Do You Create Conflict or Tension with Others?

Have you ever had a relationship with someone, and it immediately didn’t feel right? It felt like there was some tension in the relationship, and you weren’t sure why?

Unintentionally, we often create conflict. We rarely see that we are at fault and are often unsure why there is tension in the relationship. Sometimes things feel off, and we can’t figure out what went wrong and where it went wrong.

Here are three ways we create conflict or tension in relationships, along with the solutions to avoid it moving forward.

We all have a basic psychological to be valued and treated as individuals. We don’t want to feel like one of the crowd; we want to be seen, acknowledged, and recognized.

Sometimes, we create conflict by not valuing the other person or treating them as an individual. Years ago, my husband and I would go to our local church each week. We would show up, and every week someone at the door would say, “Welcome to our church.” Which we loved, followed by, “Are you new here?” The first couple of times, I thought, isn’t that nice? But after we kept going for months and months and months, and they kept asking us, “Are you new here?” I thought, why don’t you see me here each week? Why don’t you remember? It started to create tension as I wasn’t feeling part of the community I wanted to be part of. I didn’t want to go to this church because I wasn’t feeling valued or recognized.

As someone who travels, I have my favorite airlines and hotels. I love it when I walk into a hotel, and they say, “Welcome back.” You know as well as I do that the person behind the desk doesn’t remember me, and I don’t remember them, but they know that I’m a frequent guest at the hotel or a frequent flyer, and they say, “Welcome back.” That makes me feel recognized and valued.

How do you recognize and value the people that you work with? When you’ve worked with a client before, and they call you up, do you say, “It’s nice to hear from you again”? Do you keep files on your clients?

My dentist keeps notes of my visits. One visit, she said, “Last time we were speaking, you were on your way to New York City. How was it?” It always makes me feel like she values me. She creates a relationship with me. Imagine if every time I went to the dentist, she said, “Now what is it you do again?” I would not feel valued and recognized, which would create tension or even conflict because I remember her. You can imagine my thought process is, “I’m giving you all this money, and you don’t remember me?”

The solution is easy; start remembering people. Start treating them with value and recognition. Yes, she creates notes on each patient and reads them before she treats us. I don’t expect that she actually remembers without her notes, but once she jogs her memory on our last visit, she can easily make me feel valued.

People also require self-esteem. If they don’t feel good about themselves or feel good about the interaction, it will create conflict or tension unintentionally.

Let’s assume you’re sitting around a board room table, and Sarah walks into the meeting late, and Frank says, “Oh, it’s about time you got here. You need a class on time management?” To begin, the comment is inappropriate. The comment is likely to be meant as a joke and make light of the fact that Sarah arrived at the meeting late. Instead, it embarrasses them by pointing out that they were late. Did the comment create conflict or tension? Yes.

I have a dry, witty, sarcastic sense of humor that can easily create conflict, although that is not my intention. My goal is to be funny, but when my goal is at someone else’s expense, I’ve unintentionally embarrassed them or made them the butt of my joke. I’ve created conflict or tension if my humor is at someone else’s expense.

Start to look at your interactions, humor, those quick one-liners we all use. Do they embarrass (even in jest) another? If so, ask yourself if that is your intention. If it isn’t (and shouldn’t be), you need to recognize that you might be unintentionally creating conflict or tension. Stop doing it.

We also have an unbelievable need to be fair. We know as adults that life is not fair, and this seems like a strange way to create conflict. Conflict will be created when something is perceived as not fair.

For instance, let’s assume a new job is posted within your company and you’ve applied for it. You feel that you are the most qualified, the most senior, and the most deserving candidate; however, the person who did get the job is relatively junior and at the company for a short period of time. In your mind, you might say, “That’s not fair,” and between the two of you, conflict will occur. The other person has no idea there is conflict or tension, but you do as you are upset with the decision of others. Can you sincerely congratulate them and wish them the best of luck with no ill feelings? For many of us, that would be hard as we felt that we should be in the job. That’s the tension it created. It wasn’t fair they got the job when you perceived yourself as better qualified.

We all know life is not fair. However, anytime there is a perception of the situation not being fair, conflict will arise. We need always to be aware of that. Ensure you are treating people equitably and fair.

Creating tension or conflict in relationships is unintentional; however, there are times we are all guilty of doing so. Analyze your working conversations and situations to ensure that you aren’t the one who is damaging the relationship.

This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.