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Combating Conflict: Five Questions for Better Self-Awareness

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By  / July 25, 2018

Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself says Julie Perrine

No workplace is completely without conflict. Even the closest of colleagues and co-workers will occasionally disagree over the division of labor, the proper setting on the office thermostat, and whose turn it is to make the afternoon coffee run.

You cannot control other people. You may be able to have a conversation with them about their behavior, but ultimately, it’s their decision whether they want or need to change. And since all you can control is yourself, it may be time to take a long, hard look at your own self-awareness in the workplace.

What Have You Done to Resolve the Conflict?

It can be difficult to initiate a crucial conversation. Our tendency is to avoid conflict, not initiate it. But when another’s actions affect your day-to-day duties (and sometimes, your sanity), it’s important to attempt to resolve the issue peacefully.

Try to see things from your colleague’s point of view. Do they understand how their actions are affecting you? Have you brought it up with them in the past? Are you doing something that may be inadvertently contributing to or even fueling the situation?

Fuming under your breath about how inconsiderate someone is doesn’t solve anything – you need to take action and attempt to resolve the conflict. A simple conversation may be all it takes to keep the peace.

Have You Taken Personality Types into Account?

Sometimes, we work great with one person and clash with another. Chances are the clash has nothing to do with them as an individual – it’s more likely that your personality types don’t mesh well.

Making an effort to understand the personality types of the others in your office can have tremendous career benefits. Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to a situation, take a step back and think, “Ok, this behavior seems insane to me, but maybe it’s just their communication or work style differs from mine.”

Don’t forget to take stock of your own personality type as well. There are a lot of excellent personality assessment tools you can use to learn a lot about your preferences and tendencies.

Can You Keep an Open Mind?

Not everyone functions the way you do – and that doesn’t mean they’re inherently wrong.

The fact is, you don’t know everyone’s story, and they don’t know yours. It’s possible that you do something that drives them just as crazy as they’re driving you.

Are You Open to Taking an Honest Look at Yourself?

In our own stories, we’re always the hero or the heroine. But other people may not cast us in the same light.

Take an honest look at your actions each day. Try to get a glimpse of yourself through your colleagues’ eyes. Are you taking long lunch breaks while everyone else is working on a group project? Wearing too much perfume? Flying off the handle at the slightest provocation?

If you’re unsure, try asking a trusted friend or family member. Solicit their feedback on your personality traits and habits. One of the biggest keys to being more self-aware is the ability to use constructive criticism to improve yourself!

What Can You Change?

No matter how hard you try, you can’t change other people. Instead, you may need to change yourself. Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself – not forcing others to improve themselves for your benefit.

Identify the key areas where you could make positive changes and then create a plan to implement them. Making an effort to improve doesn’t only benefit those we support; it benefits us, as well. You can go forward knowing that you, at least, are putting every effort into being the best assistant you can be!

Combating Conflict: Five Questions for Better Self-Awareness

/in , , , /by

By  / July 25, 2018

Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself says Julie Perrine

No workplace is completely without conflict. Even the closest of colleagues and co-workers will occasionally disagree over the division of labor, the proper setting on the office thermostat, and whose turn it is to make the afternoon coffee run.

You cannot control other people. You may be able to have a conversation with them about their behavior, but ultimately, it’s their decision whether they want or need to change. And since all you can control is yourself, it may be time to take a long, hard look at your own self-awareness in the workplace.

What Have You Done to Resolve the Conflict?

It can be difficult to initiate a crucial conversation. Our tendency is to avoid conflict, not initiate it. But when another’s actions affect your day-to-day duties (and sometimes, your sanity), it’s important to attempt to resolve the issue peacefully.

Try to see things from your colleague’s point of view. Do they understand how their actions are affecting you? Have you brought it up with them in the past? Are you doing something that may be inadvertently contributing to or even fueling the situation?

Fuming under your breath about how inconsiderate someone is doesn’t solve anything – you need to take action and attempt to resolve the conflict. A simple conversation may be all it takes to keep the peace.

Have You Taken Personality Types into Account?

Sometimes, we work great with one person and clash with another. Chances are the clash has nothing to do with them as an individual – it’s more likely that your personality types don’t mesh well.

Making an effort to understand the personality types of the others in your office can have tremendous career benefits. Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to a situation, take a step back and think, “Ok, this behavior seems insane to me, but maybe it’s just their communication or work style differs from mine.”

Don’t forget to take stock of your own personality type as well. There are a lot of excellent personality assessment tools you can use to learn a lot about your preferences and tendencies.

Can You Keep an Open Mind?

Not everyone functions the way you do – and that doesn’t mean they’re inherently wrong.

The fact is, you don’t know everyone’s story, and they don’t know yours. It’s possible that you do something that drives them just as crazy as they’re driving you.

Are You Open to Taking an Honest Look at Yourself?

In our own stories, we’re always the hero or the heroine. But other people may not cast us in the same light.

Take an honest look at your actions each day. Try to get a glimpse of yourself through your colleagues’ eyes. Are you taking long lunch breaks while everyone else is working on a group project? Wearing too much perfume? Flying off the handle at the slightest provocation?

If you’re unsure, try asking a trusted friend or family member. Solicit their feedback on your personality traits and habits. One of the biggest keys to being more self-aware is the ability to use constructive criticism to improve yourself!

What Can You Change?

No matter how hard you try, you can’t change other people. Instead, you may need to change yourself. Self-awareness is all about being open to improving yourself – not forcing others to improve themselves for your benefit.

Identify the key areas where you could make positive changes and then create a plan to implement them. Making an effort to improve doesn’t only benefit those we support; it benefits us, as well. You can go forward knowing that you, at least, are putting every effort into being the best assistant you can be!

Dealing with difficult customers during COVID

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13 Sep Dealing with difficult customers during COVID

Posted at 14:39h in News by Vickie Burkinshaw 

During these challenging times people may be behaving differently or more erratically. Panic, uncertainty and frustration can impact on the way a person interacts with another. Which means it is likely we will be dealing with difficult customers. We can manage our customer interactions more effectively by putting ourselves in our customers shoes and using techniques to diminish or avoid conflict.

‘The crisis of yesterday is the joke of tomorrow.’ – HG Wells

 

Types of human response

What I have observed during the pandemic, especially in my gallery café, is how customers tend to fall into four different categories of human response:

  1. The Doomsday Prepper – these are the people who went into self isolation before they needed to. They have resources and they are not prepared to take any personal risks or risks on behalf of their family. They could be immunocompromised.
  2. The Bullet Proof Contender – these are the people who do not like to be told what to do and will break the rules if they can get away with it. They believe the virus is not an issue – ‘it won’t happen to me, I know what to do’.
  3. The Rule Follower – I will do what you tell me for the greater good. I need rules to follow or I will feel out of control.
  4. The Casual Observer – If it gets really bad I will do something, but if it does come near me it does not matter.

By recognising the type of personality you are dealing with you can be better prepared to understand their perspective and adjust your language in order to develop a constructive conversation.

Furthermore, by anticipating conflict you can manage it more effectively.

3 ways to avoid conflict

There are three ways to avoid conflict spiralling out of control.

  1. Identify early. Look for verbal and non-verbal clues. For example: tone of voice, pace of entry, signs of agitation.
  2. Cut it off before it starts. If you have identified a potential incident take the discussion away from others in order to try and diffuse the situation from escalating.
  3. Be prepared. Have systems and processes, policies and procedures, and training to help diminish the opportunity for an issue to escalate.

10 ways to deal with difficult customers

If you have to deal with a difficult customer there are ten strategies to help you resolve the issue.

1. Practice active listening

Active listening involves the listener observing the speaker’s behaviour and body language. Having the ability to interpret a person’s body language lets the listener develop a more accurate understanding of the speaker’s message. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speaker’s words.

This means not talking over the customer or arguing with them. Let the customer have their say, even if you know what they are going to say next, that they don’t have all the information or that they are mistaken. As you listen, take the opportunity to build rapport with the customer.

2. Show empathy

Assume they have the right to be annoyed and you will engage with the situation in a more empathetic manner. Put yourself in the customer’s shoes. Echo the source of their frustration and show you understand their position and situation. If you can empathise with a customer’s problem, it will help calm them down. If you nod (in person) or verbally ‘nod’ (during a call), the customer will feel better understood.

3. Use your voice

If the customer gets louder, speak slowly, in a low tone. Your calm demeanour can carry over to them and help them to settle down. As you approach the situation with a calm, clear mind, unaffected by the customer’s tone or volume, their anger will generally dissipate.

4. Pretend the world is watching (or your Grandma is in the room!)

Pretend you are not talking only to the customer but to an audience that is watching the interaction. This shift in perspective can provide an emotional buffer if the customer is being verbally abusive and will allow you to think more clearly when responding. Since an unruly customer can be a negative referral, assume they’ll repeat the conversation to other potential customers. This mindset can help you do your best to address their concerns in a calming way.

5. Know when to give in

If it is apparent that satisfying a rude customer is going to take two hours and a bottle of aspirin, and still result in negative referrals, it may be better to take the high road and draw a compromise in their favor. This will give you more time to nurture other, more productive customer relationships. Keep in mind that the interaction is atypical of customers and you’re dealing with an exception.

6. Stay calm

If the customer is swearing or being verbally abusive, take a deep breath and continue as if you didn’t hear them. Responding in kind will not solve anything, and it will usually escalate the situation. Instead, remind the customer that you are there to help them and are their best immediate chance of resolving the situation. This simple statement often helps defuse the situation.

7. Don’t take it personally

Always speak to the issue at hand and do not get personal, even if the customer does. Remember the customer might not know you and is just venting frustration and you are on the receiving end. Gently guide the conversation back to the issue and how you intend to resolve it.

8. Close the deal

Everyone has an occasional bad day. Maybe your rude customer had a fight with their spouse, got a speeding ticket that morning or had a recent run of bad luck. We’ve all been there, to some degree. Try to empathize and make their day better by being a pleasant voice of reason – it will ll make you feel good too.

9. Follow through

At the end of the interaction let the customer know exactly what to expect, and then be sure to follow through on your promises. Document the interaction to ensure you’re well prepared for the next interaction. If you promised an update, call the customer at the scheduled time. The customer will be reassured that you are not trying to dodge them and will appreciate the follow-up.

10. Reflect

Like our customers we too are human and will not get it right every time! That’s ok. Learn from it and expect it might happen again.

We know these are challenging times and many people are not coping. By thinking about the issue from their perspective, being empathetic and understanding we can help them and ourselves through this difficult historical episode.

Can You Take the High Road?

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Warren and I had just walked out of the store and were about to get into our car when two men jumped out of their cars and started yelling obscenities at each other. Everyone seemed to freeze and watch the scene unfold. It was tense, the situation quickly escalated, and each man seemed to get more aggressive as the seconds ticked by. One man advanced on the other and cornered him into his car. It was much too close for physical distancing and much too close for the anger that was displayed. Warren and I stayed a safe distance away but watched in horror as they behaved like anything but adults.

Emotions quickly spike when stress levels are high. It is easy to tell others to keep their cool, but we all know that in the moment, it is very easy to say “take the high road” but very difficult to do, especially if you feel the attack was personal. Each of the men in the parking lot felt the other had deliberately caused potential harm to him. Once the insults and obscenities started to fly, it was pretty hard for them not to take it personally.

https://clicktotweet.com/3jcN8

Here are three tips to help you:

1. Remind yourself that it is NOT about you! We all tend to personalize our experiences in life. Take that coworker who walks past your desk every morning and never seems to acknowledge you, smile, say hello, or start a conversation. It is easy to assume this person is deliberately ignoring you and to take their affront personally. We will question why they say hello to one person and not to you and assume they are ignoring you deliberately.

They likely aren’t ignoring you. They are probably a million miles inside their heads and aren’t thinking about you, aren’t thinking that you are taking this personally, and aren’t trying to be rude either. They just are thinking about something else.

When you default to taking things personally, take a time-out and ask if there is possibly another explanation that has nothing to do with you. Take the high road, and don’t assume that their behavior is a personal attack. It likely isn’t.

2. Learn to bite your tongue. It is tempting to say what comes to mind in the heat of the situation, but it will cause tensions to rise rather than dissipate.

Learn to bite your tongue. It is tempting to say what comes to mind in the heat of the situation, but it will cause tensions to rise rather than dissipate.

https://clicktotweet.com/o6GaH

As you can imagine, the two men arguing in the parking lot last week were not biting their tongue. They were verbally attacking each other, which caused frustration on both sides.

If I were coaching one of the men, I would have coached him not to respond verbally to the other. That is the exact definition of taking the high road. We want to lash back; we want to defend. If your situation is happening at work, you may say something that will cause you to lose your job, ruin your reputation and/or credibility. It would have felt great in the moment to attack the other verbally, but the long-term effects wouldn’t be worth it.

Biting your tongue is an example of taking the high road. Don’t say what is on the tip of your tongue. While it can be satisfying to snap back with a smart retort, it may be something you regret.

3. Respond vs. React. When we react, we get caught up in the emotions of the situation. When we respond, we have thought through what we are going to say, why we are going to say it, and how we will say it. By taking that pause, we can avoid a situation that causes regret.

When the two men in the parking lot started yelling, one could choose to respond instead of reacting. That would mean that while one was yelling at the other, the second man wouldn’t be yelling back. The first man would quickly exhaust his anger because he wouldn’t have anything to react to, and the second man would be calm, cool, and collected by choosing to respond by saying nothing.

There are times when we do need to say things, but by choosing to wait, you can take the time to respond professionally and not emotionally. If you are going to have a conversation, give yourself a 24 hour wait time before saying what you want to say. Your emotions will be calmer; you will be more professional, you will be taking the high road.

Taking the high road, being graceful, professional, and classy, is not accidental. It’s intentional. Intentionally think about what you’re going to say. Intentionally think about when you’re going to say it. Intentionally remove yourself from personal feelings of what’s going on. Intentionally be careful about what you’re doing. Take that high road. I can pretty much guarantee you will never regret taking the high road, and you will regret taking the low road.

 

This article first appeared here:https://on-the-right-track.com/can-you-take-the-high-road/

Managing negative emotions improves health, career

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 BY 

How do you deal with negative emotions?

If your plan is to ignore them until they go away, it’s a bad idea. Because they won’t.

All they do is sit in your subconscious and rot until either they explode on whoever happens to be around – another bad idea – or they take it out on your body.

Why stuffing your emotions is bad for you

Some of those health consequences include:

  • Greater incidence of asthma
  • Higher blood pressure
  • Lower resistance to infectious disease
  • Increased allergic reactions
  • Abuse of alcohol or drugs or both
  • Overeating and weight gain
  • Higher cholesterol levels
  • Systemic inflammation, which is connected to heart disease, cancer and Alzheimer’s
  • Acceleration of aging (just what we need, yes?)

Other physical reactions include headaches, stomach and digestive issues such as ulcers, fatigue, depression, low back pain, neck pain and arthritis. Sudden emotional shocks can even cause heart attacks in healthy people. Notably, most of those were women.

In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate that 90% of doctors’ visits are linked to stress and the negative feelings that stress engenders.

When it comes to emotions, it’s “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

The very thing that can make women sick is also what makes them so great in business and in the professions.

Because they have high levels of emotional intelligence – or EQ – they can pick up on the feelings of others, manage people better and help build respect, trust and rapport. It gives them a collaborative approach to business dealings, instead of the traditional “my way or the highway,” top-down method of management. Their EQ also allows them to look at situations as “us vs. the problem” as opposed to “us vs. them.”

Not only that, but their EQ gives them powerful motivation because they can more easily connect their goals to the feelings they will have when they reach them. These same emotions have taken many a woman to the brink of tears (or even over the edge) in stressful personal and professional situations due to stress or sheer, towering rage.

No woman wants that. So they decide, somewhere along the way, that the only way they can be successful is by suppressing their feelings. And many of us have gotten so good at stuffing them is that we have become hard – and hard to get along with. Otherwise known as “bitchy.”

How to make your emotions work for you

How do you make your emotions work for you instead of against you? Is it even possible? Yes. Here’s how to do it.

  • Identify what you’re feeling. Before you can do anything about your emotions, you have to know what they are. Sounds bizarre, but many women have done such a great job of pushing down all their negative emotions that they aren’t really sure what they’re feeling anymore.

A few ideas: Unhappy, pissed off, annoyed, vengeful, abused, anxious, cruel, defeated, broken down, envious, disgusted and so on. Still having trouble figuring it out? Click here to get this list of negative emotions. Don’t judge; just identify.

  • Feel it. I don’t care that you don’t “want” to feel that way. You do feel that way and ignoring those feelings doesn’t make them go away. The sooner you let yourself experience them, the better off you will be. And the sooner they will go away.
  • Say it out loud. And in front of a mirror is even better: “I am angry. I am dissatisfied. I am sad. I am confused. I am paranoid.” Whatever you’re feeling, give voice to it. If you need to scream, shout, throw things, pound on tables – go ahead. Get it out of your system.

Note to readers who are still in their child-bearing years or going through menopause – it gets easier once you’re not held hostage by your hormones. When you are in the throes of a hormonal meltdown, understand that it, too, shall pass. That will relieve some of the negative feelings you’re experiencing. And if 25% of your life is totally out of control due to your menstrual cycle, please see your doc. Something ain’t right.

  • Purge it. This is almost a natural byproduct of the scream-shout-pound-on-tables deal. It helps get it out of your system. If that makes you roll your eyes, think about the times you’ve thrown yourself a real pity party, sobbing your eyes out and giving it a good, long boo-hoo-hoo. Felt like crap when you did it, sure, but when it was over, there was a huge sense of relief.
  • Release it. Once you’ve purged, go back to your mirror and say to yourself, out loud: “I release envy from my life. I release anger. I release shame.” Whatever you need to let go of, say it out loud. Someone is listening: You. By the way, I did that with an ex-husband who, 18 years after our split, still regularly haunted my dreams. It worked like a charm for me – no more dreams.
  • Replace it. Negative feelings are toxic – to your body, heart, mind and soul. The sooner you can focus on positive feelings, the better off you will be. Count your blessings: “I am strong. I am worthy. I am smart. I am responsible.” If the best you can do is state “I woke up this morning,” that’s a good start.

All well and good, you say. What if I’m at work and someone has hurt my feelings and I want to either to kick the desk or sob my eyes out? How do I deal with my negative emotions? Here are some tips to help.

  • Focus on your intake and outflow of breath. Count each one. Notice how it expands and deflates your rib cage. Imagine pure, cleansing oxygen reaching every part of your body and how each exhale releases toxins. See how deep breathing helps regulate your heart rate and soothes your nerves.
  • Alternative 1: Keep quiet. If you feel that anything that might come out of your mouth would be damning or tear-stained blubbering, stay silent or use filler words like “uh-huh,” “I see” and so on. That way the other person knows you’re not sleeping with your eyes open. But whatever you do, don’t nod. Men see nodding as agreement and if you’re getting your ass handed to you for no reason whatsoever, the last thing you want to do is look like you’re agreeing.
  • Alternative 2: Ask questions. This, of course, depends on the situation, but you might ask something like, “How did you arrive at that conclusion? What makes you think that way? What do you think the solution is? How do you think we should move forward? What did I do wrong and how can I fix it?” By asking for objective data and clear feedback, you’ll take the focus – yours and his – off how you feel.
  • Avoid “why” questions. Even in the most neutral circumstances, questions that start with “why” can sound like accusations. Maybe they deserve to be, but that’s not helpful. You want to keep a handle on your emotions, not throw gas on the embers.
  • Go to your happy place. Your boss (or client) is chewing you up one side and down another, justified or not. There isn’t a single thing you can do about it until it’s over, at which time you can do the scream-shout-pound-on-tables business mentioned earlier. Until then, imagine yourself in your favorite place, surrounded by your favorite people/things, eating your favorite foods and let him rant.
  • You are in charge of you. If the other person is a bully, there is nothing he would like better than to get a rise out of you. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Often that internalized “I’ll show you!” attitude can prevent an emotional outburst.

Dealing With Difficult Employees

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difficult employeeThere are a few employees at my store who are great workers, but who really create tension among other staff members. How should I address this situation?

Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of tension from happening.

So why are people difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For others, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Here are a few tips on ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much  information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

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We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.


Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

Top 10 ways to manage conflict in a business

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When conflict arises in the workplace—as it inevitably does—many smaller organizations and family enterprises are not prepared to handle it. It takes some careful crafting of policies, as well as genuine self-reflection, to get the team back on track. These tips will get you started.

1. Understand and evaluate people’s emotional responses When employees have strong emotional reactions to a workplace dispute, their whole internal defence mechanism may resort to a fight or flight reaction, and their ability to think and reason will typically take second place. The best strategy is to communicate with those involved after the anger and upset has dissipated. Arguing with someone who is emotionally triggered usually leads nowhere.

2. Be self-aware Are you a conflict avoider or an aggressive leader? Be aware of who you are, how you deal with conflict, and the significant impact you are having on the situation. Not everyone may respond well to your style and there will be times where you may need to adapt and demonstrate better leadership.

3. Consider the views of all parties involved No one wants to be told they are wrong. In fact, dialogue is often halted when someone is made to be wrong. Are the leaders in your organization creating conflict by not allowing others to have a voice or make contributions? Are team members too righteous to foster team work? It’s important to always consider different points of view.

4. Get to the root of the issue Sometimes a conflict is a manifestation of a deeper issue, either at the management level or on the ground. A great resource is the 1981 classic bestselling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury. It provides a simple step-by-step method for getting to the source of the issue and moving beyond it.

5. Accept people for who they are and who they are not People process information and make decisions differently. Knowing how your team members approach their work provides invaluable understanding, allowing them to draw on the strength of others rather than discredit their work styles or habits.

6. Implement regular feedback meetings Consider implementing weekly “open sessions” for the sole purpose of brainstorming what is working and what isn’t. This will allow you to address issues when they are small before they escalate.

7. Have the team create a conflict resolution protocol where everyone buys in People tend to accept what they helped to create. Investing the time to create a conflict resolution protocol will pay huge dividends in the long run.

8. Have the team adopt communication guidelines Not all forms of communications are acceptable in the workplace. Have your team recognize unacceptable and counterproductive manners of communication and create guidelines that they are willing to abide by. Include yourself in this exercise because you may be communicating in a way that is not fostering open dialogue, which in the long run may be the source of much conflict within the organization.

9. Be vigilant and enforce the measures that the team developed No one likes to deal with conflict or reprimand people. However, once there are clear conflict resolution and communication guidelines, they must be implemented in a strategic and consistent way.

10. Do you have the right people? If a team member is not functioning well or is creating conflict, evaluate if that person’s skills would be better suited for a different team or position, or whether that person fits in at your organization.

Article by, Nathalie Boutet

Toronto lawyer and family law expert Nathalie Boutet focuses on negotiating to keep disputes out of court. A pioneer in the field of neuro family law, which integrates brain science, psychology and legal negotiation, Ms. Boutet was nominated in 2015 to receive the prestigious Canada’s Top 25 Changemakers award by Canadian Lawyer.

As appeared on theglobeandmail.com

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the ​bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

Healthy Ways To Deal With Emotional Pain And Grief

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FRIGHTENED

How do you deal with emotional pain? The kind of pain that sits in your heart and occasionally (sometimes without warning) breaks your heart just a little bit, and you feel an overwhelming urge to cry. Many of us can relate to that.

Let’s consider the unfortunate events that took place on Sept. 11, 2001. I knew none of the people who died personally — but that does not stop the pain. I expect that had I known anyone on a more personal basis, my pain would be just a little more intense. During a time like that, it is hard to believe that it can be more intense. Yet, as we all know, life must go on for those of us who were left behind.

The question is, “How do we continue on when we are in pain?” Valid question, and here are a few of the solutions I offer to people:

It is OK to suffer from pain. Do not believe that you do not have the right. Perhaps you do have a family member who passed away or a beloved pet that died. As children we were embarrassed to cry in front of people, and we have carried on that belief into our adult lives.

It is OK to cry or hurt. So the first solution is to stop trying to cover or bury your emotions — instead, allow them their freedom at the appropriate time.

The reality is that your bully, or your difficult person can cause you an incredible amount of emotional pain. It isn’t the same as death, but emotionally it can be just as exhausting.

My grandfather passed away while I was in England working for some clients. I knew he was dying, and had made the decision to leave on the business trip anyway. I did say goodbye to him — and discussed my decision (with their full support) with my dad and family. I was hoping that he would wait a little longer (20 years might have been nice), but his time came just after I arrived in London. I found out the news during the lunch break of one of my all-day seminars.

Obviously, I had to continue on during the day and not let my emotions take control. I was allowed to feel pain — just not right then. I applied a little trick that I share in my stress management programs: I took the emotional feeling (in this case, sorrow) and put it into an imaginary “box” in my head. I closed the lid on the box and picked a time later on when I felt I could open the lid and deal with the emotion.

 

“The mistake that some people make is to never open the box.”

 

I had to continue on with my job. I also needed to cry and deal with my own sorrow (and guilt, in this case). So I allowed the emotion to sit in the box, and I would deal with it when I was alone in my hotel room.

We can do the same thing with the emotional pain that our bully/difficult person causes us. Allow yourself to close it up sometimes, so that it is not affecting all areas of your life. Give yourself permission to be happy, even though you are dealing with an incredible amount of pain and emotional turmoil. Don’t let your bully/difficult person ruin every aspect of your life.

The mistake that some people make is to never open the box. As far as dealing with emotion in a healthy way, it is imperative that you go back to that box fairly soon after you closed the lid. You will notice that this technique works when you are dealing with the death of a member of your immediate family. It amazes me how well people stand up at the wake, and the funeral, and many don’t cry at all. They will, it will just be at a time of their choosing.

The next technique is used when the emotions are stronger than the lid on the box. Your tears just come anyway. I happen to be quite good at a silent cry. You know the kind — you are driving down the highway singing away to a song, and before you know the tears just start on their own. Of course, that works great for many of us (especially if we are in the car alone). But sometimes, those tears just start in a meeting, while working at your desk or while walking down the hall.

My solution is to let them come! While the tears are streaming down your face,take deep breaths (you need oxygen to steady your emotions). The next step is tocontinue doing what you were doing (and pretend that you are not crying). Honestly, just keep going! So what if you are in the middle of a conversation? Just keep going! Pretend you don’t notice.

Your voice will waiver, your hands will shake and the tears will fall. Keep going. This will probably only last for 15 to 30 seconds if you don’t call attention to it (really — it doesn’t take that long to get back into control — I dare you to try it!. The person you are speaking with will probably ask you if you need a minute — the answer is “no.” Keep going.

If you really do need to stop, do so. Don’t feel that you need to explain to your co-worker why you are crying. Just tell them you’ll be back in 10 minutes ready to continue. But try talking right through it — you can do it. Ever had to give eulogy? Of course we cry during that, but we have to keep going. And after a little while, our normal voice returns and we get control again.

To summarize:

1. It is OK to suffer from pain and to cry or hurt. Don’t apologize for being an emotional person. Take pride in yourself. You are a caring and loving individual. Why should we apologize for that?
2. Don’t try to cover or bury your emotions.
3. Take deep breaths, but let the tears come anyway.
4. Keep doing what you were doing before the tears started!

A book that helped me a lot is called Emotional Confidence by Gael Lindenfield (Harper Collins Publishers). I picked it up in London after my grandfather died, but you could get your bookstore to order it for you.

 

Rhonda Scharf Headshot

 Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

Dealing with Emotional Pain

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

How do you deal with emotional pain? The kind of pain that sits in your heart and occasionally (sometimes without warning) breaks your heart just a little bit and you feel an overwhelming urge to cry. Many of us can relate to that.

Let’s consider the unfortunate events that took place on September 11, 2001. I knew none of the people who died personally – but that does not stop the pain. I expect that had I known anyone on a more personal basis, my pain would be just a little more intense. During a time like that, it is hard to believe that it can be more intense. Yet, as we all know, life must go on for those of us who were left behind.

The question is “How do we continue on when we are in pain?” Valid question, and here are a few of the solutions I offer to people:

It is OK to suffer from pain. Do not believe that you do not have the right. Perhaps you do have a family member who passed away, or a beloved pet that died. As children we were embarrassed to cry in front of people, and we have carried on that belief into our adult lives.

It is OK to cry or hurt. So the first solution – don’t try to cover or bury the emotions – but allow them their freedom at the appropriate time.

The reality is that your bully, or your difficult person can cause you an incredible amount of emotional pain. It isn’t the same as death, but emotionally it can be just as exhausting.

My grandfather passed away while I was in England working for some clients. I knew he was dying, and had made the decision to leave on the business trip anyway. I did say goodbye to him – and discussed my decision (with their full support) with my dad and family. I was hoping that he would wait a little longer (20 years might have been nice) – but his time came just after I arrived in London. I found out the news during the lunch break of one of my all day seminars. Obviously, I had to continue on during the day and not let my emotions take control. I was allowed to feel pain – just not right then. So I applied a little trick that I share in my Stress Management programs. Take the emotional feeling (in this case, sorrow) and put it into an imaginary “box” in your head. Close the lid on the box. Pick a time later on when you can open the lid and deal with the emotion. So in this case, I had to continue on with my job. I also needed to cry and deal with my own sorrow (and guilt in this case). So, I allowed the emotion to sit in the box, and I would deal with it when I was alone in my hotel room.

We can do the same thing with the emotional pain that our bully/difficult person causes us. Allow yourself to close it up sometimes, so that it is not affecting all areas of your life. Give yourself permission to be happy sometimes, even though you are dealing with an incredible amount of pain and emotional turmoil. Don’t let your bully/difficult person ruin every aspect of your life.

The mistake that some people make is to never open the box. As far as dealing with emotion in a healthy way, it is imperative that you go back to that box fairly soon after you closed the lid. You will notice that this technique works when you are dealing with the death of a member of your immediate family. It amazes me how well people stand up at the wake, and the funeral, and many don’t cry at all. They will, it will just be at a time of their choosing.

The next technique is used when the emotions are stronger than the lid on the box. Your tears just come anyway. I happen to be quite good at a silent cry. You know the kind, you are driving down the highway singing away to a song, and before you know the tears just start on their own. Of course, that works great for many of us (especially if we are in the car alone). But sometimes, those tears just start in a meeting, while working at your desk or while walking down the hall. My solution is to let them come! While the tears are streaming down your face, take deep breaths (you need oxygen to steady your emotions). The next step is to continue doing what you were doing (and pretend that you are not crying). Honestly, just keep going! So what if you are in the middle of a conversation – just keep going! Pretend you don’t notice. Your voice will waiver, your hands will shake, and the tears will fall. Keep going. This will probably only last for 15-30 seconds if you don’t call attention to it (Really – it doesn’t take that long to get back into control – I dare you to try it!). The person you are speaking with will probably ask you if you need a minute – the answer is “No”. Keep going. If you really do need to stop, do so. Don’t feel that you need to explain to your co-worker why you are crying. Just tell them you’ll be back in 10 minutes ready to continue. But, try talking right through it – you can do it. Ever had to give eulogy? Of course we cry during that, but we have to keep going. And after a little while, our normal voice returns and we get control again.

So, to summarize:

1- It is OK to suffer from pain and to cry or hurt. Don’t apologize for being an emotional person – take pride in yourself. You are a caring and loving individual. Why should we apologize for that?

2- Don’t try to cover or bury your emotions.

3- Take deep breaths, but let the tears come anyway.

4 – Keep doing what you were doing before the tears started!

A book that helped me a lot is called Emotional Confidence by Gael Lindenfield (Harper Collins Publishers). I picked it up in London after my grandfather died, but you could get your bookstore to order it for you.

What are you afraid of?

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Emotions are not your friend when they rule your interactions with your difficult person.  You need to be black and white, focused on the facts, calm, cool and collected. You will have no problem dealing with issues that you are not emotional about (because you don’t care), but as soon as you “care” you will have a problem dealing with the situation.

It is in your best interest to NOT respond nor react when you are being ruled by your emotions.

Take time out.  Be sure to arrange a follow up with your difficult person when you can get some perspective, when you can be calm, focused and professional.

You are emotional for a reason.  Are you being ruled by fear? What are you afraid of? If so, figure out what is at the root of that fear, and see what you can do to work around it (are you afraid you’ll lose your job, the boss won’t like you, that you’ll look stupid?). Your fear will probably not be rational. But once you can identify the fear, then you can deal with it.

Your emotions will be easier to handle when there is understanding.

So, what are you afraid of?

After the confrontation

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After the confrontation
‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.

When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.

“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.

In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.

I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.

This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.

Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.

Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.

Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.

That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.

Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.

The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.

Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.

Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.

I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.

Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.

It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.

I survived

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You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1.     Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

  • So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2.     Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

  • Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
  • Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
  • You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
  • You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3.     Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4.     Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Should You Walk Away?

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Last week Bill O’Reilly paid a visit to the set of The View.  In case you haven’t seen the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25uyFwWPOZg

Bill had a heated discussion with the ladies and said several very inflammatory comments.  Now lets be clear here, Bill O’Reilly enjoys pushing buttons and was probably well aware that his comments were inappropriate, but any publicity is good publicity for a guy like Bill right?

The View

The View

Both Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set.  They were unable to have an adult, logical discussion with Bill and were very upset by his comments.
Once they left Barbara Walters announced that we should be able to have discussions without washing our hands and walking away.

I completely disagree.

When you are dealing with a difficult person (as Bill O’Reillly was for Whoopie and Joy), and they are not willing to have an adult, logical discussion; why should you stay and keep trying?  Will anything be accomplished?

The ladies were emotional, upset and an adult, fair, logical discussion was not going to happen.  Walking away was smart on their part.

It would have been easy to say something that they would regret.  It would have been easy to call him an unprofessional name.  It would have been easy for them to destroy their own credibility.

It was smart to walk away in this situation.

I agree with Barbara that we “should” be able to have discussions without walking away in theory.  In reality, sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can do.

Know when to have a discussion, and know when to walk away.

What NOT to say during Confrontation!

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Don’t say it!

I was volunteering at water station a marathon recently.  The station was held on a residential street, so the street was closed off, all traffic diverted and the residents were asked to have their cars off the street no later than 8am.

Don't Swear!

Don’t Swear!

At 8:15am a man walked out his front door.  One of other volunteers asked him if the vehicle still on the street was his and could he please remove it.

Clearly this guy was not a morning guy, nor was he in support of the marathon.  He was rude, abusive and stubborn and was not going to be moving his vehicle.

As he went back into the house, one of the volunteers shouted at him “A—hole!”

So wrong!

Regardless of the situation, regardless of who is right or wrong; do not resort to name-calling or profanity.

This is guaranteed to put the situation or relationship at a new level of tension.

I’m pretty sure that several of the volunteers that morning were thinking that exact thought, but that doesn’t make it OK to voice the thought.

Name-calling is never the right answer.  Bite your tongue.  Every time.

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

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Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.

When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.

Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check.  She lashed out in anger at me.  It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me.  It also instantly made me angry.

I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.

I said nothing in response.  I knew enough to keep quiet.  I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.

When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond.  Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy.  In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say.  If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.

Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.

You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

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Christopher

Christopher

Some times the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut, not to fight back and to take the high road.

Christopher is my 18-year-old son, and he has been working his past four summers at a local golf course. He knows what he is doing, has been doing it well (and training others), and the management at the golf course values Christopher.

Two weeks ago, Sam, an “older” gentleman was hired as a favour to the owner.  When I say older, I mean he is in his 60s.  To Christopher, this is the age of his grandfather and certainly someone worth respecting.

Chris was assigned the task of training Sam.  Unfortunately, Sam immediately tried to make changes; tell Chris that he was doing his job wrong, and basically cause quite a bit of tension in what should be a relaxing work environment.  Sam was very verbal, very negative and not at all respectful to his coworkers.  He felt that as the older person in the workplace, he knew better than the young kids he was working with.

Christopher has been keeping his mouth shut (which is hard for my 18-year-old outspoken son) while Sam has been complaining about Chris to everyone.  I’ve been coaching him to not say anything he will regret, and to take the high road.

Yesterday it all paid off for him.  Sam was blasting Chris in a public area (in front of other staff and customers) just when the wife of the owner walked in.  Needless to say, things are different at work today.

I would have been easy for Chris to give as good as Sam did. It certainly would have felt better.  It might have taken years instead of weeks for Sam’s true colours to show (if at all).  It may have caused Christopher a lot of stress in the interim.

It was still the right thing to do.  Chris can think of what he would have liked to say, but he doesn’t have to regret what he did say.  The other staff could see what Sam was doing, and Chris didn’t need to fight back in front of them.  He looks far more professional than the man three times his age.

Sam will be taken care of.  Christopher has no worries on his job.

Take the high road – do the right thing (even if it is difficult).  Plan your strategy, follow your plan, and be proud of your actions when dealing with your difficult person.

Are you breathing?

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Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person.  The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.

The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe!  Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.

It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).

 

Words are permanent

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Words are dangerous.  Words hurt.  Words can leave scars.  Be very careful what you say when dealing with your difficult person.

It is easy to lash back. It is easy to say things that are meant to hurt in the middle of a confrontation, whether it is intentional or not.  When someone pushes our buttons we often strike back verbally without realizing the dangers of pushing back.  It is so tempting to want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting us.

Don’t.

The best thing you can do is to let a verbal attack hang in the air.  Say nothing at the time.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.

You’ll continue the confrontation/conversation at a later date.  At a date when you are calmer and so are they.

Have a look at a confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re so stupid and constantly messing up, there is no way I want your advice!

Mike: (Holds extended “silent” eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

Can you imagine if you were Mike?  The attack seemed to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.

Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Try it. It will save you from saying something you regret. Take the high road in situations such as this one.

Your buttons

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Do you know where your buttons are?

You need to know what makes you jump.  You need to know what makes you react unprofessionally, and then you need to know how to keep your cool when one of those buttons are pushed.

I tested myself this weekend with my teenaged daughter.   For those of you who have teenagers, I’m sure you’ll agree that at times they absolutely fall into the “difficult people” category.

Victoria tried several times on Sunday to push my buttons.  She wanted to fight, and was getting very frustrated when I did not react the way she wanted me to.

That in itself was worth it.  She did however, manage to get under my skin, and I too, was frustrated.  I just didn’t give the reaction I normally give.  I did respond though.

A response is the thought-out version of a reaction.  I responded, meaning I didn’t ignore her; I didn’t let her get what she wanted (a fight).  I kept my cool, held firm, but didn’t allow her to push my buttons.

That felt nice for me.

That frustrated her.

That felt nice for me!

It isn’t about winning and losing, but it is about doing the right thing at the right time with your difficult person. I did the right thing by not letting Victoria push my buttons.  Can you do that today?

Taming your emotions

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Emotions

Lets face it, at this time of the year; emotions are closer to the surface.  It is easier to get upset, angry and much easier to lash out when we are operating from the heart and not the head.

Regardless, take your emotions out of the equation. Write down your issue on paper so you can see it in black and white.  Take away the word “feel” from the description of what is happening.  Think black and white and logical and stay away from emotional.  Try to imagine yourself giving advice to a friend instead of giving advice to yourself.

If you operate from a position of emotion, you run the risk of saying and doing the wrong thing.

Step back, take a deep breath, and look at the black and white.  This will allow you to say ON THE RIGHT TRACK with your difficult person this week.

Take the “High Road Less Travelled”

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It is important to never give in to your desire to lash out, fight back, or hurt your difficult person.  Tempting, but don’t do it.

I would rather regret something I didn’t say than regret something I did say.

This week, be sure that you are the consummate professional.  Be the one to take that high road.  You’ll find that the traffic up there is much lighter than the traffic on the unprofessional road.

Take a step back

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There is always another perspective, always another way to look at things, always two sides to every story.

Force yourself to try to see the opposite point of view, even if it sounds ridiculous to you.

Whenever Warren, my husband, and I are driving and he starts to complain about the other drivers, I make a point to find some crazy, often silly, viewpoint which would explain why the other person was driving that way.

As much as it drives Warren crazy, it does get my point across, and sometimes calms the situation a bit.

Your difficult person still may be difficult, but taking the time to find another viewpoint is worth your time.  Sometimes it defuses your tension and sometimes it provides a moment of clarity, but taking a step back is always a good idea.

Keep ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

Would a little compassion help?

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Is your person just difficult, or are they operating in fear mode? We are in a fear-based economy and health crises right now, and people are flat out afraid of the unknown.

What if H1N1 hits my family? What if my investments are worth nothing when I retire? What if Iose my job? What if my health care isn’t as good as I have now?

If you are working in any of those fear-based industries, you are probably dealing with a lot of difficult clients right now. Makes sense doesn’t it? Fear makes people act without thinking.

Empathy and compassion will go a long way. Put yourself in their shoes. They don’t have the information that you have, and they are in panic mode.

Does that help you keep your calm demeanor and not get as riled up about their poor behaviour?

I thought so. The next time one of your clients is demanding, unreasonable, and operating in an unprofessional manner, put yourself in their shoes. It doesn’t change that they are in the wrong, but you’ll be amazed at how your viewpoint changes and you are in a better position to deal with their behaviour.

Keep yourself ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

A lesson from Serena Williams – keep your cool!

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Serena Williams lost it at the US Open last weekend. Her temper got the best of her and she reacted emotionally, inappropriately and unprofessionally.

What gets lost in the story is the calmness with which the line judge held herself.

Had the line judge yelled and threatened back to Williams, then we would have all jumped to Williams’ defense.

How people feel about footfaults being called during high-level matches would be irrelevant if the line judge had fought back. She didn’t, which was the perfect response.  And that response put all the fault on Williams who, alone, will pay for her outburst. (Williams was fined $10,000, the maximum penalty allowed for unsportsmanlike conduct in tennis, not to mention the loss of an important match and the untold damage to her reputation.)

After being called on a footfault during her serve, Williams walked over to the line judge, making a threatening gesture with her racquet and reportedly told her, “If I could, I would take this ****  ball and shove it down your **** throat.”  It is also alleged she threatened to kill the line judge, although Williams vehemently denies it.

Read more and watch a six-minute video of the confrontation at http://tinyurl.com/m2p8ka

If you were the line judge, could you have kept your cool in that situation? Could you have received those comments without fighting back?

It is important to remember that when one person loses it, the other should do the complete opposite, and remain very calm.

Do not interrupt the other person. Imagine if the line judge had angrily responded, ‘Are you threatening me?’ Even though I know that type of retort would have been wrong, I can imagine myself responding that way.

An angry response would have escalated the argument to much higher levels and Williams could have charged that she had been provoked.

Let the other person have her tirade; let her finish. If appropriate, call a time-out by saying something along the lines of, ‘This is not a good time to finish this conversation. Let’s meet again this afternoon’ – then walk away. Do not continue the conversation when tempers are flaring.

The line judge didn’t respond to Williams, but instead quickly got the referee involved.  The line judge kept her cool, even though she felt physically threatened, believing that Williams was threatening her life. That is the calm, cool exterior we want to achieve when we are in a confrontation.

A lot can be learned from this episode. Williams should have done things differently, and I’m certainly hoping she regrets her inability to control her temper.

Learn from the line judge, the referee and even Williams, so you can avoid being the front page news story at your office.

Can you detach?

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Do you take the actions of your difficult person personally?  Do you think that they sit at home at night and plot how to ruin your next day?  Do you feel that they have it in for you (and are trying to get you fired, look bad or worse)?  Of course you do.

One of the best things that you can do when dealing with your difficult person is to detach from the situation.  You have become emotionally involved and it is affecting your ability to deal with them.

OK, maybe they do have something against you.  Maybe they really are trying to get you fired, and maybe it is about you.  Realistically that rarely happens and it really isn’t about you (perhaps your position, your name, your status), but it doesn’t feel that way, so we take everything personally and get emotionally involved.  Admit it, you have lain awake at night trying to figure out why they do this to you right?

Here’s a few quick tips on how to detach from this situation:

–    Realize that they would behave this way to someone.  Remember – they act this way because there is a payoff for them. There is a reason.  The payoff for their behaviour is such that they will act like this with someone – it just happens to be you

–    Place a barrier between you and your difficult person.  Imagine it is an invisible shield that you put up whenever they enter the room, or whenever their name is brought into conversation.  Protect yourself from taking it personally

–    Watch how they treat others, and realize they do this to others as well (it is not just you)

–    Play a game with yourself.  Predict what their response, or action will be, and if you are correct, offer yourself a reward. For example, every time they speak in a condescending tone to you, you can stop at Dairy Queen.  Once it becomes a game to you, you almost look forward to their bad behaviour as you get a reward

–    Practice ‘letting go’ of your emotional reaction with them

I realize it is all easier than it sounds, but in order for you to deal with your difficult person professionally, respectfully and consistently, you will need to become detached.

Go ahead, practice, and start counting points for your team!

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