attitude Archives - Dealing with difficult people

How to deal with difficult people issues

May 25, 2022/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

About Kim Harrison – author, editor and content curator

Kim Harrison, Founder and Principal of Cutting Edge PR, loves sharing actionable ideas and information about professional communication and business management. He has wide experience as a corporate affairs manager, consultant, author, lecturer, and CEO of a non-profit organization. Kim is a Fellow and former national board member of the Public Relations Institute of Australia, and he ran his State’s professional development program for 7 years, helping many practitioners to strengthen their communication skills. People from 115 countries benefit from the practical knowledge shared in his monthly newsletter and in his books available from cuttingedgepr.com.

Most people can be managed normally – no problem. But a minority may be difficult. What can be done about problem people? The problem may not be with them personally, but may be a problem with their situation. So, how can you deal with difficult people issues?

I’ve been through that experience personally. When I first started with a large power utility, I found two of my staff had put up their hand for a voluntary redundancy scheme offered to all employees – and had been rejected. They were so keen to get out of there and felt so demoralized after the knock-back, their work rate suffered. What a problem I had inherited! I had to find out ways to address their issue.

You can try the performance management process, which is formal, legalistic, and often long-winded and ponderous. A formal process should be a last resort. Try an informal route first.

Find out the reasons for the problem

Most difficult employees aren’t difficult because they want to be difficult. They would prefer to be happy at work. Therefore they are only being difficult for a reason or a combination of related reasons. Some of the reasons may be due to things you can’t change, but you can still seek to find a solution through other angles.

The first and obvious step is to find the reasons for the problem causing the difficult people issues. The reason may be obvious, but not everyone tries to understand their people. Workplace issues are usually about relationships and if you focus on the problem person’s relationships you are likely to find some or all of the problem. Ask some questions about how they feel about being a team member and if they are happy with the other members of the team including you. Their views towards the people they work with are likely to surface

Quite often the battle lines are drawn without management recognizing the underlying issues. If the person hasn’t made their issues clear, and they have been reluctant to speak directly about the problem, try to understand them better by communicating with them.

Ask tactful questions

Chat with them and try to get a better picture of their motivations, the reasons behind their attitude and the difficult people issues involved. Perhaps they have pressures at home. Ask some tactful questions about the family. Good supervisors know at least a bit about their personal life – their families, general health matters, recreational interests, vacation preferences etc. Try to explore these angles to find out where the person is coming from.

If you know the person is not happy about specific workplace things, but won’t raise them with you directly, discuss the general problem area. Probe further, but gently. Don’t force the questions, but try to dig deeper so you get past the predictable initial delaying response. Ask them, “What else?” in order to probe deeper. Repeat the question if the person is giving trite responses.

If you are not sure of the problem you may want to do some homework by speaking to their peers, the ones you can trust, for some feedback on the problem. Perhaps you are the cause of problems because of your attitude towards that person or certain rules or requirements you have imposed on your work group. Others may not be upset by such impositions, but that person may be sensitive.

Perhaps you haven’t got to know the person well enough. Ask them questions such as “What do you believe your strengths are?” and “How can we make best use of your abilities?” Also try other questions such as “What would you do to solve this problem if you had the right opportunity?” The answers could be valuable.

Perhaps circumstances are stressful for both of you. Perhaps there have been layoffs, which could have been trying for you both. Perhaps you could be more patient with your staff.

Listen carefully

Communication is a two-way process. Speaking is only a part of communication. Listening is more important than speaking. Unfortunately, most supervisors and managers talk too much and don’t listen carefully to their staff. If you ask the people who work for a manager or supervisor what their boss does when not talking, those people are likely to say something like: “Waiting to talk.” That’s not the same as listening!

Hearing people speak is only the beginning. Try to hear in between the lines, the things that aren’t said as well as the things that are.

When you listen, actively listen. Show you are listening. Paraphrase their words back to them. Say things like, “If I understand you correctly, you mean …” and “Do you mean, from what you are saying that…” When you are talking with them, look at them. Don’t check emails on your computer behind your desk, don’t direct stray glances at your smartphone, and don’t look around the room while they are with you. In fact, sit with them across a table so you are directly facing them. Ask them straight out: “Do you think I listen enough to what you are saying?” Give them your complete attention.

What most deserves our attention

If you are still not getting anywhere with the problem person, you can try the direct approach recommended by Susan Scott, one of the best HR consultants in the United States, and the best-selling author of Fierce Conversations. She says to set up a meeting with a problem person, saying:

When we meet tomorrow, I want to explore with you whatever you feel most deserves our attention, so I will begin our conversation by asking, “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” I will rely on you to tell me. If the thought of bringing up an issue makes you anxious, that’s a signal you need to bring it up. I am not going to talk over you or bring my own agenda to the table. If I need to talk with you about something else, I will add it at the end or will arrange another conversation with you.

Then at the meeting let the other person do most of the talking, is her advice. Ask them to describe the issue that is most important to them: “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” Ask them, “What is the current impact of this on you?” and “Who or what else is being affected?” Probe further; ask “What else?” at least three times. Listen carefully to what they say. Don’t worry about silences; just wait for the other person to resume. If you do most of the talking you learn little about the other person that you didn’t know already.

Don’t allow the other person to land the problem back in your lap. Say it is still theirs to deal with. This is an effective approach to start addressing difficult people issues.

Questions to ask about what they feel and think

Ask what they feel about the situation: “When you consider these impacts, what do you feel?” Such meetings are usually quite tense as the other person will have deep emotions about the problem. Only when you get them to disclose their feelings will they realize the emotional price involved.

Then lead on to say, “If nothing changes, what are the implications?” Ask, “What else?” Probe their feelings further, saying, “When you consider those possible outcomes, what do you feel?”

Ask the question: “How have you helped to create this issue or situation?” Don’t comment on the response except something like “That’s useful to know.”

Then ask, “What is the ideal outcome? When this is resolved, what difference will that make?” Keep probing; ask, “What else?” Probe feelings: “What do you feel when you consider these possibilities?”

The most effective step

Finally, ask, “What’s the most effective step you can take to begin to resolve this issue? What are you committed to do and when? When should I follow up with you?”

Don’t allow interruptions, don’t postpone or cancel the meeting, and provide plenty of time so you don’t have to cut the meeting short. If you allow any of these things to happen, you will be giving the person the message that they aren’t important to you, which will only compound the whole problem.

You can also use these steps to resolve issues in your personal and family relationships. It’s a powerful process for resolving difficult people issues you encounter in your working life and personal life.

For workplace issues with people, you may find my article, “Ten ways to get people to change,” useful for dealing with people who have become difficult because they don’t want to face change in the workplace.

On the other hand, an article in the Strategy + Business newsletter in 2018 claims that “There’s no such thing as difficult people.” You can also read this article, which may give you some more useful ideas.

How to deal with difficult people issues

May 25, 2022/in Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

About Kim Harrison – author, editor and content curator

Kim Harrison, Founder and Principal of Cutting Edge PR, loves sharing actionable ideas and information about professional communication and business management. He has wide experience as a corporate affairs manager, consultant, author, lecturer, and CEO of a non-profit organization. Kim is a Fellow and former national board member of the Public Relations Institute of Australia, and he ran his State’s professional development program for 7 years, helping many practitioners to strengthen their communication skills. People from 115 countries benefit from the practical knowledge shared in his monthly newsletter and in his books available from cuttingedgepr.com.

Most people can be managed normally – no problem. But a minority may be difficult. What can be done about problem people? The problem may not be with them personally, but may be a problem with their situation. So, how can you deal with difficult people issues?

I’ve been through that experience personally. When I first started with a large power utility, I found two of my staff had put up their hand for a voluntary redundancy scheme offered to all employees – and had been rejected. They were so keen to get out of there and felt so demoralized after the knock-back, their work rate suffered. What a problem I had inherited! I had to find out ways to address their issue.

You can try the performance management process, which is formal, legalistic, and often long-winded and ponderous. A formal process should be a last resort. Try an informal route first.

Find out the reasons for the problem

Most difficult employees aren’t difficult because they want to be difficult. They would prefer to be happy at work. Therefore they are only being difficult for a reason or a combination of related reasons. Some of the reasons may be due to things you can’t change, but you can still seek to find a solution through other angles.

The first and obvious step is to find the reasons for the problem causing the difficult people issues. The reason may be obvious, but not everyone tries to understand their people. Workplace issues are usually about relationships and if you focus on the problem person’s relationships you are likely to find some or all of the problem. Ask some questions about how they feel about being a team member and if they are happy with the other members of the team including you. Their views towards the people they work with are likely to surface

Quite often the battle lines are drawn without management recognizing the underlying issues. If the person hasn’t made their issues clear, and they have been reluctant to speak directly about the problem, try to understand them better by communicating with them.

Ask tactful questions

Chat with them and try to get a better picture of their motivations, the reasons behind their attitude and the difficult people issues involved. Perhaps they have pressures at home. Ask some tactful questions about the family. Good supervisors know at least a bit about their personal life – their families, general health matters, recreational interests, vacation preferences etc. Try to explore these angles to find out where the person is coming from.

If you know the person is not happy about specific workplace things, but won’t raise them with you directly, discuss the general problem area. Probe further, but gently. Don’t force the questions, but try to dig deeper so you get past the predictable initial delaying response. Ask them, “What else?” in order to probe deeper. Repeat the question if the person is giving trite responses.

If you are not sure of the problem you may want to do some homework by speaking to their peers, the ones you can trust, for some feedback on the problem. Perhaps you are the cause of problems because of your attitude towards that person or certain rules or requirements you have imposed on your work group. Others may not be upset by such impositions, but that person may be sensitive.

Perhaps you haven’t got to know the person well enough. Ask them questions such as “What do you believe your strengths are?” and “How can we make best use of your abilities?” Also try other questions such as “What would you do to solve this problem if you had the right opportunity?” The answers could be valuable.

Perhaps circumstances are stressful for both of you. Perhaps there have been layoffs, which could have been trying for you both. Perhaps you could be more patient with your staff.

Listen carefully

Communication is a two-way process. Speaking is only a part of communication. Listening is more important than speaking. Unfortunately, most supervisors and managers talk too much and don’t listen carefully to their staff. If you ask the people who work for a manager or supervisor what their boss does when not talking, those people are likely to say something like: “Waiting to talk.” That’s not the same as listening!

Hearing people speak is only the beginning. Try to hear in between the lines, the things that aren’t said as well as the things that are.

When you listen, actively listen. Show you are listening. Paraphrase their words back to them. Say things like, “If I understand you correctly, you mean …” and “Do you mean, from what you are saying that…” When you are talking with them, look at them. Don’t check emails on your computer behind your desk, don’t direct stray glances at your smartphone, and don’t look around the room while they are with you. In fact, sit with them across a table so you are directly facing them. Ask them straight out: “Do you think I listen enough to what you are saying?” Give them your complete attention.

What most deserves our attention

If you are still not getting anywhere with the problem person, you can try the direct approach recommended by Susan Scott, one of the best HR consultants in the United States, and the best-selling author of Fierce Conversations. She says to set up a meeting with a problem person, saying:

When we meet tomorrow, I want to explore with you whatever you feel most deserves our attention, so I will begin our conversation by asking, “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” I will rely on you to tell me. If the thought of bringing up an issue makes you anxious, that’s a signal you need to bring it up. I am not going to talk over you or bring my own agenda to the table. If I need to talk with you about something else, I will add it at the end or will arrange another conversation with you.

Then at the meeting let the other person do most of the talking, is her advice. Ask them to describe the issue that is most important to them: “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?” Ask them, “What is the current impact of this on you?” and “Who or what else is being affected?” Probe further; ask “What else?” at least three times. Listen carefully to what they say. Don’t worry about silences; just wait for the other person to resume. If you do most of the talking you learn little about the other person that you didn’t know already.

Don’t allow the other person to land the problem back in your lap. Say it is still theirs to deal with. This is an effective approach to start addressing difficult people issues.

Questions to ask about what they feel and think

Ask what they feel about the situation: “When you consider these impacts, what do you feel?” Such meetings are usually quite tense as the other person will have deep emotions about the problem. Only when you get them to disclose their feelings will they realize the emotional price involved.

Then lead on to say, “If nothing changes, what are the implications?” Ask, “What else?” Probe their feelings further, saying, “When you consider those possible outcomes, what do you feel?”

Ask the question: “How have you helped to create this issue or situation?” Don’t comment on the response except something like “That’s useful to know.”

Then ask, “What is the ideal outcome? When this is resolved, what difference will that make?” Keep probing; ask, “What else?” Probe feelings: “What do you feel when you consider these possibilities?”

The most effective step

Finally, ask, “What’s the most effective step you can take to begin to resolve this issue? What are you committed to do and when? When should I follow up with you?”

Don’t allow interruptions, don’t postpone or cancel the meeting, and provide plenty of time so you don’t have to cut the meeting short. If you allow any of these things to happen, you will be giving the person the message that they aren’t important to you, which will only compound the whole problem.

You can also use these steps to resolve issues in your personal and family relationships. It’s a powerful process for resolving difficult people issues you encounter in your working life and personal life.

For workplace issues with people, you may find my article, “Ten ways to get people to change,” useful for dealing with people who have become difficult because they don’t want to face change in the workplace.

On the other hand, an article in the Strategy + Business newsletter in 2018 claims that “There’s no such thing as difficult people.” You can also read this article, which may give you some more useful ideas.

Six Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

October 29, 2021/in Difficult Behaviour, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

by DIANE BERENBAUM

Are you having a hard time dealing with your co-workers? In this article Diane Berenbaum shares some practical tips on how we can make our workplace a little more harmonious.

Difficult management situation A recent comment from one of my friends caught me off guard, but got me thinking. She said, with a rather accusatory tone, “I bet you actually like the people you work with. Everyone in my company is so difficult!” After chuckling a bit and regaining my composure, I had to admit it: I do like the people in my company—every single one of them. I knew that I was lucky to work in a place where people really care about the work and each other, but this was a great reminder of that incredible fact.

But, isn’t everyone difficult at one time or another? Is it really possible to work in a difficult-free zone? What makes someone difficult anyway?

Ask your associates to describe a difficult person and I’m sure they won’t hesitate to share a few choice examples. I bet they’ll even fall into one of these classifications:

Arrogant types: Profess to know it all and want no help from anyone else, since others are clearly less qualified and worthy.

Whining types: Always see the negative side of things and are constantly complaining about it.

Demanding types: Want things done faster, neater, and more thorough than humanly possible and will issue threats if their demands are not met.

Uncooperative types: Fail to meet commitments and will ignore multiple requests, deadlines, or even threats for their participation.

Inconsistent types: Say one thing, do another and often claim they never committed to doing the first thing in the first place.

Lackadaisical types: Don’t seem to care about anything and don’t take much care with the quality of their work.
Any of these sound familiar? The fact is—anyone who doesn’t behave as we expect can be considered difficult and make our lives difficult in the process.

Reacting to Difficult People

Let’s face it; difficult people have a way of bringing us down. A friend recently described a conversation he had with an arrogant type and exclaimed, “I just want to smack her!” Yes, this is a common reaction (though, fortunately, it is rarely carried out).

Another associate complained about an uncooperative co-worker who rarely followed through on his commitments and almost always missed deadlines. Her response—total frustration (“He drives me crazy!”) and a lack of trust that he will ever come through when she needs him. Chances are she’ll pad the deadlines she gives him or just go elsewhere the next time she needs help.

With whiners, we may want to tell them to stop the insanity and quit their belly-aching. After a while, we just stop listening to anything they say (even when they are whining about a legitimate concern).

We may feel pushed or threatened when dealing with a demanding person—and decide that leaving the department or the company would be better than facing those unreasonable demands every day.

And, we tend to lose respect for, and ultimately even ignore, those who are inconsistent or lackadaisical.

These responses, while perfectly natural and understandable, don’t tend to yield the best results. Often, we miss important information or get so distracted that we lose sight of the task at hand.

In fact, we might become so annoyed and irritable that it affects our own behavior, so much so that we are perceived as difficult by someone else. And, if we are the difficult person in question, well, you know how others are going to be thinking about and treating us.

Make a Change with Six Thoughtful Strategies

While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – in our jobs, friendships, and yes, sometimes even our families – we can do something about it. It takes work, but it is definitely worth the effort.

Here are six ways to approach dealing with difficult people:

Avoid Labeling or Judging People

If you think you are dealing with a difficult person, you are setting up the conversation to be difficult. Subconsciously, you may put people in categories and then expect them to behave that same way every time.

For example, your inner-talk about co-worker Jack may go something like this, “Oh that Jack is such a crab; he’s going to complain about anything I suggest. I hate talking with him.”

These thoughts that occur before the conversation even takes place may actually negatively impact the nature and outcome of the conversation. Resist the temptation to label or judge, even if their behavior is irritating or disturbing.

Step Back Before You Respond

Your natural response to a difficult person may be a quick or critical comeback. Stop yourself! That response may, in fact, come back to haunt you and cause the conversation to go spiraling downward.

Trust that the other person does not mean to be difficult. The more you can separate the behavior from the person, the less likely you’ll be to interpret their behavior as a personal attack. Take time to compose yourself and think of your response, instead of reacting immediately.

Stop Wishing They were Different

How many times have you thought, “If only she would be more responsive, positive, or reliable?”

Stop wasting your precious mental energy on a futile effort as you’ve probably realized by now that wishing doesn’t work. Difficult people are not irritating you on purpose—and the best way to see a change in them is to change your own thinking and behavior.

Use a Learning Mindset Approach

Approach each interaction with an open mind—avoid making decisions or predictions before you start. Really listen to what the other person has to say and remain open to their viewpoint. When people feel your support, they will be more willing to work with you.

Practice using this approach with a friend and see if he or she notices a difference. Or, seek help and feedback from someone you trust. A little candid feedback can get you back on track after a slip into auto-pilot mode.

Acknowledge vs. Argue

Our first reaction may be to argue and defend our case. When someone makes an unrealistic demand, we might blast out with a snappy retort like, “That can’t be done!” or “That’s not realistic,” which can only lead the conversation spiraling downward (see point two above).

Instead, acknowledge their perspective and offer to collaborate on next steps. For example, “I can see that this is urgent and you want the system fixed by tomorrow morning. It is more complex than it may seem. I would like to take a moment to go over it and explore a timeframe that will ensure that it is fixed properly and completely.” This type of response will not only position you as more of a partner, it will also lead to a better conclusion for both parties.

Don’t be a Difficult Person Yourself!

It is easy to identify someone else being difficult. But, how many times do you look in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the one being difficult, especially when you are pushed, cajoled, or just plain tired?

Know thyself and recognize what triggers your own responses. Take responsibility for your actions without turning to your “dark side” so you don’t become the difficult person that others avoid.
By changing your attitude and approach towards difficult people, you’ll gain a wealth of knowledge, build relationships, and feel a whole lot better. You’ll also find that others respond differently to you because they sense your support and willingness to listen.

And maybe someday, when a friend tells you about his difficult co-workers, you too can smile and say that your workplace is not really very difficult at all.

About the Author

Diane Berenbaum is a Senior Vice President of Communico Ltd, a customer
service training and consulting company that delivers measurable results for customer service organizations and call centers.

Five Challenging Personalities, and How to Manage Them

May 19, 2020/in Difficult Behaviour, Difficult People at Work, Personalities at Work /by Rhonda

The strategies for dealing with difficult people you encounter at work will differ according to these profiles, writes Joe Topinka.

Everyone interested in career development knows that we can all benefit from more leadership training. Typically these courses cover topics like performance evaluations, budgeting, and strategic planning. But one area that gets almost no attention is how to deal with the difficult people. We all face them every day in the office.

You know the type; the people who thwart progress, create anxiety, and disrupt teams. There’s one in every office.

I was talking with a group of IT executives recently and they remarked how little is done to define great leadership, and to teach leadership skills in early education – or even in the later years, for that matter. For many of us, our development as leaders was shaped by role models and mentors throughout our careers. For me, leadership started at home with my parents. Later, I was fortunate to find other leaders that willingly offered their insights and learnings with me.

Difficult people are commonplace, even outside of the office. I recently shared five difficult people personas with a group of IT executives and Business Relationship Managers in separate keynote speeches. The reaction I received was surprising. After both keynotes, people expressed relief that we were openly talking about these difficult people and the ways to handle them. It was like a therapy session for all of us.

5 Difficult Personas You Will Encounter

I have encountered five challenging personality types throughout my career. I have assembled the profile cards below to serve as a quick reference detailing each type: their behavior, how people typically react to them, and the methods you can use to succeed despite their conduct.

1. The Emotionally Expensive

These folks seem to thrive on making people squirm and feel uncomfortable. The often like to push you off balance by trying to upset you. Try not to take the bait. Stick to the facts when dealing with these people. The facts will keep you safely above the fray. Thanks to Cy Wakeman for her insights into emotionally expensive people.

Emotionally expensive2.jpg

2. The Head-Nodder

It is great when people agree with you. It is also quite a letdown when you discover someone isn’t being honest with you. It is always a good idea to not overshare and it is especially true with head-nodders. Learn to ask them for commitment and accountability when you need their support on any initiatives. Most people are more likely to honor their commitments when specifically asked to.

Head nodder3.jpg

3. The History Buff

History can be a great teacher. In the office however, history buffs can get in the way by anchoring progress to the past. History buffs relish shutting down ideas that have been tried before. You can engage history buffs by asking them to give their best ideas for why past projects failed. Negative brainstorming (a.k.a. reverse thinking) is an effective way to get history buffs out of the past and into the future. Challenge them to turn things around having a beginner’s mind to overcome the roadblocks of the past.

History buff2.jpg

4. The Island Camper

In some ways, it is understandable when people become myopically focused on a goal. It is an issue however, when that goal isn’t as strategically important as other company initiatives. Island campers will often ignore company priorities if they get in the way of their own team or personal goals. They make every effort to consume as many resources as possible to serve their needs. While difficult, an honest conversation about company priorities and the impact of their behavior on bigger, broader company priorities can shake them loose from their tight grip.

Island Camper2.jpg

5. The Remote Controller

As it happens, some C-suite executives don’t like spending time in the office. Perhaps they live in a different state and avoid traveling to HQ whenever possible. At one such company the management team was quite frustrated by this. The head of marketing created a missing person milk carton graphic that made its way around the office, with the title, “Have you seen our CEO?”. Frustration and the lack of engagement were at a fever pitch.

Remote controller2.jpg

To overcome the absence of in-person engagement with such a boss, set up a routine cadence where you spend one-on-one time with them. Keep the meetings short and prepare your agenda items ahead of time. Be resilient and don’t lose your enthusiasm even if he or she cancels your meetings periodically.

Download PDF of all five cards

Every office has challenging people that we all must deal with: That is just our reality. It is easy to complain about office politics and people’s behavior. The truth is office politics and challenging people always have been, and always will be, a part of working life. There is no office on the planet where challenging personas aren’t a fact of professional life. The key to dealing with these dynamics is to take them head on.

Stick to the facts, resist the drama of challenging people, and proactively focus on business outcomes. Becoming an expert at this level of politics in the office is a necessity. The more skilled we become at rising above the drama of challenging people, the more success you and your company will have. Share your success stories and challenges with others and pass on your learnings. That will be your true leadership legacy.

Written by Joe Topinka

Joe Topinka is a recognized, game-changing CIO, executive coach, and published author. He is the founder of CIO Mentor, LLC and a Board Chair of the Business Relationship Management Institute (BRMI). Topinka is a three-time CIO of the Year award winner (Charlotte CIO Leadership Association, Charlotte Business Journal, Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal).

How to Deal With Difficult People at Work Ignoring Difficult People Is Not an Option If You Want to Succeed

April 7, 2020/in Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage at work.

Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person. Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticizing you or undermining your professional contribution.

Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult coworkers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion—to your detriment.

Some coworkers attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people form cliques and leave you out; you are told that colleagues are speaking about you behind your back. Difficult people and situations, such as these, exist in every workplace.

They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it. Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments. But, if the behavior continues, or worse, escalates, you must address the behavior.

Why You Must Deal With Difficult People

Trust this statement. Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below—and often erupts counter-productively above—the surface at work.

Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option. It will fester to the point that you are miserable going into work each day.

You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.

Occasionally, at this point in your relationship with a difficult person, you can back off and say nothing good will come from my confronting this difficult person’s behavior. You may find this is the case, for example, when you rarely encounter the person, or you’re on a short term project that will soon end.

Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimize their impact on your work life. But, it depends on your individual circumstances.

Worse Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People

Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem.

Most importantly, if you are embroiled in constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may find yourself labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your career.

Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and your boss may tire of you. Your boss may decide that you are a “high maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.

Dealing With the Difficult People in Your Workplace

If you’ve been working for a while, you’ve experienced workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not a viable option.

Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways to address your difficult coworker.

How to Productively Deal With Your Difficult Coworker

Are you convinced that in almost all cases you need to productively deal with your difficult coworker? Good. These are ten productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult coworker.

Start out by examining yourself.

Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions?

Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.

Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague.

Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear, and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.

Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.

Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.

Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.

Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case?

They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most.

Follow-up after the initial discussion.

Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.

Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you want your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss.) If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.

You can confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly.

Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture—no, not that one—such as a salute or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.

You can also tell the difficult person that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. It doesn’t work to ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, publicly, but you can employ more positive confrontational tactics.

The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off. Each person is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humor well with difficult coworkers.

Need Help Dealing With the Difficult Person?

If you have done what you can do and employed the first five recommended approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others—your boss or a manager. Note that you are escalating the situation. You need to prepare to talk to your boss.

What to Do to Prepare to Talk With Your Boss

Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does.
Make a plan to address the issues. Perhaps involve your coworker’s boss. Recognize that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult coworker and his supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point. Expect to participate in follow-up over time.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person, too—carefully. Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behavior is wider and deeper than she had originally determined. Be careful with this approach, however. Know what works with your boss. You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you. Protect the needs of your business, but avoid working with the person when possible. Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact. Don’t hurt your own career or your business, but avoidance is an option.
Transfer to a new job within your organization. Depending on the size of your company, you may never have to work with this difficult coworker again. Fleeing is definitely an option.
If all else fails, you can quit your job. What, flee, you ask? But, I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult coworker. All I tried to do was my job. You’re right. But, what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay? You need to decide whether the good in your current situation outweighs the bad or whether the bad outweighs the good.

The Bottom Line

If the good wins, stop complaining and get back to work. Backtrack on these recommended steps and retry some of them when appropriate. If the bad wins, redirect your energy to leaving your current employment. You’ll be glad you did. You can find out how to conduct a stealth job search and much more about job searching with these resources.

BY

SUSAN M. HEATHFIELD

Updated September 02, 2019

How to Manage a Stubborn, Defensive, or Defiant Employee

January 20, 2020/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, On the spot tips, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Some of the hardest employees to manage are people who are consistently oppositional. They might actively debate or ignore feedback, refuse to follow instructions they disagree with or create a constant stream of negative comments about new initiatives. Most often, these behaviors are meant to make the employee look strong and mask a fear of change, an aversion to anticipated conflict, or they worry that they will look stupid or incompetent. I’ve found in my 30 years of consulting for both public and privately held companies, that there are three distinct approaches that can help you get the best from oppositional employees.

The first option is to adjust job responsibilities to leverage their strengths. One functional leader at a company I advised was known and appreciated for his technical expertise, but he was also an extreme micromanager and treated employees with disdain, leading to high turnover in his department. Whenever his manager or HR gave him feedback, he dismissed their input, because he felt that they didn’t understand what it took to succeed in his job.

It’s not uncommon for technical experts to struggle in management roles, and their resistance to feedback or support may be triggered when they realize they’re in over their heads but don’t want to be perceived as failing. One solution is to double down on their strengths and minimize their managerial responsibilities or give them a purely technical team. This worked for the functional leader, who, with a much smaller team of fellow experts to manage, ran into fewer obstacles and generated less unhappiness among his subordinates and superiors.

Another alternative is to temporarily overlook individual style while the person adjusts to their new circumstances. Some employees become oppositional when they feel insecure in a new role or with a significant change in their responsibilities. Rather than providing behavioral coaching on their negative or inappropriate communication, at least initially, it can be more effective to focus on the quality of their knowledge or output, and only work on stylistic problems once the employee feels more familiar with the changes and expectations.

I once worked with a nonprofit executive with deep institutional memory who was extremely sensitive to criticism, and became fearful and resistant whenever a change was necessary, especially when new requirements were presented to her as fiats. She was so concerned with not looking stupid, weak, or out-of-date, that she became excessively defensive and reactive. This was particularly problematic because her position involved supporting new leaders, who cycled in and out of the job every two to three years, and she had to form new relationships with each one. But her behavior wasn’t oppositional all the time: whenever she worked for a leader who showed respect for her skill and knowledge, she served with loyalty and tenacious effort. Showing appreciation for an employee’s knowledge and overlooking — for a time — their delivery can help build a positive connection you can then expand on.

Finally, it’s worth considering that they may be right. At one service firm where I consulted, a longtime department head expressed great negativity about the changes a succession of new bosses wanted to make. She began to change her attitude when one new leader paid attention to her complaints and took her challenges as clues that some of her “old ways” might still have merit. She became more willing to hear him out and to sign on to some of his new initiatives. Over time, he gave her more related responsibilities and opportunities to share her knowledge with other areas of the company. She continued to challenge some of his new directions but warmed up significantly as she saw that her subject matter expertise was being taken seriously.

On the other hand, know where to draw the line. At another client, a senior leader who was an external hire felt that his track record spoke for itself and that he didn’t need to adjust to his new company’s cultural norms. When he behaved in ways that were counter to norms around work/life balance and demonstrating respect for individual differences, he was chastised and counseled multiple times by a colleague from HR, but he assumed that his financial performance would protect him. In fact, he made it quite clear to colleagues that he didn’t have to “listen” to the feedback he was receiving. Despite the success of his work product, when too many employees complained that they felt denigrated and that he was damaging the organizational culture, the executive leadership got involved and he was let go.

Sometimes, the behavior of an oppositional employee is so damaging to their team or colleagues that the company cannot sustain it and must encourage them to move on. But in many cases, after understanding their concerns and motivations, organizations can provide effective support to oppositional employees through job redesign and relationship building. Then employees who were once seen as problems can bring their greatest strengths to bear on behalf of the organization, rather than against it.

Article By, Liz Kislik
As appeared on https://hbr.org/

How to Deal with Difficult People

December 4, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Difficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity and strife.

To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember when it comes to difficult people and the impact that they have on you is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

Step 1: Rise Above

Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior truly goes against reason. Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so. Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above (Step 1) a person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.

You can set limits, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

Step 3: Talk About It

There’s nothing wrong with venting to family and friends about a difficult person, but the idea here is to use it as a means of moving forward. Venting is a great way to release tension and get some social support for your problems, but to mix things up and improve your situation, you need to tell the people that you vent to exactly what you’re doing about the person. Share your specific plans for Rising Above (Step 1) and Setting Boundaries (Step 2). This way, the people in your support system can give you feedback and guidance as you pursue these steps. They will be able to more easily see when your emotions are getting the better of you, and can help you to maintain a rational perspective. When it comes to boundaries, you’re going to find your support system asking a lot of great “what if” questions to help you consider new ways to set boundaries. The quality of this feedback will depend on getting a detailed account of what you’re trying to accomplish in dealing with the difficult person. If your support people don’t understand that you have a plan, they may just feed the problem by getting you riled up over how terrible it is that you’re stuck with a difficult person.

Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with your problem person. When you find yourself being tested, refer back to the specific strategies recommended for you by the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal test that came with your Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. These strategies will help you avoid getting blindsided by areas that are not your emotional intelligence strengths. Here are three additional strategies from Emotional Intelligence 2.0 you’ll want to consider, as they are very helpful in dealing with difficult people:

Self-Management Strategy #9
Social Awareness Strategy #11
Self-Management Strategy #4

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Workplace Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People

November 16, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

We’ve all run into at least one of these four types of troublesome co-workers. Teambuilding expert Kaley Klemp explains how to handle them.

Gossiping, backstabbing, bullying and complaining co-workers will ensnare even the best employees into their unhappy world of drama and deceit. In so doing, problem employees transform otherwise efficient, benign corporate environments into tawdry scenes from Ally McBeal, The Office, House or any number of comedy shows poking fun at the dysfunctional American workplace.

In the real world, though, office drama isn’t funny. It creates stress, drains employees of energy and hampers productivity. To address these conflicts, managers and individual co-workers need to understand the “drama type” of employees creating this toxic work environment, says Kaley Klemp, co-author of The Drama-Free Office: A Guide to Healthy Collaboration with Your Team, Coworkers, and Boss.

“It’s important to know who’s engaged in the drama so you can get at the root cause of the conflict,” she says.

The four primary “drama types” as described by Klemp, who is also a leadership and teambuilding coach, include: complainers, cynics, controllers and caretakers. Knowing how to handle each of these types of people will help you ward off thorny, stressful situations that could jeopardize your career.

After all, power plays end with a victor and a vanquished. Which side do you want to be on?

Here, Klemp explains the characteristics of each drama type, the kinds of conflict they create, and offers advice on how to deal with them.

Complainers

Characteristics: Beyond the obvious, complainers don’t take accountability for their performance (or lack of). Instead, they blame everyone around them for not getting their work done. They also like to gossip and often fail to complete their work on time.

Conflicts: Because they point their fingers at everyone else, complainers brew ill-will among their co-workers and managers.

Tips for Handling: Klemp advises managers to listen to complainers just once. “The complainer’s story is usually, ‘Woe is me. I don’t have enough resources to do my project. No one supports me.'” If you repeatedly listen to this same tale of woe, you risk getting sucked into their drama, she warns.

When the complainer finishes her spiel, Klemp recommends that the manager remind her that everyone is working with limited resources and to ask her what she believes her options are for getting her work done.

“The goal is to establish a clear agreement about what is going to happen by when,” says Klemp. “If you let the [complainer’s] story continue, the cycle will repeat itself.”

Cynics

Characteristics: Cynics are sarcastic and often arrogant, says Klemp. They can also be manipulative.

Conflicts: They’re just plain difficult to work with.

Tips for Handling: Klemp recommends starting any conversation with a cynic about their attitude or behavior by complimenting them. “Give them a sincere compliment, tell them something you admire about them,” says Klemp. “They’ll be much more open to your ‘This isn’t working for me’ conversation if they know you’re coming from a place of care.”

Tips for Handling Cynics, Cont.

Once you’ve established a cordial dialog, Klemp says to be direct and dispassionate about the behavior that’s bothering you. Explain your observation of the cynic’s behavior and how it impacts your individual performance, or if you’re a manager, the team’s performance, she says.

Managers might also try to make the following point to cynics: You have good ideas and you’re smart, but the way you communicate undermines the points you’re trying to make. You would be more effective if you changed your tone. Here’s how you can do that.

If a cordial conversation doesn’t get through to the cynic, Klemp notes that managers also have the ability to deliver an ultimatum. A manager who has to give an ultimatum to a cynic might say, according to Klemp, “I want to tap into your potential. Here’s how I’d like for you to change. If no change occurs, here are the consequences.”

The consequences might be that the cynic’s leadership role on the team ends, control over a project ends, or job loss.

Controllers

Characteristics: Not surprisingly, controllers like to be in charge. They can be micromanagers and sometimes bullies, says Klemp. They’re also known for ignoring other people’s boundaries and pushing for more control and responsibility. They tend to be bad at delegating, too.

Conflicts: Turf wars, power plays, stepping on other people’s toes are all the domain of the controller. Because controllers micromanage others and start turf wars, employees who get swept up in these conflicts worry about their job security.

Tips for Handling: The key to handling a controlling co-worker is to understand very clearly where your and the controller’s responsibilities begin and end, says Klemp. For example, you can approach your manager and say, “So-and-So has been doing work that I thought was my responsibility. Can you outline for me what my responsibilities are and what So-and-So’s are so that I can be sure I am completing my work and not stepping on his toes?”

Getting a clear picture of everyone’s responsibilities will allow you to enforce your boundaries with your controlling coworker. If he continues to infringe on your territory, says Klemp, you’ll be able to tell him that you double checked your responsibilities with your manager and you’re certain that she wants you to take care of a particular job.

Caretakers

Characteristics: Caretakers need to be liked and feel valued. To that end, they go out of their way to help others, often to the detriment of their own work.

Conflicts: They let other people down by overpromising and under-delivering.

Tips for Handling: Mangers who oversee caretakers need to help them set boundaries so that they don’t take on too much work. Before caretakers are allowed to take on a project or pitch in to help a co-worker, they need to run it by their manager.

“Managers need to teach caretakers that ‘NO’ is not a bad word,” says Klemp.

Article By Meridith Levinson ,
As appeared on www.cio.com

Dealing with Difficult People

October 5, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

Article By Tina Su,
As appeared in www.thinksimplenow.com

Conflict Management at Work

April 26, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

A conflict arises when individuals have different opinions, thought processes, attitudes, interests, needs and find it difficult to adjust with each other. When individuals perceive things in dissimilar ways and cannot find the middle way, a conflict starts. No organization can survive if the employees are constantly engaged in fights and conflicts. The individuals have to give their hundred percent at workplaces to generate revenue and profits for the organization.

Conflicts must be avoided at workplaces for a healthy and a competitive environment. Employees must ensure that precautionary measures are taken in advance to prevent conflicts at the workplace. Employees are the assets of any organization and they must feel motivated and elated to perform well. Conflicts only lead to tensions and depressions and nothing productive comes out of it. No individual can work alone; he has to depend on his fellow workers for the maximum output. Every individual has to work in a team and can’t afford to fight with his team members.

Misha and Tom were a part of the operations team with a reputed firm. Both of them had excellent academic records, were hardworking and were never short of ideas. Unfortunately Misha and Tom never liked each other’s ideas and never got along very well. Their team could never achieve anything great and always failed to live up to the expectations of their superiors.

The conflict between Misha and Tom was the major reason why their team could never perform well. The success of any team is directly proportional to the relation among the team members.

As a result of conflicts, employees waste their maximum time and energy in fighting and find it very difficult to concentrate on work. The time which should be utilized in doing productive work goes in finding faults in others and fighting with each other. Always remember that your office is not paying you for fighting, instead it expects good and productive work from you. Conflict Management prevents the eruptions of fights and also allows the employees to be serious about their work. Conflicts also lead to unnecessary tensions and disagreements among the individuals. Everyday in an organization is a new day and you have to give your best daily. In today’s fierce competitive scenario, an employee has to prove himself each day. You just can’t survive if your mind is always clouded with unnecessary tensions and stress. Stress diverts your mind and snatches your mental peace and harmony. You feel restless every where,everytime. If you feel irritated by your colleague or do not approve their ideas, think for a minute, would fighting provide any solution? What would you gain out of it? It is always better to sit and discuss the issues with fellow workers face to face rather than shouting. Life becomes miserable if one is engaged in constant fights and one feels demotivated to go to office.

Conflict Management reduces tensions and employees feel motivated to give their level best to the organizations. No one gains form conflicts. One should avoid fighting over petty issues and criticizing fellow employees at workplaces. Be a little more adjusting. You might be an extraordinary employee, but conflicts will definitely earn you a bad name and you appear in the bad books of other employees. Conflict Management helps in the strengthening of bond among the employees and everyone is ready to help each other. Relations improve and people feel motivated to work together and strive hard to give best possible results. No one likes to carry tensions back home and feel neglected at the workplace. Attend office to work not to fight and carry tensions and anxiety. Transparency must be maintained at all levels for the smooth flow of information among the employees. One wrong information with any employee, all things get screwed up. Conflicts and disagreements act as a hindrance in the correct flow of information as employees tend to tamper important data, facts, figures and hide things from each other. The information never reaches in the correct and desired form as a result of conflict and eventually the organization is at loss.

Conflict Management plays a very important role at workplaces as it prevents unnecessary fights and makes offices a better place to work.

As appeared on www.managementstudyguide.com

7 Steps for Dealing With Difficult People

February 22, 2018/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

By Adam Brady

Life is a web of relationships. Human beings are social creatures, deeply entangled in countless relationships throughout life. It’s natural to gravitate toward those relationships that bring you the most happiness, growth, and fulfillment. However, despite your best efforts and intentions to the contrary, you’re sometimes forced to deal with challenging relationships and difficult people. Navigating these interactions can often result in stress, tension, and anxiety that negatively impact your mood and expose you to unpleasant emotional toxicity.

When dealing with difficult people it’s important to remember that everyone you encounter is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness. Therefore, try to avoid judging their behavior. No matter how it may appear from your perspective, few, if any of the difficult people in your life are deliberately trying to be the bad guy or villain. They are simply making the choices that seem best from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of mayhem it might bring into the experience of others.

Part of the curriculum at the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health Ayurvedic Lifestyle program includes exploring the tools for conscious communication, which can help you learn to communicate directly with the people in your life for maximum emotional and spiritual well-being. This includes asking yourself the following four questions derived from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication:

What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity)
What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility for emotions and beliefs without slipping into victimization)
What do I need that I’m not receiving? (Identifying your own needs rather than assuming others automatically know what you require)
What am I asking for? (Specifically formulating a request for what you need and surrendering the outcome)

These are powerful and transformative questions that can lead to a more productive and conscious exchange with the people in your life. However, what if a person is unwilling to help you meet your needs and falls squarely into the category of being a difficult person? How can you maintain your presence and respond from the level of highest awareness?

The following seven steps can be used to help you navigate the rough waters of dealing with a negative person. They can be used independently or in sequence, depending on what the situation requires. Interactions with difficult people are dynamic and there is no one quick fix for every situation. Also, note that these suggestions focus primarily around changing your perceptions of the relationship rather than trying to change the behavior of the other person.

1. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity

This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for:

Stop whatever you’re doing
Take 3 deep breaths
Observe how your body feels
Proceed with kindness and compassion

No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.

2. See Through the Control Drama the Other Person Is Using

Control dramas are manipulative behaviors that people often fall into when their needs aren’t being met. There are four primary control dramas:

Being nice and manipulative
Being nasty and manipulative
Being aloof and withdrawn
Playing the victim or “poor-me” role

Control dramas are frequently learned in childhood as a strategy to manipulate others into giving you what you want. Interestingly, many people never outgrow their primary control drama or evolve to higher forms of communication.

When you witness one of these control dramas playing out in a difficult person, you can automatically become more understanding. Imagine the person you’re dealing with using the same control drama as a child. From that perspective you realize that this individual never learned another way to get their needs met and, as such, is deserving of your compassion. This simple and profound shift in perspective can take the entire relationship dynamic in a new direction.

3. Don’t Take it Personally

When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavioris not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.

In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.

4. Practice Defenselessness

This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.

Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.

5. Walk Away if Necessary

Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren’t helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.

6. See the Experience as an Evolutionary Opportunity

As challenging as it is, dealing with a difficult person can be a learning experience. Relationships mirror your inner world back to you and help open your eyes to those things you may not want to see. The qualities in another that upset you are often those aspects of yourself that you repress.

Recognize the petty tyrant in your life as a teacher who can help you learn what you haven’t yet mastered. Better yet, see in this person a friend who, as a part of the collective consciousness of humanity, is another part of you. As Ram Dass reminds says, “We’re all just walking each other home.” When you can see a difficult person as an ally on the journey you’re traveling together, you’ll be ready to answer the telling question, “What am I meant to learn in this situation?”

7. Resonate Compassion

Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief. Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.

Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.

Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou’s words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”

__________________________________________________________________

About the Author

Adam Brady

Vedic Educator

Yoga teacher, author, and martial artist Adam Brady has been associated with the Chopra Center for nearly 20 years. He is a certified Vedic Educator trained in Primordial Sound Meditation , Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga , and Perfect Health: Ayurvedic Lifestyle , and regularly teaches in the Orlando, Florida, area. Over the last several years, Adam has worked to introduce corporate mind-body wellness programs into the workplace within a large…Read more

How to Deal with Difficult (Even Impossible) People

November 10, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

She thinks you’re having a conversation, but you don’t get to speak a word. Something doesn’t go according to plan and you’re the one he blames. Whether it’s a family member, a co-worker or (worse) your boss, highly aggressive and challenging people can turn a perfectly good day into a dramatic experience without any reason. When walking away is not an option, what do you do?

We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “She’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.

First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person. Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.

Photo: Sam Edwards/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Clingers

Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

What doesn’t work: Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.

What works: Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.

Photo: John Wildgoose/Caiaimage/Getty Images

Controllers

Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.

What doesn’t work: Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.

What works: Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong—you’ll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.

Photo: Image Source RF/Cadalpe/Getty Images

Competitors

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.

What doesn’t work: Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

What works: Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

These people have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly.

What works: If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Photo: Henglein and Steets/Cultura/Getty Images

These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.

What works: Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.

Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty Images

Victims

These people are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.

What works: The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)

In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult people don’t—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with and what to walk away from.

Article By,

Deepak Chopra, As appeared on oprah.com

How To Manage Conflict At Work

October 19, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Effectively managing conflict is arguably the hardest thing a manager has to do. I was recently reminded of this by a comment from a reader in response to a post (10 Things Successful Business People Aren’t Daunted By). Her observation? “I’ll be printing this off and putting it where I can read it every morning,” she wrote. “Dealing well with conflict (instead of running and hiding) has been one of my biggest challenges as a relatively new manager, so thank you for reminding me that conquering that fear of conflict is worth it!”

Actually she shouldn’t feel bad – she has lots of company. While now and then you’ll come across a manager who enjoys conflict, really relishes confrontation and dispute, the vast majority of people would much prefer not to deal with it, if given a choice.

Unfortunately, as a manager, if you’re going to do your job, you have no choice.

Looking back now over my own career I can recall conflicts with the many people I managed over just about everything: salaries, promotions, recognition, evaluations, other team members, being managed too much, not being managed enough, projects that were too tough, projects that were too boring… and once in a while someone who was just for no discernible reason downright insubordinate. I never liked conflict. But I realized early on that if I expected to be paid a reasonable amount of money for management, trying my best to deal with conflict fairly and directly was a crucial part of the job.

In that spirit, following are a few things I learned about it:

Accept the inevitability of conflict in management – As mentioned above, just recognize that addressing it is part of the job. Don’t waste energy ruminating about it, and don’t feel bad you feel bad about it. Just accept it for what it is: It comes with the managerial territory.

Don’t be a conflict-avoider. Difficult interpersonal workplace problems won’t disappear by ignoring them; they’ll only get worse. Chronic conflict-avoiders will end up losing the respect of their employees – and their own management.

Stay calm – Even when provoked, keep a close hold on your temper; stay as calm as you possibly can. There are some memorable lines from the famous Rudyard Kipling poem If: If you can keep your head when all about you/Are losing theirs and blaming it on you/If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too… And after several verses the poem concludes: Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it/And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son. (Or a woman… Kipling wrote this in 1895.) Though it wasn’t written for business, I always felt there was management relevance in the message.

Maintain the moral high ground – A close cousin to the point directly above. You’re management. You’re the voice of reason. Don’t lose control or pull rank or cede the moral high ground – calm control is a much more advantageous position to manage and negotiate from.

Partner with HR – Though Human Resources operatives have become joking stereotypes on TV and in movies… I’ll state this in bold letters: When I was in management, my colleagues in Human Resources were of inestimable valuable to me on many occasions. I never hesitated to call on them when I faced difficult employee conflicts. They were unfailingly an objective third party, a sounding board, a valuable source of reasonable counsel. My philosophy was always, In delicate situations, get all the help you can.

Document meticulously – When serious conflict occurs, as a manager you’ll need accurate records of it. During employee performance appraisals, you’ll need clear documentation to avoid discussions dissolving into “he said/she said” disputes. And when it’s necessary to terminate someone, you of course need detailed documentation (again, a time to work closely with HR) or you may well have legal exposure.

Don’t’ think in terms of “winning,” so much as constructively resolving – No point winning the battle but losing the war. Management’s role is not to “defeat the enemy” (even though that may feel cathartic at times!), but to elicit optimal performance from the area you’re managing. Accordingly, best not to leave bodies in your wake but to get conflicts resolved fairly, expeditiously, and move forward as constructively as you can. Get closure and move ahead… the sooner, the better.

I don’t want to give the illusion any of this is easy.

It isn’t. It never is.

But if you can develop a consistent, rational approach to managing conflict, it can make your difficult job a lot less stressful than it would be without it.

Article by, Victor Lipman , an executive coach and author of The Type B Manager.

As appeared on forbes.com

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

July 14, 2017/in Bully, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

Do you have someone at work who consistently triggers you? Doesn’t listen? Takes credit for work you’ve done? Wastes your time with trivial issues? Acts like a know-it-all? Can only talk about himself? Constantly criticizes?

Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don’t, it’s deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being. At the most primal level, it can feel like a threat to our very survival.

This is especially true when the person you’re struggling with is your boss. The problem is that being in charge of other people rarely brings out the best in us.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” Lord Acton said way back in 1887. “There is no worse heresy than the office that sanctifies the holder of it.”

The easy default when we feel devalued is to the role of victim, and it’s a seductive pull. Blaming others for how we’re feeling is a form of self-protection. Whatever is going wrong isn’t our fault. By off loading responsibility, we feel better in the short-term.

The problem with being a victim is that you cede the power to influence your circumstances. The painful truth when it comes to the people who trigger you is this: You’re not going to change them. The only person you have the possibility of changing is yourself.

Each of us has a default lens through which we see the world. We call it reality, but in fact it’s a selective filter. We have the power, to view the world through other lenses. There are three worth trying on when you find yourself defaulting to negative emotions.

The Lens of Realistic Optimism. Using this lens requires asking yourself two simple questions when you feel you’re being treated badly or unfairly. The first one is “What are the facts in this situation?” The second is, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about those facts?”

Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience, rather than simply reacting to it. It also opens the possibility that whatever story you’re currently telling yourself isn’t necessarily the only way to look at your situation.

Realistic optimism, a term coined by the psychologist Sandra Schneider, means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a given circumstance without subverting the facts. It’s about moving beyond your default reaction to feeling under attack, and exploring whether there is an alternative way of viewing the situation that would ultimately serve you better. Another way of discovering an alternative is to ask yourself “How would I act here at my best?”

The Reverse Lens. This lens requires viewing the world through the lens of the person who triggered you. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own point of view but rather widening your perspective.

It’s nearly certain that the person you perceive as difficult views the situation differently than you do. With the reverse lens, you ask yourself, “What is this person feeling, and in what ways does that make sense?” Or put more starkly: “Where’s my responsibility in all this?”

Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It’s called empathy.

Just as you do, others tend to behave better when they feel seen and valued — especially since insecurity is what usually prompts them to act badly in the first place.

The Long Lens. Sometimes your worst fears about another person turn out to be true. He is someone who bullies you unreasonably and seeing it from his perspective doesn’t help. She does invariably take credit for your work.

When your current circumstances are incontrovertibly bad, the long lens provides a way of looking beyond the present to imagine a better future. Begin with this question: “Regardless of how I feel about what’s happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?”

How many times has something that felt terrible to you in the moment turned out to be trivial several months later, or actually led you to an important opportunity or a positive new direction?

My last boss fired me. It felt awful at the time, but it also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, which is where it turned out I needed to go.

Looking back, the story I tell myself is that for all his deficiencies, I learned a lot from that boss, and it all serves me well today. I can understand, from his point of view, why he found me difficult as an employee, without feeling devalued. Most important, getting fired prompted me to make a decision — founding the company I now run — that has brought me more happiness than any other work I’ve ever done.

Article by,
Tony Schwartz

Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of Be Excellent at Anything. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebookand connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project

10 More Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

June 27, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us determines our destiny. Due to the popularity of my blog “10 Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution,” I decided to make a YouTube video and also provide you with 10 MORE tips to work through conflict:

1) Don’t react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.

2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.

3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don’t speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn’t cool.

4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don’t be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.

5) Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. “I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name” or “I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect” or “I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.”).

7) Be willing to let go and “reboot.” My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the “refresh” button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.

8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn’t presented for you again!

9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, “make-up sex” didn’t come from nowhere…) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can “stand a little shaky ground” and has “got the guts to stick around” (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).

10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.

Article by,

Joyce Marter Psychotherapist
Follow Joyce Marter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Joyce_Marter

Human Interaction: The Skill Nobody Ever Teaches You

February 3, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger /by Rhonda

What’s more important: knowledge, work habits or the way we interact with others?

Recently, one of my clients was creating a project team. Several people volunteered, yet when they found out that Ms. So and So was going to be part of it, they quickly retracted their offers. The project hadn’t even started, yet they were already jumping ship at the mere thought of having to work with Ms. So and So.

Here’s the weird part: The person nobody wanted to work with was highly regarded for her knowledge of the subject, and she was generally known as a hard worker. What’s more, most of the team believed she probably wanted the best for the organization as a whole.

She was smart, she wanted to help and she had a good work ethic. So why didn’t anyone want to work with her?

Because her personality was so negative that she sucked the life out of people. With everyone already overworked to the max, they quickly decided that they weren’t willing to muster up the extra emotional energy needed to deal with her.

What’s sad is that I doubt she has any idea how she’s coming across. She probably thought all her criticisms and negative commentary were actually helpful.

Negative people rarely recognize just how challenging they make it for everyone else. However, seasoned managers quickly learn that the extra effort you have to expend managing a complainer just isn’t worth it.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the Fortune 500 or the PTA. A negative attitude will overshadow a high IQ, a strong desire to serve and even a great work ethic.

Ironic, isn’t it? We place so much emphasis on knowledge and work habits, yet the thing that often derails people is their interpersonal skills.

What’s even more ironic is that unless you’re a speech, drama or broadcast major, you can go all the way through college without ever getting any meaningful feedback on how you’re being perceived by others.

The challenge with over-the-top negativity is two-fold. First, the offender is usually so interpersonally unskilled he or she doesn’t recognize the problem. Numerous studies reveal that competent people tend to rate themselves much more harshly than incompetent people because a person’s incompetence literally blinds them to their own incompetence. (You’re entitled to a self-satisfied chortle here.)

But the second challenge is that no one calls them on it because we often assume that they’re doing it on purpose and that they like being a project killer.

So the smart, on-time-with-their-work-yet-emotionally-clueless person continues to over-complain (or needle people about inconsequential issues, or whine, or make negative assumptions, etc.), oblivious to the fact that the rest of the team is deflating by the moment.

The solution is simple: Get some training. We don’t expect people to learn chemistry without a teacher; why should we expect people to instinctively know how to create positive interactions?

Don’t get me wrong: You don’t have to ooze charisma or become a Pollyanna. People are just fine working with shy, quiet people, and nobody expects a non-stop cheerleader.

But if every comment you make is negative or critical, you’re probably detracting from the group more than you’re adding to it. Your knowledge may be valuable, but if you consistently serve it up with a scowl, nobody is going to want to hear it.

Bottom line: Learning how to evoke positive feelings in others isn’t cutesy; it’s critical.

Article by, Lisa Earle McLeod

Follow Lisa Earle McLeod on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaearlemcleod

Lisa Earle McLeod is keynote speaker, author, columnist and business consultant who specializes in sales and leadership training. Her newest book, The Triangle of Truth, has been cited as the blueprint for “how smart people can get better at everything.” Visit www.TriangleofTruth.com for a short video intro.

How To Deal With Difficult People

January 26, 2017/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

Article by, Darylen Cote

Whiners, Know-It-Alls, and Steamrollers: Strategies to cope with even the most hard-to-take personalities.

We’ve all been there. There are just some people we can’t stand! Perhaps it’s the Whiner whose complaining drives you to distraction. Or it may be the Steamroller who makes you crazy—the person who pushes her ideas and never lets others get a word. People like this can make your PTO leadership experience seem endless and stressful, even blocking achievement of some of your most critical goals.

Every person has his own triggers when it comes to dealing with difficult people. Those triggers stem from your background, perspectives, and from your goals in the situation at hand. But there is good news. There are ways to deal with even the most difficult people that can bring out both their best and your best.

The first step, described by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner in their book Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, is to get to know your difficult person—to know what needs that person may be trying to fulfill that cause the problematic behavior. Successful leaders listen carefully to figure out the underlying motives.

Generally, people in any given situation are task oriented or people oriented. Their concerns center on one of four goals: getting the task done, getting the task done right, getting along with people, or being appreciated by people. When they perceive that their concern is threatened—the task is not getting done, it is being done incorrectly, people are becoming angry in the process, or they feel unappreciated for their contributions—difficult people resort to certain knee-jerk responses. Responses range from the passive, such as withdrawal, to aggressive, such as steamrolling or exploding. The difficult person often does not recognize that his behavior contributes to the very problems that he is attempting to address.

Brinkman and Kirschner identify 10 different behavior patterns often exhibited by people under pressure.

The Steamroller (or Tank): Aggressive and angry. Victims can feel paralyzed, as though they’ve been flattened.
The Sniper: The Sniper’s forte is sarcasm, rude remarks, and eye rolls. Victims look and feel foolish.
The Know-It-All: Wielding great authority and knowledge, Know-It-Alls do have lots to offer, are generally competent, and can’t stand to be contradicted or corrected. But they will go out of their way to correct you.
The Grenade: Grenades tend to explode into uncontrolled ranting that has little, if anything, to do with what has actually happened.
The Think They Know It All: A cocksure attitude often fools people into believing their phony “facts.”
The Yes Person: Someone who wants to please others so much that she never says no.
The Maybe Person: Procrastinating, hoping to steer clear of choices that will hurt feelings, he avoids decisions, causing plenty of frustration along the way.
The Blank Wall (or Nothing Person): This person offers only a blank stare, no verbal or nonverbal signals.
The No Person: He spreads gloom, doom, and despair whenever any new ideas arise, or even when old ones are recycled. The No Person saps energy from a group in an amazingly short time.
The Whiner: Whiners feel helpless most of the time and become overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. They want things to be perfect, but nothing seems to go right. Whiners want to share their misery.

Just Get It Done!

Chances are you have had to deal with at least a few of these characters. These are not odd or weird people. They may even be you upon occasion. Everyone has the potential to be difficult given the right, or wrong, circumstances. To understand why, return to the concept of a basic orientation toward people or task. Couple that with the typical ways people respond under pressure, on a continuum from aggressive to assertive to passive. Then add in the goals people have under different circumstances.

According to Brinkman and Kirschner, when the goal is to “get it done,” people with a task orientation and aggressive temperament tend to dig in and become more controlling. They are the Snipers, the Steamrollers, and the Know-It-Alls. From their point of view, the rest of us are goofing off, obtuse, or just plain taking too long. The Steamroller can run over you if you get in the way. The Sniper often uses sarcasm to embarrass and humiliate at strategic moments. The Know-It-All dominates with erudite, lengthy arguments that discredit others and wear down opponents.

When the goal is to “get it right,” people under pressure who still have a task orientation but a more passive personality become helpless, hopeless, and/or perfectionistic. They become the Whiners, No People, and Blank Walls. When Whiners are thwarted, they begin to feel helpless and generalize to the entire world. Instead of looking for solutions, they complain endlessly that nothing is right, exacerbating the situation by annoying everyone around them.

No People feel more hopeless than helpless. Like A.A. Milne’s Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, their sense of gloom carries its own cloud. Their certainty that things can never be right can pull down morale for an entire group. Blank Walls simply withdraw. They will bear no responsibility when things aren’t exactly right.

Drive To Survive

People who want to “get along” tend to focus more on the people in a situation. When they are innately passive, they become approval-seeking Yes People, Maybe People, and sometimes Blank Walls. Yes People overcommit and underdeliver in an effort to please everyone. Their lack of follow-through can have disastrous consequences for which they do not feel responsible, because they are just trying to be helpful. When, instead, the people they want to get along with become furious, they may offer to do even more, building their lives on what other people want and also building a deep well of resentment.

Maybe People avoid conflict by avoiding any choice at all. Making a choice may upset someone, and then blame will be heaped on the person who decided. Maybe People delay choosing until the choice is made for them by someone else or by the circumstances. When Blank Walls have a people orientation, they want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. The old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” gets carried to the ultimate extreme in this case. But Blank Walls also avoid sharing anything genuine or honest about themselves and therefore never really achieve the “getting along” goal.

Like To Be Liked

To “get appreciated” is the ultimate goal of people-focused, more aggressive folks. They include the Grenade, the Think They Know It All, and sometimes the Sniper. They share attention-seeking behaviors that never accomplish what they intend. The Grenades are aggressive Rodney Dangerfields; they think they get no respect or appreciation. When that feeling builds to a certain point, they have an adult temper tantrum. It’s not pretty and it certainly gets attention, but blowing up never gets them to the ultimate goal of appreciation.

The Think They Know It All person knows a little bit about a lot. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic that his half-facts and exaggerations can sound plausible and persuasive. When people discover that these people really don’t know what they are talking about, the attention they seek becomes negative.

The Sniper in this case is attempting to gain attention by being playful. Many people engage in playful sniping, but we all need to be careful about how it is being received. Whether it is funny or painful is truly in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes this kind of sniping is passed off as teasing, which can leave scars even when it’s friendly.

Looking in the Mirror

So what can you do to change the course of your interactions with these difficult people? There are some simple strategies that work well with practice and patience.

In general, when your difficult person speaks, make your goal habit number five in Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand.” Often, unless you’re dealing with the Grenade or other overt hostility, it helps to mirror some of the nonverbal cues the person displays. Don’t overdo, as it can look like mocking if you copy every gesture. Your aim, according to Brinkman and Kirschner, is “blending.” If you adopt some of the same traits as your person, such as a facial expression or posture, you send the message that you are “with” them, on the same wave length. Blending begins to facilitate trust. Often we do this kind of thing without even noticing that it’s happening. You also need to blend vocally with the person you’re trying to understand. Volume and pace are two examples of how to blend with another person. Blending is how you begin to build rapport with people and signal that you are really listening. The only exception is yelling.

Also, some of what the person says needs to be repeated in a technique that counselors call “reflection.” This is a way of feeding back what you’ve heard, on both feeling and content levels, so that a person is sure that you’ve heard him. With no interpretation and without parroting exactly, use some of his actual words to demonstrate your understanding. How much to do it depends on the person you’re dealing with. With Steamrollers, keep reflection to a minimum. With Know-It-Alls, Yes People, and Maybe People, a great deal of reflection may be useful. This is especially true on the feeling level with Yes and Maybe People.

Get to the Real Issues

Next, ask clarifying questions to help your difficult person open up and to ensure that you fully understand all she has to say. The kinds of questions you want are open-ended, those to which there is more than a yes or no answer. They begin with what, how, where, who, when, and sometimes why—without an accusatory tone. A simple “Tell me more about…” can also serve the same purpose.

The importance of this information-gathering stage cannot be overstated. It keeps you out of a reactionary mode and helps you bring all of the issues to the surface. At the same time, it shows that you really care about what the person has to say. It can also begin to defuse emotions and help the person think more logically.

Finally, still in a “seek to understand” mode, summarize what you have heard and confirm your understanding. Do not assume you “got it.” Ask, “Did I get it right?” If not, keep listening until the person is satisfied that you understand.

The next step in the process has to do with attitude. Search for and acknowledge that the other person’s intentions are positive. This means giving the person you are dealing with the benefit of the doubt. Brinkman and Kirschner advise, “Ask yourself what positive purpose might be behind a person’s communication or behavior and acknowledge it. If you are not sure about the positive intent, just make something up. Even if the intent you try to blend with isn’t true, you can still get a good response and create rapport.”

Some Specific Responses

Consider this example.

“One of the duties of the vice president is to choose which six members go to the PTO Show this year,” Jerry reminded Jennifer again. “You have only two weeks before the deadline. Do you have any idea whom you want to go?”

“Not yet,” said Jennifer. “I want to be sure I make the right decision.”

“People need to make their plans, and we need to commit the money. The sooner you make a decision, the better for everyone,” prodded Jerry.

“OK. I’ll get to it,” promised Jennifer.

The next week, when Jerry inquired again, Jennifer said, “I’m still thinking about it!”

Jennifer is a Maybe Person. She will delay her decision until there is almost no decision to make because the deadline has passed or people can no longer rearrange their schedules with the short notice. Jerry might say to Jennifer, “I appreciate the care you are taking with this decision, Jennifer. I know you don’t want to leave out anyone who would like to go or who deserves this special reward. Who have you considered?” Simply stating understanding of Jennifer’s positive intention may unlock her indecision enough to move forward.

The next step to take when conflict emerges is to go beyond people’s stated positions to identify underlying interests or objectives. Brinkman and Kirschner call these “highly valued criteria.” They are the “reasons why” people desire specific outcomes.

Here’s another example:

Susan had agreed to chair the annual PTO carnival. The second planning meeting was underway when Marge, the vice president of the group and also the immediate past chairperson, barged into the room and started to berate Susan. “I heard that you’re eliminating the dunking booth! What a dumb decision. Don’t you have any brains at all? I thought you’d do a good job and now you’re making decisions that will ruin our carnival! Now here’s what you have to do…” And with that she barked orders while everyone else on the committee stared in disbelief. As quickly as she had come, she turned around and left.

Marge typifies the aggressive, angry style of the Tank or Steamroller. Once Susan gets her calmed down, it would be important to ask, “Why the dunking booth?” If she replies that the day invariably is hot and people enjoy the splashing and cooling effect of the water, then you have her underlying interest on the table. Another water game might satisfy that interest just as well, but you do need to slow the Steamroller down before you can get to the whys.

Say What You Mean

Stephen Covey’s habit number five also has a second part. Part one, “Seek first to understand …,” is followed by part two, “…then to be understood.” Once you have put in the time and hard work of deep listening, the goal is to speak so that you may in turn be understood. But watch your tone of voice. The old saying applies: It’s not just what you say but also how you say it.

The next step is to state your positive intentions: “I care that people at the carnival have a chance to cool off, too. I want to make it a fun and safe day.” When the Steamroller starts to interrupt again, tactfully intervene. Repeating someone’s name over and over until she stops to listen can accomplish that end. So Susan might say, “Marge. Marge. Excuse me, Marge.” Once the person has paused, you can insert your positive intent or a clarifying question, for instance. Then speak about the situation as you honestly see it. Use “I” statements, be as specific as possible, point out the impact of the behavior, and suggest a new behavior or option.

So Susan might say, “Marge, I appreciate your input. I know you want the carnival to go well, the same as I do. We replaced the dunking booth with another feature for a good reason. When you try to override our decisions without asking why, it sure makes the rest of us feel like our work isn’t worth much. Would you sit down and discuss our plans with us?” Marge may try to raise the volume and continue to steamroll, at which point Susan would need to start repeating her name again until she stops. Once Susan gets her piece said, she will need to be ready to stop and listen again.

When you have a Blank Wall, the person who chooses the ultimate passive response instead of an aggressive response, your tactics need to be a little different. First, even though you may not feel particularly relaxed, calm yourself. It will not help to push, so plan plenty of time. Ask the open-ended questions with an expectant tone and body language. Try to lighten things up with absurd guesses as to the cause of the silence. Be careful with humor, but if you can get at least a smile, it’s a beginning.

Make It a Habit

Difficult people are really all of us. Depending on the circumstances and our own perspectives, our behaviors can slip-slide into the childish, rude, or even churlish realms. The key is to think first instead of simply reacting when we feel pressured by time or by the competing interests and needs of others.

Thoughtful responses can help people identify their real needs and break negative behavior patterns that don’t serve anyone well. If you make a habit of listening deeply, assuming best intentions, looking for common ground, reinforcing and expecting people’s best behavior along the way, then the difficult people in your life may come to view you as a respected friend—as opposed to one of their most difficult people.

As appeared on ptotoday.com

5 Conflict Management Strategies

December 16, 2016/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work /by Rhonda

Don't let conflicts get out of control. In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances. Unmanaged or poorly managed conflicts generate a breakdown in trust and lost productivity. For small businesses, where success often hinges on the cohesion of a few people, loss of trust and productivity can signal the death of the business. With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.

Accommodating

The accommodating strategy essentially entails giving the opposing side what it wants. The use of accommodation often occurs when one of the parties wishes to keep the peace or perceives the issue as minor. For example, a business that requires formal dress may institute a “casual Friday” policy as a low-stakes means of keeping the peace with the rank and file. Employees who use accommodation as a primary conflict management strategy, however, may keep track and develop resentment.

Avoiding

The avoidance strategy seeks to put off conflict indefinitely. By delaying or ignoring the conflict, the avoider hopes the problem resolves itself without a confrontation. Those who actively avoid conflict frequently have low esteem or hold a position of low power. In some circumstances, avoiding can serve as a profitable conflict management strategy, such as after the dismissal of a popular but unproductive employee. The hiring of a more productive replacement for the position soothes much of the conflict.

Collaborating

Collaboration works by integrating ideas set out by multiple people. The object is to find a creative solution acceptable to everyone. Collaboration, though useful, calls for a significant time commitment not appropriate to all conflicts. For example, a business owner should work collaboratively with the manager to establish policies, but collaborative decision-making regarding office supplies wastes time better spent on other activities..

Compromising

The compromising strategy typically calls for both sides of a conflict to give up elements of their position in order to establish an acceptable, if not agreeable, solution. This strategy prevails most often in conflicts where the parties hold approximately equivalent power. Business owners frequently employ compromise during contract negotiations with other businesses when each party stands to lose something valuable, such as a customer or necessary service.

Competing

Competition operates as a zero-sum game, in which one side wins and other loses. Highly assertive personalities often fall back on competition as a conflict management strategy. The competitive strategy works best in a limited number of conflicts, such as emergency situations. In general, business owners benefit from holding the competitive strategy in reserve for crisis situations and decisions that generate ill-will, such as pay cuts or layoffs.

Article By,
Eric Dontigney as Appeared on www.smallbusiness.chron.com

Avoiding Confrontation Is Not The Answer

December 13, 2016/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Work, How to Deal with Anger, Quick Tips /by Rhonda

REFUSING FLOWERS

I’m dealing with an avoider. I find it very frustrating.

Every once in a while you will encounter a situation where you want to deal with it in a calm, professional manner, and the person with whom you want to deal with, does not want to deal with it at all!

An avoider is someone who truly hates confrontation. They would rather the situation sit and fester than to sit down and handle the issue with you directly.

In fairness, many of us prefer to avoid than to have a confrontation. I mean, who really likes confrontation? Not I that’s for sure. However, it is important to deal with some issues instead of avoiding them and having them potentially blow completely out of proportion.

When an “issue” occurs, you have 24 hours to start to deal with it. It might mean that you say to the other person that you want to talk about it, you might arrange a meeting, but you must do something within the first 24 hours to show that you are willing to deal with the issue and not avoid it.

I called Mary and outlined the situation. I was careful that I used “I” language instead of “you” language (to avoid making her defensive), I was very aware of my tone of voice and I was well prepared for what I wanted to say.

When I called Mary, I got her voice mail. My message outlined quickly what the situation was. I avoided placing blame. I told her I was wanting to speak to her directly so that we could reach a mutually acceptable solution. I was professional, clear and upbeat. I asked her to call me back at her convenience.

She sent an email to our office manager, Caroline (and thereby avoided me all together) asking to be removed from our distribution list and wanted to avoid further contact from our office.

Not exactly the nice friendly approach that I way I was hoping we could deal with this misunderstanding.

I called her again and left another voice mail asking if we could talk about this, as I wanted to avoid any hard feelings whatsoever. In my voice mail I did mention that I would follow up my call with an email with my proposed solution.

I hate dealing with these types of issues on email. Be sure to use email as a confirmation tool, instead of a confrontation tool.

Long story short, I have had no direct contact whatsoever with Mary. She has only responded to Caroline via email, refusing to discuss anything with her or me.

I did everything I could do to deal with the situation professionally, but she was unwilling.

Sometimes we will meet others who are not nearly as professional or courteous as we are. Sometimes we will have to deal with the situation in a manner that makes us uncomfortable.

Remember to always take the high road. I regret nothing that I did in the encounter with Mary. I do regret that her need to avoid discussing the situation meant that there would be hard feelings.

When dealing with confrontation follow a few simple rules:
– use “I” language, instead of “you” language
– avoid blame, and focus more on solving the situation
– be prepared so you are not reacting to the situation, and are responding to the situation
– take the professional path (the high road), even in your personal confrontations
– know when to walk away

I’m sorry a simple misunderstanding has become a major issue. I have learned that even the “right” approach doesn’t always work, and that you need to be flexible when dealing with confrontation. I wonder what Mary learned from our encounter.

Article by,
Rhonda Scharf Headshot Rhonda Scharf

Consultant, Speaker, Trainer and Author who works with organizations to save time, money and sanity.

As appeared in the Huffington Post on December 13, 2016

The Secret to Dealing With Difficult People: It’s About You

December 8, 2016/in Bully, Confrontation Skills, Difficult People at Home, Difficult People at Work, Quick Tips /by Rhonda