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Identifying Workplace Harassment

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You’ve got a colleague who deliberately leaves you off the email discussion, doesn’t invite you to meetings, openly seems hostile to you, and you are pretty sure they are talking smack behind your back to others. You know they not only don’t like you, but it feels like they are trying to get you fired!

Are you working with a difficult person, a bully, or is it actual harassment?

You’ve tried every technique you can to work with them. You’re uber polite, you go extra lengths to ensure you aren’t reacting to their treatment of you, and you spend countless hours worrying about why they are targeting you.

And nothing works. It may be time to contact your union representative, senior leadership, or human resources. Before you do, you want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not the “different personalities clashing” but, instead, legitimate harassment.

Does what they are doing qualify as harassment? Will your company take you seriously or tell you to grow up and act like adults? We know that regardless of the treatment’s title (harassment or not), it can deeply affect you. We also know that unless it does qualify as harassment, there is often very little a company can do about working with unprofessional and mean people.

Before you assume nothing can be done, let’s examine the types of workplace harassment that exist.

Please note that I am not giving you legal advice.

 

**Discriminatory Harassment:**

Epithets, slurs, jokes, negative stereotyping, or threatening, intimidating, or hostile acts that relate to a person’s race, color, religion, gender, national origin, age, disability, or other protected characteristics are discriminatory harassment. They create an intimidating or offensive environment for the victim and violate their rights to a fair and respectful workplace.

 

**Personal Harassment:**

If you are being subjected to offensive remarks for reasons not related to race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics, it could be personal harassment. For example, you could be harassed because someone is making fun of your stutter or how you walk. You feel belittled or undermined on either a personal or professional level. This form of harassment can deeply affect an individual’s confidence and mental health. This is classic bullying.

 

**Online Harassment or Cyberbullying:**

With the rise of technology and social media, online harassment has become increasingly prevalent. Cyberbullies may spread rumors, send threatening messages, or engage in other harmful behavior through digital platforms, creating distress and anxiety for their victims.

 

**Physical Harassment or Workplace Violence:**

I once heard a story of how an EA was on the receiving end of a stapler being hurled at her and another where the manager stomped on her mobile phone (the rule said no mobile phones at work). Both of these examples qualify as they involve a physical attack, property damage, or threats of harm. In extreme cases, it may escalate to physical assault, posing serious risks to the victim’s safety and well-being.

 

**Power Harassment:**

If you feel that your job or employment is being threatened by a supervisor, you might feel helpless and vulnerable, like you have no choice but to “take it.” If there is a power imbalance between the target and the harasser (who could be your manager or supervisor), you might be experiencing power harassment. Of course, this is harder to prove unless you have documentation that your job is being threatened, etc.

 

**Retaliation Harassment:**

Retaliation harassment occurs when individuals target others as a form of revenge or to prevent certain behaviors. This can create a toxic cycle of harassment and retaliation within the workplace, further exacerbating tensions and conflicts. For instance, if you didn’t prioritize a task the way your harasser wanted you to, they retaliate and don’t approve your vacation request on time, etc., or they threaten to call the police about a family member’s behavior.

 

**Sexual Harassment:**

Sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual advances or behavior, creating a hostile work environment for the victim. Quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs when a superior demands sexual favors in exchange for employment benefits or threatens negative consequences for refusal.

There are situations that happen every day that don’t fall into these categories, and organizations struggle to know what to do. However, if your situation is defined by one of these categories, the problem is much easier to deal with.

Don’t assume your company, Human Resources department, or union won’t help you. If you qualify – they will help you. We need to prevent harassment in all forms so that everyone can work in a safer, more supportive environment.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not from artificial intelligence.

Identifying Workplace Harassment

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You’ve got a colleague who deliberately leaves you off the email discussion, doesn’t invite you to meetings, openly seems hostile to you, and you are pretty sure they are talking smack behind your back to others. You know they not only don’t like you, but it feels like they are trying to get you fired!

Are you working with a difficult person, a bully, or is it actual harassment?

You’ve tried every technique you can to work with them. You’re uber polite, you go extra lengths to ensure you aren’t reacting to their treatment of you, and you spend countless hours worrying about why they are targeting you.

And nothing works. It may be time to contact your union representative, senior leadership, or human resources. Before you do, you want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not the “different personalities clashing” but, instead, legitimate harassment.

Does what they are doing qualify as harassment? Will your company take you seriously or tell you to grow up and act like adults? We know that regardless of the treatment’s title (harassment or not), it can deeply affect you. We also know that unless it does qualify as harassment, there is often very little a company can do about working with unprofessional and mean people.

Before you assume nothing can be done, let’s examine the types of workplace harassment that exist.

Please note that I am not giving you legal advice.

 

**Discriminatory Harassment:**

Epithets, slurs, jokes, negative stereotyping, or threatening, intimidating, or hostile acts that relate to a person’s race, color, religion, gender, national origin, age, disability, or other protected characteristics are discriminatory harassment. They create an intimidating or offensive environment for the victim and violate their rights to a fair and respectful workplace.

 

**Personal Harassment:**

If you are being subjected to offensive remarks for reasons not related to race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics, it could be personal harassment. For example, you could be harassed because someone is making fun of your stutter or how you walk. You feel belittled or undermined on either a personal or professional level. This form of harassment can deeply affect an individual’s confidence and mental health. This is classic bullying.

 

**Online Harassment or Cyberbullying:**

With the rise of technology and social media, online harassment has become increasingly prevalent. Cyberbullies may spread rumors, send threatening messages, or engage in other harmful behavior through digital platforms, creating distress and anxiety for their victims.

 

**Physical Harassment or Workplace Violence:**

I once heard a story of how an EA was on the receiving end of a stapler being hurled at her and another where the manager stomped on her mobile phone (the rule said no mobile phones at work). Both of these examples qualify as they involve a physical attack, property damage, or threats of harm. In extreme cases, it may escalate to physical assault, posing serious risks to the victim’s safety and well-being.

 

**Power Harassment:**

If you feel that your job or employment is being threatened by a supervisor, you might feel helpless and vulnerable, like you have no choice but to “take it.” If there is a power imbalance between the target and the harasser (who could be your manager or supervisor), you might be experiencing power harassment. Of course, this is harder to prove unless you have documentation that your job is being threatened, etc.

 

**Retaliation Harassment:**

Retaliation harassment occurs when individuals target others as a form of revenge or to prevent certain behaviors. This can create a toxic cycle of harassment and retaliation within the workplace, further exacerbating tensions and conflicts. For instance, if you didn’t prioritize a task the way your harasser wanted you to, they retaliate and don’t approve your vacation request on time, etc., or they threaten to call the police about a family member’s behavior.

 

**Sexual Harassment:**

Sexual harassment involves unwanted sexual advances or behavior, creating a hostile work environment for the victim. Quid pro quo sexual harassment occurs when a superior demands sexual favors in exchange for employment benefits or threatens negative consequences for refusal.

There are situations that happen every day that don’t fall into these categories, and organizations struggle to know what to do. However, if your situation is defined by one of these categories, the problem is much easier to deal with.

Don’t assume your company, Human Resources department, or union won’t help you. If you qualify – they will help you. We need to prevent harassment in all forms so that everyone can work in a safer, more supportive environment.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not from artificial intelligence.

Dealing with Conflict and Tension with Clarity

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Imagine this. Monica was upset that she wasn’t included in the initial admin training workshop you arranged. It was limited attendance, and you chose the 25 admins that you felt would be best suited for the workshop, and she wasn’t one of them.

She interpreted that she wasn’t invited to the workshop as a personal affront from you. Her response to the situation was to email all the admins and all the executives complaining that she was shunned and not invited to the workshop. She accused you of being unprofessional and inviting only your friends. At no point did Monica come to you to talk about it; she wasn’t aware that the attendance was limited, and she assumed it was personal.

Without any warning or wrongdoing on your part, you are at the receiving end of a very public issue. There is now tension between you and Monica. Tension is conflict.

It happens in every workplace. Everything is going fine one day, and the next, it isn’t. Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment.

Conflict happens at work. It can be as simple as being left out of an email chain or as complex as workplace harassment. Clarity is the answer.

Conflict is how we describe tension. It happens in every workplace; it happens in every relationship. It doesn’t mean you need to get a new job any more than it means you need to get a new life partner. It does mean you need to know how to deal with the tension when it happens.

You can ignore it, which of course, doesn’t fix anything at all. Or, you can deal with it.

Dealing with the tension certainly isn’t easy. It takes willingness to confront the person and the issue. The challenge lies in the fact that most people confuse the issue by complicating it.

Often, then we decide to confront the situation, we have already left the issue to fester. Many times, we ignore the first time the problem arises, thinking it is an anomaly. By the time we are typically ready to deal with it, the situation is much bigger than the original issue.

Perhaps the reason Monica was triggered by not being invited was the culmination of a few other pieces of tension between the two of you. Maybe the fact that in her email, she publicly included not only all the admins at work but also the executive team was enough to make you do something about the tension between the two of you. From your perspective, she took it too far this time, and you will say something to her about it.

Clarity is fundamental in dealing with conflict professionally. We must be clear about the issue you want to discuss. There are usually several issues, but the ability to narrow the conversation down to one will help ensure success.

Normally, when we let things fester, it sounds like this:

“Monica, I cannot believe you sent an email to everyone without speaking to me first. You can imagine how embarrassed and mortified I am that you wouldn’t come to me first. I want to think that you know me better than to know that I wouldn’t exclude you. I had a limited number of people to invite, and I didn’t think you needed the training as much as the others did as you have great experience. Why did you do that?”

Does that sound like something you would say? It doesn’t sound aggressive; it outlines the issues and is respectful, right?

However, there is far too much going on in this statement. You’ve brought up too many issues, and the conversation won’t go well with too many issues. It won’t go well not because of what you said but because you brought far too many problems to the discussion.

From this five-sentence statement, you brought up the following issues;

–         You sent an email without speaking to me first

–         I was embarrassed and mortified

–         You should know I wouldn’t exclude you

–         I had a limited number of people for the training

–         I didn’t think you were a priority as much as the others

–         Why did you do all of this?

All of this confuses the issue at hand. You need to pick one. While you likely will have opportunities to speak on several issues, when we have a conversation/confrontation, you need to narrow it down to one issue. By having multiple issues, you are confusing the conversation, and it is hard to fix the problem when there are so many.

“Monica, I’m curious why you chose to send the email to all the admins and executives without speaking to me first?”

That’s all you need to say. Stop talking when you say it. You can choose whatever issue you want, but select only one issue.

Dealing with confrontation isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to receive the confrontation, and it certainly isn’t easy to deliver it. By ensuring we are clear on the issue, we set ourselves up for success.

Signs you are Dealing with a Narcissistic Boss and What to Do About it.

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Written by:

Katia Beeden

About

As a trauma-informed life coach, I help victims of narcissistic abuse to love and value themselves so they never allow toxic relationships into their lives again.

 

 

Do you dread going to work? Are you feeling so stressed out that when you’re away from your job, it’s all you can talk about? Are you working round the clock trying to prove yourself but the goalposts keep shifting? Are you tying yourself in knots trying to please your boss while at the same time, you’re terrified of them? Are you spending your work hours on edge, overwhelmed and burned out?

The term narcissist has become a buzzword for anyone who has a moderate dose of toxic traits. The thing is, in a stressful work environment, any one of us could behave badly on occasion. However, our empathy and shame keep us in check. We apologize, make amends and vow to do better.

The narcissistic boss expresses these negative characteristics on a daily basis. They have no shame and they feel no empathy. They feel perfectly justified abusing and exploiting those around them. They are bullies.

Instead of worrying about whether your boss is a narcissist or not, focus on yourself. Identify the coping mechanisms that are keeping you stuck in an abusive situation. The questions you need to ask yourself are NOT, “why is this happening to me?” Or, “is my boss a narcissist?” But, rather:

“Why am I tolerating this?”

“What limiting beliefs are enabling me to stay in an unhealthy and unsafe environment?”

“What inside of me thinks it is okay or normal to stay in an unsafe environment?”

This is where your work lies.

The sad truth is, if you don’t take care of yourself, you are the one that is going to come off second best.

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.” — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

As a personality disorder, narcissism exists on a spectrum. At its extreme, a malignant narcissist will maliciously sabotage your career. Hurting people is a game to them. It makes them feel powerful, omnipotent and in control. At the lesser end of the spectrum, you have a lazy, self-absorbed boss. They steal your ideas and swing between praising you and devaluing you.

All narcissists are energy vampires. They create drama to feed off your negative emotions. You find yourself walking on egg-shells and performing acrobatics to please them — to no avail. Narcissists are dismissive, entitled and grandiose. The moment anyone else captures the spotlight, they become jealous, envious and resentful.

Narcissistic bosses see their employees as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. As an employee, your primary role is to affirm your narcissistic boss’s grandiose self image. They are amazing, talented, sexy rock stars and you are one of their groupies. You are lucky to even be in their presence. Working for such a godlike icon is a gift and you better appreciate it.

Your primary role is to mirror to them how wonderful they are. Your job is to admire, praise and generally provide fuel for the narcissist’s inflated ego. There is no room for your creativity, strength, contribution or ideas. If they do not uplift your narcissistic boss’s reputation, they’re dismissed. You are not allowed to shine.

A narcissistic boss does not see you as an equal contributor. They have an inflated sense of their own importance and see themselves as above mere mortals such as you. You are and always will be a subordinate. If your narcissistic boss sees potential in you, they will view it as a direct threat. Instead of mentoring and growing you, they will sabotage you and drive you out of the company. They will heap praise and privileges onto those they can manipulate and use to do their bidding.

At their core, a narcissist is insecure. They will do whatever it takes to protect their false self. The classic narcissistic abuse cycle is: Idealize or love-bomb, devalue and discard. At first, your narcissistic boss idealizes you. You can do no wrong and you feel confident in your role. As time passes, you fail to remain as a fresh source of narcissistic supply. To extract the same levels of narcissistic supply from you, they begin to devalue you. They switch from positive reinforcement to negative reinforcement. Eventually, you are forced to leave, which is the discard.

Signs your boss is toxic or narcissistic

1. Micromanaging and Nitpicking.

Suddenly, your work is not up to scratch. You are criticized, ignored, abused and invalidated. What starts as small criticisms, escalates. You have sleepless nights trying to figure out what you have done or said wrong.

You have done nothing wrong!

Your narcissistic boss is manipulating and devaluing you on purpose. They feed off your negative reactions. It’s a game to them and a way of getting narcissistic supply. The longer you stay in the game, the longer the abuse will continue. It will never stop — it will only escalate and get worse. If for some reason, your boss is playing nice, it’s only because they want or need something from you.

The criticism is not constructive. Rather, it’s intended to confuse and devalue you and your work. Use the grey rock technique.

2. Watching your every move.

Narcissists are paranoid and they are control freaks. Your narcissistic boss insists you fill out timesheets. Every second of your day is monitored. Spyware follows your keystrokes on your computer. Cameras capture your every move. You feel watched and spied on. Flying monkeys aka The Chosen Ones report back to the narcissist.

3. They devalue you by depersonalizing you. 

Instead of in-person communication, all communication is via email. Whenever you want to schedule a meeting they fob you off or don’t show up.

4. Withholding. 

Narcissistic bosses will abuse you by withholding information. They also withhold praise, raises and promotions. They exclude you from important meetings and emails.

5. Narcissistic bosses give low performance reviews. 

Despite your good work and ability to reach or exceed your targets, you repeatedly get passed over for promotion. They refuse your requests for a salary increase without a valid reason. These are clear signs that you are not valued and they don’t care about you. Document all the work you’ve put in so that you can back up your performance review with actual data. There’s a good chance they will falsely accuse you of under-performing. Value yourself and find a new job that values you!

6. Your narcissistic boss takes work away from you and gives you awful briefs.

They are letting you know they don’t value you. They may also be punishing you for some perceived slight.

7. They smear your name.

Out of the blue, your colleagues seem cold and distant. Trust your gut on this one and get to work on your exit strategy. It’s not your fault, you are dealing with a toxic personality. You cannot win against a narcissist. You are a threat to them and they want you gone.

Narcissistic bosses don’t like strong, creative people who are independent and autonomous. They prefer people they can manipulate and use. In a weird way, being the target of a narcissistic boss is a compliment. It’s a sign that you are not someone who can be easily manipulated! It’s a sign that you are strong and that you deserve better.

Narcissistic bosses keep “yes-men and yes-women” around them. They need people who are sycophants and will do their bidding. It’s not about performance or skill set with a narcissist. They promote and value those they can use and manipulate to make themselves look good.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Place your focus on your next project or job. I know I sound like a stuck record, but put your exit strategy in place. Move on — and up.

Tools to help you cope with your toxic boss (while you plan your escape).

Please note, these are short-term strategies. The best thing you can do for yourself is LEAVE. You can’t change a toxic environment. The longer you stay, the more it will damage you. No amount of money or perks are worth your health and your sanity.

1. Depersonalize the narcissist’s behavior.

Don’t take their rudeness personally. They are dysfunctional — not you. The negative atmosphere and the toxic vibes will wear you down. The narcissist will drain your energy. The longer you stay, the more exhausted and depleted you will become. Protect your energy. Don’t allow their toxicity to affect your health and peace of mind. Use mindfulness and breathing techniques. Put a protective bubble around yourself at work. Meditate, pray, call on your guardian angel. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

2. A narcissistic boss believes they are above the law.

Rules don’t apply to them. They will take short cuts, manipulate data and abuse their expense account. They have no qualms using unethical marketing practices to get what they want. If they get caught, they will shift the blame onto you or someone else.

3. Stop being so afraid of them!

Working in a constant state of fear is damaging to your health. Face your deepest fears and imagine them happening. Next, think of the steps you would take if you got fired, for example. You are never as trapped as you think you are. It’s an illusion. Your boss is not your source. God is. You are.

4. Stop expecting them to change.

Let go of the illusion that they will change. No matter how nice you are or how hard you work, a narcissistic boss will alway demand more. It isn’t your responsibility to help them see the error of their ways. Your responsibility is to survive.

When I worked in the advertising industry, I had to get HR involved. I was being targeted by an abusive boss. They were hauled over the coals and had to do mandatory training on how to manage a team.

For a while, things seemed to settle down. But once their training was over, the abuse escalated and became more covert. I chose to leave and found a new job. I realized the situation would never change.

5. Learn to stop caring so much.

Stop over-functioning and over-performing. A toxic boss does not deserve your best efforts. Save your energy and focus on your exit strategy. Give your overtime to your new employer who will value and appreciate the work you put in. See your current job as a stepping stone. Thank it for its lessons and ability to keep your bills covered. Keep moving forward — don’t get stuck there!

6. Narcissist bosses set you up for a failure.

They enjoy seeing you struggle and want you to feel incompetent. If you are being micromanaged, take care not to miss any of your deadlines. Do your work to the best of your ability. Keep your boss informed on how your projects are going. This is a good way for you to manage their micromanagement.

The hard truth is that your narcissistic boss does not care about your well-being at work. They don’t care about the negative impact their behavior has on you, the team or the company. They have no empathy. They only care about what makes them look good.

7. Narcissists are pathological liars.

They will bend the truth to serve their narrative without batting an eyelid. Don’t sink to their level, especially if your narcissistic boss is passive aggressive. It can be tempting to confront them. But you are not dealing with a mature adult! Trying to reason with them will not work. They know exactly what they are doing and they are doing it on purpose.

Studies have shown that things become worse for those who try to out a toxic boss. Rather focus on yourself, your mental health and your exit strategy. Keep your responses short and factual. Practice the grey rock technique and never react to their negativity. Rise above their provocations. Narcissists hate it when they can’t trigger you into a reaction. When they see they can’t get to you, they will move onto someone else.

8. Your colleagues are not your friends.

This is a hard one to swallow. In a work environment, these are situational relationships. NEVER complain to your coworkers about your boss. It’s natural to want to reach out for support, but nine times out of ten your complaints will get back to your boss. People talk and people gossip and at the end of the day, your coworkers will choose their paycheck over you. It’s a matter of survival. If you want to talk to someone, make sure it’s someone outside of work.

9. Narcissists have zero empathy and will overwork and underpay you.

If you are not one of your boss’s chosen few, you will be exploited. You may find yourself working overtime with no extra pay. You may be expected to run personal errands for your boss. Or, use your own resources, such as your vehicle, gas and airtime, without proper compensation.

10. Don’t expect praise for a job well done.

Narcissists do not like attention or admiration flowing anywhere except in their direction. They will only praise you if it makes them look good. Working harder to get their approval is a waste of time and energy. They will ignore your efforts and take secret pleasure in your pain.

Watch out if your performance threatens your narcissistic boss in any way. They will knock you down so that they can stay in the spotlight. To add insult to injury, they will steal all the credit for your hard work.

11. F.L.A.P.

Unfortunately, in the eyes of top management, your boss is always right. You are the one that will have to leave. Keep it professional — even if they are not being professional towards you. While you are looking for a new job, do your work and keep your side of the fence tidy. FLAP — Finish Like A Pro.

My Boss is a Narcissist, Now What?

If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, the best advice I can give you is GET OUT. Put an exit strategy in place (stuck record, I know) and keep your cool as you look for a new job. Put healthy boundaries in place and know that you deserve better.

Narcissistic bosses control you by making you scared of them. They use your fear against you. The more fear you have, the more powerful they feel. It’s important to release this fear. Fear causes anxiety which floods your body with cortisol and stress hormones. This puts a huge strain on your health. It’s not worth killing yourself over a job.

A narcissistic boss sets you back in your career. A toxic work environment filters into every area of your life. Like a cancer, it slowly kills you from the inside out. It can take years to recover from a toxic work environment. A toxic boss or manager can wear you down to the point where your health suffers.

The longer you stay, the more you are damaged by the toxicity. A narcissistic boss will chip away at your self-esteem. The constant stress and anxiety will eventually lead to depression. Life will begin to feel more and more unbearable.

Radically accept that this is who they are.

This is their character and personality. It will never change. There’s no point trying to give constructive feedback. Even HR can’t really help you. Your narcissistic boss will remain toxic.

Remember, you always have three choices in life:

1. Accept the situation

2. Change the situation

3. Leave the situation.

Once you realize you need to let go and move on, focus on taking care of yourself. Lean on your friends and family. Get excited about the new future you are creating for yourself. Never look back.

I hope you found this article helpful. If you suspect you have been narcissistically abused, I offer trauma-informed coaching sessions. Check out my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program or contact me to see if we are a fit. For deep soul-level healing, book and Akashic Records Reading. I offer a psycho-spiritual approach to healing. I believe mixing the logic of science with the alchemy of spirituality is the key to success! Download my free white Light Healing Meditation here.

References and Further Reading

When the Body says No, the Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté

Fuel by H.G. Tudor

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter A. Levine

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home. At Work. With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi

Energy Vampires by Dr. C Northrup

Learn to deal with a passive-aggressive boss like a pro

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By Allaya Cooks-Campbell

No matter what you do, you won’t always please your boss. Miscommunication, mistakes, and bad days are simply a part of the workplace experience.

But if your manager constantly seems upset without voicing their concerns, you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive boss. It can be hard to know for sure since they likely won’t approach criticism or feedback straightforwardly. Learning to recognize the tell-tale signs will help you combat this leadership fault.

What’s passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive aggression is behavior that indirectly expresses negative feelings like fear, anger, and frustration instead of openly communicating them.

For managers, passive-aggressive characteristics can look like the following:

  • Micromanaging workloads
  • Using backhanded compliments or sarcasm and then gaslighting those who react negatively
  • Not providing support to struggling employees
  • Deliberately ignoring and freezing out team members
  • Denying the resources or authority needed to complete a task
  • Issuing confusing instructions or changing requirements without notification
  • Negatively criticizing direct reports in public and never offering appreciation
  • Failing to take responsibility for mistakes, instead blaming others
  • Creating an environment of unhealthy competition that makes teamwork challenging

Passive-aggressive bosses often feel the need to please others to avoid conflict. But this means when they’re frustrated with an employee’s performance or their own workload, for example, they take it out in other ways, like confusing feedback or removing tasks without explaining why.

A manager’s leadership style affects the entire workplace. If your boss shows passive-aggressive tendencies, their attitude, and reluctance to effectively communicate can negatively impact employee morale, leading to feelings of insecurity, doubt, and resentment — all symptoms of a toxic work environment.

 

What causes passive-aggressive behavior?

It’s not your place to diagnose or resolve your boss’ issues. But sometimes being empathetic to the source of someone’s behavior can let you respond appropriately to their conduct and preserve your peace of mind. Here are a few common causes of passive aggression:

  • Childhood factors: Your manager may have grown up in a family that taught them to suppress negative emotions. Instead of learning a healthy communication style, they use sarcasm to vent feelings like anger, frustration, and fear. This could also lead them to dodge people and situations that generate these sentiments altogether.
  • Workplace factors: A work environment that frowns on expressing emotion could result in someone with poor communication skills resorting to passive-aggressiveness to voice their displeasure. And feeling burned out or stressed can also cause this behavior.
  • Insecurities: If your boss feels unsure of their position or abilities, they could attempt to transfer their shortcomings and frustrations onto employees.

None of these causes have anything to do with you personally or how you perform professionally. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of your boss’s shortcomings. Instead, you can learn how to shield yourself without guilt.

6 strategies for managing a passive-aggressive boss

While you’re not responsible for helping your boss, you can learn to deal with their behavior so you enjoy a more peaceful and positive work environment. Here are six strategies for dealing with someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies.

1. Identify their go-to behaviors

Knowing how your boss reacts to certain situations can help you prepare. Keep your eyes open for triggers and outcomes. For example, if your manager is hyper-controlling, issues vague instructions, or unnecessarily criticizes your team when dealing with a last-minute project, you can mitigate or avoid situations that cause this behavior.

Concerned-woman-with-collegues-at-a-meeting-passive-aggressive-boss

2. Take the high road

If your boss is rude or cryptic, remember that this behavior stems from something outside of you, like their upbringing or stress, and take the high road by remaining calm and positive. While this means you’ll have a better day, there’s also a chance your serenity and positivity might rub off on them.

3. Over-communicate as necessary

If you have questions, ask them face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. An in-person meeting or video call will let you ask follow-up questions and clarify expectations immediately without waiting for an email response. And when providing feedback to your manager, keep it constructive and impersonal to avoid feeding any of their insecurities.

4. Put everything in writing

Any time you have a meeting with your boss, take notes. Afterward, ask them to confirm you’ve understood instructions, expectations, and deadlines correctly. That way, you have proof if they go back on what they said to make you look incompetent or inferior.

Also request any clarification or notification of changes to a project’s scope or deliverables in writing, explaining that alignment is important and you want to ensure accuracy before moving forward.

5. Create a paper trail

Keep a record of your communications by printing out emails and DMs, saving them to a removable hard drive, or forwarding them to your personal email, so that you have proof if you ever need to take this issue to your human resources department.

6. Share your concerns

If you think they might respond well, request a one-on-one to discuss how their behavior impacts your working relationship and mental health. Be as helpful and constructive as possible, noting positive leadership habits and providing a possible solution to the problem.

Woman-talking-with-collegue-at-work-passive-aggressive-boss

Common passive-aggressive comments

Interactions with a passive-aggressive manager can leave you scratching your head. They often use wordplay that makes you question whether you’ve just been insulted, and asking them for clarity doesn’t usually help — they will likely claim you misunderstood or are being too sensitive.

This confusing behavior usually takes one of three forms: backhanded compliments, two-faced commentary, or dodging the question. Familiarizing yourself with some examples of passive-aggressive comments is a great first step to developing effective tactics to manage your interactions successfully.

Backhanded compliments

A tell-tale sign of a passive-aggressive personality is using so-called “compliments” to disguise hostility behind false praise. These are particularly insidious because, to a casual viewer, there’s nothing outwardly objectionable. Here are a few examples:

  • “New shoes and a new bag. Nice to see that promotion is paying off.”
  • “Check out how clean the copy is. Who knew an intern could produce such great work.”
  • “Congratulations on being the sales leader this month — you’re finally pulling your weight.”
  • “It must be lovely working for your best friend’s mom.”

Two-faced comments

Another typical passive-aggressive tactic is public sabotage. When you solicit a review of your work, your manager might claim everything is fine and agreeable. But in front of others, it’s a different story as your boss takes you by surprise, identifying multiple issues.

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These errors are often due to a lack of feedback or denial of the information or resources you need to complete the task correctly. Here are a couple of examples:

  • “Our latest social media marketing campaign underperformed because someone spent more time ordering coffee than focusing on promotion.”
  • “I don’t understand the errors in this report. I told Justin to fix them, but I guess he didn’t think it was important.”

Dodging questions

Some passive-aggressive bosses specialize in silent treatment. This tactic serves two purposes: it lets them avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation while keeping you unbalanced. Here are a couple of examples:

  • “You’ll have to ask someone else about that.”
  • “I don’t see how that question is relevant so I’m going to move on.”

Additional tips for managing passive-aggressive leadership

Working with a passive-aggressive manager requires finding a way to engage productively while maintaining a respectful distance to avoid negativity. It’s a juggling act, but these tips for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior will make it easier:

  • Address it: Being professional doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. If you feel compelled, question your manager’s comments and behavior. You might ask, “Is there a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder?” or “I don’t understand your joke. Could you please clarify what you meant?”
  • Limit interactions: Evaluate where and when you need direct contact with your boss and try to only interact with them during these times.
  • Put your active listening skills to work: If you want your boss to be receptive to feedback, making eye contact, smiling, and using welcoming body language — all key elements of active listening — might put them at ease.Man-listening-actively-to-coworker-passive-aggressive-boss
  • Report abuse: If you feel your manager’s bullying you, report this behavior to a human resources professional, bringing any documentation you have on the subject.

Remember: it’s not about you

Working with a passive-aggressive boss is like walking a never-ending tightrope. You’re in a constant state of vigilance and it’s exhausting. But remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.

That said, you also can’t force them to change. What you can do is control how you react to the situation. If you think you can put space between yourself and their actions, you should be able to retain your well-being.

But you deserve to feel valued, safe, and comfortable at work, and if that’s not possible here, consider looking elsewhere.

10 Phrases That Will Help You Handle a Micromanaging Boss

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Written by:

Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world.

 

If your boss is a micromanager—the kind who wants to maintain as much control over you as they can—you know how frustrating and irritating it is. It’s possible, though, to take back some control—and these phrases can help you make that happen. Use them to start an effective dialogue that can result in more autonomy and less micromanagement:

I’m going to do everything in my power to make you look good. If you tell your boss you want to make them look good, there is no reason for them to hound you. Accustomed to resistance, most micromanagers will be glad to hear something positive.

Your success is important to me. Feed the ego of your micromanager and let them know their success matters to you. Their controlling tendencies are likely to ease if they believe your mind is on them—as they want it to be.

Tell me how you like the work to be done. You may be able to circumvent a hovering micromanager by getting all the information up front. It will help you do the job you are supposed to do while also meeting their expectations.

I will do an excellent job for you. When you reassure a micromanager about the quality of your work and show them that excellence is important to you, you may be able to put their perfectionist mind at peace.

I know you want to help me succeed. Disarming a micromanager is important, and labeling their negative action into something positive may have them agreeing with you. Thank them and let them know you appreciate their investment. The recognition will make them feel good about themselves and it may help them give you some peace.

I value your guidance. This is another way of disarming the micromanager with a positive twist. If you acknowledge their counsel, you may be able to persuade them that you will come to them when you need them.

You sometimes know things about the situation that I don’t. This phrase feeds the micromanager’s ego and lets them know that you acknowledge their higher position and that you’ll check in when you need to know more.

All the hovering, adjustments and changes are affecting my productivity. If nothing else is getting through, tell the truth and be straightforward. Leaders are measured by how much their team achieves. They know that productivity issues reflect poorly on them.

I am going to show you how I do it on my own. Give the micromanager a rest by walking them through your own processes, showing them your competence and care.

I am always open to your feedback. Holding yourself open for your micromanager to teach, guide, and mentor can help keep your work relationship on the plane where it belongs.

A leader who’s constantly looking over their employees’ shoulders can inspire a lot of second-guessing and paranoia, and ultimately ends up running away their most talented people. To stop the micromanager—or at least get them out of your hair—try each of these approaches in turn until the situation is under control.

Lead From Within: Most people don’t take well to being micromanaged because it leads to a loss of control and autonomy. But there are steps you can take before you decide to leave.