Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Let your frustration go

Monday, March 24th, 2014

By Rhonda Scharf, CSP

Recently, my 18 month old computer died. It had a hardware failure that my computer technicians called “irreparable”.

I am totally frustrated at not having a computer, at the expense, and most importantly, with the time I am having to spend to get a new system up and running.

Do you ever get frustrated at work? Have you ever gotten annoyed because someone else in the office wasn’t doing what you want her to do? Do you get frustrated with red tape? What do you do about it?

There are a few different ways you can deal (or not deal) with frustration.

Focus on the frustration
The first options is something we’ve all done from time to time: allow circumstances to take control. You’ve seen it happen to others, too. It’s what happens when you just whine and complain but do nothing about it. You allow it or her to wreck your day, your week, and your month. If you complain about something long enough it even starts to control the way you think. For instance if you say “all lawyers are crooks” often enough, you will start to believe it is true. You and I both know that it isn’t true. If your lawyer is frustrating you for whatever reason, and you choose to allow the frustration to control you, you will never get over being frustrated by your lawyer. Every time you think about needing a lawyer your temperature will rise, your anger will re-appear and you will be frustrated.

Avoid the situation
The second option is to avoid the situation or person who is frustrating you. I could have said that I was fed up with computers and refused to use another one again. That is a perfect example of biting off my nose to spite my face. Who am I hurting in this situation? Me. I know of people who get very frustrated driving on major highways, so their response is to never drive on them. They must take much longer to get anywhere because they are avoiding the frustration of the highway. Others have quit their jobs because they didn’t like the frustration of certain aspects of it. That’s pretty drastic, and life-altering, solution to the problem of frustration.

A Better Option
The third option is to understand the situation and let it go. Don’t allow it to control you. When I ordered my new computer, I was told it would take two to four business days until it was delivered. A week later, it still isn’t here. Yes, I could obsess about it not being here, or I could just say “that’s too bad, I could really use it now.”

I am choosing to just let it go. There is nothing I can do to get my computer here more quickly. If there was something I could do, I would, and that would be another excellent option. But since there isn’t, I will let go of what I cannot control.

I also need to let go of the fact that the computer didn’t last as long as I thought it should. I need to change my expectations for the next time.

The same thing applies with co-workers. If you have a co-worker who is continually late, and who drives you crazy each morning with frustration, what are you going to do about it? Well, realistically, what can you do? Can you go to her house each morning and get her out of bed? I doubt it. Can you just let it go and not obsess over her being late? Yes you can. If you are in a supervisory position, you have a few more choices, but being frustrated does not have to be the one you choose.

Frustration is something that occurs in many aspects of life. We can let frustration control us, or we can decide not to let it. It’s a choice.

As for me, I will wait for my computer and ensure that frustration doesn’t dictate my feelings or how I live each day while I’m waiting. And when a co-worker does things a little differently than I expect her to, I will choose not to let it ruin my day. I will choose to let me frustration go.

Avoidance

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Morgan is putting in our pool in our Florida vacation home.  He is a great guy, fun to chat with, does fantastic work, but he is very difficult to deal with because he is an avoider.

Morgan hates conflict, so he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, which isn’t always the truth.

Avoider

We’ve been having a major problem with final delivery date of the pool.  It was due weeks ago, and the pool is still not done.  Morgan won’t tell us exactly why (although we clearly see that his time management is the issue); instead he avoids the question.  When asked when we can see a completed pool, he will give me a date (like, “next Tuesday”), but when Tuesday arrives, he says, “Well, maybe Thursday.”

Avoider

He avoids saying the truth because he knows that I will be upset.  He avoids facing the issue because he is uncomfortable with confrontation.  He does everything he can to keep the waters calm, to keep me happy and to avoid talking about the why it is late and when it will be ready.

Initially it was very difficult to get angry with him because he was such a nice guy.  After missing the deadline by weeks, it was easier to be angry.

He doesn’t return phone calls.  He doesn’t tell the truth.  He doesn’t want to deal with the situation, which makes him a very difficult person in my eyes.

Is his behaviour intentional?  Partially.  I think he is deliberately not returning my calls because he doesn’t want to discuss the fact the pool is still not done.  When we see him in person, he changes the subject, dances around the issue, and avoids commitment.  Is that deliberate or innocent?  A bit of both.  He has “learned” to avoid conflict and he does it without realizing he is doing it.

The bad news is that there is no easy fix. I can’t force him to tell me the truth or return my phone calls.  What I can do is be very clear on what I want, without making it seem too confrontational.  I can call him every day, or every hour until he finally returns my call.  I can ask him to promise me it will be done.

But I can’t always win.  I can’t always get the truth, and I’m still not getting my pool delivered on time.

I can choose to never work with him again once the pool is finished though.  In a workplace, that isn’t so easy.  The best you can do is be aware you are dealing with an avoider, and be very clear on expectations.  You’ll still suffer from frustration, and they will still avoid uncomfortable situations and commitments.

Not everything that is faced can be easily changed, but by not facing an issue is guaranteeing that it won’t change.  Better to do something than nothing at all.


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