Learn to deal with a passive-aggressive boss like a pro
No matter what you do, you won’t always please your boss. Miscommunication, mistakes, and bad days are simply a part of the workplace experience.
But if your manager constantly seems upset without voicing their concerns, you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive boss. It can be hard to know for sure since they likely won’t approach criticism or feedback straightforwardly. Learning to recognize the tell-tale signs will help you combat this leadership fault.
What’s passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive aggression is behavior that indirectly expresses negative feelings like fear, anger, and frustration instead of openly communicating them.
For managers, passive-aggressive characteristics can look like the following:
- Micromanaging workloads
- Using backhanded compliments or sarcasm and then gaslighting those who react negatively
- Not providing support to struggling employees
- Deliberately ignoring and freezing out team members
- Denying the resources or authority needed to complete a task
- Issuing confusing instructions or changing requirements without notification
- Negatively criticizing direct reports in public and never offering appreciation
- Failing to take responsibility for mistakes, instead blaming others
- Creating an environment of unhealthy competition that makes teamwork challenging
Passive-aggressive bosses often feel the need to please others to avoid conflict. But this means when they’re frustrated with an employee’s performance or their own workload, for example, they take it out in other ways, like confusing feedback or removing tasks without explaining why.
A manager’s leadership style affects the entire workplace. If your boss shows passive-aggressive tendencies, their attitude, and reluctance to effectively communicate can negatively impact employee morale, leading to feelings of insecurity, doubt, and resentment — all symptoms of a toxic work environment.
What causes passive-aggressive behavior?
It’s not your place to diagnose or resolve your boss’ issues. But sometimes being empathetic to the source of someone’s behavior can let you respond appropriately to their conduct and preserve your peace of mind. Here are a few common causes of passive aggression:
- Childhood factors: Your manager may have grown up in a family that taught them to suppress negative emotions. Instead of learning a healthy communication style, they use sarcasm to vent feelings like anger, frustration, and fear. This could also lead them to dodge people and situations that generate these sentiments altogether.
- Workplace factors: A work environment that frowns on expressing emotion could result in someone with poor communication skills resorting to passive-aggressiveness to voice their displeasure. And feeling burned out or stressed can also cause this behavior.
- Insecurities: If your boss feels unsure of their position or abilities, they could attempt to transfer their shortcomings and frustrations onto employees.
None of these causes have anything to do with you personally or how you perform professionally. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of your boss’s shortcomings. Instead, you can learn how to shield yourself without guilt.
6 strategies for managing a passive-aggressive boss
While you’re not responsible for helping your boss, you can learn to deal with their behavior so you enjoy a more peaceful and positive work environment. Here are six strategies for dealing with someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies.
1. Identify their go-to behaviors
Knowing how your boss reacts to certain situations can help you prepare. Keep your eyes open for triggers and outcomes. For example, if your manager is hyper-controlling, issues vague instructions, or unnecessarily criticizes your team when dealing with a last-minute project, you can mitigate or avoid situations that cause this behavior.
2. Take the high road
If your boss is rude or cryptic, remember that this behavior stems from something outside of you, like their upbringing or stress, and take the high road by remaining calm and positive. While this means you’ll have a better day, there’s also a chance your serenity and positivity might rub off on them.
3. Over-communicate as necessary
If you have questions, ask them face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. An in-person meeting or video call will let you ask follow-up questions and clarify expectations immediately without waiting for an email response. And when providing feedback to your manager, keep it constructive and impersonal to avoid feeding any of their insecurities.
4. Put everything in writing
Any time you have a meeting with your boss, take notes. Afterward, ask them to confirm you’ve understood instructions, expectations, and deadlines correctly. That way, you have proof if they go back on what they said to make you look incompetent or inferior.
Also request any clarification or notification of changes to a project’s scope or deliverables in writing, explaining that alignment is important and you want to ensure accuracy before moving forward.
5. Create a paper trail
Keep a record of your communications by printing out emails and DMs, saving them to a removable hard drive, or forwarding them to your personal email, so that you have proof if you ever need to take this issue to your human resources department.
6. Share your concerns
If you think they might respond well, request a one-on-one to discuss how their behavior impacts your working relationship and mental health. Be as helpful and constructive as possible, noting positive leadership habits and providing a possible solution to the problem.
Common passive-aggressive comments
Interactions with a passive-aggressive manager can leave you scratching your head. They often use wordplay that makes you question whether you’ve just been insulted, and asking them for clarity doesn’t usually help — they will likely claim you misunderstood or are being too sensitive.
This confusing behavior usually takes one of three forms: backhanded compliments, two-faced commentary, or dodging the question. Familiarizing yourself with some examples of passive-aggressive comments is a great first step to developing effective tactics to manage your interactions successfully.
Backhanded compliments
A tell-tale sign of a passive-aggressive personality is using so-called “compliments” to disguise hostility behind false praise. These are particularly insidious because, to a casual viewer, there’s nothing outwardly objectionable. Here are a few examples:
- “New shoes and a new bag. Nice to see that promotion is paying off.”
- “Check out how clean the copy is. Who knew an intern could produce such great work.”
- “Congratulations on being the sales leader this month — you’re finally pulling your weight.”
- “It must be lovely working for your best friend’s mom.”
Two-faced comments
Another typical passive-aggressive tactic is public sabotage. When you solicit a review of your work, your manager might claim everything is fine and agreeable. But in front of others, it’s a different story as your boss takes you by surprise, identifying multiple issues.
These errors are often due to a lack of feedback or denial of the information or resources you need to complete the task correctly. Here are a couple of examples:
- “Our latest social media marketing campaign underperformed because someone spent more time ordering coffee than focusing on promotion.”
- “I don’t understand the errors in this report. I told Justin to fix them, but I guess he didn’t think it was important.”
Dodging questions
Some passive-aggressive bosses specialize in silent treatment. This tactic serves two purposes: it lets them avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation while keeping you unbalanced. Here are a couple of examples:
- “You’ll have to ask someone else about that.”
- “I don’t see how that question is relevant so I’m going to move on.”
Additional tips for managing passive-aggressive leadership
Working with a passive-aggressive manager requires finding a way to engage productively while maintaining a respectful distance to avoid negativity. It’s a juggling act, but these tips for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior will make it easier:
- Lean on your network: 73% of workers report dealing with a passive-aggressive boss at some point. It’s likely someone in your circle of friends can sympathize and offer advice or support.
- Address it: Being professional doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself. If you feel compelled, question your manager’s comments and behavior. You might ask, “Is there a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder?” or “I don’t understand your joke. Could you please clarify what you meant?”
- Limit interactions: Evaluate where and when you need direct contact with your boss and try to only interact with them during these times.
- Put your active listening skills to work: If you want your boss to be receptive to feedback, making eye contact, smiling, and using welcoming body language — all key elements of active listening — might put them at ease.
- Report abuse: If you feel your manager’s bullying you, report this behavior to a human resources professional, bringing any documentation you have on the subject.
Remember: it’s not about you
Working with a passive-aggressive boss is like walking a never-ending tightrope. You’re in a constant state of vigilance and it’s exhausting. But remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.
That said, you also can’t force them to change. What you can do is control how you react to the situation. If you think you can put space between yourself and their actions, you should be able to retain your well-being.
But you deserve to feel valued, safe, and comfortable at work, and if that’s not possible here, consider looking elsewhere.
