rude people Archives - Dealing with difficult people

22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work

July 7, 2021/in Difficult Behaviour, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Personalities at Work /by Rhonda

https://www.harishsaras.com/

Let’s be honest…

Are you getting crazy at work due to other person’s behavior or attitude?

Have you ever worked with someone who doesn’t seem to get along with you? Is it challenging to deal with difficult people at work?

We’ve all encountered difficult people at work, regardless of the industry.

They may be your colleagues, managers or your boss.

What does it mean to be a difficult person?

By difficult people, we mean those whose behaviors or attitude don’t match with ours. They have certain characters which don’t match with ours. They…

Have certain personality traits that make it difficult for you to communicate with them
Push our buttons to push their agenda
Rarely listen to others’ opinion
Don’t pitch in but still expect things as per their own way

Now you’re clear, who I’m talking about

Can you avoid them or maintain distance from them permanently?

No, it’s not possible

Then what you need to do.

You need to learn, how to work together and deal with them in different situations.

In this article, I ‘m going to show you the best techniques that will help you in dealing with difficult people at work.

Before we get into more detail, first you need to be familiar with common behaviors and personality types.

You can learn to work together with difficult persons only when you understand why they act in a certain way.

Common behaviors of the difficult people at work include:

Constantly over their cell phone
Taking credits for others’ work
Showing others as unimportant in the workplace
Double standards, saying something and doing something
Yelling at others
Backstabbing others to get ahead
Undermining the professional contribution of others
Gossiping and discussing others
Stealing ideas and presenting it as their own
Constantly blaming others
Not pulling their actual share of work
Showing off as they are genuinely concerned about work by sending emails of regular hours
Playing dirty politics for all sorts of things

Can you change other person’s behavior? No, it’s not in your control

So handling difficult people is more about you and your reaction.

The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.

E + R = 0

Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…

Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?

The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.

Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.

Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.

Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace

We come across different personalities in the workplace and its effects on stress.

For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.

1. The Anxious

These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with anxious people is not to discuss much and keep your mindset clean.

2. The Annoyed

These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.

3. The Negative-Minded

These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with negative people is to remain positive and ignore their negativity.

4. The Aggressive

These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.

5. The Hostile

These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.

6. The Blamer

These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.

Dealing with them:

To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.

7. The Staller

These people are bound to make a commitment.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.

8. The Perfectionist

These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.

9. The Overly Agreeable

These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.

10. The Gossip

These people talk about other people behind their backs

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.

Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work

Here is the most interesting thing…

Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work

1. Stay Calm

Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.

When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.

For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.

Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.

2. Listen to Others

Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.

When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.

To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.

So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.

3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity

This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:

Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion

Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.

4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive

Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.

If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.

When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.

Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.

So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.

5. Not to Take Anything Personally

In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.

Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.

So when dealing with difficult people at work don’t take their actions personally.

6. Detach Yourself

Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.

When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.

To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.

7. Use Appropriate Humor

Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.

Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.

Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting

The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.

8. Introspect and Take Responsibility

Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.

When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.

Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.

If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?

Why I ‘m feeling this way?
Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person?
You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.

9. Build a Rapport

Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.

When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.

Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.

So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.

10. Keep Your Power

Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief

When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.

When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.

So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.

11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger

Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.

When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.

So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.

12. Speak with the Person Directly

Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.

When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.

If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.

The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.

I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.

Take responsibility for what you say to others, speaking in terms of “I” and not “you“. In fact, this use of language is one of the easiest changes you can make for more confidence.

13. Keep Record of Your Conversations

When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.

Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.

This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.

14. Don’t Gossip

Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.

They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.

They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.

If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.

So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.

15. Pick Your Battles Carefully

Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.

No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battles wisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.

Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.

The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.

Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.

16. Understand Other Person’s Perception

Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.

For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.

This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.

This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.

17. Manage Your Emotions

The golden rule to deal with difficult people at work is to manage your own emotions.

To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.

The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.

Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.

18. Treat the Person with Respect

Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.

Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.

Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.

When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.

You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.

So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?

Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.

19. Be Professional

Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.

Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.

Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.

Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.

20. Keep a Healthy Distance

When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.

Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.

21. Don’t act Defensively

When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.

Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.

There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.

So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.

22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate

Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.

If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.

Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”

Conclusion

Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them

Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.

If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.

Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.

I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.

22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work

July 7, 2021/in Difficult Behaviour, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Personalities at Work /by Rhonda

By Harish Saras

https://www.harishsaras.com/

Let’s be honest…

Are you getting crazy at work due to other person’s behavior or attitude?

Have you ever worked with someone who doesn’t seem to get along with you? Is it challenging to deal with difficult people at work?

We’ve all encountered difficult people at work, regardless of the industry.

They may be your colleagues, managers or your boss.

What does it mean to be a difficult person?

By difficult people, we mean those whose behaviors or attitude don’t match with ours. They have certain characters which don’t match with ours. They…

Have certain personality traits that make it difficult for you to communicate with them
Push our buttons to push their agenda
Rarely listen to others’ opinion
Don’t pitch in but still expect things as per their own way

Now you’re clear, who I’m talking about

Can you avoid them or maintain distance from them permanently?

No, it’s not possible

Then what you need to do.

You need to learn, how to work together and deal with them in different situations.

In this article, I ‘m going to show you the best techniques that will help you in dealing with difficult people at work.

Before we get into more detail, first you need to be familiar with common behaviors and personality types.

You can learn to work together with difficult persons only when you understand why they act in a certain way.

Common behaviors of the difficult people at work include:

Constantly over their cell phone
Taking credits for others’ work
Showing others as unimportant in the workplace
Double standards, saying something and doing something
Yelling at others
Backstabbing others to get ahead
Undermining the professional contribution of others
Gossiping and discussing others
Stealing ideas and presenting it as their own
Constantly blaming others
Not pulling their actual share of work
Showing off as they are genuinely concerned about work by sending emails of regular hours
Playing dirty politics for all sorts of things

Can you change other person’s behavior? No, it’s not in your control

So handling difficult people is more about you and your reaction.

The only thing you have control over is your response to the behavior of a person.

E + R = 0

Above equation helps you to check where you stand after reacting to any event. The best exercise is to ask these 3 questions from yourself. What is…

Your typical Response to the particular event?
The usual Outcome?
The Outcome you want?

The outcome of an event will let you know whether you have handled the situation in a right way or not. If not, then you have to change your response to get the desired outcome.

Learn the tips to cultivate your mindset to respond appropriately in a particular moment.

Now I’ll take you through 10 different personalities. How you can assess their personality based on the behavior and deal with them.

Here are the 10 Difficult Personalities in the Workplace

We come across different personalities in the workplace and its effects on stress.

For example, the anxious, annoyed, ambitious, negative minded, aggressive, the hostile, the blamer, the staller, the perfectionist, the overly agreeable people, and the gossip.

1. The Anxious

These people get upset or nervous very early. Working alongside them becomes a nightmare. Have a constricted mind and negativity all the time. Not able to make sound decisions and have fear of losing their name and fame.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with anxious people is not to discuss much and keep your mindset clean.

2. The Annoyed

These people have personal hygiene issues, foul-smelling clothes or breath, drink heavily in the evening and then exudes the fetid smell of alcohol.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with annoyed people is to discuss and inform them upfront about the problem.

3. The Negative-Minded

These people are always filled with negativity and resist change. Point out the negatives and limitations of everyone and everything. Always try to create negative waves in those who are surrounded by them. Project the small things as the big one. Focus on their negativity and ignore the positive.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with negative people is to remain positive and ignore their negativity.

4. The Aggressive

These people expect the things as per their wish and timeline. If it doesn’t happen, they got exhausted, start making noise though nothing can be changed. When these people move in the position of power they increase the problem.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with aggressive people is to stay calm, acknowledge their comment, and restate calmly what they want. When someone is really aggressive, say to them that “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this”. and then take a break.

5. The Hostile

These people may get angry or pretend to be wrong. They use physically -aggressive body language.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with these people is not to reply to anything with anger. You need to listen and appreciate them to reduce their discomfort.

6. The Blamer

These people point the finger to others. Find fault in everything and avoid taking responsibility. The major issue is they shift responsibility to others whenever things go wrong in the office. They rarely accept their mistakes, bad decisions or poor performance. They cause undue stress in the workplace.

Dealing with them:

To deal with these people you have to understand their concerns and solve their problem. Maintain firm boundaries with them and not let them push you to a point where you are uncomfortable working with.

7. The Staller

These people are bound to make a commitment.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to go to the root level of fear and find out what information is required to take action.

8. The Perfectionist

These type of people are “expert” and shares their opinion about everything.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to discuss face to face and understand their true level of knowledge.

9. The Overly Agreeable

These people are more analytical and logical. They often agree on all the things but later on, express their true feelings and could not meet his commitments. These people are very rarely considered for promotion.

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with these people is to provide the facts and figure.

10. The Gossip

These people talk about other people behind their backs

Dealing with them:

The best way to deal with them is to stay out from any conversations and avoid sharing any details of personal life with the office gossip.

Watch the video to know about the difficult people at work

Here is the most interesting thing…

Here are the 22 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work

1. Stay Calm

Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance.

When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience.

For example, if someone is in angry mode or exhausting at the other end. While talking to him, be calm and say yes…, you’re right. Later checking his mood you can restate your point and discuss with him. He will listen you and solution may come quickly.

Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.

2. Listen to Others

Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So your focus should be on what other person is saying, not on what you want to say next.

When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing.

To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself.

So first listen more to others rather than saying them. It improves your credibility with them.

3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity

This is the most fundamental step in dealing with a difficult personal relationship. “S.T.O.P. stands for”:

Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion

Your personal relationship with the difficult person is good or bad. This model of giving pause will surely help you to derail the emotional reactions to take over in the heated moment.

4. Be Proactive, Not Reactive

Proactiveness is a simple way of changing others. Different people have different reactions and approaches. Some people respond better in a more direct approach.

If your co-worker spends a lot of time complaining, give them some constructive advice for a change. Because of their own issues, people do what they want to do.

When we maintain a cool head and act proactively, we can look at the situation with detached objectivity.

Conflict arises between people due to misunderstanding or due to misinterpretation.

So be proactive when you interact with others to reduce the chance of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.

5. Not to Take Anything Personally

In the workplace discussion, arguments and conflict all happen with colleagues or with the boss on some topic. Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Other person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you.

Different people have different behavior. It happens due to the cultural difference because people at work come from different backgrounds and walks of life.

So when dealing with difficult people at work don’t take their actions personally.

6. Detach Yourself

Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well.

When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.

To achieve and master this skill, you need to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Your main purpose should be as having a ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach with difficult people. Don’t allow them to behave irrationally with you.

7. Use Appropriate Humor

Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere.

Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner.

Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting

The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.

8. Introspect and Take Responsibility

Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.

When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.

Your feeling or thinking about the other person and situation is different. The person or situation is not making you feel anything.

If you start blaming others for your feeling or situation, it becomes easy to get overwhelmed and confused about what to do. Ask yourself these questions?

Why I ‘m feeling this way?
Is it a problem with me and how I feel, or the problem is with the other person?
You have to understand the role your reaction is playing in this situation.

9. Build a Rapport

Building rapport is the best way to understand another person.

When your colleague is in trouble or confused about what to do. You try to help them and suggest some solutions. When it works and they come out of the problem then they understand what kind of person you are.

Developing a relationship with the other person doesn’t affect your performance, confidence or productivity at work.

So consider always what can be done to mend the problem of other person and develop a relationship.

10. Keep Your Power

Keeping your power to sustain yourself while dealing with difficult people will give you some relief

When you feel depressed over something done to you, make a decision to keep your power. Keep yourself happy by building healthy thought patterns.

When someone says negative, don’t catch their negative words. Because you don’t know from which situation they’re going through. Maybe they’re likely feeling some sort of fear.

So don’t judge them based on the negativity and enjoy a resentment free-life.

11. Don’t Return Anger with Anger

Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things more worst.

When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.

So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.

12. Speak with the Person Directly

Direct discussion with the concerned person helps you to understand him/her better.

When you’re not happy with the other person’s reaction towards you. Speak to him one-to-one separately.

If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation.

The person accompanying you act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.

I would recommend taking accompany of HR during the conversation so that you can discuss with the person freely and he will also not feel any kind of threat.

Take responsibility for what you say to others, speaking in terms of “I” and not “you“. In fact, this use of language is one of the easiest changes you can make for more confidence.

13. Keep Record of Your Conversations

When you discuss with the difficult person, make a practice to keep a record of it.

Documenting everything on paper and then circulating a copy of it to HR is a good practice.

This helps you to avoid any conflict and ensure that your future recollection and discussion about the conversation is accurate.

14. Don’t Gossip

Gossip is very common in most workplaces. People have a habit of gossiping about each other.

They gossip about their co-workers, managers or the company’s prospects for success.

They don’t have complete information but they blow it all out of proportion which is more toxic than helpful.

If you’re asked about the situation, be honest and accept that there is a conflict but say that you’re not comfortable discussing it at work.

So please resist discussing others, if you don’t have a complete fact. This way you can avoid destructive gossip from your workplace.

15. Pick Your Battles Carefully

Keep a watch for difficult people on your job.

No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battles wisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down.

Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.

The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining.

Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.

16. Understand Other Person’s Perception

Whenever we come across someone with a difficult behavior, we start advising them to change themselves.

For example, we may encourage those who never contribute in the workplace “to stand up for himself” or those who are always complaining and criticizing “to be more positive in his thinking“.

This only causes them to resent us. The best way is to try to understand them, their values, and the situation that drives their decisions.

This will not only keep them relax but also encourages them to be more open-minded.

17. Manage Your Emotions

The golden rule to deal with difficult people at work is to manage your own emotions.

To master the skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinkings, and behaviors… your triggers.

The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day.

Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.

18. Treat the Person with Respect

Irrespective of other person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation.

Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it.

Someone has rightly said that”You can attract more people with sugar than vinegar“.

When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you.

You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.

So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.?

Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.

19. Be Professional

Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well.

Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind.

Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner.

Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.

20. Keep a Healthy Distance

When you’re dealing with difficult people, be diplomatic. Unless there is something important at stake, don’t waste your valuable time by trying to change or convince a person who is negatively entrenched.

Your intention may be to calm the other person down. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.

21. Don’t act Defensively

When we get defensive, it’s tough for our conversational counterpart to hear what we’re saying.

Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know your partner. So don’t get defensive while communicating with a difficult person.

There is a simple tool to avoid it in personal and professional life both. People need affirmations more than anything else. So affirm their point of view.

So always “stay on the front foot and start asking questions“. This will help to diffuse the situation.

22. Express Appreciation when Appropriate

Difficult persons don’t hurt you always. They’re also experienced and have skills in the certain area like us. They can help you learn a skill or give you insight.

If that happens then you appreciate their effort. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying to do the favor. Express your thanks to such a person without smiling. Because your words will sound more sincere that way.

Watch the video to know “How to deal with difficult people at work”

Conclusion

Whenever you’re dealing with difficult people at work: there are two options, Either you learn to live with them or you try to change them

Learning to live with them is the easiest route, as long as you have a strategy to deal with them.

If an employee works for you then you should make an effort to change them. Though it requires more work initially, if you are successful, then ensure that this problem no longer persists.

Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. Everyone will owe you a debt or a gratitude for that.

I hope you will find the above 22 strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.

Managing Abrasive Team Members

June 30, 2020/in Difficult Behaviour, Difficult People at Work, Personalities at Work /by Rhonda

Article and Video by:

Greg Schinkel, CSP
President Front Line Leadership Systems

Develop the skills your team needs to drive results and maximize engagement. Call us at 1-866-700-9043, email info@frontlineleadership.com or click here to contact us today.

How do you deal with the abrasive personalities that you interact with every day as a leader?

One of our most popular and most requested topics is how to deal with abrasive people.

These abrasive personalities could be your employees who report to you, or they could be your colleagues you interact with, or they could even be your manager or your supervisor. Whoever you are interacting with, how you deal with them is similar.

The first thing to understand is that abrasive personalities or abrasive people don’t think they are abrasive. They just think they are overly direct and get to the point and don’t beat around the bush.

If you confront them and say, “Hey, I have to talk to you about being abrasive,” they are going to say, “I don’t know what your problem is. You are just overly sensitive.” That being said, I do have a few tips for you on how to deal with the abrasive people in your sphere of influence.

Being a great leader means knowing how to lead many types of people.

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Number one is, focus on tasks and actions. These are not people who would like to talk about feelings because they think it’s just all messy. Rather focus on the job that needs to get done and its specific tasks. In other words, be task-oriented when speaking to these people.

The second tip is to focus on the facts. Abrasive people don’t think of anything except the evidence, the data, and the information and what it tells them. Of course, there are lots of ways to interpret data and information, but an abrasive person appreciates seeing something in black and white. Those are the things that they can get their head around.

The third tip is, let them be able to change their mind. Abrasive people don’t like to lose and don’t want to admit they were wrong to begin with. So, you’ve got to give them a chance to change their mind. That means not boxing them into a corner where they have to lash out at you but instead give them some time to process things and come to your way of thinking. It will be more successful for you to let them do that.

If you are dealing with abrasive people, and they are your employees, that is you are their supervisor or their leader, then you’re going to have to deal with this as a behavior issue. You are still going to use the same approaches, but this time you’re going to be very clear about their behavior currently versus what you would like to see happen. That way you can help them modify their behavior to meet your expectations and to reduce the conflicts they have with others.

This is the first of a two-part series. In the next Leader Feeder, we will be looking at how to deal with what to do if you are accused of being an abrasive leader, and how do you change your own behavior?

Watch the full video here.

Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People

November 16, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.

Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.

In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.

“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.

The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.

After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?

Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.

Complainers

Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.

Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.

Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.

When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.

“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”

Cynics

Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.

Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.

Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”

Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.

Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.

Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.

If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”

The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.

Controllers

Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.

Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.

Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”

Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.

Caretakers

Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.

Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.

Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.

“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.

Article By Meridith Levinson ,
As appeared on www.cio.com

The Art of Dealing With Difficult People

October 1, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Seven Ways to Ditch the Drama

Think you’re too spiritual to have someone challenging in your life? Not even that one difficult person? Perhaps someone in your office, a friend, professional colleague or, most likely, a family member? Most of us have at least one testing person that keeps us on our toes, or perhaps flat on the floor! Before you try to minimise and sugarcoat Uncle Bernie’s invasive behaviour, or Jane’s put-downs, let’s get real, up-close and nakedly honest. Some people are damn difficult. As much as you’d like to smudge, bless and breathe them out of your aura, people will push your buttons and rake up your shadow. They will ignite the embers of wounding in the volcano of your past, sometimes with as little as a throwaway comment.

Let’s face it, the world has difficult people in it, and no doubt sometimes you and I are problematic too.

As much as we like to say all people are good, kind and loving, unfortunately these good people often show up as irrevocably trying. There are bullies, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others, the environment or creating a better world. We’ve all met these types of wounded people. Maybe we’ve even been them at some point.

Truth is, the world is filled with wounded people, some more so than others. And unhappy people cause problems. We can often find people who are not as evolved as others. There, I said it! There are genuinely some people who have no problem stepping on others to get where they want to in life. Or who don’t understand why it’s wrong to get ahead by causing suffering to other people, the environment, or animals. People who live from a place of extreme individuation, truly thinking of only themselves.

There are bullies, abusers, narcissists, and people who really don’t care about others.

If you’re human, you’ve been at the receiving end of games, criticism, and no doubt been baited, reacted and then regretted it afterwards. But, there are ways to eradicate drama from your life and create greater wellbeing.

The Cycle of Human Relating

The Drama Triangle created by psychiatrist Steven Karpman, is a fantastic resource for explaining most of our dysfunctional relating. The triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If you’re in one of these spots, you’re fuelling drama in your life. We have no doubt all been part of this triangle at some point. Interestingly the archetypes move around the triangle. So the rescuer becomes the persecutor, the victim becomes the persecutor, or the persecutor becomes the rescuer, and the rescuer the victim. But all three positions feed and perpetuate each other, creating drama. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others. The only way out of this self-perpetuating craziness, is to step up, be responsible and an adult in your relating. No small feat sometimes!

So how do we deal with potentially volatile situations and difficult people? We all want to walk away from a disagreement feeling good about ourselves, and not because we ‘won.’ Perhaps it’s time to redefine winning. If you can walk away from a difficult encounter with your dignity, inner calm, hair and clothes intact, you’re doing well.

The Drama Triangle consists of the archetypes of persecutor, rescuer and victim.

The art of dealing with difficult people is really about feeling good about yourself. If you react, erupt or dump a scathing retort on a difficult person in your orbit, you will no doubt regret it. You could permanently damage a professional or personal relationship and end up beating yourself up, riddled with guilt or having to deal with an irrepressibly self-righteous relative or colleague for the rest of your days. And yes, that applies to the narcissistic boss, helicopter grandparent, vulture colleague that’s after your job, irrepressible gossip, or brutal ex-partner, and tormenting in-law. So, best to be dignified, calm and responsive when dealing with difficult people.

It’s far more powerful, and ultimately healing for all, if you can come from a place of clarity, power and a clear heart. Yup, be the bigger person. But not from an arrogant, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of a place. From a genuine desire for your own equanimity and the intention to prevent creating more problems for yourself and others.

Seven Sacred Tools

Here are seven sacred tools that could save you from escalating conflict and lighting the fires of anger within yourself and others, when dealing with difficult people and situations. I find they help me keep things in perspective, and to connect to the great ocean, instead of inhabiting the ripples on the surface of life.

Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it.

1. Keep to your Own Business

You don’t have to fix, change or make everything right. This is not your job, it’s not for you to do. You are in charge of your own life, have responsibility over how you live and how you show up, that’s it. Life becomes really simple when you follow this great wisdom teaching by Byron Katie:

I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. For me, the word God means ‘reality.’ Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone else’s control–I call that God’s business.

2. Presence

The presence or space you bring to a situation either magnifies the issues, or dilutes them. Bringing a peaceful, empowered, clear presence to a fiery situation can transform it. Having a heart uncluttered with hatred, anger and the desire for revenge is your best sacred weapon. This is why taking each interaction with that difficult person as a training ground for deeper empowerment, open heartedness and personal growth, is vital. If you’re being curious, open and aware that you’ve made a sacred contract to engage with life as a playground for being the best person you can be, and taking each opportunity as one for your greatest development and healing, the way you respond to situations will be completely new.

3. Focus on What is Real

It’s about realising the difficult person is trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear. You can help free yourself, and them, by not engaging with the monster of unexpressed emotion and trauma. Instead, remain connected to your own heart, inner strength and the spiritual truth, that we are all connected and, at the core, innately good. Training yourself to stop reacting to other people, and to look within to the charges igniting your reactivity, is the most effective way of dissolving ego in yourself.

Difficult people are trapped in a way of being, in belief systems, in hatred, in grief, in fear.

4. Having Resilience

This is by no means being naive or weak. It takes great courage and strength to be able to bypass poor behaviour without taking it personally and to be able to drop judgement and keep an open heart. Dealing with difficult people does not mean accepting bad behaviour. It means responding powerfully with strength and courage, and sometimes it means standing up. But we remain victims when we react to bad behaviour, are overly influenced and impacted by someone else’s wounding, projections, nastiness, vilification, put-downs and attempts to destabilise us.

5. Clear Boundaries

It’s not spiritual to let people get away with bad behaviour. You can head off much conflict and drama in your life by having clear boundaries, knowing yourself, walking away when you need to, not letting people dump on you and having a strong respect and love for yourself. This is not about putting up with negative behaviour, it’s about transforming its effect on you. You don’t need to join someone else’s drama party and let them suck you dry because they need attention or want to dump their negative emotions.

6. Moving Beyond being a Victim

You always have a choice in how you respond to situations. Even in the most severe of places, Auschwitz, people responded in powerful ways, when they chose to help others, or bring hope to the most extreme circumstances of the concentration camp. Choice is power. Use it well. Seeing situations for what they are, with wisdom and clarity, and staying unaffected is truly the journey from the victim to the powerful one.

It helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good, and evil, within each one of us.

7. Being an Extraordinary Human

Living with an intention to have heartfelt interactions, and to spread love and peace in your wake, is a powerful way to move through the world. When you have the underlying intention in your life to grow and evolve through whatever life throws at you, you have some power. The power of choice. This can truly transform any situation you meet with. Creating a mantra as a guiding light for the way you live your life, and reminding yourself of this agreement you have with yourself, particularly during conflict, will help you stay on course and ultimately ensure you have greater happiness.

If you hold grudges and grievances against people, given some time they’ll become part of your personality. Sometimes we can become addicted to being indignant and angry; it strengthens the ego and can give the illusion of having power. We’ve all witnessed that person in the restaurant who complains about every little detail. We don’t want to be that!

Learning how to deal well with conflict and difficult people is a vital life skill that can support you to be a powerful, conscious and compassionate human being. I think it helps to be mindful of the truth of the potential for good and evil within each one of us, and to cut yourself and others a little slack too. We all have bad days, and we all have multiple personalities living inside our head. Let’s just make sure we let the good ones out, well at least most of the time, and most certainly when conflict enters our orbit, as it inevitably will.

Article by, Azriel ReShel
As appeared on www.upliftconnect.com

How To Deal Effectively With Difficult People (And Some Other Secrets)

June 1, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

How to Deal Effectively With Difficult People (and Some Other Secrets)

It’s inevitable. At some point in your week, you’ll run into one of them. Those people who seem to turn a wonderful day into a dark one. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.

There are studies that demonstrate that people’s energy is contagious. If you’re happy and an angry person walks into the room, you can feel it. Your happiness is suddenly dampened. The angry person spews their negative energy upon anyone in their path, leaving you with the after-effects.

With a few key tools, you can repel that negativity and spread your happiness instead. With these tools, you’ll never have to lose your smile to a negative person.

1. Take A Deep Breath Or Three.

This allows you to take a moment to think about how you’ll respond to the other person. It’s amazing what a difference taking those extra moments can make.

Without taking that breath, you may lash out, get defensive, cower or unconsciously repeat your own negative patterns. This is how couples tend to have the same fights over and over again. They each press the same buttons of their partner and everyone reacts the same way they always have, repeating the patterns.

The only way to break the pattern is to slow down, become aware of them and make a different choice about how to respond.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally. Know That It’s Not About You.

Know that the other person has their own issues that have nothing to do with you. This can be anything from a bad day to a bad childhood that they haven’t chosen to do something about.

I have a family member whose school yearbooks have quotes from other students that all say something to the effect of: “You would be a great person if you weren’t so mean” or “if you weren’t such a bully.” He has continued to be a bully throughout his life. Being critical, judging others and being a bully all come from fear. Fear of not living up to some standard. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being loved or accepted. Bullies attempt to tear down others so they can feel better about themselves. They do it to almost everyone around them – not just you.

If the difficult person always focuses on a certain area like criticizing how others look or judging the work of others, know that this person has issues with how they see themselves. They’re tearing others down in those areas in order to feel better about themselves.

Sometimes friends can be a little nasty. If I know that’s not how they usually are, I‘ll ask them what’s happening in their life. Sometimes all they need is someone to listen to them to turn their mood around. And if I can’t help them to feel better, at least I’ve found the source of their negativity and I know it has nothing to do with me.

3. Put Yourself In Their Shoes.

Without a good understanding of where the other person is coming from, you can make snap judgments that only maintain the negative situation.

Sometimes I imagine the tough childhood of a bully: not getting the love they needed from their parents so they had many insecurities that led them to lash out at others in an attempt to feel better about themselves. When I see an adult bully, I imagine the poor little 12 year old not getting the love he or she needed. I then feel compassion for them which causes me to respond to them much differently than if I had felt that they were picking on me in particular.

Alternatively, if you know the difficult person is just having a bad day, put yourself in their shoes and think of some small thing you can do for them that might turn their mood around.

4. Get On Their Side And Don’t Get Defensive.

If the difficult person thinks that you’re working with them, it’s hard for them to fight you. Instead of getting defensive, ask what you can do to help them. They can’t get mad at you if you’re trying to help them.

5. Create Aa Much Distance As You Can Between The Two Of You.

Find reasons not to get together. Be busy when they ask for your time.

Difficult people feed off of the people who perpetuate their drama. When you avoid the person and diffuse the drama, they can’t maintain their nasty persona with you and they won’t seek you out.

You can keep difficult people from ruining your day by remembering these points. Ultimately, you can’t control other people. You can only control how you respond to them. It’s your response that makes a positive difference in your day and might even make that difficult person smile.

It’s Not All About Them

Now that you know how to deal with others, remember that these difficult people wouldn’t bother you so much if there wasn’t something similar inside you that you haven’t dealt with yet.

In a similar vein, you attract people to you for a reason. If you seem to be surrounded by difficult people or they show up in your work and personal life, ask yourself what lessons you need to learn from them.

Difficult people will continue to show up for you until you take responsibility for your own being.

Have you considered whether you’re the difficult person in other people’s lives? Take a few moments throughout your day to notice how others are responding to you. What do you find?

As appeared on www.simplemindfulness.com

How to deal with difficult people

May 24, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal, Contributors

NBC|Getty Images| Renee Faia as Alice, Jason Alexander as George Costanza on NBC’s “Seinfeld”

Every now and then, you’ll be confronted with a difficult person. Maybe it’s your manager who pressures you to make a work deadline. Or it’s your spouse who challenges you at every turn. Maybe it’s even the barista who gives you an attitude while he makes your latte at the local coffee shop. No matter who is giving you a hard time, there is a tried and true three-step method for responding to them in an effective way.

First, take a long breath. When you breath deeply, it will reorient your attention back to yourself. This will help you remember that you’re in control of your emotions and feelings. The difficult person doesn’t control you, and it’s up to you what your response will be. You are in charge of your life, and you’ll decide how to handle the difficult person.

Moreover, breathing has positive physiological effects such as lowering your blood pressure and changing the pH level of your blood. Respond to an angry person by first focusing on yourself and filling your lungs with oxygen.

Second, don’t take what they say personally. This can be tough because it’s easy to take what they say to heart. But when someone is angry or difficult, it’s their perception and their problem. They’re likely going through something that makes them uneasy. And it’s an issue that they are must work out for themselves or with professional help. Don’t let someone else control your attitude or mood.

Everyone sees the world differently and has their own perception. So why should you immediately adopt their view of the world? Just say to yourself “This isn’t about me. It’s about them.” If you take whatever they say personally, you’ll become defensive and respond out of emotion which will only elongate the back-and-forth argument and exacerbate the situation.

Third, ignore them. As long as someone is being mean, angry or difficult, ignore them. Walk away from them or go into another room or office. If you’re having a phone conversation, either hold the phone away from your ear or place the receiver on mute. After their anger or annoyance subsides, you can then embark upon a constructive conversation with them. You could even tell them, “Once you’re ready to work on finding a solution, we can have a conversation.”

But it’s not your responsibility to give them company while they’re being nasty or cruel towards you. By choosing to overlook their anger, you save yourself mental energy, and you can spend your time instead with people and friends who are more positive.

Commentary by Deepak Chopra and Kabir Sehgal. Chopra is the author of The Healing Self with Rudolph E. Tanzi, the founder ofThe Chopra Foundation, co-founder of Jiyo and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Sehgal is a New York Times bestselling author. He is a former vice president at JPMorgan Chase, multi-Grammy Award winner and U.S. Navy veteran. Chopra and Sehgal are co-creators of Home: Where Everyone Is Welcome, inspired by American immigrants.

As appeared on www.cnbc.com

3 Ways I Handle Conflict

May 18, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Don’t relish conflict, but don’t fear it. Handling conflict is one of the most misunderstood parts of our existence. It is often unpleasant; many people try to avoid it. Others seem to thrive on the stress of it. I think some even use it to overpower others. Maybe that’s why they look for opportunities to bully people.

However, conflict is best seen as an opportunity to understand our differences, since that’s when conflict usually arises: when we see something different. I handle conflict in the following 3 ways.

1. Think constructively.

When a problem comes up, think constructively. You are not attacking the other person, and hopefully, he is not attacking you, either. If he is, redirect him to the problem. That is what you both should be focused on: the principle, not the person. In this day and age, too many people resort to letting arguments become personal – name-calling, mockery, personal attacks. I suppose humans have always done it. We can’t stay focused on the matter before us so we get frustrated and lash out, or we realize that our position should change but we aren’t confident enough to do so. That seems to be the common approach to conflict. Don’t be like that. Be constructive. Be uncommon.

2. Stay focused on solutions and communication.

Admit when you’re wrong, but stand your ground when you’re right. I have always liked the movie Twelve Angry Men. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays a member of a jury charged with returning a verdict in a murder trial. The evidence appears clear-cut, and the other eleven are ready to return a guilty verdict and move on with their lives. But Fonda’s character is not satisfied that the evidence is conclusive and he feels the need to walk through it again, much to the dismay of the other eleven jurors. Time and time again, a vote is taken, and still, he stands alone. Some of the other jurors begin to make it personal. The room becomes very tense, but Fonda’s character just keeps his focus on the job they’ve been given to do.

He exhorts the other jurors to reexamine the evidence between each vote, and the votes begin to shift: 11-1, 10-2, 8-4, and so on. Finally, after reexamining the evidence a number of times, all of the jurors agree on a verdict of not guilty.

3. There are times to stand alone.

Sometimes we have to stand alone for an extended period of time. Other times, the mere act of our standing for what we believe in brings others with us, and we are no longer alone. Either way, conflict can serve to illuminate truth or illuminate differences. In any event, it doesn’t have to be feared.

Article by TONY DUNGY, As appeared on www.allprodad.com

Learn How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

April 12, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Dealing With Difficult People Is a Must for Your Career Success

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse.

Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too.

This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for awhile, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster.

Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.
Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.

If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

Article by, BY SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD

As appeared on www.thebalance.com

Dealing with Difficult People

March 5, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

In an article titled “Becoming Adept at Dealing with Difficult People and Avoiding Conflict,” Elizabeth Scott states people should “work to maintain a sense of humor.” She references shows such as “Modern Family” and suggests they can be used to help see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

By Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

February 1, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

About the Author,

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry. For more information on her speaking, visit www.DentalManagementU.com, or e-mail rhonda@dentalmanagementu.com.

The 3 Secrets to Conflict Resolution

December 15, 2017/in Bully, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Good leaders are great at resolving conflict. Great leaders keep conflict from arising in the first place. Here’s how they do it.

In engineering “friction” can be defined as any waste of energy that has been harnessed to produce work. Entrepreneurs grow wealthy by reducing the economic friction between buyers and sellers. In business there is a form of friction that all too often kills plans, wastes energy, and ruins friendships: people fighting with each other.

I’ve investigated my fair share of work place squabbles. I almost never found two-legged villains at the heart of the problem. Instead I discovered hard-working, well intentioned people that had unintentionally allowed a disembodied demon into their midst: Ambiguity.

In one instance a sales department and shipping department were at each other’s throats. Both sides were convinced that they were the victims of a combination of incompetence and evil intentions on the part of the other. After scraping away the rancor, I discovered that the sales department was upset because product was not being shipped “on time.” Shipping was fed up with getting a flood of orders late in the day that they could not possibly ship without working into the night. The real problem was that both sides were operating from entirely different assumptions about what “on time” meant. I quickly brokered an agreement: any order received by shipping before 2:00 PM would ship the same day. Later orders would ship the next. I wrote the new policy down and distributed it. When the ambiguity disappeared so did the problem and the rancor.

I have often argued that a trait that distinguishes great leaders is an ability to creatively use the tension produced by ambiguity. Great leaders don’t live in a black or white world. Instead they love shades of grey. However, this trait is most effective when applied to strategic decisions. It is ambiguity surrounding execution that so often leads to disaster. Business execution is like an intricate, multi-faceted relay race. Ambiguity about who is passing the baton to whom by when almost certainly means that the precious baton will hit the floor and the postmortem recriminations will begin. In business, “crisp execution” is the Holy Grail, and crisp execution relies on eliminating ambiguity.

Again and again I’ve brought warring parties together and patiently heard them out. Then I would politely make a request: “Where’s the paper trail?” In almost every case there was none. All I had to work with were verbal communications based solely on memory, open to an almost infinite variety of contradictory interpretations. This internal friction was usually not the result of either incompetence or bad intentions. It was the result of people operating from entirely different assumptions about their respective responsibilities.

I have developed a tactic to eliminate the problems caused by ambiguity before they can arise. While my memory is still fresh, I summarize in writing everything that was agreed upon in a meeting or phone call and send it to all the participants. I make sure to invite everyone to either “sign off” or get back to me if my summary is either incorrect or incomplete. I also copy everyone not at the meeting that may be affected by our decisions in order to avoid “blindsiding” them further down the road.

We often hear that success is largely a factor of how many friends we make. However, success also depends on how few enemies we make. Clear, written communication has proven remarkably successful at keeping my enemies to a minimum. This discipline also forces me during meetings to focus on negotiating clear, unambiguous, mutually agreed upon action items. This in turn moves the meeting, project or sale along much more quickly.

The vast majority of internal squabbles are leadership problems rather than people problems. It is management’s job to make sure that the process by which people enter into agreements is formalized without becoming burdensome. When disputes arise from miscommunication and misunderstanding, it is management’s fault for not having the policies, procedures, and processes in place that prevent such conflicts in the first place.

In our own company, we made it clear that we had zero interest in refereeing “I said, she said” disputes. It was our policy that substantive meetings should always produce an internal “contract;” and that these contracts should be clearly written, mutually agreed upon, and meticulously kept. Staying on top of this process took discipline, but in the long run it paid off handsomely in increased productivity, team work, and perhaps most importantly, morale. Once our people discovered that without the proper documentation their pleas for “justice” would fall on deaf ears, they quickly adapted and disputes were practically non-existent.

The first step to removing crippling ambiguity is overcoming our distaste for writing and learning how to write clearly and unambiguously. A commitment to follow up “soon” is ambiguous. A promise to follow up at 3:00 PM on November 16^th is not.

The second step is overcoming the misconception that creating a paper trail is a waste of valuable time. My typical summary takes three minutes to write. These communications not only make things run far more smoothly, but have saved me countless hours in ex post facto conflict resolution.

Step three is overcoming our tendency for using ambiguity as tool for staying off the hook. Ambiguity in business is often connected to our fear of accountability. We resist making clear commitments because someone may hold us accountable if something goes wrong. Much of human interaction, consciously or unconsciously, is an attempt to hold others accountable while avoiding accountability ourselves. We crave wiggle room and plausible deniability. As a result, we often default to ambiguous commitments like “I’ll try” rather than “I’ll do.” Only by courageously embracing accountability in our business and personal lives can the friction of ambiguity be successfully overcome. If you want accountability from others, you must offer it first yourself.

Article By, August Turak
(As appeared on forbes.com)

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

November 10, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Photo: Sam Edwards/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Photo: John Wildgoose/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.

What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Photo: Image Source RF/Cadalpe/Getty Images

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.

What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.

What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Photo: Henglein and Steets/Cultura/Getty Images

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.

What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty Images

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.

What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By,

Deepak Chopra, As appeared on oprah.com

Dealing With Difficult People

October 27, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Recognizing what drives them is the first step.

When you were 5, it was all about getting the cookie. Did you ask respectfully and get the cookie? Or did you yell and scream? Did you avoid making waves to get it? Or did you go behind your parents’ backs to get that cookie? Kids figure out what works and that communication style becomes part of their personality.

Being direct and open—communicating assertively—is healthiest and most efficient. While most people have a default style of communication, we all tend to use all four styles, depending on the situation and the person with whom we’re speaking. Communication is a learned skill, but it’s important to know we have a choice in how we communicate.

Passive-aggressive communication is the most challenging for others. If you’re faced with it, you don’t know where you stand; you may think the passive-aggressive is your friend, and you probably open up without realizing you risk being sabotaged. The passive-aggressive mode of operation is: “I will be nice to your face, but behind your back, I will do things to make you suffer in hell for the rest of your life.”

If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be taught a thing or two suffer—even just a teensy bit—you’re stepping close to that sneaky and devious world of the passive-aggressive. Don’t go there.

One passive-aggressive trait is gossiping and tattling. Anyone who says, “I am not a gossip,” probably is. If you hear disparaging words one minute followed by, “But she really is my good friend,” that’s another red flag.

When confronting someone for their passive-aggressive tendencies, realize they are motivated to seek revenge when they perceive an injustice done to them. You didn’t necessarily do them any wrong, but they believe your behavior inappropriate, unacceptable or unjust. Because they often believe their lives are controlled by others, they lack the skill, knowledge, desire and confidence to be assertive.

To deal with someone who communicates in a passive-aggressive style:

Talk openly and honestly to set an example of healthy, assertive communication and to minimize attacks.
Confront them and hold them accountable. Have them say to your face what they usually would say behind your back. If they’re giving you the silent treatment, ignore them.
Do not back down when they’re openly disagreeing with you.
Challenge inappropriate behavior in a positive, upbeat way, but prepare for the counterattack.

Indecisiveness:

The Passive Personality

Another difficult personality is the passive person, who wants to avoid confrontation at all costs. Passives don’t talk much and question even less. They don’t want to rock the boat because they have learned it’s safer.

Passive people lack self-confidence to communicate assertively. They don’t trust other people to respond positively to their assertive attempts. Passive people act like everything is perfect and put everyone else first, but inside, they often are a seething mess.

Why bother learning how to deal with passive people? They are the saintly, never-cause-a-fuss, do-whatever- you-want people, right? In truth, passives constantly create havoc because they never let you know where they stand. They’re too busy keeping the peace.

To deal with a passive person:

Be open, direct and honest, modeling assertive behavior.
Establish trust. Help passive people have the confidence to share their feelings and concerns by making them feel worthy and respected.
Encourage an environment of solving problems and discussing options.
Don’t let the passive person avoid confrontation. Resolve the issue immediately, rather than avoiding the problem as a passive personality is accustomed to doing.
Give the passive person permission to be decisive and praise them for their participation.

Inflicting Anger and Hurt:

The Aggressive Personality

Aggressive personality types use manipulation by inducing guilt, hurt, intimidation and control tactics. Covert or overt, aggressive people simply want their needs met—and right now!

People who communicate aggressively do it because it works. They’re bullies with words.

Aggressive communicators differ from those who are being assertive. While assertive people are forthright and open, aggressive communicators say what they mean, but they hold nothing back, usually at the expense of others’ feelings.

To deal effectively with someone communicating aggressively:

Assert yourself to neutralize the onslaught.
Confront them. Don’t let them get away with their manipulation or they won’t respect you.
Avoid emotional impulse reactions.
Be clear that the aggressive behavior is unacceptable.

The Healthy Personality:

Assertiveness

An assertive communication style is the only way to effectively deal with difficult people. Unfortunately, people use it the least.

Communicating assertively lets people know your needs, concerns and feelings in an open and honest way without threats, manipulation or hidden agendas. Assertive people ask questions, seek answers, look at all points of view and engage in meaningful, open-ended dialogue without anger, hurt feelings or defensiveness.

Remember, you always have a choice in your style of communication. You also have a choice in how people talk to you. Assertiveness will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build relationships professionally and personally.

Article By. Connie Podesta
As appeared on success.com

How To Manage Conflict At Work

October 19, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider. Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’re management. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t. It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Article by, Victor Lipman , an executive coach and author of The Type B Manager.

As appeared on forbes.com

How to Deal With Employees Who Don’t Get Along

September 7, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Blame it on personality, lifestyle or other factors, but sometimes employees just don’t mesh. And friction in the ranks can make your office feel like a war zone.

The tension can make the workplace uncomfortable for other employees and have a dramatic effect on productivity.

But, conflict between two employees isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation or creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully put out fires between feuding employees.

Step 1. Encourage employees to work it out

Remember you’re their manager, not their mother. Use your judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Managers should want their employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. Encourage your employees to manage their issues on their own. By reacting to every whine from a worker you may actually make the situation worse by feeding into the drama. This might be perceived as favoritism and turn other employees against you.

To do this successfully, first determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and the severity of the conflict. When you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know that you’re aware of the situation. You should also encourage open communication and resolution among employees. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

Understand that many people don’t like confrontation, so they may need guidance or talking points on how to approach the other person. Hold them accountable for their actions and for resolving the issue.

Step 2. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out and you’ll be forced to step in. Like a bad sore, if ignored too long, employee disputes can fester and infect the entire workplace and ultimately taint the reputation of your company. Workplace disputes that aren’t addressed eventually end up sucking other employees into the drama. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity. Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts.

Step 3. Listen to both sides

By the time you get involved, your office may already be buzzing with gossip. Don’t assume you know the situation based on the whispers you’ve heard around the office. First, deal with the two individuals or group of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about refocusing other staff members later. Sit the feuding employees down and ask each to explain their side of the story.

Some experts recommend this be done individually, while others believe you should discuss the problem with both at the same time. But before you do that, be sure to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. This way you can be sure you’re create an environment where you can discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees at the same time is the best course of action, provide each employee uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward.

As a manager, you need to be as objective as possible. You never, ever want to take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse.

Step 4. Identify the real issue

Often the cause of an argument between a group of employees can get clouded by the all the emotions that surround it. Try to get each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Ask them what they want to see as an outcome. Like a doctor, treating the symptoms only puts a Band-Aid over the issue. To avoid future flare ups, you need to get to the source. Only then, will you be able to come up with a permanent solution.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this or you don’t think you can be impartial, you may want to consider hiring a third-party mediator to handle the situation.

Step 5. Consult your employee handbook

Deciphering right from wrong may mean reviewing your company’s policy. Employee handbooks are designed to lay down consistent rules that each employee is expected to uphold at all times. Some examples policies that you may want to add into your employee handbook are “guidelines for appropriate conduct” and/or “conflict resolution policies.” More severe instances of conflict may move into the category of harassment or discrimination, so your handbook should also contain these policies as well as directions on how to file a complaint.

In order to offer a fair resolution, you’ll need to make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above the laws set forth in the workplace. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 6. Find a solution

Employers need to get employees focused on the job at hand. Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. That might require reorganizing teams or giving the employees time to “cool off” before they work together again. And remember, you have a business to run. If the conflicts continue, they could seriously affect productivity. And in some cases you may need to reevaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 7. Write it up

Employees may not like it, but it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. This will help you monitor behavior over time and keep an eye out for repeat offenders that may be polluting your office. Documenting incidents can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. Always write down details from each run-in an employee has had. Ensure that your write-up is fact-based and that you keep a copy in all involved employees’ files. Include the who, what, when, where and how as well as the resolution to which all parties agreed and committed.

Step 8. Teach them how to talk

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these problems have communication issues already. If you’re experiencing a lot of strife among your staff, you may want to provide communication and problem solving training. These courses teach employees how to effectively articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn will help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 9. Lead by example

Much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. A culture of respectful communication is a “top down” proposition. Business owners, directors, managers and other supervisors set the tone for interaction in the workplace.

By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that values integrity and communication. When you are open and honest, employees are more likely to do the same.

Looking for more tips on how to positively influence your team as a leader? Download our free magazine, The Insperity Guide to Leadership and Management.

Article by, by Insperity Staff in Leadership and management

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

June 27, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.

Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business

June 15, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.

1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.

2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.

3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.

4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.

5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.

6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.

7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.

8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.

9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.

10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.

Article by, Nathalie Boutet

Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.

As appeared on theglobeandmail.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

June 2, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.

Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?
They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.

You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.
Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.

If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

How to Manage Conflict

May 25, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

Overcome Your Fear of Confrontation and Conflict

May 18, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Build Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Multi-ethnic business people having a meaningful and appropriate confrontation.

A former colleague holds complete conversations in his head with people with whom he is angry. He rarely speaks directly with the other person. This anger in his mind continues to build because of his frustration, yet he never lets the other person know that he is frustrated and subsequently angry.

His conflict avoidance almost cost him his marriage because he didn’t let his wife into the conversations he was having with her but by himself.

It was almost too late by the time he did bring her into the real conversation.

His need to avoid confrontation is so strong that he has a safe confrontation in his mind and feels that he has dealt with the issue. As you can imagine, this doesn’t work – especially for the other person involved.

Are you guilty of holding mental conflicts and confrontations?

Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation. I understand the concept of having the conversation in your head; so you can plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sometimes these mental conversations are enough to settle the issue, as you realize you are making too much out of a simple situation.

I know that I have spent hours lying in bed at night having conversations with people with whom I am angry and frustrated. Not only does this practice disrupt your sleep, your attitude, and your health, it never really resolves the issue, and is potentially damaging to your relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you need to confront every action. If you have the conversation once in your head, don’t worry about it. If it comes back and you have it again, perhaps start thinking about holding a real conversation.

By the third in your head confrontation, you need to start planning how you will deal with the real confrontation because it looks as if you are going to need to do that.

How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation

Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.

For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.

Say instead, “It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see.”

(I’ve used additional communication techniques such as I-language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)

Make your initial statement and stop talking.

When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It’s a human tendency, but don’t make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.

Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.

Especially since you’ve probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it’s a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.

Avoid arguing during the confrontation.

Confrontation does not mean fight. It means that you need to state what you have say. Listen to what they have to say. Many times it actually ends right there.

Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take the blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.

Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.

If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, “You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah…” her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she’ll say something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week.”

If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don’t get into an argument about whether she did or didn’t mention anything to the boss last week – that isn’t really the issue and don’t let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.

Your response could be, “I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project.”

Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.

The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don’t fight.

The issue is you aren’t receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That’s it. It isn’t about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.

You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can’t stand up for yourself, who will?

Article By, Rhonda Scharf

Conflict Management Styles: The Start of Effective Conflict Management

May 5, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Conflict is part of life. Conflict is any situation in which people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings and experience. In other words, conflict means that two people experience discomforting differences.

Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves in disagreements with other people in all aspects of our lives: at work, in our relationships, in our volunteer activities. How we respond to provocation can determine if conflict moves in a beneficial or a harmful direction. The good news is that we can learn skills, strategies and processes to manage conflict.

The goal of conflict management is to manage yourself and others so as to bring about the best possible resolution of a conflict situation in terms of the issue at hand, the relationship. When handled effectively, conflict carries with it opportunity:

Better Relationships:
Conflict is a signal that changes might be necessary in the relationships or the situation so conflict management can build relationships. It also encourages listening and taking the perspective of the other person for greater rapport.

Better Outcomes:
Conflict stimulates problem-solving and open communication to arrive at better solutions.

Less Stress:
Conflict provides a means for expressing emotions which can ultimately clear the air and reduce tension.

Let us examine the first step in becoming an effective conflict manager: knowing how to use the 5 conflict management styles and strategies.

Conflict Management Styles

The start of being an effective conflict manager is being aware of your style in conflict and the style of those that you deal with. These styles were identified by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s to illustrate the options that we have in dealing with conflict.
There are 5 different styles for managing conflict. These are tendencies and we may use any one of these styles at different times. However, people tend to have one or two preferred or default waysof dealing with conflict.

1. Avoid
A person who avoids conflict does not deal the issue at hand when it arises. This means that neither his own concerns nor those of the other person are addressed. Avoiding might mean diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a threatening situation.

2. Accommodate
Someone who accommodates the other person in a conflict prefers to satisfy the concerns of the other person, thereby neglecting his own concerns. Accommodation carries with it an element of self-sacrifice. This mode might involve selfless generosity or charity or yielding to another’s point of view.

3. Compromise
The individual who prefers to compromise wants to find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution. Compromising addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.

4. Collaborate
In collaboration, the individual prefers to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. This is the best way to achieve the win/win solution: one where each party feels that he or she achieved his or her goals. It involves exploring an issue to identify the underlying interests of the parties in order to arrive at an outcome that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, or looking for a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.

5. Compete
An individual who competes pursues his or her own interests without regard to the other person’s goals and seeking to impose his power in order to win his position. Competing might mean standing up for one’s rights, defending a position believed to be right, or simply trying to win.

Conflict Management Strategies

These styles translate into 5 different strategies for managing conflict which are based on 4 factors:

•    issues: the extent to which the conflict involves important priorities, principles or values are involved in the conflict;
•    relationship: the importance of maintaining a close, mutually supportive relationship with the other party;
•    relative power: the power balance between you and the other party;
•    available time: how much time you have to resolve the issue.

By knowing when to use each strategy, you can begin to make choices about which is the most appropriate to the situation.

Let us take a closer look at when to use each strategy:

1. Avoid

Avoiding is an appropriate strategy where there is a clear advantage to waiting to resolve the conflict. When used as a choice, it helps to cool things down and reduce stress. Avoiding is appropriate when
•    the conflict is small and relationships are at stake
•    you are upset and need to time to cool off
•    there are more important issues to deal with
•    you have no power and you see no chance of getting your concerns met
•    you are too emotionally involved and others around you can solve the conflict more successfully.

However, if either the issue or the relationship between the parties is important, avoidance is a poor strategy because important decisions may be made by default and postponing resolution of the issue may make matters worse.

2. Accommodate

Accommodate is a good strategy when you find yourself in conflict over a fairly unimportant issue and you would like to resolve the conflict without straining your relationship with the other party. Someone who accommodates builds good will and can be perceived as reasonable. Collaborating is also an option, but it might not be worth the time. The focus is on the relationship, as opposed to the outcome.
Accommodate is the right strategy when
•    an issue is not as important to you as it is to the other person
•    you realize you are wrong
•    the time is not right to resolve the issue and you would prefer to simply build credit for the future
•    harmony in the relationship is extremely important.

The downside is that your ideas do not get sufficient attention and may be neglected, causing you to feel resentful. Moreover, you may lose credibility and influence if accommodation becomes a pattern.

3. Compromise

When dealing with moderately important issues, compromising can often lead to quick solutions. However, compromise does not completely satisfy either party, and compromise does not foster innovation the way that taking the time to collaborate can. Compromise helps to get to solutions and is good for overcoming impasses. It works when:
•    people of relatively equal power are equally committed to goals
•    you can save time by reaching intermediate resolution of parts of complex issues
•    the goals are moderately important.

However, compromise can backfire if the parties overlook important principles and long-term goals for the sake of the details. Moreover, it is not the best way to reach an optimal solution on important issues. The parties also risk engaging in excessive “horse-trading” while losing sight of the big picture.

4. Collaborate

Conflict management experts advocate collaboration as the best way to resolve a conflict over important issues. The premise is that teamwork and cooperation help all parties to achieve their goals while also maintaining the relationships. The process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties’ concerns. Collaboration is the way to achieve the best outcome on important issues as well as build good relationships since it takes into account all of the parties’ underlying interests.
Collaboration works best when:
•    the parties trust each other
•    it is important for all sides to buy into the outcome
•    the people involved are willing to change their thinking as more information is found and new options are suggested
•    the parties need to work through animosity and hard feelings.

The downside is that the process requires a lot of time and energy. If time is precious, compete or compromise might be a better solution.

5. Compete

Compete is a useful strategy when the outcome is extremely important and an immediate decision needs to be taken. It is efficient and effective when you need to take a stand. In that case, one must sometimes use power to win. Compete is appropriate when
•    you know you are right
•    time is short and a quick decision is needed
•    you need to stand up for your rights.

However, when used too often, compete can escalate the conflict, breed resentment among others and damage relationships.

How to Use Conflict Management Strategies
The first step in managing your conflicts is to be aware of your default style. Where has it worked for you? Where did it let you down? What were the consequences?

Once you know about the other styles and strategies, you can begin to apply them in the appropriate situation. The good news is that this is a skill that you can practice and eventually master.

In addition, once you know the different styles, you can identify them in the people with whom you are in conflict. This can help you to understand their perspective and frame the appropriate response.

By knowing the styles and how to use them effectively, you can begin to take charge of those uncomfortable conflict situations.

With these principles in mind, you are now ready for action. For more information, here is how to prepare for a conflict meeting and conduct a conflict negotiation.

Article by,

Astrid Baumgardner, JD, PCC is a professional life coach and lawyer, Coordinator of Career Strategies and Lecturer at the Yale School of Music and the founder and President of Astrid Baumgardner Coaching + Training, which is dedicated to helping musicians, lawyers and creative professionals take charge of their lives and experience authentic success. In addition to her work at YSM and her individual coaching practice, Astrid presents workshops at leading conservatories and law firms on topics including Career Planning, Goal-Setting, Time Management, Dynamic Communication, Conflict Management and Personal Branding and Networking. She is the author of numerous articles on the various aspects of how to achieve and live authentic success and blogs on career development and personal development for musicians creative professionals at www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog.

How Smart People Handle Difficult People

April 28, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negativity they spread, while others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos.

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife and worst of all stress.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus — an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success — when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.

Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people — caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response. Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 percent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

1. They set limits.

Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

2. They rise above.

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.

3. They stay aware of their emotions.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way — if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

4. They establish boundaries.

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

5. They don’t die in the fight.

Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

6. They don’t focus on problems — only solutions.

Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

7. They don’t forget.

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

8. They squash negative self-talk.

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

9. They get some sleep.

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

10. They use their support system.

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

Travis Bradberry

Award-winning co-author of the best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart — a consultancy that serves more than 75 percent of Fortune 500 companies and is a leading provider of emotional intelligence tests, training and certification.

His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and the Harvard Business Review.

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

April 20, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda