difficult Archives - Dealing with difficult people

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

January 12, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By, Deepak Chopra

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

January 12, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Self-Important People

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By, Deepak Chopra

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

December 8, 2016/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by, Tony Schwartz

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

Workplace Conflict: Three leadership tips to harness the positive aspects of workplace conflict

August 2, 2016/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Are you in the majority of people who see conflict as destructive and avoid it at all costs? Or do you see conflict as an essential ingredient to create a healthy organization and reap the rewards of continuous improvement?

The root cause of most conflict is ignorance – either I don’t fully understand your perspective or you don’t understand mine. Therefore the answer is education – I need to be educated about your thoughts and feelings and you need to be educated about mine.

The more emotional the reaction to conflict, the less likely that rational, logical arguments will prevail. As a leader, here are three tips to harness the positive side of workplace conflict.

Conflict Tip 1: Be Curious Not Furious
Curiosity is perhaps a leader’s greatest asset. It replaces harsh judgement or overly passive victim thinking. Be curious about why the other person is so upset and what some possible solutions might be. Curiosity will encourage you to listen and understand the other person’s point of view and speak calmly about your perspective. Staying curious will help you discover win/win solutions that build on the ideas from multiple perspectives.

Conflict Tip 2: Acknowledge Emotion to Get to Logic
Emotion overrides logic. Listen without interruption, acknowledge what you’ve heard and then suggest alternative perspectives. To be a good diffuser of emotion it helps to match the emotional intensity of the other person without actually arguing with them. When the other person sees and hears that you “get them” they will tend to calm down and be more rational.
An example would be a two-year-old who screams, “I want a cookie, I want a cookie.” If the mother or father simply uses a calm, kindergarten teacher’s voice it won’t show an understanding of the emotional intensity. Instead, the parent could use a similar voice tone with these words, “I know you want a cookie, I know you want a cookie, and you can’t have a cookie right now because we are going to have dinner soon.”

Conflict Tip 3: Remain Calm and Respectful
Conflict situations can bring out disrespectful behavior from the leader. Talking down to someone, yelling at them or demeaning them will only cause bigger problems for the leader. Supervisors, managers and team leaders are held to a higher standard of acceptable behavior than the workers they supervise.
To help leaders stay calm and cool in difficult situation it helps to offer specific training in dealing with difficult situations and conversations. A leader can also make a conscious choice to step away from the situation for a few minutes, call for back up or breathe deeply to regain emotional control.

The value from conflict comes from harnessing the different perspectives, backgrounds and experiences of the people involved to drive the best possible outcome. We help by providing training to front line supervisors, managers and team leaders.

Article by, Greg Schinkel

Working with Difficult People

February 24, 2014/in Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Who is the most difficult person you work with? Does it feel to you like they spend each evening plotting and planning on how to ruin the next day for you? Does it drain your energy just thinking about this person? You’re not alone. It seems that every one of us has a ‘difficult to deal with’ person in our life. They take a lot of energy just to ignore, and many of us wish they would just go away. If you can identify with this scenario, finish the rest of this sentence: “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…”

What is you ‘if’?

Now go back and look at what you wrote. Is your answer dependant on them doing something to change? Why do you think they would be willing to change to make your life easier? You’re right, they won’t. So how are we going to be more effective when working with this person? There are three things that you can change.

1- The System. Perhaps this person is difficult because they are a ‘stick to the rules’ kind of person and you aren’t. It can be very frustrating to you and that this person is so stuck on the system you don’t agree with. If you could just change the system it would make your life a lot easier, don’t you think? Of course, changing the system is an extremely time intensive proposition with no guarantee of any success. There are people, like Erin Brockovich for example, who are able to change the system but most people decide that the effort does not equal the payoff. If this is your situation, you may choose to avoid trying to change the system. I’m not saying that it won’t work – I am saying that it will take a lot of your time and efforts before you see any dividends. It may be easier to take another approach with your difficult person.

2- The Other Person. You’ve probably heard the old cliché, “If you plan on changing your spouse when you get married, it makes for a very interesting first marriage.” It’s not so easy to change the other person because there is no incentive for them to change. Why should they? What they are doing is currently working just fine, isn’t it? Consider a co-worker that listens to his music at a very loud volume. He likes I that loud, it helps him drown out all the other noise in the office. You despise the type of music he listens to, and it is far too loud for you to concentrate. You’ve asked your co-worker to turn it down every day for the past three months and it has now escalated into an all-out war between the two of you. You are trying to get your difficult person to see that his music is too loud and you cannot concentrate. You are trying to change his perspective on the volume. Why should he turn it down? He likes it just the way it is. Trying to change the other person is often like hitting your head against a brick wall; it just doesn’t work very well. There is no incentive for the other person to take your perspective.

3- You. Of course, you do have one hundred percent control of what you do. You could try to change your perspective on the situation. Let’s assume that your difficult person is Mary, and Mary loves to complain about the company you work for. She says things like, “they don’t appreciate us”, “I’m doing all the work around here and never get any recognition”, and “this is an old boys club and women will never get in senior management positions”. Basic whining and moaning, all the time, day in and day out. At first, you agreed with some of the things she said, and occasionally got pulled into the negativity yourself. After a while you realized how destructive this was to your attitude and you tried to convince Mary that she was wrong. This, of course, just intensified the situation and the negativity seemed to get worse. You’ve probably moved into the same ‘zone’ that many of us do when confronted with Mary – saying “You’re right, this is a terrible place to work”, hoping that your agreement will make her go away faster.

Did it work? Not really. What Mary wants is attention and acknowledgment. You are giving her both of those things. We need to change what we are doing to get a different result.

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got”

You’ve heard that before, and it is completely true. If we want to change the way Mary is acting, we need to change what we are doing, and not give her what she wants. People are difficult because they are getting something out of the deal. They may be getting attention, agreement or even success because of it (think of aggressive drivers). If we want them to do something different (remember the opening question?) then we need to DO something different.

The next time Mary says “I hate this company”, don’t argue with her or agree with her, give her what she doesn’t want (agreement, attention, etc.) and say something like “I LOVE working her!” Don’t worry about if you agree with what you are saying or not, give her something other than what she wants. She wants to complain. She wants to be negative. Don’t give her what she wants.

This will work! Sometimes a lot of work too, especially if you happen to be in a negative mood that day and agree with her. Don’t give into the temptation. Be 100% consistent in this approach. For two weeks this will be very difficult for you. I promise that if you are consistent and not give Mary what she wants, then she will change her behaviour.

The next time you are asked the question “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…” the right answer lies within you. You can change what is happening with that person. It takes time, effort, persistence and patience.

The result is worth the effort!

Difficult People Can Be Overcome

December 21, 2011/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

There are many types of difficult people. They come in all shapes and sizes. Difficult people hold many different social and economical status. Difficult people make things…well…difficult.

If any one person seeks to alienate, divide, belittle, or in general make a hostile work environment, or makes you dread going to work, they may qualify as a difficult person. They could be a bully, or it could be just a personality clash. Regardless, there are certain things you must do.

First, take away the power they have over you. At the moment, they have control, and you need to get back in charge (for you).

You need to document all paper, e-mails, or vocal exchanges. Suffering, tolerating or ignoring any type of workplace bullying will get you nowhere except in a hospital.

One option you have is to rationally speak with the offender, keeping anger and reactionary response out of it. Mull things over, sleep on it, and talk with co-workers, friends, and family to ensure you’re not being rash.

The difficult person in question will probably talk with others as well and possibly turn others against you. Take your concerns to a higher position, with facts and documentation, (proving you have integrity, respect, and genuine appreciation for your job and other people).

Difficult people can make us disgruntled and leave us feeling disposable. Often times this particular difficult person has lashed out at others, (you are often not the only victim).

“Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men” General George S Patton, Jr

Customarily difficult people have issues of their own and for whatever reason makes them feel better to demean and chastise people that are weaker or are a threat to them. It is in you to regain the power to create your own quality of life.

Let your management know that you want to achieve the goals of your organization, for it is through teamwork and shared goals, principles, and values, that your organization will be able to succeed!

Meetings and your Difficult Person/Bully

March 14, 2011/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

If you are attending a meeting this week, and your difficult person (or bully) is attending, make a point to sit BESIDE her, not across the table from her.

When you position yourself across the table you are placing yourself in a potentially adversarial position. By putting yourself beside your difficult person you are in a position of equality, not competition.

This way you don’t even have to guess if she is talking about you. You know she isn’t, nor can she (you are much too close)! This will take some of the pressure off you (believe it or not), and hopefully you’ll be able to concentrate on your job more.

I survived

January 24, 2011/in Bully, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1. Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2. Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3. Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4. Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!

December 13, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

“Can you read this over to make sure it sounds okay?” We’ve done that haven’t we? Don’t.

If there is tension in a relationship, the desire to turn to email is overwhelming. i realize that we want a paper trail, we want to avoid our difficult person, and we want to ensure that we are not part of the problem.

The problem is email itself. You may have written an email that sounds perfect to you, but you aren’t the other person! If there is a way to read it the wrong way, that is pretty much what is going to happen.

The tension in your relationship is causing the person to read your email with a “tone” of voice that you potentially weren’t intending to put in the message. They heard it anyway. It isn’t about right or wrong, it is about perception. Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.

If you can, go over and speak to your difficult person. be prepared and stick to your “script”. Follow up the meeting with an email summary, but don’t have the conversation on email.

If a live conversation is just too much to expect, then have the conversation over the telephone. Worst case scenario, call their voice mail and leave the message.

Email is guaranteed to make it worse.

Putting a stop to email bullying

November 5, 2010/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Bullying has been getting a lot of press lately. In a recent Zogby International study, 54 million Americans say they have been attacked by bullies at work. That is an astounding number.

The definition of bullying is activity that is unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to harm the victim. It is persistent, prolonged and it happens over a period of time.

What we’ve seen is a change in the way people are handling confrontation. Many people are uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so email confrontation is increasing astronomically. People are clearly not uncomfortable with email confrontation.

I’ve recently seen several cases of email bullying. I’m willing to bet that the person involved in the email confrontation was not aware that she was being unfair, humiliating, potentially malicious or vindictive. I’m willing to bet that these people thought they were handing the situation clearly and in a businesslike manner.

That was not the case.

To begin with, confrontation should not be handled via email.

I realize that given the choice, it’s easier to have a confrontation via email rather than face-to-face. It gives us the opportunity to choose our words carefully, and to be very clear and unemotional. It also gives us a valuable paper trail so we don’t have to rely on “he said–she said” afterthought.

So I realize that sometimes these tense conversations are held via email. As much as I advise you not to do that, it does sometimes still happen. If so, here’s what not to do: add someone else to the conversation.

If it is a conversation between you and another person, don’t include others; don’t add anyone to the cc: field. Especially don’t add anyone to the bcc: field, (which includes others in the conversation without the receiver being aware of it). If you are having an issue with one person, don’t bring others into it without permission. That is unfair and potentially humiliating.

A client I’ve been coaching was having an email dialogue with a contractor in another time zone. Things got heated and unexpectedly, several VPs and senior directors from my client’s firm were added to the conversation. My client felt ganged up on; he felt that adding his executives to the discussion was unfair to him. It was certainly humiliating and he felt that his contractor was trying to harm his professional reputation.

That is bullying. Would the bully do this again? Potentially, as it probably worked well for him.

The bully in my example would have defended his position by saying that the senior team needed to be brought into the conversation. While that justification might be accurate, shouldn’t the other party be aware, and agree to that? The bully gave my client no choice.

Be careful you’re not bullying someone on email without being aware of it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you feel that it was unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to hurt you?

If you’ve ever called a co-worker over to read an email to make sure it sounds okay, don’t send it. I guarantee the tone you are hoping it is read in is not the tone that it will be read in. Pick up the phone or go speak to the individual in person, but don’t handle the conversation via email if there is another option.

And if you are being bullied via email, stop the conversation immediately. Pick up the phone. Find a way to speak to the person using any medium other than email. Take control so your bully cannot continue to bully you.

Help Me Rhonda? Where to meet?

October 22, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Help Me Rhonda!

I’m finally ready to have a confrontation with my co-worker. I just can’t take it anymore. Is there a best place to have this meeting?

Help Me Rhonda!

Ready-But-Nervous!

Dear Ready-But-Nervous!

Congratulations and being willing to have the confrontation/conversation. As you know, most people talk themselves out of the final discussion.

There are a few things to keep in mind when scheduling your meeting:
– Keep it neutral. You want to meet where you both can be comfortable (as much as the situation allows anyway). Your office would put you in the drivers seat, and your co-worker might be intimidated. If you are comfortable with the idea, meeting in his/her office is not bad. If your Human Resources department is involved, the best place would be to meet in their office. Neutral is important.
o What you don’t want to do is meet in the office of a “friend/supervisor” who is attending the meeting to support you either. First of all, should they even be there?
– Keep it private. You also don’t want to meet in a public setting where others can overhear your conversation. If you work in cubicles, this isn’t the place to have the confrontation. Neither is the coffee room, lunchroom or washroom.

Be sure to close the door and keep your discussion private. Don’t forget to give them a chance to respond either!

Good luck; sounds like you are on-the-right-track to solution.

Should You Walk Away?

October 18, 2010/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Last week Bill O’Reilly paid a visit to the set of The View. In case you haven’t seen the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25uyFwWPOZg

Bill had a heated discussion with the ladies and said several very inflammatory comments. Now lets be clear here, Bill O’Reilly enjoys pushing buttons and was probably well aware that his comments were inappropriate, but any publicity is good publicity for a guy like Bill right?

The View

Both Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set. They were unable to have an adult, logical discussion with Bill and were very upset by his comments.
Once they left Barbara Walters announced that we should be able to have discussions without washing our hands and walking away.

I completely disagree.

When you are dealing with a difficult person (as Bill O’Reillly was for Whoopie and Joy), and they are not willing to have an adult, logical discussion; why should you stay and keep trying? Will anything be accomplished?

The ladies were emotional, upset and an adult, fair, logical discussion was not going to happen. Walking away was smart on their part.

It would have been easy to say something that they would regret. It would have been easy to call him an unprofessional name. It would have been easy for them to destroy their own credibility.

It was smart to walk away in this situation.

I agree with Barbara that we “should” be able to have discussions without walking away in theory. In reality, sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can do.

Know when to have a discussion, and know when to walk away.

Dealing with Difficult People Fan Page

October 13, 2010/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Hi,

I just thought I’d send you a quick note to let you know that I’ve just set up a Facebook Fan Page.

And obviously I think you should join.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself why should I join a “Fan Page,” when I’m already buried in Farmville requests?

Well quite simply, Fan Page is not my term. If I had to choose a better one, it would be “Get Useful Information Via Facebook Page.”

Well maybe not that exact phrase – but you get the point.

So here are the benefits to you:

All my informational outlets (blogs, Twitter, Linkedin and newsletters) are automatically routed to Facebook. So whenever something changes or gets updated, you’ll see that change or update in your news feed when you next log in. You’ll also be able to share it with others or comment directly.

It’s really about bringing everything together in a place where most people already have an account, so that you can get valuable insights and information when it is most convenient to you.

So take a second and “Like” me at this link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dealing-With-Difficult-People/166627780016958

What NOT to say during Confrontation!

October 4, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Don’t say it!

I was volunteering at water station a marathon recently. The station was held on a residential street, so the street was closed off, all traffic diverted and the residents were asked to have their cars off the street no later than 8am.

Don’t Swear!

At 8:15am a man walked out his front door. One of other volunteers asked him if the vehicle still on the street was his and could he please remove it.

Clearly this guy was not a morning guy, nor was he in support of the marathon. He was rude, abusive and stubborn and was not going to be moving his vehicle.

As he went back into the house, one of the volunteers shouted at him “A—hole!”

So wrong!

Regardless of the situation, regardless of who is right or wrong; do not resort to name-calling or profanity.

This is guaranteed to put the situation or relationship at a new level of tension.

I’m pretty sure that several of the volunteers that morning were thinking that exact thought, but that doesn’t make it OK to voice the thought.

Name-calling is never the right answer. Bite your tongue. Every time.

Silence can be golden

September 17, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

When someone pushes your buttons, the best thing you can do is let their verbal attack hang in the air. Say nothing. This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever. It means that for now, the conversation is over. You’ll continue the conversation later, when you are calmer and so are they. Take a look at the confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike: Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that. Here, let me show you how.

Steve: I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet. You’re constantly messing up and I don’t want your advice!

Mike: (holds extended, silent eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

The attack seems to be uncalled for. Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line. What will happen if Mike fights back? More fighting. Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur. Picking your battles is a sign of strength. The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Take the high road in situations such as this one. It will save you from saying something you’ll regret.

What is a bully?

September 1, 2010/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Dear Rhonda: I’m working with someone I think is a bully. She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way. My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse. What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with. Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want to get involved (Zogby study). That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well. If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences. One person will be very direct, one will be passive. One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not. One person likes attention, and one does not. Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying. It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

– unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

– someone who intends to harm the victim

– is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

– will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

– has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective. What does the bully get from bullying you? What is their payoff? Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)? Why?

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

August 23, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.

When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.

Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check. She lashed out in anger at me. It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me. It also instantly made me angry.

I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.

I said nothing in response. I knew enough to keep quiet. I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.

When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond. Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy. In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say. If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.

Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.

You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

August 10, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Christopher

Some times the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut, not to fight back and to take the high road.

Christopher is my 18-year-old son, and he has been working his past four summers at a local golf course. He knows what he is doing, has been doing it well (and training others), and the management at the golf course values Christopher.

Two weeks ago, Sam, an “older” gentleman was hired as a favour to the owner. When I say older, I mean he is in his 60s. To Christopher, this is the age of his grandfather and certainly someone worth respecting.

Chris was assigned the task of training Sam. Unfortunately, Sam immediately tried to make changes; tell Chris that he was doing his job wrong, and basically cause quite a bit of tension in what should be a relaxing work environment. Sam was very verbal, very negative and not at all respectful to his coworkers. He felt that as the older person in the workplace, he knew better than the young kids he was working with.

Christopher has been keeping his mouth shut (which is hard for my 18-year-old outspoken son) while Sam has been complaining about Chris to everyone. I’ve been coaching him to not say anything he will regret, and to take the high road.

Yesterday it all paid off for him. Sam was blasting Chris in a public area (in front of other staff and customers) just when the wife of the owner walked in. Needless to say, things are different at work today.

I would have been easy for Chris to give as good as Sam did. It certainly would have felt better. It might have taken years instead of weeks for Sam’s true colours to show (if at all). It may have caused Christopher a lot of stress in the interim.

It was still the right thing to do. Chris can think of what he would have liked to say, but he doesn’t have to regret what he did say. The other staff could see what Sam was doing, and Chris didn’t need to fight back in front of them. He looks far more professional than the man three times his age.

Sam will be taken care of. Christopher has no worries on his job.

Take the high road – do the right thing (even if it is difficult). Plan your strategy, follow your plan, and be proud of your actions when dealing with your difficult person.

Are you breathing?

June 14, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person. The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.

The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe! Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.

It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).

Are you venting or solution oriented?

May 26, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Many times we are more focused on the “Confrontation” than we are the solution. Do you mistake a confrontation for a vent session? Do you go into your confrontation (or conversation) with a solution in mind, or are you just trying to vent with your difficult person?

Lets assume the issue is your coworker who is constantly asking you to “cover” for them while they are away from the office. You’ve done this in the past, but are now uncomfortable with this arrangement and want it to stop. You’ve spoke to your coworker before and told her that you don’t want to continue. She says OK, but is still disappearing, leaving you to make up excuses or explanations.

You’ve had enough and won’t cover for her anymore as she has pushed you one time to many. When you approach her to discuss the situation, are you planning on venting on how unprofessional, how unfair she is being to you? Do you want to explain all the reasons that you shouldn’t be covering for her? Are you focused on any solution at all?

Instead of venting (although I realize you want to do this), stay focused on the solution – or end result you want. Tell her that you are uncomfortable (explanation and venting are two different things), and that in the future you will not make excuses, you will simply say you have no idea where your coworker is.

The solution is where you should be focused, not the venting. The venting will create more tension, more frustration and no solution.

Keep focused – it will be worth it!

Words are permanent

May 4, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Words are dangerous. Words hurt. Words can leave scars. Be very careful what you say when dealing with your difficult person.

It is easy to lash back. It is easy to say things that are meant to hurt in the middle of a confrontation, whether it is intentional or not. When someone pushes our buttons we often strike back verbally without realizing the dangers of pushing back. It is so tempting to want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting us.

Don’t.

The best thing you can do is to let a verbal attack hang in the air. Say nothing at the time. This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever. It means that for now, the conversation is over.

You’ll continue the confrontation/conversation at a later date. At a date when you are calmer and so are they.

Have a look at a confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike: Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that. Here, let me show you how.

Steve: I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet. You’re so stupid and constantly messing up, there is no way I want your advice!

Mike: (Holds extended “silent” eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

Can you imagine if you were Mike? The attack seemed to be uncalled for. Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line. What will happen if Mike fights back? More fighting. Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.

Picking your battles is a sign of strength. The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Try it. It will save you from saying something you regret. Take the high road in situations such as this one.

You need to calm down!

April 12, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Calm Down

Doesn’t it drive you around the bend when someone tells you to calm down? That is about the worst thing you could possibly say to a person who has lost their cool. So don’t say it. Ever.

I can appreciate that sometimes people get out of hand. I can appreciate that in order for us to proceed they are going to need to calm down. However, telling them to calm down is like throwing grease on the fire – it will just cause a big blow up.

Instead of telling the other person to calm down, perhaps we need to say “I need to take a breather before we continue. Perhaps we could continue this conversation in 45 minutes.”

I realize that when you are dealing with a client that option is not always available and you must deal with the situation immediately. Continue to speak calmly and with extra care – but don’t tell the other person to calm down!

Keep your own cool, and remind yourself to calm down – but don’t give that advice to an angry and difficult person. It will make matters much worse. Breathe deeply …. But bite your tongue!

Your buttons

February 11, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Do you know where your buttons are?

You need to know what makes you jump. You need to know what makes you react unprofessionally, and then you need to know how to keep your cool when one of those buttons are pushed.

I tested myself this weekend with my teenaged daughter. For those of you who have teenagers, I’m sure you’ll agree that at times they absolutely fall into the “difficult people” category.

Victoria tried several times on Sunday to push my buttons. She wanted to fight, and was getting very frustrated when I did not react the way she wanted me to.

That in itself was worth it. She did however, manage to get under my skin, and I too, was frustrated. I just didn’t give the reaction I normally give. I did respond though.

A response is the thought-out version of a reaction. I responded, meaning I didn’t ignore her; I didn’t let her get what she wanted (a fight). I kept my cool, held firm, but didn’t allow her to push my buttons.

That felt nice for me.

That frustrated her.

That felt nice for me!

It isn’t about winning and losing, but it is about doing the right thing at the right time with your difficult person. I did the right thing by not letting Victoria push my buttons. Can you do that today?

What can we learn from Conan and NBC?

January 21, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC. It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.

They both need to learn to SHUT UP! When you have an argument with someone in your workplace, the worst thing you can do is tell everyone else what happened, who said what, who did what etc.

This seems to be the pattern for both Conan and NBC. Both are thinking they are getting good press for what they are saying in the public.

Both are wrong. Sadly, they both look juvenile, and I will have a hard time supporting either in the future.

Learn from the mistakes of others. When something is going wrong, keep your mouth shut. If you need to discuss what is going on, be very careful about who you chat with (they likely will chat with someone else), and what you say. Take your frustrations to your family, or someone in HR, but not to a coworker, or coworkers!

If either of them had taken the high road, I would have supported them. In the workplace, I don’t need to take sides, but it would be hard to support someone who was so obviously childish and unprofessional.

Take my advice and keep the information out of the workplace setting. You will make the situation far worse. I would rather regret that I didn’t say anything than regret telling everyone everything.

Avoidance

January 14, 2010/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Morgan is putting in our pool in our Florida vacation home. He is a great guy, fun to chat with, does fantastic work, but he is very difficult to deal with because he is an avoider.

Morgan hates conflict, so he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, which isn’t always the truth.

We’ve been having a major problem with final delivery date of the pool. It was due weeks ago, and the pool is still not done. Morgan won’t tell us exactly why (although we clearly see that his time management is the issue); instead he avoids the question. When asked when we can see a completed pool, he will give me a date (like, “next Tuesday”), but when Tuesday arrives, he says, “Well, maybe Thursday.”

: Avoider

He avoids saying the truth because he knows that I will be upset. He avoids facing the issue because he is uncomfortable with confrontation. He does everything he can to keep the waters calm, to keep me happy and to avoid talking about the why it is late and when it will be ready.

Initially it was very difficult to get angry with him because he was such a nice guy. After missing the deadline by weeks, it was easier to be angry.

He doesn’t return phone calls. He doesn’t tell the truth. He doesn’t want to deal with the situation, which makes him a very difficult person in my eyes.

Is his behaviour intentional? Partially. I think he is deliberately not returning my calls because he doesn’t want to discuss the fact the pool is still not done. When we see him in person, he changes the subject, dances around the issue, and avoids commitment. Is that deliberate or innocent? A bit of both. He has “learned” to avoid conflict and he does it without realizing he is doing it.

The bad news is that there is no easy fix. I can’t force him to tell me the truth or return my phone calls. What I can do is be very clear on what I want, without making it seem too confrontational. I can call him every day, or every hour until he finally returns my call. I can ask him to promise me it will be done.

But I can’t always win. I can’t always get the truth, and I’m still not getting my pool delivered on time.

I can choose to never work with him again once the pool is finished though. In a workplace, that isn’t so easy. The best you can do is be aware you are dealing with an avoider, and be very clear on expectations. You’ll still suffer from frustration, and they will still avoid uncomfortable situations and commitments.

Not everything that is faced can be easily changed, but by not facing an issue is guaranteeing that it won’t change. Better to do something than nothing at all.

Taming your emotions

December 28, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Emotions

Lets face it, at this time of the year; emotions are closer to the surface. It is easier to get upset, angry and much easier to lash out when we are operating from the heart and not the head.

Regardless, take your emotions out of the equation. Write down your issue on paper so you can see it in black and white. Take away the word “feel” from the description of what is happening. Think black and white and logical and stay away from emotional. Try to imagine yourself giving advice to a friend instead of giving advice to yourself.

If you operate from a position of emotion, you run the risk of saying and doing the wrong thing.

Step back, take a deep breath, and look at the black and white. This will allow you to say ON THE RIGHT TRACK with your difficult person this week.

Dealing with Negativity

December 10, 2009/in Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

I am no

t a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.

There are several approaches to dealing with negativity, and while none of them are easy, they are simple to do without compromising your credibility at work.

I’ll share my favourite approach today. Try to do this for the next 30 days. It won’t be easy.

Turn every negative statement they say into a positive one.

Them: “It’s too cold outside”
You: “I love my sweater and I can’t wear it in the summer. The cold allows me to wear it and I like that”

Them: “This company takes advantage of us all the time”
You: “I’m glad I have a job”

Them: “Bob the Boss is such a jerk don’t you think?”
You: “I’ve heard horror stories, so put into perspective, I can deal with Bob”

You don’t actually have to believe what you are saying; you just have to say the positive version of what your difficult person is saying. You may think that Bob the Boss is a jerk too, but if you agree with their negativity, you are actually encouraging them to be negative more often.

You must be 100% consistent with this approach though. Always take their negativity and make it positive. This will exhaust you. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

This won’t make them a positive person. It just makes them take their negativity elsewhere.

That’s OK with me 🙂

Take a step back

October 19, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

There is always another perspective, always another way to look at things, always two sides to every story.

Force yourself to try to see the opposite point of view, even if it sounds ridiculous to you.

Whenever Warren, my husband, and I are driving and he starts to complain about the other drivers, I make a point to find some crazy, often silly, viewpoint which would explain why the other person was driving that way.

As much as it drives Warren crazy, it does get my point across, and sometimes calms the situation a bit.

Your difficult person still may be difficult, but taking the time to find another viewpoint is worth your time. Sometimes it defuses your tension and sometimes it provides a moment of clarity, but taking a step back is always a good idea.

Keep ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

Try the “Broken Record” Technique

October 7, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

It’s OK to say to your difficult person “This isn’t a good time for me to finish this discussion” instead of getting into a confrontation that you aren’t prepared for.

When you are being railroaded into a confrontation to discuss and issue “here and now” you do not have to agree to their terms. You aren’t being difficult back, you are just taking some control over the circumstances.

Practice the “broken record” technique.

Calmly say “This isn’t a good time for me to finish this discussion” and refuse to baited into having the discussion now – especially when it isn’t a good time for you.

The best part of the broken record technique is that you don’t run out of things to say. You calmly repeat the same thing over and over again. Find a time to continue the discussion that works for both of you.

Good luck, and keep on-the-right-track this week!

A lesson from Serena Williams – keep your cool!

September 14, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, How to Deal with Anger, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Serena Williams lost it at the US Open last weekend. Her temper got the best of her and she reacted emotionally, inappropriately and unprofessionally.

What gets lost in the story is the calmness with which the line judge held herself.

Had the line judge yelled and threatened back to Williams, then we would have all jumped to Williams’ defense.

How people feel about footfaults being called during high-level matches would be irrelevant if the line judge had fought back. She didn’t, which was the perfect response. And that response put all the fault on Williams who, alone, will pay for her outburst. (Williams was fined $10,000, the maximum penalty allowed for unsportsmanlike conduct in tennis, not to mention the loss of an important match and the untold damage to her reputation.)

After being called on a footfault during her serve, Williams walked over to the line judge, making a threatening gesture with her racquet and reportedly told her, “If I could, I would take this **** ball and shove it down your **** throat.” It is also alleged she threatened to kill the line judge, although Williams vehemently denies it.

Read more and watch a six-minute video of the confrontation at http://tinyurl.com/m2p8ka

If you were the line judge, could you have kept your cool in that situation? Could you have received those comments without fighting back?

It is important to remember that when one person loses it, the other should do the complete opposite, and remain very calm.

Do not interrupt the other person. Imagine if the line judge had angrily responded, ‘Are you threatening me?’ Even though I know that type of retort would have been wrong, I can imagine myself responding that way.

An angry response would have escalated the argument to much higher levels and Williams could have charged that she had been provoked.

Let the other person have her tirade; let her finish. If appropriate, call a time-out by saying something along the lines of, ‘This is not a good time to finish this conversation. Let’s meet again this afternoon’ – then walk away. Do not continue the conversation when tempers are flaring.

The line judge didn’t respond to Williams, but instead quickly got the referee involved. The line judge kept her cool, even though she felt physically threatened, believing that Williams was threatening her life. That is the calm, cool exterior we want to achieve when we are in a confrontation.

A lot can be learned from this episode. Williams should have done things differently, and I’m certainly hoping she regrets her inability to control her temper.

Learn from the line judge, the referee and even Williams, so you can avoid being the front page news story at your office.

I would be more effective working with you if…..?

September 1, 2009/in Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

If I asked you the question, “I would be more effective work with “X” if…. (fill in the blank)”, how would you finish that question?

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if she worked somewhere else?

I would be more effective working with Mike if he had a better attitude, listened to what I was saying, didn’t go over my head at work etc etc?

That is a natural way to answer that question, but if you look at what you’ve said, you are asking your difficult person to change their behaviour.

That is not going to happen.

Every morning they get up and answer the above question about you:

I would be more effective working with Susan if she just left me alone!

You can’t make your difficult person change. What you can do is do something different so you get a different response/reaction from them.

Dealing with your difficult person isn’t about getting others to do what you want them to do (that makes you a difficult person). Dealing with difficult people is about learning to create the circumstances where you get what you need.

You don’t make another person be more positive, to listen better or arrive at work on time. You learn to create the circumstances where you are able to get what you need.

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if I didn’t let her complaining bother me.

I would be more effective working with John if I had more compassion for his personal life.

Not easy is it?

Have you ever heard the expression “If you marry your spouse planning to change them after the wedding, it makes for a very interesting first marriage”?

You can’t make people do what you want. They can’t make you do what they want.

You learn to adapt to the circumstances to get what you need (and not necessarily at the expense of the other person either).

How do you respond to inappropriate statements?

August 20, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Congressman Barney Frank (Mass) became a bit of a celebrity this week by answering what many would consider an inappropriate question with an attack back: “Mam, what planet do you spend most of your time on?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYlZiWK2Iy8

While it made for an entertaining news clip, it was not the correct way to handle this lady. He followed it up by saying “Having a conversation with you is like having a conversation with the dining room table, and I have no interest.” Again, he blew it. He looks immature, irresponsible and completely unprofessional.

It is tempting to resort to sarcastic low blows, to embarrass or fight back, but in a professional environment, you risk your own reputation and credibility by doing so. If you watch the above clip, he looks like the difficult person at the end of it, and I almost felt sorry for the woman.

Don’t do this regardless of how tempting it is.

Mr. Frank should have taken the “camouflage” technique to deal with this woman. To camouflage means to disguise the question/statement. I describe it as being deliberately naive when responding to it.

What should have happened:

Lady: “Why do you continue to support a Nazi policy…”

Mr. Frank: “I support this policy because….”

He should have deliberately left out the Nazi comment and continued.

This way the situation would not have escalated the way it did.

If we want to “take the high road” and we want to appear as the professional in any situation, we have to strategize our approach. Refuse to be baited by your difficult person, or difficult situations.

I bet that later that evening Mr. Frank regretted how he handled this woman. I also bet that if he had used the camouflage technique he would have been proud of himself.

Are YOU the problem?

August 12, 2009/in Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Yesterday, I received an email from Sue that made me chuckle. She realized that she was the difficult person at work.

I laughed and advised Sue not to worry, as we are all someone’s difficult person.

Whoever you have labeled your difficult person has likely labeled you as their difficult person.

Why? Because at the moment, your difficult person is blocking you from getting what you want. You react to their negativity, their laziness … whatever it is they are doing that bothers you. You do everything you can to make them stop this behaviour.

For instance, lets say your difficult person is chronically negative. Every day they complain about something (the weather, the economy, the boss etc). You don’t like this and try to change your difficult person into a more positive person. So, they say “I can’t believe its raining again! I’m going to start building the ark.” You are annoyed that they let the weather bother them, so your response (to be positive) is “I love summer rain. It makes everything so green and lush and everything smells so nice. How can you complain about something so beautiful?” … and you put a big smile on your face.

Your difficult person (because they are chronically negative) labels you as difficult because you constantly disagree with them (they see you as someone who is telling them they are always wrong).

Naturally, they don’t like this behaviour and therefore label you as difficult.

If you don’t want to be difficult, then stop letting their behaviour bother you, and stop getting in their way!

Not so easy is it?

You need to do something different in order to get your needs filled. Don’t fall into the trap that if you are stronger than they are, you will win. You might – and you might not, but either way, you are being difficult.

I assume that you don’t want to be difficult (I certainly don’t), so start evaluating how you are hurting your own efforts and start taking some creative (and different) approaches to getting your difficult person to change.

Is there a lot of conflict in your office?

June 9, 2009/in Confrontation Skills, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

According to Your Workplace magazine (June 2009) in a study of 5,00 full-time employees in Europe and the Americas found that only 12% of them had received formal training in conflict management.

The three work sectors where frequent conflict is most common is government (42.7%), eduation (41.8%) and not-for-profit (41.3%)

What are you doing to ensure you are part of the solution and not part of the problem?

Are you reading these weekly tips and then not doing anything with them? When was the last time you actively ensured that you were resolving conflict and not just ignoring it?

Ensure you are ON THE RIGHT TRACK to conflict resolution! Build your skills by re-reading some of our past tips, have a look in the mirror and truly reflect on what you’ve been doing to fix the problem.

What is the difference?

June 1, 2009/in Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

We typically label anyone that is difficult as a difficult person. The actual definition of a difficult person is:

Those people who continually and chronically get in your way of you doing your job and living your life effectively (Websters)

Statistically that is only about two percent of the population. I realize that some days it feels like we meet about a month’s worth of two percent in one shot!

What most of us are actually experiencing is conflict. According to Websters conflict is:

A state of being that occurs over a prolonged period during which issues are not addressed, thereby adding to dissonance.

Basically it is tension.

It might make it a little easier to decide if you are dealing with conflict/tension or if you are truly dealing with a difficult person. Sometimes it makes it easier to separate from the problem by diagnosing it correctly.

Truly difficult people are rare, and it is easy to emotionally step back from the problem because it isn’t personal. They are just like that.

Conflict is personal and we need to realize that we are typically part of the tension that is created. Do something different to defuse some of the tension.

Dealing with a Sniper

May 25, 2009/in Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

We’ve all been on the receiving end of an inappropriate comment in a public setting. Your co-worker embarrasses you with a snide remark meant to be funny, but you weren’t laughing. They are a sniper – and just like the name implies, you were the victim of a sniper attack.

We want to fight back, we want to say something equally as hurtful, and hopefully deflect the humour from you to someone else. It isn’t funny when it happens to you, and a funny response is not the correct approach to take.

Say nothing. Make sure you make eye contact that lasts about three seconds too long. You know “the look” that tells your sniper you heard the comment, and you choose not to respond do it.

Don’t smile, don’t laugh, don’t look for support from others. Just “look”

You’ll walk away knowing that you were on-the-right-track and didn’t stoop to their level.

Posts

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

Workplace Conflict: Three leadership tips to harness the positive aspects of workplace conflict

Working with Difficult People

By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Difficult People Can Be Overcome

Meetings and your Difficult Person/Bully

I survived

Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!

Putting a stop to email bullying

Help Me Rhonda? Where to meet?

Should You Walk Away?

Dealing with Difficult People Fan Page

What NOT to say during Confrontation!

Silence can be golden

What is a bully?

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Are you breathing?

Are you venting or solution oriented?

Words are permanent

You need to calm down!

Your buttons

What can we learn from Conan and NBC?

Avoidance

Taming your emotions

Dealing with Negativity

Take a step back

Try the “Broken Record” Technique

A lesson from Serena Williams – keep your cool!

I would be more effective working with you if…..?

How do you respond to inappropriate statements?

Are YOU the problem?

Is there a lot of conflict in your office?

What is the difference?

Dealing with a Sniper

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

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