Kill Them with Kindness: How to Navigate a Challenging Personality at Work

We all have that coworker.

Maybe they’re passive-aggressive, blunt to the point of rudeness, self-centered, thrive on drama, complain constantly, or seem to rub everyone the wrong way. And we know that person is exhausting. We dread seeing them at work, their name in our inbox, or their phone number on our call display. Dreading our job because of one person seems unreasonable, but everything you’ve tried makes no difference.

So, what do you do when you have to work with someone who gets under your skin?

You “kill them with kindness.”

No, that doesn’t mean being fake, spineless, or letting bad behavior slide. It means choosing a professional, empathetic, and self-respecting approach that protects *your* peace of mind while defusing theirs. Here’s how.

Lead with Emotional Intelligence
I have a professional colleague who has exactly this personality. He is all the things I’ve described and more. His total lack of self-awareness is most annoying to me. He complains that no one considers his needs. Yet, he doesn’t consider other’s needs and thinks only of himself.

Just because he is emotionally unaware doesn’t mean I need to be. We need to be self-aware. Stay in tune with how you impact others and how they impact you. Take a second to pause so you can respond vs react. Listen with intention. Ask yourself, “What’s the outcome I want here?” and let that guide your response.

When interacting with Mark (not his real name), I realize that it serves no purpose to point out that he is doing exactly what he complains of. At a recent event, he was complaining about the food and how the caterers didn’t consider all the various food allergies and intolerances. Mark has food sensitivities, as you likely guessed. I wanted to point out that it is virtually impossible to find something appropriate for everyone, which is why they offer a variety of options. I wanted to point out that most attendees didn’t share his food intolerances. I wanted to defend the caterers and compliment the great job they were doing given the crowd. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I smiled and agreed that it must be frustrating for him.

You don’t have to win every battle. I didn’t need to point out that if the caterer catered only to the list of food intolerances represented, the majority of people likely wouldn’t enjoy the food as there would be very little selection.

You don’t need to point out what they are doing wrong, nor do we need to react to it. Sometimes, the victory is not letting someone else’s behavior change who you are. That can sometimes be the kindest thing you can do. Mark felt heard, I didn’t waste my energy, and I was kind.

Be Unshakably Polite
Kindness isn’t a weakness. It’s control; if you know me, I like to be in control. Maintain a professional tone, even when others don’t. Smile. Say good morning. Use people’s names. Say please and thank you. This isn’t about sugar-coating a toxic environment—it’s about disarming the behavior that thrives on pushing your buttons.

Politeness can act as a force field. It makes it harder for someone to escalate and easier for others to see who’s being unreasonable.

It isn’t easy. You’ve heard me write about our neighbors who are not nice people. I’ve tried all my tactics for dealing with difficult people and got nowhere. The only thing that keeps me sane is to be unshakably polite. It is so hard, but I won’t play their games. I won’t give them any reason to escalate beyond what they’ve already done.

Set Boundaries with Grace
Kindness does not mean being a doormat. You can be firm and respectful at the same time. If someone is overstepping, calmly say, “I’m happy to help, but I need to finish this first,” or “I’m not comfortable with this conversation — let’s take a step back.”

Being kind doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything. It means saying “no” while still honoring your values. Put a smile on your face, throw in that unshakeable politeness, but hold your ground.

If Mark had approached one of the servers at our event and berated them for their food selections, I would have said something to him as I have a personal boundary on mistreating others or being rude. I would have told him he was out of line and defended the catering staff. I would have been polite and respectful but firm.

Small Acts of Kindness
Even the most difficult people have a story. Maybe they’re insecure, burned out, or dealing with stress you don’t see. You don’t have to be their therapist, but sometimes a small act of kindness—holding the elevator (even when you don’t want to), bringing them coffee, giving a genuine compliment, saying good morning as you walk past them, or offering help—can shift the entire dynamic.

You don’t need a new best friend and probably don’t even want to be friendly. Do it anyway, as it likely makes you feel like you are the bigger person.

When our neighbors pull out of their driveway, I smile and wave. I walk to the fence for a quick chat if I see them in the yard. Under my breath, I’m cursing at myself for always being the nice one, but I know it is the right thing to do. Your colleague won’t become your best friend any more than I’ll be inviting my neighbors over for dinner, but it might make your daily interactions just a little easier.

When I take that high road and do the little acts of kindness, I silently pat myself on the back for being the better person.

Document When Necessary
Kindness should never mean tolerating abuse. Keep a record if someone is crossing professional lines—especially if it affects your work or well-being. Dates, times, what was said or done, and how you responded. You’ll have the documentation to support your case if the situation escalates.

“Killing them with kindness” doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly turn a toxic coworker into a team player or even a friend, but it will make you feel better about the situation and more in control. It’s not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about navigating the situation with dignity, patience, and professionalism.

And sometimes, the best way to change the temperature in the room is to be the one who refuses to bring the heat.

Written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.