Why are Difficult People Difficult?

I have a (former) friend with whom I refuse to go to dinner anymore. She returns the food to the kitchen 100 percent of the time. She doesn’t like her hairdresser, complains about how she is treated in hotels, and is a nightmare to work with. She is constantly complaining about the service she gets everywhere she goes.

Before I realized this was her norm, I asked her about always returning her meal to the kitchen at a restaurant. She explained to me that she felt she worked very hard for her money and expected the best when she spent it. If she returned it to the kitchen, it would come back super hot and fresh. She also giggled and explained that many times, she also got a free dessert or a discount on her meal.

I stopped eating in restaurants with her after that meal.

It was her personality that made her so difficult. She would have never agreed that she was a difficult person, but instead felt that she was assertive and stood up for herself.

Statistically, 2 percent of the population falls into the category of “difficult people.” Some days, I run into a month’s worth of 2 percent all in one day.

Which begs the question, why? Why do some people consistently make the world a more challenging place? Why do some people treat others poorly? Why don’t they ever realize they are difficult and change?

1. Insecurity or self-esteem. Imposter syndrome affects everyone differently. I tend to be a bit quiet and shy when I’m feeling imposter syndrome, but some people feel the need to compensate or overexaggerate how important they are. We’ve all seen the braggarts and wondered why they felt the need to treat other people as if they were ‘less than’ them.

2. Payoff. Every action we take is prompted by something we want or get. In my Dealing with Difficult People workshops, I call that the “payoff.” We all do what we do because we get something from it. The payoff can be various reasons: control, competitiveness, attention, the need to be right, etc. Your colleague is chronically negative (it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too wet, too green, too brown, too white) because they are (in their opinion) just making conversation. Their payoff is that they are a good conversationist. They don’t see themselves as negative.

Think about it—what do people love to do? Complain. It can be the weather, politics, or your favorite sports team. They would never consider themselves negative. Their payoff is that it starts conversation (and it always does, right?).

My friend’s payoff in the example above is that she had fresh hot food and occasionally something for free. Her payoff is that she feels acknowledged.

3. Entitlement. Similar to insecurity and even payoff, some people feel they are more special than others and deserve things that others don’t.

4. Personality Traits: Some people have inherently difficult personalities, such as being stubborn, confrontational, or overly critical. They feel more difficult if we are not the same or sometimes if we are.

In transparency, I can be stubborn (this won’t surprise some of you). I can dig in and fight if the situation warrants it, and I find it frustrating/difficult when I meet someone who does the same to me. Our personality traits are similar, and yet we find one another difficult.

5. Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. I am a direct communicator and am sometimes considered too aggressive or difficult (although I don’t perceive my communication as aggressive or difficult). Others may be passive-aggressive or overly direct, which can be difficult for others to navigate.

6. Past Experiences: Past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or negative experiences can shape someone’s behavior and make them defensive or guarded in certain situations. This may manifest as difficulty.

7. Emotional State: People experiencing stress, anxiety, or other emotional challenges may exhibit difficult behavior to cope with their emotions.

8. Lack of Empathy: Some people may lack empathy or have difficulty understanding others’ perspectives, making it hard for them to relate to or connect with others. Their lack of compassion may be perceived as a difficult person.

9. Control Issues: People who need to control situations or others may exhibit difficult behavior when they feel their control is threatened. Oh yes, we all might be guilty here!

10. Cultural Differences: Cultural norms and values can influence behavior, leading to misunderstandings or conflicts when people from different cultural backgrounds interact.

It’s not about you! I know this isn’t why they are difficult, but if you look at the answers above, you’ll see that none of them are about you. It is extremely rare that people are difficult just to annoy you! They are reacting to their environment and situation and getting something they need rather than trying to ruin your day.

So, the next time you encounter a difficult person, go through this checklist and ask yourself why they are being so difficult. Once we can diagnose their “why,” it is often easier to deal with their behavior.

My former friend and I are no longer friendly for reasons I’m not sure. When I look at her motivation for being so difficult, I end up with entitlement. She feels she deserves special treatment. She isn’t worried about how hard others work for their money (it is never about the other person), but she feels she is entitled to special treatment for whatever invisible reason. She is “better” than the other people in the restaurant (or salon, hotel, etc).

While I’m sorry we aren’t friends, as I’d like to analyze her more (LOL), it is helpful to understand why she shows these tendencies to be so difficult. It helps me to hold back from yelling at her when she treats people in a way that is unacceptable to me. When you can diagnose, it is easier to understand and respond to (instead of reacting to).

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.