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Dealing With Difficult People

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Running into people that are tough to get along with is inevitable, both professionally and personally. There are four ways to make dealing with them easier, says Petris Lapis.
They’re hiding everywhere. Often cunningly disguised as reasonable people until they join your family, your workplace, your circle of friends, your sporting team or become a client and then—and only then—how difficult they are really shines through. It would be lovely to live in a world without difficult people, but I suspect that would sometimes mean we wouldn’t be in it either. So the best thing you can do is have a strategy for dealing with them. Fortunately there are four easy steps for dealing with difficult people.

Step 1: Create rapport
Take the steps you can to create an environment of trust, safety and comfort. This helps the difficult person to feel safe resolving the issue with you. You don’t have to like or agree with someone to be in rapport with them.

Step 2: Listen, listen and listen again
Sometimes all a person really needs is to be heard. The best thing you can do is to listen—really listen. Not the type of listening you do where you are already working out in your head all the arguments why the difficult person is wrong. I mean the type of listening where you focus all your attention on the person who is speaking and really try to work out what is driving this behaviour and how it could be solved. Everyone has a reason for their difficult behaviour and it is often fear or insecurity.

When you have listened, paraphrase back what you understand to the difficult person by saying something like, “Could I check that I understand you correctly? You are saying that…” When you have agreement with the difficult person on what the problem is, you ask why it is a problem for them. This is important because what would be a problem for the difficult person may not be a problem for you and vice versa. For example, I am habitually early for meetings but a colleague of mine is habitually late. From his perspective, he cannot understand why people get upset when he is not on time as it isn’t a problem for him.

Once you have an understanding of both the problem and why it is a problem for the other person, you have the starting point to find a solution. Sometimes being heard and acknowledged is all it takes for a person to stop being angry or aggressive. If more is required, you can then ask the difficult person what, if anything, would solve the problem. This does two things:

Puts the responsibility squarely back on them
Implies there is a solution to the problem
Step 3: Stay in adult communication mode
There are several different modes in which we can communicate with other people being child, adult and parent. When referring to modes of communication:

Parents are judgemental and think they’re better than others
Children are defensive and think they’re not as good as others
Adults communicate as equals by talking in logical non-emotive language and tone
The most constructive communication occurs when people are communicating in adult mode. This is when issues can be discussed and solutions found without judgement or hurt feelings. If you do everything you can to maintain the adult mode of communication, the other person will eventually communicate with you in the same way. Think of a time when you have been upset and you spoke with someone who was rational. Do you remember how quickly you calmed down to talk about the problem? It works really well.

Step 4: Find the solution
The last part involves finding a way forward based on your understanding of the problem and potential solution for the difficult person. The more positive framing you can use in your language, the more successful this part will be.

THE EXPERT
Petris Lapis has worked in accounting, law, academia, banking, business and training. She has consulted for government and industry and published several books and hundreds of papers. She has studied commerce, law, coaching, NLP and

Dealing With Difficult People

/in , /by

Running into people that are tough to get along with is inevitable, both professionally and personally. There are four ways to make dealing with them easier, says Petris Lapis.
They’re hiding everywhere. Often cunningly disguised as reasonable people until they join your family, your workplace, your circle of friends, your sporting team or become a client and then—and only then—how difficult they are really shines through. It would be lovely to live in a world without difficult people, but I suspect that would sometimes mean we wouldn’t be in it either. So the best thing you can do is have a strategy for dealing with them. Fortunately there are four easy steps for dealing with difficult people.

Step 1: Create rapport
Take the steps you can to create an environment of trust, safety and comfort. This helps the difficult person to feel safe resolving the issue with you. You don’t have to like or agree with someone to be in rapport with them.

Step 2: Listen, listen and listen again
Sometimes all a person really needs is to be heard. The best thing you can do is to listen—really listen. Not the type of listening you do where you are already working out in your head all the arguments why the difficult person is wrong. I mean the type of listening where you focus all your attention on the person who is speaking and really try to work out what is driving this behaviour and how it could be solved. Everyone has a reason for their difficult behaviour and it is often fear or insecurity.

When you have listened, paraphrase back what you understand to the difficult person by saying something like, “Could I check that I understand you correctly? You are saying that…” When you have agreement with the difficult person on what the problem is, you ask why it is a problem for them. This is important because what would be a problem for the difficult person may not be a problem for you and vice versa. For example, I am habitually early for meetings but a colleague of mine is habitually late. From his perspective, he cannot understand why people get upset when he is not on time as it isn’t a problem for him.

Once you have an understanding of both the problem and why it is a problem for the other person, you have the starting point to find a solution. Sometimes being heard and acknowledged is all it takes for a person to stop being angry or aggressive. If more is required, you can then ask the difficult person what, if anything, would solve the problem. This does two things:

Puts the responsibility squarely back on them
Implies there is a solution to the problem
Step 3: Stay in adult communication mode
There are several different modes in which we can communicate with other people being child, adult and parent. When referring to modes of communication:

Parents are judgemental and think they’re better than others
Children are defensive and think they’re not as good as others
Adults communicate as equals by talking in logical non-emotive language and tone
The most constructive communication occurs when people are communicating in adult mode. This is when issues can be discussed and solutions found without judgement or hurt feelings. If you do everything you can to maintain the adult mode of communication, the other person will eventually communicate with you in the same way. Think of a time when you have been upset and you spoke with someone who was rational. Do you remember how quickly you calmed down to talk about the problem? It works really well.

Step 4: Find the solution
The last part involves finding a way forward based on your understanding of the problem and potential solution for the difficult person. The more positive framing you can use in your language, the more successful this part will be.

THE EXPERT
Petris Lapis has worked in accounting, law, academia, banking, business and training. She has consulted for government and industry and published several books and hundreds of papers. She has studied commerce, law, coaching, NLP and

How to Deal With Employees Who Don’t Get Along

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Blame it on personality, lifestyle or other factors, but sometimes employees just don’t mesh. And friction in the ranks can make your office feel like a war zone.

The tension can make the workplace uncomfortable for other employees and have a dramatic effect on productivity.

But, conflict between two employees isn’t always a bad thing. It can lead to healthy competition, process improvements, innovation or creativity.

Here are some tips to help you tactfully put out fires between feuding employees.

Step 1. Encourage employees to work it out

Remember you’re their manager, not their mother. Use your judgment when it comes to addressing employee complaints. Managers should want their employees to be as self-sufficient as possible. Encourage your employees to manage their issues on their own. By reacting to every whine from a worker you may actually make the situation worse by feeding into the drama. This might be perceived as favoritism and turn other employees against you.

To do this successfully, first determine whether the situation is emotionally charged and the severity of the conflict. When you’ve assessed the issue, if appropriate, talk to each employee individually to let them know that you’re aware of the situation. You should also encourage open communication and resolution among employees. Ask them if they feel comfortable going to the other employee and handling it one-on-one.

Understand that many people don’t like confrontation, so they may need guidance or talking points on how to approach the other person. Hold them accountable for their actions and for resolving the issue.

Step 2. Nip it in the bud quickly

Unfortunately, some situations won’t work themselves out and you’ll be forced to step in. Like a bad sore, if ignored too long, employee disputes can fester and infect the entire workplace and ultimately taint the reputation of your company. Workplace disputes that aren’t addressed eventually end up sucking other employees into the drama. This “employee sideshow” can further derail productivity. Get to the root of the problem and stop the landslide before it starts.

Step 3. Listen to both sides

By the time you get involved, your office may already be buzzing with gossip. Don’t assume you know the situation based on the whispers you’ve heard around the office. First, deal with the two individuals or group of people who are directly involved in the incident and worry about refocusing other staff members later. Sit the feuding employees down and ask each to explain their side of the story.

Some experts recommend this be done individually, while others believe you should discuss the problem with both at the same time. But before you do that, be sure to evaluate the degree of hostility between them. This way you can be sure you’re create an environment where you can discuss facts, not emotions.

If you determine that speaking to the employees at the same time is the best course of action, provide each employee uninterrupted time to give their (fact-based) side of the story. Once all employees have had this opportunity, ask each of them to offer ideas on how the situation could be resolved and how all parties could move forward.

As a manager, you need to be as objective as possible. You never, ever want to take sides. This will only fan the flames and make matters worse.

Step 4. Identify the real issue

Often the cause of an argument between a group of employees can get clouded by the all the emotions that surround it. Try to get each employee to articulate the issue in a calm way. Ask them what they want to see as an outcome. Like a doctor, treating the symptoms only puts a Band-Aid over the issue. To avoid future flare ups, you need to get to the source. Only then, will you be able to come up with a permanent solution.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing this or you don’t think you can be impartial, you may want to consider hiring a third-party mediator to handle the situation.

Step 5. Consult your employee handbook

Deciphering right from wrong may mean reviewing your company’s policy. Employee handbooks are designed to lay down consistent rules that each employee is expected to uphold at all times. Some examples policies that you may want to add into your employee handbook are “guidelines for appropriate conduct” and/or “conflict resolution policies.” More severe instances of conflict may move into the category of harassment or discrimination, so your handbook should also contain these policies as well as directions on how to file a complaint.

In order to offer a fair resolution, you’ll need to make sure your decision is aligned with company policy. No employee should be above the laws set forth in the workplace. Letting an employee slide when they’ve clearly gone against the rules will weaken your authority and cause resentment in the ranks.

Step 6. Find a solution

Employers need to get employees focused on the job at hand. Employees don’t have to be best friends; they just need to get the job done. That might require reorganizing teams or giving the employees time to “cool off” before they work together again. And remember, you have a business to run. If the conflicts continue, they could seriously affect productivity. And in some cases you may need to reevaluate your staff. One antagonistic employee can wreak havoc on the rest.

Step 7. Write it up

Employees may not like it, but it’s important that you document all workplace incidents. This will help you monitor behavior over time and keep an eye out for repeat offenders that may be polluting your office. Documenting incidents can also protect your business should a disgruntled employee try to take you to court. Always write down details from each run-in an employee has had. Ensure that your write-up is fact-based and that you keep a copy in all involved employees’ files. Include the who, what, when, where and how as well as the resolution to which all parties agreed and committed.

Step 8. Teach them how to talk

For some troubled employees, talking out a situation isn’t enough. Typically, people who have these problems have communication issues already. If you’re experiencing a lot of strife among your staff, you may want to provide communication and problem solving training. These courses teach employees how to effectively articulate their thoughts and emotions in a nonthreatening way. The techniques they learn will help them diffuse conflicts before they blow up.

Step 9. Lead by example

Much of your company culture is based on how everyone interacts with one another. A culture of respectful communication is a “top down” proposition. Business owners, directors, managers and other supervisors set the tone for interaction in the workplace.

By speaking to your employees in an honest and respectful manner, you create an environment that values integrity and communication. When you are open and honest, employees are more likely to do the same.

Looking for more tips on how to positively influence your team as a leader? Download our free magazine, The Insperity Guide to Leadership and Management.

 

Article by, by  in Leadership and management

Dealing With Difficult Employees

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difficult employeeThere are a few employees at my store who are great workers, but who really create tension among other staff members. How should I address this situation?

Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of tension from happening.

So why are people difficult?

The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For others, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Here are a few tips on ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much  information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving. We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

WRITTEN BY BEVERLY BEUERMANN-KING

Building Resiliency Through Stress and Wellness Strategies. Stress and resiliency strategist, Beverly Beuermann-King, CSP, translates current research and best practices information into a realistic, accessible and more practical approach through her dynamic stress and wellness workshops, on-line stress and resiliency articles, books, e-briefs and media interviews.

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

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We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.


Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work

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Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Boxing glove punching hand

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust me. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often erupts counter-productively above – the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.

It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult Coworker

I’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the ​bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. Then, read on to find ten ways to approach dealing with difficult people.

These are ten productive ways to deal with your difficult coworker. Let’s start with the first five.

  • Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
  • Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
  • Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

    They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

  • Follow-up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
  • You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture – no, not that one – such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

    Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use the humor well with difficult coworkers.

Want five more tips? Fleeing is definitely an option.

  • If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others – your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. Prepare to talk with your boss.Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.

    Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.

  • Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too – carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
  • If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
  • Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
  • If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not the difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. Check out the second part of this article to find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching.

Article by, Susan M. Heathfield
As appeared on thebalance.com

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

4 Easy Steps to Deal with Difficult People

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By

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

It seemed like a simple task. Please switch my gym membership from gold to silver level. I’m not cancelling, just switching.

That was now the third time I repeated my request, each time a little more calmly and a little more slowly, despite the beginnings of blood boiling feelings.

The person on the other end of the phone could not have been ruder. It was as if I was asking for a kidney instead of a membership change. A harsh tone and harsher words ensued. Why, I still have no idea.

You have undoubtedly met them. You have maybe been one, once or twice.

Why are some people continually difficult to deal with? What makes Joe easy to get along with and John such a struggle? Here are the major reasons and what can be done about it.

1. We feel triggered when our needs aren’t met.

We love it when we are acknowledged. We may not be crazy about when we are criticized, but it beats Option #3: being ignored.

Being ignored is a terrible feeling for humans and one that we avoid like the plague. When this occurs, some people revert to “problem child” mode. These are the set of behavioral responses that are so ingrained that it is a reflexive series of actions. It is the default mode.

When you find yourself in such a situation, ask the big question: What is my positive intention here? What am I trying to accomplish? (Or: What is the other person trying to accomplish?)

If you can leave enough of the heated emotions aside, clearing enough space for some patience and I dare say, compassion, the root cause of the behavior often becomes crystal clear.

What are you trying to accomplish? Great. Let’s find a way of getting what you want in a healthy fashion…

2. Fear can lead to confrontation.

If we could somehow, some way reduce fear, 99% of the world’s problems would be resolved. Fear causes more complications and melodramatic dilemmas than all other emotions combined.

Fear is typically at the root when dealing with difficult people. They want something and fear it is either not being heard and will never be heard, or they are not deserving of having their voices heard in the first place.

Are these true? Probably not. They are stories we tell ourselves and believe as fact. Spoken enough, cycled enough in our heads, we proceed to “know them as truth” and act based upon these fictional anecdotes. Our bodies react with—you guessed it—fear.

Fear is a root emotion that originates from the kidney energy. The kidney energy is the source of all energy. Knowingly or unknowingly, we try to protect this at all times. Fear is the prime, albeit most ineffective method. How ironic!

Steering the person away from this base emotion is the key here. By choosing your words carefully and speaking them kindly, you can help divert a person from fear into the more advantageous and effective emotions. Once this occurs, the rest is easy.

3. A feeling of powerlessness can make people combative.

One of the most misquoted and misunderstood martial arts is the popular art of Aikido. Most people state that in Aikido, one is using the attacker’s energy against them. Morihei Ueshiba Sensei, founder of Aikido stated something much differently. He said, “We use our opponents’ energy to protect them…”

When there is a feeling of powerlessness—real or imagined—there is a tendency to go on the attack, so to speak. If one engages, things begin to escalate. That feeling of lacking personal power is the underlying reason. “I have no power so I must go on the offensive to protect myself, to regain lost power.”

We cannot take power from anyone without their consent. When we recognize this and remind the other person with compassion, we’re better able to defuse hostility. The more we acknowledge personal power, the less conflict arises.

4. We argue because we don’t want to “lose.”

The late self-improvement master Alexander Everett used to set up situations in schools that were based on cooperation, not competition. For example, track events were not Person A running against Person B; rather, they were about whether or not the team had an improved (total) time this month versus last month.

If they improved in April compared to March, the team was considered victorious.

When a conversation (or argument) is set up whereby there is the illusion of a  “winner” and a “loser,” conflict is bound to continue. Ill feelings are the “award” and nothing productive is accomplished.

How can the situation be set up so that both people receive what they desire? Note that this is much different than compromise. Compromise is a situation where a third option is agreed upon and neither party is happy with it.

At the end of the day, people are people. There are no truly difficult people, only those who have unrefined communication skills. Given the opportunity, everyone eventually finds their pure voice.

Profile photo of David Orman

About David Orman

David Orman is the creator of the country’s foremost anti-aging formula, Hgh Plus found at www.hghplus.net. He is also the author of the blog DocWellness.wordpress.com.

What are you afraid of?

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Emotions are not your friend when they rule your interactions with your difficult person.  You need to be black and white, focused on the facts, calm, cool and collected. You will have no problem dealing with issues that you are not emotional about (because you don’t care), but as soon as you “care” you will have a problem dealing with the situation.

It is in your best interest to NOT respond nor react when you are being ruled by your emotions.

Take time out.  Be sure to arrange a follow up with your difficult person when you can get some perspective, when you can be calm, focused and professional.

You are emotional for a reason.  Are you being ruled by fear? What are you afraid of? If so, figure out what is at the root of that fear, and see what you can do to work around it (are you afraid you’ll lose your job, the boss won’t like you, that you’ll look stupid?). Your fear will probably not be rational. But once you can identify the fear, then you can deal with it.

Your emotions will be easier to handle when there is understanding.

So, what are you afraid of?

After the confrontation

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After the confrontation
‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.

When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.

“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.

In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.

I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.

This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.

Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.

Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.

Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.

That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.

Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.

The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.

Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.

Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.

I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.

Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.

It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.

I survived

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You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1.     Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

  • So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2.     Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

  • Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
  • Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
  • You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
  • You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3.     Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4.     Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Dealing with Difficult People Fan Page

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Hi,

I just thought I’d send you a quick note to let you know that I’ve just set up a Facebook Fan Page.

And obviously I think you should join.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself why should I join a “Fan Page,” when I’m already buried in Farmville requests?

Well quite simply, Fan Page is not my term. If I had to choose a better one, it would be “Get Useful Information Via Facebook Page.”

Well maybe not that exact phrase – but you get the point.

So here are the benefits to you:

All my informational outlets (blogs, Twitter, Linkedin and newsletters) are automatically routed to Facebook. So whenever something changes or gets updated, you’ll see that change or update in your news feed when you next log in. You’ll also be able to share it with others or comment directly.

It’s really about bringing everything together in a place where most people already have an account, so that you can get valuable insights and information when it is most convenient to you.

So take a second and “Like” me at this link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dealing-With-Difficult-People/166627780016958

What is a bully?

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Dear Rhonda:  I’m working with someone I think is a bully.  She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way.  My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse.  What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with.  Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want  to get involved (Zogby study).  That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well.  If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences.  One person will be very direct, one will be passive.  One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not.  One person likes attention, and one does not.  Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying.  It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

What is a bully?

–       unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

–       someone who intends to harm the victim

–       is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

–       will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

–       has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective.  What does the bully get from bullying you?  What is their payoff?  Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)?  Why?

Take the “High Road Less Travelled”

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It is important to never give in to your desire to lash out, fight back, or hurt your difficult person.  Tempting, but don’t do it.

I would rather regret something I didn’t say than regret something I did say.

This week, be sure that you are the consummate professional.  Be the one to take that high road.  You’ll find that the traffic up there is much lighter than the traffic on the unprofessional road.

Is there a lot of conflict in your office?

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According to Your Workplace magazine (June 2009) in a study of 5,00 full-time employees in Europe and the Americas found that only 12% of them had received formal training in conflict management.

The three work sectors where frequent conflict is most common is government (42.7%), eduation (41.8%) and not-for-profit (41.3%)

What are you doing to ensure you are part of the solution and not part of the problem?

Are you reading these weekly tips and then not doing anything with them?  When was the last time you actively ensured that you were resolving conflict and not just ignoring it?

Ensure you are ON THE RIGHT TRACK to conflict resolution!  Build your skills by re-reading some of our past tips, have a look in the mirror and truly reflect on what you’ve been doing to fix the problem.

What is the difference?

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We typically label anyone that is difficult as a difficult person.  The actual definition of a difficult person is:

Those people who continually and chronically get in your way of you doing your job and living your life effectively (Websters)

Statistically that is only about two percent of the population.  I realize that some days it feels like we meet about a month’s worth of two percent in one shot!

What most of us are actually experiencing is conflict.  According to Websters conflict is:

A state of being that occurs over a prolonged period during which issues are not addressed, thereby adding to dissonance.

Basically it is tension.

It might make it a little easier to decide if you are dealing with conflict/tension or if you are truly dealing with a difficult person.  Sometimes it makes it easier to separate from the problem by diagnosing it correctly.

Truly difficult people are rare, and it is easy to emotionally step back from the problem because it isn’t personal.  They are just like that.

Conflict is personal and we need to realize that we are typically part of the tension that is created.  Do something different to defuse some of the tension.

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