to those in your family or a close friend outside the office. Going public with grievances is always a bad idea.

7. Be Bigger Than Your Co-Worker

You know the old adage, “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.” This applies to coworkers too. It doesn’t mean you have to come in every day with a new joke or be the person who organizes birthday parties. However, just being pleasant, smiling and polite can improve another person’s attitude toward you.

8. A Friend Can’t Be an Enemy

While it doesn’t work in all cases, being friendly but not overly friendly to a difficult coworker can produce positive results. If the problem is gossip, having a friendly conversation can set things straight. If, on the other hand, the coworker is trying to take credit for work you have done, you can let your boss know beforehand that you are working on a certain aspect of a project, so you will get the credit.

9 Go to Your Boss

No one likes to do this, but sometimes there is no other choice if your requests to your toxic coworker have fallen on deaf ears. If you do decide to take the matter up with your supervisor, make sure to go armed with the information you need to make your case. Take notes on how this person’s actions are affecting your work and productivity on projects, and write down exactly what that person is doing to adversely affect your work.

Article by, Jessie Liu
As appeared in the https://www.thejobnetwork.com

Dealing With Difficult People – Nowhere Man

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Working with someone who is known for being “difficult” doesn’t have to be, well, difficult. By focusing on the other person in a positive way, you can make constructive strides in your working relationship—and your overall office happiness.

Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to improve working relationships, no matter what or who you’re facing.

For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444

How you can deal with difficult people at work and still keep your job!

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Bosses and colleagues: they can mean the difference between loving your work and dreading getting up in the morning.

When it’s good, you feel supported, valued, part of a team, and heard; when it’s bad you feel resentful, lonely, stressed and depressed.

When it’s good you’re prepared to stay in your job for the long term; and when it’s bad, you daily weigh up the ability to pay rent and eat, against the sheer joy of leaving your workplace and never, ever coming back.

But before you walk away, read our top tips for dealing with difficult people at work.

These tried and true methods have changed many toxic work relationships, turning what once seemed intolerable, into workable.

Disarm

We’re all the star of our own TV shows. We all see things filtered through the lens of our personality and thoughts. That’s what makes assumptions so tricky.

We are often assuming things about people based purely on how we view a situation, not on the the truth. For instance, you may have a tendency to catastrophise things. Like if a colleague at work is always frowning, you may assume that they don’t like you, when in actual fact they have a really stressful home life, and haven’t even noticed you enough to dislike you.

Sometimes the way that people act at work has actually nothing to do with you, and everything to do with an issue they are facing in their personal lives.

They may be less chatty than usual because they have just had a break-up, they may seem cranky because someone they love has passed away. There are a thousand reasons that a person may be acting in a certain way.

If you have a feeling that someone doesn’t like you, or they are short and sharp with you, or they ignore you, or they are a bit rude when they speak to you, muster your courage and ask them to come for a private chat with you.

You could invite them for a quick coffee. When you have them alone, ask them if they’re okay. You could start the conversation by saying “I’ve noticed lately you’re a bit on edge, is everything okay?”

Usually what will happen after this conversation, is that the person will be more aware of how they are coming across. Asking them if they’re okay will work to disarm them, and if there really was a problem, your concern will show them that you are a friend, not a threat.

Take them aside and confront them

Similar to asking if they’re okay, this method involves direct action. It is best to do this when the issue isn’t murky, where the person has actually been cruel, or mean, or a bit of a bully.

Here, what you need to do is take them aside and gently ask if there is a problem. If they say yes, then you can rationally and reasonably discuss it. If they say no, then at the very least they will be less likely to continue behaving poorly, because they know that you will call them out on it.

It’s important with this one, however, to remain calm and rational. Don’t accuse, don’t yell, just state your case, listen to them and try to work things out.

Manage expectations

If your boss, or your colleagues, keep dumping work on you and expecting it to be done yesterday, or if they are always pushing you to work faster, or if you feel underneath a mountain of work that just keeps piling up, it may be time to have a chat with them.

Let them know where you are at and the timeframe it will realistically take you to do the tasks.

Make sure they understand your work process so that together, you can work out realistic deadlines that work for everybody.

Here, you may also want to work out a process of prioritisation, so that you clearly know where jobs sit in the work food chain, and you know when one job needs to jump the queue.

Different strokes for different folks

If you’ve never heard of personality typing, basically what it means is that there are a whole cast of different “types” of personality that people can roughly be grouped into.

Some people are more task-oriented, some people feed off talking about ideas, some love the details, and some love communication. If you want to learn more about grouping, Google NLP personalities, Myers Briggs or DISC training.

Businesses need employees from all different ‘types” because every type has something different and important to offer a company. For example, the detail-orientated people make sure mistakes don’t happen and the visionaries move the big ideas forward. Ideally, a company will be made up of all different personality types, so that it has a rounded business approach.

If you find yourself clashing with someone, or irritated by someone, observe them for a day.

Try to work out what their personality style is, what they react to positively and negatively and what gets the best out of them.

When you next interact with them, try to use the information you have gathered to find a better way to work with them, to get on with them. Often a personality clash comes from not really understanding a person.

If you need to chat in the morning, and someone ignores you, that can make you feel rejected and angry. What you might not understand is that they are task-oriented, and have a need to focus all their energy on a task until it’s completed, then they’ll chat.

Knowing where a person is coming from can go a long way to building strong working relationships.

Do a Craig David and just walk away

If you have a co-worker or a boss who gets aggressive or starts to shout at you, take a leaf out of the famous Craig David song of the early 21st century titled Walking Away.

Honestly, yelling, shouting and intimidating behaviour is bullying and you don’t have to put up with it.

If it starts to happen, as coolly and calmly as you can, tell the person that you are going to leave and come back when they’ve calmed down, then walk away or hang up the phone.

If after leaving and returning (or phoning them back) the behaviour has not changed, then it may be time to take the issue further up the work ladder to your boss. Or if it is your boss who’s doing all the yelling, take it to their boss.

Ignore the excluders and take their power away

You may have an excluder in your office. For some reason, whether it be jealousy, ambition or just plain cruelty, excluders will deliberately try to sabotage you or make you feel left out in the cold, by ignoring you, or only giving you a bit of information about a job, task or social event.

The only way to deal with these people, is to ignore them right back. Don’t feed whatever is going on with them by playing into their trap. Just ignore it altogether.

If the exclusion has to do with the information you need for work tasks, tell your boss what is going on. Ask your boss to either brief you directly, or to get someone else to brief you with job information. You could also ask other colleagues for information.

Manage the micromanager

There’s always one. They can’t let anything go. They are always on you for updates and reports, always checking up.

To minimise your stress, and to help you work with them, what you need to do is be on the front foot. Give them updates on progress before they stop in to ask. Keep them in the loop on deadlines, and be proactive with your communication with them.

Basically, what they are really looking for is communication. They want to know all the what’s, the where’s and the when’s. The more you keep them in the loop, the more likely they are to trust you, and give you a bit of breathing room.

Know your triggers and manage your response

We all have our pet peeves. Whether it’s a particular tone someone uses when they want something done, or the way someone will linger over your shoulder talking about their weekend when you really have a lot of work to get on with, or the lady who talks so loudly, people two floors down know about how wonderful her blue cheese salad was.

Knowing your pet peeves and your triggers will go a long way to helping you deal with tricky work situations.

Once you know what your triggers are, you can work out strategies and plans for how to deal with them when someone pushes your buttons.

You may find that going to the bathroom and taking five deep breaths will calm you down, or popping on your headphones and listening to music blocks out the sound of loud co-workers and signals “do not disturb”.

Having a plan can help to manage and eliminate stress. Instead of acting out in the moment, which usually heightens stress and anger, have a plan to calm down, to focus and to brush it all off.

Big picture thinking

When things get tough, stop, find a quiet spot, take three deep breaths and think, will this matter in a month? Will it matter in a year? Will I remember this in five years? Is this going to be something I tell at dinner parties 10 years from now?

If the answer to all those questions is no, then brush it off, because in the scheme of your life, it really doesn’t matter.

If the answer is yes, then you may have a problem. You may need to approach your boss, or their boss to chat about the issues and see if they can be resolved. If they can’t, then it may be time to plan your exit from the position.

Find a stress outlet

It’s important that you have an outlet where you can release your stress. This may be exercise (there are whole reams of research proving the stress-relieving power of exercise to calm, focus and energise the body and mind). It could be an art class, or swimming lessons, or working on your car.

Whatever it is, make sure you make time to have it in your life, especially when you are feeling stressed and on edge.

Hopefully these tips will help you to navigate the minefields that workplaces can be. If you try them, and they really don’t work, either nothing changes, or things get worse, then you really may be in the wrong job. It may be time for a change.

If they do work, keep them up and enjoy the lifelong benefits you’ll get from knowing how to deal with difficult people and situations.

Article by, Amanda Collins
As appeared in www.opencolleges.edu.au

Dealing With Difficult People – Keeping Your Cool

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Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.

Try out these tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂 or ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to retain control, no matter what or who you’re facing.

For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444

3 Effective Strategies to Manage Workplace Conflict

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We’ve all likely encountered conflicts in the workplace that affect our morale, limit our productivity, and may even lead us to seek employment elsewhere.

There’s no way to avoid tension altogether, of course. But if you are capable of carefully navigating and resolving such discord, you’ll find you can improve dynamics for yourself and your team—and together you can deliver the results you strive for.

Let’s take a look at a common workplace conflict. A new manager has been hired to oversee special projects within your department, and you are uncertain about how roles will be redefined and responsibilities reallocated.

OPEN, CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION IS KEY

In a situation like this, it’s natural to feel a loss of control and fear of the unknown. To avoid letting anxiety get the best of you, commit yourself to being as communicative and open as possible.

A constructive conversation with your new counterpart can help both of you adjust to the new reality and work toward common goals with less stress and more understanding.

Here are three strategies to maximize the chances of a smooth path forward.

1. CRAFT AN INVITATION TO MEET

Take the initiative to connect with your new colleague. You can send an invitation by e-mail, but keep in mind that the way you formulate this message is important.

Be Empathetic

To begin, find that place of empathy within yourself. Think about how this person may be feeling. Likely he is anxious as well. After all, as a new member of the team, he is walking into a situation where people already know what they’re doing.

If you consider the feelings that language evokes in people—the emotions it evokes in you—you’ll appreciate the importance of conjuring a sense of reassurance and respect. Such opening lines may come in the shape of “I’m seeking your guidance …” or “could we discuss…” or “might it be possible for us…”

Such conversation starters suggest you have respect for your new colleague’s experience, opinion, and judgment. They offer reassurance that this is not an invitation to struggle but a genuine effort to build understanding and reach compromise.

Humanize the Message

Because e-mail can be a cold and impersonal mode of communication, think of ways to humanize the message, especially if you have yet to meet the new colleague in person. For example, you may start the e-mail by welcoming them to the team and attach a photo of the team from the holiday party.

Carefully Review Before You Send

After you have finished a draft, build in the time—ideally, an hour or two—to see it with fresh eyes and reflect. Printing out the message and reading it aloud is likely to give you a valuable perspective. You might even have a trusted mentor look it over and share observations.

2. CHOOSE A NEUTRAL LOCATION

If you want to have a productive, collaborative talk, you need neutral ground. Barriers to an effective communication are often unseen, and location can physically represent those invisible obstacles.

The office, intrinsically a place of power, can be the least conducive to a fruitful conflict-management process—especially if you’re meeting in your own office or your colleague’s.

Suggest getting a coffee in the cafeteria or taking a walk outside. If you meet in an open, impartial space, you are both likely to feel more of a sense of comfort, privacy, and freedom.

3. APPROACH THE CONVERSATION STRATEGICALLY

Consider Your Colleague’s Interests and Potential Points of Alignment

Now it’s time to prepare for the conversation, and again, empathy is important. You are more likely to have a constructive conversation if you first consider what your colleague’s interests and needs may be.

With these in mind, you have an opportunity to identify potential joint and divergent interests before the conversation even begins.

Next, Be Prepared to Listen—Strategically

You can open the conversation by suggesting that your colleague speak first, then you’ll take a turn.

This gives you the opportunity to search for overlaps in interests, for words, images, and vignettes that may allow you to start building bridges across seemingly high barriers. Perhaps you share an alma mater, home state, or favorite sports team. Openings can come in all forms if you are genuinely interested in discovering a common ground. By being curious about ways you can connect, you are more likely to build trust and garner respect.

In addition to seeking commonalities, be on the lookout for possible asymmetries as well. Misaligned interests can be advantageous. For example, in a workplace situation, perhaps you enjoy conceiving new projects and overseeing the discovery phase, whereas your colleague thrives on managing the project execution. Be mindful of such opportunities to divide tasks, and you can work together for mutual benefit.

When it’s your turn in the conversation, you can find ways to share your perspective while also bridging the gaps. Of course, none of these approaches are easy—especially in emotionally charged situations. They also take time: conflict-management is a process, not an event.

But if you employ these strategies with sincerity, you can transcend the immediate tension and move the relationship toward a more productive stage.

 

by EUGENE B. KOGAN
Eugene B. Kogan, Ph.D., is the research director of Harvard University’s American Secretaries of State Project. He’s an expert in coercive negotiations and power dynamics, and Dr. Kogan previously served as a Stanton Postdoctoral Fellow at Harvard Kennedy School’s Belfer Center for Science and International Affairs.

Dealing With Difficult People – Impact

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It’s difficult to calculate the exact cost of difficult behaviours in the workplace, but they can have a significant impact.

Even one toxic person in a team can greatly reduce productivity and effectiveness of the rest of the team due to the time spent trying to deal with, or work around, the difficult individual.

Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to retain control, no matter what or who you’re facing. For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444

Working Successfully With A Boss You Hate

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Let’s be honest, bad bosses exist and as an Assistant, you are primed to come up against some of the toughest people in business. Navigating difficult relationships can build resilience and tenacity however dealing with a persistently sour apple is about as demotivating as finding a great parking space, but then realising that you won’t fit.

We reached out to a group of over 200 Assistants who had all spent 15 years+ working across the public and private sector to ask about their experience of supporting a difficult boss. We found that 71% of our Assistants had supported someone that they would never work with again and over half of them left their position because of the behaviour exhibited by that same person.

Fortunately there are many ways to successfully cope and stay motivated if you hate your boss which doesn’t involve you immediately handing in your notice or a daily melt down on social media.

REALITY CHECK

As an Assistant, the expectations others have of you and the definition of the role you take on is to make the lives of Execs around the world more effective and efficient; enabling them and the business to be more profitable via your savvy business brain. The reality? That expectation exists without any caveat regarding the boss being an assh*le.

Our capacity for denial can be astounding and facing a daily struggle with a boss who criticizes every move you make is exhausting. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you meeting their expectations in the role? Is your day to day sustainable or is there a reason that they are constantly watching your every move? Before you decide to take the bull by the horns and sit them down to address their management style, make sure that you’re not the problem because unfortunately sometimes, it is.

We recently held a panel discussion at our exclusive learning and development events ‘The PA Diaries Live’ with top Executive Assistants from HSBC, Facebook and First State Investments and we were all in agreement that to be a good PA, you don’t need to like the boss. In their experience, working successfully with Execs means being ten steps ahead at all times, developing credibility in the role and demonstrating that you are the most trustworthy, adaptable and reliable person that they interact with daily.

So what should you do if it’s not your problem? In a perfect world, we would all compromise and live harmoniously with each other, the reality of which is as far flung as us becoming best friends with the Queen. Once you have established the genuine cause of the problem and have identified that it does not start with you, it’s time to use your management skills and take control in your next 1:1 meeting…

COMMUNICATION

HR Guru Dan Oswald defines successful communication as H.O.T. – honest, open, and two-way. Utilise your next meeting with this in mind and create an agenda to discuss with your boss the difficulties you are finding within the role (aka how much of a pain in the ass they are).

Advise them ahead of time that you would like to review your performance and the relationship between you both making it clear that this meeting is a priority and that it cannot be rescheduled. If they ignore you and push for an alternative day and time, stay strong, explain that the meeting is important to you and reiterate that it cannot be moved.

Manage the meeting and keep things (and emotions) under control with your agenda in hand spending equal time for you to both discuss how things are going. Move on to your next agenda point and focus on the short and long term plan for your working partnership. Use the H.O.T. method to discuss negatives and positives, areas/key skills to develop and what is important to you both in a successful PA/Exec relationship.

Keep it professional, spend five minutes on a final wrap up, agree on objectives (for you both) and create a pathway to follow going forward. Regular check ins on how your objectives are progressing on both sides will show commitment to the bigger picture and highlight how things are changing slowly but surely.

DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to make things work, getting through to your dragon boss might be harder than you think. After a successful meeting, not much might change and you’re starting to take your frustration out on innocent colleagues and  find yourself becoming more and more demotivated in your job every day.

Before you end up punching a hole in the wall (or your boss) tough love might be your only answer and it could be time to make a change on your CV. Ask yourself this – is it worth it? Do not feel that to be taken seriously as a professional, you need to spend an exact amount of time in a position, especially if you dread leaving the front door every morning.

Power-tripping, badly behaved bosses will always exist, your job description does not cover Therapist or punch bag as well as Assistant.

Dealing With Difficult People – Employer Strategies

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Difficult people all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.

As an employer you should be sure to consider some of these strategies.

Ask us how we can help you and your company to know exactly what you can and should do to retain control, no matter what or who you’re facing. For training, get in touch with Rhonda at Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com or call us at (613) 244-9444

Dealing with Difficult People

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In an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

Article By, Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP
As appeared in https://psychcentral.com/

9 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work

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Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.

Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.

Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.

After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.

So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?

Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:

  1. Be calm.
    Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.
    Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.
  2. Understand the person’s intentions.
    I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
  3. Get some perspective from others.
    In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
  4. Let the person know where you are coming from.
    One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
  5. Build a rapport.
    With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
  6. Treat the person with respect.
    No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
  7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.
    Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
  8. Ignore.
    If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.
  9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.
    When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.

Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂

Written by Celestine Chua. Celestine chose her passion over everything else when she left her high paying Fortune 100 career in 2008. Today, she enables thousands to achieve their goals and dreams through her popular personal development blog CelestineChua.com and her coaching.

6 Things to Remind Yourself When Dealing With a Difficult Boss

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How should someone act around a boss that is a narcissist? originally appeared on Quora: the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world.

Answer by Karen Arluck, Clinical Psychotherapist in private practice, on Quora:

It can be very difficult to work for a boss who appears to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. While you may not know for sure if someone else meets the criteria for a clinical diagnosis, you are likely to be well aware if they are demonstrating the following types of characteristics:

  • Insistence on being “right” all the time.
  • May quickly swing from one extreme of treating you like the best employee on the planet, and the next moment may be threatening to fire you in front of the board of directors, and back again based on their current mood and how they feel about you in the moment..
  • Inability to handle any confrontation or assertion that there might be another way to do something, even if they brag about their “open door policy”.
  • Lack of object constancy, (for example: when they are angry at you, they may act as if they cannot remember any previous positive feelings towards you and/or your work, and may even threaten to fire you anytime they are angry with you).
  • In need of constant admiration, combined with extreme avoidance and/or punitive behavior when they do not feel appropriately admired, feel otherwise shamed, humiliated, or disrespected.
  • Often comparing employees, which may even look like pitting them against one another inadvertently or purposely, often creating divisiveness, resentment, and a lack of cohesion among employees who are often solely focused on saving their own job.
  • May be extremely competitive, with the people who work for them, people on their lateral level, or even their own boss.

Many people spend so many waking hours at work, that their interactions with their boss, the way they feel about their performance, and their external feedback about this can be very important to their overall mental health and self-esteem level. You may have even complained about your difficult boss to your well-meaning friends or loved ones who may have said things like,

  • “Quit! You don’t deserve this! This is abuse!”
  • “You should put them in their place! Don’t let them talk to you that way!”

While all of that may be true, it is not always realistic for people to quit their jobs, nor do they always want to, and telling off your boss, may lead to being reprimanded or fired. Assuming your goal is to stay at your current job and do your best to co-exist with your current boss, here is the bare bones version of my tips for dealing with a narcissist boss:

1. Try to make them look good:

This may include going above and beyond what they ask (even if they asked in an annoying way), not bad-mouthing them to colleagues (even when they egg you on), and becoming indispensable to them.

2. Study what is important to them, and excel at it:

Your boss likely has particular things that they want done perfectly (“or else”) , and other things that are highly negative deal-breakers for them. Learn what these things are and act accordingly (even if it seems silly or unimportant to you).

3. Use your emotional toolbox:

It can be very hard to be frequently criticized no matter how hard you work, treated like garbage because your boss is in a bad mood, or flipped on at the drop of a hat. For this reason, it is very important to be extra kind to yourself and do the things that will help you feel better and maintain your self-esteem in this difficult environment. This may include: positive self-talk, taking short breaks to breathe and re-group, coming in early or staying late after your boss leaves so that you can work more when it is more peaceful, planning fun things for yourself before or after work, finding time for exercise (even if it is a brisk walk around the block at lunch), etc.

4. Try to avoid narcissistically injuring them.

Bosses who suffer from NPD are very sensitive to narcissistic injury, and usually cannot calmly handle anything that feels: confrontational, embarrassing, insubordinate, disrespectful, or otherwise insulting. Of course, nobody likes these feelings, but narcissists tend to react particularly strongly and negatively, and are unlikely to have the object constancy to balance these types of negative feelings with any previously positive ones about you, often leaving them feeling only negatively about you and your job.

5. Set boundaries:

This does not mean marching into your bosses office and telling them, “here are my boundaries…!” Instead, remind yourself that you do have control here, even if it doesn’t feel like it. If they are doing anything abusive, illegal, or disrespectful, find the appropriate person in HR to address the matter. If your boss is screaming at you in their office and you can’t handle another second, you can say, “I’ve heard what you said, and need to process this. Thank you.”

6. Stay focused on YOUR goals:

Many people may decide it is not worth it to them to have to put up with this daily behavior from their boss. On the other hand, this job may be an important stepping stone in your career or have other worthwhile benefits that make you decide to stay. This is an individual choice for a person to make, regardless of what other people tell you is “the right thing to do.” If you do decide to stay, it can be enormously helpful to make a list of all of the things you are getting out of staying, how this job is meeting your needs in some way, and the benefits to you in dealing with it. On days that it feels particularly difficult to deal with your boss, refer back to your list of reasons for you wanting to stay there. This can serve as a reminder that you are not just the victim here, but that you can instead try to focus your energy on the benefits to you in staying there.

The point is…

It can be extremely difficult working for a narcissist, and dealing with all of the possible negative emotional effects for you. your self-esteem, anxiety level, etc. The good news is that the more you understand about NPD and its general emotional and behavioral patterns (as well as this person’s individual patterns, preferences, idiosyncrasies), the more predictable your boss will become, and easier it usually is to deal with them. Assuming you decide to stay in your current role, remember that this is your choice, you can set your boundaries, and most importantly, just because your boss calls you stupid, does not actually mean you are.

As Appeared on https://www.huffpost.com/

Love & Compassion Towards Difficult People: It’s Not Easy But It’s Worth It.

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There was time when I felt somewhat proud of myself for having good relationships with people around me. I was truly happy for those doing well and not feeling jealousy or envy. For those who were not doing well or making mistakes, I was able to feel their pain and wished them happiness. I thought I made great progress in developing love and compassion. One day my friend asked me “You know what? It seems like you keep only ‘good people’ around you; people whom you like and who like you. Maybe that’s why your relationships are going well. What do you think?” At first I was skeptical, but it didn’t take long for me to admit that she was right. I kept myself in a comfort zone only with my favorable people thinking that my love and compassion had grown stronger. My love, joy and compassion were genuine and abundant for those I like but not for the others. Then, I recalled Sotaesan’s words: “Who wouldn’t love a good person? To love a hateful person is the practice of what we call great loving-kindness and great compassion.” (The Scriptures of Won Buddhism, p. 392)

I think it’s fair to say that we want to be with people around whom we feel comfortable and safe. However, when it comes to ‘spiritual practice’, as Sotaesan pointed out, we need to take one step further to cultivate love and compassion not only for our loved ones but also for those we find difficult and even hateful. It has to be done by embracing, not by dividing people around us. This reflection was a clear call for me to challenge myself with ‘real’ practice of love and compassion toward those I find difficult.

Dealing with difficult people is an inevitable part of our lives. No matter what we do and where we are, we can always find someone or a group of people we hate and blame for problems. We are often divided by gender, race, sexual orientation, political, and/or religious affiliation. Unfortunately, as a consequence, many individuals and communities suffer from frictions caused by intolerance of those visible differences. Recent FBI statistics show that hate crimes in the United States increased last year. This is an alarming increase and we need to do something about it.

As a Buddhist, I find an answer from Buddha’s words: “Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love. This is an ancient truth.” (Dhammapada #5) With that said, in Buddhism we see love and compassion as an antidote to hatred. Yet, this is the universal wisdom from many awakened individuals and religions. Religious scholar, Karen Armstrong also points out that the practice of compassion is central to all world religions, in the form of the golden rule.

“Hatred ceases through love.” “Love your enemies.” It’s easier said than done. In order to put this into my practice, I had to ask myself why I should cultivate love and compassion even for those who deceive others and cause more harm. I thought they don’t deserve such love and compassion and it’s almost against to the law of cause and effect. So when someone treated me disrespectfully, my response was to give the same disrespect if not more. When I saw people causing harm, I literally wished them to suffer as a result of their own actions.

But over the years of my reflection, I realized that ‘an eye for an eye’ attitude tends to perpetuate the cycle of hatred, rather than solve the underlying, fundamental problems. And it was never a good or right feeling to treat someone with hate or disrespect. In this regard, I strongly agree with Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. as he wrote, “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” So I made a commitment to stand by the golden rule: love and compassion. Setting my intention to the practice of love and compassion put my mind at ease. Wising others to be happy and free from suffering feels much better than wishing others to suffer. It just feels right. But it doesn’t mean easy. That’s why it’s called practice.

In the practice of love and compassion especially towards difficult people, one thing I find very important to remember is that unskillful and harmful behaviors come from a place of suffering and ignorance. When we are at peace with a sense of security and content, there is no room for hate, jealousy or resentment. In this regard, if we try hard to look deep into people who carry destructive actions, we can see their inner chaos and suffering. And people behave according to their own understanding of right and wrong. I’ve done things that I believed would bring happiness, but ended up causing more problems. Now I see it was my self-centered view and ignorance that fueled unskillful actions. I think we can all relate to this: our own suffering and ignorance lead us to destructive actions causing so much harm for ourselves and others. This simple recognition of where our behaviors originate from helps to open our heart and embrace difficult people. Embracing difficult people doesn’t mean we agree with their harmful actions, but it means that we create inner space to wish them happiness and wisdom, which will ultimately bring greater peace to all of us.

One last note I’d like to share with you is dharma words from Sotaesan. It’s a helpful reminder:

A wholesome person teaches the world through his wholesomeness, but the unwholesome person awakens the world through his unwholesomeness. The service of teaching and awakening the world is the same, but a wholesome person does his work for the world while gaining blessings for himself and unwholesome person does his while creating transgression for himself. Thus, we should pity the unwholesome person rather than hating him. (The Scriptures of Won Buddhism, p. 363)

 

Won Buddhist, Chaplain at New York University, Religious Life Adviser at Columbia University

A Guide To Dealing With Difficult People

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We’ve all been there. Be it work, school or Thanksgiving dinner, we’ve all found ourselves in situations where we have been forced to interact with people we find to be “difficult”. For many of us, we’d rather eat glass than have to deal with challenging people like this but how we survive and, dare I say thrive, in these situations can separate us from the pack in both business and in life.

Identifying Difficult People.

Difficult people can take many forms. “Difficulty” can manifest itself in quite a few ways, oftentimes, including people who spread rumors, who find the negative in everything, those who rarely cooperate, or who don’t value the input and opinions of others. They may find every opportunity to create problems or they may simply use passive resistance to waylay your best efforts to move your agenda forward.

At the end of the day, defining “difficult” is a uniquely personal thing. What is challenging to me may be a breeze for you. Understanding your personality, preferences, and triggers can help you to recognize the types of people and situations that irritate you.

David Brown describes several types of difficult people and how their behaviors serve to irritate others like a course grade of sandpaper:

  • Perfectionists. If you are looking for quick results, perfectionists can be a source of frustration.
  • Control freaks. When you want to do things your way, overly controlling types can be a source of irritation as well.
  • Creative people. They’re essential if generating ideas is the plan but can cause frustration when you just want to get to delivering a simple result.
  • Shapers: Although shapers may seek to take over as and when they see fit, they can really help drive action.
  • Aggressive or defensive people. Assertion can help move a group forward. Aggression or defensiveness can have the opposite effect on a group’s dynamic.
  • Submissive people. The lack of confidence and fear of failure that many submissive types display can be a source of frustration as well. 

Identifying the Issue.

Turning the situation inward and analyzing your triggers and reactions to these situations can help you to be prepared and self-aware when they arise. Elizabeth B. Brown shares several questions that you may want to reflect on in order to help you understand the root issue of why that person at work or in life is making you insane:

  • What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
  • How do you react to a difficult person in your life?
  • How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
  • If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
  • Are you the difficult person driving others to reactive behavior?
  • How do others react to your actions and responses?

Feeding into our frustrations when dealing with a difficult person can become a vicious cycle. We tend to see or hear an interaction and then interpret that action based, not on fact, but on our assumptions. Then we react. Unfortunately, we usually don’t have all of the information as to why an individual may be showing up the way they are and, in the absence of factual information, we tend to fill in the blanks with our own theories about what might be going on.

Mitigating These Situations.

In order to help prevent this from happening it can be extremely helpful to separate the facts from our assumptions. Additionally, it can be beneficial to separate ourselves and our reactions from the negative emotions we may be feeling in the moment. This is easier said than done but those of us who are able to get to this place can better arm themselves with the superpower of having meaningful and productive interactions even with people who make us cringe. Tony Schwartz recommends using three different lenses to look at the world:

The lens of realistic optimism.

Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly.

  • What are the facts in this situation?
  • What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts? What do I really want as an outcome?

The reverse lens.

This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself:

  • What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?
  • Where’s my responsibility in all this?

It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

The long lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She invariably takes credit for your work. When this occurs, begin with this question:

  • Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?

When dealing with difficult people, regardless of type, there are steps you can take to make the best of the situation and work to find a productive outcome.

Managing your reactions.

It is all about breathing. Slow, deep breathing actually triggers something at the bottom of your spine called the Vegus nerve, which sends neurotransmitters to brain that actually calm you down.

Then, take a moment to reflect on how you feel. Ask yourself questions about how you can respond to difficult person, or how you can create a good outcome from the situation. While this seems like overkill, this is an essential step to getting your brain out of its instinctual response (things like sharpness, negativity, and defensiveness). Forcing yourself to think of ways to create a good outcome makes your brain go into a more positive mode of thinking.

Leveraging some self-control.

Know yourself. Having a clear sense of self, what causes you tension and where your limits are can serve you well when interacting with people that you find to be difficult. Staying calm and developing your awareness and emotional intelligence skills can help you to manage your reactions to frustrating situations.

Seek to understand the situation. Gaining some clarity by asking questions while managing your own reactions can serve to help find a mutually satisfactory outcome. Reflecting on what you would determine as a satisfactory outcome before getting into an interaction with a difficult person can help you maintain focus on what really matters.

Stick to the facts and acknowledge emotions. Using examples and stating facts as opposed to interpretations can help keep interactions with people you find difficult in check. Paraphrasing and checking for accurate understanding can also show that you hear what people are saying and that you are doing your level best to work effectively with them. Responding and stating your emotions or the impact that the person is having on you based on their behavior, if delivered correctly, can sometimes be the nudge that someone needs to realize that they are rubbing you the wrong way.

Seek the advice of others. You’re not alone in this. You are not the only person who has ever had to productively interact with a difficult person. Seeking out the advice of others or finding someone to help coach you through it can be quite beneficial. Sometimes, talking it out can help you reframe the situation to a place where you can facilitate a more positive outcome.

Keep records, if necessary. Sometimes, things can be so abrasive that you run the risk of hitting an end-state that you never intended. If things are to the point where interactions are toxic, it may be time to start making intentional effort to begin documenting things. If things go south, at least you have a good record of what led to that place.

What Do You Do When None of This Works?

So, you’ve tried everything and you are set on a course of realizing that nothing is going to work. At the end of the day, my colleague Shawn Overcast said it best in an article she penned entitled, Weathering the Organizational Storm– Take care of yourself.

By modeling well-being practices, you not only do good for your own mind and body, but you eliminate second-hand stress for all those around you. Think about the classic instruction we all receive when preparing to take-off on an airplane, ‘secure your own mask before assisting others.’ If you haven’t taken care of yourself, you won’t have the clarity or energy to help those around you. One way to intentionally take care of yourself is to practice mindfulness, if even for a few minutes at a time. The field of psychology gives us research that focusing the mind promotes calmness, reduces anxiety, and increases productivity. And more and more business examples tell us that it matters to our organizational performance too.

The speed of the world around us can put any number of stressors on us and the people with whom we interact. Unfortunately, we all handle stress differently and it can often manifest in ways that are unproductive when dealing with others in our lives. When faced with such people, having a clear understanding of how you react and what tools you can employ to attempt to keep things productive can mean the difference between success and a painful, annoying and awkward failure.

Article By, Chris Cancialosi

I’m a partner and founder of gothamCulture, a management consulting firm that empowers leaders to drive change in their organizations through the lens of culture and strategy. My extensive experience in both internal and external consulting roles, as well as leadership roles as a U.S. battalion operations officer and Blackhawk helicopter pilot, afford me a unique perspective on shaping effective leaders, entrepreneurs, and workplace cultures in today’s rapidly changing business environment.
As Appeared in https://www.forbes.com/

How To Deal With Difficult People In The Workplace

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Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to avoid working with at least some difficult (if not some extremelydifficult) people. You might find them in senior leadership, among your peers or even among your clients. They can have an impact on your motivation, stress, absenteeism and morale. In extreme cases, they might even have a financial impact if your business must incur cascading management, legal and human resources costs.

Perhaps your difficult person does not cause you complete agony, but the effects of having to manage a relationship with these types of co-workers can take a significant toll on your productivity, focus and emotional well-being. While we will never be able to completely avoid difficult people, I’ve developed five strategies as a coach to help you deal with them gracefully:

1. Examine yourself first.

This is generally the most difficult (but also most important) step of any problem: Check yourself, and ask how you might be contributing to the issue at hand. For example, is the problem the other person’s actions, or your reaction? Ask yourself truthfully, are you overreacting in any way? Do you see any patterns or typical hot buttons for yourself? It can often be a challenge to look at your place in any conflict objectively, so ask a third party, such as an unbiased co-worker, for feedback to really understand the reality of the situation without the coloring of ego and emotion.

2. Learn empathy.

Instead of being defensive, see the difficult person as a person. Try to understand where he or she is coming from. What does that person need that he or she isn’t getting? Perhaps it’s to be seen, heard, acknowledged or recognized. Many of us have likely been there before; we might have even been the difficult person on the other side. Instead of ruminating on how you can get back at them, ask yourself how you can help them. Even if you still believe they’re in the wrong, how can you create a win-win situation now that you have an understanding of where they’re coming from?

3. Don’t take it personally.

It’s important to remind yourself that you likely aren’t the cause of someone else’s demeanor. Recently, I was working with a client who was newly promoted and assigned a new team. She planned a team-building session but was nervous to facilitate the day because she was worried about how to keep everyone engaged and open. Shortly after the day started, one of the team members seemed oblivious to the conversation and was tethered to her phone.

My client was furious. Not only did it feel disrespectful, but it also triggered her own insecurities about facilitating the group. But, at the morning break, my client asked (rather than accused) the team member if something was wrong. The woman explained that she was dealing with a serious family issue, and after their conversation, both agreed that this team member should leave to be with her family.

The situation had nothing to do with my client. How often might this be the case in your workplace? Someone might be behaving in a way you do not appreciate, not because of you, but because they are struggling with something else. Everyone you know might have something going on in their personal lives you are unaware of, so be kind.

4. Become proactive.

What happens when someone takes credit for your work or yells at you? You likely become angry or upset. The problem is, most of us can end up spending valuable mental, emotional and physical energy stuck this way. It’s totally draining and only ends up hurting you in the long run.

So how can you take a more proactive approach? Focus on what you want. Be clear about your own career objectives, know what you want to accomplish in the next one or two years, and recognize the roles those around you play. The more you focus your actions and attention on what you want to accomplish, the more the difficult people gently fade into white noise in the background.

5. Find the solution.

Finally, when things get tough, fight the urge to flee. Instead, challenge yourself to be constructive and solutions-oriented. It might not be easy, but if you approach the problem with curiosity, ask open-ended questions, and truly listen with an open mind and without judgment — you might find the answer was simpler than you expected. State your objectives, acknowledge their position, ask for their suggestions, and never lose sight of your wider perspective.

Sometimes, we are able to choose the people with whom we work, but more often than not, those decisions are made for us. And while we can’t always change the cards we’re dealt, we can take responsibility for how we engage with others. Ask yourself what each person can teach you — especially those you struggle with the most. Stepping up and choosing to approach challenging people with compassion and understanding, rather than frustration and resentment, can only make you a better leader and teammate at the end of the day.

 

Article by, Starla Sireno , As Appeared on www.forbes.com

Starla Sireno

Starla Sireno is an executive coach and leadership consultant helping leaders leverage their innate strengths to increase their impact.

One of My Favorite Communication Strategies to Help You Keep Your Cool

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One of my favorite communication strategies is one that I use when others try to make me defensive. No one can make you feel defensive without your consent. We are in control of how we react. No one is in control of that.

You may be thinking, “Joyce, how can I be in control when others push me?” It isn’t easy. Most of us push back when someone judges us. We are all guilty of losing our cool at times. My secret sauce is verbal aikido.

Communication Strategies #1: The definition of verbal aikido

In aikido, the person who pulls back from an attack is the stronger one. Stop defending yourself when someone yells at you that you are late. Instead of defending yourself by saying, “The traffic was bad,” start using verbal aikido. Say, “You are right, I’m late. I know how punctual you are, and I will leave 15 minutes earlier the next time we meet.”

Communication Strategies #2: Focus on what can be done

It’s more important to concentrate on solutions rather than blaming what went wrong. The next time a meeting becomes a screaming match with a lot of blaming and accusations, use verbal aikido. Pull back by saying, “Instead of the blame game, let’s figure out how we dropped the ball and resolve this issue with our client.” Fixing what went wrong needs to be discussed at another time. We all want our issues to be resolved and we don’t care about excuses or blaming others. Verbal aikido is a tool that cuts through the noise and focuses on the present.

Communication Strategies #3: How Robert Kennedy used verbal aikido

Robert Kennedy knew that he was going to be pushed by the press after President Kennedy appointed him as his attorney general of the United States. Senator Kennedy was prepared when he met the press the day after the appointment was made. A journalist said, “Senator Kennedy, what gives you the right to become attorney general of the United States?” Senator Kennedy took a breath and said, “That’s a great question. You have to attend a good school, know a lot of people, and have a brother who is the president of the United States.” The press melted and started to laugh at this brilliant statement.

Verbal aikido allowed Senator Kennedy to pull back and he caught the press off guard.

Let’s Get Real

There are times when I forget all the skills that I write about. Let’s face it, we are all human! The important thing about forgetting to use these skills is that you are reminded of them immediately after a communication doesn’t go as well as you wanted it to!

Article by, Joyce Weiss

Joyce Weiss, M.A. CSP is a Communications, Career and Coaching Expert. For the past 30 years she has perfected patented strategies that have addressed peer bullying, standing out to upper management, career advancement, and resolving personality conflicts. Clients feel more confident during tough conversations to be direct with respect®. She just launched an online coaching program Communication Skills at Work. You can reach her at Joyce@JoyceWeiss.com.

How to Deal with Untidy and Messy People at Work

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Everyone has their own definition of what’s messy and what’s not. Some people are able to tolerate more clutter and mess, whereas others like to have everything neat and tidy at all times. This isn’t too much of a problem when these cleaning habits are limited to the privacy of one’s home. However, it can be a real issue when it encroaches on a shared work space where everyone has different ideals. Here are seven tips for dealing with untidy and messy people at work.

Seek to understand the underlying issue

There’s usually a link between people’s environment and their mental and emotional space. Therefore, simply asking someone to clean up their workspace probably won’t solve the problem for good. It’s important to understand why your colleague is messy. Is there something going on for them personally? Do they struggle to focus? Are they lacking clear goals to work towards? When you understand the underlying issue, you can seek to address it with the right approach and help the person make a long-term change that will benefit them in both their work and personal life.

Encourage a recycling program

If your office doesn’t already recycle, introduce a recycling program to encourage employees to put their paper and glass recyclables in the bin. Educate team members on what should be recycled, like paper, cardboard, tins, plastic containers and glass, and what shouldn’t, like food waste, food-tainted items, coffee cups, plastic bags, foil and more. By doing this, you will lift the office cleaning standards for the whole team. It’s just like the saying goes, ‘a rising tide lifts all boats!’

Move away from paper processes

Some employees may appear more messy than others simply because they are dealing with a heavy volume of paper. This might be the case for anyone who works in administration or who handles purchasing, invoices or contracts. There are plenty of state-of-the-art software solutions that businesses can implement to get rid of paper once and for all. These systems, often cloud based, reduce paper waste by allowing team members to collaborate, edit and share documents in real-time from wherever they are. By making the most of the latest technology solutions, your business will decrease clutter while improving efficiency and decreasing its carbon footprint – it’s a win win!

Have a regular office cleaning day

If more than one person’s workspace has fallen into a mess, or if other areas of the office are untidy, plan an office cleaning day. Supply snacks and lunch, turn on music and encourage employees to wear casual clothes. At the end of the day, you’ll not only have a tidy workplace but also a more bonded team and plenty of fun memories.

Conquer clutter with the box method

If clutter continues to be a problem, implement the box tidying method. This works by giving each employee a box to sit on their desk. At the end of the day, every employee must put any loose items like paper, pens, staplers or notebooks in the box. This encourages employees to get in the habit of keeping their workspace tidy, and keeps the entire office free from clutter. 

Have a conversation

If an employee’s lack of cleanliness is impacting on other people’s health, wellbeing and efficiency, it’s time to have a conversation with them. If you’re not the boss, then it’s important to notify a manager to allow them to do the talking. Addressing the person’s behaviour and explaining why it is detrimental to other employees should encourage them to change their habits. 

Relocate the employee

If a particular employee continues to cause a mess in the workplace after being spoken to, it might be time to consider relocating that employee to a different area. If all else fails, management may need to step in to give the employee a formal warning. This should clearly explain that the employee must clean up their act if they are to keep working in the office.

Untidiness not only leaves an eyesore in the workplace but also affects productivity and can ultimately be detrimental to your business’ bottom line. The best way to handle messiness at work is to deal with it quickly so you can get back to doing the work that matters the most – serving your customers and clients.


Article By,

 


Lara Blanco
Clean Focus Services
Head of Customer Happiness

Culture happiness centric individual with the belief that happy teams make happy customers, which in turn makes everyone happy. I also know a thing or two about cleaning 🙂

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.

Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control. .

 

About the Author(s)

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com, or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.

How to deal with difficult people at work

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Modern workplaces don’t always bring out the best in people. Corinne Mills explains how to deal with awkward colleagues

  • Workplace dilemmas: dealing with a difficult colleague
  • Dealing with difficult and confrontational behaviour at work
  • Looking for a job? Explore the range of vacancies on Guardian Jobs and find the perfect role for you

A grumpy boss, whiny colleague or a petulant customer: all recognisable characters from the everyday drama of work. Modern workplaces can be fraught, so it’s perhaps not surprising that it doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Thankfully fistfights at work are rare. However, we’ve probably all experienced a time when the destructive behaviour of a colleague or boss has left us reeling.

So if there is someone behaving badly in your workplace, here are some tips to help.

Remember that we’re all human

It’s important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So patience and some time may be all that is needed for the individual to get themselves through a sticky patch. Rather than a knee-jerk response to their bad behaviour, instead ask them how they are as you want to make sure they are OK. This is incredibly disarming – and as they see that your aim is to be supportive and not a threat, they may well decide to see you as an ally rather than an adversary.

Be upfront with others

Some people are not very self-aware so maybe you just need to tell them constructively what the problem is or what you need from them. For instance, if a colleague is making barbed comments in your direction, then take them to one side, and ask them why. They’ll either be apologetic as they genuinely didn’t realise it was a problem, or they’ll make some excuse or even try to counter-accuse. Either way, they’ll know it will be risky for them to attempt this again without you hauling them up on it and perhaps escalating it further.

Manage your expectations

It might be a customer making unreasonable demands, your colleague expecting emails to be answered at midnight or your boss continually dumping urgent work on your desk just as you are heading for the exit. Choose a quiet moment when you can talk to them about their expectations and agree on how you can best work together, including what you can and can’t do, realistic timeframes and, if needed, a system for dealing with urgent issues. Having this conversation ahead of time enables a far more rational discussion about what’s needed, rather than one in the heat of a last minute panic.

Be tolerant of different approaches

Observe them closely. How does their approach compare with yours? Are they a detailed person, glass half full or empty, task orientated or relationship focused? Then adjust your style when you communicate with them. For example, if they tend to be a nitpicking pessimist, then they may be more receptive to your ideas if you focus on which might be the least worst of possible scenarios and supply lots of detail. Read up on neuro-linguistic programming to find out how to build rapport and influence the thinking of individuals with very different thinking styles.

Handle aggression assertively

If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it’s OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.

Be mindful of psychological health issues

When an individual continually behaves in a way that is problematic or destructive, then the roots often lie deeper than whatever is happening at work. People are complex and it’s worth remembering that according to Mind statistics, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. So where their behaviour seems emotionally charged or oddly disproportionate to the issue at hand, it may be that there are more deep-seated psychological issues at play.

Sometimes just keeping your cool, using logic and rational argument will be sufficient to de-escalate a situation. However, someone needs to have an honest and supportive conversation with them about what is happening. This may be you or you may need to bring it to the attention of someone else in the organisation to deal with. Organisations on the whole are becoming more aware of their responsibilities to support individuals with mental health issues.

Seek alternative methods as a last resort

Where you’ve tried everything you can to improve a difficult relationship at work but the individual still seems hell bent on making you miserable, then it’s time to look at your options. You could try and ride it out, forge some allies, avoid them where you can and become adept at “covering your back”. You could consider raising a grievance or formal complaint about their behaviour but these rarely end in dismissal so you may still find yourself working with them – and yes, they going to be very angry with you.

The sad reality is that sometimes you come across individuals at work who are psychopathic in their behaviour. Utterly ruthless, these individuals are incredibly resilient, fearless and not constrained by ethics or a moral code. Beware if they have you in their sights, because they are smart, manipulative, very plausible and have no compunction about causing damage.

By the time you’ve wised up to their true behaviour they may already have engineered to get rid of you or beaten you into submission. Will you win against them – unlikely! At least not unless you are prepared to play a similar no holds barred game. It might just be better to run and don’t look back.

These are my tips but have you found any others that worked for you? Drop us a line in the comments below to share your thoughts.

-Corinne Mills is managing director of Personal Career Management.
As appeared on https://www.theguardian.com/

Managing Anger At Work

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Have you ever stayed at work to get a rush job done only to be told that a last-minute extension was granted? Have you had a co-worker or supervisor take credit for work you did? How about having someone dump all the work on your lap because “they don’t have time?”

Getting angry at work is common. We know we aren’t supposed to get angry. We know we are supposed to be in better control of our emotions. We understand all the talk about being professional. It still happens.

Anger is one letter short of DANGER (Author Unknown). Read here what to do when you get angry at work

Anger can be a self-destructive emotion when it is out of proportion to the situation or when it is expressed inappropriately. It seems that every time you open a computer or watch the news, we see yet another person who has overreacted to a situation and used violence to deal with their anger.

Anger has been called an adaptive emotion, which means that it is often a red flag, hiding other emotions such as fear or insecurity. That’s why it is crucial to be conscious of our anger. It may be (and probably is) hiding other emotions that are just as important to identify, and potentially easier to deal with.

Most of us were taught we are not allowed to be angry, but we weren’t taught what to do about it when we are.

Last night, while having dinner with friends, Ann was telling us a story about how her four-year-old granddaughter got up from the dinner table and went to sit on the stairs. When asked why, she explained that she was angry at Daddy and needed a moment to cool down. At school, they taught her that when she wasn’t “green” (meaning calm and relaxed), she needed to find a way to calm herself down. She explained that she was “red’ at the moment and knew the best thing was to step away, take a few calming breaths, and get back to green. From a four-year-old!

Brilliant. A four-year-old can articulate and deal with a frustrating situation better than most 40-year-olds!

What makes you angry? Does a particular person or situation push your buttons? Knowing where your buttons are can help you avoid situations or prepare yourself because you see them coming.

Do you know what makes you angry? By being aware of your hot buttons you can prepare yourself when you see them coming.

Here are some techniques to handle your anger before it gets out of control:

– Keep a written log of your anger for a week. Include what makes you angry, who makes you angry, how you express it, your anger’s duration, and any thoughts that accompany it.

By being aware of your anger, you can learn to deal with it directly. When we are not mindful of our anger, we run the risk of taking our anger out on people who have nothing to do with the situation.

– Take several deep breaths before responding to the situation. We need to calm our heart rate, our pulse, and our minds so that we don’t further escalate the situation.

– Ask yourself, “Is it worth getting upset about?” If it truly is, ask yourself what is the best way for you to deal with this situation. Should you back away and respond tomorrow? Should you speak up in the moment? What should you say? How should you say it?

Everyone gets angry from time to time. The key is not to ignore it – rather, to accept it, deal with it appropriately, and learn from it.

I like the approach of walking away from the situation to get myself back to “green.” When I’m “green,” I have better clarity on what I should say or do. When I’m “red,” I am emotional and not professional.

Hope you’re having a green day today!

Article By, Rhonda Scharf

 

How to Deal with a Toxic Boss

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For sure nobody wants to work with toxic bosses such as those who take all credit but blame others when facing failure, but you better learn how to deal with them even when you’re able to get rid of one now because there are always such people out there.

Identify the toxic boss

According to Robert Half, not only do toxic people take credit for the work of their colleagues and or sub-ordinates, they also belittle each other’s efforts to make themselves look good.

Barbara Kellerman—the James MacGregor Buns Lecturer in Public Leadership at the Harvard Kennedy School—suggests in her book “Bad Leadership: What It Is, How It Happens, Why It Matters” that the basic toxic traits of a leader include the followings:

  • incompetence
  • rigidity
  • intemperance
  • callousness
  • corruption
  • insularity
  • evil

If you wonder whether or not you’re dealing with a toxic boss, you might want to refer to this article “7 Signs of a Toxic Manager That Should Be Stopped Immediately” .

What to do with a toxic boss

Make requests

Mary Abbajay, president and co-founder of US-headquartered organizational and leadership development consultancy Careerstone Group, advised that people should make requests rather than giving feedback when facing a toxic boss because he or she might not be open to hearing feedback about his or her failings.

When making a request, you have to be specific about the resources and support you need to do your job, explain your rationale and articulate the benefits to your boss and the organization, she writes.

You should also make your requests when your toxic boss is calm, she noted.

Be prepared: Your toxic boss could dismiss you the minute you give notice

If you really have to quit your job, Abbajay said a truly toxic boss could dismiss you the minute you give notice. So make sure you should prepare for it by having organized your personal belongings, contact information, important papers, and commendations before you hand in your notice.

Get proper documentation, just in case your boss accuses you of stealing

Your truly toxic boss might claim you’ve stolen something. To avoid that, make sure you’ve returned all company property promptly and properly and get proper documentation stating that you’ve returned all items, she advised.

Don’t bad-mouth the toxic boss

In a job interview and after getting a new job, you should stay professional by resisting the urge to bad mouth your toxic boss, she added. That’s because the HR manager who interviews you probably doesn’t know your boss and all he or she sees is unprofessional behavior.

While not all managers are toxic, there might be some whom you find it difficult to respect.

Article by, Teresa Leung As Appeared in https://www.cfoinnovation.com

7 Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People at Work

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No matter what industry you work in, sooner or later you are bound to deal with at least one very difficult person at work. Sometimes the difficult person is a customer, sometimes a coworker, and in some cases the difficult person is even a manager. While the exact method for dealing with the person may vary slightly depending on their position and the specific troubles, there are some general strategies that can be applied to most situations with difficult people.

1. Stay Calm and Focused

Difficult people can easily derail even the most reasonable and even tempered employee, but flying off the handle never improves the situation. By staying calm and focused on the task at hand, you may help to defuse the situation and calm the difficult person down.

2. See From the Other Person’s Eyes

Being yelled at or spoken to gruffly causes a natural defensive instinct to kick in. However, allowing this reaction to dictate the situation can cause escalation and make it difficult to remain productive. Being compassionate and trying to understand where the other person is coming from may help you to determine how best to approach the issue at hand.

3. Act with Respect

Maintaining a respectful attitude towards a difficult customer or coworker can be hard when it feels like the person is directly attacking you, but being disrespectful can aggravate the person. By adding fuel to the fire, you may also find yourself taking some of the blame and penalty. Maintaining respect for the person will help keep the situation civil and may make it easier to repair the relationship later on.

4. Help the Person Empathize with You

Explaining where you are coming from can make a world of difference in some situations. In some cases, people that seem difficult may be giving resistance because they feel that you are being difficult. Working through a situation can help both you and the other person to understand where one another are coming from.

5. Focus on Forward Motion

Finding a positive solution for a problem can help to deflate a situation by removing the stress component. Difficult people are often really just stressed out or frustrated people, so helping them to resolve the source of that stress can put the focus where it belongs instead of on you.

6. Separate from the Person

It may seem like a grade school solution, but if a difficult person remains difficult in spite of attempts to work with them or understand them, it might be necessary to stay away from the person as much as possible. This may be easier in some workplaces and positions than others. If necessary, it may help to speak with management or human resources to set up alternating work schedules or to request office location changes.

7. Escalate to Higher Authority

Bringing a personal conflict to management should be the last resort for resolution, but may be necessary if the difficult person is impacting your ability to work. Management has authority to make changes and provide solutions above and beyond what is possible for employees, so reporting to management can help to definitively resolve issues with difficult people.

 

Article By, Dave Rietsema
As Appeared in https://www.hrpayrollsystems.net/

Dealing with Difficult People – Practical Tips

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Like most of us, you may also have had to meet someone difficult to deal with or a negative person. Yes! Dealing with difficult people is a challenge. These people have negative feelings, oppose your ideas or simply do not like you.

However, you cannot avoid them all. You can avoid one or two people, but not every such person you meet. You have to accept them as part of your life; personal or professional. I had a colleague in my previous office who (I do not know how) could always find faults with anybody and everybody.

Unfortunately, he was my boss and I had to report him for everything I did. No matter how much effort I put into my job, I couldn’t please him, ever. In fact, he used to find faults and insult me publicly.

All this behavior infuriated me to the core and I could not control it, and lost my temper one day. And . . . as you may suspect . . . I lost my job the next day!

In my next job too there was a finicky colleague with whom I had to deal. But, now, being more mature, I vowed to myself that I will not lose the battle, only for the reason that other person is grumpy! I learned ways of dealing with difficult people.

Tips on Dealing with Difficult People

Below are some tips to handle difficult people.

1.  Focus on your own behavior

In this regard, there is one important fact to be learned before anything else. It is you who has to control your behavior with such people.

Any conflict may trigger your emotions and you will react or attack back to defend yourself; a natural instinct. It’s all about controlling your response towards difficult people and their actions/remarks. Focus on your behavior when dealing with difficult people

2.  Do not hold a grudge

If you hold grudges against someone who has been difficult to you, it is only you who is being hurt in the whole process.

Reacting to any kind negativity disturbs your inner peace, creating pain in you. Often people who initiate negativity are disturbed or frustrated themselves and they express it externally towards anybody who is in front of them. So why take it personally? Try to forgive the person and forget the incident.

3. Avoid conflicts of ego

If you happen to confront a difficult person, do not let your conflict turn into a battle of egos. Though reacting impulsively can be your natural reaction, it is not right.

You cannot resolve problems in this manner; rather relax and think of a better solution. Avoid ego when dealing with difficult people.

4. Allow things to cool down

Do not answer negativity with negativity as anger feeds anger and things become uncontrollable. Wait it out and let the things cool down. Now restart things with a new perspective. The takeway is, hold off responding back immediately and let things cool down.

5. Ignore provocations

Difficult people often like conflict and like to provoke others to confront them. If someone sends any negative message to you, just ignore it and avoid sending any response; good or bad. It will stop the cycle of negative snowballing and that person’s negative intentions.

6. Stop talking about your conflicts

It is often seen that people just love talking about their conflicts and problems. However, they do not understand that every time they repeat their story to someone who will listen, they are going through the situation again (which they hated). The more you talk about a person you dislike, the more you notice things about him or her. Thus, stop talking about your problems with others..

Conclusion – Dealing with difficult people

These are just a few ways that can help in dealing with difficult people. As time passes and maturity grows in you, you will have a kind of calmness in your inner being and a feeling to shrug off negativity initiated by others.

 

Article by, 

As appeared in https://www.wisdomtimes.com

Dealing with Difficult People – Practical Tips

/in , , , /by

Like most of us, you may also have had to meet someone difficult to deal with or a negative person. Yes! Dealing with difficult people is a challenge. These people have negative feelings, oppose your ideas or simply do not like you.

However, you cannot avoid them all. You can avoid one or two people, but not every such person you meet. You have to accept them as part of your life; personal or professional. I had a colleague in my previous office who (I do not know how) could always find faults with anybody and everybody.

Unfortunately, he was my boss and I had to report him for everything I did. No matter how much effort I put into my job, I couldn’t please him, ever. In fact, he used to find faults and insult me publicly.

All this behavior infuriated me to the core and I could not control it, and lost my temper one day. And . . . as you may suspect . . . I lost my job the next day!

In my next job too there was a finicky colleague with whom I had to deal. But, now, being more mature, I vowed to myself that I will not lose the battle, only for the reason that other person is grumpy! I learned ways of dealing with difficult people.

Tips on Dealing with Difficult People

Below are some tips to handle difficult people.

1.  Focus on your own behavior

In this regard, there is one important fact to be learned before anything else. It is you who has to control your behavior with such people.

Any conflict may trigger your emotions and you will react or attack back to defend yourself; a natural instinct. It’s all about controlling your response towards difficult people and their actions/remarks. Focus on your behavior when dealing with difficult people

2.  Do not hold a grudge

If you hold grudges against someone who has been difficult to you, it is only you who is being hurt in the whole process.

Reacting to any kind negativity disturbs your inner peace, creating pain in you. Often people who initiate negativity are disturbed or frustrated themselves and they express it externally towards anybody who is in front of them. So why take it personally? Try to forgive the person and forget the incident.

3. Avoid conflicts of ego

If you happen to confront a difficult person, do not let your conflict turn into a battle of egos. Though reacting impulsively can be your natural reaction, it is not right.

You cannot resolve problems in this manner; rather relax and think of a better solution. Avoid ego when dealing with difficult people.

4. Allow things to cool down

Do not answer negativity with negativity as anger feeds anger and things become uncontrollable. Wait it out and let the things cool down. Now restart things with a new perspective. The takeway is, hold off responding back immediately and let things cool down.

5. Ignore provocations

Difficult people often like conflict and like to provoke others to confront them. If someone sends any negative message to you, just ignore it and avoid sending any response; good or bad. It will stop the cycle of negative snowballing and that person’s negative intentions.

6. Stop talking about your conflicts

It is often seen that people just love talking about their conflicts and problems. However, they do not understand that every time they repeat their story to someone who will listen, they are going through the situation again (which they hated). The more you talk about a person you dislike, the more you notice things about him or her. Thus, stop talking about your problems with others..

Conclusion – Dealing with difficult people

These are just a few ways that can help in dealing with difficult people. As time passes and maturity grows in you, you will have a kind of calmness in your inner being and a feeling to shrug off negativity initiated by others.

Article by,
As appeared on https://www.wisdomtimes.com

 

4 types of difficult co-workers and how to deal with them without losing your mind

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Everyone wants to work in a friendly and productive environment, but sometimes even one bad co-worker can make getting your job done seem near impossible.

Psychologist Amy Cooper Hakim, an expert on employer-employee relationships, says this is a problem many people face.

“The biggest issues stem from improper communication, poor tactics,” Hakim tells CNBC. “We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.”

In a revised version of the book “Working With Difficult People, ” which was originally written by Hakim’s grandmother, Hakim details how to deal with virtually every type of exhausting co-worker, including bosses and subordinates.

Here are few types of difficult co-workers, along with some tips on how to handle them:

1. Tacklers

A “tackler” is a coworker who attacks you personally while arguing an issue, according to Hakim.

“These colleagues are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration and tackle you instead of the problem,” she writes.

Don’t stop suggesting great ideas just because you have a co-worker like this. Try to move the emphasis away from people and back to the issue or idea, the psychologist suggests. Or talk with the co-worker privately.

“Say that you’d like to have a better relationship and ask how she thinks you might be able to resolve your differences,” Hakim writes.

If that tactic still doesn’t work, consider your options. Hakim advises that if the tackler has many friends in high places, try to just concentrate on doing your job and make more friends, as an ongoing feud could hurt your ability to advance.

If, on the other hand, the situation is truly unbearable, get help.

“For those circumstances where you cannot handle a hostile colleague alone, quickly contact the appropriate resources to get the help that you need,” she writes.

2. Enviers

“These peers are resentful,” Hakim writes. “They want what you have. More than that, they believe they should have what you have.”

Even a simple “Congratulations” can feel insincere or even hostile. So what do you do? Limit your communication with that kind of co-worker and do your part to keep your talks friendly, advises the psychologist.

If the envious coworker starts to attack you personally, Hakim suggests you try to guide the conversation back to the issue at hand, taking emotion out of the conversation.

You could say something like, “C’mon, Blake, I don’t want to argue about that. We can be civil to each other.” If the situation doesn’t change, leave.

Oftentimes, Hakim writes, these co-workers are lashing out because they’re insecure about their own jobs. Encouraging co-workers to find a project or skill that excites them could be a great way to deflect any negative feelings.

If things escalate to the point where you can no longer do your job effectively, consider talking with an HR manager or your supervisor.

3. Intimidators

This is the office version of the middle-school bully. Intimidators get you to do what they want by implying they can embarrass you or hurt your career.

It’s important to remember, though, that the status of the person matters: “An intimidating boss who can fire you has real power over you; an intimidating colleague has perceived power, ” Hakim writes.

To feel more comfortable when dealing with this type of co-worker, the psychologist suggests you rehearse responses, such as, “You’re not serious, are you?” or “I don’t feel totally comfortable with that.”

You can stand up for yourself and be assertive without sounding angry.

Create a kind of bubble, the psychologist suggests. Imagine a barrier between you and the co-worker that protects you from his threats. Put as much actual physical space as possible between yourself and the negative person, too.

Keeping an electronic record of interactions between you and the “intimidator” could also be helpful in case you need to discuss the issue with a supervisor or HR manager.

4. Imposers

You helped a co-worker get acclimated to the office or with a difficult project and she won’t stop knocking on your door.

“Imposers take unfair advantage of your time, talent and good nature,” Hakim writes. “Colleagues such as these are just plain self-centered and inconsiderate of others.”

The simplest solution is to apologize, say that you are too backed up with your own work and then decline to help. You could suggest she reach out to another co-worker or supervisor.

You can say something like, “I’m sorry, Maya, I can see you’re in a bind, but I can’t help you because I’m so far behind in my own work. Maybe Sebastian isn’t as busy and can help?”

A key takeaway

With any negative working situation, if you feel like you cannot handle the issue yourself or truly feel in danger, do not be afraid to ask for help. A bad co-worker doesn’t mean that you should dread going to work. And more often than not, the issue can be resolved, according to Hakim.

“It’s to everyone’s benefit to fix these problems,” the psychologist tells CNBC.

You can ask a sympathetic co-worker for his or her advice, meet with an HR manager or talk to your boss. Try to separate your emotion from how you communicate. For more detailed tips, check out Hakim’s book.

If you need a little inspiration, check out a career strategist’s tips for dealing with a job you hate.


Article By, Marguerite Ward
As appeared on www.cnbc.com

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

  • Different cultures and assumptions
  • Differing values, opinions and beliefs
  • Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
  • Poor people skills, especially communication
  • Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
  • Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

  • Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
  • Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
  • Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
  • Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
  • Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

Are you caught in a conflict at work? What are the roots of that conflict? Do you feel that you, your manager or your colleagues are dealing with it effectively? If not, what are your suggestions?

Article By, Gill Corkindale , As appeared on https://hbr.org/

 

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by, Tony Schwartz As appeared in https://hbr.org

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working. Become a fan of The Energy Projecton Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

Dealing With Difficult People

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Troublesome people can offer your best chance to shine

After 15 years in retail management, Lynnette Vyles was done. She was scared because she didn’t have another job lined up, but the constant stream of rude customers had become too much to bear.

“I had never just turned in my keys and left a job,” Vyles said. “I had always given at least two weeks’ notice when resigning, but I was at a point in my life that I just couldn’t take any more.”

Vyles recalled one grueling interaction with a customer who was trying to return clothing that was at least a year old. The clothes had been washed, the tags had long been removed, and the customer had no receipts. Yet she insisted on exchanging her old stuff for brand new garments.

“I first asked the customer why she was returning so much clearly worn merchandise. Her answer was, ‘Because my kids need new stuff.’ I was floored,” Vyles said.

Vyles patiently explained the company’s return policy, but the customer kept pushing to get her way. First, she started yelling. Then she began hurling insults and merchandise at Vyles. Another manager was called in to address the situation, but the customer’s anger continued to escalate. It took an arrest to stop her tirade.

“She refused to leave, stating I was violating her civil rights as a customer by refusing to return the merchandise. I told her I was not refusing, I was simply not going to give her back full price since she did not have receipts,” Vyles said.

When The Customer Is Wrong

Anyone who works with the general public likely has similar stories of nightmare clients and awful customers—people who expect everything, yet give nothing but grief in return. They can be cruel, quick to anger, and stretch our patience to the breaking point.

Social interactions are supposed to be civil. If there is a dispute, we should be able to work it out in a reasonable fashion. But what do we do when we’re faced with someone who defies reason? And how do they get that way?

Vyles believes the culture of modern retail—where the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong—contributes to the type of behavior she’s been forced to confront.

“People know that if they yell loud enough and make enough of a scene they will get what they want,” she said.

But it’s more than just the retail environment. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and psychology professor at California State University–Los Angeles, there are a number of social developments eroding our civility.

“Empathy has gone the way of the 8-track, and kindness has become a unicorn,” Durvasula said. “This is the psychological equivalent of global warming. It’s a slow burn that is destroying us.”

Errant Self Esteem

Psychologists used to worry about people suffering from low self-esteem, but now there is a growing concern of the opposite problem. In a world of selfies, social media, and heavily promoted dreams of wealth and fame, people have developed an inflated sense of self and will stop at nothing to feed it.

Durvasula is an expert on narcissism—a personality disorder characterized by self obsession and a lack of concern for others. The word comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus: The tale of a beautiful young man who rejected his admirers, but became so enthralled by his own reflection that it totally consumed him.

A fixation on our own desires to the exclusion of everyone else’s is an ancient concept, but Durvasula believes the modern environment is helping it spread like an obnoxious disease. She’s currently working on a book that explores this problem.

“We have incentivized narcissism—manifested via consumerism, materialism, billionaire worship, entitlement, etc.—and are heartbroken when it touches our lives at the individual level,” she said.

We all must carry some self-interest to get along in the world. It allows us to make purposeful decisions, and stand up for our needs. For a narcissist, however, self-interest is the sole motivation.

Although narcissists seem supremely confident in pursuit of their selfishness, Durvasula says they are actually deeply insecure. Her advice for dealing with people who use dirty tactics to meet their needs is to keep our own personal standards high.

“Don’t get into the mud with them.  If they are yelling, keep your voice calm.  If they insult you, do not engage, just step away,” she said. “Your power comes from being graceful, calm, and serene.”

Under Pressure

Not all the difficult people we encounter are full-blown narcissists. Sometimes we confront otherwise kind people who are just having a bad day.

Dr. Heather Hammerstedt, is a doctor and integrative nutrition coach who works nights at a trauma center. One thing she has observed in her 18 years as an emergency physician is that when people are under stress, civility often flies out the window.

“They are not able to function in their kind adult brain, even when they have a kind adult brain,” Hammerstedt said. “They act in their toddler brain. They literally can’t connect the right and left sides of their brains, and act primitively.”

Whether it’s an irate customer or an obnoxious family member, it can be tough to rise above the insults and screaming when their attack is directed squarely at you. But Durvasula says that when we take this kind of conduct personally, we become defensive, and our own behavior quickly deteriorates.

“Stop taking it personally,” Durvasula said. “When they are tantruming they are no different than toddlers, but you wouldn’t defend yourself to a two-year-old. When a person is difficult and entitled they often lack empathy and simply do not care about the perspective of the other, so stop wasting it on them. It only psychologically exhausts you and doesn’t change the situation.”

So how do you fight the impulse to defend? Paige Harley, a professional relationship coach and mediator specializing in conflict management, urges us to stay on the offensive.

“Listening is an offensive strategy, and it can become a powerful tool,” Harley said. “I ask my clients to cultivate a ‘seek to understand’ mentality. You do not need to agree with the other person, you just need to understand what they are asking for, as this is how solutions are found.”

We can do this most effectively if we set boundaries on what we’re available to do. According to Vyles, the key to handling a difficult person is to stay proactive, not reactive. “I would not react to the tantrum but, rather, tell the customer what I could do to help them,” she said.

Cultivating Compassion

When we are up against rudeness, yelling, and insults, it helps to have a few moments to collect ourselves (a short walk, a few deep breaths) so that we don’t react to a bad situation in a regrettable way.

However, if you can’t step away, and have to keep calm in the face of someone who is losing their cool, try to realize that you are dealing with a tortured soul.

Joy Rains, author of  “Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind,” says that when we’re confronted with people who are rude, unreasonable, entitled, or demanding, that’s the time we need to tap into our compassion.

“If an animal was wounded and hurting, you would probably feel compassion for the animal. It’s likely that a person with difficult behavior is also hurting at some level,” Rains said. “If you approach them with compassion, it helps you see that their behavior is likely not about you, it’s about their approach to the world.”

One way to practice compassion is to look at the person as someone with needs and desires just like you. In a perfect world, everyone would possess the skills to meet their needs in constructive and considerate ways. But understand that people in the real world are working with serious deficits when it comes to strategies for getting what they want.

“Realize they’re trying to get their needs met in the best way they know how. Forgive them for not being able to take a perfect approach,” Rains said.

Valuable Lessons

Vanessa Valiente, a personal stylist and fashion blogger in San Diego, says she comes from a family filled with difficult people. But she sees her background more as a blessing than a curse.

“Growing up with, and loving difficult people has been an invaluable lesson that will last a lifetime,” Valiente said.

Valiente believes that people who are quick to anger when they don’t get their way often suffer from deep unhappiness. It’s not so much a sense of entitlement. Instead, they are “blinded by their trauma.”

“They are paying forward any kind of abuse, lack of control, neglect or abandonment they have experienced, especially in their most formative years. Most don’t realize what they are doing,” she said. “Those who do realize what they are doing most likely don’t know why they are doing it.”

Valiente’s number one rule in dealing with difficult people is to be kind and professional.

“Be decisive about your kindness, smile strong, don’t let them see you waiver, and be efficient in accommodating their requests,” she said. “This works 99 percent of the time,”

If the person still won’t budge, Valiente suggests adopting a tougher attitude.

“Tough does not mean rude or passive-aggressive,” she said. “Tough means turn off the smile and turn up the efficiency. Be clear with your expectations, use fewer words, and get the job done.”

Valiente remembers one time where she was working on a television show when the main actress refused to wear what the costume designer had picked out. The actress ranted endlessly about her “ugly outfit,” and all the other things that annoyed her about the set, but Valiente was responsible for keeping the production on schedule. So she dropped the nice persona and got down to business.

“In a very firm voice, with no smile, I said, ‘We are all hot. We are all working really hard long hours. I am the first one here and the last to leave. Now, I understand you don’t want to wear this outfit, so just tell me what you want to wear and I will make it happen,’” Valiente said.

The actress immediately deflated, apologized, and told Valiente exactly what she wanted to wear. “As I walked this actress to set, she genuinely thanked me. And we got back to work,” Valiente said.

Unfortunately, even if we do everything right, some people still can’t be reasoned with. A few may even become more difficult the better we behave. However, the example you set for bystanders can still be a win.

When Vyles was dealing with the woman trying to return her clothes, the other customers standing nearby took notice. They told the arresting officers about how calm she remained. The next day, one of those customers came in with a gift.

“This customer was so upset by what she saw and impressed with my handling of the situation that she wanted to come back and give me a cake to enjoy,” Vyles remembers. “She said that she felt like I might enjoy something sweet instead of something ugly. That was one of the nicest things a customer had ever done for me in my 15 years.”


Article By, CONAN MILNER, As Appeared in EPOCH TIMES

How to deal with employees who don’t get along

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Any business will have employees who don’t get along from time to time. Whether it’s because of differences in their personalities, lifestyles, opinions or some other factor, sometimes employees just don’t mesh.

And when there’s discord in the workplace, it affects everybody.

The resulting tension not only makes the office environment uncomfortable – it can also negatively impact your business’s productivity.

At the same time, the old saying that iron sharpens iron represents the upside of the situation. Handled constructively, employee conflict can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation and enhanced creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully turn conflict into consensus between feuding employees.

Step 1. Understand the nature of the conflict

It’s often tempting to make assumptions about conflict, especially if rumors are circulating. But don’t assume anything. Instead, figure out what’s fueling the disagreement between your employees.

First and foremost, make sure you’re not dealing with an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) issue, such as workplace harassment or discrimination. Become familiar with your company’s harassment prevention polices and guidelines, if you aren’t already. And if you don’t have these types of policies currently in place, make that a priority.

Remember, with harassment, it’s not the intent of the behavior but how the behavior is perceived.

Once you’ve ruled out any EEOC issues, what are some other underlying circumstances that may be causing or worsening the conflict? Are there clashing work styles at play? Is it a high-stress environment? Is a new project creating tight deadlines? What about a difficult client? Are some employees spreading gossip or bullying coworkers?

There may be a variety of factors causing hostility among your employees. Getting an initial read on what’s at the heart of the matter is essential to successfully resolving the issue and avoiding future conflict.

Step 2. Encourage employees to work it out themselves

As a business leader, you want your employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. After all, you’re their supervisor or manager – not their mother.

Keep in mind that reacting to every worker complaint may actually heighten the drama and make the situation worse. Doing so could even cause some employees to think you’re playing favorites.

That doesn’t mean that encouraging your team to manage issues on their own won’t require a little facilitating on your part, especially if you have employees who tend to avoid confrontation.

Provide guidance or talking points, if needed, to help each employee approach the other person in a positive manner. Don’t set the expectation that you’ll fix the problem for them. You can facilitate the discussion, but that’s where you should draw the line.

Always use your best judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Consider taking a structured approach like this one:

  • Determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and define the severity of the conflict.
  • Once you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know you’re aware of the situation.
  • Then, encourage open communication and resolution among the employees involved. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

When people work together, disagreements will occasionally happen. That’s a given. But disrespect is another story.

Employees who don’t get along should still treat each other with respect and make an effort to listento the other person’s side. Using words such as “I feel” (instead of “you did”) can also help prevent the conversation from becoming defensive.

Conflict resolution doesn’t necessarily have to end in agreement. Sometimes, it’s best to agree to disagree, respectfully. When that happens, employees should acknowledge there is a difference of opinion or approach, and come up with a solution together on how to move forward.

Keep the focus on behavior and problems rather than people.

Step 3. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out on their own and you’ll be forced to step in. If ignored, employee disputes can infect the entire workplace and eventually taint the reputation of your company. Other employees may find themselves unintentionally drawn into the conflict. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity.

Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts. Make sure the message is clear that all employees, regardless of position and tenure, will be held accountable for their behavior. Let them know that if established standards aren’t met, it could lead to disciplinary action.

Step 4. Listen to both sides

When it’s time to get involved, start by dismissing any gossip that may be buzzing around the office, and don’t buy into whatever you hear.

Instead, deal with the two individuals or groups of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about other staff members later. Most employees want to feel listened to or acknowledged, so ask each person responsible to explain their side of the story.

Before deciding whether to meet with the disagreeing parties together or separately, try to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. Remember, you’re there to discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees together might work best, provide each with uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward. This is basically a mediated version of step two.

Whatever you do, don’t take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse. As a business leader, you need to be as objective as possible.

For conflict resolution to be successful, it’s important that your company train supervisors and managers to coach employees in this area. Poorly trained managers can make the situation worse, which can lead to low morale, disengaged employees and even increased turnover.

Step 5. Determine the real issue, together

Often, the actual cause of an employee argument is clouded by emotions. By the time the issue is brought to a manager’s attention, the squabbling employees may already be angry and defensive. That’s why it’s important to slow things down and listen.

To get beyond this emotional wall to the truth of things, encourage each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Treating emotional symptoms alone only puts a temporary Band-Aid over the issue. Get to the crux of the matter, so you can find a permanent solution that won’t be as susceptible to future flare-ups.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this yourself, or you don’t think you can be impartial, consider working with an experienced HR professional to handle the situation.

Step 6. Consult your employee handbook

Reviewing pertinent company policies in your employee handbook may shed light on the best approach to solving the problem. Sticking to the common ground rules that every employee is expected to follow at all times can be a practical way to remain objective.

Some examples of policies you should include in your employee handbook, if they aren’t already, are guidelines for appropriate conduct and conflict resolution. Conflict based on a protected class falls into the category of harassment or discrimination, as referenced under step one.

So, your handbook should contain these policies, as well as a policy against harassment/discrimination and instructions on how to file a complaint.

To help ensure you reach a fair resolution, make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above workplace rules. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 7. Find a solution

Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. And don’t forget – there’s good and bad conflict. Help employees learn the difference.

Don’t completely rule out organizational changes, either.

Sometimes, if it comes down to it, you can improve employee focus and the workplace dynamic by reorganizing teams. It may be helpful to give the employees involved time to “cool off” before they work together again.

You have a business to run, and if the conflict continues, it could seriously affect productivity and performance. Recognize when it’s time to re-evaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 8. Write it up

Whether employees like it or not, it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. Recording these events will help you monitor behavior over time and notice repeat offenders that may be negatively impacting your office.

By handling and documenting incidents properly, you can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. It’s essential that you write down factual information from each employee-related incident. Be sure to include the counseling or written memorandum concerning the employees’ conduct in their HR file.

Include the who, what, when, where and how, as well as the resolution that all parties agreed on and committed to uphold.

Step 9. Teach them how to communicate

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these types of problems likely have communication issues already. If there’s a lot of discord among your staff, it’s probably time to teach them some basic communication and problem-solving techniques.

Personality assessments and training, such as the DiSC® profile, may help your employees communicate more effectively as a team. These courses teach employees how to articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn can help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 10. Lead by example

Set the standard for employees who don’t get along – and employees in general.

Building a culture of engaged employees, who respect each other and work well together, is a top-down proposition. By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that fosters integrity and communication. When you’re open and honest, employees are more likely to follow suit.

So much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. Leading by example becomes almost automatic when you simply reinforce and uphold your company’s values, policies and guidelines in an objective way.

You’ll build trust company-wide by not expecting anything from your employees that you don’t require of yourself.

Article by Megan Moran
As appeared on insperity.com

 

 

How to Deal with Difficult People

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Colleagues, coworkers, bosses and so many others can rub you the wrong way and spark feelings like anger or anxiety that can get in the way of doing your job. In the business world, they’re called “difficult” but we often call them by other names.

You’ll run across difficult people (also known as people you don’t see eye-to-eye with) in all walks of life, but it seems like you happen across a lot of them when you’re an engineer, says Paul McWhorter. He’s now a high school electrical engineering teacher in Eldorado, TX, who had worked as an engineer for 20 years.

McWhorter also teaches a high-school class called “Success,” that helps students learn career skills like preparing for a job interview.  “If you’re the person who can work with anyone, your career will have a distinct advantage,” he tells students in that class.

Easier said than done of course. How do you become the person who plays well with others, even those displaying less-than-agreeable personality traits? Most experts agree on one piece of advice: See the situation from the so-called difficult person’s point of view. And then, be willing to make yourself vulnerable by revealing something of your true self to the person who is bothering you.

“We’re all someone’s difficult person,” says Monica Wofford, chief executive officer of Contagious Companies, a business coaching and training firm. She’s author of the book, Make Difficult People Disappear: How to Deal with Stressful Behavior and Eliminate Conflict.

For You: How to Mentor Young Engineers

When we perceive others as being difficult, what we’re really seeing is the behavior they use to protect themselves against their perceived aggression or fear. Everyone relies on protective behaviors to one degree or another, Wofford says.

“Maybe you look at the bully who you are aghast is losing her mind in this manner and you ask yourself, ‘What’s really there? What’s the fear behind this behavior?’” Wofford says.

“Or maybe you look at those stuck in analysis paralysis and ask yourself, ‘What are they afraid of if they don’t make the right decision?’”

Identifying what prompts protective behavior can help defuse your own feelings of anger or fear, she adds. Or, as Brian Tracy puts it: “People who attack you have problems because they’re angry or frustrated or want to take advantage of you.”

Tracy has authored more than 70 self-development books, most of them geared for business professionals, including the best-selling Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time.

He advises those in situations with someone who is angry or frustrated to take a deep breath, calm down, and go slow. “Don’t let their anger or frustration affect you,” Tracy says. “Instead, smile. Don’t feed the fire by arguing. Smiling and not saying anything is like a time out.”

When you do say something, ask a question. A good way to take control of a negative situation is to ask a question, Tracy says. You might ask: Why do you say that? Why do you feel that way? How did you come to that point of view?

“Rather than attack, simply ask a question and be about what they’re thinking or feeling,” Tracy says. “Sometimes it turns out they have a good reason for their actions, like they’re misunderstanding or have a difficult problem in their lives.”

Remember, too, that the people we stamp as difficult may better be classed as “different than us,” Wofford says. “The difficulty is not one behavior or another. It’s a collection of things we probably call ‘different’ because they’re different than the way we’d do things,” she says.

“It may be that we have a boss that doesn’t get us and we may not get him or her,” Wofford adds. “We don’t understand their directions and how they function and so we stamp them as difficult. I don’t see difficult people, I see different people,” she says.

Wofford offers a good piece of advice on how to deal with those who are different than us: “Start focusing on how the coworker isn’t really a big pain in your neck and difficult. Start to see your differences and ask about them,” she says.

It’s the asking that makes us vulnerable. The person you’re asking questions of may strike back in anger. But, then again, they may not. Asking questions leads up to a true conversation that helps us better see the other’s point of view and that calms the situation, Wofford says.

In short, it seems that dealing with differences and difficulties comes down to asking questions.


Article by, Jean Thilmany,
Jean Thilmany is an independent writer.

9 Useful Strategies to Dealing with Difficult People at Work

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Ever encountered someone who frustrates you so much that you feel like you want to pull your hair, jump around the room and just scream out loud? You’re not alone.

Over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of difficult people. People who don’t turn their work in as promised, people who don’t show up for meetings, people who stick vehemently to their views and refuse to collaborate, people who push back on work that they’re responsible for – and more. Even as I run my own business, I work on collaboration projects and there are times where there are difficulties in getting a consensus because everyone is so firm in their views.

Years ago, I used to get bothered and worked up over such situations. I’d think, “Why are these people being so difficult?”, “These people are so irresponsible!”, “Just my luck to work with them” or “I don’t ever want to work with these people again!”.

After a while, I learned that these people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you can never hide from them. Sure, it might be possible to avoid the 1st one or two difficult people, but how about the 3rd, 5th, 10th person you encounter? Hiding isn’t a permanent solution. What’s more, in the context of work, it’s usually difficult to avoid or hide from someone, unless you quit from a job totally. Well – I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem feasible to quit every time someone has an opposing view or is being difficult.

So rather than turn to some drastic decisions each time, why not equip yourself with the skills to deal with them?

Here’s 9 tips which I’ve found to work in dealing with such people:

  1. Be calm.Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.

    Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.

  2. Understand the person’s intentions.I’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
  3. Get some perspective from others.In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
  4. Let the person know where you are coming from.One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
  5. Build a rapport.With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
  6. Treat the person with respect.No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the person with disrespect, it’s not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
  7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn’t do. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
  8. Ignore.If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn’t feasible in cases where the person plays a critical role in your work – which leads us to our last tip.
  9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn’t be used unless you’ve completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn’t want your manager to think that you are incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise.

Try out these 9 tips for the difficult people you face at your workplace and see how they work out for you 🙂

Article By, Celestine Chua
As appeared on https://www.businessinsider.com

 

How to Deal with Difficult People

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Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity and strife.

To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember when it comes to difficult people and the impact that they have on you is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

Step 1: Rise Above

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so. Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above (Step 1) a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can set limits, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

Step 3: Talk About It

There’s nothing wrong with venting to family and friends about a difficult person, but the idea here is to use it as a means of moving forward. Venting is a great way to release tension and get some social support for your problems, but to mix things up and improve your situation, you need to tell the people that you vent to exactly what you’re doing about the person. Share your specific plans for Rising Above (Step 1) and Setting Boundaries (Step 2). This way, the people in your support system can give you feedback and guidance as you pursue these steps. They will be able to more easily see when your emotions are getting the better of you, and can help you to maintain a rational perspective. When it comes to boundaries, you’re going to find your support system asking a lot of great “what if” questions to help you consider new ways to set boundaries. The quality of this feedback will depend on getting a detailed account of what you’re trying to accomplish in dealing with the difficult person. If your support people don’t understand that you have a plan, they may just feed the problem by getting you riled up over how terrible it is that you’re stuck with a difficult person.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with your problem person. When you find yourself being tested, refer back to the specific strategies recommended for you by the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal test that came with your Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. These strategies will help you avoid getting blindsided by areas that are not your emotional intelligence strengths. Here are three additional strategies from Emotional Intelligence 2.0 you’ll want to consider, as they are very helpful in dealing with difficult people:

  1. Self-Management Strategy #9
  2. Social Awareness Strategy #11
  3. Self-Management Strategy #4 


ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People

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We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.

Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.

In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.

“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.

The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.

After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?

Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.

Complainers

Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.

Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.

Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.

When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.

“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”

Cynics

Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.

Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.

Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”

Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.

Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.

Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.

If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”

The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.

Controllers

Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.

Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.

Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”

Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.

Caretakers

Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.

Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.

Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.

“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.

Article By  ,
As appeared on www.cio.com

Meridith Levinson covers Careers, Project Management and Outsourcing for CIO.com. Follow Meridith on Twitter @meridith. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline and on Facebook. Email Meridith at mlevinson@cio.com.

4 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them

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We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! And they are exhausting, frustrating and annoying—but I have some ways to help you deal with difficult people.

Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:

1. Identify the 4 Types

There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:

  • Downers are also known as Negative Nancy’s or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
  • Better Thans are also known as Know It All’s, One Upper’s or Show-Offs. They like to try to impress you, name-drop and compare.
  • Passives are also known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
  • Tanks are also known as being explosive, a handful or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.

2. Don’t Try to Change Them

When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends our instinct is to try to change them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.

3. Try to Understand Them

The way to disengage a difficult person is to try to understand where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try to dominate a situation.

4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic

Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive aggressive, mean or hurtful. So if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful so you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less and if you have to be with them, do it for the minimum amount of time.

Hi, I'm Vanessa!Article by, Vanessa! As appeared on www.scienceofpeople.com

Lead Investigator, Science of People

I’m the author of the national bestselling book Captivate, creator of People School, and human behavioral investigator in our lab.

 

How to Deal with Difficult People

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by Hadassah Silberstein
MyLife Essay Contest

The sound of her unnecessarily aggressive chewing drives you crazy. You cringe every time he opens his mouth. You cannot remain in one room with her for too long before you get irritated. More often than not, your conversations with him turn into arguments. When you aren’t with her, you find every opportunity to complain about her annoying habits.  You dismiss the qualities that other people seem to admire about him, since to you his virtues seem insincere or unimpressive. This person may be your parent, sibling, spouse, roommate, coworker or friend. We all have at least one of them in our lives.

Tension in our close relationships can put a huge strain on our mental and emotional well-being.  Thousands of books have been written on the topic and there is hardly a human being who doesn’t wonder how they can make the difficult relationships in their lives just a little bit better. In this essay, we will discuss some of the classic tips and techniques explored in popular self-help books (specifically How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie) and contrast it with the unique approach taken by the fourth Lubavitcher Rebbe (known as the Rebbe Rashab), in his famous essay titled Heichaltzu.

Winning Friends

The first step in the approach that many self-help books take is to study the inherent weaknesses of the people around you, in order to develop techniques for interacting with them effectively. One of the most popular books on the subject is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, a bestseller that has sold over 16 million copies. In his first chapter he presents the principle that he uses as the basis for his suggested techniques for dealing with difficult people: “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity”.  In other words, as long as we understand that the people around us are naturally self-centered, irrational and vain, we will be able to get along with them better by simply feeding into their egotism and selfishness.

Carnegie suggests practical tips such as calling others by their first name, speaking in terms of the other person’s interests, smiling, making the other person feel important, and admitting that you are wrong.  These are based on the premise that the person you are dealing with is an attention seeking, unreasonable being who can easily be maneuvered if we use the right techniques. Although Carnegie does emphasize at various points in the book that when employing his techniques, they must be ‘sincere’, it is clear that the underlying message of the book is primarily manipulative. This message is evident in his title “How to Win Friends” and is expressed most blatantly at the beginning of chapter 3:

“Personally, I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’ Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?”

Carnegie’s techniques may be useful in persuading people to behave as you please and gaining superficial popularity. However in addition to being both condescending and manipulative, it falls short when trying to apply these techniques to improving a close or long-term relationship in any meaningful way. Employing superficial tricks to manipulate the people around you to your liking does not have any long lasting impact and certainly does not help you develop healthy, close connections with them.

Nothing as Practical as a Good Theory

There are many who study the teachings of Chassidus and claim that they are not practical or relevant to the common person. Chassidus often speaks about esoteric ideas and even the more psychological parts of it seem to have unrealistic expectations. Rabbi Yoel Kahn, a well-known scholar and teacher of Chassidus, once addressed the question of the relevance of Chassidus in the  twenty-first century:

“Is the fact that the perimeter of a square is larger than the circumference of the circle inscribed in it, a concept that only exists within the human experience, or is this part of objective reality? Obviously, even if there were no humans in the world, the perimeter of the square would still be larger than the circle. This is a fact that exists regardless of human experience. While it is true that when a person learns a fact like that, it becomes part of his own knowledge and experience, nevertheless it remains a fact even without him.

“The same is true in our personal development. For example, when the Rabbis say “Be humble before every person”, their intention is not just that a person should behave in a humble  way in front of another person. In a certain way, one is truly more “lowly” than the other person. It is irrelevant whether the person can sense this or not. It is a fact. The instruction to the person is merely that he meditate on this truth, until his mind reaches the same conclusion, which will then lead to humble thoughts and behavior.”

We often believe that the best way to remedy a situation is by finding concrete, quantifiable steps that will get rid of the symptoms. However, these behaviors merely create the illusion of change, without transforming the person’s underlying perspectives that are at the root of their unhealthy habits. If we are looking for real internal change, we need to remember that there is nothing as practical as a good theory. The approach of Chassidus is to expose us to the truth of reality, so we can shift our perspective on the world and on the people around us. Once we align our thought pattern with that reality, our behavior changes much more naturally and authentically. In the words of the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, “Chassidus did not come to make us more religious, it came to make us wiser.”

Using this approach, we can now look at how Heichaltzu deals with the issue of difficult relationships. Like in other areas of Chassidus, the Rebbe Rashab describes the objective reality, in the hopes that this gained perspective will cause the difficulty in the relationship to dissipate automatically. In contrast to the previous approach, the approach of Chassidus will be about honest introspection , rather than behavioral manipulation.

Taking up Space

Everything in the physical world takes up space. Some take up physical space, some take up emotional or conceptual space. When an object takes up space, by definition, nothing else can stand in its place. The more space an object takes up, the less room there is for anything else. This is true of both physical and metaphysical space. The first thing we need to become aware of when dealing with other people is that  by virtue of the fact that we exist, we take up space. The more space we create for our own existence, the less space we leave for the people around us. The more importance we attribute to our own feelings, thoughts, opinions and preferences, the less room there is for someone else to express theirs. The previous Lubavitcher Rebbe records a famous story about a man who complained to the Tzemach Tzedek (3rd Lubavitcher Rebbe), “Everyone in the Beit Midrash (study hall) is stepping on me!” The Tzemach tzedek replied, “When you spread yourself across the entire floor of the Beit Midrash, they have nowhere else to step, except on you.”

The root of our intolerance is the fact that our own ego is suffering from emotional claustrophobia and cannot tolerate having another person invade its space. In the words of the Rebbe Rashab, “His opposition to the other person is not due to a specific quality, but due to the fact the other exists. The other’s existence diminishes his own ego. This then leads him to oppose the other and makes him incapable of tolerating him.” The frustration we have with the people around us doesn’t start from the negative qualities or habits we attribute to them. Those are all justifications we invent once the other person’s presence poses a threat to our own. We then develop defense mechanisms to “protect our space”. Arbitrary mannerisms or habits begin to annoy us, we dismiss any positive qualities the person has, we feel the need to disagree with that person on every issue that arises, we magnify any fault the person has and complain about them to others, we blame the person for anything that goes wrong, we secretly mourn their successes and celebrate their failures. Some of these habits might sound immediately familiar, while others may require some introspection, but all are symptoms of the same core issue.

Identifying these feelings and habits and recognizing where they are coming from will naturally begin to shift the dynamic in our relationships. We’ll start to realize that perhaps it’s not that the people are difficult, but that we have difficulty with people. Instead of placing all our expectations on the people around to bend around our opinions and preferences in order to make the relationship work, we can instead turn inward and look to change our own mind frame. This doesn’t mean simply adopting new behaviors or repeating a mantra in our heads. Rather, it is about facing the truth about ourselves and how our inflated sense of self breeds the negative emotions we suffer from.

Putting Theory Into Practice

Applying this approach to our relationships takes honest introspection which will naturally lead to a gradual shift in our thought patterns, and eventually our speech and behavior. Next time we are dealing with a difficult person in our lives, we may consider the message of Heichaltzu and ask ourselves:

  • What makes my feelings or opinions more valid than the other person’s?
  • Are my frustrations with the other person a reflection of objective reality?
  • Can I recognize and respect the other person’s positive qualities?
  • Am I blaming the other person for things that are not their fault?
  • Can I allow the other person to be different than me and still respect them for it?
  • Can I put aside my own feelings or opinions in order to make space for the other person’s?
  • Can I rejoice in the other person’s success?
  • Can I mourn the other person’s failure?
  • How is my ego blocking me from connecting to the other person?


As appeared on www.meaningfullife.com

Dealing with conflict in the workplace

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istockPeople want leadership roles for a variety of reasons, but the opportunity to manage conflicts is rarely at the top of anyone’s list. It’s a skill that many have a hard time mastering — and let’s face it, avoiding conflict tends to be the first inclination for most of us.

Workplace conflicts can emerge in any number of forms, but there are some general, garden-variety types that I see on a repeated basis: conflicts with the boss, conflicts with peers and conflicts among a manager’s direct reports or teammates.

In all of these cases, leaders need to consider two basic questions. How important is the issue? And, how important is this relationship? Your answers will determine whether to let it slide or try to resolve it. Let’s explore each type.

Conflict with the boss

I have encountered a lot of people who have conflicts with those in more senior positions, sometimes because their boss isn’t doing enough to support the team or is doing too much micromanaging.

The relationship with your boss is obviously important for getting work done and for getting ahead. As a result, you should invest the time needed to resolve the conflict. The key question then becomes: What’s my role in the conflict, and what can I do to improve the situation?

While it’s easy (and maybe legitimate) to blame your boss, this unfortunately isn’t the most productive option. If you actually want things to get better, you’ll need a different approach. Schedule a conversation or a lunch so you can understand your boss’s goals and motivations, express your concerns and explore ways to work better together. Getting insight into your boss’s reasoning and outlook may spark ideas about new techniques for handling the situation.

Plus, the conversation will send a clear signal that you’re interested in building a better bond and resolving the tension that exists. Finally, make it clear that you are quite willing to carry out any directions being given (assuming they are not immoral or unethical), but that you would first like to suggest a better way that can be helpful.

Conflict with a peer

In today’s working world, very little happens in isolation. You inevitably rely on others to get things done. For better and worse, however, we don’t all operate in the same ways and so conflict is inevitable.

One of the best strategies I’ve heard for resolving conflicts with a peer comes from Solly Thomas, a coach in some of the Partnership for Public Service’s leadership programs. Thomas, a former government executive, suggests identifying a colleague who has an effective working relationship with the peer who is giving you problems.

Make clear to the other colleague that your goal is to resolve the conflict and get work done, then tap into his or her knowledge of the other person for tips in getting along. Try out the advice, and perhaps also tactfully attempt to break the tension by talking with your colleague about possible middle ground.

Conflicts among direct reports or teammates

Leaders at nearly every level have been the uncomfortable witnesses to conflicts among teammates. Your choices are basically to look away or jump into the fray.

If the conflict is with people you supervise, and you know they are not going to react well, avoiding the conflict is tempting but ineffective. One of my colleagues recounted a situation in a former office when — after spending too much time avoiding a confrontation with a subordinate who had a history of causing disruption — he decided to have the difficult conversation with her. He made sure to focus solely on the job-related behaviors and not infer motivation. Still, she became irate and cursed at him before storming out of his office. However, the next day she gave him a letter of resignation. Conflict resolved.

As a leader, you want to allow for a certain amount of creative tension, but the moment that conflict becomes counterproductive, you need to act. While the issues that cause conflict vary in importance, your relationships to teammates and the relationships among teammates must be functional if you hope to have a productive environment.

One option is to sit down with employees – separately or together – and make your work-related outcomes and behavioral expectations clear. Then, treat the employees as adults and ask them to resolve their differences. Let them know they will be held accountable if they don’t.

Article by, Tom Fox , As appeared in www.washingtonpost.com

Tom Fox, a guest writer for On Leadership, is a vice president at the nonprofit Partnership for Public Service. He also heads the Partnership’s Center for Government Leadership.

Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

Article By 
As appeared in   www.thinksimplenow.com

 

The Art of Dealing With Difficult People

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Seven Ways to Ditch the Drama

Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

Difficult people
There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

Clear presence
Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

The difficult person is trapped
Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

Good and evil
It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.

Article by, Azriel ReShel
As appeared on www.upliftconnect.com

10 Easy Tips For Dealing With Difficult People

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Whether it’s your co-worker, your neighbor or your child, sometimes people can be overwhelmingly difficult.  If you have had to deal with someone who puts up tons of resistance, you know that things can quickly escalate out of control.

As a coach who specializes in turning around conflict situations, there are commonalities that that are present in all types of conflict—no matter what the situation.

So what can you do about it?  How can you break through and dissolve the resistance that is building in your relationship?

You want to get your point across, but don’t want to fuel the fire.  Even if you know what to do, in a heated moment you must know what you are up against.  You must think strategically if you want to get ahead and make the best out of your particular situation.  A big part of that process is to stop, think and do the unexpected.

Here are some easy and effective tips to turn around any situation with a difficult person:

1.  Validate.

You would be surprised what this simple action will do.  One common reason people put up resistance is because they do not feel heard or understood.  Validating and listening to them to make them feel significant is the fastest way to move forward.

2.  Think like them.

Just imagine you are in their shoes for one moment.  What do they want?  If you were in their situation, what would it feel like?  Just this one tip will get you far because most people are seeing one point of view: theirs.  Great problem-solvers can change perspective.

3.  Don’t resist.

What you resist, persists.  People tend to resist you more when you resist them.  Spend a little extra time getting to know their point of view and ask them questions to understand their point of view (and nod your head, yes, as if you understand).

4. When listening, slightly tilt your head.

We communicate not only through words but with our body language.  When you tilt your head slightly, people feel heard.  Also, this one trick will get you to actually listen more intently.

5. Know your outcome.

Before communicating, stop and think about how you want to feel as a result (relief).  Also, know how you want to make them feel (validated).   Finally, you must be flexible (just like you want them to be, too).

6.  Be open to the bigger lesson.

Most of the time, there is a much bigger life lesson to be learned aside from the situation where someone is being difficult.  It could be showing you how you relate to people in general, how you’re creating conflict, or what the conflict triggers in you.  Be open to the lesson that is bigger than the situation itself.

7.   Use strategic influence.

Find out who influences the difficult person and see if they can help you relate.  Think outside the box and know you have many routes that lead to where you want to go.

8.  Create a bond.

Sometimes you can change the subject and agree on something totally different than the matter at hand in order to create a bond with the person.  Even a negative bond might do the trick, but be careful not to create a habit of negative bonding.

9.  Downplay the situation.

Don’t feed negativity.  Big responses and long email replies can escalate a difficult situation.  Don’t call out the person’s behavior with a grand reply but instead calmly listen with care.  The person won’t feel defensive but will feel understood.

10.  Interrupt the pattern.

People often behave like robots.  We get triggered all the time and are often reacting to a story we loop in our heads. When dealing with someone difficult, interrupt the pattern by asking a question completely off-topic. This will offset their mental story, and you can approach the situation more proactively, rather than defensively.

Article by, 

Gabe Nies
Read full profile

As appeared on www.lifehack.org

Words Hurt: Emotional Abuse and Stress

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Words Hurt

“You can’t do anything right”. “This is your fault – It’s always your fault”.

Understanding Emotional Abuse and Stress

Emotional Abuse is the tearing down of another human being and it can be the result of inappropriately handling one’s emotions, the excessive need to control others and the situations around them, or it can be learned from those who have had influence on the person such as parents, coaches or supervisors.

Those who are emotionally abusive, are just as dangerous as those who are physically abusive.

Various Types of Emotional Abuse:

1. Rejecting – worthlessness and undermining self-esteem, criticizing, humiliating, blaming, ridiculing

2. Ignoring – detachment, withholds affection, indifferent

3. Terrorizing – threatening to punish or take away possessions, pets, or other family members

4. Isolating – jealousy, restricting access to people or money, secluding from outside world

5. Corrupting – exposes or puts into inappropriate situations

“Emotional abuse is a very serious and often hidden problem. The scars, though not visible, can run very deep.”

Many of us have grown up, been in a relationship with, worked for, or even been coached by, someone who was emotionally abusive. It is often seen as a normal part of the culture of the organization and tolerated. We see this in elite sports…that coach who thinks he gets the best from his players by belittling them, pitting them against each other, and blaming them for the losses. We see this in the workplace…CEO’s who yell obscenities at their workers, who demand unquestionable obedience, or who pit teams against each other. We see this in the home…where a partner isolates, belittles and ignores.

Emotional Abuse can lead to many emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural issues. It can impact social development, future success, and relationships outside of the abusive relationship.

General Impact Of Emotional Abuse:

  • Low self-esteem and confidence
  • Unable to make decisions
  • Lack of interest in life
  • Isolation
  • Sleep problems
  • Illness
  • Substance use
  • Depression

Emotional Abuse and Children
Patterns Of Behaviour:

In children, emotional abuse can be seen as a pattern of behaviour that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. (National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse) In children, you may specifically notice signs such as the development of rocking, sucking or biting one’s self, being inappropriately aggressive, speech problems, tantrums, excessive anxiety and fears, and an inability to relate to others. The child may make self-hate statements, and/or be shy and overly compliant.

The existence of one of these signs may not indicate emotional abuse, however, several of these over a period of time should not be ignored and should be investigated and explored further.

What Can Be Done?

People who are the target of emotional abuse are made to feel insignificant and incapable. They may actually begin to feel that they have brought this on themselves and that it really is their fault. Often, having an advocate or a person that they can confide in, can help them to see the abuse is not their fault and to reach out for support to deal with the abuse that they are facing. Many organizations and workplaces now have policies and guidelines on how to handle bullying and harassment situations, including how these situations need to be documented, reported, investigated, and rectified.

Here are some general suggestions to deal with an abusive situation.

As The Recipient:

1. Take precautions – look for the signs of excessive jealousy and control

2. Don’t blame yourself for the way other person is treating you

3. Believe in yourself – believe that you deserve to be treated with respect

4. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable than this is probably not a healthy relationship

5. Talk to someone – find someone you can trust – a family member, friend, co-worker, EAP, supervisor, spiritual leader, community advisor or health professional. Call the Distress Centre and they can help make the appropriate referral. These resources can help you to examine all of your options so that you can decide what is best for you.

What To Do If You Feel You Are Becoming Abusive:

1. Recognize the types and strength of the various feelings related to numerous situations

2. Develop a realistic attitude about what you and those around you can achieve

3. Be respectful of other’s ideas, opinions and talents

4. Find alternative ways to express difficult emotions

5. Get help – find a counselor, therapist or a doctor that can assist you in examining why you attack and tear the other person down and help you to take personal responsibility for the steps needed to change your reactions.

Words DO Hurt

The childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” may have some truth to it. But continual emotional abuse does hurt. It can affect the development and the self-esteem of the individual and it may ripple out to affect those around the person who is being attacked. Emotional abuse is serious but help is available – both to the one being abused and to the person being the abuser. Recognition is the key.

Article by, Beverly Beuermann-King
As Appeared on www.worksmartlivesmart.com

 

Dealing with Difficult People

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By Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP
~ 4 min read 

Dealing with Difficult PeopleIn an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

– As appeared on www.psychcentral.com

7 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People

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Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.

When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.

Part of the curriculum at the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:

  1. What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
  2. What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
  3. What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
  4. What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)

These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?

The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.

1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity

This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:

  • Stop whatever you’re doing
  • Take 3 deep breaths
  • Observe how your body feels
  • Proceed with kindness and compassion

No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.

2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using

Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:

  • Being nice and manipulative
  • Being nasty and manipulative
  • Being aloof and withdrawn
  • Playing the victim or “poor-me” role

Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.

When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a new direction.

3. Don’t Take it Personally

When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.

In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.

4. Practice Defenselessness

This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.

Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.

5. Walk Away if Necessary

Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.

6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity

As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.

Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”

7. Resonate Compassion

Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.

Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.

Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”


Article By,

Adam Brady

Dealing With Difficult People

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By ‘difficult’ people we mean people with certain personality traits or emotional characteristics that make it difficult for you to communicate with them. The ability to effectively cope with such people while maintaining a healthy work environment is known as the skill of dealing with difficult people.

It is inevitable for you to come across a difficult person in your life that bring about distress, whether it’s in the form of a neighbor, relative, colleague, employee, customer, or supplier. However, the intensity of their difficulty may vary depending upon the kind of difficult person they are; downers, better thans, passives, or tanks.

Why is dealing with difficult people important

Whenever we are faced with unreasonably difficult people, our instinct is to react with frustration and irritation. That, however, is the ticket to destruction. It causes tension to build in the work environment and can prove a serious threat to the productivity as well as the overall stability of the work environment.

Therefore, it is important to develop the skills of dealing with difficult people not only for the sake of your satisfaction but because your long term as well as short term success depends to a great extent on your ability to smoothly and successfully interact with such people. To increase the likelihood of your success in life and career, you must be savvy in dealing with such difficult behaviors.

How to improve your skills of dealing with difficult people

Since it is difficult to avoid crossing paths with difficult people, the best option is to improve your skills of dealing with difficult people in the following way:

  1. Identify the nature of difficulty. Analyze the specific behavior causing distress and identify the kind of difficult person you need to deal with. For example, is he a ‘downer’ who is always complaining and criticizing, a ‘passive’ who never contributes anything, a ‘better than’ who believes he knows everything, or just a bossy ‘tank’. Moreover, you must also analyze whether or not the behavior is consistent because sometimes it is possible that the person is just having a bad day.
  2. Understand them instead of trying to change them. Mostly when we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we tend to advise them to change themselves. For instance, we may try to encourage a ‘passive’ to stand up for himself or a ‘downer’ to be more positive in his thinking. This, however, only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and whatever it is that drives their decisions. This not only helps them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
-Article,
As appeared on www.cleverism.com

Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

difficult-people-dealing.jpg

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
  2. “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!


Article by, By 
As appeared on www.thinksimplenow.com

 

 

20 Expert Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People

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Believe it or not, you can stay calm, defuse conflict, and keep your dignity.

A and N photography/Shutterstock

We’ve all been there—trying valiantly to reason with an incredibly difficult person. The situation proves frustrating, maddening, and sometimes even frightening. The truth is, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. However, there are proven techniques to better manage such dicey situations.

I learned the ropes of what’s technically called “verbal de-escalation” from many years working in hospitals. Every year, we’d go through training on how to defuse difficult situations in which a patient, family member, or even another employee was extremely angry and seemingly out of control.

What follows are the tactics that professional crisis intervention teams use, and you can learn them, too. You can use these techniques with your boss, a customer, a family member, even a stranger. Keep in mind: The closer your relationship the person, the more knowledge you’ll have of what will best work to calm things down.

These tips may feel unnatural at first. When you’re dealing with a person behaving unreasonably, the fear response center in your brain (the fight-flight-freeze part) is going to be activated. This part of the brain can’t distinguish between a customer that’s yelling at you or a vicious dog about to attack you. It’s up to you to engage your conscious mind in order to defuse the situation. Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset to cultivate. Others are more specific in advising you what to do in the moment.

  1. Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with “unreasonable” people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you’re listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.
  2. Stay calm. When a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Monitor your breathing. Try to take some slow, deep breaths.
  3. Don’t judge. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Chances are, if a person is acting unreasonable, they are likely feeling some sort of vulnerability or fear.
  4. Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how a person is treating you, showing contempt will not help productively resolve the situation.
  5. Look for the hidden need. What is this person really trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?
  6. Look for others around you who might be able to help. If you’re at work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a colleague is close by.
  7. Don’t demand compliance. For example, telling someone who’s upset to be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the person what they are upset about—and allow them to vent.
  8. Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse. Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”
  9. Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.
  10. Don’t act defensively. This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)
  11. Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.
  12. Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything.
  13. Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
  14. Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way toward defusing many situations.
  15. Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have the right to be assertive and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
  16. Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an exit strategy.
  17. One response does not fit all. You have to remain flexible. Although these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.
  18. Debrief. After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.
  19. Discharge your own stress. You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the time to discharge some of that pent up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.
  20. Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation. It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!

Article by, Barbara Markway, Ph.D.,

The Art of Dealing With Difficult People

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Seven Ways to Ditch the Drama

Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

Difficult people
There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

Clear presenceBringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

The difficult person is trapped
Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

Good and evil
It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.

Article By Azriel ReShel,
As appeared on upliftconnect.com

How Not to Deal with Conflict

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Almost no one enjoys conflict. But it’s something we all need to deal with from time to time, in order to maintain healthy relationships. Further, we need to deal with conflict the right way so that we minimize it, and don’t exacerbate it.

I’m amazed at how often people do the wrong thing regarding conflict; doing the wrong thing, even unintentionally, will usually make your conflict much worse instead of better.

Here are four things that can cause conflict to escalate:

  1. Ignoring the issues of others. Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Ignoring a situation does not make conflict go away. Saying to the other person that something isn’t important enough to get upset about only makes the conflict worse.

Just because an issue isn’t important to you doesn’t mean you should just ignore it. Follow these tips

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Let’s assume that your co-worker has mentioned to you that she has a sensitivity to perfume, adding that she would prefer you not wear it at work. You like your perfume, and don’t believe she has a sensitivity, so you choose to reject or ignore her request. Your response to her request is something along the lines of, “Of all the things to worry about? This isn’t one of them.”

This strategy will not make the tension or conflict that exists between you go away. It doesn’t matter if your colleague has a sensitivity to perfume or not—she has told you that she does, and has asked you not to wear it. Your intentional rejection of her request will create tension that will escalate every day that you “forget about” or rebel from her request. By ignoring the situation, you will make it worse, not better.

  1. Being defensive or making excuses. Recently, actress Roseanne Barr sent some racist tweets. As a direct result, her successful television was cancelled. Several hours after it happened, Barr returned to Twitter, claiming she had taken an Ambien, and therefore wasn’t responsible for her behavior.When something you’ve done causes conflict, making excuses for your behavior will not make it better. It will actually make it worse. For instance, Barr’s excuse likely won’t make one iota of difference in the eyes of the person she attacked with her racist tweets, or to any of the hundreds of people who lost their jobs due to Barr’s actions.

Own your behavior. Apologize if necessary. Fix it if you can. But in making excuses for your behavior, you will escalate the conflict.

When you make excuses for your behavior, you escalate conflict.

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  1. Being emotional about the situation. No one enjoys conflict. Emotional reactions to it are natural and normal. But losing control, or expressing your frustration verbally, is not good. You need to demonstrate professionalism, control, and restraint because when you lose your cool you encourage the other person to as well. Anger is contagious. Angry behavior will cause the other person to lose their cool as well. As you can imagine, this is not the way to deal with conflict.You may have a conflict with a co-worker, but yelling at them, belittling, bullying, or behaving aggressively will not make the situation better. Speaking more loudly will not make them listen to you. Yelling is not the answer.
  1. Not holding back your “inside voice” will turn your conflict sour. When we are dealing with conflict we usually have two conversations happening at the same time. The out-loud conversation is the one you have with the other person, but there is also a passive-aggressive conversation you have in your head. Keep the two conversations separate.

Mumbling under your breath is likely to be heard. It isn’t the correct way to minimize conflict because it will add fuel to the fire that already exists. Just because you’re thinking something doesn’t mean you should verbalize it.

Let’s say you’re enjoying a team pot-luck lunch with everyone at work. You have your group of work friends but you have a bit of tension with Mike on the team. You don’t really like him; you two don’t really get along, and he doesn’t really like or get along with you, either. During your team lunch, a conversation about gossip starts up and Mike announces that he thinks that is a horrible thing to do to your coworkers—why would anyone spread gossip around the office? You are shocked because you think Mike is the worst gossip in the office. You mumble a sarcastic comment under your breath that may or may not have been heard by Mike. But you can be sure that someone heard it, potentially making a comment or giggling, and Mike is convinced you said something about him (which you did!). That action by you will cause the tension in your relationship to escalate. Ignoring Mike’s original comment, or not voicing yours won’t relieve the tension you already have with Mike, but it will most certainly avoid escalating it.

The laughter you get from others is not worth the escalation of tension in your already fractured relationship. Learn to keep unproductive thoughts to yourself.

Avoiding these four faux pas isn’t easy, but it is important. Conflict isn’t fun. Making it even worse is not a good idea—however, it is avoidable.

 

Article By Rhonda Scharf,

rhonda-team

Rhonda Scharf is a well recognized Professional Speaker, Trainer and Author. She specializes in helping Administrative Professionals to thrive in their work environment using her proven tools and strategies. She is a trusted resource for many organizations worldwide, and is based in Canada and the United States. She holds the highest speaking designation in the world, the Certified Speaking Professional and was recently inducted into the Canadian Speaking Hall of Fame. She is only one of two people to hold her CSP, HoF, and the Spirit of CAPS. Rhonda is also an active member and supporter of many administrative professional associations across the world.

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

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Communication Skills – Dealing with Difficult People

When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.

People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!

1. Don’t get Hooked !!!

When people behave towards you in a manner that makes you feel angry, frustrated or annoyed – this is known as a Hook.

We can even become “Hooked” by the way people look, how they talk, how they smell and even by their general demeanour.

If we take the bait then we are allowing the other person to control our behaviour.

This can then result in an unproductive response.

We have a choice whether we decided to get hooked or stay unhooked.

2. Don’t let them get to you

We often allow the other person’s attitude to irritate or annoy us.

This becomes obvious to the other person through our tone of voice and our body language.

This only fuels a difficult situation. When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively.

People may make disparaging and emotional remarks – don’t rise to the bait!

3. Listen – listen – listen

Look and sound like you’re listening. – When face-to-face you need to look interested, nod your head and keep good eye contact.

Over the ‘phone – you need to make the occasional “Uh Hu – I See”

If the other person senses that you care and that you’re interested in their problem, then they’re likely to become more reasonable.

4. Get all the facts – write them down

Repeat back (paraphrase) the problem to ensure your understanding and to let the other person know that you are listening.

5. Use names

A person’s name is one of the warmest sounds they hear. It says that you have recognised them as an individual. It is important not to overdo it as it may come across as patronising to the other person.

Make sure they know your name and that you’ll take ownership of the problem.

6. DON’T blame someone or something else

7. Watch out for people’s egos

” Don’t interrupt

” Don’t argue

” Don’t jump in with solutions

” Allow them to let off steam

” Don’t say, “Calm down”.

8. See it from the other person’s point of view

Too often we think the “difficult” person is making too much fuss.

We think – “What’s the big deal; I’ll fix it right away”. It is a big deal for the other person and they want you to appreciate it.

You don’t necessarily need to agree with the person however you accept the fact that it’s a problem for them.

9. Be very aware of your body language and tone of voice

We often exacerbate a situation without realising it.

Our tone of voice and our body language can often contradict what we’re saying.

We may be saying sorry however our tone and our body language may be communicating our frustration and annoyance.

People listen with their eyes and will set greater credence on how you say something rather than what you say.

It’s also important to use a warm tone of voice when dealing with a difficult situation.

This doesn’t mean being “nicey- nicey” or behaving in a non-assertive manner.

10. Words to avoid

There are certain trigger words that can cause people to become more difficult especially in emotionally charged situations. These include:

“You have to” –

“But” –

“I want you to” –

“I need you to” –

“It’s company policy” –

“I can’t or You can’t” –

“Jargon” or “Buzz” words –

“Sorry” –

“I’ll try” –

11. Stop saying Sorry

Sorry is an overused word, everyone says it when something goes wrong and it has lost its value.

How often have you heard – “Sorry ’bout that, give me the details and I’ll sort this out for you.” Far better to say – “I apologise for .”

And if you really need to use the “sorry” word, make sure to include it as part of a full sentence. “I’m sorry you haven’t received that information as promised Mr Smith.” (Again, it’s good practice to use the person’s name).

There are other things you can say instead of sorry.

12. Empathise

The important thing to realise when dealing with a difficult person is to:

Deal with their feelings – then deal with their problem.

Using empathy is an effective way to deal with a person’s feelings.

Empathy isn’t about agreement, only acceptance of what the person is saying and feeling.

Basically, the message is – “I understand how you feel.”

Obviously, this has to be a genuine response, the person will realise if you’re insincere and they’ll feel patronised.

Examples of an empathy response would be – “I can understand that you’re angry,” or “I see what you mean.” Again, these responses need to be genuine.

13. Build Rapport

Sometimes it’s useful to add another phrase to the empathy response, including yourself in the picture. – “I can understand how you feel, I don’t like it either when that happens to me”

This has the effect of getting on the other person’s side and builds rapport.

Some people get concerned when using this response, as they believe it’ll lead to “Well why don’t you do something about it then.”

The majority of people won’t respond this way if they realise that you are a reasonable and caring person.

If they do, then continue empathising and tell the person what you’ll do about the situation.

14. Under promise – over deliver

Whatever you say to resolve a situation, don’t make a rod for your own back.

We are often tempted in a difficult situation to make promises that are difficult to keep.

We say things like – “I’ll get this sorted this afternoon and phone you back.” It may be difficult to get it sorted “this afternoon”. Far better to say – “I’ll get this sorted by tomorrow lunchtime.” Then phone them back that afternoon or early the next morning and they’ll think you’re great.

You don’t win them all.

Remember, everyone gets a little mad from time to time, and you won’t always be able to placate everyone, – there’s no magic formula.

However, the majority of people in this world are reasonable people and if you treat them as such, then they’re more likely to respond in a positive manner.

Some more thoughts:

These notes are primarily designed to help deal with difficult people when we have made a mistake.

We often have to deal with other people where we have not made a mistake, however, the people we’re dealing with often prove to be difficult and unwilling to accept what we say.

We, therefore, need to demonstrate assertive behaviour that helps us communicate clearly and confidently our needs, wants and feelings to other people without abusing in any way their human rights.


This article was contributed by Alan Fairweather. As appeared on www.impactfactory.com

Alan Fairweather is the author of four ebooks in the “How to get More Sales” series. Lots of practical actions you can take to build your business and motivate your team.

Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.

Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster.

Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

 Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

How To Deal Effectively With Difficult People (And Some Other Secrets)

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How to Deal Effectively With Difficult People (and Some Other Secrets)

 

It’s inevitable.  At some point in your week, you’ll run into one of them.  Those people who seem to turn a wonderful day into a dark one.  But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.

There are studies that demonstrate that people’s energy is contagious.  If you’re happy and an angry person walks into the room, you can feel it.  Your happiness is suddenly dampened.  The angry person spews their negative energy upon anyone in their path, leaving you with the after-effects.

With a few key tools, you can repel that negativity and spread your happiness instead.  With these tools, you’ll never have to lose your smile to a negative person.

1. Take A Deep Breath Or Three.

This allows you to take a moment to think about how you’ll respond to the other person.  It’s amazing what a difference taking those extra moments can make.

Without taking that breath, you may lash out, get defensive, cower or unconsciously repeat your own negative patterns.  This is how couples tend to have the same fights over and over again.  They each press the same buttons of their partner and everyone reacts the same way they always have, repeating the patterns.

The only way to break the pattern is to slow down, become aware of them and make a different choice about how to respond.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally.  Know That It’s Not About You.

Know that the other person has their own issues that have nothing to do with you.  This can be anything from a bad day to a bad childhood that they haven’t chosen to do something about.

I have a family member whose school yearbooks have quotes from other students that all say something to the effect of:  “You would be a great person if you weren’t so mean” or “if you weren’t such a bully.”  He has continued to be a bully throughout his life.  Being critical, judging others and being a bully all come from fear.  Fear of not living up to some standard.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of not being loved or accepted.  Bullies attempt to tear down others so they can feel better about themselves.  They do it to almost everyone around them – not just you.

If the difficult person always focuses on a certain area like criticizing how others look or judging the work of others, know that this person has issues with how they see themselves.  They’re tearing others down in those areas in order to feel better about themselves.

Sometimes friends can be a little nasty.  If I know that’s not how they usually are, I‘ll ask them what’s happening in their life.  Sometimes all they need is someone to listen to them to turn their mood around.  And if I can’t help them to feel better, at least I’ve found the source of their negativity and I know it has nothing to do with me.

3. Put Yourself In Their Shoes.

Without a good understanding of where the other person is coming from, you can make snap judgments that only maintain the negative situation.

Sometimes I imagine the tough childhood of a bully:  not getting the love they needed from their parents so they had many insecurities that led them to lash out at others in an attempt to feel better about themselves.  When I see an adult bully, I imagine the poor little 12 year old not getting the love he or she needed.  I then feel compassion for them which causes me to respond to them much differently than if I had felt that they were picking on me in particular.

Alternatively, if you know the difficult person is just having a bad day, put yourself in their shoes and think of some small thing you can do for them that might turn their mood around.

4. Get On Their Side And Don’t Get Defensive.

If the difficult person thinks that you’re working with them, it’s hard for them to fight you.  Instead of getting defensive, ask what you can do to help them.  They can’t get mad at you if you’re trying to help them.

5. Create Aa Much Distance As You Can Between The Two Of You.

Find reasons not to get together.  Be busy when they ask for your time.

Difficult people feed off of the people who perpetuate their drama.  When you avoid the person and diffuse the drama, they can’t maintain their nasty persona with you and they won’t seek you out.

You can keep difficult people from ruining your day by remembering these points.  Ultimately, you can’t control other people.  You can only control how you respond to them.  It’s your response that makes a positive difference in your day and might even make that difficult person smile.

It’s Not All About Them

Now that you know how to deal with others, remember that these difficult people wouldn’t bother you so much if there wasn’t something similar inside you that you haven’t dealt with yet.

In a similar vein, you attract people to you for a reason.  If you seem to be surrounded by difficult people or they show up in your work and personal life, ask yourself what lessons you need to learn from them.

Difficult people will continue to show up for you until you take responsibility for your own being.

Have you considered whether you’re the difficult person in other people’s lives?  Take a few moments throughout your day to notice how others are responding to you.  What do you find?

As appeared on www.simplemindfulness.com

How to deal with difficult people

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Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal, Contributors

Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC's "Seinfeld"

NBC|Getty Images| Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC’s “Seinfeld”

Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.

First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.

Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.

Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.

Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.

Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”

But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.

Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder ofThe Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.

As appeared on www.cnbc.com

3 Ways I Handle Conflict

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Don’t relish conflict, but don’t fear it. Handling conflict is one of the most misunderstood parts of our existence. It is often unpleasant; many people try to avoid it. Others seem to thrive on the stress of it. I think some even use it to overpower others. Maybe that’s why they look for opportunities to bully people.

However, conflict is best seen as an opportunity to understand our differences, since that’s when conflict usually arises: when we see something different. I handle conflict in the following 3 ways.

1. Think constructively.

When a problem comes up, think constructively. You are not attacking the other person, and hopefully, he is not attacking you, either. If he is, redirect him to the problem. That is what you both should be focused on: the principle, not the person. In this day and age, too many people resort to letting arguments become personal – name-calling, mockery, personal attacks. I suppose humans have always done it. We can’t stay focused on the matter before us so we get frustrated and lash out, or we realize that our position should change but we aren’t confident enough to do so. That seems to be the common approach to conflict. Don’t be like that. Be constructive. Be uncommon.

2. Stay focused on solutions and communication.

Admit when you’re wrong, but stand your ground when you’re right. I have always liked the movie Twelve Angry Men. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays a member of a jury charged with returning a verdict in a murder trial. The evidence appears clear-cut, and the other eleven are ready to return a guilty verdict and move on with their lives. But Fonda’s character is not satisfied that the evidence is conclusive and he feels the need to walk through it again, much to the dismay of the other eleven jurors. Time and time again, a vote is taken, and still, he stands alone. Some of the other jurors begin to make it personal. The room becomes very tense, but Fonda’s character just keeps his focus on the job they’ve been given to do.

He exhorts the other jurors to reexamine the evidence between each vote, and the votes begin to shift: 11-1, 10-2, 8-4, and so on. Finally, after reexamining the evidence a number of times, all of the jurors agree on a verdict of not guilty.

3. There are times to stand alone.

Sometimes we have to stand alone for an extended period of time. Other times, the mere act of our standing for what we believe in brings others with us, and we are no longer alone. Either way, conflict can serve to illuminate truth or illuminate differences. In any event, it doesn’t have to be feared.

 Article by , As appeared on www.allprodad.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Is someone at work making your life difficult?

If so, you’re not alone.

Every workplace seems to have its difficult co-workers, bosses or customers. And they come in all varieties.

When trying to cope, it can help to understand the human dynamics of a situation. The inescapable fact is that any time two people are together, there’s potential for conflict.

Personality Styles Differ

“Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses,” said Robert Trestman, M.D., Ph.D., chair of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at Carilion Clinic. “There is no such thing as a perfect person, and it’s also rare that any one person is totally in the right or in the wrong. It’s more a question of personality differences.”

That said, there are personality styles that are more apt to provoke.

“Some people are perceived to be difficult because they are very direct and outspoken, and our culture doesn’t always respond well to that style,” said Dr. Trestman. “In the midwest or south, for instance, that style can be seen as confrontational and make people uncomfortable.”

Others are passive-aggressive and indirectly display hostility by being sullen, procrastinating or engaging in subtle insults.

“Some people just have a nasty streak,” Dr. Trestman added.

Then there are those who like to stir the pot and may say things to pit one person against another just to create a little chaos.

“Another type can be almost sociopathic, but in a skillful way,” noted Dr. Trestman. “It can be very hard to pin them down. All of these can undermine an effective team.”

Taking Action

How to deal with these challenging types?

A basic remedy can be used for each.

“In general, it always pays to be very upfront,” said Dr. Trestman. “When people are causing disruption, for whatever reason, gather as much information as possible about their behavior.”

If you are their supervisor, he suggests:

  • Meet with the person and discuss the concern
  • Be concrete about their problem behaviors
  • Lay out your specific expectations
  • Give them guidance as to preferred behaviors
  • Offer them an opportunity to practice the new behaviors
  • Do all this with a reasonable amount of sensitivity so the person can grow from the experience
  • Create a culture that rewards the results of collaboration

If you’re dealing with a person who is almost pathologically undermining others, be sure to set boundaries for them. Set specific performance expectations and protocols to follow.

“These are the kind of folks who can create a hostile work environment, or situations that can escalate dramatically and cause legal difficulties,” said Dr. Trestman. “You may want to get Human Resources involved sooner rather than later.”

Approaching a Colleague

If you are a colleague or peer of a difficult co-worker, you have similar recourses.

“The normal human tendency is just to try and get along, but that can undermine your ability to work as a team,” Dr. Trestman pointed out.

If you must rely on each other, say as part of a health care or legal team, it can create problems.

Here are steps to take:

  • Gather up your courage and approach the other person in a non-confrontational way
  • Tell them what specific things they are doing that make life difficult for you
  • If he (or she) denies it, say “This is how I perceive what you’re doing.”
  • Ask if there’s anything you’re doing that they perceive negatively
  • If you don’t get anywhere, go to your supervisor or HR

Coping Skills

If you’re now trying to decide how to deal with a difficult person at work, make sure you also take good care of yourself.

To help you cope, take time to:

  • Get enough sleep
  • Eat well
  • Exercise
  • Engage in stress-relieving activities

“All the little things at work can become magnified if we’re not taking good care of ourselves,” Dr. Trestman said.

What to do if someone is truly making it hard to do your job or advance and all remedies fail?

“You may want to consider getting a new job,” he advised.

And if possible, try to find whatever humor you can in the situation. Humor is a great antidote to stress.

As the old saying goes:

“Sometimes I think the whole world is crazy except me and thee, and at times I suspect even thee.”

Article By,

Maureen Robb's picture
Maureen Robb , As appeared on carilionclinicliving.com

Conflict Management at Work

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A conflict arises when individuals have different opinions, thought processes, attitudes, interests, needs and find it difficult to adjust with each other. When individuals perceive things in dissimilar ways and cannot find the middle way, a conflict starts. No organization can survive if the employees are constantly engaged in fights and conflicts. The individuals have to give their hundred percent at workplaces to generate revenue and profits for the organization.

Conflicts must be avoided at workplaces for a healthy and a competitive environment. Employees must ensure that precautionary measures are taken in advance to prevent conflicts at the workplace. Employees are the assets of any organization and they must feel motivated and elated to perform well. Conflicts only lead to tensions and depressions and nothing productive comes out of it. No individual can work alone; he has to depend on his fellow workers for the maximum output. Every individual has to work in a team and can’t afford to fight with his team members.

Misha and Tom were a part of the operations team with a reputed firm. Both of them had excellent academic records, were hardworking and were never short of ideas. Unfortunately Misha and Tom never liked each other’s ideas and never got along very well. Their team could never achieve anything great and always failed to live up to the expectations of their superiors.

The conflict between Misha and Tom was the major reason why their team could never perform well. The success of any team is directly proportional to the relation among the team members.

As a result of conflicts, employees waste their maximum time and energy in fighting and find it very difficult to concentrate on work. The time which should be utilized in doing productive work goes in finding faults in others and fighting with each other. Always remember that your office is not paying you for fighting, instead it expects good and productive work from you. Conflict Management prevents the eruptions of fights and also allows the employees to be serious about their work. Conflicts also lead to unnecessary tensions and disagreements among the individuals. Everyday in an organization is a new day and you have to give your best daily. In today’s fierce competitive scenario, an employee has to prove himself each day. You just can’t survive if your mind is always clouded with unnecessary tensions and stress. Stress diverts your mind and snatches your mental peace and harmony. You feel restless every where,everytime. If you feel irritated by your colleague or do not approve their ideas, think for a minute, would fighting provide any solution? What would you gain out of it? It is always better to sit and discuss the issues with fellow workers face to face rather than shouting. Life becomes miserable if one is engaged in constant fights and one feels demotivated to go to office.

Conflict Management reduces tensions and employees feel motivated to give their level best to the organizations. No one gains form conflicts. One should avoid fighting over petty issues and criticizing fellow employees at workplaces. Be a little more adjusting. You might be an extraordinary employee, but conflicts will definitely earn you a bad name and you appear in the bad books of other employees. Conflict Management helps in the strengthening of bond among the employees and everyone is ready to help each other. Relations improve and people feel motivated to work together and strive hard to give best possible results. No one likes to carry tensions back home and feel neglected at the workplace. Attend office to work not to fight and carry tensions and anxiety. Transparency must be maintained at all levels for the smooth flow of information among the employees. One wrong information with any employee, all things get screwed up. Conflicts and disagreements act as a hindrance in the correct flow of information as employees tend to tamper important data, facts, figures and hide things from each other. The information never reaches in the correct and desired form as a result of conflict and eventually the organization is at loss.

Conflict Management plays a very important role at workplaces as it prevents unnecessary fights and makes offices a better place to work.

As appeared on www.managementstudyguide.com

Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.

 Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.

This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster.

Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
Article by, BY SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD
As appeared on www.thebalance.com

The Art of Having a Productive Argument

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For the film Steve Jobs: The Lost Interview, the Apple founder shared his views about how teams develop something great: Polishing ideas can be like polishing rocks, he said.

It’s a lesson he learned in childhood while hanging out with a neighborhood kid. He recalled putting some “regular old ugly rocks” in a tumbler with some grit and liquid. As they turned, the can made quite the racket.

“That’s always been in my mind my metaphor for a team working really hard on something they’re passionate about,” Jobs said. “Through that group of incredibly talented people bumping up against each other, having arguments, having fights sometimes, making some noise and working together, they polish each other and they polish the ideas.”

Though you might find Jobs’ version of making a little noise unhealthy (he yelled) or even, as he admitted in the film, not sustainable, this doesn’t mean you should shy away from arguments all together. Arguments move ideas forward, improve concepts and can even improve relationships.

Here are seven ways to bring about more productive arguments at your business:

Arguing Is Pointless

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It was lunchtime and the seven of us — two kids and five adults — would be in the car for the next three hours as we drove from New York City to upstate Connecticut for the weekend.

We decided to get some takeout at a place on the corner of 88th and Broadway. I pulled along the curb and ran in to get everyone’s orders.

In no time, Isabelle, my eight-year-old, came running in the restaurant.

“Daddy! Come quick! The police are giving you a ticket!”

I ran outside.

“Wait, don’t write the ticket, I’ll move it right away,” I offered.

“Too late,” she said.

“Come on! I was in there for three minutes. Give me a break.”

“You’re parked in front of a bus stop.” She motioned halfway down the block.

“All the way down there?” I protested.

She said nothing.

“You can’t be serious!” I flapped my arms.

“Once I start writing the ticket, I can’t stop.” She handed me the ticket.

“But you didn’t even ask us to move! Why didn’t you ask us to move?” I continued to argue as she walked away.

And that’s when it hit me: arguing was a waste of my time.

Not just in that situation with that police officer. I’m talking about arguing with anyone, anywhere, any time. It’s a guaranteed losing move.

Think about it. You and someone have an opposing view and you argue. You pretend to listen to what she’s saying but what you’re really doing is thinking about the weakness in her argument so you can disprove it. Or perhaps, if she’s debunked a previous point, you’re thinking of new counter-arguments. Or, maybe, you’ve made it personal: it’s not just her argument that’s the problem. It’s her. And everyone who agrees with her.

In some rare cases, you might think the argument has merit. What then? Do you change your mind? Probably not. Instead, you make a mental note that you need to investigate the issue more to uncover the right argument to prove the person wrong.

When I think back to just about every argument I’ve ever participated in — political arguments, religious arguments, arguments with Eleanor or with my children or my parents or my employees, arguments about the news or about a business idea or about an article or a way of doing something — in the end, each person leaves the argument feeling, in many cases more strongly than before, that he or she was right to begin with.

How likely is it that you will change your position in the middle of fighting for it? Or accept someone else’s perspective when they’re trying to hit you over the head with it?

Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person’s stance. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve with the argument in the first place. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships.

There’s only one solution: stop arguing.

Resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place. If you feel strongly about something in the moment, that’s probably a good sign that you need time to think before trying to communicate it.

If someone tries to draw you into an argument? Don’t take the bait. Change the subject or politely let the person know you don’t want to engage in a discussion about it.

And if it’s too late? If you’re in the middle of an argument and realize it’s going nowhere? Then you have no choice but to pull out your surprise weapon. The strongest possible defense, guaranteed to overcome any argument:

Listening.

Simply acknowledge the other and what he’s saying without any intention of refuting his position. If you’re interested, you can ask questions — not to prove him wrong — but to better understand him.

Because listening has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When someone feels heard, he relaxes. He feels generous. And he becomes more interested in hearing you.

That’s when you have a shot of doing the impossible: changing that person’s mind. And maybe your own. Because listening, not arguing, is the best way to shift a perspective.

Then, when you want to leave the conversation, say something like,”Thanks for that perspective.” Or “I’ll have to think about that,” and walk away or change the subject.

I’m not saying you should let someone bully you. This weekend I was in a long line and someone cut in front of me. I told him it wasn’t okay and he started yelling, telling me — and the people around me — that he was there all the time, which was clearly not true. I began to argue with him which, of course, proved useless and only escalated the fight.

Eventually a woman in the line simply drew a boundary. She said, “No, it’s not okay to simply walk in here when the rest of us are waiting” and she stepped forward and ignored the bully. We all followed her lead and, eventually, he went to the back of the line. Arguments: 0. Boundaries: 1.

When I went online to pay the parking fine, I tried to dispute the ticket. Before arguing my case though, a screen popped up offering me a deal: pay the penalty with a 25% discount, or argue and, if I lose, pay the entire fine. I thought I had a good case so I argued and, a few weeks later, lost the case.

Next time, I’m taking the deal.

 Article by,

Peter Bregman is CEO of Bregman Partners, a company that strengthens leadership in people and in organizations through programs (including the Bregman Leadership Intensive), coaching, and as a consultant to CEOs and their leadership teams. Best-selling author of 18 Minutes, his most recent book is Four Seconds (February 2015). To receive an email when he posts, click here.

Dealing with Difficult People

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In an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

7 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People

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By Adam Brady

Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.

When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.

Part of the curriculum at the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:

  1. What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
  2. What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
  3. What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
  4. What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)

These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?

The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.

1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity

This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:

  • Stop whatever you’re doing
  • Take 3 deep breaths
  • Observe how your body feels
  • Proceed with kindness and compassion

No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.

2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using

Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:

  • Being nice and manipulative
  • Being nasty and manipulative
  • Being aloof and withdrawn
  • Playing the victim or “poor-me” role

Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.

When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a new direction.

3. Don’t Take it Personally

When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavioris not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.

In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.

4. Practice Defenselessness

This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.

Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.

5. Walk Away if Necessary

Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.

6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity

As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.

Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”

7. Resonate Compassion

Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.

Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.

Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”

__________________________________________________________________

About the Author

Adam Brady

Vedic Educator
Yoga teacher, author, and martial artist Adam Brady has been associated with the Chopra Center for nearly 20 years. He is a certified Vedic Educator trained in Primordial Sound Meditation , Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga , and Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle , and regularly teaches in the Orlando, Florida, area. Over the last several years, Adam has worked to introduce corporate mind-body wellness programs into the workplace within a large…Read more

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

About the Author,

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com, or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.

Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People

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We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.

Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.

In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.

“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.

The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.

After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?

Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.

Complainers

Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.

Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.

Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.

When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.

“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”

Cynics

Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.

Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.

Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”

Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.

Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.

Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.

If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”

The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.

Controllers

Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.

Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.

Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”

Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.

Caretakers

Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.

Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.

Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.

“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.

Article By, , As appeared on www.cio.com

Meridith Levinson covers Careers, Project Management and Outsourcing for CIO.com. Follow Meridith on Twitter @meridith. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline and on Facebook. Email Meridith at mlevinson@cio.com.

The 3 Secrets to Conflict Resolution

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Good leaders are great at resolving conflict. Great leaders keep conflict from arising in the first place. Here’s how they do it.

In engineering “friction” can be defined as any waste of energy that has been harnessed to produce work. Entrepreneurs grow wealthy by reducing the economic friction between buyers and sellers. In business there is a form of friction that all too often kills plans, wastes energy, and ruins friendships: people fighting with each other.

I’ve investigated my fair share of work place squabbles. I almost never found two-legged villains at the heart of the problem. Instead I discovered hard-working, well intentioned people that had unintentionally allowed a disembodied demon into their midst: Ambiguity.

In one instance a sales department and shipping department were at each other’s throats. Both sides were convinced that they were the victims of a combination of incompetence and evil intentions on the part of the other. After scraping away the rancor, I discovered that the sales department was upset because product was not being shipped “on time.” Shipping was fed up with getting a flood of orders late in the day that they could not possibly ship without working into the night. The real problem was that both sides were operating from entirely different assumptions about what “on time” meant. I quickly brokered an agreement: any order received by shipping before 2:00 PM would ship the same day. Later orders would ship the next. I wrote the new policy down and distributed it. When the ambiguity disappeared so did the problem and the rancor.

I have often argued that a trait that distinguishes great leaders is an ability to creatively use the tension produced by ambiguity. Great leaders don’t live in a black or white world. Instead they love shades of grey. However, this trait is most effective when applied to strategic decisions. It is ambiguity surrounding execution that so often leads to disaster. Business execution is like an intricate, multi-faceted relay race. Ambiguity about who is passing the baton to whom by when almost certainly means that the precious baton will hit the floor and the postmortem recriminations will begin. In business, “crisp execution” is the Holy Grail, and crisp execution relies on eliminating ambiguity.

Again and again I’ve brought warring parties together and patiently heard them out. Then I would politely make a request: “Where’s the paper trail?” In almost every case there was none. All I had to work with were verbal communications based solely on memory, open to an almost infinite variety of contradictory interpretations. This internal friction was usually not the result of either incompetence or bad intentions. It was the result of people operating from entirely different assumptions about their respective responsibilities.

I have developed a tactic to eliminate the problems caused by ambiguity before they can arise. While my memory is still fresh, I summarize in writing everything that was agreed upon in a meeting or phone call and send it to all the participants. I make sure to invite everyone to either “sign off” or get back to me if my summary is either incorrect or incomplete. I also copy everyone not at the meeting that may be affected by our decisions in order to avoid “blindsiding” them further down the road.

We often hear that success is largely a factor of how many friends we make. However, success also depends on how few enemies we make. Clear, written communication has proven remarkably successful at keeping my enemies to a minimum. This discipline also forces me during meetings to focus on negotiating clear, unambiguous, mutually agreed upon action items. This in turn moves the meeting, project or sale along much more quickly.

The vast majority of internal squabbles are leadership problems rather than people problems. It is management’s job to make sure that the process by which people enter into agreements is formalized without becoming burdensome. When disputes arise from miscommunication and misunderstanding, it is management’s fault for not having the policies, procedures, and processes in place that prevent such conflicts in the first place.

In our own company, we made it clear that we had zero interest in refereeing “I said, she said” disputes. It was our policy that substantive meetings should always produce an internal “contract;” and that these contracts should be clearly written, mutually agreed upon, and meticulously kept. Staying on top of this process took discipline, but in the long run it paid off handsomely in increased productivity, team work, and perhaps most importantly, morale. Once our people discovered that without the proper documentation their pleas for “justice” would fall on deaf ears, they quickly adapted and disputes were practically non-existent.

The first step to removing crippling ambiguity is overcoming our distaste for writing and learning how to write clearly and unambiguously. A commitment to follow up “soon” is ambiguous. A promise to follow up at 3:00 PM on November 16th is not.

The second step is overcoming the misconception that creating a paper trail is a waste of valuable time. My typical summary takes three minutes to write. These communications not only make things run far more smoothly, but have saved me countless hours in ex post facto conflict resolution.

Step three is overcoming our tendency for using ambiguity as tool for staying off the hook. Ambiguity in business is often connected to our fear of accountability. We resist making clear commitments because someone may hold us accountable if something goes wrong. Much of human interaction, consciously or unconsciously, is an attempt to hold others accountable while avoiding accountability ourselves. We crave wiggle room and plausible deniability. As a result, we often default to ambiguous commitments like “I’ll try” rather than “I’ll do.” Only by courageously embracing accountability in our business and personal lives can the friction of ambiguity be successfully overcome. If you want accountability from others, you must offer it first yourself.

Article By, August Turak
(As appeared on forbes.com)

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Photo: Sam Edwards/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Photo: John Wildgoose/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.

What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Photo: Image Source RF/Cadalpe/Getty Images

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.

What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.

What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Photo: Henglein and Steets/Cultura/Getty Images

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.

What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty Images

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.

What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By,
Deepak Chopra, As appeared on oprah.com

Dealing With Difficult People

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Recognizing what drives them is the first step.

When you were 5, it was all about getting the cookie. Did you ask respectfully and get the cookie? Or did you yell and scream? Did you avoid making waves to get it? Or did you go behind your parents’ backs to get that cookie? Kids figure out what works and that communication style becomes part of their personality.

Being direct and open—communicating assertively—is healthiest and most efficient. While most people have a default style of communication, we all tend to use all four styles, depending on the situation and the person with whom we’re speaking. Communication is a learned skill, but it’s important to know we have a choice in how we communicate.

Passive-aggressive communication is the most challenging for others. If you’re faced with it, you don’t know where you stand; you may think the passive-aggressive is your friend, and you probably open up without realizing you risk being sabotaged. The passive-aggressive mode of operation is: “I will be nice to your face, but behind your back, I will do things to make you suffer in hell for the rest of your life.”

If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be taught a thing or two suffer—even just a teensy bit—you’re stepping close to that sneaky and devious world of the passive-aggressive. Don’t go there.

One passive-aggressive trait is gossiping and tattling. Anyone who says, “I am not a gossip,” probably is. If you hear disparaging words one minute followed by, “But she really is my good friend,” that’s another red flag.

When confronting someone for their passive-aggressive tendencies, realize they are motivated to seek revenge when they perceive an injustice done to them. You didn’t necessarily do them any wrong, but they believe your behavior inappropriate, unacceptable or unjust. Because they often believe their lives are controlled by others, they lack the skill, knowledge, desire and confidence to be assertive.

To deal with someone who communicates in a passive-aggressive style:

  • Talk openly and honestly to set an example of healthy, assertive communication and to minimize attacks.
  • Confront them and hold them accountable. Have them say to your face what they usually would say behind your back. If they’re giving you the silent treatment, ignore them.
  • Do not back down when they’re openly disagreeing with you.
  • Challenge inappropriate behavior in a positive, upbeat way, but prepare for the counterattack.

Indecisiveness:

The Passive Personality

Another difficult personality is the passive person, who wants to avoid confrontation at all costs. Passives don’t talk much and question even less. They don’t want to rock the boat because they have learned it’s safer.

Passive people lack self-confidence to communicate assertively. They don’t trust other people to respond positively to their assertive attempts. Passive people act like everything is perfect and put everyone else first, but inside, they often are a seething mess.

Why bother learning how to deal with passive people? They are the saintly, never-cause-a-fuss, do-whatever- you-want people, right? In truth, passives constantly create havoc because they never let you know where they stand. They’re too busy keeping the peace.

To deal with a passive person:

  • Be open, direct and honest, modeling assertive behavior.
  • Establish trust. Help passive people have the confidence to share their feelings and concerns by making them feel worthy and respected.
  • Encourage an environment of solving problems and discussing options.
  • Don’t let the passive person avoid confrontation. Resolve the issue immediately, rather than avoiding the problem as a passive personality is accustomed to doing.
  • Give the passive person permission to be decisive and praise them for their participation.

Inflicting Anger and Hurt:

The Aggressive Personality

Aggressive personality types use manipulation by inducing guilt, hurt, intimidation and control tactics. Covert or overt, aggressive people simply want their needs met—and right now!

People who communicate aggressively do it because it works. They’re bullies with words.

Aggressive communicators differ from those who are being assertive. While assertive people are forthright and open, aggressive communicators say what they mean, but they hold nothing back, usually at the expense of others’ feelings.

To deal effectively with someone communicating aggressively:

  • Assert yourself to neutralize the onslaught.
  • Confront them. Don’t let them get away with their manipulation or they won’t respect you.
  • Avoid emotional impulse reactions.
  • Be clear that the aggressive behavior is unacceptable.

The Healthy Personality:

Assertiveness

An assertive communication style is the only way to effectively deal with difficult people. Unfortunately, people use it the least.

Communicating assertively lets people know your needs, concerns and feelings in an open and honest way without threats, manipulation or hidden agendas. Assertive people ask questions, seek answers, look at all points of view and engage in meaningful, open-ended dialogue without anger, hurt feelings or defensiveness.

Remember, you always have a choice in your style of communication. You also have a choice in how people talk to you. Assertiveness will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build relationships professionally and personally.

Article By. Connie Podesta
As appeared on success.com

 

 

How To Manage Conflict At Work

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Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do.  I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote.  “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company.  While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Angry face
Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate.  I never liked conflict.  But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job.  Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it.   Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider.   Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse.   Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can.   There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too…  And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son.  (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.)   Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above.  You’re management.  You’re the voice of reason.  Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR –  Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters:  When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions.   I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts.  They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel.  My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it.  During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes.  And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war.  Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing.  Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can.   Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t.  It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Article by, Victor Lipman , an executive coach and author of The Type B Manager.

 

 

 

As appeared on forbes.com

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

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Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
How Smart People Handle Difficult People

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

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How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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difficult bossIt’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering why you put up with your difficult boss. Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours. Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may increase their difficult reactions. According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.

Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads? Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.

To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.

In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:

5 quick tips that may also be helpful when dealing with a difficult boss

1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’

3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours

Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

How to Deal With Employees Who Don’t Get Along

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Blame it on personality, lifestyle or other factors, but sometimes employees just don’t mesh. And friction in the ranks can make your office feel like a war zone.

The tension can make the workplace uncomfortable for other employees and have a dramatic effect on productivity.

But, conflict between two employees isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation or creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully put out fires between feuding employees.

Step 1. Encourage employees to work it out

Remember you’re their manager, not their mother. Use your judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Managers should want their employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. Encourage your employees to manage their issues on their own. By reacting to every whine from a worker you may actually make the situation worse by feeding into the drama. This might be perceived as favoritism and turn other employees against you.

To do this successfully, first determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and the severity of the conflict. When you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know that you’re aware of the situation. You should also encourage open communication and resolution among employees. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

Understand that many people don’t like confrontation, so they may need guidance or talking points on how to approach the other person. Hold them accountable for their actions and for resolving the issue.

Step 2. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out and you’ll be forced to step in. Like a bad sore, if ignored too long, employee disputes can fester and infect the entire workplace and ultimately taint the reputation of your company. Workplace disputes that aren’t addressed eventually end up sucking other employees into the drama. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity. Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts.

Step 3. Listen to both sides

By the time you get involved, your office may already be buzzing with gossip. Don’t assume you know the situation based on the whispers you’ve heard around the office. First, deal with the two individuals or group of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about refocusing other staff members later. Sit the feuding employees down and ask each to explain their side of the story.

Some experts recommend this be done individually, while others believe you should discuss the problem with both at the same time. But before you do that, be sure to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. This way you can be sure you’re create an environment where you can discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees at the same time is the best course of action, provide each employee uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward.

As a manager, you need to be as objective as possible. You never, ever want to take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse.

Step 4. Identify the real issue

Often the cause of an argument between a group of employees can get clouded by the all the emotions that surround it. Try to get each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Ask them what they want to see as an outcome. Like a doctor, treating the symptoms only puts a Band-Aid over the issue. To avoid future flare ups, you need to get to the source. Only then, will you be able to come up with a permanent solution.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this or you don’t think you can be impartial, you may want to consider hiring a third-party mediator to handle the situation.

Step 5. Consult your employee handbook

Deciphering right from wrong may mean reviewing your company’s policy. Employee handbooks are designed to lay down consistent rules that each employee is expected to uphold at all times. Some examples policies that you may want to add into your employee handbook are “guidelines for appropriate conduct” and/or “conflict resolution policies.” More severe instances of conflict may move into the category of harassment or discrimination, so your handbook should also contain these policies as well as directions on how to file a complaint.

In order to offer a fair resolution, you’ll need to make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above the laws set forth in the workplace. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 6. Find a solution

Employers need to get employees focused on the job at hand. Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. That might require reorganizing teams or giving the employees time to “cool off” before they work together again. And remember, you have a business to run. If the conflicts continue, they could seriously affect productivity. And in some cases you may need to reevaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 7. Write it up

Employees may not like it, but it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. This will help you monitor behavior over time and keep an eye out for repeat offenders that may be polluting your office. Documenting incidents can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. Always write down details from each run-in an employee has had. Ensure that your write-up is fact-based and that you keep a copy in all involved employees’ files. Include the who, what, when, where and how as well as the resolution to which all parties agreed and committed.

Step 8. Teach them how to talk

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these problems have communication issues already. If you’re experiencing a lot of strife among your staff, you may want to provide communication and problem solving training. These courses teach employees how to effectively articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn will help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 9. Lead by example

Much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. A culture of respectful communication is a “top down” proposition. Business owners, directors, managers and other supervisors set the tone for interaction in the workplace.

By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that values integrity and communication. When you are open and honest, employees are more likely to do the same.

Looking for more tips on how to positively influence your team as a leader? Download our free magazine, The Insperity Guide to Leadership and Management.

 

Article by, by  in Leadership and management

Dealing With Difficult Employees

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difficult employeeThere are a few employees at my store who are great workers, but who really create tension among other staff members. How should I address this situation?

Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of tension from happening.

So why are people difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For others, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Here are a few tips on ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much  information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

Five Conflict Management Strategies

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Kenneth Kaye once said, “Conflict is neither good nor bad. Properly managed, it is absolutely vital.”

Highly effective leaders identify, understand and develop swift and smart resolutions to workplace conflicts, most of which demand some level of confrontation. Yet I’ve found many coaching clients dread confrontation, shifting the focus toward diversionary topics or simply turning a blind eye to avoid tough conversations. But running from conflict will not serve anyone well. Ultimately, the elephant in the room only grows or becomes much more unwieldy.

The implications of shunning confrontation range from a breakdown of communication and damaged relationships to lowered organizational productivity and morale. Here are some questions to consider when evaluating your ability to effectively confront employees during times of conflict. Be sure to write down your answers:

• On a scale of 1-5, how comfortable are you with having tough conversations?

• What is your go-to method for handling conflict with employees? E-mail, phone, face-to-face or other?

• Is it hard for you to manage your emotions effectively when talking about a challenging or fear-inducing situation?

• How do you create an open dialogue with your team, regardless of difficult circumstances?

• How do you exhibit poise and self-control in the presence of confrontations?

• How comfortable are you with giving what might be perceived as negative feedback?

If your answers to the above are less than appealing, the following tips can guide you to build a healthy workplace culture that faces confrontation at the right time with courage and confidence:

1. Identify the opportunity. Shift the lens through which you view conflict. By adopting a positive outlook on confrontation, you’ll discover that every conflict is a new opportunity for both the other party and you to grow, develop and learn. After all, if you have tended to avoid conflict, the underlying topics and details are likely things that you have rarely, if ever, discussed, representing growth opportunities and innovative approaches you have yet to uncover.

2. Build a culture that encourages giving and receiving feedback. Ask your team for their frequent, healthy feedback, and you will begin to show boldness and encourage transparency through your example. Allowing unpleasant truths to trickle out gradually fosters a sense of camaraderie and understanding within your organization, in turn reducing the risk of future conflict. What’s more, creating honest dialogue lets your employees know their opinions are valued, raising their level of engagement. Finally, when confrontations do arise, they will feel far more inclined to receive your concerns with an open mind and an appreciation of your opinion instead of reflexively thinking the sky is falling.

3. Be proactive, but resist jumping to conclusions. Prevent problematic behavior from escalating beyond repair by taking swift action, but do not jump to conclusions before reaching a full understanding of the situation. Assume positive intent to immediately activate a spirit that diffuses the situation. Another way to be proactive is to measure your words to avoid being the source of conflict in the first place. Saying, “I need to see you in my office at 3 p.m.” has the potential to spiral reactions that “Can we prioritize the risks on your project in my office at 3 p.m.?” would otherwise sidestep.

4. Do not use e-mail for conflict. If e-mail is your go-to to manage conflict, it is time to get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. Let your level of fear be your compass. The more emotion you are feeling, the more the situation is likely to be faced in person. If you don’t, you are subjecting yourself to the gravitational forces that pull these types of situations southward. Effective conflict management will require real-time awareness of the facts and your undivided attention.

5. Engage productively using storytelling. Before any confrontation, consider that the other person may be right from the beginning and question your own opinion. When you do present your concerns, start with storytelling if you can, rather than headlining with any abrupt, premature summaries of your stance on the matter(s) at hand. We experience our lives through stories, which are entertaining and engaging. Make your case and then create space for the other person to process and respond to you, and truly listen to them.

Using Humor To Alleviate The Burden Of Confrontation

Here’s an example conflict of a peer ignoring your emails or requests. Say you have an eight-year-old named Janet.

You: “You know, it’s hilarious that lately when I call Janet in the other room, I can holler four or five times, and no answer.”

Peer: “You, too, huh? Yeah, no one is exempt.”

You: “But if I yell something like ‘Hey, it’s time for ice cream!’ she’ll break furniture and run over the dog to get to me.”

Peer: (laughing) “As I said, no one is exempt.”

You: “I think I’m going to start sending you e-mails about ice cream.”

Now it’s all in the delivery, and every relationship requires its own special touch, but humor and storytelling, like in the example above, are much more effective than just sending an instant message or e-mail. Wouldn’t that be ironic saying, “Why don’t you answer any of my e-mails?”

By being fully accountable to the demands of leadership, and committing yourself to the above steps, almost every confrontation you have can be redirected toward a productive outcome. Those former self-doubts and insecurities that hindered your ability to face conflict will be replaced with confident, courageous resolve and an understanding of the healthy dynamics that can move your business forward faster than you ever thought possible.


Article by, Laura Berger
Laura Berger is principal at the Berdeo Group

How to Deal With Difficult People

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James C. Collins wrote the best seller: “Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…and Other’s Don’t.”  It has stood the test of time and sold over 4 million copies according to Wikipedia.

Jim has some very good advice that is contained in his seven characteristics of companies that went from good to great. For this column I am only going to deal with the first:

First Who, Then What: Get the right people on the bus, then figure out where to go. This is all about finding the right people and trying them out in different positions.

Of course to get the right people on the bus, you have to find out who may be the wrong people on the bus that perhaps have to get off.

Well that is all well and good if you are in a management role and have the authority to ask someone to politely get off the bus. What if you are a fellow rider and have to work with someone who should have been asked to get off a long time ago but for one reason or another, is still on the bus.  Now what?

Forbes.com published Kevin Kruse’s article “Dealing with Difficult People”.  The full article can be found here, but I am just going to summarize his excellent advice:

  1. Don’t get dragged down. Don’t get sucked into their world of negativity.
  2. Listen. Use good listening techniques.  They think no one is listening to them.
  3. Use a time for venting. Let the Downer vent for 5 minutes. Then move on.
  4. Don’t agree. Appeasing them only adds fuel to the fire.
  5. Don’t stay silent. Silence will be interpreted as agreement.
  6. Do switch extremes into facts. Switch them to fact-based statements.
  7. Move to problem solving. Help them move to a problem-solving mode.
  8. Cut them off. Nothing worked? Then politely shut them down.

You want to enjoy the company of those with whom you work while the wheels on the bus go round and round.

-David J. Bilinsky, Vancouver.

How To Deal With Explosive Anger

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I was on a mini vacation with my mom, and we were golfing on a beautiful Saturday with my uncle Ron and my cousin Debbie. My uncle is an average golfer. Some days he plays very well, and other days he isn’t so lucky.

Saturday was one of the best days he ever had on the golf course, and he was hitting the ball for miles (and he had a big grin on his face to show his pleasure with it too). It was turning out to be a great day.

Until the 4th hole.

Uncle Ron stepped up to the tee box and shot a drive that looked like Bubba Watson got a hold of it. Probably the best drive of his life. Perfectly straight, almost on the green (it was a par 4). And, about 50 yards past the group of golfers in front of us.

For those of you that are golfers, you realize that he just made a major gaff. You should never hit up to the golfers in front you, let alone past them. Someone could get seriously hurt by doing that.

Uncle Ron was 100% at fault and immediately felt terrible for this amazing shot. Terrible for what could have happened. Fortunately, he didn’t hit anyone (he was well over their heads actually).

One of the group in front of us was very upset by this (rightfully so) and hopped in his golf cart, and came racing back to us.

When he got to us before he said anything my uncle Ron started to apologize. He took full responsibility and was very good about his apology.

This wasn’t good enough for Mr. Golfer. He screamed and yelled. Uncle Ron said “I apologize” about four more times and then stopped talking. Clearly, nothing he said was getting through to Mr. Golfer.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.
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Then, he threatened all of us. Seriously. Now it is pretty hard to back down from a physical threat that was uncalled for. I gave my uncle credit though. Although he clarified “Are you threatening me?” he didn’t take the bait and didn’t get into it with Mr. Golfer. Clearly, he knew that this was a recipe for danger.

When we stopped responding, and he finished screaming, he got in his cart and started to drive away. On his final look at my cousin Debbie, he wagged his finger and told her “Not to be smiling at all about this!” She had a look of “holy cow!” on her face that was not a smile.

So, what would you have done in that situation?

I am guessing it was very difficult for my uncle not to defend himself (or us) as we were being threatened. It was very difficult not to yell back “I’ve said I’m sorry four times – what else do you want me to do?” It was very difficult not to get baited.

But it was the right thing to do. Yes, being threatened is wayway out of line. But the only way to make this guy go away was to stop talking. What would have been accomplished by arguing with him? Potential danger for sure.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

As appeared in the huffingtonpost on 14th July, 2017.

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by,
Tony Schwartz


Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebookand connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and  Twitter.com/Energy_Project

How to Handle Aggressive Behavior

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Three Tips for Dealing with a Person with Aggressive Behavior

Learning how to deal with aggressive behavior in your team members, your peers or even your manager will contribute to a healthier organization.

Our company has expertise in providing coaching for abrasive and aggressive managers.

In our Front Line Leadership program, we do an activity from a company called Human Synergistics that helps leaders identify whether the people they have conflict with are constructive, passive or aggressive.

Most leaders have the biggest challenge with aggressively defensive people and are eager to hear some tips for how to communicate more effectively with an aggressive individual.

It’s important to realize that aggressive behavior is defensive in nature.

While the majority of people protect themselves with more passive strategies like avoidance, playing by the rules or being liked and accepted by others, some people believe a strong offense is a good defense.

Their aggressiveness works most of the time by keeping people around them, back on their heels and fearful of the confrontation.

There are few defining characteristics that indicate a person is aggressive defensive.

First, they tend to argue and criticize, sometimes even when they don’t understand an issue.

By pointing out the flaws in others, they try to keep people from seeing their own flaws.  They’re reluctant to make suggestions for fear that it will open them up to being criticized by others.

Secondly, aggressive people tend to be overly controlling and like all decisions and information to flow through them.

They don’t share well and they don’t like to admit when they’re wrong.

Third, aggressive people tend to be overly competitive and constantly comparing themselves against others.  They hate losing and if they perceive even the chance of losing, they’ll tend to withdraw and retreat.

Here are three tips for dealing with an aggressive person:

#1 Be Direct

The only language an aggressive person understands is directness.

Hinting and beating around the bush will only add fuel to an aggressive person’s fire.

While it might take some courage standing up to an aggressive person and directly telling them to stop, you will usually gain their respect and cause them to be less aggressive – at least with you.

#2 Be Prepared with Facts and Figures

Be prepared by having the facts and figures on hand when communicating with an aggressive person.  This will help you counteract their strong opinions.

Remember that an aggressive person will form strong negative opinions in the absence of full information.  Your best tool to counteract those opinions is with good support of data.

The aggressive person will tend to withdraw rather than concede defeat so don’t expect them to change their mind or tell you that you’re right and that they’re wrong.

#3 Stay Engaged

It’ll be tempting for you to avoid dealing with the aggressive person.  Even though it will go against your instinct, keep building relationships with them.

Remember that they’re counting on their ill temper to keep people at a distance and protect their lack of self confidence and self esteem.

By continuing to engage them in small talk and involving them in decision making and problem solving, you’ll show them that they don’t have to be defensive towards you.

This could cause them to be less aggressive with you in the future.

Remaining confidently calm with aggressive people you interact with, will help you get maximum value from their contributions to the team and it might even help them get along better with their co-workers, because of your positive influence.

To continue your growth as a leader, you are invited to check out our books, videos and training workshops and join our Facebook community at: frontlineleadership.com

Action you can take:

Develop the leadership skills that front line supervisors, team leaders and managers need to improve safety, productivity and quality, while maximizing the involvement of all team members. Whether you need foundational skills or a specialized workshop, reach out and start a conversation today.

Article by,
Greg Schinkel, CSP, President
Front Line Leadership Systems
Develop the skills your team needs to drive results and maximize engagement.  Call us at 1-866-700-9043 or email info@frontlineleadership.com or use the link below to contact us today.

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

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We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.


Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business

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When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.

1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.

2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.

3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.

4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.

5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.

6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.

7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.

8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.

9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.

10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.

Article by, Nathalie Boutet

Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.

As appeared on theglobeandmail.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the ​bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict

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Build Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Multi-ethnic business people having a meaningful and appropriate confrontation.

A former colleague holds complete conversations in his head with people with whom he is angry. He rarely speaks directly with the other person. This anger in his mind continues to build because of his frustration, yet he never lets the other person know that he is frustrated and subsequently angry.

His conflict avoidance almost cost him his marriage because he didn’t let his wife into the conversations he was having with her but by himself.

It was almost too late by the time he did bring her into the real conversation.

His need to avoid confrontation is so strong that he has a safe confrontation in his mind and feels that he has dealt with the issue. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work – especially for the other person involved.

Are you guilty of holding mental conflicts and confrontations?

Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation. I understand the concept of having the conversation in your head; so you can plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sometimes these mental conversations are enough to settle the issue, as you realize you are making too much out of a simple situation.

I know that I have spent hours lying in bed at night having conversations with people with whom I am angry and frustrated. Not only does this practice disrupt your sleep, your attitude, and your health, it never really resolves the issue, and is potentially damaging to your relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you need to confront every action. If you have the conversation once in your head, don’t worry about it. If it comes back and you have it again, perhaps start thinking about holding a real conversation.

By the third in your head confrontation, you need to start planning how you will deal with the real confrontation because it looks as if you are going to need to do that.

How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation

Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.

For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.

Say instead, “It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see.”

(I’ve used additional communication techniques such as I-language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)

Make your initial statement and stop talking.

When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It’s a human tendency, but don’t make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.

Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.

Especially since you’ve probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it’s a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.

Avoid arguing during the confrontation.

Confrontation does not mean fight. It means that you need to state what you have say. Listen to what they have to say. Many times it actually ends right there.

Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take the blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.

Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.

If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she’ll say something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week.”

If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don’t get into an argument about whether she did or didn’t mention anything to the boss last week – that isn’t really the issue and don’t let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.

Your response could be, “I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project.”

Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.

The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don’t fight.

The issue is you aren’t receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That’s it. It isn’t about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.

You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can’t stand up for yourself, who will?

Article By, Rhonda Scharf

We Are All Mediators: How to Solve Conflict in the Workplace

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business analyst Conflict HandshakeMost employees and managers have a story about a conflict in the workplace that got out of hand. Sometimes, the events remain in the past, but sometimes they take root and lead to rifts within an office. 

Cold exchanges are made in the breakroom, two employees avoid eye contact in meetings, and projects slow to a crawl because of a breakdown in communication.

This all can be avoided with solid conflict resolution techniques.

Next time a problem flares up in the office, follow this method to identify the problems, find solutions and work toward fostering a positive team environment.

Conflict Occurs in Every Workplace

Even the most congenial offices face workplace conflicts throughout the year.

A.J. O’Connor Associates reports that American employees spend an average of 2.8 hours per week managing conflict, which results in $435 billion in lost productivity annually. The differences between a cooperative and a toxic office lie in how long problems take to get solved.

However, the survey also shows that conflict can be an opportunity for growth. In fact, 75 percent of employees said they have experienced positive outcomes from a well-managed conflict that might not have occurred without the conflict in the first place.

The key phrase here is “well-managed conflict,” as so many problems within the workplace are handled poorly.

The Two Types of Workplace Conflict

Before you can start to solve conflicts in your office, you need to know the types of conflict you’re dealing with.

In a study of 2,100 UK employees, CIPD found that 38 percent of employees experienced some sort of interpersonal conflict at work in the past year, and 25 percent said conflict is a normal part of the workplace. The team at CIPD then divides these incidents into two types: isolated disputes and ongoing conflict relationships.

While an isolated dispute occurs because of an event and can may only last a few days, ongoing conflict relationships can last for months and build with every new problem.

The type of conflict you’re dealing with will dictate how you solve the problem, but understand that they aren’t mutually exclusive conflicts — an isolated dispute handled poorly can lead to an ongoing conflict.

Addressing Conflict is a Key Management Skill

Business Analyst Conflict Meeting

Regardless of the level or severity of the issue, conflict needs to be addressed. The question is how it should be addressed.

The leadership team doesn’t have to step into every disagreement, but they should be able to in order to prevent problems from growing out of control.

“Leaders and employees who are not trained in conflict resolution often do not understand that conflict can be resolved as quickly as it comes on,” Dr. Bill Howatt writes at The Globe and Mail. “But when they are not resolved in a collaborative way and instead are left to fester, then the conflict has the opportunity to escalate.”

Howatt writes that conflict is a natural part of the workplace and can lead to important changes and a better understanding through communication.

Glenn Llopis agrees with Howatt. He says the tension must be addressed head-on, and management shouldn’t assume that the employee’s frustration will subside over time.

“Adversity is very big when it is all you can see,” he writes. “But it is very small when in the presence of all else that surrounds you.”

Acknowledging your colleague’s or your employee’s perspective (even if they’re still not getting their way) can validate their feelings and help both of you move toward a solution.

Evaluating the Severity of the Conflict

Before you address the conflict, you should evaluate the working relationship between the two parties in question. This will help you decide whether you should get involved or step back.

“In all of these cases, leaders need to consider two basic questions,” Tom Fox writes at the Washington Post. “How important is the issue? And, how important is this relationship? Your answers will determine whether to let it slide or try to resolve it.”

Fox highlights the relationship between employees and managers as an example. This is a highly important relationship, as both parties will have to keep working together even after the issue is solved. In this case, a third-party mediator (like a co-worker or higher-level employee) could help create a platform for communication.

Five Steps to Mediate Workplace Conflict

When mediating between two parties, it helps to have an established framework to use in order to fairly evaluate both sides. By being fair and procedural, you reduce the risk of isolated incidents becoming ongoing relationship conflicts.

Dr. Beverly Flaxington has created a five-step sample model that you can apply to most conflicts:

  1. Specify the desired outcome: Let each party explain what they’re hoping to achieve.
  2. Highlight and categorize the obstacles: Let each side voice their problems with the other’s goals or solutions.
  3. Identify the stakeholders: Talk about who will be affected by the decision outside of this meeting.
  4. Brainstorm possible alternatives: Find ways to meet in the middle or use a third option to solve the conflict.
  5. Take action based on the solution: By taking immediate action, you show that the discussion is over and there’s no point fighting against the decision.

Again, by giving both parties a fair chance to lobby for their choices, you’re validating your team members and treating them with respect.

Emotion and Fact Are Often Hard to Separate

Business Analyst Conflict Argue

“Humans are creatures of emotion,” writes Reuben Yonatan, CEO of GetVoIP. “If you haven’t already realized how combative people can become when they think their ideas are under attack, you’ll learn soon enough within a team setting.”

Most, if not all, conflict will be tied to some sort of emotion. Your goal as a leader is to separate the facts from the emotion and make the best possible decision.

For example, an employee might fight back against a new process because he says it’s too complex, but his real issue could be a fear of change or disengagement within the company. One incident is a symptom of a larger problem.

“When we are under stress, we revert to our primitive fight or flight response — the brain doesn’t appreciate that it’s not a lion attack but an irritable colleague,” Macarena Mata writes at HRZone.

“In very quick succession, effective communication becomes less effective, assumptions become ‘facts,’ psychological insecurities become our platform of communication and suddenly destructive workplace conflict erupts.”

Tapping Into Workplace Emotional Intelligence

The fact that conflict is so closely tied to emotion highlights the value of emotional intelligence in the workplace. Emotional intelligence is your ability to accurately track your emotions as they happen and evaluate the emotions of others. It is your ability to control how you react in certain situations while understanding why others might react differently.

Dr. Travis Bradberry reports that emotional intelligence (the foundation for traits like empathy, change tolerance and problem solving) is one of the most useful workplace skills and accounts for 58 percent of success in most positions.

He found that 90 percent of effective performers have high levels of emotional intelligence, but only 20 percent of the bottom performers do.

Learning to Recognize When You’re the Problem

In an article for She Owns It, Karen Doniere admits that it’s not a comfortable feeling to realize that there are emotional problems, cultural differences or generational rifts at the root of a problem — especially when it’s your own biases holding the team back.

However, if you’re mature enough to accept responsibility for the conflict and move forward, you can prevent the other parties from having a long-term personal conflict with you.

Identifying emotions can actually help managers resolve conflicts. By isolating the facts, they can focus on the core issues at hand instead of getting involved in personal disagreements.

Overcoming Your Fear of Conflict

The modern workplace has trained us to avoid conflict.

Employees worry about losing their jobs if they confront problems, and many managers are likewise scared to face issues and address their employees’ concerns. But the best managers know how to address conflicts in a productive manner.

“When you avoid conflict, you’re actually putting the focus squarely on yourself,” Amy Jen Suwrites at the Harvard Business Review.

Avoiding conflict means your fear motivates you — whether it’s the fear of having an idea shot down or the fear of causing tension in the workplace. This fear ultimately makes you an ineffective employee because the needs of the business will always be second to your own personal discomfort.

Creating a Conflict Discussion Roadmap

Rhonda Scharf has also seen fear paralyze her co-workers. She knew one man who almost lost his marriage because he wouldn’t communicate his problems to his wife. He would write entire conversations in his head addressing the issue but couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth!

To abate these fears, Scharf created a four-step process that people can follow when they want to address conflict in a way that opens the door for healthy discussion:

  1. State the issue in one or two non-emotional, fact-based sentences.
  2. Make your first statement, and then pause to let the other person address it.
  3. Figure out your ideal solution before the confrontation.
  4. Focus on the real issues of the confrontation.

Team members who fear conflict can mentally write out what they want to say following this process to temper the messiness of confrontation. In many ways, voicing your problems is a learning process. The more you do it, the better you will get.

The Dangers of Avoiding Office Conflict

Business Analyst Office Conflict

Even the best conflict-resolution managers avoid difficult conversations sometimes. However, difficult issues need to be addressed for the health of the company.

James Kerr notes that when management refuses to acknowledge conflict, the results are often diminished teamwork, reduced productivity and unresolved conflicts that ultimately can compel your top employees to leave.

“Those that can will move on to greener pastures when their current work environment becomes unbearable,” he writes. This often leaves management with just the people who benefit from the status quo. Companies constantly fight to recruit top talent, but a passive management style that doesn’t stop conflict could leave you with the worst people, not the best.  

Conflict Without Leadership Can Cause Bullying

The Trade Union Congress reports that 29 percent of workers have been bullied at work. Nearly half of these respondents said it has affected their performance along with their mental health.

By failing to address conflict in a fair and timely manner, you could be contributing to a culture of bullying within your office. Even if the bullies don’t realize the effects they have on their co-workers, your bullied employees will certainly see that you’re not doing anything to address the problem.

Ignoring Conflict Won’t Make it Go Away

Failing to address conflict doesn’t mean it isn’t there; it just means the conflict is occurring somewhere outside of your control.

“Organizations in which managers try to keep a lid on differences — of opinion, personal style, and cultural preferences — are usually riven with the undercurrents of unproductive conflict,”Muthu Subramanian writes.

When leaders encourage teams to address differences instead of suppressing, both parties can come up with opportunities to overcome and even embrace challenges.

Bullying, turnover, lost employees and a toxic workplace; is all of that worth giving into the fear of addressing conflict?

By improving your conflict-resolution skills, you will be able to solve more isolated problems and create a more positive work environment for your team. Furthermore, you will grow as a manager and continue to be an asset within your company.

Article Source: bobtheba.com

Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management

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Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience.  In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.

Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives:  at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities.  How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction.  The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.

The goal of  conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship.  When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:

Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.

Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.

Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.

Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager:  knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.

Conflict Management Styles

The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with.  These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict.  These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times.  However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.

1.    Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises.  This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.

2.    Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns.  Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice.  This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.

3.    Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.

4.    Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution:  one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals.  It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.

5.    Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.

Conflict Management Strategies

These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:

•    issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
•    relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
•    relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
•    available time:  how much time you have to resolve the issue.

By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.

Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:

1.    Avoid

Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict.  When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
•    the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
•    you are upset and need to time to cool off
•    there are more important issues to deal with
•    you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
•    you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.

However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.

2.    Accommodate

Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party.  Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time.  The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
•     an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
•    you realize you are wrong
•    the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
•    harmony in the relationship is extremely important.

The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful.  Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.

3.    Compromise

When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions.  However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can.  Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
•    people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
•    you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
•    the goals are moderately important.

However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details.  Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues.  The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.

4.    Collaborate

Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues.  The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns.  Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
•     the parties trust each other
•    it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
•    the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
•    the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.

The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy.  If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.

5.    Compete

Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken.  It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win.  Compete is appropriate when
•    you know you are right
•    time is short and a quick decision is needed
•    you need to stand up for your rights.

However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.

How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style.  Where has it worked for you?  Where did it let you down?  What were the consequences?

Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation.  The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.

In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict.  This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.

By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.

With these principles in mind, you are now ready for action. For more information, here is how  to prepare for a conflict meeting and conduct a conflict negotiation.

Article by,

© Astrid Baumgardner 2012

 

Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success.  In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and  Personal Branding and Networking.  She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

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Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.
How Smart People Handle Difficult People

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Travis Bradberry

Award-winning co-author of the best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart — a consultancy that serves more than 75 percent of Fortune 500 companies and is a leading provider of emotional intelligence tests, training and certification.

His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and the Harvard Business Review.

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

About the Author

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry.

4 Easy Steps to Deal with Difficult People

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By

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

It seemed like a simple task. Please switch my gym membership from gold to silver level. I’m not cancelling, just switching.

That was now the third time I repeated my request, each time a little more calmly and a little more slowly, despite the beginnings of blood boiling feelings.

The person on the other end of the phone could not have been ruder. It was as if I was asking for a kidney instead of a membership change. A harsh tone and harsher words ensued. Why, I still have no idea.

You have undoubtedly met them. You have maybe been one, once or twice.

Why are some people continually difficult to deal with? What makes Joe easy to get along with and John such a struggle? Here are the major reasons and what can be done about it.

1. We feel triggered when our needs aren’t met.

We love it when we are acknowledged. We may not be crazy about when we are criticized, but it beats Option #3: being ignored.

Being ignored is a terrible feeling for humans and one that we avoid like the plague. When this occurs, some people revert to “problem child” mode. These are the set of behavioral responses that are so ingrained that it is a reflexive series of actions. It is the default mode.

When you find yourself in such a situation, ask the big question: What is my positive intention here? What am I trying to accomplish? (Or: What is the other person trying to accomplish?)

If you can leave enough of the heated emotions aside, clearing enough space for some patience and I dare say, compassion, the root cause of the behavior often becomes crystal clear.

What are you trying to accomplish? Great. Let’s find a way of getting what you want in a healthy fashion…

2. Fear can lead to confrontation.

If we could somehow, some way reduce fear, 99% of the world’s problems would be resolved. Fear causes more complications and melodramatic dilemmas than all other emotions combined.

Fear is typically at the root when dealing with difficult people. They want something and fear it is either not being heard and will never be heard, or they are not deserving of having their voices heard in the first place.

Are these true? Probably not. They are stories we tell ourselves and believe as fact. Spoken enough, cycled enough in our heads, we proceed to “know them as truth” and act based upon these fictional anecdotes. Our bodies react with—you guessed it—fear.

Fear is a root emotion that originates from the kidney energy. The kidney energy is the source of all energy. Knowingly or unknowingly, we try to protect this at all times. Fear is the prime, albeit most ineffective method. How ironic!

Steering the person away from this base emotion is the key here. By choosing your words carefully and speaking them kindly, you can help divert a person from fear into the more advantageous and effective emotions. Once this occurs, the rest is easy.

3. A feeling of powerlessness can make people combative.

One of the most misquoted and misunderstood martial arts is the popular art of Aikido. Most people state that in Aikido, one is using the attacker’s energy against them. Morihei Ueshiba Sensei, founder of Aikido stated something much differently. He said, “We use our opponents’ energy to protect them…”

When there is a feeling of powerlessness—real or imagined—there is a tendency to go on the attack, so to speak. If one engages, things begin to escalate. That feeling of lacking personal power is the underlying reason. “I have no power so I must go on the offensive to protect myself, to regain lost power.”

We cannot take power from anyone without their consent. When we recognize this and remind the other person with compassion, we’re better able to defuse hostility. The more we acknowledge personal power, the less conflict arises.

4. We argue because we don’t want to “lose.”

The late self-improvement master Alexander Everett used to set up situations in schools that were based on cooperation, not competition. For example, track events were not Person A running against Person B; rather, they were about whether or not the team had an improved (total) time this month versus last month.

If they improved in April compared to March, the team was considered victorious.

When a conversation (or argument) is set up whereby there is the illusion of a  “winner” and a “loser,” conflict is bound to continue. Ill feelings are the “award” and nothing productive is accomplished.

How can the situation be set up so that both people receive what they desire? Note that this is much different than compromise. Compromise is a situation where a third option is agreed upon and neither party is happy with it.

At the end of the day, people are people. There are no truly difficult people, only those who have unrefined communication skills. Given the opportunity, everyone eventually finds their pure voice.

Profile photo of David Orman

About David Orman

David Orman is the creator of the country’s foremost anti-aging formula, Hgh Plus found at www.hghplus.net. He is also the author of the blog DocWellness.wordpress.com.

Tips and Tricks for Dealing with Difficult People

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Learn to Play Nice

I think it’s safe to say that all of us, at one time or another, have had to deal with a difficult person at work. But the good news is, you do not have to let them get the better of you! Below are proven tactics that can help you get past a co-worker’s difficult behavior.

From Know-It-Alls to Hecklers

Everyone has met these people. You may not have taken the time to categorize them, but difficult people generally fall into the following categories according to a Huffington Post article:

  • Talk hogs – dominate the discussion, either in a positive or negative way
  • Know-it-alls – chime in whenever, about whatever, no matter what is being discussed
  • Resenters – use dismissive hostility to make it known they would rather be anywhere else but at work
  • Hecklers – use off-putting remarks, backhanded compliments, and tasteless jokes
  • Gripers – constant complainers, always pointing out the negative side

No matter what kind of difficult behavior these people subscribe to, the air can be sucked right out of the room, and productivity screeches to a halt. It’s been said before and it will be said again, the only person you can truly control is you, so don’t let Debbie Downer or Steve the Bully get to you!

Don’t Let Them Push Your Buttons

There are four tactics to utilize to keep difficult people from getting a rise out of you:

  1. Keep emotion in check; stick to the facts of the situation, calmly state what you know, and what you can do to help
  2. Consider an alternative; in some cases it’s better to remove yourself from the situation (especially if the person just rubs you the wrong way and there is no way of getting past it) or engage a third party as an intermediary
  3. Don’t personalize it; when others are being difficult, sometimes the easiest course is to take it personally. Don’t; because it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you
  4. Collect yourself; for example, if you are conversing with a difficult person on the phone, pause and take a deep breath before responding, sometimes that moment makes all the difference in the world

Not matter what technique you may engage to deal with a difficult person, the situation may not be able to be diffused. In this case remember, only address the unwanted behavior, and not the person. No one benefits when it crosses the line and becomes personal.

I recently encountered a know-it-all when I was presenting to a group of about 35 individuals. She constantly interrupted and tried to correct me. It could have really rattled me, but I did not personalize it. I found out later that she does this to compensate for her own lack of self-esteem. I didn’t realize this until I personally witnessed her crying in front of another presenter. It took me back – I realized then that she was not the person who I thought she was.

Safety First, My Friends

Difficult can cross to scary before you know it, so be mindful of workplace safety for yourself and others. Remember the following:

  • Ask for help from others
  • Don’t get cornered
  • Avoid being alone with a difficult person
  • Try not to turn your back on a difficult person
  • Don’t take it personally

 

Article by, 

Dealing with difficult people: A guide

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British Prime Minister Tony Blair (L) shakes hands with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder at the Gleneagles Hotel for the G8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland July 7, 2005. Aid, debt relief and climate change will top the agenda when leaders of the G8 - the Group of Seven industrialised nations plus Russia - meet for three days in Gleneagles. UNICS REUTERS/Jim Young CRB - RTRGQCN

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

They set limits. Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

They rise above. Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

They stay aware of their emotions. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

They establish boundaries. This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They don’t die in the fight. Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

They don’t focus on problems—only solutions. Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

They don’t forget. Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk. Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

They get some sleep. I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

They use their support system. It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Article by,

Travis Bradberry, President, TalentSmart

6 Tips For Dealing With Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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1. I Am Really Ticked Off. Do I Have To Be Forgiving?

The last two years I’ve had several difficult personal and professional problems, which left me feeling mad, victimized and obsessed with a few people’s General Awfulness.

This is what Hell feels like: to be obsessed with a generally awful person who isn’t even aware of the turmoil he or she is causing. Heaven is to have forgiven — or to have forgiven-ish, the best you can, for now. When your heart is even slightly softer toward that person, and you are less clenched and aggrieved, you’ve been touched by grace.

Grace is spiritual WD-40. It eases our way out of grippy, self-righteous stuckness. The question is, how do we avail ourselves of it?

I’ve learned that if you want to have loving feelings, do loving things. We think we’ll eventually figure something out, and get over the grudge, and that this will constitute forgiveness. But it’s the opposite: We take an action and the insight follows. Any friendly action will do; intention is everything. We show up somewhere knowing the person who aggrieved us will be there, and we go up and say hi. If the person is a relative, we ask for help with the dishes. (This is very subversive.)

Any warm action will yield the insight — life is short, and Earth is Forgiveness School.

All of my resentments have been healed. That doesn’t mean I want to have lunch with those people, but my heart has softened, which is a miracle. One person still judges me, and bears false witness against me, but thankfully, that is not my business or my problem, because I have chosen freedom. Nothing is more wonderful.

Anne Lamott is the author of Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair.

2. What’s A Respectful Way To Defend My Beliefs?

When I became a political commentator, I looked for a refresher course in persuasion. Unfortunately, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs, had not yet been published. (I highly recommend it.) I did stumble across the Monty Python “Argument” sketch (“This isn’t an argument.” “Yes it is.” “No it isn’t.” “Yes it is.”), which sounds a lot like our current political discourse.

I approach every argument as if I’m trying to get out of a speeding ticket: with humor and respect. I listen. And when things get tense, I pretend I’m in a restaurant, debating what to order. Public policy isn’t coleslaw versus French fries, but persuasion starts with respecting that there are many valid choices. Another trick? Slow down. Powerful speech can come in at around 120 words per minute—angry or nervous speech can be about twice that. When all else fails, make a joke. There’s no better tool for reaching across the “I’ll.” Yes, I just said that. A little pun, even a bad one, goes a long way.

Donna Brazile is a syndicated columnist, political strategist, and contributor to CNN and ABC News.

3. What’s Code For “Mind Your Own Business?”

Dorothea Johnson is the founder of The Protocol School of Washington, and actress Liv Tyler is her granddaughter. They are the authors of Modern Manners: Tools to Take You to the Top.

Liv: Say, “Thank you for trying to help, but I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.” Often you can shut someone down by mentioning your feelings.

Dorothea: Offering thanks is diplomatic. Kill ‘em with kindness!

Liv: Even if something really offends you, ask yourself whether it contains some truth worth exploring later.

Dorothea: And don’t get argumentative about unsolicited advice. Take the high road. The low road is so crowded.

4. How Can Friends Stay Friendly?

Pals Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus have coauthored eight books; the most recent is The First Affair.

Emma: Going back to grade school, girls find comfort in friends who have the same tastes they do. Any difference can provoke anxiety. Some of our greatest tension has been about whether a character’s curtains should be cream or ecru!

Nicola: We’re with Ben Affleck: Like a marriage, friendship takes work — the same honest communication and frequent check-ins you need with a partner. Celebrate your conflicting opinions. They only make the relationship stronger.

5. Can I Maintain Sanity In My Nutty Office?

Even in toxic environment we can achieve a sense of calm, through meditation. No one has to know what you’re up to. Spend five minutes sitting at your desk, with your back straight but relaxed; try not to look directly at your computer. Breathe at your normal pace and frequency, then sharpen your focus by noticing the sensations in your nostrils, chest, abdomen. You’ll feel more balanced with each breath. And the next time a coworker frustrates you, be grateful that her nastiness comes your way only in two-minute bursts; she has to live inside that energy all the time.

Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg is the author of Real Happiness at Work.

6. Why Should I Hang Out with People Who Think Differently Than I Do?

Cultivating contacts outside your social circle brings a little ordered chaos into your life. Most of us find the idea of chaos stressful, but history suggests that the disorder following upheaval often brings unexpected benefits: The Plague, for example, helped usher in the Renaissance. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for catastrophe to strike; just form relationships with all kinds of individuals. I call them “unusual suspects,” because they’ll naturally push your thinking in new directions. Ask yourself which groups have made you a bit uncomfortable in the past, and try reaching out to them. (I’m from Israel, and one of my unusual suspects runs a church.) Make a point of getting together with your new connections with no agenda. Even if you just chat, you’ve created an opportunity for ideas to be born.

Article by, Ori Brafman

Ori Brafman is the coauthor of The Chaos Imperative: How Chance and Disruption Increase Innovation, Effectiveness, and Success.

Human Interaction: The Skill Nobody Ever Teaches You

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What’s more important: knowledge, work habits or the way we interact with others?

Recently, one of my clients was creating a project team. Several people volunteered, yet when they found out that Ms. So and So was going to be part of it, they quickly retracted their offers. The project hadn’t even started, yet they were already jumping ship at the mere thought of having to work with Ms. So and So.

Here’s the weird part: The person nobody wanted to work with was highly regarded for her knowledge of the subject, and she was generally known as a hard worker. What’s more, most of the team believed she probably wanted the best for the organization as a whole.

She was smart, she wanted to help and she had a good work ethic. So why didn’t anyone want to work with her?

Because her personality was so negative that she sucked the life out of people. With everyone already overworked to the max, they quickly decided that they weren’t willing to muster up the extra emotional energy needed to deal with her.

What’s sad is that I doubt she has any idea how she’s coming across. She probably thought all her criticisms and negative commentary were actually helpful.

Negative people rarely recognize just how challenging they make it for everyone else. However, seasoned managers quickly learn that the extra effort you have to expend managing a complainer just isn’t worth it.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the Fortune 500 or the PTA. A negative attitude will overshadow a high IQ, a strong desire to serve and even a great work ethic.

Ironic, isn’t it? We place so much emphasis on knowledge and work habits, yet the thing that often derails people is their interpersonal skills.

What’s even more ironic is that unless you’re a speech, drama or broadcast major, you can go all the way through college without ever getting any meaningful feedback on how you’re being perceived by others.

The challenge with over-the-top negativity is two-fold. First, the offender is usually so interpersonally unskilled he or she doesn’t recognize the problem. Numerous studies reveal that competent people tend to rate themselves much more harshly than incompetent people because a person’s incompetence literally blinds them to their own incompetence. (You’re entitled to a self-satisfied chortle here.)

But the second challenge is that no one calls them on it because we often assume that they’re doing it on purpose and that they like being a project killer.

So the smart, on-time-with-their-work-yet-emotionally-clueless person continues to over-complain (or needle people about inconsequential issues, or whine, or make negative assumptions, etc.), oblivious to the fact that the rest of the team is deflating by the moment.

The solution is simple: Get some training. We don’t expect people to learn chemistry without a teacher; why should we expect people to instinctively know how to create positive interactions?

Don’t get me wrong: You don’t have to ooze charisma or become a Pollyanna. People are just fine working with shy, quiet people, and nobody expects a non-stop cheerleader.

But if every comment you make is negative or critical, you’re probably detracting from the group more than you’re adding to it. Your knowledge may be valuable, but if you consistently serve it up with a scowl, nobody is going to want to hear it.

Bottom line: Learning how to evoke positive feelings in others isn’t cutesy; it’s critical.

Can I Quit

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Is it OK to give up on your difficult person?

There may come a time in your relationship with your difficult person when you realize it is never going to work out. You are never going to reach a middle ground. You are never going to change their behaviour.

Is it OK to give up? Absolutely!

We have choices to make in life. Times when you have to decide to accept a situation, change it, or leave it.

We have to make choices in life. Here’s how https://ctt.ec/R61_b+ Thanks @RhondaScharf

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Accept the situation the way it is. Emotionally detach yourself from it (thereby removing all of the stress the situation causes). This is the “let go of it” approach to dealing with your difficult person. Just let it go. Accept that it is what it is, and decide you aren’t going to worry about it anymore. I have accepted that it snows in January in Ottawa, and I don’t give it another moment of thought. I have accepted that politicians don’t always do what they say they are going to do. I have accepted that my teenaged daughter is not ever going to clean the way I want her to.

Try to change the situation so it works better for you. You’ve probably already tried to do this. Tried to make the situation tolerable or to deal with it in some way. You attended a seminar on dealing with difficult people, you read books, you searched the Internet for advice. You formed an action plan, a strategy and had an end result in mind.

Walk away from the situation entirely. In the case of a difficult person, this means leaving the relationship. Quit your job, change departments,  no longer work with this person ever again. It means leaving the relationship and the family that goes with it. You can say hello when you see the person in the future, but the relationship will be similar to what you would have with a stranger. You leave the relationship emotionally.

When you give up, you choose to either accept the situation or leave the situation.

Accepting and leaving are not the same as quitting. By choosing to accept or leave, you are making a choice that is right for you. That isn’t quitting. Quitting implies a lack of choice. When you choose to accept or leave, you are making a choice. You have chosen what is right for you.

I ended a friendship I had with someone who became too high-maintenance for me. She moved into the category of difficult person because it seemed that I could never be the friend she wanted me to be. It didn’t matter what I did, it wasn’t enough, or it wasn’t right.

I tried for a very long time to find the middle ground in our friendship. I was never successful. I thought about accepting her the way she was, giving her what she needed and not worrying about what I needed. I was unable to do that stress-free (because I couldn’t emotionally detach myself). I tried to find middle ground (change things), and wasn’t being successful. So I left the friendship. I gave up on it, and I’m OK with that.

Giving up on your difficult person is not the same as quitting. https://ctt.ec/c6DBR+ @RhondaScharf

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What I didn’t do was continue the friendship, complain about her high-maintenance personality and continue to be stressed during our time together. It wasn’t worth it to me.

I decided to walk away. That was the right solution for me.

Go ahead and give up on your difficult relationship if that is the right decision for you. It’s a smart person who knows when to stop pushing forward and try another path.

– As appeared in The Huffington Post January 31, 2017

How To Deal With Difficult People

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Article by, Darylen Cote

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Whiners, Know-It-Alls, and Steamrollers: Strategies to cope with even the most hard-to-take personalities.

We’ve all been there. There are just some people we can’t stand! Perhaps it’s the Whiner whose complaining drives you to distraction. Or it may be the Steamroller who makes you crazy—the person who pushes her ideas and never lets others get a word. People like this can make your PTO leadership experience seem endless and stressful, even blocking achievement of some of your most critical goals.

Every person has his own triggers when it comes to dealing with difficult people. Those triggers stem from your background, perspectives, and from your goals in the situation at hand. But there is good news. There are ways to deal with even the most difficult people that can bring out both their best and your best.

The first step, described by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner in their book Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, is to get to know your difficult person—to know what needs that person may be trying to fulfill that cause the problematic behavior. Successful leaders listen carefully to figure out the underlying motives.

Generally, people in any given situation are task oriented or people oriented. Their concerns center on one of four goals: getting the task done, getting the task done right, getting along with people, or being appreciated by people. When they perceive that their concern is threatened—the task is not getting done, it is being done incorrectly, people are becoming angry in the process, or they feel unappreciated for their contributions—difficult people resort to certain knee-jerk responses. Responses range from the passive, such as withdrawal, to aggressive, such as steamrolling or exploding. The difficult person often does not recognize that his behavior contributes to the very problems that he is attempting to address.

Brinkman and Kirschner identify 10 different behavior patterns often exhibited by people under pressure.

  • The Steamroller (or Tank): Aggressive and angry. Victims can feel paralyzed, as though they’ve been flattened.
  • The Sniper: The Sniper’s forte is sarcasm, rude remarks, and eye rolls. Victims look and feel foolish.
  • The Know-It-All: Wielding great authority and knowledge, Know-It-Alls do have lots to offer, are generally competent, and can’t stand to be contradicted or corrected. But they will go out of their way to correct you.
  • The Grenade: Grenades tend to explode into uncontrolled ranting that has little, if anything, to do with what has actually happened.
  • The Think They Know It All: A cocksure attitude often fools people into believing their phony “facts.”
  • The Yes Person: Someone who wants to please others so much that she never says no.
  • The Maybe Person: Procrastinating, hoping to steer clear of choices that will hurt feelings, he avoids decisions, causing plenty of frustration along the way.
  • The Blank Wall (or Nothing Person): This person offers only a blank stare, no verbal or nonverbal signals.
  • The No Person: He spreads gloom, doom, and despair whenever any new ideas arise, or even when old ones are recycled. The No Person saps energy from a group in an amazingly short time.
  • The Whiner: Whiners feel helpless most of the time and become overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. They want things to be perfect, but nothing seems to go right. Whiners want to share their misery.

Just Get It Done!

Chances are you have had to deal with at least a few of these characters. These are not odd or weird people. They may even be you upon occasion. Everyone has the potential to be difficult given the right, or wrong, circumstances. To understand why, return to the concept of a basic orientation toward people or task. Couple that with the typical ways people respond under pressure, on a continuum from aggressive to assertive to passive. Then add in the goals people have under different circumstances.

According to Brinkman and Kirschner, when the goal is to “get it done,” people with a task orientation and aggressive temperament tend to dig in and become more controlling. They are the Snipers, the Steamrollers, and the Know-It-Alls. From their point of view, the rest of us are goofing off, obtuse, or just plain taking too long. The Steamroller can run over you if you get in the way. The Sniper often uses sarcasm to embarrass and humiliate at strategic moments. The Know-It-All dominates with erudite, lengthy arguments that discredit others and wear down opponents.

When the goal is to “get it right,” people under pressure who still have a task orientation but a more passive personality become helpless, hopeless, and/or perfectionistic. They become the Whiners, No People, and Blank Walls. When Whiners are thwarted, they begin to feel helpless and generalize to the entire world. Instead of looking for solutions, they complain endlessly that nothing is right, exacerbating the situation by annoying everyone around them.

No People feel more hopeless than helpless. Like A.A. Milne’s Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, their sense of gloom carries its own cloud. Their certainty that things can never be right can pull down morale for an entire group. Blank Walls simply withdraw. They will bear no responsibility when things aren’t exactly right.

Drive To Survive

People who want to “get along” tend to focus more on the people in a situation. When they are innately passive, they become approval-seeking Yes People, Maybe People, and sometimes Blank Walls. Yes People overcommit and underdeliver in an effort to please everyone. Their lack of follow-through can have disastrous consequences for which they do not feel responsible, because they are just trying to be helpful. When, instead, the people they want to get along with become furious, they may offer to do even more, building their lives on what other people want and also building a deep well of resentment.

Maybe People avoid conflict by avoiding any choice at all. Making a choice may upset someone, and then blame will be heaped on the person who decided. Maybe People delay choosing until the choice is made for them by someone else or by the circumstances. When Blank Walls have a people orientation, they want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. The old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” gets carried to the ultimate extreme in this case. But Blank Walls also avoid sharing anything genuine or honest about themselves and therefore never really achieve the “getting along” goal.

Like To Be Liked

To “get appreciated” is the ultimate goal of people-focused, more aggressive folks. They include the Grenade, the Think They Know It All, and sometimes the Sniper. They share attention-seeking behaviors that never accomplish what they intend. The Grenades are aggressive Rodney Dangerfields; they think they get no respect or appreciation. When that feeling builds to a certain point, they have an adult temper tantrum. It’s not pretty and it certainly gets attention, but blowing up never gets them to the ultimate goal of appreciation.

The Think They Know It All person knows a little bit about a lot. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic that his half-facts and exaggerations can sound plausible and persuasive. When people discover that these people really don’t know what they are talking about, the attention they seek becomes negative.

The Sniper in this case is attempting to gain attention by being playful. Many people engage in playful sniping, but we all need to be careful about how it is being received. Whether it is funny or painful is truly in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes this kind of sniping is passed off as teasing, which can leave scars even when it’s friendly.

Looking in the Mirror

So what can you do to change the course of your interactions with these difficult people? There are some simple strategies that work well with practice and patience.

In general, when your difficult person speaks, make your goal habit number five in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand.” Often, unless you’re dealing with the Grenade or other overt hostility, it helps to mirror some of the nonverbal cues the person displays. Don’t overdo, as it can look like mocking if you copy every gesture. Your aim, according to Brinkman and Kirschner, is “blending.” If you adopt some of the same traits as your person, such as a facial expression or posture, you send the message that you are “with” them, on the same wave length. Blending begins to facilitate trust. Often we do this kind of thing without even noticing that it’s happening. You also need to blend vocally with the person you’re trying to understand. Volume and pace are two examples of how to blend with another person. Blending is how you begin to build rapport with people and signal that you are really listening. The only exception is yelling.

Also, some of what the person says needs to be repeated in a technique that counselors call “reflection.” This is a way of feeding back what you’ve heard, on both feeling and content levels, so that a person is sure that you’ve heard him. With no interpretation and without parroting exactly, use some of his actual words to demonstrate your understanding. How much to do it depends on the person you’re dealing with. With Steamrollers, keep reflection to a minimum. With Know-It-Alls, Yes People, and Maybe People, a great deal of reflection may be useful. This is especially true on the feeling level with Yes and Maybe People.

Get to the Real Issues

Next, ask clarifying questions to help your difficult person open up and to ensure that you fully understand all she has to say. The kinds of questions you want are open-ended, those to which there is more than a yes or no answer. They begin with what, how, where, who, when, and sometimes why—without an accusatory tone. A simple “Tell me more about…” can also serve the same purpose.

The importance of this information-gathering stage cannot be overstated. It keeps you out of a reactionary mode and helps you bring all of the issues to the surface. At the same time, it shows that you really care about what the person has to say. It can also begin to defuse emotions and help the person think more logically.

Finally, still in a “seek to understand” mode, summarize what you have heard and confirm your understanding. Do not assume you “got it.” Ask, “Did I get it right?” If not, keep listening until the person is satisfied that you understand.

The next step in the process has to do with attitude. Search for and acknowledge that the other person’s intentions are positive. This means giving the person you are dealing with the benefit of the doubt. Brinkman and Kirschner advise, “Ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind a person’s communication or behavior and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up. Even if the intent you try to blend with isn’t true, you can still get a good response and create rapport.”

Some Specific Responses

Consider this example.

“One of the duties of the vice president is to choose which six members go to the PTO Show this year,” Jerry reminded Jennifer again. “You have only two weeks before the deadline. Do you have any idea whom you want to go?”

“Not yet,” said Jennifer. “I want to be sure I make the right decision.”

“People need to make their plans, and we need to commit the money. The sooner you make a decision, the better for everyone,” prodded Jerry.

“OK. I’ll get to it,” promised Jennifer.

The next week, when Jerry inquired again, Jennifer said, “I’m still thinking about it!”

Jennifer is a Maybe Person. She will delay her decision until there is almost no decision to make because the deadline has passed or people can no longer rearrange their schedules with the short notice. Jerry might say to Jennifer, “I appreciate the care you are taking with this decision, Jennifer. I know you don’t want to leave out anyone who would like to go or who deserves this special reward. Who have you considered?” Simply stating understanding of Jennifer’s positive intention may unlock her indecision enough to move forward.

The next step to take when conflict emerges is to go beyond people’s stated positions to identify underlying interests or objectives. Brinkman and Kirschner call these “highly valued criteria.” They are the “reasons why” people desire specific outcomes.

Here’s another example:

Susan had agreed to chair the annual PTO carnival. The second planning meeting was underway when Marge, the vice president of the group and also the immediate past chairperson, barged into the room and started to berate Susan. “I heard that you’re eliminating the dunking booth! What a dumb decision. Don’t you have any brains at all? I thought you’d do a good job and now you’re making decisions that will ruin our carnival! Now here’s what you have to do…” And with that she barked orders while everyone else on the committee stared in disbelief. As quickly as she had come, she turned around and left.

Marge typifies the aggressive, angry style of the Tank or Steamroller. Once Susan gets her calmed down, it would be important to ask, “Why the dunking booth?” If she replies that the day invariably is hot and people enjoy the splashing and cooling effect of the water, then you have her underlying interest on the table. Another water game might satisfy that interest just as well, but you do need to slow the Steamroller down before you can get to the whys.

Say What You Mean

Stephen Covey’s habit number five also has a second part. Part one, “Seek first to understand …,” is followed by part two, “…then to be understood.” Once you have put in the time and hard work of deep listening, the goal is to speak so that you may in turn be understood. But watch your tone of voice. The old saying applies: It’s not just what you say but also how you say it.

The next step is to state your positive intentions: “I care that people at the carnival have a chance to cool off, too. I want to make it a fun and safe day.” When the Steamroller starts to interrupt again, tactfully intervene. Repeating someone’s name over and over until she stops to listen can accomplish that end. So Susan might say, “Marge. Marge. Excuse me, Marge.” Once the person has paused, you can insert your positive intent or a clarifying question, for instance. Then speak about the situation as you honestly see it. Use “I” statements, be as specific as possible, point out the impact of the behavior, and suggest a new behavior or option.

So Susan might say, “Marge, I appreciate your input. I know you want the carnival to go well, the same as I do. We replaced the dunking booth with another feature for a good reason. When you try to override our decisions without asking why, it sure makes the rest of us feel like our work isn’t worth much. Would you sit down and discuss our plans with us?” Marge may try to raise the volume and continue to steamroll, at which point Susan would need to start repeating her name again until she stops. Once Susan gets her piece said, she will need to be ready to stop and listen again.

When you have a Blank Wall, the person who chooses the ultimate passive response instead of an aggressive response, your tactics need to be a little different. First, even though you may not feel particularly relaxed, calm yourself. It will not help to push, so plan plenty of time. Ask the open-ended questions with an expectant tone and body language. Try to lighten things up with absurd guesses as to the cause of the silence. Be careful with humor, but if you can get at least a smile, it’s a beginning.

Make It a Habit

Difficult people are really all of us. Depending on the circumstances and our own perspectives, our behaviors can slip-slide into the childish, rude, or even churlish realms. The key is to think first instead of simply reacting when we feel pressured by time or by the competing interests and needs of others.

Thoughtful responses can help people identify their real needs and break negative behavior patterns that don’t serve anyone well. If you make a habit of listening deeply, assuming best intentions, looking for common ground, reinforcing and expecting people’s best behavior along the way, then the difficult people in your life may come to view you as a respected friend—as opposed to one of their most difficult people.

As appeared on ptotoday.com

New Supervisor Worries

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Help Me Rhonda:

I’m new to my company, in my first supervisory position. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and I want to be seen as a friendly boss but I feel like I’m being tested every day by my new staff members. For example, two of them will often be chatting to each other (in what is clearly a personal conversation), completely ignoring a ringing phone or the work they have to do. They won’t even stop when I walk by, and it feels like they are almost daring me to say something. How do I fix this situation without pulling rank or being too bossy?

Signed,
Cautious of Overstepping

Dear Cautious of Overstepping,

You’re absolutely right, they are testing you and right now you are not getting a passing grade.

Remember when we were in high school and a substitute teacher would come in? We’d put that poor teacher through the ringer just to see what we could get away with. We’d learn very quickly which substitutes would tolerate our bad behavior and which ones wouldn’t let us get away with anything. Your employees are doing exactly that to you.

Which would you choose? Making friends or being effective as a supervisor? https://ctt.ec/AD1Wb+ @RhondaScharf

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At the moment, you seem more concerned with them liking you as a person than doing your job effectively. Work is not a popularity contest. They don’t have to like you. You do have to pay the rent and buy groceries though, so given a choice which would you choose, making friends or being effective as a supervisor? (Hint: If you choose making friends, then I would suggest that a supervisory position is not the right one for you).

The good news is that you can be an effective supervisor without alienating your employees. You can be friendly and still garner the respect your position deserves and ensure that the work gets done. If they decide to dislike you because you are expecting them to do their jobs, it sounds like they wouldn’t be the best kind of friends anyway.

The key is for you to be respectful, polite, specific and clear. That will demonstrate that you see what is happening but you aren’t making a big deal about it. The next time you walk by and the telephone is ringing, say: “Diane, could you please answer that ringing telephone?”

She will probably give you a funny look, but answer the phone anyway; or she’ll tell you why she isn’t answering the telephone. If she refuses, or if it happens over and over again then you’ll need to have a more detailed conversation with her.

Let’s assume the testing is continuing, the phone is continuing to ring, and you don’t feel that your instructions to answer the phone promptly are being followed when you aren’t around.

That’s when the DESC strategy will come in handy for you. DESC lets you plan what you are going to say:

D – Describe the situation objectively (rather than subjectively). Keep it black and white; state the facts with no interpretation of those facts yet. Your goal is to get them to look at you and wonder where you are going with this. Their likely response will be, “So?”.

“Diane, I couldn’t help but notice that the last four times I came out of my office you were engaging with Michelle in a conversation that didn’t appear to be work related.”

E – Explain the problem. This is where you give your interpretation and perhaps the consequences of the situation. After you make this statement, you should be prepared for a defense statement from them.

“It actually makes it look like you do more socializing than working, and when deadlines aren’t met I can’t help but think that if you chatted less and worked more we could get everything done on time.”

S – Solution. Offer a solution or ask for a solution. Always begin with the end in mind. Know what you want the solution to be before you ever have the confrontation.

“Could you and Michelle please restrict your socializing to coffee and lunch breaks?”

C – Commitment or Consequence. You want to get the other person to agree with you or make some type of comment that at least affirms that they have heard and understood you. You don’t want this to be a lecture, but more of a discussion.

“Does that sound reasonable to you?” (wait for the answer).

or

Consequence. If your position warrants it, and it’s necessary, you can give a consequence.

“Since this is the second time that I’ve mentioned it to you, I will tell you that if we need to have this conversation again, it will be an official conversation and a record of the conversation will go into your personnel file.”

Say what needs to be said respectfully and politely. Here’s how https://ctt.ec/pamQa+ @RhondaScharf

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Let them speak, defend or whatever will keep the conversation going. Don’t lecture. Do your best to get agreement (commitment) from them during the conversation. If necessary, follow up with an email.

You don’t have to be a tyrant but you are being paid to supervise, and although you are working with adults we all sometimes need to know what we can get away with and what we can’t. Set boundaries. Say what needs to be said, respectfully and professionally.

Your job is to be an excellent supervisor, not make friends. However, you can do both if you approach situations methodically and professionally.

Good luck.
Rhonda

3 Steps To Managing Workplace Conflict With Emotional Intelligence

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No matter how great a corporate culture you create, no matter how good a role model you are, it’s inevitable that situations will arise that require you to mitigate emotional stress within the ranks. Personal conflicts, outside pressures, and job-related stress will eventually become a factor to be dealt with in any workplace setting. How well leaders handle those situations depends on their emotional intelligence.

Managers often make one of two common mistakes when dealing with an emotional situation.

  • The manager attempts to invalidate or downplay an emotional conflict and becomes a player in the emotional drama himself.
  • The manager simply ignores the job-affecting emotions, hoping they will resolve themselves.

When the manager or group leader tries to downplay or dismiss a worker’s emotions, he or she inevitably creates a bigger problem. Not only does this raise the emotional stakes, but it now creates a situation in which negative emotions are directed at the manager. Though this is very common and, arguably, a natural form of response from busy managers with plenty on their plates, it’s incumbent upon leaders to avoid leaving an employee feeling slighted in this way.

Likewise, ignoring the problem often creates a snowball effect, where resentment and negative emotions continue to grow, making the situation worse. It’s always better to address emotionally-wrought problems earlier rather than later.

There is a three-step formula, however, which comes naturally to emotionally intelligent leaders. It is one that can easily be employed by any manager to take the edge off an emotional situation. This formula does not attempt to solve the problem itself, but is geared toward addressing and neutralizing the emotions so that the problem can then be approached in a more objective and effective manner.

Step 1: Acknowledge

More than anything, people want their feelings to be acknowledged. It may seem overly simple at first, but a statement such as, “I want you to know, I understand you are feeling very stressed right now,” can go miles toward lowering the emotional stakes of a situation. Everyone wants to feel understood, and acknowledgment is not difficult or compromising to do. Further, it doesn’t concede agreement with the emotional state; only empathy.

Step 2: Positively substitute

There is great power in a positive outlook and almost any negative situation can be framed in a positive light. A manager with emotional wisdom may say something like, “I know you are under a lot of stress, and I know a great deal of it is because you are a great employee and want to do the very best job you can.” What the manager has done in this example is to mitigate a negative emotion with the positive emotion of personal pride in a job well done. This doesn’t alleviate the first emotion, but it adds a positive perspective into the conversation.

Step 3: Suggest, re-acknowledge and appreciate

Not all situations are within the control of the manager. An increased workload that has come down from above may not be able to be removed, for example. What the manager can do is suggest ways he or she might be able to help, re-acknowledge the emotions involved and offer appreciation for the employee. “I cannot promise anything, but I will try to see if there is any way to lighten your load. I understand you are feeling stressed and I want you to know I really appreciate your efforts.” By saying this, you have reassured the employee without making binding promises, and reinforced a sense of empathy and appreciation.

Article by, Scott Allen

Scott “Social Media” Allen is a 25-year veteran technology entrepreneur, executive and consultant. He’s coauthor of The Virtual Handshake: Opening Doors and Closing Deals Online, the first book on the business use of social media, and The Emergence of The Relationship Economy.

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

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She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By, Deepak Chopra

How To Handle An Angry Outburst In The Workplace

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Have you ever been so angry you couldn’t speak? Have your buttons been pushed so that your detonation switch was triggered?

I can relate. I have been so angry that I have lashed out like a two-year-old. I have avoided people after saying something I deeply regret. I have lived those moments in my head over and over again.

And I have learned, albeit the hard way, that when I am angry it’s best for me to say nothing at all.

But that’s easier said than done.

Experts tell us that the average explosion of anger is 45 seconds long. Try being on the receiving end of 45 seconds of anger, frustration, and undoubtedly unprofessional behaviour. But, sadly, it does happen in the workplace as well as in our personal lives.

It is important to take the high road can remain calm. Here’s how https://ctt.ec/6OTaf+ @RhondaScharf

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When your opponent is letting loose on you, it is important to take the high road, to remain calm, and to avoid saying something you will regret saying.

But how do you do that?

Rather than focusing on your anger, focus on hearing what the other person is saying. Don’t listen to what they are saying — hearing and listening are two totally different things. Hear past the person’s words, and try to understand what they are trying to tell you.

When they are finished, avoid the temptation to ask them if they are finished yet (remember, we are trying to be professional here). Let two or three full seconds pass before you say anything. Maintain eye contact. Remember that you still have to work with this person in the future (or attend family gatherings with them).

When the time has passed (to ensure they are indeed finished), put on your most “adult” voice, with as much calm as you can muster, and say, “I’m sorry you feel this way.”

This, in my opinion, is a beautiful statement. It does not mean that you agree with what they are upset about; it does not mean anything, really. You probably are sorry they feel this way, because if they weren’t so upset, you wouldn’t be at the receiving end of this explosion (and undoubtedly your day would be better).

Don’t say anything after that. Stop talking. Let them get the final bits of anger and frustration out. Don’t become a sponge, and don’t absorb what they are saying. Don’t defend yourself, or even comment on what was said at this point.

This will be difficult.

Here’s something that will be even harder: to simply walk away. Walking away and remaining quiet are two of the most important things you will ever do. You can’t say the wrong thing when you walk away. And it gives you time to ensure that you do say the right thing.

Before you walk away, you do need to indicate that this person’s behaviour is not acceptable and that you both need to do something about it. Say, “I agree that we need to talk about what just happened.” (Be sure to avoid the word “you.” Don’t say “We need to talk about what you just said.” Although true, it creates defensiveness and your opponent will not listen to what you said.)

Say, “Let’s get together again in two hours in my/your office to discuss this.” And then leave. If two hours is not OK with your opponent, leave it up to them to reschedule.

You do need to deal with the issue. But the middle of an angry confrontation is not the right place, and certainly not the right time. You need to prepare yourself for what you have to say, how you want to say it, and ensure that you are focused on the real issue and not caught up in the emotions of the situation.

I am certainly not telling you to avoid confrontation. You know I teach a webinar and deliver training programs on how to do that effectively. I am telling you to gain control of an explosive situation. At this point, you have no control. You will not say the right thing. You need time to settle down, gather your wits and your professionalism and take the high road.

When I was much younger, I worked with a man who was very verbal with his frustration. Since I was the new kid on the block, I appeared to be the easiest target. The first time it happened I had absolutely no idea what to say or do, and I was completely dumbfounded and speechless (which quite frankly, rarely happens to me). I said nothing.

One of the other more experienced people in the office came up to me and let me know that saying nothing was the perfect response. Jim wanted to fight, and by not responding, he couldn’t fight with me.

The next time it happened, I again said nothing; but I didn’t feel good about that response because his behaviour was clearly continuing. I was not about to be his verbal punching bag.

The third time it happened, I did say that I was sorry that he felt that way, but that taking out his anger on me was inappropriate and unprofessional. He had just been “told” by a 19-year-old, and he looked juvenile. I knew there was a silent round of applause for me that day. The next day (it took me a while to gather my bravado for this), I approached him, in private, and told him that if he was upset about anything that I did, I would appreciate if he spoke to me privately instead of in front of everyone. I don’t honestly remember what else I said (19 was a long time ago), but I do know that it worked, even though I was shaking in my boots.

Jim found a new target. I didn’t change his behaviour completely, but I did let him know that I wasn’t going to OK with his exploding on me, especially in public. He found someone else who would let him fight.

It is very hard to stand up to a bully. Here’s what to do http://qitly.com?5n7 @RhondaScharf

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It is very hard to stand up to a bully. It is very hard to take the high road. It is hard not to say exactly what you are thinking, but it is well worth the effort.

So the next time someone starts screaming at you, imagine that you are being watched by an invisible camera and look as professional, calm and in control as you possibly can be — on the outside, anyway.

As appeared in the Huffington Post on January 3, 2017

5 Conflict Management Strategies

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Don't let conflicts get out of control.In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances. Unmanaged or poorly managed conflicts generate a breakdown in trust and lost productivity. For small businesses, where success often hinges on the cohesion of a few people, loss of trust and productivity can signal the death of the business. With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.

Accommodating

The accommodating strategy essentially entails giving the opposing side what it wants. The use of accommodation often occurs when one of the parties wishes to keep the peace or perceives the issue as minor. For example, a business that requires formal dress may institute a “casual Friday” policy as a low-stakes means of keeping the peace with the rank and file. Employees who use accommodation as a primary conflict management strategy, however, may keep track and develop resentment.

Avoiding

The avoidance strategy seeks to put off conflict indefinitely. By delaying or ignoring the conflict, the avoider hopes the problem resolves itself without a confrontation. Those who actively avoid conflict frequently have low esteem or hold a position of low power. In some circumstances, avoiding can serve as a profitable conflict management strategy, such as after the dismissal of a popular but unproductive employee. The hiring of a more productive replacement for the position soothes much of the conflict.

Collaborating

Collaboration works by integrating ideas set out by multiple people. The object is to find a creative solution acceptable to everyone. Collaboration, though useful, calls for a significant time commitment not appropriate to all conflicts. For example, a business owner should work collaboratively with the manager to establish policies, but collaborative decision-making regarding office supplies wastes time better spent on other activities..

Compromising

The compromising strategy typically calls for both sides of a conflict to give up elements of their position in order to establish an acceptable, if not agreeable, solution. This strategy prevails most often in conflicts where the parties hold approximately equivalent power. Business owners frequently employ compromise during contract negotiations with other businesses when each party stands to lose something valuable, such as a customer or necessary service.

Competing

Competition operates as a zero-sum game, in which one side wins and other loses. Highly assertive personalities often fall back on competition as a conflict management strategy. The competitive strategy works best in a limited number of conflicts, such as emergency situations. In general, business owners benefit from holding the competitive strategy in reserve for crisis situations and decisions that generate ill-will, such as pay cuts or layoffs.

Article By,
Eric Dontigney as Appeared on www.smallbusiness.chron.com

Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer

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REFUSING FLOWERS

I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!

An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.

Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away

I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

Article by,
Rhonda Scharf Headshot

Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

As appeared in the Huffington Post on December 13, 2016

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by, Tony Schwartz


Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

We Need To Build Bridges, Not Walls

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 bridge

The U.S. election has unleashed a style of aggression, anger and hatred created like no other. There have been friendships lost, families torn apart, and relationships that will take a very long time to repair. If they even can repair.

Sadly this type of situation happens all the time in the workplace. It could start from union strikes, a bully in the office, or a leader that inspires internal competition and fear.

Unfortunately when things get that bad at work, we usually decide that all the stress and frustration aren’t worth it, and we leave. Perhaps we burn the bridge with the boss, the bully, or the company; and realize that we could never go back. And we are OK with that because we made that choice.

However, in some situations, that choice isn’t an option. A union strike is an example, a divorce is an example, and a divisive election is an example.

Sometimes you can’t run away by building a wall and hiding behind it.

We need to build bridges, not walls.

The question is how do you build that bridge so that you can detach yourself from the emotions the situations causes?

Here are three things you can do to build a bridge instead of a wall:

Don’t Interrupt. When someone is saying something you don’t agree with, or making a statement that makes your skin crawl; don’t interrupt them. By interrupting, you are being the wall, refusing to hear what they have to say. Interruptions are seen as aggressive and rude. Let them finish their statement and then follow the next two steps.

Stay calm. Whatever the disagreement or difference in opinions; it is not personal. Don’t take it personally, and don’t make it personal.

Sadly the fact that many people seem to be taking the election personally is what is causing so much strife. Someone has an opinion that you don’t understand. Their point of view is different than yours. It is not your job to convince them they are wrong and don’t take it personally if they try to convince you that you are wrong.

In a perfect world, we would not launch insults or hate because someone has a different perspective. Unfortunately, it is the way it is. Be the voice of reason, stay calm, don’t take it personally and hopefully others will follow your suit.

Set Boundaries. There are some subjects that will just be off the table for discussion. I’m seeing that on social media today with the U.S. election. People are giving themselves a “free zone” where there is permission NOT to speak about anything election related. The boundary says no political comments allowed. That is a pretty safe and smart thing to do when emotions are high.

In my family there is a topic that we have all agreed will not be brought up in conversation. We realize that not everyone agrees, that no one is happy about, so we just don’t go there. Do not enter into that area of discussion.

If you have decided to build your bridge instead of a wall and the dangerous subject is brought up, it is not unreasonable to say “I am uncomfortable with this line of discussion and I’m requesting we discuss something else.” If the other person continues to have the discussion, give yourself permission to disengage and if necessary leave the room. By engaging in the discussion you are now arguing and this is not the goal. Change the subject, but don’t go there.

Building a bridge doesn’t mean we’ve repaired the divide. It means that we can move past whatever the contentious subject is and continue.

Walls create borders, sides, and promote incivility. Bridges create solutions.

Build a bridge, and get over it.

Article by,

Rhonda Scharf HeadshotRhonda Scharf
Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

As appeared in the Huffington Post November 9, 2016

How to Deal With Difficult People by Mastering Yourself

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We all have some people in our lives who can be considered “difficult.” They can make life really unpleasant. That is, if we let them! We can deal with difficult people in a number of ways. The amazing thing is, when we combine these elements, we may actually help them become happier and more easy-going as well. Sound too good to be true? Read on!

Dealing with difficult people can be a drain!

The first element in dealing with difficult people is self-control. You have no control over their behaviors or attitudes, but you can always control your own response. For example, what happens when you come across an unpleasant customer service rep, or a surly sales clerk? Or if it’s the flip side of the coin and you are the customer service rep being screamed at by a hostile customer? Do you automatically become tense or do you deliberately maintain your composure? Do you try to become even more cheerful and compassionate or do you automatically become hostile too, in defense of yourself? It’s worth becoming aware of how you normally react when you’re confronted with someone who is being less than pleasant. Remember, you can always choose your response.

Don't get caught up in the negativity!No matter what the situation, you can choose to not get caught up in their negativity. You can choose to not allow them to ruin your day. Instead of letting the situation escalate, you can calm yourself by entering the slower alpha brainwave state, and prevent the automatic fight-or-flight response – in most cases, this automatic negative reaction will not benefit you. All it does is create stress and makes you less in control of your emotions and actions. The fight or flight response has undergone an evolutionary change. It is a survival mechanism based on a physical response to danger – fighting, or running away. But in modern man, that response has evolved into anger and fear, since most of us are too civilized to react with physical violence, and the situations we’re in don’t usually warrant running away. The result is stress. The adrenaline rush is still based on the physical reaction to perceived danger but today, we usually don’t need to fight or run away. Instead, we react emotionally, in the heat of the moment, with anger and fear. You can derail your automatic fight-or-flight response to difficult people by deliberately relaxing yourself immediately before the negativity escalates. The Silva Method teaches several techniques for maintaining your composure in a difficult situation. You can focus on your breath, enter the alpha state and use the Three Fingers Technique for instant self-control and relaxation.

The second element of dealing with difficult people is perception. Again – we can’t control the behaviors and attitudes of others, but we can choose to see them in a different, more compassionate light. It’s not always easy! Slowing your brain’s activity to the alpha level is essential for this to work. In alpha, you can view the person with more understanding and compassion. Maybe they really hate their job but they feel stuck and resentful because they wish they could have a better life but don’t know how to go about it. Maybe they’re having difficulties at home. Maybe they are struggling with a huge stress load. Maybe they don’t realize they are being difficult! Most of us can’t see ourselves the way others see us. We may believe we’re projecting confidence, for example, only to have someone tell us we’re being arrogant. So try to put yourself in the person’s shoes and empathize with them.

The third element is self-awareness. Are YOU coming across as difficult? For example, if you walk into a store to return a defective product, you’re already unhappy and you may unconsciously project negative energy even if you put on a pleasant face. And if you’re feeling stressed and resentful, you may be projecting it more than you think. People pick up on each other’s energetic vibrations. So become more aware of how you approach a situation. Consciously become more approachable, friendly and reasonable before you enter the situation – sometimes, walking in with a smile, makes all the difference – !  Your attitude is all-important. Self-awareness is something that comes easily when you’re in the alpha state.

Emotional mastery helps you deal with difficult peopleThe fourth element is emotional mastery. If you have a difficult family member, you are probably conditioned to automatically respond with some emotion or behavior – irritability, shutting down, anger, weepiness, etc. – so you have to master your emotions. When you feel emotional response, allow it to course through your system without becoming attached to the thoughts that generated the emotion. Let it pass. Think about the situation as you would like it to be. Friendly, cordial… not tense and hurtful. Again, people pick up on each other’s vibes. When you’re conscious of the vibes that someone is projecting, you can choose to either take that energy on, or deflect it with love and compassion. Rephrase the way you think and talk about a person. This will affect the way you deal with them, and may eventually change the way they deal with you as well.

You can choose your response to any situation!The Silva Method teaches that a part of any problem-solving or goal-setting process is to first identify the problem. In this case, you use self-awareness to identify your automatic response, your unconscious pre-conceived attitude, and the emotions that determine your reaction.

Some people aren’t going to change their attitudes no matter what you do. That can’t be helped. They may not have the self-control you do and they may not be aware they can choose their response, too. But you can choose. You can use the Three Fingers Technique to program yourself to be more compassionate, loving and understanding while at the same time programming yourself to be less prone to anger, hostility and fear. They may continue to behave the same way, but your perception of them will change for the better.

 

As appeared on Silva Life System

 

The Arguments Your Company Needs

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Asked several years ago to describe the most important argument taking place at Walmart, then-CEO Lee Scott immediately replied, “The size of our stores.” The world’s largest retailer was debating just how small its footprints and formats could bewhile still serving customer needs and its own brand equity promise. That conversation, Scott said, provoked a lot of new thinking and analysis.

The most important argument at a fast-growing Web 2.0 services provider revolved around its “freemium” offer. Should the firm aggressively test multiple ways to hybridize its free and fee services? Or would prizing and positioning simplicity above all make the most sense? For a prestigious publisher, the essential — and vociferous — disagreement cut to its entrepreneurial core: Should its popular conferences reinforce the firm’s “countercultural” vibe? Or should they comfortably embrace the world’s biggest, richest, and most established firms, as well?

All firms have strategies and cultures. But sometimes the quickest and surest way to gain valuable insight into their fundamentals is by asking, “What’s the most important argument your organization is having right now?”

The more polite or politically correct might prefer “strategic conversation” over “argument.” But I’ve found the more aggressive framing most helpful in identifying the disagreements that matter most. Of course, there’s frequently more than one “most important argument.” And arguments about which arguments are most important are — sorry — important, as well. (If people insist there are no “most important arguments,” the organization clearly has even bigger unresolved issues.)

The real organizational and cultural insights — and payoffs — come not just from careful listening but recognizing that, as always, actions speak louder than words. What role is leadership playing here? How is the CEO listening to, leading, or facilitating the argument? Is disagreement viewed as dissent? Or is it treated as an opportunity to push for greater clarity and analytical rigor?

Sentiment is as important as situational awareness. Some arguments stir organizational emotions in ways others do not. Similarly, some disagreements energize the enterprise just as surely as others drain the life out of people. Having the same most important argument for years tends to be a very bad sign.

Responses to most important arguments typically fall into one of three rough interrelated categories: strategy, values, or people. Strategic arguments tend to be the most straightforward: Do we compete in this space or not? Are we going to be a leader or not? On the other hand, values arguments are understandably more complex: Does attempting to serve a new customer base compromise who we (think) we are? Do we want to make ourselves even more data-and-analytics-driven in our decision making? Does our intense customer focus risk violating their privacy? Values arguments, even more than strategic disagreements, tend to engage a greater portion of the firm. Healthy arguments around conflicting values demand smart facilitative leaders and leadership at all levels.

Intriguingly, the worst most important arguments I hear usually revolve around people. The CEO or a particularly intrapreneurial business unit leader exhibits behaviors or makes comments that polarize. What did the CEO mean by that? Can you believe the company lets that manager get away with that? What might be called gossip in some organizations mutates into strategic or values arguments. Values and strategic arguments are played out through people and personalities. Corporate characters are alternately heroes, knaves, wizards, and fools. There’s often a fine line between strong and powerful leaders and personality cults. If you think the most important arguments going on in your organization revolve around particular individuals and their unusual mix of style and substance, watch out.

But that affirms one of the great virtues of the question: Are you having the kind of most important argument you want your organization to have? Are you having the right kind of arguments in general? Are your arguments illuminating the path forward or providing the organizations with even better rationalizations and excuses for inaction?

And if you’re not having the right kind of important arguments, then just how much is consensus and alignment really worth?

By, Michael Schrage

Michael Schrage, a research fellow at MIT Sloan School’s Center for Digital Business, is the author of the books Serious Play (HBR Press), Who Do You Want Your Customers to Become? (HBR Press) and The Innovator’s Hypothesis (MIT Press).

8 Tips To Help You Deal With Conflict Better

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How do you deal with conflict? Are you a person who holds onto everything or do you let your anger out?

Conflict affects our attitude, which impacts our ability to be productive. Conflict is destructive if not positively handled. It damages peace and orderliness within us as relationships are broken. Our ability to trust people is hindered, and we pull away rather than build relationships.

C = closed-minded
O = opinionated
N = negative attitude
F = frequent frustrations
L = low self-esteem
I = ignorance
C = creates hostile work environment
T = temperamental

Now is the time to resolve conflicts or any long-time resentment. Conflict actually can be good if we use positive energy and strategies to deal with it. Here are a few quick ideas:

1. Listen carefully in order to understand the other person’s point of view.
2. Solicit ideas from the other person. Ask, “How do you see us working better together?”
3. Be clear on the real issue of conflict. Make sure it isn’t your perception.
4. Stick to the facts when confronting someone.
5. Acknowledge the other person’s good points.
6. Maintain the other person’s self-esteem.
7. Make every effort to approach the other person directly.
8. Be open and honest; don’t hint.

BY

Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
  2. “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives.

Workplace Conflict: Three leadership tips to harness the positive aspects of workplace conflict

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Are you in the majority of people who see conflict as destructive and avoid it at all costs? Or do you see conflict as an essential ingredient to create a healthy organization and reap the rewards of continuous improvement?

The root cause of most conflict is ignorance – either I don’t fully understand your perspective or you don’t understand mine. Therefore the answer is education – I need to be educated about your thoughts and feelings and you need to be educated about mine.

The more emotional the reaction to conflict, the less likely that rational, logical arguments will prevail. As a leader, here are three tips to harness the positive side of workplace conflict.

Conflict Tip 1: Be Curious Not Furious 
Curiosity is perhaps a leader’s greatest asset. It replaces harsh judgement or overly passive victim thinking. Be curious about why the other person is so upset and what some possible solutions might be. Curiosity will encourage you to listen and understand the other person’s point of view and speak calmly about your perspective. Staying curious will help you discover win/win solutions that build on the ideas from multiple perspectives.

Conflict Tip 2: Acknowledge Emotion to Get to Logic
Emotion overrides logic. Listen without interruption, acknowledge what you’ve heard and then suggest alternative perspectives. To be a good diffuser of emotion it helps to match the emotional intensity of the other person without actually arguing with them. When the other person sees and hears that you “get them” they will tend to calm down and be more rational.
An example would be a two-year-old who screams, “I want a cookie, I want a cookie.” If the mother or father simply uses a calm, kindergarten teacher’s voice it won’t show an understanding of the emotional intensity. Instead, the parent could use a similar voice tone with these words, “I know you want a cookie, I know you want a cookie, and you can’t have a cookie right now because we are going to have dinner soon.”

Conflict Tip 3: Remain Calm and Respectful
Conflict situations can bring out disrespectful behavior from the leader. Talking down to someone, yelling at them or demeaning them will only cause bigger problems for the leader. Supervisors, managers and team leaders are held to a higher standard of acceptable behavior than the workers they supervise.
To help leaders stay calm and cool in difficult situation it helps to offer specific training in dealing with difficult situations and conversations. A leader can also make a conscious choice to step away from the situation for a few minutes, call for back up or breathe deeply to regain emotional control.

The value from conflict comes from harnessing the different perspectives, backgrounds and experiences of the people involved to drive the best possible outcome. We help by providing training to front line supervisors, managers and team leaders.

Article by, Greg Schinkel

Strategies For Working With Difficult People

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ANGER

Who is the most difficult person you work with? Does it feel to you like they spend each evening plotting and planning on how to ruin the next day for you? Does it drain your energy just thinking about this person? You’re not alone. It seems that every one of us has a ‘difficult to deal with’ person in our life. They take a lot of energy just to ignore, and many of us wish they would just go away.

If you can identify with this scenario, finish the rest of this sentence: “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…”

What is your ‘if’?

Now go back and look at what you wrote. Is your answer dependant on them doing something to change? Why do you think they would be willing to change to make your life easier? You’re right, they won’t. So how are we going to be more effective when working with this person?

There are three things that you can change.

1. The System. Perhaps this person is difficult because they are a stick to the ruleskind of person and you aren’t. It can be very frustrating to you and that this person is so stuck on the system you don’t agree with. If you could just change the system it would make your life a lot easier, don’t you think? Of course, changing the system is an extremely time intensive proposition with no guarantee of any success.

There are people, like Erin Brockovich for example, who are able to change the system but most people decide that the effort does not equal the payoff. If this is your situation, you may choose to avoid trying to change the system. I’m not saying that it won’t work — I am saying that it will take a lot of your time and efforts before you see any dividends. It may be easier to take another approach with your difficult person.

2. The Other Person. You’ve probably heard the old cliché, “If you plan on changing your spouse when you get married, it makes for a very interesting first marriage.” It’s not so easy to change the other person because there is no incentive for them to change. Why should they? What they are doing is currently working just fine, isn’t it?

Consider a co-worker that listens to his music at a very loud volume. He likes I that loud, it helps him drown out all the other noise in the office. You despise the type of music he listens to, and it is far too loud for you to concentrate. You’ve asked your co-worker to turn it down every day for the past three months and it has now escalated into an all-out war between the two of you.

You are trying to get your difficult person to see that his music is too loud and you cannot concentrate. You are trying to change his perspective on the volume. Why should he turn it down? He likes it just the way it is. Trying to change the other person is often like hitting your head against a brick wall; it just doesn’t work very well. There is no incentive for the other person to take your perspective.

3. You. Of course, you do have one hundred percent control of what you do. You could try to change your perspective on the situation. Let’s assume that your difficult person is Mary, and Mary loves to complain about the company you work for. She says things like, “they don’t appreciate us”, “I’m doing all the work around here and never get any recognition”, and “this is an old boys club and women will never get in senior management positions”.

Basic whining and moaning, all the time, day in and day out. At first, you agreed with some of the things she said, and occasionally got pulled into the negativity yourself. After a while, you realized how destructive this was to your attitude and you tried to convince Mary that she was wrong. This, of course, just intensified the situation and the negativity seemed to get worse. You’ve probably moved into the same ‘zone’ that many of us do when confronted with Mary, saying “You’re right, this is a terrible place to work,” hoping that your agreement will make her go away faster.

Did it work? Not really. What Mary wants is attention and acknowledgment. You are giving her both of those things. We need to change what we are doing to get a different result.

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,
you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got”

You’ve heard that before, and it is completely true. If we want to change the way Mary is acting, we need to change what we are doing, and not give her what she wants. People are difficult because they are getting something out of the deal. They may be getting attention, agreement or even success because of it (think of aggressive drivers). If we want them to do something different (remember the opening question?) then we need to DO something different.

The next time Mary says “I hate this company”, don’t argue with her or agree with her, give her what she doesn’t want (agreement, attention, etc.) and say something like “I LOVE working here!” Don’t worry about if you agree with what you are saying or not, give her something other than what she wants. She wants to complain. She wants to be negative. Don’t give her what she wants.

This will work! Sometimes a lot of work too, especially if you happen to be in a negative mood that day and agree with her. Don’t give into the temptation. Be 100% consistent in this approach. For two weeks this will be very difficult for you. I promise that if you are consistent and not give Mary what she wants, then she will change her behaviour.

The next time you are asked the question “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…” the right answer lies within you. You can change what is happening with that person. It takes time, effort, persistence and patience.

The result is worth the effort!


Article By,

Rhonda Scharf HeadshotConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works
with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

A Survival Guide For Managing Difficult People

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They’re sarcastic, cynical, and negative, but you don’t want to fire them. Hope and help for managing people who drive you nuts.

Ideally, when you’re leading or working with a team, you have a group of people who work in good faith to get the job done well—and get along while doing so. Then, there are those folks who are just miserable. Perhaps they’re cynical or sarcastic. They may be negative, unreliable, or gossipy. Sometimes, they’re even worse—engaging in backstabbing or trying to undermine your authority.

Of course, you’re not going to get along with everyone at the office, but if you’re a leader, you’re in a position to take action to mitigate the damage these dismal souls can do, says Elizabeth Holloway, PhD, professor at Antioch University’s PhD Program in Leadership & Change and coauthor of Toxic Workplace! Managing Toxic Personalities and Their Systems of Power. As you begin to use your authority to deal with your challenging team members, there are some helpful steps you can take.

FIGURE OUT WHY THEY ARE DIFFICULT

Some people are unpleasant and some damage the organization, says Michael J. Beck, founder of Michael Beck International, a Portland, Oregon-based performance consulting and employee engagement firm. Try to get to the bottom of why your employee is acting out. Is he or she dissatisfied with the work or the company? Is there an issue going on at home? Beck says asking good questions and observing the employee in action can give you some insight into whether you’re dealing with a difficult personality or another issue that can be fixed.

LEARN THE TYPES

Personality tests like the DiSC profile can be useful in gaining insight into your workers, their preferences, and how they like to communicate, says Gerald Bricker, principal of Aadvise Consulting, a business coaching firm in Northville, Michigan. Such insight can be difficult for people to articulate, and these tests can give you a bit of insight that might otherwise be hard to obtain, he says. There is also a body of research and writing about how to manage different personality types, he adds.

If there’s a clear understanding of that person, what their makeup is, and how best to communicate with them, that will go a long way toward helping to overcome those challenges, he says.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DIFFERENCES

Sometimes, simply calling out the fact that you and your colleague have different approaches can be enough to defuse the tension, Beck says. Say something like, “Boy, we really have different styles, but let’s see how we can work through this.” That way, you’re not delivering negative criticism, but you’re recognizing the fact that there’s an issue, he says.

HEAR THEM OUT

Bricker says that, many times, people who seem to have personality issues are people who feel like they’re not being heard or are unhappy with their work. They feel like they’re not being heard or respected. In such a case, Bricker suggests having a private conversation and just listening.

“Once they’ve had a chance to air out their thoughts and their feelings, that really contributes greatly toward solving the problem,” he says. You can gain insight about what the problem really is and take steps toward solving it.

BE OPEN TO CRITICISM

Once you have that sit-down, Bricker says you might have to hear some things that aren’t very pleasant. Sometimes, employees have legitimate complaints about the workplace, company culture, or supervisors. (That might be you.) Then, you’ve got to figure out a way to deal with it, he says.

“Sometimes, that might mean explaining in very clear, rational terms why things are the way they are. It may mean looking into what they have to say and understanding that something was overlooked,” he says.

DELIVER CONSTRUCTIVE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK

Holloway says that managers need to be trained in giving negative feedback effectively. Simply calling out someone for bad behavior often doesn’t work. Instead, relate it to the bottom line. For example, point out that when the employee responds in a certain way, it shuts down conversation and makes meetings less effective.

REALIZE THAT NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE

It might feel like that difficult employee is impossible to fire because he or she is so good at the job. But Toxic Workplace coauthor Mitchell Kusy, PhD, also a professor at the Antioch leadership program, says that you have to look at the overall cost to your organization. In research for the book, he and Holloway found that 12 percent of individuals leave their organization because of toxic personalities. If your difficult employee is driving out other employees, it might be time to say goodbye, even if it’s a challenge in the short term.

 By, GWEN MORAN

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

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Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton saidway back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebookand connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

How to Manage Conflict at Work

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To succeed as a manager, you can’t be a conflict-avoider.

Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post on Forbes.com (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider – Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If:If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’remanagement. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypeson TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management‘s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t. It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Victor Lipman

Article by,
Victor Lipman
Mind of the Manager

Victor is the author of The Type B Manager: Leading Successfully in a Type A World (Prentice Hall Press).

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse – everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

Sign up for our webinar and learn how to create friction free relationships in an organization.

About the Author(s)
Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com , or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.

8 Tips For Dealing With Difficult People

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Like the old Saturday Night Live character, Debbie Downer, some people are only happy when they’re unhappy and bringing down everyone else around them too.

Here are eight tips for dealing with difficult people at work.

1.   Don’t get dragged down—The old saying is “Misery loves company.” The most important thing is to be aware of who the Debbie and David Downers are in your company and to make sure they don’t suck you into their world of negativity.  Keep your guard up!

2.   Listen—It’s tempting to just tune these people out, but this rarely stops them. If anything, they’ll talk and argue more forcefully because they’ll think nobody cares about them. The best thing to do is to use good, normal active listening techniques, as you would for anyone else.

3.   Use a time limit for venting—Remember that there is a difference between being a perpetual pessimist and having an occasional need to vent. Everybody has tough times, and sharing our feelings can make us feel better. Use the “5-minute rule” when it comes to this. Let your colleague vent for five minutes, but after that, assume that he’s entered Downer mode, and proceed with the next steps.

 4.   Don’t agree—It’s tempting to try to appease Debbie Downer to make him or her stop and go away. As the person complains about benefits or the boss or whatever, you might be inclined to give a little nod of your head or a quiet “yeah” or shrug a “what can we do?” Even though these responses seem harmless, they just throw fuel on the flames.

5.   Don’t stay silent—If you are clearly listening but say nothing, Debbie Downer will interpret your silence as agreement. Worse, if others are present, they too will assume that you agree. Whether the complaint is about the boss or the benefits or the client, silence means you agree with the complainer.

6.   Do switch extremes into facts—Negative people often speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews. They talk about “never” and “always.” Your first goal is to switch them to fact-based statements.

Negative Ned: Andy is such a slacker! He’s never on time for our morning meetings. How are we supposed to hit our deadlines when he’s never here?

      You: Ned, you’re clearly frustrated. I seem to remember that Andy was on time at our meetings on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week. He was late on Thursday and Friday. So you mean he’s late frequently, not always; right?

7.   Move to problem solving—People who whine a lot often feel powerless and believe that the situation is hopeless. Your only chance of ending their negativity is to help them to move into a problem solving mode. This doesn’t always work, but it’s the only antidote known.

8.   Cut them off—If, after all your efforts, you deem these people to be hopelessly negative, you need to cut them off. Make sure they aren’t just venting for a few minutes, make sure you weren’t previously encouraging them, make sure they can’t switch to problem solving, and then politely shut them down.

      You: Can we change the subject? You’re really bumming me out. If you want to vent for a couple minutes, fine. If you want me to help you solve the problem, fine. But life is too short to wallow. Let’s move on to something else, OK?

Creating a great workplace culture should be everyone’s job. Don’t let Debbie and David Downer harm your company or your own level of engagement at work.

________

The above article is an excerpt from Employee Engagement for Everyone: The 4 Keys to Happiness & Engagement at Work by NY Times bestselling author Kevin Kruse.

 

Kevin Kruse Bio

How To Spot A Toxic Boss Before You Take The Job

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Our friend Yvonne quit her new job after six months. “I should have known my ex-boss was a psycho control freak,” she said.

“Were there signs of his tendencies during the interview process?” we asked.

“There was one sign, a huge one,” said Yvonne. “I can’t believe I missed it. He basically came right out and told me what it was going to be like working for him. I took the job anyway. I talked myself into it. I said, ‘I can make this work.’”

Of course we wanted to hear about the big sign that Yvonne missed during the interview process.

“My boss walked me out of the building to my car after my second interview,” said Yvonne. “When we got to my car he said, ‘You’re an average writer and a so-so editor, and I can make you much better at both writing and editing.’”

 “Whoa!” we exclaimed. “That’s what he said?”

“Yes, and I should have said ‘Gee, I’d hate for you to be stuck with someone who falls so far short of your requirements,’” said Yvonne. “I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything. I got in my car and I went home.”

“People do tend to broadcast their baggage,” we said. “Don’t feel bad, Yvonne. It’s easy to miss those signs when you’re thinking ‘If I get this job I can pay off my credit cards!’”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking when I took the job,” said Yvonne.

If you can check in frequently with your body during your interview process, you won’t be as likely to take a job working for someone who is going to crush your mojo and leave you battered, mojo-depleted and doubting your own abilities.

You can say, “No thanks!” to a toxic manager and keep your job search going, but only if you tell your fearful brain to pipe down and listen to your body, instead.

That takes some effort. For starters, you have to process every interview in your head and on paper. You have to talk through your interviews with a friend — in the best case, a cynical friend who will stop you and say, “The manager said what?”

You have to think through every job interview and every other interaction you have with your possible next boss, because in your excitement about being in contention for a job offer, you can lose your bearings.

You have to be on guard or you are likely to fall into the Vortex. The Vortex is the whirling place we fall into when a company is obviously interested in us. We are excited to have a real, live job opportunity in front of us. Our judgment can fly out the window.

We’re flattered that they like us, even if we’re not sure if we like them!

Plenty of people, me included, have accepted job offers because we were so happy to get a job offer.

We forgot about our own needs. We fell  into the Vortex!

Watch for these 10 warning signs that your possible new boss will make your life a living hell if you sign up to work for him or her:

1. Your hiring manager spends a lot of your interview time together talking about himself or herself. Maybe you’re a great listener. Is that what the boss is looking for — someone who will patiently listen to him or her pontificate? If so, watch out!

2. Your hiring manager asks you detailed questions about how you accomplished tasks and projects at your past jobs, but shows no curiosity about you as a person. He or she couldn’t care less where you grew up, how you chose your career path or what your goals are. That’s a red flag!

photo by Liz Ryan

3. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to try to suck free consulting advice out of you. Once you get home from the interview, he or she has more demands — to write a free marketing plan, for instance. If the manager does this while you’re interviewing for the job, don’t expect things to get better once you have the job.

4. Your hiring manager tells you what’s wrong with you before even hiring you, the way Yvonne’s manager did.

5. Your hiring manager talks about employees he or she has fired in the past. That’s a terrible sign. Run away from a job opportunity where the boss regales you with tales of the terrible former employees he or she has had to put up with. You will hate the job if you get it.

6. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to fill you in on the corporate political scene. Our client Miranda met with her hiring manager after hours, when everyone in the office had gone home. Her prospective new boss asked her “Can you get me promoted to Director level within one year?” She said “I really couldn’t say”  and didn’t come back for a second interview when invited to.7. Your hiring manager spends half of your interview time talking about her problems with her boss. You want to say, “If I’m here to give you a counseling session, you’ll have to write me a check!” but you bite your lip and draw a big red X through this job opportunity in your mind. Life is too short to work for fearful weenies.

8. Your hiring manager uses your interview time to tell you how smart or accomplished he or she is. That’s a sure sign of insecurity. When people show you who they are, believe them!

9. Your hiring manager quizzes you about insignificant details in your resume instead of talking about the work you’d be doing in the new job. Gradually over the course of your interview it hits you that this person doesn’t know how to construct an intelligent question about your background, so they devolve into asking nit-picky questions, instead. Don’t take a job working for a person with no vision!

10. Your hiring manager reminds you over and over how many awesome people applied for this job and how lucky you are to have received an interview. Run away from a person like this. They are mired in fear and are checking in to make sure you are exactly the obedient, grateful, passive and docile sheep they are looking for!

The first time you say, “No thanks!” to a job interview, your fearful brain will beat you up for three to five days afterward. You’ll go back and forth in your mind: “Should I have told those people no? I still need a job. Maybe that was a bad decision.”

It wasn’t a bad decision. Your body is your best guide. Our species has been evolving for eons. Your gut knows which people are healthy for you and which people aren’t.

The relationship between you and your boss is a critical one not only for your career’s sake, but for your health as well. Choose your next boss wisely!

 

 Article by Liz Ryan ,
Bio: I was a Fortune 500 HR SVP for ten million years, but I was an opera singer before I ever heard the term HR. The higher I got in the corporate world, the more operatic the action became. I started writing about the workplace for the Chicago Sun-Times in 1997, but it took me ages to find my own voice. Now I write for the Huffington Post, Business Week, LinkedIn, the Harvard Business Review, the Denver Post and Forbes.com and lead the worldwide Human Workplace movement to reinvent work for people. Stop by and join us: http://www.humanworkplace.com

Manage Conflict Well or It Will Manage You

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2014-11-11-Manageconflict650718_s2300x199.jpgMost executives acknowledge difficulty in dealing with conflict. Conflict comes in many guises. It can be person to person or group to group. It can be an in-house clash with direct reports and attendant personnel. Sometimes conflict occurs with external vendors, contractors, and consultants. It’s not uncommon for conflict to worm its way into otherwise tight-knit leadership teams or fracture the relationship between community partners and leaders.

Conflict is omnipresent at union bargaining tables, in legal arenas, and is first-row center seat when bureaucrats and businessmen step into the ring. Depending on the size of the organization, conflict can morph into a mighty conflagration with the help of local and international media. Bottom line: any time people work together you have tinder stacked and ready for conflict.

Conflict is inevitable but its outcome depends on how it is managed. So how or when should executives deal with conflict? Sometimes the best decision is not to react and let time-bequeathed amnesia do the job. Sometimes, however, delaying a response can make the conflict worse. Conflict management isn’t ever comfortable and is all too-often avoided to the peril of the leader and the business.

Conflict is like a dance when partners step on each other’s toes while trying to figure out who’s leading or even what dance step to employ. Oftentimes the dancers go back to their respective seats limping and eager to commiserate with other dancers on the maladroitness of their clumsy oaf partner and swearing never to dance with them again. Often, other injured dancers chime in and what was an interpersonal problem becomes class warfare and the embattled leader has to put business goals on the back burners and do foot rubs to keep the conflict under control.

Conflict handled timely and effectively is carried out more like a conversation than a confrontation. And while the conversation may not be easy, doing so timely and consistently and effectively results in better outcomes. It is less likely the other party will feel affronted or surprised if a repeat conversation is needed.

Here are seven ideas and scenarios that may help as you determine a course of action or your intervention:

    1. Make it a habit to keep the issues and conflicts between the parties and practice the art of not talking with others about something that doesn’t involve them. As simple as this sounds venting to others typically makes matters worse and often word can get back to the person(s) being talked about. Gossip needs to stop if conflict is to be handled well.
  • Learning the lesson that anything one says or does can be held against them in a court of law or can show up on the news helps in managing conflict. Be discreet in how and when you speak or send a message that is conflictual.
  • Stay defenseless. When managing conflict, emotions run high. Staying defenseless and taking an approach to understand versus accuse can reduce emotions which helps to create an environment favorable for conflict resolution.
  • With customers, own mistakes and mishaps that are the company’s to own.Don’t try to defend the company; listen and own what you can. If multiple customers, families and friends are impacted, such as in an airplane crash, you may need a strong media plan to deal with communication to interested parties. The larger the conflict or the greater the consequence of it, the more public it becomes.
  • In the case of union conflict, clear and transparent communication about organizational change and activities is critical to keep union unrest at a minimum. Delaying communication tends to send the message you don’t want to communicate or have something to hide. Another tactic that is effective is to keep union representatives informed in advance of a change and activity and if possible obtain union input into the process.
  • If there are performance issues with a direct report, a vendor, or a contractor, deal with the issues timely or you risk the possibility of escalation into a real conflict. It is easier to ignore an issue or conflict than to deal with it. But when it comes to performance, the issues don’t tend to resolve without the performance being discussed. Instead, the issues continue and non-performers remain oblivious to the problem. Procrastinated conflict-resolution can unleash violent reprisals that are out of proportion for the current issue and the employee, vendor, or contractor will be caught off guard.
  1. As the CEO, getting involved in employee conflict should be a last resort unless the conflict has gone through due process and it is now in your hands to hear the concerns and determine appropriate actions. While an employee’s anxiety may be dissipated because s/he has been heard by the “top dog”, care must be taken in how the CEO resolves the situation to avoid throwing a direct report “under the bus“ by taking or being perceived as taking sides.

Make it a habit to embrace rather than avoid conflict. If you deal with anything conflictual early into the process, the results are typically more favorable than letting an issue or conflict fester.

Article by, Terri Wallin , Founder Wallin Enterprises
This post first appeared on WallinEnterprises.com. Let’s connect: LinkedIn | Twitter

Arguing Is Pointless

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It was lunchtime and the seven of us — two kids and five adults — would be in the car for the next three hours as we drove from New York City to upstate Connecticut for the weekend.

We decided to get some takeout at a place on the corner of 88th and Broadway. I pulled along the curb and ran in to get everyone’s orders.

In no time, Isabelle, my eight year old, came running in the restaurant.

“Daddy! Come quick! The police are giving you a ticket!”

I ran outside.

“Wait, don’t write the ticket, I’ll move it right away,” I offered.

“Too late,” she said.

“Come on! I was in there for three minutes. Give me a break.”

“You’re parked in front of a bus stop.” She motioned halfway down the block.

“All the way down there?” I protested.

She said nothing.

“You can’t be serious!” I flapped my arms.

“Once I start writing the ticket, I can’t stop.” She handed me the ticket.

“But you didn’t even ask us to move! Why didn’t you ask us to move?” I continued to argue as she walked away.

And that’s when it hit me: arguing was a waste of my time.

Not just in that situation with that police officer. I’m talking about arguing with anyone, anywhere, any time. It’s a guaranteed losing move.

Think about it. You and someone have an opposing view and you argue. You pretend to listen to what she’s saying but what you’re really doing is thinking about the weakness in her argument so you can disprove it. Or perhaps, if she’s debunked a previous point, you’re thinking of new counter-arguments. Or, maybe, you’ve made it personal: it’s not just her argument that’s the problem. It’s her. And everyone who agrees with her.

In some rare cases, you might think the argument has merit. What then? Do you change your mind? Probably not. Instead, you make a mental note that you need to investigate the issue more to uncover the right argument to prove the person wrong.

When I think back to just about every argument I’ve ever participated in — political arguments, religious arguments, arguments with Eleanor or with my children or my parents or my employees, arguments about the news or about a business idea or about an article or a way of doing something — in the end, each person leaves the argument feeling, in many cases more strongly than before, that he or she was right to begin with.

How likely is it that you will change your position in the middle of fighting for it? Or accept someone else’s perspective when they’re trying to hit you over the head with it?

Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person’s stance. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve with the argument in the first place. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships.

There’s only one solution: stop arguing.

Resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place. If you feel strongly about something in the moment, that’s probably a good sign that you need time to think before trying to communicate it.

If someone tries to draw you into an argument? Don’t take the bait. Change the subject or politely let the person know you don’t want to engage in a discussion about it.

And if it’s too late? If you’re in the middle of an argument and realize it’s going nowhere? Then you have no choice but to pull out your surprise weapon. The strongest possible defense, guaranteed to overcome any argument:

Listening.

Simply acknowledge the other and what he’s saying without any intention of refuting his position. If you’re interested, you can ask questions — not to prove him wrong — but to better understand him.

Because listening has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When someone feels heard, he relaxes. He feels generous. And he becomes more interested in hearing you.

That’s when you have a shot of doing the impossible: changing that person’s mind. And maybe your own. Because listening, not arguing, is the best way to shift a perspective.

Then, when you want to leave the conversation, say something like,”Thanks for that perspective.” Or “I’ll have to think about that,” and walk away or change the subject.

I’m not saying you should let someone bully you. This weekend I was in a long line and someone cut in front of me. I told him it wasn’t okay and he started yelling, telling me — and the people around me — that he was there all the time, which was clearly not true. I began to argue with him which, of course, proved useless and only escalated the fight.

Eventually a woman in the line simply drew a boundary. She said, “No, it’s not okay to simply walk in here when the rest of us are waiting” and she stepped forward and ignored the bully. We all followed her lead and, eventually, he went to the back of the line. Arguments: 0. Boundaries: 1.

When I went online to pay the parking fine, I tried to dispute the ticket. Before arguing my case though, a screen popped up offering me a deal: pay the penalty with a 25% discount, or argue and, if I lose, pay the entire fine. I thought I had a good case so I argued and, a few weeks later, lost the case.

Next time, I’m taking the deal.

Peter Bregman is CEO of Bregman Partners, a company that strengthens leadership in people and in organizations through programs (including the Bregman Leadership Intensive), coaching, and as a consultant to CEOs and their leadership teams. Best-selling author of 18 Minutes, his most recent book is Four Seconds (February 2015). To receive an email when he posts, click here.

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Gill Corkindale is an executive coach and writer based in London, focusing on global management and leadership. She was formerly management editor of the Financial Times.

How to Handle Difficult People in Your Workplace

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By Robbie Abed,
Independent IT Consultant, Author of Fire Me I Beg You
LinkedIn: http://LinkedIn.com/in/robbiejabed

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It took years to develop, but I was finally able to figure out how to handle difficult situations and how to work with difficult people.

I’ve worked with:

  • The decisive, smart and friendly executive type
  • The 9-to-5 do everything I’m asked with a smile and actually enjoy my work type
  • The let me know if I can help you with anything type
  • The we all know I’m the smartest one in the room type
  • The you cross me, and I promise you it will be the worst mistake of your entire career type
  • The please give me another day to make this decision type
  • The let’s be real, I don’t really give a damn, just tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it type
  • The please don’t ask me to do anything for you because it’s not in my job description type
  • The OMG she’s walking near my cube, I better act like I’m doing something before I get fired type
  • The you used this word incorrectly in a PowerPoint, therefore I will call an all hands meeting to get this settled type
  • The I trust you Robbie to make any decision you see fit type
  • The if I don’t get a summary email at 8 p.m. every day I’m going to assume you didn’t do anything all day type
  • The I’m going to cry instead of making an important decision so please back off type
  • The I don’t really care what you think about me or my decisions, just do what I tell you type
  • The who the hell left an unclean spoon in the sink, your mother isn’t here to look after you so I’m going to leave a passive aggressive sign above the sink and another on the refrigerator in addition to an email blast to the entire office type
  • The give me your date of birth so we can celebrate your half birthday type
  • The I’m going to pretend like I didn’t hear you the first time so I can make this conversation as awkward as possible type
  • The I’m going to agree to everything said in the meeting then complain privately once the meeting is over type
  • The I literally, figuratively and hypothetically do not care what anybody thinks about me, so just keep paying me every 2 weeks and we’ll all be happy type
  • The if I hear one single piece of constructive criticism about my work I’m never going to open up my mouth again type
  • And finally my favorite: The holy crap lady I can hear your nails click clacking on your keyboard from across the office type

For the person who creates those passive aggressive, “If you’re leaning, you’re cleaning” signs above the sink, I purposely don’t clean dirty spoons and put them in the sink so they can be even more upset. I’m evil like that.

The uncomfortable truth is that not all of these types are easy to deal with. In fact, many of these types make it much harder to get anything accomplished.

Deal with difficult people before they deal with you

Difficult people are an interesting breed. They tend to be the last person in a workflow who has the authority to approve a particular process, purchase order or contract, so they’re the final decision maker. They are nitpicky, irrational, insanely busy people who don’t understand how many hours the team has put into completing an activity.

They ask questions at the last minute about verbiage in a contract when they could have asked the question when you first started on the project. They make you start all the way from the beginning negating all that time you and your team spent on it.

And yet instead of engaging this person right away, most people wait all the way until the end to get their approval, then are in complete shock when this person demands that additional edits be made.

Why?

Easy. People hate working with difficult people unless they absolutely have to. Instead of getting answers to their questions right away, they take the easy route and make assumptions hoping the difficult person won’t ask questions once they review it. Nobody likes awkward conversations and would rather show the decision maker a “finished product” so they don’t get negative feedback on something that isn’t finished.

Then when it comes time to review the finished product, the difficult person becomes well, difficult. Of course, this story isn’t complete without the standard everyone blaming each other for a missed deadline when the executive asks why that task was delayed.

Step up and deal with the decision makers even if they make you uncomfortable. Don’t do it to impress your boss or your teammates. Do it because you want to make the final approval process easier, and do it to learn how this decision maker operates.

Do it because no one else will.

Difficult people are often misunderstood. They’re difficult because their job requires them to be detail oriented and they have stake in the outcome of certain activities or projects. They don’t care how much time you spent on an activity. They care about the outcome.

If you can figure out what makes them tick through early difficult conversations, you’ll not only have better answers early on, but also a relationship with someone who others refuse to connect with — or can’t.

 

 

Let your frustration go

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Recently, my 18 month old computer died. It had a hardware failure that my computer technicians called “irreparable”.

I am totally frustrated at not having a computer, at the expense, and most importantly, with the time I am having to spend to get a new system up and running.

Do you ever get frustrated at work? Have you ever gotten annoyed because someone else in the office wasn’t doing what you want her to do? Do you get frustrated with red tape? What do you do about it?

There are a few different ways you can deal (or not deal) with frustration.

Focus on the frustration
The first options is something we’ve all done from time to time: allow circumstances to take control. You’ve seen it happen to others, too. It’s what happens when you just whine and complain but do nothing about it. You allow it or her to wreck your day, your week, and your month. If you complain about something long enough it even starts to control the way you think. For instance if you say “all lawyers are crooks” often enough, you will start to believe it is true. You and I both know that it isn’t true. If your lawyer is frustrating you for whatever reason, and you choose to allow the frustration to control you, you will never get over being frustrated by your lawyer. Every time you think about needing a lawyer your temperature will rise, your anger will re-appear and you will be frustrated.

Avoid the situation
The second option is to avoid the situation or person who is frustrating you. I could have said that I was fed up with computers and refused to use another one again. That is a perfect example of biting off my nose to spite my face. Who am I hurting in this situation? Me. I know of people who get very frustrated driving on major highways, so their response is to never drive on them. They must take much longer to get anywhere because they are avoiding the frustration of the highway. Others have quit their jobs because they didn’t like the frustration of certain aspects of it. That’s pretty drastic, and life-altering, solution to the problem of frustration.

A Better Option
The third option is to understand the situation and let it go. Don’t allow it to control you. When I ordered my new computer, I was told it would take two to four business days until it was delivered. A week later, it still isn’t here. Yes, I could obsess about it not being here, or I could just say “that’s too bad, I could really use it now.”

I am choosing to just let it go. There is nothing I can do to get my computer here more quickly. If there was something I could do, I would, and that would be another excellent option. But since there isn’t, I will let go of what I cannot control.

I also need to let go of the fact that the computer didn’t last as long as I thought it should. I need to change my expectations for the next time.

The same thing applies with co-workers. If you have a co-worker who is continually late, and who drives you crazy each morning with frustration, what are you going to do about it? Well, realistically, what can you do? Can you go to her house each morning and get her out of bed? I doubt it. Can you just let it go and not obsess over her being late? Yes you can. If you are in a supervisory position, you have a few more choices, but being frustrated does not have to be the one you choose.

Frustration is something that occurs in many aspects of life. We can let frustration control us, or we can decide not to let it. It’s a choice.

As for me, I will wait for my computer and ensure that frustration doesn’t dictate my feelings or how I live each day while I’m waiting. And when a co-worker does things a little differently than I expect her to, I will choose not to let it ruin my day. I will choose to let me frustration go.

Working with Difficult People

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Who is the most difficult person you work with? Does it feel to you like they spend each evening plotting and planning on how to ruin the next day for you? Does it drain your energy just thinking about this person? You’re not alone. It seems that every one of us has a ‘difficult to deal with’ person in our life. They take a lot of energy just to ignore, and many of us wish they would just go away. If you can identify with this scenario, finish the rest of this sentence: “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…”

What is you ‘if’?

Now go back and look at what you wrote. Is your answer dependant on them doing something to change? Why do you think they would be willing to change to make your life easier? You’re right, they won’t. So how are we going to be more effective when working with this person? There are three things that you can change.

1-      The System. Perhaps this person is difficult because they are a ‘stick to the rules’ kind of person and you aren’t. It can be very frustrating to you and that this person is so stuck on the system you don’t agree with. If you could just change the system it would make your life a lot easier, don’t you think? Of course, changing the system is an extremely time intensive proposition with no guarantee of any success. There are people, like Erin Brockovich for example, who are able to change the system but most people decide that the effort does not equal the payoff. If this is your situation, you may choose to avoid trying to change the system. I’m not saying that it won’t work – I am saying that it will take a lot of your time and efforts before you see any dividends. It may be easier to take another approach with your difficult person.

2-      The Other Person. You’ve probably heard the old cliché, “If you plan on changing your spouse when you get married, it makes for a very interesting first marriage.” It’s not so easy to change the other person because there is no incentive for them to change. Why should they? What they are doing is currently working just fine, isn’t it? Consider a co-worker that listens to his music at a very loud volume. He likes I that loud, it helps him drown out all the other noise in the office. You despise the type of music he listens to, and it is far too loud for you to concentrate. You’ve asked your co-worker to turn it down every day for the past three months and it has now escalated into an all-out war between the two of you. You are trying to get your difficult person to see that his music is too loud and you cannot concentrate. You are trying to change his perspective on the volume. Why should he turn it down? He likes it just the way it is. Trying to change the other person is often like hitting your head against a brick wall; it just doesn’t work very well. There is no incentive for the other person to take your perspective.

3-      You. Of course, you do have one hundred percent control of what you do. You could try to change your perspective on the situation. Let’s assume that your difficult person is Mary, and Mary loves to complain about the company you work for. She says things like, “they don’t appreciate us”, “I’m doing all the work around here and never get any recognition”, and “this is an old boys club and women will never get in senior management positions”. Basic whining and moaning, all the time, day in and day out. At first, you agreed with some of the things she said, and occasionally got pulled into the negativity yourself. After a while you realized how destructive this was to your attitude and you tried to convince Mary that she was wrong. This, of course, just intensified the situation and the negativity seemed to get worse. You’ve probably moved into the same ‘zone’ that many of us do when confronted with Mary – saying “You’re right, this is a terrible place to work”, hoping that your agreement will make her go away faster.

Did it work? Not really. What Mary wants is attention and acknowledgment. You are giving her both of those things. We need to change what we are doing to get a different result.

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got”

You’ve heard that before, and it is completely true. If we want to change the way Mary is acting, we need to change what we are doing, and not give her what she wants. People are difficult because they are getting something out of the deal. They may be getting attention, agreement or even success because of it (think of aggressive drivers). If we want them to do something different (remember the opening question?) then we need to DO something different.

The next time Mary says “I hate this company”, don’t argue with her or agree with her, give her what she doesn’t want (agreement, attention, etc.) and say something like “I LOVE working her!” Don’t worry about if you agree with what you are saying or not, give her something other than what she wants. She wants to complain. She wants to be negative. Don’t give her what she wants.

This will work! Sometimes a lot of work too, especially if you happen to be in a negative mood that day and agree with her. Don’t give into the temptation. Be 100% consistent in this approach. For two weeks this will be very difficult for you. I promise that if you are consistent and not give Mary what she wants, then she will change her behaviour.

The next time you are asked the question “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…” the right answer lies within you. You can change what is happening with that person. It takes time, effort, persistence and patience.

The result is worth the effort!

Yes, Adults Can Be Cyberbullied. In the Workplace.

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bullying at work

Has one of your coworkers posted a malicious comment about you on Twitter or threatened you on chat or in an email? You aren’t alone. Bullying is an epidemic affecting an estimated 54 million American workers, according to a study conducted by Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention. A Zogby International poll found that half of the American workforce has either experienced or witnessed bullying at work.

What is Cyberbullying

While workplace bullying can be defined as verbal abuse, conduct that threatens or intimidates an employee and sabotage, cyberbullying has potential to be even more hurtful. It’s easier, because the attacker doesn’t have to see the victim face to face; there are a variety of different attack methods, and it’s anonymous. Some forms of cyberbullying include hateful, threatening emails, offensive content like explicit images and jokes, copying electronic communications to a group to publicly shame an individual, sharing embarrassing photos of an individual and social media gossip.

Social Media

Facebook and Twitter often serve as platforms that allow cyberbullies to slander, demean and harass their coworkers outside of the office. For example, estranged partners often turn to social media to expose personal photos or sensitive emails between the two in order to gain the upper hand.

Prevention

Why is cyberbullying so prevalent? In this competitive workforce, demeaning others’ values, identity or work performance builds them up (in their eyes) to gain professional stature.

But there is no room for cyberbullying in the workplace. It demotivates employees, reduces productivity and causes absenteeism. If the victim feels safe enough, he should have a face-to-face conversation with the cyberbully. Sometimes, it could be that what he took offensively was not meant to be; we all work with people who are difficult, but mean no real harm.

Communication is a powerful tool that can easily save business relationships (and personal relationships too, of course). A fierce conversation sets the stage for change, promotes collaboration, improves decision making, deepens accountability and strengthens relationships while tackling tough issues.

If you can’t resolve the issue on your own, talk to someone from the human resources department or a manager. Most businesses have a code of conduct policy and hopefully, with the growing epidemic of bullying at the workplace, a specific section is dedicated to the problem in the employee handbook.

Don’t Suffer

If the bully is persistent, block his or her phone number (it’s usually free) and block them on your social networking sites. Speak to your work’s IT department, as well, to block incoming emails, or change your email address.

Cyberbullying can lead to other avenues of harassment. If your personal information is being broadcast online, it could get worse. With the smallest amount of information, identity thieves can get into your accounts and wipe you out before you know what hit you. Visit LifeLock on Facebook to see horror stories of data breaches and how an identity thief can ruin your life.

What is Workplace Bullying And How Does it Affect People?

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Workplace bullying is like bullying on the playground except that it occurs in the workplace.

It usually involves verbal comments and incidents that are intended to hurt, harass, isolate, intimidate, or humiliate a person. It is not new but has become what some have called a silent epidemic because it is happening frequently but isn’t always reported.

It is estimated that as many as one in every six workers is bullied at work and it occurs more frequently than sexual harassment. Bullying creates a horrible, hostile and poisonous work environment that leads to severe problems.

Bullying can be obvious and subtle and may take the form of any one or more of these behaviours:

  • spreading malicious, untrue rumours, gossip, or innuendoesTwo serious business women
  • excluding or isolating someone
  • intimidating a person
  • undermining or interfering with a person’s work
  • threatening
  • restricting former responsibilities
  • changing work requirements
  • setting impossible deadlines
  • withholding information
  • providing erroneous information
  • making offensive jokes
  • pestering, spying or stalking
  • not providing sufficient work
  • swearing, yelling or being rude
  • constant unwarranted criticism
  • blocking applications for training, leave, awards or promotion

It is very important to understand that the people who are bullied are not to blame. The victims or targets are usually highly competent, accomplished, experienced and popular. The reason why they have been singled out for this upsetting and unfair treatment is due to the needs and personalities of the persons who are doing the bullying.

Ken Westhues, a sociologist at the University of Waterloo is survivor of academic mobbing (bullying in universities) and has become a recognized expert. He has developed this checklist of indicators.

  1. By standard criteria of job performance, the target is at least average, probably above average.
  2. Rumours and gossip circulate about the target’s misdeeds: “Did you hear what she did last week?”
  3. The target is not invited to meetings or voted onto committees, is excluded or excludes self.
  4. Collective focus on a critical incident that “shows what kind of person they really are”.
  5. Shared conviction that the target needs some kind of formal punishment, “to be taught a lesson”.
  6. Unusual timing of the decision to punish apart from the annual performance review.
  7. Emotion-laden, defamatory rhetoric about the target in oral and written communications.
  8. Formal expressions of collective negative sentiment toward the target. A vote of censure, signatures on a petition, meeting to discuss what to do about the target.
  9. High value on secrecy, confidentiality, and collegial solidarity among the bullies.
  10. Loss of diversity of argument, so that it becomes dangerous to speak up for or defend the target.
  11. Adding up the target’s real or imagined venial sins to make a mortal sin that cries for action.
  12. The target is seen as personally abhorrent with no redeeming qualities; stigmatizing, exclusionary labels are applied.
  13. Disregard of established procedures as the bullies take matters into their own hands.
  14. Resistance to independent outside review of sanctions imposed on the target.
  15. Outraged response to any appeals for outside help the target may make.
  16. Bullies’ fear of violence from target, target’s fear of violence from bullies, or both.

How Does It Affect People?

The target of bullying may suffer from or experience a great number of symptoms all of which result from his or her treatment at work. The events taking place in the workplace are bad enough and very upsetting, but they can also lead to a number of physical, mental, emotional, social and financial problems.

Don’t be alarmed by the list that follows. Victims do not suffer from all of these things but they could encounter any of them.

  • Weight gain
  • Cancer
  • Heart attacks
  • A stress-induced illness
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Low motivation
  • Memory difficulties
  • Learning difficulty
  • Increased fear
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Desire for revenge
  • Depression
  • Anxiety disorders
  • Loss of confidence
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder
  • Career loss
  • Social difficulties
  • Social isolation
  • Separation
  • Divorce
  • Lowered sex drive
  • Suicide
  • Shock
  • Increased feelings of frustration
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • A sense of vulnerability
  • Loss of appetite
  • Sleep disorders
  • Headaches
  • Stomach upsets
  • Family tensions

 

AUTHOR INFO

John Towler is the author of How to Cope with Workplace Bullying which can be purchased online. Dr. Towler is a Senior Partner with Creative Organizational Design, a management consulting firm that specializes in employee testing and surveys. The firm has a test for everything and can test for salespeople, preselection, customer service, management skills etc. They design, administer and score a variety of surveys including attitude, customer service, marketing and web site popularity. Please send comments to Dr. Towler at jotowler@gmail.com. For more information call (519) 745 0142 or visit their web site at www.creativeorgdesign.com.

Is bullying part of growing up?

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“A little bullying never hurt anyone. It makes you learn to stand up for yourself, be a man if you will.”

Bullying good for you? NO WAY!

That’s exactly what I heard sitting the restaurant the other day. It was a conversation between three senior gentlemen, in reference to a news story that was playing on the television being broadcast in the restaurant.

I couldn’t help but listen once I heard that. The three men proceeded to talk about in “their day” bullying was normal. It was part of growing up, and all the kids enjoyed it. One went on to say that he bullied all the time as a young boy, including his own best friend, and that the kids that were being bullied enjoyed it too.

Seriously?

I will be the first to say that there are many interpretations of what bullying means, and that many people who accuse of bullying are incorrect. Bullying is the new racist label. When something bad happens, people call out that they were bullied.

The local politician who claimed the reporter interviewing her was bullying her? No. The interviewer was trying to get the politician to answer a specific question, and not to redirect the interview to her own agenda. That’s not bullying by the reporter at all. That’s a tenacious reporter.

The parent who accused the teacher of bullying her child at school? No, the teacher sent the child to detention because they refused to do the homework assigned. That’s consequence, and part of the teacher’s job to teach responsibility. The teacher is not being a bully.

Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more. In the workplace, bullying usually focuses on distorted or fabricated allegations of underperformance.

The coworker that is systematically trying to destroy your reputation so that she can get your job? That’s bullying. The kids in the playground that beat you up when you were a kid until you give them your lunch money? That’s bullying.

I’m hoping what the senior gentleman were speaking of was a little more along the lines of friendly teasing. I hope it wasn’t the true definition of bullying, because I’m pretty sure that no one enjoys that at all.

I used to hide on my brother and try to scare him. While he didn’t like it, I wasn’t bullying him. When my son starts to tell us a story and says “I have a friend who…” and we jump in with “You have no friends”. We are playing a game that we all know the rules to, and everyone is having fun. It isn’t bullying either. When someone in the office gets me a coffee, it isn’t because I forced her to in order to avoid the consequences. Maybe she wanted to get me a coffee.

Don’t lose sight of what bullying really is. Don’t allow it to continue, but don’t assume that bullying “helps make a man” either.

The gentlemen in the restaurant were wrong with their perception of bullying. Their opinions could be very hurtful to someone that is truly being bullied.

A relaxing Saturday on the links with Uncle Ron

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Have you ever been on the receiving end of an angry tirade that made you feel threatened? That’s exactly what happened to me Saturday on the golf course.

Rhonda, Mom & Uncle Ron

I was on a mini-vacation with my mom, golfing on a beautiful Saturday with my Uncle Ron and my cousin, Debbie. My uncle is an average golfer. Some days he plays very well, and other days he isn’t so lucky.

Saturday was one of the best days he has ever had on the golf course; he was hitting the ball for miles. He had a big grin on his face to show his pleasure with his success, too. It was a great day.

Until the 4th hole.

Uncle Ron stepped up to the tee and shot a drive that looked like Bubba Watson had gotten hold of it. Probably the best drive of his life. Perfectly straight, almost on the green (it was a par four).

And, about 50 yards past the group of golfers in front of us.

If you are a golfer, you will recognize immediately what a major gaffe this was. You should never hit up to the golfers in front you, let alone past them. Someone could get seriously hurt with a flying golf ball.

Uncle Ron was 100 per cent at fault and immediately felt terrible for this amazing shot. Terrible for what could have happened. Fortunately he didn’t hit anyone (the shot was well over their heads, fortunately).

One of the people in the group in front of us was very upset by this (and rightfully so). He hopped in his golf cart, and came racing back to us.

When he got to us, before he said anything my Uncle Ron started to apologize. He took full responsibility and was very good about his apology.

But it wasn’t good enough for Mr. Golfer. He screamed and yelled. Uncle Ron said, “I apologize,” about four more times. And then stopped talking; clearly nothing he said was getting through to Mr. Golfer.

Then, Mr. Golfer threatened all of us. He said, “make sure you don’t play

golf here again,” and we understood his meaning to be “or something bad will happen to you.” It was a serious physical threat. I gave my uncle credit, though. Although he clarified, “Are you threatening me?” he didn’t take the bait, and didn’t get into it with Mr. Golfer. Clearly he knew that this would be a recipe for danger.

When we stopped responding, and Mr. Golfer finished screaming, he got in his cart and started to drive away. On his final look at my cousin Debbie, he wagged his finger and told her, “not to be smiling about this!”  In fact, she had a look of “holy cow!” on her face that was not a smile.

What would you have done in this situation?

I am guessing it was very difficult for my uncle not to defend himself, or us, as we were being threatened. It would have been very difficult not to yell back, “I’ve said I’m sorry four times – what else do you want me to do?” I’m sure it was very difficult for him not to take the bait.

But it was the right thing to do. Being threatened is way, way out of line. But the only way to make this guy go away was to stop talking. What would have been accomplished by arguing with him? Potential danger for sure.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond at all. And many times that is the most difficult thing to do.

Difficult People Can Be Overcome

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There are many types of difficult people. They come in all shapes and sizes. Difficult people hold many different social and economical status.  Difficult people make things…well…difficult.

If any one person seeks to alienate, divide, belittle, or in general make a hostile work environment, or makes you dread going to work, they may qualify as a difficult person. They could be a bully, or it could be just a personality clash. Regardless, there are certain things you must do.

First, take away the power they have over you.  At the moment, they have control, and you need to get back in charge (for you).

You need to document all paper, e-mails, or vocal exchanges.  Suffering, tolerating or ignoring any type of workplace bullying will get you nowhere except in a hospital.

One option you have is to rationally speak with the offender, keeping anger and reactionary response out of it.  Mull things over, sleep on it, and talk with co-workers, friends, and family to ensure you’re not being rash.

The difficult person in question will probably talk with others as well and possibly turn others against you. Take your concerns to a higher position, with facts and documentation, (proving you have integrity, respect, and genuine appreciation for your job and other people).

Difficult people can make us disgruntled and leave us feeling disposable.  Often times this particular difficult person has lashed out at others, (you are often not the only victim).

“Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men” General George S Patton, Jr

Customarily difficult people have issues of their own and for whatever reason makes them feel better to demean and chastise people that are weaker or are a threat to them. It is in you to regain the power to create your own quality of life.

Let your management know that you want to achieve the goals of your organization, for it is through teamwork and shared goals, principles, and values, that your organization will be able to succeed!

Working with a Bully?

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You have enough to worry about at your job, and getting bullied by your coworkers should never be one of them. It is normal to fear retaliation by a workplace bully.  Running away and letting them continue to bully you is not the right approach (but you already know that!).

Write Everything Down

If you’ve been bullied, write down everything that you can about the event. Don’t forget the basics, like what day the event occurred, where it occurred, who was around and what was said.  Please be truthful and objective (black and white). Do not embellish or get emotional. Stick to the facts as best as you can remember them.  Keep in mind that your bully’s supervisor will need this information in order to be able to see a pattern if possible.

If the bully is harassing you via email, text messaging, fax, audit reports, time sheets, memos or by good old snail mail, then smile.  The work has been done for you.  Collect as many of these as you can before you go up the ladder. You can report to your boss, your bully’s boss, Human Resources, your union rep, or whoever you think will be able to best help you immediately..

Don’t Be Alone

Your bully will deny any and all of the accusations brought against him or her.  Expect that. Make it much harder for the bully by never being alone in a room with her. Make sure that someone else is always within earshot that can back you up. A bully is more likely to harass their victims when the victim is alone than even when just one other bystander is nearby.

If you can’t find a human witness, then carry a mechanical witness with you in the form of a cell phone camera or a small tape recorder.  Do a test run with your cell phone inside of a jacket pocket or lying on a table to hear how well voices record. Many cell phones have excellent audio. Carrying a tape recorder is much easier to do in the winter than in the summer, unless your blazer has an inside pocket.

Resist Revenge

This step is hard to do. You will constantly think up things you can say or do to get back at your bully.  Just think them – don’t actually do them. It’s never okay to act on these revenge fantasies, even if the bully really REALLY deserves it. They can easily backfire and cost you your job.

Whenever you do interact with your bully, keep a calm and even tone of voice. Don’t yell and don’t swear that you’ll get even. Don’t even bother to tell them you are documenting all of this. Pretend that you are being watched by the boss. If the bully tries to back you in a corner, move as quickly as possible to anyplace that would have other employees around.

Relax and Talk to Friends

You should not have to spend your off hours worrying about getting bullied again.  Since this is a problem that ís bothering you, you will need to let off some steam. Talk to your friends and loved ones.  They may have tips for you. They may also have been in a similar situation and can sympathize. Better to speak to friends that are not friends at work though.

Bullies try to make their victims feel as if they deserve to be bullied. Spending time with people who value you can not only get you to relax, but can wreck the bully’s plans.

What are you afraid of?

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Emotions are not your friend when they rule your interactions with your difficult person.  You need to be black and white, focused on the facts, calm, cool and collected. You will have no problem dealing with issues that you are not emotional about (because you don’t care), but as soon as you “care” you will have a problem dealing with the situation.

It is in your best interest to NOT respond nor react when you are being ruled by your emotions.

Take time out.  Be sure to arrange a follow up with your difficult person when you can get some perspective, when you can be calm, focused and professional.

You are emotional for a reason.  Are you being ruled by fear? What are you afraid of? If so, figure out what is at the root of that fear, and see what you can do to work around it (are you afraid you’ll lose your job, the boss won’t like you, that you’ll look stupid?). Your fear will probably not be rational. But once you can identify the fear, then you can deal with it.

Your emotions will be easier to handle when there is understanding.

So, what are you afraid of?

Meetings and your Difficult Person/Bully

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If you are attending a meeting this week, and your difficult person (or bully) is attending, make a point to sit BESIDE her, not across the table from her.

When you position yourself across the table you are placing yourself in a potentially adversarial position.  By putting yourself beside your difficult person you are in a position of equality, not competition.

This way you don’t even have to guess if she is talking about you. You know she isn’t, nor can she (you are much too close)! This will take some of the pressure off you (believe it or not), and hopefully you’ll be able to concentrate on your job more.

I survived

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You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1.     Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

  • So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2.     Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

  • Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
  • Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
  • You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
  • You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3.     Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4.     Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Manage Your Stress

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Dealing with a difficult person, having an unexpected confrontation or working every day with a bully is going to take it’s toll on you physically.  Your stress levels will soar, and it is important to manage your stress so you can manage your situation.

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute:

76% of people being bullied suffer from severe anxiety
71% have their sleep disrupted
71% suffer from lack of concentration
47% suffer from post traumatic stress disorder
39% suffer from clinical depression
32% have panic attacks

Even if it isn’t a bully that you are dealing with, you can see how seriously these types of situations affect your stress.  When your stress is high, your ability to deal with the regular demands of life is compromised.  The simple things often become too much to handle.

Make 2011 the year to get on-the-right-track when dealing with your difficult person/confrontation or bully.  Take care of yourself first before you worry about dealing with the other person.

Surf the internet for stress articles, check out my office advice blog: http://on-the-right-track.com/office-advice-blog/ for ongoing articles, and search this blog for previous postings as well.

Expect to be stressed.  Anticipate it so that you can deal with it as well.

Putting a stop to email bullying

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Don't have confrontations on email

Bullying has been getting a lot of press lately. In a recent Zogby International study, 54 million Americans say they have been attacked by bullies at work. That is an astounding number.

The definition of bullying is activity that is unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to harm the victim. It is persistent, prolonged and it happens over a period of time.

What we’ve seen is a change in the way people are handling confrontation. Many people are uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so email confrontation is increasing astronomically. People are clearly not uncomfortable with email confrontation.

I’ve recently seen several cases of email bullying. I’m willing to bet that the person involved in the email confrontation was not aware that she was being unfair, humiliating, potentially malicious or vindictive. I’m willing to bet that these people thought they were handing the situation clearly and in a businesslike manner.

That was not the case.

To begin with, confrontation should not be handled via email.

I realize that given the choice, it’s easier to have a confrontation via email rather than face-to-face. It gives us the opportunity to choose our words carefully, and to be very clear and unemotional. It also gives us a valuable paper trail so we don’t have to rely on “he said–she said” afterthought.

So I realize that sometimes these tense conversations are held via email. As much as I advise you not to do that, it does sometimes still happen. If so, here’s what not to do: add someone else to the conversation.

If it is a conversation between you and another person, don’t include others; don’t add anyone to the cc: field. Especially don’t add anyone to the bcc: field, (which includes others in the conversation without the receiver being aware of it). If you are having an issue with one person, don’t bring others into it without permission. That is unfair and potentially humiliating.

A client I’ve been coaching was having an email dialogue with a contractor in another time zone. Things got heated and unexpectedly, several VPs and senior directors from my client’s firm were added to the conversation. My client felt ganged up on; he felt that adding his executives to the discussion was unfair to him. It was certainly humiliating and he felt that his contractor was trying to harm his professional reputation.

That is bullying. Would the bully do this again? Potentially, as it probably worked well for him.

The bully in my example would have defended his position by saying that the senior team needed to be brought into the conversation. While that justification might be accurate, shouldn’t the other party be aware, and agree to that? The bully gave my client no choice.

Be careful you’re not bullying someone on email without being aware of it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you feel that it was unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to hurt you?

If you’ve ever called a co-worker over to read an email to make sure it sounds okay, don’t send it. I guarantee the tone you are hoping it is read in is not the tone that it will be read in. Pick up the phone or go speak to the individual in person, but don’t handle the conversation via email if there is another option.

And if you are being bullied via email, stop the conversation immediately. Pick up the phone. Find a way to speak to the person using any medium other than email. Take control so your bully cannot continue to bully you.

What is a bully?

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Dear Rhonda:  I’m working with someone I think is a bully.  She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way.  My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse.  What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with.  Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want  to get involved (Zogby study).  That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well.  If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences.  One person will be very direct, one will be passive.  One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not.  One person likes attention, and one does not.  Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying.  It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

What is a bully?

–       unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

–       someone who intends to harm the victim

–       is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

–       will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

–       has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective.  What does the bully get from bullying you?  What is their payoff?  Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)?  Why?

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