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How To Handle Difficult People At Work?

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This article is written by Susmita Sarma, a digital marketer at Vantage Circle. She was involved with media relations before shifting her interest in research and creative writing. Apart from being a classical music buff, she keeps a keen interest in anchoring and cooking. For any related queries, contact editor@vantagecircle.com

How does it feel working alongside somebody who you’d rather avoid? Don’t you sometimes get crazy at work because of the action and attitude of your coworker?

Well, let’s be honest. In every organization, we encounter a fair share of difficult people. And we all find it challenging to deal with difficult people at work. But that skill is worth rewarding.

Difficult people at work comes in different forms. Like, say, some keeping talking but is never ready to listen. Some others are terrible criticizers and dishonest to their own responsibilities. Again, there are bullies, negativity spreaders, demanding bosses, gossipmongers, and terrible team players with uncompromising employee habits. Other than these, some common behaviors of difficult people at work include-

Mobile phone addicts
Taking credit for other people’s jobs
Double standard personalities
Shouting at others
Blaming others constantly
Showing off how deeply worried they are about work
Stealing ideas and thoughts and showing them as your own
Trust me; if you let these people and their issues go unaddressed, your work-life gets worse. How? Read on.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People At Workplace
Once you realize that you are facing difficulty from a coworker, you generally tend to ignore them. As days pass, you try to console yourselves that relationships get better with time. Sooner or later, the day will come when you will feel miserable going to your workplace. You will feel angry; you will feel pained. All your efforts to not address your difficulties will seem unjustified.

Rather than endure such problems, it’s easier to communicate frankly with the other person and discuss your dilemmas Thus, choosing to live long-term with a difficult situation isn’t a choice. If you are convinced, here are some best ways to help you deal with difficult people at work.

Seven Ways To Handle Difficult People At Work
1. Stop over-reacting and ask yourself.
Always begin with self-examination to assess it’s the difficult person’s activities that are troubling you. Make sure that you are not over-reacting. Ask yourself if you always experience difficulty while dealing with similar people. Do you know if your trouble is short or long-termed? Do you know how to deal with the same for a quicker resolution?

2. Don’t react, if you know that works.
People always try to get a reaction out of you. If you react, they get the chance to repeat themselves. So the next time a coworker says something provocative, try not to react that soon. You can either ignore them or respond in a way that would depict that you are not concerned about their comments. It would put the conversation to rest.

3. Let the difficult person know how you feel.
If you see that, without reactions, things get bitter, let them know how you feel. Be smart and clearly walk up to your coworker or boss and inform them that you do not like how they are treating you.

Try not to burst into your office, asking for answers. Instead, you can do it in a private mode of conversation. Attempt your best not to explode while you are conversing with them. Disclose to them precisely what they are doing and how it is causing you to feel.

It is also important to be pleasing and agreeable as you talk with the other individual. They may not know about the effect of their words or activities on you and accept their mistake. Again, some people might deny it or attempt to clarify your concerns. To keep it balanced, you must try to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

4. Follow up.
Do you see any signs of improvement on the other side? Or you see it getting worse? Decide if a subsequent follow-up conversation is required. Decide if it will have any effect on your image?

Choose if you need to keep on going up against the troublesome individual without anyone’s help. Decide if you still want to confront the annoying individual all alone by yourself. Try to know if other colleagues are in your support or not.

If you find that you still want to make peace, hold another discussion. If not, move on to the next idea of involving your manager.

5. Talk with your manager/boss.
It may sound like a radical move to take, but often a message from those further up the chain is what they need to reform their ways. Note that, to have a difficult conversation with your boss, you need to prepare accordingly. You should be careful with your approach, and predetermine what works with your boss.

Be sure that you are calm when communicating to explain what is troubling you, how it impacts your job, and how you wish it to be addressed. Take notes with you, if required.

It can be a good practice to record your colleague’s disrespectful behavior, which you can provide as proof when you speak to your manager. You can talk to the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person-carefully. It is because group approaches often persuade the manager that the behavior’s effect is broader and deeper.

6. Don’t take it personally.
At the point when somebody is continuously discourteous and rude to us, we can start to think about it literally and feel like we have accomplished something incorrectly. It might be there is something in particular about you that the individual doesn’t care for.

Such employee behaviors may be originating from that individual’s thoughts and beliefs; however, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong. Keeping this in mind will help you to confront the person, confidently.

If all these approaches fail, you can try to limit your access to a difficult person. Also, if possible, you can request to get transferred to a different department within the organization. If you do that, you may never have to deal with the rough coworker again. And then there is the most drastic move that we usually reserve for extreme times- quitting the job.

7. Find a new job.
Sometimes, irrespective of how hard we seek to fix a problem, a person can never alter his or her way. But their behavior should not come in the way of your happiness and success. You have to know whether the positive qualities in your present circumstance outweigh your troubles or vice versa.

It will be best to move on and start looking for other opportunities if it doesn’t seem to be changing. Even though leaving your recognizable work environment may be upsetting, when you sink into another condition away from that negative conduct, you’re sure to feel much better.

How To Handle Difficult People At Work?

/in , , , , , /by

This article is written by Susmita Sarma, a digital marketer at Vantage Circle. She was involved with media relations before shifting her interest in research and creative writing. Apart from being a classical music buff, she keeps a keen interest in anchoring and cooking. For any related queries, contact editor@vantagecircle.com

How does it feel working alongside somebody who you’d rather avoid? Don’t you sometimes get crazy at work because of the action and attitude of your coworker?

Well, let’s be honest. In every organization, we encounter a fair share of difficult people. And we all find it challenging to deal with difficult people at work. But that skill is worth rewarding.

Difficult people at work comes in different forms. Like, say, some keeping talking but is never ready to listen. Some others are terrible criticizers and dishonest to their own responsibilities. Again, there are bullies, negativity spreaders, demanding bosses, gossipmongers, and terrible team players with uncompromising employee habits. Other than these, some common behaviors of difficult people at work include-

Mobile phone addicts
Taking credit for other people’s jobs
Double standard personalities
Shouting at others
Blaming others constantly
Showing off how deeply worried they are about work
Stealing ideas and thoughts and showing them as your own
Trust me; if you let these people and their issues go unaddressed, your work-life gets worse. How? Read on.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People At Workplace
Once you realize that you are facing difficulty from a coworker, you generally tend to ignore them. As days pass, you try to console yourselves that relationships get better with time. Sooner or later, the day will come when you will feel miserable going to your workplace. You will feel angry; you will feel pained. All your efforts to not address your difficulties will seem unjustified.

Rather than endure such problems, it’s easier to communicate frankly with the other person and discuss your dilemmas Thus, choosing to live long-term with a difficult situation isn’t a choice. If you are convinced, here are some best ways to help you deal with difficult people at work.

Seven Ways To Handle Difficult People At Work
1. Stop over-reacting and ask yourself.
Always begin with self-examination to assess it’s the difficult person’s activities that are troubling you. Make sure that you are not over-reacting. Ask yourself if you always experience difficulty while dealing with similar people. Do you know if your trouble is short or long-termed? Do you know how to deal with the same for a quicker resolution?

2. Don’t react, if you know that works.
People always try to get a reaction out of you. If you react, they get the chance to repeat themselves. So the next time a coworker says something provocative, try not to react that soon. You can either ignore them or respond in a way that would depict that you are not concerned about their comments. It would put the conversation to rest.

3. Let the difficult person know how you feel.
If you see that, without reactions, things get bitter, let them know how you feel. Be smart and clearly walk up to your coworker or boss and inform them that you do not like how they are treating you.

Try not to burst into your office, asking for answers. Instead, you can do it in a private mode of conversation. Attempt your best not to explode while you are conversing with them. Disclose to them precisely what they are doing and how it is causing you to feel.

It is also important to be pleasing and agreeable as you talk with the other individual. They may not know about the effect of their words or activities on you and accept their mistake. Again, some people might deny it or attempt to clarify your concerns. To keep it balanced, you must try to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.

4. Follow up.
Do you see any signs of improvement on the other side? Or you see it getting worse? Decide if a subsequent follow-up conversation is required. Decide if it will have any effect on your image?

Choose if you need to keep on going up against the troublesome individual without anyone’s help. Decide if you still want to confront the annoying individual all alone by yourself. Try to know if other colleagues are in your support or not.

If you find that you still want to make peace, hold another discussion. If not, move on to the next idea of involving your manager.

5. Talk with your manager/boss.
It may sound like a radical move to take, but often a message from those further up the chain is what they need to reform their ways. Note that, to have a difficult conversation with your boss, you need to prepare accordingly. You should be careful with your approach, and predetermine what works with your boss.

Be sure that you are calm when communicating to explain what is troubling you, how it impacts your job, and how you wish it to be addressed. Take notes with you, if required.

It can be a good practice to record your colleague’s disrespectful behavior, which you can provide as proof when you speak to your manager. You can talk to the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person-carefully. It is because group approaches often persuade the manager that the behavior’s effect is broader and deeper.

6. Don’t take it personally.
At the point when somebody is continuously discourteous and rude to us, we can start to think about it literally and feel like we have accomplished something incorrectly. It might be there is something in particular about you that the individual doesn’t care for.

Such employee behaviors may be originating from that individual’s thoughts and beliefs; however, that doesn’t mean you have done something wrong. Keeping this in mind will help you to confront the person, confidently.

If all these approaches fail, you can try to limit your access to a difficult person. Also, if possible, you can request to get transferred to a different department within the organization. If you do that, you may never have to deal with the rough coworker again. And then there is the most drastic move that we usually reserve for extreme times- quitting the job.

7. Find a new job.
Sometimes, irrespective of how hard we seek to fix a problem, a person can never alter his or her way. But their behavior should not come in the way of your happiness and success. You have to know whether the positive qualities in your present circumstance outweigh your troubles or vice versa.

It will be best to move on and start looking for other opportunities if it doesn’t seem to be changing. Even though leaving your recognizable work environment may be upsetting, when you sink into another condition away from that negative conduct, you’re sure to feel much better.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict

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My brother and I love to debate. Give us a topic, tell me which side to represent, and I’m game. The two of us love to push buttons for one another, but at the end of the day, we engage in a healthy debate. We don’t take it personally, and at the end of the discussion, it is common for one to say to the other, “That was a really good point. I hadn’t thought of that.” We use our debates to share our opinions and learn from one another.

Unfortunately, not everyone debates that way at all. Debate is not always conflict, conflict is not always healthy, and conflict is not created equally.

Workplace conflict happens daily and can strengthen or weaken a team depending on how it is managed. While some conflicts can be healthy and lead to innovation and growth, unresolved conflicts can hurt employee morale and productivity. Conflict around ideas, for example, can fuel innovation and create stronger teams. In contrast, interpersonal conflict often divides and undermines productivity.

To distinguish healthy conflict from unhealthy conflict, let’s start with working definitions:

Unhealthy Conflict: This is interpersonal conflict, usually based on personal grievances, miscommunications, or perceived slights. It is unproductive and divides people, leading to stress and resentment. Unhealthy conflict tends to be based on emotional responses rather than facts and focuses on people rather than ideas. People don’t listen to other points of view and attack others for not thinking the way they think.

Healthy Conflict: This occurs around ideas and encourages open discussion of different viewpoints. Healthy conflict strengthens teams by allowing members to voice their opinions openly without fear of judgment. This type of conflict is constructive, driving creativity and leading to more refined and well-thought-out solutions. It doesn’t attack but instead values different points of view.

Unhealthy conflict comes from several sources: unresolved past issues, misunderstandings, control issues, clashing personalities, or even jealousy. This type of conflict is destructive because it revolves around personal issues rather than professional ideas, and the outcomes are almost always negative. Here’s how unhealthy conflict typically appears in the workplace:

Personal Attacks and Gossip: When disagreements become personal, they often lead to attacks on character rather than constructive discussions. Gossip can also spread, damaging reputations and destroying trust.

Blame Game: Unhealthy conflict often involves assigning blame to individuals rather than discussing how to solve a problem. It leads to defensiveness, and team members may be unwilling to admit mistakes. It doesn’t matter what happened; what matters is who did or said what.

Avoidance or Aggression: If you ever had to avoid someone you work with because you don’t get along, you are experiencing unhealthy conflict. If you can’t avoid one another, the conversation is often passive-aggressive, which is obvious to everyone listening. This often creates a “team” approach to conflict. Are you on Team Rhonda or Team Troy? It makes it uncomfortable and unproductive for everyone when it feels like we are still in high school.

Loss of Focus on Organizational Goals: I belong to an association where we have had an unhealthy conflict that affected the entire association. One person wanted option “A,” and another wanted option “B.” It quickly became personal between the two people, and it felt like the association’s goals weren’t important, but instead, winning was more important for one of the participants. It divided the membership, which impacted everyone.

We know that unhealthy conflict creates a toxic environment. It destroys morale, reduces collaboration, and often results in increased turnover and unengaged team members. If you’ve experienced unhealthy conflict, you may feel alone and isolated, unappreciated, or unsupported, which impacts your overall performance.

On the flip side, healthy conflict can act as a catalyst for positive change. Healthy conflict is not about winning or losing; it’s about finding the best solution for the organization. When encouraged and managed effectively, healthy conflict fosters a culture of trust and open communication. Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:

Focus on Ideas, Not Individuals: Healthy conflict revolves around problem-solving and innovation. By focusing on ideas rather than people, everyone feels safe sharing different opinions, which builds respect and inclusivity. My brother Troy and I not only love to debate, but we also like to learn from one another. I know that his perspective on things has changed my approach to some things.

Increased Creativity and Innovation: Since we feel comfortable disagreeing with one another (in fairness, we look forward to it), we bring diverse perspectives to the table, which creates innovative solutions.

When Warren and I bought and renovated our home in 2020, Troy challenged one of our ideas for the family room. In the end, we took his approach and were thrilled with the final result. His perspective was valuable, and we benefited from his creativity.

Better Decision-Making: By considering multiple viewpoints, teams are more likely to make well-rounded decisions. “Group think” is when we all think the same way and lack creativity, ideas, and perspectives. Groups need to have healthy debate so we can see the issue from different angles and make more informed choices.
Strengthened Team Dynamics: Healthy conflict promotes open communication and trust, which can deepen relationships among team members. It reinforces that all opinions are valued and respected.
Clearer Goals and Roles: When people discuss issues openly, they clarify expectations and responsibilities. Healthy conflict forces teams to articulate their objectives and ensures everyone is on the same page, making it easier to achieve organizational goals.
Healthy conflict is a hallmark of high-performing teams and healthy work cultures. Last week, my article was about not fitting into your workplace culture. However, having unhealthy conflict in your workplace creates an unhealthy culture where you may feel you don’t belong.

I recently worked with an association where I had an opinion that was not valued. I expressed my opinion, and I felt I was open and professional. I was told, in fairly clear terms, “This is how we do it. If you don’t like it, we have many speakers to take your place.”

I realized this is not a culture I want to be part of. It wasn’t a healthy discussion. It didn’t need to be conflict, but it was clearly shown I wasn’t allowed to express my concern. I won’t be speaking there again either.

Healthy conflict encourages others to feel comfortable to voice their concerns and perspectives, which creates a stronger, more adaptable, and healthy organization.

Want to know how to create healthy conflict at work and with your colleagues?

Establish Ground Rules for Communication: Make sure everyone understands the difference between attacking ideas and attacking people. Ground rules for respectful communication can make a big difference.

Model Constructive Disagreement: Be the leader and set the tone for how conflict is handled. By demonstrating how to disagree respectfully and focus on ideas, you can show others that speaking up is safe.

Encourage Active Listening: Encourage everyone to listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and refrain from interrupting. This promotes understanding and reduces the chance of personal attacks.

Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: When conflict arises, redirect discussions towards finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Share this article. #BlameRhonda. By sharing the info openly and potentially putting it on the agenda for your next team meeting, you can get everyone on board with creating a healthy place to work

Even when you do everything right, sometimes things still go wrong. If we become attached to our ideas, our emotions can take over. If we react vs act, we can say or do something that will be received as a personal attack. Even healthy conflict can go sideways occasionally, so be sure you remember exactly how to have healthy conflict. And always remember, you both need to feel the same way. Just because you are keeping it as a healthy disagreement doesn’t mean the other person is.

Conflict is neither good nor bad; it is how it is managed that determines its impact. We need to create a culture where everyone feels valued and valuable. Everyone needs to feel comfortable to express their thoughts without fear of retribution. Conflict can be healthy and can build a culture of respect, trust, and innovation. In the long run, workplaces that handle conflict productively are better equipped to face challenges, adapt to change, and achieve lasting success.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Repairing Trust With Your Boss

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I once shared a “do not share with anyone” bit of knowledge with a colleague I trusted. I trusted that Gail wouldn’t share it with anyone, but just like the old shampoo commercial, “They tell two friends who each tell two friends,” my trust was broken when she continued to share the information.

That wasn’t what bothered me, though. Sharing confidential information was entirely my fault, and I should have known better than to share it. What bothered me was that my boss wasn’t going to trust me, and I knew it.

Trust is the foundation of any professional relationship. When it’s compromised, the dynamic between you both can become strained, reducing productivity and job satisfaction. In our roles, trust is critical, as we often handle sensitive information, manage private schedules, and keep operations running smoothly behind the scenes. If a mistake or breach of trust occurs, it can disrupt not only the immediate relationship with the boss but the entire functioning of the team or office.

I knew I messed up. I knew that I not only had to admit it, but I had to repair our relationship.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Breach

The first step toward mending any broken trust is acknowledging that it happened. While I would have preferred to ignore that I had shared a confidence and hoped he never found out, I knew that was the wrong approach.

I sat down with him and admitted I had made a mistake. I used a sincere apology once I knew the breach occurred. I didn’t wait to find out if he knew I did this or not, I pre-emptively acknowledged what I did. I knew that I had to show him that honesty was essential, and I wasn’t going to shirk away from owning my mistake.

Do:

Acknowledge the mistake directly and honestly.
Apologize sincerely and specifically, without excuses.

Don’t:

Downplay the mistake or shift blame to others.
Avoid the issue by staying silent or hoping it goes unnoticed.

Step 2: Understand the Impact

Understanding how the mistake affected your boss, the team, or the team is important. Showing empathy and recognizing the consequences of your actions can go a long way in demonstrating your commitment to making things right. It shows you respect the others.

I explained that I knew that my breach would affect his trust in me. I knew that my reputation would be potentially affected, and although I wanted to downplay what I did, I acted like an adult, said what I needed to say, and stopped talking!

Do:

– Ask how the mistake impacted your boss or the team if it’s unclear.
– Show empathy and a willingness to understand the broader implications of the error.

Don’t:

– Act as though the mistake is minor or only affected you.
– Try to explain away the mistake before fully understanding its impact.

Step 3: Take Responsibility and Outline a Plan

During our conversation, I shared that although I never thought I would break a confidence, I did unintentionally. I realized once I shared the info that it was confidential. I promised never to do it again. Gail and I were work friends, but I learned that I shouldn’t have shared something with her. I told him that I made a mistake but learned from it.

Do:

– Take full responsibility for the mistake without excuses
– Offer concrete steps for how you plan to avoid making the same error again.

Don’t:

– Make vague promises like “I’ll do better next time.”
– Shift responsibility to others or use excuses like “it wasn’t my fault” or “no one told me.”

Step 4: Rebuild Trust Through Consistent Action

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Consistent and reliable behavior will show they can trust you again. Expect this to take time, and don’t give up.

Do:

– Stick to your plan.
– Understand and acknowledge that transparent communication is vital to repairing the mistake

Don’t:

– Expect immediate forgiveness or trust. Be patient.
– Return to old habits or assume that the issue is resolved because some time has passed.

Step 5: Ask for Feedback and Remain Open to Criticism

As you work to rebuild trust, remaining open to feedback is essential. I was grateful that he didn’t bring it up in a passive-aggressive manner such as, “Well, you have proven you can’t keep secrets,” or “I can’t tell you some things as I can’t trust you.” We did rebuild our trust, and I learned an important lesson. As much as it hurt me to hear it, I listened to him tell me he was disappointed in my actions.

Do:

– Ask for feedback at appropriate intervals if your plan is process-oriented
– Accept criticism graciously, even if it’s hard to hear.

Don’t:

Become defensive or impatient when feedback is given.
Avoid asking for feedback, assuming everything is fine.

Once trust has been broken, fixing it is challenging but achievable. We need accountability, empathy, consistent action, and willingness to learn from our mistakes. Actions speak louder than words, so prove to your boss that you have learned from your mistakes.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

5 Strategies For Dealing With Chronic Negativity In The Workplace

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Written by: Beverly Beuermann-King – Work Smart Live Smart

Whine Synonyms: complain, bellyache, fuss, gripe, grumble, moan, snivel….

In any workplace, a colleague who complains all the time or only focuses on the negative can suck the energy out of the room and dampen team spirit. Chronic negativity from those who whine or always dwell on the problems can create a toxic work environment. For team leaders and HR people, dealing with negativity effectively can turn the team around and get the positivity back.

Here are 5 ways to do that:

1. Problem-Solving Over Complaining
Venting can be healthy if it’s followed by action. Chronic negativity often comes from people feeling powerless or frustrated and they may not even realize they’re stuck in a complaining cycle. When a colleague complains, shift the conversation by asking, “What can we do to fix this?” Get them to come up with a solution, no matter how small and follow up on their ideas. This shifts the complaining to problem-solving and gives them a sense of control and the whole team a sense of what to focus on to improve.

2. Create a Culture of Gratitude
Negativity comes from focusing on what’s missing or what’s going wrong. Creating a culture of gratitude can counteract that. Consider having regular gratitude moments in team meetings where everyone shares a positive observation, personal achievement or team success. This isn’t about ignoring the problems but about balancing the perspective. Research shows gratitude boosts morale and individual mental well-being and leads to a more resilient and less negative team.

3. Give Feedback on Communication Style
Chronic negativity is often a habit and the person may not even realize how their words impact others. If you have a good relationship with the person, bring their attention to how they express their concerns. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem really upset about this. Let’s brainstorm some ways to fix it?” This feedback when given with compassion helps them feel seen and heard and encourages a more positive way of communicating.
For those who may resist, remind them positivity in communication isn’t about ignoring the real problems but about making space for constructive conversation.

4. Limit Exposure to Chronic Negativity
While we should support our team members, prolonged exposure to negativity can drain even the most robust professionals. If a colleague is constantly bringing down the mood, consider structuring your interactions to minimize their impact. For example, have one-on-one check-ins with them to share their concerns and explore solutions so their negativity doesn’t spread to others. Encourage team members to manage their own energy by taking breaks or doing stress-reducing activities if they find themselves getting affected by negative conversations frequently.

5. Share Positive News and Inspirational Stories
As bad news and complaints spread quickly, so can positivity if we make an effort to share it. Make a habit of sharing uplifting or inspiring stories during meetings or via team communications. Consider creating a “Good News” newsletter where team members can post positive updates, achievements or good news from around the world. Research shows exposure to positive stories and news boosts morale and resilience and helps teams stay balanced even in tough times.

________________________________________

Chronic negativity can be tough to navigate in a healthy and engaging workplace. But by focusing on solutions, encouraging gratitude, giving feedback, managing exposure and sharing positivity, leaders can turn it around. When we help team members adopt a balanced approach to challenges we not only build a stronger more positive culture but we also empower individuals to flourish even when things get tough.

Repairing Trust With Your Boss

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I once shared a “do not share with anyone” bit of knowledge with a colleague I trusted. I trusted that Gail wouldn’t share it with anyone, but just like the old shampoo commercial, “They tell two friends who each tell two friends,” my trust was broken when she continued to share the information.

That wasn’t what bothered me, though. Sharing confidential information was entirely my fault, and I should have known better than to share it. What bothered me was that my boss wasn’t going to trust me, and I knew it.

Trust is the foundation of any professional relationship. When it’s compromised, the dynamic between you both can become strained, reducing productivity and job satisfaction. In our roles, trust is critical, as we often handle sensitive information, manage private schedules, and keep operations running smoothly behind the scenes. If a mistake or breach of trust occurs, it can disrupt not only the immediate relationship with the boss but the entire functioning of the team or office.

I knew I messed up. I knew that I not only had to admit it, but I had to repair our relationship.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Breach

The first step toward mending any broken trust is acknowledging that it happened. While I would have preferred to ignore that I had shared a confidence and hoped he never found out, I knew that was the wrong approach.

I sat down with him and admitted I had made a mistake. I used a sincere apology once I knew the breach occurred. I didn’t wait to find out if he knew I did this or not, I pre-emptively acknowledged what I did. I knew that I had to show him that honesty was essential, and I wasn’t going to shirk away from owning my mistake.

Do:

Acknowledge the mistake directly and honestly.
Apologize sincerely and specifically, without excuses.

Don’t:

Downplay the mistake or shift blame to others.
Avoid the issue by staying silent or hoping it goes unnoticed.

Step 2: Understand the Impact

Understanding how the mistake affected your boss, the team, or the team is important. Showing empathy and recognizing the consequences of your actions can go a long way in demonstrating your commitment to making things right. It shows you respect the others.

I explained that I knew that my breach would affect his trust in me. I knew that my reputation would be potentially affected, and although I wanted to downplay what I did, I acted like an adult, said what I needed to say, and stopped talking!

Do:

– Ask how the mistake impacted your boss or the team if it’s unclear.
– Show empathy and a willingness to understand the broader implications of the error.

Don’t:

– Act as though the mistake is minor or only affected you.
– Try to explain away the mistake before fully understanding its impact.

Step 3: Take Responsibility and Outline a Plan

During our conversation, I shared that although I never thought I would break a confidence, I did unintentionally. I realized once I shared the info that it was confidential. I promised never to do it again. Gail and I were work friends, but I learned that I shouldn’t have shared something with her. I told him that I made a mistake but learned from it.

Do:

– Take full responsibility for the mistake without excuses
– Offer concrete steps for how you plan to avoid making the same error again.

Don’t:

– Make vague promises like “I’ll do better next time.”
– Shift responsibility to others or use excuses like “it wasn’t my fault” or “no one told me.”

Step 4: Rebuild Trust Through Consistent Action

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Consistent and reliable behavior will show they can trust you again. Expect this to take time, and don’t give up.

Do:

– Stick to your plan.
– Understand and acknowledge that transparent communication is vital to repairing the mistake

Don’t:

– Expect immediate forgiveness or trust. Be patient.
– Return to old habits or assume that the issue is resolved because some time has passed.

Step 5: Ask for Feedback and Remain Open to Criticism

As you work to rebuild trust, remaining open to feedback is essential. I was grateful that he didn’t bring it up in a passive-aggressive manner such as, “Well, you have proven you can’t keep secrets,” or “I can’t tell you some things as I can’t trust you.” We did rebuild our trust, and I learned an important lesson. As much as it hurt me to hear it, I listened to him tell me he was disappointed in my actions.

Do:

– Ask for feedback at appropriate intervals if your plan is process-oriented
– Accept criticism graciously, even if it’s hard to hear.

Don’t:

Become defensive or impatient when feedback is given.
Avoid asking for feedback, assuming everything is fine.

Once trust has been broken, fixing it is challenging but achievable. We need accountability, empathy, consistent action, and willingness to learn from our mistakes. Actions speak louder than words, so prove to your boss that you have learned from your mistakes.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Dealing with Difficult People

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How to Deal with Difficult People
Paths to Opportunities Apr 19 2022 by Alexa Panza
Every day you interact with many different people, from family and friends to professors and employers. At some point, you will encounter a difficult person. Such people can make you feel frustrated, angry, and unhappy. But dealing with difficult people doesn’t have to be so difficult. Here are a few tips to make those unpleasant interactions a little easier.

Stay Calm
There are times when a difficult person makes you see red and you don’t know how to deal with it. The easy thing to do is to respond by flying off the handle. More often than not, though, this type of reaction will have negative ramifications. It not only will make you look bad, but it also could make the person you’re having issues with not want to try and work with you. Once that happens, it will be even more challenging to foster a positive relationship.

Instead, do your best to stay calm. Take slow, deep breaths and think about something other than the issue at hand. By remaining calm, you will help to deescalate a potentially charged situation, and create an opportunity to improve your communication with this person.

Don’t Make Assumptions
You may think you know exactly where the other person is coming from, or why they are responding the way they are. In reality, there is a very good chance that you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know if other factors may be affecting their interactions with you. Instead of making assumptions, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you were having a bad day, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you?

Set Boundaries
Once you’ve had a chance to step away from the situation and think clearly about things, determine what boundaries you can set to both protect yourself and to create more positive interactions in the future. Perhaps you don’t meet with the other person one on one, but rather only as part of a larger team. You may need to tell this person not to speak to you in a certain way. The boundaries may be personal parameters that only you are aware of, or they may be clear guidelines that you set with the other person. Either way, setting boundaries will help you feel more in control of the situation and may yield more successful interactions.

Be Honest with Yourself
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, it’s easy to put blame solely on the other person. But don’t be so quick to deem yourself completely innocent in the matter. In most situations, there are things that both individuals could do differently to promote a more positive outcome. Take time to reflect on your own actions. Ask yourself what you’re doing that could be setting the other person off. Or you may find that you haven’t actively tried to change the situation. You can’t control what the other person does, but you can control what you do.

Get Help
You may find that dealing with this person is really taking a toll on you, or that nothing you try is working. You don’t exist in a vacuum. Lean on friends and family for support. Talk to mentors or colleagues (when appropriate) to see if there might be something else you can do to help rectify the situation. Sometimes, it is too hard to see where you can go when you’re in the middle of things, and an outside perspective might be just what you need.

You will encounter difficult people wherever you go in life. What’s important is that you don’t let these issues consume you or define you. Take the time to understand where others may be coming from, think about what you can do differently. Perhaps you’ll discover that the difficult person isn’t so difficult after all.

On Topic
Felicia L. Alvarez is an enrolled tribal member of the Eastern Shoshone Nation, Fort Washakie, Wyoming, Wind River Reservation. She has worked at the Denver Art Museum for 25 years. For the past five years she has severed as a facilities supervisor. She is working toward becoming a Facilities Manager through the International Facility Management Association. Prior to the Denver Art Museum, Alvarez worked in many of the high rise facilities in the downtown Denver area.

What are some signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person — and that you’re going to have to go beyond your usual tactics to work with them?
As a facilities supervisor for the Denver Art Museum, I work with many different people, including those from the museum departments, contractors, visitors, employees, co-workers, and the greater community. Each individual reacts differently to a given scenario. As a supervisor, I will not blanket individuals and situations the same. Instead, I have to consider how I approach the specific person involved. Although my intentions are good and I just need an employee to do something, I know a situation can turn ugly quickly depending on the other person’s current state of mind.

Often, there are signs that you’re dealing with a difficult person. For example, they may act defensive or insubordinate, or they could have a bad attitude the moment you approach them. Perhaps their body language indicates resistance or reveals that they consider you as an aggressor. In these cases, a small task turns into rebellion.

When I notice such responses from the person I’m dealing with, I have learned that it’s best to back off and reconvene later in the day when their mood improves and frustration lessens. As a woman supervising men, I have had to work through these situations many times. Not only am I a woman in a man’s world, but I am also a Native woman. I say this because there are some people who feel you are beneath them, and their attitude reflects their mindset. All I can do is be understanding, let them know we have a job to do regardless of their issue with me. I must stand strong and be confident in what I’m asking them to do.

Being a supervisor is tough. You’re managing the work that needs to be done, but also coordinating and scheduling individuals to accomplish specific tasks. You will always run up against someone who will challenge your position, your integrity, and you as a leader. How you handle yourself is important. You must know when not to engage — if you’re are getting upset, it’s best to walk away and reconvene.

Remember, it’s not about who wins but rather it’s about getting the work done. At some point you and the difficult person you’re dealing with need to come to an agreement and work together. While this can take some time to work through, it can be done.

Dealing with Difficult People

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Dealing with difficult people is a challenge, but you can overcome it by following a few simple steps. I know this because I’m that person who is sometimes difficult to deal with and I can fix difficult situations too.

I don’t intend to be difficult; that is never the goal. Neither does your difficult person intend to be difficult (although I appreciate that it feels that way). It is just that the two of you have different wants and needs, and they are not aligned.

By looking at the situation differently, you can often deal with your difficult person without being difficult yourself.

Define the problem.
Before developing a solution, you must define what you’re trying to solve. Do you have different viewpoints on how to do things? Does it feel that they say the opposite every time you say one thing? Or do you feel like it’s never good enough, no matter what you do at work? We could all face many daily issues that make us feel frustrated and annoyed, but to fix the situation, we need to define it clearly.

Look at the situation from their viewpoint

It’s essential to see the other point of view even if you disagree with it.

Traffic is a great example. You are in the left (passing) lane and are driving over the speed limit, but the car behind you is driving very close to your bumper and flashing their lights. They clearly want you to move over so they can get by. You’ve decided they are being difficult as they want to drive too fast and want you to move, and you don’t want to move over.

Look at it from their perspective. They see you as the difficult person. They want to drive faster, and you are slowing them down.

You may not agree that you are being difficult, but you must be prepared to see it from their perspective. Can you see (not necessarily agree) that they perceive you as the difficult person in this situation? When you see it, the solution is often obvious (move over) instead of prolonging the situation to prove that you are correct (whether you are or not).

Different doesn’t mean wrong!
People have different beliefs, and being different doesn’t mean they are wrong or even that they are being difficult.

In the opening paragraph, I identified myself as sometimes being a difficult person. I’m not a jerk, and I’m not a challenge to work with. I potentially do things differently than you do, and you may define me as difficult because we aren’t the same or don’t always agree on some things.

Our neighbors have defined Warren and me as difficult. The Rideau River (where we live) is extremely weedy. It is shallow and warm, and weeds love those conditions. We don’t love the weeds at all, so we will jump in the river with our rake and rake the riverbed to dislodge the weeds. Our neighbors don’t like that we loosen them as they float down the river (they live down the river from us).

Asking us not to remove our weeds isn’t reasonable from our perspective (hard to have a swimming spot for the kids when it is filled with weeds). I understand they don’t like the weeds floating on their beach, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong to remove mine. Nor does it mean that I’m difficult because I won’t stop removing my weeds just because they don’t like the results.

Find a win/win

You have the right to your beliefs and opinions. The other person does, too, and there will be times when you can negotiate and find a win/win for you both. There will be times when that doesn’t happen, either because there is no middle ground or because one person isn’t willing to negotiate.

My brother and I grew up constantly arguing about what television show we would watch together. We had entirely different tastes. We negotiated a situation where it seemed fair to us both. He would pick the first program, and I picked the second. We took turns.

That did mean that every second show was something I didn’t want to watch, but our negotiation worked for us both, therefore win/win.

Be flexible.

If I dug my heels in and said my brother was bullying me to watch something I didn’t want to when it was his choice, I am being difficult. I am unwilling to compromise and want only a solution that appeals to me. We need to be careful that we aren’t being difficult that way.

There will be times when there is no win/win (our neighbors are a great example), but you always want to be flexible (to avoid being the difficult person).

The most important thing to remember when dealing with difficult people is that difficult people situations are always two-way. They feel difficult to you, and you feel difficult to them. Avoid being the difficult person by following a few simple steps.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

10 Tactics for Working with Difficult People

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It is inevitable that you will have to deal with difficult people at some point in your career. Sometimes it might be a supervisor while other times it may be your fellow associates. You may also encounter difficult customers that you have to interact with on a regular basis. There’s no simple reason why some people are difficult. The reality is that everyone is different and some personalities can be more challenging than others. Some people tend to take credit for others’ work while others blame everyone else for their mistakes. You may also have the coworker who steals everyone else’s ideas or the person who is combative whenever they are addressed. In every organization, there will undoubtedly be gossipers, bullies, demanding bosses, and terrible team players. Rather than endure these issues silently, try implementing the following strategies to help you better handle difficult people at work.

1. Don’t React
Sometimes difficult people act out because they want to rile you up and get a reaction out of you. If you react, there’s a good chance they will repeat the behavior. Instead, remain calm and try to ignore the person’s behavior. Move on with what you are doing and let them know that you are not concerned about their behavior. Someone who can remain calm is seen as being in control and the difficult person is more likely to respect you.

2. Develop a Rapport
It may sound counterintuitive to develop a relationship with a difficult person but this approach can actually be very effective. When you take the time to get to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their interests, and their style of work, you will have a better understanding of figuring out what makes them tick. Showing genuine interest and concern for a coworker can also motivate them to treat you with respect in return.

3. Practice Empathy
It’s easy to lash out and get angry when someone treats you unfairly, but try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You never know what is going on in someone else’s personal life. Perhaps the person is under enormous stress caring for a sick family member or maybe the person is going through a divorce. The fact is, we all go through challenging times in our lives when our attitudes and behaviors might be affected by our current situation. Instead of judging your coworker, try listening to them and practicing empathy.

4. Stand Up for Yourself
No matter the situation you should never be expected to accept poor, inexcusable behavior. Everyone is entitled to respect and you have a right to express your feelings if you feel you have been disrespected in the workplace. Calmly and assertively talk to the person and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are happy to talk with them and work alongside them but you expect to be treated with respect at work.

5. Focus on What You Can Control
There are many things in life that we can control and many that we can’t. It’s always best to focus on the things you can control. This includes dealing with difficult people. For instance, if you have a coworker that is not responsive to your calls or emails, simply move on to find another coworker who is willing to assist you with your project. Work around the difficult person and control the things you can.

6. Practice Self-Examination
The ability to practice self-awareness is a top leadership skill in any career. Take a minute to examine your own strengths and weaknesses as well as your demeanor towards others. Are you aware of your emotions and how they affect you? Are you aware of how your behaviors are perceived by those around you? Ask yourself if there is something you could be doing that might be contributing to the problem. You also need to examine the way in which you are handling the issue so you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the fire.

7. Treat the Person with Kindness and Respect
You may have heard the expression “kill them with kindness” and this can definitely be an effective tactic for dealing with difficult people. There is not a single person who appreciates being berated or treated like they are incompetent, and this includes difficult people. If you treat the person disrespectfully in return, they will almost certainly make things worse. You will be far more successful following the old mantra to “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

8. Don’t Take Things Personally
When someone is difficult we often find ourselves taking their behavior as a personal attack. If someone is repeatedly rude to us we begin to feel like they just don’t like us. The fact is, however, that the person’s rude behavior might be originating from something else. If you don’t take it personally, you can step back and really consider the best course of action.

9. Establish Boundaries
Dealing with a difficult person means you sometimes have to confront the person and establish firm boundaries. While you should do so with respect, it is certainly acceptable to advocate for yourself. You sometimes have to let the person know how you expect to be treated and let them know that you will not tolerate anything less. If they are unable to respect you, action may have to be taken.

10. Talk with Your Boss
If you have tried these other approaches and all else fails, you can always talk to your manager or boss about the situation. Be prepared to communicate clearly to your boss what is bothering you and why you find the behavior unacceptable. In some cases, you might even provide a record of the person’s disrespectful behavior. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and your ability to do your job.

Written by: https://managementtraininginstitute.com/contact-us/

The Top 5 Mistakes People Make During Confrontations and How to Avoid Them

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Unfortunately, Warren and I are having issues with our neighbors in our dream home on the river. We moved here four years ago and were quickly aware they were challenging and loved to complain about everyone. I was determined to win her over, and we wouldn’t have any issues.

I’m not winning the battle, and things appear to worsen each week. We are frustrated and want to lash out, which we both know is not right. We think our neighbor wants us to lash out so she has legitimate complaints because we’ve given her nothing to complain about so far. She is confrontational, and we want to make sure we don’t make any mistakes the next time she comes stomping over.

We know that confrontations are a natural part of life, both personally and professionally. They happen when misunderstandings, disagreements, or unmet expectations need to be addressed. We know how we handle our confrontations significantly impacts our relationships and outcomes. In the same way, we don’t want to make any mistakes with our neighbor unintentionally; you don’t want to do the same at work either. By being aware of the common mistakes, we can ensure we don’t fall into their traps!

Here are the top 5 mistakes people make during confrontations and how to avoid them.

1. Reacting Emotionally

One of the most frequent mistakes in confrontations is reacting emotionally. When anger, frustration, or hurt take over, they can cloud judgment and lead to impulsive responses, which causes us to say or do things we regret. Raised voices, aggressive body language, or hurtful words are common examples. When people react based on feelings rather than logic, the confrontation can quickly turn personal and destructive.

How to avoid it: Practice emotional regulation by taking a moment to breathe and calm down before responding. Focus on staying composed and grounded.

That means we both will count to five or ten before responding to whatever our neighbor is saying. We want to ensure that our response is the proper response and not an emotional reaction. We’ve decided that if we can’t respond in the moment, we will say, “I need a moment to calm myself down. I’ll finish this conversation later.” You can decide what later is. For us, it means we will end the conversation, not say anything we might regret, and choose to stay in control by postponing the discussion. We feel our neighbor is trying to bait us into giving her an emotional reaction, and we are choosing not to let her be successful.

If you feel emotions are overwhelming, it’s okay to request a short break and revisit the issue later.

2. Not Listening

In the heat of a confrontation, people often focus on what they want to say instead of genuinely listening to the other person. When you fail to listen, you risk misunderstanding the issue, which can lead to further conflict. Dr Steven Covey said in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” It means that we need to listen to what the other person is saying before we try to get them to listen to what we are saying. Knowing where they stand on the issue makes it much easier for us to be persuasive.

How to avoid it: Make a conscious effort to listen actively. Nod, make eye contact, and don’t interrupt. Paraphrase what the other person is saying to ensure you understand their point before responding. Don’t worry about forgetting what you will say; instead, focus on what they are saying.

3. Avoiding the Issue

Sometimes, people are so uncomfortable with confrontation that they avoid addressing the core issue altogether. Instead, they tiptoe around the problem, hoping it will resolve itself or go away. This rarely leads to resolution and can make the conflict worse over time.

In fairness, this is exactly what we have been doing with our neighbors. We’ve been uber polite and friendly (even though we know we are misrepresenting how we feel), hoping she won’t be confrontational.

How to avoid it: Be direct and transparent about what’s bothering you. Address the issue head-on but do so respectfully and resolve, not escalate the problem.

The next time our neighbor comes over to passive-aggressively complain about something we are doing, we’ve decided not to pretend we don’t know what she is complaining about. We will ask her questions and listen to what she says. Together, we’ve decided that pretending all is well in our neighborhood is no longer the approach we will take. We will be direct and honest about our frustrations.

4. Blaming and Finger-Pointing

It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming the other person during a confrontation. It’s easy for Warren and I to decide to be direct and place all the blame on our neighbors as they confront us. Blame shifts responsibility and will cause them to be defensive (we certainly have become defensive when they accuse us of doing things). When someone feels blamed, their natural response is often to defend themselves, which can lead to further disagreement and tension.

How to avoid it: Focus on using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, say “I feel upset when…” rather than “You always…”. This approach makes it about you instead of them. Anytime a sentence starts with the word “you,” it is guaranteed to cause a defensive reaction, which we need to avoid.

5. Assuming Intentions

Jumping to conclusions about the other person’s motives and intentions can lead to misunderstandings. For example, assuming someone deliberately acted to hurt or embarrass you is rarely true. Everyone does what they do because they get something from it. When someone spreads gossip about you at work (or in the neighborhood), it really isn’t about you. It is about the person spreading the gossip as being seen as the well-connected colleague, or the source of information. They are trying to make themselves look important rather than putting you down (or showing others they are better than you).

We have assumed that our neighbors are trying to get us to move. What is likely true (I won’t assume) is that they want others to feel sorry for them because they have to live beside us. They want sympathy rather than intending us to move.

How to avoid it: Ask questions before making assumptions. Instead of saying, “You did this to hurt me,” ask, “Can you explain why you did this?” This approach opens up dialogue and may reveal a different perspective.

Conflict is 100 percent guaranteed at work (and home), but how we handle it can determine whether it results in resolution or further conflict. By avoiding these common mistakes, you can deal with the issues professionally, respectfully, and, hopefully, successfully.

We have our plan ready for our neighbors. We have discussed what we will say and how we will say it when the next conversation happens. We are determined not to make any of these mistakes. I hope you do the same.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.

Stress: Dealing With Difficult Employees

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Stress and Difficult Employees
Understanding why some employees become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way can prevent that build up of stress from happening.

So why are people difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some employees learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the employees who use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some employees feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These employees may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

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For some, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Beverly Beuermann-King

Understanding Difficult Employees
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-ofcontrol.

Before you know it, we ourselves start to complain, grow stubborn and get more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours. To do this, we must understand what employees expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

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Beverly’s Hot Tips
Ways to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes that we encounter in our workplaces.

1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

3. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Give as much information as you can.

4. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, to decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

5. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse. Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a “big production.”

6. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

7. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

To sum up, by understanding what employees expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving.

We need to help our employees feel more in control, more important and listened to. And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes in your workplace.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Navigating the Toxic Terrain: Strategies for Dealing with a Victimizer in the Workplace

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

The Victimizer In Action
Have you ever found yourself dreading your next team meeting full of conflict, or bracing for the inevitable moment when ‘that colleague’ seizes the opportunity to undermine your hard work? Navigating workplace dynamics can be difficult at the best of times, but even more so when you’re dealing with a Victimizer. These individuals thrive on catching you off guard or showing you up.

Scenario One:

It’s the quarterly review meeting at Association ABC. The executive team, including the Executive Director, Susan, is gathered in the boardroom. Everyone is prepared to discuss the financial performance and project updates, but there’s an underlying tension. Tom, a long standing board member, has a reputation for his strategic “gotcha” moments that often catch even the seasoned board members off guard.

As the meeting progresses, Susan presents an overview of the company’s financial health, proudly noting the successes and acknowledging the areas for improvement. Just as she’s wrapping up, Tom clears his throat and interjects, “Susan, I noticed a significant discrepancy in the accounting for Project Z. The numbers don’t add up, and it looks like a serious mistake was made. How could this oversight have happened under your watch?”

The room falls into an uneasy silence. Susan, taken aback, quickly scans her notes and the financial reports. She remembers that Tom had assured her all the project finances were in order just last week. Trying to maintain her composure, she asks, “Can you specify which figures you’re referring to, Tom?”

With a feigned look of concern, Tom continues, “It’s right here in the Q2 budget. There’s a $50,000 shortfall that wasn’t accounted for. This kind of error could have major implications. We need to ensure accountability at all levels, especially from our leadership.”

Susan, now realizing Tom is attempting to scapegoat her for an error he likely made, takes a deep breath. She calmly responds, “Tom, let’s review the detailed ledgers together after this meeting. I recall our discussion about Project Z’s budget last week where everything was confirmed accurate. Perhaps there’s been a miscommunication or an update that wasn’t properly logged.”

Tom’s expression hardens, but he nods, knowing he can’t immediately deflect the blame further without more scrutiny. The other board members exchange glances, sensing the underlying power play.

Scenario Two

It’s 9:00 AM on a typical Monday morning, and the team gathers in the conference room for their weekly status meeting.

As the team leader, Sarah, kicks off the discussion, she invites Jake to present his progress on a critical project. Jake, a dedicated and talented team member, begins outlining their work, highlighting the milestones achieved and the challenges faced.

Suddenly, Alex interrupts with a sharp, pointed question: “Jake, didn’t you promise we’d have the final report by last Friday? Why are we still behind schedule?”

The room falls silent. Jake’s face flushes as he fumbles to explain the unexpected complications that caused the delay. Alex’s tone is dripping with sarcasm as he continues, “It seems like we’re always hearing excuses.”

Jake’s confidence crumbles. His detailed explanation is overshadowed by Alex’s public attack, designed to embarrass him and cast doubt on his competence. The rest of the team shifts uncomfortably in their seats, each silently hoping they won’t be the next target of Alex’s “gotcha” tactics.

These scenarios demonstrates how a Victimizer like Alex or Tom can derail a productive meeting, undermine colleagues with unexpected attacks, and foster an environment of fear and uncertainty.

Key Characteristics of a Victimizer in the Workplace
The category of the “Victimizer” is not a universally recognized term in academic literature, it encapsulates characteristics seen in several well-studied workplace personality types. The concept seems to derive from a combination of traits found in other classifications like bullies, manipulative personalities, and toxic leaders.

A Victimizer in the workplace is a toxic individual who actively seeks to undermine, embarrass, and manipulate their colleagues. Their behaviours and tactics include:

Unpredictable Attacks (“Gotcha” Moments): They wait for the perfect moment to strike, often catching their colleagues off guard with unexpected criticisms or accusations.
Embarrassing Questions: They ask pointed questions designed to highlight others’ mistakes or inadequacies, making their colleagues feel exposed and humiliated.
Backstabbing: They engage in covert actions to undermine colleagues, such as spreading rumors or taking credit for others’ work.
Impossible Standards: They set unattainable goals and criticize others for not meeting them, creating a sense of failure and inadequacy.
Sarcasm: They use biting sarcasm to belittle and demean their colleagues, often under the guise of humor.
Aloofness: They remain distant and unapproachable, fostering an environment of fear and uncertainty.
Need to Win and Feel Important: They are driven by a desire to dominate and be seen as superior, often at the expense of others.
Pseudo-Expertise: They try to come across as the expert in everything, constantly showcasing their knowledge to undermine others. They question the expertise of their colleagues, creating doubt and attempting to position themselves as the most knowledgeable and competent.

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What Motivates a Victimizer to Behave This Way?
The Psychological and Situational Factors That Contribute to Their Behaviour
The motivations behind a Victimizer’s behaviour can be understood through a combination of psychological traits and situational factors:

Narcissism: Many Victimizers exhibit narcissistic traits, such as an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for constant admiration. They believe they are superior and entitled to special treatment, driving them to belittle others to maintain their self-image.
Machiavellianism: This trait involves a manipulative and deceitful approach to achieving one’s goals. Victimizers with Machiavellian tendencies are strategic in their actions, using cunning and deceit to undermine others and advance their own interests.
Psychopathy: Some Victimizers display psychopathic traits, such as a lack of empathy and impulsivity. They are often indifferent to the harm they cause and may even derive pleasure from the suffering of others.
Insecurity: Despite their outward confidence, many Victimizers are deeply insecure. Their need to attack and belittle others stems from a fear of being exposed as inadequate or unimportant.
Power Dynamics: Victimizers often thrive in environments with unclear, new, or different style leadership. They exploit gaps in authority to exert control and dominate their colleagues.
Past Experiences: Personal history and past experiences, such as previous workplace conflicts or personal traumas, can also shape a Victimizer’s behaviour. They may have developed toxic coping mechanisms to deal with their own unresolved issues.
Desire for Recognition: The pseudo-expert trait is driven by a need for recognition and validation. Victimizer s often feel threatened by others’ expertise and use their own perceived knowledge to assert dominance and undermine their colleagues, ensuring they are seen as indispensable.
Understanding these motivations can help in developing strategies to meet the needs, address the behaviours, and mitigate the impact of Victimizer in the workplace, fostering a healthier and more supportive environment for all employees.

How These Characteristics Impact the Work Environment
The presence of a Victimizer in the workplace can have severe negative effects on the overall culture:

Decreased Morale: Their constant criticism and undermining behaviour lower the morale of their colleagues, leading to a disengaged and demotivated workforce.
Increased Stress: Colleagues live in a state of heightened anxiety, always anticipating the next attack or humiliation.
Reduced Collaboration: Fear of being backstabbed or embarrassed leads to a breakdown in teamwork and communication.
Lower Productivity: The constant stress and lack of support result in decreased productivity and higher absenteeism.
High Turnover: The toxic environment created by a Victimizer can drive talented employees to leave, seeking healthier workplaces.
Constant Clashes: As team members become fed up with the Victimizer’s tactics, they may challenge the victimizer’s expertise, knowledge, and behaviour, leading to frequent conflicts and a divisive atmosphere.

Proactive Steps to Protect Yourself from a Victimizer in the Workplace
Dealing with a Victimizer in the workplace requires a strategic approach to minimize their impact and foster a more positive environment. Here are specific strategies

Establish Clear Boundaries
Define Limits: Clearly communicate what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. This helps manage the Victimizer’s attempts to control or dominate interactions.
Consistent Enforcement: Enforce boundaries consistently to ensure the Victimizer understands that certain behaviours will not be tolerated.
Stay Emotionally Detached
Maintain Professionalism: Keep emotions in check during interactions. Reacting emotionally can give the Victimizer more power and control over the situation.
Focus on Facts: Stick to factual information and avoid personal attacks, which can escalate conflicts.
Seek Support from Leadership
Involve Management: If the Victimizer’s behaviour persists, involve higher management or HR. Provide documented evidence of their behaviour to support your case.
Formal Complaints: Use formal channels to address the Victimizer’s behaviour, ensuring that the organization takes the necessary steps to resolve the issue.
Develop Resilience
Stress Management: Practice stress management techniques such as mindfulness, exercise, and adequate rest to maintain personal well-being.
Professional Development: Strengthen your skills and expertise to build confidence and reduce the impact of the Victimizer’s attempts to undermine you.
Encourage Positive Behaviour
Positive Reinforcement: Reinforce positive behaviours exhibited by the Victimizer, which can encourage more constructive interactions.
Collaborative Goals: Involve the Victimizer in collaborative projects where their success is tied to the team’s success, fostering a sense of shared responsibility.
Utilize Mediation and Conflict Resolution
Third-Party Mediation: Engage a neutral third party to mediate conflicts. This can help manage the Victimizer’s behaviour in a controlled and impartial setting.
Conflict Resolution Training: Provide training for the team on conflict resolution techniques to better handle interactions with the Victimizer.
Promote a Positive Work Culture
Team Building Activities: Organize team-building activities to strengthen relationships and reduce the Victimizer’s influence.
Open Communication Channels: Encourage open communication and feedback within the team to create a supportive environment where issues can be addressed promptly.
Communicate First – Before They Have a Chance to Question
Proactively Share Information: Keep the Victimizer and the rest of the team updated on your progress and any potential issues before they arise. This reduces the chances of being blindsided by their “gotcha” moments.
Set the Agenda: Take the initiative in meetings by setting the agenda or leading discussions. This positions you as a proactive communicator and reduces their opportunities to catch you off guard.
Bring Problems Out into the Open
Transparent Communication: Address issues openly and directly in team meetings. By bringing problems to light, you reduce the Victimizer’s ability to manipulate situations behind the scenes.
Encourage Group Discussions: Promote a culture of open dialogue where team members feel safe discussing challenges and seeking solutions collaboratively.
Be Prepared to Answer Questions
Anticipate Questions: Think ahead about potential questions or criticisms the Victimizer might raise and prepare thorough responses. This reduces their ability to embarrass you or undermine your expertise.
Document Your Work: Keep detailed records and documentation of your work and decisions. This not only helps you answer questions confidently but also provides evidence to counter any false claims.
Run Interference for Others
Support Colleagues: Stand up for your colleagues if they are being targeted. Offer support and reinforce their points in meetings. A united front can diminish the Victimizer’s power.
Create Alliances: Build strong relationships with your coworkers. A supportive network can help diffuse the Victimizer’s influence and provide mutual protection.
Recognize Their Contributions as Well as Those Around Them
Acknowledge Contributions: Publicly recognize the Victimizer’s contributions to the team. This can help manage their need for recognition and potentially reduce their need to undermine others.
Promote Team Achievements: Regularly highlight and celebrate the achievements of the entire team. This fosters a positive environment and reduces the focus on individual competition.
Get at Hidden Problems Through Surveys, Suggestion Boxes, Etc.
Anonymous Feedback: Implement anonymous surveys or suggestion boxes to uncover issues that may not be openly discussed. This can help identify and address problems caused by the Victimizer without direct confrontation.
Regular Check-ins: Conduct regular one-on-one check-ins with team members to gather feedback and address concerns. This proactive approach can help manage issues before they escalate.
Get Them to Want to Mentor – They Push for Excellence
Leverage Their Expertise: Encourage the Victimizer to take on a mentorship role. This can channel their need for recognition and control into a more constructive outlet, benefiting the team.

Creating a Workplace Environment That Discourages Victimizer Behaviour
Fostering a workplace environment that discourages victimizer behaviour requires a strategic approach centered around company culture and values. Here are several suggestions to achieve this:

Establish Clear Values and Code of Conduct:
Define Expectations: Clearly outline expected behaviours in the workplace, emphasizing respect, collaboration, and professionalism.
Communicate Consistently: Ensure that these values are communicated regularly through orientation sessions, employee handbooks, and internal communications.
Reward Positive Behaviour: Recognize and reward employees who demonstrate respectful and supportive behaviours towards their colleagues.
Establish Clear Reporting Procedures:
Accessible Channels: Ensure employees know how and where to report incidents of bullying, harassment, or victimizer behaviour.
Zero-Tolerance Policy: Implement and enforce a zero-tolerance policy for behaviours that undermine the company’s values, with clear consequences for violations.
Encourage Team Collaboration and Support:
Team Building Activities: Organize team-building exercises and collaborative projects to foster positive relationships among employees.
Peer Support Networks: Facilitate the creation of peer support networks where employees can seek advice and assistance from their colleagues.
Monitor and Address Warning Signs:
Proactive Observation: Train managers to recognize early signs of victimizer behaviour, such as isolation, micromanagement, or undermining others.
Intervene Early: Address concerning behaviours promptly through coaching, mediation, or disciplinary actions as necessary.

By prioritizing these strategies, organizations can cultivate a workplace environment where respect, collaboration, and mutual support are not only valued but actively practiced. This proactive approach helps to deter victimizer behaviour and fosters a more positive and productive workplace for all employees.

Building a Healthier Workplace Environment
Navigating the challenges posed by a Victimizer in the workplace is no easy feat. As illustrated in the scenarios of Susan and Jake, these individuals can disrupt meetings, undermine colleagues, and create a pervasive atmosphere of fear and uncertainty. Their tactics, from unexpected “gotcha” moments to relentless undermining, take a toll on morale, productivity, and overall well-being.

Dealing with a Victimizer is about not only protecting oneself but also cultivating an environment where toxic behaviours find no fertile ground to thrive. It requires a multifaceted approach that includes establishing clear boundaries, seeking support from leadership, and fostering a culture of respect and collaboration. Clear values and consistent enforcement, coupled with proactive monitoring and support systems, are crucial in maintaining a healthy work environment where everyone can thrive.

While the strategies to mitigating Victimizer behaviour may be challenging and frustrating, it is worth undertaking. By collectively committing to these strategies, organizations can create workplaces where respect, professionalism, and mutual support dominate—a place where individuals are valued not for their ability to tear down others, but for their capacity to uplift and inspire. It is about building workplaces where every voice is heard, every contribution is recognized, and every employee can thrive.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Gaslighting in the Workplace: Recognizing and Addressing Psychological Manipulation

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Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Gaslighting In Action
As leaders and HR professionals, it is your duty to create a positive and productive work environment. One significant but often overlooked threat to workplace harmony is gaslighting. This psychological manipulation tactic can erode trust, undermine confidence, and damage mental health. Understanding gaslighting and how to address it is crucial in fostering a healthy work culture.

Consider this scenario: Sarah, a project manager, consistently receives contradictory instructions from her supervisor, Mike. When she seeks clarification, Mike denies ever giving the previous instructions and criticizes her for not paying attention. Over time, Sarah begins to doubt her memory and competence. Mike’s repeated denials and criticisms erode her confidence, making her more dependent on him for guidance and less likely to question his authority.

Defining Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originates from the 1938 play “Gaslight,” in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is losing her mind to cover up his criminal activities. In a workplace context, gaslighting can lead to employees doubting their abilities and experiences, ultimately affecting their performance and well-being.

Reasons Behind Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often employed by individuals for various underlying reasons. Understanding why a person gaslights can help in addressing the behaviour and mitigating its impact. Here are some common motivations behind gaslighting:

Power and Control
Reason: Gaslighters seek to dominate and exert control over others. By causing their victims to doubt their own perceptions and judgment, they can manipulate situations to their advantage.
Avoidance of Responsibility
Reason: Gaslighters often use this tactic to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It can shift focus away from their own misdeeds and place the blame on the victim, protecting themselves from accountability.
Projection of Insecurities
Reason: Gaslighters may project their own insecurities, fears, or flaws onto others thus maintaining a façade of competence or superiority.
Manipulation for Personal Gain
Reason: Gaslighting can be a strategic move to achieve specific goals, such as career advancement, financial gain, or social standing. By undermining the confidence and credibility of others, gaslighters can create opportunities for themselves to advance or gain favor, often at the expense of their victims.
Emotional or Psychological Issues
Reason: Some gaslighters may have underlying psychological or emotional issues, such as narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathic tendencies. These individuals may lack empathy and use manipulation as a means to fulfill their emotional needs or to validate their self-worth.
Learned Behaviour
Reason: Gaslighting can be a learned behaviour from past experiences or relationships. Individuals who have witnessed or been subjected to manipulative behaviour may adopt similar tactics as a way to cope or exert influence in their own relationships.
Understanding these motivations can help leaders and HR professionals recognize the signs of gaslighting and take appropriate actions to address and mitigate its effects in the workplace.

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How Gaslighting Manifests in the Workplace
Gaslighting can manifest in various ways in the workplace, including:

Denying Events: Supervisors or colleagues may deny that specific conversations or events took place, despite evidence or witnesses.
Misleading Information: Providing false information or distorting the truth to make the victim doubt their memory or judgment.
Undermining Confidence: Constantly belittling or dismissing the victim’s ideas, contributions, or achievements.
Manipulative Behaviours: Withholding important information, giving contradictory instructions, or isolating the victim.
Projecting Blame: Accusing the victim of mistakes or failures that were not their fault.

Common Gaslighting Phrases
Gaslighters use specific phrases to sow doubt and confusion. Recognizing these phrases can help identify gaslighting behaviour:

“You’re too sensitive.” Minimizing the victim’s feelings to make them feel irrational or overly emotional.
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.” Deflecting responsibility and blaming the victim for their feelings.
“You should have known how I would react.” Shifting blame onto the victim for the abuser’s behaviour.
“You’re acting crazy — and other people think so, too.” Manipulating the victim into questioning their sanity and isolating them from others.
“How could you think that is what I meant – no one else thought that?” Denying the intent and isolating the victim by suggesting that others share the gaslighter’s view, making the victim feel alone and unsupported.
“That never happened.” Denying abusive actions or words to make the victim question their memory.
“You have a terrible memory.” Making the victim doubt their recollection of events.
“You’re imagining things.” This phrase is used to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and to suggest that their experiences or concerns are not real.
“It’s your fault that this happened.” Shifting blame onto the victim to avoid taking responsibility and to make them feel guilty or responsible for negative outcomes.
“You’re overreacting.” Minimizing the victim’s feelings and reactions, suggesting that they are irrational or exaggerated.
“I never said that.” Accusing the victim of lying or fabricating events to make them question their own honesty and reality.
“You’re just being paranoid.” Dismissing the victim’s legitimate concerns by labeling them as irrational fears.
“Why are you always so negative?” Shifting focus from the issue at hand to the victim’s supposed negativity, making them feel bad for expressing their feelings.
“No one else would put up with you.” Undermining the victim’s self-worth by suggesting that they are unlikable or difficult, increasing their dependence on the abuser.
“You’re just trying to confuse me.” Turning the tables by accusing the victim of the very tactic the gaslighter is using, creating further confusion and doubt.

Strategies to Deal with Gaslighting
Dealing with gaslighting in the workplace requires a proactive and strategic approach. Here are five specific strategies and phrases to use:

Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of conversations, emails, and interactions. Documentation can help establish a clear timeline and provide evidence of gaslighting behaviour.
Example Phrase: “Let me take notes on our discussion so I can ensure I have everything correct.”
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted colleagues, mentors, or HR professionals. Sharing your experiences can provide validation and help you gain perspective.
Example Phrase: “Can we discuss a situation I’m experiencing? I value your opinion and need some guidance.”
Assert Your Reality: Firmly state your perspective without being confrontational. Reaffirming your reality can counteract the gaslighter’s manipulation.
Example Phrase: “I remember the conversation differently. Let’s review the details together.”
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and the consequences of violating them. Consistently enforcing boundaries can reduce the gaslighter’s control.
Example Phrase: “I’m not comfortable with how this conversation is going. Let’s take a break and revisit it later.”
Self-Care and Professional Help: Prioritize your mental health and seek professional support if needed. Therapy can provide coping strategies and reinforce your sense of reality.
Example Phrase: “I need to take some time to reflect on this. I’ll get back to you after I’ve had a chance to process.”

Here are four strategies that leaders can implement when dealing with an employee who utilizes gaslighting:

Address the Behaviour Directly
Strategy: Confront the gaslighter privately and clearly describe the problematic behaviour, providing specific examples.
Implementation: Use a calm and assertive tone, and focus on the behaviour rather than making personal attacks. Outline the impact of their actions on the team and the workplace.
Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences
Strategy: Establish firm boundaries and communicate the consequences of continued gaslighting behaviour.
Implementation: Implement a formal performance improvement plan (PIP) that includes specific behavioural expectations, regular check-ins, and potential disciplinary actions if the behaviour does not change.
Provide Training and Support
Strategy: Offer training on workplace ethics, communication, and emotional intelligence to promote a positive work environment and discourage manipulative behaviours.
Implementation: Arrange for workshops or seminars led by experts in workplace psychology and provide resources for employees to develop healthier communication skills.
Foster a Supportive Work Environment
Strategy: Create an open and supportive culture where employees feel safe to report gaslighting and other forms of abuse without fear of retaliation.
Implementation: Implement an anonymous reporting system, encourage regular feedback, and ensure that HR is actively involved in addressing and resolving conflicts. Promote team-building activities and open communication to strengthen trust among employees.

By implementing these strategies, leaders can effectively address gaslighting behaviour, protect their employees, and maintain a healthy and productive work environment.

Gaslighting is a destructive behaviour that can have severe implications in the workplace. By understanding its manifestations, recognizing common phrases, and employing specific strategies to address it, you can create a safer, more supportive work environment. Leaders must remain vigilant and proactive in identifying and addressing gaslighting. Empowering employees to speak up and providing a robust support system can significantly mitigate the impact of this harmful behaviour. Ultimately, fostering a transparent and respectful workplace culture not only enhances productivity but also ensures the mental and emotional well-being of all employees.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Words Hurt: Emotional Abuse and Stress

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Words Hurt
“You can’t do anything right”. “This is your fault – It’s always your fault”.

Understanding Emotional Abuse and Stress
Emotional Abuse is the tearing down of another human being and it can be the result of inappropriately handling one’s emotions, the excessive need to control others and the situations around them, or it can be learned from those who have had influence on the person such as parents, coaches or supervisors.

Those who are emotionally abusive, are just as dangerous as those who are physically abusive.

Various Types of Emotional Abuse:
1. Rejecting – worthlessness and undermining self-esteem, criticizing, humiliating, blaming, ridiculing

2. Ignoring – detachment, withholds affection, indifferent

3. Terrorizing – threatening to punish or take away possessions, pets, or other family members

4. Isolating – jealousy, restricting access to people or money, secluding from outside world

5. Corrupting – exposes or puts into inappropriate situations

Emotional abuse is a very serious and often hidden problem. The scars, though not visible, can run very deep. Beverly Beuermann-King

Many of us have grown up, been in a relationship with, worked for, or even been coached by, someone who was emotionally abusive. It is often seen as a normal part of the culture of the organization and tolerated. We see this in elite sports…that coach who thinks he gets the best from his players by belittling them, pitting them against each other, and blaming them for the losses. We see this in the workplace…CEO’s who yell obscenities at their workers, who demand unquestionable obedience, or who pit teams against each other. We see this in the home…where a partner isolates, belittles and ignores.

Emotional Abuse can lead to many emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural issues. It can impact social development, future success, and relationships outside of the abusive relationship.

General Impact Of Emotional Abuse:
Low self-esteem and confidence
Unable to make decisions
Lack of interest in life
Isolation
Sleep problems
Illness
Substance use
Depression
Emotional Abuse and Children
Patterns Of Behaviour:
In children, emotional abuse can be seen as a pattern of behaviour that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. (National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse) In children, you may specifically notice signs such as the development of rocking, sucking or biting one’s self, being inappropriately aggressive, speech problems, tantrums, excessive anxiety and fears, and an inability to relate to others. The child may make self-hate statements, and/or be shy and overly compliant.

The existence of one of these signs may not indicate emotional abuse, however, several of these over a period of time should not be ignored and should be investigated and explored further.

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What Can Be Done About Emotional Abuse?
People who are the target of emotional abuse are made to feel insignificant and incapable. They may actually begin to feel that they have brought this on themselves and that it really is their fault. Often, having an advocate or a person that they can confide in, can help them to see the abuse is not their fault and to reach out for support to deal with the abuse that they are facing. Many organizations and workplaces now have policies and guidelines on how to handle bullying and harassment situations, including how these situations need to be documented, reported, investigated, and rectified.

Here are some general suggestions to deal with an abusive situation.

As The Recipient:
1. Take precautions – look for the signs of excessive jealousy and control

2. Don’t blame yourself for the way other person is treating you

3. Believe in yourself – believe that you deserve to be treated with respect

4. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable than this is probably not a healthy relationship

5. Talk to someone – find someone you can trust – a family member, friend, co-worker, EAP, supervisor, spiritual leader, community advisor or health professional. Call the Distress Centre and they can help make the appropriate referral. These resources can help you to examine all of your options so that you can decide what is best for you.

What To Do If You Feel You Are Becoming Abusive:
1. Recognize the types and strength of the various feelings related to numerous situations

2. Develop a realistic attitude about what you and those around you can achieve

3. Be respectful of other’s ideas, opinions and talents

4. Find alternative ways to express difficult emotions

5. Get help – find a counselor, therapist or a doctor that can assist you in examining why you attack and tear the other person down and help you to take personal responsibility for the steps needed to change your reactions.

Words DO Hurt
The childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” may have some truth to it. But continual emotional abuse does hurt. It can affect the development and the self-esteem of the individual and it may ripple out to affect those around the person who is being attacked. Emotional abuse is serious but help is available – both to the one being abused and to the person being the abuser. Recognition is the key.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

How To Handle A Difficult Boss

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Having A Tough Day?
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering how to handle a difficult boss.

Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about your difficult boss to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters.

So why are some bosses difficult?
The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment or sources of stress and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Occasionally, the person who ‘pushes-our-buttons’ may be our boss. Bosses can face a variety of special challenges and sources of stress throughout the day that may make their reactions seem more difficult.

According to the Executive Challenges Survey, by Axmith and Adamson, leaders face increased challenges associated with attracting and keeping talented staff, managing constant uncertainty, handling the bombardment of information from various levels, and maintaining a strong financial performance.

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How To Handle A Difficult Boss In These Stressful Situations
Often we cannot change these sources of stress for our leaders, so, can we stop their negative attitudes and difficult behaviours from rearing their ugly heads?

Unfortunately, the answer is no – not always — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again.

Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating and negative behaviours.
To do this, we must understand not only what people are going through, but also what they expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has decreased their stress before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Beverly Beuermann-King

Our role is to find alternate ways of meeting their needs for control, importance or safety.
In addition to appreciating their sources of stress, developing insight as to what reward there may be in using particular behaviours and finding alternate ways of meeting these needs, here are:

5 Quick Tips That Are Helpful In Handling A Difficult Boss:
1. Learn and understand your leader’s supervisory style – sometimes conflict occurs due to differences in styles of supervising and styles of needing to be managed

2. Clearly communicate your intentions, projects or workload – often we assume that our leader should intuitively ‘know’

3. Provide only the facts and if possible offer solutions

4. Plan ahead for negative comments or questions

5. Consciously provide positive information and reinforce your leader’s positive behaviours

Handling A Difficult Boss
Working with a difficult or negative leader can lead to burnout and take us away from a job/project that we may really enjoy. When the issue that we are working on is important, it is up to us to try and find alternate ways of working together to ensure that we are successful. Having a thorough understanding of the sources of stress for that leader along with understanding their typical reaction to these stressors can go a long way to decreasing our own personal stress.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Stop Letting Difficult People Ruin Your Day

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Do Difficult People Ruin Your Day?
It’s the end of the day and you’re exhausted, frustrated and wondering if this is what your work has come to. You hear yourself describing how some difficult people ruin your day. If anyone else talked like that, would you wonder why that person continued to work where they do?

Why Are You Letting Difficult People Ruin An Otherwise Good Day?
Understanding why some people become more difficult or negative, and when they are more likely to act that way, can prevent you from obsessing about that one difficult person to the exclusion of all the others who were quite pleasant and appreciated your work. By reflecting on your role in these difficult interactions, you will be in a better position to learn strategies to head off and/or counteract the stressful effects of these encounters with difficult clients.

Why Are Some People So Difficult?
Why do some people see the cup as being half empty instead of half full? The answers may lie in different areas, some related to the environment and some related to the “payoff” of using certain behaviours.

Some people learn very early on that the more noise they make, the more likely those around them will respond to their “squeaky-wheel” or “my-way-or-the-highway” approach. These are the people who enter our offices with complaints in hand and use their bodies and voices to intimidate.

Some people feel so hopeless and powerless in their life that they may develop the attitude of “what difference does it make?” These clients may be hard for us to work with, because they are often indecisive, resistant to change or have difficulty expressing their opinion.

For other clients, negative attitudes and behaviours are expressed when they are stressed out and just don’t have the energy to use better communication skills, judgment and manners. Beverly Beuermann-King

The Stressful Impact Of Negative Attitudes
Being stressed out is chronic in today’s society. We often have too much to do, are running behind schedule or working with incomplete information. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, to keep things in perspective and to actively look for the good in someone.

The difficulty behind these attitudes and behaviours is that they are highly “toxic.” We may be functioning just fine when we suddenly have to change gears and deal with someone else’s difficult behaviour or negative attitude. This brings us down, makes us feel grouchy and out-of-control.

The next thing you know, we ourselves complain, grow stubborn and more negative or difficult. This bad attitude then ripples out to those around us, infecting them and becoming entrenched in the workplace.

Fraught with difficult people and negative attitudes, our work environment becomes a daily scene of excessive finger-pointing, backstabbing and gossiping, higher rates of absenteeism, lower productivity and decreased quality of customer service. We let these behaviours and these difficult people ruin our day.

Can We Stop Negative Attitudes And Difficult Behaviours From Rearing Their Ugly Heads In Our Workplace?
Unfortunately, the answer is no — but we can control how we respond and desist from (inadvertently) rewarding behaviours that shouldn’t be encouraged.

The main premise to work from is that difficult people use negative behaviour to get what they want. It has worked for them before and they are counting on it to work for them again. Our goal is to stop rewarding these irritating behaviours.

To do this, we must understand what people expect to gain from being so difficult. Some want to feel more in control. Some want to feel important and listened to, and some want to avoid outright conflict, but will act out their annoyance or disagreement through other negative behaviours.

Tips To Stop Difficult Behaviours And Reduce The Stressful Impact of Negative Attitudes That We Encounter In Our Daily Affairs:
1. How can we help someone to feel more in control? Well, we need to ensure that we have clear job descriptions, are not overloaded and have realistic expectations for what we can accomplish. Staff should still be responsive to clients’ needs and concerns, rather than caught up in red tape and “by-the-book” procedures.

2. Even though it is very easy to give the impression to those we are talking to and interacting with that they are important to us, we often forget or ignore these simple strategies. We need to start with our body language. Have you ever been in a hurry and talked without looking directly at the other person? What message does that convey? Turn and face the person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment and treat each person as if they are all that matters.

3. Try and remember details about the person. Write them down and mention them the next time you’re chatting. It is hard to be difficult with someone who makes us feel special.

More Tips For Dealing With Difficult People So That They Don’t Ruin Your Day…
4. Watch how you are communicating. Bring potential or recurring problems out into the open. Are you listening to people or are you formulating your answer while they are still talking? Are you raising your voice or becoming agitated? Ask clients if there is anything you can do to improve their visit – even when you don’t want to hear their answer.

5. Give clients as much information as you can. I was recently waiting in an emergency room with my son. When the doctor arrived and began her assessment, she received an emergency page and quickly left. I was very annoyed, as my son grew restless. A nurse came by and said that the doctor had to deliver a baby and would be back shortly. That information was all that I needed to hear to make me feel better about the situation.

6. Look at the procedures that the person has to work their way through. Are you keeping them waiting, but expecting them to be on time? Make a realistic schedule, but if you are running behind, leave a message even if they may have already left for their appointment. It shows that you respect them and regret causing them any inconvenience. Can you offer them an extra service or a small token of appreciation for their patience — before they become annoyed by the delay?

Ways To Reduce The Stressful Impact Of Difficult People
7. What does your workplace environment convey? Is it comfortable, peaceful and engaging? Though the “extras” may seem unnecessary in accomplishing the business of the day, they may be just the things that clients remember. If you say you cater to families, does the environment of the office really convey that when clients with children walk in? There is nothing more stressful to a parent then to try and occupy a child in a confined space. Even being a few minutes behind schedule can upset the calmest of parents. To decrease the incidence of difficult behaviours and negative attitudes, make your workplace a visual, auditory and aromatic haven in their hectic day.

8. Get a feel for some typical reactions and attitudes that you may face and prepare yourself in advance to deal with them. Be sure not to reward difficult behaviours by giving in or backing off. For some personality types, you need to keep your composure, be assertive and know exactly what it is you want to communicate. Get comfortable with people who need to vent and express themselves – however, do not tolerate abuse.

Try using the person’s name to gain their attention when they are on a rant. Sometimes, you will get more useful information if you ask the person to write out the issue that concerns them, as there is less chance of the situation escalating into a ‘big production’.

9. Move difficult people away from problem identification and into problem-solving. Help them generate ways to improve the situation. When we are stressed out, we often have difficulty looking forward. However, if you hear the same complaints time and again, it may be that it is you (and not the client) who needs to move into problem-solving mode.

10. It is essential that you take care of yourself. Dealing with difficult people requires extra energy and focus. Maintain balance in your life – be sure to have other pursuits that you can count on for pleasure and distraction. Eat properly to control mood swings and to feel more energetic. Cut out caffeine, which heightens our responses and makes us more sensitive to those around us. Get plenty of sleep – probably more than what you are getting now. This too will give you the energy you need to think on your feet and provide the extra attention that some people need. Have someone to vent to – but not so often and for so long that you alienate that person. Lighten up, have fun and remember to smile. All of these positive behaviours will buffer you against the effects of dealing with tough situations.

By understanding what people expect to gain from using undesirable behaviours, we are in a much better position to deflect and defeat the difficult behaviour and move the person from problem identification to problem-solving.

We need to help people feel more in control, more important and listened to. Beverly Beuermann-King

When Dealing With Difficult People, It’s Important That You Take Care Of Yourself
And we need to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and maintaining our own sense of humour and balance. By using these tips, we may be able to stop difficult behaviours and reduce the impact of negative attitudes. And if you find yourself saying that what I am recommending will never work – well then, it may be time for you to reflect upon the negative vibes that you may be sending out.

Contact Beverly about hosting a workshop for your team in dealing with negative attitudes and difficult people. Learn to nail down strategies to encourage a collaborative and productive working environment!
If you have some strategies to share – comment on this posting!

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

5 Tips For Communicating Effectively When Being Confronted In A Meeting

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When confronted in a meeting, it can be challenging to maintain a productive and professional demeanour or to effectively communicate in a way that moves the conversation forward. To navigate such situations effectively, consider these five tips:

1. Stay Calm and Composed:
o Take a deep breath and maintain your composure. Responding with calmness helps keep the conversation productive and prevents escalation. Avoid raising your voice or showing signs of frustration or anger.
2. Listen Actively:
o Pay full attention to the speaker. Show that you are listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal acknowledgments like “I understand” or “I see.” This demonstrates respect and helps you understand their perspective.
3. Acknowledge Their Point of View:
o Even if you disagree, recognize the other person’s feelings or concerns. Use phrases like “I understand that you feel…” or “I can see why you might think…” to validate their perspective without necessarily agreeing with it.
4. Respond Thoughtfully:
o Take a moment to think before responding. Structure your response clearly and concisely. Focus on the issue at hand rather than getting personal. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel,” “I think”) to express your viewpoint without sounding accusatory.
5. Seek Common Ground:
o Aim to find a resolution or a compromise. Ask open-ended questions to explore solutions and show willingness to collaborate. For instance, “How do you think we can address this?” or “What would be a good way to move forward?”
Using these strategies can help ensure that the confrontation is handled professionally and constructively, leading to a more positive outcome.

Written by Beverly Beuermann-King
info@worksmartlivesmart.com

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed. And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization. You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive. Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen: Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like? Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager: What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something. Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee: If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer. Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out. You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors. If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable. Be calm when you’re doing this! The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

Article By: Dr. Rhonda Savage
As Appeared on https://www.amanet.org

How to Keep Calm in Stressful Situations

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Warren has a habit of overreacting to situations. He goes from zero to 60 in two seconds. Instead of ignoring this sudden outburst and giving him a few seconds to realize he overreacted to the situation, I am often guilty of telling him to “calm down.” For the record, that is NEVER the right thing to say to someone.

Instead, I should reinforce the skills on how to stay calm in a stressful situation for him and me. A few moments of silence are helpful for us both (allowing us to calm down) too. Maybe Warren can learn not to overreact, I can learn not to overreact by telling him to calm down immediately, and perhaps we can have fewer arguments about it too .

It’s really easy to say, calm down. It’s really hard to keep calm in the middle of a stressful situation. It’s just not easy to do. Telling someone to calm down does not help them calm down.

So, I have a few tips on how you can remain calm as much as possible in stressful situations. Maybe those are highly emotional times when you’re at a wedding or a funeral. Perhaps those are highly stressful times when someone is yelling at you at work, or you’re losing your job, or you have a different opinion on a situation. Maybe there are stressful times when you have to make those tough decisions that are never easy to make. Regardless of what the situation is, we need to be able to stay as calm as completely possible.

1. Take a deep breath. When Warren overreacts, I need to take the time to take a calming, deep breath before I tell him to calm down. I’m overreacting the very same way he is, only for a different reason. If I slow my reactions down and take a deep breath, I’m willing to bet that I won’t tell him to calm down.

When we take a deep breath, we trigger the body to stop releasing stress hormones and begin the relaxation response. The 4-7-8 breathing technique works well to calm me down quickly.

– Take a deep, slow breath from your stomach, and count to four as you
take the breath
– Hold your breath for a count of seven
– Release your breath as you count to eight. Get all the air out of your lungs
– Repeat until you feel calm

If Warren and I are in traffic and he yells at the car in front of him, I can spend at least the next 20 seconds (that is just one round of deep breathing, and I typically need a few to calm myself down) taking only one deep breath instead of yelling at him to calm down. That allows me to pause the situation, enable him to calm himself, and avoid an argument because we are both overreacting.

2. Wiggle your toes. I know this sounds insane. Do it right now. When you concentrate on wiggling your toes, you cannot focus on anything else because you cannot wiggle your toes subconsciously. When you are focused on the wiggling, you aren’t focused on what has caused you to overreact.

I use this trick in emotional situations where I’m trying not to cry (weddings, funerals). It doesn’t stop the tears, but it does stop the ugly cry. It keeps me focused on something else, which allows me to avoid overreacting. It helps me calm down (and giggle a bit too).

3. Stand if you can. Clearly, that isn’t always an option (for example, when you are in the car), nor is it always suggested.

If you’re having a very heart-to-heart conversation with your boss and you stand up in the middle of the conversation, it’s going to look very aggressive, so don’t stand up. However, if you’re on the telephone and you’re having a critical conversation with one of your kids or with a family member, you can stand up. They can’t hear that you’ve stood up, and it will allow you to remain calm.

Standing up delivers full oxygen flow through your body. You want the oxygen to go from your brain down to your toes. It also allows you to feel more in control of the situation.

4. Find something to agree on. This morning Warren’s computer wasn’t allowing him to send emails. Understandably, he was frustrated and expressing his frustration verbally. I was writing this article, so it was top of mind to avoid telling him to calm down (which I’m sure he appreciated). Instead, I said, “Yuck. That is the last thing you need today. I hate when email does that.”

I didn’t argue back, nor did I tell him to relax as it isn’t a big deal. I didn’t jump in and give him ten things to check immediately. I showed some compassion and agreed with him that his situation was frustrating. I validated his frustration. I didn’t speak condescendingly because I completely agreed that it is frustrating when email doesn’t work the way we expect. Suppose the situation was different, and Warren complained about the snow flurries later this week, and I had responded about how annoying it is that it snows in Canada. In that case, I agree with his complaint but I’m being condescending in my comments. That isn’t helpful.

5. Focus on the situation, not the person. The last thing that Warren needs to hear is, “You always overreact. Look at what you are doing now, yelling at a stranger, and they can’t even hear you.” He doesn’t need to be told to calm down, and he doesn’t need to be told the problem is “him.”

Instead, focus on the other person’s behavior, or the specifics about the situation, and not on the person over reacting.

Staying calm takes work. It is work not to overreact, and it is work to avoid telling others to calm down. Stressful situations happen. Staying calm is up to you.

             

This article was written by Rhonda and not by AI.

 


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

Controlling Reactions

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 I’m sitting on an airplane, my first in 18 months, and we are an hour past departure time, and we are back at the gate with a maintenance issue.

I was excited to get on an airplane again. I usually fly a few days a week, and flying is part of my identity really. I joke that the staff at Air Canada recognizes me when I board (the truth is that many times they do). My spirits and confidence were high. Everyone was following protocols, and everyone seemed happy.

We sat on the tarmac for 30 minutes before announcing that we were returning to the gate to get the maintenance issue looked at.

And then the moaning began.

The happy travelers (most of them were clearly traveling for fun and not business) instantly turned negative. They started accusing Air Canada of doing this on purpose (which makes zero logical sense). They reminisced about previously missed connections. The group surrounding me jumped right into stinkin’ thinkin’.

Do you jump to stinkin’ thinkin’ and travel down the path of negativity?

It made my skin crawl. I hate that kind of thinking. I find that people don’t think logically when they move to reactions. They want to find blame and fault. They immediately jump to worst-case scenarios and refuse even to entertain things might just be fine.

I did initially react too. As we were waiting to take off (before being sent back to the gate), I remembered that I really disliked the “hurry up and wait” feeling I get when I travel.

I also have trained myself to quickly recognize when I’m going down the path of negativity due to reactions and quickly turn it around to a response.

Reactions happen automatically. They may be negative initially as you look at the potential consequences that you could face.

Responses are a choice. I choose not to focus on the negativity and instead take charge of the situation as much as it allows me to. I change my perspective to be realistic and slightly optimistic instead of negative. I don’t want to go down the path of thinking things always happen to me or that companies are deliberately trying to ruin my day (we know they really aren’t, and Air Canada does not benefit from having flight issues.) My choice is to control the situation as much as possible and not get into the blame or fault game.

Reactions happen automatically. Responses are a choice.

As the negativity started passing around the cabin, I checked my connection time and realized that I had lots of time. I also thought about what would happen if I missed my connection and my options (there are always options. They may not be great, but there are always options). My keynote is in the morning, but if I cannot get to Chicago overnight (it is too far to drive), they could probably put another speaker earlier, and I can deliver my keynote when I get there. I will absolutely make it tomorrow (but very likely tonight). I didn’t focus on the “what ifs…” that cause thinking to be negative.

The trick is to recognize the difference between your initial reaction and your chosen response.

When you see that reaction, quickly change gears, and choose the response you want instead. This doesn’t mean you are unrealistic or have your head in the clouds; it means you control how you handle situations. You are choosing to be rational and not irrational.

The person in front of you is driving too slow? Don’t yell and curse (reaction), but instead take a deep breath and think about why they are driving slow and why you are in so much of a rush (response).

Your executive wants you to take minutes at a meeting after hours? Don’t assume they are trying to get you to work for free and not offering overtime or time off in lieu (reaction), but instead prepare to ask for some type of compensation or choose to give your time willingly, knowing that it will eventually work out to be fair (response).

Your co-worker books Christmas vacation again, meaning that yet again, you can’t get vacation time over the holidays? Don’t react and assume they are doing it on purpose just so you don’t get a vacation, but instead prepare an uncomfortable conversation about sharing the time from year to year or focus on the fact that you get a week off in the summer each year that doesn’t conflict with their requests.

It won’t always be easy to do, but it will always leave you feeling better about the situation.

I’m still at the gate waiting to find out if we are cleared for take-off in the near future. I’m not panicking; I’m not getting down in the dumps of stinkin’ thinkin’ but instead focused on my response and not my reaction.

             

This article was written by Rhonda and not by AI.

 


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

How To Deal With Explosive Anger

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I was on a mini vacation with my mom, and we were golfing on a beautiful Saturday with my Uncle Ron and my cousin Debbie. My uncle is an average golfer. Some days he plays very well, and other days he isn’t so lucky.

Saturday was one of the best days he ever had on the golf course, and he was hitting the ball for miles (and he had a big grin on his face to show his pleasure with it too). It was turning out to be a great day.

Until the 4th hole.

Uncle Ron stepped up to the tee box and shot a drive that looked like Bubba Watson got a hold of it. Probably the best drive of his life. Perfectly straight, almost on the green (it was a par 4). And, about 50 yards past the group of golfers in front of us.

For those of you that are golfers, you realize that he just made a major gaff. You should never hit up to the golfers in front you, let alone past them. Someone could get seriously hurt by doing that.

Uncle Ron was 100% at fault and immediately felt terrible for this amazing shot. Terrible for what could have happened. Fortunately, he didn’t hit anyone (he was well over their heads actually).

One of the group in front of us was very upset by this (rightfully so) and hopped in his golf cart, and came racing back to us.

When he got to us before he said anything my uncle Ron started to apologize. He took full responsibility and was very good about his apology.

This wasn’t good enough for Mr. Golfer. He screamed and yelled. Uncle Ron said “I apologize” about four more times and then stopped talking. Clearly, nothing he said was getting through to Mr. Golfer.

Then, he threatened all of us. Seriously. Now it is pretty hard to back down from a physical threat that was uncalled for. I gave my uncle credit though. Although he clarified “Are you threatening me?” he didn’t take the bait and didn’t get into it with Mr. Golfer. Clearly, he knew that this was a recipe for danger.

When we stopped responding, and he finished screaming, he got in his cart and started to drive away. On his final look at my cousin Debbie, he wagged his finger and told her “Not to be smiling at all about this!” She had a look of “holy cow!” on her face that was not a smile.

So, what would you have done in that situation?

I am guessing it was very difficult for my uncle not to defend himself (or us) as we were being threatened. It was very difficult not to yell back “I’ve said I’m sorry four times – what else do you want me to do?” It was very difficult not to get baited.

But it was the right thing to do. Yes, being threatened is wayway out of line. But the only way to make this guy go away was to stop talking. What would have been accomplished by arguing with him? Potential danger for sure.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

 

How to deal with difficult people at work

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Modern workplaces don’t always bring out the best in people. Corinne Mills explains how to deal with awkward colleagues

 

Agrumpy boss, whiny colleague or a petulant customer: all recognisable characters from the everyday drama of work. Modern workplaces can be fraught, so it’s perhaps not surprising that it doesn’t always bring out the best in people. Thankfully fistfights at work are rare. However, we’ve probably all experienced a time when the destructive behaviour of a colleague or boss has left us reeling.

So if there is someone behaving badly in your workplace, here are some tips to help.

Remember that we’re all human

It’s important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So patience and some time may be all that is needed for the individual to get themselves through a sticky patch. Rather than a knee-jerk response to their bad behaviour, instead ask them how they are as you want to make sure they are OK. This is incredibly disarming – and as they see that your aim is to be supportive and not a threat, they may well decide to see you as an ally rather than an adversary.

Be upfront with others

Some people are not very self-aware so maybe you just need to tell them constructively what the problem is or what you need from them. For instance, if a colleague is making barbed comments in your direction, then take them to one side, and ask them why. They’ll either be apologetic as they genuinely didn’t realise it was a problem, or they’ll make some excuse or even try to counter-accuse. Either way, they’ll know it will be risky for them to attempt this again without you hauling them up on it and perhaps escalating it further.

Manage your expectations

It might be a customer making unreasonable demands, your colleague expecting emails to be answered at midnight or your boss continually dumping urgent work on your desk just as you are heading for the exit. Choose a quiet moment when you can talk to them about their expectations and agree on how you can best work together, including what you can and can’t do, realistic timeframes and, if needed, a system for dealing with urgent issues. Having this conversation ahead of time enables a far more rational discussion about what’s needed, rather than one in the heat of a last minute panic.

Be tolerant of different approaches

Every team needs a mix of different personalities and approaches – the pessimist who will point out the flaw in the plan, the ideas person who challenges the status quo, the “do-er” who is impatient with discussion and wants to get things happening. So maybe your nemesis at work is simply someone whose approach is different from yours. Your styles may clash but that doesn’t mean to say they are dysfunctional – in fact it might be just what the team needs.

Observe them closely. How does their approach compare with yours? Are they a detailed person, glass half full or empty, task orientated or relationship focused? Then adjust your style when you communicate with them. For example, if they tend to be a nitpicking pessimist, then they may be more receptive to your ideas if you focus on which might be the least worst of possible scenarios and supply lots of detail. Read up on neuro-linguistic programming to find out how to build rapport and influence the thinking of individuals with very different thinking styles.

Handle aggression assertively

If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it’s OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.

Be mindful of psychological health issues

When an individual continually behaves in a way that is problematic or destructive, then the roots often lie deeper than whatever is happening at work. People are complex and it’s worth remembering that according to Mind statistics, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year. So where their behaviour seems emotionally charged or oddly disproportionate to the issue at hand, it may be that there are more deep-seated psychological issues at play.

Seek alternative methods as a last resort

Where you’ve tried everything you can to improve a difficult relationship at work but the individual still seems hell bent on making you miserable, then it’s time to look at your options. You could try and ride it out, forge some allies, avoid them where you can and become adept at “covering your back”. You could consider raising a grievance or formal complaint about their behaviour but these rarely end in dismissal so you may still find yourself working with them – and yes, they going to be very angry with you.

The sad reality is that sometimes you come across individuals at work who are psychopathic in their behaviour. Utterly ruthless, these individuals are incredibly resilient, fearless and not constrained by ethics or a moral code. Beware if they have you in their sights, because they are smart, manipulative, very plausible and have no compunction about causing damage.

By the time you’ve wised up to their true behaviour they may already have engineered to get rid of you or beaten you into submission. Will you win against them – unlikely! At least not unless you are prepared to play a similar no holds barred game. It might just be better to run and don’t look back.

These are my tips but have you found any others that worked for you? Drop us a line in the comments below to share your thoughts.

Corinne Mills is managing director of Personal Career Management.

How To Deal With Difficult People

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PUBLISHED  · UPDATED 

Techtello.com

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers

Humans are social creatures who seek personal validation based on how others interact with them. We feel good and important when others share our belief system and dejected when there’s a conflict of opinions.

It’s then natural to want to work with people who are just like us, our clones.

So, every once in a while when we come across people who do not value our inputs, crush our ideas, ignore what we have to say, act as a know-it-all, seem to find pleasure in criticism, satisfaction in creating chaos and look for the negative side of things, it upsets us.

These so-called difficult people push our buttons by acting in undesirable ways. Their behaviour gives us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them. After all, they are at fault.

Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher once said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers.

Is there a better way of working with difficult people? Can we shift from acting as a critic who passes judgement or a victim who is being defensive to a responsible adult who can work with different types of people?

Before jumping to strategies, let us learn how we think, act and behave around difficult people. Without understanding our own mindset, any strategy we try to put to practice will be superficial. It will not address our underlying emotions, the most critical aspect to deal with while working with people we find difficult and challenging.

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. “Where we stand depends on where we sit”

How do we deal with difficult people?

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T - Tagging, R - Righteousness, I - Intention, C - Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. How we relate to someone else is driven by our own personality, expectations, background and experience.

Some people instantly click and connect to us and it is difficult to comprehend or rationalise why we trust them. Then there are others we dislike the moment we shake their hands with our inner voice whispering in our ears “I am not going to like this person”.

Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. That doesn’t mean there aren’t people who are largely unpopular, but they are very rare.

Once our mind takes us down the emotional path, we take a one-sided view of the problem. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T – Tagging, R – Righteousness, I – Intention, C – Confirmation, K- Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways:

T- Tagging leading to classification

Isn’t it easy to notice flaws in others while ignoring our own shortcomings?

We are quick to label others – he’s needy, manipulative, fake, cheat, pretentious, condescending, cynic, liar, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative.

From Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves— we know what we are “really like” inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others

Without making an attempt to understand the other person, what’s important to them, what’s their belief system and what could be driving this behaviour, we place people into buckets.

Tagging people happens in the part of our brain that runs on auto-pilot without our conscious awareness. It’s what helps our brain to apply shortcuts while dealing with others.

Classifying people into easy (safe) or difficult (threat) gives permission to our brain to act in certain ways.

R – Righteousness calling for rejection

The moment we find someone difficult, our body tightens up. We not only lose flexibility in our body, but in our response too.

We start believing in the righteousness of how we feel, what we want and why the other person deserves to be treated in a certain way. Once we reject them as a person, we start rejecting their ideas too. We take a stand and stick to it.

From Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Who died maintaining his right of way – He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong. You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong

The fixed view enables us to rationalise why the person is acting this way.

I – Intention driven by assumptions

Once we know we are right and the other person is indeed difficult, it’s easy to assume that they are acting out of bad intent.

Hanlon’s razor states –

“Never attribute to bad intentions that which is adequately explained by ignorance, incompetence, negligence, misunderstanding, laziness or other probable causes”

Without applying Hanlon’s razor as a mental model to understand their behaviour and look for alternate perspectives, we assume bad intention as the source of the problem.

We choose to live with our assumptions, without showing an intent to understand the other person and their action.

Difficult becomes synonymous with bad in our minds which further strengthens our belief system.

C – Confirmation of our beliefs 

Once we label someone as “difficult”, every interaction then serves as a validation of our beliefs. Confirmation bias prevails as we stick with our perception in all our discussions.

It leads us to reject the evidence that contradicts our beliefs and look for information that strengthens our point of view.

Whatever the person does or says is then viewed through a skewed lens that reinforces their difficult behaviour even though the interaction may be entirely normal.

We stick with our first impression instead of making an attempt to view every situation differently.

K – Keenness to fix others

We do not look at ourselves to determine what about us could be causing the other person to act in a particular way. Without changing our own behaviour, we expect others to act in a certain way.

The assumption that the other person is at fault leads to a desire to fix them.

They might be at fault, but we cannot fix someone else. The best we can do is to take charge of things which are under our control.

Take this advice from Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Many factors in interdependent situations are not in your Circle of Concern—problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively

Remember that our mind plays these tricks to help us make sense of the world and the people in it. Labelling someone difficult and sticking to it is letting your brain run on auto-pilot, while taking control requires conscious effort and deliberate thinking.

What happens when we interact with difficult people?

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger. We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety

Amygdala is an older part of our brain in the limbic system which is responsible for processing emotions and it is not very good at separating real danger from a perceived one.

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala which triggers fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger.

We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles and anxiety.

It can also drain us of our energy making us feel exhausted and can lead to overthinking which causes us to get stuck and drift away from important work in turn hitting our productivity.

4 strategies to handle difficult people 

We may not realise that we have supreme power over our own thinking and action, which contributes to how others around us behave. As Dr. Mike Bechtle advocates in People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys – “It means that we work on our side of the relationship, no matter what happens on the other side. We don’t change them; we change ourselves”

It may seem “right” to want others to change, but it’s extremely difficult. So, control what you can and stop thinking about what you can’t by following these 4 practices to deal with difficult people:

1. Separate the person from the behaviour

Labelling a person as difficult or bad doesn’t help. When you find someone difficult, you may think that you do not like the person, but it’s actually their behaviour that you dislike.

Separating the person from their behaviour will allow you to identify your own limits and determine what aspect of a person’s behaviour troubles you.

Following this as a practice every time you encounter a difficult person can help you to draw patterns – is it the perfectionist that bothers you or someone who’s too aggressive and loud, what about the extremely logical kinds who ignore emotional cues or people who stick to norms and fear disruption or maybe it’s the cultural misfits.

Once you understand this, you can be kind to the person while still devising strategies to deal with their behaviour.

It also enables a healthy dialogue by helping you shift in the language you use. There’s a huge difference in saying

“I find you obnoxious”

vs

“The idea that you suggested does not consider…”

First statement is about the person which can instantly make them defensive, while the second one is about their idea which invites the other person to have a healthy debate.

2. Widen your perspective

When you are having a tough time trying to understand why the other person is behaving in a manner that displeases you, take a moment to step back. Instead of passing judgement, explore answers.

Widen your perspective by asking these questions:

  • Why do I feel this way?
  • What does the other person feel in this situation?
  • How are my biases coming into play?
  • Could I be skipping some facts?
  • How do I contribute to this behaviour?
  • What if my feelings are wrong?
  • What does this situation and person teach me about myself?
  • Could they be feeling insecure around me?

From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind

Turning the difficult moment into a learning experience can help you make changes in the way you respond, ask questions and act around difficult people. Some of these small changes can be big enablers for reinforcing positive behaviour.

It may even present an opportunity to the difficult person to shift their perspective by noticing how others around them behave and act.

3. Don’t react, act 

When you are upset, the natural tendency is to react without thinking straight. While not intentional, your reaction may give more power to the difficult person by acknowledging that they bother you. It causes fixation on a different problem than the one you intended to solve together.

A well thought out action, on the other hand, may diffuse the situation by shifting the focus from their difficult behaviour to the desire to find a solution together.

When dealing with difficult co-workers, show a collaborative mindset by

  • Discussing the outcomes that you both desire
  • Establishing boundaries on acceptable behaviour
  • Actively listening to the other person
  • Moving the focus from drama to finding solutions together

Action, not reaction drives results.

4. Take the hard road

Despite all your efforts to keep the drama in check, things may eventually not work out. Some people are indeed very difficult to manage.

Instead of being disappointed and reverting back to your default mode, involve the right people for guidance and seeking ideas.

Some other strategies that may also work and are worth trying:

  • Give candid feedback to the difficult person yourself or have their manager deliver the message
  • Involve a third party who can act as a mediator by adopting a more neutral tone

Humans are complex, irrational beings and we are not magicians to turn everyone into our clones.

But, we can add a little magic to our life by controlling our own behaviour around difficult people.

How do you manage difficult people at work and in life? Write to me or share your comments below.

3 Difficult Colleagues to Work With – And How to Best Work With Them

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Paul Petrone

Authored byPaul Petrone

Focused on connecting all professionals to economic opportunity

November 4, 2019

We all spend a lot of time each week with our colleagues, and, well, some of them aren’t so easy to work with.

What’s the secret to dealing with them? In his LinkedIn Learning course appropriately named Dealing with Difficult People, Instructor Chris Croft gives an in-depth overview of how to best work with difficult colleagues.

We picked three of the most frustrating and common colleagues to work with – the procrastinator, the negative colleague and the outright aggressive colleague – and shared Croft’s playbook for best working with them.

Let’s take them one-by-one:

1. How to Best Work With a Colleague Who Loves to Procrastinate

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a colleague who loves to procrastinate.

Working with the procrastinator can be frustrating, as they generally are nice people. But their constant delays or indecision hold back projects.

So you stew in anger, silently.

How to best work with them: Croft gave five tactics that inspire procrastinators into action. They are:

  • Remind them time is scarce. Tell them you need a decision by the end of the week to hit your deadline, for example.
  • Set a time limit. Similar to the last point, tell the procrastinator they need to make a decision in a set amount of time or else it can no longer happen. For example, say you need their approval on a time-sensitive campaign within three days – or else the campaign can’t happen.
  • Make it affect them. This works with customers and third-parties particularly well. Say you need an agency to get back to you in two days, tell them you’ll withhold payment if they don’t come through. Or, with a customer, tell them you can give them a lower price, but only if they decide by the end of the week.
  • Offer to help them. Give the procrastinator help, at least at the start to get them going. Say you need them to execute a campaign you are running – help them in the beginning set the scope of the campaign.
  • Agree on a plan. When giving the procrastinator an assignment, agree to a deadline with them at the start. Then, as that deadline approaches, it’s fair to check in to see how progress is going. This usually compels them into action.

Another option? Tell the procrastinator they indeed procrastinate. What’s key here is to have specific examples of the times they missed deadlines and how that’s affected both the organization and yourself.

Often, just raising the awareness of the issue will correct it, so long as it’s done respectfully.

2. How to Best Work With a Negative Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a negative colleague.

There’s always one of these in the office. Your company could have a record quarter, and they point out how this will just mean higher forecasts. Or, you throw a birthday party for a colleague, and they remind everyone they are on a diet and can’t eat the cake.

Not exactly a ray of sunshine.

How to best work with them: The first question you need to ask yourself when dealing with a negative person is – does it matter? Sure, they are negative and that can be irritating, but does that really have to affect you?

Hopefully, it doesn’t; you can know that’s how they are, accept them and move on. Or, if you truly find it too irritating to be around, you can avoid them. A third option – use their negativity as a virtue, as they sometimes can be useful playing the role of devil’s advocate, pointing out flaws others would miss.

But say that’s not possible and their negativity is causing your work to suffer. One thing you can do is bring their negativity to their attention.

Say they are trashing a new initiative by the company, for example. Ask them – thanks for the negatives, but do you see any benefits to it?

Or, inspire them to think of solutions, instead of complaints. Tell them the objective and have them create a plan to achieve it. This requires more productive thinking and gets them in a more can-do frame of mind.

3. How to Best Work With an Aggressive Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with an overly aggressive colleague.

These people can be exhausting – they want things their way, on their timeline and seemingly nothing is ever good enough. Unfortunately, these people tend to gravitate to positions of power as well, which only exasperates the problem.

How to deal with them: There are two options: one is learning to deal with them (which is often necessary if they are your boss or a customer), and one is trying to change them. Croft gave tips for each.

Let’s start with how to deal with them. Croft suggested using these three techniques:

  • Detach. Realize an aggressive person is aggressive because that’s their nature, it’s got nothing to do with you. So, if they yell at you or try to belittle you, remember: their aggression is a reflection on them, not you.
  • Resist either caving in or being aggressive back. When someone is aggressive toward you, the natural reaction is either to placate them and give them what they want or to aggressively resist. Neither is great. Instead, Croft recommends staying calm, acknowledging their comment (“I understand why you feel that way”) but then calmly restating what you want (“I still need another five days to finish this project due to unexpected circumstances”).
  • Take a time out. The worst time to reason with someone is when they are being really aggressive. Instead, say a non-committal statement like “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this” and then take a break. Often, when you pick the conversation back up at a later time, the person is apologetic for the way they acted or, at the very least, thinking more clearly.

The following three tips are good if you have to deal with an aggressive person. But, what if you want to change an aggressive person?

Croft suggests confronting them, using this four-step formula:

  • I understand. Start the conversation wtih a statement of empathy. The next time they are aggressive to you or someone else, talk to them after they cool down. Tell them you understand why they felt that way.
  • I feel. Next, tell them how it makes you feel. For example, maybe their actions made you feel marginalized or uncomfortable.
  • I want. Then, tell them what you want. Either, to approach conversations more calmly, or to be more open to the ideas of others.
  • Ask – is that okay? Here’s where the discussion happens. You want to confirm they understand what you mean by asking them if they do and also allow them to make their points as well. Here’s a good time to listen and understand their perspective better.

The takeaway

Whenever you are dealing with someone difficult at work, there are two options: either you learn to live with them or you try to change them.

Learning to live with them is the easier route most of the time. So long as you have a strategy for dealing with them, you’ll be okay.

Occasionally though, if it is directly affecting your work, you should make an effort to change them. While it requires more work upfront, if you are successful, you ensure this problem no longer persists.

And everyone will owe you a debt a gratitude for that.

Want to learn more? Watch Croft’s full LinkedIn Learning course, Dealing with Difficult People, today.

Topics within that course also cover:

Dealing with Challenging Workplace Relationships

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The University of Queensland Australia – Article
Here are a few questions to ask yourself (in no particular order) the next time you feel you are experiencing a difficult workplace relationship:
Does it matter? Is this issue really worth your time and energy? If it isn’t then don’t get bogged down, just move on to your next priority. If it is, then it’s worth the effort to resolve it properly.
Why might it be happening? Everything has a cause. You may never know what that cause is, but if you assume that there is a good reason for the behaviour then you stand a better chance of keeping your cool when you’re feeling frustrated, annoyed, put-upon, etc.
Have you explained your position? Can you calmly and objectively tell them what they are doing and the impact it is having on you? They may not have realised the consequences of their actions.
Have you asked about theirs? They may not want to tell you but at least you are giving them the opportunity.
Have you clearly defined the problem? Is it really their lateness or does your annoyance stem from other issues?
Is there any common ground? If you talk it through you may find you both want the same thing. Anything in common is a good starting point to resolving the conflict.
Can you both have what you want? If you assume that you can and then try to find a way to make it happen you’re more likely to be successful (in other words, think positive!)
If not, where is the acceptable compromise? What could you both give up and still feel fairly treated?
TIPS:
1. Be calm. Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn’t the best way to get him/her to collaborate with you. It is better to assume a calm persona. Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centred and more respectable. Would you prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge? When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing, you will start getting their attention.
2. Understand the person’s intentions. We’d like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person’s trigger: What is making him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?
3. Let the person know where you are coming from. One thing that can work is to let the person know your intentions behind what you are doing. Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them. Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.
4. Build a rapport. With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical process. Re-instil the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in your work.
5. Treat the person with respect. As the golden rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
6. Focus on what can be actioned upon. Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than focus on what you cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.
7. Limit your interactions. If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way might be to just ignore. If you haven’t been able to form any kind of useful relationship with your colleague then try to avoid working closely with them. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed.
8. Know your own “stuff”: Everyone has triggers that elicit emotional responses that can impair one’s ability to be effective and calm in the heat of the difficult interaction. Pay attention to when you feel your frustrations rising, and note the circumstances; if a situation begins to push your buttons, give yourself a “time-out” by leaving the room, walking away from the computer, or ending the call. A cooling-off period can keep you from being dragged into the emotion of the situation and remain effective.
9. Be a dispassionate observer: Remain detached, neutral, and above the emotion of the conflict. Observe, listen, and let the other person know he’s been heard, but do not allow yourself to come down into the scene. You did not make the person difficult, and you cannot “fix” them. You can, however, limit their influence, and not reinforce difficult behaviour.
10. Focus on Future Behaviour: People aren’t the problem; it’s the behaviour that is the problem. A person can only change future behaviour. A conversation filled with a history of mistakes generates defensiveness and shuts down communication.

3 Difficult Colleagues to Work With – And How to Best Work With Them

/in , /by

We all spend a lot of time each week with our colleagues, and, well, some of them aren’t so easy to work with.

What’s the secret to dealing with them? In his LinkedIn Learning course appropriately named Dealing with Difficult People, Instructor Chris Croft gives an in-depth overview of how to best work with difficult colleagues.

We picked three of the most frustrating and common colleagues to work with – the procrastinator, the negative colleague and the outright aggressive colleague – and shared Croft’s playbook for best working with them.

Let’s take them one-by-one:

1. How to Best Work With a Colleague Who Loves to Procrastinate

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a colleague who loves to procrastinate.

Working with the procrastinator can be frustrating, as they generally are nice people. But their constant delays or indecision hold back projects.

So you stew in anger, silently.

How to best work with them: Croft gave five tactics that inspire procrastinators into action. They are:

  • Remind them time is scarce. Tell them you need a decision by the end of the week to hit your deadline, for example.
  • Set a time limit. Similar to the last point, tell the procrastinator they need to make a decision in a set amount of time or else it can no longer happen. For example, say you need their approval on a time-sensitive campaign within three days – or else the campaign can’t happen.
  • Make it affect them. This works with customers and third-parties particularly well. Say you need an agency to get back to you in two days, tell them you’ll withhold payment if they don’t come through. Or, with a customer, tell them you can give them a lower price, but only if they decide by the end of the week.
  • Offer to help them. Give the procrastinator help, at least at the start to get them going. Say you need them to execute a campaign you are running – help them in the beginning set the scope of the campaign.
  • Agree on a plan. When giving the procrastinator an assignment, agree to a deadline with them at the start. Then, as that deadline approaches, it’s fair to check in to see how progress is going. This usually compels them into action.

Another option? Tell the procrastinator they indeed procrastinate. What’s key here is to have specific examples of the times they missed deadlines and how that’s affected both the organization and yourself.

Often, just raising the awareness of the issue will correct it, so long as it’s done respectfully.

2. How to Best Work With a Negative Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with a negative colleague.

There’s always one of these in the office. Your company could have a record quarter, and they point out how this will just mean higher forecasts. Or, you throw a birthday party for a colleague, and they remind everyone they are on a diet and can’t eat the cake.

Not exactly a ray of sunshine.

How to best work with them: The first question you need to ask yourself when dealing with a negative person is – does it matter? Sure, they are negative and that can be irritating, but does that really have to affect you?

Hopefully, it doesn’t; you can know that’s how they are, accept them and move on. Or, if you truly find it too irritating to be around, you can avoid them. A third option – use their negativity as a virtue, as they sometimes can be useful playing the role of devil’s advocate, pointing out flaws others would miss.

But say that’s not possible and their negativity is causing your work to suffer. One thing you can do is bring their negativity to their attention.

Say they are trashing a new initiative by the company, for example. Ask them – thanks for the negatives, but do you see any benefits to it?

Or, inspire them to think of solutions, instead of complaints. Tell them the objective and have them create a plan to achieve it. This requires more productive thinking and gets them in a more can-do frame of mind.

3. How to Best Work With an Aggressive Colleague

LinkedIn Learning Instructor Chris Croft explains how to best work with an overly aggressive colleague.

These people can be exhausting – they want things their way, on their timeline and seemingly nothing is ever good enough. Unfortunately, these people tend to gravitate to positions of power as well, which only exasperates the problem.

How to deal with them: There are two options: one is learning to deal with them (which is often necessary if they are your boss or a customer), and one is trying to change them. Croft gave tips for each.

Let’s start with how to deal with them. Croft suggested using these three techniques:

  • Detach. Realize an aggressive person is aggressive because that’s their nature, it’s got nothing to do with you. So, if they yell at you or try to belittle you, remember: their aggression is a reflection on them, not you.
  • Resist either caving in or being aggressive back. When someone is aggressive toward you, the natural reaction is either to placate them and give them what they want or to aggressively resist. Neither is great. Instead, Croft recommends staying calm, acknowledging their comment (“I understand why you feel that way”) but then calmly restating what you want (“I still need another five days to finish this project due to unexpected circumstances”).
  • Take a time out. The worst time to reason with someone is when they are being really aggressive. Instead, say a non-committal statement like “maybe you’re right, let’s revisit this” and then take a break. Often, when you pick the conversation back up at a later time, the person is apologetic for the way they acted or, at the very least, thinking more clearly.

The following three tips are good if you have to deal with an aggressive person. But, what if you want to change an aggressive person?

Croft suggests confronting them, using this four-step formula:

  • I understand. Start the conversation wtih a statement of empathy. The next time they are aggressive to you or someone else, talk to them after they cool down. Tell them you understand why they felt that way.
  • I feel. Next, tell them how it makes you feel. For example, maybe their actions made you feel marginalized or uncomfortable.
  • I want. Then, tell them what you want. Either, to approach conversations more calmly, or to be more open to the ideas of others.
  • Ask – is that okay? Here’s where the discussion happens. You want to confirm they understand what you mean by asking them if they do and also allow them to make their points as well. Here’s a good time to listen and understand their perspective better.

The takeaway

Whenever you are dealing with someone difficult at work, there are two options: either you learn to live with them or you try to change them.

Learning to live with them is the easier route most of the time. So long as you have a strategy for dealing with them, you’ll be okay.

Occasionally though, if it is directly affecting your work, you should make an effort to change them. While it requires more work upfront, if you are successful, you ensure this problem no longer persists.

And everyone will owe you a debt a gratitude for that.

Created by

 
October 8, 2018

How to Deal with Untidy and Messy People at Work

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Everyone has their own definition of what’s messy and what’s not. Some people are able to tolerate more clutter and mess, whereas others like to have everything neat and tidy at all times. This isn’t too much of a problem when these cleaning habits are limited to the privacy of one’s home. However, it can be a real issue when it encroaches on a shared work space where everyone has different ideals. Here are seven tips for dealing with untidy and messy people at work.

Seek to understand the underlying issue

There’s usually a link between people’s environment and their mental and emotional space. Therefore, simply asking someone to clean up their workspace probably won’t solve the problem for good. It’s important to understand why your colleague is messy. Is there something going on for them personally? Do they struggle to focus? Are they lacking clear goals to work towards? When you understand the underlying issue, you can seek to address it with the right approach and help the person make a long-term change that will benefit them in both their work and personal life.

Encourage a recycling program

If your office doesn’t already recycle, introduce a recycling program to encourage employees to put their paper and glass recyclables in the bin. Educate team members on what should be recycled, like paper, cardboard, tins, plastic containers and glass, and what shouldn’t, like food waste, food-tainted items, coffee cups, plastic bags, foil and more. By doing this, you will lift the office cleaning standards for the whole team. It’s just like the saying goes, ‘a rising tide lifts all boats!’

Move away from paper processes

Some employees may appear more messy than others simply because they are dealing with a heavy volume of paper. This might be the case for anyone who works in administration or who handles purchasing, invoices or contracts. There are plenty of state-of-the-art software solutions that businesses can implement to get rid of paper once and for all. These systems, often cloud based, reduce paper waste by allowing team members to collaborate, edit and share documents in real-time from wherever they are. By making the most of the latest technology solutions, your business will decrease clutter while improving efficiency and decreasing its carbon footprint – it’s a win win!

Have a regular office cleaning day

If more than one person’s workspace has fallen into a mess, or if other areas of the office are untidy, plan an office cleaning day. Supply snacks and lunch, turn on music and encourage employees to wear casual clothes. At the end of the day, you’ll not only have a tidy workplace but also a more bonded team and plenty of fun memories.

Conquer clutter with the box method

If clutter continues to be a problem, implement the box tidying method. This works by giving each employee a box to sit on their desk. At the end of the day, every employee must put any loose items like paper, pens, staplers or notebooks in the box. This encourages employees to get in the habit of keeping their workspace tidy, and keeps the entire office free from clutter. 

Have a conversation

If an employee’s lack of cleanliness is impacting on other people’s health, wellbeing and efficiency, it’s time to have a conversation with them. If you’re not the boss, then it’s important to notify a manager to allow them to do the talking. Addressing the person’s behaviour and explaining why it is detrimental to other employees should encourage them to change their habits. 

Relocate the employee

If a particular employee continues to cause a mess in the workplace after being spoken to, it might be time to consider relocating that employee to a different area. If all else fails, management may need to step in to give the employee a formal warning. This should clearly explain that the employee must clean up their act if they are to keep working in the office.

Untidiness not only leaves an eyesore in the workplace but also affects productivity and can ultimately be detrimental to your business’ bottom line. The best way to handle messiness at work is to deal with it quickly so you can get back to doing the work that matters the most – serving your customers and clients.


Article By,

 


Lara Blanco
Clean Focus Services
Head of Customer Happiness

Culture happiness centric individual with the belief that happy teams make happy customers, which in turn makes everyone happy. I also know a thing or two about cleaning 🙂

How To Deal With Explosive Anger

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I was on a mini vacation with my mom, and we were golfing on a beautiful Saturday with my uncle Ron and my cousin Debbie. My uncle is an average golfer. Some days he plays very well, and other days he isn’t so lucky.

Saturday was one of the best days he ever had on the golf course, and he was hitting the ball for miles (and he had a big grin on his face to show his pleasure with it too). It was turning out to be a great day.

Until the 4th hole.

Uncle Ron stepped up to the tee box and shot a drive that looked like Bubba Watson got a hold of it. Probably the best drive of his life. Perfectly straight, almost on the green (it was a par 4). And, about 50 yards past the group of golfers in front of us.

For those of you that are golfers, you realize that he just made a major gaff. You should never hit up to the golfers in front you, let alone past them. Someone could get seriously hurt by doing that.

Uncle Ron was 100% at fault and immediately felt terrible for this amazing shot. Terrible for what could have happened. Fortunately, he didn’t hit anyone (he was well over their heads actually).

One of the group in front of us was very upset by this (rightfully so) and hopped in his golf cart, and came racing back to us.

When he got to us before he said anything my uncle Ron started to apologize. He took full responsibility and was very good about his apology.

This wasn’t good enough for Mr. Golfer. He screamed and yelled. Uncle Ron said “I apologize” about four more times and then stopped talking. Clearly, nothing he said was getting through to Mr. Golfer.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.
Read more https://goo.gl/52sxLV

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Then, he threatened all of us. Seriously. Now it is pretty hard to back down from a physical threat that was uncalled for. I gave my uncle credit though. Although he clarified “Are you threatening me?” he didn’t take the bait and didn’t get into it with Mr. Golfer. Clearly, he knew that this was a recipe for danger.

When we stopped responding, and he finished screaming, he got in his cart and started to drive away. On his final look at my cousin Debbie, he wagged his finger and told her “Not to be smiling at all about this!” She had a look of “holy cow!” on her face that was not a smile.

So, what would you have done in that situation?

I am guessing it was very difficult for my uncle not to defend himself (or us) as we were being threatened. It was very difficult not to yell back “I’ve said I’m sorry four times – what else do you want me to do?” It was very difficult not to get baited.

But it was the right thing to do. Yes, being threatened is wayway out of line. But the only way to make this guy go away was to stop talking. What would have been accomplished by arguing with him? Potential danger for sure.

Sometimes the right answer is to not respond. Many times that is the hardest thing to do.


Article by,

Rhonda ScharfConsultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

 

 

As appeared in the huffingtonpost on 14th July, 2017.

How to Manage Conflict

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Last November, Philippe, a 33-year-old French banker, left Paris for a new challenge in London. He thought that a new job in a fast-growing British investment bank would give him valuable international experience and develop some new skills. The bigger salary and bonus were also a draw.

One year on, Philippe has a different view of his move. When I met him last week, he explained that the year had been a disaster and his job was in danger as staff had made formal complaints about his management style. He had found it difficult to adjust to his new role, but he had not realised that his style had created such conflict within his team.

Philippe felt he had been acting appropriately, but his colleagues and team members felt he had been inconsistent, favouring some members of his team and undermining others. His line manager had recommended coaching to help him improve his communication skills, understand the culture and develop his people skills. Philippe had agreed to the coaching but felt aggrieved that the bank had not done more to prepare him for his role with training and a proper induction. The main problem, he said, was the bank’s matrix structure and its focus on profit-making, which encouraged managers to fight for territory and resources rather than building teams and developing people. In short, the bank deliberately created a culture of conflict rather than collaboration.

Of course, both sides have a point. Philippe needs to change, but so does the environment in which he is operating. I am often asked to work with individuals in a conflict situation, but rarely does the organisation ask for feedback on why the conflict occurred and what they might do to prevent it. In truth, little is done at the organisational level to mitigate conflict.

Organisational conflict is emerging as a key workplace issue among the people I coach. They tell me that there is a lack of will and/or skills to deal with conflict and have many theories as to why it occurs and what happens when it takes root. From being an unwelcome distraction, conflict in a team or department can quickly spread, to damage relationships, lower productivity and morale and in extreme cases lead absenteeism, sabotage, litigation and even strikes.

So why are so many people experiencing conflict at work? There are two key factors.

First, the matrix structure adopted by many organisations has resulted in unclear reporting lines, increased competition for resources and attention and general confusion as managers try to develop an appropriate management style.

Second, globalisation has caused change and restructuring so that businesses operate more flexibly. There has been a rapid growth in virtual teams, with people from different backgrounds and cultures working across vast regions and time zones. Email and electronic communication are the most practical ways to connect, but these can be anonymous and lead to misunderstanding.

In addition to matrix management styles and globalisation, there are a number of other sources of conflict, including:

• Different cultures and assumptions
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplaces
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

So what are the ways to manage conflict? How can managers ensure that it does not escalate out of control? According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

Another way to look at conflict is to decide the relative importance of the issue and to consider the extent to which priorities, principles, relationships or values are at stake. Power is also an important issue – how much power do you have relative to the other person?

As a rule, I would suggest collaboration is the way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better. Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship.

And lest we forget, conflict does have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships. As Jim Collins wrote in Good to Great, “all the good-to-great companies had a penchant for intense dialogue. Phrases like ‘loud debate’, ‘heated discussions’ and ‘healthy conflict’ peppered the articles and transcripts from all companies.” The more skilled managers become in handling differences and change without creating or getting involved in conflict, the more successful their teams and companies will become.

 

Article by, Gill Corkindale

As appeared on https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

Keeping Your Cool: Dealing with Difficult People

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By: Dr. Rhonda Savage

People today have a short fuse—everyone is stressed.  And when people are stressed, they can become difficult to be around. Chances are, you’ve worked with at least one difficult person in your organization.  You recognize the behaviors of a difficult person, such as a bad attitude, apathy, difficulty handling change, and terrible customer service. Difficult people give you the silent treatment or worse–they can be verbally aggressive.Unfortunately, if you don’t address this kind of behavior, one of two things will happen:  Employees will become resentful and think less of you as a leader.

Employees will start modeling the behavior of the person who is not being corrected.

It’s important to understand that there’s only one reason anyone behaves in an unacceptable manner: the person gets away with it! So, who’s responsible for difficult people? The answer is anyone who tolerates them. Every time you give in to a difficult person, every time you choose not to confront him or her, you allow a difficult person to continue this rude behavior.

What does a difficult person in your office look like?  Often, he is the one who gets the better schedule. He may come in late or leave the office early, leaving his or her work for others to finish. The individual might take a longer lunch, hold long personal calls during work hours, or refuse to lend a co-worker a hand. Individuals in the office don’t ask the person to work with them because they don’t like the individual.

So, how can you change this situation? Confrontation is one answer. Unfortunately, it can be hard for anyone to address this issue. However, it’s important to understand that dealing with the issue will facilitate a more harmonious atmosphere in the office, leading to increased productivity, improved morale, and a healthier bottom line.

You’ll need to set boundaries, expectations and guidelines, and then hold the person accountable for his or her behaviors. Here are some tips, whether you are an employee dealing with a difficult supervisor, a worker dealing with a co-worker, or a manager dealing with a challenging employee:

Owner or Manager to Employee: Have you ever had an employee who was demanding, condescending, abrupt, tearful, insecure, and high maintenance—yet he or she did an excellent job? Were you worried about losing the person because of the great work? Just because someone does great work doesn’t make him or her a good employee. If you have a person whose behavior is affecting the morale and productivity in the office, and you’ve already coached the employee on the issue, this person needs a formal corrective review.

The employee should be given a copy of the corrective review; a signed copy is placed in his or her employee file. Let the employee know the specific behavior you need to have changed, your clearly defined expectations, and a time frame to work within. Have a follow-up meeting within a designated time period to give the employee the feedback needed. Be sure to provide clear oversight.

Employee to Manager:  What if the difficult person is your boss or manager? Approach your employer or supervisor first by asking: “I need to talk with you about something.  Is now a good time?” If not, schedule a time to talk. Begin by expressing your intention and your motives. Explain your concern about a loss of business and unhappy clients, and that your intentions are to help make the workplace not only productive but also satisfactory to clients.

Another approach is to talk about how certain behaviors in the office are decreasing efficiency. Explain that you’d like to talk about ways to improve the systems in the office. By first addressing the issues as though you’re tackling a problem or a system issue, your supervisor or employer will not be defensive. Always be tactful, professional, calm, and polite. Ask your employer or manager for his or her goals and offer to give suggestions to help meet those goals.

Use the “feel, felt, found” method: “Many of our customers feel uncomfortable when you speak to the other employees; they’ve expressed how they’ve felt when you left the room. I’ve found if I convey customer concerns to my supervisor that our sales have increased.”

Employee to Employee:  If you have a problem with a co-worker, the best course of action is to go to that person directly. Do not talk about the issues with your fellow co-workers behind the other person’s back! Go to the person privately and tell them about it.

There are three steps to this.

Let the person know you’d like to talk about something that’s been bothering you. Ask him or her, “Is this a good time?”

Describe the behavior with dates, names, and times. Be specific. Begin by saying:  “I’d like to talk with you about this. This is how I felt when….” Speak only for yourself and how the behavior affects you.

Describe what you would like to see changed. Try to resolve the issue first personally and privately. If the situation does not change, request a meeting between yourself, the other person and your employer.  Everyone can choose his or her attitude. Each day, when someone walks out the front door to go to work, that person has a choice in how his or her day will play out.  You can’t always choose the people who surround you but you can try to make them aware of their behaviors.  If you have a difficult person in your life, set the boundaries, explain your expectations, and then hold that person accountable.  Be calm when you’re doing this!  The person who is calm and asks the questions is the one in control.

About the Author

Dr. Rhonda Savage is an internationally acclaimed speaker and CEO for a well-known practice management and consulting business. As past President of the Washington State Dental Association, she is active in organized dentistry and has been in private practice for more than 16 years. Dr. Savage is a noted speaker on practice management, women’s issues, communication and leadership, and zoo dentistry.

5 Conflict Management Strategies

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Don't let conflicts get out of control.In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances. Unmanaged or poorly managed conflicts generate a breakdown in trust and lost productivity. For small businesses, where success often hinges on the cohesion of a few people, loss of trust and productivity can signal the death of the business. With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.

Accommodating

The accommodating strategy essentially entails giving the opposing side what it wants. The use of accommodation often occurs when one of the parties wishes to keep the peace or perceives the issue as minor. For example, a business that requires formal dress may institute a “casual Friday” policy as a low-stakes means of keeping the peace with the rank and file. Employees who use accommodation as a primary conflict management strategy, however, may keep track and develop resentment.

Avoiding

The avoidance strategy seeks to put off conflict indefinitely. By delaying or ignoring the conflict, the avoider hopes the problem resolves itself without a confrontation. Those who actively avoid conflict frequently have low esteem or hold a position of low power. In some circumstances, avoiding can serve as a profitable conflict management strategy, such as after the dismissal of a popular but unproductive employee. The hiring of a more productive replacement for the position soothes much of the conflict.

Collaborating

Collaboration works by integrating ideas set out by multiple people. The object is to find a creative solution acceptable to everyone. Collaboration, though useful, calls for a significant time commitment not appropriate to all conflicts. For example, a business owner should work collaboratively with the manager to establish policies, but collaborative decision-making regarding office supplies wastes time better spent on other activities..

Compromising

The compromising strategy typically calls for both sides of a conflict to give up elements of their position in order to establish an acceptable, if not agreeable, solution. This strategy prevails most often in conflicts where the parties hold approximately equivalent power. Business owners frequently employ compromise during contract negotiations with other businesses when each party stands to lose something valuable, such as a customer or necessary service.

Competing

Competition operates as a zero-sum game, in which one side wins and other loses. Highly assertive personalities often fall back on competition as a conflict management strategy. The competitive strategy works best in a limited number of conflicts, such as emergency situations. In general, business owners benefit from holding the competitive strategy in reserve for crisis situations and decisions that generate ill-will, such as pay cuts or layoffs.

Article By,
Eric Dontigney as Appeared on www.smallbusiness.chron.com

Why Employee Conflict Is A Good Thing

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Have you dealt with conflict amongst your team lately? If not then you should be concerned.

You see too often leaders try to stop conflict that exists amongst their employees, but the reality is conflict is a natural outcome when putting a diverse group of employees together. In fact there are numerous benefits to employee conflict if it’s managed correctly. Watch the brief video below to learn more. 
Please be sure to subscribe to Shawn’s YouTube channel for more strategies on how to improve your business success.

© Shawn Casemore 2016. All rights reserved.

Working with Difficult People

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By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Who is the most difficult person you work with? Does it feel to you like they spend each evening plotting and planning on how to ruin the next day for you? Does it drain your energy just thinking about this person? You’re not alone. It seems that every one of us has a ‘difficult to deal with’ person in our life. They take a lot of energy just to ignore, and many of us wish they would just go away. If you can identify with this scenario, finish the rest of this sentence: “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…”

What is you ‘if’?

Now go back and look at what you wrote. Is your answer dependant on them doing something to change? Why do you think they would be willing to change to make your life easier? You’re right, they won’t. So how are we going to be more effective when working with this person? There are three things that you can change.

1-      The System. Perhaps this person is difficult because they are a ‘stick to the rules’ kind of person and you aren’t. It can be very frustrating to you and that this person is so stuck on the system you don’t agree with. If you could just change the system it would make your life a lot easier, don’t you think? Of course, changing the system is an extremely time intensive proposition with no guarantee of any success. There are people, like Erin Brockovich for example, who are able to change the system but most people decide that the effort does not equal the payoff. If this is your situation, you may choose to avoid trying to change the system. I’m not saying that it won’t work – I am saying that it will take a lot of your time and efforts before you see any dividends. It may be easier to take another approach with your difficult person.

2-      The Other Person. You’ve probably heard the old cliché, “If you plan on changing your spouse when you get married, it makes for a very interesting first marriage.” It’s not so easy to change the other person because there is no incentive for them to change. Why should they? What they are doing is currently working just fine, isn’t it? Consider a co-worker that listens to his music at a very loud volume. He likes I that loud, it helps him drown out all the other noise in the office. You despise the type of music he listens to, and it is far too loud for you to concentrate. You’ve asked your co-worker to turn it down every day for the past three months and it has now escalated into an all-out war between the two of you. You are trying to get your difficult person to see that his music is too loud and you cannot concentrate. You are trying to change his perspective on the volume. Why should he turn it down? He likes it just the way it is. Trying to change the other person is often like hitting your head against a brick wall; it just doesn’t work very well. There is no incentive for the other person to take your perspective.

3-      You. Of course, you do have one hundred percent control of what you do. You could try to change your perspective on the situation. Let’s assume that your difficult person is Mary, and Mary loves to complain about the company you work for. She says things like, “they don’t appreciate us”, “I’m doing all the work around here and never get any recognition”, and “this is an old boys club and women will never get in senior management positions”. Basic whining and moaning, all the time, day in and day out. At first, you agreed with some of the things she said, and occasionally got pulled into the negativity yourself. After a while you realized how destructive this was to your attitude and you tried to convince Mary that she was wrong. This, of course, just intensified the situation and the negativity seemed to get worse. You’ve probably moved into the same ‘zone’ that many of us do when confronted with Mary – saying “You’re right, this is a terrible place to work”, hoping that your agreement will make her go away faster.

Did it work? Not really. What Mary wants is attention and acknowledgment. You are giving her both of those things. We need to change what we are doing to get a different result.

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got”

You’ve heard that before, and it is completely true. If we want to change the way Mary is acting, we need to change what we are doing, and not give her what she wants. People are difficult because they are getting something out of the deal. They may be getting attention, agreement or even success because of it (think of aggressive drivers). If we want them to do something different (remember the opening question?) then we need to DO something different.

The next time Mary says “I hate this company”, don’t argue with her or agree with her, give her what she doesn’t want (agreement, attention, etc.) and say something like “I LOVE working her!” Don’t worry about if you agree with what you are saying or not, give her something other than what she wants. She wants to complain. She wants to be negative. Don’t give her what she wants.

This will work! Sometimes a lot of work too, especially if you happen to be in a negative mood that day and agree with her. Don’t give into the temptation. Be 100% consistent in this approach. For two weeks this will be very difficult for you. I promise that if you are consistent and not give Mary what she wants, then she will change her behaviour.

The next time you are asked the question “I would be more effective working with my difficult person if…” the right answer lies within you. You can change what is happening with that person. It takes time, effort, persistence and patience.

The result is worth the effort!

5 Signs You Might Be A Bully

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. –  George Carlin

In a Peanuts cartoon Lucy demanded that Linus change TV channels, threatening him with her fist if he didn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus.

“These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this in a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.”

“Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”

While good organization is needed and commended in your office and place of business – bullying isn’t.

In trying to understand the rise in workplace bullying Shana Lebowitz wrote a piece in USA Today (http://usat.ly/1fYbxKB) and pointed out that according to a 2011 survey half of the employees said they were treated rudely at least once a week. Many said the experience of bullying had caused them to develop health issues such as anxiety and depression. Some had even left their jobs.

Bullying is a serious concern on many levels. Much has been written about being a victim of bullying, but not enough about or to the bullies. Bullying is an unfortunate issue that leaders must recognize and deal with.

Some people may pass off their bullying behavior with “it’s just my personality” not realizing that the person on the other end sees it quite different. What are some of the common bullying behaviors? What are some of the warning signs to look for? Here are five for your consideration.

You are oblivious to your meanness.

It may not be overtly intentional (although it might) but the words you choose and the way you vocalize them can rub others the wrong way. While you may feel you are only expressing the truth as you understand it, it’s not what you say but how you say it that leaves the lasting impression. Choose your words carefully and verbalize them with discretion.

You are a master manipulator.

You work behind the scenes and attempt to orchestrate things in your favor or desired outcome. It may be to freeze someone else out or get what you want by pitting one person or group against another. This type of behavior drives wedges and destroys trust. The philosophy is driven by a jealousy that says if you can’t get what you want then neither will the other person.

You are a gossip and a busybody.

While you may think you are just keeping up with the latest office news you might want to stop and consider the consequences. There is no virtue in gossiping about others and being up in everyone else’s business. If you can’t be trusted not to interfere with other people’s personal business what gives you the right to believe you can be trusted with company business?

You are a control freak.

Similar in style to the manipulator your objective is not so much about the performance of others as it is control. You are overbearing with expectations and demands and it’s simply a way to throw your weight around. If you are a leader who is displaying this type of behavior you only have a following because of your title and nothing more.

You are two-faced.

This is a common characteristic of a bully. You pretend to be one thing in public but are something else in private. You confide to a colleague in private and cut their legs out from under them in public. The end game is that it’s all about you and people are pawns.

Now that a few bullying behaviors have been identified it’s time for some honest evaluation. Have you in the past or are you now displaying any of the above mentioned behaviors? Do you notice that people tend to avoid you at work? Have you taken stock of how you treat others and look for ways to improve your people skills? Would you consider asking for help in identifying areas that need improvement?

Until you take ownership of a bullying past or present then being a bully will likely be a part of your future. Take steps now to stop it. You have a lot to lose if you don’t and everything to gain if you get it right.

What do you say?

 

© 2013 Doug Dickerson

If you enjoy reading Doug’s leadership insights you will especially enjoy reading his books, Leaders Without Borders & Great Leaders Wanted. Visit Doug’s website at www.dougsmanagementmoment.blogspot.com to order your copies today!

The upside to workplace conflict (by Victor Lipman)

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Two serious business womenWhile most people dislike and avoid conflict at work, it can also have tangible benefits. I was thinking about this subject lately, as I was being interviewed about “Managing Conflict at Work” for the Matt Townsend radio program – and I was consistently pushing toward the negative in our conversation, as he was consistently pushing toward the positive.

The discussion made me view workplace conflict in a slightly different light, and the more I began to consider it, the more I began to see certain beneficial aspects.

As most everyone who has worked knows, it’s a fertile breeding ground for conflict. Compensation, recognition, feelings of personal worth, team dynamics… all of these (and conservatively about a thousand more) are subjects that easily yield conflict. As a manager, I often used to feel: Conflict is the currency of management.

Though conflict is usually at least temporarily unpleasant, it’s by no means all bad; in fact it can also be the pathway to something better. In that spirit, here are four tangible upsides:

You learn not to be a conflict avoider – As a manager, this is a critical skill. There’s so darn much conflict, you can’t do your job effectively without confronting it directly. And there’s a useful carryover to life outside management. How many personal relationships founder on conflict that is unexpressed, ignored or outright destructive? Learning not to avoid conflict but to manage it constructively pays generous dividends – well beyond the business environment.

Dirty laundry gets aired and (at least sometimes) clean – Conflict among individuals and teams force contentious issues into the light of day. Rather than festering below the surface, where subtle grievances and badwill undermine both personal performance and group dynamics, conflict that is openly aired has at least a (fighting) chance of being resolved. Generally a better outcome for all parties than lingering resentment

It can spur innovation – Constructive resolutions of workplace conflict can become a pathway to improvement. A study I recently came across, conducted in 2008 by the organizational development firm CPP, concluded that “increased innovation and higher performance” can be a substantive benefit. This is not completely surprising, as open workplace conflict produces bursts of activity, and increased activity can yield innovative results.

Worst enemies can end up best friends (or at least colleagues who speak to each other) – The best way I can illustrate this is anecdotally. As a manager, I developed what I thought was a reasonably creative tactic: When personal conflicts between two individuals on my teams became too intense, I gave the two of them free lunch passes and forced them to have lunch together. No one else could be present, so all they could do was talk, face to face, and (hopefully) communicate. How did this work out? I only did it a few times (I came upon the idea in the latter stages of my management career), but the results were generally positive. In these situations conflicts were diminished, and the employees involved became civil colleagues if not exactly “bffs.”

Net-net, this is naturally not meant to conclude workplace conflict is mostly positive. It would be naïve not to acknowledge that it’s painful, destructive, disruptive and costly to individuals and organizations. But if we view conflict as an inevitable element of human interaction at work, and we attempt to constructively manage it rather than avoid or eliminate it, that’s a first step to making its considerable energy work for us rather than against us.

You can follow Victor on Twitter for management-related news, tips and articles.

 

Yes, Adults Can Be Cyberbullied. In the Workplace.

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bullying at work

Has one of your coworkers posted a malicious comment about you on Twitter or threatened you on chat or in an email? You aren’t alone. Bullying is an epidemic affecting an estimated 54 million American workers, according to a study conducted by Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention. A Zogby International poll found that half of the American workforce has either experienced or witnessed bullying at work.

What is Cyberbullying

While workplace bullying can be defined as verbal abuse, conduct that threatens or intimidates an employee and sabotage, cyberbullying has potential to be even more hurtful. It’s easier, because the attacker doesn’t have to see the victim face to face; there are a variety of different attack methods, and it’s anonymous. Some forms of cyberbullying include hateful, threatening emails, offensive content like explicit images and jokes, copying electronic communications to a group to publicly shame an individual, sharing embarrassing photos of an individual and social media gossip.

Social Media

Facebook and Twitter often serve as platforms that allow cyberbullies to slander, demean and harass their coworkers outside of the office. For example, estranged partners often turn to social media to expose personal photos or sensitive emails between the two in order to gain the upper hand.

Prevention

Why is cyberbullying so prevalent? In this competitive workforce, demeaning others’ values, identity or work performance builds them up (in their eyes) to gain professional stature.

But there is no room for cyberbullying in the workplace. It demotivates employees, reduces productivity and causes absenteeism. If the victim feels safe enough, he should have a face-to-face conversation with the cyberbully. Sometimes, it could be that what he took offensively was not meant to be; we all work with people who are difficult, but mean no real harm.

Communication is a powerful tool that can easily save business relationships (and personal relationships too, of course). A fierce conversation sets the stage for change, promotes collaboration, improves decision making, deepens accountability and strengthens relationships while tackling tough issues.

If you can’t resolve the issue on your own, talk to someone from the human resources department or a manager. Most businesses have a code of conduct policy and hopefully, with the growing epidemic of bullying at the workplace, a specific section is dedicated to the problem in the employee handbook.

Don’t Suffer

If the bully is persistent, block his or her phone number (it’s usually free) and block them on your social networking sites. Speak to your work’s IT department, as well, to block incoming emails, or change your email address.

Cyberbullying can lead to other avenues of harassment. If your personal information is being broadcast online, it could get worse. With the smallest amount of information, identity thieves can get into your accounts and wipe you out before you know what hit you. Visit LifeLock on Facebook to see horror stories of data breaches and how an identity thief can ruin your life.

What is Workplace Bullying And How Does it Affect People?

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Workplace bullying is like bullying on the playground except that it occurs in the workplace.

It usually involves verbal comments and incidents that are intended to hurt, harass, isolate, intimidate, or humiliate a person. It is not new but has become what some have called a silent epidemic because it is happening frequently but isn’t always reported.

It is estimated that as many as one in every six workers is bullied at work and it occurs more frequently than sexual harassment. Bullying creates a horrible, hostile and poisonous work environment that leads to severe problems.

Bullying can be obvious and subtle and may take the form of any one or more of these behaviours:

  • spreading malicious, untrue rumours, gossip, or innuendoesTwo serious business women
  • excluding or isolating someone
  • intimidating a person
  • undermining or interfering with a person’s work
  • threatening
  • restricting former responsibilities
  • changing work requirements
  • setting impossible deadlines
  • withholding information
  • providing erroneous information
  • making offensive jokes
  • pestering, spying or stalking
  • not providing sufficient work
  • swearing, yelling or being rude
  • constant unwarranted criticism
  • blocking applications for training, leave, awards or promotion

It is very important to understand that the people who are bullied are not to blame. The victims or targets are usually highly competent, accomplished, experienced and popular. The reason why they have been singled out for this upsetting and unfair treatment is due to the needs and personalities of the persons who are doing the bullying.

Ken Westhues, a sociologist at the University of Waterloo is survivor of academic mobbing (bullying in universities) and has become a recognized expert. He has developed this checklist of indicators.

  1. By standard criteria of job performance, the target is at least average, probably above average.
  2. Rumours and gossip circulate about the target’s misdeeds: “Did you hear what she did last week?”
  3. The target is not invited to meetings or voted onto committees, is excluded or excludes self.
  4. Collective focus on a critical incident that “shows what kind of person they really are”.
  5. Shared conviction that the target needs some kind of formal punishment, “to be taught a lesson”.
  6. Unusual timing of the decision to punish apart from the annual performance review.
  7. Emotion-laden, defamatory rhetoric about the target in oral and written communications.
  8. Formal expressions of collective negative sentiment toward the target. A vote of censure, signatures on a petition, meeting to discuss what to do about the target.
  9. High value on secrecy, confidentiality, and collegial solidarity among the bullies.
  10. Loss of diversity of argument, so that it becomes dangerous to speak up for or defend the target.
  11. Adding up the target’s real or imagined venial sins to make a mortal sin that cries for action.
  12. The target is seen as personally abhorrent with no redeeming qualities; stigmatizing, exclusionary labels are applied.
  13. Disregard of established procedures as the bullies take matters into their own hands.
  14. Resistance to independent outside review of sanctions imposed on the target.
  15. Outraged response to any appeals for outside help the target may make.
  16. Bullies’ fear of violence from target, target’s fear of violence from bullies, or both.

How Does It Affect People?

The target of bullying may suffer from or experience a great number of symptoms all of which result from his or her treatment at work. The events taking place in the workplace are bad enough and very upsetting, but they can also lead to a number of physical, mental, emotional, social and financial problems.

Don’t be alarmed by the list that follows. Victims do not suffer from all of these things but they could encounter any of them.

  • Weight gain
  • Cancer
  • Heart attacks
  • A stress-induced illness
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Low motivation
  • Memory difficulties
  • Learning difficulty
  • Increased fear
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Desire for revenge
  • Depression
  • Anxiety disorders
  • Loss of confidence
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder
  • Career loss
  • Social difficulties
  • Social isolation
  • Separation
  • Divorce
  • Lowered sex drive
  • Suicide
  • Shock
  • Increased feelings of frustration
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • A sense of vulnerability
  • Loss of appetite
  • Sleep disorders
  • Headaches
  • Stomach upsets
  • Family tensions

 

AUTHOR INFO

John Towler is the author of How to Cope with Workplace Bullying which can be purchased online. Dr. Towler is a Senior Partner with Creative Organizational Design, a management consulting firm that specializes in employee testing and surveys. The firm has a test for everything and can test for salespeople, preselection, customer service, management skills etc. They design, administer and score a variety of surveys including attitude, customer service, marketing and web site popularity. Please send comments to Dr. Towler at jotowler@gmail.com. For more information call (519) 745 0142 or visit their web site at www.creativeorgdesign.com.

Back Stabbing CoWorker

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It seems that unprofessional adults can be found in every workplace. Sometimes it is so outrageous that it must be deal with instead of just tolerated or ignored.

Imagine you had a coworker that was the type of person that pretended they were the boss’ friend. Your coworker was super nice to the boss when she was around, but the minute her back was turned, your coworker turned into the most negative, anti-boss supporter you’ve ever met. Constant criticism, blatant disrespect and very unprofessional.

What do you do?

Backstabbing is one of the most undesirable traits that anyone can possess. Fortunately, we were given the ability to decipher what is right from wrong and the choice to backstab or not to backstab is an easy one for most of us. But what to do when you just observe it?

To start, do not entertain any conversation that will lead to badmouthing about your boss. Don’t agree, don’t nod your head, don’t mmm mmm, don’t smile. Guilt by association is very real, so you want to make sure that you just don’t tolerate this.

Perhaps you need to walk away in the middle of the sentence, with a clear message that says you will not participate in this conversation at all.

Maybe you need to vocally defend your boss (regardless if you agree or not with what your coworker is saying, it is the right thing to do), by saying something like “I like working with her”  or “I don’t agree at all.”

If you really wanted to show your displeasure, say “Would you say this if she were here right now? Then why are you saying it now? It is unprofessional.”   You can expect that conversation will stop in a hurry. You can also expect that subsequent conversation will be about you too (but at least you are aware of it!).

Running and telling the boss is a tactic I wouldn’t recommend. You could look like a tattletale and take the brunt of the attack as well. Racing to Human Resources would offer the same advice from me.

Deal with the unprofessional coworker. Deal with it quickly, without a smile, and with a very clear message that you will not participate.

Do you work with a “Chatty Cathy”?

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Chatty Cathy

Do you work with chatty coworkers? Not just the friendly, conversational type, but the type that never stop talking? Ever? You are not alone! We have all encountered an overly talkative colleague who always seems to catch us just as we are leaving for lunch (or the bathroom)! Here are some good ways to deal with a “Chatty Cathy” in the workplace.

1.  Be consistent. It doesn’t make sense for one day for you to fully participate with Chatty Cathy, and the next day ignore her. If you are not consistent about needing to get back to work and limiting the amount of chatter you do participate in, you could be sending mixed messages. No wonder she wants to chat – she thinks that today you might want to as well.

2.  Be honest! If you are heading to the copier and your chit-chatter is stalking you to regale you with another story…be honest!  Let them know that you really do have a lot of work that needs to get done, and you need to concentrate on what you are doing. You may not be received with a smile, but the chatting offender will think twice before trying it again.

3.  Be patient. Try to remember that work is an environment where everyone has to function as a unit. Dealing with chatty coworkers can be as simple as being kindly patient and gently helping them understand you need to get to your work. This person may only be trying to befriend you and nervously chats to make conversation as a show of friendship.

4.  Be firm. If you have tried everything else and you still can’t seem to get work done because of the chatter, let them know that they really have to stop chatting so much. In today’s world, productivity is a great deal of your yearly evaluation. If a coworker is diminishing your productivity, that can lead to an unfavorable evaluation of your work. The majority of people will understand if it is phrased that you are concerned that you may not be as productive if chatting continues.

5. Be polite. You don’t need to imply that they clearly have no work to do, nor that your work is more important. Rudeness is not necessary, so remember to smile, say please and thank you and respect your Chatty Cathy while you are limiting the conversation. You don’t have to like her, but you do need to be polite.

And finally, be sure to evaluate your own actions. Perhaps you are approached by your chatty coworker, because generally you are chatty too. Be careful of labeling others of something you may be guilty of.

Tips for Managing Negative Coworkers

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You know that one of  the most frustrating aspects of working in an office environment can be dealing with negative coworkers. These coworkers can cause a great deal of frustration without rea

Avoid Negativity

lizing they’re doing it. For them, it may just be venting but for you it becomes a constant stream of negativity that can make life miserable. What can you do when faced with this kind of distraction?
Walk Away

Negative coworkers can really sap your energy, leaving you feel like you’ve been beat up just because they couldn’t stop complaining all day! Even if you have an entire arsenal of tools with which

to combat the negativity, you really need to take time for yourself. Pepper your day with regular breaks that allow you to have some breathing room. Take a walk around the building or simply head off to the break room for a change of scenery. If possible, try to take your break outside so you can combine your need to get away with a little bit of sun and some fresh air. You’ll be amazed at how refreshing these little breaks can be, and how much you start to depend on them. Treat yourself – you deserve it!
Turn It Around

Whenever possible, turn the negative comments or attitudes around with a positive version. For every negative bit of reasoning your coworker tosses out, counter with something positive. Every

situation, no matter how dire, has a thread of positive you can knit into a ray of light in the gloom. If your coworker specializes in complaints, help him by suggesting solutions. Sometimes people become so downtrodden by problems that they forget to resolve them.

Stay On the Move
When all else fails, keep moving. If your negative coworkers tend to find and corner you at your desk, this tip is especially important for you. A moving target is harder to hit. Keep files on hand that you need to copy or deliver to another coworker. when your negative friend shows up at your desk yet again, take your mobile task and go. You can avoid sounding rude by letting him know that you simply must deliver the paperwork or make copies before you forget.

Difficult People Can Be Overcome

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There are many types of difficult people. They come in all shapes and sizes. Difficult people hold many different social and economical status.  Difficult people make things…well…difficult.

If any one person seeks to alienate, divide, belittle, or in general make a hostile work environment, or makes you dread going to work, they may qualify as a difficult person. They could be a bully, or it could be just a personality clash. Regardless, there are certain things you must do.

First, take away the power they have over you.  At the moment, they have control, and you need to get back in charge (for you).

You need to document all paper, e-mails, or vocal exchanges.  Suffering, tolerating or ignoring any type of workplace bullying will get you nowhere except in a hospital.

One option you have is to rationally speak with the offender, keeping anger and reactionary response out of it.  Mull things over, sleep on it, and talk with co-workers, friends, and family to ensure you’re not being rash.

The difficult person in question will probably talk with others as well and possibly turn others against you. Take your concerns to a higher position, with facts and documentation, (proving you have integrity, respect, and genuine appreciation for your job and other people).

Difficult people can make us disgruntled and leave us feeling disposable.  Often times this particular difficult person has lashed out at others, (you are often not the only victim).

“Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men” General George S Patton, Jr

Customarily difficult people have issues of their own and for whatever reason makes them feel better to demean and chastise people that are weaker or are a threat to them. It is in you to regain the power to create your own quality of life.

Let your management know that you want to achieve the goals of your organization, for it is through teamwork and shared goals, principles, and values, that your organization will be able to succeed!

What are you afraid of?

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Emotions are not your friend when they rule your interactions with your difficult person.  You need to be black and white, focused on the facts, calm, cool and collected. You will have no problem dealing with issues that you are not emotional about (because you don’t care), but as soon as you “care” you will have a problem dealing with the situation.

It is in your best interest to NOT respond nor react when you are being ruled by your emotions.

Take time out.  Be sure to arrange a follow up with your difficult person when you can get some perspective, when you can be calm, focused and professional.

You are emotional for a reason.  Are you being ruled by fear? What are you afraid of? If so, figure out what is at the root of that fear, and see what you can do to work around it (are you afraid you’ll lose your job, the boss won’t like you, that you’ll look stupid?). Your fear will probably not be rational. But once you can identify the fear, then you can deal with it.

Your emotions will be easier to handle when there is understanding.

So, what are you afraid of?

After the confrontation

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After the confrontation
‘Pretending’ is a valid way to begin the healing process.

When we think about a confrontation, we think about handling the situation, and we tend not to think any further than that. We assume that once we work up the nerve to confront the other person, everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, that won’t necessarily ever happen, and certainly it won’t happen immediately.

“Karen” and I had a major disagreement professionally and a confrontation to go along with it. We both got very emotional and the situation actually got to the point where mediation was required.

In the years that followed, Karen became very good at avoiding me. She stopped attending events where she knew I would be. While our disagreement was technically over, she was unable to handle the tension that followed and preferred to avoid me altogether.

I can completely relate to her approach, and in fact I have done exactly the same thing recently. I had a confrontation in my personal life that ended up in a win-lose situation. I felt that I had lost; I had not gotten what I had wanted from the situation.

This resulted in residual anger within me which caused me to avoid “John” and his wife “Jennifer” at any events we would both be attending. I backed out of events, I went the long way around rooms, and I even showed up late so I wouldn’t have to chat with them. These dodges worked well for me, and I assumed it was the best way to deal with the situation until my emotion tapered off, taking the tension along with it.

Originally, my confrontation and tension were with John. However, since most people confide in others, creating camps, he naturally confided in his wife. The tension in the relationship was no longer between John and myself; Jennifer was now part of the awkward situation.

Although this happened some time ago, it created a very high level of tension in my life for quite some time. While I practiced avoidance, John and Jennifer were downright dismissive of me. If I was unable to avoid meeting them, they would look the other way, pretend to be speaking to someone else, or look right through me as if I wasn’t there. At one point, we all descended from opposite elevators at the same time, and I felt invisible. Even though I wasn’t ready to breach our relationship gap, I pretended everything was fine and said “Hello,” hoping to start a brief, yet friendly, conversation. They didn’t acknowledge me. Not surprisingly, this caused increased tension and downright anger on my part.

Pretending
Pretence, like avoidance and dismissal, is a way of dealing with interpersonal tension. Although pretending is not easy, it is useful to get your dysfunctional conflict to a place where you can pretend that everything is fine.

That’s where I am with one of my family members. Our disagreement has existed for years. However, once or twice a year, I am in a family situation where we both pretend that we get along. We never speak of the situation that caused our initial tension. We no longer feel the need to force each other to admit she was wrong. We are polite and friendly, and although it is completely superficial, it is the right way for us to handle the tension from our previous confrontation.

Back to Karen
After several years of avoiding me, my professional colleague, Karen, finally attended an event. I didn’t want our fractured relationship to spiral downward any further. Our confrontation was over, and it was time to move on. I found Karen and asked if we could have coffee to talk about things. She agreed. It was a risky move on my part, and I don’t regret it at all. I took the high road. Enough time had passed so that I no longer wanted Karen to avoid me. I needed to pretend initially in the conversation, to at least start the talking. Fortunately, she didn’t dismiss me the way John and Jennifer had.

The next time we have coffee, I am sure we will have the requisite ‘weather’ conversation (pretending) until we can comfortably speak about what happened, agree to no longer avoid, and move on to a new level in our relationship.

Avoidance
Avoidance is procrastination. Tension will not go away if it is forever avoided. You need to get to the point where you can move to ‘pretend’ mode.

Dismissal
Dismissal is continuing to fight. There will be no winners, only scars that last a lifetime and potentially escalate to a higher level of confrontation in the future. With the dismissal I felt from John and Jennifer the tension instantly built again. While I was willing (even if not ready) to ‘pretend’ that all was well, I was angry at the disrespect I felt from them.

I’ve moved back into avoidance mode with John and Jennifer until I feel I can move into pretend mode. Until John and Jennifer are ready to do the same thing, the residual tension will continue to exist and make pretending much harder in the future. Perhaps it will never happen, but since I don’t intend to live with this tension forever, I will continue to put myself on-the-right-track by dealing with this negative emotion.

Pretending is by definition artificial, but it is a valid first step to recovery.

It is never easy to repair relationships. There are times when it isn’t necessary, because you will never encounter that person again. There are other times when you must move yourself into pretend mode as you will consistently encounter this person. Although it is uncomfortable to pretend, at least pretence, unlike avoidance or dismissal, gets you to a place where you can attempt to repair the relationship.

I survived

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You will survive

I’ve watched the TLC program I Survived a few times lately. Amazing stories of survival, amazing people in life-threatening situations.

People can survive the most amazing things. As I watch the show, I am amazed at people’s will to survive, their will to overcome, their determination to not let their attacker (whether that be another person, an animal or nature) take them down.

At the end of the show, they always explain how they survived. Sometimes it is their faith, sometimes it is their children and sometimes it is simply in their nature to fight against what is trying to end their life.

How much will do you have to “survive” at work? How much determination, how much perseverance and how much desire do you have to survive the things that get thrown at you professionally?

We’ve all had to deal with difficult people at work. We often work with people we don’t like and sometimes we work with people who don’t like us. Whether it is jealousy, insecurity or personality differences, there are people in the workplace who take the fun out of our jobs.

Statistically, two out of three adults do not like their jobs. We stay in jobs we don’t love because we need the money, we need the benefits or it suits our lifestyle. We sometimes leave jobs we do love because of the people. (Fifty-four million Americans have been bullied at work.)

Sometimes we feel trapped and are unable to leave our job—perhaps due to the economy or other factors. We may be unable to find comparable employment elsewhere.

Very few people feel that if they lost their current job, they would be able to get similar employment at the same salary. Is that you? Do you feel trapped in your current role or company? Are you in a situation in which you feel you need to survive?

So how can you do it? How can you make your will to endure stronger than that of the bully? How can you continue to work in a job where the people make your life miserable? How can you go to work each day where you are treated without respect? How can you survive?

1.     Don’t Give Up. In I Survived, the common element of all the stories is the focus on survival. The people never give up. They refuse to let their circumstances get the better of them.

  • So maybe we need to focus on surviving whatever crisis we are in. Maybe we are keeping the job we don’t love because we need the benefits for right now. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. It is just for right now. We often tend to look too far into the future and say, “I can’t do this for the rest of my life.” Okay, so let’s not worry about the rest of your life, and say “I can do this for this week,” and so on.

2.     Stay in Control. When you let others control you, you’re writing your own death sentence. You need to continue to make the choices that keep you in control.

  • Each situation in life presents you with choices. You can choose to accept that this is the way things are, you can choose to give up (see #1), you can leave the situation, or you can choose to change the situation.
  • Accepting it means it no longer causes you stress; you emotionally detach yourself from the situation. You stop caring. Once you have disengaged emotionally from the situation, it no longer has control over you. That’s easy to say, but hard to do.
  • You can leave the situation. Leave the job, leave the relationship. It will likely come at a cost to you, but once you have decided that you’re willing to pay the cost, you can be in control. You survived by leaving the job, relationship or situation.
  • You can change the situation. Create a strategy (see #4) wherein you can continue to keep your job and still be in control.

3.     Don’t Become a Victim. Maybe the person has the authority to fire you, to ruin your reputation or to make your life much, much worse than it is now. That doesn’t mean you need to be their victim. Don’t allow your difficult person that much space in your life. Refuse to become their victim. Be aware of what they can or cannot do, but stop yourself from the negativity that becoming a victim perpetuates.

4.     Change the situation. Create a strategy that will allow you to keep your job, keep your sanity and allow you to survive the situation. Plan your actions one day at a time (one hour at a time if appropriate). Let your strategy be your secret weapon to survival.

As I watch I Survived I am riveted to the television, wondering how on earth the person was able to overcome his experiences. I am sure that during his ordeal he also wondered how he was going to survive, but because he wanted to or needed to, he was able to overcome what seemed like insurmountable odds.

I hope you are thinking that this information doesn’t apply to you. I am hoping you will never need to go back into the archives to read about survival strategies.

But if this article is speaking directly to you, keep the faith that in the end, you too will survive.

Keep on-the-right-track with your fight and be a survivor, too.

Email + Difficult Person = Trouble!

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“Can you read this over to make sure it sounds okay?”  We’ve done that haven’t we?  Don’t.

If there is tension in a relationship, the desire to turn to email is overwhelming.  i realize that we want a paper trail, we want to avoid our difficult person, and we want to ensure that we are not part of the problem.

The problem is email itself.  You may have written an email that sounds perfect to you, but you aren’t the other person!  If there is a way to read it the wrong way, that is pretty much what is going to happen.

The tension in your relationship is causing the person to read your email with a “tone” of voice that you potentially weren’t intending to put in the message.  They heard it anyway.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it is about perception.  Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.

If you can, go over and speak to your difficult person. be prepared and stick to your “script”.  Follow up the meeting with an email summary, but don’t have the conversation on email.

If a live conversation is just too much to expect, then have the conversation over the telephone.  Worst case scenario, call their voice mail and leave the message.

Email is guaranteed to make it worse.

Putting a stop to email bullying

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Don't have confrontations on email

Bullying has been getting a lot of press lately. In a recent Zogby International study, 54 million Americans say they have been attacked by bullies at work. That is an astounding number.

The definition of bullying is activity that is unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to harm the victim. It is persistent, prolonged and it happens over a period of time.

What we’ve seen is a change in the way people are handling confrontation. Many people are uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so email confrontation is increasing astronomically. People are clearly not uncomfortable with email confrontation.

I’ve recently seen several cases of email bullying. I’m willing to bet that the person involved in the email confrontation was not aware that she was being unfair, humiliating, potentially malicious or vindictive. I’m willing to bet that these people thought they were handing the situation clearly and in a businesslike manner.

That was not the case.

To begin with, confrontation should not be handled via email.

I realize that given the choice, it’s easier to have a confrontation via email rather than face-to-face. It gives us the opportunity to choose our words carefully, and to be very clear and unemotional. It also gives us a valuable paper trail so we don’t have to rely on “he said–she said” afterthought.

So I realize that sometimes these tense conversations are held via email. As much as I advise you not to do that, it does sometimes still happen. If so, here’s what not to do: add someone else to the conversation.

If it is a conversation between you and another person, don’t include others; don’t add anyone to the cc: field. Especially don’t add anyone to the bcc: field, (which includes others in the conversation without the receiver being aware of it). If you are having an issue with one person, don’t bring others into it without permission. That is unfair and potentially humiliating.

A client I’ve been coaching was having an email dialogue with a contractor in another time zone. Things got heated and unexpectedly, several VPs and senior directors from my client’s firm were added to the conversation. My client felt ganged up on; he felt that adding his executives to the discussion was unfair to him. It was certainly humiliating and he felt that his contractor was trying to harm his professional reputation.

That is bullying. Would the bully do this again? Potentially, as it probably worked well for him.

The bully in my example would have defended his position by saying that the senior team needed to be brought into the conversation. While that justification might be accurate, shouldn’t the other party be aware, and agree to that? The bully gave my client no choice.

Be careful you’re not bullying someone on email without being aware of it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Would you feel that it was unfair, humiliating, malicious, vindictive and intended to hurt you?

If you’ve ever called a co-worker over to read an email to make sure it sounds okay, don’t send it. I guarantee the tone you are hoping it is read in is not the tone that it will be read in. Pick up the phone or go speak to the individual in person, but don’t handle the conversation via email if there is another option.

And if you are being bullied via email, stop the conversation immediately. Pick up the phone. Find a way to speak to the person using any medium other than email. Take control so your bully cannot continue to bully you.

Help Me Rhonda? Where to meet?

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Help Me Rhonda!

I’m finally ready to have a confrontation with my co-worker.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Is there a best place to have this meeting?

Help Me Rhonda!

Help Me Rhonda!

Ready-But-Nervous!

Dear Ready-But-Nervous!

Congratulations and being willing to have the confrontation/conversation.  As you know, most people talk themselves out of the final discussion.

There are a few things to keep in mind when scheduling your meeting:
–    Keep it neutral.  You want to meet where you both can be comfortable (as much as the situation allows anyway).  Your office would put you in the drivers seat, and your co-worker might be intimidated.  If you are comfortable with the idea, meeting in his/her office is not bad. If your Human Resources department is involved, the best place would be to meet in their office.  Neutral is important.
o    What you don’t want to do is meet in the office of a “friend/supervisor” who is attending the meeting to support you either. First of all, should they even be there?
– Keep it private. You also don’t want to meet in a public setting where others can overhear your conversation.  If you work in cubicles, this isn’t the place to have the confrontation.  Neither is the coffee room, lunchroom or washroom.

Be sure to close the door and keep your discussion private.  Don’t forget to give them a chance to respond either!

Good luck; sounds like you are on-the-right-track to solution.

Should You Walk Away?

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Last week Bill O’Reilly paid a visit to the set of The View.  In case you haven’t seen the clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25uyFwWPOZg

Bill had a heated discussion with the ladies and said several very inflammatory comments.  Now lets be clear here, Bill O’Reilly enjoys pushing buttons and was probably well aware that his comments were inappropriate, but any publicity is good publicity for a guy like Bill right?

The View

The View

Both Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set.  They were unable to have an adult, logical discussion with Bill and were very upset by his comments.
Once they left Barbara Walters announced that we should be able to have discussions without washing our hands and walking away.

I completely disagree.

When you are dealing with a difficult person (as Bill O’Reillly was for Whoopie and Joy), and they are not willing to have an adult, logical discussion; why should you stay and keep trying?  Will anything be accomplished?

The ladies were emotional, upset and an adult, fair, logical discussion was not going to happen.  Walking away was smart on their part.

It would have been easy to say something that they would regret.  It would have been easy to call him an unprofessional name.  It would have been easy for them to destroy their own credibility.

It was smart to walk away in this situation.

I agree with Barbara that we “should” be able to have discussions without walking away in theory.  In reality, sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can do.

Know when to have a discussion, and know when to walk away.

Dealing with Difficult People Fan Page

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Hi,

I just thought I’d send you a quick note to let you know that I’ve just set up a Facebook Fan Page.

And obviously I think you should join.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself why should I join a “Fan Page,” when I’m already buried in Farmville requests?

Well quite simply, Fan Page is not my term. If I had to choose a better one, it would be “Get Useful Information Via Facebook Page.”

Well maybe not that exact phrase – but you get the point.

So here are the benefits to you:

All my informational outlets (blogs, Twitter, Linkedin and newsletters) are automatically routed to Facebook. So whenever something changes or gets updated, you’ll see that change or update in your news feed when you next log in. You’ll also be able to share it with others or comment directly.

It’s really about bringing everything together in a place where most people already have an account, so that you can get valuable insights and information when it is most convenient to you.

So take a second and “Like” me at this link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dealing-With-Difficult-People/166627780016958

Silence can be golden

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When someone pushes your buttons, the best thing you can do is let their verbal attack hang in the air.  Say  nothing.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.  You’ll continue the conversation later, when you are calmer and so are they.  Take a look at the confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you.  You’re an idiot.  I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re constantly messing up and I don’t want your advice!

Mike: (holds extended, silent eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

The attack seems to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.  Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Take the high road in situations such as this one. It will save you from saying something you’ll regret.

What is a bully?

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Dear Rhonda:  I’m working with someone I think is a bully.  She is mean (like in the movie Mean Girls), she makes fun of me in front of others, and I feel like crying when she comes my way.  My co-workers tell me it is just a personality clash, but I think it is worse.  What is the difference?

Signed, “Back to Grade Three”

Dear “Back to Grade Three”

There is a difference between a personality clash and a bully, and it is important to look objectively at the situation to ensure it really is a bully you are dealing with.  Your approach to a bully requires a little more strategy than a simple confrontation.

Statistically 62% of employers ignore signs and complaints of bullying, stating they are personality issues and they don’t want  to get involved (Zogby study).  That number is far too high, so it is important that before you complain to HR or management, that you’ve done your homework as well.  If you are really dealing with a bully, lets be sure we do what we need to do so our company cannot dismiss it.

Personality clashes are communication style differences.  One person will be very direct, one will be passive.  One person is comfortable with confrontation, one is not.  One person likes attention, and one does not.  Personality differences are often frustrating, but they do not fall into the definition of bullying.  It is perfectly normal to have confrontations based on personality differences, and normally the company doesn’t need to get involved. The company does need to get involved with a bully.

A bully is:

What is a bully?

What is a bully?

–       unfair, humiliating, malicious and vindictive

–       someone who intends to harm the victim

–       is persistent, prolonged and happens over a period of time (and escalates)

–       will likely challenge your physical or mental health, safety and well-being

–       has the power to bully, whether that is real, perceived or sanctioned

Clearly it is more than just being different. The intent to harm is the major difference from my perspective.  What does the bully get from bullying you?  What is their payoff?  Are they trying to cause you harm (professionally, emotionally, or even physically)?  Why?

Emotions & Anger – Bad Combination!

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Anger and emotional situations are not a good combination.

When your emotions are high, your ability to think straight, your ability to follow a plan of action is in danger.

Recently I was in a personal situation where emotions were high. A difficult person in my life was sitting at the table, and she was unable to keep her emotions in check.  She lashed out in anger at me.  It was hurtful, uncalled for and surprised me.  It also instantly made me angry.

I wanted to deal with the situation right then and there. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to be able to say the right thing, and I wanted to hurt her back.

I also knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do all those things and feel good about it.

I said nothing in response.  I knew enough to keep quiet.  I knew that even if I did figure out the perfect thing to say, that Elizabeth wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I might have completely regretted saying what I said.

When emotions are high, take 24 hours to respond.  Take the high road, which is incidentally not very busy.  In those 24 hours it gives you both a chance to cool down, to follow your strategy and to make sure that when you do respond you can feel good about what you do say.  If there are going to be regrets about what was said, it won’t be you.

Just because your difficult person isn’t playing by the rules doesn’t mean we need to stoop to that level too.

You know what they say about fighting pigs? Don’t do it – you both get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

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Christopher

Christopher

Some times the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut, not to fight back and to take the high road.

Christopher is my 18-year-old son, and he has been working his past four summers at a local golf course. He knows what he is doing, has been doing it well (and training others), and the management at the golf course values Christopher.

Two weeks ago, Sam, an “older” gentleman was hired as a favour to the owner.  When I say older, I mean he is in his 60s.  To Christopher, this is the age of his grandfather and certainly someone worth respecting.

Chris was assigned the task of training Sam.  Unfortunately, Sam immediately tried to make changes; tell Chris that he was doing his job wrong, and basically cause quite a bit of tension in what should be a relaxing work environment.  Sam was very verbal, very negative and not at all respectful to his coworkers.  He felt that as the older person in the workplace, he knew better than the young kids he was working with.

Christopher has been keeping his mouth shut (which is hard for my 18-year-old outspoken son) while Sam has been complaining about Chris to everyone.  I’ve been coaching him to not say anything he will regret, and to take the high road.

Yesterday it all paid off for him.  Sam was blasting Chris in a public area (in front of other staff and customers) just when the wife of the owner walked in.  Needless to say, things are different at work today.

I would have been easy for Chris to give as good as Sam did. It certainly would have felt better.  It might have taken years instead of weeks for Sam’s true colours to show (if at all).  It may have caused Christopher a lot of stress in the interim.

It was still the right thing to do.  Chris can think of what he would have liked to say, but he doesn’t have to regret what he did say.  The other staff could see what Sam was doing, and Chris didn’t need to fight back in front of them.  He looks far more professional than the man three times his age.

Sam will be taken care of.  Christopher has no worries on his job.

Take the high road – do the right thing (even if it is difficult).  Plan your strategy, follow your plan, and be proud of your actions when dealing with your difficult person.

Are you breathing?

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Many times we respond (or react) far too quickly when it comes to our Difficult Person.  The tension is high, it has become personal, and even though we often know better, we are quick to respond to a situation.

The next time you are dealing with difficult people, remind yourself to breathe!  Before you say anything, before you do anything, before you continue, take a deep cleansing breath.

It might not completely protect you from responding the wrong way, but it will buy you those precious few seconds where you can remember to bite your tongue, or follow your strategic action plan (and just might save you from saying something you will regret).

 

Are you venting or solution oriented?

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Many times we are more focused on the “Confrontation” than we are the solution.  Do you mistake a confrontation for a vent session?  Do you go into your confrontation (or conversation) with a solution in mind, or are you just trying to vent with your difficult person?

Lets assume the issue is your coworker who is constantly asking you to “cover” for them while they are away from the office.  You’ve done this in the past, but are now uncomfortable with this arrangement and want it to stop. You’ve spoke to your coworker before and told her that you don’t want to continue.  She says OK, but is still disappearing, leaving you to make up excuses or explanations.

You’ve had enough and won’t cover for her anymore as she has pushed you one time to many.  When you approach her to discuss the situation, are you planning on venting on how unprofessional, how unfair she is being to you?  Do you want to explain all the reasons that you shouldn’t be covering for her?  Are you focused on any solution at all?

Instead of venting (although I realize you want to do this), stay focused on the solution – or end result you want.  Tell her that you are uncomfortable (explanation and venting are two different things), and that in the future you will not make excuses, you will simply say you  have no idea where your coworker is.

The solution is where you should be focused, not the venting.  The venting will create more tension, more frustration and no solution.

Keep focused – it will be worth it!

Words are permanent

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Words are dangerous.  Words hurt.  Words can leave scars.  Be very careful what you say when dealing with your difficult person.

It is easy to lash back. It is easy to say things that are meant to hurt in the middle of a confrontation, whether it is intentional or not.  When someone pushes our buttons we often strike back verbally without realizing the dangers of pushing back.  It is so tempting to want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting us.

Don’t.

The best thing you can do is to let a verbal attack hang in the air.  Say nothing at the time.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll ignore it forever.  It means that for now, the conversation is over.

You’ll continue the confrontation/conversation at a later date.  At a date when you are calmer and so are they.

Have a look at a confrontation between co-workers Mike and Steve:

Mike:  Steve, that isn’t the correct way to do that.  Here, let me show you how.

Steve:  I’m not listening to you. You’re an idiot. I can’t believe they haven’t fired you yet.  You’re so stupid and constantly messing up, there is no way I want your advice!

Mike: (Holds extended “silent” eye contact with Steve), says nothing, and walks away.

Can you imagine if you were Mike?  The attack seemed to be uncalled for.  Clearly they have challenges together, and clearly Steve is completely out of line.  What will happen if Mike fights back?  More fighting.  Professionally (and personally) a very volatile and dangerous situation will occur.

Picking your battles is a sign of strength.  The next day Mike can approach Steve about this conversation, but now is not the time.

Try it. It will save you from saying something you regret. Take the high road in situations such as this one.

You need to calm down!

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Calm Down

Calm Down

Doesn’t it drive you around the bend when someone tells you to calm down? That is about the worst thing you could possibly say to a person who has lost their cool. So don’t say it.  Ever.

I can appreciate that sometimes people get out of hand. I can appreciate that in order for us to proceed they are going to need to calm down.  However, telling them to calm down is like throwing grease on the fire – it will just cause a big blow up.

Instead of telling the other person to calm down, perhaps we need to say “I need to take a breather before we continue.  Perhaps we could continue this conversation in 45 minutes.”

I realize that when you are dealing with a client that option is not always available and you must deal with the situation immediately. Continue to speak calmly and with extra care – but don’t tell the other person to calm down!

Keep your own cool, and remind yourself to calm down – but don’t give that advice to an angry and difficult person. It will make matters much worse.  Breathe deeply …. But bite your tongue!

What can we learn from Conan and NBC?

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obrien-cp-getty-94025389It seems that hardly a day goes by without some type of news about all that is going on with The Tonight Show on NBC.  It amazes me that these are professionals who should know better, but they continue to make some very simple mistakes that come with a lot of consequence.

They both need to learn to SHUT UP!  When you have an argument with someone in your workplace, the worst thing you can do is tell everyone else what happened, who said what, who did what etc.

This seems to be the pattern for both Conan and NBC.  Both are thinking they are getting good press for what they are saying in the public.

Both are wrong.  Sadly, they both look juvenile, and I will have a hard time supporting either in the future.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  When something is going wrong, keep your mouth shut. If you need to discuss what is going on, be very careful about who you chat with (they likely will chat with someone else), and what you say.  Take your frustrations to your family, or someone in HR, but not to a coworker, or coworkers!

If either of them had taken the high road, I would have supported them.  In the workplace, I don’t need to take sides, but it would be hard to support someone who was so obviously childish and unprofessional.

Take my advice and keep the information out of the workplace setting.  You will make the situation far worse. I would rather regret that I didn’t say anything than regret telling everyone everything.

Avoidance

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Morgan is putting in our pool in our Florida vacation home.  He is a great guy, fun to chat with, does fantastic work, but he is very difficult to deal with because he is an avoider.

Morgan hates conflict, so he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, which isn’t always the truth.

Avoider

We’ve been having a major problem with final delivery date of the pool.  It was due weeks ago, and the pool is still not done.  Morgan won’t tell us exactly why (although we clearly see that his time management is the issue); instead he avoids the question.  When asked when we can see a completed pool, he will give me a date (like, “next Tuesday”), but when Tuesday arrives, he says, “Well, maybe Thursday.”

Avoider

He avoids saying the truth because he knows that I will be upset.  He avoids facing the issue because he is uncomfortable with confrontation.  He does everything he can to keep the waters calm, to keep me happy and to avoid talking about the why it is late and when it will be ready.

Initially it was very difficult to get angry with him because he was such a nice guy.  After missing the deadline by weeks, it was easier to be angry.

He doesn’t return phone calls.  He doesn’t tell the truth.  He doesn’t want to deal with the situation, which makes him a very difficult person in my eyes.

Is his behaviour intentional?  Partially.  I think he is deliberately not returning my calls because he doesn’t want to discuss the fact the pool is still not done.  When we see him in person, he changes the subject, dances around the issue, and avoids commitment.  Is that deliberate or innocent?  A bit of both.  He has “learned” to avoid conflict and he does it without realizing he is doing it.

The bad news is that there is no easy fix. I can’t force him to tell me the truth or return my phone calls.  What I can do is be very clear on what I want, without making it seem too confrontational.  I can call him every day, or every hour until he finally returns my call.  I can ask him to promise me it will be done.

But I can’t always win.  I can’t always get the truth, and I’m still not getting my pool delivered on time.

I can choose to never work with him again once the pool is finished though.  In a workplace, that isn’t so easy.  The best you can do is be aware you are dealing with an avoider, and be very clear on expectations.  You’ll still suffer from frustration, and they will still avoid uncomfortable situations and commitments.

Not everything that is faced can be easily changed, but by not facing an issue is guaranteeing that it won’t change.  Better to do something than nothing at all.

Taming your emotions

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Emotions

Lets face it, at this time of the year; emotions are closer to the surface.  It is easier to get upset, angry and much easier to lash out when we are operating from the heart and not the head.

Regardless, take your emotions out of the equation. Write down your issue on paper so you can see it in black and white.  Take away the word “feel” from the description of what is happening.  Think black and white and logical and stay away from emotional.  Try to imagine yourself giving advice to a friend instead of giving advice to yourself.

If you operate from a position of emotion, you run the risk of saying and doing the wrong thing.

Step back, take a deep breath, and look at the black and white.  This will allow you to say ON THE RIGHT TRACK with your difficult person this week.

Dealing with Negativity

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I am nonegativityt a negative person by nature and find that negativity seems to knock the wind out of my sails.

There are several approaches to dealing with negativity, and while none of them are easy, they are simple to do without compromising your credibility at work.

I’ll share my favourite approach today.  Try to do this for the next 30 days.  It won’t be easy.

Turn every negative statement they say into a positive one.

Them: “It’s too cold outside”
You: “I love my sweater and I can’t wear it in the summer.  The cold allows me to wear it and I like that”

Them: “This company takes advantage of us all the time”
You: “I’m glad I have a job”

Them: “Bob the Boss is such a jerk don’t you think?”
You: “I’ve heard horror stories, so put into perspective,  I can deal with Bob”

You don’t actually have to believe what you are saying; you just have to say the positive version of what your difficult person is saying.  You may think that Bob the Boss is a jerk too, but if you agree with their negativity, you are actually encouraging them to be negative more often.

You must be 100% consistent with this approach though.  Always take their negativity and make it positive.  This will exhaust you. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

This won’t make them a positive person.  It just makes them take their negativity elsewhere.

That’s OK with me 🙂

Are you dealing with an “Avoider:

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I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

An avoider is someone who hates confrontation. She would rather a situation sit and fester, than have to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us probably prefer to avoid rather than have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not me, that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an issue occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, and you might even arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you’re willing to deal with the issue.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful to use “I” language instead of “you” language (so that I didn’t put her on the defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared to say what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message was concise and outlined what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (thereby avoiding me altogether) asking to be removed from our distribution list and saying that she wanted to avoid further contact with our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly, professional way in which I was hoping we could deal with our misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about things, as I wanted to circumvent any hard feelings. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with sensitive issues via email. Email should be used as a confirmation tool, rather than a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she has been unwilling to co-operate.

Sometimes you will meet people who are not as professional or courteous—or courageous—as you are. Sometimes you will have to deal with sensitive situations in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be residual hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation here are my simple rules:

–            use “I” language, instead of “you” language;

–            avoid blame, and focus on resolving the situation;

–            be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, but rather are responding to it;

–            take the professional path (the high road), even in personal confrontations; and

–            know when to walk away.

I’m sorry that a simple misunderstanding has now become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation.

I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

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Take the “High Road Less Travelled”

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It is important to never give in to your desire to lash out, fight back, or hurt your difficult person.  Tempting, but don’t do it.

I would rather regret something I didn’t say than regret something I did say.

This week, be sure that you are the consummate professional.  Be the one to take that high road.  You’ll find that the traffic up there is much lighter than the traffic on the unprofessional road.

Sometimes NOT giving in is right!

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The guy who cuts our grass is someone I would easily call a difficult person.  He is strongly opinionated.  He is right and anyone who even considers a different opinion is not only wrong, they are stupid.

That type of person is infuriating.  I sometimes feel it is my responsibility to get them to at least acknowledge a different point of view.  This is not smart on my part 🙂

I listened to Alan yesterday.  Actually, I heard what he said, but I refused to be baited by his urge to get into a political discussion with me.  I wanted to get into this conversation; I wanted to get him to listen to what I had to say; I wanted him to see a potentially different, and not necessarily wrong, viewpoint.

I didn’t though, which was completely the right thing to do. I smiled and didn’t say too much. I refused to get baited, I refused to fight back.  Fighting is exactly what Alan wanted me to do.  He wanted to prove how smart he was.  By refusing to argue, I didn’t give him what he wanted.  He was well aware that I didn’t agree with him, but I wouldn’t rise to the bait.

He left the discussion a little frustrated, and I left it incredibly proud of me.

That is hard to do day in and day out when you work with your difficult person.  It is hard not to get baited, it is hard not to give your difficult person the response they are looking for.  Don’t give in to this style of difficult person.  Even if every second time you meet with them that you can hold yourself back it will be worth it.

I was proud of myself for not getting into a no-win argument. I was equally pleased that I had frustrated Alan.  Mature?  Maybe not.  The right thing to do?  Absolutely!

Take a step back

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There is always another perspective, always another way to look at things, always two sides to every story.

Force yourself to try to see the opposite point of view, even if it sounds ridiculous to you.

Whenever Warren, my husband, and I are driving and he starts to complain about the other drivers, I make a point to find some crazy, often silly, viewpoint which would explain why the other person was driving that way.

As much as it drives Warren crazy, it does get my point across, and sometimes calms the situation a bit.

Your difficult person still may be difficult, but taking the time to find another viewpoint is worth your time.  Sometimes it defuses your tension and sometimes it provides a moment of clarity, but taking a step back is always a good idea.

Keep ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

Would a little compassion help?

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Is your person just difficult, or are they operating in fear mode? We are in a fear-based economy and health crises right now, and people are flat out afraid of the unknown.

What if H1N1 hits my family? What if my investments are worth nothing when I retire? What if Iose my job? What if my health care isn’t as good as I have now?

If you are working in any of those fear-based industries, you are probably dealing with a lot of difficult clients right now. Makes sense doesn’t it? Fear makes people act without thinking.

Empathy and compassion will go a long way. Put yourself in their shoes. They don’t have the information that you have, and they are in panic mode.

Does that help you keep your calm demeanor and not get as riled up about their poor behaviour?

I thought so. The next time one of your clients is demanding, unreasonable, and operating in an unprofessional manner, put yourself in their shoes. It doesn’t change that they are in the wrong, but you’ll be amazed at how your viewpoint changes and you are in a better position to deal with their behaviour.

Keep yourself ON THE RIGHT TRACK to dealing with your difficult person this week.

A lesson from Serena Williams – keep your cool!

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Serena Williams lost it at the US Open last weekend. Her temper got the best of her and she reacted emotionally, inappropriately and unprofessionally.

What gets lost in the story is the calmness with which the line judge held herself.

Had the line judge yelled and threatened back to Williams, then we would have all jumped to Williams’ defense.

How people feel about footfaults being called during high-level matches would be irrelevant if the line judge had fought back. She didn’t, which was the perfect response.  And that response put all the fault on Williams who, alone, will pay for her outburst. (Williams was fined $10,000, the maximum penalty allowed for unsportsmanlike conduct in tennis, not to mention the loss of an important match and the untold damage to her reputation.)

After being called on a footfault during her serve, Williams walked over to the line judge, making a threatening gesture with her racquet and reportedly told her, “If I could, I would take this ****  ball and shove it down your **** throat.”  It is also alleged she threatened to kill the line judge, although Williams vehemently denies it.

Read more and watch a six-minute video of the confrontation at http://tinyurl.com/m2p8ka

If you were the line judge, could you have kept your cool in that situation? Could you have received those comments without fighting back?

It is important to remember that when one person loses it, the other should do the complete opposite, and remain very calm.

Do not interrupt the other person. Imagine if the line judge had angrily responded, ‘Are you threatening me?’ Even though I know that type of retort would have been wrong, I can imagine myself responding that way.

An angry response would have escalated the argument to much higher levels and Williams could have charged that she had been provoked.

Let the other person have her tirade; let her finish. If appropriate, call a time-out by saying something along the lines of, ‘This is not a good time to finish this conversation. Let’s meet again this afternoon’ – then walk away. Do not continue the conversation when tempers are flaring.

The line judge didn’t respond to Williams, but instead quickly got the referee involved.  The line judge kept her cool, even though she felt physically threatened, believing that Williams was threatening her life. That is the calm, cool exterior we want to achieve when we are in a confrontation.

A lot can be learned from this episode. Williams should have done things differently, and I’m certainly hoping she regrets her inability to control her temper.

Learn from the line judge, the referee and even Williams, so you can avoid being the front page news story at your office.

I would be more effective working with you if…..?

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If I asked you the question, “I would be more effective work with “X” if…. (fill in the blank)”, how would you finish that question?

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if she worked somewhere else?

I would be more effective working with Mike if he had a better attitude, listened to what I was saying, didn’t go over my head at work etc etc?

That is a natural way to answer that question, but if you look at what you’ve said, you are asking your difficult person to change their behaviour.

That is not going to happen.

Every morning they get up and answer the above question about you:

I would be more effective working with Susan if she just left me alone!

You can’t make your difficult person change. What you can do is do something different so you get a different response/reaction from them.

Dealing with your difficult person isn’t about getting others to do what you want them to do (that makes you a difficult person). Dealing with difficult people is about learning to create the circumstances where you get what you need.

You don’t make another person be more positive, to listen better or arrive at work on time. You learn to create the circumstances where you are able to get what you need.

I would be more effective working with Rhonda if I didn’t let her complaining bother me.

I would be more effective working with John if I had more compassion for his personal life.

Not easy is it?

Have you ever heard the expression “If you marry your spouse planning to change them after the wedding, it makes for a very interesting first marriage”?

You can’t make people do what you want. They can’t make you do what they want.

You learn to adapt to the circumstances to get what you need (and not necessarily at the expense of the other person either).

Are YOU the problem?

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Yesterday, I received an email from Sue that made me chuckle. She realized that she was the difficult person at work.

I laughed and advised Sue not to worry, as we are all someone’s difficult person.

Whoever you have labeled your difficult person has likely labeled you as their difficult person.

Why? Because at the moment, your difficult person is blocking you from getting what you want. You react to their negativity, their laziness … whatever it is they are doing that bothers you. You do everything you can to make them stop this behaviour.

For instance, lets say your difficult person is chronically negative. Every day they complain about something (the weather, the economy, the boss etc). You don’t like this and try to change your difficult person into a more positive person. So, they say “I can’t believe its raining again! I’m going to start building the ark.” You are annoyed that they let the weather bother them, so your response (to be positive) is “I love summer rain. It makes everything so green and lush and everything smells so nice. How can you complain about something so beautiful?” … and you put a big smile on your face.

Your difficult person (because they are chronically negative) labels you as difficult because you constantly disagree with them (they see you as someone who is telling them they are always wrong).

Naturally, they don’t like this behaviour and therefore label you as difficult.

If you don’t want to be difficult, then stop letting their behaviour bother you, and stop getting in their way!

Not so easy is it?

You need to do something different in order to get your needs filled. Don’t fall into the trap that if you are stronger than they are, you will win. You might – and you might not, but either way, you are being difficult.

I assume that you don’t want to be difficult (I certainly don’t), so start evaluating how you are hurting your own efforts and start taking some creative (and different) approaches to getting your difficult person to change.

Can you detach?

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Do you take the actions of your difficult person personally?  Do you think that they sit at home at night and plot how to ruin your next day?  Do you feel that they have it in for you (and are trying to get you fired, look bad or worse)?  Of course you do.

One of the best things that you can do when dealing with your difficult person is to detach from the situation.  You have become emotionally involved and it is affecting your ability to deal with them.

OK, maybe they do have something against you.  Maybe they really are trying to get you fired, and maybe it is about you.  Realistically that rarely happens and it really isn’t about you (perhaps your position, your name, your status), but it doesn’t feel that way, so we take everything personally and get emotionally involved.  Admit it, you have lain awake at night trying to figure out why they do this to you right?

Here’s a few quick tips on how to detach from this situation:

–    Realize that they would behave this way to someone.  Remember – they act this way because there is a payoff for them. There is a reason.  The payoff for their behaviour is such that they will act like this with someone – it just happens to be you

–    Place a barrier between you and your difficult person.  Imagine it is an invisible shield that you put up whenever they enter the room, or whenever their name is brought into conversation.  Protect yourself from taking it personally

–    Watch how they treat others, and realize they do this to others as well (it is not just you)

–    Play a game with yourself.  Predict what their response, or action will be, and if you are correct, offer yourself a reward. For example, every time they speak in a condescending tone to you, you can stop at Dairy Queen.  Once it becomes a game to you, you almost look forward to their bad behaviour as you get a reward

–    Practice ‘letting go’ of your emotional reaction with them

I realize it is all easier than it sounds, but in order for you to deal with your difficult person professionally, respectfully and consistently, you will need to become detached.

Go ahead, practice, and start counting points for your team!

This is just about you

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Don’t bring others into your confrontations/conversations.  It doesn’t matter that you aren’t the only one who feels this way, or that others agree with you.

Confrontation (and conversations about difficult situations) are between you and your difficult person only.

If you say “Julie feels the same way” then you have guaranteed to derail the conversation to no longer be about the issue, but about that Julie and others feel that way as well.  Your difficult person will become fixated on Julie and others instead of the issue at hand.

Besides, you have potentially created a disaster for Julie as well.

Keep on-the-right-track this week!

Dealing with a Sniper

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We’ve all been on the receiving end of an inappropriate comment in a public setting.  Your co-worker embarrasses you with a snide remark meant to be funny, but you weren’t laughing.  They are a sniper – and just like the name implies, you were the victim of a sniper attack.

We want to fight back, we want to say something equally as hurtful, and hopefully deflect the humour from you to someone else.  It isn’t funny when it happens to you, and a funny response is not the correct approach to take.

Say nothing.  Make sure you make eye contact that lasts about three seconds too long.  You know “the look” that tells your sniper you heard the comment, and you choose not to respond do it.

Don’t smile, don’t laugh, don’t look for support from others.  Just “look”

You’ll walk away knowing that you were on-the-right-track and didn’t stoop to their level.