Approaching a Difficult Person

Choose your battles wisely. When butting heads with a difficult person, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss the problem. Not every fight needs to be fought. The sooner you realize this, the happier your life will become. Ideally, you and this difficult person would be able to set aside your differences and compromise. Sometimes, this is impossible.

• Ask yourself if the situation is causing you enough distress that it must be addressed.
• Consider your relationship with this person. If it’s your boss or another authority figure, you have to accept some things you don’t like (unless it’s abusive behavior).^[1] If it’s a friend or family member, think about whether choosing not to engage is enabling bad behavior or simply saving you time and grief.
• Can you even win this fight? You may really want to take on someone who irks you, but you need to size up the situation and consider if it really is one that you can resolve. Perhaps the timing is bad or you need to formulate a plan, get help, or consider your options.

Pause for a moment before reacting to difficult behavior. Take a deep breath before responding to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If your conflict is happening via email or texting, try to avoid sending digital text messages when upset. Take a bit of time to let your stress level decrease. Then you will be able to approach the person more reasonably.

• If possible, discuss your issue somewhere neutral or while doing an activity. For example, you could talk while walking. This can limit negative face-to-face interactions.^[2]

State your needs clearly with assertive communication. Don’t give the person the opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words.^[3] Aim to use “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. For example:

• “I understand that you are frustrated by my lateness. I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, the subway line was down this morning and we were stuck in the station. I am very sorry for making you wait!”
• Do not say: “You are unreasonable for expecting me to be punctual when the subway system was broken down. If you really cared, you could have Googled my line and checked.”

Continue being polite. No matter the response of the other person, keep your cool. Do not resort to name-calling. Take breaths before your responses. The key is to be the better person and not let yourself sink to their level. Also, the calmer you remain, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.

• If you stay polite, the other person may be more likely to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say instead of getting defensive.

Stick to the facts. Keep a short, clear narrative that is not bogged down with too much detail or emotion. It is very possible you won’t be able to get the person to see your point of view and you don’t need to try to convince them. State what happened and don’t feel you need to explain yourself.^[4]

• Avoid trigger topics.^[5] For example, if you always fight about holidays with your sister-in-law, don’t discuss them! Have someone else do the mediating.
• Avoid being defensive.^[6] You might want to argue your point, but with difficult people, it is best to bypass these kinds of arguments. Do not waste your time trying to prove that you are right. Instead, keep the situation as neutral as possible.

Set limits with them and stick to those limits. Setting limits or boundaries with another person can be difficult at first, but it’s key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Decide which behaviors you’re willing to tolerate, and how you will deal with them. You could set limits for yourself, e.g., “I’ll spend an hour with Mom on Mother’s Day, but I won’t spend a whole day with her.” Or, you could set clear boundaries with the other person. For example, “Please don’t make comments about my weight. If you do, I’ll immediately end the conversation and walk away.”^[7]

• Once you set a limit, do your best to enforce it. Many difficult people will continue to take advantage of you if they think you won’t stick to your boundaries.
• For instance, if you’ve told a difficult coworker that you don’t want them to tell sexist jokes around you, don’t call them out sometimes and ignore them at other times. Be consistent about asking them not to continue the behavior. You could even set a specific consequence, like, “If it happens again, I’ll bring it up with HR.”

Minimize your interactions. Although hopefully you can deal with your problem person, if not, limit your time with them. If you must interact, try to keep things short by excusing yourself from the conversation or bringing a third party into the conversation. Stay as positive as possible and make sure to calm down afterward.^[8]

• Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague or sibling you want.^[9]
• If all else fails, you may need to cut ties with the person altogether. This can be especially difficult if it’s a close family member, a significant other, or someone you work with. However, if their behavior is seriously toxic and abusive, it might be time to move on.

Talk to allies. If you are not making headway with someone and need to do so, speak with a potential mediator. Perhaps your boss can help improve the situation. If your conflict is within the family, find a mutual party who can negotiate. Strive to share complaints only with people you trust.