How to Deal With Difficult People

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Co-authored by Amber Rosenberg, PCC

Last Updated: August 3, 2020

Difficult people are everywhere. Perhaps you too can be difficult. Many people go through periods where they don’t act their best. If you want to maintain a relationship with a difficult person, you will need to develop some coping and negotiation strategies.

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Approaching a Difficult Person

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    Choose your battles wisely. When butting heads with a difficult person, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss the problem.[1] Not every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become. Ideally, you and this difficult person would be able to set aside your differences and compromise. Sometimes, this is impossible.

    • Ask yourself if the situation is causing you enough distress that it must be addressed.
    • Consider your relationship with this person. If it’s your boss or another authority figure, you have to accept some things you don’t like (unless it’s abusive behavior).[2] If it’s a friend or family member, think about whether choosing not to engage is enabling bad behavior or simply saving you time and grief.
    • Can you even win this fight? You may really want to take on someone who irks you, but you need to size up the situation and consider if it really is one that you can resolve. Perhaps the timing is bad or you need to formulate a plan, get help, or consider your options.
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    Pause for a moment before reacting to difficult behavior. Take a deep breath before responding to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If your conflict is happening via email or texting, try to avoid sending digital text messages when upset. Take a bit of time to let your stress level decrease. Then you will be able to approach the person more reasonably.[3]

    • If possible, discuss your issue somewhere neutral or while doing an activity. For example, you could talk while walking. This can limit negative face-to-face interactions.[4]
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    State your needs clearly with assertive communication. Don’t give the person the opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words.[5] Aim to use “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. For example:

    • “I understand that you are frustrated by my lateness. I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, the subway line was down this morning and we were stuck in the station. I am very sorry for making you wait!”
    • Do not say: “You are unreasonable for expecting me to be punctual when the subway system was broken down. If you really cared, you could have Googled my line and checked.”
    EXPERT TIP
    Amber Rosenberg, PCC
    AMBER ROSENBERG, PCC
    Career Coach

    Try a sandwich approach when talking to a difficult person. Start with a positive comment like letting them know you value the relationship, then go into the difficult part of the conversation. In the end, finish with another positive comment like thanking them for listening to you.

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    Continue being polite. No matter the response of the other person, keep your cool. Do not resort to name-calling. Take breaths before your responses. The key is to be the better person and not let yourself sink to their level. Also, the calmer you remain, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.[6]

    • If you stay polite, the other person may be more likely to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say instead of getting defensive.
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    Stick to the facts. Keep a short, clear narrative that is not bogged down with too much detail or emotion. It is very possible you won’t be able to get the person to see your point of view and you don’t need to try to convince them. State what happened and don’t feel you need to explain yourself.[7]

    • Avoid trigger topics.[8] For example, if you always fight about holidays with your sister-in-law, don’t discuss them! Have someone else do the mediating.
    • Avoid being defensive.[9] You might want to argue your point, but with difficult people, it is best to bypass these kinds of arguments. Do not waste your time trying to prove that you are right. Instead, keep the situation as neutral as possible.
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    Set limits with them and stick to those limits. Setting limits or boundaries with another person can be difficult at first, but it’s key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Decide which behaviors you’re willing to tolerate, and how you will deal with them. You could set limits for yourself, e.g., “I’ll spend an hour with Mom on Mother’s Day, but I won’t spend a whole day with her.” Or, you could set clear boundaries with the other person. For example, “Please don’t make comments about my weight. If you do, I’ll immediately end the conversation and walk away.”[10]

    • Once you set a limit, do your best to enforce it. Many difficult people will continue to take advantage of you if they think you won’t stick to your boundaries.
    • For instance, if you’ve told a difficult coworker that you don’t want them to tell sexist jokes around you, don’t call them out sometimes and ignore them at other times. Be consistent about asking them not to continue the behavior. You could even set a specific consequence, like, “If it happens again, I’ll bring it up with HR.”
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    Minimize your interactions. Although hopefully you can deal with your problem person, if not, limit your time with them. If you must interact, try to keep things short by excusing yourself from the conversation or bringing a third party into the conversation. Stay as positive as possible and make sure to calm down afterward.[11]

    • Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague or sibling you want.[12]
    • If all else fails, you may need to cut ties with the person altogether. This can be especially difficult if it’s a close family member, a significant other, or someone you work with. However, if their behavior is seriously toxic and abusive, it might be time to move on.
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    Talk to allies. If you are not making headway with someone and need to do so, speak with a potential mediator. Perhaps your boss can help improve the situation. If your conflict is within the family, find a mutual party who can negotiate. Strive to share complaints only with people you trust.
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Changing Your Mindset

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    Realize there will always be difficult people. No matter where you live or work, you will encounter people who seem like they are out to hurt others. The key is to learn how to deal with these sorts of people. Because they are impossible to avoid, it may help you to identify some of the different types of difficult people so you can decide on the best way to interact with them. They include:[13]

    • “Hostile” people. These people tend to react violently. They can be cynical, argumentative, and have trouble being in the wrong. These people thrive in power roles or as cyber bullies.
    • “Rejection-Sensitive” people, or folk look for insults. In other words, they are easily offended. They often use textual means (email, texting) to express their dismay.
    • “Neurotic” types. They might be anxious or pessimistic and often are very critical of others.
    • “Egotists,” or those who prize their own interests first. They loathe compromise, are hyper-sensitive to personal affronts, and may be ungrateful even when you’ve done something for them.
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    Increase your frustration tolerance. The other person’s behavior is beyond your control, but you get to decide how you will react and whether or not to engage them. One way to do this is by increasing your frustration tolerance, which involves challenging irrational beliefs that may lead you to become stressed, get angry, or lose your cool.

    • When interacting with someone difficult, you may be thinking, “I can’t deal with this person anymore!” Before you react based on this irrational thought, take a deep breath, and question its validity.
    • The reality is that you can deal with it—although it may take a lot of energy and willpower. You won’t die or go insane because your mother-in-law is trying to micromanage Thanksgiving or your boss is going on a rant. You are strong and you can take it. Your choice lies in how you take it: will you stress until your blood pressure begins to soar, or will you take some deep breaths and hand your mother-in-law some carrots to chop so she’s occupied?
    • When you find yourself using words like “must,” “can’t,” “should,” “have to,” “always,” or “never,” take a moment to reassess that thought.
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    Examine your own behavior. If people continually attack you, it could be that you are attracting the wrong types of people. For example, if you are overly negative, other pessimistic people might flock to you. Try to find friends who are engaged in positive behaviors.

    • When you had negative experiences in the past, what was your role? What were your actions in response to the behavior? For example, let’s say your friend Liz constantly picks on you. Do you respond to her? Do you stand up for yourself?
    • It’s helpful to recognize your own strengths and weaknesses. That way, when you confront difficult people in the future, you will be better equipped to handle them.
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    Be aware of your perceptions of others. One of your friends might seem difficult, but they could be going through a rough time or struggling to deal with a difficult situation. Instead of judging others’ behaviors immediately, practice empathy by stepping back and reflecting on how you would feel in their place. If you are sensitive to personality differences, you will be better able to hand diverse conflicts.

    • Practice acceptance by taking a deep breath and looking at the person with as much compassion as possible. Say to yourself: “I see that you are suffering. I accept that you are anxious and scared, even if I don’t understand why. I accept that you are making me anxious, too.”[14]
    • When you accept that something “just is,” acknowledging and accepting that the person is difficult, you release some of the tension created by resistance or trying to fight.[15]
    • Imagine a sympathetic reason for their behavior.[16] You may not understand why a customer just blew up at you for no apparent reason. Instead of becoming angry yourself, consider that they might be suffering from severe, chronic pain, which gives them an extremely short fuse. It doesn’t matter if the reason is valid or even very realistic – it helps you stay calm and not feed into the negativity.[17]
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