Written By: THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF LEADERSHIP AND SUCCESS
https://www.nsls.org/blog/leading-difficult-people
Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.
Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.
Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”
Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.
THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.
According to the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), there are 11 behaviors that difficult people often have, which include:
Poor job performance
Doesn’t work well with others
Doesn’t respond to coaching
Resistant to change
Not responsible for their own actions
Has a negative attitude
Poor work ethic
Displays arrogance
Poor communication skills
Mismatched between skills and actual job
Relies on “Yes, but…” weaknesses
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:
Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.
HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?
Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.
1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.
For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.
To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.
Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.
2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.
You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.
A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.
Other tips for making sure the communication process goes smoothly:
Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.
Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.
Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.
Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful. Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare. Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.
3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.
While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.
Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.
Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:
Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.
4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.
If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.
LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.
Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.
Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-06-03 12:50:362024-06-06 07:06:224 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Have you ever had a relationship with someone, and it immediately didn’t feel right? It felt like there was some tension in the relationship, and you weren’t sure why?
Unintentionally, we often create conflict. We rarely see that we are at fault and are often unsure why there is tension in the relationship. Sometimes things feel off, and we can’t figure out what went wrong and where it went wrong.
Here are three ways we create conflict or tension in relationships, along with the solutions to avoid it moving forward.
We all have a basic psychological to be valued and treated as individuals. We don’t want to feel like one of the crowd; we want to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized.
Sometimes, we create conflict by not valuing the other person or treating them as an individual. Years ago, my husband and I would go to our local church each week. We would show up, and every week someone at the door would say, “Welcome to our church.” Which we loved, followed by, “Are you new here?” The first couple of times, I thought, isn’t that nice? But after we kept going for months and months and months, and they kept asking us, “Are you new here?” I thought, why don’t you see me here each week? Why don’t you remember? It started to create tension as I wasn’t feeling part of the community I wanted to be part of. I didn’t want to go to this church because I wasn’t feeling valued or recognized.
As someone who travels, I have my favorite airlines and hotels. I love it when I walk into a hotel, and they say, “Welcome back.” You know as well as I do that the person behind the desk doesn’t remember me, and I don’t remember them, but they know that I’m a frequent guest at the hotel or a frequent flyer, and they say, “Welcome back.” That makes me feel recognized and valued.
How do you recognize and value the people that you work with? When you’ve worked with a client before, and they call you up, do you say, “It’s nice to hear from you again”? Do you keep files on your clients?
My dentist keeps notes of my visits. One visit, she said, “Last time we were speaking, you were on your way to New York City. How was it?” It always makes me feel like she values me. She creates a relationship with me. Imagine if every time I went to the dentist, she said, “Now what is it you do again?” I would not feel valued and recognized, which would create tension or even conflict because I remember her. You can imagine my thought process is, “I’m giving you all this money, and you don’t remember me?”
The solution is easy; start remembering people. Start treating them with value and recognition. Yes, she creates notes on each patient and reads them before she treats us. I don’t expect that she actually remembers without her notes, but once she jogs her memory on our last visit, she can easily make me feel valued.
People also require self-esteem. If they don’t feel good about themselves or feel good about the interaction, it will create conflict or tension unintentionally.
Let’s assume you’re sitting around a board room table, and Sarah walks into the meeting late, and Frank says, “Oh, it’s about time you got here. You need a class on time management?” To begin, the comment is inappropriate. The comment is likely to be meant as a joke and make light of the fact that Sarah arrived at the meeting late. Instead, it embarrasses them by pointing out that they were late. Did the comment create conflict or tension? Yes.
I have a dry, witty, sarcastic sense of humor that can easily create conflict, although that is not my intention. My goal is to be funny, but when my goal is at someone else’s expense, I’ve unintentionally embarrassed them or made them the butt of my joke. I’ve created conflict or tension if my humor is at someone else’s expense.
Start to look at your interactions, humor, those quick one-liners we all use. Do they embarrass (even in jest) another? If so, ask yourself if that is your intention. If it isn’t (and shouldn’t be), you need to recognize that you might be unintentionally creating conflict or tension. Stop doing it.
We also have an unbelievable need to be fair. We know as adults that life is not fair, and this seems like a strange way to create conflict. Conflict will be created when something is perceived as not fair.
For instance, let’s assume a new job is posted within your company and you’ve applied for it. You feel that you are the most qualified, the most senior, and the most deserving candidate; however, the person who did get the job is relatively junior and at the company for a short period of time. In your mind, you might say, “That’s not fair,” and between the two of you, conflict will occur. The other person has no idea there is conflict or tension, but you do as you are upset with the decision of others. Can you sincerely congratulate them and wish them the best of luck with no ill feelings? For many of us, that would be hard as we felt that we should be in the job. That’s the tension it created. It wasn’t fair they got the job when you perceived yourself as better qualified.
We all know life is not fair. However, anytime there is a perception of the situation not being fair, conflict will arise. We need always to be aware of that. Ensure you are treating people equitably and fair.
Creating tension or conflict in relationships is unintentional; however, there are times we are all guilty of doing so. Analyze your working conversations and situations to ensure that you aren’t the one who is damaging the relationship.
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-27 09:50:012024-06-06 07:20:00Do You Create Conflict or Tension with Others?
Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations
We’ve all been there – faced with the daunting task of engaging in a conversation that feels like treading on thin ice. Both in our personal and professional settings, difficult conversations are inevitable. Yet, as challenging as they may seem, they often hold the key to unlocking growth and strengthening relationships. Dive in, and let’s unpack this.
The Anatomy of Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations often come with a whirlwind of emotions, making them charged with potential misunderstandings. It’s essential to understand the significance of these discussions. Why? Because they matter – they shape our interactions, relationships, and outcomes.
Common scenarios that often require careful navigation include:
Performance issues with employees: Discussing lackluster performance can be tricky, but it’s essential for the growth of both the individual and the organization.
Customer dissatisfaction or complaints: No business wants unhappy customers, but addressing their concerns with empathy and understanding can turn detractors into promoters.
Setting boundaries or declining requests: Saying ‘no’ is never easy, but it’s sometimes necessary to maintain balance and integrity.
Preparation for the Conversation
Have you ever heard the saying, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail“? It’s especially true here. Preparing for a challenging conversation can be the difference between a fruitful and disastrous discussion.
Setting clear objectives is paramount:
What is the desired outcome? Are you looking for a resolution, understanding, or something else?
What needs to be addressed or communicated? Being clear on your points prevents you from wandering off track.
What is the personality style of the person you are communicating with, and how must you plan your conversation delivery for them?
It’s also wise to anticipate potential reactions. If you can predict how the other party might respond, you can prepare suitable responses or solutions.
Lastly, choosing the proper environment is crucial:
Neutral: Ensure the location doesn’t favor one party.
Private: Confidential matters should stay confidential.
Free from distractions: You want the focus to remain on the conversation.
Key Strategies for Effective Communication
Mastering the art of communication is a lifelong journey, but its rewards in navigating difficult conversations are immeasurable. Effective communication can mean the difference between escalating and resolving a situation harmoniously. Let’s delve deeper into some of these essential strategies.
Active Listening
Active listening goes beyond just hearing words; it involves immersing oneself in the essence of what’s being communicated. It’s about genuine engagement.
Truly hearing the other party’s perspective: It’s easy to get caught up in formulating our following argument while someone else is talking. Resist this urge. Instead, focus on understanding the message, emotions, and nuances they convey. Doing so provides clarity and fosters a sense of respect and validation for the other person.
Avoiding interruptions or immediate counterarguments: Let’s be honest; no one likes to be interrupted. It sends a message that what they’re saying isn’t valuable. Allowing the other party to finish their thoughts creates a space of mutual respect.
The Power of “I” Statements
Pointing fingers rarely leads to productive outcomes. However, using “I” statements personalizes your feelings and reactions without making it about the other person’s actions.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I express my thoughts.” This slight shift in phrasing fosters understanding rather than defensiveness.
Open-Ended Questions
These questions can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They encourage a more comprehensive response and deeper thinking.
For instance, asking, “How did that make you feel?” instead of “Did that upset you?” can lead to richer insights and greater clarity for both parties involved.
Managing Emotions
Tensions can run high during difficult conversations. But remember, losing control of emotions can derail even the most well-intentioned discussion.
Taking breaks if needed: If the conversation is becoming overly heated, suggesting a short break is perfectly okay. This lets both parties gather their thoughts and approach the discussion with renewed calmness.
Practicing deep breathing or other calming techniques: Physical responses to stress, like elevated heart rate or faster breathing, can amplify feelings of anger or anxiety. Taking slow, deep breaths can help regulate these responses and maintain clarity of thought.
Solutions Over Problems
It’s easy to get bogged down discussing problems. However, spending all our energy dissecting what went wrong might miss the chance to find a way forward. You can always steer the conversation towards potential solutions. This proactive approach addresses the issue at hand and reinforces the idea that both parties are working together towards a common goal.
The Power of “What and How” Questions
For years, we have taught teams the five whys to get to the root of a problem. Boy, were we wrong? Yes, five whys may work, but why questions imply judgment like “Why did that happen? “What and How questions help us discuss the situation without judgment, and the other person does not become defensive.
Turning Challenges into Relationship-Building Opportunities
Challenges don’t always have to be setbacks; they can be setups for a stronger bond.
By showing vulnerability and authenticity, you lay a foundation of trust.
Empathy plays a huge role in this:
Seeking to genuinely understand the other’s perspective: Stepping into their shoes can provide invaluable insights.
Expressing genuine concern and care: Showing genuine care can melt barriers.
Discover common ground and shared values. It’s surprising how commonality can be found when looking for it.
After the conversation, committing to follow-up actions and ensuring follow-through is crucial. This shows the results of your talk.
Lastly, always emphasize the importance of open communication in the future. Today’s difficult conversations can pave the way for easier ones tomorrow.
Post-Conversation Reflection and Growth
After navigating the murky waters of a challenging discussion, take a moment to reflect.
Evaluating the outcomes:
Were objectives met? Did you achieve what you set out to?
Were both parties heard and understood? This ensures that there’s no lingering resentment or misunderstanding.
Identify learning opportunities:
What went well? Celebrate these victories.
What could be improved in the future? This will make future discussions even more effective.
Building on this experience can pave the way for more fruitful conversations.
Conclusion
Difficult conversations aren’t necessarily a roadblock; they can be bridges to deeper understanding and stronger relationships. Embrace them. With the proper training, strategies, and mindset, effective communication can turn challenges into opportunities, fostering relationships that stand the test of time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-21 08:47:222024-06-06 07:17:05Beyond the Comfort Zone: Building Bridges Through Difficult Conversations
Whether they are personal or professional, no one likes having difficult conversations. They make you anxious and uncomfortable, and they make the other person anxious and uncomfortable. But they need to be done. If we avoid them, we create a much bigger situation that is harder to fix.
Here are five quick tips to ensure your difficult conversations don’t go sideways.
Be prepared. Don’t assume you can wing this conversation. There is too much at stake to mess it up. Figure out what your issue is so you can keep focused. What is the solution you are hoping for, and what questions should you ask to ensure the conversation heads in the right direction.
This means you need to think about the conversation instead of automatically assuming it will go well. Think about what could go wrong, how things could be misunderstood, and how the other person feels hearing what you have to say.
Schedule a time to talk. You cannot ambush the other person. It would help if you gave them time to prepare for the conversation. Just because the two of you are alone in the elevator does not mean you should have the conversation then and there.
Schedule a place that is private and professional. Make sure others cannot hear you.
Be comfortable with silence. As much as you have scheduled a time and place to speak, so you don’t ambush the other person, ensure that you don’t turn this difficult conversation into a lecture. Give the other person the opportunity to digest what you are saying and respond to it as well. You’ve had time to think about what and how you want to say something. They haven’t had the same opportunity.
When you ask a question, be sure to wait a full ten seconds for the other person to respond before you say something else. It is a conversation, not a lecture. Give them time to respond.
Do NOT email. I know that many people want to email this difficult conversation as it is easier to plan out what you want to say as well as to give you and the other person time to digest before a response is expected. However, it never goes according to plan.
We want the paper trail to show how we responded professionally and respectfully. I can almost guarantee the other person doesn’t read your email in the same tone you intended. They will read sarcasm or insult to your words. And you will do the same with theirs.
Email always backfires.
Don’t bring others into it. It is tempting to say, “I am not the only one who feels this way,” to justify why we are having this difficult conversation. Only, that line never offers justification; it derails the conversation instantly.
Instead of talking about the issue, we are now talking about who else is talking about them behind their back? It feels like they’ve been the subject of office gossip, and that never feels good. It will be hard to stay focused on the issue at hand as their focus will be on “who else feels this way.”
Difficult Conversations are called difficult for a reason. They take the nerve to have the conversation and the will to ensure it is respectful and successful. Neither are easy, but these tips will ensure they are successful!
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-13 07:59:382024-05-13 08:00:26Tips for Having Difficult Conversations
I have a (former) friend with whom I refuse to go to dinner anymore. She returns the food to the kitchen 100 percent of the time. She doesn’t like her hairdresser, complains about how she is treated in hotels, and is a nightmare to work with. She is constantly complaining about the service she gets everywhere she goes.
Before I realized this was her norm, I asked her about always returning her meal to the kitchen at a restaurant. She explained to me that she felt she worked very hard for her money and expected the best when she spent it. If she returned it to the kitchen, it would come back super hot and fresh. She also giggled and explained that many times, she also got a free dessert or a discount on her meal.
I stopped eating in restaurants with her after that meal.
It was her personality that made her so difficult. She would have never agreed that she was a difficult person, but instead felt that she was assertive and stood up for herself.
Statistically, 2 percent of the population falls into the category of “difficult people.” Some days, I run into a month’s worth of 2 percent all in one day.
Which begs the question, why? Why do some people consistently make the world a more challenging place? Why do some people treat others poorly? Why don’t they ever realize they are difficult and change?
1. Insecurity or self-esteem. Imposter syndrome affects everyone differently. I tend to be a bit quiet and shy when I’m feeling imposter syndrome, but some people feel the need to compensate or overexaggerate how important they are. We’ve all seen the braggarts and wondered why they felt the need to treat other people as if they were ‘less than’ them.
2. Payoff. Every action we take is prompted by something we want or get. In my Dealing with Difficult People workshops, I call that the “payoff.” We all do what we do because we get something from it. The payoff can be various reasons: control, competitiveness, attention, the need to be right, etc. Your colleague is chronically negative (it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too wet, too green, too brown, too white) because they are (in their opinion) just making conversation. Their payoff is that they are a good conversationist. They don’t see themselves as negative.
Think about it—what do people love to do? Complain. It can be the weather, politics, or your favorite sports team. They would never consider themselves negative. Their payoff is that it starts conversation (and it always does, right?).
My friend’s payoff in the example above is that she had fresh hot food and occasionally something for free. Her payoff is that she feels acknowledged.
3. Entitlement. Similar to insecurity and even payoff, some people feel they are more special than others and deserve things that others don’t.
4. Personality Traits: Some people have inherently difficult personalities, such as being stubborn, confrontational, or overly critical. They feel more difficult if we are not the same or sometimes if we are.
In transparency, I can be stubborn (this won’t surprise some of you). I can dig in and fight if the situation warrants it, and I find it frustrating/difficult when I meet someone who does the same to me. Our personality traits are similar, and yet we find one another difficult.
5. Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. I am a direct communicator and am sometimes considered too aggressive or difficult (although I don’t perceive my communication as aggressive or difficult). Others may be passive-aggressive or overly direct, which can be difficult for others to navigate.
6. Past Experiences: Past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or negative experiences can shape someone’s behavior and make them defensive or guarded in certain situations. This may manifest as difficulty.
7. Emotional State: People experiencing stress, anxiety, or other emotional challenges may exhibit difficult behavior to cope with their emotions.
8. Lack of Empathy: Some people may lack empathy or have difficulty understanding others’ perspectives, making it hard for them to relate to or connect with others. Their lack of compassion may be perceived as a difficult person.
9. Control Issues: People who need to control situations or others may exhibit difficult behavior when they feel their control is threatened. Oh yes, we all might be guilty here!
10. Cultural Differences: Cultural norms and values can influence behavior, leading to misunderstandings or conflicts when people from different cultural backgrounds interact.
It’s not about you! I know this isn’t why they are difficult, but if you look at the answers above, you’ll see that none of them are about you. It is extremely rare that people are difficult just to annoy you! They are reacting to their environment and situation and getting something they need rather than trying to ruin your day.
So, the next time you encounter a difficult person, go through this checklist and ask yourself why they are being so difficult. Once we can diagnose their “why,” it is often easier to deal with their behavior.
My former friend and I are no longer friendly for reasons I’m not sure. When I look at her motivation for being so difficult, I end up with entitlement. She feels she deserves special treatment. She isn’t worried about how hard others work for their money (it is never about the other person), but she feels she is entitled to special treatment for whatever invisible reason. She is “better” than the other people in the restaurant (or salon, hotel, etc).
While I’m sorry we aren’t friends, as I’d like to analyze her more (LOL), it is helpful to understand why she shows these tendencies to be so difficult. It helps me to hold back from yelling at her when she treats people in a way that is unacceptable to me. When you can diagnose, it is easier to understand and respond to (instead of reacting to).
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-05-06 07:26:222024-06-06 07:01:48Why are Difficult People Difficult?
You’ve got a colleague who deliberately leaves you off the email discussion, doesn’t invite you to meetings, openly seems hostile to you, and you are pretty sure they are talking smack behind your back to others. You know they not only don’t like you, but it feels like they are trying to get you fired!
Are you working with a difficult person, a bully, or is it actual harassment?
You’ve tried every technique you can to work with them. You’re uber polite, you go extra lengths to ensure you aren’t reacting to their treatment of you, and you spend countless hours worrying about why they are targeting you.
And nothing works. It may be time to contact your union representative, senior leadership, or human resources. Before you do, you want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not the “different personalities clashing” but, instead, legitimate harassment.
Does what they are doing qualify as harassment? Will your company take you seriously or tell you to grow up and act like adults? We know that regardless of the treatment’s title (harassment or not), it can deeply affect you. We also know that unless it does qualify as harassment, there is often very little a company can do about working with unprofessional and mean people.
Before you assume nothing can be done, let’s examine the types of workplace harassment that exist.
Please note that I am not giving you legal advice.
**Discriminatory Harassment:**
Epithets, slurs, jokes, negative stereotyping, or threatening, intimidating, or hostile acts that relate to a person’s race, color, religion, gender, national origin, age, disability, or other protected characteristics are discriminatory harassment. They create an intimidating or offensive environment for the victim and violate their rights to a fair and respectful workplace.
**Personal Harassment:**
If you are being subjected to offensive remarks for reasons not related to race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics, it could be personal harassment. For example, you could be harassed because someone is making fun of your stutter or how you walk. You feel belittled or undermined on either a personal or professional level. This form of harassment can deeply affect an individual’s confidence and mental health. This is classic bullying.
**Online Harassment or Cyberbullying:**
With the rise of technology and social media, online harassment has become increasingly prevalent. Cyberbullies may spread rumors, send threatening messages, or engage in other harmful behavior through digital platforms, creating distress and anxiety for their victims.
**Physical Harassment or Workplace Violence:**
I once heard a story of how an EA was on the receiving end of a stapler being hurled at her and another where the manager stomped on her mobile phone (the rule said no mobile phones at work). Both of these examples qualify as they involve a physical attack, property damage, or threats of harm. In extreme cases, it may escalate to physical assault, posing serious risks to the victim’s safety and well-being.
**Power Harassment:**
If you feel that your job or employment is being threatened by a supervisor, you might feel helpless and vulnerable, like you have no choice but to “take it.” If there is a power imbalance between the target and the harasser (who could be your manager or supervisor), you might be experiencing power harassment. Of course, this is harder to prove unless you have documentation that your job is being threatened, etc.
**Retaliation Harassment:**
Retaliation harassment occurs when individuals target others as a form of revenge or to prevent certain behaviors. This can create a toxic cycle of harassment and retaliation within the workplace, further exacerbating tensions and conflicts. For instance, if you didn’t prioritize a task the way your harasser wanted you to, they retaliate and don’t approve your vacation request on time, etc., or they threaten to call the police about a family member’s behavior.
**Sexual Harassment:**
Sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual advances or behavior, creating a hostile work environment for the victim. Quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs when a superior demands sexual favors in exchange for employment benefits or threatens negative consequences for refusal.
There are situations that happen every day that don’t fall into these categories, and organizations struggle to know what to do. However, if your situation is defined by one of these categories, the problem is much easier to deal with.
Don’t assume your company, Human Resources department, or union won’t help you. If you qualify – they will help you. We need to prevent harassment in all forms so that everyone can work in a safer, more supportive environment.
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not from artificial intelligence.
Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.
She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.
Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.
It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.
Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.
You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.
Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.
Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.
Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.
Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.
Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:
“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”
Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?
However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.
From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;
– You sent an email without speaking to me first
– I was embarrassed and mortified
– You should know I wouldn’t exclude you
– I had a limited number of people for the training
– I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others
– Why did you do all of this?
All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.
“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”
That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.
Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-04-16 07:05:172024-04-16 07:05:17Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity
As a trauma-informed life coach, I help victims of narcissistic abuse to love and value themselves so they never allow toxic relationships into their lives again.
Do you dread going to work? Are you feeling so stressed out that when you’re away from your job, it’s all you can talk about? Are you working round the clock trying to prove yourself but the goalposts keep shifting? Are you tying yourself in knots trying to please your boss while at the same time, you’re terrified of them? Are you spending your work hours on edge, overwhelmed and burned out?
The term narcissist has become a buzzword for anyone who has a moderate dose of toxic traits. The thing is, in a stressful work environment, any one of us could behave badly on occasion. However, our empathy and shame keep us in check. We apologize, make amends and vow to do better.
The narcissistic boss expresses these negative characteristics on a daily basis. They have no shame and they feel no empathy. They feel perfectly justified abusing and exploiting those around them. They are bullies.
Instead of worrying about whether your boss is a narcissist or not, focus on yourself. Identify the coping mechanisms that are keeping you stuck in an abusive situation. The questions you need to ask yourself are NOT, “why is this happening to me?” Or, “is my boss a narcissist?” But, rather:
“Why am I tolerating this?”
“What limiting beliefs are enabling me to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe environment?”
“What inside of me thinks it is okay or normal to stay in an unsafe environment?”
This is where your work lies.
The sad truth is, if you don’t take care of yourself, you are the one that is going to come off second best.
“Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.” — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
As a personality disorder, narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its extreme, a malignant narcissist will maliciously sabotage your career. Hurting people is a game to them. It makes them feel powerful, omnipotent and in control. At the lesser end of the spectrum, you have a lazy, self-absorbed boss. They steal your ideas and swing between praising you and devaluing you.
All narcissists are energy vampires. They create drama to feed off your negative emotions. You find yourself walking on egg-shells and performing acrobatics to please them — to no avail. Narcissists are dismissive, entitled and grandiose. The moment anyone else captures the spotlight, they become jealous, envious and resentful.
Narcissistic bosses see their employees as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. As an employee, your primary role is to affirm your narcissistic boss’s grandiose self image. They are amazing, talented, sexy rock stars and you are one of their groupies. You are lucky to even be in their presence. Working for such a godlike icon is a gift and you better appreciate it.
Your primary role is to mirror to them how wonderful they are. Your job is to admire, praise and generally provide fuel for the narcissist’s inflated ego. There is no room for your creativity, strength, contribution or ideas. If they do not uplift your narcissistic boss’s reputation, they’re dismissed. You are not allowed to shine.
A narcissistic boss does not see you as an equal contributor. They have an inflated sense of their own importance and see themselves as above mere mortals such as you. You are and always will be a subordinate. If your narcissistic boss sees potential in you, they will view it as a direct threat. Instead of mentoring and growing you, they will sabotage you and drive you out of the company. They will heap praise and privileges onto those they can manipulate and use to do their bidding.
At their core, a narcissist is insecure. They will do whatever it takes to protect their false self. The classic narcissistic abuse cycle is: Idealize or love-bomb, devalue and discard. At first, your narcissistic boss idealizes you. You can do no wrong and you feel confident in your role. As time passes, you fail to remain as a fresh source of narcissistic supply. To extract the same levels of narcissistic supply from you, they begin to devalue you. They switch from positive reinforcement to negative reinforcement. Eventually, you are forced to leave, which is the discard.
Signs your boss is toxic or narcissistic
1. Micromanaging and Nitpicking.
Suddenly, your work is not up to scratch. You are criticized, ignored, abused and invalidated. What starts as small criticisms, escalates. You have sleepless nights trying to figure out what you have done or said wrong.
You have done nothing wrong!
Your narcissistic boss is manipulating and devaluing you on purpose. They feed off your negative reactions. It’s a game to them and a way of getting narcissistic supply. The longer you stay in the game, the longer the abuse will continue. It will never stop — it will only escalate and get worse. If for some reason, your boss is playing nice, it’s only because they want or need something from you.
The criticism is not constructive. Rather, it’s intended to confuse and devalue you and your work. Use the grey rock technique.
2. Watching your every move.
Narcissists are paranoid and they are control freaks. Your narcissistic boss insists you fill out timesheets. Every second of your day is monitored. Spyware follows your keystrokes on your computer. Cameras capture your every move. You feel watched and spied on. Flying monkeys aka The Chosen Ones report back to the narcissist.
3. They devalue you by depersonalizing you.
Instead of in-person communication, all communication is via email. Whenever you want to schedule a meeting they fob you off or don’t show up.
4. Withholding.
Narcissistic bosses will abuse you by withholding information. They also withhold praise, raises and promotions. They exclude you from important meetings and emails.
5. Narcissistic bosses give low performance reviews.
Despite your good work and ability to reach or exceed your targets, you repeatedly get passed over for promotion. They refuse your requests for a salary increase without a valid reason. These are clear signs that you are not valued and they don’t care about you. Document all the work you’ve put in so that you can back up your performance review with actual data. There’s a good chance they will falsely accuse you of under-performing. Value yourself and find a new job that values you!
6. Your narcissistic boss takes work away from you and gives you awful briefs.
They are letting you know they don’t value you. They may also be punishing you for some perceived slight.
7. They smear your name.
Out of the blue, your colleagues seem cold and distant. Trust your gut on this one and get to work on your exit strategy. It’s not your fault, you are dealing with a toxic personality. You cannot win against a narcissist. You are a threat to them and they want you gone.
Narcissistic bosses don’t like strong, creative people who are independent and autonomous. They prefer people they can manipulate and use. In a weird way, being the target of a narcissistic boss is a compliment. It’s a sign that you are not someone who can be easily manipulated! It’s a sign that you are strong and that you deserve better.
Narcissistic bosses keep “yes-men and yes-women” around them. They need people who are sycophants and will do their bidding. It’s not about performance or skill set with a narcissist. They promote and value those they can use and manipulate to make themselves look good.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Place your focus on your next project or job. I know I sound like a stuck record, but put your exit strategy in place. Move on — and up.
Tools to help you cope with your toxic boss (while you plan your escape).
Please note, these are short-term strategies. The best thing you can do for yourself is LEAVE. You can’t change a toxic environment. The longer you stay, the more it will damage you. No amount of money or perks are worth your health and your sanity.
1. Depersonalize the narcissist’s behavior.
Don’t take their rudeness personally. They are dysfunctional — not you. The negative atmosphere and the toxic vibes will wear you down. The narcissist will drain your energy. The longer you stay, the more exhausted and depleted you will become. Protect your energy. Don’t allow their toxicity to affect your health and peace of mind. Use mindfulness and breathing techniques. Put a protective bubble around yourself at work. Meditate, pray, call on your guardian angel. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
2. A narcissistic boss believes they are above the law.
Rules don’t apply to them. They will take short cuts, manipulate data and abuse their expense account. They have no qualms using unethical marketing practices to get what they want. If they get caught, they will shift the blame onto you or someone else.
3. Stop being so afraid of them!
Working in a constant state of fear is damaging to your health. Face your deepest fears and imagine them happening. Next, think of the steps you would take if you got fired, for example. You are never as trapped as you think you are. It’s an illusion. Your boss is not your source. God is. You are.
4. Stop expecting them to change.
Let go of the illusion that they will change. No matter how nice you are or how hard you work, a narcissistic boss will alway demand more. It isn’t your responsibility to help them see the error of their ways. Your responsibility is to survive.
When I worked in the advertising industry, I had to get HR involved. I was being targeted by an abusive boss. They were hauled over the coals and had to do mandatory training on how to manage a team.
For a while, things seemed to settle down. But once their training was over, the abuse escalated and became more covert. I chose to leave and found a new job. I realized the situation would never change.
5. Learn to stop caring so much.
Stop over-functioning and over-performing. A toxic boss does not deserve your best efforts. Save your energy and focus on your exit strategy. Give your overtime to your new employer who will value and appreciate the work you put in. See your current job as a stepping stone. Thank it for its lessons and ability to keep your bills covered. Keep moving forward — don’t get stuck there!
6. Narcissist bosses set you up for a failure.
They enjoy seeing you struggle and want you to feel incompetent. If you are being micromanaged, take care not to miss any of your deadlines. Do your work to the best of your ability. Keep your boss informed on how your projects are going. This is a good way for you to manage their micromanagement.
The hard truth is that your narcissistic boss does not care about your well-being at work. They don’t care about the negative impact their behavior has on you, the team or the company. They have no empathy. They only care about what makes them look good.
7. Narcissists are pathological liars.
They will bend the truth to serve their narrative without batting an eyelid. Don’t sink to their level, especially if your narcissistic boss is passive aggressive. It can be tempting to confront them. But you are not dealing with a mature adult! Trying to reason with them will not work. They know exactly what they are doing and they are doing it on purpose.
Studies have shown that things become worse for those who try to out a toxic boss. Rather focus on yourself, your mental health and your exit strategy. Keep your responses short and factual. Practice the grey rock technique and never react to their negativity. Rise above their provocations. Narcissists hate it when they can’t trigger you into a reaction. When they see they can’t get to you, they will move onto someone else.
8. Your colleagues are not your friends.
This is a hard one to swallow. In a work environment, these are situational relationships. NEVER complain to your coworkers about your boss. It’s natural to want to reach out for support, but nine times out of ten your complaints will get back to your boss. People talk and people gossip and at the end of the day, your coworkers will choose their paycheck over you. It’s a matter of survival. If you want to talk to someone, make sure it’s someone outside of work.
9. Narcissists have zero empathy and will overwork and underpay you.
If you are not one of your boss’s chosen few, you will be exploited. You may find yourself working overtime with no extra pay. You may be expected to run personal errands for your boss. Or, use your own resources, such as your vehicle, gas and airtime, without proper compensation.
10. Don’t expect praise for a job well done.
Narcissists do not like attention or admiration flowing anywhere except in their direction. They will only praise you if it makes them look good. Working harder to get their approval is a waste of time and energy. They will ignore your efforts and take secret pleasure in your pain.
Watch out if your performance threatens your narcissistic boss in any way. They will knock you down so that they can stay in the spotlight. To add insult to injury, they will steal all the credit for your hard work.
11. F.L.A.P.
Unfortunately, in the eyes of top management, your boss is always right. You are the one that will have to leave. Keep it professional — even if they are not being professional towards you. While you are looking for a new job, do your work and keep your side of the fence tidy. FLAP — Finish Like A Pro.
My Boss is a Narcissist, Now What?
If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, the best advice I can give you is GET OUT. Put an exit strategy in place (stuck record, I know) and keep your cool as you look for a new job. Put healthy boundaries in place and know that you deserve better.
Narcissistic bosses control you by making you scared of them. They use your fear against you. The more fear you have, the more powerful they feel. It’s important to release this fear. Fear causes anxiety which floods your body with cortisol and stress hormones. This puts a huge strain on your health. It’s not worth killing yourself over a job.
A narcissistic boss sets you back in your career. A toxic work environment filters into every area of your life. Like a cancer, it slowly kills you from the inside out. It can take years to recover from a toxic work environment. A toxic boss or manager can wear you down to the point where your health suffers.
The longer you stay, the more you are damaged by the toxicity. A narcissistic boss will chip away at your self-esteem. The constant stress and anxiety will eventually lead to depression. Life will begin to feel more and more unbearable.
Radically accept that this is who they are.
This is their character and personality. It will never change. There’s no point trying to give constructive feedback. Even HR can’t really help you. Your narcissistic boss will remain toxic.
Remember, you always have three choices in life:
1. Accept the situation
2. Change the situation
3. Leave the situation.
Once you realize you need to let go and move on, focus on taking care of yourself. Lean on your friends and family. Get excited about the new future you are creating for yourself. Never look back.
I hope you found this article helpful. If you suspect you have been narcissistically abused, I offer trauma-informed coaching sessions. Check out my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program or contact me to see if we are a fit. For deep soul-level healing, book and Akashic Records Reading. I offer a psycho-spiritual approach to healing. I believe mixing the logic of science with the alchemy of spirituality is the key to success! Download my free white Light Healing Meditation here.
References and Further Reading
When the Body says No, the Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté
Fuel by H.G. Tudor
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter A. Levine
Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home. At Work. With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi
Energy Vampires by Dr. C Northrup
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No matter what you do, you won’t always please your boss. Miscommunication, mistakes, and bad days are simply a part of the workplace experience.
But if your manager constantly seems upset without voicing their concerns, you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive boss. It can be hard to know for sure since they likely won’t approach criticism or feedback straightforwardly. Learning to recognize the tell-tale signs will help you combat this leadership fault.
Creating an environment of unhealthy competition that makes teamwork challenging
Passive-aggressive bosses often feel the need to please others to avoid conflict. But this means when they’re frustrated with an employee’s performance or their own workload, for example, they take it out in other ways, like confusing feedback or removing tasks without explaining why.
A manager’s leadership style affects the entire workplace. If your boss shows passive-aggressive tendencies, their attitude, and reluctance to effectively communicate can negatively impact employee morale, leading to feelings of insecurity, doubt, and resentment — all symptoms of a toxic work environment.
Childhood factors: Your manager may have grown up in a family that taught them to suppress negative emotions. Instead of learning a healthy communication style, they use sarcasm to vent feelings like anger, frustration, and fear. This could also lead them to dodge people and situations that generate these sentiments altogether.
Workplace factors: A work environment that frowns on expressing emotion could result in someone with poor communication skills resorting to passive-aggressiveness to voice their displeasure. And feeling burned outor stressed can also cause this behavior.
Insecurities: If your boss feels unsure of their position or abilities, they could attempt to transfer their shortcomings and frustrations onto employees.
None of these causes have anything to do with you personally or how you perform professionally. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of your boss’s shortcomings. Instead, you can learn how to shield yourself without guilt.
6 strategies for managing a passive-aggressive boss
While you’re not responsible for helping your boss, you can learn to deal with their behavior so you enjoy a more peaceful and positive work environment. Here are six strategies for dealing with someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies.
1. Identify their go-to behaviors
Knowing how your boss reacts to certain situations can help you prepare. Keep your eyes open for triggers and outcomes. For example, if your manager is hyper-controlling, issues vague instructions, or unnecessarily criticizes your team when dealing with a last-minute project, you can mitigate or avoid situations that cause this behavior.
2. Take the high road
If your boss is rude or cryptic, remember that this behavior stems from something outside of you, like their upbringing or stress, and take the high road by remaining calm and positive. While this means you’ll have a better day, there’s also a chance your serenity and positivity might rub off on them.
3. Over-communicate as necessary
If you have questions, ask them face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. An in-person meeting or video call will let you ask follow-up questions and clarify expectations immediately without waiting for an email response. And when providing feedback to your manager, keep it constructive and impersonal to avoid feeding any of their insecurities.
4. Put everything in writing
Any time you have a meeting with your boss, take notes. Afterward, ask them to confirm you’ve understood instructions, expectations, and deadlines correctly. That way, you have proof if they go back on what they said to make you look incompetent or inferior.
Also request any clarification or notification of changes to a project’s scope or deliverables in writing, explaining that alignment is important and you want to ensure accuracy before moving forward.
5. Create a paper trail
Keep a record of your communications by printing out emails and DMs, saving them to a removable hard drive, or forwarding them to your personal email, so that you have proof if you ever need to take this issue to your human resources department.
6. Share your concerns
If you think they might respond well, request a one-on-one to discuss how their behavior impacts your working relationship and mental health. Be as helpful and constructive as possible, noting positive leadership habits and providing a possible solution to the problem.
Common passive-aggressive comments
Interactions with a passive-aggressive manager can leave you scratching your head. They often use wordplay that makes you question whether you’ve just been insulted, and asking them for clarity doesn’t usually help — they will likely claim you misunderstood or are being too sensitive.
This confusing behavior usually takes one of three forms: backhanded compliments, two-faced commentary, or dodging the question. Familiarizing yourself with some examples of passive-aggressive comments is a great first step to developing effective tactics to manage your interactions successfully.
Backhanded compliments
A tell-tale sign of a passive-aggressive personality is using so-called “compliments” to disguise hostility behind false praise. These are particularly insidious because, to a casual viewer, there’s nothing outwardly objectionable. Here are a few examples:
“New shoes and a new bag. Nice to see that promotion is paying off.”
“Check out how clean the copy is. Who knew an intern could produce such great work.”
“Congratulations on being the sales leader this month — you’re finally pulling your weight.”
“It must be lovely working for your best friend’s mom.”
Two-faced comments
Another typical passive-aggressive tactic is public sabotage. When you solicit a review of your work, your manager might claim everything is fine and agreeable. But in front of others, it’s a different story as your boss takes you by surprise, identifying multiple issues.
These errors are often due to a lack of feedback or denial of the information or resources you need to complete the task correctly. Here are a couple of examples:
“Our latest social media marketing campaign underperformed because someone spent more time ordering coffee than focusing on promotion.”
“I don’t understand the errors in this report. I told Justin to fix them, but I guess he didn’t think it was important.”
Dodging questions
Some passive-aggressive bosses specialize in silent treatment. This tactic serves two purposes: it lets them avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation while keeping you unbalanced. Here are a couple of examples:
“You’ll have to ask someone else about that.”
“I don’t see how that question is relevant so I’m going to move on.”
Additional tips for managing passive-aggressive leadership
Working with a passive-aggressive manager requires finding a way to engage productively while maintaining a respectful distance to avoid negativity. It’s a juggling act, but these tips for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior will make it easier:
Address it: Being professional doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. If you feel compelled, question your manager’s comments and behavior. You might ask, “Is there a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder?” or “I don’t understand your joke. Could you please clarify what you meant?”
Limit interactions: Evaluate where and when you need direct contact with your boss and try to only interact with them during these times.
Put your active listening skills to work: If you want your boss to be receptive to feedback, making eye contact, smiling, and using welcoming body language — all key elements of active listening — might put them at ease.
Report abuse: If you feel your manager’s bullying you, report this behavior to a human resources professional, bringing any documentation you have on the subject.
Remember: it’s not about you
Working with a passive-aggressive boss is like walking a never-ending tightrope. You’re in a constant state of vigilance and it’s exhausting. But remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.
That said, you also can’t force them to change. What you can do is control how you react to the situation. If you think you can put space between yourself and their actions, you should be able to retain your well-being.
But you deserve to feel valued, safe, and comfortable at work, and if that’s not possible here, consider looking elsewhere.
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Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world.
If your boss is a micromanager—the kind who wants to maintain as much control over you as they can—you know how frustrating and irritating it is. It’s possible, though, to take back some control—and these phrases can help you make that happen. Use them to start an effective dialogue that can result in more autonomy and less micromanagement:
I’m going to do everything in my power to make you look good. If you tell your boss you want to make them look good, there is no reason for them to hound you. Accustomed to resistance, most micromanagers will be glad to hear something positive.
Your success is important to me. Feed the ego of your micromanager and let them know their success matters to you. Their controlling tendencies are likely to ease if they believe your mind is on them—as they want it to be.
Tell me how you like the work to be done. You may be able to circumvent a hovering micromanager by getting all the information up front. It will help you do the job you are supposed to do while also meeting their expectations.
I will do an excellent job for you. When you reassure a micromanager about the quality of your work and show them that excellence is important to you, you may be able to put their perfectionist mind at peace.
I know you want to help me succeed. Disarming a micromanager is important, and labeling their negative action into something positive may have them agreeing with you. Thank them and let them know you appreciate their investment. The recognition will make them feel good about themselves and it may help them give you some peace.
I value your guidance. This is another way of disarming the micromanager with a positive twist. If you acknowledge their counsel, you may be able to persuade them that you will come to them when you need them.
You sometimes know things about the situation that I don’t. This phrase feeds the micromanager’s ego and lets them know that you acknowledge their higher position and that you’ll check in when you need to know more.
All the hovering, adjustments and changes are affecting my productivity. If nothing else is getting through, tell the truth and be straightforward. Leaders are measured by how much their team achieves. They know that productivity issues reflect poorly on them.
I am going to show you how I do it on my own. Give the micromanager a rest by walking them through your own processes, showing them your competence and care.
I am always open to your feedback. Holding yourself open for your micromanager to teach, guide, and mentor can help keep your work relationship on the plane where it belongs.
A leader who’s constantly looking over their employees’ shoulders can inspire a lot of second-guessing and paranoia, and ultimately ends up running away their most talented people. To stop the micromanager—or at least get them out of your hair—try each of these approaches in turn until the situation is under control.
Lead From Within: Most people don’t take well to being micromanaged because it leads to a loss of control and autonomy. But there are steps you can take before you decide to leave.
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Building Resiliency Through Stress and Mental Health Strategies.
For over 20 years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with teams who want to control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges and live full and flourishing lives. Beverly works with teams and leaders to shift from stressed out to resilient, enabling them to be more engaged, productive and healthy.
Toxic Person
As a leader in the workplace, it is essential to cultivate a positive and productive environment for your team. However, sometimes leaders may unknowingly exhibit toxic behaviours that negatively impact the work culture and employee morale. Recent studies shed light on the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace. In this article, we will explore these signs and provide actionable steps for leaders to address and rectify their behaviour.
Constant Criticism and Negativity
Are you frequently criticizing and finding faults in your team members? A toxic leader tends to focus on the negative aspects rather than acknowledging their employees’ efforts. This behaviour can demoralize the team and hinder their motivation to excel.
What to do: Practice constructive feedback by highlighting areas for improvement while also acknowledging their achievements. Adopt a positive approach to motivate your team and create a supportive work atmosphere.
Micromanagement and Lack of Trust
Do you struggle to delegate tasks and find yourself micromanaging your team? A lack of trust in your team members can be a sign of toxic leadership. Micromanagement stifles creativity and hampers employee autonomy.
What to do: Empower your team by delegating tasks and trusting them to deliver results. Offer guidance and support when needed, but allow your employees the space to showcase their skills and expertise.
Favouritism and Unfair Treatment
Playing favourites among your team members is a clear indication of toxic behaviour. Showing preferential treatment can lead to resentment and division among your employees.
What to do: Treat all team members fairly and equally. Recognize and reward achievements based on merit, and foster a culture of inclusivity and collaboration.
Lack of Accountability
As a leader, taking responsibility for your actions and decisions is crucial. Avoiding accountability and blaming others for failures can create a toxic work environment.
What to do: Acknowledge your mistakes and be transparent with your team. Encourage open communication and show a willingness to learn from your errors.
Ineffective Communication
Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and frustration among team members. A toxic leader may fail to listen actively or they may dismiss others’ viewpoints. According to a survey by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), 58% of employees stated that their managers could improve their communication skills, which is crucial in avoiding toxic behaviour.
What to do: Improve your communication skills by actively listening to your team and fostering open dialogue. Be approachable and encourage feedback from your employees.
Undermining Team Members
Are you dismissive of your team’s ideas or contributions? A toxic leader may undermine their team members’ efforts, leading to a lack of confidence and enthusiasm.
What to do: Encourage creativity and innovation within your team. Show appreciation for their ideas and encourage them to take initiative.
Neglecting Employee Well-Being
A toxic leader may prioritize results over employee well-being, leading to burnout and decreased job satisfaction.
What to do: Prioritize work-life balance and support your team’s mental and physical well-being. Show empathy and offer resources to help them manage stress.
Lack of Empathy
The inability to understand or empathize with your team’s challenges can create a toxic work environment. A lack of empathy can lead to feelings of isolation and disengagement among your employees. A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology revealed that employees who perceived their leaders as less empathetic were more likely to experience feelings of burnout and disengagement.
What to do: Practice empathy by putting yourself in your team’s shoes. Show genuine concern for their well-being and be supportive during challenging times.
Resistance to Change and New Ideas
A toxic leader may be resistant to change and new approaches, stifling innovation and growth within the organization.
What to do: Embrace change as an opportunity for growth and encourage your team to explore new ideas. Foster a culture of continuous improvement and learning.
Lack of Recognition and Appreciation
Neglecting to recognize and appreciate your team’s hard work can lead to feelings of undervaluation and disengagement. A Harvard Business Review survey reported that 60% of employees stated that they would be more motivated if they received more recognition and appreciation from their managers. Recognizing and appreciating employees’ efforts can significantly impact their engagement and productivity.
What to do: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate your team’s contributions. Celebrate achievements and milestones to boost team morale.
Being aware of the signs that indicate you might be the toxic person in your workplace is the first step towards creating a positive work environment. By taking responsibility for your behaviour and implementing the suggested actions, you can transform your leadership style and foster a thriving and supportive workplace culture. Remember, as a leader, your actions set the tone for the entire organization, so strive to be the best version of yourself and inspire your team to reach new heights.
Contact Beverly about hosting a workshop for your teams on how to deal with difficult people at work. Learn strategies to create a more positive attitude in the workplace and encourage an engaging, safe working environment!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/10-Signs-That-You-Are-The-Toxic-Person-In-Your-Workplace-and-What-To-Do-About-It-640x360-1.jpg360640Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2024-03-18 07:08:022024-03-18 07:08:0210 Signs That You Are the Toxic Person in Your Workplace (and What to Do About It)
When someone’s behavior makes it difficult for you to do your job, carry out your everyday duties, or maintain a healthy relationship with them, they can be defined as “difficult.” Ranging from the words they say to their inability to work effectively with others, difficult people can drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally.
While a better understanding of the root of their behavior doesn’t erase your frustration, it can help you with techniques to deal with difficult people. We look at common reasons for difficult behavior, how you can remain calm and composed in the midst of a challenging situation, and how you can deal with conflicts in the workplace and with family.
Understanding Difficult Behavior
When a person makes life more stressful for you, it can be challenging to have empathy for them, or try to understand their point of view. But knowing the background story can give you effective tools for coping.
Reasons for Difficult Behavior
A person can become irritable, aggressive, intolerant, and noncommunicative for a number of both internal and external reasons, including:
Excessive stress. Whether it’s from work or family obligations, stress can cause people to exhibit difficult behaviors. They may become anxious and hard to deal with, moody, short-tempered, or critical. 1
Personality issues. People with strong personalities tend to butt heads. That can be even more apparent when the two people disagree, and each wants their own way.
Triggering events. People who experienced verbal abuse or trauma may immediately lash out if they think that type of behavior is being directed toward them. Triggers can also cause childhood trauma to resurface.
Unresolved conflicts. A tense issue that hasn’t been dealt with is the constant elephant in the room. And the tension can bring irritability and frustration with it.
Communication issues. Misunderstandings, and the inability or lack of effort to communicate clearly, lead to difficult behavior, especially if someone feels slighted.
Personal issues. Relationship problems, financial problems, sickness, mental health issues, and any number of personal concerns can seep into behavior at work and with others.
“Because of the stigma associated with mental illness, many didn’t want me to disclose my diagnosis because they feared what would happen to my career or how people would perceive them as someone closely related to me. During this and previous times that I had conflicted with my close family and friends, I noticed a pattern and was also triggered by them,” she explains.
When you know what causes a person to become difficult and on edge, you can figure out what steps you need to take to deal with their behavior.
If someone is yelling at you, being rude, or even threatening, it’s hard to remain calm. But staying level-headed can be the key to keeping a difficult situation from escalating.
“First and foremost, it is typically not prudent to engage in any type of challenge or restorative conversation when emotions are high,” explains Joseph Galasso, PsyD, Chief Executive Officer and Clinical Psychologist at Baker Street Behavioral Health. “If you are trying to help someone stay calm, model calmness, make sure your voice is steady, and you are clear in what you want to communicate. Be assertive and ask for exactly what you want.”
You can also take steps to regulate your own behavior by taking deep, calming breaths, practicing focused mindfulness, or even taking a break from the situation by removing yourself and coming back to the conversation later. Being aware of your own triggers and coping mechanisms, and harnessing your ability to stay calm, can be the key to a more successful outcome.
“Self-awareness and self-regulation are critical skills for managing problematic behavior. You can stay calm and composed in challenging situations by recognizing your triggers and learning to regulate your emotions,” Bowman notes.
Communicating in an understanding, compassionate way also helps.
“The way you communicate with [difficulty] is imperative as well. To avoid conflict and avoid potentially losing a relationship, I try to understand their emotions and perspectives, which is, again, demonstrating empathy. Also, use the ‘I’ statement. Using the ‘I’ statement avoids accusing or blaming a person but expresses how their feelings affect you,” states Bowman.
When you are face-to-face with someone who is being difficult, your first instinct may be to respond in anger or frustration. However, research shows that practicing empathy can help foster a sense of connection.2 Although it takes work, when you actively listen to someone and try to understand what they are going through, it can help to de-escalate the situation.
Using the ‘I’ statement avoids accusing or blaming a person but expresses how their feelings affect you.
At the same time, offering a listening ear doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be mistreated. You can also effectively communicate by being assertive and letting the other person know what type of behavior you expect. Helping them to understand what you will and will not tolerate in the workplace, in the family dynamic, or in a relationship can create the boundaries that you need.
“Be clear about your boundaries and communicate them assertively. Don’t let problematic behavior cross your boundaries,” Bowman says.
Another communication strategy is incorporating laughter into the situation when appropriate.
“Using humor is great if it comes naturally to you. Same with reframing; both of which I categorize as distractions. If you can get someone else thinking of something else and that helps them calm down physiologically, that is great,” notes Dr. Galasso.
Dealing With Difficult People in Specific Situations
The strategy you use to deal with an uncooperative coworker can be different than how you’d handle a rude, critical family member. And both of those methods can change when you’re dealing with a difficult friend.
With workplace challenges, understanding why a person is being difficult can help with the approach to handling them. A whopping 83% of people say they suffer from work-related stress.3 Do they feel like their job is threatened by you or another coworker? Do they have a long commute or stressful meetings once they arrive at work? No matter the root cause for the behavior, experts say the key thing is not to take it personally.
“When dealing with difficult behavior, remember that their behavior says a lot about their character, not yours. Don’t engage. When possible, I find the 1:3 rule applies to engaging. If you have to engage the person, do it only one out of three times [that] they are provocative,” advises Dr. Galasso. “Let your manager know that you are constantly being challenged by your co-worker’s difficult behaviors and ask them to intervene.”
When possible, I find the 1:3 rule applies to engaging. If you have to engage the person, do it only one out of three times [that] they are provocative.
Family conflicts present a different dynamic. These are people who are often with you day in and day out. Because these are more intimate relationships, where difficult behaviors and disagreements may have been brewing for years, setting boundaries often provides the best solution. “Be assertive and set clear expectations about what a respectful relationship looks like. Be selective with the information you share; trust is earned,” notes Dr. Galasso.
Putting firm boundaries in place is also a good way to handle difficult relationships with friends and in social settings. Make your limits clear and communicate what behavior you will and will not tolerate. Be willing to leave a gathering if necessary to preserve your peace of mind.
Ultimately, dealing with someone who is difficult can be an unpleasant, stress-inducing experience. But being equipped with the tools to deal with the situation can help you find an effective resolution.
“Dealing with difficult people can be challenging, but by protecting your mental health and practicing effective communication and self-care strategies, you can navigate challenging situations with resilience and grace. Remember to prioritize your well-being, set boundaries, seek support, and stay centered, and you’ll be better equipped to handle difficult behavior healthily and productively,” Bowman concludes.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-19 07:25:032023-12-19 07:25:03How to Deal With Difficult People in the Workplace, in Families, and in Friendships
Agrumpy boss, whiny colleague or a petulant customer: all recognisable characters from the everyday drama of work. Modern workplaces can be fraught, so it’s perhaps not surprising that it doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Thankfully fistfights at work are rare. However, we’ve probably all experienced a time when the destructive behaviour of a colleague or boss has left us reeling.
So if there is someone behaving badly in your workplace, here are some tips to help.
Remember that we’re all human
It’s important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So patience and some time may be all that is needed for the individual to get themselves through a sticky patch. Rather than a knee-jerk response to their bad behaviour, instead ask them how they are as you want to make sure they are OK. This is incredibly disarming – and as they see that your aim is to be supportive and not a threat, they may well decide to see you as an ally rather than an adversary.
Be upfront with others
Some people are not very self-aware so maybe you just need to tell them constructively what the problem is or what you need from them. For instance, if a colleague is making barbed comments in your direction, then take them to one side, and ask them why. They’ll either be apologetic as they genuinely didn’t realise it was a problem, or they’ll make some excuse or even try to counter-accuse. Either way, they’ll know it will be risky for them to attempt this again without you hauling them up on it and perhaps escalating it further.
Manage your expectations
It might be a customer making unreasonable demands, your colleague expecting emails to be answered at midnight or your boss continually dumping urgent work on your desk just as you are heading for the exit. Choose a quiet moment when you can talk to them about their expectations and agree on how you can best work together, including what you can and can’t do, realistic timeframes and, if needed, a system for dealing with urgent issues. Having this conversation ahead of time enables a far more rational discussion about what’s needed, rather than one in the heat of a last minute panic.
Be tolerant of different approaches
Every team needs a mix of different personalities and approaches – the pessimist who will point out the flaw in the plan, the ideas person who challenges the status quo, the “do-er” who is impatient with discussion and wants to get things happening. So maybe your nemesis at work is simply someone whose approach is different from yours. Your styles may clash but that doesn’t mean to say they are dysfunctional – in fact it might be just what the team needs.
Observe them closely. How does their approach compare with yours? Are they a detailed person, glass half full or empty, task orientated or relationship focused? Then adjust your style when you communicate with them. For example, if they tend to be a nitpicking pessimist, then they may be more receptive to your ideas if you focus on which might be the least worst of possible scenarios and supply lots of detail. Read up on neuro-linguistic programming to find out how to build rapport and influence the thinking of individuals with very different thinking styles.
Handle aggression assertively
If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it’s OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.
Be mindful of psychological health issues
When an individual continually behaves in a way that is problematic or destructive, then the roots often lie deeper than whatever is happening at work. People are complex and it’s worth remembering that according to Mind statistics, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. So where their behaviour seems emotionally charged or oddly disproportionate to the issue at hand, it may be that there are more deep-seated psychological issues at play.
Sometimes just keeping your cool, using logic and rational argument will be sufficient to de-escalate a situation. However, someone needs to have an honest and supportive conversation with them about what is happening. This may be you or you may need to bring it to the attention of someone else in the organisation to deal with. Organisations on the whole are becoming more aware of their responsibilities to support individuals with mental health issues.
Seek alternative methods as a last resort
Where you’ve tried everything you can to improve a difficult relationship at work but the individual still seems hell bent on making you miserable, then it’s time to look at your options. You could try and ride it out, forge some allies, avoid them where you can and become adept at “covering your back”. You could consider raising a grievance or formal complaint about their behaviour but these rarely end in dismissal so you may still find yourself working with them – and yes, they going to be very angry with you.
The sad reality is that sometimes you come across individuals at work who are psychopathic in their behaviour. Utterly ruthless, these individuals are incredibly resilient, fearless and not constrained by ethics or a moral code. Beware if they have you in their sights, because they are smart, manipulative, very plausible and have no compunction about causing damage.
By the time you’ve wised up to their true behaviour they may already have engineered to get rid of you or beaten you into submission. Will you win against them – unlikely! At least not unless you are prepared to play a similar no holds barred game. It might just be better to run and don’t look back.
These are my tips but have you found any others that worked for you? Drop us a line in the comments below to share your thoughts.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-11 10:00:532023-12-11 10:00:53How to deal with difficult people at work
One of my favorite questions to ask people who are dealing with a difficult colleague is: What would you do about this situation if you could do anything you wanted?
In researching and writing my book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), I had the opportunity to ask this question of dozens of people, and the answers usually ranged from practical to entertaining to a bit scary (there are lots of people who want to punch an annoying colleague in the face!). Many fantasize about quitting dramatically. Others just want to tell their coworker exactly how they feel without mincing words.
I ask this question because I want people to think expansively about how they might respond, and often, without constraints, they land on a strategy that might actually work (not punching someone in the face!).
But there are quite a few tactics that are less productive that we sometimes gravitate toward because we think they’ll help us feel better, when in actuality, they often backfire. They may alleviate our pain in the short term but are ultimately bad for us, the other person, and our organization. Avoiding these common tactics will prevent you from making things worse.
Suppressing your emotions
When you’re at your wit’s end with a challenging colleague and it feels like you’ve tried everything, well-meaning friends and coworkers may tell you to “just ignore it” or to “suck it up” and move on with your life. This can be good advice if you’re truly able to let it go. But often we decide we’re going to do nothing but actually end up doing a whole lot of things, whether it’s stewing about the situation, talking incessantly about it to our partner, or becoming passive-aggressive. Suppressing our emotions rarely helps.
In fact, psychologist Susan David writes that “suppressing your emotions — deciding not to say something when you’re upset — can lead to bad results.” She explains that if you don’t express your feelings, they’re likely to show up in unexpected places.
Psychologists call this emotional leakage. David explains:
Have you ever yelled at your spouse or child after a frustrating day at work — a frustration that had nothing to do with [them]?…When you bottle up your feelings, you’re likely to express your emotions in unintended ways instead, either sarcastically or in a completely different context. Suppressing your emotions is associated with poor memory, difficulties in relationships, and physiological costs (such as cardiovascular health problems).
In other words, sucking it up doesn’t usually decrease your stress level. It raises it.
The risk that you’ll take your negative feelings out on innocent bystanders isn’t the only reason to avoid this tactic. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, points out that, while the intention behind pretending you’re not upset with a difficult colleague may be good — perhaps you want to preserve the relationship — they’re likely to sense your irritation anyway. “Because of emotional contagion, they might not be conscious that you harbor negativity toward them, but it will still have an effect on them. Your passive-aggressiveness is going to come through, even in remote work environments,” she told me in an interview for my book. Research has shown that it’s not just you who suffers the physical impact of suppression either. If you hide anger or frustration, the blood pressure of those around you is likely to rise as well. They may not know exactly what you’re feeling and thinking, but they register underlying tension just the same.
Retaliating
Another tempting response to mistreatment is to fight fire with fire. If your passive-aggressive teammate says one thing in a meeting and does something completely different afterward, why not do the same to them? Or if your pessimistic colleague is going to poke a zillion holes in your ideas, why shouldn’t you take them down when they suggest something new? Unfortunately, stooping to their level doesn’t generally work. You intensify the feeling of being on opposing sides rather than giving the dynamic a chance to change. And retaliation often makes you look bad. Or worse, it violates your values.
To avoid giving into the (understandable) desire for revenge, commit to behaving in line with your values. Sometimes it’s helpful to write them down. What is it that you care about? What matters most to you? If you’re not sure, consider looking at a set of universal values and see which resonate with you, listing them in order of importance. Then, when you’re coming up with a plan for how you want to respond to your insecure boss or biased coworker, refer to the list and make sure that the tactics you land on align with your values.
Shaming
When I’m dealing with someone who pushes my buttons, I often fantasize about sending an email to everyone who knows them, outing them as a jerk. My (flawed) logic is that if the person who has wronged me is humiliated enough, they will be forced to change their ways.
Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule, summed it up this way: “Calling people an asshole is one of the most reliable ways to turn someone into an asshole — or make them hate you.” That’s because feelings of shame rarely inspire us to behave better; more often, they make us lash out further.
I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.
Making your colleague feel as if they’re a bad person, labeling them as a jerk or as someone who plays the victim, is unlikely to improve your relationship.
Similarly, dehumanizing a difficult coworker doesn’t help. It’s easy to demonize the person who causes us harm, but hating them only pits you against one another. Instead, make sure that every step of the way, you remind yourself that you’re dealing with a fellow human, not a robot or an arch villain.
Hoping your colleague will leave
Many of us bank on outlasting our difficult colleagues and focus on making the situation workable until they get fired or move on to another job. But be careful of putting all of your eggs in the “eventually they’ll be gone” basket. Sutton warns that sometimes “removing the bad apples” does little to change the underlying issue, especially if your colleague’s obnoxious behavior is validated by the organizational culture. Often other things need to change to prevent incivility, he says — things like the “incentive system, who’s promoted and rewarded, how meetings are run, and the pressure people are under to perform.”
A few years ago, the head of HR for a health insurance company asked me to train their staff on how to have difficult conversations. She explained that they had a very hierarchical culture and were having trouble getting people to speak up, especially with ideas that challenged the status quo. Nine years earlier, they’d done a survey that showed employees felt it was a very “command and control” environment. Determined to evolve, executives led several culture change initiatives and hired new leaders who were known for having a more collaborative and less autocratic style. Those leaders also replaced people on their teams so that within that nine-year period, almost 80% of the employee population had turned over, including most of the leadership team. But when they conducted the culture survey again, they got almost exactly the same results. The exasperated HR executive told me, “It’s like it’s in the water here.”
Sometimes it’s not individual people who are the problem but the systems that allow, and in some cases encourage, hostility over cooperation. And systems are hard to change. Your dream that your difficult coworker will walk out the door may come true, but there’s no guarantee that the culture will shift or that you’ll get along with their replacement. Ultimately you’re better off trying to create a workable situation with your colleague now than hoping things will improve if they leave.
Will you always be able to avoid these flawed responses? No. Nobody’s perfect, and these unproductive approaches are seductive. But if you get a flat tire, you don’t fix the problem by slashing the other three tires. When you strike out with the first tactic (or several tactics) you choose, try something else — or reach out for help. Maybe your boss, a friend, or a mutual colleague can offer a novel solution. The point is to keep at it; remember: even small improvements can make a big difference.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-12-05 14:35:462023-12-05 14:35:464 Tactics that Backfire When Dealing with a Difficult Colleague
In every workplace, there are people — many of whom have earned respect and positions of power — who behave in ways that are thoughtless, ambiguous, irrational, and even sometimes downright malicious.
It can be challenging to know exactly how to work with people who act like this. Odds are, no one has sat you down and said, “Here’s how you push back on an aggressive know-it-all,” or “Try this approach for dealing with an incessant naysayer.” You likely never took a class on handling a colleague who plays dirty office politics or had a mentor share advice on what to do if you find yourself working for an incompetent boss.
However, when we don’t address these small conflicts with our coworkers, the stress can affect our productivity, make work miserable, and even bleed into other aspects of our lives. That’s why it’s important to learn why challenging colleagues behave the way they do, master tactics for dealing with their most difficult traits, and ultimately decide when to persist in our efforts or to walk away.
Building a relationship with a difficult colleague may seem hard, but it’s a skill you can learn. Here are three common archetypes of difficult coworkers, the behaviors they often exhibit, and how you can manage your relationship with them.
The Pessimist
What it looks like:
The more Simran allowed her colleague Theresa to vent her concerns about the company and her life, the more time Theresa spent complaining to her. Theresa couldn’t seem to find anything positive to say — ever — and even seemed to enjoy coming up with all the different ways a project or initiative could fail. For Simran, Theresa’s griping was becoming a physical and psychological drain.
Why it happens:
There are a lot of reasons why pessimists think and behave the way they do. A pessimist could be motivated by anxiety, a desire for power, or resentment for how they’ve been treated in the past. Still, some might have legitimate reasons for being negative. For example, during the launch of a new product, they may articulate risks related to getting customers to buy into the new idea, or point out workplace issues that most people are refusing to acknowledge or notice.
Regardless of why a pessimist acts the way they do, it’s important to find ways to work productively with this person. After all, negative attitudes can be contagious, infecting not just you but the whole team.
Tactics to try:
Acknowledge their complaints; then reframe them. For instance, if the pessimist grumbles that another team member is lazy, say something like, “It’s a busy time for everyone. I bet they’re doing more than we can see.” Don’t be patronizing, or mean, but present an alternative view. You can also ask your colleague to be constructive. For example, you could say, “I can see why you’re frustrated. Do you think there’s anything we can do?” Or “What could we try next time?” The goal is to increase the cynic’s sense of agency by pointing out actions they can take, or even telling a story of a time when you encountered similar circumstances and responded productively.
Use their outlook as a positive tool. If your colleague is a natural at pointing out risks, perhaps that can be part of their formal role. You’ve undoubtedly heard the advice to appoint a “devil’s advocate” who is tasked with raising difficult questions and challenging a group’s thinking. Research shows that giving at least one person the right to push back in this way leads to better decision making for the team as a whole. If you’re their manager, you can ask them to play this role. If you’re not, consider seeking out your colleague’s perspective when you need a more critical eye on a project you’re working on or a decision you’re making.
Agree to team norms. Although singling people out is sometimes counterproductive, you can set norms for the whole team that will nudge a killjoy in the right direction. For example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?” You might also agree that criticism should be accompanied by a suggestion of what to do instead.
Some phrases to use with a pessimist:
“What would need to be true for us to succeed?”
“If you’re unhappy with (person, leader, project), let’s discuss what steps you can take to change the situation. I have some ideas but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.”
“There’s a part of me that agrees with you that this might not work. And another part of me thinks it will. Let’s tease out both perspectives.”
“You’re good at identifying the downsides. What might we be missing here?”
The Passive-Aggressive Peer
What it looks like:
Malik was at his wit’s end with his coworker, Susan, who would act like she was on board with a decision in a meeting, but then drop the ball and deflect the blame toward him. Susan would often say one thing but do another, display negative body language but insist everything was “fine,” and make insults that sounded like compliments.
Why it happens:
Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who studies interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive aggression as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings. Often, it’s driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a feeling of powerlessness.
Tactics to try:
Avoid labeling them as passive-aggressive. It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying, “stop being so passive aggressive,” will only make things worse. It’s a loaded phrase, and it’s rare that someone would be willing to acknowledge or own up to such behavior. More likely, calling them out will only make them angrier and more defensive. Instead, try using strategies that help you understand their perspective better.
Focus on the underlying message, not their behavior. Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals? Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you may be able to address the actual problem.
Create a safe environment for an honest conversation. Social psychologist Heidi Grant told me in an interview for my book, Getting Along, that the best tactic is making clear that you’re interested to show interest in the other person’s perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear. You might say, “I heard your views during the meeting and interpreted it as…did I get it right?” The advantage to opening up a conversation is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.
Some phrases to use with a passive-aggressive peer:
“I heard you say [quick summary] but I wasn’t sure if you meant something else. Is there something I’m not understanding?”
“I noticed that you pushed away from the table (or rolled your eyes). What’s your reaction to this discussion?”
“I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry but just want to be sure everything’s OK.”
The Know-It-All
What it looks like:
Lucia’s colleague Ray loved to talk. If people tried to interrupt him, he just raised his voice and spoke over them. Lucia interpreted his diatribes as Ray saying, “I know what the team and company needs and everyone else should just listen.” Ray seemed convinced that he was the smartest person in the room, and he loved telling people what was “right,” even when he was clearly wrong.
Why it happens:
Confidence can be a good thing, but confidence without competence can cause people to ignore feedback, act condescendingly, and take credit for group successes. Some know-it-alls have adopted this demeanor to compensate for feelings of insecurity. For others, the behavior has been encouraged by corporate norms. Either way, they can undermine team cohesiveness and demean you to the point of damaging your career.
Tactics to try:
Address interruptions. One way to avoid interruptions is to preemptively request that people refrain from interjecting. Before you start talking, explain how much time (roughly) you’re going to need and say something like, “Please hold any comments or questions until I’m done.” If you’re not making a formal presentation but are just having a discussion where some back and forth is expected, you might say instead, “Interruptions break my concentration so I’d appreciate it if I could finish my thoughts before you jump in.” If your efforts to preempt interruptions fail, address them directly. But don’t just raise your voice. That sets up a power struggle and your colleague is likely to talk louder in an attempt to drown you out. Instead, confidently say, “I’m going to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
Ask for specific facts. Another habit of the know-it-all is to proclaim things they have no way of knowing for sure, like “In a year, no one will even be talking about this recession.” When this happens, understand that it’s okay to ask people for sources or data that back up their declarations. Be respectful, not confrontational. You might say something like, “I’m not sure we’re working with the same assumptions and facts. Let’s step back and take a look at the data before we proceed.” If you don’t have data, you might even suggest you all gather some. For instance, if your colleague insists that customers will hate a new product feature, is it feasible to run a short customer survey?
Model humility. Many show-offs act the way they do because implicitly or explicitly they’ve received messages that projecting confidence is what’s expected on your team, in your organization, or in the culture they’re from. You can provide a different model by displaying humility and open-mindedness. Try saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have that information right now, let me get back to you.” If the know-it-all sees that you suffer no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they may be willing to do the same.
Some phrases to use with a know-it-all:
“I’d appreciate it if you would respect that I know what I’m doing. I value your input and I’ll definitely ask for it when I need it.”
“Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”
“I’m going to continue, and I’ll address that when I’m done.”
“Tell me about where your insights are coming from.”
. . .
Much of the advice here requires you to be “the adult in the room.” And you may be wondering why you should do all the work if your colleague is the one causing the problems. Truthfully, it’s not on you to change another person’s behavior, and oftentimes, you can’t. What you can change is your approach to navigating relationships that are critical in your work life. You may notice that sometimes trying something new, even something small, can shift the dynamic between you and a coworker who gets under your skin. Hopefully, with this advice, you’ll be able to more easily put work conflict in its place, freeing up valuable time and mental capacity for the things that really matter to you.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-11-01 12:45:432023-11-01 12:45:433 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them
When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.
Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.
What makes someone a difficult person?
Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.
Poor communication
They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.
Lack of empathy
Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.
Criticism
Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.
How do you spot a difficult person?
It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:
Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.
How do you not let a difficult person affect you?
There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.
With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.
1. Pay attention to how you react
How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.
2. Stay calm
Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”
When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.
3. Do your own Inner Work®
Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.
For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.
How do you deal with a difficult person?
The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:
How do you deal with a difficult person?
Listen to them
Get into their shoes
Honor both of your needs
Use humor
Practice
When all else fails, eject
Create a buffer
Practice self-care
1. Listen to them
When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.
If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.
2. Get into their shoes
From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.
Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.
3. Honor both of your needs
Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.
What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.
4. Use humor
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.
5. Practice
If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.
6. When all else fails, eject
If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.
Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.
The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.
7. Create a buffer
Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.
If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.
8. Practice self-care
Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.
It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.
Difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.
As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.
If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.
When to escalate a conflict to HR
While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.
You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:
Bullying
Harassment
Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
Other coworkers
Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws
In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.
Final thoughts
No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.
We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-10-12 08:06:022023-10-12 08:06:02How to deal with difficult people — without harming your mental health
Being a successful leader is about knowing how to manage, inspire, and encourage a vast majority of people with varying personalities. Leaders usually work with people who are easily managed, but there are other times when they’re faced with the challenge of how to lead difficult people.
Like any challenge, leading difficult people can become easier if the leader has a toolkit and plan of action prepared to handle the situation appropriately.
Today, we’ll cover some of the best techniques to manage difficult people in ways that reduce friction and preserve morale. First, let’s dig into what makes a person “difficult.”
Note before we begin: while we are focusing on employees here, leadership is found in all aspects of life, and difficult people can be found anywhere as well. These tips can be used in a multitude of situations.
THE TRAITS OF A DIFFICULT PERSON
While difficult people are one of those things where you “know it when you see it,” this type of thinking largely takes place after someone has already expressed toxic traits. A more helpful strategy is to understand the traits of a difficult person, which allows for early intervention.
This list is a great way to quickly gain an understanding if someone is becoming problematic. Other researchers claim there are seven core ingredients that make someone difficult inside and outside of the workplace. They include:
Callousness
Grandiosity
Aggressiveness
Suspiciousness
Manipulation
Domineering
Risk-taking
Obviously, people typically don’t fit inside neat boxes like these; however, understanding the common traits of a difficult person can help you identify them early and address the issue before it gets out of hand.
HOW TO LEAD DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Now that you understand how to identify potentially problematic people, how should you lead them?
Leaders can employ a few different techniques and strategies to better manage and lead difficult people and, if done correctly, can even help people become easier to work with.
1. START BY IDENTIFYING THE ROOT CAUSE
According to The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM), one of the best ways to begin leading a difficult person is to understand the root cause of the problem. Most people don’t want to be viewed as difficult, meaning there is likely something going on that’s been overlooked.
For example, an employee may start expressing “problematic” behaviors because they have too much work on their plate, are unhappy with their current role, have issues outside of the workplace, or a myriad of other things that aren’t immediately apparent.
To shine a light on these potential problem areas, try to get a sense of the person on a deeper level. Sometimes simply addressing their concerns and making an action plan can turn things around.
Uncovering the root cause of these behaviors requires a leader to foster a culture of openness and transparency where problems are not pushed to the side. One of the best leadership styles for this is servant leadership, which hinges on putting the needs of others first and focuses on being an active listener.
2. DON’T GET DEFENSIVE, STAY CALM
Leading difficult people is a challenge in itself so don’t fall into the trap of being difficult yourself.
You must remember the old adage that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” When communicating with a difficult person, leave judgment, negativity, and finger-pointing out of the equation.
A good way to communicate openly without falling into these trappings is to listen before reacting. Leading a difficult person takes time and isn’t something that’s suddenly fixed after one interaction.
Prepare before the conversation. Make sure you don’t initiate suddenly or when you’re angry with the person. This should be planned in advance.
Control your environment. Meet privately and do not publicly raise these concerns because that can create a greater rift.
Stay focused on the objective. Stick to the main objective as much as possible.
Show support. As a leader, your role is to support and empower. Attempting to combat the situation isn’t going to be helpful.
Be as fair as possible. Look at the situation from the person’s point of view and be as fair as possible. Sometimes, a person may be completely in the wrong but this is rare.
Know when to back out. If things aren’t going well, don’t push the limit. You can always try again later.
3. KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO BRING IN SUPPORT
One of the biggest hurdles leaders face when dealing with a difficult person is knowing when to bring in additional support from other leaders, coworkers, friends, or anyone who may be able to lend assistance.
While this seems like a simple task, it’s more nuanced than you might think. There’s a delicate balance between discussing a difficult person and gossiping or complaining about them.
Gossip does nothing but make the situation worse and increases the likelihood of a toxic culture. To avoid that outcome, make sure the person you’re bringing in to help is trustworthy, compassionate, and not one to spread rumors about the difficult individual.
Here are a few tips to ensure you pick the right confidant for advice:
Lean on other leaders. Learning from experienced leaders is a great way to get first-hand information from someone who’s likely been there before.
Look for someone removed from the situation. Get advice from someone with a degree of separation to ensure an unbiased viewpoint.
Seek different perspectives. Avoid seeking advice from people that you already know what they’ll recommend. The same goes for overly agreeable people who will simply nod along with your perspective.
4. UNDERSTAND WHEN TO ESCALATE
While deploying the tactics above have a high likelihood of making difficult people easier to manage and may solve the situation entirely, you have to know when enough is enough, especially when it comes to employees.
If all has failed, it’s time to escalate the problem to your manager or members of leadership. Though this may feel like giving up, it’s the only step available after a certain point. Remember, this is the final step and should only be implemented if all other avenues have been exhausted or if the person’s behavior becomes dangerous.
LEADING DIFFICULT PEOPLE: KEY TAKEAWAYS
Managing and leading difficult people is a unique challenge that requires care, compassion, and consideration. Each person and situation is unique and will require a different approach.
Remember that very few people start their day off intending to be difficult. There’s likely an internal reason for their negativity, and finding it can be the key to alleviating the situation.
Also, take a careful and deliberate approach to how you communicate. Stay calm, be mindful, and practice listening before reacting. If all fails, reach out to other leaders, friends, or family members to lean on their experiences.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2023-09-19 12:21:462023-09-19 12:21:464 TIPS YOU CAN USE NOW FOR MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
There’s always someone who never shows up on time, who borrows your favorite pen and never gives it back, or is regularly rude to you.
In small doses, this behavior is tolerable. Everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day. But if it happens daily, their conduct becomes a pattern. Over time, however, this kind of difficult coworker can lower your job satisfaction and impact your overall well-being.
Some studies even show that difficult coworkers can lead employees to leave their companies.
So how can you deal with difficult coworkers? First, remember that managing these relationships is a vital part of office politics. Frustrated outbursts and angry behavior will only harm your career and contribute to a toxic workplace.
To keep your career on track and find some peace at work, use these 8 tips for how to deal with a difficult coworker. You’ll be on your way to maintaining a healthy and harmonious work environment before you know it.
Why is knowing how to deal with difficult coworkers important?
In every area of life, you’re bound to meet someone that you find challenging to be around. The workplace is no exception. The difference is that while you might be able to snub someone at the supermarket, doing so at work could have an impact on your career.
Retaliation against a mean coworker might seem satisfying at the moment. However, it’s worth thinking twice about. One passive-aggressive remark can turn into full-blown hostility. This can only make life more stressful than before.
This kind of conflict can also ruin your relationship with your other coworkers. They likely won’t recognize that you are simply defending yourself by lashing out. Instead, you could be seen as another difficult person in the office.
If you retaliate, you could also contribute to normalizing toxic behavior at work. This could eventually erode any positive culture that currently exists. That’s not an ideal outcome if your goal was to improve your quality of life.
Dealing with a difficult coworker is a delicate matter. You have a right to a peaceful work environment and a right to speak up for yourself. However, the workplace makes addressing your coworker a little complicated. The good news? You can learn exactly what steps you need to take to improve your work life.
Before anything, check in with yourself
Before risking a potential conflict, take a moment to examine your feelings. Why does this person bother you so much? You should discern if you’re dealing with a coworker who is uncooperative, lazy, or downright mean.
We often dislike individuals because they remind us of someone from our past or have qualities we dislike in ourselves. Naming these feelings might be enough to diffuse your frustration.
Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts into words and channel your negative emotions elsewhere. You can also try talking it out with a professional. BetterUp, for example, can help you navigate these workplace relationships by providing objective guidance.
It’s also worth examining your own behavior. Think back on whether you’ve been rude or if you might’ve done something to instigate this situation. Remember, at the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. What can you do to improve things now, instead of waiting for someone else to change?
The different types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them
There are many constructive ways to deal with a difficult colleague, but the strategies vary depending on the person. Here are 5 common types of difficult coworkers and how to deal with them.
1. The sloth
This person is generally considered a slacker. They complete their work, but only just, and they thrive on doing the bare minimum. They’re often slow, working up to the deadline when they could easily finish right away.
The sloth is particularly frustrating if your own work depends on theirs.
Solution: First of all, be kind and respectful. Speak to them privately. Ask about the ETA for their work and politely push for an explanation. They might have personal issues you don’t know about. If they don’t appear to have a good reason, tell them how their tardiness affects your work, as this might be the kick they need to work faster.
Track your attempts at addressing this difficult situation. If you fail on several occasions, your manager or human resources department can help with conflict resolution.
2. The bellyacher
Look, we all need to blow off steam sometimes. But it can be exhausting when a colleague never stops complaining. These types of coworkers dwell on problems and rarely offer solutions. After a while, the negativity can be grating. It can even make you more unhappy with your job over time, even if you truly enjoy it.
Solution: Try acknowledging your difficult coworker’s complaints and subtly moving the conversation elsewhere. You can also ask them to pitch a solution. Remind them that nothing will change unless someone takes action. Since they seem passionate about the issue, why not them?
Another way to surprise the bellyacher is to offer a contrasting opinion. Continuing to be kind and respectful, you can simply say, “I actually enjoyed that meeting.” If you don’t echo their complaints, this difficult coworker will likely get bored and move onto the next person.
3. The center of attention
Some people love the spotlight but don’t like working for it. This person will often take credit for other people’s achievements. Usually, this behavior masks their underlying insecurities.
Solution: This is a case where it’s more productive to focus on yourself. Keep a list of your accomplishments and share it with your manager to help them recognize your work before someone else takes credit for it.
4. The hotshot
You might have a team member who fancies themself a know-it-all. They’re loud in meetings, rarely accept criticism, and make reckless decisions. These people like to steamroll over other people’s ideas.
Solution: This might be difficult, but try asking for their advice on a problem. This shows you’re willing to have a positive relationship. They may learn to trust you and be more inclined to hear your ideas.
If that doesn’t work, be direct. Explain that you don’t feel heard. Maybe this person doesn’t know their behavior is harming people.
5. The gossip
There’s such a thing as innocent office gossip, but sometimes, it can go too far. This person talks behind people’s backs and spreads unverified rumors. Anyone who remembers high school knows how this behavior can cause harm. Put-downs and gossip have no place in a workplace.
Solution: Don’t participate. When the conversation turns negative, simply leave and don’t repeat the rumors. You can also try changing the subject. If someone is spreading particularly harmful lies, politely ask them to stop.
How to deal with any kind of difficult coworker
Outside of the above scenarios, here are some general ways to stay sane around a difficult coworker.
1. Avoid them if you can
Some people are best in small doses. Don’t feel bad limiting your interactions with them. To avoid drama, remember to be kind and continue to engage in small talk. Don’t give them the cold shoulder — just keep your time with your difficult coworker brief.
2. Don’t let them push your buttons
Figure out why your difficult coworker bothers you so much. What behaviors are the most bothersome? What buttons do they push? When they start exhibiting those traits, you can politely excuse yourself. You can also work on coping mechanisms such as deep breathing.
3. Stay positive
Don’t let a difficult coworker burn you out. Remember why you love your job and focus on the people who bring you joy. This will help protect your mental health in the long run.
4. Don’t take it personally
A difficult coworker’s behavior isn’t your fault. Let it slide off your shoulders, and only intervene when it interferes with your actual work and professional goals.
BetterUp can help you learn how to deal with difficult coworkers and navigate these relationships. Whether you need career advice, to find better work-life balance, or help developing your career, we’ll always be in your corner.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-11-29 12:47:092022-11-29 12:47:09How to deal with difficult coworkers and still be professional
No matter where you work or how much you love your job, you’ve probably encountered at least one person who is difficult to work with. How can you maintain a healthy working relationship with a person you struggle to get along with?
Why Is Your Coworker Difficult?
What defines a difficult coworker? There are some common characteristics and factors that may cause you to think that your coworker is difficult. These include:
Laziness
Inability to work independently
An unusual approach to completing work
Not liking their job or role in the organization
Personal issues that affect their attitude or ability to work effectively
Not understanding their job responsibilities
Taking credit for work they didn’t do
Not listening or engaging
Ways to Connect With a Difficult Coworker
Your organization hired this employee for a reason. The hiring manager saw something in them that made them a good fit for the team. For this reason, it may be in your best interest to help them succeed.
Get to know them. It’s often easier to communicate and work with someone you have a connection with. Invite your coworker out to lunch one day and get to know them better. By laying the foundation for a working friendship, you may learn more about them. It may help you understand why they’re hard to work with and help you feel more empathetic.
Identify their strengths. When you work with a difficult person, it’s easy to focus on their negative traits. Take some time to see where their strengths lie. Everyone is good at something, and identifying something positive can help you see them differently.Problem solve. Try to find out the root cause for their behavior. It may have nothing to do with work, or it could be caused by a work-related insecurity. If they didn’t receive enough training to fully understand their job, they may seem unhelpful or defensive. Additional training or resources might help them feel more confident.
If they’re going through a tough personal situation, they may not have the resources they need to cope at work. Helping a coworker or employee find the resources they need to solve their personal problem may help improve their work life.
Change your perspective. Everyone sees the world differently. Try to challenge your thoughts about a difficult coworker by seeing things from their point of view. Think about how they react in different situations. Do they generally have a positive or a negative mindset? Adjust how you filter interactions with this coworker to broaden your view of the situation.
Consider Your Role
Relationships depend on both people. Take time to reflect on how you contribute to the perception that your coworker is difficult. Do you treat the person differently because you feel like they are difficult? Do you talk negatively about them to other coworkers? If so, consider how you can change your actions to help improve how you and others view this person. This may also help improve your relationship with them.
If others talk badly about the coworker or treat them differently, take the initiative to stop participating. Help others around you to change their perspective. Work together to help lift the person up instead of putting them down.
Address Your Concerns
If your attempts to connect don’t work, try talking to them about how you feel. Conversations like this can feel awkward, but clearing the air and working through a problem may be the best way to find a solution.
If the person is your supervisor or works in a role above you, consider taking your concerns to your Human Resources (HR) department. When you speak to HR, use the following thoughts to guide your discussion:
Keep your concerns to the facts.
Don’t allow your emotions to affect how you deliver your concerns.
Don’t exaggerate the issue.
Be clear that your goal is to improve your working relationship with the person.
Identify Harassment From a Coworker
Know how to identify if a difficult coworker’s behavior becomes harassment. If your coworker is hostile, acting inappropriately, or trying to intimidate you, make a plan to talk to HR. Your plan should include:
Sharing the facts of what is happening
Explaining your side of the story
Asking what they think about the situation and how you should proceed
Understanding that there are two sides to every story and that HR may need to investigate
Documenting any issues you have moving forward
Know When to Let Go
If your coworker is negatively affecting your time at work, you may have a hard time being productive. This may affect your mood and attitude. It may challenge your ability to perform at expected levels. If your difficult coworker doesn’t want to change, consider the changes you can make, including:
Keep your distance and interact with them as little as possible.
Switch to another department or role.
Escalate your concerns to a supervisor or HR manager.
In some cases, you may consider looking for another job. Before you do, remember that difficult people are everywhere. There is no guarantee that you’ll get along with everyone in a new job setting.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-11-16 09:57:522022-11-16 09:57:52How to Work With a Difficult Person
When it comes to dealing with difficult people, it can be tough to just “grin and bear it.” A really unpleasant person or interaction can linger in your mind, even when you’re not around them. Suppressing those interactions can start to take its toll on your mental health.
Many times, like at work, we have to be around these difficult people whether we want to or not. There are a few things, though, that we can do to lessen the impact that they have on us. Here’s the lowdown on not-so-nice people, how to spot them, and how to deal with difficult people — both in and out of the workplace.
What makes someone a difficult person?
Everyone has their own personality types and quirks. In and of themselves, personality clashes don’t make for difficult relationships. Usually, what ruins interpersonal relationships is poor communication, a lack of empathy, or criticism.
Poor communication
They might constantly talk over you, or never pay attention to what you have to say. They might be indirect, passive-aggressive, or really rude. Whatever it is, talking to them is never straightforward. And you never feel good about how the conversation went after you do. Poor communication skills can take a toll on any relationship.
Lack of empathy
Some individuals never seem to care about anyone but themselves. This lack of empathy can make them especially challenging to deal with. They may have trouble understanding other people’s emotions or circumstances. These people often come across as callous and uncaring.
Criticism
Highly critical people can be among the most challenging to be around. It can seem like nothing and no one meets their standards. Unfortunately, the closer you are to a highly critical person, the more their comments sting. This can be particularly upsetting in personal relationships.
How do you spot a difficult person?
It would be much more convenient if difficult people walked around advertising their unpleasantness. But while they might not wear flashing neon signs, they do give off some clear warnings. Here are 11 ways to recognize a difficult person:
Being around difficult people can have an impact on your relationships and on workplace culture. Because their behavior can have such a detrimental effect on your well-being, it’s important to take steps to prevent their behavior from affecting you. Not “letting them get to you,” however, might be easier said than done.
How do you not let a difficult person affect you?
There’s a saying that when you change, so do others. Working on ourselves first is the surest path to making sure things go the way we want them to. After all, it’s pretty hard for only one person to get into an argument.
With that in mind, the first thing to do when faced with a challenging person is to look inside. Understanding why you’re affected by them can help you determine the best way to handle their behavior.
1. Pay attention to how you react
How does this person’s behavior make you feel? Do you feel frustrated, insulted, or dismissed? Being able to label the feelings helps to pull you out of reactivity mode and into curiosity — a much more productive (and less explosive) space.
2. Stay calm
Even when you’re dealing with a difficult person, it usually doesn’t help to blow up on them. Many times, they’ll use your reaction (justified or unjustified) to recruit support, making you look like you were just “overreacting.”
When you find yourself getting exasperated with someone, start by taking one or more deep breaths. Don’t feel like you have to engage with them right away. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back, regroup, and follow up when you feel more centered.
3. Do your own Inner Work®
Sometimes, people bother us because they remind us of ourselves. If we’re already frustrated — whether with ourselves or because of our own problems — their shortcomings will feel intolerable.
For me, working with a coach has been immensely helpful in navigating difficult situations. It gives me the opportunity to depersonalize what’s happening and find out if there’s a root conflict that’s unrelated to that person at all. And if the person really is being difficult, it’s nice to have someone validate that too.
How do you deal with a difficult person?
The fact is, in life, we’re always going to encounter difficult people. But when we understand how their behavior and attitudes affect us, we can prepare ourselves to deal with them. Here are 8 ways to deal with difficult people:
How do you deal with a difficult person?
Listen to them
Get into their shoes
Honor both of your needs
Use humor
Practice
When all else fails, eject
Create a buffer
Practice self-care
1. Listen to them
When faced with a challenging person or situation, start by just listening. Look at it as an exercise in curiosity. Try to understand — as much as possible — what they want and why they’re giving you a hard time.
If they’re upset, avoid trying to placate them or shut them down. Telling someone to “calm down” usually has the opposite effect — especially if they think you’re not too fond of them.
2. Get into their shoes
From there, try to imagine things from their point of view. If you were this person, and you were behaving in this way, what would justify your behavior? What would have to be happening to convince you that you were right? That may give you insight into how the other person feels.
Looking at things from their perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them. But it will help you develop compassion for them. Once you develop a bit of empathy for them, you open the way to communicating with compassion and respect.
3. Honor both of your needs
Many people take a dim view of compromise, feeling that when people seek a middle ground, no one gets what they want. However, that is the least fulfilling version of compromise.
What works better — and feels a little more satisfying — is to come to an agreement that honors both of your needs. Find a way (if you have to spend time around each other) that you can do so with respect. Even if that person doesn’t change their ways, they can become a little more pleasant to deal with. Mutual understanding (and some boundary-setting) can help accomplish that.
4. Use humor
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations because we take things too seriously. If you’re in conflict with another person, using (appropriate) humor can help diffuse tension. Cracking a joke — or even a smile — can help lower the stakes. It can remind you of shared common ground and even shift you into a more collaborative mood.
5. Practice
If you’re a little conflict-avoidant, you may be hesitant to even get into conversations with difficult people. If that’s the case, try practicing what you want to say first. Coaching sessions are a helpful space to run through conversations with different personas. You can try having the intended conversation, recapping previous exchanges, or talking through different resolutions.
6. When all else fails, eject
If you ever find yourself stuck dealing with someone you really can’t stand, get out of there. Sometimes it’s just not worth engaging. When our feelings are involved, we often feel drawn into the exchange. We’re so absorbed that we forget we can just leave.
Years ago, I heard some advice from a sales trainer. He said that if the reps were ever on a sales call that was going badly, they should just hang up. He explained that a swift disconnection could be glossed over as “tech issues.” It would be much harder to unsay anything that you might regret after a moment’s reflection.
The same is true for difficult people. If you’re having a hard time dealing with them, hang up (log off, walk away, or whatever applies). Even if you’re talking face-to-face, you can find a way to leave. Invent an emergency or important phone call, and offer to pick up the conversation later.
7. Create a buffer
Set limits on the amount of time you spend engaging with emotional vampires and other difficult types. If you have to meet with them, do it in a neutral space, connect virtually, or schedule something directly after so they don’t take up much of your time.
If you can, try not to interact with them alone. Bring a friend, colleague, or another person to help buffer your interactions with them. If you start getting upset or the situation starts to go south, this person can help you eject before things get too rough.
8. Practice self-care
Being around difficult people — even if everything looks calm on the surface — is emotionally exhausting. If you’re going to deal with it on a regular basis (for example, as a caregiver or in other relationships), you need to be sure to refill your cup. Inner Work® can give you some distance and perspective as you reflect.
It’s also important, though, to practice other kinds of self-care. Ensuring that you feel physically and mentally cared for will help you feel more emotionally resilient, as well.
Difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people can be hard enough, but dealing with a difficult coworker can ruin your day. We spend so much time at work that negative people can really take a toll on our sense of belonging, psychological safety, and productivity.
As much as possible, try to limit your interactions with difficult people at work. Whenever possible (or appropriate), loop in a third party on difficult conversations. Try to keep your body language neutral when dealing with coworkers, since carrying around additional tension will likely make the whole interaction feel more strained.
If it’s someone that you have to deal with, like a manager, try to keep your one-on-ones brief and to the point. Remember that you have a common interest — in this case, getting the work done.
When to escalate a conflict to HR
While it’s to be expected that you won’t get along with everyone at work all the time, there are certain situations that should be handled by human resources. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your manager, leader, or administrative team if a situation feels like it’s getting out of control.
You should escalate conflicts with coworkers to HR when they involve:
Bullying
Harassment
Inappropriate sexual conduct or advances
Threats against you, your family, or your livelihood
Other coworkers
Violations of discrimination, disability, equal employment, or equal pay laws
In any of these instances, please contact human resources right away. Refrain from engaging with that coworker if you don’t feel safe.
Final thoughts
No one looks forward to interacting with difficult people, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, or workplace. While there’s often not much we can do to change their behavior, we can change our own responses and minimize how they affect us.
We can also learn to become more open to conversation and conflict, since not all conflict is inherently bad. Learning how to have difficult conversations and embracing productive conflict can help you feel more confident. And who knows? You might make a friend in an unlikely place.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-08-03 11:06:432022-08-03 11:06:43How to deal with difficult people — without harming your mental health
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
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2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-07-15 11:54:322022-07-15 11:54:324 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
Most people have, at one point in their career, met a challenging coworker. These relationships might complicate workplace relationships. However, knowing how to overcome challenges presented by your colleagues can help you gain peace of mind at work and ensure you are at your best for maximum productivity. In this article, we discuss some examples of challenging coworkers and provide tips for dealing with them.
How do you deal with difficult coworkers?
Follow these steps to deal with difficult coworkers:
1. Determine whether interacting with the coworker at that time is a priority
It works well to try and identify whether dealing with your colleague is a priority. For example, suppose you were working on a project together, and the duration of the collaboration was almost over. In that case, it might not be worth your while to start dealing with the colleague, especially if chances of working again are none.
However, if it is at the start of the team engagement, it might be wise to decide to deal with the colleague as soon as possible to ensure the project’s success. If you somehow land a job with a form of permanence, then deal with your coworker as soon as you see signs of difficulty.
Determine beforehand what you wish to accomplish at the end of the road. Fix a specific objective and focus on it without wavering, even if the circumstances change. Here are some of the objectives you may set:
You should understand the situation with your coworker. Ask for details to clarify the source. Press for a complete description and avoid solving it until you fully grasp the situation as it is. Try to know who might be the cause of the issue. Ensure you have ruled out the fact that you may have inspired the response from your colleague. This helps to gain a perspective that may lead to both of you getting along well.
Ask yourself the following questions to gather information and understand the situation:
“Is the behaviour one-time or a recurring pattern?”
If the situation is becoming unmanageable, it might be time to speak out to your coworker. Use “I” language to increase reception of your message instead of “you,” which may prompt a less productive response. Some examples are:
“I feel wronged when you address me this way,” instead of “you are always calling me mean names.”
“I have concluded that your punctuality is making it hard for us to submit our team report on time, instead of “you are the reason why we never submit our team report on time.”
“I feel upset whenever you respond to patients that way,” instead of “the way you respond is unprofessional.”
Even if your colleague is challenging, they may be going through some hard situations or dealing with a less-enjoyable thing. Show compassion as you get to know your coworkers, and you may find that you would respond in the same manner if you were in their situation. Use humour to defuse situations. A bit of humour might be a tactic to use in case of a situation full of tension. A light-appropriate joke might calm everyone.
6. Encourage healthy competition in the workplace
To deal with overly-competitive coworkers, create a culture of healthy competition at work. Avoid using unfair means to win competitions and encourage integrity and fairness while competing. Set an example for your colleague to follow. If possible, join your colleague and also help them succeed. Show them you want to work with them, not against them.
7. Find common ground for collaboration
Common ground can be a common objective, a shared value, perspective or opinion when dealing with a difficult coworker. This prevents assumptions that usually lead to pre-judgements about different parties. Examples of common clauses are:
“So we both agree that this report has to be submitted by next week?”
“Can we all conclude that there is a tie between both parties?”
“Let us agree that this is a situation that requires the presence of our supervisor.”
“We can safely accept that none of us can deal with this client at the moment.”
8. Acknowledge their concerns and feedback publicly
Sometimes, colleagues may raise a valid critique point. Acknowledge that they do have a point and try to ask for details and find a solution. Criticism is healthy when it leads to progress.
9. Talk to your manager
When the situation progresses to uncontainable levels, it may be wise to raise your concerns with your supervisor or visit your HR department. Ensure you have some valid proof of what has been going on. The HR team will then handle the issue to resume work without interference from the problematic coworker.
10. Accept them as they are
Another way is wisely accepting them and adapting to their behaviour. Sometimes, you might, from your assumptions, “not like them.” However, it is normal to find some personalities attractive and others unappealing. It is thus okay to accept their nature and give them time to exhibit better behaviours and attitudes.
11. Limit your engagements
As you carry on with your daily work dealings, you might find it helpful to avoid unnecessary interactions with the problematic individual. For example, you may avoid them even during lunchtimes and meetings. You could also stick around coworkers whose company you find encouraging.
12. Maintain professionalism within the workplace
Do not divulge your personal or private information to your colleagues. Instead, tell your colleague that you’d instead not share about it to avoid gossip.
Also, maintain a neutral position when it comes to opinions bringing problems at work. This will help create a positive environment for everyone to work in and be productive. Be the better person and treat everyone with the respect and kindness they deserve to show maturity. In case of a confrontation, stay calm and use a professional tone to address the opposite party.
You could shift your attention to the good coworkers you enjoy having around instead of fixing it on the person. Pursue positive relationships with the rest of your colleagues. Such engagements can be very encouraging and may lift your morale as you go through the day. Sometimes you may even end up forgetting about them.
How to deal with the different types of coworkers
The following are different coworker types of situations:
Stolen work credit: Assess the severity of the situation calmly talk it over with your colleague. If the situation progresses, talk to your boss or the HR department.
Negative-minded: Identify the positivity in their comments or distance yourself from negative situations.
Time waster or latecomer: Set clear deadlines and if you are in a leadership position, train them to manage their time well.
Overly competitive: Be direct that you do not wish to compete and focus on your work.
Gossiper: Avoid participating in office politics and gossip. Behave professionally at work. If you find out someone is gossiping about you, review the company policy to check what ethics are to be maintained.
Bully: Confront the bully and if the situation persists, document their behaviour to approach your manager or the HR team with evidence.
Micromanager: Ask for more unsupervised roles and collaborate with them efficiently.
Why do you need to learn how to deal with your coworkers?
The following are reasons why you should know how to deal with difficult coworkers:
When you learn how to deal with them, you can apply this important skill at work and other areas of your life, such as business and client conflict resolution. The skill is also an advantage when employers are looking for managers and employees to promote.
Dealing with them will make your work life easier and reduce the struggle at work.
It may lead to happier customers.
If things progress to a more significant conflict, management could identify you as a cause of conflict.
It can contribute to the growth of the company and increases the morale and productivity of the team.
It saves you much time that would have been spent solving issues from the difficult colleague.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-04-22 13:42:332022-04-22 13:42:33How To Deal With Difficult Coworkers (With Examples)
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
ABOUT SCIENCE OF PEOPLE
Our mission is to help you achieve your social and professional goals faster using science-backed, practical advice. Our team curates the best communication, relationship, and social skills research; turning into actionable and relatable life skills. Science of People was founded by Vanessa Van Edwards, bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2022-01-12 09:49:282022-01-12 09:49:284 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself says Julie Perrine
No workplace is completely without conflict. Even the closest of colleagues and co-workers will occasionally disagree over the division of labor, the proper setting on the office thermostat, and whose turn it is to make the afternoon coffee run.
You cannot control other people. You may be able to have a conversation with them about their behavior, but ultimately, it’s their decision whether they want or need to change. And since all you can control is yourself, it may be time to take a long, hard look at your own self-awareness in the workplace.
What Have You Done to Resolve the Conflict?
It can be difficult to initiate a crucial conversation. Our tendency is to avoid conflict, not initiate it. But when another’s actions affect your day-to-day duties (and sometimes, your sanity), it’s important to attempt to resolve the issue peacefully.
Try to see things from your colleague’s point of view. Do they understand how their actions are affecting you? Have you brought it up with them in the past? Are you doing something that may be inadvertently contributing to or even fueling the situation?
Fuming under your breath about how inconsiderate someone is doesn’t solve anything – you need to take action and attempt to resolve the conflict. A simple conversation may be all it takes to keep the peace.
Have You Taken Personality Types into Account?
Sometimes, we work great with one person and clash with another. Chances are the clash has nothing to do with them as an individual – it’s more likely that your personality types don’t mesh well.
Making an effort to understand the personality types of the others in your office can have tremendous career benefits. Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to a situation, take a step back and think, “Ok, this behavior seems insane to me, but maybe it’s just their communication or work style differs from mine.”
Don’t forget to take stock of your own personality type as well. There are a lot of excellent personality assessment tools you can use to learn a lot about your preferences and tendencies.
Can You Keep an Open Mind?
Not everyone functions the way you do – and that doesn’t mean they’re inherently wrong.
The fact is, you don’t know everyone’s story, and they don’t know yours. It’s possible that you do something that drives them just as crazy as they’re driving you.
Are You Open to Taking an Honest Look at Yourself?
In our own stories, we’re always the hero or the heroine. But other people may not cast us in the same light.
Take an honest look at your actions each day. Try to get a glimpse of yourself through your colleagues’ eyes. Are you taking long lunch breaks while everyone else is working on a group project? Wearing too much perfume? Flying off the handle at the slightest provocation?
If you’re unsure, try asking a trusted friend or family member. Solicit their feedback on your personality traits and habits. One of the biggest keys to being more self-aware is the ability to use constructive criticism to improve yourself!
What Can You Change?
No matter how hard you try, you can’t change other people. Instead, you may need to change yourself. Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself – not forcing others to improve themselves for your benefit.
Identify the key areas where you could make positive changes and then create a plan to implement them. Making an effort to improve doesn’t only benefit those we support; it benefits us, as well. You can go forward knowing that you, at least, are putting every effort into being the best assistant you can be!
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-11-15 10:40:582021-11-15 10:40:58Combating Conflict: Five Questions for Better Self-Awareness
Take your leadership skills to the next level by getting comfortable with confrontation. Here are 12 ways to diffuse difficult people.
We all have an inner voice that tells us when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone—a conversation that, if it took place, would improve life at the office for ourselves and for everyone else on our team. But fear drowns that inner voice—and we put the conversation off. Meanwhile the offending individual continues to provide substandard performance, miss deadlines, engage in interpersonal conflicts and exhibit toxic behavior.
The consequence of not having that uncomfortable conversation is costly. A CPP Inc. study of workplace conflict reveals that employees in the U.S. spend roughly 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict. Thirty-three percent of employees report that the conflict led to personal injury and attacks, and 22 percent report that it led to illness and absence from work. Ten percent report that project failure was a direct result of conflict. A similar study by Psychometrics in Canada, showed that 32 percent of employees have to deal with conflict regularly. More alarming is a recent study by Accenture revealing that, even in this challenging economic climate, 35 percent of employees leave their jobs voluntarily because of internal politics.
Handling the difficult conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. The more you get into the habit of facing these issues squarely, the more adept you will become at it. If you’re unsure of how to best approach a crucial conversation, here are some tips to guide you:
1. Be clear about the issue.
To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: “What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?” and “What is the impact that the behavior is having on you, the team or the organization?” You need to reach clarity for yourself so you can articulate the issue in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent during the conversation. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.
2. Know your objective.
What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.” What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don’t end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Schedule a follow up to evaluate progress and definitively reach closure on the issue at hand.
3. Adopt a mindset of inquiry.
Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your mindset will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person’s responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to a leader. Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A good leader remains open and seeks a greater truth in any situation. The outcome of adopting this approach might surprise you.
Most of us were likely raised to believe that emotions need to be left at the door. We now know that this is an old-school approach that is no longer valid in today’s work environments. It is your responsibility as a leader to understand and manage the emotions in the discussion. The late Robert Plutchik, professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as an annoyance, for example, can move to anger and, in extreme cases, escalate to rage. We can avoid this by being mindful of preserving the person’s dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them.
In some cases, you may have to respond to a person’s tears. In the video “How To Handle Tears At Work,” Anne Kreamer, author of It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace, provides several strategies. These include acknowledging the tears rather than ignoring them, offering the person a tissue to provide an opportunity to gather his or her thoughts, and recognizing that the tears communicate a problem to be addressed.
5. Be comfortable with silence.
There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don’t rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you’re likely uncomfortable with silence, as you’re used to thinking while you’re speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other party is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.
6. Preserve the relationship.
A leader who has high emotional intelligence is always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person.
7. Be consistent.
Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. For example, if the person thinks you have one set of rules for this person and a different set for another, you’ll be perceived as showing favoritism. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Employees have long-term memories of how you handled situations in the past. Aim for consistency in your leadership approach. We trust a leader who is consistent because we don’t have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviors.
8. Develop your conflict resolution skills.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of leadership. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots.
In a Harvard Business Reviewarticle, Sarah Green lists nine common mistakes we make when we conduct a difficult conversation. One of these mistakes is how we handle thwarting ploys, such as stonewalling, sarcasm and accusing. The best advice is to simply address the ploy openly and sincerely. As the author says, if the ploy from your counterpart is stubborn unresponsiveness, you can candidly say, “I don’t know how to interpret your silence.” Disarm the ploy by labeling the observed behavior.
10. Choose the right place to have the conversation.
Calling people into your office may not be the best strategy. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., “We’re in this together. Let’s problem solve so that we have a better workplace.” Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. Don’t exclude the coffee shop.
11. Know how to begin.
Some people put off having the conversation because they don’t know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. “John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let’s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat.” Or: “Linda, I want to go over some of the issues with XYZ customer and some concerns that I have. Let’s meet tomorrow morning to problem-solve.”
Being upfront is the authentic and respectful approach. You don’t want to ambush people by surprising them about the nature of the “chat.” Make sure your tone of voice signals discussion and not inquisition, exploration and not punishment.
12. Train other leaders on how to handle the difficult conversation.
Many of us spend countless hours at work, and for the majority of full-time workers, more time may be spent at work than in any other context outside of one’s home. Indeed, for many of us, we find ourselves spending more time with our coworkers and colleagues than with our family and friends. That said, dealing with difficult personalities in the workplace can really take a toll on one’s health and well-being, as well as on the entire company or organization.
If you’ve ever dealt with a particularly difficult coworker, you may have found yourself avoiding that person at work, perhaps changing your schedule or taking a different route in and out of your building. You may have even found yourself fantasizing about their departure or considering your own just to get away from him or her. In the following picture, Holloway and Kusy (2009) use humor to illustrate the joy of having a difficult employee leave a company. Although you may be able to find some humor in it, at the end of the day difficult workplace personalities can be very upsetting for all of those who have the misfortune of sharing time, space, and job tasks with them. Therefore, the purpose of this paper is to describe ten difficult workplace personalities which are common to many workplaces and strategies for effectively communicating and interacting with them.
What is Personality?
Before learning more about difficult workplace personalities and how to handle them, it is important to understand personality. Basically stated, personality is the sum of characteristics and traits that define a person’s typical thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in over time (Malik, 2007). For those who have personality traits that are considered outside of the norm and potentially harmful to themselves and/or others, a personality disorder may be present.
According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013b), “personality disorders are associated with ways of thinking and feeling about oneself and others that significantly and adversely affect how an individual functions in many aspects of life” (p.1). Examples of personality disorders include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. Even though these disorders create extreme behaviors in those who have them, even people without personality disorders can display traits from them which appear in the workplace. For example, you may know someone who has extreme and unpredictable emotional mood swings which often appear in people with borderline personality disorder. And some researchers have found that traits of narcissism – such as a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy for others – are higher in Generation Y or Millennials (sometimes referred to as “Generation Me”) than in previous generations which can make for more challenging interactions within office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).
How Can Difficult Personalities Impact the Workplace?
Difficulties workplace personalities can negatively affect the well-being of individual workers as well as entire organizations. Workplace incivility has been shown to effect the majority of workers in the U.S. (96%) according to one study and result in lower productivity and time spent at work among other negative consequences (Porath & Pearson, 2010). Examples of “toxic behaviors” that can damage the workplace environment include belittling comments, gossip, double standards, yelling at others, and taking credit for the work of others (Holloway & Kusy, 2009).
Even in the absence of difficult personalities, personality styles that do not work well together can result in conflict. Indeed, conflicting personality styles is a common cause of workplace conflict and incivility (Gatlin, Wysocki, & Kepner, 2008). Problems can occur over the way that people prefer to accomplish tasks or interact with one another. For example, some workers may prefer not socializing or distractions during certain hours and keep their office door shut while others may see this as unfriendly or even rude behavior.
A common difficult personality type found in many office environments is “the gossip.” This type goes without much explanation, as it is common knowledge that people like this get their title from talking about other people (often behind their backs) and spreading rumors about others (which are oftentimes untrue or exaggerated versions of the truth). If you have ever found yourself in a conversation with the gossip at your office, you probably know what to expect from them. You may have even found yourself the victim of their bad habits, maybe with even realizing it.
Office gossips often behave this way out of their own insecurities or to create drama in order to entertain themselves. Indeed, talking about other people may be a way to deflect attention away from their own bad traits (e.g., poor work performance) or a way to create situations that they find amusing. Gossips may also hold the misguided belief that their gossip is a way to connect with other coworkers with whom they share their gossip.
To communicate effectively with the gossip:
First, realize that it may be difficult to effectively communicate with the gossip or change their behavior before attempting to do so. A good communication strategy is directly telling this person the impact of their behavior on you with a statement like “I felt really upset by the comment you made about me to Jane.” However, be careful with this and mindful that a comment like this may potentially create more material for the gossip to use.
Try staying out of gossipy conversations and avoid sharing details of your personal life with the office gossip.
Attribute their behavior to their own faults and insecurities instead of taking what they may say personally (Orloff, 2014).
Let go of the idea that gossip within the office can be controlled and instead focus on your own behavior and setting a good example for others (Kiplinger, 2011).
#2: The Blamer
Blamers are another common type of difficult personalities found in many workplaces. For sure, there are times when most of us find ourselves pointing the finger at someone else when perhaps we were the cause of a situation or problem. But “blamers” (also referred to as “guilt trippers”) are those who constantly shift responsibility away from themselves and onto others whenever things go wrong in the office. Rarely do they acknowledge or apologize for their own misgivings, mistakes, bad decisions, or poor performance. And oftentimes they stretch the truth in order to convince others that their version of events is accurate and factual even when it’s not.
To communicate effectively with the blamer:
Try redirecting their attention away from blame and toward facts that are verifiable (Murphy, 2014).
Own up to any mistakes that you’ve actually made if they attempt to “guilt trip” you instead of engaging in the blame game with them and pointing the finger right back (Orloff, 2014). This can help stop the pattern that many blamers create of finger pointing back and forth with others and putting them on the defense.
Maintain firm boundaries around the blamer and try not to let them push you to a point that you’re uncomfortable with. Getting a blamer to see his or her own part in work-related problems may prove more difficult but creating your own safety and limits around them can usually be achieved with some careful effort.
#3: The Flyer
This difficult workplace personality is the highly emotional type who may “fly off the handle” at any time. They may also be called the “drama queen” or “drama king” and are very emotionally reactive people (Miller, 2014). Such people may have traits of histrionic personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality type will show a “pattern of excessive emotionality, attention-seeking, need for excitement, [act] flamboyant theatrically in speech and behavior, and use of exaggeration to maintain largely superficial relationships for the purpose of getting emotional needs met” (Miller, 2003, p. 427).
Oftentimes, you may find yourself drawn to this type of person in the office when they’re in a good mood because they can be funny, entertaining, and energetic. However, when types like this feel like they’re needs are not getting met they may “fly off the handle” so to speak and became very angry and dramatic. They may also be unreliable in following through with tasks and bad about making decisions based on emotions instead of facts and data (Miller, 2003).
In order to communicate effectively with the flyer:
Try to use praise for the value they bring to the office before delivering any critiques.
Communicate how their behavior affects you if you are impacted by their mood swings.
Remain calm when they fly off the handle and try to calm them down if at all possible.
Realize that you may be unable to change many of their behaviors but focus you protecting your own interests during the times that you find yourself in the unfortunate position of dealing with their high emotionality.
#4: The Control Freak
This difficult workplace personality is the type who is often nitpicky and critical of others who do not do things their way. Such people may have traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) even if they do not have the disorder itself. They often feel the need to control the outcome of seemingly everything and everyone around them and may even step over appropriate boundaries and attempt to control situations that aren’t relevant to their own job duties. They may also be perfectionists and have impossibly high expectations for themselves and others. However, they may be a valuable asset to your company or organization due to their high attention to detail.
To communicate effectively with the control freak may be a great challenge, especially since he or she may very well be your supervisor or boss. Some strategies you may consider include:
Giving praise for his or her attention to detail and contributions to your workplace.
Providing detail to him or her and avoiding ambiguity that may raise their anxiety levels.
Letting go of control at times when the situation or task does not matter as much to you or will not have an adverse effect on your performance.
Do not take it personally when they’re need for controlling is at its peak.
#5: The Victim
The victim is yet another difficult personality type found in many offices and is an obvious one to spot. This is the person who is often a constant complainer and attempts to draw people’s attention to their problems (or perceived problems) every day. For example, they may complain about their work duties and try to convince everyone that they aren’t treated fairly and have more work than everyone around them. Or they may play the victim when something goes wrong on a team project and claim that they were left out of important conversations. One study identified common personality traits of workplace victims and found that they “tended to be less independent and extroverted, less stable, and more conscientious than non-victims” (Coynea, Seignea & Randall, 2010, p.335).
In order to communicate effectively with the office victim:
Try to exercise patience with them during conversations and recognize that they actually believe that they have been victimized regardless of whether or not there’s any factual evidence to support this.
Try to point out evidence to the contrary when they begin complaining about their bad circumstances. For example, if they claim that they were intentionally left out of conversations it may help to highlight the fact that they were on sick leave when certain conversations happened and that you and other coworkers didn’t want to overwhelm them when they returned.
Try to empathize with them when at all possible while being careful not to support their tendency toward helplessness. This can be tricky. If they complain to you about something that happened to them at work, try a statement such as “I’m sorry that happened to you and upset you so much. Is there anything you can do to change that situation?” This will help validate their feelings while highlighting the fact that they should try taking responsibility for changing the circumstances that upset them.
Maintain your own boundaries during conversations and do not let them suck you into constant complaining about the same topics. A simple statement like “I know this is important to you and I’m sorry I don’t have time to listen more, but I must go back to my desk and get some work done now” may do the trick.
#6: The Quiet Type
The quiet type of personality is a self-explanatory one and often easy to pick out in an office. This type is not necessarily a difficult personality but can be a confusing one. This is the person who is usually aloof in the office, may sit at their desk a lot (instead of conversing at the water cooler or joining everyone for lunch), and may close themselves off to others by hiding behind their cubicle, keeping their office door shut, or wearing headphones.
Some tips for effective communication include:
Not pushing them to communicate or fraternize with everyone in the office.
Giving them more space and time than others to respond to you and communicate their thoughts and feelings.
Acknowledging their place and value to the organization even if they add little to no value to the office environment socially.
Take some time to get to know what makes him or her tick and show an interest in them as a person.
Do not take it personally if they do not interact with you as do your other coworkers.
#7: The Passive-Aggressive Type
Passive-aggressive types can make very difficult coworkers to interact with, as they may not be as easy to spot as others and can do real damage. They behave in phony ways – for example, hiding their true feelings by pretending everything is okay when they’re actually upset – and have a tendency to appear calm, cool, and collected at all times since they keep their negative feelings pushed deep down. However, a classic sign of this type is the fact that they may do things to sabotage the work or performance of others, or get revenge in other stealthy ways (e.g., stealing someone’s lunch).
In order to communicate with this personality type:
Avoid reciprocating passive-aggressive behaviors and confront problems with them out in the open, using tact and good timing for conversations.
Use direct communication to communicate the impact of their negative behaviors on you, your coworkers, and the office environment. For example, “I felt disrespected when you showed up to my presentation late.”
Express interest in their true feelings and create a safe space for them to feel heard and validated.
#8: The Paranoid One
The paranoid coworker is often portrayed on popular TV shows and in films, as this type can be equally entertaining and frustrating to deal with. Such people may have traits of paranoid personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. These include being constantly suspicious of other people and their motives, distrusting other people (even if there is no cause), and interpreting the behaviors of other people in very negative ways (for example, “She did that because she’s out to get me fired!”)
To communicate with the paranoid one in your office:
Exercise caution with what you say to him or her, and recognize that your words may be spun very differently in their head.
Offer fact-based and rational information and explanations to him or her for why certain decisions or developments occurred.
Avoid getting too caught up in changing their perceptions of reality, even if such perceptions seem odd to you and others around you.
#9: The Narcissist
The office narcissist may be one of the most difficult workplace personalities to deal with. Such people can also be described as egomaniacs and are often found within the management levels of many companies and organizations. They may show traits of narcissistic personality disorder or even have the disorder itself. The office narcissist will show a “pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, need for admiration, lack of empathy for others’ feelings or opinions and expecting unearned high praise regardless of their actual effort or accomplishment” (Miller, 2003, p.428). These types will often evaluate their own work performance more favorably than it is in reality (Judge, LePine, & Rich, 2006). They may be arrogant, annoying to deal with, and disliked by many people. Conversely, they may be very charismatic and actually liked by many coworkers (Orloff, 2014). However, this type of personality can be toxic to the workplace and will attempt to control situations and gain support for their inflated self view regardless of how it may damage those around them or their relationships.
To communicate with the office narcissist:
Consider using flattery or stroking their ego a bit if it helps get the job done (Orloff, 2014).
Communicate how demands of them may actually benefit them (Orloff, 2014). Narcissists are very self-focused and care about their needs and desires, often at the exclusion of others.
Offer a positive about their performance before delivering any criticisms.
Praise them openly (e.g., on a chain email) if it is deserved in order to continue getting results that you need from them. Narcissists respond to praise and social approval in office environments (Twenge & Campbell, 2008).
Maintain realistic expectations of how they will likely respond during conversations and situations. Do not expect something different from them just because their behavior rubs you (and everyone else) the wrong way.
#10: The Psychopath
The psychopath falls under the abnormal psychology branch and a regular encounter with someone who suffers from this is rare, nonetheless, it does happen and the psychopath can be a very harmful type of person particularly in the workplace. Such people may have traits of antisocial personality disorder even if they do not have the disorder itself. This personality disorder is defined by “a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others” (APA, 2013a, p.645). People who are psychopathic (sometimes referred to as sociopathic) have a tendency toward intentional harm toward others including lots of deceit and manipulation. They may take the credit for work done by others at their company, purposefully deceive others in order to “win” even if their actions are very damaging, unethical, or even illegal, or act in other reckless and predatory ways like stealing from the company or the company’s clients. The good news is that true psychopaths are a rare breed, composing only 3.3% of adults within the general population (APA, 2013a).
If you work with a psychopathic person, do not expect them to feel remorse for their actions, as people like this often take pleasure in their negative impact on others. Because of this, effective communication with a coworker like this may be nearly impossible. Depending on your company or organization culture, if the psychopath is revealed for his or her true nature, they may be fired or self-destruct in which case the need to communicate with them may be unnecessary.
In the rare case that you do find yourself having to work with a person like this your best recourse is to be clear about your own boundaries and attempt to communicate them to this person. For example, if this person tries to draw you into unethical behavior try a statement like “You can do that but please don’t involve me – that crosses the line for me.” It is highly unlikely that you will change their behaviors in any way but using clear, direct, and firm communication may save you from getting caught up in their deceitful ways. It may also be useful to avoid giving them any information that they can use to do harm to other coworker or the organization’s clients.
Conclusion
Ultimately, all of us find ourselves working with difficult people and personalities at some point during our career lives. By understanding what personality is and the common ones that cause difficulty within workplaces, you may be able to better navigate your work relationships and protect your own interests and well-being.
General Tips for Effective Communication with Difficult Workplace Personalities
Effective communication skills with difficult personalities should be used to make interactions go more smoothly. Never try to use these to change a coworker’s personality, as it will be wasted energy.
Try being flexible with your style of communication depending on the personalities that you deal with in your office (Hautala, 2006). Some adjustment on your part is a factor you can control and may help you connect better with a coworker that has a different personality and communication style than your own.
Consider the positive aspects of your coworkers personality (if you can identify any) and point these out during conversations in order to help communicate more effectively with them, especially when delivering criticisms.
Use direct yet tactful communication to help confront problems head on in your office and advocate for your personal rights and needs. Oftentimes, even the most difficult of personalities can surprise you if you give them the chance to understand how they’re behavior impacts you and other coworkers.
Never assume anything or jump to conclusions about a situation until you’ve had a chance to communicate directly with a difficult personality in your office or verify information. Just because a person is difficult to deal with it does not mean that your assumptions are a particular situation are 100% accurate every time.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-10-07 12:00:092021-10-07 12:00:0910 Difficult Workplace Personalities and How to Deal with Them
Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle
Most of us have that one boss we couldn’t stand to deal with. The problem is, many of us don’t have a choice when it comes to who we work with or work under. Unless you’re willing to jump ship and take on another job or career, you’ll likely be stuck working with that person for a long time.
Luckily, there are some strategies you can take to keep your workplace a positive place. In this article, we will share 10 tips on how to deal with a difficult boss.
If you’re just starting your job or have moved positions within the company, then it’s best to wait a few weeks before you classify your boss as being difficult. You may have just caught them on a bad day, near deadlines or when he has personal problems he’s dealing with.
Our bosses are human, too. Their mood can fluctuate depending on what’s going on in their professional and personal lives. If you’re too quick to jump the gun, you may have classified your boss as being bad before you’ve even given him a chance.
2 Try Using Your Strengths to Win Them Over
If you can’t leave the job, you might as well spend time trying to get your boss to like you. As long as they aren’t the type to hate everyone, chances are you can win them over. Demonstrate your best qualities and show them that you can shine in your current job position.
Try making the chain of command a bit easier on them by ensuring that everything is going smoothly on your end. By doing so, not only will you impress your boss, but you also won’t be blamed for any problems. Plus, if you continue doing a good job, you may also be up for promotions.
3 Use Patience and Act Professional
One of the most significant methods for dealing with a difficult boss is to learn how to be patient. Remember, you are in a workplace and you must keep your temper under control. You’ve got nothing to gain if you step out of line and could potentially lose your position.
If you’ve worked hard to get where you are now, there’s no point in throwing it all away for one minute of rage. Instead, focus on staying professional when you’re in the workplace. If there is any negativity, do your best to brush it off and focus on how you can solve that problem.
4 If All Else Fails, Request a Transfer
Don’t quit your job or get fired just because you and your boss don’t get along. If they are unreasonable and you’ve tried every other method to get things to work out, then you may need to try requesting a transfer. This ensures that you won’t lose out on a job, but you may be required to stay at your current job until the transfer is approved.
5 Keep a Record of Interactions and Conversations
There are two reasons you should keep a record of interactions with your boss.
The first is because you can use it to help improve your relationship with them. If you understand what ticks them off or see a pattern, you may be able to avoid specific tasks or behaviors that trigger them.
Secondly, you may also need them to report to HR. If your boss is being unreasonable and creating a negative workplace, you may be able to report them. You may not want to get your boss fired, but if they have superiors, it can improve your work environment if they are given a strike or warning.
6 Try and Understand Their Point of View
Learning to take a look from someone else’s position objectively can help you learn a lot about them. If you were in your boss’s situation, are there any things that may be causing them to act a certain way? If so, learning to empathize and understand their point of view can show how you can help and what to avoid.
Realize that your boss is doing their best to manage the people under them. If you’re in a large company, that could easily be more than a dozen people. When there’s an issue in the workplace, it can fall on the boss and lead the company to blame him instead of his underlings. Just as you are, your boss is also under a lot of pressure to do well and succeed.
7 Learning to Be One Step Ahead
It’s good to be one step ahead with deadlines and schedules to help prevent any backlash. Being fully prepared can not only impress your boss but can also help prevent them from finding fault in you or your work.
Always create reminders, events, and document schedules so that you can complete everything on time. The fewer times you miss anything important, the lower the chances of your boss getting upset with you individually.
8 Learn to Take Criticism
Whether it’s constructive criticism or just regular criticism, it’s best to get used to knowing how to handle it. If you lose your cool and end up saying something out of anger or rage, you’ll be labeled by your boss as being someone negative and can’t handle themselves.
Even if your boss is egging you on, always stay calm. It’s better to show that you’re a team player rather than someone who causes feuds in the workplace. However, if that “boss slandering employees” image that you see doesn’t help you, then you may need to seek guidance from your HR department.
9 Attempt to Work Around Them
If anything, you can attempt to work around them and try to complete your job as successful as possible. However, this approach doesn’t always work because if your boss is someone you directly report to.
By finding ways to work around and ease their workload, you may be helping them out in the long run. Support your boss in either place they struggle in or where there may be too much work for one person. Being able to help make their job easier by working around them may directly impact how they treat coworkers.
10 Tell Them
If you’ve tried every other method, then it may just be the time to be upfront and honest with them. Some bosses may not even know that they are coming off as being difficult. Being able to discuss their attitude professionally and how they treat people in the workplace may shift their day to day interactions with coworkers. We know it may be hard to learn how to have a difficult conversation with your boss.
However, this method only works if your boss is willing to change or is unaware that they are causing issues in the workplace. If they are simply rude and negative for no reason or due to personal matters, they may not change until things get better on their side. Although being honest is always the best route when you have tried all other methods.
Dealing with a narcissistic boss may be tiring and may make you hate your job. However, you shouldn’t let that discourage you from trying to make the workplace a better and more positive place to be. While we don’t guarantee that our tips work, they can help you make better decisions for improving boss and employee relationships.
Thomas is a passionate writer, psychologist, and amateur gambler. He distracts himself with mr.bet during breaks and does a great job at his job in HR. Thomas currently lives in Seattle
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-08-18 11:21:232021-08-18 11:21:2310 Helpful Tips On How to Deal With A Difficult Boss
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work. Dealing with difficult people is either easy or challenging for you depending on the type of difficult person and the situation you face.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you, gossiping about you, or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively—above the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and decide that nothing good will come from confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his or her desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, consider several more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.
How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself.
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions, for example?
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (All people do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.
Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you and your colleague agree that taking action will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion.
Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.
Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your manager.
What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Manager
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work, and your progress on projects. Tell your manager exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good manager is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his or her manager into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the manager that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than they had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your manager. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is a viable option in some circumstances.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.
The Bottom Line
If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-08-12 07:39:592021-08-12 07:39:59How to Deal With Difficult People at Work
We all have difficult people in our life who drives us nuts! They are annoying, frustrating, and exhausting—but I have some ways to help you deal with them.
Here are some ideas for how you can handle the difficult person in your life:
1. Identify the 4 Types
There are 4 different types of difficult people. Think about the person in your life and figure out which category they are in:
Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
Better Thans also are known as Know It Alls, One Uppers or Show-Offs. They like to try impressing you, name-dropping and comparing.
Passives also are known as Push-Overs, Yes Men and Weaklings. They don’t contribute much to conversations or people around them and let others do the hard work.
Tanks also are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do anything to get it.
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2. Don’t Try Changing Them
When we meet a difficult person, or if we have one in our family or circle of friends, our instinct is to try changing them. We try to encourage Downers to be more positive, Passives to stand up for themselves, Tanks to calm down, and Better Thans to be more humble. This never works! In fact, when you try to change someone they tend to resent you, dig in their heels, and get worse.
3. Try Understanding Them
The way to disengage a difficult person is to try understanding where they are coming from. I try to find their value language. A value language is what someone values most. It is what drives their decisions. For some people it is money; for others, it is power or knowledge. This not only helps me understand them, but also helps them relax and become more open-minded. For example, sometimes Tanks just want to explain their opinion. If you let them talk to you, that might help them not blow up or try dominating a situation.
4. Don’t Let Them Be Toxic
Some difficult people can be toxic. Toxic people can be passive-aggressive, mean, or hurtful. So, if you have to deal with them, you can understand where they are coming from, and then keep your distance. Toxic relationships are harmful. So, you need to create a buffer zone by surrounding yourself with good friends, seeing them less, and, if you have to be with them, doing it for the minimum amount of time.
ABOUT VANESSA VAN EDWARDS
Vanessa Van Edwards is a national best selling author & founder at Science of People. Her groundbreaking book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People has been translated into more than 16 languages. As a recovering awkward person, Vanessa helps millions find their inner charisma. She regularly leads innovative corporate workshops and helps thousands of individual professionals in her online program People School. Vanessa works with entrepreneurs, growing businesses, and trillion dollar companies; and has been featured on CNN, BBC, CBS, Fast Company, Inc., Entrepreneur Magazine, USA Today, the Today Show and many more.
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-07-21 08:02:572021-07-21 08:02:574 Types of Difficult People and How to Deal With Them
The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.
E + R = 0
Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…
Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?
The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.
Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.
Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.
Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace
For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.
1. The Anxious
These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.
These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.
3. The Negative-Minded
These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.
These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.
5. The Hostile
These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.
6. The Blamer
These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.
Dealing with them:
To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.
7. The Staller
These people are bound to make a commitment.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.
8. The Perfectionist
These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.
9. The Overly Agreeable
These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.
10. The Gossip
These people talk about other people behind their backs
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.
Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work
Here is the most interesting thing…
Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.
When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.
For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.
Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.
2. Listen to Others
Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.
When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.
To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.
So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.
3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:
Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion
Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.
4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.
If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.
When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.
Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.
So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
5. Not to Take Anything Personally
In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.
Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.
Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.
When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.
To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.
7. Use Appropriate Humor
Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.
Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.
Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting
The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.
8. Introspect and Take Responsibility
Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.
When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.
Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.
If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?
Why I ‘m feeling this way? Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person? You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.
9. Build a Rapport
Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.
When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.
Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.
So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.
10. Keep Your Power
Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief
When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.
When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.
So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.
11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger
Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.
When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.
So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.
12. Speak with the Person Directly
Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.
When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.
If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.
The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.
I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.
When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.
Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.
This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.
14. Don’t Gossip
Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.
They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.
They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.
If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.
So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.
15. Pick Your Battles Carefully
Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.
No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battleswisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.
Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.
The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.
Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.
16. Understand Other Person’s Perception
Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.
For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.
This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.
This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.
The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.
Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.
18. Treat the Person with Respect
Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.
Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.
Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.
When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.
You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.
So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?
Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.
19. Be Professional
Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.
Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.
Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.
Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.
20. Keep a Healthy Distance
When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.
Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
21. Don’t act Defensively
When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.
Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.
There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.
So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.
22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate
Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.
If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.
Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”
Conclusion
Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them
Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.
If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.
Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.
I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-07-07 11:54:332021-07-07 11:54:3322 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
What constitutes bad behavior in the workplace? Let’s look at an example.
Ian’s an engineer in the aerospace industry. He’s exceptionally knowledgeable, and puts in long hours working on his projects. But his manner with his colleagues is curt, to say the least. For several years this hasn’t overly upset other members of his team – an easy-going bunch who’ve just accepted his lack of people skills. They’ve generally shrugged off Ian’s comments, saying things like “Ah, that’s just Ian, don’t mind him.”
However, in the past year, a couple of team members have moved on. One of their replacements has now been off sick with stress for six weeks, and he’s citing Ian’s frequent unpleasant comments as the cause. As a result, the team is behind on an important project.
A year ago, Ian was making a valuable contribution to the team, but now he’s the cause of various problems. Yet, he’s not actually doing anything different. So was he – and is he – behaving badly?
Clearly, any definition of “bad” behavior depends on the context. We can’t just say “cursing can never be tolerated” or “moaning about the boss at the water cooler is always fine”. Instead, we need a reliable method of assessing whether a particular behavior is or is not acceptable, which we can apply to any situation. Using a test like this will help all of those involved to understand why a particular behavior is unacceptable, and this in turn should play an important role in encouraging everyone to stamp it out.
Please note that this article is about behavior that is legal, but questionable, and which is not covered by existing organizational policies or by established professional ethics. By contrast, illegal behavior, such as discrimination, is clearly never acceptable. If faced with such a situation, you may want to read the Mind Tools article on Whistleblowing
How Can “Bad Behavior” Be Defined?
J Richard Hackman, in his book “Leading Teams,” observes that effective teams:
Deliver outputs that are at the very least acceptable to the client (internal or external).
Work together in such a way that they remain a cohesive group in the long term.
Are made up of individuals who benefit from being part of the team.
Our definition of “bad behavior” comes not from what an individual person does or doesn’t do, but from the overall impact that their behavior has on the team’s mission and on its effectiveness. Almost all work is done by teams, so anything that harms their output is by definition unacceptable.
Applying the definitions above, we can conclude that behavior at work is “bad” if it does any one or more of the following things:
Harms the team’s ability to deliver to its client.
Damages the cohesion of the team.
Has an unnecessary adverse impact on one or more individuals within the team.
Applying these criteria to our initial example, we can say that Ian’s behavior has become unacceptable because it’s harming the team’s ability to deliver, by causing one member to be off sick long term and thus reducing capacity. It’s also obviously having an unnecessary adverse impact on that individual.
A less contentious issue might involve a computer programmer who listens to music with earbuds
while working. Most of her day is spent concentrating exclusively on the code she’s writing, so this doesn’t directly harm the team’s ability to deliver, and it’s not having an adverse impact on anyone else.
But it does arguably damage the coherence of the team. By wearing her headphones, the programmer is isolating herself from those around her. She doesn’t hear work-related discussions that her colleagues are having, and she doesn’t get involved in any of the office banter that goes on even in conscientious, hard-working groups. As a result, her colleagues aren’t enthusiastic about helping her out when she has a problem which needs their input. So, in fact, her music habit could legitimately be labeled “bad behavior”, albeit very mild. (However, this has to be balanced against a possible loss of productivity if she struggles to concentrate…)
On the other hand, having clear tests helps you identify what’s not bad behavior. Taking a possibly controversial example, perhaps one of your team members comes in one morning with extensive body piercing, or highly visible tattoos. If this doesn’t upset the team’s client, doesn’t affect the team’s delivery, and doesn’t excessively upset other team members (tolerance of others being a necessary quality within a team), then is this really a problem?
The Impact of Bad Behavior
At a personal level, you can suffer negative effects from someone else’s bad behavior, even if you’re not the direct target.
At an organizational level, bad behavior can have a tangible impact on profitability. Missed objectives and declining productivity mean diminished profitability. You may find that you face increased sick days, as team members try to escape the bad behavior, or are sucked into it. Another possible consequence may be higher staff turnover, with all of the cost and time involved in hiring and training new people.
For a discussion on some of the more extreme forms of bad behavior and their consequences, see the Mind Tools article on Bullying in the Workplace.
The Danger of Denial
People often try to rationalize bad behavior, rather than confront it. They pretend that it isn’t happening, convince themselves that it’s not important, or believe that it will sort itself out. This is dangerous. Someone who’s deliberately behaving badly can be emboldened by such a lack of resistance, and become even more obnoxious. And, by giving rapid feedback to someone who’s not aware that they’re behaving badly, you can ‘nip problems in the bud’ before they become severe and habitual.
Using the guidelines above helps to remove doubt about the issue. While different teams may well have different standards and expectations about behavior, within a given context you can judge whether behavior is bad or not, and act appropriately.
Dealing With It
While denial is not a solution, emotional outbursts in public, on the other hand, are rarely helpful. When you need to address bad behavior, find somewhere away from other members of the team where you can ask the perceived offender to discuss the incident or issue with you.
Be ready to:
Make a brief, factual summary of what happened.
Explain what you feel to be the negative impact.
Describe how the incident made you, or one of your team members, feel (frustrated or disappointed, for example).
State how you would like to see that behavior modified, and agree some targets if appropriate.
Make sure you stay calm and objective, and be ready to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember that bad behavior can be a reaction to deeper, underlying problems, and allowing these to surface can solve all sorts of issues. Have a look at the Mind Tools article on Dealing with Difficult People for further ideas on how to handle such a situation.
Team Leader Options
Team leaders may attempt to address mild instances of bad behavior, or poor interpersonal skills, by working with the team member concerned, with a view to achieving realistic soft skill targets. This helps you to continue working with the team member, and to continue to take advantage of the specific skills and positive traits that brought this person into the team in the first place.
Where such training is not practical, or is rejected, team leaders can try to manage round the problem, either by putting the person in a form of “quarantine”, so that they effectively work in isolation, or by using strong managerial control. However, neither possibility leaves much room for maximizing the benefit of team working.
Managers and Other Role Models
Be alert to the fact that there’s always a risk that people start to see certain types of bad behavior as being career-enhancing, taking badly behaved individuals as role models. This can happen when managers themselves exhibit bad behavior, or when they are seen to promote someone who does.
If managers “practice what they preach” and take a visible stance against bad behavior, this will already go a long way to minimizing such problems within an organization.
Different Is Not Necessarily Bad
Finally, bear in mind that perceptions of what constitutes acceptable behavior may need to evolve as the composition of a team changes and develops. Perhaps a team member has started asking questions in meetings which have been traditionally used by the team leader to rubber stamp decisions. It would be a mistake to consider this “bad” behavior if, for example, “team cohesion” has actually just become an alias for groupthink. Having a colleague challenge “groupthink” in this way can benefit everyone by stimulating the creativity and effectiveness of the team.
Key Points
It’s important to recognize when bad behavior is taking place. Left unchecked, it can have a negative impact on both people and profitability. The three rules we’ve outlined will help you to quickly and effectively assess behavior, in terms of its impact on team deliverables, cohesion and individual members.
If it’s judged to be unacceptable, the first move should be to have a private discussion with the person who’s behaved badly. Talk about what’s happened, the impact it’s having, and how to improve things. And, while it’s vital to ensure any bad behavior is both detected and resolved, it’s also key to set a good example yourself, especially if you’re a manager.
Apply This to Your Life
The next time something strikes you as constituting bad behavior, you’ll need to assess whether it’s just different from what you would do, or whether it really is detrimental. Apply the three tests before doing anything else. For example, you might find listening to the radio in your office very distracting, but you need to recognize that it may well help your colleagues in the warehouse get through their day, as they do routine stock-picking or packing.
A warning: as a manager, you also need to be alert to behavior that on the face of it seems acceptable, but which, on inspection, is breaking one of the three rules. Having keen soccer fans in the department, with friendly rivalry between supporters of different clubs, might seem good for bonding and team interaction. However, if it turns out that team cohesion is being damaged by the presence of conflicting “soccer clans”, then they’re behaving badly and the problem needs to be addressed.
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https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-06-23 09:14:572021-06-23 09:14:57Bad Behavior at Work Using Clear Criteria to Identify and Deal With Offenders
Lizz Schumer is the senior editor for Good Housekeeping, and also contributes to Woman’s Day, and Prevention, covering pets, culture, lifestyle, books, and entertainment.
The coworker who always has to one-up everyone else. That friend who’s consistently 30 or more minutes late to every happy hour. Those relatives who never have anything positive to say about anyone (including each other). We all have difficult personalities to deal with, but how you handle them can make or break those relationships.
We asked experts to share the best way to approach these challenging types, and two overarching themes rose to the top: Intention and compassion. Spending a little time planning out what you want to say, goes a long way to setting both of you up for success. And especially if your last nerve has been stretched thinner than a New York-style pizza, it’s important to realize that the person who’s getting on it deserves respect too. “You can have compassion for somebody and expect them to do better. Those things are not mutually exclusive,” explains Julie Fogh, co-founder of speech and communications company Vital Voice Training.
Here are tried-and-true techniques for dealing with difficult people straight from the experts, without making those interactions even more difficult than they need to be.
First, devise a game plan.
Before you talk to someone who really grinds your gears, identify your reasons for speaking out. Do you just want to get your frustration off your chest, or do you hope the other person will change something about their behavior? “Setting intentions can really change whether the communication will land or not,” Fogh explains.
he way you engage in the conversation can make a difference in how it goes, too. “You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, M.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.
People who irritate us often have something to show us about ourselves, according to Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. Maybe your chronically late friend makes you realize how often you’re running a little behind, or you secretly wish you could be as laid-back as the coworker who never carries her weight. Taking a good, hard look at your own behavior and what motivates your frustration can take away some of its power, and even keep you from flying off the handle when you do have the discussion.
“If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control.
Keep it all in perspective.
“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.” Remember: Chances are, you’re someone else’s “difficult person.”
To keep your cool, relationship and life coach Chuck Rockey suggests remembering that behind every complaint, there’s a desire. Sometimes, asking that person who won’t stop bellyaching what they really want can give you some valuable insight.
When dealing with a difficult personality, try to really focus on the person and let them know they’re seen and heard, adds Vital Voice Training co-founder Casey Erin Clark. “It’s an incredibly disarming thing, especially if you’re feeling upset. Not managing their emotions, but just saying I can see you,” she says. It’s easy to get so focused on what you want to tell someone, that you stop listening to what they bring to the table. Instead, actively focus on the person in front of you.
Choose your approach.
Armed with your insights, you need to decide how to confront the person. Rockey emphasizes the importance of treating the other person with respect and keeping yourself from getting defensive. That will just escalate the conversation, and yelling never solves anything. While there’s often no good time for this kind of chat, try to pick a time when neither of you are engaged in a stressful project. And never confront your annoying coworker in front of others unless you need a mediator for your own safety.
“It’s important to realize that it’s your perception that the person isn’t listening or communicating well. The other person may not view the situation the same way,” explains executive coach, social worker, and human behavior professor Melody J. Wilding, LMSW. “Make sure that you’re carrying yourself in a way that commands respect. I find that many people unknowingly undermine themselves when they speak by over-apologizing and using qualifiers.”
Women, in particular, tend to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations and talk around the issue instead of facing it head-on. Fogh and Clark point out that we often go out of our way to avoid making someone else uncomfortable. But one awkward conversation can prevent lots of consternation down the road. It can help to focus on the issue, not the person’s character. That centers the conversation on a problem you can work together to solve, instead of coming off as an attack.
Know when to call it.
Part of figuring out how to handle difficult people is knowing when a discussion has gone from productive to toxic. “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” Fogh and Clark also recommend knowing your own body’s warning signs. Some people freeze up when they start losing control of a conversation. Others get butterflies or start feeling hot around the collar. When that happens and you can’t have a dispassionate discussion, it’s time to walk away and try again another time.
Resist the urge to get into the blame game. “I think often the place where conversations go off the rails is when someone puts intentions on an action,” Clark says. Then, you end up arguing over what each person meant, rather than what actually went down. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.'”
Decide when to drop the issue.
There’s a difference between behavior that meaningfully impacts your ability to live or work with someone and a personality quirk that drives you batty, but won’t ruin your life. “When difficult coworkers cross the line into bullying, it’s time to raise the issue to management or even human resources,” Wilding notes. If the issue impacts your reputation or your ability to do your job, then it’s time to escalate. But sometimes, you’ve got to live and let live.
Sometimes, power dynamics prevent us from solving communication issues or our workplaces are entrenched in systems designed to keep them from getting resolved. “The reality of the world of communication is that certain people can behave in ways that other people can’t get away with,” Fogh adds. “Women and people of color have different expectations of how they’re allowed to show up in the world. And those communication choices are not always going to land. They’re not always going to be appropriate. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess this up. But it’s the act of choosing that is empowerment.”
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-06-14 13:34:502021-06-14 13:34:50How to Deal with Difficult People: 5 Steps to Keep You Sane
Dealing with difficult behaviour can be challenging for both the recipient and the person displaying the behaviour.
When at work, we may come across challenging behaviour from a number of sources – our colleagues, our manager, our customers or suppliers. Consequently, how you manage the difficult behaviour, may be slightly different dependent upon the context of the situation. For example, if you are dealing with a customer’s difficult behaviour, you may find our tips on handling complaints helpful.
Simply by following these ten guiding principles will help you overcome many of these daily challenges:
1. Appreciate and adjust
Ask yourself why this person may be behaving this way and is this typical or out of character. If you do wish to respond to the behaviour, adjust your frame of mind to one that is positive and focused on helping them and you move forward.
2. Build rapport and empathy
Show some empathy and understanding appropriate to their behaviour and ‘state’ of mind. For example, if someone is angry, you can calm him or her down by simply lowering your voice. However, responding back in anger is only going to inflame the situation!
3. Change the environment
Try physically moving away from the current environment, moving chairs, or giving the person space and time. As a result, the situation will tend to calm down and the negative, or difficult behaviour, you are experiencing will subside.
4. Defuse the emotion first
It is advisable to defuse the emotion before addressing the root cause of the behaviour. For example, if the person is angry or upset, they are unlikely to respond as rationally and calmly as you need them to, to get to the root of the reason for their behaviour.
5. Explore the root cause of behaviour
Ask them open questions such as:
“What has led you to feeling this way?”
“What are your real concerns about this situation?”
Then actively listen, summarise and reflect back their comments to check out your understanding of what they are telling you. As well as calming the situation, this will also help them recognise that you are listening to them and taking them seriously.
6. Focus on the future outcome wanted
Focusing on a positive outcome will address their root concerns and ultimately change their challenging behaviour to be more amenable and positive. In addition, check along the way that you have a clear understanding of the outcome they are seeking.
If you are not clear, ask them:
“What would help us move forward”, Or, alternatively…
“What would make the situation better”
Adopting this strategy will help them consider and convey what they want or need. As well as this, it will help the person move on from focusing purely on the past or the negative aspects of a situation.
7. Develop an agreed solution
The agreed solution will be one that both you and the person view as a win/win outcome. Alternatively, you may reach a compromised solution that satisfies the main elements or issues in a constructive way.
8. Highlight agreement and next steps
Reaffirm your commitment to addressing the person’s concerns or needs. In addition, provide assurance that you have effectively addressed the issue in full. Thank the person for bringing the matter to your attention.
9. Inform others where appropriate
Inform others of the situation or issue to ensure no future misunderstanding occurs, or problems re-surface. Obviously, where difficult behaviour has occurred due to personal issues, it may not be appropriate to inform or share information with others. If you commit to retaining confidentiality, your credibility in dealing with the difficult behaviour and relationships in general will be at risk, as well as the original trust in the relationship.
10. Judge your success and learning
Ask yourself what you have learnt from this situation, what you did well and what you might do differently next time. Every experience in dealing with difficult behaviour will be slightly different, so your ability to adapt to the person and the context of the situation will be vital. There is always something new to learn.
Finally, before implementing any of the above strategies for dealing with difficult behaviour at work, we first need to ‘take a step back’ and think for a moment. In particular, review your own perception and thought processes around the behaviour. Ask yourself “why do we find this behaviour difficult?”
Being clear of your purpose or reason for changing the behaviour is important, as it keeps you focused at all times.
About the Author
Kim Larkins, MCIPD is Company Founder of KSL Training. Kim has 30 years training and HR management experience in the Retail, Hospitality and Pharmaceutical industry.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-05-27 11:37:072021-05-27 11:37:07Dealing with Difficult Behaviour
Almost everyone has to work with a challenging coworker at some point in their career. Getting along with this person is an important part of developing your conflict resolution skills and learning to overcome adversity. As you learn how to work around their quirks or difficult behaviors, you can focus more on your own work and coworkers you enjoy. In this article, we share how to deal with a difficult coworker.
The importance of knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker
Knowing how to deal with a difficult coworker is an important life skill. Although you may enjoy many of the people you work with, you should know how to work with people you find difficult. Learning how to manage conflicts can help you maintain a more harmonious work environment. As you learn to accept or confront their behaviors, you can begin to focus on yourself and those you enjoy more.
Follow these 12 steps to handle a difficult coworker:
1. Learn to voice your thoughts
If your coworker is making it difficult for you to feel comfortable at work, it may be time to confront the situation. When sharing how they make you feel, use “I” language so they better understand your perspective. Using “you” language may make it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. Here are a few examples of “I” versus “you” language:
“I feel upset when you talk to me that way.” vs. “You always say the wrong things.”
“I would like you to treat our team with respect.” vs. “You only care about yourself.”
“I find that your behavior makes it hard for me to focus.” vs. “The way you act is irritating.”
Sometimes getting to know your challenging coworker’s perspective can make it easier to get along with them. After getting to know them better, you may realize that their background and life experiences shape their behavior and point of voice. Although you deserve to be treated with respect, this insight may help you understand the way they see things.
3. Focus on your positive relationships
Rather than dwelling on this coworker, shift your focus to those you enjoy being around. Make an effort to form positive relationships with your other coworkers. Casual conversations with uplifting people throughout the day can make you feel happier at work. Consider asking one of your favorite coworkers to do something fun outside of work.
4. Talk to your supervisor
When this person begins to break company policies or is negatively impacting your work, it may be time to bring up the issue to your supervisor or human resources department. Document this coworker’s adverse behaviors so you have proof of what they have been doing. Your supervisor or human resources department is supposed to find ways to resolve this conflict and make you feel safe and respected at work.
5. Accept their personality
You may find that this coworker isn’t doing anything wrong, but you simply don’t enjoy their personality. This is a normal part of life, as you find people you enjoy and people you want to avoid. Learn to accept that you need to get along with this person. Try to find things you enjoy about their personality and give them a chance to show their good side.
6. Stay neutral at work
If other coworkers are talking about this person, keep your opinions to yourself. Remaining neutral is how you can help maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If you must talk about this person, save it for a friend or family member who is not connected to your work. Save your energy at work for discussing positive things about others.
Limiting the amount of time you spend with this coworker can help you cope with the situation. You may find that you can handle them in small doses. At lunch or during meetings, stay by coworkers who you find kind and uplifting. When limiting your interactions, make it subtle in order to be mindful of their feelings.
8. Be the better person
Even if this person acts unprofessionally, it’s important that you have the skills to be the better person. By continuing to treat others with kindness and respect, you’re showing that you are the more mature person in this situation. It’s best to deal with these kinds of conflicts in private rather than bringing other coworkers into it.
9. Know your trigger points
Reflect on which behaviors of theirs you find the most challenging. This way, if they begin to exhibit these actions, you can immediately remove yourself from the situation. This technique can help you stay calm and collected at work. Focus directing your energy and passion toward things that really matter.
10. Focus on the positive
Though it may be easy to focus on this coworker, direct your attention to what you love about your job. This may be your other coworkers, the actual work you do or your job’s perks. Being grateful for the good things in your life can make this one challenging part seem smaller.
11. Reflect on your own actions
While thinking about this coworker, think about the way you act toward them. You may find that you both have developed a feedback loop of behavior. Be the person who breaks this loop and try treating them with kindness for a change. You may find that they return the kindness, and you both can move forward.
Everyone has their own things to deal with, which could explain the way your coworker acts. Try to show empathy and compassion as you get to know this person better. You may find that if you were in their situation that you would act similarly.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-02-25 09:56:262021-02-25 09:56:2612 Ways to Deal With a Difficult Coworker
Editor’s note: Although some of these ideas may seem obvious, you are bound to find a helpful tip.
In order to maintain a high level of productivity, a positive work environment is absolutely essential. Although many aspects of the workplace are completely under your control, there will be occasions when you are essentially helpless, and the only control you have is how you REACT to a specific situation.
It is these occasions that typify what has been called “drama,” and by that, I mean the bad kind of drama. While other types of drama–for example, the high school variety — can be fun in a guilty pleasure kind of way, nobody likes drama at work. It only causes problems and can eventually lead to you or someone else getting terminated. The following are 16 potential drama-causing work situations, and what you can do to effectively extinguish them.
1. A co-worker has the annoying habit of [blank] and you can’t stand it anymore.
Drama potential: Obsessively clicking pens. Playing music too loudly. Chewing gum like a cow munching on grass. They may seem like small habits, but they become unnerving when you have to put up with it all for eight hours or more on a daily basis. If you keep it all in, you may just lose it.
How to avoid: Before asking your co-worker to stop a certain behavior, make sure that you aren’t guilty of something as annoying yourself. This is a good time to practice gratitude for the things you do like about your co-worker. This can be hard, but it’s a really powerful exercise. Just thinking of something small that you do like can help you be a little more compassionate toward them. Sometimes our co-workers are having a bad day and they fall back into annoying habits. You will probably be in a similar position someday soon and we want people to be compassionate with you. Also, see what you can do block out the habit that annoys you. Invest in headphones, and try to focus on something else. If you really can’t put up with, then politely ask your co-worker to refrain. Tell them that you get easily distracted. Above all, be nice about it.
2. You suspect someone in the office is working against you.
Drama potential: Your paranoia gets the better of you. You’re put in defensive mode, and you begin actively working against the purported offender.
How to avoid: While there will always be the hyper-competitive co-worker, most people are not out to get you. Recognize that, and half the problem is gone. Dealing with the obnoxiously competitive worker can be accomplished by simply doing your assigned work the best you can. The only one who you are really competing against is yourself, and others will notice when you step up your work goals and accomplishments without stepping over others.
3. A co-worker tries to engage you in a heated religious or political conversation.
Drama potential: Politics and religion are almost always a big no-no in the workplace. Controversial conversations can quickly turn into animosity. Someone may feel offended and can rightfully complain to management.
How to avoid: Just don’t talk about religion or politics. If someone asks for your opinion, try to steer the conversation elsewhere, or laugh it off and say something neutral.
4. A co-worker or superior makes an inappropriate physical advance.
Drama potential: Similar to the broken office romance–but with potentially more nasty consequences–the unwanted pass can spawn gossip, discomfort, or even personal danger.
How to avoid: This situation needs to be dealt with early and quickly. Do not ignore sexual advances and assume that they will go away. First, tell the perpetrator–in private–that you aren’t interested, that you feel uncomfortable, and that you want his or her behavior to stop. Make sure he or she knows that you will file an official complaint if the behavior continues. This will almost always do the trick. If it’s your boss who’s doing it, consult with HR.
5. A co-worker incites you to participate in nasty office gossip.
Drama potential: Participating in gossip may be tempting, but it’s almost always ill-advised. The problem with gossip is its potential to hurt others’ feelings and lose others’ trust. When you participate in gossip, you run the risk of alienating the people with whom you work.
How to avoid: Stay away from notorious gossips. When someone tries to share office gossip with you, try changing the conversation, or simply tell them that you don’t like talking about others because you don’t like it when people talk about you. I also suggest you keep a gratitude journal. It will help put things in perspective when your anger is boiling over.
6. Someone is stealing your food from the refrigerator.
Drama Potential: The stealing becomes habitual. You decide to let it slide. You go hungry and resentment builds. Confrontation ensues.
How to avoid: Put your food in some sort of container, and make sure to label it with your name. If it keeps happening, ask, in a non-accusatory manner, if anyone has seen your food items. This usually does the trick. If all else fails, you can always purchase a small personal fridge and keep it under your desk.
7. It’s the company Christmas party, and you want to enjoy yourself.
Drama potential: You have too much to drink, and you make a fool of yourself. You offend others, spill secrets, or act inappropriately or aggressively. You think letting loose during social events can’t hurt? Think again. An acquaintance of mine actually got fired after an embarrassing Christmas party incident. Don’t let that be you.
How to avoid: If you can’t hold your alcohol, simply don’t drink, or drink very slowly.
8. You need a break and want to surf the Internet.
Drama Potential: You begin using your personal e-mail, social networking sites, and other entertainment sites. Before you know it, you’re surfing as you would be surfing at home, sending profanity-filled messages, and watching inappropriate videos.
How to Avoid: Most employers understand the need to take a break, and it’s probably okay that your computer screen isn’t always reflecting your work assignments. Still, keep personal Internet surfing to a minimum. You can also try writing in your journal. It helps calm you, so you are making good choices instead of letting your emotions push you around. You don’t want to write emails that you wouldn’t read to the whole office. And whatever you do, keep it clean. Rule of thumb: If your grade school teacher would object, then it‘s not okay.
9. A supervisor entrusts you with a secret, and you gab to just one “trusted” friend.
Drama Potential: You tell one person, and you ask them not to tell anyone else. Of course, the person you told will do the same–tell one or two people, thinking the buck will stop there. Well, it never stops, and that’s how gossip gets so out-of-control in the first place. As with widespread gossip, telling one little secret has the potential to hurt others, perpetrate lies, and to make matters worse, you’ll lose your credibility.
How to avoid: If someone tells you something in private, assume it’s meant to be kept between you two. It may just be that a supervisor is letting you in to see how well he or she can trust you. Don’t blow it.
10. You get romantically involved with someone else at work.
Drama potential: The happy couple breaks up, leaving the office environment tense. People feel forced to take sides, perhaps even harassment charges are filed.
How to avoid: Try your best not to get involved with someone at the office. If it does happen, then be professional about it. Hold off on the PDA until after 5. If your relationship dissolves, do not talk about it openly with others. Try to be civil during office hours. If you absolutely feel that you can‘t, ask a supervisor if you can be transferred to a different area of the office, where you won’t be confronted with the ex. While it can be difficult to deny an obvious attraction or connection with a co-worker, most office relationships are simply not worth the drama that they can cause.
11. Your boss overloads you with tasks that aren’t in your work description.
Drama potential: At first it starts out with little things, like “Do you mind doing [insert boss’s task here]?” Eventually, you become your boss’s slave.
How to avoid: Of course, most employees have a strong desire to please their superiors. But bosses aren’t perfect, and there’s nothing worse than having to take on two jobs but getting paid for only one. Sometimes, you just have to learn to say no. Meet with the boss to review your work description. If it becomes an ongoing problem, go to HR. You also need to take breaks. You can go for a walk around the office or go visit a friend.
12. You’re asked to work on a collaborative project with co-workers with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye.
Drama potential: Group projects can be trying because in order for a group to work effectively, there needs to be a good mix of leadership, people willing to take direction, and so on. Most of the time, groups aren’t formed on such a basis, so there will always be group members butting heads. Sometimes group disagreement can escalate to extreme levels.
How to avoid: If you know from beforehand that you cannot work with a certain co-worker, see if you can apportion certain tasks to each person, then meet only to put the separate parts of the project together.
13. A very significant event occurred in your personal life.
Drama potential: You just got married. Of course, we want to share significant events with all of those who are close to us, and that includes people at work. But think before you speak–a small conversation communicating your excitement can easily turn in to an annoying fixation such that no one ever wants to hear you talk ever again.
How to avoid: Don’t become the annoyingly solipsistic loudmouth at work. Keep talk of your personal life to a minimum.
14. You’ve had an argument with a co-worker, and you know you’re right.
Drama potential: Even though you may be right all of the time, when there are unresolved issues among co-workers, everyone suffers. Refusing to apologize after an argument only keeps the cycle of workplace tension going.
How to avoid: Even if you are right, simply apologize. It is just as important to keep your boss happy as it is to be able to work well with your co-workers. Pride does not belong at work. I also suggest thinking about how silly the situation is. We get so caught up in our ego that we forget that we all struggle. We need to be able to laugh at the situation and not take it too seriously.
15. A colleague or supervisor is doing something wrong, and you want to complain to the company chief.
Drama potential: When something in the workplace is awry, sometimes your first instinct is to take your complaint to the top of the chain of command. Corporate hierarchy is the name of the game with most companies, so if you skip too many levels, you may end up aggravating many who work above you.
How to avoid: Make complaints only to your direct supervisor, and address your complaint as a “concern,” especially if the wrongdoing doesn’t directly involve you. If it is your supervisor who’s at fault, then talk only to his direct supervisor.
16. Work is tough, and you have a desire to vent.
Drama potential: What starts out as innocent venting about the trials of work can turn into full-blown complaining. A constant whiner will not only get a bad reputation at work, but he will also foster a very negative work environment. This slows productivity. And people will eventually have only you to complain about.
How to deal with it: While there’s always a need to vent about your boss, or about your work assignments, don’t take it too far. It’s important to share with our c0-workers, but we can’t let the anger overtake our thoughts and emotions. You need to practice being aware of these emotions by understanding and working with your inner dialogue. The more you practice the easier it gets to be constructive with your dialogue instead of just unloading on your co-worker.
This guest post is contributed by Katheryn Rivas, who writes on the topics of online universities accredited . She welcomes your comments at her email Id: katherynrivas87 (AT) gmail (DOT) com.
If you struggle with difficult office situations then it’s important that you work on your mindset at work. The more you can be aware and see your patterns that cause you to struggle with stress and relationships at work, the easier it gets to improve your career and enjoy your work. I suggest you start with a 30 Day Gratitude Challenge. It will help you understand your mindset and begin to rewire how you handle situations at work. The cool part is you get a community to help support you on your journey.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Difficult-Co-Workers-.png194300Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2021-01-28 12:23:302021-01-28 12:23:3016 Difficult Office Situations and How to Deal With Them
Focused on connecting all professionals to economic opportunity
November 4, 2019
We all spend a lot of time each week with our colleagues, and, well, some of them aren’t so easy to work with.
What’s the secret to dealing with them? In his LinkedIn Learning course appropriately named Dealing with Difficult People, Instructor Chris Croft gives an in-depth overview of how to best work with difficult colleagues.
We picked three of the most frustrating and common colleagues to work with – the procrastinator, the negative colleague and the outright aggressive colleague – and shared Croft’s playbook for best working with them.
Let’s take them one-by-one:
1. How to Best Work With a Colleague Who Loves to Procrastinate
LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a colleague who loves to procrastinate.
Working with the procrastinator can be frustrating, as they generally are nice people. But their constant delays or indecision hold back projects.
So you stew in anger, silently.
How to best work with them: Croft gave five tactics that inspire procrastinators into action. They are:
Remind them time is scarce. Tell them you need a decision by the end of the week to hit your deadline, for example.
Set a time limit. Similar to the last point, tell the procrastinator they need to make a decision in a set amount of time or else it can no longer happen. For example, say you need their approval on a time-sensitive campaign within three days – or else the campaign can’t happen.
Make it affect them. This works with customers and third-parties particularly well. Say you need an agency to get back to you in two days, tell them you’ll withhold payment if they don’t come through. Or, with a customer, tell them you can give them a lower price, but only if they decide by the end of the week.
Offer to help them. Give the procrastinator help, at least at the start to get them going. Say you need them to execute a campaign you are running – help them in the beginning set the scope of the campaign.
Agree on a plan. When giving the procrastinator an assignment, agree to a deadline with them at the start. Then, as that deadline approaches, it’s fair to check in to see how progress is going. This usually compels them into action.
Another option? Tell the procrastinator they indeed procrastinate. What’s key here is to have specific examples of the times they missed deadlines and how that’s affected both the organization and yourself.
Often, just raising the awareness of the issue will correct it, so long as it’s done respectfully.
2. How to Best Work With a Negative Colleague
LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a negative colleague.
There’s always one of these in the office. Your company could have a record quarter, and they point out how this will just mean higher forecasts. Or, you throw a birthday party for a colleague, and they remind everyone they are on a diet and can’t eat the cake.
Not exactly a ray of sunshine.
How to best work with them: The first question you need to ask yourself when dealing with a negative person is – does it matter? Sure, they are negative and that can be irritating, but does that really have to affect you?
Hopefully, it doesn’t; you can know that’s how they are, accept them and move on. Or, if you truly find it too irritating to be around, you can avoid them. A third option – use their negativity as a virtue, as they sometimes can be useful playing the role of devil’s advocate, pointing out flaws others would miss.
But say that’s not possible and their negativity is causing your work to suffer. One thing you can do is bring their negativity to their attention.
Say they are trashing a new initiative by the company, for example. Ask them – thanks for the negatives, but do you see any benefits to it?
Or, inspire them to think of solutions, instead of complaints. Tell them the objective and have them create a plan to achieve it. This requires more productive thinking and gets them in a more can-do frame of mind.
3. How to Best Work With an Aggressive Colleague
LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with an overly aggressive colleague.
These people can be exhausting – they want things their way, on their timeline and seemingly nothing is ever good enough. Unfortunately, these people tend to gravitate to positions of power as well, which only exasperates the problem.
How to deal with them: There are two options: one is learning to deal with them (which is often necessary if they are your boss or a customer), and one is trying to change them. Croft gave tips for each.
Let’s start with how to deal with them. Croft suggested using these three techniques:
Detach. Realize an aggressive person is aggressive because that’s their nature, it’s got nothing to do with you. So, if they yell at you or try to belittle you, remember: their aggression is a reflection on them, not you.
Resist either caving in or being aggressive back. When someone is aggressive toward you, the natural reaction is either to placate them and give them what they want or to aggressively resist. Neither is great. Instead, Croft recommends staying calm, acknowledging their comment (“I understand why you feel that way”) but then calmly restating what you want (“I still need another five days to finish this project due to unexpected circumstances”).
Take a time out. The worst time to reason with someone is when they are being really aggressive. Instead, say a non-committal statement like “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this” and then take a break. Often, when you pick the conversation back up at a later time, the person is apologetic for the way they acted or, at the very least, thinking more clearly.
The following three tips are good if you have to deal with an aggressive person. But, what if you want to change an aggressive person?
Croft suggests confronting them, using this four-step formula:
I understand. Start the conversation wtih a statement of empathy. The next time they are aggressive to you or someone else, talk to them after they cool down. Tell them you understand why they felt that way.
I feel. Next, tell them how it makes you feel. For example, maybe their actions made you feel marginalized or uncomfortable.
I want. Then, tell them what you want. Either, to approach conversations more calmly, or to be more open to the ideas of others.
Ask – is that okay? Here’s where the discussion happens. You want to confirm they understand what you mean by asking them if they do and also allow them to make their points as well. Here’s a good time to listen and understand their perspective better.
The takeaway
Whenever you are dealing with someone difficult at work, there are two options: either you learn to live with them or you try to change them.
Learning to live with them is the easier route most of the time. So long as you have a strategy for dealing with them, you’ll be okay.
Occasionally though, if it is directly affecting your work, you should make an effort to change them. While it requires more work upfront, if you are successful, you ensure this problem no longer persists.
And everyone will owe you a debt a gratitude for that.
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It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering how to handle your difficult boss.
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.
So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers lie in a couple of different areas. Some are related to the environment or sources of stress that they are facing and the impact that these are having on them, and some are related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours to get what they need.
Often, we cannot change the sources of stress for our boss, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing its ugly head?
Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.
The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.
Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.
To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through, but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some becoming more demanding because they want to feel more in control. Some become a know-it-all as they need to feel important and listened to. While some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.
Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance, or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using a particular behaviour, and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are some additional strategies.
5 Quick Tips That Are Helpful In Handling A Difficult Boss:
1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed.
2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects, or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’ how we are feeling or what we are working on.
3. Successful Administrative Professionals provide only the facts and if possible, offer solutions.
4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions.
5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours.
Conclusion
Working with a difficult or negative boss can lead to burnout and take us away from a job or project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for your boss, along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors, can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.
Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP
For over twenty years, Beverly has used her S-O-S Principle™ with people and organizations who want to
control their reactions to stress, build resiliency against life’s challenges, and live healthy, successful lives.
Check out Beverly’s past presentations with AAP. Connect with Beverly if you are looking to have her share her mental health and resiliency expertise and experience with your team by visiting https://worksmartlivesmart.com or emailing her at info@worksmartlivesmart.com
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Managing challenging behaviour in the workplace involves patience and great communication skills. Challenging behaviour in the workplace can occur for many reasons. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and unique ways of communicating and working with others. Organisations can set standards for acceptable behaviour and will have policies and procedures in place to handle behaviour should it become a problem. However, project managers often have to deal with day to day personality clashes and more minor examples of challenging behaviour.
So, how can you do something constructive about employees who behave in less than ideal ways in the workplace? We often start by putting up with it, or making allowances for it as tackling it head on is tricky. But this can result in a problem for everyone, as other people – customers, colleagues, suppliers and employees become frustrated and drained from dealing with complaints and negative talk. When there is someone in the office being difficult, unhelpful, moaning and generally not doing their job properly, it can result in bringing everyone down.
Basic communications tactics for challenging behaviour
Here are some basic communications tactics to use when you’re confronted with challenging situations in your workplace:
Keep calm
Express yourself in a direct and clear way. Don’t use threatening language of behaviour. Create a safe space for there to be open communication without judgement. Consider yourself in the position of the employee. This will help to reduce the chances of the conversation escalating and also provide an opportunity for the employee to open up about why they are behaving in a challenging way. By knowing the cause, it is possible to seek a solution.
Be specific
Providing details will help to keep the conversation on track. Vague details could easily inflame the situation. You must be very clear when describing the situation, using real examples. Simply discuss what you saw or what you have been told. But don’t state any assumptions. By making assumptions you allow the employee to respond defensively, and this will quickly curtail productive discussion.
Explain how the situation has impacted others
Put the situation in perspective by clearly outlining the impact the behaviour is having on those around them. Often people don’t consider how others are affected by their behaviour. So, addressing this head on can sometimes help people see the consequences of their ways.
Ask how they feel
Always give the employee an opportunity to think and talk about how the situation makes them feel. Aim for direct answers and get clarification if they aren’t making sense. By getting them to talk about it, they have the opportunity to communicate their point of view. Understanding this will help you learn how to work with them.
Acknowledge responsibility and work together
Accepting responsibility is very often a difficult thing to do. By taking the first steps and acknowledging your part to play, you take away the blame and establish a safe space. In this secure environment, your employee is more likely to take on their own responsibility for the situation. Once this has happened you can begin to work together to improve the situation.
Training
Engage in Learning provide Managing Conflict Pathway courses which will help you develop an effective and professional manner to handle conflict well and use it as a catalyst for growth and innovation. The Challenging Behaviour Effectively course will teach you how to identify difficult behaviour and develop a strategy to intervene.
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Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed
BY SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD
Updated September 02, 2019
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself.
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.
Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion.
Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.
Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.
What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.
The Bottom Line
If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
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Posted on the SHRM.org site. Under the Toolkit section.
Scope—This toolkit looks at some of the most common disruptive employee behaviors, identifies the potential risks to the organization if the behavior is not corrected and offers strategies for constructively managing the performance of difficult employees. The article also discusses the roles of HR and the individual’s supervisor in managing the process, corporate written communication about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, and legal issues associated with disruptive employee behaviors. Although related to the topic, this article does not cover workplace harassment, involuntary termination of employment, the internal resolution of disputes or violence in the workplace.
Overview
Employee morale, productivity and customer service levels are at their highest when employees work effectively as a team and practice basic tenets of civility and respect for each other. This, unfortunately, is not always the case when employees display inappropriate and disruptive behaviors. Behavior that is not consistent with basic collegial and professional expectations can result in significant negative consequences to the organization and its people and can increase an organization’s potential legal liability.
This toolkit looks at some of the most common types of difficult and disruptive employee behaviors, identifies the potential risks to the organization if the behavior is not corrected, and offers suggestions for constructively managing the performance of individuals exhibiting these behaviors in the workplace.
Types of Problem Employee Behaviors
There is a wide range of behaviors exhibited by employees that can create risks for other individuals and the organization. Some general categories and examples include:
Gossiping. While it tends to have both harmless and vicious connotations, gossiping generally refers to the actions of an individual who habitually reveals personal or sensational information about others, whether factual or not. Examples include speculating on the cause of a co-worker’s divorce, repeating and embellishing overheard conversations meant to be private, and creating or repeating rumors about individuals or the company meant to be stirring or shocking.
Displaying general incivility/insolence. This includes engaging in rude, disrespectful speech or behaviors and physical intimidation, such as making insulting and demeaning statements; using angry, hostile tones; berating staff and colleagues in front of others; and shouting, throwing things or slamming doors when displeased. These behaviors are often directed at anyone the employee disagrees with or is agitated by.
Bullying. While bullying certainly can include uncivil behaviors, bullies often use less visible means of harming other employees, such as social isolation, condescending or contemptuous communications, and manipulation. Bullying is often directed at specific individuals, characterized by persistent abusive and intimidating behavior or unfair actions (assigning too much work, constantly changing deadlines, poor performance ratings, etc.), causing the recipient to feel threatened, abused, humiliated or vulnerable. Bullying is about having power over someone else—often a direct report, but also anyone who may seem weaker to the bully.
Exhibiting insubordination. Insubordination refers to an employee’s intentional refusal to obey an employer’s lawful and reasonable orders. This can manifest as a single event worthy of discipline or termination or as a series of lesser events that work to undermine a supervisor’s authority over time. Examples of the latter include repeated warnings to reduce hostile remarks in meetings or to reduce harmful gossiping about other employees that go unheeded. See What constitutes insubordination?
See:
Workplace Gossip: What Crosses the Line?
How Do You Deal with Difficult Employees?
Are You a Toxic Leader or Just a Tough Boss?
Business Case
The impact of disruptive behaviors on an organization are far ranging: Decreases in productivity, performance, employee commitment and company reputation will all affect the bottom line, as will increases in turnover costs, use of sick leave, disability claims and legal expenses.
Moreover, toxic behaviors spread like viruses. The problem may start with one person behaving badly, but over time, the people who work around disruptive individuals may begin to behave differently and to believe the organization has a high tolerance for such misbehavior.
In a 2016 survey conducted by Weber Shandwick, Civility in America VII: The State of Civility, 30% of managers indicated that they had fired or threatened to fire someone due to incivility and nearly 25% of employees said they had quit a job due to an uncivil workplace. Additionally, 87% of workers indicated that workplace incivility has an impact on work performance, including in the following ways:
55% of respondents said their morale suffered.
45% expressed a desire to quit.
38% felt anger toward co-workers or the employer.
36% noticed a reduction in the quality of their work.
33% discouraged others from working at the company.
32% experienced a negative effect on their personal time.
26% felt less creative.
23% called in sick.
See How Rudeness Stops People from Working Together.
Workplace bullying is also prevalent in today’s workplaces. Findings from a 2017 survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute found the following:
19% of U.S. workers are bullied, and another 19% witness it.
61% of U.S. workers are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace.
70% of perpetrators are men, and 60% of targets are women.
61% of bullies are bosses, and the majority (63%) operate alone.
40% of bullied targets are believed to experience adverse health effects.
To make the bullying stop, 65% of targets leave their jobs.
With over 60 percent of the offenders having a higher job status than the target, this a problem that must be addressed from the top down. See Are You in a Bully-Prone Industry? and The Bully and the Bottom Line.
Employee use of social media adds another layer of concern for employers, as employees may bully or be uncivil to one another on social networking sites. In addition, postings that portray the employer in a negative light may go viral, damaging an employer’s reputation and brand. Employers may not always know about such postings, but when they become aware, they need to act. See What HR Can Do About Cyberbullying in the Workplace and Disruptive Facebook Comments Justified Firing.
HR’s Role
HR professionals can play an integral role in providing guidance and training to managers with difficult employees. HR should adopt the role of business partner and help managers look at the presenting issue and uncover the underlying issue. A critical step is getting the manager to recognize that a problem exists. Managers often avoid dealing with interpersonal issues because these problems can be very difficult to resolve. HR professionals can assist managers in identifying problems and strategizing possible solutions. Employers should ensure that conflicts are resolved early on as part of an overall organizational strategy to prevent workplace violence from occurring.
See:
How to Create a Culture of Civility
How to Create a Bully-Proof Workplace
What measures can an employer take to stop employees from gossiping?
How to Resolve Workplace Conflicts
Enabling Factors
Managers and colleagues are often unwilling to intervene or complain about a disruptive colleague. Co-workers may fear retribution or that the negative behaviors will intensify if they speak up. Managers can be reluctant to have these difficult conversations with employees and are often unprepared to address these behaviors in ways that might bring about positive changes. Additionally, those who manage departments that are short-staffed are often reluctant to do anything that might lead to the loss of an otherwise contributing staff member.
Taking action requires courage that many employees and managers may not have. They rationalize their inaction with logic like:
Maybe the problem will correct itself if I just leave it alone.
Perhaps I will be relocated or promoted soon and the next person can deal with this.
Confronting the issue would be so traumatic that it would do more harm than good.
We have found viable workaround measures.
We have bigger problems. Exposing this situation would be a distraction from critical work.
Unfortunately, the problem will not usually go away if it is tolerated or ignored; in fact, it will likely worsen. The disruptive individual may interpret a manager’s tolerance of inappropriate behavior as accepting or condoning the behavior, which then may escalate.
Managers may be enabling a problem employee if:
They say they are working around a “problem.”
Employees accuse them of “playing favorites.”
Employees comment that they do not understand documented policies (as they are not being enforced).
A well-known issue is denied or downplayed.
Managers have an ethical and sometimes legal obligation to investigate complaints or other evidence of bad behavior and to prevent its reoccurrence by taking prompt, appropriate remedial action. If the employer ignores the problem, it runs the risk of condoning unprofessional behavior and becomes vulnerable to potential legal liability.
Strategies for Dealing with Difficult Employees and Disruptive Behaviors
Many employees are promoted into people manager roles without any training whatsoever, leaving them unprepared to navigate a path to reduce or eliminate disruptive behaviors when they appear. The difficult employees themselves may have never acquired the appropriate social skills to interact at a professional level and to work as a productive member of a team.
Train.
Preventive, ongoing training can lay the groundwork for employees to understand their behavioral expectations and for managers to be prepared to act when employees fall short of those expectations. Basic training in people management and conflict resolution is a good starting place. Many organizations offer in-house or outsourced people management programs, some of which include 360-degree assessments that help to gauge where the manager’s people skills may need development. Providing your managers with support, including the tools they need to succeed, will help them feel more confident when confronted with difficult employees.
Facilitating meaningful teamwork activities can also build better understanding between co-workers. Some employers use workplace personality testing modules to help employees recognize they may have different work styles and different tendencies in how they interact with others. Often, this realization of how one’s own style and tendencies are just as valid as someone else’s opposite style and tendencies can go a long way to diffuse formerly frustrating interactions.
More companies are now including civility training for all employees, which can include business etiquette, cultural sensitivity and diversity awareness components. Training should not only define civility and list the employer’s expectations, it should teach what civility looks like and describe or act out scenarios ripe for incivility, giving participants the chance to practice how to maintain composure instead of acting out. Microsoft’s Precision Questioning class teaches participants to question their own ideas and how to have effective and efficient discussions. The Department of Labor offers two prevention programs for employers, “Leading for Respect” and “Respect in the Workplace,” which deal with civility, acceptable workplace conduct and behaviors that contribute to an inclusive workplace. See New EEOC Training Helps Employers Create Respectful Workplaces.
Take notice and listen.
One of the main reasons employees engage in disruptive behaviors is because they don’t feel they are being heard. When unacceptable behaviors appear, good managers will start to pay close attention to what is going on and not turn away from problems they’d rather ignore. Make note of specific behaviors to address, including when they were observed and who was present. Take time to collect information and understand the issue as fully as possible. Be sure to solicit the problematic employee’s point of view; by doing so, managers often learn of something that is blocking the employee’s progress and causing them stress, which can be addressed and resolved. Just being heard can also be a factor in de-escalating negative behaviors before they get out of control.
Provide honest feedback.
The key to managing difficult or disruptive employees is to distinguish the person from his or her behaviors. Talk to the employee about the behaviors being unacceptable, but take care not to make any personal attacks on who the employee is as a person. Saying things like, “You’re a troublemaker” or “You’ve got anger issues” are personal judgments that will put the employee on the defensive and hinder any productive exchange. Instead, focus on the behaviors by saying, “Your behaviors are effective here; they are not effective here.” Give specific examples of when the employee was displaying the unacceptable behaviors so he or she doesn’t have to guess. For example, “You’ve raised your voice three times in meetings in the last two weeks in response to a co-worker’s legitimate, respectful question” or “I’ve heard you talk negatively about Joe and Sue to other employees” are specific to the behaviors that need to be addressed. Discuss appropriate behaviors with the employee, and ensure that he or she understands what is expected in the future. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that good employees would instinctively know what to do to correct their behaviors or even that they would know their behaviors are problematic in the first place. See How to Give Feedback to People Who Cry, Yell, or Get Defensive.
Document and follow disciplinary policies.
Employers tend to forget that job performance expectations include behavioral expectations. In doing so, managers may talk to employees about their disruptive behaviors, even several times, but never document the interactions. Then, if they reach a point where they want the employee fired, there’s no record of what discussions took place and what clear expectations were set. It’s understandable that managers hope the behaviors will go away, but when they don’t, having the documentation in hand will support an employer’s actions to discipline or terminate if the situation becomes untenable. Even if all other job goals are being met, a disruptive employee displaying toxic behaviors is engaging in an actionable offense.
Employees should be told the specific consequences of failure to improve their performance. If an employee will be discharged if no improvement is shown, the employee should be told precisely that. Mincing words or speaking in generalities to avoid difficult statements is unfair to the employee, who may be surprised that the consequences are harsher than expected. A fair notice would entail a conversation that is direct yet respectful. Ultimately, though, the employee has the responsibility to adjust his or her behavior to correct the problem.
See:
Tried-and-True Ways to Deal with a Workplace Bully
When a Foul Mouth Might Get You Fired—And When It Might Not
Disruptive Behavior Justified Employee’s Discharge
Attack Bullying Without Being Attacked
Follow up with the employee.
One of the most common mistakes managers make is to have the appropriate conversation with an employee, consider the matter closed and put away the file. The greatest factor in sustaining improvements in performance is follow-up. Improvements should be recognized, and employees should be held accountable for failures in not correcting the behavior. Nothing will affect the morale of other employees faster than watching unacceptable performance go unaddressed or, worse, be addressed and then tolerated, which suggests that the manager is incapable of dealing with the situation. Working with an employee, though, and giving him or her a chance to improve can also be an effective morale booster. See Insubordinate Employees May Deserve a Second Chance.
Communication
Many corporate codes of conduct and labor agreements contain requirements that employees and managers treat each other with dignity and respect and conduct themselves in a professional manner. In addition, most organizations have policies that prohibit harassment and discrimination, including actions that may lead to an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.
One caveat to these conduct-related policies is to ensure that they do not interfere with Section 7 rights under the National Labor Relations Act, which allow employees to engage in protected, concerted activity regarding the terms and conditions of employment. The National Labor Relations Board has gone back and forth on how these policies must be worded; therefore, legal review of all current and any new conduct policies is recommended. See NLRB Ruling Provides More Flexibility for Employer Handbook Policies.
When organizations communicate clear expectations and take appropriate actions, the workforce will be better able to differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Metrics
The cost of workplace bullying and other disruptive employee behaviors can be measured in many ways. An organization can, for example, analyze the impact of these negative behaviors based on:
Turnover.
Employee engagement.
Commitment to the organization.
Job satisfaction.
Productivity levels.
Work quality.
Estimated number of lost work hours.
Legal Issues
Legal risks are associated with confronting disruptive employees about their behavior. Federal and state employment laws protect employees from discrimination based on age, race, gender, national origin, religion, disability, and, in some states, marital status and sexual orientation. In addition, whistle-blower or retaliation protections and collective bargaining agreements can create some additional areas for legal concern.
When employees who belong to one or more of these protected classes face discipline, they may feel they are being treated differently than those employees who are not members of the same class. Keeping all disciplinary conversations focused on the employee’s actual performance problem is important. Although discrimination and harassment laws prohibit employers from making employment decisions based on an employee’s membership in a protected class, basing decisions on performance helps prevent even the appearance of a violation of these laws. Even if an employee feels he or she is the victim of discrimination or harassment, concentrating on performance helps maintain the focus on the true employment issues at hand, keeps the employer compliant, and shows respect for employees and their rights in the workplace.
Workplace bullying is inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, but it is not prohibited by federal law unless the basis for it is tied to a protected category, such as race or sex. Several states have introduced workplace anti-bullying bills in recent years and in 2019, Tennessee’s Healthy Workplace Act, prohibiting workplace bullying that is not based on a protected category, was extended to include private employers.
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But admit it—sometimes those people can be real pains.
In every group, there seems to be at least one person who saps morale, slows productivity and stirs up anger in other team members because of his or her bad attitude, refusal to play by the rules or just plain disturbing behavior. And you know you can’t let these situations fester.
To give you some practical tips on what to do, we asked HR professionals to share their stories about difficult employees and what they learned from dealing with problem people over the years. Here’s what your peers had to say.
Learn Their Strengths
I heard talk around the office about a particular employee’s habit of avoiding work. While her colleagues carried a heavy workload, she spent a lot of time engaging in personal matters during work hours. She found clever ways of deflecting her responsibilities and having those around her address them. For example, if a customer called, instead of taking care of his or her concern immediately, she asked the person to call back when she knew others would be around to follow up.
After taking time to get to know her better, I learned that she was actually quite miserable in her current role. I helped her to establish career goals and develop a plan for achieving them. Her behavior toward others improved after she transitioned into a different position. The employee ultimately became a go-to person in her department.
Lessons learned: When you focus on finding the right fit between an employee’s strengths and the job she is asked to perform, success is almost guaranteed to follow. Coach employees to develop a plan that will help them reach their goals. Finally, provide abundant feedback and celebrate their achievements. This will create a win-win situation for both the employees and the organization.
—Jennifer Diaz, SHRM-CP, director of HR, World Evolve Inc., Miami
Identify the Problem
What defines a “difficult” employee? Is it a person who is a little unorthodox in his approach to work but stays inside the lines enough to avoid disciplinary issues? Or the worker whose manager never helped set her up for success or who put her in a no-win situation? Is it the person who is facing tremendous personal challenges and just doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to handle problems at work as well?
We can all identify specific behaviors that cause us to label employees. But to me, the more important questions are: What is the root cause of people’s actions? Why would individuals choose to act out in the place where they make their livelihood? I don’t believe that employees wake up in the morning thinking about how to screw up at work. But most of us have probably been in a situation where we daydreamed about telling our boss off or walking out the door and never coming back.
We can’t “fix” employees the way we can a leaky faucet. They are the people we decided to hire or retain at our organizations, and we are responsible for identifying what may be causing them to act in a manner that we’ve decided makes them “difficult.”
I’m not saying that you should tolerate employees who are insubordinate, violent or threatening—those are grounds for immediate dismissal. But such cases are few and far between.
Lessons learned: I’ve learned to listen and try not to make assumptions. It’s not easy. I’m only human. I’ve also figured out how much I am willing to tolerate. Sometimes the “difficult” employee isn’t the problem; it’s the organization’s culture. Other times, the employee is just a pain, and you need to help him be happy—somewhere else.
At a previous company, I had an employee in her first professional position after graduate school who had a bad attitude. She complained frequently about putting in long hours, and no one liked working with her.
When she came to talk to me about feeling overwhelmed in her job, I listened and recommended some resources, including the employee assistance program, to help her cope with the demands of her role. I also told her that if she felt the position wasn’t right for her, it was OK to seek opportunities elsewhere and perhaps return after she gained more experience. She seemed relieved.
Then we got to the real issue behind her long work hours. In the course of our conversation, it became clear that work was all she had going on in her life. She was new to the area and hadn’t yet made any social connections. We talked about how she could become a part of the community. She reconnected with her sorority via the local alumnae chapter and took on a leadership position. Things really changed for her.
She ended up leaving our company on good terms, and she said that having activities outside of work gave her confidence to move forward in her career. We’re still in touch even though we both have moved on to other organizations.
Lessons learned: Engaging with the employee helped me get to the real issue fast. The old adage of not putting all of your eggs in one basket is good for everyone to remember. We need to balance our work life with outside interests that engage us in different ways.
—Vickie L. Robinson, SHRM-CP, national director of HR, Armed Services YMCA of the USA, Springfield, Va.
Communicate
Be Transparent
After I was promoted to a newly created recruiting position, one director was apparently nervous about how I would affect others’ jobs. This individual became combative and even went to the vice president, who was my new manager, alleging that I was taking credit for others’ efforts, failing to visit recruiting locations frequently enough and not spending enough time with the team.
I responded by presenting facts. I provided evidence that tracked my recruiting efforts and success rates as well as how I had praised hiring managers and HR professionals involved in each hire. I showed this director my calendar, which clearly spelled out where I was going and what was being discussed at each location. I also shared examples of my work, including a training session with HR managers to help them explain the importance of recruiting to the operations managers. Finally, I conducted a survey of HR managers, who indicated support for my new position.
Lessons learned: Be as transparent as possible and constantly seek feedback, especially with new initiatives and roles. I could have become defensive, but I saw that this director was reacting out of fear. As frustrating as it was, I wanted to overcome this person’s apprehensions and gain an advocate. I have since been promoted to a director role, and I continue to explore novel ways to develop current HR managers so they can advance in their careers.
My advice: Don’t take criticism personally. Rely on facts to educate others, and figure out a way to work with each other to achieve the company’s goals.
—Toby Atkinson, SHRM-CP, HR director, Mid South Region of North Carolina, Cintas Corp., Statesville, N.C.
Communicate Clearly
Years ago, I had a micromanaging supervisor who found fault with everything her direct reports, including me, did. She had an analytical mind and drilled everything down to the very core, but she never shared all of the information that was needed to complete a task correctly. It wasn’t out of malice; she simply assumed that everyone thought the same way she did and was shocked to learn otherwise. I dealt with this behavior by taking notes on each conversation, asking questions and listening for an action item. I tried to stay ahead of the action items by providing daily follow-up on my progress.
Lessons learned: I learned to communicate more clearly and to be more detail-oriented in tackling assigned tasks. Expectations of the HR role vary from employer to employer, so it is particularly important to understand exactly what’s being asked of you.
At a previous company, we hired someone as a program aide who seemed to be more interested in climbing her way up to become CEO than doing actual work. Of course, the error in our hiring decision revealed itself all too abruptly when she argued with me, in front of our customers, about completing a small task that I had asked her to do while I handled other business. She felt her time would be best utilized accompanying me on one of my assignments.
When I insisted that she stay behind to greet our customers, she abandoned her station—and our customers—to go to headquarters to complain. The program manager was stunned by the aide’s lack of professional maturity. I was baffled as well. Needless to say, she was released.
Lessons learned: This experience reinforced for me the importance of conducting proper background screening, reference checks and behavioral-based interviews.
—Crystal Black, program coordinator, Action Management Corp., Flint, Mich.
Be Prepared
We had a male employee who was the subject of a workplace harassment complaint. A co-worker reported that he threatened her when she refused his requests for a date. After learning that she had a boyfriend, the male worker allegedly punched, kicked and pushed over a soda machine. We decided to terminate his employment, but we were concerned that he might react violently.
I partnered with the security team to investigate the allegations and develop workplace safety measures for the female worker. I met with the male employee in a neutral, private location to deliver our findings. Once we decided to fire him, I coached the business leader on how to conduct the meeting. We took safety precautions but made sure they weren’t visible to the employee. Fortunately, he didn’t react in an aggressive manner.
In another situation, a high-level female executive within the organization was so upset when someone arrived late to a meeting that she literally charged at him and pushed him out of the office. We were all shocked into silence, and then the meeting resumed as if nothing had happened. Later, I privately addressed the behavior with the leader. However, to my regret, we never discussed the incident as a group. What I didn’t know was that this leader was already widely perceived to be a bully who intimidated others—even though she was under 5 feet tall.
Lessons learned: Be prepared. Whether the worst-case scenario comes to pass or not, it’s better to be safe than sorry. When you see someone at any level behave inappropriately, reinforce the company’s expectations for conduct at work. Act quickly and responsibly to lead the team back on track.
Both examples also highlight that our assumptions aren’t always correct. The previously violent man left in peace, while the diminutive woman resorted to using bodily force. Intimidation can take many forms—wielding physical strength or positions of power. Part of being ready means learning to expect the unexpected.
—Tracy Frazier, SHRM-SCP, director, advice and counsel services, HR, Memorial Hermann Health System, Houston
Stay Calm
Show Respect
I once took over the position of an HR colleague who was resigning. When I asked her why she was leaving, she said, “The employees here are horrible! If you discipline them, they’ll scratch your car!”
But I soon discovered that she could be difficult in her own right. She took a judgmental approach in dealing with the staff and often shook her finger at them when she got angry. When she delivered corrective action, she would occasionally offer admonitions like, “You know better than this!”
So I decided early on that I would reserve my emotions for situations that I felt could only be improved by displaying them. I don’t mean that I was insincere. It’s just that sometimes I wanted employees to see me as a compassionate human being, and other times I preferred that they view me as someone with no emotional investment in a particular outcome.
I soon got to test my theory when a worker who was an alleged gang member flashed a knife at a fellow employee while on the job. When I terminated his employment, the last thing I wanted to do was to give him a reason to direct his anger toward me (or my car). I needed for him to be upset with himself and to learn from his actions. I sat him down, presented his termination notice and said, “I’m sure you know why we’re here. Most employers, including our company, have zero-tolerance policies against any sort of violence or threats in the workplace. Unfortunately, the necessary result of your actions today is going to be the termination of your employment. This document explains the situation to you. I know I can’t make you sign it, but I’d like for you to. Your signature is not an agreement, but just an acknowledgment that we had this conversation.” He signed it, and I asked if he had any questions. He then left peacefully.
Lessons learned: I concluded that what’s important isn’t whether I display emotion but whether I’m able to show respect. If an employee is being difficult, I do my best to understand why he’s behaving that way. If the behavior warrants formal corrective action, then I always treat the employee with respect and honesty. It works. My car still hasn’t been scratched.
—Jason Kelinske, SHRM-CP, HR business partner, Sinomax-USA, Houston
Be Fair
Most people become difficult when they feel like they’re not being treated fairly or consistently. Complaints are raised to me or my team when employees feel like there’s nowhere else to turn, so associates are usually more difficult at this stage. The range of difficulty varies. They may have created an uncomfortable atmosphere in their department. We’ve had people become agitated and leave work abruptly or say things that weren’t appropriate. We’ve had workers post negative comments about their supervisors or the company on social media.
The best thing you can do is listen. Set up a time to speak with the associate. Ask why she’s frustrated. When did it begin? How did it get to this point? Speak to the other parties involved. Frequently, you find that it’s a misunderstanding and there are two sides to the story.
Lessons learned: Never take anything at face value. You may think that the associate is being difficult, but in reality there is a legitimate reason for her frustration. If you can work through the issue, you may be able to turn the situation around.
Be patient and treat the associate with sensitivity. You don’t know what others are going through in their personal lives. Usually, people are being difficult as a cry for help. Try to get them to respond reasonably rather than emotionally.
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The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.
E + R = 0
Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…
Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?
The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.
Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.
Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.
Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace
For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.
1. The Anxious
These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.
These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.
3. The Negative-Minded
These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.
These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.
5. The Hostile
These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.
6. The Blamer
These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.
Dealing with them:
To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.
7. The Staller
These people are bound to make a commitment.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.
8. The Perfectionist
These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.
9. The Overly Agreeable
These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.
10. The Gossip
These people talk about other people behind their backs
Dealing with them:
The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.
Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work
Here is the most interesting thing…
Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.
When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.
For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.
Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.
2. Listen to Others
Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.
When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.
To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.
So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.
3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:
Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion
Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.
4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.
If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.
When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.
Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.
So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
5. Not to Take Anything Personally
In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.
Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.
Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.
When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.
To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.
7. Use Appropriate Humor
Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.
Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.
Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting
The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.
8. Introspect and Take Responsibility
Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.
When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.
Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.
If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?
Why I ‘m feeling this way? Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person? You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.
9. Build a Rapport
Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.
When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.
Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.
So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.
10. Keep Your Power
Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief
When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.
When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.
So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.
11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger
Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.
When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.
So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.
12. Speak with the Person Directly
Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.
When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.
If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.
The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.
I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.
When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.
Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.
This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.
14. Don’t Gossip
Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.
They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.
They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.
If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.
So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.
15. Pick Your Battles Carefully
Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.
No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battleswisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.
Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.
The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.
Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.
16. Understand Other Person’s Perception
Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.
For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.
This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.
This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.
To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.
The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.
Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.
18. Treat the Person with Respect
Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.
Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.
Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.
When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.
You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.
So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?
Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.
19. Be Professional
Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.
Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.
Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.
Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.
20. Keep a Healthy Distance
When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.
Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.
21. Don’t act Defensively
When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.
Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.
There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.
So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.
22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate
Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.
If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.
Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”
Conclusion
Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them
Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.
If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.
Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.
I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.
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Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.
Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.
They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.
You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.
Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.
Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace
If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.
Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.
Start out by examining yourself.
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.
Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion.
Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.
Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.
Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?
If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.
What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.
The Bottom Line
If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/DWDP.jpg85128Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-10-07 11:49:062020-11-04 10:09:45How to Deal With Difficult People at Work Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed
Greg Schinkel, CSP
President Front Line Leadership Systems
Develop the skills your team needs to drive results and maximize engagement. Call us at 1-866-700-9043, email info@frontlineleadership.com or click here to contact us today.
How do you deal with the abrasive personalities that you interact with every day as a leader?
One of our most popular and most requested topics is how to deal with abrasive people.
These abrasive personalities could be your employees who report to you, or they could be your colleagues you interact with, or they could even be your manager or your supervisor. Whoever you are interacting with, how you deal with them is similar.
The first thing to understand is that abrasive personalities or abrasive people don’t think they are abrasive. They just think they are overly direct and get to the point and don’t beat around the bush.
If you confront them and say, “Hey, I have to talk to you about being abrasive,” they are going to say, “I don’t know what your problem is. You are just overly sensitive.” That being said, I do have a few tips for you on how to deal with the abrasive people in your sphere of influence.
Number one is, focus on tasks and actions. These are not people who would like to talk about feelings because they think it’s just all messy. Rather focus on the job that needs to get done and its specific tasks. In other words, be task-oriented when speaking to these people.
The second tip is to focus on the facts. Abrasive people don’t think of anything except the evidence, the data, and the information and what it tells them. Of course, there are lots of ways to interpret data and information, but an abrasive person appreciates seeing something in black and white. Those are the things that they can get their head around.
The third tip is, let them be able to change their mind. Abrasive people don’t like to lose and don’t want to admit they were wrong to begin with. So, you’ve got to give them a chance to change their mind. That means not boxing them into a corner where they have to lash out at you but instead give them some time to process things and come to your way of thinking. It will be more successful for you to let them do that.
If you are dealing with abrasive people, and they are your employees, that is you are their supervisor or their leader, then you’re going to have to deal with this as a behavior issue. You are still going to use the same approaches, but this time you’re going to be very clear about their behavior currently versus what you would like to see happen. That way you can help them modify their behavior to meet your expectations and to reduce the conflicts they have with others.
This is the first of a two-part series. In the next Leader Feeder, we will be looking at how to deal with what to do if you are accused of being an abrasive leader, and how do you change your own behavior?
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-30 11:38:072020-06-30 11:38:07Managing Abrasive Team Members
Everyone wants to work in a friendly and productive environment, but sometimes even one bad co-worker can make getting your job done seem near impossible.
Psychologist Amy Cooper Hakim, an expert on employer-employee relationships, says this is a problem many people face.
“The biggest issues stem from improper communication, poor tactics,” Hakim tells CNBC. “We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.”
In a revised version of the book “Working With Difficult People,” which was originally written by Hakim’s grandmother, Hakim details how to deal with virtually every type of exhausting co-worker, including bosses and subordinates.
Here are few types of difficult co-workers, along with some tips on how to handle them:
1. Tacklers
A “tackler” is a coworker who attacks you personally while arguing an issue, according to Hakim.
“These colleagues are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration and tackle you instead of the problem,” she writes.
Don’t stop suggesting great ideas just because you have a co-worker like this. Try to move the emphasis away from people and back to the issue or idea, the psychologist suggests. Or talk with the co-worker privately.
“Say that you’d like to have a better relationship and ask how she thinks you might be able to resolve your differences,” Hakim writes.
If that tactic still doesn’t work, consider your options. Hakim advises that if the tackler has many friends in high places, try to just concentrate on doing your job and make more friends, as an ongoing feud could hurt your ability to advance.
If, on the other hand, the situation is truly unbearable, get help.
“For those circumstances where you cannot handle a hostile colleague alone, quickly contact the appropriate resources to get the help that you need,” she writes.
Be calm but assertive when dealing with a bad co-worker, Hakim writes.
Milton Brown Creative/Getty Images
2. Enviers
“These peers are resentful,” Hakim writes. “They want what you have. More than that, they believe they should have what you have.”
Even a simple “Congratulations” can feel insincere or even hostile. So what do you do? Limit your communication with that kind of co-worker and do your part to keep your talks friendly, advises the psychologist.
If the envious coworker starts to attack you personally, Hakim suggests you try to guide the conversation back to the issue at hand, taking emotion out of the conversation.
You could say something like, “C’mon, Blake, I don’t want to argue about that. We can be civil to each other.” If the situation doesn’t change, leave.
Oftentimes, Hakim writes, these co-workers are lashing out because they’re insecure about their own jobs. Encouraging co-workers to find a project or skill that excites them could be a great way to deflect any negative feelings.
If things escalate to the point where you can no longer do your job effectively, consider talking with an HR manager or your supervisor.
3. Intimidators
This is the office version of the middle-school bully. Intimidators get you to do what they want by implying they can embarrass you or hurt your career.
It’s important to remember, though, that the status of the person matters: “An intimidating boss who can fire you has real power over you; an intimidating colleague has perceived power,” Hakim writes.
To feel more comfortable when dealing with this type of co-worker, the psychologist suggests you rehearse responses, such as, “You’re not serious, are you?” or “I don’t feel totally comfortable with that.”
You can stand up for yourself and be assertive without sounding angry.
Create a kind of bubble, the psychologist suggests. Imagine a barrier between you and the co-worker that protects you from his threats. Put as much actual physical space as possible between yourself and the negative person, too.
Keeping an electronic record of interactions between you and the “intimidator” could also be helpful in case you need to discuss the issue with a supervisor or HR manager.
We need to take emotion out of workplace issues.
Amy Cooper Hakim
ORGANIZATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND CO-AUTHOR OF “WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE”
4. Imposers
You helped a co-worker get acclimated to the office or with a difficult project and she won’t stop knocking on your door.
“Imposers take unfair advantage of your time, talent and good nature,” Hakim writes. “Colleagues such as these are just plain self-centered and inconsiderate of others.”
The simplest solution is to apologize, say that you are too backed up with your own work and then decline to help. You could suggest she reach out to another co-worker or supervisor.
You can say something like, “I’m sorry, Maya, I can see you’re in a bind, but I can’t help you because I’m so far behind in my own work. Maybe Sebastian isn’t as busy and can help?”
A key takeaway
With any negative working situation, if you feel like you cannot handle the issue yourself or truly feel in danger, do not be afraid to ask for help. A bad co-worker doesn’t mean that you should dread going to work. And more often than not, the issue can be resolved, according to Hakim.
“It’s to everyone’s benefit to fix these problems,” the psychologist tells CNBC.
You can ask a sympathetic co-worker for his or her advice, meet with an HR manager or talk to your boss. Try to separate your emotion from how you communicate. For more detailed tips, check out Hakim’s book.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-09 09:58:182020-06-09 09:58:184 Types of Difficult Co-Workers and How to Deal with Them without Losing your Mind
In dealing with the work of conflict resolution, we are not always in control of the various people sitting in the room. In spite of personalities that may span the spectrum, it is still our duty and work to engage all parties in dialogue. This dialogue is only effective if everyone feels safe and comfortable in their expression. Even in our day to lives we may encounter someone on the opposing side of our opinions, beliefs, or rationale. Knowing how to navigate these instances can make us better communicators, cause us to lead far more peaceful lives, and create a workplace environment that is calm and free flowing.
Here are 17 tips:
1. Don’t react. Remain calm in the face of the storm
2. Keep your eye on the prize. Remember your goal.
3. Pause, take a time out, give yourself time to think
4. Listen actively. Give your opponent a respectful hearing.
5. Acknowledge their points, agree wherever you can.
6. Express your views without provoking. Don’t say “But…” Say “Yes, and…”
7. Acknowledge the differences of opinion as legitimate.
8. Don’t reject. Reframe the point – change the game. Elevate the focus to higher ground.
9. Choose a single issue to focus on
10. Ask problem-solving questions.
11. Focus on the problem, not the person or attack.
12. Bring up the rules of engagement. “We gathered here to talk about X, and agreed to …. Let’s continue …
13. Consider the interaction as an opportunity to grapple with certain issues (and perhaps even say so).
14. Use your power to educate.
15. Disarm by focusing on principles.
16. Aim for mutual satisfaction, not victory.
17. Bring a dignified closure to the session by summarizing any points of agreement and points that remained unresolved, so people can depart with some sense of closure and productive conversation.
Start at step 1 and work your way down the list as needed. Always remember, every attempt to resolve a conflict may not be successful, but these tips are a good way to start. At the very least, all parties can respectfully agree to disagree and everyone moves on without animosity or hard feelings. It is in the effort to acknowledge and resolve the conflict that the true strength and courage lie. We respect you for trying and wish you peaceful resolutions!
About the Author:
Shanti Thompson, Vice President: Director of Training
Ms. Thompson is involved in the design, funding, program, and financial administration of Legacy’s projects. She has over 30 years’ experience directing initiatives, developing training programs and curricula in leadership, civic education, pluralism, conflict prevention and resolution, and cross-cultural communication. Ms. Thompson has authored three published curricula and directed projects in the U.S., Spain, Russia, Kyrgyzstan, and Ukraine. She has visited 23 different nations, and worked closely with adults and youths from Israel and Palestine, Northern Ireland, South Africa, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Russia and Ukraine, and varied Central Asian ethnic groups.
https://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.png00Rhondahttps://dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/DWDPlogoWhite.pngRhonda2020-06-02 13:00:172020-06-03 09:45:4917 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People/Situations
It is hard to put difficult colleagues into a one-size-fits-all box. After all, they come in so many shapes and sizes. No workplace is without them.
What about the passive-aggressive who feeds on bullying others? How about the know-it-all corporate climber who walks all over people in her 5-inch stilettos? Or the two-faced backstabber who delights in betraying confidences?
Difficult colleagues create stressful environments and unpleasant working conditions. A survey by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 65% of Americans cited work as a top source of stress. Only 37% of Americans surveyed said they were doing an excellent or very good job managing stress. In fact, work-related problems significantly outpaced other leading causes of stress such as health concerns or family responsibilities.
Not all stress at work can be blamed on difficult colleagues, but our workplace is a perfect breeding ground for people who push our buttons. A gossip who might not ordinarily get on our nerves becomes toxic when we are forced to work with them on a daily basis.
Unfortunately for entrepreneurs, business owners, and leaders, difficult employees are not always bad employees. They may be highly skilled or very talented. They may add to the bottom line of your company, but they can also create stress for your other team members which reduces overall productivity.
The way your team deals with difficult colleagues will have a major impact on their careers and their well-being. Here are 5 strategies to deal with difficult colleagues:
1. Keep friends close, enemies even closer
A difficult colleague may not be your enemy, but the more you know about them, the better you can understand them.
I will admit that, as an FBI agent, there are people out there who considered me to be the difficult colleague. I (sometimes) regret that I left casualties in the squad room, but I also know I had reasons for taking my stance. I’m not justifying my behavior; I make this point to underscore the importance of trying to understand the difficult colleague.
A Buddhist practice suggests that if someone is causing you to suffer, it’s because they’re suffering as well.
If someone had taken the time to ask me about my behavior, I would have pointed out that I am an overachiever. As such, I put so much pressure on myself to excel that, at times, I had no time for the pettiness of common courtesy! The stress I put on myself to run undercover operations and develop human intelligence (humint) sources caught up with me; I ended up incredibly sick for several months.
TIP: Take the time to understand that your workplace antagonist is an imperfect person, just like you. You don’t have to like them but if you can understand why they act like a jerk, you might be able to prevent yourself from adding fuel to the fire.
2. Know what pushes your buttons
No one escapes childhood without a few bruises and scrapes. We all have flash points that stem from our upbringing, family life, and relationships. Anger or frustration can be triggered when we least expect it. We react to a situation or individual rather than choose our response.
Our buttons are our responsibility to uncover. It’s so much easier to blame the difficult colleague or stupid supervisor rather than admit we have our own flaws.
Instead, take a look at why you react to certain people or situations in a negative way. Mental toughness is managing your emotions, thoughts, and behavior in ways that will set you up for success. You need to be brave enough to look at yourself with honesty and compassion. This might mean going back to childhood hurts to discover the patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you now.
TIP: Don’t be a wimp. Get a handle on what those buttons are and who, or what, pushes them. Rather than seeing difficult colleagues as a burden, they could actually be your ticket to dramatic professional growth.
3. Save the fight for what matters
Analyze the person and situation so you can rule out “false triggers” that create unnecessary stress in your environment. If you can’t, you will be at the mercy of the office bullies because they will know how to manipulate you. By pushing one of your buttons, you can be made to look oversensitive, weak, or gullible.
TIP: Be responsive, not reactive when someone pushes your buttons. A knee-jerk reaction is never a good choice.
4. Keep a lid on anger
Anger flares up when we feel that we, or another co-worker, have been unjustly treated by the difficult colleague. There are several reasons anger is not a good reaction:
An unpleasant emotion
Bad for your health
Clouds your judgment
Makes you look unprofessional
Avoid anger in the workplace. If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you risk being seen as unable to handle the situation like a seasoned professional. Worse yet, you may get labeled as being a difficult colleague as well.
TIP: Don’t flare up in the immediate heat of a confrontation. Instead, allow yourself to observe what is happening without getting caught up in it (meditation can help you with this). If you feel you can’t control your anger, try stalling for time. Here are some suggestions:
“Can I have a little more time to think this through? I’ll get back to you with an answer.”
“This isn’t on today’s agenda. Can we talk about it later?”
“I have a deadline. Can I get back to you on that?”
Bottom line: get out of the situation as quick as you can so you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If not, wait until your emotions are under control and then choose your response rather than reacting with negativity.
5. Face conflict
Conflict avoidance is not always a great idea, either. Staying away from disagreements and conflict creates stress as well.
If you’re faced with a difficult colleague, take some time out to reflect on the situation. Think about what the ideal outcome would be for you. What would you hope to accomplish from a conversation with your colleague?
Talk the situation out with other co-workers to gauge their assessment of it. They might be able to offer constructive advice and observations.
Don’t criticize, blame, or judge. Point out what you both agree upon at the beginning of the conversation.
TIP: Things might not change between you and the difficult colleague at first, but it’s worth a try. In a corporate environment that is known for tactics and playing games, develop a reputation of someone who is direct, personal and genuine. You’ll stand out!
This article first appeared on LaRaeQuy.com.
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The strategies for dealing with difficult people you encounter at work will differ according to these profiles, writes Joe Topinka.
Everyone interested in career development knows that we can all benefit from more leadership training. Typically these courses cover topics like performance evaluations, budgeting, and strategic planning. But one area that gets almost no attention is how to deal with the difficult people. We all face them every day in the office.
You know the type; the people who thwart progress, create anxiety, and disrupt teams. There’s one in every office.
I was talking with a group of IT executives recently and they remarked how little is done to define great leadership, and to teach leadership skills in early education – or even in the later years, for that matter. For many of us, our development as leaders was shaped by role models and mentors throughout our careers. For me, leadership started at home with my parents. Later, I was fortunate to find other leaders that willingly offered their insights and learnings with me.
Difficult people are commonplace, even outside of the office. I recently shared five difficult people personas with a group of IT executives and Business Relationship Managers in separate keynote speeches. The reaction I received was surprising. After both keynotes, people expressed relief that we were openly talking about these difficult people and the ways to handle them. It was like a therapy session for all of us.
5 Difficult Personas You Will Encounter
I have encountered five challenging personality types throughout my career. I have assembled the profile cards below to serve as a quick reference detailing each type: their behavior, how people typically react to them, and the methods you can use to succeed despite their conduct.
1. The Emotionally Expensive
These folks seem to thrive on making people squirm and feel uncomfortable. The often like to push you off balance by trying to upset you. Try not to take the bait. Stick to the facts when dealing with these people. The facts will keep you safely above the fray. Thanks to Cy Wakeman for her insights into emotionally expensive people.
2. The Head-Nodder
It is great when people agree with you. It is also quite a letdown when you discover someone isn’t being honest with you. It is always a good idea to not overshare and it is especially true with head-nodders. Learn to ask them for commitment and accountability when you need their support on any initiatives. Most people are more likely to honor their commitments when specifically asked to.
3. The History Buff
History can be a great teacher. In the office however, history buffs can get in the way by anchoring progress to the past. History buffs relish shutting down ideas that have been tried before. You can engage history buffs by asking them to give their best ideas for why past projects failed. Negative brainstorming (a.k.a. reverse thinking) is an effective way to get history buffs out of the past and into the future. Challenge them to turn things around having a beginner’s mind to overcome the roadblocks of the past.
4. The Island Camper
In some ways, it is understandable when people become myopically focused on a goal. It is an issue however, when that goal isn’t as strategically important as other company initiatives. Island campers will often ignore company priorities if they get in the way of their own team or personal goals. They make every effort to consume as many resources as possible to serve their needs. While difficult, an honest conversation about company priorities and the impact of their behavior on bigger, broader company priorities can shake them loose from their tight grip.
5. The Remote Controller
As it happens, some C-suite executives don’t like spending time in the office. Perhaps they live in a different state and avoid traveling to HQ whenever possible. At one such company the management team was quite frustrated by this. The head of marketing created a missing person milk carton graphic that made its way around the office, with the title, “Have you seen our CEO?”. Frustration and the lack of engagement were at a fever pitch.
To overcome the absence of in-person engagement with such a boss, set up a routine cadence where you spend one-on-one time with them. Keep the meetings short and prepare your agenda items ahead of time. Be resilient and don’t lose your enthusiasm even if he or she cancels your meetings periodically.
Every office has challenging people that we all must deal with: That is just our reality. It is easy to complain about office politics and people’s behavior. The truth is office politics and challenging people always have been, and always will be, a part of working life. There is no office on the planet where challenging personas aren’t a fact of professional life. The key to dealing with these dynamics is to take them head on.
Stick to the facts, resist the drama of challenging people, and proactively focus on business outcomes. Becoming an expert at this level of politics in the office is a necessity. The more skilled we become at rising above the drama of challenging people, the more success you and your company will have. Share your success stories and challenges with others and pass on your learnings. That will be your true leadership legacy.
Joe Topinka is a recognized, game-changing CIO, executive coach, and published author. He is the founder of CIO Mentor, LLC and a Board Chair of the Business Relationship Management Institute (BRMI). Topinka is a three-time CIO of the Year award winner (Charlotte CIO Leadership Association, Charlotte Business Journal, Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal).
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